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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever

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Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to

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Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we break

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Speaker 1: down the Psychology of our twenties. How is everybody doing?

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Speaker 1: What's been on your mind? What have you been thinking

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Speaker 1: about recently, stressed about, worried about. Maybe it's money, which

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Speaker 1: is me at all times, your bills, how little your

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Speaker 1: job is paying you. Maybe it's your current living situation.

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Speaker 1: Your lindlord is quite frankly an asshole. Your roommate it's

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Speaker 1: irritating you. You can't find a place to rent in

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Speaker 1: your city. Maybe it is a breakup, a long term

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Speaker 1: relationship breakdown that you know, you really thought you were

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Speaker 1: going to be with this person forever. You had all

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Speaker 1: these plans for the future, and then suddenly it was over.

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Speaker 1: You're facing heartbreak kind of in the same place where

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Speaker 1: you fell in love.

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Speaker 2: All of these situations, states of minds, experiences seem kind

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Speaker 2: of separate. They seem to touch on different facets of

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Speaker 2: dissatisfaction in our lives, but they have one thing in common,

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Speaker 2: and that is that they all cause us to really

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Speaker 2: consider the possibility of moving back home with our parents,

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Speaker 2: whether that is to save money because you can't find

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Speaker 2: a place to live, you're going through a massive life transition.

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Speaker 2: It is becoming a lot more common for twenty something

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Speaker 2: year old like you and I to revert back to

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Speaker 2: living in their childhood home or sometimes not leaving at

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Speaker 2: all until they're in there in late twenties, sometimes even

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Speaker 2: early thirties. Our living situation and our relationship with our

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Speaker 2: parents are two major points of I would say exploration

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Speaker 2: and theory in psychology, especially during this decade that we

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Speaker 2: call e merging adulthood, which is between the ages of

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Speaker 2: eighteen and twenty nine. Because these factors, these experiences, our

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Speaker 2: living situation, our parents, they shape a lot about who

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Speaker 2: we are. They shape a lot about what we're experiencing

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Speaker 2: in some ways, our entire state of mind and how

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Speaker 2: we go about seeing the world. We're seeing a lot

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Speaker 2: more research coming out about this, you know, in some

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Speaker 2: of the pioneering studies on emerging adulthood. This chapter that

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Speaker 2: we're in that was conducted by the psychologist Jeffrey Aren't

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Speaker 2: It back in twenty fourteen. He talks about how two

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Speaker 2: of the biggest events we go through, or kind of

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Speaker 2: battles that we endure on our path to full fledged adulthood,

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Speaker 2: are being home and redefining our relationship with our parents.

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Speaker 2: It really used to be the case that people would

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Speaker 2: move out of their parents' home and never return, you know,

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Speaker 2: for women it might not be until they got married.

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Speaker 2: For men, when they got a full time paying job,

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Speaker 2: as the gender norm goes. But nowadays we're seeing a

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Speaker 2: real societal shift whereby we are staying in the family

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Speaker 2: home for much longer. About fifty percent of people in

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Speaker 2: their twenties right now still live at home with their parents,

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Speaker 2: and it's typically women who move out a lot earlier.

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Speaker 2: But on average, you know, compared to like forty percent

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Speaker 2: of people who are living out of home two decades ago,

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Speaker 2: there is this kind of decline in individuals who are

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Speaker 2: seeking out independent living during this decade. You know, living

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Speaker 2: independently is no longer like a signifier of adulthood as

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Speaker 2: it previously was, because a it's occurring later. But b

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Speaker 2: we're also boomeranging, right, we're moving out, We're leaving home.

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Speaker 2: Were saying my mom and dad, like, I'm flying the nest,

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Speaker 2: and like five years later, we're back where we kind

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Speaker 2: of started. We're back in our childhood bedrooms. It used

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Speaker 2: to be the case that you couldn't even be labeled

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Speaker 2: as an established adult until you had moved out of home.

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Speaker 2: Like that was the biggest thing that researchers used as

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Speaker 2: a signifier to say, Okay, this person has grown up.

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Speaker 2: But I think that that label, that kind of factor,

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Speaker 2: that category no longer applies because there has been a

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Speaker 2: real change in our willingness and our ability to kind

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Speaker 2: of leave the nest. So let's talk about it today.

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Speaker 2: I really want to firstly speak about why it is

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Speaker 2: that a lot of us are delaying moving out, staying

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Speaker 2: with our parents, or being forced to move back home. Obviously,

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Speaker 2: cost of living is a huge one, but we are

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Speaker 2: also getting married later, you know, meaning that we might

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Speaker 2: stay at home for longer before potentially meeting someone and

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Speaker 2: settling down. We're also seeing that although there has been

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Speaker 2: a big growth in education levels, you know, more people

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Speaker 2: are going to university that hasn't translated into greater job

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Speaker 2: security or financial insecurity. So I asked you guys on Instagram.

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Speaker 2: There's almost I think ten thousand of you who answered me.

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Speaker 2: And the question I asked is why do you still

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Speaker 2: live at home with your parents or why did you

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Speaker 2: move back home with your parents? Because about fifty percent

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Speaker 2: of you said that they had moved out, you had

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Speaker 2: moved out of home, and you had found your way back.

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Speaker 2: So there were three main contributors factors really that stood

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Speaker 2: out to me. Firstly, this one I'm going to just

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Speaker 2: like put in its own category was COVID. Of course,

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Speaker 2: huge life changing medical epidemic event. So I actually moved

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Speaker 2: I moved out when I was seventeen, but I moved

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Speaker 2: back home with my parents for three months when COVID

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Speaker 2: first began at like twenty years old. And I think

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Speaker 2: that was a lot of people's experiences, like my mum

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Speaker 2: had a total meant will break down about me getting

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Speaker 2: sick and dying and having no one around to help

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Speaker 2: me because we knew so little about the virus. So

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Speaker 2: I lasted about three months before I literally begged for

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Speaker 2: them to let me go back to Canberra where I

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Speaker 2: was living at the time, and it was so strange

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Speaker 2: because I could have left at any point right like

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Speaker 2: I was an adult. My residential address was in Canberra,

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Speaker 2: so it was like full within the law to travel back,

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Speaker 2: but the dynamic of being at home made it feel

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Speaker 2: like I had to get their permission. That suddenly all

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Speaker 2: of my agency, all of the authority I had over

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Speaker 2: my life was kind of gone now that my parents

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Speaker 2: were living under the same roof with me. So COVID

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Speaker 2: was a big thing for a lot of us. I

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Speaker 2: think a lot of us did find ourselves moving back

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Speaker 2: home around that time. It really was though I think

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Speaker 2: once in a lifetime situation. I don't think that we're

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Speaker 2: going to experience that again in our life, if not

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Speaker 2: in our twenties, So we're going to count that as

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Speaker 2: its own separate category. But the second biggest rea and

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Speaker 2: that people you know told me about around why they

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Speaker 2: either didn't move out or moved back home, was finances

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Speaker 2: and saving money. Oh my goodness, the world that we

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Speaker 2: have inherited from our families, from our parents and their

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Speaker 2: parents and their parents before them is a broken world.

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Speaker 2: There is an insane cost of living crisis going on,

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Speaker 2: and I don't think I could name a city that

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Speaker 2: isn't experiencing this, or I could name a country that

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Speaker 2: isn't experiencing this. So a lot of us aren't able

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Speaker 2: to afford rent. I think in Sydney right now, the

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Speaker 2: average rent is seven hundred and fifty dollars a week

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Speaker 2: when the average income is fourteen hundred dollars, and that

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Speaker 2: is including people who are you know, directors and executives

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Speaker 2: and at the very high level of their career. I

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Speaker 2: don't think the average twenty something year old like you

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Speaker 2: and I is making fourteen hundred dollars a week. So

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Speaker 2: even if that was the case, almost half of your

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Speaker 2: salary is going to just putting a roof over your head.

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Speaker 2: So that's not really accessible, is it. I think the

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Speaker 2: rule of thumb is like a third or a quarter

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Speaker 2: of your income should go towards paying rent. That doesn't

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Speaker 2: seem like that. There's a you know, fourteen hundred dollars

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Speaker 2: versus seven hundred and fifty dollars that really is just

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Speaker 2: taking out a huge chunk of what you're taking home

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Speaker 2: each week. So we can't afford rent. We don't want

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Speaker 2: to pay rent, you know. I think a lot of

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Speaker 2: us are getting fed up of paying off somebody else's

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Speaker 2: mortgage whilst you're never going to be able to afford

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Speaker 2: a place. And I think that stuck inequality that we

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Speaker 2: are observing is creating a huge mental strain on the

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Speaker 2: lives and health of young people in this generation, primarily

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Speaker 2: through I think an increased prevalence and incidence rate of

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Speaker 2: financial anxiety. Constantly being concerned or hyper fixated on your income,

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Speaker 2: on job security, on your debts, on your ability to

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Speaker 2: afford necessities. I really don't think I can overstate how

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Speaker 2: much financial anxiety this generation is experiencing the previous generations

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Speaker 2: did not have to experience. Whereby, you know, rent is

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Speaker 2: one thing. We can't afford a roof over our head.

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Speaker 2: We can't afford that without skimping on essentials like food

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Speaker 2: or transport, or healthcare or even a social life. Yes,

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Speaker 2: your social life is a necessity, It is essential. Being

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Speaker 2: able to positively maintain your relationships is not a luxury.

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Speaker 2: So all of this kind of leads to a deep

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Speaker 2: sense of unease, which makes it really hard to relax

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Speaker 2: in our lives, and moving back home with our parents

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Speaker 2: can relieve that by taking away the primary trigger I

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Speaker 2: would call it for our worries about money, which is

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Speaker 2: rent and bills. It's interesting because I saw this quote

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Speaker 2: that said living at home with your parents may be free,

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Speaker 2: but you pay with your mental wellbeing. You might not

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Speaker 2: be taking on any tangible financial responsibilities, but it does

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Speaker 2: sometimes come at the small cost of your emotional health.

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Speaker 2: And we're kind of forced into this really difficult trade

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Speaker 2: off during this decade. Do we lose our health or

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Speaker 2: do we lose our wealth? That's what it comes down to.

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Speaker 2: The second biggest factor that people spoke about, which I

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Speaker 2: was surprised about and then actually equally not as surprised about,

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Speaker 2: was a breakup. I think when you start a life

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Speaker 2: with someone in your twenties thinking it will be forever

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Speaker 2: and it isn't, that is a significant disruptor to your

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Speaker 2: sense of self, to your plans for the future, your

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Speaker 2: plans for tomorrow. Even sometimes we need the safety and

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Speaker 2: security of our family to heal or to just give

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Speaker 2: us a place to stay. I've seen so many friends

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Speaker 2: enduring this recently, whereby they've been with someone for like

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Speaker 2: years and they've been living together, they're making plans for

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Speaker 2: the future, and then all of a sudden, one of

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Speaker 2: them turns around and cause it quits. And they forced

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Speaker 2: with this like really awful, horrendous reality of having to

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Speaker 2: clean out the place you live together, break a lease,

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Speaker 2: you know, just push forward, do the daily things you

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Speaker 2: used to experience with them by your side. That is

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Speaker 2: its own unique form of psychological torture, especially in our twenties,

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Speaker 2: when it does kind of feel like a race to

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Speaker 2: find the one. As much as I disagree with that,

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Speaker 2: you know, there is a societal pressure to like have

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Speaker 2: a mate, to have a partner by the end of

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Speaker 2: your twenties. So I think they're also battling this sense

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Speaker 2: of like, well, now I'm back at square one. I

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Speaker 2: have to begin this whole thing again. So that was

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Speaker 2: another big factor, is people experiencing a breakup and that

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Speaker 2: being a catalyst for moving home. And the final one

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Speaker 2: was the beginning or the end of a huge life

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Speaker 2: transition that kind of prevents us from having permanent housing.

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Speaker 2: A really great example of this is that period between

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Speaker 2: graduation and starting a full time job, or perhaps not

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Speaker 2: having a job lined up, not making any money when

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Speaker 2: you return overseas without a lease, you know, that is

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Speaker 2: another real big catalyst for moving home. Some of us

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Speaker 2: just want to be prepared, you know, to take our

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Speaker 2: time until it feels absolutely right to move out, even

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Speaker 2: if that means continuing to share a space, a home,

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Speaker 2: our privacy with our parents. There is one final factor

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Speaker 2: that I actually want to talk about really quickly. A

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Speaker 2: lot of you actually talked about how when your parents

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Speaker 2: became ill, you felt this real sense of obligation to

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Speaker 2: take care of them as they got older, as they

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Speaker 2: kind of took care of you when you were younger.

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Speaker 2: I think those of us with a real strong sense

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Speaker 2: of family values family obligation may feel compelled to kind

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Speaker 2: of give up our independent lives in our twenties to

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Speaker 2: very selflessly assist our parents. And I'm sure it's not

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Speaker 2: the easiest decision, but it definitely feels like the right one.

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Speaker 2: So what are the consequences of this? Why does living

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Speaker 2: with our parents in our twenties seemingly take such a psychological, emotional, social,

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Speaker 2: even sometimes physical toll. And there is a toll, a

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Speaker 2: very scientifically observable one. So a recent Australian study published

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Speaker 2: last year, one of the first of its kinds in Australia,

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Speaker 2: looked at cohabitation between parents and young adults. So parents

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Speaker 2: and children living together in the same house, and they

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Speaker 2: found that young adults, particularly those in their mid to

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Speaker 2: late twenties, living with their parents, had poor mental health

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Speaker 2: in those living independently, and those mental health impacts become

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Speaker 2: larger the older that we get. So when you're twenty

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Speaker 2: one living with your parents, it might still be a struggle.

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Speaker 2: It's not that bad compared to if you were twenty

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Speaker 2: nine and living with your parents. And the authors attributed

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Speaker 2: this to several factors. The first one is a sense

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Speaker 2: of feeling stuck or feeling behind, that you haven't yet

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Speaker 2: reached a milestone that other people in your life have.

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Speaker 2: You just feel like you can't progress your independent life.

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Speaker 2: And I think that there's a real cultural element in that,

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Speaker 2: especially in Western nations like Australia, like the US, like

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Speaker 2: the UK, like Canada, all of those whereby historically and

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Speaker 2: psychologically Western societies really value independence and they see a

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Speaker 2: dependence on the family home and on family resources as

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Speaker 2: a failure, whereby more Eastern cultures are a lot more collective,

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Speaker 2: you know, collectivism. That's a big part of their identity

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Speaker 2: as a community, which is we help each other out.

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Speaker 2: It's not unnormal, unheard of. I guess for people in

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Speaker 2: their forties to still be living with their parents or

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Speaker 2: to have their parents move in with them. So I

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Speaker 2: really think that the impact you're going to feel is

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Speaker 2: really dependent on a couple of things. Obviously, culture expectation,

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Speaker 2: that's a big one. But I also think the the

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Speaker 2: reason that we tend to struggle comes down to the

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Speaker 2: innate nature of a parent child relationship and how that

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Speaker 2: develops in our twenties, when we are no longer a

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Speaker 2: child by age, but we are a child by relationship

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Speaker 2: to our parents, living under their roof, feeling like we're

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Speaker 2: not fully able to express or practice our freedom, we're

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Speaker 2: not fully able to be recognized by them as an adult,

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Speaker 2: but rather as the child that they raised, the teenager

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Speaker 2: that they scolded, the young adult that they still feel

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Speaker 2: a sense of protectiveness or control over. Once again, this

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Speaker 2: environment position positions you like relationally, as a child, you

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Speaker 2: are still that sixteen, seventeen, eighteen year old version of

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Speaker 2: yourself that your parents could control and could send to

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Speaker 2: your room and could ground because the environment in which

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Speaker 2: that relationship and that dynamic occurred is the same, even

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Speaker 2: if you have matured and grown older. Relationship with our parents,

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Speaker 2: I think is always going to be hierarchical. They are

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Speaker 2: at the top. They have more power because of just

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Speaker 2: the nature of the fact that they you know, they

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Speaker 2: gave birth to you, they created you, they chose you.

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Speaker 2: If you were adopted, you know, there was this there

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Speaker 2: was an active choice by them to have you as

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Speaker 2: a child, and they got to implant you with their values.

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Speaker 2: Your childhood was formed by their choices. They financially supported

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Speaker 2: you for many years. And so when you spend that

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Speaker 2: first eighteen years of your life having to listen to them,

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Speaker 2: perhaps having to conceal parts of you to still seem

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Speaker 2: like a child in their mind, arguing with them, needing

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Speaker 2: their permission, that doesn't shift overnight. I think that's why

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Speaker 2: we see, like at the moment that we're back within

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Speaker 2: the orbit of our family, we like regress significantly. We

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Speaker 2: become very dependent. We argue like we did when we

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Speaker 2: were a braddy teenager. We don't pick up our laundry.

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Speaker 2: We just we become this version of ourselves that we

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Speaker 2: left behind. But when we come back into the relationship,

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Speaker 2: it positions us as being immature, as still being a child.

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Speaker 2: In fact, I actually read this really fascinating piece of

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Speaker 2: work in which one psychologist noted that it's really common

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Speaker 2: for people to regress psychologically, especially when faced with tension

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Speaker 2: or conflict within the family. We revert back to the

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Speaker 2: old patterns that we know that we have rehearsed and

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Speaker 2: remembered from childhood, because this is the only way that

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Speaker 2: we've ever related to our parents in these situations. It's

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Speaker 2: so interesting because I was having like an argument with

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Speaker 2: my mum a couple of months back, and like I

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Speaker 2: would say, this is a weird thing. I'm very good

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Speaker 2: at arguing, like in a mature way, like with my partner,

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Speaker 2: with my friends, with I don't really argue, you know

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Speaker 2: what I mean. Like it's and when I do, it's

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Speaker 2: like safe and it's respectful, and I know when to

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Speaker 2: take breaks. With my parents, it's just like I am

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Speaker 2: this feral human because it's just like I'm this child

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Speaker 2: again who doesn't have emotional regulation, because our relationship allows

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Speaker 2: me to fall back into that I always felt really

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Speaker 2: embarrassed about. It turns out this regression is actually very universal.

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Speaker 2: It's reflecting our longest relationship, the one that we've had

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Speaker 2: with our caregivers, and with that a very deeply embedded

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Speaker 2: pattern of behavior, and it's very very hard to break,

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Speaker 2: especially if you continue to live at home and you

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Speaker 2: haven't yet separated from the family unit, because that would

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Speaker 2: give you kind of a former way of psychological separation

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Speaker 2: in which you would have the space to form your

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Speaker 2: own values, to form your own beliefs, to form your

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Speaker 2: own attitudes beyond the family unit. That need to separate socially, physically,

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Speaker 2: psychologically gets stronger and stronger the older we get, because

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Speaker 2: that part of us that wants to be an established adult,

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Speaker 2: who wants independence, who wants to decide they have to dinner,

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Speaker 2: who wants to decide whether they're going to leave a

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Speaker 2: mess or not, that gets harder to ignore, even if

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00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:08,960
Speaker 2: we know that we are saving on rent, even if

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00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:12,280
Speaker 2: there is a practical consideration there. So this is what

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Speaker 2: the very famous psychologist Eric Erickson calls the battle between

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Speaker 2: identity versus confusion, whereby we start to really push back

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Speaker 2: against our childhood childhood identity and discover who we are

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Speaker 2: beyond the wants and beliefs of our parents, and we

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Speaker 2: need to overcome this conflict between identity and confusion in

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Speaker 2: order to progress in our lives. This used to occur

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Speaker 2: when we are about eighteen. But the fact is is

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00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:40,720
Speaker 2: that adulthood is being delayed for a lot of us

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00:19:41,119 --> 00:19:46,040
Speaker 2: because the milestones that normally defined our twenties are shifting.

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Speaker 2: So we're feeling this conflict and this urge for separation

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Speaker 2: later on, perhaps, but more intensely. That's the argument that's

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00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,800
Speaker 2: been made in recent years. And I think the luxury

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00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:01,320
Speaker 2: of having our own, say o, our environment, which we

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00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,960
Speaker 2: didn't get as children, it becomes a necessity the older

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00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:08,919
Speaker 2: we get, and having our own space becomes very psychologically

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Speaker 2: important because your own space is an expression of our

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00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:17,760
Speaker 2: emerging identity. Having our own space allows for the expansion

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Speaker 2: of our personal boundaries onto our external environment. So it's

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Speaker 2: not just about how you want your parents to treat you,

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00:20:25,119 --> 00:20:28,119
Speaker 2: it's how you want you like the control you have

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Speaker 2: over your space, the control you have over your furniture,

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Speaker 2: over your mess. I think having private and personal space

348
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,960
Speaker 2: is one thing, but having enough of it is another thing.

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Speaker 2: You know, like, you may still have that sense of

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Speaker 2: control over your bedroom that's at your home, but you

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00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,359
Speaker 2: need more space than that as you get older, because

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00:20:48,359 --> 00:20:51,560
Speaker 2: a private life cannot be lived in one bedroom alone,

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Speaker 2: especially when someone can easily walk in or can maybe

354
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,440
Speaker 2: here through the walls. Especially when that bedroom is one

355
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:01,320
Speaker 2: that your parents essentially own, you just don't have room

356
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,480
Speaker 2: to expand you don't feel as if you have the

357
00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:06,960
Speaker 2: ability to actually be you, and I think that can

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00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:12,600
Speaker 2: lead us to feeling very claustrophobic, alienated, maybe stuck. It's

359
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:14,760
Speaker 2: really interesting because there was this study done on this

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00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:18,240
Speaker 2: that estimates that we need at least fifteen square meters

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00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:22,359
Speaker 2: of personal space minimum as we got, so that's about

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00:21:22,359 --> 00:21:25,040
Speaker 2: the size of one and a half school buses. You're

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00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:27,439
Speaker 2: probably not getting that with your parents living in your

364
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:32,119
Speaker 2: childhood bedroom. Privacy is another thing I want to focus

365
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:35,880
Speaker 2: on within that. So privacy is a really interesting concept

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00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:40,320
Speaker 2: because it is quite literally defined as a fundamental human right,

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Speaker 2: meaning that there are major bodies across the world, from

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00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:47,919
Speaker 2: the UN to major psychological societies to the human rights

369
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:52,480
Speaker 2: commissions of the world that see it as essential for

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Speaker 2: well being, essential for human safety, human security, but finally

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00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:01,359
Speaker 2: human fulfillment. And it's not that our parents are deliberately

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00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:05,119
Speaker 2: worthholding our privacy in most cases at least, just that

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00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:07,919
Speaker 2: there is not much privacy to be had by nature

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Speaker 2: of living at home, by nature of sharing living spaces.

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Speaker 2: And I think that we feel that, especially when it

376
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:18,520
Speaker 2: comes to our relationships, both romantic and platonic. I think

377
00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:22,280
Speaker 2: inviting friends over becomes a lot harder because you can't

378
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:26,120
Speaker 2: use the space exactly how you'd like. Your parents may

379
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:28,520
Speaker 2: kind of always be lingering in the corner. You can't

380
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:32,280
Speaker 2: necessarily talk openly about whatever you want. You can't behave

381
00:22:32,359 --> 00:22:34,600
Speaker 2: however you want. There is still an illusion you want

382
00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:37,280
Speaker 2: to maintain with your parents that you are a child.

383
00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:39,760
Speaker 2: There is still a way that you are kind of

384
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:43,720
Speaker 2: expected implicitly to act. This is not the place to

385
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:48,720
Speaker 2: be uninhibited. This is the place to be cautious. Additionally,

386
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:51,880
Speaker 2: unless our friends are particularly close with our parents, because

387
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:55,120
Speaker 2: I know that does happen. Sometimes you can feel quite

388
00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:58,040
Speaker 2: on edge when you visit a friend's house and their

389
00:22:58,119 --> 00:23:00,120
Speaker 2: mum like opens the door, or their dad is like

390
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:03,480
Speaker 2: sitting on the couch whilst you're cooking dinner, or like

391
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:06,120
Speaker 2: he's like, I don't know, go into the bathroom whilst

392
00:23:06,119 --> 00:23:08,080
Speaker 2: you're like trying to catch up over a glass of wine.

393
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,840
Speaker 2: You always have a sense that you're not just speaking

394
00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:14,000
Speaker 2: to your friend. There are other ears that are tuned in,

395
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:16,000
Speaker 2: so it's hard to really get to that level of

396
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:22,520
Speaker 2: depth where vulnerability exists, things might feel strained. Now, Romantic

397
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:26,920
Speaker 2: relationships are a whole other bag of I don't know,

398
00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:29,680
Speaker 2: a bag of buttons, bag of bones. And I think

399
00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:33,680
Speaker 2: that living at home can really change the whole trajectory

400
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:37,520
Speaker 2: of what happens between us and someone that we're dating.

401
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:41,400
Speaker 2: Particularly when we start courting someone, start feeling them out,

402
00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:46,239
Speaker 2: start sleeping with them. It's kind of awkward to be like,

403
00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,240
Speaker 2: do we want to take this back home? Do we

404
00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:50,880
Speaker 2: want to extend this date in a place where more

405
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:53,359
Speaker 2: comfortable by the way I live with my parents, you know,

406
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:56,919
Speaker 2: let's be real, dating people casually it usually means you're

407
00:23:56,960 --> 00:24:00,760
Speaker 2: sleeping together or you're doing something intimate. In that sense,

408
00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:03,520
Speaker 2: you can't really like invite them back to your place

409
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:06,080
Speaker 2: without like fully introducing them to your parents on like

410
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:09,280
Speaker 2: date three or five, and that completely once again speeds

411
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:13,120
Speaker 2: up the intensity of the relationship in an instant whereby

412
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:16,400
Speaker 2: people who live alone or with roommates, you know, you

413
00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:18,679
Speaker 2: have time to like feel this person out, You have

414
00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:22,239
Speaker 2: time to date them before they meet the parents, you know,

415
00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:25,720
Speaker 2: Whereas if you're living at home, especially when it comes

416
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:27,560
Speaker 2: to sex, you know, like they might be meeting them

417
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:29,919
Speaker 2: pretty soon, And it's also a bit of like a

418
00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:32,960
Speaker 2: weird thing to like have sex in your parents' house,

419
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:35,640
Speaker 2: thinking that like they might be able to hear what's

420
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:38,199
Speaker 2: going on. You kind of want to maintain this like

421
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:42,359
Speaker 2: facade that you're not a sexual creature, almost for their

422
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:45,600
Speaker 2: peace of mind, and that makes it harder. It makes

423
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:48,720
Speaker 2: it like a lot harder to do the deed. So

424
00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:51,639
Speaker 2: I remember when I moved back with my parents, not

425
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:53,560
Speaker 2: for very long, it was like probably only three weeks.

426
00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:56,080
Speaker 2: Over the summer after I finished my degree, I was

427
00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:59,119
Speaker 2: dating this guy whose parents also lived in Melbourne, and

428
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:02,080
Speaker 2: so of course we're both in Melbourne at the same time.

429
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:05,280
Speaker 2: We keep seeing each other over the holidays, but because

430
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:08,000
Speaker 2: both of our parents were always home, we could like

431
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:11,639
Speaker 2: we couldn't have sex. And then one night I snuck

432
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,760
Speaker 2: him in through the side gate to this literal shed

433
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:17,680
Speaker 2: like this shed like studio thing we have in our backyard,

434
00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:20,840
Speaker 2: and he slept overnight on this blow up mattress. And

435
00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:24,600
Speaker 2: the next morning, for some reason, because literally no one

436
00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:27,359
Speaker 2: ever goes into this room, my mom like walks in

437
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:29,879
Speaker 2: and there is me and the sky like naked on

438
00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:33,080
Speaker 2: a camping mattress, and it was so funny because my

439
00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:36,480
Speaker 2: mum always had this rule that her and my dad

440
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:40,119
Speaker 2: needed to meet anyone who stayed over, so like boyfriends

441
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:43,120
Speaker 2: and such. I guess she did kind of meet him

442
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:45,679
Speaker 2: in a strange way, but yeah, it was embarrassing and

443
00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:48,040
Speaker 2: it felt like this weird curtain that you have around

444
00:25:48,119 --> 00:25:51,440
Speaker 2: your private life is like pulled aside, and it's kind

445
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:55,600
Speaker 2: of ghastly. And it can also lead to some intrusive questions,

446
00:25:56,080 --> 00:26:00,080
Speaker 2: which I think is just sometimes our parents attempting to

447
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:04,320
Speaker 2: connect with us, but it feels really awkward and embarrassing,

448
00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:07,560
Speaker 2: and there can also be judgment within that. If your

449
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:11,560
Speaker 2: parent's attitude to dating is also different to yours, which

450
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:15,399
Speaker 2: I think generationally is bound to happen, they might not

451
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:21,440
Speaker 2: understand more modern dating practices like cooking up like situationships

452
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:24,840
Speaker 2: like one night stands, friends with benefits, or maybe they

453
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:27,800
Speaker 2: do understand it, and that's the problem. They know that

454
00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:31,280
Speaker 2: what might be taking place is transactional and it's an

455
00:26:31,359 --> 00:26:34,760
Speaker 2: uncomfortable mutual acknowledgment at that stage. All of this comes

456
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:39,240
Speaker 2: down to, once again the innate child parent relationship dynamic.

457
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:42,680
Speaker 2: That's what's playing out in this situation as we seek

458
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:47,160
Speaker 2: opportunities to redefine ourselves, to expand our personal lives through

459
00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:50,680
Speaker 2: our relationships, to make our lives our own, to kind

460
00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:54,879
Speaker 2: of create new values for ourselves, new environments. Whatever it is,

461
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,600
Speaker 2: our childhood environment remains the same, and it remains the

462
00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:01,639
Speaker 2: environment that we're in. So I think that is a

463
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:05,240
Speaker 2: big adjustment, especially if you've moved back home after independent living.

464
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:07,560
Speaker 2: It's a bit like a yoyo right, like you've gone

465
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:10,200
Speaker 2: the full length of independence. You've reached the full limit

466
00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:14,280
Speaker 2: of what it means to live independently, right to the

467
00:27:14,359 --> 00:27:17,080
Speaker 2: end of the string. You've adjusted to the sense of

468
00:27:17,119 --> 00:27:19,240
Speaker 2: liberation and freedom and choice, and then you're kind of

469
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:22,760
Speaker 2: pulled or you'oyed back, And that reverse adjustment is a

470
00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:25,320
Speaker 2: lot harder because you know what's out there, you know

471
00:27:25,359 --> 00:27:27,840
Speaker 2: the grass is actually greener, and you live with this

472
00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:32,040
Speaker 2: realistic comparison between living I don't want to say living alone.

473
00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:34,719
Speaker 2: You could be living with roommates, but living independently and

474
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:39,040
Speaker 2: living with family. I think, whatever your situation, co habiting

475
00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:42,600
Speaker 2: with your parents is obviously a scale. Some people I

476
00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:45,879
Speaker 2: spoke to loved it. We're going to talk about that

477
00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:48,280
Speaker 2: in a minute. But the main factor that seemed to

478
00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:52,159
Speaker 2: determine enjoyment versus dissatisfaction is the type of parents that

479
00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:55,880
Speaker 2: you have and your relationship with them. Parents who were

480
00:27:56,000 --> 00:28:00,000
Speaker 2: strict or controlling in childhood, who are so called helicops

481
00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:02,919
Speaker 2: to parents, are probably not going to grow out of

482
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:06,919
Speaker 2: that because I think a part of their makeup is

483
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:11,760
Speaker 2: this sense of neurosis, this sense of needing control and

484
00:28:11,880 --> 00:28:15,080
Speaker 2: authority and to be in charge, and that part of

485
00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:17,760
Speaker 2: who they are, that part of their personality does not

486
00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:22,720
Speaker 2: disappear as their children get older. That makes it especially

487
00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:25,560
Speaker 2: hard to seek out freedom in a cohabitation situation with

488
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:28,639
Speaker 2: your parents, or to even have a fruitful conversation about

489
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:30,760
Speaker 2: what needs to change to ensure you guys have a

490
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:37,280
Speaker 2: positive relationship, because they're not really open to discussion, right,

491
00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:41,680
Speaker 2: And that may have been the case always. Perhaps they

492
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:45,480
Speaker 2: just never really got you. They didn't respect your identity,

493
00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:48,840
Speaker 2: they didn't really respect what you were doing, what you

494
00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:51,920
Speaker 2: wanted to do in your life, your decisions. So that

495
00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:55,160
Speaker 2: creates attention, and it creates conflict that is heightened in

496
00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:58,760
Speaker 2: close quarters whereby each of you is trying to enforce

497
00:28:58,800 --> 00:29:01,640
Speaker 2: your view and stand your ground and no one's willing

498
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:04,200
Speaker 2: to shift. And I think that that doesn't happen when

499
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:06,720
Speaker 2: you don't live with them. It might happen to some extent,

500
00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:09,440
Speaker 2: but they don't know everything that's going on. They don't

501
00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:13,120
Speaker 2: have as many opportunities for contact to say what they think,

502
00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:15,520
Speaker 2: even if it's not what you want to hear. They

503
00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:18,920
Speaker 2: don't have as many opportunities to be intrusive. So I

504
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:22,920
Speaker 2: think that that's a really common thing that happens, whereby

505
00:29:23,560 --> 00:29:27,800
Speaker 2: it feels oppressive almost to have their constant not a judgment,

506
00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:32,760
Speaker 2: but their constant opinion. And they may also kind of

507
00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:35,880
Speaker 2: engage in a bit of guilt tripping. They made lord

508
00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:38,520
Speaker 2: things over you. That's a really common thing when we

509
00:29:38,560 --> 00:29:40,120
Speaker 2: live at home. You know you need to do this

510
00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:43,000
Speaker 2: for me because you live under my roof. I paid

511
00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:45,320
Speaker 2: for this, so you should show this house and respect.

512
00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:47,600
Speaker 2: You should do this. You should come home before twelve.

513
00:29:48,360 --> 00:29:50,120
Speaker 2: They have the power because they own the home, and

514
00:29:50,160 --> 00:29:54,200
Speaker 2: this kind of guilt tripping is a form of manipulation,

515
00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:58,040
Speaker 2: even if it's implicit, even if they don't understand that's

516
00:29:58,080 --> 00:30:00,880
Speaker 2: what they're doing. Maybe because you, your parents don't have

517
00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:04,880
Speaker 2: the skills or the language to assertively communicate their feelings,

518
00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:10,160
Speaker 2: and so they resort to implicitly controlling your actions through guilt,

519
00:30:10,440 --> 00:30:14,640
Speaker 2: and it leaves both people feeling terrible. It leaves you

520
00:30:14,720 --> 00:30:17,760
Speaker 2: feeling terrible, It leaves them actually not saying what they mean.

521
00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:20,840
Speaker 2: And they've looked into this. There was a study done

522
00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:24,240
Speaker 2: in twenty thirteen, a study done in twenty fourteen that

523
00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:29,880
Speaker 2: confirmed the initial findings that when guilt tripping happens frequently

524
00:30:29,960 --> 00:30:33,640
Speaker 2: in a parent child relationship, it leads to resentment, and

525
00:30:33,680 --> 00:30:38,240
Speaker 2: it leads to a loss of closeness and intimacy, and

526
00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:41,640
Speaker 2: it leads you feeling like you need to get away,

527
00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:44,840
Speaker 2: that you don't want to come back. There can also

528
00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:47,360
Speaker 2: just be this elevated sense of conflict, right like we

529
00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:50,640
Speaker 2: were talking about with them giving out their opinion. You

530
00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:54,280
Speaker 2: feel very stuck because you don't have the distance that

531
00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:57,880
Speaker 2: people who live out of home have. And I think

532
00:30:57,960 --> 00:31:00,920
Speaker 2: that sometimes it can be very revealing of a lot

533
00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:05,400
Speaker 2: of repressed childhood trauma or missteps or resentment that is

534
00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:08,320
Speaker 2: bound to come up in such close quarters. It's just

535
00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:11,440
Speaker 2: that now you have the adult understanding of your experiences

536
00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:14,800
Speaker 2: and the adult rationality to note that, like your parents

537
00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:17,720
Speaker 2: probably may have been in the wrong to see what

538
00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:22,200
Speaker 2: occurred that could have could have been done better, and

539
00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:24,880
Speaker 2: your parents are not going to see it the same way.

540
00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:28,600
Speaker 2: So it's just this like it can often promote, like

541
00:31:28,640 --> 00:31:35,959
Speaker 2: this rehashing of negative, difficult behavioral patterns between you and

542
00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:39,400
Speaker 2: your mum and your dad and your caregiver. That there

543
00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:43,360
Speaker 2: has been no circuit breaker, there has been no psychological

544
00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:47,160
Speaker 2: separation to stop this from occurring. Again. I just think

545
00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:50,480
Speaker 2: this goes to show how your relationship with your parents

546
00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:53,640
Speaker 2: can become strained when you live under the same roof.

547
00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:57,120
Speaker 2: Because we're not able to assert or practice our independence.

548
00:31:57,720 --> 00:32:01,320
Speaker 2: We still feel childlike, we still feel duck. Our relationships

549
00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:04,680
Speaker 2: may suffer, but sometimes maybe it's worth it to you

550
00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:07,760
Speaker 2: to save some money, to not drown in debt, to

551
00:32:07,840 --> 00:32:10,920
Speaker 2: have housing stability. And one part of it that we

552
00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:14,640
Speaker 2: haven't discussed is that there are benefits. Some people just

553
00:32:14,800 --> 00:32:17,920
Speaker 2: really like living with their parents, and I think that

554
00:32:17,920 --> 00:32:20,840
Speaker 2: that is also just a completely valid perspective that I'm

555
00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:24,120
Speaker 2: going to talk about after this shortbreak. We're also going

556
00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:27,680
Speaker 2: to talk about some tips to cope, how to assert boundaries,

557
00:32:27,760 --> 00:32:30,640
Speaker 2: how to get the most out of this situation. We

558
00:32:30,680 --> 00:32:38,880
Speaker 2: will be back shortly. If fifty of twenty something year

559
00:32:38,920 --> 00:32:41,840
Speaker 2: olds are living at home, I don't think all fifty

560
00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:46,200
Speaker 2: percent are struggling, because there are definitely some perks beyond

561
00:32:46,280 --> 00:32:50,240
Speaker 2: just lessening, you know, our financial anxiety or for temporary housing.

562
00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:53,200
Speaker 2: There are people who I know, who I'm friends with,

563
00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:57,400
Speaker 2: who actively choose this lifestyle and living arrangement, even if

564
00:32:57,400 --> 00:32:59,720
Speaker 2: they can afford to do otherwise, even if they have

565
00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:04,040
Speaker 2: all available opportunities to live out of home again. I

566
00:33:04,080 --> 00:33:06,760
Speaker 2: wanted to hear from you, guys the listeners, about your

567
00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:10,360
Speaker 2: experience with this, and you came through. You provided some

568
00:33:10,400 --> 00:33:16,040
Speaker 2: really fascinating insights. A big benefit that was spoken about

569
00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:19,000
Speaker 2: is knowing that you're always going to have a support

570
00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:22,880
Speaker 2: system and someone to turn to for comfort. That is

571
00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:26,040
Speaker 2: something a lot of us lack in our twenties when

572
00:33:26,080 --> 00:33:30,680
Speaker 2: we do feel especially disconnected and lonely. Having someone who

573
00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:35,360
Speaker 2: is always around is a blessing is really special, especially

574
00:33:35,400 --> 00:33:38,200
Speaker 2: if you're struggling mentally after a breakup or because of

575
00:33:38,200 --> 00:33:42,200
Speaker 2: a mental health condition, or if you're chronically ill or sick.

576
00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:45,520
Speaker 2: I do think that that is a massive pro of

577
00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:49,120
Speaker 2: living with your parents in your twenties, And honestly, I

578
00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:51,960
Speaker 2: love being baby by my mum. Sometimes when she comes

579
00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:54,480
Speaker 2: to town, it feels really good to kind of switch

580
00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:56,960
Speaker 2: off a part of my brain that is adult, because

581
00:33:56,960 --> 00:34:00,000
Speaker 2: I suddenly have like my protector here, I have someone else,

582
00:34:00,360 --> 00:34:03,280
Speaker 2: I have someone wiser, someone who's definitely going to pay

583
00:34:03,320 --> 00:34:07,320
Speaker 2: for dinner. Some of you people also said that you

584
00:34:07,360 --> 00:34:11,040
Speaker 2: are actually really good friends with your parents, which actually

585
00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:13,799
Speaker 2: tends to occur more the older we get. So there's

586
00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:16,680
Speaker 2: been some research on this that shows that our level

587
00:34:16,719 --> 00:34:19,960
Speaker 2: of contact and connection with our parents tends to dip

588
00:34:20,040 --> 00:34:23,640
Speaker 2: around twenty to twenty five, but then steadily rises thereafter

589
00:34:24,480 --> 00:34:27,080
Speaker 2: that dip, and they do say sometimes begins much earlier,

590
00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:30,919
Speaker 2: around seventeen, but seventeen to twenty five is like when

591
00:34:30,960 --> 00:34:33,560
Speaker 2: we most likely see it. It's a large range, but

592
00:34:34,200 --> 00:34:37,080
Speaker 2: most of us will fall into it. That dip is

593
00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:41,480
Speaker 2: probably attributable to the need for distance in early adulthood

594
00:34:41,480 --> 00:34:45,000
Speaker 2: to form an identity that is separate from our caregivers.

595
00:34:45,200 --> 00:34:49,320
Speaker 2: But I think we do truly appreciate how valuable family

596
00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:52,880
Speaker 2: is as we get older, how helpful they are. Living

597
00:34:52,920 --> 00:34:55,440
Speaker 2: with our parents can be quite special because we do

598
00:34:55,520 --> 00:34:58,200
Speaker 2: have a deep connection that we can nourish and which

599
00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:00,919
Speaker 2: can bring us a lot of comfort, especially as they're

600
00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:03,120
Speaker 2: getting older. I think there is a sense of like

601
00:35:03,719 --> 00:35:05,520
Speaker 2: I don't want to miss out on this time because

602
00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:07,640
Speaker 2: we become more acutely aware that we're not going to

603
00:35:07,680 --> 00:35:10,919
Speaker 2: have them forever. If you have kids as well, there's

604
00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:13,160
Speaker 2: such a great help heard from a few people who

605
00:35:13,760 --> 00:35:17,280
Speaker 2: were single mothers, and honestly, I admire you guys so much.

606
00:35:17,800 --> 00:35:20,799
Speaker 2: I'm sure parents are a really great help, a godsend

607
00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:23,640
Speaker 2: at times. And it just comes down to the sharing

608
00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:27,280
Speaker 2: of responsibilities, you know, living in a house by yourself,

609
00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:30,040
Speaker 2: even with other people. I don't think we kind of

610
00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:33,279
Speaker 2: appreciate how much work. It is, Like I really was

611
00:35:33,320 --> 00:35:37,719
Speaker 2: not grateful enough for what my parents did for me

612
00:35:37,840 --> 00:35:41,279
Speaker 2: back then, in terms of paying bills, keeping on top

613
00:35:41,320 --> 00:35:45,600
Speaker 2: of cleaning, keeping on top of maintenance, keeping on top

614
00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:47,960
Speaker 2: of laundry, keeping on top of just like the most

615
00:35:48,040 --> 00:35:50,919
Speaker 2: randomst things, locking the door, Like, there is a lot

616
00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:52,720
Speaker 2: to be done, and I think that when we share

617
00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:55,879
Speaker 2: that responsibility there is obviously less of a burden on us.

618
00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:58,960
Speaker 2: And just like a sense of community and belonging that

619
00:35:59,600 --> 00:36:01,480
Speaker 2: we don't, you know, we tend to stray from in

620
00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:04,760
Speaker 2: our early twenties. It's like an unconditional love that money

621
00:36:04,760 --> 00:36:08,960
Speaker 2: really can't buy. So what do we do to make

622
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:11,359
Speaker 2: this experience more pros than cons. What are some of

623
00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:16,040
Speaker 2: the behavioral, psychological, emotional strategies for getting the most out

624
00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:18,359
Speaker 2: of this time. Even if this is not your first

625
00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:21,279
Speaker 2: choice for a living situation, you can make it better.

626
00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:23,200
Speaker 2: And I want to talk about six tips to help

627
00:36:23,239 --> 00:36:26,600
Speaker 2: you manage. So. The first one is to actually keep

628
00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:30,200
Speaker 2: your parents updated on your life. I do believe that

629
00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:33,400
Speaker 2: a lot of like the inquisitiveness, the curiosity, what feels

630
00:36:33,520 --> 00:36:37,279
Speaker 2: like intrusiveness, comes down to them just wanting to know you,

631
00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:40,799
Speaker 2: and so make it so that they are not surprised.

632
00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:44,680
Speaker 2: I think that creates tension when they're used to having, like,

633
00:36:44,719 --> 00:36:46,920
Speaker 2: you know, they plan to have this house by themselves

634
00:36:46,920 --> 00:36:49,680
Speaker 2: once they were past a certain age for their children

635
00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:53,520
Speaker 2: to leave the nest. I guess it is like the

636
00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:56,919
Speaker 2: best way to put it. And so you still being

637
00:36:56,920 --> 00:36:58,960
Speaker 2: there makes them feel like they still have some kind

638
00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:01,960
Speaker 2: of right to know what's going on. So invite them

639
00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:04,239
Speaker 2: in so they don't feel like they have to force

640
00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:07,759
Speaker 2: themselves in through opinion and judgment. Whether that is telling

641
00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:10,840
Speaker 2: them about your dating life in not as much detail

642
00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:13,360
Speaker 2: but in some detail, or about your friends, or about

643
00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:16,440
Speaker 2: how work is going. I think that that just creates

644
00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:21,000
Speaker 2: open channels for communication, and it stops them from feeling like, Oh,

645
00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:23,160
Speaker 2: you're just they're eating my food, you're ungrateful, You're not

646
00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:25,879
Speaker 2: coming to me for the emotional support that I think

647
00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:28,520
Speaker 2: they do kind of want to offer. The other thing

648
00:37:28,560 --> 00:37:31,600
Speaker 2: is to articulate boundaries. I feel like everyone knows this,

649
00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:34,719
Speaker 2: but sometimes we're not great at knowing when to set

650
00:37:34,719 --> 00:37:37,319
Speaker 2: a boundary and about what right, Like, we know we

651
00:37:37,360 --> 00:37:40,440
Speaker 2: feel uncomfortable, but we're not sure what kind of behavior

652
00:37:40,480 --> 00:37:45,200
Speaker 2: would prevent that level of uncomfortableness and distress from happening.

653
00:37:45,960 --> 00:37:47,920
Speaker 2: The best way to tell when a boundary needs to

654
00:37:47,920 --> 00:37:51,200
Speaker 2: be set is by noticing your feelings and when something

655
00:37:51,239 --> 00:37:53,719
Speaker 2: You can feel something in your body when you feel uncomfortable,

656
00:37:54,040 --> 00:37:55,960
Speaker 2: that is your brain telling you that something needs to

657
00:37:56,000 --> 00:38:00,719
Speaker 2: be fixed or rectified. That is your best alarm system there. So,

658
00:38:00,800 --> 00:38:05,399
Speaker 2: what about that moment the words said the situation made

659
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:08,839
Speaker 2: you feel upset, made you feel angry, made you feel frustrated.

660
00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:11,520
Speaker 2: Was it because they crossed a line in terms of

661
00:38:11,560 --> 00:38:14,480
Speaker 2: like asking about your personal life? Was it because they

662
00:38:14,520 --> 00:38:16,920
Speaker 2: guilt tripped you? Was it because they asked you to

663
00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:19,640
Speaker 2: do something that you didn't want to do. Once you

664
00:38:19,680 --> 00:38:22,560
Speaker 2: can articulate what it is that made you uncomfortable. Then

665
00:38:22,600 --> 00:38:25,400
Speaker 2: you can set a boundary, not before you have to

666
00:38:25,440 --> 00:38:28,000
Speaker 2: actually know what it was that was frustrating, what it

667
00:38:28,080 --> 00:38:30,960
Speaker 2: was that made you angry. You need to express that

668
00:38:31,080 --> 00:38:34,640
Speaker 2: boundary before it can have effect. It might be like, Hey,

669
00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:36,600
Speaker 2: I don't want you to speak to me like that.

670
00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:39,879
Speaker 2: I'm not a child anymore, so when we're having conversations,

671
00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:42,160
Speaker 2: please speak to me as you would speak to one

672
00:38:42,200 --> 00:38:44,960
Speaker 2: of your friends, or to you know, my dad, or

673
00:38:44,960 --> 00:38:48,640
Speaker 2: to my mum. Or it might be hey, like, actually,

674
00:38:49,680 --> 00:38:51,680
Speaker 2: I understand that I'm living under your rooth, but I'm

675
00:38:51,719 --> 00:38:54,239
Speaker 2: still an adult and I don't need to curve for you.

676
00:38:54,320 --> 00:38:55,839
Speaker 2: I don't need you to tell me what to do.

677
00:38:56,560 --> 00:39:01,239
Speaker 2: Can we have some respect around me to live independently?

678
00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:04,200
Speaker 2: I think it takes courage to do that, but it

679
00:39:04,200 --> 00:39:07,440
Speaker 2: will improve your life. And just even speaking about what

680
00:39:07,560 --> 00:39:10,200
Speaker 2: it is that's upset you does allow you to come

681
00:39:10,239 --> 00:39:12,800
Speaker 2: back and reference that and say like, Hey, we talked

682
00:39:12,800 --> 00:39:15,960
Speaker 2: about this, and we spoke about the consequences of what

683
00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:19,759
Speaker 2: would happen if this wasn't fixed. Which outcome would you? Like? Here,

684
00:39:20,080 --> 00:39:21,840
Speaker 2: do you want the outcome where I move out and

685
00:39:21,880 --> 00:39:26,120
Speaker 2: we don't speak anymore, or where our relationship is incredibly tense,

686
00:39:26,880 --> 00:39:28,360
Speaker 2: or do you want the outcome where we do have

687
00:39:28,480 --> 00:39:31,319
Speaker 2: open channels of communication and we can speak about this

688
00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:36,560
Speaker 2: like adults rather than like I'm still a child. This

689
00:39:36,600 --> 00:39:38,640
Speaker 2: also leads me to my next tip. When you fight,

690
00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:42,279
Speaker 2: don't go down and stay high. I understand as we

691
00:39:42,360 --> 00:39:44,879
Speaker 2: spoke about it's very easy to regress and become quite

692
00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:49,080
Speaker 2: childlike in conflict with our parents. This is your reminder

693
00:39:49,080 --> 00:39:52,600
Speaker 2: to be calm, to take a break, take a step back,

694
00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:56,480
Speaker 2: go for a walk, and to not let your parents

695
00:39:56,560 --> 00:39:58,400
Speaker 2: put you in the position where you feel like you

696
00:39:58,480 --> 00:40:01,919
Speaker 2: need to be emotionally immature. They might be very high.

697
00:40:01,960 --> 00:40:04,120
Speaker 2: I don't know. I feel like sometimes parents can be

698
00:40:04,239 --> 00:40:07,319
Speaker 2: very much like up on their high horse, very much like, oh,

699
00:40:07,360 --> 00:40:10,920
Speaker 2: you don't understand, dismissive. That's really freaking angry when you

700
00:40:10,960 --> 00:40:13,880
Speaker 2: feel like you are still an independent person. So don't

701
00:40:14,000 --> 00:40:16,120
Speaker 2: let them put you into a place where you confirm

702
00:40:16,200 --> 00:40:18,239
Speaker 2: that you are still a child, where you confirm that

703
00:40:18,239 --> 00:40:22,239
Speaker 2: you are not able to have constructive conversations with them.

704
00:40:23,280 --> 00:40:25,520
Speaker 2: So these next two I think are really practical. The

705
00:40:25,520 --> 00:40:28,000
Speaker 2: first one is to take on some adult responsibilities in

706
00:40:28,040 --> 00:40:30,759
Speaker 2: the house, so you don't feel like you've lost control

707
00:40:31,080 --> 00:40:34,120
Speaker 2: over your environment, that you're not doing something, not acting

708
00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:37,759
Speaker 2: to maintain a home and pay some rent, so that

709
00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:40,959
Speaker 2: you still feel like you have some rightful ownership over

710
00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:44,560
Speaker 2: your space and that you're contributing. Now, obviously a big

711
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:46,440
Speaker 2: factor that we spoke about was that we move in

712
00:40:46,480 --> 00:40:49,080
Speaker 2: with our parents. We stay home with our parents because

713
00:40:49,080 --> 00:40:50,640
Speaker 2: we can't afford to move out. So how can we

714
00:40:50,680 --> 00:40:53,399
Speaker 2: afford to pay rent? I'm not saying pay the seven

715
00:40:53,520 --> 00:40:56,720
Speaker 2: fifty that's the average weekly rent in Sydney or whatever.

716
00:40:57,160 --> 00:41:01,399
Speaker 2: Pay like fifty bucks or put like twenty dollars where

717
00:41:01,440 --> 00:41:03,840
Speaker 2: you buy twenty dollars doesn't buy them any groceries anymore,

718
00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:05,279
Speaker 2: And no one hundred bucks where you buy all the

719
00:41:05,280 --> 00:41:07,680
Speaker 2: groceries for the week, So that you still feel like

720
00:41:07,719 --> 00:41:10,000
Speaker 2: there is a level of entitlement you have over this

721
00:41:10,080 --> 00:41:13,480
Speaker 2: space because you are making some kind of financial commitment

722
00:41:13,600 --> 00:41:17,279
Speaker 2: contribution that increases a sense of ownership for you, so

723
00:41:17,320 --> 00:41:19,799
Speaker 2: that this is you your space. You don't own it,

724
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:23,080
Speaker 2: but you're contributing to it, you have an investment in it.

725
00:41:24,360 --> 00:41:28,360
Speaker 2: Do things outside of the home. This one is probably

726
00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:32,279
Speaker 2: the most important of all of them. Don't let your

727
00:41:32,360 --> 00:41:36,759
Speaker 2: identity get tied up with being an adult who still

728
00:41:36,760 --> 00:41:39,319
Speaker 2: lives in your parents' house. Like, I know, sometimes it

729
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:43,600
Speaker 2: can feel kind of strange, maybe shameful, you know, maybe

730
00:41:43,600 --> 00:41:45,960
Speaker 2: not what you wanted. But that doesn't mean that you

731
00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:48,080
Speaker 2: can't still get the most out of your twenties, right

732
00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:51,560
Speaker 2: you should join a social club, a book club, late

733
00:41:51,640 --> 00:41:55,640
Speaker 2: night sport, volunteering, rock climbing. I think that these activities

734
00:41:55,680 --> 00:41:57,399
Speaker 2: allow you to feel like you still have a sense

735
00:41:57,440 --> 00:42:00,000
Speaker 2: of self outside of the home, that you can still

736
00:42:00,239 --> 00:42:02,839
Speaker 2: be free, you can still be your own person, you

737
00:42:02,880 --> 00:42:06,080
Speaker 2: can still be you know, in this phase and this

738
00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:11,560
Speaker 2: chapter of exploration and like journeying into adulthood beyond the

739
00:42:11,640 --> 00:42:15,919
Speaker 2: orbit of the family. That's really really valuable to keep

740
00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:18,440
Speaker 2: up a sense of, like keep up a sense of

741
00:42:18,520 --> 00:42:22,680
Speaker 2: like not independence, but a sense of engagement maybe with

742
00:42:22,920 --> 00:42:25,799
Speaker 2: the life that's going on around you and with other

743
00:42:25,840 --> 00:42:28,400
Speaker 2: people who are maybe living out at home, maybe aren't

744
00:42:28,920 --> 00:42:32,520
Speaker 2: just other people like our age. Put a lock on

745
00:42:32,560 --> 00:42:35,040
Speaker 2: your door, someone actually send this in. That's just like

746
00:42:35,080 --> 00:42:39,439
Speaker 2: a small assertion of privacy, right, Like, sometimes it's nice

747
00:42:39,440 --> 00:42:41,000
Speaker 2: to just know that Mum isn't going to like go

748
00:42:41,160 --> 00:42:44,200
Speaker 2: through your like naughty draw like when you're when you're

749
00:42:44,200 --> 00:42:46,920
Speaker 2: not at home. I understand if it's a rental property,

750
00:42:46,920 --> 00:42:50,080
Speaker 2: that might be harder, but you can get a removable

751
00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:54,040
Speaker 2: lock that you can take off before the lease expires.

752
00:42:54,560 --> 00:42:56,840
Speaker 2: Just some way to assert that, like this is my space.

753
00:42:56,920 --> 00:42:59,920
Speaker 2: Like we said, personal space is a vital a cycle,

754
00:43:00,040 --> 00:43:03,799
Speaker 2: logically very vital the older we get, so that's really

755
00:43:03,880 --> 00:43:07,200
Speaker 2: valuable to like assert that, like this is my oasis,

756
00:43:07,239 --> 00:43:10,040
Speaker 2: this is sacred to me. I can use this space

757
00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:15,439
Speaker 2: as my own and finally have some productive check ins

758
00:43:15,480 --> 00:43:18,480
Speaker 2: with your parents, with your family, the same way you

759
00:43:18,520 --> 00:43:21,960
Speaker 2: would have check ins with roommates. Right, living under one

760
00:43:22,040 --> 00:43:26,520
Speaker 2: roof people cohabitating is a melting pot is a like

761
00:43:27,160 --> 00:43:30,600
Speaker 2: a kindling for conflict, Like something is going to go

762
00:43:30,719 --> 00:43:35,600
Speaker 2: wrong because everyone has different preferences, different ways of expressing

763
00:43:35,600 --> 00:43:39,400
Speaker 2: their emotions, expressing their needs, different stress is going on

764
00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:43,000
Speaker 2: in their life that might be triggered or you know,

765
00:43:43,719 --> 00:43:47,440
Speaker 2: kind of broken by someone else's just doing something small. Right,

766
00:43:47,480 --> 00:43:49,480
Speaker 2: it's the straw that breaks the camels back, as the

767
00:43:49,560 --> 00:43:52,560
Speaker 2: saying goes, So you do actually need to still be

768
00:43:52,600 --> 00:43:55,720
Speaker 2: actively communicating about what's going on in each other's lives,

769
00:43:56,160 --> 00:43:57,920
Speaker 2: what needs to be done, around the house so that

770
00:43:57,960 --> 00:44:00,200
Speaker 2: there isn't a level of resentment that builds up up

771
00:44:00,280 --> 00:44:03,759
Speaker 2: and spills over what people are dissatisfied about. Should there

772
00:44:03,800 --> 00:44:06,880
Speaker 2: be a cleaning roster, not to turn it into a sharehouse.

773
00:44:06,920 --> 00:44:09,960
Speaker 2: But I think the secret to any good relationship is

774
00:44:10,080 --> 00:44:13,560
Speaker 2: really just having the guts to just be like, this

775
00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:15,920
Speaker 2: is uncomfortable, but we're going to talk about it anyways.

776
00:44:16,360 --> 00:44:19,319
Speaker 2: Because it's like a really painful massage. You know you're

777
00:44:19,360 --> 00:44:21,760
Speaker 2: going to feel better. You know that the future outcome

778
00:44:22,200 --> 00:44:24,880
Speaker 2: is going to be a lot more enjoyable. I think

779
00:44:25,080 --> 00:44:28,479
Speaker 2: living at home with your parents in your twenties takes

780
00:44:28,520 --> 00:44:31,239
Speaker 2: a bit of courage. It definitely takes a lot of

781
00:44:31,280 --> 00:44:35,480
Speaker 2: emotional regulation, and it takes effort. It takes effort to

782
00:44:35,520 --> 00:44:39,560
Speaker 2: still feel like you are independent and free and living

783
00:44:39,600 --> 00:44:43,080
Speaker 2: your best life. So I really hope that you enjoyed

784
00:44:43,080 --> 00:44:46,640
Speaker 2: this episode. I really enjoyed exploring this because I do

785
00:44:46,760 --> 00:44:49,560
Speaker 2: believe that our living situation and our relationship with our

786
00:44:49,600 --> 00:44:53,040
Speaker 2: parents are two of the most significant contributors to our

787
00:44:53,080 --> 00:44:58,480
Speaker 2: mental wellbeing and early or emerging adulthood, especially when they intertwine,

788
00:44:58,560 --> 00:45:01,399
Speaker 2: especially when they interact. I want to hear more about

789
00:45:01,440 --> 00:45:04,719
Speaker 2: your experiences if there's something we've missed, please reach out.

790
00:45:05,120 --> 00:45:08,279
Speaker 2: This is such a fascinating area of research, especially as

791
00:45:08,280 --> 00:45:12,759
Speaker 2: we're seeing cohabitation rise, we're seeing young adults move back

792
00:45:12,800 --> 00:45:15,880
Speaker 2: more frequently. I think it all points to a broader

793
00:45:16,280 --> 00:45:19,960
Speaker 2: societal shift in which it's hard for twenty somethings to

794
00:45:20,000 --> 00:45:23,040
Speaker 2: be as independent as our parents were. And that's not

795
00:45:23,120 --> 00:45:25,239
Speaker 2: to say that we don't want to be right. It's

796
00:45:25,400 --> 00:45:29,680
Speaker 2: because of a whole range of factors like finances, like

797
00:45:30,000 --> 00:45:34,759
Speaker 2: cost of living that interact with our personhood and interact

798
00:45:34,800 --> 00:45:37,759
Speaker 2: with the decisions that we are able to make. So

799
00:45:37,800 --> 00:45:40,480
Speaker 2: I really hope you enjoyed this episode. I hope that

800
00:45:40,560 --> 00:45:44,239
Speaker 2: you learned something. I hope that it improves your living situation,

801
00:45:44,840 --> 00:45:47,640
Speaker 2: it helps you redefine your relationship with your parents, whatever

802
00:45:47,680 --> 00:45:50,520
Speaker 2: it may be. As always, if there is someone who

803
00:45:50,520 --> 00:45:53,160
Speaker 2: you think needs to hear this episode, maybe not your parents,

804
00:45:53,239 --> 00:45:56,279
Speaker 2: maybe your friend or someone like that, please feel free

805
00:45:56,280 --> 00:45:58,160
Speaker 2: to share it with them. That is the main way

806
00:45:58,200 --> 00:46:01,600
Speaker 2: that this show grows and reaches more people. Make sure

807
00:46:01,640 --> 00:46:04,640
Speaker 2: you're following. You never know when a new episode might

808
00:46:04,680 --> 00:46:06,440
Speaker 2: be one that you really need to hear, and it

809
00:46:06,440 --> 00:46:08,480
Speaker 2: pops up on your feed and I don't know, it

810
00:46:08,560 --> 00:46:11,400
Speaker 2: becomes part of your day, So hit the follow button

811
00:46:11,400 --> 00:46:14,759
Speaker 2: if you're on Spotify and subscribe I think. If you're

812
00:46:14,760 --> 00:46:16,719
Speaker 2: on Apple, I really need to brush up on my

813
00:46:17,440 --> 00:46:21,040
Speaker 2: podcasting app knowledge. And if you have an episode suggestion,

814
00:46:21,120 --> 00:46:23,239
Speaker 2: if you want to contribute more to this conversation, of

815
00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:25,359
Speaker 2: course I would love to hear from you. You can

816
00:46:25,440 --> 00:46:28,560
Speaker 2: reach out to us at that Psychology Podcast on Instagram

817
00:46:28,920 --> 00:46:32,160
Speaker 2: and as always, we will be back next week. Stay

818
00:46:32,200 --> 00:46:34,560
Speaker 2: safe and be kind to yourself until then.