1 00:00:00,760 --> 00:00:04,000 Speaker 1: Amy Chan is the founder of renewed Breakup boot Camp, 2 00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:06,920 Speaker 1: a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to 3 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:09,800 Speaker 1: the healing heart. She is also the editor in chief 4 00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:12,960 Speaker 1: of hart Hackers Club. Amy has also been referred to 5 00:00:13,039 --> 00:00:15,680 Speaker 1: you know, I love this one as a relationship expert 6 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:18,680 Speaker 1: whose work is like that of a scientific Carrie Bradshaw. 7 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:23,000 Speaker 1: She's been featured on Good Morning America, Vogue, Glamour Nightline, 8 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:25,360 Speaker 1: in the front page of The New York Times. Her book, 9 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:28,160 Speaker 1: Breakup boot Camp, The Science of Rewiring Your Heart was 10 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:33,080 Speaker 1: published by HarperCollins and an instant Amazon bestseller. She's also 11 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,040 Speaker 1: just one of my favorite people and has joined us 12 00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:38,239 Speaker 1: on the podcast many times before. Amy, Hi, thank you 13 00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:38,880 Speaker 1: for being here. 14 00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:40,680 Speaker 2: Ry, thanks for having me. 15 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:45,120 Speaker 1: Welcome our topic this month that told you was shedding, 16 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:48,080 Speaker 1: and so we got a listener email that I thought, huh, 17 00:00:48,159 --> 00:00:51,440 Speaker 1: is this an interesting question to ask a relationship expert 18 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:57,640 Speaker 1: about platonic male female relationships once you get involved into 19 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:00,840 Speaker 1: a romantic relationship, Like, is that something that we should 20 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:03,000 Speaker 1: be shedding? Chip? Do you want to go ahead and 21 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:04,400 Speaker 1: read the email for us? 22 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:08,440 Speaker 3: Sure? It reads I dated a man for a while 23 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:11,959 Speaker 3: and he continually mentioned his female best friend straight out 24 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:14,080 Speaker 3: of the gate. He said that that they took a 25 00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:17,520 Speaker 3: trip together for his thirtieth birthday years back. Obviously a 26 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:20,920 Speaker 3: very long time female friend. The top line issue he 27 00:01:20,959 --> 00:01:24,800 Speaker 3: never introduced us. There were three instances where he chose 28 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:28,640 Speaker 3: her over me and quote unquote forgot about me. In 29 00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:32,360 Speaker 3: one of the situations, someone even assumed she was his girlfriend, 30 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:35,920 Speaker 3: which made me wonder. Early on in our relationship, he 31 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:39,080 Speaker 3: spent the night at her house when she was wait 32 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:40,840 Speaker 3: He spent the night at her house when she was 33 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:43,880 Speaker 3: not there because he rents his house as an airbnb 34 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:46,760 Speaker 3: and it overlapped. I was not ready for him to 35 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:49,480 Speaker 3: stay with me overnight. He reassured me that she wasn't 36 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:52,120 Speaker 3: there when he spent the night. He told me that 37 00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:54,720 Speaker 3: part of the reason he moved to Nashville was because 38 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:58,280 Speaker 3: of her. They were the same age, she is highly successful. 39 00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:00,480 Speaker 3: At one point, I kind of felt like we could 40 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:03,080 Speaker 3: be friends and get along as we seemed interested in 41 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:08,000 Speaker 3: similar things. Did she even know he was dating someone 42 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:10,640 Speaker 3: while she was hanging out with him. That's hard for 43 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:13,800 Speaker 3: me to comprehend because if she did, I personally wouldn't 44 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:15,960 Speaker 3: be spending that kind of time with someone out of 45 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:19,920 Speaker 3: pure respect. I have also never been a jealous person 46 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:23,320 Speaker 3: and took the upside of things, but this one has 47 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:25,960 Speaker 3: me a bit rocked. A month after we stopped talking, 48 00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:28,360 Speaker 3: I found out he took her along on one of 49 00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:31,919 Speaker 3: his work trips, took excursions with her in advance, basically 50 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,280 Speaker 3: doing things with her that I wanted to do, things 51 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:37,400 Speaker 3: I suggested that we do. He did this with a friend. 52 00:02:37,639 --> 00:02:40,680 Speaker 3: My question is, do you think it's appropriate to heavily 53 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:44,720 Speaker 3: maintain slash spend time with male slash female friends or 54 00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:48,000 Speaker 3: friends of the opposite sex when you're dating dating to 55 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,000 Speaker 3: build a relationship. 56 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:53,120 Speaker 1: Well, Amy, I will just go ahead and defer write 57 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:53,400 Speaker 1: to you. 58 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:56,080 Speaker 3: Okay, it's a sticky one. 59 00:02:56,320 --> 00:03:00,000 Speaker 4: Okay, So I'm going to start with a general response 60 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:02,480 Speaker 4: and then I'm going to zoom into her specific situation. 61 00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:06,959 Speaker 4: Generally speaking, it is totally okay to have friends of 62 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:11,280 Speaker 4: the opposite sex, and in fact, it is healthy. Having 63 00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:15,760 Speaker 4: friends of the opposite sex can give you perspective, and 64 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:19,520 Speaker 4: it's not like, ooh, you know, once you pass your teens, 65 00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:22,040 Speaker 4: if you're like friends with someone in the opposite sex 66 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:25,200 Speaker 4: and it has to be sexual, it's not. And I'll 67 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:28,720 Speaker 4: go back into the zoomed out version after I talked 68 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:33,880 Speaker 4: about the situation. In this specific situation, we have what 69 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:38,520 Speaker 4: on our hands something called a third And in any relationship, 70 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:42,800 Speaker 4: a third can be a controlling mother in law. It 71 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:46,640 Speaker 4: could be this best friend that kind of crosses limits. 72 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:54,000 Speaker 4: A third is something or someone that threatens the bond 73 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,960 Speaker 4: and partnership between the two people who are in the relationship, 74 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:03,800 Speaker 4: and is a period of time where there's a transition. 75 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,760 Speaker 4: So when two people get together, maybe they do have 76 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:09,400 Speaker 4: that best friend that used to do everything together and 77 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:13,120 Speaker 4: then there's like a gradual kind of shifting and limits 78 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:16,440 Speaker 4: are put. Not that you abandon the friendship, but that 79 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:19,960 Speaker 4: friendship looks a little bit different, and you want to 80 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:24,120 Speaker 4: as a partner, make sure that your partner knows that 81 00:04:24,279 --> 00:04:27,960 Speaker 4: they are the priority, that the relationship is the priority, 82 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:31,480 Speaker 4: and if they're uncomfortable, then you have conversations about that 83 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:36,720 Speaker 4: and things are renegotiated. You can't live your bachelor life 84 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:39,479 Speaker 4: like you did or your bachelorette life like you did 85 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:43,960 Speaker 4: when you are creating a partnership with someone. So in 86 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,880 Speaker 4: this case, it seems like the third was this best 87 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:52,400 Speaker 4: friend and maybe the intention was innocent, but the reality 88 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:56,320 Speaker 4: is it was impacting the person who is in the relationship, 89 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:59,720 Speaker 4: the girlfriend, and impacting them in a negative way, and 90 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:02,320 Speaker 4: it's seemed like this boyfriend didn't really care. 91 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,200 Speaker 2: And he's like, well, I used to do it like this. 92 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:05,720 Speaker 2: I used to have these trips, I used to do 93 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:06,400 Speaker 2: the sleepovers. 94 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:07,880 Speaker 4: I'm going to just keep doing the thing that I 95 00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:11,479 Speaker 4: want to do. And unfortunately that shows that this person 96 00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:15,279 Speaker 4: isn't that we oriented and it's really like, well, what 97 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,600 Speaker 4: feels good for me, what's comfortable for me and you? 98 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:21,400 Speaker 4: If you want a partnership, you need to build that 99 00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:24,920 Speaker 4: muscle and that skill to think for we to think 100 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:28,160 Speaker 4: as a team. And this relationship, whether it was this 101 00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:31,159 Speaker 4: best friend being an issue or it's later on down 102 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:33,479 Speaker 4: the road, maybe they have a family, there's gonna be 103 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:36,640 Speaker 4: another thing where it shows he's going to choose being 104 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:39,520 Speaker 4: selfish and what he wants to do and she's just 105 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:40,279 Speaker 4: shit out of luck. 106 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:43,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, you can cut our edge. 107 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:46,640 Speaker 3: I love it already. 108 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,640 Speaker 1: I love that you're doing the version of it where 109 00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:54,880 Speaker 1: it's just about more about being selfish versus the laser 110 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:59,640 Speaker 1: focus of this specific relationship, because it just looks to 111 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:02,520 Speaker 1: me like it's not thinking as the team. And so 112 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,240 Speaker 1: my other question would be at what point because she 113 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,840 Speaker 1: did mention this was like beginning stages. You know, this 114 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:10,760 Speaker 1: seems like maybe they didn't date that long. I'm not 115 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,839 Speaker 1: even sure if they're still together. But at what point 116 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:17,560 Speaker 1: should we start kind of analyzing our life and looking 117 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:21,880 Speaker 1: at our relationships outside of our romantic relationship that we 118 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:25,280 Speaker 1: just began? Like does that that? Did that word that 119 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:27,560 Speaker 1: in a way that makes sense? Yeah? 120 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:31,640 Speaker 4: So, like, is there a time point in the relationship 121 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:34,320 Speaker 4: where it's like, okay, like let's kind of do an 122 00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:36,800 Speaker 4: inventory of all the threats of the relationship. 123 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,120 Speaker 1: Well, I mean because at the beginning, you don't know 124 00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:40,840 Speaker 1: if you're going to stay with someone, right, Like, if 125 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:42,240 Speaker 1: you just go on a couple of dates with someone, 126 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:44,719 Speaker 1: it's not like you should uproot your entire life or 127 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:46,040 Speaker 1: the way you do things. Yet. 128 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:49,839 Speaker 4: For sure, Yeah, I think there's a point in time 129 00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:53,960 Speaker 4: where it's no longer just dating, and it's two people 130 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:57,600 Speaker 4: who've made a conscious decision of we're going to choose 131 00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:01,400 Speaker 4: to level up and deep in the investment in this 132 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:04,320 Speaker 4: commitment and we are walking on a path of building 133 00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:09,279 Speaker 4: a partnership. When you make that decision, then things do 134 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:13,000 Speaker 4: start to change. You have to start thinking about, Okay, 135 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:15,960 Speaker 4: my apartment we want to live together. Are they just 136 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:19,560 Speaker 4: going to move into my you know, single bachelor place 137 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:21,960 Speaker 4: with all my stuff here, or are we going to 138 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:25,120 Speaker 4: think we like, there's all these decisions that you have 139 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,680 Speaker 4: to start to make that are different from when you 140 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:29,480 Speaker 4: were just purely a single person. 141 00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:32,920 Speaker 1: Yeah, it feels like she was maybe picking up on 142 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:36,920 Speaker 1: the instinct that he wasn't operating as a partnership at all. 143 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:37,960 Speaker 4: Yeah, And. 144 00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:43,000 Speaker 3: It also doesn't it's not that clear how long the 145 00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:45,400 Speaker 3: relationship was. She just said I dated for a while, 146 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:50,920 Speaker 3: So I wonder if she the writer was further along 147 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:55,640 Speaker 3: mentally than he was in the relationship and he you know, like, 148 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:57,880 Speaker 3: I mean, it seems like there was a decent amount 149 00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:00,760 Speaker 3: of time, but like this could have been two months, 150 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,920 Speaker 3: you know. Yeah. And I can also understand from the 151 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:08,600 Speaker 3: person who wrote this her perspective of like not wanting 152 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:11,240 Speaker 3: to seem like a bitch to the best friend, because 153 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:14,960 Speaker 3: then she's gonna be in easy ear about like why 154 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,200 Speaker 3: are you dating this girl? She doesn't seem like anyone 155 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,040 Speaker 3: that you should be with, Like, she doesn't seem to 156 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:23,880 Speaker 3: trust our relationship. So it's a really touchy sort of thing. 157 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,080 Speaker 3: To walk it seems like. 158 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:29,360 Speaker 4: Yeah, that's a really good point ship. And ultimately, in 159 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:33,439 Speaker 4: this case, it is up to the boyfriend to create 160 00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:37,280 Speaker 4: those limits and boundaries. It's not hers. When there's a 161 00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:41,040 Speaker 4: third right and now zooming out. If you have a 162 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:44,719 Speaker 4: mother that's constantly controlling, like looking into your life and 163 00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:49,360 Speaker 4: they're coming into your relationship, it's not the wife's responsibility 164 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:52,240 Speaker 4: to then have a conversation with her. 165 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:54,520 Speaker 2: Mother in law. She talks to her husband. 166 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,120 Speaker 4: The husband's like, Okay, I'm going to take care of this, 167 00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:00,439 Speaker 4: and the husband goes and does his thing to make 168 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:03,920 Speaker 4: sure that he's protecting the relationship bubble. 169 00:09:06,559 --> 00:09:09,880 Speaker 1: So ultimately, men and women it's totally fine to be 170 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:13,679 Speaker 1: friends and they can't be like, it's not like you're 171 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,000 Speaker 1: attracted to every man or woman in this world. 172 00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:18,920 Speaker 2: And let's be realistic here. 173 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:22,520 Speaker 4: You can be friends with someone of the opposite sex 174 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:25,120 Speaker 4: and maybe they do think you're really pretty mm hmm. 175 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:28,199 Speaker 4: There's gonna be people who are going to be attracted 176 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,280 Speaker 4: to you. There's going to be people that you're going 177 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:33,000 Speaker 4: to look at you, Oh, you're attractive, But it's ultimately 178 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:35,920 Speaker 4: up to you as a person in a relationship that 179 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:39,800 Speaker 4: is committed that if you've chosen loyalty and monogamy, that 180 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:43,400 Speaker 4: you stay in integrity with that. And you can't control 181 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:45,760 Speaker 4: all of the factors that are going to be happening 182 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:47,920 Speaker 4: in the world. And if this person looks at you 183 00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:51,720 Speaker 4: this way, and like someone complicent compliments you, you can't 184 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:54,520 Speaker 4: control all of that, right, right, and and so like 185 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,280 Speaker 4: I like, for me personally, I have a lot of 186 00:09:57,320 --> 00:10:00,400 Speaker 4: friends male female, and I'm sure, yeah, some of them 187 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,640 Speaker 4: probably think I'm hot. Maybe like I was single, they 188 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:05,360 Speaker 4: would date me. That's not my it's not my problem. 189 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:08,439 Speaker 4: Like I know my boundaries, I know where I'm going. 190 00:10:08,559 --> 00:10:10,680 Speaker 4: I don't want to date them. Like I'm committed to 191 00:10:10,679 --> 00:10:14,160 Speaker 4: my partnership. So it's not about like, ooh, let's pluck 192 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:17,240 Speaker 4: out anyone who thinks Amy's pretty. Yeah. 193 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:19,880 Speaker 1: Yeah. 194 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:22,800 Speaker 3: I also like in my relationship with my boyfriend, we 195 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,160 Speaker 3: you know, it's like if we see someone we think 196 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:29,960 Speaker 3: is hot, like we started very early allowing the other 197 00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,040 Speaker 3: person to say it, you know what I mean, because 198 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:35,160 Speaker 3: it's like there's no reason why we sho why that 199 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,960 Speaker 3: should in my opinion, there's no reason why my opinion 200 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,600 Speaker 3: of what someone looks like should change. It doesn't mean 201 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,160 Speaker 3: I want to sleep with them. But I can note 202 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,640 Speaker 3: if a hot person walks by, just like I can 203 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:48,280 Speaker 3: note that a beautiful woman walks by and I don't 204 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:50,920 Speaker 3: want to sleep with her, you know. Like, so I 205 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:52,880 Speaker 3: you know, I think it's it is really about like 206 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:56,920 Speaker 3: setting the boundaries early on, because you know, if it's 207 00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,920 Speaker 3: not if it's an unspoken thing and you don't know, 208 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,800 Speaker 3: and then suddenly you start doing doing something out of 209 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,880 Speaker 3: the blue that makes somebody really uncomfortable, it might kind 210 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,720 Speaker 3: of be too late, like you might like have lost 211 00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:10,600 Speaker 3: that battle and could you know, cause a much worse fight, 212 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,680 Speaker 3: I would think, you know. So I think it's like 213 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:16,760 Speaker 3: for boundaries like this, they need to be discussed pretty 214 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:21,000 Speaker 3: early on. And this seemed like, you know, it was 215 00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:23,160 Speaker 3: an obvious thing right out of the get go, you know, 216 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:26,640 Speaker 3: like so maybe maybe the writer I don't know what 217 00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:28,960 Speaker 3: her name is, but maybe she just took too long 218 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:32,760 Speaker 3: to like address it and it became something that like 219 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:36,000 Speaker 3: was so much bigger than it needed to be. 220 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:38,760 Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think. 221 00:11:38,559 --> 00:11:42,160 Speaker 4: It is important that there is when, especially in the 222 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,880 Speaker 4: beginning stages of building, there has to be. 223 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:47,199 Speaker 2: A sense of safety. 224 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:52,760 Speaker 4: Yeah, And so, like some people might have an issue 225 00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:57,680 Speaker 4: with the best friend, some people might not. I know again, personally, 226 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:02,760 Speaker 4: my when I just started dating my partner, my boyfriend 227 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,240 Speaker 4: went on a meditation retreat with his best friend who's 228 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:08,160 Speaker 4: a girl, and I was like, amazing, this is awesome. 229 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:09,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, have a fun time. 230 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:11,920 Speaker 4: Like I just didn't like if I was really if 231 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:14,320 Speaker 4: there was something about the relationship or us that I 232 00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:16,880 Speaker 4: was a little bit insecure about, maybe I wouldn't have 233 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:20,960 Speaker 4: been so open minded about it. And I think, like, yeah, 234 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,760 Speaker 4: it is sometimes it's not rational, right, Like you might 235 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:25,360 Speaker 4: be like, what, I've known this person, They're like a 236 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:28,640 Speaker 4: sibling to me, and your new partner feels a little 237 00:12:28,679 --> 00:12:31,800 Speaker 4: bit weird. And again, if you want to invest in 238 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:35,760 Speaker 4: the relationship, then you want to then focus like, Okay, 239 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:38,360 Speaker 4: what can I do to create a sense of safety 240 00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:42,400 Speaker 4: that is reasonable? And when a foundation is built and 241 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:45,360 Speaker 4: you feel connected and two people feel safe, a lot 242 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:47,800 Speaker 4: of these things are just symptomatic of something else. 243 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,679 Speaker 1: It's so true. Would I totally agree the guy that 244 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,760 Speaker 1: I'm dating currently, his best friend is a girl, and 245 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:56,440 Speaker 1: I've never and I've all people tip I think you 246 00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:59,080 Speaker 1: would be like oof because I have typically in the 247 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:01,840 Speaker 1: past had a hard time just because of being cheated 248 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,400 Speaker 1: on in the past and things like that, this relationship 249 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:07,240 Speaker 1: has never once bothered me, but it's because of the 250 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:10,000 Speaker 1: way he's handled it. And like I've met her, I 251 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:14,319 Speaker 1: know the reader the writer mentioned that she never was introduced, 252 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,560 Speaker 1: And sometimes it just takes that one simple thing and 253 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:20,920 Speaker 1: it removes all the questions. You feel totally comfortable because 254 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:24,760 Speaker 1: you feel included, and then there's no guessing. So let's 255 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,000 Speaker 1: talk about the boundaries. I know we've mentioned that word 256 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:31,079 Speaker 1: a couple times. What are some good boundaries that people 257 00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:33,480 Speaker 1: can set if they do find themselves in a situation 258 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:37,199 Speaker 1: like this where their partner is best friends or friends 259 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:38,680 Speaker 1: with someone from the opposite sex. 260 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,920 Speaker 4: So are you asking the case of like this boyfriend, 261 00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:44,280 Speaker 4: what he could have done. 262 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:47,320 Speaker 1: Well, maybe let's do both. What could the girlfriend make, Like, 263 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,439 Speaker 1: what are some requests that maybe she could make to 264 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:53,760 Speaker 1: ask for safety? You know, like she obviously didn't feel safe, 265 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:57,160 Speaker 1: so was there something she asked from him? And then 266 00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:00,760 Speaker 1: let's talk about maybe from the boyfriends perconspective, what are 267 00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:03,640 Speaker 1: some boundaries that if you are the one in the 268 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:07,360 Speaker 1: situation where you have the friend of the opposite sex, 269 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:09,880 Speaker 1: that maybe you could be aware of or kind of 270 00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:11,520 Speaker 1: keep on your Radar et cetera. 271 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:14,839 Speaker 4: Yeah, okay, So if I was a girl, this is 272 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:17,800 Speaker 4: what I would have said to my boyfriend. I'd be like, Hey, 273 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:22,160 Speaker 4: I know you have this really incredible friendship and I really, 274 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:26,120 Speaker 4: you know, want to respect that, and I really want 275 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:30,440 Speaker 4: to like continue building our relationship. I would love to 276 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:32,680 Speaker 4: meet her. I that would make me feel really comfortable. 277 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,400 Speaker 4: And I know that you, you know, have a history of 278 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:37,400 Speaker 4: like doing these things together, and I'm not going to 279 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:41,000 Speaker 4: encroach on your time. This is what would make me 280 00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:44,960 Speaker 4: feel really comfortable meeting her maybe once in a while. 281 00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:48,160 Speaker 4: Coming along to a thing, you know, then you kind 282 00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:50,880 Speaker 4: of state your preferences. You're not making a demand. You're 283 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:52,920 Speaker 4: not being like, well, I need to go to that 284 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:56,680 Speaker 4: thing then, because when you make a demand, what happens 285 00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:59,920 Speaker 4: is automatically people have two reactions. 286 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,240 Speaker 2: They are either going to rebel against you and be 287 00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:04,760 Speaker 2: like fuck you, or they're going to comply and then 288 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:07,840 Speaker 2: they're going to resent you. So they have to ultimately choose. 289 00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:11,240 Speaker 2: You can only say to preference. That's what I would say. 290 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:13,120 Speaker 2: I would let them know how to make it comfortable 291 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:13,360 Speaker 2: for me. 292 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:19,400 Speaker 1: Okay, And then if you're the boyfriend and your partner 293 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,960 Speaker 1: expresses to you certain things that you would you know, 294 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,760 Speaker 1: the safety pieces or whatever. Then what do you need 295 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:28,040 Speaker 1: to be alert or aware of within your relationship with 296 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:28,560 Speaker 1: the friend? 297 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,920 Speaker 4: Yeah, so I think at that point you have to 298 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:36,080 Speaker 4: if you're in this situation, if you're the guy, you 299 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:40,840 Speaker 4: have to like look at what is my partner asking? 300 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,600 Speaker 2: Okay? And is it reasonable? 301 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:47,800 Speaker 4: Like if you were in their position, like. 302 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,280 Speaker 2: Like are they totally being crazy? 303 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,680 Speaker 4: Because I think sometimes we get defensive, We're like, oh, 304 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:53,080 Speaker 4: you're being crazy or being sensitive, but like really are they? 305 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:57,240 Speaker 4: Am I doing everything that I possibly can to create 306 00:15:57,280 --> 00:16:01,040 Speaker 4: a safe container for my partner and be really honest 307 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:03,840 Speaker 4: with you yourself, And if you don't know, I would 308 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:06,960 Speaker 4: really get a second opinion, probably from a professional expert, 309 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,640 Speaker 4: not someone who's just going to agree with you. 310 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:10,560 Speaker 2: That will help you. 311 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:14,480 Speaker 4: And then when you go to your best friend or whatnot, 312 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:18,200 Speaker 4: I wouldn't blame it on your like oh, yeah, you 313 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,200 Speaker 4: know what, my girlfriend doesn't really like us hanging out, 314 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,040 Speaker 4: just be like, you know, I know, we had like 315 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:27,440 Speaker 4: that trip schedule together and like I'm dating this person, 316 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:30,040 Speaker 4: it's going really well, and I think just so I 317 00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:33,440 Speaker 4: could like really make her feel comfortable and also like 318 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,720 Speaker 4: be able to have some time with her. I'm gonna 319 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:37,960 Speaker 4: pause on the trip and like, why don't we instead, 320 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,640 Speaker 4: like just do a dinner together, Like you're gonna also 321 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,840 Speaker 4: like into create your best friend and your new friend. 322 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:47,680 Speaker 4: And look, in this situation, this guy's best friend was 323 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:50,520 Speaker 4: getting all of the emotional connection without being in a relationship. 324 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,840 Speaker 2: Of course she's gonna make it, I'm say. 325 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:56,720 Speaker 4: Obviously, yeah, and she probably is, like whether you know, 326 00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,960 Speaker 4: I'm sure she's a good person, but probably deep down 327 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:02,360 Speaker 4: she's probably protective of this relationship that was really nourishing 328 00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:04,240 Speaker 4: for her. She probably doesn't want to let it go either. 329 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:07,280 Speaker 1: That's what I was going to say, Because there's that 330 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:11,280 Speaker 1: thing where like, if you're in the relationship, you have 331 00:17:11,359 --> 00:17:14,160 Speaker 1: this friendship with this person of the opposite sex, what 332 00:17:14,359 --> 00:17:18,600 Speaker 1: needs can you get met ultimately that you wouldn't then 333 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:20,920 Speaker 1: have to turn to your partner, you know, like if 334 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,760 Speaker 1: you start talking to your friend about the issues you 335 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:27,679 Speaker 1: and your partner are having, that's bad for the relationship, right, 336 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,560 Speaker 1: And so it's like where where do you draw the line? Though, 337 00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:33,000 Speaker 1: especially if it's your like best friend, your confidant, that 338 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:35,960 Speaker 1: you usually go to something about it being the opposite 339 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,919 Speaker 1: sex to me always seems to kind of ping me 340 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,040 Speaker 1: a little more of like, oh, but they could be 341 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,160 Speaker 1: going and getting their emotional needs met there. 342 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:47,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I hear you. 343 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:49,280 Speaker 4: I think it's a valid fear, right, Like, yeah, we 344 00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:51,760 Speaker 4: want to be able to de risk as much as 345 00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:54,360 Speaker 4: possible so that we don't get hurt or we don't 346 00:17:54,400 --> 00:18:00,639 Speaker 4: get betrayed. But ultimately, when you choose someone, the you know, 347 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,679 Speaker 4: the hope is you are going to be in integrity 348 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:06,879 Speaker 4: and the partner you've chosen is also going to be 349 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,280 Speaker 4: an integrity and there's only so much we can do 350 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:11,560 Speaker 4: control to control them. 351 00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:15,239 Speaker 1: Yeah, and she drops right. 352 00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:19,120 Speaker 3: I Mean what's interesting too, is like in the paradigm 353 00:18:19,119 --> 00:18:21,840 Speaker 3: that we're talking about now about opposite sex, Like if 354 00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:23,600 Speaker 3: you think about it gay and relate the gay and 355 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:28,320 Speaker 3: lesbian relationships, like most gays they're best friends or men, right, 356 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,840 Speaker 3: and most lesbians best friends are women. So it's like 357 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:36,159 Speaker 3: you're kind of dealing with it all the time, and 358 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,320 Speaker 3: so I think it is. I think Amy brings up 359 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:40,439 Speaker 3: the best point is like you just have to like 360 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:43,240 Speaker 3: have faith in like the integrity of the person that 361 00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:46,480 Speaker 3: you're choosing to be with. I mean in the in 362 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:51,560 Speaker 3: a in a in the straight scenario, Like, my concern 363 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:56,000 Speaker 3: would be that, like if say I'm the man and 364 00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:59,800 Speaker 3: I'm talking to my female best friend about thing issues 365 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:05,240 Speaker 3: and relationship to get like a woman's perspective, Like I wonder, 366 00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:08,760 Speaker 3: like the if the chance of like because you're being 367 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:10,880 Speaker 3: vulnerable and you're talking about things that are not going 368 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:13,880 Speaker 3: well in your relationship, if it opens up a portal 369 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:17,280 Speaker 3: in your friendship that wasn't really there that's when I met, 370 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:23,800 Speaker 3: like something that happened that like wasn't there before, then 371 00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:27,280 Speaker 3: you start having real problems because the emotional connection changes. 372 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,400 Speaker 3: It's not just I love you, you're my best friend, 373 00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:32,280 Speaker 3: it's like, wait a minute, I haven't seen this vulnerable 374 00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:34,320 Speaker 3: side of you, and I'm falling in love with you, 375 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,040 Speaker 3: and maybe that I think that could be a real concern. 376 00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:38,960 Speaker 3: But I also think that probably happens in the game 377 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,400 Speaker 3: the gay on the gay side of things as well. 378 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:47,800 Speaker 4: So yeah, I think ultimately our relationship there are things 379 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:51,960 Speaker 4: that are sacred. And if you find you're constantly going 380 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:55,880 Speaker 4: to your friend, whether they're same sex, opposite sex, whatever, 381 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:59,119 Speaker 4: and you're you're kind of spilling the secrets and the 382 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:04,119 Speaker 4: deepest intimacy of your relationship there's something that's unhealthy there. Yeah, 383 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:08,959 Speaker 4: so either you know, get professional help, or you know, 384 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,680 Speaker 4: like take a step back and look at why you're 385 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:16,280 Speaker 4: going to your friend and revealing all this stuff that 386 00:20:16,359 --> 00:20:19,119 Speaker 4: is actually meant to be you having a conversation with 387 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:20,679 Speaker 4: your partner to deal with it. 388 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:22,720 Speaker 2: Sometimes we don't deal with our. 389 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:26,080 Speaker 4: Own partner because we're just talking to someone else about it, right, well. 390 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,960 Speaker 1: Right, And the stakes are higher when you're dealing with 391 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:32,120 Speaker 1: your partner. There's emotions, there's the relationship couldn't the relationship 392 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:35,240 Speaker 1: could be on the line with those conversations, like hard conversations, 393 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:38,560 Speaker 1: and stakes are just so much higher in a romantic 394 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:44,359 Speaker 1: situation than if you're just venting to a friend, right, yeah. Yeah. 395 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,959 Speaker 1: So if this person was a client of yours and 396 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:49,399 Speaker 1: came to you and said exactly what she said in 397 00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:52,920 Speaker 1: the email to you, are there any major red flags 398 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,080 Speaker 1: that you would just say, well, we should take note 399 00:20:55,119 --> 00:20:56,919 Speaker 1: of this. Is it just to go back to she 400 00:20:57,040 --> 00:21:00,800 Speaker 1: obviously didn't feel safe. As the bigger picture. 401 00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:06,120 Speaker 4: I would have first worked with her to do whatever 402 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:11,520 Speaker 4: she could to communicate and know that she's kind of 403 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:14,760 Speaker 4: done her part. And if she communicated and he was 404 00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:18,320 Speaker 4: like I don't care, then yeah, like that's right now, 405 00:21:18,359 --> 00:21:20,359 Speaker 4: Like this person is not a team player with you, 406 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:24,679 Speaker 4: and so yes, get out. But if she kind of 407 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:26,200 Speaker 4: was like, oh well, I kind of don't want to 408 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:29,880 Speaker 4: say anything and maybe he should just know. I would 409 00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:34,120 Speaker 4: then focus on, well, why do you not communicate your 410 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:37,000 Speaker 4: needs or you push them down? What's there? What's the 411 00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:39,359 Speaker 4: root of that? And we would work on that versus 412 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:40,400 Speaker 4: before we work on him. 413 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:43,879 Speaker 1: Yeah. Oh I love these points. Well. As I mentioned before, 414 00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:46,560 Speaker 1: Amy is the founder of the Breakup boot Camp, which 415 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:49,240 Speaker 1: I have attended. It was very helpful in my life. 416 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:52,400 Speaker 1: But you've also now started a podcast, so it's much 417 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:56,840 Speaker 1: more accessible to people to learn about the rules of 418 00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:58,639 Speaker 1: the Breakup boot Camp. I guess if you will, do 419 00:21:58,640 --> 00:21:59,879 Speaker 1: you want to tell us what we can find on 420 00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:00,560 Speaker 1: the podcast? 421 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:05,600 Speaker 4: Yeah, So it's seven episodes. Each episode is on a 422 00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:08,320 Speaker 4: different stage of the healing process because you need different 423 00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:11,560 Speaker 4: strategies depending on where you're at. So what you're gonna 424 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:13,760 Speaker 4: do in the shock stage, it's very different than when 425 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:16,600 Speaker 4: you're in the denial stage. And it really whether you're 426 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,040 Speaker 4: in a breakup or you're not. It just really goes 427 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:23,399 Speaker 4: into the science and psychology of relationship patterns. Why do 428 00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:25,679 Speaker 4: we choose the people we do? Why do we act codependent? 429 00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:27,679 Speaker 4: Why don't we stay at our boundaries? Why do we 430 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:32,560 Speaker 4: go for the unavailable person? We so often we think 431 00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:35,000 Speaker 4: it's because of our ex. It's our ex's fault. They're 432 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,639 Speaker 4: like this, But like, it's never just about the X. 433 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:41,000 Speaker 4: It's recycled paid. And if we don't figure out our patterns, 434 00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:44,240 Speaker 4: they don't magically disappear through time. They follow you from 435 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:45,560 Speaker 4: relationship to relationship. 436 00:22:46,119 --> 00:22:48,720 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not just about finding the new relationship and 437 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:50,920 Speaker 1: then you're fixed. I try that one, guys. Just let 438 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:55,160 Speaker 1: me to just tell you it's not about that. Well, 439 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:57,560 Speaker 1: you guys, go check out that podcast. I'll put the 440 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:00,679 Speaker 1: link in the description of this podcast. Where else can 441 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:02,240 Speaker 1: people find you? 442 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:05,160 Speaker 4: You can follow me on Instagram at miss amy Chan 443 00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:08,600 Speaker 4: on My website is renew Breakup bootcamp dot com. 444 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:10,840 Speaker 1: Amazing, And again I'll put all of that in the 445 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:13,320 Speaker 1: description of this podcast. Thank you so much for being here. 446 00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:16,480 Speaker 3: It is always such a pleasure, so good to finally 447 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:16,879 Speaker 3: meet you. 448 00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:18,440 Speaker 2: Yeah, nice to be too. 449 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:20,400 Speaker 1: Thank you guys for listening.