Speaker 1: Throughout everything you know about marriage, because if you tailor
Speaker 1: make your marriage to someone else's expectations, you are destined
Speaker 1: to fail. Dead ass, and I'm slowly realizing that within
Speaker 1: my own marriage, I have to kind of redefine what
Speaker 1: it is for us, and it's an ongoing process. I
Speaker 1: don't think we're ever really done. Hey, I'm Cadine and
Speaker 1: we're the ellis Is. You may know us from posting
Speaker 1: funny videos without boys and reading each other publicly as
Speaker 1: a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy
Speaker 1: most days. Wow. And one more important thing to mention,
Speaker 1: we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open
Speaker 1: dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most
Speaker 1: folks don't want to talk about through the lens of
Speaker 1: a millennial married couple. Dead ass is the term that
Speaker 1: we say every day. So when we say dead ass,
Speaker 1: we're actually saying facts on the truth, the whole truth,
Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. Were about to take Phillows
Speaker 1: off to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: All right, story time, this story time, I'm gonna take
Speaker 1: y'all way way back, how far back? Because I don't
Speaker 1: be giving away my agent ship to September Canarsi to
Speaker 1: Flaws September ninety It's crazy September. Eight year old Devout
Speaker 1: Ellis just got out of PS two seventy. Yes, my
Speaker 1: big ears had to go get my six year old brother,
Speaker 1: Brian Ellis from his class and walk home. We had
Speaker 1: just moved to Canarsi from Flatbush flat Bush bullet bullet,
Speaker 1: So I had to get my brother from pr to
Speaker 1: seventy nine and we had to walk home. It's my
Speaker 1: first time ever walking home. I'm eight, he's six, and
Speaker 1: our neighbor at the time, who was eight, was supposed
Speaker 1: to meet me and we were supposed to be home
Speaker 1: at a certain time. So I can call my parents
Speaker 1: and let them know that I got home at the time.
Speaker 1: My neighbor got out first day of school. He's plays eight.
Speaker 1: He's playing. Completely forgot that he was supposed to meet
Speaker 1: us to go walk home and was playing somewhere. I
Speaker 1: didn't know where he was, so I started walking, start walking, walking,
Speaker 1: walking walking. I end up on flat Lands Avenue. Flat
Speaker 1: Lands Avenue is a four lane street. The trucks. It's
Speaker 1: a little bit more of a commercial street. It's busy.
Speaker 1: I see buildings I'm walking and walking. I walked past
Speaker 1: Brookline Projects and I'm starting to realize that I'm nowhere
Speaker 1: near where I'm supposed to be. I got my six
Speaker 1: year old brother in my hand, This truck's passing by,
Speaker 1: this kids, high school kids running by, and I'm nervous
Speaker 1: and I'm scared, and I'm saying to myself, dang, I
Speaker 1: don't I don't know how to get home. So you
Speaker 1: didn't put out your cell phone and have no cell
Speaker 1: phones at eight like these kids do nowadays. So I
Speaker 1: turned the left, I started walking down and start walking
Speaker 1: down and one of my classmates parents. I saw my classmate,
Speaker 1: Brandon Granary, and I saw his mom. They were in
Speaker 1: the car, and I was like, hey, can you tell
Speaker 1: me how to get back to you know? And she
Speaker 1: was like, she will hop in. So I get in
Speaker 1: the car with Brandon and his mom and they drop
Speaker 1: us off at home and we finally made it home.
Speaker 1: And in that moment, I had decided like being scared
Speaker 1: like that and holding my brother's hand, and I remember
Speaker 1: my brother looking at me on flat Lands Avenue. He
Speaker 1: looked up at me and said, we lost, aren't we?
Speaker 1: And I had to say at that point, now, we're
Speaker 1: not lost. We're not lost. I remember that that moment saying,
Speaker 1: when I get married and I have kids, I don't
Speaker 1: want my wife to work because someone got to be
Speaker 1: home to take care of my kids. So I'm about
Speaker 1: to bless you all with some karaoke vocals were talking
Speaker 1: about like holy matrimony like we normally do. It's just
Speaker 1: like we don't know married. So I'm I can I
Speaker 1: can help you out with it. Right, are you ready? Baby? Ready? Me? Me? Me,
Speaker 1: me me. If there's a question the mother you got it,
Speaker 1: don't along any one, but you push in my heart
Speaker 1: now and then this question mother you got baby, don't worry.
Speaker 1: I plan for you. Baby. Yeah, I've been making plays
Speaker 1: thinking place baby. Yeah, that's my song. I love that song.
Speaker 1: When I first came out, you were like a pathetic
Speaker 1: never been to a Wait. When I heard that, I
Speaker 1: was like, who's never been to a wedding before? But
Speaker 1: there are actually people who like they've never been to
Speaker 1: weddings before, and you want to to have a whole
Speaker 1: another wedding. When that song came out, I did, was it? Well?
Speaker 1: Yd did that come out? I forget it might have been.
Speaker 1: I want to get married every year? Why not did
Speaker 1: you have weddings every year? I don't want to go
Speaker 1: broke every year. All right, So today we are talking
Speaker 1: about redefining marriage, you know, and I said in my
Speaker 1: SoundBite that I did not know that. Well, there's a
Speaker 1: lot that I didn't know about marriage that I have
Speaker 1: admitted and I've spoken about very openly on this podcast. However,
Speaker 1: when we did kind of grasp the concept of marriage
Speaker 1: in general, Deval and I I didn't realize that we
Speaker 1: would constantly, at different points in our marriage have to
Speaker 1: then restructure, chop and screw, pick out some things throughout others,
Speaker 1: and then refocus on what we wanted our marriage to
Speaker 1: look like, what being married to each other was going
Speaker 1: to entail on a day to day basis um. And
Speaker 1: where we are today, I mean, we've talked about our
Speaker 1: relationship over the past eighteen years. We've talked about being
Speaker 1: married for ten and then also to approaching what was
Speaker 1: supposed to be our viournal, which is kind of like, Okay,
Speaker 1: now that we kind of have a little bit of
Speaker 1: this downpat and we kind of understand where we are
Speaker 1: and when it comes to marriage, we also learned that
Speaker 1: we're still like daily learning more things about each other,
Speaker 1: like how much more can you learn about somebody after
Speaker 1: knowing them for eighteen years when you think you know everything.
Speaker 1: Also to working through and evolving through changes that happened individually,
Speaker 1: and changes that happened when you put kids into the
Speaker 1: picture and careers and all that. Um My most recent
Speaker 1: thing is adjusting to Devour. The actor who is now
Speaker 1: um working full time pretty much has been in and
Speaker 1: out of Atlanta since July. Safe to say now that
Speaker 1: everything is back up and running for the most part.
Speaker 1: Lots of COVID protocols are in place, so productions are happening,
Speaker 1: which we're thankful for. Like we can never really um
Speaker 1: be upset about that, but you know, just little things
Speaker 1: like I have a little mini story time after the
Speaker 1: story time about me being home holding down the fort
Speaker 1: with Mimi and the boys and everything and Devours you know,
Speaker 1: in Atlanta, And he has days where he's completely off
Speaker 1: with nothing to do, and then he has other days
Speaker 1: where he's on set all day. And this one particular day,
Speaker 1: I had taken the boys out for a little bit.
Speaker 1: It was a nice day. I said, let's get some
Speaker 1: fresh air. Took him out, you know, took him to
Speaker 1: this little pond. We got to see some fish, and
Speaker 1: Turtle came back home, sent devout pictures like hey, babe,
Speaker 1: you know, sorry you're not here for this, but here's
Speaker 1: what we're doing. And um, because I always want to
Speaker 1: make him feel like he's a part of things even
Speaker 1: though he's not here physically. And then I got home,
Speaker 1: it's like, all right, baby, I'm gonna get the boys
Speaker 1: together dinner, this, that in the third, and then I
Speaker 1: went to call him. There's a time difference clearly with
Speaker 1: the East and the West coast time, and it was
Speaker 1: like almost one o'clock his time, but it was like
Speaker 1: almost ten o'clock my time. But that's when I got
Speaker 1: the boys situated for bed, this, that and the third,
Speaker 1: and your boy was mad, like your boy had a
Speaker 1: whole attitude, like you ain't called me back. He says,
Speaker 1: you's gonna FaceTime me, And I'm here aboy myself, and
Speaker 1: I'm thinking to myself, are you picking a fight? Oh?
Speaker 1: Did you not understand that this was the life that
Speaker 1: you signed up for, that your chances are when you're
Speaker 1: feeling you're gonna have to be away from your family
Speaker 1: at some points. Um, And we're doing the best that
Speaker 1: we came over here. The whole ship down for you
Speaker 1: while you can have a clear mind and act, and
Speaker 1: you could act in peace. But it was just funny
Speaker 1: because I laughed at myself and I'm like, look at
Speaker 1: I'm married to this big baby. It just misses his
Speaker 1: family and he's done with tantrum because I ain't face
Speaker 1: time him back. It's not funny. This is this is
Speaker 1: where we still have disconnects. Codinos say, Devout called me
Speaker 1: back when you get done. You know what de Voo does,
Speaker 1: call her back when I get done. Devo say, Cadine
Speaker 1: called me back when you get done. Five hours will
Speaker 1: go by and she'll be like, oh, well, I got
Speaker 1: busy doing other things. You didn't have five minutes. You
Speaker 1: didn't have you didn't have five minutes. The question you
Speaker 1: do this all the time? Did you do this all
Speaker 1: the time? Did you have five minutes to face on
Speaker 1: me back and say, hey baby, I'm stuck doing stuff.
Speaker 1: Can I just call you later? I probably could have Okay,
Speaker 1: but you probably and I'll be getting caught up in
Speaker 1: the doing stuff with the kids at that point. If
Speaker 1: you were worried, you could have been like, damn, it's
Speaker 1: been like two or three hours. I ain't here from codeine.
Speaker 1: What if I was hemmed up somewhere with the kids.
Speaker 1: That's my point. And then this is always it goes
Speaker 1: back to the same thing with you calling me when
Speaker 1: you get places. You do not do what you say
Speaker 1: you're gonna do. I don't do it consistently enough. But
Speaker 1: the way can people been disappearing. I have to make
Speaker 1: sure I do that now and then then to me.
Speaker 1: That's why it's inconsiderate because if something bothers me, you'll
Speaker 1: call me a baby. But I'm supposed to adhere to
Speaker 1: all of your emotions and trust and and and be
Speaker 1: be willing to deal with everything that you go through physically,
Speaker 1: mentally and emotionally. I have to be understanding. I have
Speaker 1: something all the time. But if I'm going through something,
Speaker 1: Oh he's a baby, that's not fair. That's not fair.
Speaker 1: Did you did you just shake your finger? I shook
Speaker 1: my fingers, shook my finger. We don't have video for
Speaker 1: this episode today, but it's okay. De Val shook his
Speaker 1: finger at me, y'all because he was trying to pick
Speaker 1: a fight, because he knew that when he saw me
Speaker 1: it was gonna be on and popping, and he was
Speaker 1: gonna have to make up for him being in a
Speaker 1: bad mood. It's fine, you can pick fights about your way.
Speaker 1: I know you, I know how you move right now.
Speaker 1: God's wives O listen. But that's how I be learning.
Speaker 1: I've been learning stuff in this marriage as we evolve.
Speaker 1: Wives don't listen. They just make up whatever they want
Speaker 1: to make up, just saying I'm over here trying to
Speaker 1: be Could you imagine hold on? Could you imagine me
Speaker 1: be in a way by myself, about to leave set,
Speaker 1: and me saying, yeah, I'm gonna call you when I
Speaker 1: get home, and in five hours go by and I
Speaker 1: don't call you. You would be pissed. And then on
Speaker 1: top of that, you would be like, oh no, you
Speaker 1: find go ahead, go ahead with your little friends. Go
Speaker 1: ahead with your little friends. The friends always gonna be
Speaker 1: little for five hours. You're right, I'll be on the first.
Speaker 1: So back to your story time. So that that idea
Speaker 1: of you wanting your wife to be home when your
Speaker 1: children were coming home from school or whatever the case
Speaker 1: may be, that's something that was embedded in you as
Speaker 1: an eight year old. You were like, I just don't
Speaker 1: want this to be there. I don't want my children
Speaker 1: to experience what I experienced in this moment. So I'm
Speaker 1: going to find a wife who wants to be home
Speaker 1: with her kids so now. And this is important when
Speaker 1: you meet people, right, don't just meet them at the
Speaker 1: surface and meet them where they are. If you're thinking
Speaker 1: about long term with a spouse, you have to meet
Speaker 1: their family. Know who they were as a child, because
Speaker 1: a lot of the things that happened to them as
Speaker 1: a child will create the person everything. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. And I don't think people right. I don't
Speaker 1: think people put enough um impetus on that part of it.
Speaker 1: And then the reason why I told that story is
Speaker 1: because societal views and pressures did not create this gender
Speaker 1: thing for me where I wanted my wife to be
Speaker 1: home because I feel like women need to be home.
Speaker 1: It created it for me because it was traumatic for
Speaker 1: me to be lost on Flatlands Avenue with my six
Speaker 1: year old brother and not know where to go. You know,
Speaker 1: I was lucky to kind of make a left turn
Speaker 1: and head that way and see Brandon's mom to drop me.
Speaker 1: But had I not and I kept walking the wrong direction,
Speaker 1: who knows where I would have ended up. And this
Speaker 1: is not a knock on my parents because socio economically,
Speaker 1: both my parents had to work, so you know, and
Speaker 1: this is a different time back in the nineties, so
Speaker 1: I was a latch key kid and I had to
Speaker 1: get home by myself. So it's not a knock on
Speaker 1: my parents. But going through that part of my life
Speaker 1: made me realize what was important for me as a child.
Speaker 1: And then also in the summertimes, when my grandfather and
Speaker 1: my grandmother watched us for eight weeks. My grandfather went
Speaker 1: out and worked, my grandmother was at home, so when
Speaker 1: we had to go to the Boys and Girls club,
Speaker 1: she dropped us, picked us up. When we had to
Speaker 1: go to the roller skating wing for parties, she dropped
Speaker 1: us and picked us up. When things happened in the
Speaker 1: community at that time, I was never concerned about what
Speaker 1: was gonna happen because my grandmother was going to be
Speaker 1: there to be my advocate at some point and always
Speaker 1: make sure we got to where we wanted to get
Speaker 1: you to get back home. So for me having that
Speaker 1: person to take care of my children was important. It
Speaker 1: really had nothing to do with society's views of that
Speaker 1: is just what I saw. My grandmother took care of
Speaker 1: us in the summertime when my grandfather worked and in
Speaker 1: Brandon Grneri's mom made sure that we got home from
Speaker 1: school properly all the way through middle school. So for me,
Speaker 1: that was and it's important for me. The reason why
Speaker 1: I told that stories because going through that now it's like, Okay,
Speaker 1: when I get married, I want to I want a
Speaker 1: woman that's going to do that. Then I meet this
Speaker 1: woman who's outspoken, master's degree, has all of these career aspirations,
Speaker 1: and it's like, oh, shoot, I didn't even think about
Speaker 1: this right exactly, because then you also think about the
Speaker 1: women that you're attracted to, and that that's someone who
Speaker 1: was out there doing a bunch of stuff, which was
Speaker 1: me juggling mad things, you know, which I tend to do.
Speaker 1: And yeah, then you have to decide, all right, well,
Speaker 1: what makes more sense? What is she willing to do?
Speaker 1: What does she want to do? And then that opens
Speaker 1: up another cand of worms of discussion when we talk
Speaker 1: about what we want as parents, you know, because you
Speaker 1: always talk about what you want out of a spouse,
Speaker 1: but then you also have the conversation of what you're
Speaker 1: looking for when you want to co parent and make
Speaker 1: children with someone you know. UM, And it also talks
Speaker 1: about gender roles. I mean, generals is a huge debated
Speaker 1: topic I think for years. UM. And as gender roles
Speaker 1: progress in society continues to change, the importance of marriage
Speaker 1: and in the family structure has changed with it as well.
Speaker 1: So you talked about your parents, the socio economic impact
Speaker 1: that had both parents having to work, you know at
Speaker 1: that time, and then also going from like nontraditional weddings
Speaker 1: love stories that started on an app to more women
Speaker 1: being the breadwinner in the breadwinner in their household, you know.
Speaker 1: So there's so many things that are changing the dynamics
Speaker 1: of UM. Millennial marriage are changing the way that married
Speaker 1: life works, and millennials I think are responsible for the
Speaker 1: shrinking divorce rates. That's interesting, UM, So we're going to
Speaker 1: talk about like what makes our relationship and many other
Speaker 1: relationship marriages, I guess the millennial versions of it, what
Speaker 1: makes those goals and what makes those divorce rates lower.
Speaker 1: Is it that people are just deciding not to get
Speaker 1: married at a quicker rate, or they're more cautious entering
Speaker 1: marriage than when they do get married, they decide not
Speaker 1: to divorce. Our more conversations being had amongst millennial couples,
Speaker 1: where they can then voice their opinions about what's happening
Speaker 1: within the marriage. I feel like there's a lot of things.
Speaker 1: I think there's a change happening amongst educated men and
Speaker 1: women who have decided that how they design their marriage
Speaker 1: is not going to be the fifties. So me, for example,
Speaker 1: I still want that lifestyle for my kids to have
Speaker 1: one of their parents home. Right, I'm not going to
Speaker 1: stay at home, like I said before, regardless of what
Speaker 1: people think about gender roles. My wife is the vest
Speaker 1: of a life for our legacy and our boys. I'm
Speaker 1: going to go out and work, right, But that doesn't
Speaker 1: mean I'm gonna tell my wife you have to stay
Speaker 1: home with the kids. At that point, that's where my
Speaker 1: mind changed, and my mind said, you know what, rather
Speaker 1: than trying to create a life style that's so big
Speaker 1: that my wife can just stay home, I'm going to
Speaker 1: create a lifestyle that's going to give my wife autonomy
Speaker 1: to make decisions about her life, so she can decide
Speaker 1: whether she wants to stay at home or go out
Speaker 1: and work. So building in the flexibility was a big
Speaker 1: thing for us when we decided that we wanted to
Speaker 1: have children because we both knew that, Okay, if we
Speaker 1: were locked into a job that required us to be
Speaker 1: at this place for a certain time frame, then that
Speaker 1: completely takes away from us the ability to control our schedule.
Speaker 1: So even when I worked at that cosmetics years ago,
Speaker 1: you know, there is a bit of flexibility with the
Speaker 1: schedule where you can pretend, you know, if you have
Speaker 1: something going on, you can close or you can open,
Speaker 1: and there's a little bit of that, but ultimately it's
Speaker 1: retail and you have to be there the holiday time.
Speaker 1: It's crazy, you know. So that was probably one of
Speaker 1: my unhappiest moments when I think about my career path.
Speaker 1: I was doing it because we needed it in that moment,
Speaker 1: and it was just like, girl, we need health insurance.
Speaker 1: You gotta work, like Devot was at home with and
Speaker 1: it's something that we we had to do in that moment. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then after knowing like, man, this is just not
Speaker 1: going to work for me. I'm not happy, i don't
Speaker 1: feel fulfilled. I feel like I'm missing my family, I'm
Speaker 1: missing out on so much. That's when we had to
Speaker 1: reassess what my career was gonna look like. So that's
Speaker 1: when I left retail and decided to freelance on my own.
Speaker 1: That way, I was able to make my own schedule.
Speaker 1: And I think that we have to discuss, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm going to discuss from a man standpoint, the whole
Speaker 1: idea of being an alpha because that's what happens in marriages. Someone.
Speaker 1: They always say someone has to be an alpha, someone
Speaker 1: has to be a beta. You know what I'm saying
Speaker 1: in the stuff like this whole idea that if you're
Speaker 1: an alpha male, you control your wife. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, You're under control, you have everything under control,
Speaker 1: you control, And I think that that's starting to change
Speaker 1: because what I've just realized is that being an alpha
Speaker 1: male doesn't mean that you control your wife or you
Speaker 1: control the person that you're with. Being an alpha male
Speaker 1: means that you control everything that exists around her so
Speaker 1: that she can have control over what she wants to do.
Speaker 1: And there's a difference. To me, the whole idea of
Speaker 1: being an alpha male and controlling your wife shows a
Speaker 1: huge insecurity. You want to control her, You want to
Speaker 1: control what she does, who she sees, where she sees.
Speaker 1: You can't be an alpha male if you're controlling, if
Speaker 1: you have insecurities. You can't be an alpha male, be
Speaker 1: just controlling or just an alpha And generally I don't
Speaker 1: even think of just like even sex sex same sex relationships,
Speaker 1: there's usually an alpha person and abating, but I think
Speaker 1: usually one person has the surfaces that or not. But
Speaker 1: I don't feel like to an extent, I feel like
Speaker 1: I'm an alpha as well. But I do know we
Speaker 1: do know how to then bend when necessary. I was
Speaker 1: accommodate each other absolutely, But I do think that there's
Speaker 1: you and I have had enough conversation to decide, you
Speaker 1: know what, I'm going to lean on you and this
Speaker 1: time to lead right. And did you listen to the
Speaker 1: podcast with me and the girls? You didn't listen to
Speaker 1: because listen no, because we talked about this lightly. We
Speaker 1: talked about the the the person who damned you and
Speaker 1: was like, oh, you know you allowed your wife to
Speaker 1: wear this swimsuit impose on the rocket that the word allow.
Speaker 1: The minute I said it in a room with like
Speaker 1: three other females, they were like what, Like everybody was
Speaker 1: clutching pearls and they were triggered because it's like that
Speaker 1: word allow, Like how do you allow as a husband
Speaker 1: your wife to do something. And that was the common
Speaker 1: consensus I think between all of us is that we
Speaker 1: were all in relationships where allou wasn't necessarily the right word.
Speaker 1: It was just like, if you're better equipped to do
Speaker 1: something in that moment, do it. If I am, I'll
Speaker 1: do it. And it's literally a partnership and teamwork that
Speaker 1: goes into it. There's not this level of control. I
Speaker 1: know that that's easy to say though, but at some
Speaker 1: point there has to be a leader, someone has somebody
Speaker 1: has to be with, somebody decisions and then in the
Speaker 1: two of us, it comes down to me. Absolutely it
Speaker 1: comes and when it comes too of us and we're like, babe,
Speaker 1: this is what we're gonna do. And you're more decisive
Speaker 1: than me, way more decisive, So you're just like all right,
Speaker 1: And I think part of being a leader is knowing
Speaker 1: and you and I talked about this all the time.
Speaker 1: I know how where I want to go, I know
Speaker 1: how I want to go. You oftentimes know the best
Speaker 1: way to get there. Yes, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So for us, that's what I figured out. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I want to act, I want to do this, I
Speaker 1: want to TV, I want to build this business. I
Speaker 1: want to do this, all the other things that go
Speaker 1: into figuring out the best way to get there, the
Speaker 1: whole analogy about directions. Husband will drive, he knows how
Speaker 1: to get us there by me, he knows you know
Speaker 1: where we want to go. But the wife will get us.
Speaker 1: She navigated. We've been that way for us, and you
Speaker 1: used to navigate. This was before map Quest. This was
Speaker 1: before Google's no no, this was map quest directions out
Speaker 1: and you used to yell out the coordinates. I used
Speaker 1: to time the odometer, like Okay, we're gonna watch out
Speaker 1: for this time. Those are the days. But um, I
Speaker 1: think that that's become the new idea of marriage, especially
Speaker 1: from me. And I'm just speaking from a man's perspective.
Speaker 1: I'll let you speak from a woman's perspective. But for me,
Speaker 1: I've I've stopped saying I want my wife to to
Speaker 1: do this and saying I'm going to create an environment
Speaker 1: around her where my wife can choose what she wants
Speaker 1: to do, and then no matter what she chooses, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be able to be supportive in that, you know.
Speaker 1: And there's something very outpha about that, because I have
Speaker 1: men who hit me up in d mc all the time.
Speaker 1: It's just like, yo, your wife do this, your wife
Speaker 1: go to work here, And I'm just like, bro, whatever
Speaker 1: my wife wants to do, she has a life. She
Speaker 1: has a life. If she decides tomorrow she wants to
Speaker 1: take over the world and be Oprah, right, I'm going
Speaker 1: to support that because I am confident in knowing that
Speaker 1: no matter what she does taking over the world, she's
Speaker 1: still gonna be my wife. She could be Beyonce, she
Speaker 1: could be Oprah, she could be Cadeem, She's still going
Speaker 1: to be my wife. So I don't have any need
Speaker 1: to be controlling and say stay here and take care
Speaker 1: of my kids. If that means that while she's taken
Speaker 1: over the world, I have to move in her mother,
Speaker 1: my mother in law, which is what we did, you know,
Speaker 1: so that you can go out there and and generate
Speaker 1: more revenue. We were able to and then that way
Speaker 1: you didn't have to sacrifice as much on your end
Speaker 1: because you were still able to work at the things
Speaker 1: you wanted to work out. But we know that the
Speaker 1: children were taken care of, and if it couldn't be
Speaker 1: you and it couldn't be me, then it was gonna
Speaker 1: be going to be somebody if that means that I
Speaker 1: have to grill, that I gotta make breakfast in the morning,
Speaker 1: and I gotta I'm willing to do that because if
Speaker 1: I can create this space where my wife feels comfortable
Speaker 1: living in her purpose, that to me is the best
Speaker 1: part of being married. You know, it's no longer it
Speaker 1: I'm giving my wife these rules she gotta follow in
Speaker 1: order to make sure my kids are taking care of.
Speaker 1: It's more about, Okay, let me see what her dreams are,
Speaker 1: how can we make that and supporting that because listen,
Speaker 1: women noways we have all the dreams and all the
Speaker 1: goals and not doing just have them and we're just
Speaker 1: sitting around daydreaming about them. We're actually out there making
Speaker 1: it happen, putting one foot in front of the other.
Speaker 1: And I think that's something to definitely applaud. And I
Speaker 1: can understand how a gentleman meets a woman and see
Speaker 1: someone who's out there doing doing so many things. You know.
Speaker 1: On the converse side, I think about men who I've
Speaker 1: spoken to, whether it be close friends or family or whoever,
Speaker 1: that have been like man like, I'm trying to find
Speaker 1: a woman that can do something, that's doing something, and
Speaker 1: I was like, well, where are you looking at? You know,
Speaker 1: it makes you really wonder what where these people were,
Speaker 1: These pockets of women who are doing amazing things. But
Speaker 1: I feel like I see it all the time. Or
Speaker 1: maybe it's just because I follow those women on social media,
Speaker 1: so I feel extra inspired and motivated by women who
Speaker 1: are doing amazing things. But nowadays women are not just
Speaker 1: you know, stuck in the household. They're they're trying to
Speaker 1: do both and they're doing it well, um and doing
Speaker 1: it with the support and sometimes without the support of
Speaker 1: a spouse. Let's look into some statistics UM. More than
Speaker 1: one in ten married millennials have a spouse who is
Speaker 1: of a different racial or ethnic background, according to a
Speaker 1: Pew Research Center. Data from pre Research Centers survey surveys
Speaker 1: conducted in two thousand and ten and two thousand and
Speaker 1: eleven found that female millennials are just as likely as
Speaker 1: males to say that being successful in a high paying
Speaker 1: career or profession is a very important or even the
Speaker 1: most important thing in their life. The male mass mystique.
Speaker 1: A report for the Family and Work Institute UM indicates
Speaker 1: that six of fathers with two income families said work
Speaker 1: family conflicts are a problem, and in n seven only
Speaker 1: thirty percent of fathers in such settings called it an issue. Well,
Speaker 1: I can tell you why that is. And teen seventy
Speaker 1: seven there weren't as many women in workplace so exactly,
Speaker 1: and I'll speak to that. It is a difficult thing
Speaker 1: to adjust to write because if you are a traditional man, right,
Speaker 1: if you're a traditional man who says I would like
Speaker 1: to be able to provide and protect and make sure
Speaker 1: my wife has everything at home, right, you make enough
Speaker 1: money that your wife doesn't have to work, you're busting
Speaker 1: your tail doing doing tons of hours to make sure
Speaker 1: everything is good at home. But then when you get home,
Speaker 1: you don't reap the benefits of a traditional household. It
Speaker 1: becomes an issue for men and the benefits of a
Speaker 1: traditional household. What do you mean? Like, for example, if
Speaker 1: I'm out When you and I were together, right, and
Speaker 1: I was working eighteen sixteen hours because I was acting
Speaker 1: and then working at the gym, I was working as
Speaker 1: a mentor, and then also taking personal clients to make
Speaker 1: sure that you didn't have to work because you wanted
Speaker 1: to be at home with Jackson. And I was doing
Speaker 1: all these hours to make sure the money I was
Speaker 1: paying all the buildings, all the stuff, but then when
Speaker 1: I come home there's no dinner, or when I come
Speaker 1: home the house is dirty. It's like I'm busting my tail.
Speaker 1: And I don't mind being traditional in the sense that
Speaker 1: I don't mind taking care of all the responsibilities, but
Speaker 1: then when I come home, you know, no one's taking
Speaker 1: care of me. That can be an issue for a
Speaker 1: guy who hasn't figured out how to find a way
Speaker 1: to do all of those things and push for his
Speaker 1: wife to have her dream. Because we talked about this before,
Speaker 1: you will sit at home and you would be unhappy,
Speaker 1: even though you were home with your son. You're unhappy
Speaker 1: because you weren't living in your purpose. So because you
Speaker 1: weren't living in your purpose, you weren't making the home happy.
Speaker 1: So as a man, it's like, I'm doing everything I
Speaker 1: can to try to give you the things you said
Speaker 1: you want, but since you weren't living in your purpose,
Speaker 1: you weren't happy to home wasn't happy, so and then
Speaker 1: coming home to an unhappy home, it's like, right, so
Speaker 1: I'm working sixteen eighteen hours and I come home to
Speaker 1: an unhappy home. It's kind of like them, what do
Speaker 1: I gain from this? And it wasn't until I started
Speaker 1: to realize that I have to find a way to
Speaker 1: not to not just put you here at home, but
Speaker 1: away for you to do everything you want to do
Speaker 1: and still get what I need on home. And that
Speaker 1: was moving your mom in right exactly, because then I
Speaker 1: alleviated some of the day to day things that she
Speaker 1: takes care of. It I'm like, Okay, now that frees
Speaker 1: up time for me to then do this, or that
Speaker 1: frees up time for us to even have a date
Speaker 1: night or something. You know. And it's funny how you
Speaker 1: have to think about wrapping purpose into all of this,
Speaker 1: because you know, if you're not living in your purpose,
Speaker 1: like I've said before, it's it's really difficult to understand
Speaker 1: why you're even existing, and it's hard to then justify
Speaker 1: the moves that you make on a day to day basis. Um. So,
Speaker 1: I think having the ability as a woman to say, Okay,
Speaker 1: I have the support of a spouse, and here are
Speaker 1: the things that I want to get done. Um, I
Speaker 1: can pick and choose some of the things that I
Speaker 1: want to get done so that way I can balance
Speaker 1: work in life or you know, you maybe woman that's
Speaker 1: not how do I do the balancing. Yeah, because that's
Speaker 1: that's part of the issue that women are saying. You know,
Speaker 1: a lot of women say I don't know how to
Speaker 1: have it all, and they're telling women you can't have
Speaker 1: it all? Right, how do you balance? Man? I tell
Speaker 1: you I'm still working on trying to balance it because
Speaker 1: I feel like something is always going to suffer. There's
Speaker 1: always a deficit somewhere when you're trying to do many
Speaker 1: different things where you're trying to satisfy, her, appease different
Speaker 1: parties in your life, you know what I mean. So
Speaker 1: you think about pouring into your marriage, then it's like, Okay,
Speaker 1: the kids might fall by the wayside, or the career
Speaker 1: might fall by the wayside, or conversely, you have friends
Speaker 1: that you're just like, damn, I don't even get to
Speaker 1: see my friends anymore and have any girl time or
Speaker 1: some social time because I've been working and taking care
Speaker 1: of the family. So really just being deliberate, deliberate about
Speaker 1: balance um has helped a lot with me and really
Speaker 1: having to sift out my priorities, like, okay, so where
Speaker 1: do things fall on the list? Sometimes I feel like
Speaker 1: you feel like you fall to the bottom of the
Speaker 1: list because it's like, well, Cadine taken care of herself,
Speaker 1: her kids, you know, our kids, and her career, and
Speaker 1: then I fall to the bottom or reverse. You may
Speaker 1: feel like at the bottom. No, I'm admitting to that
Speaker 1: you feel like that sometimes, and it's true that you
Speaker 1: feel like that, but it's true yeah sometimes. And the
Speaker 1: reason I do that sometimes is because it maybe not
Speaker 1: the right thing. But I feel like, Okay, devows an
Speaker 1: adult and he can understand, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: Like he knows my plight. He understands everything that I
Speaker 1: have to do, so he can understand in this moment that, Okay,
Speaker 1: DEVI I'm gonna need you to just sit tight. I
Speaker 1: gotta do X y Z for work. I got the kids,
Speaker 1: I got this, that and that. You know it has
Speaker 1: to be done. But I can't always expect you to
Speaker 1: always be at the bottom of the list either, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. So I was going to follow
Speaker 1: it up by saying and admitting, yes, I do put
Speaker 1: you at the bottom sometimes, but there has to be
Speaker 1: at a constant fluctuation of that list for me, because
Speaker 1: everybody got to get a little love. No, the reason
Speaker 1: why I asked is me and I wanted the reason
Speaker 1: why I asked if you put me on the bottom
Speaker 1: sometime is because I wanted to ask, how do you
Speaker 1: decide when I'm going to be at the bottom and
Speaker 1: when it's like, you know what I got to give
Speaker 1: my husband sometimes because that's typically an issue for husbands,
Speaker 1: I don't get the liberty to say my wife gets
Speaker 1: to be at the bottom. That's dead. Is not allowed
Speaker 1: in husbandhood to ever say my wife is at the bottom.
Speaker 1: My wife always has to be at the top with
Speaker 1: my job. You know, if I focus on my wife,
Speaker 1: if I focus on my job, focus on my wife
Speaker 1: and my kids. What I'm saying because my kids like
Speaker 1: my kids. I can never put my kids in front
Speaker 1: of my wife because my wife takes care of my kids.
Speaker 1: If you're not taking care of the kids, won't be
Speaker 1: And hich is why I feel like, you know, it
Speaker 1: sounds bad to say you're at the bottom and the
Speaker 1: kids are above you, but it's just like they depend
Speaker 1: on me so much, you know what I mean, Like
Speaker 1: a lot of times the kids will just be like,
Speaker 1: you know, so it's hard, but I have to also
Speaker 1: be conscious of how often have you been sitting at
Speaker 1: the bottom of the list. Has it been a couple
Speaker 1: of days, you know what I mean, And that's when
Speaker 1: I have to now factor in some time for us.
Speaker 1: So whether it's scheduling the night that we hang out
Speaker 1: together a little bit, we go to the movie, well,
Speaker 1: when we could go to the movies, but having nights
Speaker 1: that are just designated or time slots that are designated
Speaker 1: for you, it really just became a matter of me
Speaker 1: reorganizing my life and reorganizing my schedule to just say
Speaker 1: I'm going to have to schedule in certain things. So
Speaker 1: so though it may be bad, people say, like, sometimes
Speaker 1: you gotta scheduling sex. I forget who was recently that
Speaker 1: talked about tim she schedules in sex or something in
Speaker 1: her Sometimes you gotta schedule and it may not be
Speaker 1: sex time per se, but it's just like this is
Speaker 1: husband time, this is like Jackson time, like not trying
Speaker 1: to always lump the kids together. Then this is time
Speaker 1: where I have a commitment. Some things are more time
Speaker 1: sensitive than others, Like Okay, i have this content that's
Speaker 1: do by this date, and I'm talking to our manager
Speaker 1: about it. Like it's really just trying to jug juggle
Speaker 1: and balance and trying to give myself grace and trying
Speaker 1: to also realize like some something is always going to
Speaker 1: suffer to an extent, but just doing the best that
Speaker 1: you can on a day to day basis, and thankfully
Speaker 1: I have you and my mom to help me make
Speaker 1: that happen, so I could never say I do it alone.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say this in full transparency. Everything you talk
Speaker 1: about husband's been doing that, and I'm gonna say this,
Speaker 1: people don't people act like for example, even a husband
Speaker 1: that does work in the mom, the husband that does
Speaker 1: work in the wife is at home, they act like
Speaker 1: the husband just be out working and come home and
Speaker 1: put his feet up and just sit back, even when
Speaker 1: you weren't working, like doing a bunch of social media
Speaker 1: stuff in and building your career out. When I used
Speaker 1: to come back from the gym after work in eighteen hours,
Speaker 1: I grabbed the kids, right. But you did that because
Speaker 1: you wanted to still be dead and you wanted to
Speaker 1: have time with the kids. I'm not saying I didn't
Speaker 1: like it, But what I'm saying is is that husbands
Speaker 1: have been doing both in the home and at work
Speaker 1: for a long time, and it's like, I know what
Speaker 1: my I know when I have to prioritize you're just
Speaker 1: starting to learn it, and I'm trying to hear your
Speaker 1: process because I know what my process is, right, I
Speaker 1: know what my process is because when from the time
Speaker 1: we got married, I know I wanted to be a
Speaker 1: good husband, I want to be a good father, and
Speaker 1: I want to be a good businessman. So I could
Speaker 1: there was never a point where I could put anybody,
Speaker 1: you know, just be like I'm gonna just discard this
Speaker 1: for a minute, like that's just not And if you
Speaker 1: listen to you think you feel like I discard you.
Speaker 1: For moments, I don't feel like I discard you. I
Speaker 1: may just have you like lower on the totem pole,
Speaker 1: like I said, or I might have you like okay,
Speaker 1: like I can't do X y Z right now because
Speaker 1: I have this time I play. But I don't think
Speaker 1: I ever discard you. You feel discarded, yes, sometimes, okay, sometimes,
Speaker 1: I mean that's how you feel, that's how you feel.
Speaker 1: I mean you don't, I mean you don't. I mean
Speaker 1: you you honestly said just now that you feel like
Speaker 1: sometimes you put me at the bottom. And sometimes I
Speaker 1: gotta remind you. Sometimes I gotta remind you that I've
Speaker 1: been at the bottom for a long time. How often
Speaker 1: have you had to be had to remind me that
Speaker 1: I forgot about something. I'm very romantic. I'm very romantic
Speaker 1: you at your moments, Yes, I don't. I'm the one
Speaker 1: who would say we need to do a date night.
Speaker 1: I'm the one to make sure that every birthday, every
Speaker 1: Christman you get something very special. I mean, but I've
Speaker 1: been I planned date nights as well to I planned
Speaker 1: time like without the kids and stuff like that. I've
Speaker 1: been doing that more too, But I think my schedule changes,
Speaker 1: and I've been more more aware of it now too,
Speaker 1: because my schedule has has fluctuated over the years. But
Speaker 1: just being down from pregnancy, having kids, coming back, then
Speaker 1: trying to reintegrate into my career, and then trying to
Speaker 1: figure out how to get my career back up and
Speaker 1: running again. And then it's like being pregnant again and
Speaker 1: it's like okay, you stop, and then it's trying to
Speaker 1: get back into my game. So there's many different reasons
Speaker 1: as to why I've had to be readjusting my schedule,
Speaker 1: and I'm saying okay, I said yes, I'm just trying
Speaker 1: to have you speak on when do you like for me,
Speaker 1: I've never had well, I can tell when you fidgett.
Speaker 1: What I'm saying is is that I've never been pregnant.
Speaker 1: I've never had to gain weight and lose weight, never
Speaker 1: had to be a breastfeeding. So for me as a husband,
Speaker 1: my my edguling what I've had to do that I
Speaker 1: don't have the high peaks and low valleys that you've
Speaker 1: had as a woman because of childbirth. And I'm saying
Speaker 1: I understand that I want to hear your your your process.
Speaker 1: I want you to talk about your process because I
Speaker 1: know what my process is. It's been kind of even
Speaker 1: killed for me, which is kind of it's been. It's
Speaker 1: kind of it's unfair if you think about it being
Speaker 1: a husband, you know, being a husbands kind of unfair
Speaker 1: because people think I'm trying to use kids and as
Speaker 1: an excuse. Like I've seen that too sometimes like oh, Okadin,
Speaker 1: it's just like how how long is she gonna up
Speaker 1: on her having three kids? And I'm like, I feel
Speaker 1: like I'm not using it as an excuse. It's my reality.
Speaker 1: This is what it is. Like, Okay, I'm not pregnant anymore,
Speaker 1: and I've bounced back from that. Yes, I feel like
Speaker 1: now I'm starting to get a grasp on, like, okay,
Speaker 1: the way things need to shift and move, but okay,
Speaker 1: there needs to be some accountability here, though, There needs
Speaker 1: to be some accountability. I'm not talking about you. I'm
Speaker 1: not talking about you. I'm talking about people in general.
Speaker 1: We have friends who have one child but have nanny's
Speaker 1: family come over assistance. They have plenty of help, but
Speaker 1: then when it comes to their husband, they're still tired,
Speaker 1: like like no, hold on, hold on, hold on, but
Speaker 1: hold on. All I'm saying is it seems to me
Speaker 1: to be like a I could throw this out that
Speaker 1: I had a baby and it's okay to disregard my
Speaker 1: husband for a while, and and in marriages, that's not
Speaker 1: cool because think about it. Being a husband, I'm not
Speaker 1: allowed to use those things. I'm never allowed to say, baby,
Speaker 1: I worked eighteen hours. I'm too tired to deal with this.
Speaker 1: Have you ever seen in any one of these posts
Speaker 1: anything people say that they're like, will give Devoi break,
Speaker 1: he's tired. You've never seen that You're allowed to be
Speaker 1: tired though, like like I feel like if I and
Speaker 1: and sometimes I'm the one that has to say to you,
Speaker 1: devour cool you're freaking jets, like you need to chill
Speaker 1: out for a second and relax, Like I feel like
Speaker 1: I have to be that for you sometimes to create
Speaker 1: balance in your life, because you'll be working yourself into
Speaker 1: an early grades. Absolutely. But but my thing is that
Speaker 1: I'm trying to hear your process because the reason why
Speaker 1: I do work like that is because all of these
Speaker 1: things I'm trying to balance. Father, husband, businessman, I'm trying
Speaker 1: to give all of them the same amounts of energy,
Speaker 1: which is tiring. But at the same time, I never
Speaker 1: had to give birth, so I understand that there's going
Speaker 1: to be a difference between you and your process of
Speaker 1: mind because the peaks and valleys are different. So I'm admitting,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying that imagine this. Imagine if
Speaker 1: I have all this stuff happening. Right in the middle
Speaker 1: of all of this happening, I had to have a
Speaker 1: major surgery and had to be better written for nine
Speaker 1: months and God forbid, and I had to gain thirty
Speaker 1: to forty pounds. Then on top of that, I had
Speaker 1: to come back from that injury, you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: And then on all of that, I still have to
Speaker 1: try to balance at some point, something's gonna happens. That's
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. What I'm saying is I understand your process.
Speaker 1: I'm saying that I've been doing this, so hearing my process,
Speaker 1: I know what it is because I've never had that.
Speaker 1: It's been even for you, and so it's the peak
Speaker 1: in the valley. So I'm trying to hear the process
Speaker 1: of like what does a woman go through when you
Speaker 1: should be exhausting, that should be tiring. And it's like
Speaker 1: it's if it's not a physical tired, it's just like
Speaker 1: a mental tired. It's an emotional tired of trying to
Speaker 1: figure out how to get everything done. It's it's stressful
Speaker 1: as fun, Like I can't even like that's just what
Speaker 1: it is. It's what it is. It was more stressful,
Speaker 1: like a stressful tithe and a physic actual physical time. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like it's like your mind could never turn off tired,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. And you're the same way.
Speaker 1: You're the same way. It may not always be like
Speaker 1: physically I have to go and sleep this off. Sometimes
Speaker 1: you're like, but I can't sleep because I have a
Speaker 1: thousand things that need to be done, so I can't sleep.
Speaker 1: So it's not the physical tired. It's just like there's
Speaker 1: the pressure of having to do all these different things
Speaker 1: and satisfy all these different people. You want to satisfy
Speaker 1: the workplace, you want to satisfy the kids, you want
Speaker 1: to satisfy the husband, and at some point something falters.
Speaker 1: At some point you just never want to recover from
Speaker 1: that faltering though. You want to be able to try
Speaker 1: to find a way to like, oh, before this hits
Speaker 1: rock bottom, let me you know, let me read it
Speaker 1: in I just I'm just saying my aim is not
Speaker 1: to always make it you, and my aim is not
Speaker 1: to always be like, well, devout can understand because he's
Speaker 1: an adult, or Devout and understand because he's my husband,
Speaker 1: or Devout understand my plights. So therefore I just said,
Speaker 1: I feel like I can't use that as an excuse
Speaker 1: when it comes to you. All right, Well, the reason
Speaker 1: why I was trying to get your process because I
Speaker 1: wanted to tell how I try to help you in
Speaker 1: that process. You know what I'm saying, because I want
Speaker 1: to give I want to give people a takeaway. Because
Speaker 1: I feel like we have reached a point now after
Speaker 1: ten years where we've kind of found a moment where
Speaker 1: we in a good vibe, right. And what I've noticed
Speaker 1: is I wanted to hear your process because I wanted
Speaker 1: to So was I not clear about my process? I mean,
Speaker 1: you didn't really give me a process. You just told
Speaker 1: me how you feel. But you didn't you didn't give
Speaker 1: me a problem. You didn't say I focused on this
Speaker 1: this day. I focused on that. This is how I bounce.
Speaker 1: I'm saying that schedule things, So I scheduled things when
Speaker 1: I know, okay, First of all, when it comes to
Speaker 1: work and making money finances, right, their deadlines usually associated
Speaker 1: with that. So if Donor calls us and say, hey, hey,
Speaker 1: you need content for this on that date, you have
Speaker 1: to host this on that date, those to me are
Speaker 1: paramount because we gotta live, we gotta feed these kids. Right.
Speaker 1: So for the chances like those time commitments where I
Speaker 1: have those moments where I'm like, these things have to
Speaker 1: get done because that's when other people are having productions
Speaker 1: and it's not at my leisure that has to get done, right,
Speaker 1: then there's certain things when it comes to the kids.
Speaker 1: For example, now that we're doing virtual learning at home,
Speaker 1: there's certain designated time slots that I dedicate to the
Speaker 1: children because they gotta learn. At this point, we were
Speaker 1: doing the best that we can. When it comes to
Speaker 1: virtual learning, Jackson has his instructions. I work with the
Speaker 1: two little ones in conjunction with my mom because the kids,
Speaker 1: the kids gotta learn. Right. Then after that, part of
Speaker 1: my self care, I think goes into work because I'm
Speaker 1: on camera a lot. So if it comes down to
Speaker 1: Cadine having to go get her eyebrows done, her nails done,
Speaker 1: her here, or whatever it is, that kind of spills
Speaker 1: into some of my work life stuff. So I'll have
Speaker 1: the schedule appointments for that, because these are a lot
Speaker 1: of things that depend on other people's schedule as well. Right,
Speaker 1: and then of course there's devoted so a vow is
Speaker 1: in the house for the most part, I feel like
Speaker 1: I'm more deliberate now because you're traveling. So now I
Speaker 1: feel like, Okay, there's things that I'm going to have
Speaker 1: to move around with devout being home. So I try
Speaker 1: to make the most out of the time that we
Speaker 1: have when we are together. So I'm willing to you know, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna get my nails done or whatever whatever today.
Speaker 1: Some things will have to then be put to the
Speaker 1: side because I know Devot's going to be home for
Speaker 1: a certain amount of time and I want to give
Speaker 1: him my undivided attention in this moment. So when you're
Speaker 1: at home, though more consistently, that tends to be a
Speaker 1: little bit more heary for me because I'm like, oh, well,
Speaker 1: DeVos here, and I sometimes take for granted the fact
Speaker 1: that you're there, so I'm like, oh, if I can't
Speaker 1: get to Devot to day with something. For example, say
Speaker 1: we were planning a date night and we don't do it,
Speaker 1: then I feel like, all right, well, I have another
Speaker 1: time to then do that later, you know. So that's
Speaker 1: that's scheduling for me. There's a reason why I asked
Speaker 1: I wanted the process, because you can't say the process
Speaker 1: might well because because I wanted. Okay, sometimes I'll be
Speaker 1: asking you for details and you'll be telling me how
Speaker 1: you feel, like, like, what what the fun asked for
Speaker 1: the process? You got to frame your question right, so
Speaker 1: I know what it was my question. It was the question, okay, Okay, Anyway,
Speaker 1: the reason why I asked, I put things in order, business, kids,
Speaker 1: self care, devote two or three four. I have no
Speaker 1: problem with and the five is everything else like friends, family.
Speaker 1: I have no problem with any of these, right. So
Speaker 1: what I'm telling you is how I, as a husband
Speaker 1: try to help you so that I'm not always last.
Speaker 1: So for example, with business, you don't know this, but
Speaker 1: we have the same manager, right, I don't know that. No,
Speaker 1: I'm talking about the people listening. I don't know this.
Speaker 1: We have the same manager. What I'll do is as
Speaker 1: your husband, not as your business partner. Do this as
Speaker 1: your husband, and it's a little bit different because we
Speaker 1: are husbands. That's a struggle in itself. But as a husband,
Speaker 1: I'll be like, yo, the noora, what does she have
Speaker 1: to do for X y Z. I'll get a lot
Speaker 1: of other stuff done that I know could be tedious
Speaker 1: to you. For example, if you have to create something,
Speaker 1: you have to make a creative for yes, first of him,
Speaker 1: or I'll make the creative for it. And that's your strength.
Speaker 1: So that's when I really english. It has to be
Speaker 1: it has I'll edited, right, so that'll take away. And
Speaker 1: I do that as a husband, not as a business partner.
Speaker 1: The same way. The same way, if you work as
Speaker 1: a CEO of a company, your husband would be supportive
Speaker 1: of that for us, it gets harry because we've worked together.
Speaker 1: But I don't do that as a business point. I
Speaker 1: do that as a husband because I know that I'm
Speaker 1: good at that, So that's something I do. So Boom,
Speaker 1: I thought you did that as a business partner because
Speaker 1: she's like, you want our content to look good and
Speaker 1: be good. So you know, either way it gets done,
Speaker 1: which is great because that's that's like I said. Develop
Speaker 1: asked me all the time, and I say, that's not
Speaker 1: my ministry, that's not my maniged, that's not what I do.
Speaker 1: Like I can be on their talent. I can hope,
Speaker 1: so I can act, but I'm not doing the behind
Speaker 1: the scenes stuff. So I know. I know that you'll
Speaker 1: get it done eventually. But I know that if I
Speaker 1: wait for you to get it done eventually, that number four,
Speaker 1: which is me, that's less time time for me. So
Speaker 1: as a husband's like, if I help you in this area,
Speaker 1: I can get more time. Number four it gets bumped up, right,
Speaker 1: So boom, that's business. I help out where I can
Speaker 1: in the business with i' was stepping on your toes.
Speaker 1: I don't want you to feel like I'm hovering. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. So, then with the kids, I
Speaker 1: know for exactly, for example, with Jackson, I can help
Speaker 1: with Jackson. So when it comes to his distance learning,
Speaker 1: I got Jackson a tutor, a math tutor. I handle
Speaker 1: all of his distance learning, so that you can take
Speaker 1: that off your plate, you know. And me, me's helping
Speaker 1: with Cairo, So that leaves you with cats. So I
Speaker 1: try to find ways to help with the kids. This
Speaker 1: way you can have more time. Once again, if the
Speaker 1: vow is number four, I helped with the business, I
Speaker 1: hope with the kids, boom, the vale moves up. Then
Speaker 1: it comes to self care. I love self care for you.
Speaker 1: You know how I feel. I've been telling you from
Speaker 1: the time we were younger. I don't care how much
Speaker 1: it costs for you to get a facial, or your
Speaker 1: nails done or manny petty, or if I got a
Speaker 1: curl your hair. I am all for it because I
Speaker 1: can't I can't say to you I love I love
Speaker 1: the cadeem that I fell in love with, and then
Speaker 1: not help you take care of yourself. Plus, I know
Speaker 1: self care helps you feel better about yourself. Oh absolutely,
Speaker 1: And when you feel better about you, when you feel
Speaker 1: better about yourself, you are more open to allowing me
Speaker 1: to indulge in You're feeling better. Actually, number three and
Speaker 1: number four kind of intercomingled because self care BA the
Speaker 1: benefits of self cack. But what I'm trying to point
Speaker 1: out is showing this is that when you're redefining marriage
Speaker 1: right as a husband, it is not I take care
Speaker 1: of the bills, I pay for this, I sit back
Speaker 1: and let her figure everything else out. As a husband,
Speaker 1: I still have to find ways to help out, other
Speaker 1: ways that can help push me from being number four
Speaker 1: to get because I'm going to be number four regardless.
Speaker 1: But if number four in the beginning of the day
Speaker 1: was only going to get an hour, but I decided
Speaker 1: that I'm going to create your business plan for your
Speaker 1: next shoot, there you go go. Now I got two hours.
Speaker 1: If I help with Jackson's distance learning and stuff. Oh,
Speaker 1: I get another two hours and thirty minutes if I know,
Speaker 1: pay for you, get some self care. Make sure that's done.
Speaker 1: Now you feel better. Those two hours and thirty minutes
Speaker 1: are more well spent than the stressed out our that
Speaker 1: we would have got. Also, being the woman that is
Speaker 1: part of the group of women that are like, okay,
Speaker 1: now I'm out here, like being able to pull my
Speaker 1: weight and contribute to the household and all that. I
Speaker 1: kind of feel like you can put yourself up right
Speaker 1: next to number one when it comes to me doing work,
Speaker 1: because that then helps bring money into the household, because
Speaker 1: it all goes to one pot ultimately. And I've said
Speaker 1: to you before sometimes when you feel like you're in
Speaker 1: this rat race trying to like, you know, take all
Speaker 1: the gigs and everything, sometimes I feel like I want
Speaker 1: you to be able to have self care moments, which
Speaker 1: you don't have often, and I want to be able
Speaker 1: to be that for you. So it's like, all right,
Speaker 1: if I'm now focusing on a project that can bring
Speaker 1: an X amount of dollars, then that might give you
Speaker 1: the opportunity to just say, you know what, all right, well, okay,
Speaker 1: got it this month, I can take a little you
Speaker 1: don't do it. I know you won't do it. I
Speaker 1: was trying to pose it that way, but you won't
Speaker 1: do it. If you if you could say to me,
Speaker 1: you know you want a fourth baby, you can carry
Speaker 1: this baby, and I could take on carrying the baby,
Speaker 1: then I'd say, fine, you could take on paying the
Speaker 1: bills for this month, but you can't do that. There's
Speaker 1: certain is that you have to do that I cannot do.
Speaker 1: So when it comes to paying the bills and making
Speaker 1: the money. This past year, you've made more money in
Speaker 1: this passage than you've ever made in your life. And
Speaker 1: my bill still paid all My money still paid all
Speaker 1: the bills. Because that is just what it is. Your money.
Speaker 1: You can do whatever you want to do with it.
Speaker 1: I don't. I really don't care. And another thing too,
Speaker 1: is I'm not the type of person that gives it
Speaker 1: about a bunch of materialistic things. So money for money
Speaker 1: to me is not to be all the ends all
Speaker 1: as long as I'd rather time and as long as
Speaker 1: I'm the guy that will go out to eat and
Speaker 1: I'll have on flip flops and socks and sweaters, and
Speaker 1: k will be decked out because these are the things
Speaker 1: that she likes to see is coming out of the
Speaker 1: closet together. I was like, I want to dress down too,
Speaker 1: But I mean nowadays I just feel like too, I
Speaker 1: want to be able to dress up and look nice.
Speaker 1: I love when you look good. My father also told
Speaker 1: me jewel my father gave me and my uncle Kevin
Speaker 1: if Kevin um the true value of a man is
Speaker 1: seeing through the smile on the woman on his arm.
Speaker 1: The both of them have said, and then for you
Speaker 1: and look at my mom. Like when I think about
Speaker 1: my mom, my father worked three jobs at one point, right,
Speaker 1: he drove a nineteen eighty nine Coogan. When we first
Speaker 1: moved to Canarsi, he brought my mom a red Corsica.
Speaker 1: She ran over a pothole, messed it up, brought my
Speaker 1: mom a Champagne brand new Honda Cord, got into accident
Speaker 1: on the inner borrow, messed it up, brought her an
Speaker 1: accurate legend, and in between those times brought me and
Speaker 1: Maxima and my brother Honda Cord. He still drove the
Speaker 1: nineteen Couger. That's just my father, That's just the way
Speaker 1: he is. That's the guy he is. My my mom
Speaker 1: always came first. My mom always had mink coats. My
Speaker 1: mom always had jewelry. My father wore the same shoes
Speaker 1: and took the train to work to make sure that
Speaker 1: he can make sure that we all had the things
Speaker 1: we had. I don't care what people say about the patriarchy,
Speaker 1: and we need to stop this. You are never going
Speaker 1: to be the provider in this family. That's just what
Speaker 1: I take honor and that honor that that's just what
Speaker 1: it is. So there are certain things that's just a
Speaker 1: deal breakup for me. I don't care if I got
Speaker 1: to work three before a job. I'm gonna do that.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, all Right, I mean, I hey,
Speaker 1: I appreciate that. I love you for that. It works
Speaker 1: for us because we're able to you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: We're able to give each other what we need. But
Speaker 1: you know, it's still continuously when life kicks in. And
Speaker 1: that's what I'm saying. I mean, the reason why I
Speaker 1: said that, I I can push devout up to like
Speaker 1: finance with you can kind of be in line with
Speaker 1: finances because by me also working, I can then know
Speaker 1: that you need to tap out at some points and
Speaker 1: be like develop You've been going NonStop for this amount
Speaker 1: of time. It's time for you to step back and
Speaker 1: take a break, and I'm going to help you do that.
Speaker 1: You know what I mean. Um, And it's it's just necessary.
Speaker 1: It's necessary when it comes to the teamwork involved. Now
Speaker 1: it is it is, it is necessary. And the thing is,
Speaker 1: you've gotten so much better with money now that I remember. Um, yes,
Speaker 1: this is funny. This is funny people. This is the
Speaker 1: reason about buying about you buying a bag, right, I
Speaker 1: was looking at this bag that I wanted to get. Yeah,
Speaker 1: now you've you've worked your tail off over the past
Speaker 1: three years to be able to make really good money,
Speaker 1: but you still when it comes time to purchase things,
Speaker 1: you have this uncomfortable relationship with holding on because we
Speaker 1: came from a place where we had lost everything. And
Speaker 1: it's like, I'm trying to get you out of that
Speaker 1: mindset of feeling like y'all see me with new drip.
Speaker 1: It's because that made me buy it, because I won't
Speaker 1: buy it for myself. And this and this is a thing.
Speaker 1: I'll say all these things about me not caring about
Speaker 1: material things because I don't want them. I don't. But
Speaker 1: when it comes to you, I don't mind you dressing
Speaker 1: nice and having nice things because I know that you
Speaker 1: like nice things and I want to be able to
Speaker 1: get those things. You know what I'm saying it is
Speaker 1: it's also an important part of marriage to like, I
Speaker 1: feel comfortable knowing that if I had to rely on
Speaker 1: my wife for finances that she there Oh, absolutely, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. Like, there's there's a comfort and
Speaker 1: knowing that I can go out there and bust my ask,
Speaker 1: knowing that if I felt ill, if if I got sick,
Speaker 1: if I couldn't provide the way I needed to provide,
Speaker 1: my wife got it. You know what I'm saying. I
Speaker 1: can't discredit that. And there's a value in millennial marriages
Speaker 1: marrying someone with earning potential, for sure, you know about
Speaker 1: because there's a there's a comfort now for women who
Speaker 1: want to go out there and be out there working
Speaker 1: and busting their tail and still coming home and being
Speaker 1: wife and and being mom Like there's a comfort in
Speaker 1: that because there's this tag team that's happening with millennial
Speaker 1: marriages where we're making it comfortable and we're making it
Speaker 1: okay to be able to live in your purpose, whatever
Speaker 1: that may be. If your career is your purpose, do
Speaker 1: you have a spouse that's someone here to support you
Speaker 1: through that purpose. And that's probably a part why the
Speaker 1: divorce rate is going down. There's an intentional, intentional decision
Speaker 1: that's going into finding a spouse A and B. When
Speaker 1: you do find that spouse, there's an intentional fire and
Speaker 1: effort put into trying to balance everything to make it
Speaker 1: possible to stick together. You you definitely touched on something
Speaker 1: that's talking about it being intentional. We are both intentional
Speaker 1: about marriage. Yes, that's fair to say. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. We aren't, but we're also intentional about the
Speaker 1: business of marriage. Two weeks ago you said something to me,
Speaker 1: we um, we created this is just a little a
Speaker 1: little bit bit about people looking to do things. We
Speaker 1: created an LLC in an escort. But we also have
Speaker 1: to take salaries for the LLC in the in the escort,
Speaker 1: so that you know, we pay taxes and things of
Speaker 1: that nature and put money away from the four oh
Speaker 1: one K. So we had to do all of this
Speaker 1: and K got her salary and she was like, oh good,
Speaker 1: So now I can put this money away for investments.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, wow, thirties six year Okay. The first
Speaker 1: thing you said was you can put this money away
Speaker 1: for investments. When we first met, you never talked about investment. No,
Speaker 1: I didn't know about it. I thought money, we're on trees.
Speaker 1: This is the crazy. But this is the crazy part
Speaker 1: though you had little did you know the money that
Speaker 1: funneled into the escort and the LLC was already funneled
Speaker 1: down into an investment account where taxes were taken out.
Speaker 1: Your four one K was taken out, and additional money
Speaker 1: for investments was already taken out. So the money that
Speaker 1: you got in that salary was just money for you
Speaker 1: to just do what you want to do. I have
Speaker 1: the same thing that's happening for me, But even in that,
Speaker 1: there's a comfort in me no one like Dank. I
Speaker 1: got a woman who's thinking long term for sure, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. One thing you definitely did was
Speaker 1: teaching me a lot about financing over the years, and
Speaker 1: like you said, it took moments of us having NAA
Speaker 1: to then recover from that. So listen, at this point,
Speaker 1: I feel like marriage, partnership, whatever y'all have going on
Speaker 1: is definitely it's like all hands on deck. It's all
Speaker 1: hands on deck. Who's better equipped in that moment do it?
Speaker 1: You know what I mean? And having a plan, having
Speaker 1: a plan, because the plan is sometimes not just the
Speaker 1: plan for the marriage, but the plan is then in
Speaker 1: corporating the plans for your careers and that that's also
Speaker 1: gonna play a part in the marriage and the effect
Speaker 1: it hasn't it your plan as parents that has an
Speaker 1: effect on it. There's so many different subcategories that then
Speaker 1: will affect the marriage part. So redefine that joint as
Speaker 1: many times as you need to and not curtailing it
Speaker 1: to anyone Else's that those are like major takeaway. Could
Speaker 1: you imagine if we weren't really willing to redefine our
Speaker 1: marriage when I first got cut and you had to
Speaker 1: go back to work in mac so that we could
Speaker 1: one have insurance because we were having a baby, but
Speaker 1: number to help pay the rent, right? Could you imagine
Speaker 1: if I was just like, no, I'm not letting you
Speaker 1: do that. I think about how hard we wouldn't have
Speaker 1: had no insurance. We wouldn't have had no insurance, And
Speaker 1: and because you were working, I was able to put
Speaker 1: money aside so that when things came out we could
Speaker 1: continue to grow the business. But could you imagine if
Speaker 1: we weren't willing to redefine that, if we were just
Speaker 1: stuck in our own traditional ways, or me personally would
Speaker 1: just duck and not saying all right, baby, or if
Speaker 1: I was like, well, my grandmother stay at home all
Speaker 1: day with the kids, So I'm like, what do you
Speaker 1: mean work? You know what I mean? You know, that's
Speaker 1: just what it is, and it's no knock on people
Speaker 1: who want to stay home and be the stay at
Speaker 1: home mom, or they stay at home to add like
Speaker 1: somebody had to be able to kids. And if it's not,
Speaker 1: if it's not you know, if it's if it's not you,
Speaker 1: you would have to go higher an inny and then
Speaker 1: you have to think about the expense of that, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. But it's just like, do what
Speaker 1: makes you happy to do it makes what works speak
Speaker 1: your relationship. Like some people are very happy being at home.
Speaker 1: So people are more happy feeling like they can go
Speaker 1: to work, they can work their hours, and then they
Speaker 1: come back home a happier person because they were able
Speaker 1: to have, you know, interaction with other people and they
Speaker 1: were able to be away from home for a little
Speaker 1: bit and then come back home and then you know,
Speaker 1: feel refreshed. So maybe boy, baby girl, do what works
Speaker 1: for you. Listen, we're gonna take a quick break, come back,
Speaker 1: listen to some Listen to letters because I know that's
Speaker 1: your favorite. Paul can getting some piece of business. Well,
Speaker 1: first we got to pay some bills so that we
Speaker 1: can continue to day. I had to check out these
Speaker 1: ads and we'll be right back after this. All right, guys,
Speaker 1: we're back now, how to go pay some bills? I
Speaker 1: love all the haikus and the sonnets that we have
Speaker 1: coming in here. And do you see this? This is
Speaker 1: this is a big listen. This is a long one.
Speaker 1: It's two of them, but they're still pretty. They're pretty hefty.
Speaker 1: All right, I'll take the first. Okay, Hey, first off,
Speaker 1: I love what you two are doing and I admire it.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. We love you and we appreciate you.
Speaker 1: I'm coming from the great city of Memphis, Tennessee, Tennessee.
Speaker 1: I grew up Morristown, Tennessee. Every song Memphis, isn't that
Speaker 1: where we went for St? Jude? And I've been listening
Speaker 1: for going on two years now. Now, my question I
Speaker 1: wanted to know, Am I being difficult or is there
Speaker 1: some reason too? Or is there some reason to my madness?
Speaker 1: My girlfriend and I have been together for two years.
Speaker 1: We recently celebrated our second anniversary. Right, I'm thirty two
Speaker 1: and she is thirty one. She has one daughter, twelve
Speaker 1: from a previous relationship, and I have a son, three
Speaker 1: from a previous relationship. We always talk about marriage, which
Speaker 1: is definitely in the works, and we already lived together.
Speaker 1: We all love each other. We all love each other,
Speaker 1: our kids get along, and we love each other's kids
Speaker 1: as our own. This somewhat issue comes to play when
Speaker 1: she talks about having a child together. I feel that
Speaker 1: we are good. We got the best of both worlds.
Speaker 1: My girlfriend, on the other hand, has moments of baby fever.
Speaker 1: Pretty much. What's holding me back is um is number
Speaker 1: one naming the child and number two. We have two
Speaker 1: different ways of parenting. I focus on the naming part.
Speaker 1: Her family has a tradition of newborn child taking the
Speaker 1: grandparents first name as a middle as a middle name.
Speaker 1: This I know. This is hilarious to me. Boys would
Speaker 1: take the grandfathers and the girls would take the grandmother's.
Speaker 1: I specifically did not make my son to Jr. Because
Speaker 1: I feel that the child should have an name unique
Speaker 1: to them. This sounds like us. Is it not sounds
Speaker 1: like us? Uh like Junior? Because I feel that the
Speaker 1: child should have a name unique to them so they
Speaker 1: can make their own name in this world. Then I'm
Speaker 1: not the biggest fan of her father. Not to get
Speaker 1: to in depth, but he reminds me of my father
Speaker 1: and my father and my father has ten kids he's
Speaker 1: a good dad to her and her siblings, but he
Speaker 1: has a few traits that give me cause to not
Speaker 1: name my son if I had a boy after him. Okay,
Speaker 1: for me, it's a complete no go. For her, she
Speaker 1: likes the tradition. We are at an impast even though
Speaker 1: it would be later down the mind. What are your thoughts? Okay?
Speaker 1: So she has baby faces we were liked about. Okay.
Speaker 1: So I love tradition, but I do feel like when
Speaker 1: you meet someone and then you create your own family,
Speaker 1: that you can then take on your own traditions. So
Speaker 1: I'm an advocate because I don't care for the junior situation.
Speaker 1: I am an advocate for creating your own tradition. And
Speaker 1: at that point saying, you know what, babe, I understand
Speaker 1: that this is your family's tradition. However, is this something
Speaker 1: somewhere we can compromise on this, because is it pretty
Speaker 1: much that is it that the grandparents the child takes
Speaker 1: the middle name will be the grandparents name. It don't
Speaker 1: matter to me what name he talking about. This was
Speaker 1: this was the topic of contention for me and Codeine
Speaker 1: because I wanted to name kaz Devot and Codeine didn't
Speaker 1: want to name him Devot. And I was pissed because
Speaker 1: I'm like, yo, like we had a dead point. We
Speaker 1: had two kids. We had two kids at that point,
Speaker 1: and I named Jackson and we collectively named Cairo. But
Speaker 1: we agreed on those names. And I'm like, if it's
Speaker 1: a boy, I wanted his name to be Devout. I'm like,
Speaker 1: this was going to be our last child. I have
Speaker 1: no namesakes. And she was just like, I don't want
Speaker 1: people gonna call him junior. They don't call him, but
Speaker 1: in my family junor where's Junia? Where a Junior? This
Speaker 1: is all I could hear is my my family. And
Speaker 1: I'm like, so I can't name my son after me
Speaker 1: because is what your family goes. I was just done. No,
Speaker 1: it wasn't just because of the way they would call him,
Speaker 1: but I also to just believe the same thing. I
Speaker 1: feel like kids should have their own names and their
Speaker 1: own their own identities. And and I was not opposed
Speaker 1: to cats being cats devout, you know, And um, he
Speaker 1: was Cass Devout for a couple of hours of his
Speaker 1: life and then we changed it after the fact. But
Speaker 1: I mean, you had your moment, bro, you did you?
Speaker 1: This is what I'll tell y'all, I would not have
Speaker 1: kids because of the name. I would I would not
Speaker 1: not have kids. I would not not have kids because
Speaker 1: we can't agree on the name. Clearly you both loved
Speaker 1: being parents. Um. I wish he would have spoken more
Speaker 1: about what the different ing with different thing parents styles are. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that team might would might be more of the thing
Speaker 1: that seems to be more of a pressing topic. But
Speaker 1: the name, y'allo, get over the name. Once the baby
Speaker 1: gets here, y'all name the baby. And if it's the
Speaker 1: middle name, A lot of people don't even really use
Speaker 1: their middle name on a day to day basis either.
Speaker 1: You know, so freaking your mother was pissed that I
Speaker 1: named Kiro Shakoor and I had to put my footnown.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you something sometimes, dude, you gotta put
Speaker 1: your foot down and be like anybody shut up? Right?
Speaker 1: We named more or less? That's what says. Oh, we
Speaker 1: named Cayro. I was like, I like Kiro Shor. He
Speaker 1: was born on September thirteen. Tupac is one of the
Speaker 1: people that I admire so much as an artist, and
Speaker 1: I was like, you know, September thirteen, two thousand seven,
Speaker 1: was when he died. I was like, this was the
Speaker 1: twentieth anniversary of when he was born. So I'm like, yo,
Speaker 1: we're gonna name him Kiro Shakor. And your mother was
Speaker 1: just like char people are going to think he's like
Speaker 1: gangster to fuck. I was like, what what are you
Speaker 1: talking about? My mom was all whild and she was like,
Speaker 1: his name is going to be associated with violence and guns.
Speaker 1: And I was like, mom, I was like, what do
Speaker 1: you even know who to back is? I said, she
Speaker 1: don't know anybody passed Barrass Hammond and Bob Martin have feet.
Speaker 1: It's okay, We'll be all right, I mean, And to
Speaker 1: be honest, I wasn't crazy about Shakoor, just because I
Speaker 1: wasn't crazy about the name Skor. But then when I
Speaker 1: figured out that the meaning behind the name and then
Speaker 1: how it flowed with Cairo and everything, it was just
Speaker 1: I'll put my foot down, y'all. Yeah, and long story short,
Speaker 1: and I was just like, I like another name for
Speaker 1: the middle. But I was like all right, well. And
Speaker 1: then also to that's another picking battle situation, like he
Speaker 1: felt strongly about that. I was on the fence. So
Speaker 1: it's like a bro, We're gonna rock with you because
Speaker 1: you feel strongly about it. If I'm gonna fight about that, like,
Speaker 1: I ain't have no better suggestions. I mean I did
Speaker 1: have a name that I liked, but I was like, whatever,
Speaker 1: like I would name you. Um, what was the name
Speaker 1: I had for Cairo? I think it was Jamison. I'd
Speaker 1: like Caro Jamison and you were like, you'ld have been
Speaker 1: an alcoholic. But no, don't put that on my baby.
Speaker 1: I rebuked that in the name of James. But your
Speaker 1: mother your issue with everything. She would have been the
Speaker 1: one to like Jamison like Liqua Lia. She totally would have.
Speaker 1: And don't be making my mom sild You've been making
Speaker 1: my mom so crazy. I mean you're not far off,
Speaker 1: but she'd be sounding crazy. So yeah, bro, I mean,
Speaker 1: thanks for writing and appreciate it. And I say, you know,
Speaker 1: traditions they made to have their own twists. So like me,
Speaker 1: I put my Christmas tree up October first to see it.
Speaker 1: What I don't care about this, this tradition that is Christmas.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna put my tree up when I feel like
Speaker 1: putting my tree up, and then what about it? And
Speaker 1: then talk and then what And then my husband was like,
Speaker 1: we're putting a tree up I'm a rock with you
Speaker 1: because you feel strongly about this tree going up on
Speaker 1: October first. Facts, bro, just call me Shook Knight, got
Speaker 1: your back, all right? All to a second second listener letter.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to use my name because sometimes my
Speaker 1: wife listens to your podcasts. All right, anonymous, So I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna say I'm Geehig. I've been married and we
Speaker 1: have two from guys today. This is nice. I've been
Speaker 1: married for seven years and together with my wife for eight.
Speaker 1: We've been through so much in our marriage, from evictions,
Speaker 1: my parents giving my wife verbal and emotional abuse because
Speaker 1: they don't like her. Because they don't like her. That's
Speaker 1: not funny, um, but it's just the way people phrase
Speaker 1: these things sometimes, unemployment, her having COVID nineteen and like everything,
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, and still rolling. Wow. I hope she's better.
Speaker 1: Back in February, she said she wanted to separate because
Speaker 1: life is too much right now and marriage shouldn't be
Speaker 1: this hard. We just moved into an apartment together because
Speaker 1: I thought we were trying to work it out, but
Speaker 1: apparently she's just saving her money to leave. I say,
Speaker 1: let's try one more time, don't quit, But she says
Speaker 1: she's tired of trying. Recently, she even started talking to
Speaker 1: her ex after not talking to him for eight years.
Speaker 1: She swears that they're just friends, but man, come on, really,
Speaker 1: I want to keep trying, but she keeps saying why
Speaker 1: I'm thirty and she's thirty one and we have a
Speaker 1: six year old son. Do I try or give up? Oh? Bro?
Speaker 1: The first thing I'll say is, this has been a
Speaker 1: tough year for a lot of people. People, Um, it's
Speaker 1: marriage is going to be tough. I'm going to say that, right,
Speaker 1: But marriage is also a lot of fun. But what
Speaker 1: I will say this is these past eight months because
Speaker 1: of COVID has been extremely tough. And all I want
Speaker 1: to say is is this is an anomaly. You know,
Speaker 1: like we're not going to be going through a pandemic,
Speaker 1: and like, like we're going through a pandemic, This is
Speaker 1: not something that's going to be the new normal. You
Speaker 1: can't base your relationship, or your family, or your love
Speaker 1: life on what's happened in the last eight months. So
Speaker 1: if you're gonna make a decision moving forward, don't let
Speaker 1: these past eight months be a litmus test. Now, the
Speaker 1: one thing he did say that was kind of concerning
Speaker 1: what he said. She asked for a separation in February,
Speaker 1: which you means that was before them, So she asked
Speaker 1: for a separation, and then the pandemic kids have made
Speaker 1: it worse, and which means it was issues before. And
Speaker 1: I can tell you exactly what the issue is if
Speaker 1: your parents were verbally and physically abusive to your wife,
Speaker 1: verbally and emotionally abusive to your wife. Bro, you dropped
Speaker 1: the ball because Codeina. And if there's one thing that
Speaker 1: Codeine and I say when we have issues within our family,
Speaker 1: you know you you're my wife, like they want to
Speaker 1: check that, She'll say, like you're my husband. She got
Speaker 1: to come first. I know that's your parents, but you
Speaker 1: can't let anybody emotionally overably abuse your wife. That's just
Speaker 1: a no go. That's a no go. Bro. I don't
Speaker 1: know how long it went on, but I don't care.
Speaker 1: If they don't like your wife, that's part probably the
Speaker 1: reason why she feels like, you know, this has to
Speaker 1: be over not getting support from him and also to
Speaker 1: getting he should have been together for for eight years,
Speaker 1: married seven and that's quite a bit of a long time.
Speaker 1: You guys have a lot of history and like he said,
Speaker 1: evictions and so many different things that they've been through together. Um.
Speaker 1: The concerning part for me though, is like her talking
Speaker 1: to her X after eight years, like is this the
Speaker 1: X that you know? Sometimes people said there's the one
Speaker 1: that got away or the one that you just are
Speaker 1: There's like a one a lingering wonder of like what
Speaker 1: would have happened if we were together? I'm wondering if
Speaker 1: something like that has happened with her in this X,
Speaker 1: and if there's like some sort of rekindling happening, or
Speaker 1: if there's something going on where you know, he may
Speaker 1: be that shoulder to cry on because she's going through
Speaker 1: something right now. Well let's do I wonder if that
Speaker 1: impacts they've been together the eight years got married. They've
Speaker 1: been married for seven which means they've only known each
Speaker 1: other for a year and then got married. Maybe they
Speaker 1: got married for that year. I thought marriage were going
Speaker 1: to be something that it wasn't and they've been working
Speaker 1: on it. And then they have a six year old,
Speaker 1: So think about it, and they and he's thirty and
Speaker 1: she's thirty one. You see what I'm saying. So seven years,
Speaker 1: eight years, that's early tree, somebody you're together four years, four,
Speaker 1: you get married, you have a baby at five because
Speaker 1: the baby six. So now all of these life changes
Speaker 1: happened in the first four or five years of their marriage, right,
Speaker 1: And we're talking about this the twenties. We just thought
Speaker 1: about how the twenties are a crazy time for us.
Speaker 1: They didn't really know each other, and they probably changed.
Speaker 1: They changed. It seemed like they changed. It really does
Speaker 1: seem like they change. And I'm just gonna I'm gonna
Speaker 1: throw in some contexts. This may not be the case.
Speaker 1: But if y'all knew each other, got married, had a baby,
Speaker 1: your parents, especially that early, your parents probably didn't like
Speaker 1: her because your parents probably foresaw something between y'all that
Speaker 1: was moving too fast. That doesn't give them the right
Speaker 1: to disrespect her because you chose her as your wife,
Speaker 1: but they probably saw something that you couldn't see because
Speaker 1: they're your parents, right. Yeah, Usually parents see the writing
Speaker 1: on the wall before you do. So kind of like
Speaker 1: with your mom. Mom and your mom, Yeah, both were
Speaker 1: just kind of like you guys just need to be individuals.
Speaker 1: You know, you're make fun of them, but your mother
Speaker 1: be knowing as much as I make fun of me me,
Speaker 1: and you know, I love you Meemi, your mother be
Speaker 1: knowing and my mother as much as I make fun
Speaker 1: of her in the type face, and she'd be like, un,
Speaker 1: slow down the wedding, you know what's going on. They'd
Speaker 1: be knowing. Yeah, maybe he just needs to reevaluate, you know,
Speaker 1: if if this is what he wants to do, because um,
Speaker 1: they're still young. I mean the first five years of
Speaker 1: our marriage was the first five years, but we also
Speaker 1: had we were eight years prior to that, and also too,
Speaker 1: we were like die hard invested in making it work too,
Speaker 1: you know. And if she seemed that she kind of
Speaker 1: clocked out for whatever the reasons, maybe it could be
Speaker 1: one thing, it could be a compilation of things. I
Speaker 1: think it's worth having a very open, open and candid
Speaker 1: conversation with her bro and just seeing like, yo, this
Speaker 1: is where things are. I understand that in our twenties
Speaker 1: it was rough. We had a lot of different things happening. Um,
Speaker 1: you know, if you were willing to put the work
Speaker 1: in to move forward, you know, see if she's willing
Speaker 1: to meet you there, and if not, respect her space,
Speaker 1: move on and build build a happy life with you
Speaker 1: and your son as possible and be able to be
Speaker 1: co parents that can be amicable at least in agreeing
Speaker 1: on how you're going to raise your son. So because
Speaker 1: working things out just for the sake of the child
Speaker 1: typically does not work out exactly. You know, the kids know,
Speaker 1: the kids know they So good luck to you broh. Yeah,
Speaker 1: both of our guys that wrote in today, thank you
Speaker 1: guys so much. I love when I hear that guys
Speaker 1: are listening as well. I hope you'll listened to the
Speaker 1: girls so too, because they were fun. It was fun,
Speaker 1: We were funny. That was a good That was a
Speaker 1: good group. Alright, guys, Um, so, if you want to
Speaker 1: be featured as one of our listener letters, you know
Speaker 1: the deal, go ahead and email us as advice at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. That's d E A D A d
Speaker 1: v I se you always missed this, always missed the
Speaker 1: never missed the eyes. You know what may come on?
Speaker 1: Let me trying it again. That's d E A D
Speaker 1: A S S A d v I c E at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. All right, So a moment of truth
Speaker 1: when it comes to redefining marriage and all that stuff,
Speaker 1: I think my biggest one is not being afraid to
Speaker 1: redefine what marriage looks for, like for us. I think
Speaker 1: sometimes my problem is that I get into this routine
Speaker 1: of wanting things to be a certain kind of way,
Speaker 1: and I have it that way in my mind, and
Speaker 1: then it never pans out to be what it is.
Speaker 1: So being realistic and what my goals are on a
Speaker 1: day to day basis and real sessing what this total
Speaker 1: pole looks like for me um is very important. And
Speaker 1: realizing that I have to make a conscious effort to
Speaker 1: also make sure that you feel the love that I
Speaker 1: have for you all the time. I don't need it
Speaker 1: to be no deficits, and honestly, I need to make
Speaker 1: sure that I'm aware of where those those priorities are lying.
Speaker 1: And that's something I've been working on because I feel
Speaker 1: like we've been in a good space for you, so
Speaker 1: I've been like to keep it. Yes, I've been very deliberate,
Speaker 1: that's the word. I like that word. I've been very
Speaker 1: deliberate with where I'm placing my time lately and knowing
Speaker 1: that some things are going to have to wait and
Speaker 1: where I used to be like, you know what, damn,
Speaker 1: work can't wait because it's worked. No, Sometimes my sanity
Speaker 1: is priceless, my husband's sanity and our time together as priceless.
Speaker 1: So that's how I'm redefining my ship. Um, my moment
Speaker 1: of truth is I want to speak particularly to guys
Speaker 1: who grew up in an old school type of marriage. Um,
Speaker 1: being an alpha male and trying your hardest to be
Speaker 1: a provider doesn't mean that you control your wife. It
Speaker 1: means that you control everything around her so that she
Speaker 1: can make choices to help herself and help you be
Speaker 1: the better version of yourself. That you can be like
Speaker 1: that controlling everything around her, she can be what she
Speaker 1: needs to be. That really then to me, that really
Speaker 1: that really shows your ability as an alpha my wife,
Speaker 1: like I got, I got everything around my wife, and
Speaker 1: my wife feels comfortable moving around. I'm controlling all of
Speaker 1: that as opposed to trying to control her. I control
Speaker 1: everything around her so she can move freely. Because if
Speaker 1: she can move freely and she can do the things
Speaker 1: she want, ultimately that loves you go and come back
Speaker 1: to you. And that's been working. That's why I think,
Speaker 1: and that's how that's how in turn, as women can
Speaker 1: just be happier with the spaces that we're in knowing
Speaker 1: that we do have the autonomy over our lives to
Speaker 1: be able to do a little bit of this and
Speaker 1: do a little bit of that, and do it well
Speaker 1: to make ourselves happy, and in turn, that happy just
Speaker 1: spills all over. And I'll say this when you when
Speaker 1: you create the space around your wife, your wife will
Speaker 1: spoil you. My wife spoils me. Now that I found
Speaker 1: I found that that nice area to where I help
Speaker 1: it would do a little this thing there and that
Speaker 1: a little thing that she spoils me. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, Like the things that happened, and I'd be like, oh,
Speaker 1: it was nice, you know. Plus it's just it's just
Speaker 1: it's part of being absolutely that, as the saying goes,
Speaker 1: I take your of you, you take care of us
Speaker 1: absolutely a list be sure to find us on social media.
Speaker 1: That's dead Ass the podcast and of course you know
Speaker 1: where to find me Cadine I am and I am devout.
Speaker 1: And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate,
Speaker 1: review and subscribe. Yes, sir, thank you all for listening.
Speaker 1: Love y'all. Dead As dead Ass is a production of
Speaker 1: I Heart Media podcast Network, and it is produced by
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