Speaker 1: It's I do Part two. On this podcast, We're going
Speaker 1: to talk about looking for love the second time around.
Speaker 1: I'm Chock Chapel. Some of you may know me from
Speaker 1: the Golden Bachelorette where I met my beautiful fiance Joan.
Speaker 1: We've had a great time together. I've got to tell you,
Speaker 1: guys all about that. Before I met Joan, I was
Speaker 1: just like you the listeners, looking for my due part two,
Speaker 1: and I know it's not always easy to open up
Speaker 1: yourself to love, and again, when a marriage doesn't work out,
Speaker 1: there's a lot of challenges and a lot of questions. Today,
Speaker 1: I'm excited to answer some of the questions that you
Speaker 1: the listeners have, because I'm going to tell you this.
Speaker 1: I think I'm pretty good at it and I've had
Speaker 1: a lot of counts late in a lot of years
Speaker 1: underneath my belt in the love world. So let's get started. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's go to my first caller, Amy.
Speaker 2: Hi, my name is Amy, and I have a question.
Speaker 2: I am have been divorced for about fifteen years and
Speaker 2: just have turned fifty, and it feels like the online
Speaker 2: dating sites don't really work for me anymore. Just wanted
Speaker 2: to see if you had some advice on places outside
Speaker 2: of the dating apps to meet people that are over fifty.
Speaker 1: Thank you well, Amy, I'm glad you asked that question
Speaker 1: because it comes up all the time. And the guys
Speaker 1: on the show, they talked about dating apps. It worked
Speaker 1: for a couple of them, a lot of them didn't
Speaker 1: like it or it just didn't fit. But when people
Speaker 1: ask me that question, what I do is I go,
Speaker 1: let's think about how many people you know and what
Speaker 1: you really want in life. Some people are just looking
Speaker 1: for that number one soulmate, you know that's going to
Speaker 1: replace somebody that they were maybe married to or that
Speaker 1: they lost to disease or an accident. But what I
Speaker 1: do is I say, let's look at the people that
Speaker 1: you know, because references in the world, it's you know,
Speaker 1: it's always what we say is it's people, people people people.
Speaker 1: And if you can tell your friends that you're open
Speaker 1: to dating, and I'm very adamant about this, don't do
Speaker 1: this too quick. If you don't really want to date,
Speaker 1: let's you know, don't muddy the waters. But if you're
Speaker 1: ready to start dating, the first thing I'd recommend is
Speaker 1: to tell your friends say hey, I'm looking and a
Speaker 1: lot of people go I live in a small town,
Speaker 1: I live in a city. My friends don't have anybody.
Speaker 1: You'd be amazed. And then once you ask them that favor,
Speaker 1: to say, hey, if you know someone or if you're
Speaker 1: considering somewhere, one of your friends might have it, they'll
Speaker 1: open up. So apps my personal opinion work twenty fifteen
Speaker 1: to twenty percent of the time. The rest of it's
Speaker 1: just getting out. But if I were to do one thing,
Speaker 1: that would be to ask people for referrals. And when
Speaker 1: I say referrals, I'm a business guy. But hey, do
Speaker 1: you know anybody that I might find interesting? They might
Speaker 1: find me interesting, somebody I could have breakfast with a
Speaker 1: cup of coffee, a lunch, just get to know people.
Speaker 1: I have a very good lady friend of mine I've
Speaker 1: known my whole life, and her name is Jennifer. She
Speaker 1: was living in Austin and she went on a match
Speaker 1: date and the gentleman she was having the dinner with
Speaker 1: just said, Jen, you know we're I don't think we're
Speaker 1: the right people, but I have a friend of mine
Speaker 1: that i'd like for you to meet. She's been married
Speaker 1: to him Dave for probably ten years, have a great relationship.
Speaker 1: They moved back to my hometown of Witchtock, Kansas. They've
Speaker 1: got a great life together, so it can happen. That
Speaker 1: was just kind of an interesting thing on a dating
Speaker 1: app that's worked a couple of guys on the show.
Speaker 1: As I mentioned earlier, they are on the dating apps
Speaker 1: and they like it, but I think they're still kind
Speaker 1: of playing a numbers game. They're not looking for that
Speaker 1: one soulmate. They're just looking to meet people and to
Speaker 1: see what happens. So, you know, my advice to you
Speaker 1: is just get out there, open your heart and ask
Speaker 1: people that you know, and then we'll go to it
Speaker 1: with some other questions and some other detailed things I
Speaker 1: think you could do to find love. Okay, now we're
Speaker 1: going to go to Melissa, and she's got a great
Speaker 1: question for me.
Speaker 3: Hi, my name is Melissa, and I would like to
Speaker 3: know how to approach a new relationship when you're not
Speaker 3: quite recovered from your last one. Inevitably, we compare people
Speaker 3: to someone we used to love and that doesn't always
Speaker 3: work out and it's not fair to them. So how
Speaker 3: do I get out of that headspace of comparing a
Speaker 3: potential suitor to my ex?
Speaker 1: Thank you Melissa again? Another great question. What I feel
Speaker 1: about this Because I was married for twelve years, two kids,
Speaker 1: and then I had a long term relationship with somebody
Speaker 1: for nine years. It's tough and it's a challenge to
Speaker 1: get them out of your mind. But Joanah and I
Speaker 1: have talked about this. We don't want those other loved
Speaker 1: ones out of our mind. You just look at it
Speaker 1: as a chapter of your life and go, I had
Speaker 1: this person for this amount of time. Whatever happened happened,
Speaker 1: but then learn from it. Joanah and I had conversation
Speaker 1: today and we were talking about gifts and those type
Speaker 1: of things, and I love how what I asked her is,
Speaker 1: I said, what are the important gift dates for you?
Speaker 1: And she goes my birthday, Christmas, and then Valentine. She goes,
Speaker 1: I've always loved something for Valentine, So she goes John
Speaker 1: that was her husband. You know, That's what we did.
Speaker 1: And Melissa, I personally feel that if you have a
Speaker 1: jealous partner, there's a bigger issue. A little bit of
Speaker 1: jealousy is probably a healthy thing, but someone that just
Speaker 1: dwells on it and really gets frustrated when you talk
Speaker 1: about an ex, talk about a past I think they
Speaker 1: might be controlling. That's just my opinion, so I'd be
Speaker 1: very cognizant of that. But again, you know, talk about
Speaker 1: your past, open up, because Joana and I have done that,
Speaker 1: and that's one of the things that really attracted the
Speaker 1: two of us to each other is you know, it
Speaker 1: wasn't picked up on the show, but at Disneyland we
Speaker 1: talked about our exes, and when we had dinner, I
Speaker 1: went into a little bit more detail. But during the
Speaker 1: day Jonah talked about it because I was curious and
Speaker 1: I wanted to know her history. And I know, and
Speaker 1: I'm okay with myself going if John was still alive,
Speaker 1: I probably wouldn't be in the picture. And Joan said,
Speaker 1: I was married for thirty two years. It was just
Speaker 1: a terrible circumstance that happened. He passed have cancer. So
Speaker 1: you know, just just go slow and talk about your
Speaker 1: ex I really think that's a compliment to them. You
Speaker 1: owe that. But then with your new relationship, they need
Speaker 1: to know how you feel and you have to be
Speaker 1: open to move forward. And I've said this time and
Speaker 1: time again, it takes a little bit of time. Some people,
Speaker 1: my father has not had a lot of time between
Speaker 1: his relationships. He's been married thirty five years now, but
Speaker 1: before that it was you know, they call him a
Speaker 1: trapeze artist and where they kind of jump from one
Speaker 1: to another. And his last wife, they've just had a
Speaker 1: great relationship. So it's worked. But just be comfortable. And
Speaker 1: here's the other thing too, is it's communication and honesty
Speaker 1: and if you're honest, you're going to win in the
Speaker 1: long run. So again, thanks meliss a great question. Okay,
Speaker 1: now we're moving on to Jessica, who has another great
Speaker 1: relationship question. All right, Jessica, Hi, talk.
Speaker 4: This is Jessica calling. I had a question for you
Speaker 4: that I would love your advice on. I am in
Speaker 4: a relationship with a divorced man. He was married to
Speaker 4: his ex wife for fifteen years and we have a
Speaker 4: great relationship. We've been together for about like almost six
Speaker 4: months now. We're great, but there is one thing that
Speaker 4: I kind of struggle with within our relationship. His ex
Speaker 4: wife is a little bit overbearing and he's always on
Speaker 4: the phone with her or has to leave the room
Speaker 4: to call her and text her a lot, and sometimes
Speaker 4: he becomes like a bit emotional when talking about her,
Speaker 4: whether it's angry or upset about thinking something about the past.
Speaker 4: And they don't have any kids together, so I understand
Speaker 4: if they were to be talking often because they need
Speaker 4: to talk about the kids, but they don't have kids,
Speaker 4: so I don't really understand why they communicate so much.
Speaker 4: And they have been divorced for two years now, and
Speaker 4: I ask him a lot if you know he still
Speaker 4: has feelings for her, and he says no, he just
Speaker 4: cares about her, and he claims to let me know
Speaker 4: in the beginning of when we started dating that she'll
Speaker 4: just always be in his life. But it's challenging for me,
Speaker 4: so I'm just trying to think of a way to
Speaker 4: communicate to him that it really bothers me and it
Speaker 4: really comes off like he still has feelings for her.
Speaker 4: So I would love your advice on this.
Speaker 5: I think it would really help me.
Speaker 4: Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: By Jessica. This is a tough one and what you're
Speaker 1: going to get from me is just my opinion. But
Speaker 1: I have been through a lot of counseling in my life,
Speaker 1: especially when Kathy was passing, and with my wife, my
Speaker 1: only wife is we try to keep our marriage together.
Speaker 1: This doesn't sound healthy from your standpoint, and just to
Speaker 1: be direct with you. If he's still having that much
Speaker 1: communication with her, there's a red flag. It's one thing,
Speaker 1: as you'd mentioned, if you have kids, because you just
Speaker 1: have to deal with the kids. And I really appreciate
Speaker 1: and foster when divorced parents communicate about their kids because
Speaker 1: it's a great way to raise them and let them
Speaker 1: know that they love each other. But he has to
Speaker 1: let go of that. A previous caller was talking about,
Speaker 1: you know, just the communications about with the dating couple,
Speaker 1: about your prior exes. You have to do this, But
Speaker 1: I personally would not be involved with somebody that was
Speaker 1: talking to their ex every day for multiple times. It
Speaker 1: was getting emotional and walking into the next room and
Speaker 1: having private, private conversations. There might be some codependency there.
Speaker 1: And again I'm not a licensed therapist, but that's kind
Speaker 1: of what it sounds like to me. And for both
Speaker 1: of them to heal and move on, I think if
Speaker 1: you really say he's a great guy, he's probably a
Speaker 1: great guy. But I would say you're going to have
Speaker 1: to concentrate on me. This is too much, And that's
Speaker 1: just my personal opinion, but I think for you to
Speaker 1: be healthy, you need to take a stance there because
Speaker 1: I would not want to date somebody the rest of
Speaker 1: my life have them always talking with their exit moving away.
Speaker 1: And I'm a person that says I mentioned in a
Speaker 1: couple other questions that I had, I have lady friends.
Speaker 1: I absolutely believe that you can have friendships with the
Speaker 1: opposite sex and it doesn't have to be sexual. Joan
Speaker 1: has a very good friend, doctor Ron, who's a great guy.
Speaker 1: I've met him a couple of times. He's open to me.
Speaker 1: He's just a great guy. And I'm not jealous.
Speaker 6: I'm not.
Speaker 1: I think they've got a great relationship. She's decorated his
Speaker 1: doctor's office. I mean, so that can happen. But if
Speaker 1: she was talking about Ron the whole time, I would know,
Speaker 1: is that person in the relationship. There's a problem, there's
Speaker 1: a red flag. So I wish you luck, and there's
Speaker 1: a reason why you called that. I would, frankly, as
Speaker 1: they say, lay the law down and say, you know,
Speaker 1: this is just too much and take it from there.
Speaker 1: But tough one, and I wish you luck. Thank you
Speaker 1: for the call. Okay, we've got another call from Cassie.
Speaker 1: She's divorced and she's got a great question. So Cassie.
Speaker 5: Hi, my name's Cassie, and I am a divorced sea
Speaker 5: living in sunny Florida and I'm just trying to get
Speaker 5: back out there. But I'm really like an in person
Speaker 5: kind of gal, and so I hate using the dating apps.
Speaker 5: And yeah, I just don't know how I should go
Speaker 5: about meeting guys at this stage in my life in person.
Speaker 5: Please any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated.
Speaker 1: Well, Cassie, this is another question that we've got on
Speaker 1: the dating apps. And I just smiled because after I
Speaker 1: got divorced, I was on the dating apps for a
Speaker 1: couple of years and I've got some great stories, I
Speaker 1: mean absolutely bizarre. Not some good people, but there are
Speaker 1: some interesting people out there. But the stats today say
Speaker 1: there's like forty percent of couples that beat through dating apps.
Speaker 1: And then my kids they're on them all the time,
Speaker 1: both of them were single. My son's actually started dating
Speaker 1: someone that he did meet on an app. They do work,
Speaker 1: but for the generations. I don't know how old you are.
Speaker 1: And I went on to Forbes to do some research
Speaker 1: on this, and there's like eight dating apps and there's
Speaker 1: one like you know my age, you know Match is
Speaker 1: the one that's been around. E Harmony still ranks up
Speaker 1: as number one, so I wouldn't throw them away. I
Speaker 1: just be selective and doing that. But your main question
Speaker 1: is how do I meet people? And I've said this before,
Speaker 1: and I read a Dale Carnegie book and it was
Speaker 1: just about opening up to people and saying hi. And
Speaker 1: then there was another book about a person says, get
Speaker 1: on the elevator and face the wrong way. I did
Speaker 1: that with Joan the other day. She was nervous, but
Speaker 1: it made me talk to people. I looked him in
Speaker 1: the eye, and I'm not really that outgoing Joan is.
Speaker 1: I'm a kind of an introvert, but I forced myself
Speaker 1: to meet people because I like to meet people. And
Speaker 1: then the other thing is when you meet people, it's
Speaker 1: not about you, it's about them. If you'll just ask
Speaker 1: some simple questions, people will open up to you. And
Speaker 1: there's going to be some people that shun you and
Speaker 1: walk away. But you know, for meeting people, it could
Speaker 1: be at the grocery store, it could be at a gym,
Speaker 1: it could be at a church. It could be through friends.
Speaker 1: I love meeting people through friends. And if you go
Speaker 1: to a party in my business world. The gentleman I
Speaker 1: used to work for, if we went to a big conference,
Speaker 1: we couldn't sit at the same table with people that
Speaker 1: we knew. He goes, I want you to go meet
Speaker 1: new people, So forcing yourself to do that, but just
Speaker 1: that actual little high how are you doing, we'll get
Speaker 1: conversations started. My best friend met somebody in New York
Speaker 1: City at the TSA line and it was curving around.
Speaker 1: He just said, hey, how are you doing? And they
Speaker 1: ended up in a relationship. So open yourself, but be open.
Speaker 1: And again, some of us that are on the introverted side,
Speaker 1: it's tough to do, but don't be afraid. What's the
Speaker 1: worst thing that's going to happen. Usually they'll kind of
Speaker 1: walk away or you know, you know, I'm not interested,
Speaker 1: or something like that. But I think it's good training
Speaker 1: to do that because if you do wait and I've
Speaker 1: had people ask this question too, why do I end
Speaker 1: up with the wrong guy? Probably because they're coming to you.
Speaker 1: What about you? Just and it's not aggressively but just passively,
Speaker 1: just saying hi to people and see where it goes.
Speaker 1: And again, I'm the biggest fan of asking your friends,
Speaker 1: friends and family, going Hey, I'm ready to date again.
Speaker 1: Do you know of anybody? So if you don't like
Speaker 1: the appse that's the best place to start. But he
Speaker 1: got another friend of mine that met someone at the
Speaker 1: gas station who was pumping gas just across from him
Speaker 1: and just started talking to them. You have to say something,
Speaker 1: and not everybody's going to say something when I say
Speaker 1: you have to, but not everybody's going to approach another person.
Speaker 1: But be warm, a little bit of eye contact, and
Speaker 1: just be confident. And this is one thing I'm a
Speaker 1: guy that I see about ladies. Had lunch today with
Speaker 1: a business client of mine and I saw a lady
Speaker 1: walk into the restaurant who wasn't a tent attractive person
Speaker 1: but wasn't a tent, but are confidence And it just
Speaker 1: kind of I noticed that, So have the confidence. And
Speaker 1: then I've had people go, well, I'm a bigger girl,
Speaker 1: I'm this, I'm that Confidence is who you are. And
Speaker 1: if you'll train yourself to say i'm this person, I'm
Speaker 1: a good person, it's going to open up a lot
Speaker 1: of avenues to you. So I get the dating the
Speaker 1: app dating because I did it. It was a crazy ride.
Speaker 1: I could tell I could go for five hours on
Speaker 1: the stories that I had. But I met some great people.
Speaker 1: But I didn't meet anybody that I ended up with
Speaker 1: through through a dating app other than Kathy, that was
Speaker 1: my significant other of the past. We met through Facebook
Speaker 1: and she approached me and it was interesting. She just
Speaker 1: sent me an it's a DM on Instagram. I don't
Speaker 1: know what it was on Facebook, but she just said, Hey,
Speaker 1: I know your dad. I'd like to I know you
Speaker 1: know my father. I'd like to meet you. So open up,
Speaker 1: smile and people talk to them and just have a
Speaker 1: good time. But again, great question, and I wish you
Speaker 1: the best. Okay, We've got another great question for Monica,
Speaker 1: who was recently out at a bar. And when any
Speaker 1: question starts with hey I was at a bar, I
Speaker 1: love to answer these, So Monica, bring it on.
Speaker 2: Hi, my name Monica.
Speaker 6: I have a question.
Speaker 5: And I got this reaction show when I was out
Speaker 5: at a bar that a look that was like, oh,
Speaker 5: she's divorced. Our man really intimidated by divorced women.
Speaker 1: Let me know, all right, Monica, and I had a
Speaker 1: Monica that worked for me for a number of years,
Speaker 1: so that name makes me smile. Are men intimidated if
Speaker 1: a woman's divorced, I would say once you get past
Speaker 1: thirty to forty years old, absolutely not. The divorce rate
Speaker 1: is over fifty percent in the United States. It just happens.
Speaker 1: And a lot of times people get married when they're
Speaker 1: too young. And this is just me preaching going they
Speaker 1: really didn't know what they wanted, what they were doing.
Speaker 1: They might have been attacked, attracted to a type somebody
Speaker 1: likes the jock at high school. It just wasn't the
Speaker 1: perfect uh, the perfect spouse forum, or someone got into somebody,
Speaker 1: you know, a professional that was going through multiple years
Speaker 1: of or college that added that kind of stress. So no, men,
Speaker 1: mature men are not and especially those with confident are
Speaker 1: not intimidated with ladies that have been divorced. Absolutely no way,
Speaker 1: shape or form. What's interesting, though, is you'll have some
Speaker 1: that don't want to get into a blended family, and
Speaker 1: you'll see that. I've had that with a couple of
Speaker 1: my friends. But the majority of them love the blended family.
Speaker 1: You know, most of us have kids, some of us,
Speaker 1: you know, there's a certain percentage that don't. But no,
Speaker 1: that's part of it. And the nice thing is if
Speaker 1: people really love people, they'll go into that open armed,
Speaker 1: open hearted, and just love the situation. So don't worry
Speaker 1: about that at all. And I would actually I wouldn't
Speaker 1: lead off with that. But if somebody just said, and
Speaker 1: this was some of the best advice I ever had,
Speaker 1: is never blame your ex, never because it looks bad,
Speaker 1: and just say, hey, it didn't work out. We had
Speaker 1: a great relationship. And that's what I say with my
Speaker 1: ex wife is we were two different people. We got
Speaker 1: married probably a little you know, a little younger, a
Speaker 1: little premature, but we had two great kids. She's got
Speaker 1: a great husband now she's very happy. So I wish
Speaker 1: you the best. So that's the people you want your life.
Speaker 1: But again I'll tell you, don't ever be embarrassed at
Speaker 1: you're divorced, because so many of us have been through that.
Speaker 1: Good luck to you. Okay, we've got another great question
Speaker 1: from Lisa. Really I'm dying to hear this one. Bring
Speaker 1: it on.
Speaker 7: Hi. My name is Lisa, and I just wanted to
Speaker 7: ask for some advice. I'm getting back into the dating
Speaker 7: scene for the first time in twenty years. You know,
Speaker 7: my divorce is only behind me, but I'm nervous about
Speaker 7: getting intimate. Do guys feel the same way about this
Speaker 7: kind of thing. I feel like I'm self sabotaging potential
Speaker 7: low connections because I'm like super self conscious. So any
Speaker 7: advice there to.
Speaker 1: Think, Lisa, what a great question, and for a gentleman
Speaker 1: that's been through that and who has a lot of
Speaker 1: people in their lives and frankly we talk about it.
Speaker 1: The intimacy is probably one of the biggest challenges that
Speaker 1: any of us face when we get back into the
Speaker 1: dating world. There are some people, and you'll smirk at this,
Speaker 1: some of the listeners will that had a marriage or
Speaker 1: a relationship and they didn't have a lot of sex
Speaker 1: at the end of it. It could go on for
Speaker 1: five or ten years. So when they get out, they're
Speaker 1: very interested in the intimacy. Intimacy is in the eye
Speaker 1: of the beholder, and it's what you're all comfortable with.
Speaker 1: Some people like it, some people love it, and you
Speaker 1: know the timing. Everybody asked, well should I you know,
Speaker 1: I dated someone and they said, I won't have sex
Speaker 1: for like ninety days. And I don't know about their
Speaker 1: history on that, but that's what they just said. And
Speaker 1: I think what had happened with them is they got
Speaker 1: into some relationships were intimate. And then one thing about intimacy,
Speaker 1: it either brings you together or it will push you
Speaker 1: apart where it doesn't work. And I've also read numerous
Speaker 1: times where a pretty famous psychiatrist said, I like it
Speaker 1: when people have sex or intimate early in because they
Speaker 1: find out if that's going to work, because if it doesn't,
Speaker 1: it'll lead to a lot of problems down the road.
Speaker 1: So the confidence comes from, you know, the sexual confidence.
Speaker 1: The intimacy really comes from yourself. I'm sixty two years old.
Speaker 1: I don't look like I used to when I was
Speaker 1: twenty and thirty years old, so I'm not is in
Speaker 1: a good shape, But you just have to be comfortable
Speaker 1: and a lot of it is like with Joan. I
Speaker 1: like to hold her and I really really like to
Speaker 1: snuggle with her. And it's it's been out on social
Speaker 1: media that she's not a big handholder, and I've really
Speaker 1: got her changed on that. But I love snuggling with her,
Speaker 1: and so maybe that's not sex, but just that touch
Speaker 1: and it makes you feel very good. I've got also
Speaker 1: a rule that I kiss her whenever we're together. I
Speaker 1: kiss her before I go to bed every night. I
Speaker 1: think that's important. We were very fortunate that we haven't
Speaker 1: had any fights. But I just think that that's part
Speaker 1: of it, because you said intimacy and not sex, but
Speaker 1: sometimes they can go together. But you are the only
Speaker 1: one that will know, unless you know when you're ready
Speaker 1: for it and when the time is right. If it's
Speaker 1: not right, or if you just don't feel comfortable after
Speaker 1: a certain period of time, or it's happened multiple times,
Speaker 1: I want to go see a therapist. I'm a huge
Speaker 1: fan of a therapist, and a friend of mine is
Speaker 1: a therapist. He goes. They're just tune ups and they
Speaker 1: can help you through it. But no one wants to
Speaker 1: be affluozy. No one wants to be too easy. But
Speaker 1: it is a big part of life, and the intimacy
Speaker 1: and having sex can bring a couple closer, and it
Speaker 1: can bring love and enjoyment to you. So I hope
Speaker 1: that helps. It's kind of a tough question, but I
Speaker 1: do want to reiterate again. I think it's very important
Speaker 1: you do it at your own time and never let
Speaker 1: anybody push you. You won't be happy with that, but
Speaker 1: be open to it because as a man, it's a
Speaker 1: big part. You know how big it is. Some guys
Speaker 1: they really that's very important. Other guys they're okay with it.
Speaker 1: And the other thing too, I'll mention is you're our age.
Speaker 1: You said you were just getting back into the dating
Speaker 1: world after twenty years. As you get a little bit older,
Speaker 1: it's not as important when you were younger. But again
Speaker 1: that's where all kind of debate to the left and saying,
Speaker 1: you know, if you're not ready, and it can lead
Speaker 1: to it, and you can put you in a bad situation.
Speaker 1: But you know, just a hug or the cuddle, holding
Speaker 1: hands and that close touching intimacy is a second best.
Speaker 1: So I wish you a lot, but again, do it
Speaker 1: at your own pace. Thanks. Great question. Okay, we've got
Speaker 1: another question from a lady named Meghan. All Right, Megan,
Speaker 1: I'm real curious on this one.
Speaker 6: Hello, my name is Meghan, and I have a question.
Speaker 6: I live in a really small town and and you
Speaker 6: live in a really small palty. You're dating someone, their
Speaker 6: exes are everywhere, and so I guess I'm wondering how
Speaker 6: I should be handling that interaction with my boyfriend. So,
Speaker 6: my boyfriend and I am constantly running into his exes.
Speaker 6: They work at different establishments around town, and we constantly
Speaker 6: run into him, and I feel like he constantly has
Speaker 6: the need to check in with them spend time with them,
Speaker 6: and I try to play it cool and not be jealous,
Speaker 6: but there are times where it's like really hard to
Speaker 6: do that. So I guess I just don't understand what
Speaker 6: his mindset is when he feels like he has to
Speaker 6: go over and say hello, or he has to spend
Speaker 6: time checking in with them while I'm saying somewhere else
Speaker 6: and not doing the same thing. It's just in a
Speaker 6: small town, it's really hard to not be friends with everybody,
Speaker 6: so you want to try and keep your cool and
Speaker 6: not really be jealous or have an issue with anyone
Speaker 6: that's around here because it's too small. So I guess
Speaker 6: I'm just wondering how I should handle that, or why
Speaker 6: he keeps feeling a need for people that he's no
Speaker 6: longer with to like him.
Speaker 1: Megan, what a question. And I've got some parallels to this.
Speaker 1: I grew up in a small, rural farming community. I
Speaker 1: grew up out in the country. There were thirty four
Speaker 1: people in my graduating class, so when you say small town,
Speaker 1: I can relate to that. There's an old saying, as
Speaker 1: you in a relationship or even a business relationship, you
Speaker 1: have to teach people how to treat you. And I
Speaker 1: think it's very rare if people just have this, you know,
Speaker 1: I use the word parallel, where everything is perfect and
Speaker 1: you don't get hurt by something they say or they do.
Speaker 1: If it bothers you, and the way you described it,
Speaker 1: I think it is too much. And I would tell
Speaker 1: that person and then you'll find out if they really
Speaker 1: care for you. There are people, and there's a lot
Speaker 1: of people, and they're good people and they want to
Speaker 1: be nice to people. But spending too much time when
Speaker 1: you're in a new relationship is not healthy. Because if
Speaker 1: I was the other guy that was with the lady
Speaker 1: that he used to date and he's spending time with him,
Speaker 1: I'm going something that's not right there. So as we
Speaker 1: get older we figure this out or we don't, and
Speaker 1: we're just kind of that person. And I don't know.
Speaker 1: The guy could be a great person, but I know
Speaker 1: where you're coming from, and for you to ask that question,
Speaker 1: I would say, there's a problem. But first of all,
Speaker 1: I would tell he might say, hey, you know this
Speaker 1: bothers me. I understand you're a nice guy. You want
Speaker 1: to say hi, but I do need your attention, and
Speaker 1: you can even use that word it's disrespectful. Only you're
Speaker 1: the one that can say it's disrespectful. But as I've
Speaker 1: gotten older and Jonah and I've talked about this, as
Speaker 1: we can argue and we can you know, we can
Speaker 1: have different positions, but when you're disrespectful to the person
Speaker 1: that you're with, that's a problem. So I can't tell
Speaker 1: you specifically if he's being disrespectful, but I wouldn't say
Speaker 1: it's a small town because it sounds like if it
Speaker 1: was a bigger town or a city, he'd be doing
Speaker 1: the same thing. So I think you just have to
Speaker 1: communicate with him and say this is important to me.
Speaker 1: And I'm not jealous, it's just I don't think it's
Speaker 1: healthy for our relationship. So I wish you luck. That's
Speaker 1: a tough one and almost everybody goes through that, even
Speaker 1: in the big cities where you see people and you
Speaker 1: just have to be comfortable. But he is your man,
Speaker 1: and he needs to treat you like you're his woman,
Speaker 1: And I go back to respect. So if he was
Speaker 1: a friend of mine, i'd say the same thing of going, hey, guy,
Speaker 1: you're in a relationship, you've made that commitment. You like
Speaker 1: this person, you need to respect her and the relationship.
Speaker 1: So my advice helps you there. But just I'd go
Speaker 1: back and i'd have a heart to heart and also,
Speaker 1: you know, start off the conversation too, say I'm not jealous,
Speaker 1: but this is how I feel. And I think you'll
Speaker 1: get some good results out of this, and I wish
Speaker 1: you the best, So take care. Okay, We've got a
Speaker 1: voicemail from Claire, and that name is familiar. This Claire
Speaker 1: is not familiar to me, but one of my first
Speaker 1: girlfriends was named Claire, so I'm very interested to see
Speaker 1: what she has to say. So Claire, bring it on.
Speaker 8: Hi, this message is for Chalk. My name is Claire
Speaker 8: and I am divorced, no kids.
Speaker 4: I've been divorced for a couple.
Speaker 8: Of years and I've been dating a divorced single dad
Speaker 8: for about three months now and he hasn't talked to
Speaker 8: me about introducing me to his kids yet, and I'm
Speaker 8: just wondering, like how to bring it up because I
Speaker 8: don't have kids of my own, and I know it's
Speaker 8: a really sensitive topic, but I feel like this is
Speaker 8: a really serious, potentially serious relationship and I really like
Speaker 8: Rip's headed and I just don't know how to bring
Speaker 8: it up. I really do want to meet his kids,
Speaker 8: so help.
Speaker 1: Claire. What a good question. And I've got some experience
Speaker 1: with this. I don't know if my opinion is going
Speaker 1: to be right, but I do have some experience. We
Speaker 1: recorded a show for Drew Barrymore, Joan and I did.
Speaker 1: It was very interesting. They had a guy on there
Speaker 1: that talked about his crashed relationships because within a month
Speaker 1: he would take them to meet his mother and family.
Speaker 1: And it was interesting. They had a psychiatrist on there
Speaker 1: and then the crowd, the audience got involved and they
Speaker 1: asked me for my opinion. And you're saying three months.
Speaker 1: At one month, I thought that was too early, and
Speaker 1: the psychiatrist said, they have to earn that, and they
Speaker 1: have to earn that, not in a negative way, but
Speaker 1: just spend time with you. You know that there is
Speaker 1: a true future because you don't want to hurt kids.
Speaker 1: As we get older, we're adults. We can take the lumps.
Speaker 1: Kids get attached, or they might get jealous. I'm a
Speaker 1: divorced guy, daughter and son. My daughter has been very
Speaker 1: tough on some of the some of the men that
Speaker 1: my ex wife has dated, just because in my eyes,
Speaker 1: I'm her dad and she's grown out of that. But
Speaker 1: she was pretty tough, So there's some good part of it.
Speaker 1: But you being a mom without kids, if I understand correctly,
Speaker 1: you're probably gonna love them. And I will tell you
Speaker 1: this is I can just ramble on this. I've got
Speaker 1: a number of friend couples that elected not to have
Speaker 1: kids or they couldn't have kids, and I look and
Speaker 1: I go, they would have been great parents. So give
Speaker 1: this a little time. And I would say up to
Speaker 1: six months. And after six months, because they're a part
Speaker 1: of him, I would say I'd give him till six months,
Speaker 1: give him a little bit of breathing room. Hopefully the
Speaker 1: ex wife is comfortable. You never you know, I don't
Speaker 1: know how their marriage in it, if there's any contentciousness
Speaker 1: in it, you know, if there's issues there. But maybe
Speaker 1: he's working through that, or maybe he just doesn't want
Speaker 1: the kids to see him with another woman. And a
Speaker 1: lot of the other thing I'll met you too, is
Speaker 1: a lot of it depends on the age of the kids.
Speaker 1: You didn't mention that. The younger they are, it's a
Speaker 1: little bit tougher. The older they get it because they
Speaker 1: might be dating or they're a little bit younger than
Speaker 1: the dating age. But the young kids they just don't know.
Speaker 1: So my advice to you is give it another three
Speaker 1: months and mentioned to him just once or twice, but
Speaker 1: don't mention it too much, just going, hey, when you're ready,
Speaker 1: i'd like to meet your kids. And then the other
Speaker 1: thing i'd say, I know they're a big part of
Speaker 1: your life, and if we're going to have a future,
Speaker 1: I'm going to be part of their life too. The
Speaker 1: lady Kathy that I was involved with for nine years,
Speaker 1: I was very fortunate. Her husband was very at her
Speaker 1: ex husband was very active in raising those kids. He
Speaker 1: was a great guy. And one of the reasons that
Speaker 1: it really worked for us. I didn't have to raise
Speaker 1: the kids. He was there the you know, really the
Speaker 1: raising them, the disciplining and all that was just not
Speaker 1: part of it. Kathy and I just had this great relationship.
Speaker 1: So you got to set that up. I'm glad you're
Speaker 1: thinking about it. It shows you're a good person that
Speaker 1: you want to meet them. But don't meet the kids,
Speaker 1: but don't push it. Give it another six months and
Speaker 1: just once or twice ago, but you know, say hey,
Speaker 1: it's time. But at the five to six months, I'd say, hey,
Speaker 1: I think it's time I meet your kids. And then
Speaker 1: you know, I'm going to go to this further. No
Speaker 1: sleepovers for a long time. When you meet the kids,
Speaker 1: especially if they're young, just don't do it. It's not
Speaker 1: fair to them. It sends so many mixed signals. Even
Speaker 1: though you might be tired one night or something like that,
Speaker 1: don't do it. It's just not healthy. Give them time
Speaker 1: to grow and mature and to figure these things out.
Speaker 1: So I wish you luck. I'll say it again, five
Speaker 1: or six months. At three, it's a little early, and
Speaker 1: it's all about the kids. You just don't want to
Speaker 1: hurt them psychologically, and you don't know what I don't
Speaker 1: know what they're going through. So good luck. Sounds like
Speaker 1: you got a great guy. I bet it's going to
Speaker 1: work out. I truly think this one will work out
Speaker 1: for you. Just give it a little bit of time
Speaker 1: and patience. So good luck to you. Thanks, thanks for
Speaker 1: the question. Okay, now what we're going to do after
Speaker 1: those call in questions, We're going to go through some
Speaker 1: emails that were sent to me all right here is
Speaker 1: a great question from Martha. Martha states on her email
Speaker 1: tomorrow would be my twenty fifth wedding anniversary. I wish
Speaker 1: it didn't matter. I'm fifty seven, chunky, and scared to
Speaker 1: put myself out there. I was that girl in school
Speaker 1: that was friends with the guys and never dated that
Speaker 1: much in the first place. After being out in the
Speaker 1: dating scene for this long, I have no idea where
Speaker 1: to start, what to say or to do. How will
Speaker 1: I ever find love? Part two? When I'm here. So
Speaker 1: I've got a story for you, Martha. When I was
Speaker 1: in college and I went to Kansas State University, there
Speaker 1: was a lady and I'll give you her a first name,
Speaker 1: but not her last name, Carol, because I'm not going
Speaker 1: to say it. But Carol was a little chunky. But
Speaker 1: you know what she did. She cooked for us. She
Speaker 1: was a great person. She was so much fun, and
Speaker 1: she was a great friend to the guys that I
Speaker 1: hung out with and we all worked out a lot.
Speaker 1: She would cook, She was just the funnest person in
Speaker 1: the world. She was a little chunky. And the reason
Speaker 1: I'll tell you this story is the guys we all
Speaker 1: got together after, you know, years after college, we goes
Speaker 1: whatever happened to Carol, and almost every one of us go,
Speaker 1: you know, we should have married her. She was such
Speaker 1: a good person. So you know your body types. And
Speaker 1: the other thing I'll tell you is people are attracted
Speaker 1: to different things. And as we get older, and you
Speaker 1: said you're a little bit up in age, that physical
Speaker 1: part is not the most important. So go for a walk.
Speaker 1: You know, if you want to lose a little weight,
Speaker 1: try to eat a little healthier. It'll make a little
Speaker 1: bit of difference in your confidence, or hopefully a lot
Speaker 1: of difference. But don't be worried about that, because there's
Speaker 1: a person out there that's going to love you for
Speaker 1: who you are. And just open yourself up. So it's
Speaker 1: been a long time. I'll keep repeating myself, just meet
Speaker 1: people and fine. And then I haven't said this before,
Speaker 1: but I I do believe in it. And this is
Speaker 1: what happened with Kathy and I. She asked me to
Speaker 1: coffee and it was just very hate Would you like
Speaker 1: to have a cup of coffee? And I said yes,
Speaker 1: And we were together nine years before she passed away.
Speaker 1: So all of us have something to offer, and I'll
Speaker 1: meet people throughout my life I meet, you know, a
Speaker 1: ton of people through business, through the Bachelor Show, and
Speaker 1: they're also interesting. And what you do is we get
Speaker 1: a little bit older, you want that interesting person or
Speaker 1: someone you go that's going to be a really good
Speaker 1: mate for me, a companion. So I wouldn't worry about
Speaker 1: being chunky if it bothers you, you know, cut back
Speaker 1: a little bit, take a walk, it'll be good for you.
Speaker 1: But there's a guy out there for you. So you know,
Speaker 1: just keep your head up, show the confidence and be interesting.
Speaker 1: And you know, the other thing is I'm not a
Speaker 1: big dresser. There's guys that were on the show that
Speaker 1: were just to the tea. I like to say, I'm
Speaker 1: just going to look good. I'm not gonna look frumpy.
Speaker 1: And I think that's important too, is just to take
Speaker 1: care of yourself. I mean, not take care of yourself,
Speaker 1: but dress. And the other thing is we can all
Speaker 1: hide a little bit, you know, when we put a
Speaker 1: little time into our outfits. So that's another thing you
Speaker 1: might do. But we all know as we get older
Speaker 1: that you know, we're not in the shape or the
Speaker 1: condition we were in our twenties. But remember Carol, for me,
Speaker 1: she was a great lady. I don't know whatever happened
Speaker 1: to her, but we all look back and go she
Speaker 1: was probably the one that got away, So I wish
Speaker 1: you luck. Take care. Okay, we've got another email question
Speaker 1: that came in from Miranda. What advice would you give
Speaker 1: for a single mom in a small town who is
Speaker 1: struggling to find the time and opportunity to meet new people. Also,
Speaker 1: any advice on how not to feel defeated by dating apps? Well,
Speaker 1: dating apps and I could talk about this for a
Speaker 1: long long time, and there's a reason why they call
Speaker 1: it swipe left or swipe right. They're tough and you
Speaker 1: won't always get I think a dating apps almost like
Speaker 1: a job interview. But there's a lot of fraud. There's
Speaker 1: no other way to put it. There's a lot of
Speaker 1: fraud in dating apps. Is you're probably going to get
Speaker 1: the best the person is. That's going to be the
Speaker 1: best picture. It's going to be, you know, and a
Speaker 1: lot of times it's not who they really are. I've
Speaker 1: seen my daughter and I went through it. My daughter's
Speaker 1: twenty five and she's on the apps, and she was
Speaker 1: showing me pictures of these guys and they'll be like
Speaker 1: with their dog or with their mother, and then she'll
Speaker 1: find out that they haven't seen their mother in twelve years.
Speaker 1: You know, just these kind of things. So it is
Speaker 1: what it is. But I would tell you what the
Speaker 1: dating apps. Have an open mind, and then know that
Speaker 1: there's a car crash in about every other one or
Speaker 1: every third one, and then just make sure your picker
Speaker 1: is is on. You know, your picker is really working.
Speaker 1: And but you can meet some great people. My brother
Speaker 1: met his wife on Match and they've been married. They've
Speaker 1: got a twelve year old son. You know, we all
Speaker 1: know the people that have met people through dating apps.
Speaker 1: And then i'd also match. If you want to go
Speaker 1: back to the dating apps, I'd match it with your personality.
Speaker 1: I've made a couple of notes and you might find
Speaker 1: this interesting, like pull this up the nine Big Day.
Speaker 1: Not in any order, but they're in order. E Harmony
Speaker 1: supposedly they do the best research and get the best matchmaking.
Speaker 1: Here's one for us that are older, date my age
Speaker 1: dating dot com. St stir kind of sounds like it's
Speaker 1: a hookup place. Match our Time, which is for us
Speaker 1: older people. Zoosk Elite Silver Singles, Christian Mingle and if
Speaker 1: you're Jewish Jay date. So there's a lot of them
Speaker 1: out there. I think if you were just using one
Speaker 1: and you got frustrated with it, because there's fifty year
Speaker 1: a hundred of them out there, I wouldn't let that
Speaker 1: bother you. I would try it, But then I always
Speaker 1: go back to making the time. So you live in
Speaker 1: a small town, I grew up in a small town,
Speaker 1: there's still people there to meet. You just have to
Speaker 1: make yourself available. Let's say that you're working one or
Speaker 1: two jobs, you've got kids, you don't have a lot
Speaker 1: of time on the weekends, you can take a lot
Speaker 1: of time or even I'd mentioned before in a couple
Speaker 1: of other calls, I've had friends that have met people at
Speaker 1: gas stations at the TSA line, And what you have
Speaker 1: to do is you have to be open. Because when
Speaker 1: I was single, if I was somewhere and it was
Speaker 1: the best looking woman in the world and she didn't
Speaker 1: even make eye contact with me, I knew that there
Speaker 1: was probably no choice, no chance on that. So just
Speaker 1: make eye contact and be nice. And if you're not
Speaker 1: a talker, just kind of open up and you don't
Speaker 1: have to flirt with them, but just make eye contact
Speaker 1: and be look friendly and trust me, it'll probably work
Speaker 1: for you. But I grew up in a small town.
Speaker 1: I know it's you know, it's tough because there's not
Speaker 1: that many people. But if there is a chance you
Speaker 1: date someone there, the thing is you'll know them or
Speaker 1: a friend will know them, and you can get that reference.
Speaker 1: You go into a big city, you just don't know.
Speaker 1: You're talking five to ten dates before you even really
Speaker 1: get to know who the person is or what they do.
Speaker 1: Because if you go look online, you go to Instagram, Facebook,
Speaker 1: the dating apps, you're probably not going to get the
Speaker 1: whole story because everybody tries to be bigger, quicker, stronger,
Speaker 1: faster and better looking. So I wish you luck, but
Speaker 1: you know, keep your head up there there's people out there,
Speaker 1: and just be nice and say hi to people. It'll
Speaker 1: be interesting to see what you come up with. So
Speaker 1: good luck to you. Okay, we've got We've got an
Speaker 1: email from Shary. Shary, I would love some dating advice.
Speaker 1: I always feel like I picked the wrong men, dysfunctional,
Speaker 1: the controlling type. I've lost my desire to date and
Speaker 1: bury myself in other things like TV and work. Any
Speaker 1: advice would be great. How can I spot these type
Speaker 1: of men faster and find the right kind. Well, I
Speaker 1: will tell you sharing my dentist spells her name or
Speaker 1: the dentist that I go to spells her name the
Speaker 1: same way. If you could figure that out, you would
Speaker 1: write a book and you'd be a billionaire and you'd
Speaker 1: probably be hanging with JK. Rowlins in a castle in Europe.
Speaker 1: That is one of the toughest things. And what I
Speaker 1: will tell you is if you date, you get experience,
Speaker 1: and then you have what I call are non negotiables.
Speaker 1: Non negotiables are right eighty to ninety percent of the time.
Speaker 1: You know, if you want to date somebody in the
Speaker 1: same religion you have, you want to date somebody that's
Speaker 1: not been divorced three times. And I'm a big advocate
Speaker 1: of this is almost all of us have been divorced
Speaker 1: more than fifty percent. So somebody goes data divorced person,
Speaker 1: especially when you're our age, it just dwindles it down.
Speaker 1: I don't want somebody to have kids in the home.
Speaker 1: Those type of things, those are the easy ones. The
Speaker 1: detecting of the personality. And I had somebody very smart
Speaker 1: in my life goes. I give them test because just
Speaker 1: talking and all that's kind of easy. But I'll give
Speaker 1: them little tests about what would you do in this
Speaker 1: situation or this happened to me? How would you handle
Speaker 1: it different? And you'll be able to read those people.
Speaker 1: But then narcissism and sociopath path that is out there
Speaker 1: and you have to be very cognizant of it, and
Speaker 1: you don't want those people in your life. Trust me,
Speaker 1: they are bad news. And if you see that where
Speaker 1: they continually put themselves above you or other people, you
Speaker 1: don't want it. You're going to have a miserable life.
Speaker 1: And I'm being very strong on my opinion there, but
Speaker 1: I have a saying that I brought from my mother.
Speaker 1: I wish I would do that, but she goes. I
Speaker 1: just said this on the Drew Barrymore Show that the
Speaker 1: person needs to make your life better. And it's not
Speaker 1: that they're subservient. They're giving you gifts all the time,
Speaker 1: but they have to make your life better. And if
Speaker 1: they don't make your life better, there better be something
Speaker 1: that you really like about them. But it's not healthy.
Speaker 1: And the thing is, as we get older, it's healthy relationships.
Speaker 1: It's the sea communication and then healthy relationships. So I
Speaker 1: wish you luck. But if you get you know, we
Speaker 1: live in a world of second chances, but be careful
Speaker 1: with that and you might have to date or be
Speaker 1: patient and not date for a while till you find
Speaker 1: that right person. But looks fade as we get older,
Speaker 1: but the character is there. And make sure that person
Speaker 1: has the morals, the morality, the interest that you have.
Speaker 1: And they don't always have to line on interest, but
Speaker 1: somebody that you could sit there. Another good thing is
Speaker 1: can I see myself getting older with this person? Ladies
Speaker 1: will go I don't want a nurse or a purse
Speaker 1: because they're sitting to going to all these guys. They
Speaker 1: kind of want me to just take care of them
Speaker 1: when I get older, and that's not what they want
Speaker 1: to do if they're active. So that's another thing to consider.
Speaker 1: But spending time with them, asking questions and watching them.
Speaker 1: There's an old thing that's an old saying with people
Speaker 1: that have addictions is don't listen to them. Watch their feet.
Speaker 1: And that's the same thing with people. If you think
Speaker 1: you've got a bad picker, watch their feet, watch what
Speaker 1: they do, don't listen to them. And I've learned that
Speaker 1: in my life. I wish I could say I never
Speaker 1: had to learn that lesson, but I have. But be
Speaker 1: careful of it. But be patient and be kind and
Speaker 1: carry but look for those signals. And I wish you luck. Okay,
Speaker 1: this is one from Lisa. Is there one dating site
Speaker 1: better than the other? I work remotely, so I can
Speaker 1: live anywhere in the world. Well, my daughter works remotely too,
Speaker 1: and she goes I can live anywhere in the world.
Speaker 1: The thing is, would I give you advice on a
Speaker 1: dating it app? I've only used. I used e Harmony
Speaker 1: and Match, but years ago after I got divorced, so
Speaker 1: I'm really not qualified. I can just tell you what
Speaker 1: I've heard from people. You have to look at a
Speaker 1: bunch of them and then you have to be selective.
Speaker 1: It's just like picking a mate. So E Harmony and
Speaker 1: I'm not promoting e Harmony, but they're still, you know,
Speaker 1: ranked as the number one because I remember going through
Speaker 1: their questionnaires and it takes like I shouldn't say two hours,
Speaker 1: but it felt like two hours where they ask you
Speaker 1: all these relationship feeling, morality questions. I think that's what
Speaker 1: is needed. Instead of posting a picture in a bedroom
Speaker 1: or a lady posted a picture showing you know her assets.
Speaker 1: I think that's just a bad, bad, bad idea. I
Speaker 1: met somebody through a friend of mine. I met her
Speaker 1: and her husband. They actually met on linked In. I
Speaker 1: didn't realize that LinkedIn had a dating but both of
Speaker 1: them were professionals, and she said, I wanted to find
Speaker 1: another professional. My younger brother met his wife on Match
Speaker 1: and he lives back in DC, and the filters that
Speaker 1: they have are just incredible. He wanted he's an attorney,
Speaker 1: and he wanted somebody that had a postgraduate degree, didn't
Speaker 1: have to be an attorney certain things, and he matched up,
Speaker 1: but he was living in such a big city and
Speaker 1: he found his wife. They've been happily married. So I
Speaker 1: would play with all of them. And when you get
Speaker 1: on there, if they don't ask a lot of in
Speaker 1: depth questions, they just want your money, but also ask
Speaker 1: your friends. I get it. I can tell you almost.
Speaker 1: I think any series or group of ladies that are single,
Speaker 1: one or two of them have tried it. But the
Speaker 1: other thing, too is be patient. And I'm a firm
Speaker 1: believer of trying a little bit of everything in life.
Speaker 1: I'd get on the dating apps, but when I was
Speaker 1: on them, I mean, it was just it was just
Speaker 1: it was just never ending. And not that I'm special,
Speaker 1: but there was just so many people on them. How
Speaker 1: many of them more bots, how many of them more real?
Speaker 1: And then you would see somebody that you'd like and
Speaker 1: you'd write something interesting. You never hear from them, So
Speaker 1: you've got it. You know, you've got to be tough.
Speaker 1: You've got to be ready for a little bit of
Speaker 1: rejection or when you do finally talk to that people
Speaker 1: that person. But I met a couple of people that
Speaker 1: are still friends on Match, and actually I referred one
Speaker 1: of them to the show if they do the Golden Bachelor,
Speaker 1: I think she'd be perfect for it. So you meet
Speaker 1: a lot of interesting people, but just be selective on
Speaker 1: who you think is going to be somebody that makes
Speaker 1: your life better. And I want to talk too about
Speaker 1: opening the distance up when you put your criteria in
Speaker 1: for an application for a dating app. Back when I
Speaker 1: did it, I had an office in Kansas and then
Speaker 1: one in Florida, and a lady that I met and
Speaker 1: I did not lie, but I said, I've got an office.
Speaker 1: I'm traveling back and forth to Florida. I met her
Speaker 1: down there and we really liked each other. But the
Speaker 1: distance wasn't going to work. She wasn't going to move
Speaker 1: to Kansas. Her family was down there, and at the
Speaker 1: time I had young kids. Like right now, people always go, well,
Speaker 1: is are going to work? With Joan and myself, I
Speaker 1: think it will work, and I believe it will work
Speaker 1: because our kids aren't in the house. Joan is very
Speaker 1: tied into her grandkids. My kids have both moved away,
Speaker 1: So my business and my friends keep me in witch Top.
Speaker 1: But at some point we'll make a decision and we'll
Speaker 1: find out what we're going to do. But I would
Speaker 1: be open. I can't tell you. And I'm very fortunate
Speaker 1: in my business because I customer service and I work
Speaker 1: with so many people that I hear these stories. A friend,
Speaker 1: mind ken Wells, he met his wife and she lived
Speaker 1: about one hundred and eighty miles away, and usually go, well,
Speaker 1: that's too far away. They met, she elected to move
Speaker 1: to Wichita. She is so ingrained in the community and
Speaker 1: now she's doing VRB homes all over the country and
Speaker 1: they just have a great life. So if you're going
Speaker 1: to open it up, make sure that you're willing to travel.
Speaker 1: Another friend of mine out of Wichita is dating somebody
Speaker 1: in Kansas City. This is a lady friend and she goes,
Speaker 1: it's a little bit of work, but he's a good
Speaker 1: man and we're willing to do it and we're willing
Speaker 1: to make it work. And she goes. At some point,
Speaker 1: we'll have to figure it out. But I wish them
Speaker 1: the best. So be very realistic, realistic when you say
Speaker 1: how many miles are, what your distance is going to be,
Speaker 1: because don't expect them to come see you every time.
Speaker 1: If the relationship is going to work, and it's going
Speaker 1: to have to be a given a flow that you're
Speaker 1: going to have to do this, but you will definitely
Speaker 1: meet more people. And I would look into it. But
Speaker 1: you have to sit there and say, am I willing
Speaker 1: to travel? Can I drive there? Can I drive there safely?
Speaker 1: Can I fly? Am I willing to do this? Because
Speaker 1: you'll meet, you'll meet, You'll just expand and you take
Speaker 1: that circle and you just keep expanding it. You might
Speaker 1: have five times the amount of interested parties in it.
Speaker 1: But you better be willing to travel. But I wouldn't
Speaker 1: if I lived in a small town, because we've had
Speaker 1: some people go small towns or small cities. If you're
Speaker 1: not willing to travel, don't do it because it's not
Speaker 1: fair to expect either a male or a female to
Speaker 1: always come see you. But I do. I would personally,
Speaker 1: I would expand it, but I'd have a little soul
Speaker 1: searching with myself, going, am I willing to drive an hour?
Speaker 1: Two hours? Those type of things? What I'd be willing
Speaker 1: to fly to see someone? Am I willing to relocate?
Speaker 1: Because as we get older, this isn't a game. And
Speaker 1: you know, we're not just saying hey, what you know?
Speaker 1: This might sound fun. These are people's lives and it's
Speaker 1: our future. So just be careful. But ask yourself those
Speaker 1: questions and you'll trust me, you'll have a good time. Okay,
Speaker 1: I have one final email question. This one's from Chrissy.
Speaker 1: That was my younger sister's name who passed away at
Speaker 1: a young age. So Chrissy, I love it on a missip.
Speaker 1: How do I attract the right guy that actually wants
Speaker 1: a commitment? Why am I only attracting men who want
Speaker 1: something casual? Well, first of all, is a guy probably
Speaker 1: sixty to seventy percent just wants something casual, and so
Speaker 1: your your job in the dating world is to ferret
Speaker 1: that out. We're not all bad, and it's a different
Speaker 1: point in the life that lives that they're at and
Speaker 1: you're at. Younger guys, we all know it's going to
Speaker 1: be a lot more casual as you get older. You
Speaker 1: want a partner and what I would look at and
Speaker 1: it's almost, you know they say dating, Especially the first
Speaker 1: couple of days, it's almost like a job interview. You
Speaker 1: got to be fun, you've got to be interesting, but
Speaker 1: you've got to ask some questions. And I'm a big
Speaker 1: believer of just kind of throwing out test questions. But
Speaker 1: I did have somebody one time gone. This is probably
Speaker 1: harder than any job interview I had. But I'm like,
Speaker 1: this is my time, my life, and I don't want
Speaker 1: to waste your life as well attracting the right person.
Speaker 1: And what I think this is, it's it's so natural.
Speaker 1: I had question from somebody that said that they were chunky.
Speaker 1: I have guy friends that like chunky ladies and vice versa.
Speaker 1: Women are much more relaxed with how people are their
Speaker 1: body types than men. But there's still men out there
Speaker 1: that are looking for that right person. And trust me,
Speaker 1: and what I will tell you from a guy that's
Speaker 1: worked out his whole life. My daughter she has. She's
Speaker 1: a great cook and she's not a size zero, and
Speaker 1: I'm so proud of her. She loves to cook, and
Speaker 1: I go, honey, you can marry a billionaire. All you've
Speaker 1: got to do is cook for them. And it's a
Speaker 1: little joke that she and I have, So you know,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't worry about that much. But attracting and being
Speaker 1: attracted to someone is natural. But then also look and
Speaker 1: go are they a good person? If you're younger, would
Speaker 1: they be a good spouse? Are they going to be
Speaker 1: a good parent? Are they going to be this as
Speaker 1: you get older? Are we going to be compatible? Are
Speaker 1: they going to like my family, my friends? Are we
Speaker 1: going to grow old together or are they just going
Speaker 1: to play golf or sit on the couch and I
Speaker 1: want to go do things. I want to play cards.
Speaker 1: So you go through that and you've got to be careful.
Speaker 1: I just my advice to people is, don't settle. We
Speaker 1: all know somebody in our life is gone. I've settled,
Speaker 1: and it's their life, and for whatever reasons they stay
Speaker 1: with them. It could be family, it could be money,
Speaker 1: it could be kids, it could be just complacency. But
Speaker 1: just my advice to you if you don't have to,
Speaker 1: don't settle and just keep looking for that right person.
Speaker 1: And it's very tough as we get older to change people,
Speaker 1: but I do. I say this with Joan, is work
Speaker 1: with me on a new experience. I might like it.
Speaker 1: Just last week we were in Mexico. I don't like heights.
Speaker 1: I mean, I've flown airplanes before, but being outside in
Speaker 1: the wind, I don't like being high. We were on
Speaker 1: a paarasail that was probably seven or eight hundred feet.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't have never have done it. If Joan goes, hey,
Speaker 1: let's go do it, and you know I'd probably go
Speaker 1: do it again. So be patient throughout the ideas and
Speaker 1: know how to. It's not manipulative, but it's opening men's eyes.
Speaker 1: Because we're stubborn, we think we know it all. We
Speaker 1: don't need maps to get somewhere. But a woman, a
Speaker 1: smart intellectual woman that we need, has that map and
Speaker 1: they can kind of direct us. I have extremely successful friends, surgeons,
Speaker 1: big business guys, private equity, that type of thing. Every
Speaker 1: one of them, and most of these guys are long
Speaker 1: term marriages, which I respect. But every one of them
Speaker 1: has a great woman. And when I say strong strong
Speaker 1: in their own ways that they work it out. My
Speaker 1: friend that's an orthopedic surgeon, his wife is a doctor.
Speaker 1: They work it out. My other buddy that's a neurosurgeon.
Speaker 1: His wife quit working to take care of the kid
Speaker 1: and to make sure everything does. Now they're traveling and
Speaker 1: have a great time. They just make it work. So
Speaker 1: think of that. But then I always go back to communication.
Speaker 1: You never know what's going to happen tomorrow, but you
Speaker 1: can kind of feel it out. Especially if you're concerned
Speaker 1: about picking the right or the wrong guy, ask him
Speaker 1: those questions, test them a little bit. And I respect
Speaker 1: it when somebody. I've had people when I was dating,
Speaker 1: going well, what about this? What about this? Would you
Speaker 1: be opening? Somebody asked me to go would you be
Speaker 1: open to adopting a baby? And I'm like, you know
Speaker 1: this before I met Jonah's probably fifty eight to fifty
Speaker 1: nine years old, and I go, no, I'm honestly not.
Speaker 1: And they wanted to do that, and good for them,
Speaker 1: but that wasn't going to be something I was willing
Speaker 1: to do. So ask questions. And the other thing is
Speaker 1: spend time time. We call it repetition is repetition because
Speaker 1: then you see other people react and then I mentioned
Speaker 1: this on another question, and watch their feet. And if
Speaker 1: you think you're concerned about not being attracted or not
Speaker 1: finding the right guy, see what they do, not what
Speaker 1: they say. We are men, you know, we'll do some things,
Speaker 1: but you know, watch them and there are a lot
Speaker 1: of good men out there. I'll just tell you I'm
Speaker 1: very fortunate to know a lot of good men. There's
Speaker 1: a lot of good husband material out there. Unfortunate things happen, divorces,
Speaker 1: people pass away, So just be patient and be open.
Speaker 1: But I wish you luck and we're out there, but
Speaker 1: we do need a little bit of help. Okay, before
Speaker 1: I get out of here, we're going to do some
Speaker 1: rapid fire and I really like rapid fire, and I
Speaker 1: will tell you all the way through the show. And
Speaker 1: for those that didn't know, I'd never watched a Bachelor
Speaker 1: series before that because I wanted to just be fresh
Speaker 1: the podcast, I never researched. The only thing I really
Speaker 1: researched was the dating sites of what the popular was,
Speaker 1: because I thought that was going to be some of
Speaker 1: the questions that came up today. But I'm really interested
Speaker 1: in these rapid fire because you're going to get my
Speaker 1: honest quick response. So here we go. Valentine's Day overrated
Speaker 1: or underrated? Did you and Jones celebrate well? Joan and
Speaker 1: I just spent two weeks together. She is with her mother,
Speaker 1: her mother in law going to a birthday party this weekend,
Speaker 1: so we're not celebrating it. But I did send her
Speaker 1: a gift, and I will tell you. I called her
Speaker 1: and I said, I need to know what's important to you,
Speaker 1: what days? And she goes my birthday, Christmas and Valentine's.
Speaker 1: So she got a Valentine's gift for me, and I
Speaker 1: told her, I said, I'm a guy. You never have
Speaker 1: to buy me anything. What meant something for me is
Speaker 1: she text me. By the time I woke up and
Speaker 1: I get up early in the morning, she had text
Speaker 1: me and just said I love you. Happy Valentine's And
Speaker 1: we have this little thing. She goes, you make my
Speaker 1: life better. So it's not the most important day for me.
Speaker 1: Joan likes it because of the love. But I would
Speaker 1: say it's very important, and to most guys it's really not.
Speaker 1: But teach us, teach us why it's important to you. Okay,
Speaker 1: the next one, what's one thing every woman should know
Speaker 1: about dating a divorced man. We come with baggage, and
Speaker 1: not that because we're divorced that we're were we have baggage.
Speaker 1: It just comes. You're going to come with kids. Most
Speaker 1: guys right after they get divorced or frankly broke because
Speaker 1: they go through the divorce, They've got to split everything up.
Speaker 1: We're going to have challenges. We're going to have it
Speaker 1: x in her life. That's going to be good, bad,
Speaker 1: or indifferent. So those things come. And what I would
Speaker 1: say is be patient. And one of the previous questions was,
Speaker 1: well he keeps talking to his ex wife. I don't
Speaker 1: believe in that. I think you can have communication if
Speaker 1: you guys see each other if there's something to deal with,
Speaker 1: but everyday communication No. But and this is I'll tell
Speaker 1: you this is kind of a strong personality. Guy is
Speaker 1: we need help. We're not codependent, but we go through
Speaker 1: a divorce a lot of us are lost. I remember
Speaker 1: the day after I moved out and I had a
Speaker 1: rental house, and I woke up in the morning and
Speaker 1: I go what happened to my life? And so what
Speaker 1: kept me together were my kids and having a place
Speaker 1: to go for work, so be patient and try to
Speaker 1: figure out what's important to them. Okay, the next one,
Speaker 1: how long should you casually date someone before putting an
Speaker 1: official label on their relationship. I heard a good one
Speaker 1: the other day. What the kids do now is when
Speaker 1: they're in a committed relationship, they're off the apps. This
Speaker 1: is completely subjective, ladies, And it's like, who says I
Speaker 1: love you first? I told Joan I loved her first,
Speaker 1: and I'm okay, because I'm a confident guy. You know,
Speaker 1: it could be it could be a month. And there's
Speaker 1: people that just with Kathy, I had one date with
Speaker 1: her and I knew that she was the one and
Speaker 1: we were together nine years solid after that first date.
Speaker 1: So it kind of depends. I don't have a problem
Speaker 1: putting a label on it, especially if you're sleeping together
Speaker 1: and you're intimate, because I think people should do that
Speaker 1: at our age, and I think, and I you know,
Speaker 1: I just hear from both men and women going if
Speaker 1: we're sleeping together, we're a couple. And I believe in that,
Speaker 1: So I would say, you know, a month to three
Speaker 1: or four months. I think if it's six months and
Speaker 1: you're still dating other people, you're you're not meant to
Speaker 1: be or you're just filling time with each other, and
Speaker 1: then the label of the relationship is up to you, guys.
Speaker 1: Because I got in trouble one time for introducing Kathy
Speaker 1: as my lady friend, and I'm like, you just have
Speaker 1: to tell me how, you know, because we were engaged
Speaker 1: and it was prior to us getting engaged, and I go,
Speaker 1: you've got to help me. So that's probably more important
Speaker 1: to ladies. But teach us how you want us to
Speaker 1: label it. Okay. Next question, when dating post divorce, should
Speaker 1: you live with someone prior to getting engaged? Why or
Speaker 1: why not. I've heard two different opinions on this. I
Speaker 1: had a pastor tell me that they don't like them.
Speaker 1: They don't like people to live together because when you
Speaker 1: get married, you have to make it work and you
Speaker 1: have a stronger commitment, and a lot of the times
Speaker 1: when you're just living together, the little things will push
Speaker 1: you apart where you could look back and go, Okay,
Speaker 1: she did the toilet paper upside down, you know, left
Speaker 1: the soap in the sink, those type of things. I
Speaker 1: personally would appreciate it if my kids lived with someone
Speaker 1: on a personal basis A little bit older in life.
Speaker 1: You know, they're twenty three and twenty five, so they
Speaker 1: could get to know the person and spend time with them.
Speaker 1: So talking about both sides of my mouth, I think
Speaker 1: it just depends. Okay, last question, what's the best part
Speaker 1: about being in your I do part two chapter of
Speaker 1: your life, and I would say experience, experience, experience. Just
Speaker 1: like Joe, I'm gonna tell you a secret about Joan.
Speaker 1: We're planning a trip and I go, well, I'll get
Speaker 1: the airline ticket, but I go, can you book it
Speaker 1: because I don't have time today? And in that night
Speaker 1: I get a text from her and she goes, I
Speaker 1: went ahead and booked my part of the ticket, and
Speaker 1: I used Miles and I called her and I go,
Speaker 1: I bet you got your credit card statement Today's shows.
Speaker 1: Yes I did. I'm using Miles. So that's You've been
Speaker 1: through so much. You've been through the kid deal. You
Speaker 1: learn that so much of it's really not important or
Speaker 1: it's not that important that it's going to be a problem.
Speaker 1: So you never want to you never want to wish
Speaker 1: away your youth a day in your life. But one
Speaker 1: of the benefits is you've had experience and don't and
Speaker 1: I've got to stress this. Don't be afraid about not
Speaker 1: meeting people. People still meet people. I saw Heather, my
Speaker 1: first wife, her granddad, meet somebody at eighty years old,
Speaker 1: had five great years with him, and you know, there
Speaker 1: wasn't a sexual intimacy, but they loved each other. I
Speaker 1: mean they were companions. So it's out there and whatever
Speaker 1: fits you, just you've got to put forth the effort
Speaker 1: to find someone. But love your golden years. But the
Speaker 1: thing I'll tell you that I've dealt with is the
Speaker 1: last couple of years or health issues. I've always been
Speaker 1: very healthy, but nothing major but just knees and shoulders
Speaker 1: and hernias and my eyes going bad. So enjoy your health,
Speaker 1: but also enjoy when you get older because life moves
Speaker 1: at a little slower pace, and it's opposed to because
Speaker 1: we enjoy it. And I think even a little bit
Speaker 1: more now. So well, thank you for bringing me all
Speaker 1: these great questions. I really do like this, and I've
Speaker 1: been on a number of podcasts and I've been you know,
Speaker 1: certain things I don't like talking about, but the love,
Speaker 1: advice and just the life in general. And I've actually
Speaker 1: done this professionally too, with some groups that I've gone
Speaker 1: and uh spoke at so you know, I appreciate it.
Speaker 1: And one thing that we do need as we all
Speaker 1: grow is send these questions in and don't be afraid
Speaker 1: to ask anything because we are adults and you might
Speaker 1: be surprised. And again, I just give you opinions. I'm
Speaker 1: not a licensed therapist. I've just a guy that's been
Speaker 1: through a lot of things in my life and I
Speaker 1: will be open and honest with you. So please keep
Speaker 1: sending those in. We really do appreciate it. If you're
Speaker 1: just starting to open yourself up back up to love
Speaker 1: after a divorce and not knowing where to start, this
Speaker 1: is a great place to just get some advice from
Speaker 1: people that have been through this. And I'm very fortunate
Speaker 1: in my personal life and my business life and then
Speaker 1: also being on the show. And we've said this on
Speaker 1: the show, but this was so true, ladies, it was
Speaker 1: so true. We called it group therapy that was free.
Speaker 1: You had twenty four guys. We lost six the first night,
Speaker 1: so there was eighteen that were there for a good
Speaker 1: period of time and it whittled down. But we would
Speaker 1: talk about these stories and I've had some things happen
Speaker 1: in my life and I was kind of like woe
Speaker 1: is me, and then you hear other guys and it's just,
Speaker 1: you know, it's just opening up and learning from them,
Speaker 1: but the knowing that we can go through these tough things, divorces,
Speaker 1: deess and then bounce back and find love. And I
Speaker 1: will tell you, I do want to kind of end
Speaker 1: my comments on this, and it's to each their own,
Speaker 1: because I don't want to upset anybody. But my grandmother
Speaker 1: was married one time, lost her husband or heart attack
Speaker 1: when he was fifty two years old, never dated again,
Speaker 1: and I wish she would have, but she just never
Speaker 1: would and she said that was the guy that was
Speaker 1: my life, and I just think she could have had
Speaker 1: a more fulfilled life. It was obviously her decision to
Speaker 1: do what she did. But I would just tell you,
Speaker 1: if you really want to meet people, open up and
Speaker 1: it'll happen to you. But feel free with those questions
Speaker 1: to call her, email us, follow us on the socials.
Speaker 1: All the above information will be shown in the show notes.
Speaker 1: Make sure you rate and review the podcast. I'd really
Speaker 1: appreciate it. This is the first one I've done by myself.
Speaker 1: I'd kind of like to do some podcasts. I don't
Speaker 1: know how good at it, I am, but it's been
Speaker 1: enjoyable and with me, you're always going to get an opinion.
Speaker 1: I do Part two and iHeartRadio podcast. We're falling in
Speaker 1: love is the main objective, and trust me, it does happen.
Speaker 1: I'm a very fortunate man. Take care and we'll talk
Speaker 1: soon