1 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:07,120 Speaker 1: Hey fam Today, on the bright Side, we are unpacking 2 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:11,240 Speaker 1: the ghosting phenomenon and answering all your questions about what 3 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:14,280 Speaker 1: to do when it happens to you, Because what's scarier 4 00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:15,440 Speaker 1: than being left on red? 5 00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:15,800 Speaker 2: Y'all. 6 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:19,079 Speaker 1: Our guide on this journey through scary dating etiquette is 7 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:22,599 Speaker 1: dating coach and bright Side bestie, Sabrina Zohar. It's Tuesday, 8 00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:25,320 Speaker 1: October twenty ninth. I'm Simone Boyce, I'm. 9 00:00:25,239 --> 00:00:28,440 Speaker 2: Danielle Robe and this is the bright Side from Hello Sunshine, 10 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:31,600 Speaker 2: a daily show where we come together to share women's stories, 11 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:37,440 Speaker 2: to laugh, learn and brighten your day. So it's officially 12 00:00:37,479 --> 00:00:39,800 Speaker 2: spooky season and we couldn't think of a better time 13 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,600 Speaker 2: to dive into one of the creepiest trends in dating 14 00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:44,520 Speaker 2: ghosting mm hmm. 15 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:48,519 Speaker 1: It is the ultimate disappearing act. For those who don't know, 16 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:51,360 Speaker 1: ghosting is when someone just vanishes from your life without 17 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:55,600 Speaker 1: a trace, no texts, no calls, no explanations. It's like 18 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,440 Speaker 1: they were never there. But it just leaves you feeling 19 00:00:58,480 --> 00:00:59,640 Speaker 1: all sorts of confused. 20 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:05,880 Speaker 2: It's so scary, it's really really freaky, and we're gonna 21 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:07,720 Speaker 2: try and sort out all that confusion. 22 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:08,080 Speaker 3: Today. 23 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:10,640 Speaker 2: You might remember our next guest Sabrina Zohar, from a 24 00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:14,400 Speaker 2: past episode where we unpacked relationship red flags. Well, she's 25 00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:17,000 Speaker 2: back for another round of Catching Feelings, where we dig 26 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:19,000 Speaker 2: into all things dating and relationships. 27 00:01:19,319 --> 00:01:21,319 Speaker 1: And lucky for us, Sabrina is back to help us 28 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:25,959 Speaker 1: decode why people ghost, whether it's ever permissible, and we'll 29 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:29,200 Speaker 1: chat about some classic ghosting scenarios and hopefully give you 30 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:31,000 Speaker 1: some answers as to how to navigate this. 31 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:33,800 Speaker 2: I think we have to discuss just how pervasive this 32 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,399 Speaker 2: is because Forbes magazine did a survey that found that 33 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:40,039 Speaker 2: seventy six percent of people dating are affected by ghosting. 34 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:42,240 Speaker 1: Well, with those kind of numbers, I think we should 35 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:44,640 Speaker 1: just get into it. Sabrina Zohar, welcome back to the 36 00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:45,320 Speaker 1: bright Side. 37 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:47,199 Speaker 3: Hey, girls, have sonsity to be back. 38 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:49,440 Speaker 1: It's so fun to have you in person. 39 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:52,640 Speaker 3: I am so excited. We're gonna have a good talk today. 40 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:55,720 Speaker 2: Oh yeah, Okay, So today we're diving into a topic 41 00:01:56,000 --> 00:02:00,600 Speaker 2: that everybody and their mama has an opinion on, including 42 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:03,160 Speaker 2: my mama ghosting. 43 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:08,120 Speaker 3: Boo, Happy Halloween. 44 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:11,680 Speaker 2: So you've talked about this topic a ton on The 45 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:15,880 Speaker 2: Sabrina Zohar Show, and I think more broadly too, what 46 00:02:15,919 --> 00:02:17,680 Speaker 2: we're talking about is dating etiquette. 47 00:02:17,919 --> 00:02:21,400 Speaker 3: Yeah, I think you know. Here's the thing with ghosting is, 48 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,959 Speaker 3: to your point, everyone has an opinion on it, everyone 49 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:25,960 Speaker 3: has a thought on it, and everybody has a definition 50 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,440 Speaker 3: on it. And so for me, when I look at ghosting, 51 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:32,400 Speaker 3: it's like I'm looking at objectively as an abrupt ending 52 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:35,680 Speaker 3: in the middle of a relationship. That's just the definition. 53 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,520 Speaker 3: If we're going to look it up, I'm like, you know, 54 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:40,440 Speaker 3: whatever the fucks website, But what we really want to 55 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:41,880 Speaker 3: start to look at is like, wait a minute. There's 56 00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:44,400 Speaker 3: a lot of nuance though, because we have to remember too. 57 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,000 Speaker 3: If we just go around and say, like I just 58 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:48,080 Speaker 3: keep getting ghosted, I keep getting ghosted, it's like, what 59 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:49,480 Speaker 3: do I think that's doing to your mental health? What 60 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:51,280 Speaker 3: do you think that's doing to your psyche? And then 61 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:53,320 Speaker 3: we have to kind of look and say, what's my 62 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:56,120 Speaker 3: part in this? What's the other person? There's just a 63 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:58,519 Speaker 3: lot of variables. So I'm excited for us today to 64 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,560 Speaker 3: at least be able to just click ref I some 65 00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:03,800 Speaker 3: things and hopefully release some of the tension and anxiety 66 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:05,600 Speaker 3: that comes with dating, because I think there's so much 67 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:08,680 Speaker 3: fear that they're gonna get ghosted that inadvertently you're like, oh, 68 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:11,040 Speaker 3: which comes first to the chicken or the egg? Well, 69 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:12,400 Speaker 3: it kind of just like popped up. 70 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:15,800 Speaker 2: I remember all of a sudden, my girlfriends were talking 71 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:18,440 Speaker 2: about being ghosted, and I don't know if it was 72 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:20,280 Speaker 2: happening and we just didn't have a term for it, 73 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,600 Speaker 2: or if all of a sudden it started happening. 74 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:25,880 Speaker 3: My first ghosting experience happened when I was twenty and 75 00:03:25,919 --> 00:03:28,320 Speaker 3: I lived in New York, so many moments ago, and 76 00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:31,400 Speaker 3: online dating had just become a thing, and so it 77 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:33,680 Speaker 3: was like, Okay, I'd been dating this guy for six weeks. 78 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:36,000 Speaker 3: We had been intimate, like we were seeing each other, 79 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:38,200 Speaker 3: and that night we had plans to go out. And 80 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:39,600 Speaker 3: I saw him in the morning, like we were walking 81 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,120 Speaker 3: in the city and I saw him and I was 82 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:42,800 Speaker 3: with my friends, and he gave me this big hug 83 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,400 Speaker 3: and kiss. Babe, I can't wait to see you tonight. 84 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:46,400 Speaker 3: I'm so excited. I'm gonna meet all your friends. And 85 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:49,240 Speaker 3: I never heard from the guy again, like never, Like 86 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,800 Speaker 3: I went to that Psycho and I went to the party. 87 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:53,480 Speaker 3: I remember, like I took myself out to dinner and 88 00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:54,880 Speaker 3: text him like, hey, babe, borre it out, I'll see 89 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:56,320 Speaker 3: you in a bit and like nothing, and then just 90 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,880 Speaker 3: the whole night being like I'm so confused what happened. 91 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,280 Speaker 3: And then maybe two weeks later I saw him on 92 00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:03,080 Speaker 3: the street and it's like you live in my neighborhood, 93 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,200 Speaker 3: Like plan this a little bit better. And I just 94 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,440 Speaker 3: remember I flicked him off when I walked by and 95 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:09,080 Speaker 3: I just called him. I just screamed out I was 96 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,240 Speaker 3: a coward and I crossed the street. And then I 97 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:13,040 Speaker 3: got a text from him and he was like, I apologize. 98 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:14,920 Speaker 3: What I did was cowardice. I owe you an explanation. 99 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:18,480 Speaker 3: Never got that explanation, but really at the time, I 100 00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:20,760 Speaker 3: just remember being like I don't understand this. And that 101 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:23,839 Speaker 3: was my first time saying like, oh so this is ghosting, 102 00:04:25,279 --> 00:04:29,599 Speaker 3: got it? And then it kept happening or like what's that? 103 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:32,680 Speaker 3: Not really? No, I'm for me. It happened to maybe 104 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:34,200 Speaker 3: a couple more times than these were real people that 105 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,839 Speaker 3: like I met in person, and like we see higher 106 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:40,760 Speaker 3: opportunity for ghosting is usually when people come in real quick, 107 00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:43,400 Speaker 3: they leave real quick. And so my mom always to say, 108 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:44,760 Speaker 3: when you started a hundred, where else are you going 109 00:04:44,839 --> 00:04:47,680 Speaker 3: to go? And so when we see that ghosting behavior 110 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,040 Speaker 3: really comes because like if we look at it psychologically, right, 111 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,599 Speaker 3: if we really peel back the layers and like what 112 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:53,800 Speaker 3: is ghosting and why do people do it? A lot 113 00:04:53,839 --> 00:04:55,680 Speaker 3: of the times it's either like a fear of confrontation. 114 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,000 Speaker 3: A lot of people don't want to deal with somebody 115 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:01,560 Speaker 3: else's emotions. It could be emotional a availability like you're upset. 116 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:04,320 Speaker 3: I now have to deal with your being upset. I 117 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:07,240 Speaker 3: don't want to deal with that or this. It's easier, 118 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:10,039 Speaker 3: I don't owe you anything. It's like, okay, is that 119 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:11,880 Speaker 3: how you want to live your life? Because that's personally 120 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:14,040 Speaker 3: not how I want to live my life. So if 121 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:15,760 Speaker 3: I'm at least going to be talking to somebody or 122 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:18,159 Speaker 3: interacting with them and spending my time with this person, 123 00:05:18,279 --> 00:05:19,560 Speaker 3: I'm going to let them know if I don't want 124 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:20,920 Speaker 3: to continue. Yeah. 125 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:25,480 Speaker 1: I think also ghosting can happen whenever it's kind of 126 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:28,760 Speaker 1: like the simple, clean way to make a cut, like 127 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,280 Speaker 1: if you don't want to engage in a back and 128 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:34,680 Speaker 1: forth with that person about the reasons why it's not 129 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:37,640 Speaker 1: working out. I feel like some people choose ghosting because 130 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:39,559 Speaker 1: it seems like a more straightforward option. 131 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:42,280 Speaker 3: It goes back to like, oh, it's easier, and it's 132 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:45,000 Speaker 3: like okay. So here is my thoughts on ghosting when 133 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:48,159 Speaker 3: it comes to like proper dating etiquette. If there's a 134 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:50,440 Speaker 3: mutual fizzle, Like if I go on a date with 135 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:52,159 Speaker 3: somebody and they just never call me and I don't 136 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:54,279 Speaker 3: call them, I'm not going to say that person ghosted me. 137 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:55,760 Speaker 3: It's like, well, am either one of us reached out 138 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:57,880 Speaker 3: to each other. Yeah. If I've gone out with someone 139 00:05:57,880 --> 00:05:59,000 Speaker 3: and they're like, hey, you know they text you at 140 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,440 Speaker 3: and iight like, hey, you know how to great time? 141 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:01,600 Speaker 3: Like I would love to see you again, and you're 142 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:03,279 Speaker 3: like yeah, yeah, let's keep in touch, and again no 143 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:06,080 Speaker 3: one texts each other. It's like cool, just no one 144 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:08,880 Speaker 3: ghosted each other. No one, just no one communicated. For me, 145 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:11,159 Speaker 3: where it comes into the like the word ghosting to 146 00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:13,599 Speaker 3: me is the issue is when you have someone that's 147 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,240 Speaker 3: really trying to communicate with you, right, Like you're getting 148 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:18,160 Speaker 3: the text from someone being like, hey, I'm really confused 149 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:21,320 Speaker 3: what happened, Like just tell me what's going on. At 150 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:24,320 Speaker 3: that point, I'd rather someone just be like hey, I 151 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,080 Speaker 3: don't deal well with confrontation. I just want to let 152 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:27,320 Speaker 3: you know I'm done. I'm going to block your number 153 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,480 Speaker 3: because I can't handle this, right I Even my own partner, 154 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:30,839 Speaker 3: I've asked him have you had this? And he's like, oh, 155 00:06:30,839 --> 00:06:32,720 Speaker 3: I've broken up with women and I get a barrage, 156 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:34,239 Speaker 3: like just berated with text. 157 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:40,080 Speaker 2: Right. I feel like this is not the nicest thing 158 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:42,200 Speaker 2: to say, but I'm going to say it anyways. 159 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:42,640 Speaker 3: Go on. 160 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:47,320 Speaker 2: Some of my girlfriends get ghosted and some of them don't, 161 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:53,000 Speaker 2: and I'm I don't know what that means. Can you 162 00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,919 Speaker 2: elaborate on that, like is it their fault or is 163 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,520 Speaker 2: it the guys they're dating? Like I feel really confused 164 00:06:58,520 --> 00:06:59,560 Speaker 2: by it, actually. 165 00:06:59,279 --> 00:07:01,360 Speaker 3: Totally, And I want to be able to even before 166 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:03,720 Speaker 3: we start, like remove any shame and blame on anyone, Yeah, 167 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:05,800 Speaker 3: because I would never want anyone to feel like, oh god, 168 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:07,760 Speaker 3: is it my looked? What do I do? And it's 169 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,760 Speaker 3: like no, no, no, we can take accountability though, we can 170 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:13,160 Speaker 3: absolutely take ownership of what's my part in this? And 171 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,080 Speaker 3: what I see is like i'd be curious your friends 172 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:17,600 Speaker 3: that get ghosted. Have you seen a pattern that we 173 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:19,520 Speaker 3: see with the men, Like is it that they're all 174 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:21,560 Speaker 3: really charming at first? And call them a ton and 175 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:24,760 Speaker 3: text them a ton like do we notice? Because oftentimes 176 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:27,080 Speaker 3: what happens, especially with people that are love bombing, right, 177 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:30,280 Speaker 3: they'll come on strong. It's an unfortunate reality. But when 178 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,440 Speaker 3: people come on really strong like that, it's not about you, 179 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:34,080 Speaker 3: it's how they feel. 180 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:37,760 Speaker 2: So my one friend that I'm thinking about, she comes 181 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:41,160 Speaker 2: on really strong, and I think that's why she gets 182 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:45,000 Speaker 2: ghosted a lot. She freaks them out. And it's not 183 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:48,000 Speaker 2: in a way that feels like natural. It's it doesn't 184 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,800 Speaker 2: feel like, okay, we just really vibed. 185 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:53,120 Speaker 3: Yeah. I think they feel the pressure well because we 186 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:54,800 Speaker 3: don't have to look and say are they she attaching 187 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,000 Speaker 3: to them or connecting to them? Ooh right? Those are 188 00:07:57,080 --> 00:08:01,040 Speaker 3: question two very different circumstances. So if you're connecting to somebody, 189 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:04,160 Speaker 3: it takes time, It takes patience, it takes a trust 190 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:06,600 Speaker 3: you're building something right. It could take a few months 191 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:08,880 Speaker 3: to really be like, WHOA, we're really jiving because I 192 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:13,080 Speaker 3: see consistency, it's built over time. Whereas attaching to somebody 193 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:15,840 Speaker 3: really comes from how I could say it scinctly is 194 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:18,240 Speaker 3: want verse need Connecting is I want you in my life? 195 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:21,320 Speaker 3: I don't need you? Attaching is I need you? Otherwise 196 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,280 Speaker 3: I'm not going to be okay, And that comes from 197 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:26,720 Speaker 3: that fear of being abandoned, being rejected. The reality is 198 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:29,040 Speaker 3: when you're dating someone and you've come on strong like that, 199 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:32,520 Speaker 3: let's say you're really just showing up one hundred percent, 200 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:35,480 Speaker 3: it can be really, really off putting to someone else, 201 00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:37,560 Speaker 3: because of course my thought would be, well, how could 202 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:39,199 Speaker 3: you think I'm so amazing? You don't really know me. 203 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:41,480 Speaker 3: And what I think a lot of the people could 204 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,360 Speaker 3: be picking up is her anxiety. And there might be 205 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,400 Speaker 3: saying I don't even want to bother because I'm going 206 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:47,480 Speaker 3: to get a thousand texts from this person as to 207 00:08:47,559 --> 00:08:50,240 Speaker 3: why this didn't work, and to me, I'd rather just 208 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:50,640 Speaker 3: be out. 209 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:51,320 Speaker 2: Yeah. 210 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,280 Speaker 3: That's where we have to stop and say, listen, it's 211 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:54,960 Speaker 3: no one's fault, it's no one to blame. But we 212 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,040 Speaker 3: have to be able to say, Okay, what is my 213 00:08:57,240 --> 00:09:01,560 Speaker 3: common denominator in every circumstance, and if I continuously get ghosted, 214 00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:03,800 Speaker 3: I need to look at the behavior that's being exhibited 215 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:05,200 Speaker 3: before that happens. 216 00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:08,640 Speaker 2: I was shocked to read a Forbes survey that said 217 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:11,440 Speaker 2: that seventy six percent of people who are dating get ghosted, 218 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:15,319 Speaker 2: men and women they're equally likely to get ghosted forty 219 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:18,600 Speaker 2: four and forty seven percent. So men a little bit less. 220 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:19,960 Speaker 3: Have you reverend ghosted? 221 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:22,679 Speaker 2: No, But I'm going to be honest. I think you 222 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:25,880 Speaker 2: can get unlucky and get ghosted. You can run into somebody, 223 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:28,400 Speaker 2: and that's that is what it is. But I think 224 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:33,640 Speaker 2: I'm a over communicator in a healthy way that I 225 00:09:33,679 --> 00:09:36,600 Speaker 2: think they would be embarrassed to ghost me because it'd 226 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,480 Speaker 2: be like, what a loser thing to do. 227 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:41,000 Speaker 3: It also could be a testament to the people that 228 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:43,200 Speaker 3: you're choosing as well, right, because if you're being a 229 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:46,240 Speaker 3: better buyer as well, like you're communicating, which means you're 230 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:49,000 Speaker 3: setting a precedence to them of like, here's the baseline 231 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:50,679 Speaker 3: of what I'm willing to accept, and here's how I 232 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,040 Speaker 3: want to be in a relationship. So that way off 233 00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:55,120 Speaker 3: the bat, if you're coming in being like, hey, I'm communicative, 234 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:57,920 Speaker 3: I'm honest, I'm upfront, you're going to scare those people 235 00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:00,360 Speaker 3: off real quick that are not able to do that 236 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,520 Speaker 3: because they can see I can't bullshit her, I can't 237 00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:05,120 Speaker 3: pull the wool over her eyes. Versus when someone just 238 00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:07,720 Speaker 3: oh my god, he was so charming and so amazing. 239 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:10,280 Speaker 3: It's like you could also be narcissistic, you know, like 240 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:13,040 Speaker 3: that might not be the best thing. And that's again 241 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:14,720 Speaker 3: where we have to look at because there's a higher 242 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:16,480 Speaker 3: propensity of you know, I don't know if you saw 243 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:18,720 Speaker 3: the meme of like the guy like the day before 244 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:20,360 Speaker 3: a guy goes Yeah, it's like, that's what I've been 245 00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:23,080 Speaker 3: thinking about this whole conversation. Yeah, it's so like, you know, 246 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:24,640 Speaker 3: you're the love of my life and I've never met 247 00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,960 Speaker 3: anyone like you. And it's like that's because those are 248 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,360 Speaker 3: the people. They are higher propensity to a ghost because again, 249 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:32,240 Speaker 3: it's not about you and your connection. It's about you 250 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,520 Speaker 3: make me feel this when I'm with you, so I 251 00:10:34,679 --> 00:10:37,120 Speaker 3: like it. But the second this becomes intimate or there's 252 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:38,480 Speaker 3: a real connection, see. 253 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:42,600 Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's really hard to identify when it's 254 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:46,320 Speaker 1: happening in the moment, Like I identify, okay, I have 255 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:50,079 Speaker 1: found myself a love bomber and this might lead to 256 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:53,800 Speaker 1: this sort of outcome. What are your tips for identifying 257 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:56,720 Speaker 1: these patterns in the moment or these traits in the moment. 258 00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:59,520 Speaker 3: It's a great question. A couple things. One, we have 259 00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:02,240 Speaker 3: to look at the pinch match the ouch and so 260 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,440 Speaker 3: you have such good things. It's like one of my 261 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,719 Speaker 3: favorites because we have to look and see is am 262 00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:07,400 Speaker 3: I getting too much? 263 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:07,640 Speaker 1: Right? 264 00:11:07,679 --> 00:11:09,319 Speaker 3: Like, Okay, I don't know you, but yet a week 265 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,079 Speaker 3: after I met you, you saying that you're falling in 266 00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:12,960 Speaker 3: love with me and you want to meet my friends 267 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,800 Speaker 3: and family. It's like, how would you know all of 268 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,160 Speaker 3: this about me? Like just because I walk by your 269 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:18,480 Speaker 3: house and say it's pretty, I don't expect you to 270 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,760 Speaker 3: throw me the keys. So that's the first thing. The 271 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,400 Speaker 3: second thing that we want to really look at is 272 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:25,120 Speaker 3: oftentimes when we go for the love bomber, we're very 273 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,280 Speaker 3: disconnected from her own body, and so we want to 274 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,480 Speaker 3: start to understand what are the sensations I'm feeling. Am 275 00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:31,360 Speaker 3: I feeling a little like when I'm with them, am 276 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,200 Speaker 3: I feeling a little off? Like I was a dinner 277 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,600 Speaker 3: with my girlfriend last night and she was saying, how 278 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:37,760 Speaker 3: oh all these things? And then my partner Ryan and 279 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,559 Speaker 3: I were like just kind of looking at her being like, wait, 280 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:42,040 Speaker 3: are you are you sure that this is healthy? And 281 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:44,520 Speaker 3: then she stopped. She was like, huh, now you say it. 282 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:46,880 Speaker 3: My gut was feeling a little icky when he said 283 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,080 Speaker 3: some of these things, and she's like, yeah, I did notice. 284 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:51,000 Speaker 3: I actually got really anxious when he said this. And 285 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,360 Speaker 3: I was like, that's what we overlook because we're so 286 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:56,120 Speaker 3: excited to be chosen that we don't actually realize, Like, 287 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:58,600 Speaker 3: wait a minute, I'm self abandoning to be chosen and 288 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:00,760 Speaker 3: I'm not actually setting boundaries, which is Daniel kind of 289 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,839 Speaker 3: sounds like what you do of Hey, here's how I'm 290 00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:05,480 Speaker 3: going to do things that will cut that right there. 291 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:08,120 Speaker 3: I'll say this, you said a boundary, and someone runs 292 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:09,800 Speaker 3: open the door for them and let them go. It 293 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:11,880 Speaker 3: is the best thing they could do for you, because 294 00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:13,120 Speaker 3: you're not wasting your time. 295 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:16,880 Speaker 2: This one girlfriend that I'm thinking about does the opposite, Saverna. 296 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,360 Speaker 2: She just like when some guy goes she goes at. 297 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,800 Speaker 3: Him, and I'm like, no, he does. 298 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:26,080 Speaker 1: He's not going to make him respond Girlfriends, No, it's 299 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:26,679 Speaker 1: it's bad. 300 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,960 Speaker 3: What you're describing right now is often like the amygdala hijack, 301 00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:32,080 Speaker 3: and it's a terrible term, but I'll go in it. 302 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:34,480 Speaker 3: And so what happens is like, okay, you're dating right 303 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:36,319 Speaker 3: when we get triggered. A trigger is a cue to 304 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:38,559 Speaker 3: your nervous system that you're in danger. So people really 305 00:12:38,559 --> 00:12:40,440 Speaker 3: misuse that word and they'll be like, that triggered me. 306 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:42,040 Speaker 3: It's like, no, he punched you in the face. That's 307 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:44,559 Speaker 3: not a trigger. That's disrespect right like that. A trigger 308 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:47,480 Speaker 3: is a neutral action ary inaction. So it's a really 309 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:51,199 Speaker 3: good distinction. And when we get disregulated, prefrontal cortex shuts off. 310 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,520 Speaker 3: That's our decision making, our common sense. We go into 311 00:12:53,559 --> 00:12:56,040 Speaker 3: the amygdalah, we go into that limbic system. And when 312 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:59,400 Speaker 3: we're in the limbic system, what she sees is challenge accepted. 313 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:01,679 Speaker 3: If I try harder, let me run after them, because 314 00:13:01,679 --> 00:13:03,920 Speaker 3: maybe as a kid, that's what she was used to. 315 00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:06,280 Speaker 3: She had to earn the love of a caregiver. The 316 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:08,600 Speaker 3: problem is you're not dating mom or dad because you're 317 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:11,000 Speaker 3: trying to replicate, and it's it's also a term called 318 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:14,320 Speaker 3: repetition compulsion. So we continue to date the parts of 319 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:18,000 Speaker 3: us that are essentially unhealed, hoping that if I date 320 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:19,760 Speaker 3: you and you're like my dad and you choose me, 321 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,280 Speaker 3: it'll heal everything I went through. And all it does 322 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:24,320 Speaker 3: is it keeps her running and keeps her going because 323 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:27,760 Speaker 3: she's so disconnected from herself that she's just self abandoning 324 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:30,120 Speaker 3: and running after somebody because she's not really choosing herself. 325 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,800 Speaker 2: And I think I want to also be clear, like 326 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:35,960 Speaker 2: I've had guys not be interested in me, Like it's 327 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:39,679 Speaker 2: that that hurts too, But it's different than being ghosted. 328 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,480 Speaker 3: Because cohasting is just because it leaves you in your 329 00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:44,560 Speaker 3: own thoughts, right, Like the person receiving the ghosting is 330 00:13:44,559 --> 00:13:48,480 Speaker 3: sitting there ruminating, spiraling, checking every text doesn't understand because 331 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:49,800 Speaker 3: you're blind signing somebody. 332 00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,040 Speaker 2: I think it says so much more about them, like 333 00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:55,480 Speaker 2: can't like I don't know if guys have this, but 334 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:59,880 Speaker 2: my girlfriends basically have this one paragraph text that we 335 00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:02,320 Speaker 2: all send around. And if you go on a date 336 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:06,000 Speaker 2: and it's you don't feel anything, we're like okay, like 337 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:09,080 Speaker 2: send the text and it's just says hey, you know, 338 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:12,760 Speaker 2: like it's five lines and it's really respectful and that's it. 339 00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:15,320 Speaker 2: It's pretty easy to send that text. So when you 340 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:17,600 Speaker 2: don't want to send that to me, that signals like 341 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:19,480 Speaker 2: way more emotional issues. 342 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:22,560 Speaker 1: Men don't know how to communicate. I mean, they haven't 343 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:26,440 Speaker 1: been conditioned or socialized to number one, sit with their 344 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:30,000 Speaker 1: feelings and embrace their feelings. So how can we expect 345 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,560 Speaker 1: them to be able to communicate them to other people. 346 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,640 Speaker 3: We have to really look at who taught us, right, 347 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:35,760 Speaker 3: like who taught us all of this? 348 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:38,840 Speaker 1: We need to take a short break, but we'll be 349 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:40,560 Speaker 1: right back with Sabrina Zohar. 350 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:52,800 Speaker 3: And we're back with dating coach Sabrina Zohar. 351 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:56,280 Speaker 2: Okay, so we want to throw out some scenarios for you, 352 00:14:56,320 --> 00:15:00,760 Speaker 2: because I love the nuance that you have in ghosting. 353 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:04,160 Speaker 2: If you have a one night stand with someone and 354 00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:06,960 Speaker 2: you don't hear back from them, is that considered ghosting? 355 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:13,880 Speaker 3: That's a toughie. I would say, contingent upon a few things. One, 356 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,720 Speaker 3: did you discuss anything before you left? Right, Like, did 357 00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:19,360 Speaker 3: you leave saying hey, I'd really like to see you again. 358 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,000 Speaker 3: Did the other person agree with that? And then you 359 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:22,440 Speaker 3: text them the next day and you never hear from 360 00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:25,040 Speaker 3: them again. That's a shitty feeling. Would I say that 361 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:27,840 Speaker 3: that person ghosted you? Potentially? I would also then just 362 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:29,880 Speaker 3: say they're probably just not picking up what you're putting down, 363 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:32,480 Speaker 3: because what are they going to say the next day? Hey, 364 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:34,800 Speaker 3: this was great, but like cause, okay, let's also bear 365 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:37,320 Speaker 3: in mind most people don't want to be honest because okay, 366 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:39,080 Speaker 3: let's say you are intimate, like my partner and I. 367 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:41,200 Speaker 3: We were intimate the first date, and I was very 368 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:42,640 Speaker 3: I left being like, listen, if I don't hear from 369 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,240 Speaker 3: this guy again, like what are I'm an adult. I 370 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:46,160 Speaker 3: made a decision, and he did. He text me the 371 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:49,200 Speaker 3: next day. But we have to be aware as well 372 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,440 Speaker 3: of like, if I'm going to make that decision, then 373 00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:54,080 Speaker 3: I'm also going to know that there is a possibility 374 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,920 Speaker 3: that this doesn't work out. And the more the less 375 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,200 Speaker 3: personal I take it of, like, well he ghosted me, 376 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,360 Speaker 3: it's like or this guy's not for me, right, like, 377 00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:03,320 Speaker 3: or this person's just not my person, or I had 378 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:06,080 Speaker 3: an experience exactly. I was walking away with that what 379 00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:08,080 Speaker 3: a fun night, right, Like I've had nights where I'm like, 380 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:09,760 Speaker 3: this was great, and I the guy I never heard 381 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,240 Speaker 3: from them again. I'm like, okay, so I think that 382 00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:14,880 Speaker 3: there's to me. I try to avoid even just using 383 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:16,880 Speaker 3: like he ghosted me or she ghosted me, because I'm like, 384 00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:19,000 Speaker 3: it's just messes with your psyche because then you just 385 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:19,920 Speaker 3: think what's wrong with me? 386 00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:23,000 Speaker 1: Well comes back to patterns, and I think that's such 387 00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:25,520 Speaker 1: a key word in this conversation. You know, the patterns 388 00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:27,280 Speaker 1: that we need to identify in other people and the 389 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,120 Speaker 1: ones we need to identify in ourselves. 390 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:31,280 Speaker 3: One hundred percent, and then really being cognizant and aware 391 00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:33,080 Speaker 3: of how am I presenting myself? 392 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:33,320 Speaker 2: Right? 393 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,440 Speaker 3: Am I being a better buyer? Am I really putting 394 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:38,040 Speaker 3: myself out there in the appropriate ways? Or am I 395 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:40,680 Speaker 3: having all these similar experiences like your girlfriend who just 396 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,440 Speaker 3: is stuck in her loop? And if we actually zoomed out, 397 00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:45,960 Speaker 3: it's not that she's to blame or that she's at fault, 398 00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:49,080 Speaker 3: but she can be accountable for what she's allowing into 399 00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:49,520 Speaker 3: her life. 400 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:54,080 Speaker 1: Yeah, Okay, another scenario, if it's a first date, there's 401 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:57,600 Speaker 1: no kiss, no contact, but you don't hear from them. 402 00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:59,120 Speaker 3: Again, is that a ghost to me? It's just not 403 00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:03,120 Speaker 3: a ghost I for me? First date. That's why again 404 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:06,399 Speaker 3: we go back to take control of your life. Right? 405 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:08,640 Speaker 3: Did you guys see there was that that poor girl 406 00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:10,600 Speaker 3: that went on the date and she made a TikTok 407 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,159 Speaker 3: saying like it was the short shortest first date of 408 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:15,680 Speaker 3: her life. And they went in and he literally before 409 00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:17,760 Speaker 3: he even like said to the person, how many people? 410 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:19,399 Speaker 3: He said, listen, can we actually go outside? And he 411 00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:21,520 Speaker 3: came in he said I'm sorry. I'm not feeling this. 412 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:22,959 Speaker 3: I don't want to waste your time, like I'm going 413 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,439 Speaker 3: to go whoa And she's crying and it's like and 414 00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:27,520 Speaker 3: then you see everybody kind of saying and you're like, okay, well, 415 00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:28,199 Speaker 3: how do you handle this? 416 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:28,480 Speaker 1: Right? 417 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,360 Speaker 3: If you show up on a date, it's like, cool, yeah, 418 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,520 Speaker 3: I've done it. I have. Oh god, I can't tell 419 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:33,679 Speaker 3: you how many days have gone on that you in 420 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:35,119 Speaker 3: the minute you see the person walk in, you're like, 421 00:17:35,119 --> 00:17:37,160 Speaker 3: all right, forty five minutes in amount, right, like, I'm here, 422 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:39,520 Speaker 3: I'm not going to say anything. But then to some people, 423 00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:41,240 Speaker 3: they'd say, well, my time is worth something. I don't 424 00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,440 Speaker 3: want to spend it with this person. I'd rather be honest. 425 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:46,160 Speaker 3: What do you think about that? I personally, I thought 426 00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:47,639 Speaker 3: he could have handled it a little bit better. I 427 00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:49,840 Speaker 3: think there's some decorum in the way that you tell someone. 428 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:52,119 Speaker 3: I would never walk in and be like you know what, 429 00:17:52,119 --> 00:17:53,760 Speaker 3: I'm sorry, I can't do this. It's like I would 430 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:55,119 Speaker 3: have sat down for a drink and been like, hey, 431 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,320 Speaker 3: I think you're fantastic. I don't think there's a connection here, 432 00:17:57,480 --> 00:17:59,479 Speaker 3: so let's not waste any more of our time. Yeah, 433 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:01,320 Speaker 3: I think you can at least spend some time feels 434 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:04,600 Speaker 3: pretty harsh. Harsh. The thing with the first date is like, 435 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:06,520 Speaker 3: that's why I would say, don't go Like this girl 436 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:07,800 Speaker 3: went to dinner and she was like, I got all 437 00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:09,959 Speaker 3: dressed up, and it's like, please don't do that, Like 438 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,600 Speaker 3: go to dinner the second date. Right, at least going 439 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,520 Speaker 3: a coffee date, going a hike, on a walk, go 440 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:17,520 Speaker 3: get whatever. I don't care, go on an erran, just 441 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:19,320 Speaker 3: do a vibe check to see do I want to 442 00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:21,240 Speaker 3: spend more time with you or not. That's why to me, 443 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:23,400 Speaker 3: it doesn't really feel like ghosting because you go out. 444 00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:24,160 Speaker 3: It's not a match. 445 00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:24,920 Speaker 1: It's not a match. 446 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:25,399 Speaker 3: Next. 447 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,399 Speaker 2: I had a therapist tell me one time because like, 448 00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:32,160 Speaker 2: I'm obsessive about my time and so dating is tough. 449 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,399 Speaker 2: And she was like, okay, you're going to set up 450 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:37,560 Speaker 2: four dates in a row at a coffee shop on 451 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:38,680 Speaker 2: a Saturday or Sunday. 452 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:40,240 Speaker 3: And I was like, that's horrible. 453 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,520 Speaker 2: I'm not doing that and she was like, it's the 454 00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:43,399 Speaker 2: only way for you. 455 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,040 Speaker 3: What do you think about that? So for me, the 456 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:49,720 Speaker 3: way I dated personally was practical. So if I match 457 00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:51,439 Speaker 3: with somebody online, I'm like, I have no idea who 458 00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:52,800 Speaker 3: you are. I don't even know your I don't even 459 00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,200 Speaker 3: know your middle name. I'm not going to give you 460 00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:55,920 Speaker 3: an evening of my time. I'd be like cool, I'm 461 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:59,119 Speaker 3: about to like, I have to have to go to Arawon, 462 00:19:00,119 --> 00:19:01,679 Speaker 3: have to go there, So why don't you meet me? 463 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:04,080 Speaker 3: We can sit outside have a quick catch up. So 464 00:19:04,119 --> 00:19:05,920 Speaker 3: if you're like cool, on Saturday, I have an hour, 465 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,360 Speaker 3: why don't you meet me for a walk on the beach. 466 00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,040 Speaker 3: I get my steps in, I get to take the dog, 467 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,280 Speaker 3: and I get to meet someone. If this works, yay, 468 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,320 Speaker 3: and if it doesn't, I go on with my day. 469 00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,359 Speaker 3: You have control of your dating life, but there is 470 00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:19,359 Speaker 3: a vulnerability that is required of like give a little, 471 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:21,800 Speaker 3: but also take control of your life, because we don't 472 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:25,240 Speaker 3: want the rigidity of the boundaries to be too inflexible 473 00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:26,560 Speaker 3: to where it's like, well, then you're not going to 474 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:27,440 Speaker 3: ever meet anybody. 475 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,679 Speaker 2: Okay, what if you've been dating for a while but 476 00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:30,960 Speaker 2: you haven't slept together yet. 477 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:34,240 Speaker 3: I think it goes yeah, I think intimacy or not. 478 00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,760 Speaker 3: If you've spent time with somebody, you've been vulnerable. You've 479 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:39,479 Speaker 3: been like we're talking to me more than one or 480 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:41,560 Speaker 3: two dates like, especially after the second date, if you 481 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,119 Speaker 3: still haven't kissed and you text, I'm like, hey, I'd 482 00:19:43,119 --> 00:19:44,919 Speaker 3: love to see you again, and they don't answer. You're like, okay, 483 00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:48,440 Speaker 3: well whatever next. So for me, if you've spent time 484 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,640 Speaker 3: with somebody, at the very least, yeah, I do think 485 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:54,679 Speaker 3: it's quote unquote ode that you are respectful about that 486 00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:56,879 Speaker 3: person's time of thank you for spending the time. It 487 00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:58,440 Speaker 3: was really great. But this isn't a match, and I 488 00:19:58,440 --> 00:19:59,399 Speaker 3: don't want to waste more of it. 489 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:03,640 Speaker 2: I have some friends who abide by your idea of ghosting, 490 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:05,679 Speaker 2: like if it's a date or two and no one 491 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,639 Speaker 2: kind of texts. I am so in the camp of like, 492 00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:10,800 Speaker 2: just send the text that you like, just send it 493 00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:12,439 Speaker 2: anyways you can send it. 494 00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,639 Speaker 3: Listen. I think it won't be a ghoster if, Like 495 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:16,760 Speaker 3: for me, if I had a date. I remember when 496 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:18,000 Speaker 3: I was dating. If I had a date where I 497 00:20:18,119 --> 00:20:19,960 Speaker 3: was just like not into the guy, and no one 498 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,280 Speaker 3: text after, no one text after, I didn't have to 499 00:20:22,359 --> 00:20:24,560 Speaker 3: say anything. The times I would send it was when 500 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,320 Speaker 3: they would send a message after like hey I had 501 00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:28,560 Speaker 3: a great time, I'd love to see you again. Then 502 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,160 Speaker 3: I would say, hey, I think you're lovely, this isn't 503 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:33,880 Speaker 3: a match personally, I agree. The only reason I say like, oh, 504 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:36,159 Speaker 3: it's not as sary is because if it doesn't happen, 505 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,240 Speaker 3: it's okay. Yeah, but I would prefer at least if 506 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:43,640 Speaker 3: somebody communicates, just tell someone take that in misery. 507 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:46,919 Speaker 2: I like that rule. If somebody texts, then you just 508 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:48,760 Speaker 2: send the text. If no one texts, then it's fine. 509 00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:50,359 Speaker 3: Yeah, because if no one texts, you're both kind of 510 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,520 Speaker 3: like mutually understanding that. Like, I'm with that. 511 00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:53,520 Speaker 2: I like that rule. 512 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:55,200 Speaker 3: Yeah, okay. 513 00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,080 Speaker 1: What about if you are set up with someone by 514 00:20:57,119 --> 00:20:59,520 Speaker 1: a mutual friend or coworker, so you were matched up, 515 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:02,160 Speaker 1: but you don't vibe with the match and they don't 516 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:02,879 Speaker 1: follow up with you. 517 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,840 Speaker 3: Is that a ghost? I don't think so. I think 518 00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:07,879 Speaker 3: I said that's not mutual. Like, if you're not vibing, 519 00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:10,879 Speaker 3: they're not vibing for me personally, if it's a friend 520 00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,840 Speaker 3: group situation that you're gonna see this person again, just 521 00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:17,320 Speaker 3: for the integrity of the group, right, say something like, hey, 522 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:21,800 Speaker 3: you're so cool. Just protect the integrity of your friend group. Yeah, okay. 523 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:25,120 Speaker 1: I want to get your take on some reasons why 524 00:21:25,119 --> 00:21:26,439 Speaker 1: people reportedly ghost. 525 00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:27,760 Speaker 3: This is according to Forbes. 526 00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:31,560 Speaker 1: So the number one most common reason is there were 527 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:36,760 Speaker 1: different expectations, and number two it's because this person didn't 528 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:39,640 Speaker 1: like the other person's personality. What do you think about 529 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:43,000 Speaker 1: those two reasons? Does that sound accurate to you? 530 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:47,960 Speaker 3: Basically, I hate everything about you ghost no, I said. 531 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,120 Speaker 3: The minute you said, I was like, call bullshit. I'm sorry. 532 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:51,920 Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm not sure either. Yeah. 533 00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,000 Speaker 3: To me, I'm like, that's just a lack of integrity 534 00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:56,159 Speaker 3: in my opinion, Like, what do you mean lack of 535 00:21:56,359 --> 00:21:59,520 Speaker 3: difference of expectations. It's like, so you think by not 536 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:04,040 Speaker 3: commune indicating you're doing your job, but with expectations. 537 00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:07,280 Speaker 1: Maybe it's that people just have super low expectations for 538 00:22:07,359 --> 00:22:10,800 Speaker 1: dating right now, like abysmally low expectations. 539 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:13,040 Speaker 3: It's tough. Was I'm not I was single because I 540 00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:14,280 Speaker 3: think people will look at me and be like, oh, 541 00:22:14,359 --> 00:22:15,959 Speaker 3: you have a partner, and like I just met him 542 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,760 Speaker 3: two years ago, like I was in the trenches with 543 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:19,840 Speaker 3: the rest of us, like I have. I dated in 544 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:22,720 Speaker 3: New York and LA for years, and like here is 545 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:26,440 Speaker 3: the reality. I was the common denominator of a lot 546 00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:28,960 Speaker 3: of the reasons it didn't work out because I had 547 00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:31,840 Speaker 3: either high expectations. I thought, well, if you're spending time 548 00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:33,879 Speaker 3: with me, then you want me, and it was like, no, 549 00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:36,520 Speaker 3: that doesn't mean anything. Or you're texting me every day 550 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,159 Speaker 3: that means you like me, and it's like, no, that 551 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:41,879 Speaker 3: person was automating those messages or was bored. That doesn't 552 00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:43,679 Speaker 3: mean anything. And I think what we really have to 553 00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:46,200 Speaker 3: see here is yes, does it gain? Like really is 554 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:49,159 Speaker 3: not immorant? I get that, but if we continue to 555 00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:52,440 Speaker 3: enter in with like God, dating is so hard. Remember 556 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:55,359 Speaker 3: cognitive biases. If you go outside right now and you 557 00:22:55,359 --> 00:22:57,639 Speaker 3: say I want a red car, all you're going to 558 00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:59,639 Speaker 3: see is a red car because your brain wires it. 559 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:02,320 Speaker 3: So when I met my partner personally, I was like, 560 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:06,320 Speaker 3: I have no expectations, it doesn't matter. I'm just going 561 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,480 Speaker 3: to be present. And I remember just thinking in my 562 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:10,240 Speaker 3: head like, wow, he's very different than most of the 563 00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:12,320 Speaker 3: men that I dated. If I hadn't done the work 564 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:14,840 Speaker 3: on myself to be aware of that, then I wouldn't 565 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,159 Speaker 3: have been at least honed in on who he was. 566 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:19,879 Speaker 3: But that also then came with me having to manage 567 00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:22,040 Speaker 3: my own expectations. I love that it. 568 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,280 Speaker 2: Sounds like you took your ego out of the game entirely, 569 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:25,480 Speaker 2: which is so beautiful. 570 00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:29,320 Speaker 3: How did you do it? A lot of challenging my 571 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,960 Speaker 3: own thoughts really, because when we first started to date 572 00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:33,639 Speaker 3: and he wasn't a big texture, I was like, no, 573 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:35,720 Speaker 3: that's it. He doesn't like you. He just used you. 574 00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:37,520 Speaker 3: He wanted your body, and it was like I had 575 00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:39,520 Speaker 3: no facts to back that up. And then what I 576 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:41,920 Speaker 3: also did was I challenged myself to do things differently. 577 00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:43,879 Speaker 3: So I was like, Okay, in the past, I wouldn't 578 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:45,560 Speaker 3: bring this up, and I was like, no, it's important 579 00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:47,080 Speaker 3: that I do it. But first I sat with it 580 00:23:47,119 --> 00:23:49,080 Speaker 3: and I saw, like, what's coming up for me? Is 581 00:23:49,119 --> 00:23:51,399 Speaker 3: this my anxiety? Nope, this is a gut reaction that 582 00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:53,960 Speaker 3: what he said really bothered me, or you know whatever. 583 00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:55,400 Speaker 3: Like when I reached out to my partner to ask 584 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:58,760 Speaker 3: for more texting, he easily could have said no, and 585 00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:01,879 Speaker 3: he did, but nonetheless, like he set a boundary and 586 00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:05,240 Speaker 3: we communicated very clearly from the get so that my 587 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:08,200 Speaker 3: ego didn't have a place because my ego had never 588 00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:11,080 Speaker 3: helped me. I just looked at this as like every date, 589 00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:12,680 Speaker 3: third date, just to see if I want to have 590 00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:14,640 Speaker 3: a fourth, fourth date, just to see if I want 591 00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:17,040 Speaker 3: to have a fifth because when you're really present, you 592 00:24:17,119 --> 00:24:21,320 Speaker 3: again can build a connection. You're connecting, you're connecting, you're 593 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:23,679 Speaker 3: not attaching to people, and I think that's the attachment 594 00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:26,280 Speaker 3: part is where we get the ghosting aspect, because our 595 00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:29,639 Speaker 3: attachments come into play and our attachment styles again, the 596 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:32,960 Speaker 3: love bombing and the coming on to me. Though Forbes, 597 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:35,159 Speaker 3: i'd love to know where they got the data. But 598 00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:37,000 Speaker 3: if we're going to look at psychology as to why 599 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,920 Speaker 3: people ghost, it's not just because I didn't like their personality. 600 00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:41,800 Speaker 3: It's like, so that's your reasoning, but you could still 601 00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:43,760 Speaker 3: communicate that, yeah, hey, I think you're great. I just 602 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:44,720 Speaker 3: don't think this is a match. 603 00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:47,200 Speaker 2: We need to take another quick break, but we'll be 604 00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:50,760 Speaker 2: right back to our spooky conversation with dating coach Sabrina 605 00:24:50,760 --> 00:25:00,680 Speaker 2: is Ohire, and we're back with Sabrina Zohire. So there 606 00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:04,800 Speaker 2: was this idea that was purported by friends the series. 607 00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:07,679 Speaker 2: It's actually not true, but it was like the idea 608 00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:11,800 Speaker 2: that lobsters like regenerate and never die. They just like 609 00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:14,239 Speaker 2: come back to life or their shells live on, and 610 00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:16,800 Speaker 2: so a lot of girls will be like, oh, he's 611 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:19,800 Speaker 2: my lobster, Like he came back. You're rolling your eyes, 612 00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:24,200 Speaker 2: But okay, here's my question for you in thinking about 613 00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:27,560 Speaker 2: men as lobsters that they come back a lot of times, 614 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:32,120 Speaker 2: say that you've been ghosted and that person then reaches 615 00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:33,040 Speaker 2: back out to you. 616 00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,639 Speaker 3: What's the move? Oh, you get to decide what you 617 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:37,359 Speaker 3: want to do here. Now here's the reality. You're going 618 00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:39,679 Speaker 3: to respond back? What changed that person goes? Did you want? 619 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,160 Speaker 3: You don't think they're going to do it again. It's 620 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:43,240 Speaker 3: one thing if you come back and you say, hey, 621 00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:45,520 Speaker 3: I've been in therapy, I've done the work. Like if 622 00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:48,520 Speaker 3: you just get like hey, you get bent like I 623 00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:51,720 Speaker 3: am not even I am not even entertaining this, Like 624 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:55,080 Speaker 3: that's not even a blip on my screen, versus like, hey, 625 00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:57,600 Speaker 3: you know, Danielle, I am so sorry. I was going 626 00:25:57,600 --> 00:25:59,480 Speaker 3: through a lot and I didn't handle this the right way. 627 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:02,000 Speaker 3: Can I please make this up to you? I apologize. 628 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:04,920 Speaker 3: Then you get to decide if this is something you 629 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:07,879 Speaker 3: still want to pursue. Would I advise it? Probably not, 630 00:26:08,119 --> 00:26:10,200 Speaker 3: because I want to know what transpired in that time 631 00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:12,919 Speaker 3: that they ghosted you until they came back. Because for me, 632 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:14,880 Speaker 3: when I hear they always come back, it's like get 633 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:18,040 Speaker 3: better boundaries, have sterner boundaries, and that way they won't 634 00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:20,879 Speaker 3: come back because I don't you go once, I'm not 635 00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:22,000 Speaker 3: going to let you do that to me again. 636 00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:25,320 Speaker 1: So we've talked a lot about all the different forms 637 00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:29,040 Speaker 1: of ghosting, what it means, how it can manifest. This 638 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:30,760 Speaker 1: is the bright side. So we also want to talk 639 00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:35,440 Speaker 1: about solutions. What do you think constitutes an empowered response 640 00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:36,720 Speaker 1: to ghosting. 641 00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:39,760 Speaker 3: Speaking up for yourself right, And that means it's a 642 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,920 Speaker 3: decision that you make from a regulated state. So if 643 00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:46,040 Speaker 3: you're getting that text, it instantly disregulates you. Your sweating, 644 00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:48,760 Speaker 3: you don't know what's going Oh, you're like spiraling in 645 00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:50,480 Speaker 3: your thoughts. That's not going to be the good time 646 00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:52,520 Speaker 3: to make a response because you're coming out of that 647 00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:55,080 Speaker 3: limbic system of like oh my god, MoMA just came 648 00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:57,200 Speaker 3: home or Dad just came back versus. We want to 649 00:26:57,200 --> 00:26:59,080 Speaker 3: put some space, right, Like, we want to be able 650 00:26:59,119 --> 00:27:01,760 Speaker 3: to put a in it in between that message and 651 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:04,240 Speaker 3: go regulate, Go for a walk, Go call a friend 652 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:07,120 Speaker 3: and talk to your therapist, go co regulate with somebody. 653 00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:09,879 Speaker 3: Then when you come back, we can unpack because you 654 00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:12,040 Speaker 3: have every right, like if that's your moment to say like, hey, 655 00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:14,280 Speaker 3: what you did was incredibly hurtful to me. It actually 656 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:16,520 Speaker 3: really did impact me, and for that, I want to 657 00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:17,879 Speaker 3: tell you I wish you all the best, but I 658 00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:20,080 Speaker 3: have zero interest ever speaking to you again. Please don't 659 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:22,840 Speaker 3: contact me if that's the case, if somebody really hurt 660 00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:25,000 Speaker 3: you versus if it wasn't a big deal and you're like, hey, 661 00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:26,560 Speaker 3: thank you so much. Great to hear from you. I'm 662 00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:28,439 Speaker 3: not interested in pursuing anything further. But I wish you 663 00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:31,000 Speaker 3: all the best. You know what I should rephrase. I'm 664 00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:35,320 Speaker 3: more wondering, like, what is an empowered response? Whenever someone 665 00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:37,960 Speaker 3: ghosts you and you just you haven't heard from them, 666 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:40,640 Speaker 3: is the most empowered way to respond? 667 00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:43,239 Speaker 1: Is it? Is it reaching out to them and like 668 00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:46,560 Speaker 1: chastising them, Is it ghosting them back and like just 669 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,159 Speaker 1: not responding to them at all or reaching out to 670 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:49,680 Speaker 1: them at all? 671 00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:53,440 Speaker 3: What is the best path way to handle the guests? Yeah, okay, 672 00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:55,880 Speaker 3: I think give it a shot, right, Like if you're 673 00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:57,520 Speaker 3: if you're like, Okay, I haven't heard from this person 674 00:27:57,600 --> 00:27:59,040 Speaker 3: in three days, and it's like okay, but if I've 675 00:27:59,119 --> 00:28:00,840 Speaker 3: hung out with this person, I'm going to reach out like, hey, 676 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:02,960 Speaker 3: I haven't heard from you or you Okay, if they 677 00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:05,560 Speaker 3: don't answer that, maybe I would send one more if 678 00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,879 Speaker 3: I depending again on like how long I've known this person, 679 00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:10,040 Speaker 3: if I've slept with them and we were dating and 680 00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:11,800 Speaker 3: you met my friends and family, Like I'm going to 681 00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:13,960 Speaker 3: at least be like, yo, this is so not cool, 682 00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:16,080 Speaker 3: Like I really don't appreciate that. I really hope that 683 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:17,800 Speaker 3: you would just contact me and we can talk about this. 684 00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:19,879 Speaker 3: But if not, like, I'm going to take no answer 685 00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:23,000 Speaker 3: as quite an answer to me. I think it's if 686 00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:25,080 Speaker 3: you're going to speak your piece and say it, go be. 687 00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:28,600 Speaker 3: Do not brate somebody, Do not send a thousand texts. 688 00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:31,960 Speaker 3: It's like avoidant avoidant attachment style. They remove themselves because 689 00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:34,360 Speaker 3: that makes them feel more regulated. So when we think 690 00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:37,280 Speaker 3: about the nervous system and we're looking at like the 691 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:39,120 Speaker 3: attachment styles, right, you have the secure and then you 692 00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:41,640 Speaker 3: have the insecure ones that are anxious, avoidant, disorganized. And 693 00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:44,560 Speaker 3: so if we're thinking about somebody who's more anxious, that 694 00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:46,480 Speaker 3: person wants the can you know I need you to 695 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,560 Speaker 3: tell me it's okay, give me an answer, right, So 696 00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:51,320 Speaker 3: they're the people that are seeking you tell me I'm okay, 697 00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:54,480 Speaker 3: validate me. The avoidant. On the other hand, when they 698 00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:59,760 Speaker 3: remove themselves, that's they're regulating. Okay, I'm out. You continue 699 00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:02,680 Speaker 3: to contact them. What you're doing is reaffirming to them, Oh, 700 00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:05,040 Speaker 3: I made the best decision that was right for me, 701 00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:08,480 Speaker 3: because they're disregularly. The more you come after, you're flushing 702 00:29:08,560 --> 00:29:11,680 Speaker 3: them further back. So it's like, fine, say what you want, 703 00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:12,240 Speaker 3: and then. 704 00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:15,520 Speaker 1: Leave one final question for you. Okay, what's the best 705 00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:18,680 Speaker 1: revenge for ghosting? Because if we're all being honest, that's 706 00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:21,760 Speaker 1: what you want. Whenever you've been ghosted, whenever you've been abandoned, 707 00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:24,080 Speaker 1: you're like, oh, I just want to I want them 708 00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:26,280 Speaker 1: to see me thriving. You know, I want them to 709 00:29:26,320 --> 00:29:28,920 Speaker 1: see me dating this hot new person. I know this 710 00:29:29,040 --> 00:29:32,040 Speaker 1: is so base human nature, but indulge me here. 711 00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:34,600 Speaker 3: I will give What comes to mind first is what 712 00:29:34,640 --> 00:29:36,160 Speaker 3: my dad always used to say to me whenever I 713 00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:37,640 Speaker 3: had like an issue, and he would say, my love, 714 00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:41,160 Speaker 3: the best revenge is success. Go focus on you. And 715 00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:43,280 Speaker 3: to this day I always think that because it's like, sure, 716 00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:44,880 Speaker 3: I could try to prove a point, but if I'm 717 00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:46,640 Speaker 3: trying to prove a point too, if I'm doing first 718 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:49,440 Speaker 3: traps and I'm doing all these sexy photos. Then what 719 00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:51,440 Speaker 3: I'm doing is I'm doing that because of someone else. 720 00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:54,040 Speaker 3: I'm not actually doing that because I authentically want that. Yeah, 721 00:29:54,040 --> 00:29:56,320 Speaker 3: so somebody goes to you. The best revenge you can 722 00:29:56,360 --> 00:29:58,560 Speaker 3: have is a difference. I'm not going to give you 723 00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:00,760 Speaker 3: more importance than you deserve in myne life, and that 724 00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:03,280 Speaker 3: to me is something I get to take control over. 725 00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:05,720 Speaker 3: And that is the best revenge is me moving on 726 00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:06,080 Speaker 3: from you. 727 00:30:06,360 --> 00:30:09,320 Speaker 1: Sabrina. You did not disappoint me at all in that answer. 728 00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:12,680 Speaker 1: That was so perfect, so perfect. Indifference is the best 729 00:30:12,720 --> 00:30:13,880 Speaker 1: revenge truly. 730 00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:15,320 Speaker 3: Because it allows you to move on, and it allows 731 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:16,840 Speaker 3: you to make space for somebody that's not going to 732 00:30:16,840 --> 00:30:18,720 Speaker 3: ghost to you and treat you like this. Because every 733 00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:21,320 Speaker 3: person that's listening to this is worthy and deserving of love, 734 00:30:21,600 --> 00:30:24,640 Speaker 3: is worthy and deserving of having what they admire and desire. 735 00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:26,800 Speaker 3: But it's about are you actually going to be the 736 00:30:26,840 --> 00:30:28,760 Speaker 3: one that calls the shots on that or you can 737 00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:29,800 Speaker 3: allow other people to do that. 738 00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:31,920 Speaker 2: Thank you for sharing your time with us. 739 00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:32,680 Speaker 3: You're so awesome. 740 00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:35,320 Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Sabrina. We love you so much, 741 00:30:35,400 --> 00:30:36,120 Speaker 1: love me two girls. 742 00:30:36,120 --> 00:30:36,880 Speaker 3: Thank you for having me. 743 00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:40,720 Speaker 2: Sabrina Zohar is a dating coach and host of the 744 00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:41,800 Speaker 2: Sabrina Zohar. 745 00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:49,520 Speaker 1: Show, That's It. For today's show, Tomorrow, It's Wellness Wednesday, 746 00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:53,440 Speaker 1: and one of the Internet's favorite millennial therapists, doctor Sarah Kubrick, 747 00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:56,480 Speaker 1: joins us to talk about navigating self loss and coming 748 00:30:56,480 --> 00:31:02,080 Speaker 1: to terms with our identity. Join the conversation using hashtag 749 00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:04,760 Speaker 1: the bright Side and connect with us on social media 750 00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:08,080 Speaker 1: at Hello Sunshine on Instagram and at the bright Side 751 00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:11,000 Speaker 1: Pod on TikTok oh, and feel free to tag us 752 00:31:11,080 --> 00:31:13,640 Speaker 1: at Simone Voice and at Danielle Robe. 753 00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:17,160 Speaker 2: Listen and follow The bright Side on the iHeartRadio app, 754 00:31:17,200 --> 00:31:19,880 Speaker 2: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 755 00:31:20,280 --> 00:31:25,840 Speaker 1: See you tomorrow, folks, Keep looking on the bright side.