1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:05,000 Speaker 1: Throughout everything you know about marriage, because if you tailor 2 00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:08,560 Speaker 1: make your marriage to someone else's expectations, you are destined 3 00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:13,680 Speaker 1: to fail. Dead ass, and I'm slowly realizing that within 4 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:16,520 Speaker 1: my own marriage, I have to kind of redefine what 5 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:20,159 Speaker 1: it is for us, and it's an ongoing process. I 6 00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:28,160 Speaker 1: don't think we're ever really done. Hey, I'm Cadine and 7 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:32,440 Speaker 1: we're the ellis Is. You may know us from posting 8 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:36,440 Speaker 1: funny videos without boys and reading each other publicly as 9 00:00:36,479 --> 00:00:39,360 Speaker 1: a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy 10 00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:43,120 Speaker 1: most days. Wow. And one more important thing to mention, 11 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:47,120 Speaker 1: we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open 12 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:50,520 Speaker 1: dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most 13 00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:52,960 Speaker 1: folks don't want to talk about through the lens of 14 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:55,320 Speaker 1: a millennial married couple. Dead ass is the term that 15 00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:57,600 Speaker 1: we say every day. So when we say dead ass, 16 00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:02,240 Speaker 1: we're actually saying facts on the truth, the whole truth, 17 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:04,920 Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. Were about to take Phillows 18 00:01:04,959 --> 00:01:10,479 Speaker 1: off to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now. 19 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,959 Speaker 1: All right, story time, this story time, I'm gonna take 20 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,960 Speaker 1: y'all way way back, how far back? Because I don't 21 00:01:25,959 --> 00:01:29,640 Speaker 1: be giving away my agent ship to September Canarsi to 22 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:41,640 Speaker 1: Flaws September ninety It's crazy September. Eight year old Devout 23 00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:46,640 Speaker 1: Ellis just got out of PS two seventy. Yes, my 24 00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:50,840 Speaker 1: big ears had to go get my six year old brother, 25 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:54,320 Speaker 1: Brian Ellis from his class and walk home. We had 26 00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:57,600 Speaker 1: just moved to Canarsi from Flatbush flat Bush bullet bullet, 27 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:01,240 Speaker 1: So I had to get my brother from pr to 28 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:03,640 Speaker 1: seventy nine and we had to walk home. It's my 29 00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:06,680 Speaker 1: first time ever walking home. I'm eight, he's six, and 30 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:09,600 Speaker 1: our neighbor at the time, who was eight, was supposed 31 00:02:09,639 --> 00:02:12,160 Speaker 1: to meet me and we were supposed to be home 32 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:13,760 Speaker 1: at a certain time. So I can call my parents 33 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:17,040 Speaker 1: and let them know that I got home at the time. 34 00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:19,560 Speaker 1: My neighbor got out first day of school. He's plays eight. 35 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:22,000 Speaker 1: He's playing. Completely forgot that he was supposed to meet 36 00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:25,040 Speaker 1: us to go walk home and was playing somewhere. I 37 00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:30,320 Speaker 1: didn't know where he was, so I started walking, start walking, walking, 38 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:34,120 Speaker 1: walking walking. I end up on flat Lands Avenue. Flat 39 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:36,960 Speaker 1: Lands Avenue is a four lane street. The trucks. It's 40 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,880 Speaker 1: a little bit more of a commercial street. It's busy. 41 00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:43,600 Speaker 1: I see buildings I'm walking and walking. I walked past 42 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:47,000 Speaker 1: Brookline Projects and I'm starting to realize that I'm nowhere 43 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:50,600 Speaker 1: near where I'm supposed to be. I got my six 44 00:02:50,639 --> 00:02:53,160 Speaker 1: year old brother in my hand, This truck's passing by, 45 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:56,800 Speaker 1: this kids, high school kids running by, and I'm nervous 46 00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:59,000 Speaker 1: and I'm scared, and I'm saying to myself, dang, I 47 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:02,400 Speaker 1: don't I don't know how to get home. So you 48 00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:06,600 Speaker 1: didn't put out your cell phone and have no cell 49 00:03:06,639 --> 00:03:11,600 Speaker 1: phones at eight like these kids do nowadays. So I 50 00:03:11,639 --> 00:03:13,480 Speaker 1: turned the left, I started walking down and start walking 51 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:17,720 Speaker 1: down and one of my classmates parents. I saw my classmate, 52 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,520 Speaker 1: Brandon Granary, and I saw his mom. They were in 53 00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:22,760 Speaker 1: the car, and I was like, hey, can you tell 54 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:25,360 Speaker 1: me how to get back to you know? And she 55 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:27,079 Speaker 1: was like, she will hop in. So I get in 56 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:29,920 Speaker 1: the car with Brandon and his mom and they drop 57 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:32,480 Speaker 1: us off at home and we finally made it home. 58 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:36,800 Speaker 1: And in that moment, I had decided like being scared 59 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:39,080 Speaker 1: like that and holding my brother's hand, and I remember 60 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:41,320 Speaker 1: my brother looking at me on flat Lands Avenue. He 61 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:43,000 Speaker 1: looked up at me and said, we lost, aren't we? 62 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:45,360 Speaker 1: And I had to say at that point, now, we're 63 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:49,040 Speaker 1: not lost. We're not lost. I remember that that moment saying, 64 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,960 Speaker 1: when I get married and I have kids, I don't 65 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,640 Speaker 1: want my wife to work because someone got to be 66 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:57,080 Speaker 1: home to take care of my kids. So I'm about 67 00:03:57,080 --> 00:04:00,400 Speaker 1: to bless you all with some karaoke vocals were talking 68 00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:04,280 Speaker 1: about like holy matrimony like we normally do. It's just 69 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:08,880 Speaker 1: like we don't know married. So I'm I can I 70 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:14,840 Speaker 1: can help you out with it. Right, are you ready? Baby? Ready? Me? Me? Me, 71 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:21,440 Speaker 1: me me. If there's a question the mother you got it, 72 00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:27,120 Speaker 1: don't along any one, but you push in my heart 73 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:34,080 Speaker 1: now and then this question mother you got baby, don't worry. 74 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:40,960 Speaker 1: I plan for you. Baby. Yeah, I've been making plays 75 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:46,680 Speaker 1: thinking place baby. Yeah, that's my song. I love that song. 76 00:04:46,839 --> 00:04:50,640 Speaker 1: When I first came out, you were like a pathetic 77 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,520 Speaker 1: never been to a Wait. When I heard that, I 78 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,440 Speaker 1: was like, who's never been to a wedding before? But 79 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:57,920 Speaker 1: there are actually people who like they've never been to 80 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,440 Speaker 1: weddings before, and you want to to have a whole 81 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,600 Speaker 1: another wedding. When that song came out, I did, was it? Well? 82 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:05,400 Speaker 1: Yd did that come out? I forget it might have been. 83 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,400 Speaker 1: I want to get married every year? Why not did 84 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:09,000 Speaker 1: you have weddings every year? I don't want to go 85 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:13,200 Speaker 1: broke every year. All right, So today we are talking 86 00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:18,039 Speaker 1: about redefining marriage, you know, and I said in my 87 00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:21,520 Speaker 1: SoundBite that I did not know that. Well, there's a 88 00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:23,520 Speaker 1: lot that I didn't know about marriage that I have 89 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:27,960 Speaker 1: admitted and I've spoken about very openly on this podcast. However, 90 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,040 Speaker 1: when we did kind of grasp the concept of marriage 91 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:34,560 Speaker 1: in general, Deval and I I didn't realize that we 92 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:37,960 Speaker 1: would constantly, at different points in our marriage have to 93 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:44,160 Speaker 1: then restructure, chop and screw, pick out some things throughout others, 94 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:47,760 Speaker 1: and then refocus on what we wanted our marriage to 95 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:50,400 Speaker 1: look like, what being married to each other was going 96 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:53,800 Speaker 1: to entail on a day to day basis um. And 97 00:05:53,839 --> 00:05:56,160 Speaker 1: where we are today, I mean, we've talked about our 98 00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:58,840 Speaker 1: relationship over the past eighteen years. We've talked about being 99 00:05:58,839 --> 00:06:01,800 Speaker 1: married for ten and then also to approaching what was 100 00:06:01,839 --> 00:06:04,599 Speaker 1: supposed to be our viournal, which is kind of like, Okay, 101 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,760 Speaker 1: now that we kind of have a little bit of 102 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,719 Speaker 1: this downpat and we kind of understand where we are 103 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:10,760 Speaker 1: and when it comes to marriage, we also learned that 104 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,840 Speaker 1: we're still like daily learning more things about each other, 105 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,159 Speaker 1: like how much more can you learn about somebody after 106 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,560 Speaker 1: knowing them for eighteen years when you think you know everything. 107 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:22,960 Speaker 1: Also to working through and evolving through changes that happened individually, 108 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,920 Speaker 1: and changes that happened when you put kids into the 109 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:29,360 Speaker 1: picture and careers and all that. Um My most recent 110 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,240 Speaker 1: thing is adjusting to Devour. The actor who is now 111 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:36,000 Speaker 1: um working full time pretty much has been in and 112 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:39,320 Speaker 1: out of Atlanta since July. Safe to say now that 113 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:41,360 Speaker 1: everything is back up and running for the most part. 114 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:45,040 Speaker 1: Lots of COVID protocols are in place, so productions are happening, 115 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:48,040 Speaker 1: which we're thankful for. Like we can never really um 116 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:50,920 Speaker 1: be upset about that, but you know, just little things 117 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:52,640 Speaker 1: like I have a little mini story time after the 118 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:55,400 Speaker 1: story time about me being home holding down the fort 119 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,120 Speaker 1: with Mimi and the boys and everything and Devours you know, 120 00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:01,159 Speaker 1: in Atlanta, And he has days where he's completely off 121 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:02,839 Speaker 1: with nothing to do, and then he has other days 122 00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:05,920 Speaker 1: where he's on set all day. And this one particular day, 123 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:07,760 Speaker 1: I had taken the boys out for a little bit. 124 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,039 Speaker 1: It was a nice day. I said, let's get some 125 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:11,160 Speaker 1: fresh air. Took him out, you know, took him to 126 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,000 Speaker 1: this little pond. We got to see some fish, and 127 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:15,640 Speaker 1: Turtle came back home, sent devout pictures like hey, babe, 128 00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:18,600 Speaker 1: you know, sorry you're not here for this, but here's 129 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:21,000 Speaker 1: what we're doing. And um, because I always want to 130 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:22,480 Speaker 1: make him feel like he's a part of things even 131 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:25,000 Speaker 1: though he's not here physically. And then I got home, 132 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,520 Speaker 1: it's like, all right, baby, I'm gonna get the boys 133 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:28,160 Speaker 1: together dinner, this, that in the third, and then I 134 00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:30,520 Speaker 1: went to call him. There's a time difference clearly with 135 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:32,800 Speaker 1: the East and the West coast time, and it was 136 00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:34,840 Speaker 1: like almost one o'clock his time, but it was like 137 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,080 Speaker 1: almost ten o'clock my time. But that's when I got 138 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,200 Speaker 1: the boys situated for bed, this, that and the third, 139 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:42,000 Speaker 1: and your boy was mad, like your boy had a 140 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:44,280 Speaker 1: whole attitude, like you ain't called me back. He says, 141 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,880 Speaker 1: you's gonna FaceTime me, And I'm here aboy myself, and 142 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:50,480 Speaker 1: I'm thinking to myself, are you picking a fight? Oh? 143 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:52,320 Speaker 1: Did you not understand that this was the life that 144 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:54,120 Speaker 1: you signed up for, that your chances are when you're 145 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:55,760 Speaker 1: feeling you're gonna have to be away from your family 146 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,840 Speaker 1: at some points. Um, And we're doing the best that 147 00:07:57,880 --> 00:07:59,560 Speaker 1: we came over here. The whole ship down for you 148 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:02,080 Speaker 1: while you can have a clear mind and act, and 149 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:04,600 Speaker 1: you could act in peace. But it was just funny 150 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,280 Speaker 1: because I laughed at myself and I'm like, look at 151 00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:09,160 Speaker 1: I'm married to this big baby. It just misses his 152 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,360 Speaker 1: family and he's done with tantrum because I ain't face 153 00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:14,000 Speaker 1: time him back. It's not funny. This is this is 154 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:19,120 Speaker 1: where we still have disconnects. Codinos say, Devout called me 155 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:20,880 Speaker 1: back when you get done. You know what de Voo does, 156 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:24,200 Speaker 1: call her back when I get done. Devo say, Cadine 157 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:26,680 Speaker 1: called me back when you get done. Five hours will 158 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:29,280 Speaker 1: go by and she'll be like, oh, well, I got 159 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:33,120 Speaker 1: busy doing other things. You didn't have five minutes. You 160 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:36,240 Speaker 1: didn't have you didn't have five minutes. The question you 161 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:38,160 Speaker 1: do this all the time? Did you do this all 162 00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:40,040 Speaker 1: the time? Did you have five minutes to face on 163 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:41,640 Speaker 1: me back and say, hey baby, I'm stuck doing stuff. 164 00:08:41,679 --> 00:08:43,800 Speaker 1: Can I just call you later? I probably could have Okay, 165 00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:46,319 Speaker 1: but you probably and I'll be getting caught up in 166 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:50,320 Speaker 1: the doing stuff with the kids at that point. If 167 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:51,920 Speaker 1: you were worried, you could have been like, damn, it's 168 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:53,640 Speaker 1: been like two or three hours. I ain't here from codeine. 169 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:57,120 Speaker 1: What if I was hemmed up somewhere with the kids. 170 00:08:56,360 --> 00:09:00,520 Speaker 1: That's my point. And then this is always it goes 171 00:09:00,559 --> 00:09:02,400 Speaker 1: back to the same thing with you calling me when 172 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:06,360 Speaker 1: you get places. You do not do what you say 173 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,760 Speaker 1: you're gonna do. I don't do it consistently enough. But 174 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,560 Speaker 1: the way can people been disappearing. I have to make 175 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:12,559 Speaker 1: sure I do that now and then then to me. 176 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:15,800 Speaker 1: That's why it's inconsiderate because if something bothers me, you'll 177 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:19,600 Speaker 1: call me a baby. But I'm supposed to adhere to 178 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:22,080 Speaker 1: all of your emotions and trust and and and be 179 00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:26,880 Speaker 1: be willing to deal with everything that you go through physically, 180 00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:31,160 Speaker 1: mentally and emotionally. I have to be understanding. I have 181 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,760 Speaker 1: something all the time. But if I'm going through something, 182 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,800 Speaker 1: Oh he's a baby, that's not fair. That's not fair. 183 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:39,680 Speaker 1: Did you did you just shake your finger? I shook 184 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:42,560 Speaker 1: my fingers, shook my finger. We don't have video for 185 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:45,240 Speaker 1: this episode today, but it's okay. De Val shook his 186 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:49,000 Speaker 1: finger at me, y'all because he was trying to pick 187 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,560 Speaker 1: a fight, because he knew that when he saw me 188 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:51,920 Speaker 1: it was gonna be on and popping, and he was 189 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:53,400 Speaker 1: gonna have to make up for him being in a 190 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:56,040 Speaker 1: bad mood. It's fine, you can pick fights about your way. 191 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:57,560 Speaker 1: I know you, I know how you move right now. 192 00:09:58,000 --> 00:09:59,920 Speaker 1: God's wives O listen. But that's how I be learning. 193 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:02,640 Speaker 1: I've been learning stuff in this marriage as we evolve. 194 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:07,319 Speaker 1: Wives don't listen. They just make up whatever they want 195 00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:09,560 Speaker 1: to make up, just saying I'm over here trying to 196 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:13,320 Speaker 1: be Could you imagine hold on? Could you imagine me 197 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:16,400 Speaker 1: be in a way by myself, about to leave set, 198 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:19,439 Speaker 1: and me saying, yeah, I'm gonna call you when I 199 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:21,920 Speaker 1: get home, and in five hours go by and I 200 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:25,480 Speaker 1: don't call you. You would be pissed. And then on 201 00:10:25,559 --> 00:10:27,280 Speaker 1: top of that, you would be like, oh no, you 202 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:29,880 Speaker 1: find go ahead, go ahead with your little friends. Go 203 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,959 Speaker 1: ahead with your little friends. The friends always gonna be 204 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:38,760 Speaker 1: little for five hours. You're right, I'll be on the first. 205 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:42,080 Speaker 1: So back to your story time. So that that idea 206 00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:43,760 Speaker 1: of you wanting your wife to be home when your 207 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:46,000 Speaker 1: children were coming home from school or whatever the case 208 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:48,800 Speaker 1: may be, that's something that was embedded in you as 209 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:50,400 Speaker 1: an eight year old. You were like, I just don't 210 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:51,880 Speaker 1: want this to be there. I don't want my children 211 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:54,360 Speaker 1: to experience what I experienced in this moment. So I'm 212 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:55,640 Speaker 1: going to find a wife who wants to be home 213 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:58,680 Speaker 1: with her kids so now. And this is important when 214 00:10:58,679 --> 00:11:01,560 Speaker 1: you meet people, right, don't just meet them at the 215 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,920 Speaker 1: surface and meet them where they are. If you're thinking 216 00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:08,240 Speaker 1: about long term with a spouse, you have to meet 217 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:10,920 Speaker 1: their family. Know who they were as a child, because 218 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,360 Speaker 1: a lot of the things that happened to them as 219 00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:16,079 Speaker 1: a child will create the person everything. You know what 220 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:18,760 Speaker 1: I'm saying. And I don't think people right. I don't 221 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:24,440 Speaker 1: think people put enough um impetus on that part of it. 222 00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:26,040 Speaker 1: And then the reason why I told that story is 223 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:30,760 Speaker 1: because societal views and pressures did not create this gender 224 00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:32,520 Speaker 1: thing for me where I wanted my wife to be 225 00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:34,440 Speaker 1: home because I feel like women need to be home. 226 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:38,080 Speaker 1: It created it for me because it was traumatic for 227 00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:40,880 Speaker 1: me to be lost on Flatlands Avenue with my six 228 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:44,280 Speaker 1: year old brother and not know where to go. You know, 229 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:46,959 Speaker 1: I was lucky to kind of make a left turn 230 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,640 Speaker 1: and head that way and see Brandon's mom to drop me. 231 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:51,800 Speaker 1: But had I not and I kept walking the wrong direction, 232 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:54,240 Speaker 1: who knows where I would have ended up. And this 233 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:56,640 Speaker 1: is not a knock on my parents because socio economically, 234 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,440 Speaker 1: both my parents had to work, so you know, and 235 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:01,080 Speaker 1: this is a different time back in the nineties, so 236 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:02,480 Speaker 1: I was a latch key kid and I had to 237 00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:04,480 Speaker 1: get home by myself. So it's not a knock on 238 00:12:04,559 --> 00:12:08,320 Speaker 1: my parents. But going through that part of my life 239 00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:11,720 Speaker 1: made me realize what was important for me as a child. 240 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:15,120 Speaker 1: And then also in the summertimes, when my grandfather and 241 00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:17,400 Speaker 1: my grandmother watched us for eight weeks. My grandfather went 242 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,800 Speaker 1: out and worked, my grandmother was at home, so when 243 00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:21,440 Speaker 1: we had to go to the Boys and Girls club, 244 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:24,000 Speaker 1: she dropped us, picked us up. When we had to 245 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,640 Speaker 1: go to the roller skating wing for parties, she dropped 246 00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:29,000 Speaker 1: us and picked us up. When things happened in the 247 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:32,240 Speaker 1: community at that time, I was never concerned about what 248 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,160 Speaker 1: was gonna happen because my grandmother was going to be 249 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,680 Speaker 1: there to be my advocate at some point and always 250 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,120 Speaker 1: make sure we got to where we wanted to get 251 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:40,880 Speaker 1: you to get back home. So for me having that 252 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:44,000 Speaker 1: person to take care of my children was important. It 253 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:48,199 Speaker 1: really had nothing to do with society's views of that 254 00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:50,480 Speaker 1: is just what I saw. My grandmother took care of 255 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,760 Speaker 1: us in the summertime when my grandfather worked and in 256 00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:56,040 Speaker 1: Brandon Grneri's mom made sure that we got home from 257 00:12:56,080 --> 00:13:00,040 Speaker 1: school properly all the way through middle school. So for me, 258 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,840 Speaker 1: that was and it's important for me. The reason why 259 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:05,880 Speaker 1: I told that stories because going through that now it's like, Okay, 260 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:09,480 Speaker 1: when I get married, I want to I want a 261 00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:11,360 Speaker 1: woman that's going to do that. Then I meet this 262 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:17,920 Speaker 1: woman who's outspoken, master's degree, has all of these career aspirations, 263 00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:20,880 Speaker 1: and it's like, oh, shoot, I didn't even think about 264 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,640 Speaker 1: this right exactly, because then you also think about the 265 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,600 Speaker 1: women that you're attracted to, and that that's someone who 266 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:27,160 Speaker 1: was out there doing a bunch of stuff, which was 267 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:29,320 Speaker 1: me juggling mad things, you know, which I tend to do. 268 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,520 Speaker 1: And yeah, then you have to decide, all right, well, 269 00:13:32,559 --> 00:13:35,480 Speaker 1: what makes more sense? What is she willing to do? 270 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:37,680 Speaker 1: What does she want to do? And then that opens 271 00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:40,079 Speaker 1: up another cand of worms of discussion when we talk 272 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,160 Speaker 1: about what we want as parents, you know, because you 273 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,680 Speaker 1: always talk about what you want out of a spouse, 274 00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:46,559 Speaker 1: but then you also have the conversation of what you're 275 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,400 Speaker 1: looking for when you want to co parent and make 276 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:51,640 Speaker 1: children with someone you know. UM, And it also talks 277 00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:54,840 Speaker 1: about gender roles. I mean, generals is a huge debated 278 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:57,920 Speaker 1: topic I think for years. UM. And as gender roles 279 00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:02,199 Speaker 1: progress in society continues to change, the importance of marriage 280 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:05,960 Speaker 1: and in the family structure has changed with it as well. 281 00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:08,559 Speaker 1: So you talked about your parents, the socio economic impact 282 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,400 Speaker 1: that had both parents having to work, you know at 283 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:14,760 Speaker 1: that time, and then also going from like nontraditional weddings 284 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:18,320 Speaker 1: love stories that started on an app to more women 285 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:21,920 Speaker 1: being the breadwinner in the breadwinner in their household, you know. 286 00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,400 Speaker 1: So there's so many things that are changing the dynamics 287 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:28,280 Speaker 1: of UM. Millennial marriage are changing the way that married 288 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:33,000 Speaker 1: life works, and millennials I think are responsible for the 289 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:38,640 Speaker 1: shrinking divorce rates. That's interesting, UM, So we're going to 290 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:41,320 Speaker 1: talk about like what makes our relationship and many other 291 00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:45,560 Speaker 1: relationship marriages, I guess the millennial versions of it, what 292 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:48,320 Speaker 1: makes those goals and what makes those divorce rates lower. 293 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,640 Speaker 1: Is it that people are just deciding not to get 294 00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:54,800 Speaker 1: married at a quicker rate, or they're more cautious entering 295 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:57,640 Speaker 1: marriage than when they do get married, they decide not 296 00:14:57,760 --> 00:15:02,320 Speaker 1: to divorce. Our more conversations being had amongst millennial couples, 297 00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:05,280 Speaker 1: where they can then voice their opinions about what's happening 298 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:08,160 Speaker 1: within the marriage. I feel like there's a lot of things. 299 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:13,520 Speaker 1: I think there's a change happening amongst educated men and 300 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:18,080 Speaker 1: women who have decided that how they design their marriage 301 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:20,840 Speaker 1: is not going to be the fifties. So me, for example, 302 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:25,400 Speaker 1: I still want that lifestyle for my kids to have 303 00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:28,920 Speaker 1: one of their parents home. Right, I'm not going to 304 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:32,440 Speaker 1: stay at home, like I said before, regardless of what 305 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:35,080 Speaker 1: people think about gender roles. My wife is the vest 306 00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:37,080 Speaker 1: of a life for our legacy and our boys. I'm 307 00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:39,640 Speaker 1: going to go out and work, right, But that doesn't 308 00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,880 Speaker 1: mean I'm gonna tell my wife you have to stay 309 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:44,240 Speaker 1: home with the kids. At that point, that's where my 310 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:46,920 Speaker 1: mind changed, and my mind said, you know what, rather 311 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:50,560 Speaker 1: than trying to create a life style that's so big 312 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,240 Speaker 1: that my wife can just stay home, I'm going to 313 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:55,640 Speaker 1: create a lifestyle that's going to give my wife autonomy 314 00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:59,240 Speaker 1: to make decisions about her life, so she can decide 315 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,520 Speaker 1: whether she wants to stay at home or go out 316 00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:04,520 Speaker 1: and work. So building in the flexibility was a big 317 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:07,280 Speaker 1: thing for us when we decided that we wanted to 318 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:09,920 Speaker 1: have children because we both knew that, Okay, if we 319 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,200 Speaker 1: were locked into a job that required us to be 320 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,280 Speaker 1: at this place for a certain time frame, then that 321 00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:19,320 Speaker 1: completely takes away from us the ability to control our schedule. 322 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:21,760 Speaker 1: So even when I worked at that cosmetics years ago, 323 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:23,840 Speaker 1: you know, there is a bit of flexibility with the 324 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:25,600 Speaker 1: schedule where you can pretend, you know, if you have 325 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,440 Speaker 1: something going on, you can close or you can open, 326 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,240 Speaker 1: and there's a little bit of that, but ultimately it's 327 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,480 Speaker 1: retail and you have to be there the holiday time. 328 00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:35,000 Speaker 1: It's crazy, you know. So that was probably one of 329 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,720 Speaker 1: my unhappiest moments when I think about my career path. 330 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,040 Speaker 1: I was doing it because we needed it in that moment, 331 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,920 Speaker 1: and it was just like, girl, we need health insurance. 332 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:45,760 Speaker 1: You gotta work, like Devot was at home with and 333 00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:48,960 Speaker 1: it's something that we we had to do in that moment. Yeah, 334 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,040 Speaker 1: and then after knowing like, man, this is just not 335 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:52,560 Speaker 1: going to work for me. I'm not happy, i don't 336 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:54,480 Speaker 1: feel fulfilled. I feel like I'm missing my family, I'm 337 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:56,720 Speaker 1: missing out on so much. That's when we had to 338 00:16:56,800 --> 00:17:00,400 Speaker 1: reassess what my career was gonna look like. So that's 339 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:03,280 Speaker 1: when I left retail and decided to freelance on my own. 340 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:05,040 Speaker 1: That way, I was able to make my own schedule. 341 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,480 Speaker 1: And I think that we have to discuss, you know, 342 00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:09,600 Speaker 1: I'm going to discuss from a man standpoint, the whole 343 00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:13,440 Speaker 1: idea of being an alpha because that's what happens in marriages. Someone. 344 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:15,560 Speaker 1: They always say someone has to be an alpha, someone 345 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,080 Speaker 1: has to be a beta. You know what I'm saying 346 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:18,720 Speaker 1: in the stuff like this whole idea that if you're 347 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:21,960 Speaker 1: an alpha male, you control your wife. You know what 348 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,119 Speaker 1: I'm saying, You're under control, you have everything under control, 349 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:26,959 Speaker 1: you control, And I think that that's starting to change 350 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,880 Speaker 1: because what I've just realized is that being an alpha 351 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:33,760 Speaker 1: male doesn't mean that you control your wife or you 352 00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:36,960 Speaker 1: control the person that you're with. Being an alpha male 353 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:41,560 Speaker 1: means that you control everything that exists around her so 354 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:44,359 Speaker 1: that she can have control over what she wants to do. 355 00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:47,159 Speaker 1: And there's a difference. To me, the whole idea of 356 00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:49,520 Speaker 1: being an alpha male and controlling your wife shows a 357 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,960 Speaker 1: huge insecurity. You want to control her, You want to 358 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,800 Speaker 1: control what she does, who she sees, where she sees. 359 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,919 Speaker 1: You can't be an alpha male if you're controlling, if 360 00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,080 Speaker 1: you have insecurities. You can't be an alpha male, be 361 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,240 Speaker 1: just controlling or just an alpha And generally I don't 362 00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,679 Speaker 1: even think of just like even sex sex same sex relationships, 363 00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:07,680 Speaker 1: there's usually an alpha person and abating, but I think 364 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,000 Speaker 1: usually one person has the surfaces that or not. But 365 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:12,639 Speaker 1: I don't feel like to an extent, I feel like 366 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:15,600 Speaker 1: I'm an alpha as well. But I do know we 367 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:19,639 Speaker 1: do know how to then bend when necessary. I was 368 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:22,639 Speaker 1: accommodate each other absolutely, But I do think that there's 369 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:25,680 Speaker 1: you and I have had enough conversation to decide, you 370 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:27,240 Speaker 1: know what, I'm going to lean on you and this 371 00:18:27,359 --> 00:18:31,240 Speaker 1: time to lead right. And did you listen to the 372 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,840 Speaker 1: podcast with me and the girls? You didn't listen to 373 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:37,399 Speaker 1: because listen no, because we talked about this lightly. We 374 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:40,800 Speaker 1: talked about the the the person who damned you and 375 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,040 Speaker 1: was like, oh, you know you allowed your wife to 376 00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:45,879 Speaker 1: wear this swimsuit impose on the rocket that the word allow. 377 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:47,760 Speaker 1: The minute I said it in a room with like 378 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,439 Speaker 1: three other females, they were like what, Like everybody was 379 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:52,480 Speaker 1: clutching pearls and they were triggered because it's like that 380 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:55,640 Speaker 1: word allow, Like how do you allow as a husband 381 00:18:56,359 --> 00:18:58,720 Speaker 1: your wife to do something. And that was the common 382 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:00,600 Speaker 1: consensus I think between all of us is that we 383 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:03,880 Speaker 1: were all in relationships where allou wasn't necessarily the right word. 384 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:05,960 Speaker 1: It was just like, if you're better equipped to do 385 00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:08,800 Speaker 1: something in that moment, do it. If I am, I'll 386 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:11,679 Speaker 1: do it. And it's literally a partnership and teamwork that 387 00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:14,520 Speaker 1: goes into it. There's not this level of control. I 388 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:16,639 Speaker 1: know that that's easy to say though, but at some 389 00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:19,520 Speaker 1: point there has to be a leader, someone has somebody 390 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:21,679 Speaker 1: has to be with, somebody decisions and then in the 391 00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:25,080 Speaker 1: two of us, it comes down to me. Absolutely it 392 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:26,840 Speaker 1: comes and when it comes too of us and we're like, babe, 393 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:28,360 Speaker 1: this is what we're gonna do. And you're more decisive 394 00:19:28,359 --> 00:19:31,240 Speaker 1: than me, way more decisive, So you're just like all right, 395 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:34,359 Speaker 1: And I think part of being a leader is knowing 396 00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:36,400 Speaker 1: and you and I talked about this all the time. 397 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:40,439 Speaker 1: I know how where I want to go, I know 398 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:42,840 Speaker 1: how I want to go. You oftentimes know the best 399 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:45,120 Speaker 1: way to get there. Yes, you know what I'm saying. 400 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:48,240 Speaker 1: So for us, that's what I figured out. I'm like, 401 00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:49,920 Speaker 1: I want to act, I want to do this, I 402 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,560 Speaker 1: want to TV, I want to build this business. I 403 00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:53,399 Speaker 1: want to do this, all the other things that go 404 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:55,040 Speaker 1: into figuring out the best way to get there, the 405 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:59,080 Speaker 1: whole analogy about directions. Husband will drive, he knows how 406 00:19:59,119 --> 00:20:01,000 Speaker 1: to get us there by me, he knows you know 407 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,600 Speaker 1: where we want to go. But the wife will get us. 408 00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:08,960 Speaker 1: She navigated. We've been that way for us, and you 409 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:11,600 Speaker 1: used to navigate. This was before map Quest. This was 410 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:16,240 Speaker 1: before Google's no no, this was map quest directions out 411 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,680 Speaker 1: and you used to yell out the coordinates. I used 412 00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:21,160 Speaker 1: to time the odometer, like Okay, we're gonna watch out 413 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,199 Speaker 1: for this time. Those are the days. But um, I 414 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:27,280 Speaker 1: think that that's become the new idea of marriage, especially 415 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:29,200 Speaker 1: from me. And I'm just speaking from a man's perspective. 416 00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:31,560 Speaker 1: I'll let you speak from a woman's perspective. But for me, 417 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:35,439 Speaker 1: I've I've stopped saying I want my wife to to 418 00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,200 Speaker 1: do this and saying I'm going to create an environment 419 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:41,160 Speaker 1: around her where my wife can choose what she wants 420 00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:44,720 Speaker 1: to do, and then no matter what she chooses, I'm 421 00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:47,639 Speaker 1: gonna be able to be supportive in that, you know. 422 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:51,000 Speaker 1: And there's something very outpha about that, because I have 423 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,160 Speaker 1: men who hit me up in d mc all the time. 424 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,400 Speaker 1: It's just like, yo, your wife do this, your wife 425 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:57,600 Speaker 1: go to work here, And I'm just like, bro, whatever 426 00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:00,200 Speaker 1: my wife wants to do, she has a life. She 427 00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:02,159 Speaker 1: has a life. If she decides tomorrow she wants to 428 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:05,159 Speaker 1: take over the world and be Oprah, right, I'm going 429 00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:09,360 Speaker 1: to support that because I am confident in knowing that 430 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:11,919 Speaker 1: no matter what she does taking over the world, she's 431 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:15,560 Speaker 1: still gonna be my wife. She could be Beyonce, she 432 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:18,600 Speaker 1: could be Oprah, she could be Cadeem, She's still going 433 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:21,400 Speaker 1: to be my wife. So I don't have any need 434 00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:23,359 Speaker 1: to be controlling and say stay here and take care 435 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:25,760 Speaker 1: of my kids. If that means that while she's taken 436 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:28,480 Speaker 1: over the world, I have to move in her mother, 437 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,480 Speaker 1: my mother in law, which is what we did, you know, 438 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:32,680 Speaker 1: so that you can go out there and and generate 439 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:34,119 Speaker 1: more revenue. We were able to and then that way 440 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:35,840 Speaker 1: you didn't have to sacrifice as much on your end 441 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:37,600 Speaker 1: because you were still able to work at the things 442 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:38,879 Speaker 1: you wanted to work out. But we know that the 443 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:41,080 Speaker 1: children were taken care of, and if it couldn't be 444 00:21:41,119 --> 00:21:43,320 Speaker 1: you and it couldn't be me, then it was gonna 445 00:21:43,359 --> 00:21:47,080 Speaker 1: be going to be somebody if that means that I 446 00:21:47,119 --> 00:21:49,399 Speaker 1: have to grill, that I gotta make breakfast in the morning, 447 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:52,040 Speaker 1: and I gotta I'm willing to do that because if 448 00:21:52,119 --> 00:21:54,680 Speaker 1: I can create this space where my wife feels comfortable 449 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,480 Speaker 1: living in her purpose, that to me is the best 450 00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:00,159 Speaker 1: part of being married. You know, it's no longer it 451 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:02,439 Speaker 1: I'm giving my wife these rules she gotta follow in 452 00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:04,080 Speaker 1: order to make sure my kids are taking care of. 453 00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:07,399 Speaker 1: It's more about, Okay, let me see what her dreams are, 454 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:10,320 Speaker 1: how can we make that and supporting that because listen, 455 00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:12,800 Speaker 1: women noways we have all the dreams and all the 456 00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:14,600 Speaker 1: goals and not doing just have them and we're just 457 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:17,760 Speaker 1: sitting around daydreaming about them. We're actually out there making 458 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:19,479 Speaker 1: it happen, putting one foot in front of the other. 459 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:22,240 Speaker 1: And I think that's something to definitely applaud. And I 460 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:25,880 Speaker 1: can understand how a gentleman meets a woman and see 461 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:28,639 Speaker 1: someone who's out there doing doing so many things. You know. 462 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:32,280 Speaker 1: On the converse side, I think about men who I've 463 00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:35,360 Speaker 1: spoken to, whether it be close friends or family or whoever, 464 00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:38,960 Speaker 1: that have been like man like, I'm trying to find 465 00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:42,840 Speaker 1: a woman that can do something, that's doing something, and 466 00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:44,679 Speaker 1: I was like, well, where are you looking at? You know, 467 00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:47,840 Speaker 1: it makes you really wonder what where these people were, 468 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:49,879 Speaker 1: These pockets of women who are doing amazing things. But 469 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:51,439 Speaker 1: I feel like I see it all the time. Or 470 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:53,520 Speaker 1: maybe it's just because I follow those women on social media, 471 00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:56,480 Speaker 1: so I feel extra inspired and motivated by women who 472 00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:59,399 Speaker 1: are doing amazing things. But nowadays women are not just 473 00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:02,080 Speaker 1: you know, stuck in the household. They're they're trying to 474 00:23:02,119 --> 00:23:04,560 Speaker 1: do both and they're doing it well, um and doing 475 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:06,760 Speaker 1: it with the support and sometimes without the support of 476 00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:10,320 Speaker 1: a spouse. Let's look into some statistics UM. More than 477 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:14,000 Speaker 1: one in ten married millennials have a spouse who is 478 00:23:14,119 --> 00:23:17,359 Speaker 1: of a different racial or ethnic background, according to a 479 00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:22,120 Speaker 1: Pew Research Center. Data from pre Research Centers survey surveys 480 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:23,960 Speaker 1: conducted in two thousand and ten and two thousand and 481 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:27,520 Speaker 1: eleven found that female millennials are just as likely as 482 00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:30,919 Speaker 1: males to say that being successful in a high paying 483 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:34,840 Speaker 1: career or profession is a very important or even the 484 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:38,520 Speaker 1: most important thing in their life. The male mass mystique. 485 00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:42,720 Speaker 1: A report for the Family and Work Institute UM indicates 486 00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:46,800 Speaker 1: that six of fathers with two income families said work 487 00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:52,359 Speaker 1: family conflicts are a problem, and in n seven only 488 00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:58,280 Speaker 1: thirty percent of fathers in such settings called it an issue. Well, 489 00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,560 Speaker 1: I can tell you why that is. And teen seventy 490 00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:04,480 Speaker 1: seven there weren't as many women in workplace so exactly, 491 00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:08,560 Speaker 1: and I'll speak to that. It is a difficult thing 492 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:13,080 Speaker 1: to adjust to write because if you are a traditional man, right, 493 00:24:13,119 --> 00:24:15,560 Speaker 1: if you're a traditional man who says I would like 494 00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:19,120 Speaker 1: to be able to provide and protect and make sure 495 00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:22,040 Speaker 1: my wife has everything at home, right, you make enough 496 00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:24,920 Speaker 1: money that your wife doesn't have to work, you're busting 497 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:27,440 Speaker 1: your tail doing doing tons of hours to make sure 498 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:30,160 Speaker 1: everything is good at home. But then when you get home, 499 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:33,639 Speaker 1: you don't reap the benefits of a traditional household. It 500 00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:37,280 Speaker 1: becomes an issue for men and the benefits of a 501 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:39,640 Speaker 1: traditional household. What do you mean? Like, for example, if 502 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:42,280 Speaker 1: I'm out When you and I were together, right, and 503 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:46,560 Speaker 1: I was working eighteen sixteen hours because I was acting 504 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:49,200 Speaker 1: and then working at the gym, I was working as 505 00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:52,640 Speaker 1: a mentor, and then also taking personal clients to make 506 00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:54,400 Speaker 1: sure that you didn't have to work because you wanted 507 00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:56,440 Speaker 1: to be at home with Jackson. And I was doing 508 00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:57,879 Speaker 1: all these hours to make sure the money I was 509 00:24:57,880 --> 00:24:59,400 Speaker 1: paying all the buildings, all the stuff, but then when 510 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:02,680 Speaker 1: I come home there's no dinner, or when I come 511 00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:06,000 Speaker 1: home the house is dirty. It's like I'm busting my tail. 512 00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:08,480 Speaker 1: And I don't mind being traditional in the sense that 513 00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:11,199 Speaker 1: I don't mind taking care of all the responsibilities, but 514 00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:14,359 Speaker 1: then when I come home, you know, no one's taking 515 00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:16,119 Speaker 1: care of me. That can be an issue for a 516 00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:20,000 Speaker 1: guy who hasn't figured out how to find a way 517 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,440 Speaker 1: to do all of those things and push for his 518 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:25,600 Speaker 1: wife to have her dream. Because we talked about this before, 519 00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:27,840 Speaker 1: you will sit at home and you would be unhappy, 520 00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:30,640 Speaker 1: even though you were home with your son. You're unhappy 521 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:32,919 Speaker 1: because you weren't living in your purpose. So because you 522 00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:35,159 Speaker 1: weren't living in your purpose, you weren't making the home happy. 523 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:37,639 Speaker 1: So as a man, it's like, I'm doing everything I 524 00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:39,160 Speaker 1: can to try to give you the things you said 525 00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:40,800 Speaker 1: you want, but since you weren't living in your purpose, 526 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:43,520 Speaker 1: you weren't happy to home wasn't happy, so and then 527 00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:45,439 Speaker 1: coming home to an unhappy home, it's like, right, so 528 00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:47,399 Speaker 1: I'm working sixteen eighteen hours and I come home to 529 00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:49,119 Speaker 1: an unhappy home. It's kind of like them, what do 530 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,639 Speaker 1: I gain from this? And it wasn't until I started 531 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:54,520 Speaker 1: to realize that I have to find a way to 532 00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:57,520 Speaker 1: not to not just put you here at home, but 533 00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:00,600 Speaker 1: away for you to do everything you want to do 534 00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:02,439 Speaker 1: and still get what I need on home. And that 535 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:05,040 Speaker 1: was moving your mom in right exactly, because then I 536 00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:07,439 Speaker 1: alleviated some of the day to day things that she 537 00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:09,120 Speaker 1: takes care of. It I'm like, Okay, now that frees 538 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:11,159 Speaker 1: up time for me to then do this, or that 539 00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:12,719 Speaker 1: frees up time for us to even have a date 540 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:15,200 Speaker 1: night or something. You know. And it's funny how you 541 00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:18,320 Speaker 1: have to think about wrapping purpose into all of this, 542 00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:21,159 Speaker 1: because you know, if you're not living in your purpose, 543 00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:24,000 Speaker 1: like I've said before, it's it's really difficult to understand 544 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:26,560 Speaker 1: why you're even existing, and it's hard to then justify 545 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:29,560 Speaker 1: the moves that you make on a day to day basis. Um. So, 546 00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:32,560 Speaker 1: I think having the ability as a woman to say, Okay, 547 00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:34,879 Speaker 1: I have the support of a spouse, and here are 548 00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:36,919 Speaker 1: the things that I want to get done. Um, I 549 00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:38,359 Speaker 1: can pick and choose some of the things that I 550 00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:39,879 Speaker 1: want to get done so that way I can balance 551 00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:41,960 Speaker 1: work in life or you know, you maybe woman that's 552 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:45,000 Speaker 1: not how do I do the balancing. Yeah, because that's 553 00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:46,720 Speaker 1: that's part of the issue that women are saying. You know, 554 00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:49,240 Speaker 1: a lot of women say I don't know how to 555 00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:51,639 Speaker 1: have it all, and they're telling women you can't have 556 00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:55,280 Speaker 1: it all? Right, how do you balance? Man? I tell 557 00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:57,720 Speaker 1: you I'm still working on trying to balance it because 558 00:26:57,720 --> 00:26:59,680 Speaker 1: I feel like something is always going to suffer. There's 559 00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:02,720 Speaker 1: always a deficit somewhere when you're trying to do many 560 00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:05,840 Speaker 1: different things where you're trying to satisfy, her, appease different 561 00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:07,719 Speaker 1: parties in your life, you know what I mean. So 562 00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:10,960 Speaker 1: you think about pouring into your marriage, then it's like, Okay, 563 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:12,760 Speaker 1: the kids might fall by the wayside, or the career 564 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:16,240 Speaker 1: might fall by the wayside, or conversely, you have friends 565 00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:17,720 Speaker 1: that you're just like, damn, I don't even get to 566 00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:19,560 Speaker 1: see my friends anymore and have any girl time or 567 00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:22,040 Speaker 1: some social time because I've been working and taking care 568 00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:25,120 Speaker 1: of the family. So really just being deliberate, deliberate about 569 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:28,720 Speaker 1: balance um has helped a lot with me and really 570 00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:31,240 Speaker 1: having to sift out my priorities, like, okay, so where 571 00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:33,520 Speaker 1: do things fall on the list? Sometimes I feel like 572 00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:35,000 Speaker 1: you feel like you fall to the bottom of the 573 00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:37,240 Speaker 1: list because it's like, well, Cadine taken care of herself, 574 00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:39,840 Speaker 1: her kids, you know, our kids, and her career, and 575 00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:42,119 Speaker 1: then I fall to the bottom or reverse. You may 576 00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:45,240 Speaker 1: feel like at the bottom. No, I'm admitting to that 577 00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:47,720 Speaker 1: you feel like that sometimes, and it's true that you 578 00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:50,159 Speaker 1: feel like that, but it's true yeah sometimes. And the 579 00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:52,720 Speaker 1: reason I do that sometimes is because it maybe not 580 00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:54,840 Speaker 1: the right thing. But I feel like, Okay, devows an 581 00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:57,399 Speaker 1: adult and he can understand, you know what I mean, 582 00:27:57,440 --> 00:27:59,399 Speaker 1: Like he knows my plight. He understands everything that I 583 00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:02,399 Speaker 1: have to do, so he can understand in this moment that, Okay, 584 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:04,399 Speaker 1: DEVI I'm gonna need you to just sit tight. I 585 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:06,160 Speaker 1: gotta do X y Z for work. I got the kids, 586 00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:07,640 Speaker 1: I got this, that and that. You know it has 587 00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:09,879 Speaker 1: to be done. But I can't always expect you to 588 00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:11,680 Speaker 1: always be at the bottom of the list either, you 589 00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:13,000 Speaker 1: know what I mean. So I was going to follow 590 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:14,760 Speaker 1: it up by saying and admitting, yes, I do put 591 00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:16,760 Speaker 1: you at the bottom sometimes, but there has to be 592 00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:19,240 Speaker 1: at a constant fluctuation of that list for me, because 593 00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:21,320 Speaker 1: everybody got to get a little love. No, the reason 594 00:28:21,359 --> 00:28:23,160 Speaker 1: why I asked is me and I wanted the reason 595 00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:24,960 Speaker 1: why I asked if you put me on the bottom 596 00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:27,679 Speaker 1: sometime is because I wanted to ask, how do you 597 00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:30,359 Speaker 1: decide when I'm going to be at the bottom and 598 00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:31,720 Speaker 1: when it's like, you know what I got to give 599 00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:34,800 Speaker 1: my husband sometimes because that's typically an issue for husbands, 600 00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:38,200 Speaker 1: I don't get the liberty to say my wife gets 601 00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:40,320 Speaker 1: to be at the bottom. That's dead. Is not allowed 602 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:43,960 Speaker 1: in husbandhood to ever say my wife is at the bottom. 603 00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:46,400 Speaker 1: My wife always has to be at the top with 604 00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:49,040 Speaker 1: my job. You know, if I focus on my wife, 605 00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:51,240 Speaker 1: if I focus on my job, focus on my wife 606 00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:54,800 Speaker 1: and my kids. What I'm saying because my kids like 607 00:28:54,840 --> 00:28:56,680 Speaker 1: my kids. I can never put my kids in front 608 00:28:56,720 --> 00:28:58,600 Speaker 1: of my wife because my wife takes care of my kids. 609 00:28:58,920 --> 00:29:01,200 Speaker 1: If you're not taking care of the kids, won't be 610 00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:03,160 Speaker 1: And hich is why I feel like, you know, it 611 00:29:03,240 --> 00:29:04,800 Speaker 1: sounds bad to say you're at the bottom and the 612 00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:06,520 Speaker 1: kids are above you, but it's just like they depend 613 00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:07,920 Speaker 1: on me so much, you know what I mean, Like 614 00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:09,320 Speaker 1: a lot of times the kids will just be like, 615 00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:12,640 Speaker 1: you know, so it's hard, but I have to also 616 00:29:12,680 --> 00:29:14,560 Speaker 1: be conscious of how often have you been sitting at 617 00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:15,920 Speaker 1: the bottom of the list. Has it been a couple 618 00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:17,600 Speaker 1: of days, you know what I mean, And that's when 619 00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:19,200 Speaker 1: I have to now factor in some time for us. 620 00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:21,200 Speaker 1: So whether it's scheduling the night that we hang out 621 00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:22,680 Speaker 1: together a little bit, we go to the movie, well, 622 00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:24,560 Speaker 1: when we could go to the movies, but having nights 623 00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:26,960 Speaker 1: that are just designated or time slots that are designated 624 00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:29,480 Speaker 1: for you, it really just became a matter of me 625 00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:33,400 Speaker 1: reorganizing my life and reorganizing my schedule to just say 626 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:35,920 Speaker 1: I'm going to have to schedule in certain things. So 627 00:29:35,920 --> 00:29:38,240 Speaker 1: so though it may be bad, people say, like, sometimes 628 00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:40,360 Speaker 1: you gotta scheduling sex. I forget who was recently that 629 00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:43,480 Speaker 1: talked about tim she schedules in sex or something in 630 00:29:43,480 --> 00:29:45,600 Speaker 1: her Sometimes you gotta schedule and it may not be 631 00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:47,280 Speaker 1: sex time per se, but it's just like this is 632 00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:50,400 Speaker 1: husband time, this is like Jackson time, like not trying 633 00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:52,560 Speaker 1: to always lump the kids together. Then this is time 634 00:29:52,560 --> 00:29:54,800 Speaker 1: where I have a commitment. Some things are more time 635 00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:57,520 Speaker 1: sensitive than others, Like Okay, i have this content that's 636 00:29:57,560 --> 00:29:59,560 Speaker 1: do by this date, and I'm talking to our manager 637 00:29:59,600 --> 00:30:02,600 Speaker 1: about it. Like it's really just trying to jug juggle 638 00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:05,320 Speaker 1: and balance and trying to give myself grace and trying 639 00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:07,720 Speaker 1: to also realize like some something is always going to 640 00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:10,240 Speaker 1: suffer to an extent, but just doing the best that 641 00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:12,400 Speaker 1: you can on a day to day basis, and thankfully 642 00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:13,920 Speaker 1: I have you and my mom to help me make 643 00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:15,800 Speaker 1: that happen, so I could never say I do it alone. 644 00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:18,440 Speaker 1: I'm gonna say this in full transparency. Everything you talk 645 00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:23,160 Speaker 1: about husband's been doing that, and I'm gonna say this, 646 00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:26,520 Speaker 1: people don't people act like for example, even a husband 647 00:30:26,560 --> 00:30:29,520 Speaker 1: that does work in the mom, the husband that does 648 00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:32,160 Speaker 1: work in the wife is at home, they act like 649 00:30:32,240 --> 00:30:34,120 Speaker 1: the husband just be out working and come home and 650 00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:36,480 Speaker 1: put his feet up and just sit back, even when 651 00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:39,160 Speaker 1: you weren't working, like doing a bunch of social media 652 00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:41,440 Speaker 1: stuff in and building your career out. When I used 653 00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:43,240 Speaker 1: to come back from the gym after work in eighteen hours, 654 00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:45,680 Speaker 1: I grabbed the kids, right. But you did that because 655 00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:47,240 Speaker 1: you wanted to still be dead and you wanted to 656 00:30:47,280 --> 00:30:48,720 Speaker 1: have time with the kids. I'm not saying I didn't 657 00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:51,040 Speaker 1: like it, But what I'm saying is is that husbands 658 00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:55,760 Speaker 1: have been doing both in the home and at work 659 00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:59,480 Speaker 1: for a long time, and it's like, I know what 660 00:30:59,520 --> 00:31:03,920 Speaker 1: my I know when I have to prioritize you're just 661 00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:06,600 Speaker 1: starting to learn it, and I'm trying to hear your 662 00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:09,360 Speaker 1: process because I know what my process is, right, I 663 00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:11,720 Speaker 1: know what my process is because when from the time 664 00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:12,920 Speaker 1: we got married, I know I wanted to be a 665 00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:14,280 Speaker 1: good husband, I want to be a good father, and 666 00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:16,400 Speaker 1: I want to be a good businessman. So I could 667 00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:18,480 Speaker 1: there was never a point where I could put anybody, 668 00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:20,880 Speaker 1: you know, just be like I'm gonna just discard this 669 00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:22,720 Speaker 1: for a minute, like that's just not And if you 670 00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:25,040 Speaker 1: listen to you think you feel like I discard you. 671 00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:26,840 Speaker 1: For moments, I don't feel like I discard you. I 672 00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:29,400 Speaker 1: may just have you like lower on the totem pole, 673 00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:30,560 Speaker 1: like I said, or I might have you like okay, 674 00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:32,400 Speaker 1: like I can't do X y Z right now because 675 00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:34,000 Speaker 1: I have this time I play. But I don't think 676 00:31:34,000 --> 00:31:39,440 Speaker 1: I ever discard you. You feel discarded, yes, sometimes, okay, sometimes, 677 00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:41,000 Speaker 1: I mean that's how you feel, that's how you feel. 678 00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:42,520 Speaker 1: I mean you don't, I mean you don't. I mean 679 00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:44,760 Speaker 1: you you honestly said just now that you feel like 680 00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:47,760 Speaker 1: sometimes you put me at the bottom. And sometimes I 681 00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:50,360 Speaker 1: gotta remind you. Sometimes I gotta remind you that I've 682 00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:53,280 Speaker 1: been at the bottom for a long time. How often 683 00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:55,480 Speaker 1: have you had to be had to remind me that 684 00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:59,920 Speaker 1: I forgot about something. I'm very romantic. I'm very romantic 685 00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:02,600 Speaker 1: you at your moments, Yes, I don't. I'm the one 686 00:32:02,640 --> 00:32:04,160 Speaker 1: who would say we need to do a date night. 687 00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:07,320 Speaker 1: I'm the one to make sure that every birthday, every 688 00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:09,560 Speaker 1: Christman you get something very special. I mean, but I've 689 00:32:09,600 --> 00:32:11,400 Speaker 1: been I planned date nights as well to I planned 690 00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:13,320 Speaker 1: time like without the kids and stuff like that. I've 691 00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:15,880 Speaker 1: been doing that more too, But I think my schedule changes, 692 00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:19,200 Speaker 1: and I've been more more aware of it now too, 693 00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:21,920 Speaker 1: because my schedule has has fluctuated over the years. But 694 00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:25,160 Speaker 1: just being down from pregnancy, having kids, coming back, then 695 00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:27,960 Speaker 1: trying to reintegrate into my career, and then trying to 696 00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:29,360 Speaker 1: figure out how to get my career back up and 697 00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:31,120 Speaker 1: running again. And then it's like being pregnant again and 698 00:32:31,120 --> 00:32:32,600 Speaker 1: it's like okay, you stop, and then it's trying to 699 00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:35,120 Speaker 1: get back into my game. So there's many different reasons 700 00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:38,320 Speaker 1: as to why I've had to be readjusting my schedule, 701 00:32:38,480 --> 00:32:41,680 Speaker 1: and I'm saying okay, I said yes, I'm just trying 702 00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:45,880 Speaker 1: to have you speak on when do you like for me, 703 00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:49,000 Speaker 1: I've never had well, I can tell when you fidgett. 704 00:32:49,600 --> 00:32:52,520 Speaker 1: What I'm saying is is that I've never been pregnant. 705 00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:55,440 Speaker 1: I've never had to gain weight and lose weight, never 706 00:32:55,480 --> 00:32:58,520 Speaker 1: had to be a breastfeeding. So for me as a husband, 707 00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:01,960 Speaker 1: my my edguling what I've had to do that I 708 00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:05,240 Speaker 1: don't have the high peaks and low valleys that you've 709 00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:09,560 Speaker 1: had as a woman because of childbirth. And I'm saying 710 00:33:09,600 --> 00:33:13,320 Speaker 1: I understand that I want to hear your your your process. 711 00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:16,040 Speaker 1: I want you to talk about your process because I 712 00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:18,040 Speaker 1: know what my process is. It's been kind of even 713 00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:20,800 Speaker 1: killed for me, which is kind of it's been. It's 714 00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:23,400 Speaker 1: kind of it's unfair if you think about it being 715 00:33:23,440 --> 00:33:25,200 Speaker 1: a husband, you know, being a husbands kind of unfair 716 00:33:25,240 --> 00:33:27,640 Speaker 1: because people think I'm trying to use kids and as 717 00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:30,480 Speaker 1: an excuse. Like I've seen that too sometimes like oh, Okadin, 718 00:33:30,520 --> 00:33:32,360 Speaker 1: it's just like how how long is she gonna up 719 00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:34,760 Speaker 1: on her having three kids? And I'm like, I feel 720 00:33:34,800 --> 00:33:36,960 Speaker 1: like I'm not using it as an excuse. It's my reality. 721 00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:39,479 Speaker 1: This is what it is. Like, Okay, I'm not pregnant anymore, 722 00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:41,760 Speaker 1: and I've bounced back from that. Yes, I feel like 723 00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:44,240 Speaker 1: now I'm starting to get a grasp on, like, okay, 724 00:33:44,360 --> 00:33:47,280 Speaker 1: the way things need to shift and move, but okay, 725 00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:49,880 Speaker 1: there needs to be some accountability here, though, There needs 726 00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:53,320 Speaker 1: to be some accountability. I'm not talking about you. I'm 727 00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:55,320 Speaker 1: not talking about you. I'm talking about people in general. 728 00:33:56,400 --> 00:34:02,520 Speaker 1: We have friends who have one child but have nanny's 729 00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:07,840 Speaker 1: family come over assistance. They have plenty of help, but 730 00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:10,640 Speaker 1: then when it comes to their husband, they're still tired, 731 00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:13,239 Speaker 1: like like no, hold on, hold on, hold on, but 732 00:34:13,560 --> 00:34:17,200 Speaker 1: hold on. All I'm saying is it seems to me 733 00:34:17,239 --> 00:34:19,440 Speaker 1: to be like a I could throw this out that 734 00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:21,600 Speaker 1: I had a baby and it's okay to disregard my 735 00:34:21,640 --> 00:34:25,640 Speaker 1: husband for a while, and and in marriages, that's not 736 00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:29,080 Speaker 1: cool because think about it. Being a husband, I'm not 737 00:34:29,120 --> 00:34:31,479 Speaker 1: allowed to use those things. I'm never allowed to say, baby, 738 00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:33,560 Speaker 1: I worked eighteen hours. I'm too tired to deal with this. 739 00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:35,919 Speaker 1: Have you ever seen in any one of these posts 740 00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:38,560 Speaker 1: anything people say that they're like, will give Devoi break, 741 00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:41,600 Speaker 1: he's tired. You've never seen that You're allowed to be 742 00:34:41,680 --> 00:34:44,400 Speaker 1: tired though, like like I feel like if I and 743 00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:46,520 Speaker 1: and sometimes I'm the one that has to say to you, 744 00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:49,839 Speaker 1: devour cool you're freaking jets, like you need to chill 745 00:34:49,880 --> 00:34:52,560 Speaker 1: out for a second and relax, Like I feel like 746 00:34:52,560 --> 00:34:54,799 Speaker 1: I have to be that for you sometimes to create 747 00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:56,920 Speaker 1: balance in your life, because you'll be working yourself into 748 00:34:56,960 --> 00:34:59,880 Speaker 1: an early grades. Absolutely. But but my thing is that 749 00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:03,600 Speaker 1: I'm trying to hear your process because the reason why 750 00:35:03,680 --> 00:35:05,520 Speaker 1: I do work like that is because all of these 751 00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:09,960 Speaker 1: things I'm trying to balance. Father, husband, businessman, I'm trying 752 00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:12,960 Speaker 1: to give all of them the same amounts of energy, 753 00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:15,600 Speaker 1: which is tiring. But at the same time, I never 754 00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:18,600 Speaker 1: had to give birth, so I understand that there's going 755 00:35:18,680 --> 00:35:20,880 Speaker 1: to be a difference between you and your process of 756 00:35:20,920 --> 00:35:24,320 Speaker 1: mind because the peaks and valleys are different. So I'm admitting, 757 00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:27,919 Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying that imagine this. Imagine if 758 00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:30,240 Speaker 1: I have all this stuff happening. Right in the middle 759 00:35:30,239 --> 00:35:32,440 Speaker 1: of all of this happening, I had to have a 760 00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:35,560 Speaker 1: major surgery and had to be better written for nine 761 00:35:35,560 --> 00:35:39,400 Speaker 1: months and God forbid, and I had to gain thirty 762 00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:42,000 Speaker 1: to forty pounds. Then on top of that, I had 763 00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:45,000 Speaker 1: to come back from that injury, you know what I'm saying, 764 00:35:45,400 --> 00:35:46,759 Speaker 1: And then on all of that, I still have to 765 00:35:46,800 --> 00:35:52,960 Speaker 1: try to balance at some point, something's gonna happens. That's 766 00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:55,480 Speaker 1: what I'm saying. What I'm saying is I understand your process. 767 00:35:55,520 --> 00:35:58,440 Speaker 1: I'm saying that I've been doing this, so hearing my process, 768 00:35:58,440 --> 00:35:59,920 Speaker 1: I know what it is because I've never had that. 769 00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:03,279 Speaker 1: It's been even for you, and so it's the peak 770 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:05,240 Speaker 1: in the valley. So I'm trying to hear the process 771 00:36:05,239 --> 00:36:08,200 Speaker 1: of like what does a woman go through when you 772 00:36:08,440 --> 00:36:11,279 Speaker 1: should be exhausting, that should be tiring. And it's like 773 00:36:11,280 --> 00:36:13,400 Speaker 1: it's if it's not a physical tired, it's just like 774 00:36:13,400 --> 00:36:15,279 Speaker 1: a mental tired. It's an emotional tired of trying to 775 00:36:15,680 --> 00:36:19,080 Speaker 1: figure out how to get everything done. It's it's stressful 776 00:36:19,080 --> 00:36:21,000 Speaker 1: as fun, Like I can't even like that's just what 777 00:36:21,040 --> 00:36:23,320 Speaker 1: it is. It's what it is. It was more stressful, 778 00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:26,080 Speaker 1: like a stressful tithe and a physic actual physical time. Yeah, 779 00:36:26,120 --> 00:36:28,960 Speaker 1: it's like it's like your mind could never turn off tired, 780 00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:30,719 Speaker 1: you know what I mean. And you're the same way. 781 00:36:31,160 --> 00:36:32,640 Speaker 1: You're the same way. It may not always be like 782 00:36:32,640 --> 00:36:34,800 Speaker 1: physically I have to go and sleep this off. Sometimes 783 00:36:34,800 --> 00:36:36,759 Speaker 1: you're like, but I can't sleep because I have a 784 00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:40,160 Speaker 1: thousand things that need to be done, so I can't sleep. 785 00:36:40,239 --> 00:36:42,560 Speaker 1: So it's not the physical tired. It's just like there's 786 00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:45,760 Speaker 1: the pressure of having to do all these different things 787 00:36:45,760 --> 00:36:48,720 Speaker 1: and satisfy all these different people. You want to satisfy 788 00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:50,520 Speaker 1: the workplace, you want to satisfy the kids, you want 789 00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:53,640 Speaker 1: to satisfy the husband, and at some point something falters. 790 00:36:53,719 --> 00:36:56,120 Speaker 1: At some point you just never want to recover from 791 00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:57,920 Speaker 1: that faltering though. You want to be able to try 792 00:36:57,920 --> 00:36:59,759 Speaker 1: to find a way to like, oh, before this hits 793 00:36:59,840 --> 00:37:02,279 Speaker 1: rock bottom, let me you know, let me read it 794 00:37:02,320 --> 00:37:04,120 Speaker 1: in I just I'm just saying my aim is not 795 00:37:04,160 --> 00:37:06,400 Speaker 1: to always make it you, and my aim is not 796 00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:08,640 Speaker 1: to always be like, well, devout can understand because he's 797 00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:10,760 Speaker 1: an adult, or Devout and understand because he's my husband, 798 00:37:10,800 --> 00:37:13,640 Speaker 1: or Devout understand my plights. So therefore I just said, 799 00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:15,840 Speaker 1: I feel like I can't use that as an excuse 800 00:37:15,880 --> 00:37:18,359 Speaker 1: when it comes to you. All right, Well, the reason 801 00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:20,160 Speaker 1: why I was trying to get your process because I 802 00:37:20,200 --> 00:37:22,480 Speaker 1: wanted to tell how I try to help you in 803 00:37:22,560 --> 00:37:25,359 Speaker 1: that process. You know what I'm saying, because I want 804 00:37:25,400 --> 00:37:28,040 Speaker 1: to give I want to give people a takeaway. Because 805 00:37:28,040 --> 00:37:30,319 Speaker 1: I feel like we have reached a point now after 806 00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:33,960 Speaker 1: ten years where we've kind of found a moment where 807 00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:37,000 Speaker 1: we in a good vibe, right. And what I've noticed 808 00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:39,680 Speaker 1: is I wanted to hear your process because I wanted 809 00:37:39,719 --> 00:37:42,400 Speaker 1: to So was I not clear about my process? I mean, 810 00:37:42,440 --> 00:37:44,279 Speaker 1: you didn't really give me a process. You just told 811 00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:46,719 Speaker 1: me how you feel. But you didn't you didn't give 812 00:37:46,719 --> 00:37:48,839 Speaker 1: me a problem. You didn't say I focused on this 813 00:37:48,840 --> 00:37:50,560 Speaker 1: this day. I focused on that. This is how I bounce. 814 00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:53,200 Speaker 1: I'm saying that schedule things, So I scheduled things when 815 00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:55,080 Speaker 1: I know, okay, First of all, when it comes to 816 00:37:55,120 --> 00:37:58,440 Speaker 1: work and making money finances, right, their deadlines usually associated 817 00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:00,880 Speaker 1: with that. So if Donor calls us and say, hey, hey, 818 00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:02,560 Speaker 1: you need content for this on that date, you have 819 00:38:02,600 --> 00:38:04,480 Speaker 1: to host this on that date, those to me are 820 00:38:04,520 --> 00:38:07,799 Speaker 1: paramount because we gotta live, we gotta feed these kids. Right. 821 00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:10,480 Speaker 1: So for the chances like those time commitments where I 822 00:38:10,520 --> 00:38:12,440 Speaker 1: have those moments where I'm like, these things have to 823 00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:16,480 Speaker 1: get done because that's when other people are having productions 824 00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:19,919 Speaker 1: and it's not at my leisure that has to get done, right, 825 00:38:20,640 --> 00:38:22,400 Speaker 1: then there's certain things when it comes to the kids. 826 00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:24,960 Speaker 1: For example, now that we're doing virtual learning at home, 827 00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:27,400 Speaker 1: there's certain designated time slots that I dedicate to the 828 00:38:27,480 --> 00:38:30,359 Speaker 1: children because they gotta learn. At this point, we were 829 00:38:30,360 --> 00:38:31,759 Speaker 1: doing the best that we can. When it comes to 830 00:38:31,840 --> 00:38:34,960 Speaker 1: virtual learning, Jackson has his instructions. I work with the 831 00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:37,399 Speaker 1: two little ones in conjunction with my mom because the kids, 832 00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:40,520 Speaker 1: the kids gotta learn. Right. Then after that, part of 833 00:38:40,560 --> 00:38:43,879 Speaker 1: my self care, I think goes into work because I'm 834 00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:45,960 Speaker 1: on camera a lot. So if it comes down to 835 00:38:46,000 --> 00:38:48,200 Speaker 1: Cadine having to go get her eyebrows done, her nails done, 836 00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:50,280 Speaker 1: her here, or whatever it is, that kind of spills 837 00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:52,080 Speaker 1: into some of my work life stuff. So I'll have 838 00:38:52,120 --> 00:38:54,480 Speaker 1: the schedule appointments for that, because these are a lot 839 00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:58,000 Speaker 1: of things that depend on other people's schedule as well. Right, 840 00:38:58,400 --> 00:39:00,719 Speaker 1: and then of course there's devoted so a vow is 841 00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:02,640 Speaker 1: in the house for the most part, I feel like 842 00:39:02,640 --> 00:39:04,800 Speaker 1: I'm more deliberate now because you're traveling. So now I 843 00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:06,440 Speaker 1: feel like, Okay, there's things that I'm going to have 844 00:39:06,480 --> 00:39:09,680 Speaker 1: to move around with devout being home. So I try 845 00:39:09,719 --> 00:39:11,120 Speaker 1: to make the most out of the time that we 846 00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:15,120 Speaker 1: have when we are together. So I'm willing to you know, Okay, 847 00:39:15,120 --> 00:39:17,239 Speaker 1: I'm not gonna get my nails done or whatever whatever today. 848 00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:19,040 Speaker 1: Some things will have to then be put to the 849 00:39:19,080 --> 00:39:20,920 Speaker 1: side because I know Devot's going to be home for 850 00:39:20,920 --> 00:39:22,319 Speaker 1: a certain amount of time and I want to give 851 00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:25,759 Speaker 1: him my undivided attention in this moment. So when you're 852 00:39:25,760 --> 00:39:29,000 Speaker 1: at home, though more consistently, that tends to be a 853 00:39:29,040 --> 00:39:30,680 Speaker 1: little bit more heary for me because I'm like, oh, well, 854 00:39:30,719 --> 00:39:32,879 Speaker 1: DeVos here, and I sometimes take for granted the fact 855 00:39:32,920 --> 00:39:34,960 Speaker 1: that you're there, so I'm like, oh, if I can't 856 00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:37,080 Speaker 1: get to Devot to day with something. For example, say 857 00:39:37,120 --> 00:39:39,520 Speaker 1: we were planning a date night and we don't do it, 858 00:39:39,680 --> 00:39:41,080 Speaker 1: then I feel like, all right, well, I have another 859 00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:44,600 Speaker 1: time to then do that later, you know. So that's 860 00:39:44,719 --> 00:39:48,560 Speaker 1: that's scheduling for me. There's a reason why I asked 861 00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:51,240 Speaker 1: I wanted the process, because you can't say the process 862 00:39:51,560 --> 00:39:55,840 Speaker 1: might well because because I wanted. Okay, sometimes I'll be 863 00:39:55,840 --> 00:39:57,359 Speaker 1: asking you for details and you'll be telling me how 864 00:39:57,400 --> 00:40:00,360 Speaker 1: you feel, like, like, what what the fun asked for 865 00:40:00,360 --> 00:40:03,040 Speaker 1: the process? You got to frame your question right, so 866 00:40:03,040 --> 00:40:06,880 Speaker 1: I know what it was my question. It was the question, okay, Okay, Anyway, 867 00:40:08,120 --> 00:40:11,840 Speaker 1: the reason why I asked, I put things in order, business, kids, 868 00:40:11,960 --> 00:40:14,520 Speaker 1: self care, devote two or three four. I have no 869 00:40:14,560 --> 00:40:17,000 Speaker 1: problem with and the five is everything else like friends, family. 870 00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:19,920 Speaker 1: I have no problem with any of these, right. So 871 00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:22,120 Speaker 1: what I'm telling you is how I, as a husband 872 00:40:22,200 --> 00:40:25,440 Speaker 1: try to help you so that I'm not always last. 873 00:40:25,960 --> 00:40:29,120 Speaker 1: So for example, with business, you don't know this, but 874 00:40:29,280 --> 00:40:32,080 Speaker 1: we have the same manager, right, I don't know that. No, 875 00:40:32,160 --> 00:40:34,920 Speaker 1: I'm talking about the people listening. I don't know this. 876 00:40:35,080 --> 00:40:37,799 Speaker 1: We have the same manager. What I'll do is as 877 00:40:37,840 --> 00:40:40,080 Speaker 1: your husband, not as your business partner. Do this as 878 00:40:40,120 --> 00:40:42,840 Speaker 1: your husband, and it's a little bit different because we 879 00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:45,600 Speaker 1: are husbands. That's a struggle in itself. But as a husband, 880 00:40:45,680 --> 00:40:47,120 Speaker 1: I'll be like, yo, the noora, what does she have 881 00:40:47,239 --> 00:40:50,359 Speaker 1: to do for X y Z. I'll get a lot 882 00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:53,320 Speaker 1: of other stuff done that I know could be tedious 883 00:40:53,320 --> 00:40:55,880 Speaker 1: to you. For example, if you have to create something, 884 00:40:56,000 --> 00:41:00,200 Speaker 1: you have to make a creative for yes, first of him, 885 00:41:00,280 --> 00:41:02,520 Speaker 1: or I'll make the creative for it. And that's your strength. 886 00:41:02,560 --> 00:41:04,000 Speaker 1: So that's when I really english. It has to be 887 00:41:04,239 --> 00:41:07,480 Speaker 1: it has I'll edited, right, so that'll take away. And 888 00:41:07,480 --> 00:41:09,800 Speaker 1: I do that as a husband, not as a business partner. 889 00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:11,719 Speaker 1: The same way. The same way, if you work as 890 00:41:11,719 --> 00:41:14,560 Speaker 1: a CEO of a company, your husband would be supportive 891 00:41:14,760 --> 00:41:18,000 Speaker 1: of that for us, it gets harry because we've worked together. 892 00:41:18,239 --> 00:41:19,600 Speaker 1: But I don't do that as a business point. I 893 00:41:19,640 --> 00:41:21,920 Speaker 1: do that as a husband because I know that I'm 894 00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:24,000 Speaker 1: good at that, So that's something I do. So Boom, 895 00:41:24,719 --> 00:41:26,319 Speaker 1: I thought you did that as a business partner because 896 00:41:26,320 --> 00:41:27,799 Speaker 1: she's like, you want our content to look good and 897 00:41:27,840 --> 00:41:30,680 Speaker 1: be good. So you know, either way it gets done, 898 00:41:30,719 --> 00:41:32,960 Speaker 1: which is great because that's that's like I said. Develop 899 00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:34,160 Speaker 1: asked me all the time, and I say, that's not 900 00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:36,319 Speaker 1: my ministry, that's not my maniged, that's not what I do. 901 00:41:36,480 --> 00:41:38,040 Speaker 1: Like I can be on their talent. I can hope, 902 00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:39,719 Speaker 1: so I can act, but I'm not doing the behind 903 00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:43,279 Speaker 1: the scenes stuff. So I know. I know that you'll 904 00:41:43,320 --> 00:41:45,400 Speaker 1: get it done eventually. But I know that if I 905 00:41:45,440 --> 00:41:47,879 Speaker 1: wait for you to get it done eventually, that number four, 906 00:41:47,920 --> 00:41:50,440 Speaker 1: which is me, that's less time time for me. So 907 00:41:50,480 --> 00:41:52,880 Speaker 1: as a husband's like, if I help you in this area, 908 00:41:53,600 --> 00:41:56,160 Speaker 1: I can get more time. Number four it gets bumped up, right, 909 00:41:56,160 --> 00:41:57,839 Speaker 1: So boom, that's business. I help out where I can 910 00:41:57,880 --> 00:41:59,480 Speaker 1: in the business with i' was stepping on your toes. 911 00:42:00,040 --> 00:42:02,560 Speaker 1: I don't want you to feel like I'm hovering. You 912 00:42:02,560 --> 00:42:04,759 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. So, then with the kids, I 913 00:42:04,800 --> 00:42:07,120 Speaker 1: know for exactly, for example, with Jackson, I can help 914 00:42:07,200 --> 00:42:09,400 Speaker 1: with Jackson. So when it comes to his distance learning, 915 00:42:09,719 --> 00:42:13,000 Speaker 1: I got Jackson a tutor, a math tutor. I handle 916 00:42:13,040 --> 00:42:14,640 Speaker 1: all of his distance learning, so that you can take 917 00:42:14,680 --> 00:42:17,000 Speaker 1: that off your plate, you know. And me, me's helping 918 00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:19,920 Speaker 1: with Cairo, So that leaves you with cats. So I 919 00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:22,479 Speaker 1: try to find ways to help with the kids. This 920 00:42:22,520 --> 00:42:24,680 Speaker 1: way you can have more time. Once again, if the 921 00:42:24,719 --> 00:42:27,160 Speaker 1: vow is number four, I helped with the business, I 922 00:42:27,200 --> 00:42:30,440 Speaker 1: hope with the kids, boom, the vale moves up. Then 923 00:42:30,480 --> 00:42:34,760 Speaker 1: it comes to self care. I love self care for you. 924 00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:36,640 Speaker 1: You know how I feel. I've been telling you from 925 00:42:36,640 --> 00:42:39,359 Speaker 1: the time we were younger. I don't care how much 926 00:42:39,400 --> 00:42:41,239 Speaker 1: it costs for you to get a facial, or your 927 00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:45,920 Speaker 1: nails done or manny petty, or if I got a 928 00:42:45,960 --> 00:42:49,600 Speaker 1: curl your hair. I am all for it because I 929 00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:52,200 Speaker 1: can't I can't say to you I love I love 930 00:42:52,280 --> 00:42:54,239 Speaker 1: the cadeem that I fell in love with, and then 931 00:42:54,280 --> 00:42:56,839 Speaker 1: not help you take care of yourself. Plus, I know 932 00:42:56,960 --> 00:42:59,960 Speaker 1: self care helps you feel better about yourself. Oh absolutely, 933 00:43:00,080 --> 00:43:04,239 Speaker 1: And when you feel better about you, when you feel 934 00:43:04,239 --> 00:43:08,040 Speaker 1: better about yourself, you are more open to allowing me 935 00:43:08,120 --> 00:43:12,400 Speaker 1: to indulge in You're feeling better. Actually, number three and 936 00:43:12,480 --> 00:43:16,680 Speaker 1: number four kind of intercomingled because self care BA the 937 00:43:16,719 --> 00:43:19,160 Speaker 1: benefits of self cack. But what I'm trying to point 938 00:43:19,160 --> 00:43:22,920 Speaker 1: out is showing this is that when you're redefining marriage 939 00:43:22,960 --> 00:43:26,160 Speaker 1: right as a husband, it is not I take care 940 00:43:26,160 --> 00:43:28,239 Speaker 1: of the bills, I pay for this, I sit back 941 00:43:28,280 --> 00:43:31,200 Speaker 1: and let her figure everything else out. As a husband, 942 00:43:31,360 --> 00:43:34,560 Speaker 1: I still have to find ways to help out, other 943 00:43:34,600 --> 00:43:37,120 Speaker 1: ways that can help push me from being number four 944 00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:39,799 Speaker 1: to get because I'm going to be number four regardless. 945 00:43:40,120 --> 00:43:41,839 Speaker 1: But if number four in the beginning of the day 946 00:43:41,920 --> 00:43:44,880 Speaker 1: was only going to get an hour, but I decided 947 00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:47,759 Speaker 1: that I'm going to create your business plan for your 948 00:43:47,800 --> 00:43:50,440 Speaker 1: next shoot, there you go go. Now I got two hours. 949 00:43:50,600 --> 00:43:52,799 Speaker 1: If I help with Jackson's distance learning and stuff. Oh, 950 00:43:52,840 --> 00:43:55,400 Speaker 1: I get another two hours and thirty minutes if I know, 951 00:43:55,440 --> 00:43:57,879 Speaker 1: pay for you, get some self care. Make sure that's done. 952 00:43:57,880 --> 00:43:59,960 Speaker 1: Now you feel better. Those two hours and thirty minutes 953 00:44:00,080 --> 00:44:03,239 Speaker 1: are more well spent than the stressed out our that 954 00:44:03,280 --> 00:44:05,560 Speaker 1: we would have got. Also, being the woman that is 955 00:44:05,840 --> 00:44:07,800 Speaker 1: part of the group of women that are like, okay, 956 00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:09,719 Speaker 1: now I'm out here, like being able to pull my 957 00:44:09,760 --> 00:44:12,160 Speaker 1: weight and contribute to the household and all that. I 958 00:44:12,239 --> 00:44:14,399 Speaker 1: kind of feel like you can put yourself up right 959 00:44:14,400 --> 00:44:16,720 Speaker 1: next to number one when it comes to me doing work, 960 00:44:16,760 --> 00:44:19,879 Speaker 1: because that then helps bring money into the household, because 961 00:44:19,880 --> 00:44:22,040 Speaker 1: it all goes to one pot ultimately. And I've said 962 00:44:22,040 --> 00:44:23,680 Speaker 1: to you before sometimes when you feel like you're in 963 00:44:23,680 --> 00:44:25,759 Speaker 1: this rat race trying to like, you know, take all 964 00:44:25,800 --> 00:44:27,799 Speaker 1: the gigs and everything, sometimes I feel like I want 965 00:44:27,840 --> 00:44:30,319 Speaker 1: you to be able to have self care moments, which 966 00:44:30,360 --> 00:44:32,520 Speaker 1: you don't have often, and I want to be able 967 00:44:32,520 --> 00:44:33,799 Speaker 1: to be that for you. So it's like, all right, 968 00:44:33,840 --> 00:44:36,080 Speaker 1: if I'm now focusing on a project that can bring 969 00:44:36,080 --> 00:44:38,440 Speaker 1: an X amount of dollars, then that might give you 970 00:44:38,440 --> 00:44:40,560 Speaker 1: the opportunity to just say, you know what, all right, well, okay, 971 00:44:40,600 --> 00:44:42,759 Speaker 1: got it this month, I can take a little you 972 00:44:42,800 --> 00:44:44,360 Speaker 1: don't do it. I know you won't do it. I 973 00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:47,319 Speaker 1: was trying to pose it that way, but you won't 974 00:44:47,320 --> 00:44:50,239 Speaker 1: do it. If you if you could say to me, 975 00:44:50,440 --> 00:44:53,200 Speaker 1: you know you want a fourth baby, you can carry 976 00:44:53,200 --> 00:44:55,880 Speaker 1: this baby, and I could take on carrying the baby, 977 00:44:56,040 --> 00:44:57,759 Speaker 1: then I'd say, fine, you could take on paying the 978 00:44:57,760 --> 00:44:59,600 Speaker 1: bills for this month, but you can't do that. There's 979 00:44:59,640 --> 00:45:02,400 Speaker 1: certain is that you have to do that I cannot do. 980 00:45:02,960 --> 00:45:05,240 Speaker 1: So when it comes to paying the bills and making 981 00:45:05,239 --> 00:45:08,320 Speaker 1: the money. This past year, you've made more money in 982 00:45:08,360 --> 00:45:11,120 Speaker 1: this passage than you've ever made in your life. And 983 00:45:11,160 --> 00:45:13,040 Speaker 1: my bill still paid all My money still paid all 984 00:45:13,120 --> 00:45:16,000 Speaker 1: the bills. Because that is just what it is. Your money. 985 00:45:16,280 --> 00:45:17,400 Speaker 1: You can do whatever you want to do with it. 986 00:45:17,560 --> 00:45:20,239 Speaker 1: I don't. I really don't care. And another thing too, 987 00:45:20,320 --> 00:45:22,239 Speaker 1: is I'm not the type of person that gives it 988 00:45:22,320 --> 00:45:26,280 Speaker 1: about a bunch of materialistic things. So money for money 989 00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:28,359 Speaker 1: to me is not to be all the ends all 990 00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:31,960 Speaker 1: as long as I'd rather time and as long as 991 00:45:32,040 --> 00:45:34,439 Speaker 1: I'm the guy that will go out to eat and 992 00:45:34,480 --> 00:45:37,359 Speaker 1: I'll have on flip flops and socks and sweaters, and 993 00:45:37,440 --> 00:45:39,839 Speaker 1: k will be decked out because these are the things 994 00:45:39,840 --> 00:45:42,640 Speaker 1: that she likes to see is coming out of the 995 00:45:42,640 --> 00:45:45,600 Speaker 1: closet together. I was like, I want to dress down too, 996 00:45:45,640 --> 00:45:47,680 Speaker 1: But I mean nowadays I just feel like too, I 997 00:45:47,719 --> 00:45:49,040 Speaker 1: want to be able to dress up and look nice. 998 00:45:50,320 --> 00:45:52,799 Speaker 1: I love when you look good. My father also told 999 00:45:52,800 --> 00:45:55,680 Speaker 1: me jewel my father gave me and my uncle Kevin 1000 00:45:55,280 --> 00:45:58,600 Speaker 1: if Kevin um the true value of a man is 1001 00:45:58,640 --> 00:46:01,759 Speaker 1: seeing through the smile on the woman on his arm. 1002 00:46:01,920 --> 00:46:05,160 Speaker 1: The both of them have said, and then for you 1003 00:46:05,880 --> 00:46:07,759 Speaker 1: and look at my mom. Like when I think about 1004 00:46:07,800 --> 00:46:10,600 Speaker 1: my mom, my father worked three jobs at one point, right, 1005 00:46:11,040 --> 00:46:13,439 Speaker 1: he drove a nineteen eighty nine Coogan. When we first 1006 00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:16,920 Speaker 1: moved to Canarsi, he brought my mom a red Corsica. 1007 00:46:17,200 --> 00:46:19,719 Speaker 1: She ran over a pothole, messed it up, brought my 1008 00:46:19,800 --> 00:46:23,440 Speaker 1: mom a Champagne brand new Honda Cord, got into accident 1009 00:46:23,480 --> 00:46:25,759 Speaker 1: on the inner borrow, messed it up, brought her an 1010 00:46:25,760 --> 00:46:28,920 Speaker 1: accurate legend, and in between those times brought me and 1011 00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:32,360 Speaker 1: Maxima and my brother Honda Cord. He still drove the 1012 00:46:32,440 --> 00:46:36,840 Speaker 1: nineteen Couger. That's just my father, That's just the way 1013 00:46:36,880 --> 00:46:39,200 Speaker 1: he is. That's the guy he is. My my mom 1014 00:46:39,320 --> 00:46:42,359 Speaker 1: always came first. My mom always had mink coats. My 1015 00:46:42,400 --> 00:46:45,120 Speaker 1: mom always had jewelry. My father wore the same shoes 1016 00:46:45,160 --> 00:46:47,920 Speaker 1: and took the train to work to make sure that 1017 00:46:47,960 --> 00:46:49,520 Speaker 1: he can make sure that we all had the things 1018 00:46:49,560 --> 00:46:52,879 Speaker 1: we had. I don't care what people say about the patriarchy, 1019 00:46:53,040 --> 00:46:55,439 Speaker 1: and we need to stop this. You are never going 1020 00:46:55,480 --> 00:46:58,120 Speaker 1: to be the provider in this family. That's just what 1021 00:46:58,520 --> 00:47:01,600 Speaker 1: I take honor and that honor that that's just what 1022 00:47:01,680 --> 00:47:03,640 Speaker 1: it is. So there are certain things that's just a 1023 00:47:03,719 --> 00:47:05,960 Speaker 1: deal breakup for me. I don't care if I got 1024 00:47:05,960 --> 00:47:07,480 Speaker 1: to work three before a job. I'm gonna do that. 1025 00:47:08,120 --> 00:47:09,719 Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, all Right, I mean, I hey, 1026 00:47:09,960 --> 00:47:12,760 Speaker 1: I appreciate that. I love you for that. It works 1027 00:47:12,800 --> 00:47:16,279 Speaker 1: for us because we're able to you know what I mean, 1028 00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:18,080 Speaker 1: We're able to give each other what we need. But 1029 00:47:18,160 --> 00:47:24,640 Speaker 1: you know, it's still continuously when life kicks in. And 1030 00:47:24,680 --> 00:47:28,440 Speaker 1: that's what I'm saying. I mean, the reason why I 1031 00:47:28,480 --> 00:47:31,040 Speaker 1: said that, I I can push devout up to like 1032 00:47:31,160 --> 00:47:33,040 Speaker 1: finance with you can kind of be in line with 1033 00:47:33,080 --> 00:47:35,879 Speaker 1: finances because by me also working, I can then know 1034 00:47:35,960 --> 00:47:37,920 Speaker 1: that you need to tap out at some points and 1035 00:47:37,920 --> 00:47:41,080 Speaker 1: be like develop You've been going NonStop for this amount 1036 00:47:41,080 --> 00:47:43,000 Speaker 1: of time. It's time for you to step back and 1037 00:47:43,040 --> 00:47:45,399 Speaker 1: take a break, and I'm going to help you do that. 1038 00:47:45,680 --> 00:47:48,480 Speaker 1: You know what I mean. Um, And it's it's just necessary. 1039 00:47:48,560 --> 00:47:51,640 Speaker 1: It's necessary when it comes to the teamwork involved. Now 1040 00:47:51,640 --> 00:47:53,480 Speaker 1: it is it is, it is necessary. And the thing is, 1041 00:47:53,520 --> 00:47:56,959 Speaker 1: you've gotten so much better with money now that I remember. Um, yes, 1042 00:47:57,600 --> 00:48:04,000 Speaker 1: this is funny. This is funny people. This is the 1043 00:48:04,000 --> 00:48:07,120 Speaker 1: reason about buying about you buying a bag, right, I 1044 00:48:07,160 --> 00:48:08,960 Speaker 1: was looking at this bag that I wanted to get. Yeah, 1045 00:48:09,120 --> 00:48:11,600 Speaker 1: now you've you've worked your tail off over the past 1046 00:48:11,640 --> 00:48:14,560 Speaker 1: three years to be able to make really good money, 1047 00:48:14,920 --> 00:48:17,239 Speaker 1: but you still when it comes time to purchase things, 1048 00:48:17,480 --> 00:48:20,440 Speaker 1: you have this uncomfortable relationship with holding on because we 1049 00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:23,319 Speaker 1: came from a place where we had lost everything. And 1050 00:48:23,360 --> 00:48:25,400 Speaker 1: it's like, I'm trying to get you out of that 1051 00:48:25,560 --> 00:48:29,520 Speaker 1: mindset of feeling like y'all see me with new drip. 1052 00:48:29,560 --> 00:48:31,959 Speaker 1: It's because that made me buy it, because I won't 1053 00:48:32,000 --> 00:48:35,000 Speaker 1: buy it for myself. And this and this is a thing. 1054 00:48:35,719 --> 00:48:38,520 Speaker 1: I'll say all these things about me not caring about 1055 00:48:38,719 --> 00:48:42,160 Speaker 1: material things because I don't want them. I don't. But 1056 00:48:42,239 --> 00:48:45,200 Speaker 1: when it comes to you, I don't mind you dressing 1057 00:48:45,320 --> 00:48:47,840 Speaker 1: nice and having nice things because I know that you 1058 00:48:47,920 --> 00:48:49,400 Speaker 1: like nice things and I want to be able to 1059 00:48:49,440 --> 00:48:51,719 Speaker 1: get those things. You know what I'm saying it is 1060 00:48:51,840 --> 00:48:54,799 Speaker 1: it's also an important part of marriage to like, I 1061 00:48:54,880 --> 00:48:58,480 Speaker 1: feel comfortable knowing that if I had to rely on 1062 00:48:58,560 --> 00:49:01,440 Speaker 1: my wife for finances that she there Oh, absolutely, you 1063 00:49:01,520 --> 00:49:04,279 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. Like, there's there's a comfort and 1064 00:49:04,360 --> 00:49:07,919 Speaker 1: knowing that I can go out there and bust my ask, 1065 00:49:08,080 --> 00:49:11,840 Speaker 1: knowing that if I felt ill, if if I got sick, 1066 00:49:12,000 --> 00:49:14,600 Speaker 1: if I couldn't provide the way I needed to provide, 1067 00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:17,400 Speaker 1: my wife got it. You know what I'm saying. I 1068 00:49:17,440 --> 00:49:20,720 Speaker 1: can't discredit that. And there's a value in millennial marriages 1069 00:49:21,440 --> 00:49:25,319 Speaker 1: marrying someone with earning potential, for sure, you know about 1070 00:49:25,360 --> 00:49:27,719 Speaker 1: because there's a there's a comfort now for women who 1071 00:49:27,760 --> 00:49:29,440 Speaker 1: want to go out there and be out there working 1072 00:49:29,480 --> 00:49:31,560 Speaker 1: and busting their tail and still coming home and being 1073 00:49:31,880 --> 00:49:34,480 Speaker 1: wife and and being mom Like there's a comfort in 1074 00:49:34,480 --> 00:49:37,480 Speaker 1: that because there's this tag team that's happening with millennial 1075 00:49:37,480 --> 00:49:40,120 Speaker 1: marriages where we're making it comfortable and we're making it 1076 00:49:40,160 --> 00:49:42,840 Speaker 1: okay to be able to live in your purpose, whatever 1077 00:49:42,880 --> 00:49:44,800 Speaker 1: that may be. If your career is your purpose, do 1078 00:49:44,800 --> 00:49:46,560 Speaker 1: you have a spouse that's someone here to support you 1079 00:49:46,600 --> 00:49:48,800 Speaker 1: through that purpose. And that's probably a part why the 1080 00:49:48,800 --> 00:49:53,120 Speaker 1: divorce rate is going down. There's an intentional, intentional decision 1081 00:49:53,160 --> 00:49:57,200 Speaker 1: that's going into finding a spouse A and B. When 1082 00:49:57,200 --> 00:50:00,759 Speaker 1: you do find that spouse, there's an intentional fire and 1083 00:50:00,920 --> 00:50:04,399 Speaker 1: effort put into trying to balance everything to make it 1084 00:50:04,560 --> 00:50:08,960 Speaker 1: possible to stick together. You you definitely touched on something 1085 00:50:09,000 --> 00:50:12,920 Speaker 1: that's talking about it being intentional. We are both intentional 1086 00:50:12,960 --> 00:50:15,880 Speaker 1: about marriage. Yes, that's fair to say. You know what 1087 00:50:15,880 --> 00:50:19,040 Speaker 1: I'm saying. We aren't, but we're also intentional about the 1088 00:50:19,080 --> 00:50:23,000 Speaker 1: business of marriage. Two weeks ago you said something to me, 1089 00:50:23,280 --> 00:50:25,480 Speaker 1: we um, we created this is just a little a 1090 00:50:25,480 --> 00:50:27,719 Speaker 1: little bit bit about people looking to do things. We 1091 00:50:27,800 --> 00:50:30,360 Speaker 1: created an LLC in an escort. But we also have 1092 00:50:30,400 --> 00:50:33,120 Speaker 1: to take salaries for the LLC in the in the escort, 1093 00:50:33,200 --> 00:50:35,120 Speaker 1: so that you know, we pay taxes and things of 1094 00:50:35,120 --> 00:50:37,239 Speaker 1: that nature and put money away from the four oh 1095 00:50:37,280 --> 00:50:39,360 Speaker 1: one K. So we had to do all of this 1096 00:50:39,440 --> 00:50:41,520 Speaker 1: and K got her salary and she was like, oh good, 1097 00:50:41,800 --> 00:50:44,680 Speaker 1: So now I can put this money away for investments. 1098 00:50:45,320 --> 00:50:47,960 Speaker 1: And I'm like, wow, thirties six year Okay. The first 1099 00:50:47,960 --> 00:50:50,440 Speaker 1: thing you said was you can put this money away 1100 00:50:50,480 --> 00:50:55,000 Speaker 1: for investments. When we first met, you never talked about investment. No, 1101 00:50:55,160 --> 00:50:57,960 Speaker 1: I didn't know about it. I thought money, we're on trees. 1102 00:50:58,800 --> 00:51:00,600 Speaker 1: This is the crazy. But this is the crazy part 1103 00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:03,960 Speaker 1: though you had little did you know the money that 1104 00:51:04,000 --> 00:51:06,720 Speaker 1: funneled into the escort and the LLC was already funneled 1105 00:51:06,719 --> 00:51:10,239 Speaker 1: down into an investment account where taxes were taken out. 1106 00:51:10,719 --> 00:51:13,560 Speaker 1: Your four one K was taken out, and additional money 1107 00:51:13,560 --> 00:51:15,680 Speaker 1: for investments was already taken out. So the money that 1108 00:51:15,760 --> 00:51:18,319 Speaker 1: you got in that salary was just money for you 1109 00:51:18,360 --> 00:51:19,560 Speaker 1: to just do what you want to do. I have 1110 00:51:19,600 --> 00:51:22,600 Speaker 1: the same thing that's happening for me, But even in that, 1111 00:51:22,680 --> 00:51:24,239 Speaker 1: there's a comfort in me no one like Dank. I 1112 00:51:24,320 --> 00:51:27,799 Speaker 1: got a woman who's thinking long term for sure, you 1113 00:51:27,840 --> 00:51:30,279 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. One thing you definitely did was 1114 00:51:30,280 --> 00:51:33,120 Speaker 1: teaching me a lot about financing over the years, and 1115 00:51:33,160 --> 00:51:35,960 Speaker 1: like you said, it took moments of us having NAA 1116 00:51:36,680 --> 00:51:40,360 Speaker 1: to then recover from that. So listen, at this point, 1117 00:51:40,400 --> 00:51:43,880 Speaker 1: I feel like marriage, partnership, whatever y'all have going on 1118 00:51:44,680 --> 00:51:49,359 Speaker 1: is definitely it's like all hands on deck. It's all 1119 00:51:49,400 --> 00:51:52,200 Speaker 1: hands on deck. Who's better equipped in that moment do it? 1120 00:51:52,280 --> 00:51:54,040 Speaker 1: You know what I mean? And having a plan, having 1121 00:51:54,040 --> 00:51:57,560 Speaker 1: a plan, because the plan is sometimes not just the 1122 00:51:57,560 --> 00:51:59,880 Speaker 1: plan for the marriage, but the plan is then in 1123 00:52:00,000 --> 00:52:03,520 Speaker 1: corporating the plans for your careers and that that's also 1124 00:52:03,560 --> 00:52:05,640 Speaker 1: gonna play a part in the marriage and the effect 1125 00:52:05,640 --> 00:52:08,319 Speaker 1: it hasn't it your plan as parents that has an 1126 00:52:08,320 --> 00:52:11,319 Speaker 1: effect on it. There's so many different subcategories that then 1127 00:52:11,320 --> 00:52:14,719 Speaker 1: will affect the marriage part. So redefine that joint as 1128 00:52:14,719 --> 00:52:18,480 Speaker 1: many times as you need to and not curtailing it 1129 00:52:18,520 --> 00:52:23,160 Speaker 1: to anyone Else's that those are like major takeaway. Could 1130 00:52:23,160 --> 00:52:26,520 Speaker 1: you imagine if we weren't really willing to redefine our 1131 00:52:26,520 --> 00:52:29,759 Speaker 1: marriage when I first got cut and you had to 1132 00:52:29,800 --> 00:52:31,919 Speaker 1: go back to work in mac so that we could 1133 00:52:31,920 --> 00:52:34,520 Speaker 1: one have insurance because we were having a baby, but 1134 00:52:34,640 --> 00:52:39,080 Speaker 1: number to help pay the rent, right? Could you imagine 1135 00:52:39,560 --> 00:52:41,960 Speaker 1: if I was just like, no, I'm not letting you 1136 00:52:42,000 --> 00:52:44,960 Speaker 1: do that. I think about how hard we wouldn't have 1137 00:52:45,000 --> 00:52:47,680 Speaker 1: had no insurance. We wouldn't have had no insurance, And 1138 00:52:47,680 --> 00:52:49,359 Speaker 1: and because you were working, I was able to put 1139 00:52:49,360 --> 00:52:51,920 Speaker 1: money aside so that when things came out we could 1140 00:52:51,960 --> 00:52:54,200 Speaker 1: continue to grow the business. But could you imagine if 1141 00:52:54,239 --> 00:52:56,200 Speaker 1: we weren't willing to redefine that, if we were just 1142 00:52:56,280 --> 00:52:59,759 Speaker 1: stuck in our own traditional ways, or me personally would 1143 00:52:59,760 --> 00:53:03,400 Speaker 1: just duck and not saying all right, baby, or if 1144 00:53:03,440 --> 00:53:06,200 Speaker 1: I was like, well, my grandmother stay at home all 1145 00:53:06,280 --> 00:53:08,000 Speaker 1: day with the kids, So I'm like, what do you 1146 00:53:08,040 --> 00:53:11,040 Speaker 1: mean work? You know what I mean? You know, that's 1147 00:53:11,040 --> 00:53:13,000 Speaker 1: just what it is, and it's no knock on people 1148 00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:14,640 Speaker 1: who want to stay home and be the stay at 1149 00:53:14,640 --> 00:53:16,160 Speaker 1: home mom, or they stay at home to add like 1150 00:53:16,400 --> 00:53:18,319 Speaker 1: somebody had to be able to kids. And if it's not, 1151 00:53:18,520 --> 00:53:21,360 Speaker 1: if it's not you know, if it's if it's not you, 1152 00:53:21,360 --> 00:53:22,719 Speaker 1: you would have to go higher an inny and then 1153 00:53:22,760 --> 00:53:24,440 Speaker 1: you have to think about the expense of that, you 1154 00:53:24,440 --> 00:53:26,359 Speaker 1: know what I mean. But it's just like, do what 1155 00:53:26,360 --> 00:53:28,040 Speaker 1: makes you happy to do it makes what works speak 1156 00:53:28,040 --> 00:53:30,680 Speaker 1: your relationship. Like some people are very happy being at home. 1157 00:53:30,719 --> 00:53:32,200 Speaker 1: So people are more happy feeling like they can go 1158 00:53:32,239 --> 00:53:34,399 Speaker 1: to work, they can work their hours, and then they 1159 00:53:34,400 --> 00:53:36,200 Speaker 1: come back home a happier person because they were able 1160 00:53:36,280 --> 00:53:38,480 Speaker 1: to have, you know, interaction with other people and they 1161 00:53:38,520 --> 00:53:39,879 Speaker 1: were able to be away from home for a little 1162 00:53:39,880 --> 00:53:42,360 Speaker 1: bit and then come back home and then you know, 1163 00:53:42,440 --> 00:53:48,320 Speaker 1: feel refreshed. So maybe boy, baby girl, do what works 1164 00:53:48,360 --> 00:53:52,359 Speaker 1: for you. Listen, we're gonna take a quick break, come back, 1165 00:53:52,719 --> 00:53:54,799 Speaker 1: listen to some Listen to letters because I know that's 1166 00:53:54,840 --> 00:53:57,080 Speaker 1: your favorite. Paul can getting some piece of business. Well, 1167 00:53:57,120 --> 00:53:59,400 Speaker 1: first we got to pay some bills so that we 1168 00:53:59,400 --> 00:54:01,319 Speaker 1: can continue to day. I had to check out these 1169 00:54:01,320 --> 00:54:16,399 Speaker 1: ads and we'll be right back after this. All right, guys, 1170 00:54:16,480 --> 00:54:22,759 Speaker 1: we're back now, how to go pay some bills? I 1171 00:54:22,840 --> 00:54:25,360 Speaker 1: love all the haikus and the sonnets that we have 1172 00:54:25,480 --> 00:54:27,560 Speaker 1: coming in here. And do you see this? This is 1173 00:54:27,680 --> 00:54:30,040 Speaker 1: this is a big listen. This is a long one. 1174 00:54:30,120 --> 00:54:32,800 Speaker 1: It's two of them, but they're still pretty. They're pretty hefty. 1175 00:54:32,880 --> 00:54:36,319 Speaker 1: All right, I'll take the first. Okay, Hey, first off, 1176 00:54:36,360 --> 00:54:38,040 Speaker 1: I love what you two are doing and I admire it. 1177 00:54:38,120 --> 00:54:40,600 Speaker 1: Thank you so much. We love you and we appreciate you. 1178 00:54:41,000 --> 00:54:44,279 Speaker 1: I'm coming from the great city of Memphis, Tennessee, Tennessee. 1179 00:54:44,320 --> 00:54:47,080 Speaker 1: I grew up Morristown, Tennessee. Every song Memphis, isn't that 1180 00:54:47,120 --> 00:54:50,960 Speaker 1: where we went for St? Jude? And I've been listening 1181 00:54:51,000 --> 00:54:54,640 Speaker 1: for going on two years now. Now, my question I 1182 00:54:54,680 --> 00:54:56,839 Speaker 1: wanted to know, Am I being difficult or is there 1183 00:54:56,920 --> 00:54:59,240 Speaker 1: some reason too? Or is there some reason to my madness? 1184 00:54:59,440 --> 00:55:01,560 Speaker 1: My girlfriend and I have been together for two years. 1185 00:55:01,560 --> 00:55:07,479 Speaker 1: We recently celebrated our second anniversary. Right, I'm thirty two 1186 00:55:07,560 --> 00:55:09,920 Speaker 1: and she is thirty one. She has one daughter, twelve 1187 00:55:10,000 --> 00:55:12,120 Speaker 1: from a previous relationship, and I have a son, three 1188 00:55:12,120 --> 00:55:15,160 Speaker 1: from a previous relationship. We always talk about marriage, which 1189 00:55:15,200 --> 00:55:17,520 Speaker 1: is definitely in the works, and we already lived together. 1190 00:55:17,600 --> 00:55:20,279 Speaker 1: We all love each other. We all love each other, 1191 00:55:20,320 --> 00:55:22,359 Speaker 1: our kids get along, and we love each other's kids 1192 00:55:22,400 --> 00:55:25,160 Speaker 1: as our own. This somewhat issue comes to play when 1193 00:55:25,160 --> 00:55:28,239 Speaker 1: she talks about having a child together. I feel that 1194 00:55:28,360 --> 00:55:30,480 Speaker 1: we are good. We got the best of both worlds. 1195 00:55:30,480 --> 00:55:33,600 Speaker 1: My girlfriend, on the other hand, has moments of baby fever. 1196 00:55:33,640 --> 00:55:37,080 Speaker 1: Pretty much. What's holding me back is um is number 1197 00:55:37,080 --> 00:55:40,200 Speaker 1: one naming the child and number two. We have two 1198 00:55:40,239 --> 00:55:43,399 Speaker 1: different ways of parenting. I focus on the naming part. 1199 00:55:43,880 --> 00:55:47,080 Speaker 1: Her family has a tradition of newborn child taking the 1200 00:55:47,120 --> 00:55:49,759 Speaker 1: grandparents first name as a middle as a middle name. 1201 00:55:50,360 --> 00:55:53,160 Speaker 1: This I know. This is hilarious to me. Boys would 1202 00:55:53,160 --> 00:55:55,719 Speaker 1: take the grandfathers and the girls would take the grandmother's. 1203 00:55:55,760 --> 00:55:58,360 Speaker 1: I specifically did not make my son to Jr. Because 1204 00:55:58,400 --> 00:56:00,520 Speaker 1: I feel that the child should have an name unique 1205 00:56:00,560 --> 00:56:02,160 Speaker 1: to them. This sounds like us. Is it not sounds 1206 00:56:02,160 --> 00:56:05,040 Speaker 1: like us? Uh like Junior? Because I feel that the 1207 00:56:05,080 --> 00:56:06,799 Speaker 1: child should have a name unique to them so they 1208 00:56:06,800 --> 00:56:09,319 Speaker 1: can make their own name in this world. Then I'm 1209 00:56:09,360 --> 00:56:11,640 Speaker 1: not the biggest fan of her father. Not to get 1210 00:56:11,760 --> 00:56:14,120 Speaker 1: to in depth, but he reminds me of my father 1211 00:56:14,480 --> 00:56:19,640 Speaker 1: and my father and my father has ten kids he's 1212 00:56:19,680 --> 00:56:21,520 Speaker 1: a good dad to her and her siblings, but he 1213 00:56:21,560 --> 00:56:23,640 Speaker 1: has a few traits that give me cause to not 1214 00:56:23,840 --> 00:56:26,839 Speaker 1: name my son if I had a boy after him. Okay, 1215 00:56:26,880 --> 00:56:29,319 Speaker 1: for me, it's a complete no go. For her, she 1216 00:56:29,480 --> 00:56:32,800 Speaker 1: likes the tradition. We are at an impast even though 1217 00:56:32,920 --> 00:56:36,600 Speaker 1: it would be later down the mind. What are your thoughts? Okay? 1218 00:56:37,480 --> 00:56:42,840 Speaker 1: So she has baby faces we were liked about. Okay. 1219 00:56:42,920 --> 00:56:46,160 Speaker 1: So I love tradition, but I do feel like when 1220 00:56:46,200 --> 00:56:48,760 Speaker 1: you meet someone and then you create your own family, 1221 00:56:48,840 --> 00:56:52,440 Speaker 1: that you can then take on your own traditions. So 1222 00:56:52,719 --> 00:56:56,360 Speaker 1: I'm an advocate because I don't care for the junior situation. 1223 00:56:56,520 --> 00:57:00,040 Speaker 1: I am an advocate for creating your own tradition. And 1224 00:57:00,440 --> 00:57:03,400 Speaker 1: at that point saying, you know what, babe, I understand 1225 00:57:03,600 --> 00:57:07,399 Speaker 1: that this is your family's tradition. However, is this something 1226 00:57:07,520 --> 00:57:09,680 Speaker 1: somewhere we can compromise on this, because is it pretty 1227 00:57:09,760 --> 00:57:13,120 Speaker 1: much that is it that the grandparents the child takes 1228 00:57:13,160 --> 00:57:15,960 Speaker 1: the middle name will be the grandparents name. It don't 1229 00:57:15,960 --> 00:57:18,000 Speaker 1: matter to me what name he talking about. This was 1230 00:57:18,200 --> 00:57:20,200 Speaker 1: this was the topic of contention for me and Codeine 1231 00:57:20,560 --> 00:57:24,400 Speaker 1: because I wanted to name kaz Devot and Codeine didn't 1232 00:57:24,440 --> 00:57:28,720 Speaker 1: want to name him Devot. And I was pissed because 1233 00:57:28,760 --> 00:57:31,720 Speaker 1: I'm like, yo, like we had a dead point. We 1234 00:57:31,760 --> 00:57:34,000 Speaker 1: had two kids. We had two kids at that point, 1235 00:57:34,560 --> 00:57:38,880 Speaker 1: and I named Jackson and we collectively named Cairo. But 1236 00:57:38,920 --> 00:57:41,240 Speaker 1: we agreed on those names. And I'm like, if it's 1237 00:57:41,280 --> 00:57:43,680 Speaker 1: a boy, I wanted his name to be Devout. I'm like, 1238 00:57:43,720 --> 00:57:45,800 Speaker 1: this was going to be our last child. I have 1239 00:57:45,880 --> 00:57:48,480 Speaker 1: no namesakes. And she was just like, I don't want 1240 00:57:48,520 --> 00:57:50,200 Speaker 1: people gonna call him junior. They don't call him, but 1241 00:57:50,240 --> 00:57:55,040 Speaker 1: in my family junor where's Junia? Where a Junior? This 1242 00:57:55,280 --> 00:57:57,720 Speaker 1: is all I could hear is my my family. And 1243 00:57:57,760 --> 00:57:59,720 Speaker 1: I'm like, so I can't name my son after me 1244 00:57:59,760 --> 00:58:02,600 Speaker 1: because is what your family goes. I was just done. No, 1245 00:58:02,720 --> 00:58:04,560 Speaker 1: it wasn't just because of the way they would call him, 1246 00:58:04,600 --> 00:58:06,240 Speaker 1: but I also to just believe the same thing. I 1247 00:58:06,240 --> 00:58:08,280 Speaker 1: feel like kids should have their own names and their 1248 00:58:08,320 --> 00:58:10,720 Speaker 1: own their own identities. And and I was not opposed 1249 00:58:10,760 --> 00:58:14,520 Speaker 1: to cats being cats devout, you know, And um, he 1250 00:58:14,640 --> 00:58:16,520 Speaker 1: was Cass Devout for a couple of hours of his 1251 00:58:16,600 --> 00:58:18,960 Speaker 1: life and then we changed it after the fact. But 1252 00:58:19,040 --> 00:58:23,480 Speaker 1: I mean, you had your moment, bro, you did you? 1253 00:58:24,280 --> 00:58:26,160 Speaker 1: This is what I'll tell y'all, I would not have 1254 00:58:26,280 --> 00:58:28,960 Speaker 1: kids because of the name. I would I would not 1255 00:58:28,960 --> 00:58:32,800 Speaker 1: not have kids. I would not not have kids because 1256 00:58:32,880 --> 00:58:34,880 Speaker 1: we can't agree on the name. Clearly you both loved 1257 00:58:34,920 --> 00:58:37,440 Speaker 1: being parents. Um. I wish he would have spoken more 1258 00:58:37,440 --> 00:58:40,760 Speaker 1: about what the different ing with different thing parents styles are. Yeah, 1259 00:58:40,840 --> 00:58:43,080 Speaker 1: that team might would might be more of the thing 1260 00:58:43,440 --> 00:58:45,200 Speaker 1: that seems to be more of a pressing topic. But 1261 00:58:45,240 --> 00:58:47,360 Speaker 1: the name, y'allo, get over the name. Once the baby 1262 00:58:47,400 --> 00:58:49,880 Speaker 1: gets here, y'all name the baby. And if it's the 1263 00:58:49,880 --> 00:58:51,680 Speaker 1: middle name, A lot of people don't even really use 1264 00:58:51,720 --> 00:58:53,400 Speaker 1: their middle name on a day to day basis either. 1265 00:58:53,680 --> 00:58:57,600 Speaker 1: You know, so freaking your mother was pissed that I 1266 00:58:57,680 --> 00:59:00,400 Speaker 1: named Kiro Shakoor and I had to put my footnown. 1267 00:59:00,440 --> 00:59:02,360 Speaker 1: Let me tell you something sometimes, dude, you gotta put 1268 00:59:02,360 --> 00:59:04,920 Speaker 1: your foot down and be like anybody shut up? Right? 1269 00:59:05,680 --> 00:59:08,560 Speaker 1: We named more or less? That's what says. Oh, we 1270 00:59:08,680 --> 00:59:11,560 Speaker 1: named Cayro. I was like, I like Kiro Shor. He 1271 00:59:11,560 --> 00:59:13,760 Speaker 1: was born on September thirteen. Tupac is one of the 1272 00:59:13,800 --> 00:59:16,120 Speaker 1: people that I admire so much as an artist, and 1273 00:59:16,160 --> 00:59:18,600 Speaker 1: I was like, you know, September thirteen, two thousand seven, 1274 00:59:18,600 --> 00:59:20,320 Speaker 1: was when he died. I was like, this was the 1275 00:59:20,360 --> 00:59:24,240 Speaker 1: twentieth anniversary of when he was born. So I'm like, yo, 1276 00:59:24,760 --> 00:59:27,280 Speaker 1: we're gonna name him Kiro Shakor. And your mother was 1277 00:59:27,320 --> 00:59:31,720 Speaker 1: just like char people are going to think he's like 1278 00:59:31,800 --> 00:59:35,400 Speaker 1: gangster to fuck. I was like, what what are you 1279 00:59:35,440 --> 00:59:38,000 Speaker 1: talking about? My mom was all whild and she was like, 1280 00:59:38,240 --> 00:59:40,840 Speaker 1: his name is going to be associated with violence and guns. 1281 00:59:40,920 --> 00:59:43,200 Speaker 1: And I was like, mom, I was like, what do 1282 00:59:43,240 --> 00:59:45,400 Speaker 1: you even know who to back is? I said, she 1283 00:59:45,440 --> 00:59:48,880 Speaker 1: don't know anybody passed Barrass Hammond and Bob Martin have feet. 1284 00:59:49,080 --> 00:59:50,840 Speaker 1: It's okay, We'll be all right, I mean, And to 1285 00:59:50,880 --> 00:59:52,760 Speaker 1: be honest, I wasn't crazy about Shakoor, just because I 1286 00:59:52,760 --> 00:59:54,760 Speaker 1: wasn't crazy about the name Skor. But then when I 1287 00:59:54,840 --> 00:59:56,880 Speaker 1: figured out that the meaning behind the name and then 1288 00:59:56,920 --> 00:59:59,880 Speaker 1: how it flowed with Cairo and everything, it was just 1289 01:00:00,240 --> 01:00:02,640 Speaker 1: I'll put my foot down, y'all. Yeah, and long story short, 1290 01:00:02,600 --> 01:00:06,600 Speaker 1: and I was just like, I like another name for 1291 01:00:06,640 --> 01:00:08,080 Speaker 1: the middle. But I was like all right, well. And 1292 01:00:08,120 --> 01:00:10,920 Speaker 1: then also to that's another picking battle situation, like he 1293 01:00:11,000 --> 01:00:13,320 Speaker 1: felt strongly about that. I was on the fence. So 1294 01:00:13,360 --> 01:00:14,840 Speaker 1: it's like a bro, We're gonna rock with you because 1295 01:00:14,840 --> 01:00:17,640 Speaker 1: you feel strongly about it. If I'm gonna fight about that, like, 1296 01:00:17,680 --> 01:00:19,400 Speaker 1: I ain't have no better suggestions. I mean I did 1297 01:00:19,400 --> 01:00:21,120 Speaker 1: have a name that I liked, but I was like, whatever, 1298 01:00:21,280 --> 01:00:24,120 Speaker 1: like I would name you. Um, what was the name 1299 01:00:24,160 --> 01:00:28,000 Speaker 1: I had for Cairo? I think it was Jamison. I'd 1300 01:00:28,000 --> 01:00:30,040 Speaker 1: like Caro Jamison and you were like, you'ld have been 1301 01:00:30,040 --> 01:00:33,880 Speaker 1: an alcoholic. But no, don't put that on my baby. 1302 01:00:34,080 --> 01:00:35,720 Speaker 1: I rebuked that in the name of James. But your 1303 01:00:35,720 --> 01:00:39,000 Speaker 1: mother your issue with everything. She would have been the 1304 01:00:39,040 --> 01:00:44,520 Speaker 1: one to like Jamison like Liqua Lia. She totally would have. 1305 01:00:45,000 --> 01:00:46,840 Speaker 1: And don't be making my mom sild You've been making 1306 01:00:46,880 --> 01:00:49,640 Speaker 1: my mom so crazy. I mean you're not far off, 1307 01:00:49,640 --> 01:00:52,680 Speaker 1: but she'd be sounding crazy. So yeah, bro, I mean, 1308 01:00:53,040 --> 01:00:55,880 Speaker 1: thanks for writing and appreciate it. And I say, you know, 1309 01:00:56,080 --> 01:00:58,960 Speaker 1: traditions they made to have their own twists. So like me, 1310 01:00:59,000 --> 01:01:01,480 Speaker 1: I put my Christmas tree up October first to see it. 1311 01:01:01,560 --> 01:01:05,240 Speaker 1: What I don't care about this, this tradition that is Christmas. 1312 01:01:05,280 --> 01:01:06,800 Speaker 1: I'm gonna put my tree up when I feel like 1313 01:01:06,800 --> 01:01:08,880 Speaker 1: putting my tree up, and then what about it? And 1314 01:01:08,920 --> 01:01:11,880 Speaker 1: then talk and then what And then my husband was like, 1315 01:01:12,080 --> 01:01:13,480 Speaker 1: we're putting a tree up I'm a rock with you 1316 01:01:13,480 --> 01:01:15,480 Speaker 1: because you feel strongly about this tree going up on 1317 01:01:15,480 --> 01:01:22,240 Speaker 1: October first. Facts, bro, just call me Shook Knight, got 1318 01:01:22,320 --> 01:01:26,200 Speaker 1: your back, all right? All to a second second listener letter. 1319 01:01:27,640 --> 01:01:31,880 Speaker 1: I'm not going to use my name because sometimes my 1320 01:01:31,920 --> 01:01:37,000 Speaker 1: wife listens to your podcasts. All right, anonymous, So I'm 1321 01:01:37,000 --> 01:01:39,920 Speaker 1: just gonna say I'm Geehig. I've been married and we 1322 01:01:39,960 --> 01:01:42,440 Speaker 1: have two from guys today. This is nice. I've been 1323 01:01:42,480 --> 01:01:45,240 Speaker 1: married for seven years and together with my wife for eight. 1324 01:01:45,240 --> 01:01:48,120 Speaker 1: We've been through so much in our marriage, from evictions, 1325 01:01:48,160 --> 01:01:51,080 Speaker 1: my parents giving my wife verbal and emotional abuse because 1326 01:01:51,080 --> 01:01:53,960 Speaker 1: they don't like her. Because they don't like her. That's 1327 01:01:54,000 --> 01:01:56,360 Speaker 1: not funny, um, but it's just the way people phrase 1328 01:01:56,440 --> 01:02:00,640 Speaker 1: these things sometimes, unemployment, her having COVID nineteen and like everything, 1329 01:02:00,680 --> 01:02:03,320 Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, and still rolling. Wow. I hope she's better. 1330 01:02:03,680 --> 01:02:06,440 Speaker 1: Back in February, she said she wanted to separate because 1331 01:02:06,480 --> 01:02:08,680 Speaker 1: life is too much right now and marriage shouldn't be 1332 01:02:08,680 --> 01:02:11,760 Speaker 1: this hard. We just moved into an apartment together because 1333 01:02:11,800 --> 01:02:14,000 Speaker 1: I thought we were trying to work it out, but 1334 01:02:14,040 --> 01:02:18,000 Speaker 1: apparently she's just saving her money to leave. I say, 1335 01:02:18,120 --> 01:02:20,920 Speaker 1: let's try one more time, don't quit, But she says 1336 01:02:20,960 --> 01:02:25,080 Speaker 1: she's tired of trying. Recently, she even started talking to 1337 01:02:25,320 --> 01:02:28,080 Speaker 1: her ex after not talking to him for eight years. 1338 01:02:28,560 --> 01:02:31,280 Speaker 1: She swears that they're just friends, but man, come on, really, 1339 01:02:32,920 --> 01:02:35,560 Speaker 1: I want to keep trying, but she keeps saying why 1340 01:02:35,600 --> 01:02:38,160 Speaker 1: I'm thirty and she's thirty one and we have a 1341 01:02:38,240 --> 01:02:42,640 Speaker 1: six year old son. Do I try or give up? Oh? Bro? 1342 01:02:45,200 --> 01:02:47,920 Speaker 1: The first thing I'll say is, this has been a 1343 01:02:47,960 --> 01:02:51,800 Speaker 1: tough year for a lot of people. People, Um, it's 1344 01:02:53,160 --> 01:02:56,480 Speaker 1: marriage is going to be tough. I'm going to say that, right, 1345 01:02:56,680 --> 01:02:58,240 Speaker 1: But marriage is also a lot of fun. But what 1346 01:02:58,320 --> 01:03:01,760 Speaker 1: I will say this is these past eight months because 1347 01:03:01,760 --> 01:03:04,880 Speaker 1: of COVID has been extremely tough. And all I want 1348 01:03:04,880 --> 01:03:08,440 Speaker 1: to say is is this is an anomaly. You know, 1349 01:03:08,520 --> 01:03:10,400 Speaker 1: like we're not going to be going through a pandemic, 1350 01:03:10,920 --> 01:03:13,280 Speaker 1: and like, like we're going through a pandemic, This is 1351 01:03:13,320 --> 01:03:15,840 Speaker 1: not something that's going to be the new normal. You 1352 01:03:15,880 --> 01:03:19,240 Speaker 1: can't base your relationship, or your family, or your love 1353 01:03:19,320 --> 01:03:22,560 Speaker 1: life on what's happened in the last eight months. So 1354 01:03:22,560 --> 01:03:25,959 Speaker 1: if you're gonna make a decision moving forward, don't let 1355 01:03:26,280 --> 01:03:28,680 Speaker 1: these past eight months be a litmus test. Now, the 1356 01:03:28,720 --> 01:03:30,440 Speaker 1: one thing he did say that was kind of concerning 1357 01:03:30,440 --> 01:03:33,720 Speaker 1: what he said. She asked for a separation in February, 1358 01:03:33,920 --> 01:03:37,360 Speaker 1: which you means that was before them, So she asked 1359 01:03:37,360 --> 01:03:40,720 Speaker 1: for a separation, and then the pandemic kids have made 1360 01:03:40,760 --> 01:03:43,600 Speaker 1: it worse, and which means it was issues before. And 1361 01:03:43,600 --> 01:03:46,360 Speaker 1: I can tell you exactly what the issue is if 1362 01:03:46,640 --> 01:03:50,680 Speaker 1: your parents were verbally and physically abusive to your wife, 1363 01:03:51,760 --> 01:03:56,520 Speaker 1: verbally and emotionally abusive to your wife. Bro, you dropped 1364 01:03:56,520 --> 01:03:59,560 Speaker 1: the ball because Codeina. And if there's one thing that 1365 01:03:59,640 --> 01:04:02,440 Speaker 1: Codeine and I say when we have issues within our family, 1366 01:04:02,960 --> 01:04:05,160 Speaker 1: you know you you're my wife, like they want to 1367 01:04:05,240 --> 01:04:09,000 Speaker 1: check that, She'll say, like you're my husband. She got 1368 01:04:09,000 --> 01:04:11,720 Speaker 1: to come first. I know that's your parents, but you 1369 01:04:11,760 --> 01:04:15,880 Speaker 1: can't let anybody emotionally overably abuse your wife. That's just 1370 01:04:15,920 --> 01:04:18,400 Speaker 1: a no go. That's a no go. Bro. I don't 1371 01:04:18,400 --> 01:04:20,840 Speaker 1: know how long it went on, but I don't care. 1372 01:04:20,880 --> 01:04:23,640 Speaker 1: If they don't like your wife, that's part probably the 1373 01:04:23,680 --> 01:04:27,520 Speaker 1: reason why she feels like, you know, this has to 1374 01:04:27,560 --> 01:04:29,680 Speaker 1: be over not getting support from him and also to 1375 01:04:29,760 --> 01:04:34,200 Speaker 1: getting he should have been together for for eight years, 1376 01:04:34,320 --> 01:04:35,920 Speaker 1: married seven and that's quite a bit of a long time. 1377 01:04:35,920 --> 01:04:37,479 Speaker 1: You guys have a lot of history and like he said, 1378 01:04:37,480 --> 01:04:42,440 Speaker 1: evictions and so many different things that they've been through together. Um. 1379 01:04:42,560 --> 01:04:44,760 Speaker 1: The concerning part for me though, is like her talking 1380 01:04:44,760 --> 01:04:47,760 Speaker 1: to her X after eight years, like is this the 1381 01:04:47,960 --> 01:04:49,800 Speaker 1: X that you know? Sometimes people said there's the one 1382 01:04:49,800 --> 01:04:51,440 Speaker 1: that got away or the one that you just are 1383 01:04:51,760 --> 01:04:53,840 Speaker 1: There's like a one a lingering wonder of like what 1384 01:04:53,880 --> 01:04:56,400 Speaker 1: would have happened if we were together? I'm wondering if 1385 01:04:56,640 --> 01:04:58,680 Speaker 1: something like that has happened with her in this X, 1386 01:04:59,240 --> 01:05:01,480 Speaker 1: and if there's like some sort of rekindling happening, or 1387 01:05:01,520 --> 01:05:04,760 Speaker 1: if there's something going on where you know, he may 1388 01:05:04,760 --> 01:05:07,200 Speaker 1: be that shoulder to cry on because she's going through 1389 01:05:07,240 --> 01:05:09,880 Speaker 1: something right now. Well let's do I wonder if that 1390 01:05:09,920 --> 01:05:14,280 Speaker 1: impacts they've been together the eight years got married. They've 1391 01:05:14,280 --> 01:05:16,120 Speaker 1: been married for seven which means they've only known each 1392 01:05:16,120 --> 01:05:19,280 Speaker 1: other for a year and then got married. Maybe they 1393 01:05:19,280 --> 01:05:21,680 Speaker 1: got married for that year. I thought marriage were going 1394 01:05:21,720 --> 01:05:24,360 Speaker 1: to be something that it wasn't and they've been working 1395 01:05:24,400 --> 01:05:26,160 Speaker 1: on it. And then they have a six year old, 1396 01:05:26,320 --> 01:05:29,120 Speaker 1: So think about it, and they and he's thirty and 1397 01:05:29,160 --> 01:05:31,840 Speaker 1: she's thirty one. You see what I'm saying. So seven years, 1398 01:05:31,960 --> 01:05:38,400 Speaker 1: eight years, that's early tree, somebody you're together four years, four, 1399 01:05:38,480 --> 01:05:41,520 Speaker 1: you get married, you have a baby at five because 1400 01:05:41,560 --> 01:05:45,040 Speaker 1: the baby six. So now all of these life changes 1401 01:05:45,080 --> 01:05:48,960 Speaker 1: happened in the first four or five years of their marriage, right, 1402 01:05:49,000 --> 01:05:51,360 Speaker 1: And we're talking about this the twenties. We just thought 1403 01:05:51,360 --> 01:05:53,320 Speaker 1: about how the twenties are a crazy time for us. 1404 01:05:53,440 --> 01:05:56,400 Speaker 1: They didn't really know each other, and they probably changed. 1405 01:05:56,440 --> 01:05:58,520 Speaker 1: They changed. It seemed like they changed. It really does 1406 01:05:58,560 --> 01:06:01,760 Speaker 1: seem like they change. And I'm just gonna I'm gonna 1407 01:06:01,760 --> 01:06:04,520 Speaker 1: throw in some contexts. This may not be the case. 1408 01:06:04,640 --> 01:06:07,480 Speaker 1: But if y'all knew each other, got married, had a baby, 1409 01:06:07,640 --> 01:06:10,320 Speaker 1: your parents, especially that early, your parents probably didn't like 1410 01:06:10,360 --> 01:06:14,280 Speaker 1: her because your parents probably foresaw something between y'all that 1411 01:06:14,360 --> 01:06:16,960 Speaker 1: was moving too fast. That doesn't give them the right 1412 01:06:17,080 --> 01:06:19,680 Speaker 1: to disrespect her because you chose her as your wife, 1413 01:06:20,000 --> 01:06:23,240 Speaker 1: but they probably saw something that you couldn't see because 1414 01:06:23,240 --> 01:06:25,720 Speaker 1: they're your parents, right. Yeah, Usually parents see the writing 1415 01:06:25,720 --> 01:06:27,400 Speaker 1: on the wall before you do. So kind of like 1416 01:06:27,480 --> 01:06:29,760 Speaker 1: with your mom. Mom and your mom, Yeah, both were 1417 01:06:29,800 --> 01:06:31,680 Speaker 1: just kind of like you guys just need to be individuals. 1418 01:06:31,760 --> 01:06:36,520 Speaker 1: You know, you're make fun of them, but your mother 1419 01:06:36,640 --> 01:06:38,040 Speaker 1: be knowing as much as I make fun of me me, 1420 01:06:38,080 --> 01:06:39,880 Speaker 1: and you know, I love you Meemi, your mother be 1421 01:06:39,920 --> 01:06:41,800 Speaker 1: knowing and my mother as much as I make fun 1422 01:06:41,800 --> 01:06:43,480 Speaker 1: of her in the type face, and she'd be like, un, 1423 01:06:44,640 --> 01:06:49,439 Speaker 1: slow down the wedding, you know what's going on. They'd 1424 01:06:49,440 --> 01:06:53,360 Speaker 1: be knowing. Yeah, maybe he just needs to reevaluate, you know, 1425 01:06:53,440 --> 01:06:57,080 Speaker 1: if if this is what he wants to do, because um, 1426 01:06:57,080 --> 01:06:59,720 Speaker 1: they're still young. I mean the first five years of 1427 01:06:59,720 --> 01:07:06,000 Speaker 1: our marriage was the first five years, but we also 1428 01:07:06,080 --> 01:07:10,200 Speaker 1: had we were eight years prior to that, and also too, 1429 01:07:10,280 --> 01:07:13,240 Speaker 1: we were like die hard invested in making it work too, 1430 01:07:13,320 --> 01:07:14,720 Speaker 1: you know. And if she seemed that she kind of 1431 01:07:14,720 --> 01:07:17,200 Speaker 1: clocked out for whatever the reasons, maybe it could be 1432 01:07:17,240 --> 01:07:19,360 Speaker 1: one thing, it could be a compilation of things. I 1433 01:07:19,360 --> 01:07:21,880 Speaker 1: think it's worth having a very open, open and candid 1434 01:07:21,920 --> 01:07:24,160 Speaker 1: conversation with her bro and just seeing like, yo, this 1435 01:07:24,240 --> 01:07:27,000 Speaker 1: is where things are. I understand that in our twenties 1436 01:07:27,080 --> 01:07:30,280 Speaker 1: it was rough. We had a lot of different things happening. Um, 1437 01:07:30,320 --> 01:07:31,960 Speaker 1: you know, if you were willing to put the work 1438 01:07:31,960 --> 01:07:34,160 Speaker 1: in to move forward, you know, see if she's willing 1439 01:07:34,200 --> 01:07:36,920 Speaker 1: to meet you there, and if not, respect her space, 1440 01:07:37,440 --> 01:07:40,120 Speaker 1: move on and build build a happy life with you 1441 01:07:40,200 --> 01:07:42,320 Speaker 1: and your son as possible and be able to be 1442 01:07:42,400 --> 01:07:45,440 Speaker 1: co parents that can be amicable at least in agreeing 1443 01:07:45,480 --> 01:07:47,360 Speaker 1: on how you're going to raise your son. So because 1444 01:07:47,360 --> 01:07:49,080 Speaker 1: working things out just for the sake of the child 1445 01:07:49,120 --> 01:07:52,200 Speaker 1: typically does not work out exactly. You know, the kids know, 1446 01:07:52,400 --> 01:07:56,480 Speaker 1: the kids know they So good luck to you broh. Yeah, 1447 01:07:57,000 --> 01:07:58,880 Speaker 1: both of our guys that wrote in today, thank you 1448 01:07:58,920 --> 01:08:00,320 Speaker 1: guys so much. I love when I hear that guys 1449 01:08:00,360 --> 01:08:02,160 Speaker 1: are listening as well. I hope you'll listened to the 1450 01:08:02,160 --> 01:08:04,160 Speaker 1: girls so too, because they were fun. It was fun, 1451 01:08:05,000 --> 01:08:06,520 Speaker 1: We were funny. That was a good That was a 1452 01:08:06,520 --> 01:08:09,680 Speaker 1: good group. Alright, guys, Um, so, if you want to 1453 01:08:09,680 --> 01:08:11,720 Speaker 1: be featured as one of our listener letters, you know 1454 01:08:11,760 --> 01:08:15,040 Speaker 1: the deal, go ahead and email us as advice at 1455 01:08:15,080 --> 01:08:17,479 Speaker 1: gmail dot com. That's d E A D A d 1456 01:08:17,640 --> 01:08:20,680 Speaker 1: v I se you always missed this, always missed the 1457 01:08:22,200 --> 01:08:24,200 Speaker 1: never missed the eyes. You know what may come on? 1458 01:08:24,479 --> 01:08:26,479 Speaker 1: Let me trying it again. That's d E A D 1459 01:08:26,520 --> 01:08:29,680 Speaker 1: A S S A d v I c E at 1460 01:08:29,720 --> 01:08:34,920 Speaker 1: gmail dot com. All right, So a moment of truth 1461 01:08:35,000 --> 01:08:37,639 Speaker 1: when it comes to redefining marriage and all that stuff, 1462 01:08:38,680 --> 01:08:41,800 Speaker 1: I think my biggest one is not being afraid to 1463 01:08:43,400 --> 01:08:46,479 Speaker 1: redefine what marriage looks for, like for us. I think 1464 01:08:46,520 --> 01:08:49,360 Speaker 1: sometimes my problem is that I get into this routine 1465 01:08:49,360 --> 01:08:51,120 Speaker 1: of wanting things to be a certain kind of way, 1466 01:08:51,160 --> 01:08:52,600 Speaker 1: and I have it that way in my mind, and 1467 01:08:52,600 --> 01:08:54,320 Speaker 1: then it never pans out to be what it is. 1468 01:08:54,560 --> 01:08:58,080 Speaker 1: So being realistic and what my goals are on a 1469 01:08:58,120 --> 01:09:01,040 Speaker 1: day to day basis and real sessing what this total 1470 01:09:01,120 --> 01:09:04,479 Speaker 1: pole looks like for me um is very important. And 1471 01:09:04,520 --> 01:09:06,680 Speaker 1: realizing that I have to make a conscious effort to 1472 01:09:06,880 --> 01:09:11,280 Speaker 1: also make sure that you feel the love that I 1473 01:09:11,400 --> 01:09:15,439 Speaker 1: have for you all the time. I don't need it 1474 01:09:15,439 --> 01:09:17,519 Speaker 1: to be no deficits, and honestly, I need to make 1475 01:09:17,560 --> 01:09:21,800 Speaker 1: sure that I'm aware of where those those priorities are lying. 1476 01:09:21,800 --> 01:09:23,559 Speaker 1: And that's something I've been working on because I feel 1477 01:09:23,560 --> 01:09:26,040 Speaker 1: like we've been in a good space for you, so 1478 01:09:26,080 --> 01:09:28,320 Speaker 1: I've been like to keep it. Yes, I've been very deliberate, 1479 01:09:28,360 --> 01:09:30,880 Speaker 1: that's the word. I like that word. I've been very 1480 01:09:30,920 --> 01:09:33,760 Speaker 1: deliberate with where I'm placing my time lately and knowing 1481 01:09:33,760 --> 01:09:35,200 Speaker 1: that some things are going to have to wait and 1482 01:09:35,240 --> 01:09:36,679 Speaker 1: where I used to be like, you know what, damn, 1483 01:09:36,720 --> 01:09:41,599 Speaker 1: work can't wait because it's worked. No, Sometimes my sanity 1484 01:09:41,680 --> 01:09:44,759 Speaker 1: is priceless, my husband's sanity and our time together as priceless. 1485 01:09:44,800 --> 01:09:51,679 Speaker 1: So that's how I'm redefining my ship. Um, my moment 1486 01:09:51,720 --> 01:09:55,960 Speaker 1: of truth is I want to speak particularly to guys 1487 01:09:56,520 --> 01:10:02,080 Speaker 1: who grew up in an old school type of marriage. Um, 1488 01:10:02,120 --> 01:10:05,840 Speaker 1: being an alpha male and trying your hardest to be 1489 01:10:05,880 --> 01:10:09,760 Speaker 1: a provider doesn't mean that you control your wife. It 1490 01:10:09,840 --> 01:10:12,160 Speaker 1: means that you control everything around her so that she 1491 01:10:12,200 --> 01:10:16,400 Speaker 1: can make choices to help herself and help you be 1492 01:10:16,479 --> 01:10:19,000 Speaker 1: the better version of yourself. That you can be like 1493 01:10:19,080 --> 01:10:23,920 Speaker 1: that controlling everything around her, she can be what she 1494 01:10:23,960 --> 01:10:26,400 Speaker 1: needs to be. That really then to me, that really 1495 01:10:26,520 --> 01:10:31,160 Speaker 1: that really shows your ability as an alpha my wife, 1496 01:10:31,160 --> 01:10:33,080 Speaker 1: like I got, I got everything around my wife, and 1497 01:10:33,120 --> 01:10:36,000 Speaker 1: my wife feels comfortable moving around. I'm controlling all of 1498 01:10:36,000 --> 01:10:39,519 Speaker 1: that as opposed to trying to control her. I control 1499 01:10:39,520 --> 01:10:41,400 Speaker 1: everything around her so she can move freely. Because if 1500 01:10:41,439 --> 01:10:43,720 Speaker 1: she can move freely and she can do the things 1501 01:10:43,760 --> 01:10:45,479 Speaker 1: she want, ultimately that loves you go and come back 1502 01:10:45,479 --> 01:10:47,599 Speaker 1: to you. And that's been working. That's why I think, 1503 01:10:49,080 --> 01:10:51,280 Speaker 1: and that's how that's how in turn, as women can 1504 01:10:51,320 --> 01:10:53,760 Speaker 1: just be happier with the spaces that we're in knowing 1505 01:10:53,800 --> 01:10:56,280 Speaker 1: that we do have the autonomy over our lives to 1506 01:10:56,280 --> 01:10:58,559 Speaker 1: be able to do a little bit of this and 1507 01:10:58,600 --> 01:11:00,599 Speaker 1: do a little bit of that, and do it well 1508 01:11:00,680 --> 01:11:03,640 Speaker 1: to make ourselves happy, and in turn, that happy just 1509 01:11:03,680 --> 01:11:06,360 Speaker 1: spills all over. And I'll say this when you when 1510 01:11:06,360 --> 01:11:08,840 Speaker 1: you create the space around your wife, your wife will 1511 01:11:08,880 --> 01:11:12,160 Speaker 1: spoil you. My wife spoils me. Now that I found 1512 01:11:12,800 --> 01:11:15,080 Speaker 1: I found that that nice area to where I help 1513 01:11:15,120 --> 01:11:16,720 Speaker 1: it would do a little this thing there and that 1514 01:11:16,760 --> 01:11:18,400 Speaker 1: a little thing that she spoils me. You know what 1515 01:11:18,400 --> 01:11:20,799 Speaker 1: I'm saying, Like the things that happened, and I'd be like, oh, 1516 01:11:21,000 --> 01:11:26,240 Speaker 1: it was nice, you know. Plus it's just it's just 1517 01:11:27,360 --> 01:11:32,280 Speaker 1: it's part of being absolutely that, as the saying goes, 1518 01:11:32,840 --> 01:11:35,320 Speaker 1: I take your of you, you take care of us 1519 01:11:35,400 --> 01:11:41,920 Speaker 1: absolutely a list be sure to find us on social media. 1520 01:11:42,000 --> 01:11:45,360 Speaker 1: That's dead Ass the podcast and of course you know 1521 01:11:45,400 --> 01:11:48,240 Speaker 1: where to find me Cadine I am and I am devout. 1522 01:11:48,280 --> 01:11:50,639 Speaker 1: And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, 1523 01:11:51,080 --> 01:11:54,920 Speaker 1: review and subscribe. Yes, sir, thank you all for listening. 1524 01:11:55,000 --> 01:12:01,120 Speaker 1: Love y'all. Dead As dead Ass is a production of 1525 01:12:01,160 --> 01:12:03,640 Speaker 1: I Heart Media podcast Network, and it is produced by 1526 01:12:03,680 --> 01:12:07,640 Speaker 1: Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at 1527 01:12:07,680 --> 01:12:09,800 Speaker 1: dead as the Podcasts and never miss a thing