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Speaker 1: This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for

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Speaker 1: all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like drug abuse,

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Speaker 1: domestic violence, suicidal thoughts, and sexual assault. Listener discretion is advised.

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Speaker 1: Episode seven The Roach Motel. So I talked about my

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Speaker 1: early memory of spending Christmas in the CD motel with

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Speaker 1: my mom, But actually we spend a lot more time

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Speaker 1: in motels than I care to remember. When I was

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Speaker 1: a teenager, we ended up living at a motel. It

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Speaker 1: was a perfect place for a broke addict and their family,

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Speaker 1: and that was my mom. As a kid, I hadn't

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Speaker 1: really noticed the cracks in the walls, the stains on

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Speaker 1: the bedspreads, and the Cigarett burns on the carpets. But

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Speaker 1: as a teenager, it was kind of hard to look

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Speaker 1: away from the grim reality of these kinds of motels

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Speaker 1: and what it meant for my family. Weirdly enough, my

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Speaker 1: mom has fond memories of this time, even now. She

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Speaker 1: could do her business deals, get high and be with

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Speaker 1: her family. Me Andrea and Daniela a little family in

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Speaker 1: the Roach Motel. Andrea and Dnila were too young to

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Speaker 1: understand what was happening. They just went along with it.

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Speaker 1: Just like I did as a kid. But I was

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Speaker 1: starting to realize that this wasn't what I wanted. So

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Speaker 1: in this episode, I want to talk to my mom

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Speaker 1: about this time what I think of as the motel years,

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Speaker 1: when I first started to question our life. I started

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Speaker 1: to pull away as I was drifting apart from my mom.

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Speaker 1: Did she even realize that's what was happening? How is

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Speaker 1: she feeling? I'm emmy and this is crumbs. It's to

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Speaker 1: show about the things we settle for and the bits

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Speaker 1: of ourselves that make us who we are. So, Mom,

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Speaker 1: during my teenage years, I was starting to change. I

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Speaker 1: think at this time as a time when my life

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Speaker 1: was moving very fast. I was living with you at

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Speaker 1: La Nola, which is like this little roach motel.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, where I thought we had a happy little family

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Speaker 2: because you were helping me with my drugs and all that.

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Speaker 2: So I thought we were cool.

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Speaker 1: And that's when I learned how to sell Nichols and

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Speaker 1: dimes so heroin.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I was so proud.

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Speaker 1: What was happening. I was helping you with selling drugs

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Speaker 1: and we were going to Tijuana to teach you a lot.

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Speaker 1: To your friend Letty's place.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I met her in Lascoolness, which is the Women's

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Speaker 2: Joe in San Diego, where I did a few bids

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Speaker 2: throughout my addiction. She told me come to my house

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Speaker 2: so that I'll help you. You know, we can make

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Speaker 2: some money blah blah blah. And a lot of people

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Speaker 2: say that, you know, but I don't know something about her.

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Speaker 2: I went over there, and sure enough she gave me

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Speaker 2: a big old ball of heroin and we were selling heroin.

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Speaker 2: You and I going back and forth to Mexico.

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Speaker 1: I spent my summer there. I learned how to drive

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Speaker 1: that summer. I think you taught me how to drive

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Speaker 1: in Mexico. The little red car.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that was a great little car.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, that was our life for a while. And

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Speaker 1: I went along with it, but deep down I did

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Speaker 1: on a different life away from the drugs. And then

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Speaker 1: my next memory is Memilycha getting out of prison. I

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Speaker 1: remember that day so clearly. We go to pick her up.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it was like the crack of dawn. I remember that.

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Speaker 2: And then Papabeto, you and I drove up to that

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Speaker 2: federal detention center and then she walks out to meet us.

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Speaker 1: And I could just see like she had long gray curls.

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Speaker 1: They were just like balancing and like that was like

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Speaker 1: one of the biggest joys because I missed her so

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Speaker 1: much and I hadn't seen her in such a long time.

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Speaker 2: She just looked so beautiful and as powerful as ever,

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Speaker 2: and I remember thinking to myself, not even prison could

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Speaker 2: bring her down. I just wanted her to hold me

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Speaker 2: in her arms and then I would know that I

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Speaker 2: had nothing to worry about. We would all be one

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Speaker 2: happy family now. But instead she took only you in

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Speaker 2: her arms, and just like that, whatever small bond or

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Speaker 2: connection you and I had while she was gone just

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Speaker 2: went away.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. She was the only stable person in my life,

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Speaker 1: and I missed her so much. I was just so

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Speaker 1: hopeful that things would go back to how it was

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Speaker 1: when I was a kid, and it didn't.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. I think we were all expecting a little too much

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Speaker 2: from her, including herself.

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Speaker 1: So she gets out nearly after ten years in prison,

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Speaker 1: but she comes home to nothing. You spent all her money.

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Speaker 1: Was she pissed when she realized what you'd done?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? She was pretty mad.

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Speaker 1: Were you scared?

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Speaker 2: I was an addict, and so my thinking process was

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Speaker 2: so different. Whatever I did wrong, she would fix it

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Speaker 2: and then everything would be okay. So it wasn't a

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Speaker 2: big deal to me.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, but you had sold everything, You destroyed everything, her

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Speaker 1: whole empire, everything she'd ever worked for.

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Speaker 2: Okay, Well, it wasn't like she was a human rights

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Speaker 2: activist or anything. She worked with the Mexican drug cartel.

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Speaker 2: I don't know. I just feel like you have a

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Speaker 2: double standard when it comes to her. You always take

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Speaker 2: her side no matter what.

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Speaker 1: I mean. I think that's fair. Do It's just it's heavier.

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Speaker 1: I don't know, And I think because I'm so much

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Speaker 1: more like her, it's easier for me to defend her.

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Speaker 1: And see, when Mamilita was in jail, my memory is

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Speaker 1: that things were way more chaotic in terms of the drugs.

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Speaker 1: So maybe I still say it mamilicha with safety, even

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Speaker 1: though it's not really fair to you.

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Speaker 2: And I'd been selling drugs on my own before. But

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Speaker 2: when she got back into working, immediately we all started

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Speaker 2: working for her again. It was like old times. At

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Speaker 2: least we thought it was going to be the same.

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Speaker 1: Even though she knew about your addiction. So what do

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Speaker 1: you think was going through her mind?

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Speaker 2: You have to remember that Mammy Lecha's addiction was money,

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Speaker 2: so even though she knew about my addiction, it was

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Speaker 2: okay for me to do my dirt under her terms.

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Speaker 2: I mean, it kind of makes sense to me because

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Speaker 2: if I was working for her, she could sort of

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Speaker 2: take care of me, control me, that's for sure. It's

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Speaker 2: so different from you know, selling nickels and dimes on

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Speaker 2: the street to other addicts.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and again I thought she'd come in and fix things,

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Speaker 1: but this wasn't a fix. So then during this time,

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Speaker 1: I am like helping you sell the drugs, and then

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Speaker 1: what happens.

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Speaker 2: I think you just got tired of being there with us.

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Speaker 2: You know that it's not what you wanted, and you

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Speaker 2: started not caring for what we were doing. And I'm

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Speaker 2: trying to think when did all that change, because all

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Speaker 2: of a sudden you were like, I'm done, And I

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Speaker 2: think you weren't just done with me, but with Mami

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Speaker 2: Litcha as well, because you just you decided to move

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Speaker 2: to your nanas.

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Speaker 1: I don't know exactly when that changed for me. I

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Speaker 1: love money too. First of all, I thought of my

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Speaker 1: grandma was like, if she goes to prison, like she's

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Speaker 1: going to die in prison because she's never gonna get

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Speaker 1: out and I think it was mostly a defense mechanism.

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Speaker 1: That's when my wall started going up and not letting

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Speaker 1: people in because you know, I was depressed. I had

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Speaker 1: a suicide attempt at fourteen, and I realized the effect

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Speaker 1: that people could have on me. So I started building

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Speaker 1: this wall, this armor to protect me. I have to

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Speaker 1: start protecting myself because nobody's going to protect me. You know,

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Speaker 1: when I was at my nanas, I was living a

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Speaker 1: whole different life because even though I didn't have the

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Speaker 1: fancy things or whatever, I had a home, I had

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Speaker 1: my own room, I had to rise to school. I

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Speaker 1: finally have stability. I'm just trying to stay out of

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Speaker 1: all this chaos. So what was going on while I

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Speaker 1: was leaving with my grandparents.

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Speaker 2: There was a lot going on. We were working for Mamilichia,

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Speaker 2: and that's around the time that Geko and I we

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Speaker 2: started mixing heroin and meth. When I look back now,

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Speaker 2: starting the myth use was one of the worst things

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Speaker 2: I could have ever done. Kiko found out I was

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Speaker 2: using it, so of course I talked him into using

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Speaker 2: it as well, and he loved it. And all these

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Speaker 2: demons came out in us. I was seeing things I

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Speaker 2: was talking to people that weren't there. I was using heroin,

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Speaker 2: meth pills, cocaine, everything that I could get my hands

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Speaker 2: on a daily basis. I was just so saturated with

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Speaker 2: drugs that it didn't matter who I had to hurt,

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Speaker 2: whose feelings I had to hurt, or what I had

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Speaker 2: to do to get what I needed to be Okay, Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I think for me, I was starting to see that

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Speaker 1: just like out of control you were, and how you

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Speaker 1: didn't really seem to pay attention to us unless it

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Speaker 1: was to help you with your drugs. And I'm starting

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Speaker 1: to see that you're probably never going to change. It's

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Speaker 1: always going to be like this.

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Speaker 2: And then I get pregnant with Adrian. When I found

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Speaker 2: out I was pregnant with Adrian, I was heavily into

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Speaker 2: the heroin and myth speedballs were living in a hotel,

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Speaker 2: and I was like, fuck, like I have to make

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Speaker 2: a choice, you know.

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Speaker 1: I mean, it's not funny, but it's like my bige

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Speaker 1: pregnancy disrupted your drug use exactly. Am I the only

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Speaker 1: child you weren't using drugs with during your pregnancy? Yeah?

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Speaker 2: Pretty much.

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Speaker 1: Wow, it's crazy to think about that.

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Speaker 2: Why had you at fourteen I didn't start using heroin

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Speaker 2: until I was sixteen. I was just a kid.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just so sad to hear to realize that

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Speaker 1: I can't imagine, like right now, seeing sixteen year old

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Speaker 1: showed up.

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Speaker 2: It's just, oh, yeah, it is really sad because I

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Speaker 2: could never imagine one of my grandchildren right now that

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Speaker 2: are teenagers doing not even a part of what I

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Speaker 2: was doing at that age. I'm pregnant with Adrian and

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Speaker 2: I go to jail, which was a really good thing

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Speaker 2: because I was like two months pregnant, maybe three at

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Speaker 2: the most, and still using, so you know, my whole

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Speaker 2: pregnancy I was in jail. That pregnancy pretty much saved

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Speaker 2: my life at that time. I got out like maybe

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Speaker 2: two three weeks before he was born. While I'm in jail,

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Speaker 2: Papa Do and Kiko are working for your grandma, like

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Speaker 2: they're the ones doing all the movement. So Kiko's crossing

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Speaker 2: the border almost every day with a car full of drugs,

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Speaker 2: and he's taking Andrea and Daniela with them. And when

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Speaker 2: I found out, I was so mad, so so mad.

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Speaker 2: But was I mad because he was using my daughters

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Speaker 2: to pass drugs or was I mad because I wasn't

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Speaker 2: a part of it. You know. Andrea and Danilla started

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Speaker 2: arguing over who was going next, you know, because it

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Speaker 2: was fun for them.

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Speaker 1: You know, it wasn't fun for me. I can tell

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Speaker 1: you that, Like, that does not sound fun for me.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: No.

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Speaker 2: You would come over and see like everything that was

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Speaker 2: going on or hear what we were talking about, and

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Speaker 2: you were just like disgusted with everybody. I kind of

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Speaker 2: didn't want you coming around because they would ruin and

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Speaker 2: kill the vibe.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm the vibe killer. I didn't want the hotels

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Speaker 1: and the drugs and chaos anymore. It was scary. So

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Speaker 1: I was living this peaceful life at my Nana and

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Speaker 1: my Tata's. But then I get sucked back into it

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Speaker 1: after Adrian is born.

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Speaker 2: Adrian looks so much like you as a baby, those

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Speaker 2: beautiful blue eyes and blonde hair. And I remember I

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Speaker 2: had a C section, so I was probably passed out,

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Speaker 2: and when I opened my eyes, there you were in

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Speaker 2: that yellow hospital town and you were holding your brother.

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Speaker 2: You were looking at him with such tenderness, you were

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Speaker 2: touching his forehead with your finger. I didn't want that

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Speaker 2: moment to stop. I have that so engraved in my memory.

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Speaker 1: I remember that he was little mini me. When Agent

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Speaker 1: was born, I had mixed feelings. I was very happy

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Speaker 1: to be there for his birth and to see how

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Speaker 1: cute he was and how tender he was, But at

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Speaker 1: the same time, I felt this immense sadness because the

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Speaker 1: kind of life that you were living. I knew what

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Speaker 1: he was coming into, but I didn't know how to

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Speaker 1: help him. I felt really powerless just to think about

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Speaker 1: how you were living.

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Speaker 2: We're living in motels, and it was hard living with

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Speaker 2: a newborn baby in a motel. So that's when I

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Speaker 2: went and dropped them off at Mammy Lecha's.

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Speaker 1: So Mamilcha takes over as his parent too. Well, I

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Speaker 1: was a mess, You're out of control, So she takes over.

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Speaker 2: Yes, she took over, and when he was about three

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Speaker 2: months old completely and then one night I remember Mami

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Speaker 2: leaching Papabeto. They went to this casino that they used

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Speaker 2: to go to often, and I was the only one

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Speaker 2: home with Adrian. And this is the time when I

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Speaker 2: was heavily into Crystal meth. I was actually putting him

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Speaker 2: down for a nap, and I'm the one that fell asleep.

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Speaker 2: When I woke up to him full of myth, you know,

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Speaker 2: and a little bag in his hand.

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Speaker 1: A six month old baby found your drugs.

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Speaker 2: We snuck him out of the house and we went

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Speaker 2: to like a crack house, a party house, and where

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Speaker 2: everyone's up all night, just so we could spend time

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Speaker 2: with him, to watch him and make sure he was okay.

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Speaker 1: And I forgot why I came over. Did you call me?

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Speaker 2: No, I didn't call you. You just showed up that night.

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Speaker 2: I remember thinking, oh shit, this is about to get real,

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Speaker 2: and sure enough, you kept trying to take the baby

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Speaker 2: from me.

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Speaker 1: I really thought he was going to die, but I

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Speaker 1: was scared to take him to the hospital because I

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Speaker 1: thought they were going to take him away from us,

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Speaker 1: which they would have.

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Speaker 2: We had to help this baby ourselves. You know. That's

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Speaker 2: the type of people that I guess we always were.

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Speaker 1: You know, even now hearing that it makes me feel uncomfortable.

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Speaker 1: I just remember staying up all night watching him, being

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Speaker 1: so scared, and just trying so hard to keep him

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Speaker 1: away from you. Like I knew I had to keep

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Speaker 1: him away from you, and I was just praying that

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Speaker 1: he stayed alive and he lived through it, yes, thank god.

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Speaker 1: And I don't think i've ever been. I'm so mad

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Speaker 1: at you as I was in that moment. I was

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Speaker 1: so I was furious.

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Speaker 2: You were and I was really scared. It was so

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Speaker 2: hard for me because again I had to choose between

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Speaker 2: if I take him to the hospital, they're going to

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Speaker 2: take him away, I'm going back to jail. But if

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Speaker 2: I don't, he's going to die. And there's nothing I

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Speaker 2: could say or do to ever make that right. Not

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Speaker 2: for you, for him.

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Speaker 1: I mean before I was so frustrated with your addiction.

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Speaker 1: I was starting to pull away. If I didn't know

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Speaker 1: what was going on, I couldn't be hurt by it.

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Speaker 1: But then this happens, and I felt this huge pressure

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Speaker 1: to get back involved.

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Speaker 2: It's like you went right back into caregiver mode.

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Speaker 1: This moment with Adrian changed everything for me. Now it's

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Speaker 1: not just my mom at risk or even me, it's

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Speaker 1: my baby brother. And so now we get to the

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Speaker 1: crossroads of what it's like to have an attict as

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Speaker 1: a parent. I was trying to make a choice to

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Speaker 1: distance myself from my mom and from the pain that

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Speaker 1: she was causing me. Being an addict. She couldn't see

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Speaker 1: beyond her knee for the chemical that would make her

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Speaker 1: feel okay enough to live. Her need for this drug

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Speaker 1: shaped her decisions and her life and ours. So I

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Speaker 1: thought if I didn't know what was happening, it couldn't

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Speaker 1: hurt me. But that didn't help either. We could have

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Speaker 1: lost my brother Adrian and Andrean Daniela, who were in

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Speaker 1: the thick of it. I realized that nobody was coming

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Speaker 1: to save us, not my mom and not Mammy Richa.

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Speaker 1: So I had to make a decision. Do I walk

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Speaker 1: away and try to save myself or do I stay

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Speaker 1: and risk my mom's addiction bringing us all down with

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Speaker 1: her next time on crumbs.

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Speaker 2: I shouldn't even be alive right now.

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Speaker 1: I just got handed a twelve year old kid, and

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Speaker 1: I'm eighteen. I just graduated from high school. I don't

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Speaker 1: know how to be a parent. Hey, listeners, there's a

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Speaker 1: lot of difficult subjects that we cover in this show.

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Speaker 1: If you're someone you know needs help, you can reach

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Speaker 1: the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration Hotline at

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Speaker 1: one eight hundred six six ' two four three five seven.

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Speaker 1: They'll connect you with information and resources on treatment. There's

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Speaker 1: also the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at one eight hundred

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Speaker 1: two seven three TA l K. Both are available twenty

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Speaker 1: four seven. You don't have to be in crisis to

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Speaker 1: reach out either. They're available for anyone who needs help.

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Speaker 1: Crumbs is a Sonato production in partnership with Iheart's Michael

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Speaker 1: Dura Network and Trojan Horse. It's produced by Hannah Bottom

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Speaker 1: and edited by Margaret Catcher, Rodrigo Crespo and Alex Umero,

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Speaker 1: with support from Elizabeth Schutzeo. Original music by Die Peter

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Speaker 1: Schmidt and engineering by Carols Magagna Emanuel Barra Studio, Recording

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Speaker 1: by JTV Recording and Podcasting Studio. Executive produced by Cono

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Speaker 1: Byrne and Giselvan Says for iHeart, Alex Fumetro and Margaret

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Speaker 1: Catcher for Trojan Horse, Camilla Victoriano and Joshua Weinstein for

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Speaker 1: Sonoro and me Emmi OLEA special things to Marina Coronella

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Speaker 1: Gire and of course my mom Il de Gambois. Listen

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Speaker 1: to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

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Speaker 1: you get your podcasts