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Speaker 1: Double Elvis. Blood on the Tracks is a production of

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Speaker 1: I Heart Radio and Double Elvis. Brian Wilson was a

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Speaker 1: musical genius and one of the greatest songwriters of all time.

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Speaker 1: He caught melodies like they were waves. He bottled good

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Speaker 1: vibrations like no one else, and he picked up bad

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Speaker 1: vibrations too. He broke down, he tripped hard. He didn't

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Speaker 1: just hear music, he heard voices. He tried to lose

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Speaker 1: those voices by making a teenage symphony to God called Smile.

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Speaker 1: But somewhere along the way, Brian Wilson lost his mind instead.

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Speaker 1: This is his story. Rhonda Masson here once again. I

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Speaker 1: can't believe we've come to the end of these Brian

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Speaker 1: Wilson tapes and to the end of this project. All

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Speaker 1: these final bits and pieces are from two thousand four.

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Speaker 1: I think they're all video tapes from the album Brian

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Speaker 1: Wilson Presents Smile, which of course is the resurrected version

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Speaker 1: of the record he abandoned nearly forty years earlier. They're

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Speaker 1: all pretty well cataloged and most contained material that ended

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Speaker 1: up on the record. But there was one tape I

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Speaker 1: found that has just been left. I'll play it for you.

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Speaker 1: Now here we go. Okay, everyone, can you all hear

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Speaker 1: me in there? Good? Let's try some take. I have

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Speaker 1: some history with this. This song was a tough one,

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Speaker 1: but we can get it. You can get it today.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes history isn't a bad thing. History can make you wise,

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Speaker 1: You can make you right your wrongs. Everything that is

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Speaker 1: taking place in the past is a preparation for the

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Speaker 1: opportunities to calm. You can change your future using your history.

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Speaker 1: M don't be afraid of the song. Don't be afraid

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Speaker 1: of the thinks you've heard about it. Don't be afraid

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Speaker 1: of anything. We have to face stuff like this as

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Speaker 1: songwriters and musicians, as people. Okay, fight Mrs o'larry's cow

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Speaker 1: take one. Give me everything you've got on us. I

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Speaker 1: want everybody's best shot. Let's get some blood on the tracks.

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Speaker 1: Chapter ten. Brian Wilson was smiling again. Good morning, This

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Speaker 1: is b r I a n FM, coming to you

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Speaker 1: live from the temporal Lobe. It's another beautiful day out there.

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Speaker 1: The sun is shining and the sea is warm. I

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Speaker 1: wake up and it's early. Melinda is sleeping next to me.

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Speaker 1: The kids are asleep too. It's the first day of

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Speaker 1: the rest of my life. I can feel it. I've

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Speaker 1: been playing it cool, but my mind has been whirling

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Speaker 1: around and around. We Linda could tell. Last night. I

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Speaker 1: think I was quiet, reserved, she said, But this morning

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Speaker 1: I feel okay. No, I feel better than okay. There

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Speaker 1: was my life before all this happened, and my life

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Speaker 1: after it. Was it better before? Probably not? Will it

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Speaker 1: be better after? I don't know. Maybe, but then again

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Speaker 1: maybe not. It's hard to tell. With a mind like mine,

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Speaker 1: you just never know. I've learned to play it by ear,

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Speaker 1: like a good song to go with it all. I

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Speaker 1: have some history with this. I've spent my whole life scared,

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Speaker 1: my whole life under pressure from someone or something. I

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Speaker 1: don't think that will ever go away. But you can

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Speaker 1: manage it, you can deal with it. Don't be afraid.

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Speaker 1: You can't stop a lot of things in this world,

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Speaker 1: but you can live with them. Don't be afraid of anything.

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Speaker 1: I walked softly down the back staircase and into the kitchen.

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Speaker 1: There's three pills on the counter. I take my usual

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Speaker 1: amount with a cool glass of water. I washed the glass,

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Speaker 1: dry it and place it back in the cupboard. It's

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Speaker 1: deadly quiet. I look at the clock on the wall,

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Speaker 1: five nights a teen. I breathe out and muttered to myself,

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Speaker 1: we'll be doing it in under five hours. We'll be

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Speaker 1: in there. My mind pictures of control booth, the drum kit, microphone,

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Speaker 1: then a fireman's hat. This song was a tough one.

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Speaker 1: I swallow hard, then close my eyes. I breathe in,

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Speaker 1: then out, in then out. I know where I'm going,

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Speaker 1: I know what I want to do. It's strange how

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Speaker 1: your body, or your mind or both gave you these

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Speaker 1: little ideas, these little thoughts, that all of a sudden

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Speaker 1: you have to carry out. Impulse, that's what it is.

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Speaker 1: That's what I can feel. History can make you wise.

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Speaker 1: I make my way to the back door, and as

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Speaker 1: I do, I walk past the calendar on the wall.

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Speaker 1: Today's date is circled and written there it says, warding

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Speaker 1: day one. I don't dare look at it. I just

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Speaker 1: keep walking outside. The sun is hot already. The bird's

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Speaker 1: song fills my ears, and I closed my eyes as

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Speaker 1: I walked down the perfectly manicured grass. I'm barefoot and

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Speaker 1: it feels like carpet under my toes. I thought i'd

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Speaker 1: feel worse than this. I'm worried. This is just the

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Speaker 1: calm before the storm. I've seen that before, I felt

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Speaker 1: like that before, but I have to admit this time

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Speaker 1: it does feel different. Don't be afraid of the song. Finally,

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Speaker 1: the feeling of grass under my feet gives way to

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Speaker 1: the feeling of sand. It's cool and soft. I stopped

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Speaker 1: and dig my feet into it. It's reassuring, like a

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Speaker 1: heavy blanket or a cup of cocoa. I stopped and

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Speaker 1: stare at the horizon where the Pacific Ocean meets the sky.

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Speaker 1: There's no one else around. The light ances off the water,

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Speaker 1: and there's a light breeze that drifts around me. Everything

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Speaker 1: feels calm, settled, like there's no more worry shows all over.

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Speaker 1: Everything has happened, like watching an old movie you love

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Speaker 1: or hearing an old song. Don't be afraid of the

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Speaker 1: thinks you've heard about it. I'm not really going to

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Speaker 1: do this, am I? I think to myself. I feel nervous.

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Speaker 1: How could I not? But I feel happy too. I

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Speaker 1: waste a bit of time looking up and down the beach.

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Speaker 1: Then I mutter, okay, come on, Brian. Smile was once

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Speaker 1: again appearing in my mind. More and more, and this feeling.

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Speaker 1: This idea just grew and grew with it. I walk

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Speaker 1: up the beach and begin to slowly climb up the

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Speaker 1: rocks on the far side. I go right up to

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Speaker 1: the top. When I get there, I'm panting. I stand

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Speaker 1: and look at the whole beach. You can see it

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Speaker 1: all from up there. It's like I'm on top of

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Speaker 1: the world. History can make you wise. I looked down

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Speaker 1: and see the ocean lapping at the rocks below. Without

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Speaker 1: a second thought, I grabbed the shirt and wearing pull

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Speaker 1: it off. I take two steps back and jump as

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Speaker 1: high as I can. You can change your future using

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Speaker 1: your history. I feel like I'm dancing in the air.

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Speaker 1: It's just me, the son above and the Pacific below.

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Speaker 1: I closed my eyes as I plumb it down at

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Speaker 1: an almost violent speed, but as I do, the silence

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Speaker 1: of the morning is broken. I hear someone above me screaming, Brian.

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Speaker 1: I try to look up, but it's already too late.

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Speaker 1: The water crashes around my body. It engulfs me entirely.

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Speaker 1: It's cold and dark and be silent as I shoot

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Speaker 1: down further into it. After a few seconds, I stopped

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Speaker 1: and hang there, suspend it in time, completely alone. Completely still.

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Speaker 1: Then I a shop further and further, higher and higher.

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Speaker 1: I'm like a shooting star streaming across the sky. A

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Speaker 1: light starts to appear up above. I put my hand

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Speaker 1: out and reach for it. Any second I'll touch it,

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Speaker 1: that welcoming, warm light. I make a grab for it

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Speaker 1: and crash out of the water and back into reality.

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Speaker 1: I gulp in deep breaths and feel the sun on

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Speaker 1: my face again. Give me everything, everything, everything, Who I shout?

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Speaker 1: I feel alive, like I've just shed my skin or something.

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Speaker 1: Give me everything you've got. I look up and see

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Speaker 1: who had screamed my name only moments earlier. I see

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Speaker 1: her straight away. It's Melinda, shouting some more as she

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Speaker 1: sprints into the ocean, still in her pajamas. Brian, She's shouting,

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Speaker 1: what the hell are you doing? She's gasping for breath

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Speaker 1: as the water splashes all around her, and then she

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Speaker 1: dives in and swim ms with the speed of an

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Speaker 1: Olympian towards me. When she reaches me, she asks what

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Speaker 1: the fund is going on? I felt like a swim

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Speaker 1: I tell her, don't be afraid. You haven't been in

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Speaker 1: the sea in forty years, and now you feel like

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Speaker 1: a swim. Her anger turns to laughter in less time

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Speaker 1: than it takes for her to complete the sentence, and

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Speaker 1: then she throws her arms around me and tells me

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Speaker 1: we should get dry. Just do one more thing for me,

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Speaker 1: I ask. A smile creeps across my face. Five minutes later,

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Speaker 1: we're both on top of the rocks. My shirt is

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Speaker 1: where I left it, okay. After three, she shouts one, two, three,

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Speaker 1: Then we both jump the sky above us, the ocean below,

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Speaker 1: and freedom all around. Good morning from a chili London town.

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Speaker 1: This is b R I, a n f M, broadcasting

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Speaker 1: to you from the English capital. Watch out for those

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Speaker 1: showers out there. They can be alarming. Sometimes I opened

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Speaker 1: doors in here, you know, inside my mind, and I

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Speaker 1: can't bear to look behind them, but I do it anyway.

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Speaker 1: I don't know why. Sometimes they're almost impossible to close.

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Speaker 1: You unlock memories, thoughts or feelings, and they're too much

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Speaker 1: to take. Can you all hear me in there? But

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Speaker 1: sometimes you can look back on something and get closure.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes history isn't a bad thing. Sometimes you can find redemption,

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Speaker 1: but you have to find it for yourself. No one

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Speaker 1: is going to give it to you. You can't find

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Speaker 1: it in a movie or a song. You can only

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Speaker 1: find it inside yourself. Sure, someone else can bring it

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Speaker 1: out of you, they can help you get there, but

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Speaker 1: in the end, you're the one that has to find

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Speaker 1: it and grab it. You can change your future using

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Speaker 1: your history. I guess what I'm trying to say is

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Speaker 1: I knew I had to forgive myself. That was the

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Speaker 1: only way out. After standing at the side of the

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Speaker 1: stage at Radio City Music Hall with Elton John, watching

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Speaker 1: George Martin speak so positively about me, and then later

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Speaker 1: spontaneously playing heroes and villains at Scott Bennett's house, I

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Speaker 1: felt like my relationship with Smile was turning, turning into

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Speaker 1: something less negative. Welinda had encouraged that too, So in

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Speaker 1: the summer of two thousand four, I went to the

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Speaker 1: studio and we recut it. We redid the whole album

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Speaker 1: from scratch. Was I nervous? God, I was terrified. But

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Speaker 1: it wasn't that simple. It took time. Things had to

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Speaker 1: happen before we got there. First, I included a couple

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Speaker 1: of Smile songs in my regular set list when touring.

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Speaker 1: Don't be afraid of this song. Then we had the

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Speaker 1: idea to perform a live show, Smile in its entirety live.

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Speaker 1: We decided on London. I have often said that that

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Speaker 1: city is my spiritual home. I love it there, I

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Speaker 1: have some history. So there I was standing in the

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Speaker 1: large auditorium at the Royal Festival Hall. It was winter

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Speaker 1: and it was cold outside, but the hall was right

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Speaker 1: on the water, right on the Thames. It felt like

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Speaker 1: it fits Smile somehow, the closeness of the water. I

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Speaker 1: kept singing this song by three Dog Night. Easy to

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Speaker 1: be hard, That's what this whole experience was like. It's

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Speaker 1: been hard, but it's been easy. It's easy to say

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Speaker 1: yes to do some shows, getting on a plane to rehearsing,

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Speaker 1: but it's hard to actually walk out on stage on

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Speaker 1: the night. Are you ready? Asked Darian Sahanaja Darien is

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Speaker 1: in my band. He was in the Wonderments too. If

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Speaker 1: you know my story, you know we're connected. I told

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Speaker 1: him I was ready to go, and we walked to

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Speaker 1: the stage for the rehearsal. We have to face stuff

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Speaker 1: like this. That's when it started. The noise was deafening,

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Speaker 1: A wailing fire alarm sounded. Its presence was so large,

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Speaker 1: but it was invisible to your eyes, so a brain

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Speaker 1: has trouble with it. I turned to Darien and shouted,

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Speaker 1: it's fate. He's mild, but he could tell I was

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Speaker 1: nervous history with this. They eventually shut it off. The

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Speaker 1: stage manager Philip apologized profusely in the way only the

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Speaker 1: British can. He told us the system was only a

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Speaker 1: few years old and had never done this before. Okay,

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Speaker 1: we're fine, no problem. Ten minutes later, I was on

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Speaker 1: stage as Darian counted us in on heroes and villains. Okay, one, two, three,

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Speaker 1: he yelled, but the number four was drowned out. It

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Speaker 1: was the fire alarm again. This song was a tough one,

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Speaker 1: so loud it rattled my chest. I looked over at Darien.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure he could tell I was getting nervous. They

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Speaker 1: finally shut it off again, but now there was this

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Speaker 1: tension in the room. Can you'll hear me in there?

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Speaker 1: Fifteen minutes later, after a few uninterrupted songs, Darian shouted

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Speaker 1: out to the band that we were ready to do

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Speaker 1: this is a larious cow. I sat behind the piano.

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Speaker 1: You know it would be funny, I said if the

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Speaker 1: alarm went off during But my words were cut short

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Speaker 1: as that loud noise returned to the hall. Everyone froze

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Speaker 1: and exchanged awkward glances. The stage manager was back and

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Speaker 1: apologizing once again. He told us to take five while

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Speaker 1: they worked it out. Darien glanced at his watch. Well

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Speaker 1: he knew we were running out of time everything that

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Speaker 1: is taking place. He was passed. He followed me to

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Speaker 1: my dressing room, where I sat with Melinda. Look, he said,

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Speaker 1: I'm getting worried. It's one thing to rehearse in our

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Speaker 1: normal space, but we need time in this room, especially

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Speaker 1: for a gig of this magnitude. There was an uneasy silence.

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Speaker 1: We can't cancel, Melinda responded, we might have to postpone,

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Speaker 1: Darian said, taking place in the past and now their

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Speaker 1: uneasy pause. The tension was building in that room. I

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Speaker 1: sat in silence while the other two looked exasperated. That

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00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:12,200
Speaker 1: exasperation turned to angers yet again, the alarm went off.

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Speaker 1: It was even louder backstage. Jesus Christ. Melinda shouted, but

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00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:20,800
Speaker 1: then she stopped and looked at her watch. It had

240
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Speaker 1: been exactly fifteen minutes since the last alarm. She took

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Speaker 1: a look at me. She stared right at me intensely.

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Speaker 1: Then she shook her head and marched out of the room,

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Speaker 1: slamming the door behind her. Moments later, the alarm stopped.

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Speaker 1: You can change your future. Then Melinda reappeared with Joey,

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Speaker 1: one of our roadies. She was angry, Brian, She barked, Ship,

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Speaker 1: can you tell me and Darian what Joey is being

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Speaker 1: paid to do today? Joey's eyes were wide, even wider

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Speaker 1: than when I offered him a thousand bucks that morning

249
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Speaker 1: to find out where the alarm test system was for

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Speaker 1: the Royal Festival Hall. Don't be afraid to be a roadie,

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Speaker 1: I said, tentatively, But the game was up. I sheepishly

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Speaker 1: explained that I paid Joey to set the alarm off

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Speaker 1: every fifteen minutes during rehearsal. Everyone out. She shouted at

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Speaker 1: the room, and then looked at me and said, not

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Speaker 1: you don't be afraid. Once we were alone, she was soft,

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Speaker 1: kind and encouraging. She told me that if I didn't

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Speaker 1: want to do the gig, I should have just said so.

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Speaker 1: I explained that I did want to do the gig,

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Speaker 1: but that I was scared. Don't be afraid. I was

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Speaker 1: worried how it would all go. I held her hand

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Speaker 1: and I didn't want to let go. Do you remember

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00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:53,399
Speaker 1: this morning? She smiled the sea? How long was it?

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Speaker 1: Forty years? I remembered the water, how it felt, the

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Speaker 1: early morning sun. On that feeling of calm control. I

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Speaker 1: took a deep breath and I looked into Melinda's eyes.

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Speaker 1: I was ready, actually ready this time. That evening, I

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Speaker 1: was on stage in front of a packed crowd. My

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Speaker 1: band was singing our prayer. Right at the start of

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Speaker 1: the show. The lights were down low. You could hear

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Speaker 1: a pin drop. Let's try to take it. There was

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Speaker 1: a brief silence when we finished singing, and then the

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00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,840
Speaker 1: snare hit like a starting pistol, and we launched into

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Speaker 1: Heroes and Villains, Give me everything you've got. The stage

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Speaker 1: lights burst into radiant, bright white light. I could feel

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Speaker 1: it on my skin, like the sun in the middle

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Speaker 1: of summer, warm and forgiving. I always hated being on stage,

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Speaker 1: but tonight I felt like I was in my old

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Speaker 1: chair at home. As I looked up during the first

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Speaker 1: few lines of the song, for just for a second,

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Speaker 1: I thought I saw my dad and Phil Spector. They

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Speaker 1: looked happy for me. Don't be afraid of anything. I

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00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:17,119
Speaker 1: stared at their big grins, and their big eyes. I

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00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:20,840
Speaker 1: blinked in the bright light. When I look back, they

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00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:30,600
Speaker 1: were gone. We'll be right back after this we were

285
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:39,960
Speaker 1: after the show at the Royal Festival Hall. We kept

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Speaker 1: touring the album No fire alarms. This time it was

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00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:52,159
Speaker 1: the success, reviews, sales, all of it arousing success. I

288
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Speaker 1: felt like a chapter of my life for perhaps the

289
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,720
Speaker 1: chapter of my life was coming to an end. History

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00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:03,800
Speaker 1: can make you wise, but it wasn't over. Melinda Darien

291
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Speaker 1: and a record producer named Mark Lynette, we're all trying

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Speaker 1: to convince me to record a new version of Smile,

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Speaker 1: the one we were performing on stage. It took me

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Speaker 1: two weeks to give them an answer. We went into

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Speaker 1: the studio in April two thousand four, Sunset Sound to

296
00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:23,000
Speaker 1: begin with. That was one of the studios we cut

297
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:28,120
Speaker 1: the original Smile in when they suggested that place actually shuttered.

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Speaker 1: But like with the show or going into the Ocean,

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00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:35,000
Speaker 1: I wanted to face things head on, to stand up

300
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:37,840
Speaker 1: for once, to confront the fear you can change your

301
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:44,160
Speaker 1: future using your history. So we went in. Sometimes being

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00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:48,479
Speaker 1: afraid is like bordering on excitement. It's good scary. We

303
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:52,800
Speaker 1: have to face stuff like this, like Smile had gone

304
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:57,320
Speaker 1: from scary scary to good scary. But with everything that

305
00:21:57,359 --> 00:22:00,320
Speaker 1: had happened between me and that project, it was bound

306
00:22:00,359 --> 00:22:02,080
Speaker 1: to be hard in places, and this song was a

307
00:22:02,119 --> 00:22:07,880
Speaker 1: tough one. At Sunset Sound, Darien and Mark had assembled

308
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:11,040
Speaker 1: a ten piece band. Most of the guys had been

309
00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:13,440
Speaker 1: on stage at the Royal Festival Hall that first night.

310
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Speaker 1: They could both tell I was nervous. I couldn't even

311
00:22:17,359 --> 00:22:20,879
Speaker 1: hold a glass of water in my hand without shaking. Brian,

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00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:23,280
Speaker 1: They asked me, are you sure you want to record

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Speaker 1: this song today? I nodded, yeah, I was sure. Head on,

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Speaker 1: give me everything you've got. You've got. The song we

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Speaker 1: were due to record was Mrs O'Leary's Cow, otherwise known

316
00:22:37,119 --> 00:22:41,800
Speaker 1: as Fire. My mind rewound through flickering images of burning

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00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:44,800
Speaker 1: tapes and l a fires. I looked down at the

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Speaker 1: chair I was sitting and saw that my hand was

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00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:49,560
Speaker 1: gripped so tightly around the arm that my knuckles were

320
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:53,479
Speaker 1: completely white. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe,

321
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:55,800
Speaker 1: but all I could think about was that session, back

322
00:22:55,840 --> 00:23:01,600
Speaker 1: in the session that broke Smile, the session that broke me.

323
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:10,160
Speaker 1: The fire, fire everywhere, just burning everything, burning, Chicago, burning,

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00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:16,720
Speaker 1: Los Angeles, Brian came Mark's voice. Are you okay, okay,

325
00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:23,240
Speaker 1: I'm fine, I stuttered, Let's go. The moment I stepped

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00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:26,960
Speaker 1: inside the studio room, I could feel it, the heat,

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Speaker 1: don't be afraid. Then I could smell it. I thought

328
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:34,600
Speaker 1: it was a joke, someone was playing on me. At

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00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:41,440
Speaker 1: first I could smell smoke. Don't be afraid. I turned

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00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:45,840
Speaker 1: around and saw the cello player and smoking. What the

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00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:49,280
Speaker 1: hell are you doing, I asked. She laughed and took

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00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:53,520
Speaker 1: another puff. Darian asked me what was wrong. I spun

333
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,320
Speaker 1: around to look at him and saw he was wearing

334
00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:57,840
Speaker 1: a plastic fireman's hat. Don't be afraid of the thinks

335
00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:03,399
Speaker 1: you've heard about it. My froze. Then the other string

336
00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:05,879
Speaker 1: players pulled out pieces of wood and started to chant

337
00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:14,280
Speaker 1: burn it all down, Burn it all down. I looked

338
00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:15,879
Speaker 1: for the window to see if Mark was still in

339
00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:18,200
Speaker 1: the recording booth, but I couldn't see him in there.

340
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:22,080
Speaker 1: The whole room was full of smoke, just this glass

341
00:24:22,119 --> 00:24:25,000
Speaker 1: box of smoke was so thick you couldn't see anything.

342
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:28,119
Speaker 1: Then the smoke spilled out between the edges of the

343
00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:31,760
Speaker 1: glass and into the studio, thicker and thicker. I fell

344
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:35,280
Speaker 1: to my knees and crawled forward. I shouted at Darian

345
00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:37,760
Speaker 1: to get down out of the smoke, but he was silent.

346
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:42,760
Speaker 1: Don't be afraid of the song. The chant was getting louder.

347
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:46,720
Speaker 1: Now burn it all down, burn it all down. It

348
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:49,600
Speaker 1: was all I could hear. I crawled into the smoke,

349
00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:53,520
Speaker 1: praying for a way out. I gasped for air as

350
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,479
Speaker 1: sweat began to drip down my face. Then I tasted

351
00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:59,480
Speaker 1: it in my mouth. It was salty and hot. I

352
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:01,600
Speaker 1: tried to bit it out, but it seemed to only

353
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:06,120
Speaker 1: get worse. Can you hear me in there? My mouth

354
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:09,000
Speaker 1: was full of sweat. I tried to get rid of it,

355
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:11,760
Speaker 1: but it was like a constant stream, as if someone

356
00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:14,040
Speaker 1: had put an ocean in my mouth. And now it

357
00:25:14,119 --> 00:25:21,080
Speaker 1: was spilling out sweat everywhere. I was coughing. The smoke

358
00:25:21,119 --> 00:25:24,480
Speaker 1: and the spit made it unable to breathe. I thought

359
00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:26,639
Speaker 1: that was it. I thought I was going to be

360
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:31,680
Speaker 1: seeing Elvis soon. Don't be afraid. But then I saw

361
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:34,399
Speaker 1: a tiny light to the left of me. I made

362
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:37,800
Speaker 1: for it, crawling on my knees like a child. The

363
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:40,600
Speaker 1: light got bigger and bigger. Then I saw what it

364
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:45,080
Speaker 1: actually was. It was the door, Darian, I shouted, I

365
00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:50,560
Speaker 1: found a way out. Nothing, no reply. I pushed the door.

366
00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:54,000
Speaker 1: At first it didn't budge, but I pushed harder, and

367
00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,440
Speaker 1: after spitting that salty liquid from my mouth, I gave

368
00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:59,440
Speaker 1: it a final shove with all my strength and it

369
00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:04,640
Speaker 1: burst open. Don't be afraid of anything. I crashed through

370
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:07,919
Speaker 1: it and out into the parking lot. I opened my

371
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:11,800
Speaker 1: eyes and looked up Melndo standing in front of me.

372
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:16,000
Speaker 1: Her dress burst into flames, and then the flames spread

373
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:19,840
Speaker 1: to her hair, her face, and within seconds she was

374
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:23,280
Speaker 1: reduced to ashes in front of me. I screamed as

375
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:26,960
Speaker 1: the building behind her burst into flames too. The fire

376
00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:31,840
Speaker 1: roared and roared, and then Brian came Mark's voice, are

377
00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:40,160
Speaker 1: you okay? Okay? My eyes open. I was back back

378
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:46,560
Speaker 1: from being in here lost. I was in the control

379
00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:50,520
Speaker 1: booth at sunset sound. My eyes widened as I readjusted

380
00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:53,600
Speaker 1: to the light. You looked like you were lost for

381
00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:57,760
Speaker 1: a minute, he said, I'm fine. I said, let's go.

382
00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:03,040
Speaker 1: We were did fire there and then all done and

383
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:07,840
Speaker 1: dusted very quickly. No Hollywood, theatrics. We just cut the track.

384
00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:11,200
Speaker 1: That's what the whole album was like. In two thousand four.

385
00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:13,600
Speaker 1: It only took us a couple of weeks to actually

386
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:17,159
Speaker 1: record a few more to mix, but the recording was

387
00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:20,560
Speaker 1: pretty straight down the line. After we cut the song

388
00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:23,399
Speaker 1: that day, everyone was heading home and I was a

389
00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:27,639
Speaker 1: left alone in the studio. Darien came in and thanked

390
00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:30,920
Speaker 1: me for the day. Can I have the song on CD?

391
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:37,800
Speaker 1: I asked, Right now? He asked. I nodded, okay, no problem.

392
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:40,080
Speaker 1: I can just burn you one, he said, and then

393
00:27:40,119 --> 00:27:44,200
Speaker 1: started clicking the mouse on his computer. My legs started

394
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:48,760
Speaker 1: to shake and anticipation. I wanted to hold it, to

395
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:52,720
Speaker 1: have Smile in my hands, to know that it physically

396
00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:56,959
Speaker 1: existed in the world. He handed it to me. The

397
00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:01,520
Speaker 1: plastic was warm, shiny. I stared at it, my face

398
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:05,399
Speaker 1: distorted in the reflection. Can I have a moment? I

399
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:09,320
Speaker 1: asked him. Of course, he responded, and then I was

400
00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:12,720
Speaker 1: left alone again. I took the CD and held it

401
00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:18,359
Speaker 1: to my chest. I was trembling. Then I cried. I

402
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:23,800
Speaker 1: cried and cried and cried. I cried for Smile. I

403
00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:27,520
Speaker 1: cried for Dennis and Carl. I cried for my dad,

404
00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:31,440
Speaker 1: and I cried for Phil Specter. But most of all,

405
00:28:32,720 --> 00:29:06,520
Speaker 1: I cried for me. Sixty three am. That's when it starts.

406
00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:11,720
Speaker 1: The ticking clock. That's when the countdown begins. In truth,

407
00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:15,120
Speaker 1: it's been counting down for days, but he's been ignoring it.

408
00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:18,640
Speaker 1: Coping mechanisms can help you do that, but sooner or

409
00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:22,320
Speaker 1: later you have to face it. Sooner or later you

410
00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:25,640
Speaker 1: have to jump in. Brian Wilson gets up in the

411
00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:28,239
Speaker 1: pale morning light and sits hunched over on the edge

412
00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:33,880
Speaker 1: of his bed. Fourteen hours to go. Downstairs, he examined

413
00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:36,520
Speaker 1: some newspapers still left on the countertop from a few

414
00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:39,840
Speaker 1: weeks back. One shows an image of George W. Bush

415
00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:42,600
Speaker 1: becoming the President of the United States for the second time.

416
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:46,320
Speaker 1: Brian starts to name the presidents in his head, anything

417
00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:49,640
Speaker 1: to forget about what he's doing today. Thirteen hours to go.

418
00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:54,360
Speaker 1: Brian's wife, Melinda, walks into the room and smiles. Have

419
00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:59,560
Speaker 1: you decided yet, she asked. Carter Reagan Bush, Clint Brian

420
00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:03,560
Speaker 1: hear me. Brian looks up. I haven't decided, he replies.

421
00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:08,479
Speaker 1: He checks his watch. Twelve hours fifty eight minutes to go.

422
00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:14,640
Speaker 1: The day drags. It's slow and vacant. Brian can barely

423
00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:16,600
Speaker 1: call it a day at all, since he's spending it,

424
00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:19,880
Speaker 1: waiting for what's going to happen. When the evening finally

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00:30:19,920 --> 00:30:22,680
Speaker 1: ambles into view, Brian stands in front of the full

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00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:25,640
Speaker 1: length mirror on the inside of his bedroom wardrobe door.

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00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:29,520
Speaker 1: He's wearing a jet black tom Ford tucks, but that's

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00:30:29,520 --> 00:30:32,280
Speaker 1: not what he's looking at. He's staring right into his

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00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:35,840
Speaker 1: own eyes. And the voices appear again, and they drift

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00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:38,480
Speaker 1: in and out. You're a genius, yet this is your

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00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:43,000
Speaker 1: first Grammy nomination. Phil Specter had four Imagine if you

432
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:47,840
Speaker 1: don't win Wind. He slams the door shut. His reflection

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00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:50,600
Speaker 1: is gone, and so are the voices. He makes his

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00:30:50,600 --> 00:30:54,040
Speaker 1: way downstairs. Two hours and thirty four minutes to go.

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00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:57,920
Speaker 1: He gets to the Staples Center early, but in his mind,

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00:30:57,920 --> 00:31:00,240
Speaker 1: he's not present at all. As he knew is his

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00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:03,120
Speaker 1: dressing room. He's stopped by one of the Grammy's producers.

438
00:31:03,400 --> 00:31:05,440
Speaker 1: Had Brian decided on the song? Who's going to perform?

439
00:31:05,560 --> 00:31:10,160
Speaker 1: Yet Brian responds by muttering something about good vibrations and

440
00:31:10,200 --> 00:31:13,600
Speaker 1: then something about fire, and then Brian has left the conversation.

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00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:16,080
Speaker 1: The door slams behind him as he walks into his

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00:31:16,160 --> 00:31:19,200
Speaker 1: dressing room. One hour and fifty eight minutes left. To

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00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:23,280
Speaker 1: go inside the dressing room. Brian sits in the corner

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00:31:23,320 --> 00:31:26,120
Speaker 1: with his little portable radio. The golden oldies coming from

445
00:31:26,120 --> 00:31:29,160
Speaker 1: the small speaker give him comfort. He closes his eyes

446
00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:34,200
Speaker 1: and listens. We have to decide the song, Brian finally says.

447
00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:37,800
Speaker 1: Brian shuffles in his seat. He wasn't ready yet, Brian,

448
00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:41,760
Speaker 1: She shouts, please, this is a simple choice. It's just

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00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:44,160
Speaker 1: one song or the other. I think it should be

450
00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:48,400
Speaker 1: good vibrations, but it doesn't really matter. Belinda's patience is

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00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:51,800
Speaker 1: waning as she watches her husband ignore. Brian make a

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00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:58,840
Speaker 1: fucking decision nothing, Brian, She screams, The funk is the problem.

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00:31:59,120 --> 00:32:02,640
Speaker 1: The problem. Brian breaks his silence. The problem is that

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00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:05,120
Speaker 1: he's been trying to prove himself for all these years,

455
00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:08,120
Speaker 1: to these people, to himself, to his old man, trying

456
00:32:08,120 --> 00:32:10,120
Speaker 1: to prove that he's as good as Phil Specter or

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00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:13,080
Speaker 1: Mike or any fucking one. And this, this here, now,

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00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:16,640
Speaker 1: this is the end of it all. Smile. How long

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00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:19,200
Speaker 1: has he been thinking about this thing? How long has

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00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:22,200
Speaker 1: it dominated his life? And now the record is out,

461
00:32:22,240 --> 00:32:24,560
Speaker 1: it's done, and what he's just supposed to say goodbye?

462
00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:28,680
Speaker 1: Melinda throws her arms around Brian as the tears well

463
00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:32,320
Speaker 1: up under his eyes. At that moment, the dressing room

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00:32:32,360 --> 00:32:35,680
Speaker 1: door opens. It's the producer of the show again, the

465
00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:38,920
Speaker 1: one they saw in the hallway. Brian turns to her

466
00:32:38,920 --> 00:32:41,360
Speaker 1: and breathlessly tells her that they're going to play fire,

467
00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:45,040
Speaker 1: not good vibrations, and there's thirty four minutes to go.

468
00:32:47,080 --> 00:32:49,880
Speaker 1: Brian and Melinda are taken to their seats, where Brian

469
00:32:49,920 --> 00:32:53,640
Speaker 1: watches Queen Latifa introduced the show. He looks around the crowd.

470
00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:58,760
Speaker 1: There are faces he half recognizes, Usher, Kanye West, Jennifer Lopez.

471
00:32:59,120 --> 00:33:01,400
Speaker 1: They all make him feel out of place. He's too

472
00:33:01,400 --> 00:33:04,480
Speaker 1: old for this. He's a dinosaur. He just wasn't made

473
00:33:04,520 --> 00:33:07,640
Speaker 1: for these times and he should leave straight away. He

474
00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:09,880
Speaker 1: gets up to go, but Melinda drags him back down.

475
00:33:10,360 --> 00:33:15,280
Speaker 1: Three minutes to go. Brian's heart pumps quickly, his lips dry.

476
00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:19,080
Speaker 1: He starts to fiddle with his tucks. Queen Latifa announces

477
00:33:19,120 --> 00:33:21,800
Speaker 1: the next award is for Best Rock Instrumental Performance and

478
00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:25,040
Speaker 1: Jeff Beck is here to present it. Brian's head starts

479
00:33:25,080 --> 00:33:29,760
Speaker 1: to spin. Jeff Beck strolls under the stage, waving. Wilson

480
00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:32,520
Speaker 1: feels like the room is rumbling beneath him, and this

481
00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:35,880
Speaker 1: is it. This is a success or failure, a happy

482
00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:41,880
Speaker 1: ending or another bitter conclusion. Thirty seconds to go, okay,

483
00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:45,760
Speaker 1: Jeff Beck says into the small microphone. Twenty seconds the

484
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:50,560
Speaker 1: winner of Best Rock Instrumental Performance. Ten seconds he fiddles

485
00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:54,720
Speaker 1: with the envelope. Brian watches and screams internally, open it,

486
00:33:54,840 --> 00:34:01,680
Speaker 1: just sucking open it. Five seconds, four is three? Wow,

487
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:09,440
Speaker 1: okay too, It's one. Everything stops. Brian is still. He

488
00:34:09,480 --> 00:34:13,799
Speaker 1: knows the winner, Jeff Beck says, is Brian Wilson with

489
00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:19,640
Speaker 1: fire Mrs O'Leary's cow. The crowd screams, Brian's heart leaps

490
00:34:19,719 --> 00:34:22,359
Speaker 1: up in his chest. Whilenda squeezes his hand and then

491
00:34:22,400 --> 00:34:25,279
Speaker 1: pulls him in close. As Brian makes his way to

492
00:34:25,320 --> 00:34:29,480
Speaker 1: the stage, he bathed and incandescent light and finally it's over.

493
00:34:32,680 --> 00:34:35,760
Speaker 1: Thirty minutes later, Brian Wilson is back in his dressing

494
00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:38,640
Speaker 1: room with his radio on alone. He's got a few

495
00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:41,200
Speaker 1: minutes before he's needed on stage to perform his Grammy

496
00:34:41,239 --> 00:34:44,560
Speaker 1: winning song. He listens to the crack the old FM sound,

497
00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:46,960
Speaker 1: and then he reaches over to the dial and turns

498
00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:49,640
Speaker 1: it off for the first time in a long time,

499
00:34:50,080 --> 00:34:54,759
Speaker 1: there is nothing, no talking, no music, no static, and

500
00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:58,000
Speaker 1: for the briefest of moments, there's silence from all the

501
00:34:58,120 --> 00:35:16,240
Speaker 1: Blood on the Tracks. Mr. Blood on the Tracks produced

502
00:35:16,239 --> 00:35:19,640
Speaker 1: by Double Elvis in partnership with I Heart Radio. It's

503
00:35:19,680 --> 00:35:23,840
Speaker 1: hosted an executive produced by me Jake Brennan, also executive

504
00:35:23,880 --> 00:35:27,719
Speaker 1: produced by Brady Sather. Zeth Lundie is lead editor and producer.

505
00:35:28,200 --> 00:35:31,560
Speaker 1: This episode was written by Ben Burrow, mixing and sound

506
00:35:31,560 --> 00:35:35,560
Speaker 1: designed by Colin Fleming. Additional music and score elements by

507
00:35:35,640 --> 00:35:39,440
Speaker 1: Ryan Spraaker. This season features Chris Anzaloni is the voice

508
00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:42,799
Speaker 1: of Brian Wilson. Sources for this episode are available at

509
00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:45,120
Speaker 1: Double Elvis dot com on the Blood in the Tracks

510
00:35:45,160 --> 00:35:48,960
Speaker 1: series page, follow Double Elvis on Instagram at double Elvis

511
00:35:49,040 --> 00:35:52,000
Speaker 1: and on Twitch at Grace and Talks, and you can

512
00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:54,799
Speaker 1: talk to me per Usual on Instagram and Twitter at

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00:35:54,880 --> 00:36:13,000
Speaker 1: Disgrace Land, Pod, Rock and Roll, Dytegrages our dand