Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central while Russia is threatening to
Speaker 1: violate Ukraine's sovereignty. They're already violating the rules of the Olympics,
Speaker 1: and it's causing a huge controversy in the world of
Speaker 1: figure skating, with the world watching her every move. This morning,
Speaker 1: fifteen year old rushing figure skater Kamela Valieva is set
Speaker 1: to take to the ice despite testing positive for an
Speaker 1: illegal performance enhancing substance before the Games. A positive drug
Speaker 1: test is going to be on the ice here in
Speaker 1: a few hours, skating at the Olympic Games. I cannot
Speaker 1: believe I just said that sentence. IOC now saying that
Speaker 1: Valieva claims there was a mix up with her grandfather's
Speaker 1: heart medication. International Court deciding she can still compete while
Speaker 1: they investigate further. In response, the IOC saying if Valieva
Speaker 1: lands in the top three, there will be no medals
Speaker 1: handed out until the investigation is complete. I can't believe
Speaker 1: they caught someone cheating and they're still letting her compete
Speaker 1: while they investigate. More like guys, it almost feels like
Speaker 1: the investigation is not about whether she cheatd or not.
Speaker 1: It's almost like the real investigation here is Okay, let's
Speaker 1: let's see what these drugs can do. Let it rip
Speaker 1: will come on, let's just see we just what we
Speaker 1: want to know, right, everybody wants to know. I also
Speaker 1: know that nobody believes her excuse right, that she accidentally
Speaker 1: took her grandfather's heart medication. But I do. I believe
Speaker 1: her because I know what it was like growing up.
Speaker 1: Me and my family, we always had a big bowl
Speaker 1: of loose pills all mixed together. It's an easy mistake
Speaker 1: to make this when yours. I don't know. I know
Speaker 1: my estrogen has changed, Grandma, but I don't know. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: everyone's obsessed with this girl and the pills. That's all
Speaker 1: everyone's talking about there, Like this fifteen year old took
Speaker 1: the pills and she did this. Yeah, everyone's focusing on
Speaker 1: No one is focusing on the fact that her grandpa
Speaker 1: took her medication. Now he's dominating Bingo at the old
Speaker 1: Folks Home. I will say, you know, like, one of
Speaker 1: the things that shocked me about the story is that
Speaker 1: I've always pictured performance enhancing drugs and steroids for things
Speaker 1: that you need like powerful, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Like like extreme power, sprinting, live. I never thought i'd
Speaker 1: see that day where a figure skater would be injecting themselves,
Speaker 1: just like, alright, let's go now. A lot of people
Speaker 1: are scratching their heads. A lot of people have been
Speaker 1: asking this online, saying why why is it that this
Speaker 1: Russian skate zone is still being allowed to compete in
Speaker 1: the Olympics when she carry Richardson? Remember her she was
Speaker 1: kicked out of the Olympics after she smoked wheat. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but apparently the reason for this, and I just found
Speaker 1: this out, is that one difference is that if you're
Speaker 1: a minor in sports and you get caught doping, they
Speaker 1: give you more leeway because you're young and you're impressionable
Speaker 1: and you may not be in control of what you're
Speaker 1: putting into your body. Yeah, I didn't know that. That's
Speaker 1: a pretty big loophole in the anti doping rules. Like
Speaker 1: I'm not saying Russia had this minor takes steroids on
Speaker 1: purpose because they knew she wouldn't get in trouble, But
Speaker 1: if they did do it on purpose, I mean, you
Speaker 1: gotta admit that's a pretty slick move. You know. It's
Speaker 1: the same reason drug dealers put kids out on the
Speaker 1: corner like ship, which did you get as juvie? Come on, man.
Speaker 1: But again, I'm not saying that Russia did this on purpose.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that. I'm just saying, don't be shocked
Speaker 1: when later this week they used fifteen year olds to
Speaker 1: invade Ukraine. The new culture war raging across America is
Speaker 1: over books a k a. Movies without the cool sound effects. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I always think the movies are better. I'm gonna read
Speaker 1: a book and then I gotta do it myself. Pew pew,
Speaker 1: pew pew, said Harry Potter. Not even though most kids
Speaker 1: only read books in school to hide their erections, some
Speaker 1: parents and politicians have suddenly gotten very concerned about which
Speaker 1: books are available in schools, and they're dealing with this
Speaker 1: problem that they invented, by the way, in a time
Speaker 1: honored way, with a good old fashioned book band. According
Speaker 1: to The New York Times, the pace at which groups
Speaker 1: of parents and officials and lawmakers are challenging books in
Speaker 1: school libraries has reached to speed that many haven't seen
Speaker 1: in decades. Just since the start of the school year,
Speaker 1: the American Library Association has tracked more than two hundred
Speaker 1: and thirty book challenges nationwide, parents in school officials banning
Speaker 1: books at an unprecedented rate. Record requests nearly a hundred
Speaker 1: Texas districts found that during the first four months of
Speaker 1: this school year, parents made at least seventy five formal complaints,
Speaker 1: compared to only one file during the same period last year.
Speaker 1: Virginia School District is filling library books off of the shelves,
Speaker 1: and some board members say they want to burn them.
Speaker 1: I want to look at every book that you guys
Speaker 1: have a copy of, every book that is brought pull
Speaker 1: out of circulation. I'm sure we've got hundreds of people
Speaker 1: out there that would like to see those books before
Speaker 1: we burn them. They want to burn books, burned books.
Speaker 1: We're not in the nineteen hundreds. We're living in two
Speaker 1: We shouldn't be burning books. We have fir friars and
Speaker 1: microwaves and all kind of cool ship. Now we could
Speaker 1: be like filling the books, you know, we could be
Speaker 1: lightly roasting the books. Put some butter and some salt.
Speaker 1: Oh you taste that book, nowtain that's food for thought.
Speaker 1: See what I did there. But yeah, the situation right now,
Speaker 1: parents across the country are trying to get books banned
Speaker 1: from certain schools, right And I'll be honest, if I
Speaker 1: was a kid in school right now, I would jump
Speaker 1: in and use this outrage to my advantage. Yeah. The
Speaker 1: parents would will be there, like, we have to get
Speaker 1: these books off the shelves. Yeah, and don't forget the
Speaker 1: trigonometry textbooks and the year book where I had that
Speaker 1: weird rash on my face them all. Now, I'll be honest, people,
Speaker 1: I don't know if these culture warriors have thought this through,
Speaker 1: because making something forbidden just makes teenagers wanted more. Think
Speaker 1: about it any time. Any time parents would say something
Speaker 1: would make them mad, what would happen? The kids would
Speaker 1: want to do it even more. Yeah, now they're gonna
Speaker 1: be like, no books for these kids. You keep this up,
Speaker 1: and soon reading books is going to be the new
Speaker 1: dating a black guy. And look, they have always been,
Speaker 1: don't get me wrong. They've always been some parents who've
Speaker 1: wanted books pulled from schools and libraries. That's always been
Speaker 1: a thing, you know, Like conservatives wanted to ban Harry
Speaker 1: Potter for promoting witchcraft, Liberals want to ban Huckleberry Finn
Speaker 1: for using the N word. Mockingbirds want to burn that
Speaker 1: book about killing them. But recently. Recently, the number of
Speaker 1: books being targeted has gotten out of control, and the
Speaker 1: types of books that are being targeted now very revealing.
Speaker 1: Books on race, gender and sexuality are disappearing from school shelves,
Speaker 1: books about coming of age and reckoning with real world
Speaker 1: problems like depression, gender politics, and racial injustice, history like
Speaker 1: the Holocaust or slavery. One Tennessee district banning Mouse, a
Speaker 1: Pulitzer Prize winning graphic novel about the Holocaust. One tells
Speaker 1: the story of school segregation to the eyes of Mexican
Speaker 1: American students, one is about the March on Washington, and
Speaker 1: two are about civil rights icon Ruby Bridges. One parent
Speaker 1: even asked the district to remove a biography of Michelle Obama,
Speaker 1: arguing the book promotes reverse racism. The district denied the request.
Speaker 1: I can't believe these people want to ban a Michelle
Speaker 1: Obama biography. It's a biography that totally gives away the
Speaker 1: game that this is more about ginning up a culture
Speaker 1: war than protecting kids. Because once you're banning a book
Speaker 1: about any first lady, that's political. I don't care what
Speaker 1: anybody says. There's no book about a first lady that's controversial,
Speaker 1: you know, and that's maybe it's like Martha Jefferson's book
Speaker 1: One Tips for Owning slave Children who kind of look
Speaker 1: like my husband. Yeah, that's a little edgy for the kids,
Speaker 1: but otherwise pretty true. And you can see how crazy
Speaker 1: this book banning trend has gotten. Right, They're banning books
Speaker 1: about race, about gender, about sexuality, about emotions, about history. Guys,
Speaker 1: that's all books. Think about it. You take away all
Speaker 1: of those books, and what are you gonna be left with? Huh,
Speaker 1: how to book about making pottery wrong? That bars is
Speaker 1: too sexy? Also complieve that they're gonna ban Ready Bridges.
Speaker 1: You understand how crazy that is. You're gonna ban a
Speaker 1: book about Ruby Bridges. So that poor girl needed the
Speaker 1: National Guard together into school. Now they're gonna have the
Speaker 1: National god Esses. Courts are out. And I'm not saying
Speaker 1: that schools shouldn't be allowed to curate what books they carry.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that. I don't know. People gonna say
Speaker 1: you're saying that the schools shouldn't get to decide for them. No,
Speaker 1: I'm not saying. I'm exactly not saying that, but you
Speaker 1: are saying I'm not saying that libraries have always decided
Speaker 1: which books are in and which books are not in,
Speaker 1: Like you can't have a Playboy in the school library.
Speaker 1: I mean I did it, but I brought it in myself.
Speaker 1: They didn't stock it for me. They just give me
Speaker 1: the space to read it. But I guarantee you the
Speaker 1: vast majority of schools don't even have the most outrageous
Speaker 1: books that are on these lists. What's happening here. What's
Speaker 1: happening here is that people are finding the most scary
Speaker 1: parts of the most scary books, and then they're making
Speaker 1: a bad faith argument that kids are being bombarded with
Speaker 1: all of this stuff, so all the books have to go.
Speaker 1: And that happens even if you try and talk about books,
Speaker 1: like if I say books shouldn't be banned, I know
Speaker 1: someone's gonna pull out the most extreme example from some
Speaker 1: random library at of school and be like, oh, really, Trevor,
Speaker 1: you're okay with kids reading this? And I don't know,
Speaker 1: maybe I'm not. But now we're arguing about one page
Speaker 1: in one book as if that's the story, when the
Speaker 1: actual story is people are using these books as an
Speaker 1: excuse to go after all the books that they don't like,
Speaker 1: because again, people This isn't about books, all right, This
Speaker 1: is about keeping the culture war going for political benefits.
Speaker 1: You don't just have Republicans in dozens of states around
Speaker 1: the country suddenly realizing all at the same time that
Speaker 1: there are books that they want to ban in their
Speaker 1: libraries all at the same time. Come on, it's happening
Speaker 1: because they think it's a winning issue, or at least
Speaker 1: they think it's more of a winning issue than Trump
Speaker 1: is secretly still the president. But I am shut up.
Speaker 1: You canna make us lose. And the problem with waging
Speaker 1: a culture war instead of debating a political issue is
Speaker 1: that when people are fighting a war, they don't want
Speaker 1: to just win an argument. No, they want to punish
Speaker 1: the enemy. In Wyoming, Accounty Prosecutor's office considered charges against
Speaker 1: library employees for stalking books like sex is a Funny
Speaker 1: word and this book is gay. In Oklahoma, a bill
Speaker 1: sais a ten thousand doll the bounty to be collected
Speaker 1: by parents for each day a challenged book remains on
Speaker 1: library shells. Texas Governor Greg Abbott called for criminal charges
Speaker 1: against staff who provide kids with pornographic books. School librarians,
Speaker 1: fearing for their own safety now over books. Many of
Speaker 1: us have had to take measures in our personal lives
Speaker 1: that we never would have imagine we had to do
Speaker 1: because of our profession. Wow, people, are you are you
Speaker 1: seeing this? You've seen this like this is the interview
Speaker 1: and inside it gives when they're ratting out El Chapel,
Speaker 1: not when they've exposed the magical friendship between a pig
Speaker 1: and a spider. We think. Just think about how insane
Speaker 1: things have gotten where school librarians feel scared for their safety.
Speaker 1: They've got these crazy parents coming off to them on
Speaker 1: top of all the other stuff that they have to
Speaker 1: worry about on a daily basis. School shootings, COVID, their
Speaker 1: students finding out that they just made up the Dewey
Speaker 1: decimal system to sounds smarter than everyone else. This book
Speaker 1: is by Dr shoos Is that under ash No actually
Speaker 1: that books in seven nine one dot for five slash
Speaker 1: seven five, You idiot, And look man, it's one thing
Speaker 1: for parents to be upset about a book that their
Speaker 1: kid is reading at school. Once you offer a ten
Speaker 1: thousand dollar bounty, think about what you're doing there. Now
Speaker 1: you're using money to just try and stop ships. I mean,
Speaker 1: of course people are gonna start combing the shelves for
Speaker 1: anything that might pay out. Ten grand is a lot
Speaker 1: of money. Ten grand for banning a book is more
Speaker 1: than most officers made for writing that book. So that's
Speaker 1: the latest culture world that's tearing America apart. It's happening
Speaker 1: in schools, and who knows if it'll even stop there,
Speaker 1: Because maybe it'll start in schools, but pretty soon any
Speaker 1: place the kids go to to find books could become
Speaker 1: a target. Hey, y'all, of our Burton here, and I
Speaker 1: am so excited to read with you today. Our first
Speaker 1: selection is called Rosa and it's the story of Rosa
Speaker 1: Parks who. So, as it turns out, that book is
Speaker 1: banned because reading about segregation is divisive. But since almost
Speaker 1: any book with black people these days is considered divisive,
Speaker 1: here's one that doesn't have any people in it at all.
Speaker 1: It's about two penguins and their little baby. Both penguins
Speaker 1: are boys. Well, I'm told that that book is also
Speaker 1: banned because of sexual perversion, which is weird because there's
Speaker 1: no sex in the book at all. Y'all, they adopted
Speaker 1: the baby. What do you guys want? Mommy and a daddy?
Speaker 1: Penguins of the kids can make sure that the penguins
Speaker 1: are knocking boots. All right, I've got one that they
Speaker 1: can't possibly how a problem with hop on pop? What
Speaker 1: disrespectful to parents? You've gotta be kidding me. All right, there,
Speaker 1: there are plenty of books to choose from, but you
Speaker 1: know what, no read the books they don't want you to.
Speaker 1: That's where the good stuff is. Oh they're coming read
Speaker 1: banned books. Oh, stay safe, LaVar. The British Royal family
Speaker 1: the only people who think chess is a representative game. Look,
Speaker 1: there's me, and there's you, and there's the people who
Speaker 1: pay us. Yesterday marked Queen Elizabeth's seventy year on the throne,
Speaker 1: making her the longest serving monarch in British history, which
Speaker 1: must be nice for all of those people who've been
Speaker 1: shouting long live the Queen. Yeah, because now they can
Speaker 1: be like, yeah, you see, we did that now. As
Speaker 1: part of the anniversary observance, the family has announced that
Speaker 1: if and when Queen Elizabeth dies and son Charles becomes king,
Speaker 1: his wife Camilla will be crowned alongside him as queen.
Speaker 1: And I don't know if you remember, but when Camilla
Speaker 1: first started dating Charles, people said that she could never
Speaker 1: be queen because their relationship started as an affair. So
Speaker 1: this is huge. This is a huge, huge deal, And
Speaker 1: I also think it's the right move because can you
Speaker 1: imagine how awkward was going to be otherwise if every
Speaker 1: time Charles and Camilla walked in the room and the
Speaker 1: royal announcer would be like presenting the King of England
Speaker 1: and presenting his side piece. But while I'm sure the
Speaker 1: Royals would love to be focusing on the future of
Speaker 1: the family, unfortunately they've been forced to deal with a
Speaker 1: scandal from their past. You see, for decades, Elizabeth's second son,
Speaker 1: Prince Andrew, he was rolling deep with Jeffrey Epstein, and
Speaker 1: after years of fighting allegations that he had done anything wrong,
Speaker 1: it looks like he's finally throwing in the towel. Tonight's
Speaker 1: Prince Andrew dramatically averting a court battle, not admitting liability
Speaker 1: but not clearing his name. Virginia Duffrey claimed she was
Speaker 1: sexually assaulted by the Prince when she was seventeen years old,
Speaker 1: trafficked by Epstein. The sixty one your Prince will pay
Speaker 1: his accuser Virginia Duffrey are reported ten million dollars and
Speaker 1: make a substantial donation to her charity in support of
Speaker 1: victims rights. Of course, questions saying, is it Prince Andrew's money.
Speaker 1: We know that he's sold his Swiss Sky chalet reputedly
Speaker 1: for about eighteen million, but many people saying the Queen
Speaker 1: is helping to foot the bell. Yeah, that's right. After
Speaker 1: years of fighting, Prince Andrew has finally settled with Virginia Duffrey.
Speaker 1: And although it's not perfect justice, I mean it is something,
Speaker 1: you know, to be honest, I almost feel like this
Speaker 1: guy got off easy because yeah, it is ten million dollars,
Speaker 1: but you're from the royal family. Think about it. Ten
Speaker 1: million dollars is like one jewel from one of their crowns.
Speaker 1: And this has gonna suck for the queen. Like, imagine
Speaker 1: having to use the money that you earned to I
Speaker 1: guess you didn't like earn it, but I mean we
Speaker 1: imagine like working hard your whole life. I mean, she
Speaker 1: doesn't really work. You get what I'm saying. You get
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. The point is the Queen didn't get
Speaker 1: into the royal business to do stuff like this, right,
Speaker 1: she got into it to steal spices from India. It's
Speaker 1: about that life. And I can tell you now this
Speaker 1: is probably where she misses the days when she could
Speaker 1: just chop off people's heads, you know, because back in
Speaker 1: the day, with this thing happening with Andrew, the Queen
Speaker 1: would have just been like, Andrew, I dropped to my
Speaker 1: contact lens, would you burn down and pick it up? Why?
Speaker 1: Mommy ten millions saved. Oh and by the way, the
Speaker 1: next time your mom complains about you asking her for
Speaker 1: rent money, you just show the story and reminder it
Speaker 1: could be way worse. But let's move on. If you're
Speaker 1: tired of the same old, same old dating app scene
Speaker 1: where you swipe rights on the cute guy he swindles
Speaker 1: you out of thousands of dollars blah blah blah blah
Speaker 1: blah blah, then good news, Tinder is now offering a
Speaker 1: blind date feature on the app. Yeah, because usually when
Speaker 1: you're scrolling through people, you first see their picture right
Speaker 1: and then you decide right away whether you're too good
Speaker 1: looking for them or they're too good looking for you.
Speaker 1: But now Tender is just gonna ask you questions and
Speaker 1: then what they're gonna do is they're gonna match you
Speaker 1: with someone based on your responses and then you have
Speaker 1: a chat with them, and then if you both like
Speaker 1: each other, tender will show you their pictures, which is
Speaker 1: great because if they stopped talking to you at that point,
Speaker 1: then you know immediately that you ugly. And you know,
Speaker 1: it's so funny how tech companies came out like they're
Speaker 1: the future. They're gonna show us new things, but then
Speaker 1: as time goes on, they seem to invent stuff that
Speaker 1: already exists, like blind dates. It's the future of dating. No.
Speaker 1: People in the Middle Ages were like, all our dates
Speaker 1: are blind and I'm sorry, but you can't really recreate
Speaker 1: blind dates unless you also recreate the part where your
Speaker 1: mutual friend try to talk the other person up whilst
Speaker 1: also avoiding their faults. That's a key part of blind dates. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he's like super good at cooking and he loves to
Speaker 1: read interesting So does he have a job, As I said,
Speaker 1: he loves to read. Ah. I also have to mention
Speaker 1: that this blind dating scheme that tinders running this is
Speaker 1: discriminatory towards hot, dumb, boring people. You realize you're taking
Speaker 1: away their greatest assets. People with good personalities, they're gonna
Speaker 1: do fine in this situation. They can meet people in person,
Speaker 1: they can charm them all. Some people have as a
Speaker 1: six pack. They don't even know that they have a
Speaker 1: six pack because they can't count that high rapper. Let's
Speaker 1: move on to a story coming from my home country,
Speaker 1: South Africa. Yeah, it's not the most creatively named country,
Speaker 1: but you always know where to find us. It's been
Speaker 1: almost ten years since the passing of South Africa's first
Speaker 1: democratically elected president, Nelson Mandela. And for those of you
Speaker 1: who don't know, Nelson Mandela was basically the Martin Luther
Speaker 1: King of our Harriet Tubman's and everywhere you go in
Speaker 1: South Africa there are reminders of how great he is,
Speaker 1: like there are statues, there are bridges named after him,
Speaker 1: the whole neighborhoods that bear his name. But now there's
Speaker 1: a new fancier way for people who want to celebrate
Speaker 1: his legacy. The former home of Nelson Mandela is now
Speaker 1: a luxury hotel. It's called Sanctuary Mandela and it was
Speaker 1: Mandela's first home in Johannesburg after being released from twenty
Speaker 1: seven years in prison. South Africa's first black president lived
Speaker 1: there for six years. It now can host eighteen guests
Speaker 1: and eighteen guests rather, and it's adorned with Mandela memorabilia.
Speaker 1: Even Madiba's former cook is on staff. They're helping to
Speaker 1: prepare meals. Rooms range from two hundred and fifty dollars
Speaker 1: to as much as one thousand dollars a night. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's right, Nelson, Mandela's old house has been turned into
Speaker 1: a luxury hotel. And I mean, I guess this is
Speaker 1: just the fate of every historic building now, right, because
Speaker 1: if you think about half of the old buildings around
Speaker 1: the world are now either a bank, an apple store,
Speaker 1: or a CVS. That's it. I wouldn't be shocked up.
Speaker 1: In like a hundred years, the White House is going
Speaker 1: to be turned into Jeff bezos is Dog's weekend place. Now,
Speaker 1: some people think that it doesn't make sense for the
Speaker 1: home of the man who fought inequality to be turned
Speaker 1: into a luxury hotel, but it does. It actually does,
Speaker 1: and it really does. If you remember one of Mandela's
Speaker 1: most famous quotes when he said, or not judge me
Speaker 1: by cola off my skin, Parrada, judge me by the
Speaker 1: threat count of this Jumpian cotton ships falling out of control.
Speaker 1: It was a powerful speech. We cried that day we
Speaker 1: cried that day. Also, you know, when you staying at
Speaker 1: the Nelson Mandela Hotel, good luck fighting the minibar charges
Speaker 1: that you think are unfair. He's gonna be at the
Speaker 1: front desk like, Hi, excuse me, I think I was
Speaker 1: unfairly charged for a bag of pistachios. Madam. Let me
Speaker 1: tell you about unfair charges. So, yeah, look, this is
Speaker 1: gonna come with this pros and its cons. People are
Speaker 1: gonna be for it's and against it, and I guess
Speaker 1: it will be good for the people who work there
Speaker 1: and maybe some of the community. But you've gotta admit, man.
Speaker 1: At the same time, it does feel a little disrespectful
Speaker 1: for everything that Nelson Mandela went through. You know, he's
Speaker 1: gonna pay some money and you can sleep in his house.
Speaker 1: You know what he had to do to get to
Speaker 1: that house. You know what they should do. They should
Speaker 1: they should say for every night that you stay in
Speaker 1: the hotel, you should also have to spend the night
Speaker 1: in an apartheid prison. Yeah. Now you're getting the full experience.
Speaker 1: The Daily Show with Trevor Noah Ears edition. Subscribe to
Speaker 1: The Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and stream
Speaker 1: full episodes anytime on Paramount. Plus this has been a
Speaker 1: Comedy Central podcast.