WEBVTT - #68 Songe 0:00:15.450 --> 0:00:24.790 Hi. How are you, Stevie? 0:00:25.370 --> 0:00:26.390 Hi, Grandma. 0:00:26.650 --> 0:00:27.650 What have you been doing? 0:00:28.290 --> 0:00:31.569 I'm going to be hosting the second episode of this season. 0:00:31.590 --> 0:00:33.870 Oh, so let me know and I'll put it on. 0:00:34.590 --> 0:00:36.700 Have you ever had anything that you... I mean, you 0:00:36.710 --> 0:00:39.180 know the point of the show. Have you ever had 0:00:39.260 --> 0:00:41.159 anything that you want to apologize for? 0:00:41.180 --> 0:00:42.719 Oh, yeah. 0:00:43.989 --> 0:00:47.989 There are probably many things. I'm sure I've been thoughtless 0:00:48.030 --> 0:00:51.110 in many ways. You know what I say to my 0:00:51.450 --> 0:00:52.029 daughters today? 0:00:52.069 --> 0:00:54.370 I'm a b * * * *. 0:00:55.360 --> 0:00:56.140 Grandma. 0:00:56.420 --> 0:00:57.980 I don't know if I did a lot of things 0:00:58.000 --> 0:01:03.380 on purpose. Right, right, right. But then again.... 0:01:11.760 --> 0:01:16.420 From Pushkin Industries, I'm Stevie Lane, and this is Heavyweight. 0:01:17.320 --> 0:01:26.570 Today's episode, Song. Right after the break. 0:01:35.850 --> 0:01:38.570 Hey, Song. Hi. How are you doing? 0:01:39.630 --> 0:01:41.550 This is Song. All right. 0:01:48.000 --> 0:01:49.980 There's going to be a lot of peripheral noises coming 0:01:50.020 --> 0:01:53.090 from me. But I guess that's part of the story, too. 0:01:54.390 --> 0:01:58.730 Actions have consequences. The world is ruled by cause and effect. 0:01:59.470 --> 0:02:02.050 So when Song tells the story of how he became 0:02:02.110 --> 0:02:05.010 the person you're hearing today, it's hard for him not 0:02:05.030 --> 0:02:08.960 to see it in karmic terms. His fate feels predetermined 0:02:09.040 --> 0:02:12.680 by something that happened one day in 1983 when he 0:02:12.720 --> 0:02:16.220 was eight years old. Song was living in Atlanta with 0:02:16.260 --> 0:02:16.639 his dad. 0:02:17.600 --> 0:02:21.100 And my father decided that he would send me to 0:02:21.160 --> 0:02:24.080 a Muslim school. And I just went for a year. 0:02:24.940 --> 0:02:29.060 Song's dad was Rastafarian and his mom Catholic. But for 0:02:29.080 --> 0:02:32.280 this one year, he attended a strict Muslim school. 0:02:37.390 --> 0:02:42.810 So, yeah, that day, the day in question, we had 0:02:43.590 --> 0:02:49.700 mosque and prayer. One of the teachers told us that 0:02:50.040 --> 0:02:56.400 there were three girls that had written a song praising Allah, 0:02:57.060 --> 0:03:02.120 praising God, and they wanted to perform it for the school. 0:03:02.940 --> 0:03:05.360 The teacher brought the three girls up, and in front 0:03:05.400 --> 0:03:06.880 of everyone, they sang. 0:03:06.900 --> 0:03:10.520 And it was a really cute song. I couldn't sing it. 0:03:13.080 --> 0:03:14.600 Could you try to sing it? 0:03:15.460 --> 0:03:21.530 Oh no, don't do that to me. The only part 0:03:21.590 --> 0:03:24.489 I remember is at the end, it went, a la 0:03:24.570 --> 0:03:27.970 whack bar, a la whack bar, repeated three times. 0:03:33.020 --> 0:03:35.420 Song and two of his friends were sitting up front, 0:03:35.740 --> 0:03:36.620 close to the girls. 0:03:37.440 --> 0:03:41.500 One of my friends noticed that one of the girls 0:03:41.580 --> 0:03:46.160 had a nervous tick, which was eye blinking, and pointed 0:03:46.200 --> 0:03:49.940 it out, and the three of us started to laugh 0:03:51.380 --> 0:03:51.800 about it. 0:03:52.850 --> 0:03:56.510 Laugh and imitate the girl's tick. A teacher caught them 0:03:56.550 --> 0:03:59.690 doing it, and after the girls were done singing, asked 0:03:59.790 --> 0:04:03.710 Song and his friends to stand up. Then, to publicly 0:04:03.800 --> 0:04:05.560 shame them for having mocked the. 0:04:05.520 --> 0:04:09.840 Girl, he made us sing the song you know, in 0:04:09.880 --> 0:04:13.300 front of the whole school and imitate her while we 0:04:13.320 --> 0:04:18.480 were singing it. Oh, my God. So, yeah, we sang 0:04:18.520 --> 0:04:23.650 the song, and we imitated her tick, and everybody laughed, 0:04:24.610 --> 0:04:29.929 and everybody laughed. 0:04:31.750 --> 0:04:33.370 I have to say, like, it strikes me as, like, 0:04:33.409 --> 0:04:36.830 a really strange punishment because it feels like it would 0:04:36.849 --> 0:04:39.109 just be doubly horrifying for her. 0:04:40.279 --> 0:04:48.640 Right. I remember looking at her and she was crying. 0:04:50.159 --> 0:04:52.110 And she was crying while we were singing it. I 0:04:52.150 --> 0:04:54.040 remember she was crying afterwards. 0:04:56.150 --> 0:04:57.330 What was going through your head? 0:04:58.349 --> 0:05:04.610 I was ashamed. I was ashamed of having laughed at her. And, 0:05:05.010 --> 0:05:08.270 of course, I felt terrible for her. I mean, that 0:05:08.330 --> 0:05:11.770 also adds to the shame. is having to watch somebody 0:05:11.869 --> 0:05:16.669 else in pain because of something that I had done. 0:05:20.810 --> 0:05:23.530 Afterwards, Song and his friends were brought to a back 0:05:23.589 --> 0:05:25.889 room where they were beaten with a large paddle. 0:05:26.760 --> 0:05:29.219 That they called the Board of Education. It had that 0:05:29.239 --> 0:05:30.979 written on the board. Wait, really? 0:05:31.000 --> 0:05:31.960 Yeah. 0:05:32.219 --> 0:05:34.819 It had holes drilled into it so that there would 0:05:34.839 --> 0:05:37.859 be less wind reduction. Oh, my God. 0:05:39.229 --> 0:05:42.289 Song's memory of the incident, though, ends there. 0:05:42.310 --> 0:05:47.409 I don't remember any more interaction with her. I wish, 0:05:47.529 --> 0:05:53.200 you know, like I don't remember her name. I just 0:05:53.239 --> 0:05:54.560 remember the situation. 0:05:54.580 --> 0:05:54.859 Yeah. 0:05:54.960 --> 0:05:57.799 And it's hard to say whether or not it would 0:05:57.839 --> 0:06:04.089 have stayed with me had not my own condition progressed 0:06:04.190 --> 0:06:19.500 in the way that it did. Okay, so... You can 0:06:19.539 --> 0:06:23.279 probably hear it a little bit, but I have Tourette's Syndrome. 0:06:27.260 --> 0:06:34.560 And it varies in severity, but I'm considered to be 0:06:34.599 --> 0:06:35.700 a pretty severe case. 0:06:37.039 --> 0:06:40.129 Song says it was right around that same time the 0:06:40.190 --> 0:06:43.789 summer after that school year in 1983, that he first 0:06:43.839 --> 0:06:47.960 started displaying signs of the disorder, signs that were eerily 0:06:48.020 --> 0:06:49.479 similar to the singing girl. 0:06:50.219 --> 0:06:54.359 The tics that I had in the beginning were mostly facial, 0:06:54.960 --> 0:06:56.759 you know, and that was like the same ones that 0:06:56.900 --> 0:06:58.440 we were laughing at that girl for. It was like 0:06:58.560 --> 0:07:03.870 eye blinking and stuff with my eyes, you know, make faces, smiling, 0:07:03.929 --> 0:07:12.540 or opening my mouth wide. Yeah. And other people around 0:07:12.640 --> 0:07:17.000 me were commenting, like, why do you keep doing that? And, oh, wow, 0:07:17.460 --> 0:07:21.850 you're doing this thing. Hey, you're doing this thing. And, 0:07:22.190 --> 0:07:23.749 you know, I would try to hide it and stuff. 0:07:24.730 --> 0:07:26.269 What does that feel like in your body? 0:07:26.290 --> 0:07:34.700 I can suppress it. It's very difficult. Anytime I'm suppressing it, 0:07:34.710 --> 0:07:39.060 I have to pay for it, you know. Like, it 0:07:39.100 --> 0:07:43.550 comes out worse afterwards. You know, it's like if you're 0:07:43.570 --> 0:07:48.390 in a staring contest with somebody and you're trying not 0:07:48.429 --> 0:07:50.850 to blink, you can feel when your eyes want to blink. 0:07:52.090 --> 0:07:55.270 But if you're not thinking about that, you're just going 0:07:55.290 --> 0:07:58.129 to blink. It just happens so quickly that you can't 0:07:58.150 --> 0:08:00.690 really stop it. Right, yeah. By the time you're aware 0:08:00.710 --> 0:08:02.900 that it's coming, it's already happening. 0:08:03.960 --> 0:08:07.320 But back then, when Song was 8, 9, 10 years old, 0:08:07.900 --> 0:08:09.720 it was all just new and confusing. 0:08:10.380 --> 0:08:11.699 Were you, like, scared? 0:08:11.780 --> 0:08:12.100 I don't know. 0:08:12.140 --> 0:08:12.520 It's funny. 0:08:12.560 --> 0:08:18.499 I remember, like, because— and I'm not equating these things, but, like, 0:08:18.540 --> 0:08:23.890 growing up, I had a lot of, like, OCD compulsive behavior. 0:08:23.910 --> 0:08:28.030 And I remember this one time doing this thing with 0:08:28.090 --> 0:08:30.569 my hands and my friend saying, like. 0:08:31.650 --> 0:08:32.390 What are you doing? 0:08:32.410 --> 0:08:37.350 And I was, like, embarrassed, but I had to do it. 0:08:37.370 --> 0:08:40.320 And I just was, like— First, I was like, what? 0:08:40.440 --> 0:08:42.450 You know, like, like, like, well, I was trying to 0:08:42.480 --> 0:08:45.050 deny the thing that, like, was happening right there. And 0:08:45.090 --> 0:08:47.350 then I was just like, I don't know. And I, like, 0:08:47.410 --> 0:08:48.270 really didn't know. 0:08:48.870 --> 0:08:52.650 Oh, wow. That's, yeah, that's, that's so similar, what you're describing, that, 0:08:53.250 --> 0:08:58.790 that compulsion. And you're not, you're not wrong in equating everybody. 0:08:59.710 --> 0:09:04.710 OCD and Tourette's are comorbid. But yeah, that's what it's like. Yeah, 0:09:04.750 --> 0:09:06.920 people would be like, why are you doing that? I'd 0:09:06.940 --> 0:09:08.200 be like, I don't know, you know. 0:09:09.980 --> 0:09:12.880 Song didn't know, and for a long time, his parents 0:09:12.920 --> 0:09:15.560 didn't know either. They thought he was just acting out. 0:09:16.420 --> 0:09:19.980 Song remembers conversations between his dad and grandmother and aunt 0:09:20.020 --> 0:09:22.740 around the kitchen table, them all talking about him and 0:09:22.780 --> 0:09:24.920 his tics as though he weren't sitting right there. 0:09:25.540 --> 0:09:30.790 My mother was a little more proactive, to put it 0:09:31.620 --> 0:09:32.790 in a positive light. 0:09:33.030 --> 0:09:34.270 Wait, wait, what do you mean? 0:09:35.290 --> 0:09:39.350 Well, she, you know, she thought that she could punish 0:09:39.410 --> 0:09:41.270 it out of me you know so like her and 0:09:41.330 --> 0:09:44.330 like my stepdad used to be like this is how 0:09:44.370 --> 0:09:50.160 much money I'm gonna spend for Christmas and every time 0:09:50.200 --> 0:09:53.380 you make one of those noises I'm gonna take five 0:09:53.440 --> 0:09:59.260 dollars off yeah yeah I remember like her recording me 0:09:59.340 --> 0:10:02.180 and playing it back and being like this is what 0:10:02.220 --> 0:10:04.780 you sound like and stuff like maybe she could embarrass 0:10:04.820 --> 0:10:06.600 it out of me I don't know it was always 0:10:06.640 --> 0:10:10.590 like the idea that I was, doing it on purpose. 0:10:12.250 --> 0:10:15.870 It wasn't until Song was 14 that he was officially diagnosed, 0:10:16.390 --> 0:10:17.730 but that didn't offer much help. 0:10:18.290 --> 0:10:24.100 They didn't know anything back then. So I've been prescribed 0:10:24.180 --> 0:10:27.990 a lot, a lot of medications. I would say that 0:10:28.090 --> 0:10:30.950 through most of my adolescence, I was pretty zonked out 0:10:31.030 --> 0:10:32.050 on antipsychotics. 0:10:33.270 --> 0:10:37.189 Most kids with Tourette's syndrome largely outgrow their tics by adulthood, 0:10:37.790 --> 0:10:38.840 but Song never did. 0:10:39.540 --> 0:10:44.300 There's a lot of things. Eye blinking, abdominal clenching, jumping. 0:10:44.320 --> 0:10:48.480 I poke myself in the eye sometimes. I grind my 0:10:48.540 --> 0:10:50.500 teeth to the point that some of them have been 0:10:50.720 --> 0:10:53.880 broken out of my mouth. Oh, my God. Yeah, I 0:10:53.960 --> 0:10:58.069 gave myself two hernias. From the age of 17 to 22, 0:10:58.050 --> 0:11:01.990 a lot of vocalizations, noises. I was biting my tongue 0:11:02.030 --> 0:11:04.210 for a while. I have a huge scar on my 0:11:04.230 --> 0:11:10.130 tongue from chewing on it. At some point in everybody's life, 0:11:10.850 --> 0:11:14.870 their body will rebel against them. And it's just sort 0:11:14.890 --> 0:11:19.300 of part of the process of living, right? You never 0:11:19.340 --> 0:11:21.420 know how it's going to go, but it's going to happen. 0:11:23.100 --> 0:11:26.050 If you're lucky, that's like in very old age. But 0:11:26.250 --> 0:11:29.070 to be aware of the weight of that, you know, 0:11:29.090 --> 0:11:31.570 in your youth, and to have to carry that around 0:11:31.610 --> 0:11:34.550 with you your whole life, it's just a nightmare. 0:11:36.050 --> 0:11:38.800 As Song got older, as it became clear that his 0:11:38.840 --> 0:11:42.860 tics were here to stay, he started asking himself, why? 0:11:43.500 --> 0:11:47.960 Why me? I had this sort of nagging suspicion that 0:11:49.320 --> 0:11:53.579 me having Tourette's was connected to me making fun of 0:11:53.640 --> 0:12:05.179 that girl. It was some sort of punishment that I 0:12:05.220 --> 0:12:09.580 was inflicted with because of what I had done to her. 0:12:14.970 --> 0:12:21.690 It's easy to imagine some supernatural connection. There were times 0:12:21.750 --> 0:12:25.230 where I thought, maybe because I did this in a 0:12:25.270 --> 0:12:28.990 house of worship, the deity is punishing me. 0:12:31.680 --> 0:12:34.800 It felt like there must be some karmic connection. It 0:12:34.820 --> 0:12:38.340 was all too uncanny. The timing of his symptoms, the 0:12:38.380 --> 0:12:41.560 similar facial tics he shared with the girl. Had you 0:12:41.620 --> 0:12:43.220 ever experienced bullying? 0:12:44.330 --> 0:12:48.470 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. 0:12:49.250 --> 0:12:52.290 Like, it's constant. It goes on today, to this day. 0:12:52.470 --> 0:12:54.830 It happened on the train on the way here. What? 0:12:55.510 --> 0:12:55.730 Yeah. 0:12:56.750 --> 0:13:00.390 People making fun of me. You know, it's just, it's, yeah, 0:13:00.830 --> 0:13:04.090 it's constant. I mean, it was really bad in high school. 0:13:04.100 --> 0:13:06.890 And that was just your peers just making fun of 0:13:06.910 --> 0:13:11.189 you all the time. Teachers as well. Teachers as well? Yeah, 0:13:11.230 --> 0:13:14.250 like mocking me in class. I dropped out in 11th grade. 0:13:14.610 --> 0:13:18.810 I was pretty depressed. I just couldn't be there anymore. 0:13:21.130 --> 0:13:24.110 Of course, Song is a reasonable person, and the most 0:13:24.170 --> 0:13:27.570 rational part of him understands that his Tourette's wasn't caused 0:13:27.630 --> 0:13:29.110 by his making fun of the girl. 0:13:30.070 --> 0:13:30.490 And yet. 0:13:31.250 --> 0:13:34.360 it still hasn't stopped me from thinking about it. 0:13:35.390 --> 0:13:35.689 Yeah. 0:13:36.310 --> 0:13:38.370 For most of the time, I've really just felt like 0:13:38.430 --> 0:13:44.160 I wanted to apologize. You know, I'm regretful. I know 0:13:44.200 --> 0:13:47.640 how it feels. You know, this is the other thing. 0:13:48.740 --> 0:13:54.410 When you deal with something like that that's socially stigmatizing 0:13:54.500 --> 0:14:00.630 or isolating, any effort that you make to make yourself visible... 0:14:00.870 --> 0:14:03.210 is a victory. Like, I feel like any time I 0:14:03.250 --> 0:14:06.270 leave the house, any time I go out in public 0:14:06.320 --> 0:14:14.400 and socialize, like, I'm proud of myself. And so, you know, 0:14:14.440 --> 0:14:15.680 to do that at that age. 0:14:16.320 --> 0:14:18.300 To stand up in front of a school, you mean? 0:14:18.860 --> 0:14:19.100 Yeah. 0:14:19.540 --> 0:14:19.740 Yeah. 0:14:19.800 --> 0:14:22.390 That she got up there and did that is, you know, 0:14:22.410 --> 0:14:32.660 that's a courageous person. I also want to know that 0:14:32.700 --> 0:14:33.510 she's doing okay. 0:14:34.580 --> 0:14:36.600 Yeah, when you think about her, like, do you imagine 0:14:36.640 --> 0:14:38.820 that she has Tourette's too or no? 0:14:39.620 --> 0:14:41.640 I mean, that's the thing. You know, I'm like, I 0:14:41.720 --> 0:14:44.500 just hope that, I hope that it was just a 0:14:44.540 --> 0:14:47.180 tick and it went away when she was a kid. 0:14:48.360 --> 0:14:53.340 You know, nobody should have to go through this. That's 0:14:53.360 --> 0:14:55.150 why I was saying, I hope that she's doing okay. 0:14:56.150 --> 0:14:56.430 Yeah. 0:14:57.630 --> 0:15:02.350 I don't know. I'm just sorry. You know? I'm just sorry. 0:15:04.070 --> 0:15:07.950 It's been 40 years since the incident. 40 years since 0:15:08.010 --> 0:15:11.090 Song has seen the singing girl. He has no idea 0:15:11.150 --> 0:15:13.550 how to find her. He doesn't even know her name. 0:15:14.340 --> 0:15:16.040 Which is why he reached out to me. 0:15:16.060 --> 0:15:24.260 I mean... I just don't know where I would start. 0:15:25.420 --> 0:15:28.080 Song isn't in touch with anyone from the school anymore. 0:15:28.520 --> 0:15:31.400 He was only there the one year. He can't offer 0:15:31.440 --> 0:15:33.220 much besides the name of the school. 0:15:33.860 --> 0:15:35.280 Sister Clara Muhammad. 0:15:36.100 --> 0:15:38.880 Though Song admits to me, his lack of leads isn't 0:15:38.920 --> 0:15:40.480 the only reason he reached out. 0:15:40.500 --> 0:15:43.370 Because what would I do? Would I just like show 0:15:43.450 --> 0:15:45.670 up at somebody's door if I was able to find 0:15:45.730 --> 0:15:47.310 them and knock on the door and be like, hey, 0:15:47.350 --> 0:15:50.450 remember me from that time? Hey, I've been tracking you. 0:15:51.010 --> 0:15:55.910 I've been looking for you for 40 years. Right. That's 0:15:55.930 --> 0:15:56.940 like super scary. 0:15:58.300 --> 0:16:01.060 And so... I go searching for the singing girl. 0:16:02.320 --> 0:16:02.920 After the break. 0:16:19.870 --> 0:16:22.790 I think about the task ahead of me, finding a 0:16:22.830 --> 0:16:26.610 girl from a random school assembly 40 years ago without 0:16:26.650 --> 0:16:29.460 so much as a first name. or even a school photo. 0:16:30.140 --> 0:16:32.980 It's not a lot to go on. But though Song 0:16:33.020 --> 0:16:35.880 doesn't remember the singing girl, all I need is to 0:16:35.950 --> 0:16:39.630 find one person who does. One person who remembers the 0:16:39.690 --> 0:16:44.490 incident and can say, oh yeah, that was so-and-so. And so, 0:16:45.130 --> 0:16:48.450 I begin with the information I do have. The name 0:16:48.530 --> 0:16:49.090 of the school. 0:16:49.110 --> 0:16:50.050 Good afternoon. 0:16:50.070 --> 0:16:51.850 I'm having a great day at Muhammad School. This is Rashida. 0:16:51.870 --> 0:16:52.260 May I help you? 0:16:52.940 --> 0:16:55.780 I'm hoping the school might have class lists or yearbooks 0:16:56.000 --> 0:16:58.480 where I can find the names of Song's old classmates. 0:16:59.080 --> 0:17:01.100 But I learn they don't keep records that far back. 0:17:01.440 --> 0:17:02.340 I couldn't help you. 0:17:02.670 --> 0:17:05.030 You said 1983. 0:17:05.030 --> 0:17:07.730 As for the teachers who worked back then, most all 0:17:07.750 --> 0:17:10.450 of them have since retired. But I get the names 0:17:10.490 --> 0:17:11.050 of a few. 0:17:11.070 --> 0:17:13.290 And I give them each a call. 0:17:17.100 --> 0:17:19.279 To see if they have any memory of Song. 0:17:19.580 --> 0:17:22.389 I don't remember teaching anyone with the last name Little. 0:17:22.609 --> 0:17:23.989 He was in fourth grade? 0:17:25.350 --> 0:17:28.230 None of them do. And it turns out Song's fourth 0:17:28.250 --> 0:17:30.249 grade teacher died some years back. 0:17:30.530 --> 0:17:32.709 Why is he trying to find this girl? 0:17:32.770 --> 0:17:38.500 Can I actually tell you this story? One teacher does 0:17:38.540 --> 0:17:41.459 give me something useful. The name of one of Song's 0:17:41.520 --> 0:17:46.019 old classmates. A woman who, she says, has an amazing memory. 0:17:46.840 --> 0:17:47.780 Her name is Crystal. 0:17:48.159 --> 0:17:50.700 She would have noticed and she probably would have remembered. 0:17:51.040 --> 0:17:53.199 So she may be the best person to go to. 0:17:53.220 --> 0:17:59.999 Hello? What with all the scam callers these days, I 0:18:00.020 --> 0:18:04.879 try to sound relaxed and casual. Hi, I'm calling for Crystal. 0:18:05.100 --> 0:18:06.320 Is Crystal available? 0:18:06.459 --> 0:18:11.440 Do you know Crystal? Nailed it. Do you know Crystal? 0:18:11.459 --> 0:18:16.300 Uh, she's my mom. Oh, okay. This is not a 0:18:16.369 --> 0:18:17.310 spam call, right? 0:18:17.629 --> 0:18:18.530 No, no, no, no. 0:18:18.609 --> 0:18:21.369 Sorry, I'm a journalist. I'm a radio producer, and I'm 0:18:21.449 --> 0:18:22.550 working with an old. 0:18:24.429 --> 0:18:25.930 It's not spam, I promise. 0:18:27.609 --> 0:18:28.689 Okay, sounds good. 0:18:35.100 --> 0:18:38.379 He was different insofar as he was not Muslim when 0:18:38.459 --> 0:18:40.580 he joined our school. 0:18:41.240 --> 0:18:45.539 As promised, Crystal's memory is sharp. She remembers Song immediately. 0:18:45.560 --> 0:18:49.080 I think he might have been maybe the first non-Muslim 0:18:49.780 --> 0:18:53.479 student that I knew. And if I remember correctly, he 0:18:53.520 --> 0:18:55.649 was like light skin with curly hair. 0:18:55.970 --> 0:18:59.409 Crystal doesn't recall the incident at mosque, though. But she 0:18:59.429 --> 0:19:01.909 does provide me with the names of other students at 0:19:01.929 --> 0:19:02.429 the school. 0:19:02.449 --> 0:19:06.469 Fatima, Jamila, who else was with them? Rukia. 0:19:06.669 --> 0:19:09.320 And those students provide the names of more students. 0:19:09.500 --> 0:19:10.119 Nassim. 0:19:10.340 --> 0:19:11.119 Sakina. 0:19:11.220 --> 0:19:11.460 Malik. 0:19:14.740 --> 0:19:16.540 And those students have theories. 0:19:16.600 --> 0:19:20.440 But none of them bear out. I don't know who. 0:19:20.379 --> 0:19:21.240 He's talking about. 0:19:21.280 --> 0:19:22.820 Yeah, no, my sister didn't have a dick. 0:19:46.409 --> 0:19:48.649 After a few months, I start running out of people 0:19:48.689 --> 0:19:52.250 to call. As I'm told over and over, Clara Mohammed 0:19:52.290 --> 0:19:55.559 was a tiny school, only about 10 kids per grade, 0:19:55.899 --> 0:19:59.039 sometimes fewer. It was the sort of school where everyone 0:19:59.090 --> 0:20:02.629 knew everyone and where everyone is still in touch. Many 0:20:02.669 --> 0:20:05.969 of Song's old schoolmates now attend the same mosque. And 0:20:05.990 --> 0:20:08.850 whenever I can't find a name or number, it's always 0:20:08.909 --> 0:20:10.670 someone's cousin or close friend. 0:20:11.189 --> 0:20:12.530 I can get his number too. 0:20:12.810 --> 0:20:16.039 I was married to his sister for a minute. No, really? Yeah, 0:20:16.580 --> 0:20:18.149 so I can definitely get that number too. 0:20:19.050 --> 0:20:21.560 I get numbers, and I reach out to all of them. 0:20:22.260 --> 0:20:26.680 Group texts are texted, Facebook groups alerted, alumni chats queried. 0:20:26.699 --> 0:20:30.149 I even contact the imam of the school mosque back then. 0:20:31.010 --> 0:20:33.869 Everyone is friendly and seems to genuinely want to help. 0:20:34.520 --> 0:20:36.939 But over and over, I hear the same thing. 0:20:36.959 --> 0:20:39.460 I don't remember that incident at all. And I'm sure 0:20:39.500 --> 0:20:42.619 I was there. No, I don't remember any of that. 0:20:42.820 --> 0:20:44.520 And I've never heard it since. 0:20:44.780 --> 0:20:48.409 I don't remember it happening. None of us remember the incident. 0:20:48.429 --> 0:20:51.130 I don't recall that at all. Not at all. 0:20:51.470 --> 0:20:53.209 No, none of this sounds familiar. 0:20:53.790 --> 0:20:54.970 Unfortunately, I don't. 0:20:55.129 --> 0:20:57.110 And I don't remember who this person is. 0:20:57.310 --> 0:21:00.450 I don't remember any children having tics. 0:21:00.709 --> 0:21:02.949 I just don't know if he's going to find the 0:21:03.010 --> 0:21:05.429 person who he's looking for. 0:21:05.770 --> 0:21:06.170 I don't know. 0:21:08.149 --> 0:21:12.869 I search for over two years. No one remembers the incident. 0:21:13.550 --> 0:21:39.639 No one remembers the singing girl. I feel like by now, 0:21:39.859 --> 0:21:41.780 if it were possible to find the singing girl, I 0:21:42.209 --> 0:21:46.069 would have. So there are a few possibilities. There were 0:21:46.090 --> 0:21:50.100 two girls I learned who've died in the years since 1983. 0:21:50.100 --> 0:21:53.109 Maybe the singing girl was one of them. Or maybe 0:21:53.149 --> 0:21:55.800 she's one of the very few students I somehow haven't 0:21:55.850 --> 0:22:00.310 been able to reach. Or maybe there's something Song is misremembering. 0:22:01.149 --> 0:22:04.209 I speak with a psychologist who studies memory, and she 0:22:04.250 --> 0:22:07.189 tells me that we often distort memories in ways that 0:22:07.209 --> 0:22:10.629 help us make sense of the world. It's possible that 0:22:10.750 --> 0:22:13.330 while some parts of the memory are true, there are 0:22:13.389 --> 0:22:16.810 other parts Song invented to help explain his Tourette's. 0:22:17.609 --> 0:22:18.290 I will say. 0:22:18.970 --> 0:22:22.240 The number of people from your school that I've talked to, 0:22:22.320 --> 0:22:25.300 like the sheer list of names is so long. And 0:22:25.320 --> 0:22:27.979 I mean, I check in with Song to run through 0:22:28.199 --> 0:22:29.380 all the names I've called. 0:22:30.060 --> 0:22:32.169 Whoa, that's a lot. 0:22:33.609 --> 0:22:34.109 Whoa. 0:22:34.129 --> 0:22:37.129 And nobody remembers? 0:22:38.129 --> 0:22:38.950 Nobody remembers. 0:22:39.669 --> 0:22:44.050 Wow. That's crazy. Yeah. 0:22:45.409 --> 0:22:48.669 For years, Song has been holding this apology that he 0:22:48.709 --> 0:22:52.409 needs to express. And now, it seems, he has no 0:22:52.510 --> 0:22:56.869 one to express it to. But maybe there's still another 0:22:56.909 --> 0:23:05.189 way forward. Recently, on a long flight, I watched the 0:23:05.230 --> 0:23:09.310 movie Rental Family. It's about this industry in Japan where 0:23:09.429 --> 0:23:12.209 actors are paid to play family members or friends in 0:23:12.270 --> 0:23:17.540 real people's lives. Stand-ins, they're called. For instance, a lonely 0:23:17.580 --> 0:23:19.820 client might hire a fake friend to go to the 0:23:19.859 --> 0:23:23.040 movies with, or a widower might hire someone to play 0:23:23.080 --> 0:23:25.359 the role of his late wife so he can say 0:23:25.419 --> 0:23:29.320 to her the things he wishes he still could. It 0:23:29.359 --> 0:23:33.520 sounds like science fiction, but apparently it works. Clients know 0:23:33.560 --> 0:23:36.830 the actors aren't their real daughters or fathers, but they 0:23:36.869 --> 0:23:41.249 can still solve real issues by proxy. As wild as 0:23:41.310 --> 0:23:44.429 it sounds, I wonder if something similar might help songs. 0:23:45.230 --> 0:23:49.450 Not a professional stand-in, but an unofficial one. Maybe there's 0:23:49.490 --> 0:23:53.229 a conversation Song can have, not with a singing girl, 0:23:53.590 --> 0:23:56.629 but with a stand-in of sorts, that will allow him 0:23:56.730 --> 0:24:01.080 to move on. So I start looking around. I want 0:24:01.119 --> 0:24:04.720 someone who will get Song, appreciate his candor and dark 0:24:04.760 --> 0:24:08.979 sense of humor. I contact Tourette's advocacy groups, put out 0:24:09.040 --> 0:24:12.219 calls on social media. I speak with a number of 0:24:12.280 --> 0:24:15.720 kids with Tourette's who are all great, but not quite right. 0:24:16.679 --> 0:24:18.819 I search for nearly as long as I searched for 0:24:18.859 --> 0:24:23.340 the singing girl herself. Over a year goes by. And 0:24:23.379 --> 0:24:27.729 then I meet Chloe. Chloe is 13 years old and 0:24:27.770 --> 0:24:31.050 lives in Ireland. The first time we speak, she tells 0:24:31.090 --> 0:24:34.389 me about her newest tick, blurting out the sentence, I 0:24:34.449 --> 0:24:38.770 love cocaine. She says, it's a real problem at the airport. 0:24:39.609 --> 0:24:42.369 And in that moment, I know my search is over. 0:24:48.580 --> 0:24:51.639 When I bring the whole idea up to Song, he's skeptical. 0:24:52.220 --> 0:24:52.939 Of course he is. 0:24:53.679 --> 0:24:56.179 But I tell him more about Chloe. She's from a 0:24:56.220 --> 0:24:58.700 small village where she doesn't know anyone else like her. 0:24:59.240 --> 0:25:01.820 She's only ever met one other girl with Tourette's who 0:25:01.840 --> 0:25:04.739 lives far away, so she doesn't have many people to 0:25:04.800 --> 0:25:10.019 talk to. That's something Song understands. So Song says he's 0:25:10.109 --> 0:25:13.730 open to talking. He hopes it might be helpful for Chloe, 0:25:14.389 --> 0:25:17.490 and I hope it might be helpful for him. Both 0:25:17.530 --> 0:25:20.350 of our hopes come true, but not in the way 0:25:20.629 --> 0:25:21.770 either of us expect. 0:25:23.609 --> 0:25:24.889 Hi, Chloe. How are you? 0:25:25.330 --> 0:25:26.330 I'm good, thanks. How are you? 0:25:26.949 --> 0:25:27.409