1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,000 Speaker 1: At the end of a workday, we're all on like 2 00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:05,000 Speaker 1: three percent battery life, and instead of charging up again, 3 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: we expect more from that three percent, only for people 4 00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:11,559 Speaker 1: to shut down on us. And we often say that, hey, 5 00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:13,760 Speaker 1: why do you always shut down? Oh you work so 6 00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:16,040 Speaker 1: hard at work, but you shut down when you're with me. 7 00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:27,320 Speaker 1: We shut down because we're already depleted. Hey everyone, welcome 8 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:30,200 Speaker 1: back to our Purpose, the number one health podcast in 9 00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:32,239 Speaker 1: the world. Thanks to each and every one of you 10 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:37,680 Speaker 1: that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now. 11 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:42,280 Speaker 1: I am so excited for today's episode because it's been 12 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:47,080 Speaker 1: something that I've been thinking about a lot, and as 13 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:51,640 Speaker 1: you know, I've been focusing so much on our relationships, 14 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:58,000 Speaker 1: romantic friendships, family community this year and my new book 15 00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:01,080 Speaker 1: Eight Rules of Love, which is releasing on the thirty 16 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:04,840 Speaker 1: first of January, that you can preorder right now, and 17 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:09,200 Speaker 1: when you preorder, you get my free workshop on the 18 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:13,120 Speaker 1: eight Cliches of Love. This free workshop is only for 19 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,880 Speaker 1: those who pre order the book before the thirty feet 20 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:18,800 Speaker 1: of January, and I walk you through some of the 21 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:24,080 Speaker 1: cliches that we've been told about love and whether science 22 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:27,360 Speaker 1: shows them to be true or false. So whether you 23 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:30,080 Speaker 1: think about love at first sight or whether you think 24 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:33,960 Speaker 1: about waiting for the one. I actually debunk a lot 25 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:37,520 Speaker 1: of those myths. As you can tell, I've been obsessed 26 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:40,839 Speaker 1: with love and relationships because I feel the pandemic led 27 00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:46,920 Speaker 1: us to being less connected, less closer, and less able 28 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:51,160 Speaker 1: to form deep bonds. Also because I keep talking to 29 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:55,040 Speaker 1: people who find that they're winning in so many areas 30 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:59,640 Speaker 1: of their life but losing in relationships. How many people 31 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:01,960 Speaker 1: do you know that feel like they're winning in their passion, 32 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:05,400 Speaker 1: on their business, but feel like they're struggling in their 33 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:08,679 Speaker 1: love life. How many people do you know that are 34 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:13,160 Speaker 1: successful at being great friends but are struggling to find 35 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:17,040 Speaker 1: that partner. In this episode, I'm going to break down 36 00:02:17,639 --> 00:02:22,600 Speaker 1: the four key challenges that every relationship will go through 37 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:27,280 Speaker 1: and how to have a new perspective to think about 38 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:31,200 Speaker 1: it differently. You're going to find that these four key 39 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:34,280 Speaker 1: issues we talk about are universal. You're going to be 40 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:37,560 Speaker 1: listening and thinking, jay I broke up with my ex 41 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,800 Speaker 1: because of that, I'm struggling with my present partner because 42 00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:44,280 Speaker 1: of that. I'm scared of getting into another relationship because 43 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:47,560 Speaker 1: of that. Right, the themes and the insights in this 44 00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:51,240 Speaker 1: episode are going to help you, whether you're single, whether 45 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:55,440 Speaker 1: you're in a committed relationship, or whether you just broke up. 46 00:02:55,919 --> 00:02:58,000 Speaker 1: I want this to be an episode that you'll also 47 00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:01,000 Speaker 1: pass on to your friends because I find that, as 48 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,480 Speaker 1: I always say, we haven't been educated on how to 49 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:08,440 Speaker 1: have healthy relationships. We haven't gone to a class or 50 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:12,839 Speaker 1: learned how to build real connection, and so we keep 51 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,960 Speaker 1: waiting for the right person. We keep looking for the one, 52 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:19,840 Speaker 1: We keep hoping that this person is going to miraculously appear, 53 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:24,800 Speaker 1: that we don't realize that it's something we have to learn, understand, 54 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:28,160 Speaker 1: break down, and create. So I'm going to walk you 55 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:31,720 Speaker 1: through these four key challenges and issues that every relationship 56 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:34,040 Speaker 1: will go through. I'm going to share with you the 57 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:37,080 Speaker 1: insights and the takeaways, and I want you to make 58 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:39,440 Speaker 1: notes if you can on this one. If you are walking, 59 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:43,320 Speaker 1: or you are moving around, or you're driving, that's absolutely fine. 60 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,760 Speaker 1: Make sure you take a screenshot and come back to 61 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:48,560 Speaker 1: this one. And I want to say thank you to 62 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:52,000 Speaker 1: everyone who's been leaving reviews recently. I have been reading 63 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:55,520 Speaker 1: them and truly brown away by your love and your 64 00:03:55,560 --> 00:04:00,040 Speaker 1: commitment to on purpose. I appreciate you. I'm grateful to you. 65 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:03,440 Speaker 1: And I cannot wait for you to listen to this episode. 66 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,160 Speaker 1: So I want to dive in with the first one. 67 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:11,040 Speaker 1: So the first challenge is something that I know everyone's 68 00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:14,400 Speaker 1: going to be able to relate to. I recently shared 69 00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:19,320 Speaker 1: a section of a Q and A session I did 70 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:23,359 Speaker 1: on my Instagram page. It went absolutely viral Instagram and TikTok. 71 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:25,880 Speaker 1: I could see that a lot of you resonated with it. 72 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:28,680 Speaker 1: And I was talking about a friend of mine who 73 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:32,800 Speaker 1: just got back from a vacation with her partner. She 74 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:36,599 Speaker 1: was telling me that she didn't fell she spent any 75 00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:38,520 Speaker 1: time with him. And I was like, well, you just 76 00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:40,599 Speaker 1: went away. What do you mean And she said, well, 77 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,920 Speaker 1: he was on his laptop, and then he was on 78 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,480 Speaker 1: his tablet, and then he was reading his book, and 79 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:50,040 Speaker 1: I didn't really spend any time with him. And I said, well, 80 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:53,280 Speaker 1: the challenges you're not really asking for time. You're asking 81 00:04:53,279 --> 00:04:57,920 Speaker 1: for presents. You're asking for energy. But the word you're 82 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:00,880 Speaker 1: using his time. So in his eyes, spent the weekend 83 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:03,800 Speaker 1: with you, he spent time with you. But really what 84 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:06,719 Speaker 1: we're looking for his energy, what we're looking for his presence. 85 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:09,359 Speaker 1: And what we find is that even when we're in 86 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,400 Speaker 1: the same space. Even when we're in the same room 87 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:17,200 Speaker 1: as our partners, if they are distracted while watching a 88 00:05:17,279 --> 00:05:21,680 Speaker 1: show on their phone, on their laptop doing some work, 89 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:26,080 Speaker 1: we know that their attention isn't with us. And therefore, 90 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,599 Speaker 1: even if someone sits with us for an hour or 91 00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:33,320 Speaker 1: two hours or three hours, it feels like less than 92 00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:36,960 Speaker 1: three minutes. And even more than this, it feels worse. 93 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:41,080 Speaker 1: If you don't see someone. It's different than when you 94 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:45,080 Speaker 1: see them but you don't feel seen. How many times 95 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:48,039 Speaker 1: have you sat with someone you can see them in 96 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:52,039 Speaker 1: front of you, but you don't feel seen. It's worse 97 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:54,760 Speaker 1: than if you didn't see them that week. And this 98 00:05:54,920 --> 00:06:01,200 Speaker 1: term is such a common experience that it's called techno ferens. 99 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:06,000 Speaker 1: And one study found that techno ferens, where computers, phones, tablets, 100 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:11,800 Speaker 1: or TVs interrupt couples everyday. Interactions occurred in around seventy 101 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:15,520 Speaker 1: percent of relationships. Now, I don't know a relationship that 102 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:17,840 Speaker 1: doesn't have this challenge, so I'm sure that's more like 103 00:06:17,839 --> 00:06:21,240 Speaker 1: one hundred percent. But in another study, thirty eight percent 104 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:26,480 Speaker 1: of partners said they even sent texts or emails during 105 00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:30,800 Speaker 1: conversations with their partners. Right, how many of you know 106 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:34,680 Speaker 1: that you're constantly dealing with this where you're trying to 107 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,279 Speaker 1: talk to your partner but they're checking the results of 108 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:40,640 Speaker 1: the game, or you're trying to communicate with your partner 109 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:44,599 Speaker 1: but they're distracted because they're thinking about something at work, 110 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:48,320 Speaker 1: or how many of you have noticed your partners say yes, yes, yes, 111 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:51,200 Speaker 1: I'm with you, but then their phone rings and they 112 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:54,479 Speaker 1: immediately go to grab it. This can be okay in 113 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:57,000 Speaker 1: the beginning. You can tolerate it, you can understand it. 114 00:06:57,080 --> 00:07:00,640 Speaker 1: But it starts to wear on us. It starts to 115 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:04,680 Speaker 1: create challenges, it starts to create stress. And I know 116 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:07,560 Speaker 1: many many of you can relate to this. So how 117 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:10,320 Speaker 1: do we navigate this? The first thing I want you 118 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:13,520 Speaker 1: to do is I want you to set a rule 119 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:19,560 Speaker 1: that when you want your partners undivided attention, you communicate that. 120 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:22,720 Speaker 1: I think instead of saying I hope we can spend 121 00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:26,680 Speaker 1: time together or I hope we can hang tonight together. 122 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,960 Speaker 1: When you want their undivided attention because you have something 123 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:35,720 Speaker 1: important to share or something important to communicate, say to them, 124 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:41,520 Speaker 1: when can we have some undivided attention time? When can 125 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:44,600 Speaker 1: I sit with you? When you will have the opportunity 126 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:48,320 Speaker 1: to fully listen. I know you have a lot going on. 127 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:50,760 Speaker 1: I know that there are a lot of demands on 128 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:55,400 Speaker 1: your time. When is the right time the challenges? We 129 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:59,200 Speaker 1: often want now to be the right time. We want 130 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,920 Speaker 1: whenever we want to be the right time to be 131 00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:05,320 Speaker 1: the right time for them, And often out of fear 132 00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:08,560 Speaker 1: or pressure, our partner can say, shure, so sure, I'm 133 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:11,600 Speaker 1: with you, I'm totally focused, And they're doing that just 134 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,840 Speaker 1: to make us feel better. And then they're not focused 135 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:18,240 Speaker 1: because they were distracted. And now you notice they're distracted, 136 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:20,880 Speaker 1: So now you're even more upset with them. Now they're 137 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,880 Speaker 1: upset because they actually tried to make you happy, But 138 00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:27,720 Speaker 1: now you're not happy because they tried even though they 139 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:30,400 Speaker 1: weren't ready. And now they're upset because they haven't focused 140 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:35,199 Speaker 1: on what they needed to. Notice how your intentions can 141 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:39,960 Speaker 1: be beautiful, your perspective can be wonderful, your desire to 142 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,280 Speaker 1: be there for each other can be totally right. But 143 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:46,720 Speaker 1: you can make a complete mess. I want you to 144 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:49,760 Speaker 1: avoid this, and the way to avoid this is to 145 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:52,960 Speaker 1: ask your partner, when can I have your undivided attention? 146 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:56,640 Speaker 1: Have something really important to share with you? Sometimes we 147 00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:58,360 Speaker 1: just go straight in and we say, oh my gosh, 148 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:01,640 Speaker 1: I have to tell you this, and we're demanding. We're 149 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:08,240 Speaker 1: expecting complete focus from our partners, and at best they 150 00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:13,199 Speaker 1: give us their attention, but we're not satisfied. And at 151 00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:17,199 Speaker 1: worst they can't give us their attention, and we feel 152 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:19,319 Speaker 1: they don't love us, or they don't care about us, 153 00:09:19,679 --> 00:09:22,640 Speaker 1: or they don't value what we've just told them. What 154 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:27,240 Speaker 1: I've found is that when you're communicating big news with someone, 155 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:31,600 Speaker 1: when you're communicating important things with someone, you've had time 156 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:34,959 Speaker 1: to process that thought and idea, and when you're ready 157 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:37,840 Speaker 1: to share it with them, you want to make sure 158 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:41,520 Speaker 1: they're ready to right. It's almost like when you get 159 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:43,960 Speaker 1: if you got asked to a pop quiz at school, 160 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:46,920 Speaker 1: or you get asked a really tough question that you 161 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:50,480 Speaker 1: weren't expecting in an interview. You don't want to put 162 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:53,440 Speaker 1: your partner in that position, and you don't want to 163 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:58,480 Speaker 1: be in that position. So set the expectation of when 164 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:01,200 Speaker 1: you're going to do it, what you're going to talk about, 165 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:05,280 Speaker 1: clarifying their ability. The second thing is as much as 166 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:08,880 Speaker 1: you can when you are having meals together, put your 167 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:12,680 Speaker 1: devices away, but make a commitment. Again, we expect that 168 00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:15,559 Speaker 1: if we're putting our devices away. Our partner is going 169 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,440 Speaker 1: to put our devices away instead of checking in and 170 00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:20,800 Speaker 1: saying when can we have dinner? When we can be 171 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:24,040 Speaker 1: truly present with each other. Again, you're not asking the 172 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,199 Speaker 1: question in a sarcastic tone. You're not asking it in 173 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:31,439 Speaker 1: a condescending tone. You're asking it in a collaborative way. 174 00:10:31,559 --> 00:10:34,200 Speaker 1: You're asking it in a way that inspires you and 175 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:38,760 Speaker 1: the other person to be fully present with each other. 176 00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:48,040 Speaker 1: Presence creates intimacy. Intimacy creates connection, Connection creates longevity. I 177 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:51,160 Speaker 1: want each and every one of you to feel connected, 178 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:55,960 Speaker 1: to feel seen, to feel heard, to feel understood. And 179 00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,960 Speaker 1: I find that in order to be that way, in 180 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:03,079 Speaker 1: order to feel that way, we can take some responsibility 181 00:11:03,559 --> 00:11:05,880 Speaker 1: to share that. The next thing I'm going to add 182 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:09,480 Speaker 1: to that is, in order to truly feel present, there's 183 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:15,640 Speaker 1: an incredible technique called mirroring that was popularized by Chris Voss. Now, 184 00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:20,080 Speaker 1: Chris Voss was a negotiated for the FBI, so he 185 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:24,360 Speaker 1: knew how to have difficult conversations and he knew how 186 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:27,400 Speaker 1: to get people to talk. When he would listen to people, 187 00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:30,240 Speaker 1: he would say that the skill we have to use 188 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:35,400 Speaker 1: is mirroring. So if someone was answering a question, you 189 00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:39,240 Speaker 1: would repeat the last one to three words they said. 190 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:42,520 Speaker 1: So if you said to someone, how's your day to 191 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:47,040 Speaker 1: day and they said, yeah, it went great, you would 192 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:50,520 Speaker 1: say it went great as a question for them to 193 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:52,960 Speaker 1: then say, yeah, you know, I had a really good 194 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:57,119 Speaker 1: conversation with my friend and at work and we really connected. 195 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,880 Speaker 1: Or they'd say I had a really bad day, and 196 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:03,960 Speaker 1: you'd say a bad day and they'd say, yeah, you 197 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,840 Speaker 1: know what, I was late for this meeting and I 198 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:08,200 Speaker 1: haven't got this work done on time, and you know, 199 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:11,920 Speaker 1: my boss isn't really happy with me. And you'd say, oh, 200 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:14,280 Speaker 1: your boss isn't really happy with you. And so you're 201 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:20,920 Speaker 1: repeating those last few words, which creates the truth of presence. 202 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:26,320 Speaker 1: There is no better way of showing your present than 203 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:30,120 Speaker 1: the repeating of the words your partner has said. In 204 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:35,920 Speaker 1: any circumstance, noddingming, whatever else you do isn't the same 205 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:39,520 Speaker 1: as actually repeating what someone has said. How many times 206 00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:41,800 Speaker 1: does your partner say to you, well, you're not really listening. 207 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:44,160 Speaker 1: You don't really know what I'm trying to say. What 208 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,240 Speaker 1: did I say? Tell me what I said? Right? How 209 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,240 Speaker 1: many times do we hear that in an argument, and 210 00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:52,480 Speaker 1: we hear it because people don't feel heard. When you're 211 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:57,440 Speaker 1: repeating what someone's saying, it's saying I hear you, it's saying, hey, 212 00:12:57,559 --> 00:12:59,800 Speaker 1: is this what you're aiming at? Is this what your 213 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:04,080 Speaker 1: thing thinking about? The second key challenge in a relationship 214 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:10,640 Speaker 1: is us bringing our work stress home or today when 215 00:13:10,679 --> 00:13:14,640 Speaker 1: we're working from home, we're is constantly stressed. So now 216 00:13:14,679 --> 00:13:19,400 Speaker 1: we don't have that distinction between work and home. It's 217 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,760 Speaker 1: all at home, right, So many of us are working 218 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:27,240 Speaker 1: multiple days a week at home. People are overworking, people 219 00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:33,160 Speaker 1: are overstressing, people are working insane amounts of hours, and 220 00:13:33,679 --> 00:13:36,679 Speaker 1: we don't get time to decompress. We have to go 221 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:39,839 Speaker 1: from being connected at work to being connected at home. 222 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:42,720 Speaker 1: And now you don't even get the train ride back 223 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:45,560 Speaker 1: or the car journey back. And if you do, then 224 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:47,400 Speaker 1: you still have a bit of time. But most of 225 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:51,439 Speaker 1: us just switch off our laptop screen or look off 226 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:55,000 Speaker 1: our phone and you're right there at home. Without that 227 00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:59,680 Speaker 1: natural divide. You don't have that decompression, you don't have 228 00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:04,920 Speaker 1: that distressing, you don't have that disconnection. Now, one of 229 00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:09,080 Speaker 1: the things that Rad's done unbelievably in our space is 230 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:12,920 Speaker 1: that when it hits around six pm, she'll put on 231 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:16,080 Speaker 1: a diffuser with a calming scent, and she'll turn on 232 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:20,880 Speaker 1: some relaxing music. And this really sets the tone of 233 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:23,640 Speaker 1: how we want the evening to go. And I find 234 00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:28,760 Speaker 1: having these physical cues, having these physical responses to how 235 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:33,360 Speaker 1: we're feeling, really sets us up to relax and rest 236 00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:37,600 Speaker 1: and sets us both up to connect. An American Psychological 237 00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:41,400 Speaker 1: Association survey found that sixty five percent of people named 238 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:44,720 Speaker 1: their job as their top source of stress, and just 239 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:48,400 Speaker 1: thirty seven percent felt they were doing a good job 240 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:51,120 Speaker 1: managing it. Now, think about that for a second. Not 241 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:54,360 Speaker 1: only is workplace stress the number one cause for stress, 242 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:59,040 Speaker 1: it's also something that we are worried about. And so 243 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:01,840 Speaker 1: when we don't feel we're performing well at work and 244 00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:05,080 Speaker 1: we don't we're managing our workload well, when we then 245 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:08,280 Speaker 1: feel like failures at home as well, you go home 246 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:11,000 Speaker 1: and your partner makes you feel like you're not really 247 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:14,000 Speaker 1: delivering at home either. It's no wonder that so many 248 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,920 Speaker 1: of us have so much self doubt. It's no wonder 249 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,560 Speaker 1: that so many of us are dealing with so many 250 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:22,240 Speaker 1: high levels of stress because we feel like failures at 251 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:25,360 Speaker 1: work and failures at home, and the home is meant 252 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:28,560 Speaker 1: to be an environment that protects us. The home is 253 00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:32,080 Speaker 1: meant to be an environment that rejuvenates us and refuels us. 254 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,480 Speaker 1: And I want us all to think about that. How 255 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:38,400 Speaker 1: can we create our home to be a sanctuary, a 256 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:42,200 Speaker 1: place where we feel refueled and rejuvenated to deal with 257 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:45,840 Speaker 1: the challenges that will come outside of our home. So, 258 00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:48,360 Speaker 1: if you're in a position, if you're in a place 259 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:53,000 Speaker 1: where your home life is feeling like a place where 260 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:58,040 Speaker 1: you're constantly being questioned, constantly being demanded upon, constantly feeling 261 00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:02,520 Speaker 1: like you don't gain, or if you're creating that environment 262 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,240 Speaker 1: for your partner, I want you to be aware of 263 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:06,440 Speaker 1: that as well. The use someone who as soon as 264 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:09,440 Speaker 1: your partner's home is expecting so much for them, or 265 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,920 Speaker 1: expecting them to fill your carp or expecting them to 266 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:15,640 Speaker 1: build you up, and suggest you do is take a 267 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:21,400 Speaker 1: moment to just breathe. When they come back, when you 268 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,520 Speaker 1: come back, when you both switch off your computers, just 269 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:29,320 Speaker 1: take a moment to breathe. Don't expect anything from each other, 270 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:34,280 Speaker 1: don't expect anything right away. Just give each other that 271 00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:40,320 Speaker 1: time to breathe, to disconnect to switch off. Just as 272 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:43,720 Speaker 1: our computers and our devices take time to power down, 273 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:48,200 Speaker 1: so do we. And before we start putting pressure on 274 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:52,160 Speaker 1: our partners when they're at three percent battery life, let's 275 00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:55,080 Speaker 1: just be aware. Think about that for a second. At 276 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,840 Speaker 1: the end of a work day, we're all on like 277 00:16:56,920 --> 00:17:00,320 Speaker 1: three percent battery life, and instead of charging up again, 278 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:05,160 Speaker 1: we expect more from that three percent, only for people 279 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,400 Speaker 1: to shut down on us. And we often say that, hey, 280 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:10,040 Speaker 1: why do you always shut down? Or you work so 281 00:17:10,119 --> 00:17:12,320 Speaker 1: hard at work, but you shut down when you're with me, 282 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:18,280 Speaker 1: We shut down because we're already depleted. Find a way 283 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:24,640 Speaker 1: to create habits for both of you, separately collectively to regenerate. 284 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:29,359 Speaker 1: For me and Radi, we found that doing something exercise 285 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,600 Speaker 1: based or health and wellness based really helped for me. 286 00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:34,920 Speaker 1: I can't work out in the evening, It doesn't work 287 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:36,760 Speaker 1: for me. Rady can often get a workout in the 288 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:39,160 Speaker 1: evening too, and so if she's going to work out 289 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:41,880 Speaker 1: in the evening to refuel and regenerate, I may stay 290 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:43,480 Speaker 1: at home and catch up with a friend or spend 291 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:45,960 Speaker 1: some time on my own. Now, if we're together, we 292 00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:47,960 Speaker 1: may go to a cold plants together or go to 293 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,800 Speaker 1: an infrared sauna together, because that's something I do like 294 00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:54,160 Speaker 1: doing in the evening and that makes me feel not depleted, 295 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:57,800 Speaker 1: that recharges me. And so find out what are your 296 00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:05,199 Speaker 1: individual recharging exercise and find out whether your collective recharging exercises. 297 00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:10,320 Speaker 1: Figure out which nights are individual recharges or collective recharges. 298 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:13,159 Speaker 1: The other thing I wanted to share was I was 299 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:17,800 Speaker 1: speaking to a client recently who's a CEO of a company, 300 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:22,159 Speaker 1: and they've been going through some mental health challenges and 301 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:24,760 Speaker 1: stress and we've been working through them and they've been 302 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:28,520 Speaker 1: feeling a lot better. And they were saying to me 303 00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:33,639 Speaker 1: that they've been struggling with this and they don't know 304 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:36,840 Speaker 1: how to communicate it. So we were working through how 305 00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:39,960 Speaker 1: they could communicate it to their team at the off site. 306 00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:44,240 Speaker 1: Now my client said to me, they said, Jay, I'm 307 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:46,800 Speaker 1: scared of telling my team. When I was suggesting that 308 00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:48,720 Speaker 1: they should open up to their team about what they've 309 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:52,240 Speaker 1: been through, I said, why are you scared? They said, well, 310 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:54,920 Speaker 1: I'm the strong one, I'm the leader, I'm the brave one. 311 00:18:55,080 --> 00:19:01,560 Speaker 1: My response was, what's more brave? What's more strong? Then 312 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:04,840 Speaker 1: to tell them the truth of how you feel isn't 313 00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:07,960 Speaker 1: that the sign of the greatest strength and bravery that 314 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:10,680 Speaker 1: you're willing to be open with them at the offsite, 315 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:15,159 Speaker 1: they went and shared this insight. They went and shared 316 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:18,600 Speaker 1: how they felt, and all their colleagues, all their peers, 317 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:25,000 Speaker 1: had one response, us two. They were feeling the same way. 318 00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:28,760 Speaker 1: Often we feel alone at work and we expect our 319 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:32,480 Speaker 1: home to make us feel connected. But we also have 320 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:37,800 Speaker 1: to reconnect at work by creating safe spaces. If you're 321 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:41,240 Speaker 1: a leader, lead from the top and create safe spaces. 322 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:46,040 Speaker 1: If you're not a leader, create safe spaces within your peers. 323 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:50,159 Speaker 1: This will help you feel connected at work so you 324 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:55,800 Speaker 1: don't disproportionately expect more from home, and home can be 325 00:19:55,840 --> 00:20:00,240 Speaker 1: a place of refruel and rejuvenation. Now, the third key 326 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:07,320 Speaker 1: area that causes stress in relationships is finances. Money. A 327 00:20:07,359 --> 00:20:10,760 Speaker 1: lot of the research from the Gottman Institute shows that 328 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:14,600 Speaker 1: there are a lot of arguments that happen around money, 329 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:20,400 Speaker 1: around financial planning, around budgeting, and so on and so forth. Now, 330 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:24,000 Speaker 1: one study from Pew Research shows that twenty nine percent 331 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:28,800 Speaker 1: of millennials aren't financially ready for marriage. According to Pew 332 00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:33,399 Speaker 1: Research Center findings, millennials are three times more likely to 333 00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:38,399 Speaker 1: stay unmarried than the Silent generation born between nineteen twenty 334 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:41,720 Speaker 1: five to nineteen forty two, and seventy percent of millennials 335 00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:46,480 Speaker 1: want to get married, according to the Millennial Relationship Statistics. Now, 336 00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:50,160 Speaker 1: when it comes to this idea of commitment and finances, 337 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:53,679 Speaker 1: I want to talk about something that only hit me 338 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:56,639 Speaker 1: a lot later too, and it was this idea of 339 00:20:56,680 --> 00:21:00,119 Speaker 1: how much money is spent on a wedding versus how 340 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,800 Speaker 1: much is spent on a marriage. Now, I did some 341 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:04,960 Speaker 1: research into this, and I was reading this article on 342 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:08,119 Speaker 1: CNN which talks about some of the research around this, 343 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:11,600 Speaker 1: and it said that on a detailed survey completed by 344 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:15,640 Speaker 1: over three thousand adults in the United States, they found 345 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:19,520 Speaker 1: that women whose wedding cost more than twenty thousand dollars 346 00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:23,639 Speaker 1: divorced at a rate roughly one point six times higher 347 00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:27,960 Speaker 1: than women whose weddings cost between five thousand to ten 348 00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:31,720 Speaker 1: thousand dollars, and couples who spent a thousand dollars or 349 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:34,840 Speaker 1: less on their big day had a lower than average 350 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:38,000 Speaker 1: rate of divorce. Now, it's incredible, isn't it that studies 351 00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:41,000 Speaker 1: are showing that the more we spend on our wedding days, 352 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:45,159 Speaker 1: the less likely our marriages to last. Now, I'm not 353 00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,200 Speaker 1: saying don't have a big wedding. I'm not saying don't 354 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:50,159 Speaker 1: have an expensive wedding. You should have the wedding you 355 00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:53,680 Speaker 1: want to have. What I am saying is, please invest 356 00:21:54,119 --> 00:21:57,960 Speaker 1: in your relationship, whether you get married or not. You 357 00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:00,320 Speaker 1: can invest in your travel, you can invest in your 358 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:04,080 Speaker 1: wedding day, but please invest in your actual relationship. Do 359 00:22:04,119 --> 00:22:07,240 Speaker 1: you spend quality time together? Do you go to a 360 00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:10,359 Speaker 1: couple's therapy if you need that or want that. Do 361 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:13,680 Speaker 1: you spend time talking about your relationship and the life 362 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:17,480 Speaker 1: you want. Do you communicate about your needs, your desires, 363 00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:21,240 Speaker 1: your interests, and your concerns. These are the things that 364 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:23,760 Speaker 1: make a relationship last. You can have the most beautiful 365 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:28,080 Speaker 1: wedding in the world and have the most painful marriage, 366 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,640 Speaker 1: and I don't think it gets talked about enough because, 367 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:34,880 Speaker 1: of course everyone wants to have an amazing party, but 368 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:39,560 Speaker 1: the party won't ensure that you don't part ways, and 369 00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:42,639 Speaker 1: so don't rely on a party to make sure that 370 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:46,560 Speaker 1: you will stay together and won't fall apart. I want 371 00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:49,560 Speaker 1: you to be really conscious of this idea as to 372 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:52,359 Speaker 1: what are you doing that is benefiting you as a 373 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:56,680 Speaker 1: couple as a commitment to each other. That's the real 374 00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:59,199 Speaker 1: investment you want to make. The final thing that the 375 00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:05,320 Speaker 1: Gottman Institute says causes challenges in relationships is chores. And 376 00:23:05,359 --> 00:23:08,639 Speaker 1: the big thing around chores is that we usually label 377 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:13,000 Speaker 1: our partners as lazy, as people who are slacking, as 378 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,360 Speaker 1: someone who doesn't want to help or doesn't want to support. 379 00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:18,119 Speaker 1: And chances are, in the beginning we were happy to 380 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:20,760 Speaker 1: do a lot of it, but we didn't really divide 381 00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:24,480 Speaker 1: and conquer. I think it's so important that we come 382 00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:29,000 Speaker 1: up with schedules, expectations, breakdowns of who's doing what. When 383 00:23:29,119 --> 00:23:31,360 Speaker 1: I remember when I lived as a monk, we had 384 00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:34,520 Speaker 1: a cleaning rotor and everyone could see it every week. 385 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:37,399 Speaker 1: It was up there for everyone to visualize who was 386 00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:39,800 Speaker 1: meant to do what. And I think that in couples 387 00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,480 Speaker 1: we often say, oh, I'll take care of it, I'll 388 00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:44,360 Speaker 1: do it, and then as time goes on, it becomes 389 00:23:44,359 --> 00:23:47,760 Speaker 1: harder and harder to live up to that. Please have 390 00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:51,960 Speaker 1: conversations about this, Please set expectations and responsibilities around this. 391 00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:54,479 Speaker 1: And for those of us who keep letting our partner 392 00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:58,199 Speaker 1: down by not showing up, by having excuses, maybe you 393 00:23:58,359 --> 00:24:01,800 Speaker 1: genuinely have too much on but then communicate that it's 394 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:06,000 Speaker 1: unfair to expect the other person to pick up our slack. 395 00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:08,320 Speaker 1: A lot of the time, our relationship with chores and 396 00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:11,320 Speaker 1: housework is based on what we saw in our families. 397 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:16,080 Speaker 1: If we saw our mom doing everything, a lot of 398 00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:19,240 Speaker 1: people may expect the women in the relationship to do everything. 399 00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:21,520 Speaker 1: Or if you saw your mom do everything, you want 400 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:24,280 Speaker 1: to help out because you saw how tired she was. 401 00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:26,600 Speaker 1: If you grew up in a family where your dad 402 00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:29,680 Speaker 1: helped out, you may expect your partner to help out more, 403 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:31,960 Speaker 1: but they may not have grown up in that way. 404 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:36,080 Speaker 1: So having an expectation based on our parenting and our 405 00:24:36,119 --> 00:24:40,800 Speaker 1: home isn't healthy and doesn't help. What helps is creating 406 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:43,160 Speaker 1: a new standard together, and I think this is at 407 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:48,440 Speaker 1: the core of all relationship issues. We bring our own expectations, 408 00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:53,679 Speaker 1: our own projections from our own experiences, and expect that, 409 00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:56,399 Speaker 1: of course the other person will want to do it 410 00:24:56,480 --> 00:25:00,040 Speaker 1: that way, not realizing that we have to reset a 411 00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:04,800 Speaker 1: new standard and we have to review and reassess these 412 00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:09,199 Speaker 1: standards as life changes. Maybe your partner picked up an 413 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:13,440 Speaker 1: extra job, maybe you're spending more time at home, maybe 414 00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:16,480 Speaker 1: you've started a new side hustle, whatever it may be. 415 00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:23,000 Speaker 1: These expectations need to be reset and reassessed regularly. I 416 00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:26,520 Speaker 1: really hope you enjoyed this episode today. I hope that 417 00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:29,880 Speaker 1: your relationship doesn't fall apart because of some of these 418 00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:33,400 Speaker 1: smaller things that just pile up. I know so many 419 00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:38,840 Speaker 1: people's relationships that end based on small things. When they 420 00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:43,119 Speaker 1: started based on big things. They started based on big 421 00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:47,879 Speaker 1: points of connection, but they ended based on small points 422 00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:51,120 Speaker 1: of disconnection. I don't want that to happen for you, 423 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:55,120 Speaker 1: and I want you to be prepared for a future relationship. 424 00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:59,040 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to today. I hope 425 00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:01,359 Speaker 1: this helps you now the gates some of these common 426 00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:04,399 Speaker 1: challenges and relationships, and I can't wait for you to 427 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:09,000 Speaker 1: listen to another episode of On Purpose. Thank you so much.