WEBVTT - Episode 2: Piece of Me 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:02.880 Hey, before this episode begins, I just want to make 0:00:02.920 --> 0:00:05.280 sure you know that this series gets into some things 0:00:05.280 --> 0:00:09.520 that might be triggering to some listeners, specifically depression and suicide. 0:00:10.240 --> 0:00:13.360 If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, 0:00:13.680 --> 0:00:17.239 please seek assistance from a mental health professional, or visit 0:00:17.320 --> 0:00:20.520 the National Institute of Mental Health website at n I 0:00:20.880 --> 0:00:24.560 m H dot ni H dot g o V for resources. 0:00:25.200 --> 0:00:27.760 If you're currently in crisis, you can call one eight 0:00:27.880 --> 0:00:31.479 hundred to seven three talk that's eight two five five, 0:00:32.159 --> 0:00:35.480 or text the word hello to seven for one seven 0:00:35.560 --> 0:00:39.199 for one to speak to someone immediately. Thank you for listening, 0:00:47.240 --> 0:00:57.080 and I guess why that's me and Alex singing Britney 0:00:57.120 --> 0:01:00.280 Spears as Womanizer. In two thousand nine, were on a 0:01:00.280 --> 0:01:03.000 farm in Michigan, out of the city to clear our heads. 0:01:03.640 --> 0:01:06.600 We had spent the weekend hiking, getting high, cooking, and 0:01:06.640 --> 0:01:09.520 having a sit down meal. More than anything, there was 0:01:09.560 --> 0:01:12.720 just a lot of laying around. In the exhausting years 0:01:12.760 --> 0:01:15.360 I spent racing to earn a master's degree, that trip 0:01:15.440 --> 0:01:17.520 stands out as a rare stretch of time where I 0:01:17.560 --> 0:01:21.800 did almost nothing at all. One afternoon, Alex and I 0:01:21.880 --> 0:01:24.160 wandered into a bedroom in the farmhouse, where we came 0:01:24.200 --> 0:01:27.360 across an old pump organ of some sort. I laid 0:01:27.360 --> 0:01:28.920 down on the bed while he took a seat at 0:01:28.920 --> 0:01:31.840 the keys and started playing womanizer, or at least an 0:01:31.840 --> 0:01:47.960 approximation of it. You you got to go in. After 0:01:48.000 --> 0:01:50.000 Alex died, one of the friends who was on that 0:01:50.040 --> 0:01:52.400 trip with us went looking for footage of this moment, 0:01:52.640 --> 0:01:56.360 eventually finding it in her ex's Facebook archives. She sent 0:01:56.440 --> 0:01:58.520 it to me and we reminisced about what a special 0:01:58.520 --> 0:02:00.880 trip that was and how spending time with Alex had 0:02:00.960 --> 0:02:04.600 changed us both. This episode, I want you to get 0:02:04.640 --> 0:02:06.720 to know Alex a bit more and meet some of 0:02:06.720 --> 0:02:09.560 the people who were transformed by his presence in their lives. 0:02:10.160 --> 0:02:12.200 To know him is to know a bit of each 0:02:12.200 --> 0:02:16.079 of us. What happens when you lose someone so close 0:02:16.120 --> 0:02:18.120 to you that you can trace the ways they shaped 0:02:18.200 --> 0:02:21.560 your life, your personality, and what are you supposed to 0:02:21.639 --> 0:02:23.880 do when they leave behind a trail for you to follow. 0:02:26.320 --> 0:02:30.560 I'm Chris Studman and this is unread episode two piece 0:02:30.600 --> 0:02:47.680 of Me. Call them back all the little clean open 0:02:47.840 --> 0:02:56.600 dread that Stills sent for you back. Yeah, Sandy, Eva, 0:02:56.600 --> 0:03:31.920 I said, be scared, stared breaking. While singing Womanizer Alex 0:03:31.960 --> 0:03:35.680 and I intentionally pitched our voices down as a contrast 0:03:35.680 --> 0:03:38.480 to Britney's higher voice in the song and to match 0:03:38.560 --> 0:03:42.600 the bizarre flat way he was playing the organ. But 0:03:42.760 --> 0:03:46.480 lowering my voice comes naturally to me as a closeted 0:03:46.520 --> 0:03:49.160 queer kid, I trained myself to speak deeper than I 0:03:49.240 --> 0:03:54.080 naturally would. Growing up, I've been loud and talkative, but 0:03:54.160 --> 0:03:57.280 when I realized that flamboyance might give away my queerness, 0:03:57.560 --> 0:04:01.520 I went quiet. Suddenly, hyper attuned to how I was 0:04:01.560 --> 0:04:04.920 being perceived at all times, I started pitching myself down 0:04:05.160 --> 0:04:10.080 in voice and temperament. I began coming out as a teenager, 0:04:10.200 --> 0:04:14.000 first to Internet strangers, then my mom, then friends. As 0:04:14.000 --> 0:04:16.880 the circle widened, I let my guard down bit by bit, 0:04:17.360 --> 0:04:19.680 bringing the parts of myself I had tucked away back 0:04:19.720 --> 0:04:23.880 into the light. Still, the habit of hiding had become 0:04:24.040 --> 0:04:27.200 so instinctual, so built into the fabric of who I was, 0:04:27.760 --> 0:04:30.400 that I kept making myself smaller in ways I wasn't 0:04:30.400 --> 0:04:34.240 always aware of, including my speech. Here. I am as 0:04:34.240 --> 0:04:37.080 a teenager when I appeared in a documentary film about 0:04:37.080 --> 0:04:40.440 a summer camp for lgbt Q teens. I'd gone through 0:04:40.480 --> 0:04:43.120 puberty at this point, but you can hear the intentionally 0:04:43.200 --> 0:04:46.440 layered bush nous of my tone. It seems to me 0:04:46.520 --> 0:04:49.520 like some people are getting the wrong impression about me. 0:04:50.400 --> 0:04:54.120 I mean, you know, people may notice that I act. 0:04:54.800 --> 0:04:56.880 I don't know the word that some of them uses 0:04:56.960 --> 0:05:02.440 goofy a lot, because you know, I like to have fun. Um, 0:05:02.480 --> 0:05:04.680 and maybe it is acting stupid, but I do like 0:05:04.760 --> 0:05:07.240 to be stupid down and then too. Um. Anyway, I 0:05:07.240 --> 0:05:10.200 know I'm rambling, but my point is, Um, I think 0:05:10.200 --> 0:05:12.279 some people have gotten the wrong impression of me, and 0:05:12.320 --> 0:05:13.800 that does blug me a little bit because I don't 0:05:13.839 --> 0:05:18.640 like people to think differently about me, because I can 0:05:18.720 --> 0:05:21.200 be really serious at times and I know that, you know, 0:05:21.920 --> 0:05:24.359 I just basically, I just want to be myself. So 0:05:24.880 --> 0:05:30.839 hopefully that's coming across right. This defensive diet tribe is funny, 0:05:30.880 --> 0:05:34.360 but I WinCE hearing it now. I grew up thinking 0:05:34.400 --> 0:05:38.640 that presenting a polished version of myself would keep me safe. That's, 0:05:38.640 --> 0:05:43.040 seeming smart or accomplished rather than irresponsible or carefree, was 0:05:43.160 --> 0:05:47.159 key to survival. I was terrified that because I was 0:05:47.360 --> 0:05:50.760 letting go and having fun at camp. People wouldn't see 0:05:50.760 --> 0:05:54.440 me as serious or thoughtful, or of any value at all. 0:05:55.720 --> 0:05:58.640 I can hear the fear in my voice in that documentary, 0:05:59.080 --> 0:06:01.400 still low, even though I've been out of the closet 0:06:01.480 --> 0:06:04.880 for years by that point, A fear of people seeing 0:06:04.960 --> 0:06:10.920 my unrestrained self of being too much. We all self 0:06:10.960 --> 0:06:15.599 monitor and compartmentalize. Every one of us edits curates, tucks 0:06:15.600 --> 0:06:18.280 away certain parts of ourselves, and tries to show a 0:06:18.279 --> 0:06:23.320 more controlled self image to the world, especially online. Still, 0:06:23.800 --> 0:06:26.480 sometimes we perform a certain kind of self because we 0:06:26.520 --> 0:06:29.440 want to, and other times we do it because we 0:06:29.480 --> 0:06:32.719 feel we have to. For a lot of my life 0:06:32.960 --> 0:06:35.960 it felt necessary to present a team er version of 0:06:36.000 --> 0:06:39.799 myself to the world. I learned to hide, and hiding 0:06:39.920 --> 0:06:45.440 became habit. But then I met Alex. How are a 0:06:45.640 --> 0:06:50.880 little from on our little postre? How don't for us 0:06:50.920 --> 0:06:56.920 to throw off its coat and to talk more? Because 0:06:59.320 --> 0:07:02.640 Alex was hard to miss, six ft four, always in 0:07:02.680 --> 0:07:07.520 a T shirt, hair never styled. He looked wild like Bigfoot. 0:07:07.640 --> 0:07:11.040 If Bigfoot was sensitive, gay and love to quote Britney lyrics, 0:07:12.440 --> 0:07:15.040 he could be just as elusive to He'd lose a 0:07:15.080 --> 0:07:17.440 whole day in internet forms, and the next he'd be 0:07:17.440 --> 0:07:20.840 off getting lost in a national park. He was restless 0:07:20.840 --> 0:07:24.200 and impulsive. He once suggested we go on an impromptu 0:07:24.280 --> 0:07:27.200 camping trip, and after driving for hours without being able 0:07:27.240 --> 0:07:30.200 to find an open campsite anywhere, said we should just 0:07:30.280 --> 0:07:32.400 go back to my place and watch Shakira she Wolf 0:07:32.520 --> 0:07:36.280 music video on repeat instead. Another time, he set up 0:07:36.320 --> 0:07:38.280 sleeping bags on the roof of his mom's house for 0:07:38.400 --> 0:07:40.800 us because the temperature was perfect that night, and he 0:07:40.840 --> 0:07:44.960 said he never slept at an angle before. When Alex 0:07:45.000 --> 0:07:47.280 and I met on Okay Cupid, I was living on 0:07:47.320 --> 0:07:49.920 the South side of Chicago working on a masters in religion, 0:07:50.120 --> 0:07:52.040 and he was living with his mom and sister up 0:07:52.040 --> 0:07:55.720 in Skokie, a suburb just northwest of the city. At first, 0:07:55.760 --> 0:07:58.840 we kind of sort of dated, but romance quickly turned 0:07:58.840 --> 0:08:02.320 to friendship. Then about a year after we met, I 0:08:02.360 --> 0:08:04.800 was off to the East Coast chase a job at Harvard. 0:08:05.440 --> 0:08:08.120 Within a couple of years, he left Chicago to following 0:08:08.160 --> 0:08:12.240 his compass out west. Alex and I both moved around 0:08:12.320 --> 0:08:15.600 a lot over our decade of friendship, though for different reasons. 0:08:15.920 --> 0:08:18.960 I pretty much always moved for some new, better job. Well, 0:08:19.080 --> 0:08:22.040 he would pick up and move whenever whim struck. Here's 0:08:22.040 --> 0:08:25.920 a voicemail he left me in. Sorry I've been like 0:08:26.040 --> 0:08:28.000 you know whatever. But first of all, I was a 0:08:28.040 --> 0:08:30.760 new microphone now and no one ever returned phone calls 0:08:30.880 --> 0:08:34.319 or ever names out so and lay little bitch now. 0:08:35.720 --> 0:08:39.760 He wasn't flaky, but he was a restless spirit, forever 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:43.120 on the move. But wherever he was going, whether it 0:08:43.160 --> 0:08:45.320 was a road trip to try some new roller coaster 0:08:45.640 --> 0:08:48.960 or an impulsive amateur storm chase, it was always with 0:08:49.000 --> 0:08:53.480 a deep sense of self intact tornado chasing in East 0:08:53.520 --> 0:08:57.720 Colorado and a tornado just hit the ground fifteen miles away. 0:08:58.760 --> 0:09:01.800 I'm excited. I'm a big boy, I'm a scientist, I'm 0:09:01.800 --> 0:09:08.320 a meteorologies. In Alex, I found a person who was 0:09:08.360 --> 0:09:12.840 singularly true to his nature, someone who, despite the world's 0:09:12.880 --> 0:09:15.680 best attempts to make him feel like he was too intense, 0:09:16.320 --> 0:09:19.600 seemed considerably less worried about how he was coming across 0:09:19.760 --> 0:09:24.080 or proving his worthiness than I was. Alex didn't care 0:09:24.200 --> 0:09:26.960 about all the ways I hid. He didn't love me 0:09:27.080 --> 0:09:29.920 because of how busy I was, or because I seemed smart, 0:09:30.480 --> 0:09:33.320 but because of who I was. The person he saw 0:09:33.480 --> 0:09:37.480 behind the facade around Alex. I didn't have to pitch 0:09:37.520 --> 0:09:45.000 my voice down unless I wanted to. For fun made 0:09:46.880 --> 0:09:55.440 them Let's go back to the evening. I got Alex's 0:09:55.480 --> 0:10:02.719 goodbye email in December Chris listen. He began, I am 0:10:02.720 --> 0:10:04.560 writing to let you know that when you receive this 0:10:04.600 --> 0:10:09.880 scheduled email, I will no longer be alive. He explained 0:10:09.960 --> 0:10:12.600 that his depression had gotten so bad that he was 0:10:12.640 --> 0:10:15.199 in too much pain and felt he needed to, as 0:10:15.240 --> 0:10:20.280 he put it, opt out. Then he started talking about 0:10:20.280 --> 0:10:25.960 our friendship. Words fail me these days, he said. All 0:10:26.000 --> 0:10:28.160 I want to say is how much I love you 0:10:28.400 --> 0:10:31.800 and cherish everything about you. I'm sorry I lost touch 0:10:31.840 --> 0:10:36.440 with you. If only I could explain, it's just words, words, words, 0:10:36.720 --> 0:10:40.880 too many words. I hope you understand you are one 0:10:40.920 --> 0:10:43.560 of the best people I've ever known. I don't know 0:10:43.559 --> 0:10:46.480 how else to say it. It's very get naked, I 0:10:46.559 --> 0:10:51.360 got a plan or quicksand and yes, that last line 0:10:51.480 --> 0:10:56.320 was Britney song titles. Again. I know, I'm so lucky 0:10:56.360 --> 0:10:59.840 to have this email. When Alex died, I was plagued 0:10:59.880 --> 0:11:03.440 by worry that I hadn't been supportive enough, but he 0:11:03.640 --> 0:11:06.760 offered me the profound gift of putting into words what 0:11:06.880 --> 0:11:11.360 I had meant to him. He did this for others too. 0:11:12.200 --> 0:11:14.640 From what I've been able to gather, Alex sent out 0:11:14.720 --> 0:11:17.960 at least a dozen emails to friends and family, and 0:11:18.040 --> 0:11:20.400 also left a note saying there were many others he 0:11:20.440 --> 0:11:23.040 couldn't summon the ability to write notes too, but who 0:11:23.080 --> 0:11:27.840 he wanted to know. We're loved to. Each of us 0:11:27.880 --> 0:11:29.840 who did get an email got a piece of what 0:11:29.960 --> 0:11:34.760 felt like a disjointed story tailored to our connection with him. 0:11:34.800 --> 0:11:37.720 It was like Alex's last act was to disperse little 0:11:37.720 --> 0:11:40.800 fragments of himself across the world, and we could only 0:11:40.880 --> 0:11:46.480 piece together the full story by finding one another. First, 0:11:46.480 --> 0:11:48.800 an email thread began with all of us who got notes, 0:11:48.880 --> 0:11:52.200 where we swapped stories about Alex. Then a smaller crew 0:11:52.240 --> 0:11:55.480 started a group chat, almost by accident, initially to coordinate 0:11:55.520 --> 0:11:57.960 around planning a meet up in California and share some 0:11:58.080 --> 0:12:01.040 updates on Alex's memorial in Chicago, where his mom lives. 0:12:01.720 --> 0:12:04.040 Before long, the six of us in this group chat, 0:12:04.040 --> 0:12:06.560 we're talking so often that we gave ourselves a name 0:12:07.160 --> 0:12:11.640 Team Thor Daniels, a pseudonym Alex sometimes used online. I 0:12:11.679 --> 0:12:14.400 want to offer some of their pieces of Alex's story 0:12:14.440 --> 0:12:18.240 with you, the ways he helped them find their voice too. 0:12:19.800 --> 0:12:22.480 There's Bath. She was on the phone with a friend 0:12:22.520 --> 0:12:27.440 when she got her email. I was like, I think 0:12:27.520 --> 0:12:31.240 my friend just killed himself. And he's like, what, oh 0:12:31.320 --> 0:12:33.480 my god, Okay, do you need to go or can 0:12:33.520 --> 0:12:35.360 I help you? I was like, I think I just 0:12:35.400 --> 0:12:37.600 need to go. So I'm in my backyard here in 0:12:37.640 --> 0:12:40.960 front of my garage and I just respond right away 0:12:41.000 --> 0:12:45.720 like Alex, wait, call me. I want you to stay. 0:12:46.240 --> 0:12:47.840 And I said I love you and I always will. 0:12:49.080 --> 0:12:53.720 I just said thank you for bringing you. Um, he 0:12:53.840 --> 0:12:59.199 made my life better. Alex once introduced me in Bath 0:12:59.320 --> 0:13:03.240 over Twitter because we were his two blue check friends. Well, 0:13:03.320 --> 0:13:06.680 my check is questionable. Beth is legit famous and for 0:13:06.720 --> 0:13:11.080 good reason. Like Alex, she's thoughtful, empathetic, but perhaps above 0:13:11.120 --> 0:13:15.080 all else, a comedic genius. A couple of months after 0:13:15.120 --> 0:13:17.440 Alex died, Beth came to my city to film a 0:13:17.440 --> 0:13:20.959 comedy special for HBO Max. It's called Girl Daddy. You 0:13:21.000 --> 0:13:25.040 should definitely watch it. And I'm also not on birth 0:13:25.040 --> 0:13:28.720 control because sometimes birth control is like I know you're hungry, 0:13:28.760 --> 0:13:34.319 but what if you cried. She dedicated the special to Alex, 0:13:34.440 --> 0:13:37.559 whose free spirited nous influenced so much of her approach 0:13:37.600 --> 0:13:41.600 to humor. He really was he was sort of already 0:13:41.640 --> 0:13:44.199 out of this world before he left this world. And 0:13:44.440 --> 0:13:47.840 that sounds maybe cheesy, but in death people can be 0:13:48.920 --> 0:13:51.959 made to seem like greater than they are. But really 0:13:52.000 --> 0:13:56.000 I think it's just more looking back and analyzing how 0:13:56.440 --> 0:13:59.880 great he really was. Like he really just was, I mean, 0:14:00.040 --> 0:14:03.599 someone I still would like to be more like. And 0:14:03.760 --> 0:14:06.520 I wish I absorbed more about while he was here. 0:14:06.559 --> 0:14:09.400 But when you were around him, you got to act 0:14:09.440 --> 0:14:11.600 that way, you know, or feel a little bit of it. 0:14:11.920 --> 0:14:16.520 Um just the fully not afraid to be yourself. I 0:14:16.720 --> 0:14:19.800 just I mean, it sounds silly to say I envy it, 0:14:19.880 --> 0:14:25.400 but yeah. There's James, who, like me, also met Alex 0:14:25.440 --> 0:14:28.000 on a dating app, and the photo that he had 0:14:28.320 --> 0:14:31.280 was him like outside with like kind of a douchey 0:14:31.360 --> 0:14:33.240 smile in a backwards hat, but there's also like a 0:14:33.240 --> 0:14:36.000 cat on his shoulder, and I was like, okay. I 0:14:36.040 --> 0:14:39.960 remember clicking on his Instagram account and like seeing a 0:14:40.000 --> 0:14:43.720 lot of shots of him like just outdoors, and like 0:14:43.960 --> 0:14:47.400 it seemed very like kind of posed and very like 0:14:47.560 --> 0:14:50.280 mask for mask, but then like interspersed with that would 0:14:50.280 --> 0:14:53.000 be like bizarre images of Britney spears and just like 0:14:53.040 --> 0:14:56.040 all this random stuff thrown in, which I mean at 0:14:56.040 --> 0:14:57.760 the time was like I think that's kind of what 0:14:57.840 --> 0:14:59.920 made me intrigue to like talk to him, because he wasn't. 0:15:00.000 --> 0:15:03.920 It's like some dude, I knew nothing of James before 0:15:03.960 --> 0:15:08.080 Alex died, but I get why Alex messaged him. He's cute, funny, 0:15:08.360 --> 0:15:11.680 so sweet and supportive. As I started looking for Alice, 0:15:11.920 --> 0:15:15.520 James became one of my biggest cheerleaders, and like Alex, 0:15:15.800 --> 0:15:18.320 he always did it in a teasing way that kept 0:15:18.360 --> 0:15:21.120 me from taking any of it too seriously. I think 0:15:21.160 --> 0:15:25.200 Alex did for him too. There's so many people that 0:15:25.240 --> 0:15:28.680 he connected with online that don't have any relationship to 0:15:28.720 --> 0:15:33.120 each other. Like, no, I'm really glad you mentioned that, because, like, yeah, 0:15:33.200 --> 0:15:36.560 in the months after Alex died, I was like randomly 0:15:36.760 --> 0:15:41.640 tracking down people who he knew, because like I was 0:15:41.680 --> 0:15:45.680 just trying to like be useful somehow. You know, it 0:15:45.800 --> 0:15:49.120 is useful. It was more selfish than anything. No, I 0:15:49.120 --> 0:15:50.760 don't think it's selfish. I mean the image of it. 0:15:50.760 --> 0:15:52.640 You feel like that name of like Charlie and always 0:15:52.640 --> 0:15:56.080 studying in Philadelphia, like with in the office, like surrounded 0:15:56.080 --> 0:15:58.520 by like putting strings in between one of my favorite 0:15:58.560 --> 0:16:02.520 names ever. And that's a picture you making this podcast. 0:16:03.200 --> 0:16:06.520 I'm not even joking. It is truly an image that 0:16:06.640 --> 0:16:10.360 has come into my head multiple times. Just pianic gig 0:16:10.440 --> 0:16:13.600 and sweating and like seeing things. Yeah, that's definitely you've 0:16:13.640 --> 0:16:19.160 got me nailed there. Next, there's Due, who lives in Croatia. 0:16:19.920 --> 0:16:22.280 Do It is funny in a way that no description 0:16:22.320 --> 0:16:25.800 could do justice. He's unhinged, so witty, and I know 0:16:25.880 --> 0:16:29.400 he'd want me to say he's extremely cute too. Well, technically, 0:16:29.480 --> 0:16:31.320 what he really want me to say is that he's 0:16:31.400 --> 0:16:35.760 cuter than James. Is James doing this? Yeah, I'm going 0:16:35.800 --> 0:16:38.520 to interview him in a couple of weeks. Okay, just 0:16:38.600 --> 0:16:41.040 please make sure that if I have admitted that he 0:16:41.080 --> 0:16:45.840 gets like a second. In the days after Alex died, 0:16:46.000 --> 0:16:47.960 do It was the first person to make me laugh. 0:16:48.520 --> 0:16:50.840 He sent me some memes about Alex's death that were 0:16:51.000 --> 0:16:56.160 unbelievably dark but also exactly Alex's humor. In one, he 0:16:56.200 --> 0:16:58.600 took an old picture of me and Alex. I'm sitting 0:16:58.640 --> 0:17:00.920 on Alex's shoulders as we stand outside the gates of 0:17:00.960 --> 0:17:04.560 Lollapalooza in Chicago, trying to watch Santegal performed from across 0:17:04.600 --> 0:17:07.639 the street because we couldn't afford tickets. And he duplicated 0:17:07.680 --> 0:17:11.199 it in the duplicate image, do it erased Alex, so 0:17:11.320 --> 0:17:14.520 I'm just floating in the air. Then he put this 0:17:14.560 --> 0:17:17.960 new image side by side with the original above them. 0:17:18.040 --> 0:17:20.840 He wrote the caption ten year Challenge, a phrase that 0:17:20.920 --> 0:17:23.440 was making the rounds online at the time, where people 0:17:23.440 --> 0:17:25.919 would put an old and current picture side by side 0:17:25.920 --> 0:17:28.040 to show how they had changed over the last decade. 0:17:28.520 --> 0:17:31.880 Like I said, dark, when I saw do as meme, 0:17:32.200 --> 0:17:36.760 I laughed, cried and cried from laughing. Do it reminds 0:17:36.800 --> 0:17:38.879 me so much of Alex that it can actually be 0:17:38.920 --> 0:17:42.200 a little jarring. One time they even got suspended from 0:17:42.200 --> 0:17:44.919 the Britney fan forum where they met because the moderators 0:17:44.920 --> 0:17:48.080 thought they were the same person with two accounts. To me, 0:17:48.160 --> 0:17:50.920 it was a huge compliment because I'm like, gosh, because 0:17:51.000 --> 0:17:54.679 he's hilarious. So if somebody thinks some Alex, you know, 0:17:54.920 --> 0:17:57.719 I mean, that's I mean, that's the thing you sometimes 0:17:57.760 --> 0:17:59.720 the way that you remind me of Alex is almost 0:17:59.760 --> 0:18:02.639 sort of eerie. It's like, you know, you guys just 0:18:03.000 --> 0:18:06.760 obviously had a very special connection. Yeah, it was. It 0:18:06.800 --> 0:18:10.399 was really based on being more bit sarcastic and but 0:18:10.520 --> 0:18:14.600 overall loving. He was so loving to everyone, and I'm 0:18:14.600 --> 0:18:16.879 like the same way. But if you really don't know me, 0:18:17.000 --> 0:18:19.520 you might think of me and sound like this six 0:18:19.600 --> 0:18:23.040 ft two hung guy that doesn't really interact well but 0:18:23.160 --> 0:18:28.120 not quite. I'm a dancer for guys like Duet got 0:18:28.160 --> 0:18:32.240 his email from Alex early in Croatia time. I think 0:18:32.400 --> 0:18:35.439 I read it in six am in the morning, and 0:18:35.480 --> 0:18:39.200 I haven't got any emails from Alex. I think that 0:18:39.359 --> 0:18:43.200 last year, and because I was sending him emails and 0:18:43.240 --> 0:18:46.119 I thought, oh my god, he finally responded, I was 0:18:46.240 --> 0:18:50.840 just horrified. I don't know, I was really really bad. 0:18:51.680 --> 0:18:55.120 Joey very hard once said beautifully, I don't know who 0:18:55.200 --> 0:18:58.199 passed away, but she said, it's always said to ban 0:18:58.320 --> 0:19:03.000 comedian dies and um because Alexi was such a high 0:19:03.200 --> 0:19:05.840 energy person. I think he filled every room. He showed 0:19:05.880 --> 0:19:09.040 up and when you lost that person, it's like silence. 0:19:09.160 --> 0:19:14.360 You just loved with silence. At the beginning of our friendship, 0:19:14.440 --> 0:19:17.800 Alex showed me his signature loud, high pitched dog bark. 0:19:18.359 --> 0:19:21.600 Almost anyone who's met him has probably heard it. Beth 0:19:21.680 --> 0:19:23.480 remembers him doing it all the time when they met 0:19:23.520 --> 0:19:25.480 as co workers at a bengel shop the same year 0:19:25.480 --> 0:19:29.119 Alex and I met too. We would just be working together, 0:19:29.400 --> 0:19:31.800 he would, you know, either like moan makes a sort 0:19:31.800 --> 0:19:35.600 of corny moan, or like you know, we'd bark at 0:19:35.600 --> 0:19:38.920 each other. Yeah. I found this old video of Alex 0:19:38.960 --> 0:19:41.520 teaching me how to do that bark. Yeah. It sounded 0:19:41.640 --> 0:19:44.119 so real. It sounds like there was a dog in 0:19:44.200 --> 0:19:51.000 the bagel shop. Here's him trying to teach me. I 0:19:51.080 --> 0:19:56.399 try the bark, but I'm not quite getting it. My 0:19:56.520 --> 0:19:59.320 barks are hesitant and too low, like the way I 0:19:59.359 --> 0:20:03.720 had trained myself to speak. I'm embarrassed, looking down, averting 0:20:03.760 --> 0:20:08.199 my eyes as I try. So. Alex steps back in 0:20:09.600 --> 0:20:13.520 to show me how to do it. He encourages me 0:20:13.800 --> 0:20:18.960 and I try again, but I'm still not getting it, 0:20:19.160 --> 0:20:26.000 and I start laughing uncomfortably. The thing about the bark 0:20:26.160 --> 0:20:28.600 is that it's higher than I want to go. It 0:20:28.640 --> 0:20:31.880 feels so counterintuitive, so opposed to what I had told 0:20:31.920 --> 0:20:37.880 myself was safe. To do. It's high wild, but Alex 0:20:38.080 --> 0:20:42.040 doesn't chastise or shame me. He simply shows me again 0:20:42.440 --> 0:20:51.159 how it's done. Growing closer to Alex felt like an active, 0:20:51.240 --> 0:20:54.959 deep programming of all the bullshit I had internalized years 0:20:55.040 --> 0:20:57.720 of shame of what I should or shouldn't do, what 0:20:57.920 --> 0:21:01.000 did or didn't make me worthy of love. But he 0:21:01.040 --> 0:21:03.240 didn't do it by telling me how to be or 0:21:03.280 --> 0:21:06.480 what to do. He just showed the way and let 0:21:06.480 --> 0:21:10.960 me walk by his side. This is friendship at its 0:21:11.000 --> 0:21:14.480 best and most pure. I think when you find someone 0:21:14.560 --> 0:21:17.360 who loves you as you are, who tells you it's 0:21:17.359 --> 0:21:20.399 okay to let down your fronts, someone with whom you 0:21:20.440 --> 0:21:23.560 can both be yourself and become something more than you 0:21:23.600 --> 0:21:26.639 were before, who can help you find your voice and 0:21:26.720 --> 0:21:30.520 expand it. But after Alex died, it was like I 0:21:30.600 --> 0:21:33.800 lost part of my voice. I think this is partly 0:21:33.840 --> 0:21:36.920 why as I looked over his email again and again, 0:21:37.520 --> 0:21:43.520 I couldn't stop wondering about Alice, about this detail in 0:21:43.600 --> 0:21:48.280 Alex's email that I didn't understand, wondering what exactly he 0:21:48.359 --> 0:21:51.679 was trying to show me here. But am I Like 0:21:51.800 --> 0:21:55.320 some of the commenters on Brittany's Instagram, looking for meaning 0:21:55.520 --> 0:22:00.080 and the smallest thing so far we've heard from re. 0:22:00.280 --> 0:22:02.800 Out of the five people who became my inner circle 0:22:02.960 --> 0:22:06.560 after Alex died, there are two more, and they know 0:22:06.600 --> 0:22:10.639 Alex's interiority better than just about anyone. They're also the 0:22:10.640 --> 0:22:14.600 people who, because I began fixating on Alice, actually encouraged 0:22:14.640 --> 0:22:19.639 me to try to find her. There's Show She Alex's sister. 0:22:20.440 --> 0:22:23.479 In the weeks after Alex's death, we texted basically all 0:22:23.560 --> 0:22:27.240 day every day to coordinate details about his cremation and memorial, 0:22:27.320 --> 0:22:31.480 but also just you know, to deal. But Show She 0:22:31.560 --> 0:22:34.679 wasn't just texting me. She was working overtime to make 0:22:34.720 --> 0:22:37.080 sure all the people in Alex's life knew what had 0:22:37.080 --> 0:22:40.920 happened and to connect us to one another. Her determination 0:22:40.960 --> 0:22:44.080 in those days in the face of immense loss was 0:22:44.280 --> 0:22:48.200 unreal to me. I can't imagine getting through those first 0:22:48.240 --> 0:22:51.240 few days without that. I mean, I feel so grateful 0:22:51.280 --> 0:22:55.200 that you let me in. I'm so grateful that you 0:22:55.720 --> 0:23:00.640 you were you, you were so available and how full 0:23:00.720 --> 0:23:07.080 and understanding and respectful. Show. She and my paths first 0:23:07.119 --> 0:23:09.680 crossed in two thousand nine, when she and Alex were 0:23:09.680 --> 0:23:12.560 living at their mom's place, but she didn't really remember 0:23:12.560 --> 0:23:16.159 that when she found me online after Alex's death. I 0:23:16.200 --> 0:23:20.880 mean we hadn't really even spoken before. Well, you said 0:23:20.920 --> 0:23:22.520 that we met a couple of times when I was 0:23:22.600 --> 0:23:25.919 like super stoked. We like passed like ships in the 0:23:26.040 --> 0:23:30.120 night in the hallway of your house. Yeah, I mean 0:23:30.280 --> 0:23:34.440 my brother and his like friend hanging around exactly. Yeah 0:23:35.400 --> 0:23:40.040 was too cool. You were, for the record, very cool. 0:23:41.680 --> 0:23:46.959 A lot has changed Show. She is kind, sharp, and 0:23:47.280 --> 0:23:51.000 unapologetically herself, perhaps more so than anyone else I've ever 0:23:51.040 --> 0:23:54.359 met besides Alex. I aspire to one day be even 0:23:54.520 --> 0:23:57.320 half as much myself as Show she is. She's as 0:23:57.320 --> 0:24:00.760 one of a kind as Alex was. Their childhood wasn't 0:24:00.760 --> 0:24:03.520 always easy. Alex and Show She grew up in tight 0:24:03.600 --> 0:24:08.080 quarters with limited resources, and their big personalities could clash, 0:24:08.480 --> 0:24:11.399 But maybe in part because of that, there was total 0:24:11.440 --> 0:24:14.760 honesty in their relationship. They were never afraid to tell 0:24:14.800 --> 0:24:17.400 each other the truth, to fight, and to make up 0:24:17.400 --> 0:24:21.760 whenever the time was right. The last time that I 0:24:21.800 --> 0:24:26.880 spoke with my brother was through text messages, and I 0:24:27.000 --> 0:24:31.440 got mad at him for not responding to me. I didn't. Yeah, 0:24:31.440 --> 0:24:36.840 I got mad at him. Um, I mean I called 0:24:36.960 --> 0:24:41.399 him selfish and rude for not responding to me and 0:24:41.440 --> 0:24:44.840 at least letting me know that he was okay, and 0:24:45.280 --> 0:24:48.800 he blew up at me in his text message back 0:24:48.880 --> 0:24:52.359 to me and then blocked me, and um, that was 0:24:52.400 --> 0:24:55.720 the last time that we talked. When he did this, 0:24:56.040 --> 0:24:58.560 she decided to honor the boundary Alex had put up, 0:24:58.800 --> 0:25:02.000 knowing they'd find their way back to one another. You know, 0:25:02.080 --> 0:25:08.840 I wonder if because I was always keeping tabs on him, Um, 0:25:08.880 --> 0:25:10.840 I was always kind of asking where he was, what 0:25:10.880 --> 0:25:13.240 he was doing, like, just check in with me, if 0:25:13.320 --> 0:25:18.480 that was partially the reason why he wanted to disk 0:25:19.320 --> 0:25:23.560 totally disconnect from me. And because it's not that I 0:25:23.680 --> 0:25:27.439 forgot about him, I just let him disappear because I 0:25:27.480 --> 0:25:29.800 felt that's what he needed to do. I mean, I 0:25:29.840 --> 0:25:32.560