WEBVTT - 4 Relationship Struggles We Go Through and 6 Steps to Connect More Deeply 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:02.000 At the end of a workday, we're all on like 0:00:02.080 --> 0:00:05.000 three percent battery life, and instead of charging up again, 0:00:05.240 --> 0:00:09.280 we expect more from that three percent, only for people 0:00:09.320 --> 0:00:11.559 to shut down on us. And we often say that, hey, 0:00:11.560 --> 0:00:13.760 why do you always shut down? Oh you work so 0:00:13.840 --> 0:00:16.040 hard at work, but you shut down when you're with me. 0:00:16.640 --> 0:00:27.320 We shut down because we're already depleted. Hey everyone, welcome 0:00:27.360 --> 0:00:30.200 back to our Purpose, the number one health podcast in 0:00:30.240 --> 0:00:32.239 the world. Thanks to each and every one of you 0:00:32.600 --> 0:00:37.680 that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now. 0:00:38.000 --> 0:00:42.280 I am so excited for today's episode because it's been 0:00:42.360 --> 0:00:47.080 something that I've been thinking about a lot, and as 0:00:47.120 --> 0:00:51.640 you know, I've been focusing so much on our relationships, 0:00:51.840 --> 0:00:58.000 romantic friendships, family community this year and my new book 0:00:58.120 --> 0:01:01.080 Eight Rules of Love, which is releasing on the thirty 0:01:01.120 --> 0:01:04.840 first of January, that you can preorder right now, and 0:01:04.920 --> 0:01:09.200 when you preorder, you get my free workshop on the 0:01:09.400 --> 0:01:13.120 eight Cliches of Love. This free workshop is only for 0:01:13.160 --> 0:01:15.880 those who pre order the book before the thirty feet 0:01:15.920 --> 0:01:18.800 of January, and I walk you through some of the 0:01:18.840 --> 0:01:24.080 cliches that we've been told about love and whether science 0:01:24.120 --> 0:01:27.360 shows them to be true or false. So whether you 0:01:27.400 --> 0:01:30.080 think about love at first sight or whether you think 0:01:30.120 --> 0:01:33.960 about waiting for the one. I actually debunk a lot 0:01:34.000 --> 0:01:37.520 of those myths. As you can tell, I've been obsessed 0:01:37.520 --> 0:01:40.839 with love and relationships because I feel the pandemic led 0:01:40.920 --> 0:01:46.920 us to being less connected, less closer, and less able 0:01:47.400 --> 0:01:51.160 to form deep bonds. Also because I keep talking to 0:01:51.240 --> 0:01:55.040 people who find that they're winning in so many areas 0:01:55.040 --> 0:01:59.640 of their life but losing in relationships. How many people 0:01:59.680 --> 0:02:01.960 do you know that feel like they're winning in their passion, 0:02:01.960 --> 0:02:05.400 on their business, but feel like they're struggling in their 0:02:05.480 --> 0:02:08.679 love life. How many people do you know that are 0:02:09.200 --> 0:02:13.160 successful at being great friends but are struggling to find 0:02:13.200 --> 0:02:17.040 that partner. In this episode, I'm going to break down 0:02:17.639 --> 0:02:22.600 the four key challenges that every relationship will go through 0:02:23.240 --> 0:02:27.280 and how to have a new perspective to think about 0:02:27.320 --> 0:02:31.200 it differently. You're going to find that these four key 0:02:31.240 --> 0:02:34.280 issues we talk about are universal. You're going to be 0:02:34.320 --> 0:02:37.560 listening and thinking, jay I broke up with my ex 0:02:37.600 --> 0:02:40.800 because of that, I'm struggling with my present partner because 0:02:40.840 --> 0:02:44.280 of that. I'm scared of getting into another relationship because 0:02:44.320 --> 0:02:47.560 of that. Right, the themes and the insights in this 0:02:47.639 --> 0:02:51.240 episode are going to help you, whether you're single, whether 0:02:51.280 --> 0:02:55.440 you're in a committed relationship, or whether you just broke up. 0:02:55.919 --> 0:02:58.000 I want this to be an episode that you'll also 0:02:58.080 --> 0:03:01.000 pass on to your friends because I find that, as 0:03:01.000 --> 0:03:04.480 I always say, we haven't been educated on how to 0:03:04.520 --> 0:03:08.440 have healthy relationships. We haven't gone to a class or 0:03:08.600 --> 0:03:12.839 learned how to build real connection, and so we keep 0:03:12.880 --> 0:03:15.960 waiting for the right person. We keep looking for the one, 0:03:16.080 --> 0:03:19.840 We keep hoping that this person is going to miraculously appear, 0:03:20.800 --> 0:03:24.800 that we don't realize that it's something we have to learn, understand, 0:03:24.960 --> 0:03:28.160 break down, and create. So I'm going to walk you 0:03:28.240 --> 0:03:31.720 through these four key challenges and issues that every relationship 0:03:31.760 --> 0:03:34.040 will go through. I'm going to share with you the 0:03:34.160 --> 0:03:37.080 insights and the takeaways, and I want you to make 0:03:37.120 --> 0:03:39.440 notes if you can on this one. If you are walking, 0:03:39.720 --> 0:03:43.320 or you are moving around, or you're driving, that's absolutely fine. 0:03:43.400 --> 0:03:45.760 Make sure you take a screenshot and come back to 0:03:45.800 --> 0:03:48.560 this one. And I want to say thank you to 0:03:48.640 --> 0:03:52.000 everyone who's been leaving reviews recently. I have been reading 0:03:52.040 --> 0:03:55.520 them and truly brown away by your love and your 0:03:55.560 --> 0:04:00.040 commitment to on purpose. I appreciate you. I'm grateful to you. 0:04:00.240 --> 0:04:03.440 And I cannot wait for you to listen to this episode. 0:04:04.000 --> 0:04:06.160 So I want to dive in with the first one. 0:04:06.280 --> 0:04:11.040 So the first challenge is something that I know everyone's 0:04:11.080 --> 0:04:14.400 going to be able to relate to. I recently shared 0:04:14.760 --> 0:04:19.320 a section of a Q and A session I did 0:04:19.800 --> 0:04:23.359 on my Instagram page. It went absolutely viral Instagram and TikTok. 0:04:23.400 --> 0:04:25.880 I could see that a lot of you resonated with it. 0:04:26.320 --> 0:04:28.680 And I was talking about a friend of mine who 0:04:28.800 --> 0:04:32.800 just got back from a vacation with her partner. She 0:04:33.000 --> 0:04:36.599 was telling me that she didn't fell she spent any 0:04:36.640 --> 0:04:38.520 time with him. And I was like, well, you just 0:04:38.560 --> 0:04:40.599 went away. What do you mean And she said, well, 0:04:41.000 --> 0:04:43.920 he was on his laptop, and then he was on 0:04:43.960 --> 0:04:46.480 his tablet, and then he was reading his book, and 0:04:46.520 --> 0:04:50.040 I didn't really spend any time with him. And I said, well, 0:04:50.400 --> 0:04:53.280 the challenges you're not really asking for time. You're asking 0:04:53.279 --> 0:04:57.920 for presents. You're asking for energy. But the word you're 0:04:58.000 --> 0:05:00.880 using his time. So in his eyes, spent the weekend 0:05:00.920 --> 0:05:03.800 with you, he spent time with you. But really what 0:05:03.880 --> 0:05:06.719 we're looking for his energy, what we're looking for his presence. 0:05:07.200 --> 0:05:09.359 And what we find is that even when we're in 0:05:09.400 --> 0:05:12.400 the same space. Even when we're in the same room 0:05:12.520 --> 0:05:17.200 as our partners, if they are distracted while watching a 0:05:17.279 --> 0:05:21.680 show on their phone, on their laptop doing some work, 0:05:22.240 --> 0:05:26.080 we know that their attention isn't with us. And therefore, 0:05:26.200 --> 0:05:28.599 even if someone sits with us for an hour or 0:05:28.640 --> 0:05:33.320 two hours or three hours, it feels like less than 0:05:33.440 --> 0:05:36.960 three minutes. And even more than this, it feels worse. 0:05:37.880 --> 0:05:41.080 If you don't see someone. It's different than when you 0:05:41.200 --> 0:05:45.080 see them but you don't feel seen. How many times 0:05:45.080 --> 0:05:48.039 have you sat with someone you can see them in 0:05:48.120 --> 0:05:52.039 front of you, but you don't feel seen. It's worse 0:05:52.040 --> 0:05:54.760 than if you didn't see them that week. And this 0:05:54.920 --> 0:06:01.200 term is such a common experience that it's called techno ferens. 0:06:01.200 --> 0:06:06.000 And one study found that techno ferens, where computers, phones, tablets, 0:06:06.080 --> 0:06:11.800 or TVs interrupt couples everyday. Interactions occurred in around seventy 0:06:11.839 --> 0:06:15.520 percent of relationships. Now, I don't know a relationship that 0:06:15.600 --> 0:06:17.840 doesn't have this challenge, so I'm sure that's more like 0:06:17.839 --> 0:06:21.240 one hundred percent. But in another study, thirty eight percent 0:06:21.320 --> 0:06:26.480 of partners said they even sent texts or emails during 0:06:26.600 --> 0:06:30.800 conversations with their partners. Right, how many of you know 0:06:31.440 --> 0:06:34.680 that you're constantly dealing with this where you're trying to 0:06:34.720 --> 0:06:37.279 talk to your partner but they're checking the results of 0:06:37.320 --> 0:06:40.640 the game, or you're trying to communicate with your partner 0:06:41.160 --> 0:06:44.599 but they're distracted because they're thinking about something at work, 0:06:45.360 --> 0:06:48.320 or how many of you have noticed your partners say yes, yes, yes, 0:06:48.360 --> 0:06:51.200 I'm with you, but then their phone rings and they 0:06:51.200 --> 0:06:54.479 immediately go to grab it. This can be okay in 0:06:54.520 --> 0:06:57.000 the beginning. You can tolerate it, you can understand it. 0:06:57.080 --> 0:07:00.640 But it starts to wear on us. It starts to 0:07:00.680 --> 0:07:04.680 create challenges, it starts to create stress. And I know 0:07:04.800 --> 0:07:07.560 many many of you can relate to this. So how 0:07:07.600 --> 0:07:10.320 do we navigate this? The first thing I want you 0:07:10.400 --> 0:07:13.520 to do is I want you to set a rule 0:07:14.240 --> 0:07:19.560 that when you want your partners undivided attention, you communicate that. 0:07:20.520 --> 0:07:22.720 I think instead of saying I hope we can spend 0:07:22.720 --> 0:07:26.680 time together or I hope we can hang tonight together. 0:07:27.280 --> 0:07:30.960 When you want their undivided attention because you have something 0:07:31.000 --> 0:07:35.720 important to share or something important to communicate, say to them, 0:07:36.440 --> 0:07:41.520 when can we have some undivided attention time? When can 0:07:41.560 --> 0:07:44.600 I sit with you? When you will have the opportunity 0:07:44.960 --> 0:07:48.320 to fully listen. I know you have a lot going on. 0:07:48.960 --> 0:07:50.760 I know that there are a lot of demands on 0:07:50.880 --> 0:07:55.400 your time. When is the right time the challenges? We 0:07:55.480 --> 0:07:59.200 often want now to be the right time. We want 0:07:59.240 --> 0:08:01.920 whenever we want to be the right time to be 0:08:02.000 --> 0:08:05.320 the right time for them, And often out of fear 0:08:05.960 --> 0:08:08.560 or pressure, our partner can say, shure, so sure, I'm 0:08:08.600 --> 0:08:11.600 with you, I'm totally focused, And they're doing that just 0:08:11.640 --> 0:08:14.840 to make us feel better. And then they're not focused 0:08:14.880 --> 0:08:18.240 because they were distracted. And now you notice they're distracted, 0:08:18.320 --> 0:08:20.880 So now you're even more upset with them. Now they're 0:08:21.000 --> 0:08:23.880 upset because they actually tried to make you happy, But 0:08:24.040 --> 0:08:27.720 now you're not happy because they tried even though they 0:08:27.720 --> 0:08:30.400 weren't ready. And now they're upset because they haven't focused 0:08:30.400 --> 0:08:35.199 on what they needed to. Notice how your intentions can 0:08:35.240 --> 0:08:39.960 be beautiful, your perspective can be wonderful, your desire to 0:08:40.120 --> 0:08:43.280 be there for each other can be totally right. But 0:08:43.360 --> 0:08:46.720 you can make a complete mess. I want you to 0:08:46.760 --> 0:08:49.760 avoid this, and the way to avoid this is to 0:08:49.800 --> 0:08:52.960 ask your partner, when can I have your undivided attention? 0:08:53.400 --> 0:08:56.640 Have something really important to share with you? Sometimes we 0:08:56.720 --> 0:08:58.360 just go straight in and we say, oh my gosh, 0:08:58.400 --> 0:09:01.640 I have to tell you this, and we're demanding. We're 0:09:01.760 --> 0:09:08.240 expecting complete focus from our partners, and at best they 0:09:08.280 --> 0:09:13.199 give us their attention, but we're not satisfied. And at 0:09:13.240 --> 0:09:17.199 worst they can't give us their attention, and we feel 0:09:17.200 --> 0:09:19.319 they don't love us, or they don't care about us, 0:09:19.679 --> 0:09:22.640 or they don't value what we've just told them. What 0:09:22.800 --> 0:09:27.240 I've found is that when you're communicating big news with someone, 0:09:27.640 --> 0:09:31.600 when you're communicating important things with someone, you've had time 0:09:31.640 --> 0:09:34.959 to process that thought and idea, and when you're ready 0:09:35.000 --> 0:09:37.840 to share it with them, you want to make sure 0:09:37.920 --> 0:09:41.520 they're ready to right. It's almost like when you get 0:09:41.840 --> 0:09:43.960 if you got asked to a pop quiz at school, 0:09:44.600 --> 0:09:46.920 or you get asked a really tough question that you 0:09:46.960 --> 0:09:50.480 weren't expecting in an interview. You don't want to put 0:09:50.520 --> 0:09:53.440 your partner in that position, and you don't want to 0:09:53.440 --> 0:09:58.480 be in that position. So set the expectation of when 0:09:58.520 --> 0:10:01.200 you're going to do it, what you're going to talk about, 0:10:01.400 --> 0:10:05.280 clarifying their ability. The second thing is as much as 0:10:05.320 --> 0:10:08.880 you can when you are having meals together, put your 0:10:08.880 --> 0:10:12.680 devices away, but make a commitment. Again, we expect that 0:10:12.679 --> 0:10:15.559 if we're putting our devices away. Our partner is going 0:10:15.600 --> 0:10:18.440 to put our devices away instead of checking in and 0:10:18.440 --> 0:10:20.800 saying when can we have dinner? When we can be 0:10:20.840 --> 0:10:24.040 truly present with each other. Again, you're not asking the 0:10:24.120 --> 0:10:27.199 question in a sarcastic tone. You're not asking it in 0:10:27.240 --> 0:10:31.439 a condescending tone. You're asking it in a collaborative way. 0:10:31.559 --> 0:10:34.200 You're asking it in a way that inspires you and 0:10:34.360 --> 0:10:38.760 the other person to be fully present with each other. 0:10:39.120 --> 0:10:48.040 Presence creates intimacy. Intimacy creates connection, Connection creates longevity. I 0:10:48.120 --> 0:10:51.160 want each and every one of you to feel connected, 0:10:51.600 --> 0:10:55.960 to feel seen, to feel heard, to feel understood. And 0:10:56.040 --> 0:10:58.960 I find that in order to be that way, in 0:10:59.040 --> 0:11:03.079 order to feel that way, we can take some responsibility 0:11:03.559 --> 0:11:05.880 to share that. The next thing I'm going to add 0:11:05.960 --> 0:11:09.480 to that is, in order to truly feel present, there's 0:11:09.480 --> 0:11:15.640 an incredible technique called mirroring that was popularized by Chris Voss. Now, 0:11:15.720 --> 0:11:20.080 Chris Voss was a negotiated for the FBI, so he 0:11:20.200 --> 0:11:24.360 knew how to have difficult conversations and he knew how 0:11:24.400 --> 0:11:27.400 to get people to talk. When he would listen to people, 0:11:28.080 --> 0:11:30.240 he would say that the skill we have to use 0:11:30.360 --> 0:11:35.400 is mirroring. So if someone was answering a question, you 0:11:35.440 --> 0:11:39.240 would repeat the last one to three words they said. 0:11:40.080 --> 0:11:42.520 So if you said to someone, how's your day to 0:11:42.600 --> 0:11:47.040 day and they said, yeah, it went great, you would 0:11:47.080 --> 0:11:50.520 say it went great as a question for them to 0:11:50.600 --> 0:11:52.960 then say, yeah, you know, I had a really good 0:11:53.000 --> 0:11:57.119 conversation with my friend and at work and we really connected. 0:11:57.760 --> 0:12:00.880 Or they'd say I had a really bad day, and 0:12:00.960 --> 0:12:03.960 you'd say a bad day and they'd say, yeah, you 0:12:04.000 --> 0:12:05.840 know what, I was late for this meeting and I 0:12:05.840 --> 0:12:08.200 haven't got this work done on time, and you know, 0:12:08.280 --> 0:12:11.920 my boss isn't really happy with me. And you'd say, oh, 0:12:12.000 --> 0:12:14.280 your boss isn't really happy with you. And so you're 0:12:14.320 --> 0:12:20.920 repeating those last few words, which creates the truth of presence. 0:12:21.720 --> 0:12:26.320 There is no better way of showing your present than 0:12:26.360 --> 0:12:30.120 the repeating of the words your partner has said. In 0:12:30.160 --> 0:12:35.920 any circumstance, noddingming, whatever else you do isn't the same 0:12:35.960 --> 0:12:39.520 as actually repeating what someone has said. How many times 0:12:39.520 --> 0:12:41.800 does your partner say to you, well, you're not really listening. 0:12:41.960 --> 0:12:44.160 You don't really know what I'm trying to say. What 0:12:44.200 --> 0:12:46.240 did I say? Tell me what I said? Right? How 0:12:46.280 --> 0:12:48.240 many times do we hear that in an argument, and 0:12:48.320 --> 0:12:52.480 we hear it because people don't feel heard. When you're 0:12:52.480 --> 0:12:57.440 repeating what someone's saying, it's saying I hear you, it's saying, hey, 0:12:57.559 --> 0:12:59.800 is this what you're aiming at? Is this what your 0:12:59.840 --> 0:13:04.080 thing thinking about? The second key challenge in a relationship 0:13:04.920 --> 0:13:10.640 is us bringing our work stress home or today when 0:13:10.679 --> 0:13:14.640 we're working from home, we're is constantly stressed. So now 0:13:14.679 --> 0:13:19.400 we don't have that distinction between work and home. It's 0:13:19.400 --> 0:13:21.760 all at home, right, So many of us are working 0:13:22.200 --> 0:13:27.240 multiple days a week at home. People are overworking, people 0:13:27.280 --> 0:13:33.160 are overstressing, people are working insane amounts of hours, and 0:13:33.679 --> 0:13:36.679 we don't get time to decompress. We have to go 0:13:36.760 --> 0:13:39.839 from being connected at work to being connected at home. 0:13:40.280 --> 0:13:42.720 And now you don't even get the train ride back 0:13:42.840 --> 0:13:45.560 or the car journey back. And if you do, then 0:13:45.800 --> 0:13:47.400 you still have a bit of time. But most of 0:13:47.480 --> 0:13:51.439 us just switch off our laptop screen or look off 0:13:51.480 --> 0:13:55.000 our phone and you're right there at home. Without that 0:13:55.160 --> 0:13:59.680 natural divide. You don't have that decompression, you don't have 0:13:59.720 --> 0:14:04.920 that distressing, you don't have that disconnection. Now, one of 0:14:04.920 --> 0:14:09.080 the things that Rad's done unbelievably in our space is 0:14:09.160 --> 0:14:12.920 that when it hits around six pm, she'll put on 0:14:12.960 --> 0:14:16.080 a diffuser with a calming scent, and she'll turn on 0:14:16.120 --> 0:14:20.880 some relaxing music. And this really sets the tone of 0:14:20.920 --> 0:14:23.640 how we want the evening to go. And I find 0:14:23.720 --> 0:14:28.760 having these physical cues, having these physical responses to how 0:14:28.800 --> 0:14:33.360 we're feeling, really sets us up to relax and rest 0:14:33.720 --> 0:14:37.600 and sets us both up to connect. An American Psychological 0:14:37.640 --> 0:14:41.400 Association survey found that sixty five percent of people named 0:14:41.440 --> 0:14:44.720 their job as their top source of stress, and just 0:14:44.960 --> 0:14:48.400 thirty seven percent felt they were doing a good job 0:14:48.480 --> 0:14:51.120 managing it. Now, think about that for a second. Not 0:14:51.240 --> 0:14:54.360 only is workplace stress the number one cause for stress, 0:14:54.920 --> 0:14:59.040 it's also something that we are worried about. And so 0:14:59.120 --> 0:15:01.840 when we don't feel we're performing well at work and 0:15:01.920 --> 0:15:05.080 we don't we're managing our workload well, when we then 0:15:05.200 --> 0:15:08.280 feel like failures at home as well, you go home 0:15:08.320 --> 0:15:11.000 and your partner makes you feel like you're not really 0:15:11.040 --> 0:15:14.000 delivering at home either. It's no wonder that so many 0:15:14.080 --> 0:15:16.920 of us have so much self doubt. It's no wonder 0:15:17.000 --> 0:15:19.560 that so many of us are dealing with so many 0:15:19.640 --> 0:15:22.240 high levels of stress because we feel like failures at 0:15:22.240 --> 0:15:25.360 work and failures at home, and the home is meant 0:15:25.400 --> 0:15:28.560 to be an environment that protects us. The home is 0:15:28.600 --> 0:15:32.080 meant to be an environment that rejuvenates us and refuels us. 0:15:32.320 --> 0:15:34.480 And I want us all to think about that. How 0:15:34.520 --> 0:15:38.400 can we create our home to be a sanctuary, a 0:15:38.440 --> 0:15:42.200 place where we feel refueled and rejuvenated to deal with 0:15:42.240 --> 0:15:45.840 the challenges that will come outside of our home. So, 0:15:45.880 --> 0:15:48.360 if you're in a position, if you're in a place 0:15:48.920 --> 0:15:53.000 where your home life is feeling like a place where 0:15:53.000 --> 0:15:58.040 you're constantly being questioned, constantly being demanded upon, constantly feeling 0:15:58.080 --> 0:16:02.520 like you don't gain, or if you're creating that environment 0:16:02.560 --> 0:16:04.240 for your partner, I want you to be aware of 0:16:04.240 --> 0:16:06.440 that as well. The use someone who as soon as 0:16:06.480 --> 0:16:09.440 your partner's home is expecting so much for them, or 0:16:09.480 --> 0:16:11.920 expecting them to fill your carp or expecting them to 0:16:11.960 --> 0:16:15.640 build you up, and suggest you do is take a 0:16:15.680 --> 0:16:21.400 moment to just breathe. When they come back, when you 0:16:21.480 --> 0:16:24.520 come back, when you both switch off your computers, just 0:16:24.600 --> 0:16:29.320 take a moment to breathe. Don't expect anything from each other, 0:16:30.440 --> 0:16:34.280 don't expect anything right away. Just give each other that 0:16:34.400 --> 0:16:40.320 time to breathe, to disconnect to switch off. Just as 0:16:40.360 --> 0:16:43.720 our computers and our devices take time to power down, 0:16:44.240 --> 0:16:48.200 so do we. And before we start putting pressure on 0:16:48.240 --> 0:16:52.160 our partners when they're at three percent battery life, let's 0:16:52.200 --> 0:16:55.080 just be aware. Think about that for a second. At 0:16:55.080 --> 0:16:56.840 the end of a work day, we're all on like 0:16:56.920 --> 0:17:00.320 three percent battery life, and instead of charging up again, 0:17:00.760 --> 0:17:05.160 we expect more from that three percent, only for people 0:17:05.160 --> 0:17:07.400 to shut down on us. And we often say that, hey, 0:17:07.400 --> 0:17:10.040 why do you always shut down? Or you work so 0:17:10.119 --> 0:17:12.320 hard at work, but you shut down when you're with me, 0:17:13.240 --> 0:17:18.280 We shut down because we're already depleted. Find a way 0:17:18.960 --> 0:17:24.640 to create habits for both of you, separately collectively to regenerate. 0:17:25.200 --> 0:17:29.359 For me and Radi, we found that doing something exercise 0:17:29.400 --> 0:17:32.600 based or health and wellness based really helped for me. 0:17:32.680 --> 0:17:34.920 I can't work out in the evening, It doesn't work 0:17:34.920 --> 0:17:36.760 for me. Rady can often get a workout in the 0:17:36.800 --> 0:17:39.160 evening too, and so if she's going to work out 0:17:39.160 --> 0:17:41.880 in the evening to refuel and regenerate, I may stay 0:17:41.880 --> 0:17:43.480 at home and catch up with a friend or spend 0:17:43.520 --> 0:17:45.960 some time on my own. Now, if we're together, we 0:17:46.040 --> 0:17:47.960 may go to a cold plants together or go to 0:17:48.000 --> 0:17:50.800 an infrared sauna together, because that's something I do like 0:17:50.920 --> 0:17:54.160 doing in the evening and that makes me feel not depleted, 0:17:54.240 --> 0:17:57.800 that recharges me. And so find out what are your 0:17:57.920 --> 0:18:05.199 individual recharging exercise and find out whether your collective recharging exercises. 0:18:05.800 --> 0:18:10.320 Figure out which nights are individual recharges or collective recharges. 0:18:10.560 --> 0:18:13.159 The other thing I wanted to share was I was 0:18:13.200 --> 0:18:17.800 speaking to a client recently who's a CEO of a company, 0:18:18.600 --> 0:18:22.159 and they've been going through some mental health challenges and 0:18:22.240 --> 0:18:24.760 stress and we've been working through them and they've been 0:18:24.760 --> 0:18:28.520 feeling a lot better. And they were saying to me 0:18:28.720 --> 0:18:33.639 that they've been struggling with this and they don't know 0:18:33.680 --> 0:18:36.840 how to communicate it. So we were working through how 0:18:36.880 --> 0:18:39.960 they could communicate it to their team at the off site. 0:18:40.080 --> 0:18:44.240 Now my client said to me, they said, Jay, I'm 0:18:44.240 --> 0:18:46.800 scared of telling my team. When I was suggesting that 0:18:46.840 --> 0:18:48.720 they should open up to their team about what they've 0:18:48.760 --> 0:18:52.240 been through, I said, why are you scared? They said, well, 0:18:52.280 --> 0:18:54.920 I'm the strong one, I'm the leader, I'm the brave one. 0:18:55.080 --> 0:19:01.560 My response was, what's more brave? What's more strong? Then 0:19:01.600 --> 0:19:04.840 to tell them the truth of how you feel isn't 0:19:04.880 --> 0:19:07.960 that the sign of the greatest strength and bravery that 0:19:08.040 --> 0:19:10.680 you're willing to be open with them at the offsite, 0:19:11.200 --> 0:19:15.159 they went and shared this insight. They went and shared 0:19:15.200 --> 0:19:18.600 how they felt, and all their colleagues, all their peers, 0:19:19.080 --> 0:19:25.000 had one response, us two. They were feeling the same way. 0:19:25.040 --> 0:19:28.760 Often we feel alone at work and we expect our 0:19:28.840 --> 0:19:32.480 home to make us feel connected. But we also have 0:19:32.600 --> 0:19:37.800 to reconnect at work by creating safe spaces. If you're 0:19:37.840 --> 0:19:41.240 a leader, lead from the top and create safe spaces. 0:19:42.000 --> 0:19:46.040 If you're not a leader, create safe spaces within your peers. 0:19:47.080 --> 0:19:50.159 This will help you feel connected at work so you 0:19:50.200 --> 0:19:55.800 don't disproportionately expect more from home, and home can be 0:19:55.840 --> 0:20:00.240 a place of refruel and rejuvenation. Now, the third key 0:20:00.240 --> 0:20:07.320 area that causes stress in relationships is finances. Money. A 0:20:07.359 --> 0:20:10.760 lot of the research from the Gottman Institute shows that 0:20:11.080 --> 0:20:14.600 there are a lot of arguments that happen around money, 0:20:14.720 --> 0:20:20.400 around financial planning, around budgeting, and so on and so forth. Now, 0:20:20.520 --> 0:20:24.000 one study from Pew Research shows that twenty nine percent 0:20:24.000 --> 0:20:28.800 of millennials aren't financially ready for marriage. According to Pew 0:20:28.880 --> 0:20:33.399 Research Center findings, millennials are three times more likely to 0:20:33.480 --> 0:20:38.399 stay unmarried than the Silent generation born between nineteen twenty 0:20:38.440 --> 0:20:41.720 five to nineteen forty two, and seventy percent of millennials 0:20:41.960 --> 0:20:46.480 want to get married, according to the Millennial Relationship Statistics. Now, 0:20:46.520 --> 0:20:50.160 when it comes to this idea of commitment and finances, 0:20:50.880 --> 0:20:53.679 I want to talk about something that only hit me 0:20:53.720 --> 0:20:56.639 a lot later too, and it was this idea of 0:20:56.680 --> 0:21:00.119 how much money is spent on a wedding versus how 0:21:00.200 --> 0:21:02.800 much is spent on a marriage. Now, I did some 0:21:02.840 --> 0:21:04.960 research into this, and I was reading this article on 0:21:05.080 --> 0:21:08.119 CNN which talks about some of the research around this, 0:21:08.680 --> 0:21:11.600 and it said that on a detailed survey completed by 0:21:11.720 --> 0:21:15.640 over three thousand adults in the United States, they found 0:21:15.760 --> 0:21:19.520 that women whose wedding cost more than twenty thousand dollars 0:21:20.040 --> 0:21:23.639 divorced at a rate roughly one point six times higher 0:21:24.000 --> 0:21:27.960 than women whose weddings cost between five thousand to ten 0:21:28.040 --> 0:21:31.720 thousand dollars, and couples who spent a thousand dollars or 0:21:31.800 --> 0:21:34.840 less on their big day had a lower than average 0:21:34.920 --> 0:21:38.000 rate of divorce. Now, it's incredible, isn't it that studies 0:21:38.040 --> 0:21:41.000 are showing that the more we spend on our wedding days, 0:21:41.760 --> 0:21:45.159 the less likely our marriages to last. Now, I'm not 0:21:45.200 --> 0:21:47.200 saying don't have a big wedding. I'm not saying don't 0:21:47.280 --> 0:21:50.159 have an expensive wedding. You should have the wedding you 0:21:50.160 --> 0:21:53.680 want to have. What I am saying is, please invest 0:21:54.119 --> 0:21:57.960 in your relationship, whether you get married or not. You 0:21:58.000 --> 0:22:00.320 can invest in your travel, you can invest in your 0:22:00.320 --> 0:22:04.080 wedding day, but please invest in your actual relationship. Do 0:22:04.119 --> 0:22:07.240 you spend quality time together? Do you go to a 0:22:07.280 --> 0:22:10.359 couple's therapy if you need that or want that. Do 0:22:10.400 --> 0:22:13.680 you spend time talking about your relationship and the life 0:22:13.720 --> 0:22:17.480 you want. Do you communicate about your needs, your desires, 0:22:17.560 --> 0:22:21.240 your interests, and your concerns. These are the things that 0:22:21.280 --> 0:22:23.760 make a relationship last. You can have the most beautiful 0:22:23.840 --> 0:22:28.080 wedding in the world and have the most painful marriage, 0:22:28.760 --> 0:22:31.640 and I don't think it gets talked about enough because, 0:22:31.720 --> 0:22:34.880 of course everyone wants to have an amazing party, but 0:22:34.960 --> 0:22:39.560 the party won't ensure that you don't part ways, and 0:22:39.640 --> 0:22:42.639 so don't rely on a party to make sure that 0:22:42.720 --> 0:22:46.560 you will stay together and won't fall apart. I want 0:22:46.600 --> 0:22:49.560 you to be really conscious of this idea as to 0:22:49.640 --> 0:22:52.359 what are you doing that is benefiting you as a 0:22:52.400 --> 0:22:56.680 couple as a commitment to each other. That's the real 0:22:56.720 --> 0:22:59.199 investment you want to make. The final thing that the 0:22:59.200 --> 0:23:05.320 Gottman Institute says causes challenges in relationships is chores. And 0:23:05.359 --> 0:23:08.639 the big thing around chores is that we usually label 0:23:08.680 --> 0:23:13.000 our partners as lazy, as people who are slacking, as 0:23:13.040 --> 0:23:15.360 someone who doesn't want to help or doesn't want to support. 0:23:15.840 --> 0:23:18.119 And chances are, in the beginning we were happy to 0:23:18.160 --> 0:23:20.760 do a lot of it, but we didn't really divide 0:23:20.920 --> 0:23:24.480 and conquer. I think it's so important that we come 0:23:24.560 --> 0:23:29.000 up with schedules, expectations, breakdowns of who's doing what. When 0:23:29.119 --> 0:23:31.360 I remember when I lived as a monk, we had 0:23:31.480 --> 0:23:34.520 a cleaning rotor and everyone could see it every week. 0:23:34.600 --> 0:23:37.399 It was up there for everyone to visualize who was 0:23:37.440 --> 0:23:39.800 meant to do what. And I think that in couples 0:23:39.800 --> 0:23:41.480 we often say, oh, I'll take care of it, I'll 0:23:41.520 --> 0:23:44.360 do it, and then as time goes on, it becomes 0:23:44.359 --> 0:23:47.760 harder and harder to live up to that. Please have 0:23:47.800 --> 0:23:51.960 conversations about this, Please set expectations and responsibilities around this. 0:23:52.480 --> 0:23:54.479 And for those of us who keep letting our partner 0:23:54.520 --> 0:23:58.199 down by not showing up, by having excuses, maybe you 0:23:58.359 --> 0:24:01.800 genuinely have too much on but then communicate that it's 0:24:01.880 --> 0:24:06.000 unfair to expect the other person to pick up our slack. 0:24:06.200 --> 0:24:08.320 A lot of the time, our relationship with chores and 0:24:08.400 --> 0:24:11.320 housework is based on what we saw in our families. 0:24:11.880 --> 0:24:16.080 If we saw our mom doing everything, a lot of 0:24:16.080 --> 0:24:19.240 people may expect the women in the relationship to do everything. 0:24:19.760 --> 0:24:21.520 Or if you saw your mom do everything, you want 0:24:21.520 --> 0:24:24.280 to help out because you saw how tired she was. 0:24:24.760 --> 0:24:26.600