WEBVTT - You've Got Decisions: Do I Dump His A**? 0:00:01.710 --> 0:00:04.340 If you would like to have us answer your questions, 0:00:04.640 --> 0:00:07.960 if you have a terrible job, a terrible boyfriend, or 0:00:08.000 --> 0:00:08.760 a terrible. 0:00:08.460 --> 0:00:15.490 Thruffle, guess what? You've got decisions. You've got decisions. And 0:00:15.890 --> 0:00:16.810 I do too. 0:00:17.930 --> 0:00:18.550 Ba-doop-ba-doop. 0:00:19.690 --> 0:00:21.350 Welcome, guys, to another You Got. 0:00:21.230 --> 0:00:26.590 Decisions where we answer your questions, a.k.a. 0:00:26.690 --> 0:00:29.610 Home mail, a.k.a. whatever you want to call it. This 0:00:29.680 --> 0:00:33.080 is what that is. If you want to send yours in, send. 0:00:32.900 --> 0:00:37.460 It to decisionspod at gmail.com. 0:00:38.060 --> 0:00:39.300 Now, this week's is a. 0:00:39.300 --> 0:00:41.860 Little bit long. What's the subject? 0:00:42.620 --> 0:00:43.540 Do I dump his ass? 0:00:44.200 --> 0:00:44.980 Oh, so. 0:00:45.840 --> 0:00:47.060 We gonna see what he did. 0:00:47.080 --> 0:00:48.620 Maybe it's probably gonna be a year. 0:00:49.260 --> 0:00:51.400 But do I dump his ass? 0:00:51.680 --> 0:00:56.250 Again, if you have questions about your relationships, your friendships, 0:00:56.550 --> 0:01:00.710 your situationships, your workships, all the things, send it to 0:01:00.750 --> 0:01:02.990 decisionspod at gmail.com. 0:01:03.090 --> 0:01:03.450 Okay. 0:01:03.650 --> 0:01:05.670 I want to tell y'all before we get to this, 0:01:05.750 --> 0:01:07.089 just a little interesting thing. 0:01:07.190 --> 0:01:08.520 I don't know what this letter is. I haven't read 0:01:08.530 --> 0:01:08.780 it yet. 0:01:09.380 --> 0:01:11.660 Do I dump his ass was a hour and a 0:01:11.680 --> 0:01:12.720 half call I had with a friend. 0:01:12.740 --> 0:01:14.440 And this is why. 0:01:14.319 --> 0:01:18.370 She wasn't ready to dump his ass. They've been dating 0:01:18.410 --> 0:01:20.330 about a year and a half. They have a big 0:01:20.390 --> 0:01:25.690 trip planned. That trip is going to last about two 0:01:25.709 --> 0:01:26.500 and a half weeks. 0:01:27.250 --> 0:01:27.390 No. 0:01:27.420 --> 0:01:28.899 This person doesn't want to fuck him anymore. 0:01:29.640 --> 0:01:31.619 This person hates being around him. 0:01:32.319 --> 0:01:34.520 And said to me, the trip is going to bring 0:01:34.580 --> 0:01:35.000 us back. 0:01:35.280 --> 0:01:36.600 I said, oh, the trip is going to. 0:01:36.580 --> 0:01:37.380 Make you leave early. 0:01:38.540 --> 0:01:40.160 The trip is going to make you waste your money. 0:01:40.620 --> 0:01:42.840 And she's like, well, I talked to my other friends. 0:01:42.970 --> 0:01:44.690 I was calling, oh, this would annoy me. You know 0:01:44.709 --> 0:01:47.990 when somebody don't like what you said? I was actually 0:01:48.030 --> 0:01:48.889 just calling for an opinion. 0:01:48.950 --> 0:01:50.310 I don't need advice. Just an opinion. 0:01:50.370 --> 0:01:51.350 But I'm going to do what I want to do. 0:01:52.250 --> 0:01:55.870 I mean, that's why I stopped giving advice to everybody. Duh. 0:01:56.390 --> 0:01:56.670 Girl. 0:01:56.690 --> 0:01:58.610 So I was like, well, how much money can y'all 0:01:59.150 --> 0:02:01.490 get back or not get back? She's like, all the 0:02:01.550 --> 0:02:03.430 hotels can be refundable within the two weeks. We have 0:02:03.530 --> 0:02:06.250 one excursion that isn't. And our flights would be at e-credit. 0:02:06.530 --> 0:02:08.869 And I was like, what's the airline? Bitch, it was Delta. 0:02:09.110 --> 0:02:10.790 I said, girl, if y'all cancel that motherfucker. 0:02:11.910 --> 0:02:12.490 Why would you? 0:02:12.990 --> 0:02:14.090 Yeah, that's dumb. 0:02:15.660 --> 0:02:17.300 That's dumb. But she going to do what she want 0:02:17.320 --> 0:02:17.540 to do. 0:02:17.900 --> 0:02:20.579 I understand the thought process of like, you know how 0:02:20.620 --> 0:02:21.860 vacation is. 0:02:21.960 --> 0:02:22.760 Everything is refundable. 0:02:22.780 --> 0:02:23.380 No, no, no, no, no. 0:02:23.470 --> 0:02:25.930 Of thinking a vacation could mend. 0:02:26.230 --> 0:02:27.090 I understand that. 0:02:27.410 --> 0:02:29.030 No, I don't. You already know. 0:02:29.070 --> 0:02:31.210 I don't even like being around the niggas I love 0:02:31.250 --> 0:02:32.149 for more than four days. 0:02:32.710 --> 0:02:36.070 Like, that's it. Like, that's it. 0:02:36.780 --> 0:02:39.829 That's right. Mandy got a four day limit. Four day limit. 0:02:39.870 --> 0:02:42.030 What are you talking about? I wouldn't want to do 0:02:42.090 --> 0:02:44.130 two weeks with the love of my life. 0:02:44.290 --> 0:02:45.290 I literally asked her too. 0:02:45.310 --> 0:02:47.370 I was like, so if you go on this trip 0:02:47.490 --> 0:02:49.560 and it goes terrible, you guys get fucked up and 0:02:49.570 --> 0:02:52.460 you're like, you know what? This isn't for me. In 0:02:52.480 --> 0:02:53.700 the middle of those two weeks, are you going to 0:02:53.720 --> 0:02:56.320 stay in Asia? Are you going to just travel and 0:02:56.360 --> 0:02:59.060 be by yourself? And she's like, well, no, I'd come home. 0:02:59.139 --> 0:03:01.500 I'm like, then you're really wasting your money, bro. 0:03:01.970 --> 0:03:02.690 Yeah, that's dumb. 0:03:02.870 --> 0:03:06.530 Additionally, what I kind of tried to bring her back to. 0:03:06.550 --> 0:03:09.090 I don't know if you remember this. Maybe you do. 0:03:09.970 --> 0:03:11.649 I was supposed to go on a trip with Old Bay, 0:03:12.270 --> 0:03:15.130 New Year's 2022 to Panama. 0:03:15.990 --> 0:03:17.790 And I never got on the flight. Do you remember this? 0:03:18.620 --> 0:03:21.100 I don't think so. I think I thought you went 0:03:21.180 --> 0:03:23.260 on the trip still, but I don't know. 0:03:23.280 --> 0:03:25.639 So we were doing that trip as like a repair. 0:03:25.740 --> 0:03:28.600 It was 2021. We planned it early in December and 0:03:28.620 --> 0:03:29.419 we always went away. 0:03:29.310 --> 0:03:33.830 For New Year's and December 29th. I was at my 0:03:33.889 --> 0:03:37.430 mama house. We had just celebrated Christmas. I was, you know, 0:03:37.510 --> 0:03:39.270 getting Nina ready to be with her. 0:03:39.090 --> 0:03:41.450 Because I was about to leave. And I was checking 0:03:41.470 --> 0:03:43.680 in for that flight and my spirit was like, nah. 0:03:44.350 --> 0:03:46.060 I called him and it was a very short call 0:03:46.080 --> 0:03:48.280 because he didn't really want to talk to me. I said, 0:03:48.300 --> 0:03:51.700 I can't get on this plane. I said, I get 0:03:51.760 --> 0:03:53.800 anxiety getting on the phone with you. And I'm thinking 0:03:53.820 --> 0:03:55.400 that this trip is going to just fix it. I'm 0:03:55.420 --> 0:03:58.480 not even excited to go. He was very kind. He 0:03:58.520 --> 0:04:01.560 was like, yo, let's just enjoy the beach. At the 0:04:01.640 --> 0:04:03.760 core of it, we're friends. And we weren't, like, heavy 0:04:03.860 --> 0:04:06.740 arguing or anything. Let's just go on this trip we planned. 0:04:06.780 --> 0:04:09.120 I'm like, I can't go. And he went by himself. 0:04:11.360 --> 0:04:14.640 I felt bad, but. You are another bitch. No, no, no. 0:04:14.660 --> 0:04:16.300 He just fucked a bunch of prostitutes. You know my age. 0:04:16.380 --> 0:04:17.220 I mean, that too. 0:04:18.020 --> 0:04:18.359 Okay. 0:04:18.460 --> 0:04:21.900 You know, I wouldn't go on a vacation with a 0:04:21.940 --> 0:04:23.360 homegirl I was beefing with. 0:04:23.920 --> 0:04:25.800 Let alone a nigga. That I'm not a nigga. 0:04:25.820 --> 0:04:26.930 No, but you ain't fucking your homegirl. 0:04:27.050 --> 0:04:29.430 So I understand. I mean, I do fuck my homegirls, though. 0:04:30.310 --> 0:04:35.650 The ones you beef with? One of them. 0:04:35.750 --> 0:04:38.719 Yeah. Yeah, I have. That's what I'm saying. Indeed. 0:04:39.080 --> 0:04:40.800 Okay, fun. Go, go, go. Do I die? 0:04:40.820 --> 0:04:42.440 Well, let's get into the letter. 0:04:42.660 --> 0:04:43.780 Let's get into it. 0:04:44.300 --> 0:04:44.900 Hey, ladies. 0:04:45.080 --> 0:04:47.790 Appreciate you both for your expertise, advice. 0:04:47.930 --> 0:04:51.790 And humor. So basically, I'm a 31-year-old. 0:04:53.620 --> 0:04:58.200 Black woman and single mother in a coastal city who's. 0:04:58.100 --> 0:04:59.820 Figuring it out as I go. 0:04:59.839 --> 0:05:03.400 I've had shitty relationships, including a partner in the past 0:05:03.740 --> 0:05:06.920 who died during the pandemic. I've been to therapy, worked 0:05:06.960 --> 0:05:09.170 through my shit, and more recently was single for a 0:05:09.190 --> 0:05:11.870 little over a year until I met my boyfriend. 0:05:12.500 --> 0:05:14.120 He's a 32-year-old black. 0:05:13.900 --> 0:05:18.340 Man, 6'3, big dick, medium ugly, funny as fuck, and 0:05:18.400 --> 0:05:19.320 sucks when he cares. 0:05:19.720 --> 0:05:20.540 Not medium ugly. 0:05:20.779 --> 0:05:23.020 We relate to each other on so much, and I 0:05:23.060 --> 0:05:26.029 do appreciate his outlook on life and enjoy his company. 0:05:26.610 --> 0:05:28.250 He takes care of me, cooks for me, and just 0:05:28.290 --> 0:05:33.110 genuinely makes sure I'm good. But I'm noticing a pattern 0:05:33.550 --> 0:05:36.040 where he fails to show up for important days. 0:05:37.279 --> 0:05:38.690 My birthday was in February. 0:05:38.700 --> 0:05:41.630 It was my first birthday since our relationship started, so 0:05:41.670 --> 0:05:43.250 I figured he would do something sweet. 0:05:43.950 --> 0:05:49.530 I was feeling the need. 0:05:47.110 --> 0:05:51.080 To be solo on my birthday, so I made myself 0:05:51.100 --> 0:05:54.460 a solo dinner reservation at a nice restaurant. He asked 0:05:54.500 --> 0:05:56.740 if he could join me because we're foodies and love 0:05:56.820 --> 0:05:59.960 eating together. I figured he would at least bring flowers 0:06:00.000 --> 0:06:04.100 and a card and pay for the meal. Wrong. He 0:06:04.140 --> 0:06:06.740 tagged along, fucked up my plans because I had to 0:06:06.779 --> 0:06:10.540 rebook the reservation to accommodate two, which meant we got 0:06:10.580 --> 0:06:13.060 there shortly before the kitchen closed and they were out 0:06:13.080 --> 0:06:17.960 of everything I wanted. No card, no flowers, and he 0:06:17.980 --> 0:06:21.420 was going through a job transition and apparently couldn't pay, 0:06:21.980 --> 0:06:23.160 which he didn't tell me before. 0:06:23.720 --> 0:06:24.849 So I paid for both of us. 0:06:25.460 --> 0:06:27.850 To be fair, I guess the day before my birthday, 0:06:28.200 --> 0:06:30.350 he came over and cooked me dinner and on a 0:06:30.400 --> 0:06:32.469 CVS run together, he. 0:06:32.070 --> 0:06:33.610 Bought me a little dinky vibrator. 0:06:34.880 --> 0:06:37.080 Side note, my friends got me a birthday gift card 0:06:37.120 --> 0:06:39.550 to our local sex shop where I could buy myself 0:06:39.589 --> 0:06:40.570 a good quality vibe. 0:06:41.029 --> 0:06:41.810 Love them for that. 0:06:42.830 --> 0:06:45.310 I was pissed and had a serious conversation with him 0:06:45.710 --> 0:06:48.590 about why the fuck he would do that and took 0:06:48.650 --> 0:06:51.630 space so he could figure his shit out and if 0:06:51.690 --> 0:06:55.140 being in a relationship was even what he wanted. He 0:06:55.180 --> 0:06:57.320 made it up to me. We had a conversation and 0:06:57.360 --> 0:07:01.339 kept dating. That was my fuck up because the pattern continued. 0:07:02.300 --> 0:07:06.020 On Mother's Day, he didn't do shit for me. No card, 0:07:06.240 --> 0:07:08.920 no flowers. I was throwing a Mother's Day event at 0:07:08.980 --> 0:07:11.840 work that I organized. He showed up for 30 minutes 0:07:11.880 --> 0:07:15.660 before leaving to go to dinner with a friend. He 0:07:15.720 --> 0:07:18.400 said the dinner was pre-planned and he would make it 0:07:18.460 --> 0:07:20.900 up to me by booking us a spa trip that 0:07:20.960 --> 0:07:22.350 still hasn't happened. 0:07:22.700 --> 0:07:23.290 Strike two. 0:07:24.790 --> 0:07:26.750 This past weekend, I threw an event with a friend 0:07:26.790 --> 0:07:28.990 and although he had work, I was hoping he would 0:07:29.010 --> 0:07:31.650 stop by afterwards just to say hello and congratulate me. 0:07:32.250 --> 0:07:34.250 He didn't. He told me he was going to go 0:07:34.310 --> 0:07:38.850 play pool with a friend after work. Strike three. All right, 0:07:39.110 --> 0:07:40.290 now here we get to the question. 0:07:41.970 --> 0:07:44.830 I immediately told him I felt hurt that it seemed 0:07:44.890 --> 0:07:48.270 like my important days don't matter to him. 0:07:48.950 --> 0:07:49.800 We argued a bit. 0:07:50.390 --> 0:07:53.980 He told me I was scorekeeping in our relationship to 0:07:54.000 --> 0:07:57.320 the point it was making me jaded, and he asked 0:07:57.360 --> 0:08:01.650 me to be more forthcoming with my expectations. I told 0:08:01.690 --> 0:08:03.730 him I could do that for some things, but I 0:08:03.770 --> 0:08:06.570 wasn't going to inform him each time I want to 0:08:06.610 --> 0:08:09.750 be celebrated because that defeats the purpose of having people 0:08:09.810 --> 0:08:12.810 genuinely love and celebrate you without having to be told. 0:08:13.730 --> 0:08:15.270 Eventually, he admitted. 0:08:14.910 --> 0:08:18.040 That he fucked up on my birthday and Mother's Day, 0:08:18.390 --> 0:08:20.240 but not for the event because he didn't know I 0:08:20.260 --> 0:08:23.340 wanted him to come and that he doesn't celebrate himself, 0:08:23.740 --> 0:08:27.390 so he's not often thinking of celebrating others. He also 0:08:27.430 --> 0:08:29.330 told me that he feels like the time he spends 0:08:29.350 --> 0:08:32.590 with me and sometimes my daughter can be exhausting and 0:08:32.610 --> 0:08:36.020 that it clouds his judgment slash ability about showing up 0:08:36.160 --> 0:08:36.839 on big dates. 0:08:37.300 --> 0:08:38.079 Bullshit. 0:08:39.340 --> 0:08:42.280 He said he feels terrible and will do better going forward. 0:08:42.800 --> 0:08:45.900 That he needs more, some more clarity in my expectations 0:08:46.300 --> 0:08:47.650 and that he doesn't want to be the kind of 0:08:47.710 --> 0:08:51.590 guy who doesn't do shit for his girlfriend. So I've 0:08:51.610 --> 0:08:54.600 been thinking of dumping him since Monday. but it's hard 0:08:54.620 --> 0:08:57.040 for me to know when something is worth discussing and 0:08:57.100 --> 0:09:01.000 working through. I also high-key need him to help me 0:09:01.070 --> 0:09:04.050 move into my new apartment next weekend, so I'm hesitant 0:09:04.090 --> 0:09:04.949 to break up right now. 0:09:05.570 --> 0:09:08.650 Laughing. He was honest about his. 0:09:08.590 --> 0:09:11.390 Feeling, but I feel like maybe he doesn't have the 0:09:11.450 --> 0:09:15.290 fortitude to date someone like me. All my relationships have 0:09:15.309 --> 0:09:18.770 been ass. This is probably the healthiest one, and this 0:09:18.830 --> 0:09:20.950 is the only big issue we've run into. 0:09:21.290 --> 0:09:22.350 However, it's a pattern now. 0:09:22.920 --> 0:09:25.960 He's great, sweet, gentle, is principled, and has great dick, 0:09:26.420 --> 0:09:29.280 but also kind of an asshole in this regard. There 0:09:29.300 --> 0:09:31.040 have been other things I brought up in the past 0:09:31.280 --> 0:09:33.390 that we've talked through, and he genuinely did change his 0:09:33.429 --> 0:09:35.770 behavior and work toward compromise with me. 0:09:36.290 --> 0:09:39.230 So I know it's possible, but goddamn, is this what 0:09:39.250 --> 0:09:40.210 a relationship is like? 0:09:40.510 --> 0:09:44.460 So do I dump him, believe that he will improve, 0:09:45.100 --> 0:09:48.200 show him forgiveness, give it a few more months, or 0:09:48.320 --> 0:09:51.240 kick his ass to the curb? I love him, but 0:09:51.260 --> 0:09:53.330 I'm trying to practice loving myself more. 0:09:53.850 --> 0:09:54.610 Thanks, ladies. 0:09:56.120 --> 0:09:57.680 I don't know. 0:09:57.700 --> 0:09:59.320 Your face look like mine, so I don't know where 0:09:59.360 --> 0:10:01.720 you going with it. 0:10:01.740 --> 0:10:06.290 You and your daughter are exhausting. He's crazy. 0:10:06.690 --> 0:10:07.030 Oh, wow. 0:10:07.050 --> 0:10:10.650 You have a different thought than I do. Okay. 0:10:11.610 --> 0:10:12.390 No, no, no. 0:10:12.410 --> 0:10:12.469 Go. 0:10:12.890 --> 0:10:16.349 You think that that was the crazy part, him expressing 0:10:16.410 --> 0:10:20.150 that he, that she and her daughter are exhausted. 0:10:20.470 --> 0:10:20.949 Okay, go ahead. 0:10:22.530 --> 0:10:25.770 Okay, the thoughts I have within that are, I don't 0:10:25.830 --> 0:10:28.350 think it's fair to date people with children and then 0:10:28.530 --> 0:10:31.250 act like those children and that person being a parent 0:10:31.340 --> 0:10:32.319 is an inconvenience. 0:10:33.140 --> 0:10:34.579 I have friendships. 0:10:34.100 --> 0:10:38.420 Where women have become mothers during our friendship, and that 0:10:38.440 --> 0:10:40.660 has changed the dynamic of our friendship, but I would 0:10:40.700 --> 0:10:44.100 never call them inconveniencing or exhausting because I chose to 0:10:44.140 --> 0:10:44.939 be there as a friend. 0:10:46.000 --> 0:10:48.459 I don't think that... No, it's true. 0:10:48.580 --> 0:10:48.760 Like. 0:10:50.650 --> 0:10:53.280 It could be true to you. I disagree with that sentiment. 0:10:53.300 --> 0:10:54.559 I don't think you should. 0:10:54.440 --> 0:10:55.599 Date parents. 0:10:56.800 --> 0:11:00.339 Knowing what we know about how much work it takes 0:11:00.380 --> 0:11:03.059 to raise a kid and then suddenly be like, too 0:11:03.100 --> 0:11:06.000 much for me. Like, I just feel like that was 0:11:06.100 --> 0:11:08.280 kind of wrong. So that was actually the big jolt 0:11:08.340 --> 0:11:11.059 for me is like, you're adding up all the other shit. Like, 0:11:11.080 --> 0:11:13.939 I think I don't really butt with you and your kid. Like, 0:11:13.960 --> 0:11:15.740 he'd much rather be the only one here. 0:11:16.280 --> 0:11:19.090 Right? I disagree with that. Okay, but you go. Yeah, no, no, no. 0:11:20.530 --> 0:11:20.990 I hear you. 0:11:22.490 --> 0:11:26.910 Someone is able to say that they are exhausting or exhausted. 0:11:26.940 --> 0:11:30.500 I say it even when I went to my friend's 0:11:31.140 --> 0:11:35.420 birthday party. Everything's giving in Dallas. The family's large. 0:11:35.800 --> 0:11:38.160 There's kids. There's dogs. 0:11:38.420 --> 0:11:44.540 Someone's pets, someone that has a system or ecosystem that's 0:11:44.580 --> 0:11:47.240 different than what you're used to can absolutely, and it 0:11:47.360 --> 0:11:49.590 should be fair for me to share my experience My 0:11:49.650 --> 0:11:51.240 feeling is that it's exhausting. 0:11:51.850 --> 0:11:52.610 And it is. 0:11:52.710 --> 0:11:55.050 He chose to be there for Thanksgiving knowing there's a 0:11:55.070 --> 0:11:56.050 huge family, right? 0:11:56.070 --> 0:11:57.449 Because he wants to be. 0:11:57.350 --> 0:11:59.750 There for a year and a half. So, I mean, 0:12:00.690 --> 0:12:04.470 clearly he doesn't mind playing stepdaddy. But if I even 0:12:04.830 --> 0:12:07.679 get into a relationship with a man, being around their 0:12:07.740 --> 0:12:10.220 children could be exhausting. I don't think it's wrong to 0:12:10.600 --> 0:12:13.080 admit to that because that's how I feel in the moment. 0:12:13.400 --> 0:12:14.580 Maybe it's burden-esque. 0:12:14.780 --> 0:12:16.900 Like, I get the vibe that it's kind of like 0:12:17.000 --> 0:12:19.980 you're kind of making me feel like my lifestyle is 0:12:20.020 --> 0:12:21.620 too much for you and or a problem. 0:12:22.040 --> 0:12:23.819 That's how I took it. Okay. 0:12:24.320 --> 0:12:27.520 I think then that because you brought it up in 0:12:27.590 --> 0:12:30.130 this letter, I think that you need to have a 0:12:30.170 --> 0:12:33.069 deeper dive into what he means by that then. Because 0:12:33.090 --> 0:12:35.970 I do think that it's fair for anyone, especially someone 0:12:35.990 --> 0:12:39.910 with no kids, who now has to be a part 0:12:39.929 --> 0:12:43.270 of a relationship with a child. For that to be 0:12:43.309 --> 0:12:44.570 a common thing, I'm exhausted. 0:12:44.590 --> 0:12:46.949 I used to be a daddy, but now here I 0:12:47.090 --> 0:12:48.630 am being daddy for a year and a half. 0:12:49.550 --> 0:12:53.840 It's okay for people to... to talk about when they're disappointed. 0:12:53.880 --> 0:12:56.599 Like if she's able to share that she's disappointed and 0:12:56.620 --> 0:12:58.900 let down, I don't think it's wrong for him to 0:12:58.960 --> 0:13:01.650 admit that how he's now having to show up in 0:13:01.690 --> 0:13:04.630 this dynamic outside of just a partner, you and your 0:13:04.830 --> 0:13:06.210 being with you and your daughter. 0:13:06.050 --> 0:13:08.870 Is exhausting because he's now also showing up as a stepdad. 0:13:09.350 --> 0:13:09.670 Okay. 0:13:09.690 --> 0:13:13.400 So be that as it may showing up as a stepdad, 0:13:13.460 --> 0:13:17.780 let's just say he's exhausted or whatever. Are her expectations 0:13:17.940 --> 0:13:21.390 of effort for him as a boyfriend, uh, so far 0:13:21.429 --> 0:13:22.990 out of reach because I don't think they are. 0:13:23.010 --> 0:13:29.770 I think that she, it kind of reminds me of 0:13:29.850 --> 0:13:32.130 the conversation we had with Maya the dog. And I 0:13:32.150 --> 0:13:35.010 got a clip that went where Maya was like, pretty 0:13:35.050 --> 0:13:37.380 much like, I shouldn't tell you how to treat me. 0:13:37.440 --> 0:13:39.679 You should know how to do it already. That's what 0:13:39.720 --> 0:13:42.959 this letter was giving off to me. Like, okay, you're, 0:13:43.020 --> 0:13:46.800 you're doing the three strike rule, but also you planned 0:13:46.840 --> 0:13:50.819 a solo date. So you didn't even really make it 0:13:50.840 --> 0:13:53.070 be known that you wanted to be with him or 0:13:53.120 --> 0:13:56.050 wanted him to make your birthday extravagant because you planned 0:13:56.090 --> 0:13:59.270 a solo dinner. You decorating and throwing a party at 0:13:59.309 --> 0:14:02.610 your job and him having plans, if you don't sit 0:14:02.650 --> 0:14:03.990 here and let him know. 0:14:04.210 --> 0:14:06.810 That- Wasn't the thing on her birthday though? 0:14:07.230 --> 0:14:08.729 No, no, no, no. There was a birthday. 0:14:08.750 --> 0:14:10.990 There was Mother's Day and then the work event. I'm 0:14:11.010 --> 0:14:13.939 talking about the work event. My nigga doing throwing a 0:14:13.980 --> 0:14:16.439 work event I don't know that that's something you want 0:14:16.460 --> 0:14:19.060 me to celebrate or show up to. Like some people 0:14:19.440 --> 0:14:21.420 don't want to mix their personal life and bring it 0:14:21.460 --> 0:14:24.320 to work. Like to me, there's a lot of things 0:14:24.360 --> 0:14:26.600 that it sounds like you don't let him know what 0:14:26.640 --> 0:14:29.820 things make you happy. And we talked about love languages 0:14:29.900 --> 0:14:32.940 so much here. I'm hearing you on that part. 0:14:33.320 --> 0:14:36.060 That it's giving that. And the fact that you have 0:14:36.120 --> 0:14:39.580 already check one, check two, check three. 0:14:39.920 --> 0:14:42.880 And then you came to him with this system. Like 0:14:43.200 --> 0:14:45.020 I've been that person to do that too. And it's 0:14:45.040 --> 0:14:48.000 just like, well, if you're keeping score, but not letting 0:14:48.040 --> 0:14:49.870 me know exactly how you want me to show up, 0:14:50.260 --> 0:14:52.550 but in your mind, you're hoping and expecting me to 0:14:52.590 --> 0:14:54.790 show up in a way that I'm not. 0:14:55.470 --> 0:14:56.750 Well, how are you bringing. 0:14:56.530 --> 0:14:57.110 These things up? 0:15:03.110 --> 0:15:06.990 A few things though. Um, Low effort on birthdays. I 0:15:07.030 --> 0:15:09.570 don't think it's much to ask for. I understand he 0:15:09.610 --> 0:15:11.580 may not have a bunch of cash right now. 0:15:12.000 --> 0:15:13.500 Totally fine. Right? 0:15:13.840 --> 0:15:15.540 Well, and she said she didn't know that. 0:15:15.920 --> 0:15:18.660 So the fact that you found out after, you got 0:15:18.680 --> 0:15:19.720 to take that strike away. 0:15:20.020 --> 0:15:22.240 He didn't have it to splurge on you. He was 0:15:22.300 --> 0:15:24.300 in between jobs. I'm with you. 0:15:24.260 --> 0:15:27.660 On that one. Being in between jobs all day. I'm here. 0:15:27.740 --> 0:15:28.540 We're there on that one. 0:15:29.920 --> 0:15:31.360 I think that part is fine. 0:15:32.270 --> 0:15:35.010 I think that maybe feeling like there was an effort 0:15:35.070 --> 0:15:37.030 made for her birthday, like saying, OK, he got me 0:15:37.070 --> 0:15:39.430 a vibrator at CVS. That would make me feel kind 0:15:39.570 --> 0:15:43.220 of like a handwritten card. There are so many things 0:15:43.240 --> 0:15:46.740 that make me feel valued. The best gifts my man 0:15:46.780 --> 0:15:48.840 have got me. I'm not going to share the ring. 0:15:49.340 --> 0:15:51.460 He got me Hermes. That was a big deal for me. 0:15:51.540 --> 0:15:51.800 Right. 0:15:52.300 --> 0:15:57.150 But during Christmas, there was this teapot I wanted. That 0:15:57.200 --> 0:15:58.620 was like some special thing. 0:15:58.960 --> 0:16:00.540 And he gave me a handwritten card. 0:16:00.580 --> 0:16:02.920 And I kind of bugged out on that more than Hermes. 0:16:03.360 --> 0:16:04.940 But it was really because I was like, damn, that 0:16:04.960 --> 0:16:07.100 nigga must really listen. Because I never told him I 0:16:07.120 --> 0:16:07.560 want that shit. 0:16:07.580 --> 0:16:10.140 I told the friends. I told somebody else. Sure, he 0:16:10.160 --> 0:16:12.400 got me more gifts. But that teapot was a big deal. 0:16:13.000 --> 0:16:15.290 And I am realizing. 0:16:14.870 --> 0:16:19.710 For me, maybe like this person, the thoughtfulness, the gesture, 0:16:20.010 --> 0:16:23.830 the feeling cared about, it's not necessarily by doing something grand. 0:16:24.150 --> 0:16:26.070 It could be by knowing you did something for me. 0:16:26.640 --> 0:16:29.239 And so to get me a CVS vibrator, eh. 0:16:30.480 --> 0:16:34.000 I mean, but also she noted her friends bought her 0:16:34.180 --> 0:16:35.670 a gift card to a sex shop. 0:16:36.230 --> 0:16:38.870 So the fact that the friends got. 0:16:38.710 --> 0:16:41.410 Her a gift card to a local sex shop, this 0:16:41.490 --> 0:16:44.500 actually might have been something she asked for. Because if 0:16:44.540 --> 0:16:47.370 the friends also got you that. Didn't they go walk 0:16:47.390 --> 0:16:48.490 into the CVS together? 0:16:50.210 --> 0:16:50.990 I think they did. 0:16:51.290 --> 0:16:55.590 That's not good. This was the day before her birthday. 0:16:56.010 --> 0:16:59.160 He came over and cooked her dinner and they went 0:16:59.320 --> 0:17:01.780 on a CVS run and yet he bought her a vibrator. 0:17:02.020 --> 0:17:03.720 No, bro, no. No. 0:17:04.200 --> 0:17:05.060 Which is also crazy. 0:17:05.550 --> 0:17:08.090 Because, so he came over and cooked you dinner before 0:17:08.109 --> 0:17:12.250 your birthday, which actually is, and this is why I 0:17:12.830 --> 0:17:17.230 bring up love language again. To me, like, you want gifts. 0:17:17.540 --> 0:17:22.520 You want extravagant gestures. He's doing things that maybe to 0:17:22.580 --> 0:17:24.820 him means something. Bro, getting me a. 0:17:24.760 --> 0:17:26.960 CVS birthday present while I'm there is not. 0:17:27.460 --> 0:17:29.780 But no, he came over and cooked her dinner. I 0:17:29.840 --> 0:17:36.290 said that. I still, only a YN was the one 0:17:36.310 --> 0:17:38.070 who cooked for me. Like, I haven't had a man 0:17:38.090 --> 0:17:40.109 cook for me. That's nice. Mind you, I want to 0:17:40.150 --> 0:17:40.550 go up to that. 0:17:40.570 --> 0:17:41.190 That is nice. 0:17:41.690 --> 0:17:44.260 She also said he's sweet. He's caring. 0:17:44.730 --> 0:17:47.840