Speaker 1: Welcome to couples Counseling with Chelsea hand job, where we
Speaker 1: do couples counseling on all sorts of variations of friends, lovers, families.
Speaker 2: Welcome to my office.
Speaker 1: Hi Catherine, Hello Chelsea. Welcome to many Nugget episodes.
Speaker 3: Doing a little couples counseling today.
Speaker 2: I love it. Let's go.
Speaker 3: We have actually a little update from Heather, who we
Speaker 3: I don't think we talked to her. I think this
Speaker 3: was just an email, but was from the Celeste Barber episode.
Speaker 3: She had found out her husband was cheating with a
Speaker 3: sex worker. He was the one that tried to blame
Speaker 3: the kids for the missing makeup sort of thing, and
Speaker 3: she was sort of like, what do I tell clients
Speaker 3: and other people who are like, why are you getting
Speaker 3: to vor Rest? You know, she wanted to tell them why.
Speaker 3: So she says, Hello, I'm writing to give you an update.
Speaker 3: I just heard this email read on the Celeste Barber
Speaker 3: episode on the one year anniversary of.
Speaker 2: The Prostitute visit.
Speaker 3: The advice, as always is spot on on a.
Speaker 2: Whole new chapter.
Speaker 3: And I've been brutally honest with some people and some
Speaker 3: people still don't know. But regardless it's my story to
Speaker 3: tell on my own terms. I can't believe I listened
Speaker 3: to this on the anniversary of it. All the universe
Speaker 3: is amazing. Thank you for all the good vibes you
Speaker 3: keep putting out there and for encouraging the rest of
Speaker 3: us to do the same. It certainly works.
Speaker 2: Heather, that's sweet. You know what I forgot to tell you?
Speaker 2: Did I tell you this?
Speaker 3: I don't know?
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: So remember there was an episode of this woman who
Speaker 1: called in. This was a couple of years ago, and
Speaker 1: she had a sister who had Down syndrome, and she
Speaker 1: her mother had their parents died I think or something, yes,
Speaker 1: I remember, and she was deliberating what to do about
Speaker 1: her sister, if she should have her sister move in
Speaker 1: with her, or if she should put her sister in
Speaker 1: a facility that could take care of her.
Speaker 2: She was kind of trying to start dating, sort of
Speaker 2: things like how am I going to meet a man?
Speaker 2: Like if I have my sister to take care of.
Speaker 1: So I bumped into this woman in Squamish Vancouver like
Speaker 1: or British Columbia.
Speaker 2: I should say, it's on the way to Whistler.
Speaker 1: I bumped into this woman with her sister, and she
Speaker 1: I've bumped into her now twice. So the first time
Speaker 1: I bumped into her, I was like, she goes, oh,
Speaker 1: I actually called into your podcast. And I looked at
Speaker 1: her sister, because her sister is very very obviously has
Speaker 1: Down syndrome, and she has this big personality.
Speaker 2: She's very funny and joyful.
Speaker 1: And I said, I know exactly who you are. You
Speaker 1: called me about your sister, and she's like, I can't
Speaker 1: believe you can remember that.
Speaker 2: I'm like me fucking neither. I mean all I hear about.
Speaker 1: From my team of people that work with me, well
Speaker 1: from two specifically their names are Karen and Mollie. Oh no,
Speaker 1: Actually Karen knows that I have a memory like a
Speaker 1: steel trap. But you know, there are certain things I
Speaker 1: remember and certain things I don't give a shit about.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, but I remember.
Speaker 1: And I was like, and so she took my, you know,
Speaker 1: my advice to come in and live with her sister.
Speaker 2: And then I ran into her again this past weekend and.
Speaker 1: I was having lunch and squamish with one of my
Speaker 1: poopsis and she said she was like, like, oh, she's
Speaker 1: getting older and she's got early stages of some of
Speaker 1: like little dementia and I said, oh my god, I
Speaker 1: didn't realize. I said, how, like, are you happy that
Speaker 1: you made this decision?
Speaker 2: Like, are you happy that you took my advice?
Speaker 1: And she said, I'm now worried about her having dementia,
Speaker 1: like I want more time with her.
Speaker 2: I want more time with her.
Speaker 1: And she's like in her forties and she's like, I
Speaker 1: don't know if she's losing it or if she's not
Speaker 1: going to remember any of this stuff. And it was
Speaker 1: like a brief interlude, but it was really just so.
Speaker 1: And her sister is this bright ray of sunshine. Of course,
Speaker 1: you know, anyone with Down syndrome is so special, like
Speaker 1: they exude this just joyfulness. And I know it's a
Speaker 1: lot of work for the caretakers, but it must be so.
Speaker 1: And a man who works for me at my house,
Speaker 1: he has a son who has Down syndrome, and I
Speaker 1: just found that out recently, and I was like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, what a gift, you know, because they are
Speaker 1: they're like being truly a joyfulness.
Speaker 2: Truly.
Speaker 3: We have in our family someone who's sort of an
Speaker 3: adopted like uncle figure, Michael Sarah, and he's always been
Speaker 3: in our family. He comes to every like holiday. We
Speaker 3: always see him at church, and he's like always so happy.
Speaker 3: He like gets what he needs if he needs a
Speaker 3: ride somewhere. He's like good at asking for what he is.
Speaker 3: But he's like a greeter at church. He like has
Speaker 3: jobs and he's always like a greeter or like doing
Speaker 3: something fun. He's just like a They're all just like
Speaker 3: a ray of sunshine.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I really really yeah, I love that. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I'm so glad you told me that.
Speaker 4: I know.
Speaker 2: I forgot to tell you. I was just sold. Now
Speaker 2: I know them like I would see them out. I'm like, okay, yeah, well.
Speaker 3: That's so good. That's so good. Well, we have a
Speaker 3: much sillier question some couples counseling to do so Janet
Speaker 3: and Bill are calling in. Janet says, Dear Chelsea, my
Speaker 3: husband touches his penis all the time, when he watches TV,
Speaker 3: when he talks on the phone, when he drives. He
Speaker 3: denies that he does. However, I call him out on
Speaker 3: it all the time. I have nicknamed him peenis fingers.
Speaker 3: He is a fifty five year old professional and he
Speaker 3: does it subconsciously. I'm afraid he's doing it at work too.
Speaker 3: When meeting with colleagues and clients. Can we meet with
Speaker 3: you to discuss Attached are two images of two different
Speaker 3: pairs of blue jeans. Please notice the location of the
Speaker 3: fade marks things.
Speaker 1: So he okay, okay, this is thank you for this,
Speaker 1: this Exhibit A and Exhibit B.
Speaker 2: It's like we're at It's like we're at the people's court.
Speaker 2: You guys, Yes, I love it. Okay, Hi guys, Hi,
Speaker 2: hello there, Hi, Penis toucher.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, So wait, this is over the pants,
Speaker 1: Penis Toucher.
Speaker 5: I have a defense ultimately, but we can get to
Speaker 5: that part of the case when you're ready.
Speaker 2: Okay, no, no, I'm ready, I'm ready. We're ready, as
Speaker 2: Domos Listo's.
Speaker 5: So the obviously you saw the evidence, the submission by
Speaker 5: my wife, and she's right, absolutely right. In fact, I
Speaker 5: didn't really know what that little fade mark was. She
Speaker 5: always kind of led me to believe, because she's so sweet,
Speaker 5: that it was because of the force of the girth.
Speaker 2: The magnitude of your penis.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the magnitude of your flaccid penis and your pants
Speaker 1: you mean.
Speaker 5: Well, but you know, but certainly you know I would
Speaker 5: sometimes get you know, anyway, So My point is the
Speaker 5: backforth wasn't included in this, which was ten years ago.
Speaker 2: I had hail to do with any of it.
Speaker 6: I've known this man for twenty five years. We would
Speaker 6: be sitting at a restaurant.
Speaker 4: Specifically, I have a memory of sitting at a restaurant
Speaker 4: down in Venice Beach and his entire arm went down
Speaker 4: his pants to his elbow just to move everything around.
Speaker 2: Yeah, full a jester all the time.
Speaker 5: That's true.
Speaker 2: True, What here is it?
Speaker 5: I don't there's a certain way that it sits. I'd
Speaker 5: like it to go to the right and not the left. Sure,
Speaker 5: just when it's when it's sitting to left, it just
Speaker 5: starts to really doesn't.
Speaker 2: That doesn't matter. You're touching in front of excuse.
Speaker 5: Me, your honor, excuse me.
Speaker 1: She's she First of all, she's absolutely right. No one
Speaker 1: wants to see that, No one, no one. You're you're
Speaker 1: putting your own personal needs above the entire universe. You
Speaker 1: think that you have, Like if I want to think,
Speaker 1: think about what you're saying. If I want to put
Speaker 1: my if my if I don't like the way my beaver,
Speaker 1: I could say the same thing. We have two sides
Speaker 1: to our vagina too. We have the right labia and
Speaker 1: we have the left labia.
Speaker 2: My genes.
Speaker 1: If my genes don't fall perfectly in the middle, I'm
Speaker 1: uncomfortable too, But I'm not adjusting my labia.
Speaker 5: Well, my point is you can't.
Speaker 6: I would, I.
Speaker 1: Would know you would be fine with it, But that's
Speaker 1: not the point. Most people wouldn't. So we're not just
Speaker 1: pleasing like ourselves and one other person. When you're out,
Speaker 1: you're you're gonna get in trouble, is what's gonna happen.
Speaker 2: You are because.
Speaker 1: Someone's really not gonna like it, and then they're gonna
Speaker 1: fucking be pissed. And you're what if you're in a
Speaker 1: work setting, I'm sure you've done that.
Speaker 6: So does not think that he does that. That was
Speaker 6: my concern is that he will be in his office
Speaker 6: here talking on the phone, touching it, moving it around.
Speaker 6: And I said, well, Bill, when you're at your office,
Speaker 6: you do it subconsciously.
Speaker 2: You have got to stop.
Speaker 4: You're making your clients and your colleagues feel uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you have to retrain your brain. Bill, It's not
Speaker 1: gonna take long. And first of all, you have to
Speaker 1: stop being defensive about it, because you're wrong. Yeah, you're wrong,
Speaker 1: and she's right, Like nobody. You can't put your hand
Speaker 1: down your pants. I thought you were doing it over
Speaker 1: your pants, and I.
Speaker 2: Am doing it.
Speaker 4: Just did it right now.
Speaker 1: We're gonna have to get you like one of those
Speaker 1: little dog collars that zaps you every.
Speaker 2: Single time you touch it with a remote.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're gonna have to do something to retrain your
Speaker 1: brain because it's like a neural pathway thing. You've gotten
Speaker 1: so deep into it that you don't even know you're
Speaker 1: doing it.
Speaker 2: What kind of underwear are you wearing? Do you wear
Speaker 2: boxer shorts?
Speaker 5: I wear the brief box for briefs.
Speaker 2: Okay, can you tape your penis to the side of it?
Speaker 5: I was what's funny I was thinking about this. What
Speaker 5: I was thinking, I wonder if she's gonna cope with
Speaker 5: a good solution? Was recently since this, I was thinking,
Speaker 5: is there a way for me to, like you said,
Speaker 5: tape it over or so some sort of special pocket.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I think what you need to do, and I'm not joking.
Speaker 1: I think you need to get like an elastic band,
Speaker 1: Like you take an elastic band from like a pair
Speaker 1: of sweatpants, put it around underneath your jeans. This is
Speaker 1: only a temporary This is only gonna be temporary because
Speaker 1: once your brain starts to rewire itself, you're not gonna
Speaker 1: do this. But you need to get like an elastic
Speaker 1: band from a pair of sweatpants that's tight around it,
Speaker 1: so that you not too tight, so that you're cutting
Speaker 1: off your penis circulation. Because I know how important your
Speaker 1: penis is to you, and I'm sure and how important
Speaker 1: it is to your wife. I mean getting less and
Speaker 1: less important by the day. But you tape just elastic
Speaker 1: band your penis where you want it, so then even
Speaker 1: when you go to do it, you're gonna go, oh wait,
Speaker 1: it's already in the spot because you're doing it subconsciously
Speaker 1: at this point.
Speaker 5: So it's sort of a goomonic device.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, unless you want us to zap you. I mean,
Speaker 1: this is the first This is gonna be the first.
Speaker 2: Avenue that we explore. Yeah, put an elastic band and
Speaker 2: you're not too tight.
Speaker 1: You don't want to hurt yourself, but just to put
Speaker 1: everything where you want it to be, okay, and then
Speaker 1: when you go to adjust it after like six, seven,
Speaker 1: eight times, you're going to realize you don't have to
Speaker 1: because it's already there. So that's helping everyone. You're helping
Speaker 1: the world by helping yourself.
Speaker 3: And I guarantee, like with everything that's on the internet
Speaker 3: right now, there are like dressed to the left, dressed
Speaker 3: to the right underwear, and.
Speaker 2: I'm sure you can find that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it really might be as simple as that, or
Speaker 3: as like changing the style.
Speaker 2: Of jeans you're wearing.
Speaker 3: So it's like going the right direction, but a couple
Speaker 3: of other things just to break yourself of the subconscious
Speaker 3: habit is. You know some people swear by the like
Speaker 3: on your wrist, you have like a rubber band rule
Speaker 3: where you just like snap it every time you catch
Speaker 3: yourself or are caught.
Speaker 1: I don't trust built. I don't trust Bill to do that.
Speaker 1: I already don't trust Bill to do that. Listen, Bill,
Speaker 1: I don't want to shame you because I also have
Speaker 1: a really bad habit of picking my nose when I'm alone.
Speaker 2: Like I do it's so subconscious.
Speaker 1: Like my sisters when I was growing up would be like,
Speaker 1: get your fucking finger out of your nose, And it's
Speaker 1: there's something about when I'm driving that I just want
Speaker 1: my finger in my nose. And so many people pointed out,
Speaker 1: like are you picking your nose? And it's always in
Speaker 1: a car, And I finally, I really had to just
Speaker 1: really be as conscientious about it as possible, Like nobody
Speaker 1: wants to see me picking my nose, even if I'm
Speaker 1: alone in my car, Like then it's a personal decision,
Speaker 1: but doing it alone in my car perpetuates the motion,
Speaker 1: the subconscious behavior. So I've stopped doing that, Like I
Speaker 1: pick my nose in a bathroom with a tissue now
Speaker 1: like a real person, because it's disgusting.
Speaker 2: And because when I'm picking my nose in my car,
Speaker 2: where are the boogers going? Everyone knows where they're going,
Speaker 2: and that's not you know what I mean. That's disgusting too.
Speaker 1: So like if I'm on a plane, even if I
Speaker 1: think about picking my nose, now I get up, I
Speaker 1: go to the bathroom and I pick my nose in
Speaker 1: privacy and.
Speaker 2: With the poshm. Yes, because it was pointed out to me.
Speaker 1: And I want to make and as like a human
Speaker 1: member of society, I want to do my best, and Bill,
Speaker 1: I want you to do your best, yes, because this
Speaker 1: isn't it, This isn't.
Speaker 5: It No exactly, people would say, I'm not like a
Speaker 5: selfish person that we going. I'm a pretty nice person,
Speaker 5: but this is your right. I hadn't thought about it
Speaker 5: as a habit, like picking your nose in public, because
Speaker 5: even if it's like your choice to do that, it's
Speaker 5: like you're still affecting others around you. And I hadn't
Speaker 5: thought of it from that perspective.
Speaker 1: Yes, and your action as actually could be taken as
Speaker 1: like a sexual you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And you don't want that. You don't want any
Speaker 2: of that noise, like if you do that in front
Speaker 2: of the wol zones or anything. Well, what you don't know?
Speaker 2: You that you don't you probably do? You know you're
Speaker 2: doing it. You don't even know you're doing it.
Speaker 4: I mentioned it to my twenty three year old daughter yesterday.
Speaker 4: I'm like, hey, so I'm kind of embarrassed to tell
Speaker 4: you this because I'm sure you've never noticed. But Bill
Speaker 4: does this, and she goes, oh, yeah, I noticed it
Speaker 4: all the time.
Speaker 2: He adjusts it all the time, which makes me think
Speaker 2: he is.
Speaker 4: Adjusting it between in front of her and all of
Speaker 4: her twenty three year old friends.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you, Bill, you probably are. So take a day.
Speaker 1: Take a day, you know what I mean?
Speaker 2: Feel your shame.
Speaker 1: And then let's come out tomorrow like a new and
Speaker 1: improved Bill.
Speaker 2: This is this is beneath you.
Speaker 1: Bill.
Speaker 3: Now I want to echo something that you said to
Speaker 3: Chelsea because I found some like therapeutic steps to take,
Speaker 3: which is kind of exactly what you did with the
Speaker 3: nose picking.
Speaker 2: But it's a three step process called.
Speaker 3: Alert, avert and affirm. So you alert, you become alert
Speaker 3: to the behavior, you realize you're doing it or already
Speaker 3: died of a wife tells you you're doing.
Speaker 2: You're alerted already, John check.
Speaker 3: And then you redirect avert is redirect the behavior, so
Speaker 3: maybe you know, crack your knuckles, maybe like you do
Speaker 3: something else with your hands, that's like fine.
Speaker 2: And then also affirm yourself.
Speaker 3: You're not a bad person for adjusting yourself. You just
Speaker 3: don't want to do it anymore.
Speaker 2: Alert, avert, affirm.
Speaker 4: Bill.
Speaker 2: I would like to thank you very much.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I would like to thank you guys for this
Speaker 1: upbeat call because this is a very this is a
Speaker 1: pleasure of my morning.
Speaker 2: This is entertaining. And Bill, you're a brave man.
Speaker 1: To come on this podcast and allow your wife to that.
Speaker 1: That means you are a good man and you want
Speaker 1: to do better.
Speaker 5: If I had the support of environment and some of
Speaker 5: these tools that you with you two instead of which,
Speaker 5: for shame, I probably would make more.
Speaker 2: Okay, well, now you have all three of us, so
Speaker 2: you're ready to get.
Speaker 3: Exactly And for listeners out there, this is the kind
Speaker 3: of call we love to.
Speaker 2: Yes, please, yes, we like this kind of horseship. Okay,
Speaker 2: so we want an update.
Speaker 1: Okay, will you give us an update in a few weeks,
Speaker 1: let us know how things are going.
Speaker 2: You're gonna be happier, Bill, I promise.
Speaker 5: I'm going to buy a compair of jeans just for
Speaker 5: this occasion and then show you in like six months
Speaker 5: that it hasn't been worn down.
Speaker 1: Or buy a sport so that you can't even access it,
Speaker 1: or that you don't want to. Oh no, then he'll
Speaker 1: go in under day forget it, never mind, never mind
Speaker 1: forget that.
Speaker 5: Probably I didn't know that was an option.
Speaker 1: DELI delete all right, thanks, thanks, bye.
Speaker 2: Guys, have a great day. Bye bye guy. Okay.
Speaker 1: My remaining dates for Vegas, There are remaining dates for
Speaker 1: this year. Summertime is coming and I will be a
Speaker 1: in Vegas at the Cosmo doing my residency on July fifth.
Speaker 1: We will be the next date that I'm there July fifth,
Speaker 1: August thirtieth.
Speaker 2: And then November one and twenty ninth.
Speaker 1: November first and November twenty ninth, I will be in
Speaker 1: Las Vegas at the Cosmo performing Inside Myself at the Chelsea.
Speaker 2: It's called Chelsea at the Chelsea for a reason. Okay,
Speaker 2: thank you.
Speaker 3: Do you want advice from Chelsea? Right into Dear Chelsea
Speaker 3: Podcast at gmail dot com. Find full video episodes of
Speaker 3: Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at Dear Chelsea pod.
Speaker 3: Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive
Speaker 3: producer Catherine law And be sure to check out our
Speaker 3: merch at Chelseahandler dot com