Speaker 1: Welcome to the Good Stuff. I'm Jacob Schick and I'm
Speaker 1: joined by my co host and wife, Ashley Shick.
Speaker 2: Jake is a third generation combat Marine and I'm a
Speaker 2: gold Star granddaughter. We work together to serve military veterans,
Speaker 2: first responders, frontline healthcare workers, and their families with mental
Speaker 2: and emotional wellness through traditional and non traditional therapy. At
Speaker 2: One Tribe Foundation, we.
Speaker 1: Believe everyone has a story to tell, not only about
Speaker 1: the peaks, but also the valleys they've been through to
Speaker 1: get them to where they are today.
Speaker 2: Each week, we invite a guest to tell us their story,
Speaker 2: to share with us the lessons they've learned that shaped
Speaker 2: who they are and what they're doing to pay it
Speaker 2: forward and give back.
Speaker 1: Our mission with this show is to dig deep into
Speaker 1: our guest's journey so that we can celebrate the hope
Speaker 1: and inspiration their story has to offer.
Speaker 2: We're thrilled you're joining us again.
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Good Stuff.
Speaker 2: Our guest today is Sharonda Calderon. She's a mother business woman,
Speaker 2: board member, and she is a widow.
Speaker 1: Sharanda is here today to tell us the story of
Speaker 1: losing her late husband, Dallas Sheriff's Deputy Omar Calderon when
Speaker 1: he took his own life. Her story is about the
Speaker 1: devastating effects of suicide and the grit and determination it
Speaker 1: took for her to keep pushing forward in spite of
Speaker 1: the pain.
Speaker 2: This conversation is raw and real, and Shronda is such
Speaker 2: a huge advocate, both personally and professionally for mental wellness
Speaker 2: and getting the help we all need at times.
Speaker 1: Like the two of us, Sharanda knows the healing power
Speaker 1: of being open and honest and telling your story.
Speaker 2: We are so excited today to be joined by Sharonda Calderon.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for being here with us on
Speaker 2: the good stuff.
Speaker 3: Thank you for having me of course.
Speaker 2: Now, we met you through actually One Tribe Foundation, through
Speaker 2: our Watch program, which is an acronym because everything in
Speaker 2: the military and law enforcement seems like is an acronym.
Speaker 2: We are the children of Heroes, and we actually met
Speaker 2: you through that organization. We're just so thrilled to have
Speaker 2: you here because we've gotten to know you over the
Speaker 2: years and you're always such a positive light and every
Speaker 2: time we see you, you just make us smile, You
Speaker 2: just make us happy. Thank you, of course, So we
Speaker 2: will get into how you even came to be part
Speaker 2: of the tribe as we call it. So tell us
Speaker 2: a little bit about your background here in Dallas, Texas.
Speaker 3: Actually I've been Dallas. I met my husband here as well,
Speaker 3: Deputy I'm a metal called that on and he was
Speaker 3: an eighteen year veteran with the Dallas County Shares Apartment.
Speaker 3: Fortunately he died by suicide. That was in twenty eighteen.
Speaker 3: And from there, that's where I met you guys. I
Speaker 3: remember losing everything on that day, a day after, well,
Speaker 3: I will say a day after my husband's funeral. I
Speaker 3: remember my little boy came into the room and he
Speaker 3: said that he found the way that he could hug
Speaker 3: his dad, but he didn't want to tell me, and
Speaker 3: I had to encourage him to tell me. And that's
Speaker 3: when he said, if I kill mysel So I was
Speaker 3: broken and from there I didn't know what to do.
Speaker 3: So I called our PCP and I was told that, well,
Speaker 3: your insurance was canceled. My husband was found on a Friday,
Speaker 3: and our insurance was canceled on a Saturday. At that time,
Speaker 3: I was a stay at home mom. I didn't know
Speaker 3: what to do. I was broken. I it's just a
Speaker 3: whole just that feeling back then, just being numb, but
Speaker 3: just full of pain. And I was I was given
Speaker 3: up even then, but I didn't want to give up
Speaker 3: on them. Someone had contacted me. It was almost like
Speaker 3: a little secret sir. I don't know. I always say that.
Speaker 3: It felt like like something off TV. I received a
Speaker 3: phone call from someone. She left a message and I
Speaker 3: was going to call her back maybe, But then there
Speaker 3: was a deputy that worked with my husband and I
Speaker 3: because we both worked the Shaff's apartment together, and he said, so,
Speaker 3: I was going to call you. She's legit and asked
Speaker 3: the phone. So I called her back and she said
Speaker 3: what do you need? And I said, I don't know,
Speaker 3: but I just need to give my children therapy. I
Speaker 3: need insurance. That's all that I need for my kids.
Speaker 3: And she said, call this number. I called the number
Speaker 3: and it was amazing, Joaiquing. I'll always remember that name.
Speaker 3: He answered the phone and he said we've been expecting
Speaker 3: your call. And I was like, okay, and he said
Speaker 3: can you come in? When can you come in? And
Speaker 3: I came in. I brought my boys with me. Yes,
Speaker 3: we did the assessment, you know, I guess the initial
Speaker 3: conversations and then I said, but this is all that
Speaker 3: I have money set aside, and I just want to
Speaker 3: get I just want you guys to get my boy's therapy.
Speaker 3: That's all. That's the reason why I'm here. And I
Speaker 3: remember my therapist at the time, he said, no, we're
Speaker 3: going to give you and the boy's therapy. And they said,
Speaker 3: your money's not needed. You know, it's not wanted here.
Speaker 3: So if it takes thirty days or thirty years, we
Speaker 3: got you. Wow. And that was the day I feel
Speaker 3: like we're gonna be okay, and my boys are gonna
Speaker 3: be okay. That is actually my background of I got
Speaker 3: to be a part of the tribe. That's right.
Speaker 2: Oh, and such a huge part you are. It gives
Speaker 2: me goosebumps just to hear that story because knowing that's
Speaker 2: what we do, but just to hear what it meant
Speaker 2: to you at that point in time in your life.
Speaker 1: Take us back to the beginning. How did you and
Speaker 1: Omar meet?
Speaker 3: Well, ironically, we actually met in high school. We didn't
Speaker 3: know each other until later when we looked at a picture.
Speaker 3: I went to this high school for health profession so
Speaker 3: it was like health magnet. It was downtown and he
Speaker 3: went to another school, although on the other side of town.
Speaker 3: They were just coming by to just look at the
Speaker 3: girls at the school. And I remember a guy that
Speaker 3: he was on a it was a dark bus. He
Speaker 3: was on the dart bus and he was like, can
Speaker 3: I get your number? And I was like yeah. It
Speaker 3: was like surprise, and he tried to come back, but
Speaker 3: I had left. There was a picture of him in
Speaker 3: the background because to my friends and we were all
Speaker 3: taking pictures and there was a picture the background and
Speaker 3: I found that picture years later and I was like,
Speaker 3: oh my god, like, who was that back there? He
Speaker 3: was like that's mean. He was like I remember that
Speaker 3: day and he's like that was you and I was like, yeah,
Speaker 3: that was me. Wow. Yeah. But when we, I guess
Speaker 3: officially met it was at the Sheriff's apartment. Both of
Speaker 3: us had started working there as correction officers. He had
Speaker 3: to start there in order to be a deputy, so
Speaker 3: you have to start there on the ground level. And
Speaker 3: we met there and a year or so later we
Speaker 3: were together.
Speaker 2: Sparked, yeah, awesome, what made you want to go into
Speaker 2: that line and profession?
Speaker 3: I actually went in. It was supposed to be for
Speaker 3: an internship, so I needed internship hours. But I had
Speaker 3: two boys already, so I couldn't afford to do internships.
Speaker 3: So I went there for that and I was going
Speaker 3: to take those hours and you know, transfer them over
Speaker 3: just to keep going. It was in criminal justice, and
Speaker 3: I was you know, you had to have those little hours.
Speaker 3: Omar went in because he wanted to be become a deputy.
Speaker 3: You know, it was either going to be that or
Speaker 3: a nurse. He fit the mold for to be a deputy.
Speaker 3: So that's actually how we ended up there. What was
Speaker 3: he like? Oh my god, he was charismatic. He was
Speaker 3: laid back. He didn't let a lot get to him,
Speaker 3: you know, and everyone came to him. He was delightful
Speaker 3: the party. He was very funny. He didn't meet a stranger.
Speaker 3: Everyone like immediately love him. Now. He looked mean and
Speaker 3: he was rough around the edges. He was he was,
Speaker 3: I guess, you know, the ying to my yang. You know,
Speaker 3: he was very rough around the edges. He would say
Speaker 3: anything and I would say, oh, Mark, don't say that.
Speaker 3: You know, that was the right thing to say, Yeah,
Speaker 3: like why are you worried about what they say? You know?
Speaker 3: That was that was That's who he was. He could
Speaker 3: say no all the time, and I was the one
Speaker 3: that would say yes all the time. So we balanced
Speaker 3: each other out. So I would get him to say yes,
Speaker 3: and he would say no for me, and we kind
Speaker 3: of depended on each other for that. Well, he didn't
Speaker 3: depend on me saying yes for him, but I kind
Speaker 3: of depended on him just to say no. Yeah.
Speaker 2: We joke about that all the time, that Jake brings
Speaker 2: me back down to ground and I bring him up.
Speaker 3: To the clouds.
Speaker 2: Sometimes it's it's that good match.
Speaker 1: So right, Yeah, I got it to that ability to
Speaker 1: say no. It's such a huge thing.
Speaker 2: Well was it like to spring your romance in that environment?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 3: It was difficult because I was always raised, you know,
Speaker 3: never get your money where you get your honey, you know,
Speaker 3: so you never do that. And I was against it,
Speaker 3: and he would always pursue me and I would say no.
Speaker 3: So we became friends. So we were like friends for
Speaker 3: pretty much a whole year. He was like no, he said,
Speaker 3: I had a game plan. I was in you. That's
Speaker 3: what I was doing, playing that slow game. Yeah, And
Speaker 3: I would say no, and he would always ask me,
Speaker 3: are you going to be my girl? Like no, it's
Speaker 3: like you're going to be my girl. No, And I
Speaker 3: was like, no, I can no, I can't do that.
Speaker 3: You know, I have to focus on my kids. I
Speaker 3: was focused on school. I always had an excuse. And
Speaker 3: then I remember one day he told me, and it
Speaker 3: was a Wednesday, specifically, I would remember that it was
Speaker 3: a Wednesday, and he said, you know what, I'm not
Speaker 3: going to ask you anymore. He said, you're going to
Speaker 3: keep shooting me down. He said, so, if you just
Speaker 3: want us to be friends at work, then we'll just
Speaker 3: be friends at work, he said, But I'm not going
Speaker 3: to keep asking you.
Speaker 1: And then I was like, okay, let's do this and
Speaker 1: that ladies and gentlemen, is called reverse psychology.
Speaker 3: Yes, game, Yeah, that's awesome. That is awesome.
Speaker 2: And he definitely was lucky. Man. I mean, you were
Speaker 2: an absolute catch. One of the things that we love
Speaker 2: so much about you. Not only are you beautiful, but
Speaker 2: you walk into a room and you can just feel
Speaker 2: the energy level go up. You are one of those
Speaker 2: people that are just truly magnetic. So good on him
Speaker 2: for playing that role and closing the deal like that.
Speaker 3: Thank you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean you are Actually it's right, and we've
Speaker 1: expressed this to you you're a light. You know you
Speaker 1: are a light.
Speaker 3: Thank you totally agree.
Speaker 2: Tell us about when you and Omar finally did get together.
Speaker 2: Now you had two boys.
Speaker 3: Oh that those are his kids. And if you would
Speaker 3: say stepdad, that is he would say the whole other
Speaker 3: side him. And it was not pretty, really it was.
Speaker 3: It was not pretty. That's all his kids. Yeah, that's awesome.
Speaker 3: Those are his babies, his boys. I remember he brought
Speaker 3: his partner was it wasn't his normal as usual partner,
Speaker 3: but it was a partner, and he brought him by
Speaker 3: the house and he said, yeah, my son, I want
Speaker 3: you to meet my son. I have my son to
Speaker 3: come out here. He need to, you know, bring my
Speaker 3: credit card out here. I left it. The guy he said,
Speaker 3: I see this six two six three tall black guy
Speaker 3: walk out, and he's like, that's my baby boy, right,
Speaker 3: there's baby. He was like, somebody should tell you something's
Speaker 3: wrong there, but I'm not gonna say anything. Right. Oh
Speaker 3: that's great.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And then you but your family grew and you
Speaker 2: were blessed with Omario.
Speaker 3: Yeah, in two thousand and six, I was blessed with Omari.
Speaker 3: And then you know, it happened and he's like, yeah,
Speaker 3: you know, that's my baby, and he was like my
Speaker 3: baby boy. He used to call him Marian baby boy.
Speaker 3: So for the longest A Marian thought his name was
Speaker 3: a Marian baby boys. So somebody asked him, what's your name?
Speaker 3: You say Marian baby boy? I love that?
Speaker 2: And how did your relationship and everything grow after Amaran
Speaker 2: was born?
Speaker 3: It was always just us. Even from before a Marian,
Speaker 3: it seemed like it was just Omar and the two
Speaker 3: boy extra three boys because I raised my nephew as well,
Speaker 3: so it was just the three boys, Omar and myself
Speaker 3: and we did everything together, and A Marian was just
Speaker 3: another piece of the puzzle that was always meant to
Speaker 3: be there. Omar's legacy.
Speaker 2: He also alight, we love him, Todae.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he's such a great kid.
Speaker 3: He really is.
Speaker 1: He's such a great kid. I mean, I love it
Speaker 1: when you guys come to the game nights and you know,
Speaker 1: when we're able to come, I look for him like
Speaker 1: I see come out because I'm I just got a
Speaker 1: hog got kid, you know, I just got to get
Speaker 1: just a little bit. It's soul food.
Speaker 2: It is soul food to see both of you. Omarian
Speaker 2: comes into your life and it's complete right and omar Meanwhile,
Speaker 2: it's still working now as a deputy. Yes, tell us
Speaker 2: about his journey through that and the pressures that come
Speaker 2: with that job.
Speaker 3: Well, he worked in a warranton execution from the time
Speaker 3: he graduated deputy academy. Yeah, so he was there from
Speaker 3: the beginning. Also, he's competitive with all of his arrests,
Speaker 3: and he didn't want to be an FTO, but he
Speaker 3: pretty much was one field training officers, sorry, a field
Speaker 3: training officer. People wanted to work with him because he
Speaker 3: was real calm and he would tell them what to do,
Speaker 3: and he would tell them always the right thing. That's
Speaker 3: the one thing that people said after he died that
Speaker 3: he always taught me the right way and said, hey,
Speaker 3: if you do it on your own, that's one thing,
Speaker 3: but this is the way it's supposed to be done.
Speaker 3: And he was always about business, like we can play later,
Speaker 3: but it's about business with this. He was a great officer.
Speaker 3: That was actually one of the things that attracted me
Speaker 3: to him was his work ethics. He could get it
Speaker 3: done and he was about business and he knew how
Speaker 3: to separate it and he wasn't one of those that
Speaker 3: liked to like lay back and not do the job. Yeah,
Speaker 3: even as a police officer, there were people that would
Speaker 3: tell me, hey, he would stop and give people gas
Speaker 3: if they were on the side of the road. You
Speaker 3: know that that was Omar, Yeah.
Speaker 1: The servant's heart.
Speaker 2: Yes, where did that come from?
Speaker 3: His dad was actually a police officer in Mexico, you know,
Speaker 3: even in the army, So I think maybe that's where
Speaker 3: he got it from. But out of all of his siblings,
Speaker 3: he's the one that's always been about people, you know,
Speaker 3: and helping people.
Speaker 2: And see why y'all were such a great pair. So
Speaker 2: when did you feel a shift in him?
Speaker 3: Twenty sixteen exactly. That's when I noticed change when we
Speaker 3: had the shooting. Yeah, he became a little more emotional then,
Speaker 3: and he was a little more withdrawn. That's when we
Speaker 3: actually start having problems at home, where he was everything.
Speaker 3: I couldn't say anything because he felt I was attacking
Speaker 3: him and we would go back and forth with that,
Speaker 3: and I was at home. But the whole point of
Speaker 3: me being at home to just stay at home mom.
Speaker 3: I was supposed to, Okay, we're gonna let our son
Speaker 3: make it to middle school. That I was going to
Speaker 3: go back to work, and actually I had got hired
Speaker 3: on through DPD and that was the police Department, and
Speaker 3: I wanted to go back, and so we started arguing
Speaker 3: a lot about that, like why do you want to go?
Speaker 3: What's the rush? You know he has made it to
Speaker 3: middle school yet, and I would tell him, you don't
Speaker 3: know what it's like. Everyone is like doing everything and
Speaker 3: I want to do that before I get too old.
Speaker 3: So but I can do other things. And so that's
Speaker 3: when the change started.
Speaker 2: Then do you feel like he was protecting you?
Speaker 3: I know that he was protecting me, now, yeah, I
Speaker 3: know it.
Speaker 2: I remember how just horrific that that night was the
Speaker 2: Dallas five and how hard this not only this community,
Speaker 2: but this country and those that felt it, Like I
Speaker 2: can't imagine what he went through being right there so
Speaker 2: close to it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, senseless, senseless acts of violence. And uh, it's crazy
Speaker 1: because when I as asked that question and you said
Speaker 1: without hesitation and with such conviction twenty sixteen, like you
Speaker 1: didn't even hesitate, that goes to show from the people
Speaker 1: listening that that is, you haven't forgotten anything, you haven't
Speaker 1: suppressed anything. You've done a lot of work. I mean,
Speaker 1: I know because we've been able to together. Yeah. I
Speaker 1: mean we've been able to have you around for quite
Speaker 1: some time. But it's to be able to know that
Speaker 1: it's it's really no different than when people ask me, like, well,
Speaker 1: when did you get hit and it's two thousand and four,
Speaker 1: because it was very significant, it was an abrupt shift.
Speaker 1: And when doctor Bessel vander Kolk talks about the issue
Speaker 1: user and the tissues like it's there at the molecular
Speaker 1: level and that's why this work is so important. And
Speaker 1: continue to do the deep dives and the self discovered
Speaker 1: journeys and the self healing and the healthy selfish and
Speaker 1: like it's so vital because it never goes away. In
Speaker 1: twenty sixteen, I mean that's almost not too long. That'll
Speaker 1: be a decade. And then every year, especially here in
Speaker 1: the DFW area, the Dallas five, when that anniversary comes up,
Speaker 1: you know, I mean it's we make a big deal
Speaker 1: of it, as we should on all those legacies. I mean,
Speaker 1: it's a it's just such a thankless job, such a
Speaker 1: thankless job that I can say no amount of money
Speaker 1: could get me to do that job. Especially now.
Speaker 2: Did y'all feel that in this climate of the everyone
Speaker 2: hates cops or did y'all feel any of that.
Speaker 3: He did. I think it's because you know, we were
Speaker 3: aware of it. I think there was a s but
Speaker 3: we could feel the shift because we were aware because
Speaker 3: you're always heighten all you know, you're trained, so you
Speaker 3: know what's what's there sure, and when you see the
Speaker 3: many protests and you see the shootings, and then you
Speaker 3: feel it, especially with him being out there a little
Speaker 3: more fearful of what could the possibilities of what could happen?
Speaker 3: What if I don't come home see you all? What if?
Speaker 3: And I remember him saying, you know, both of us
Speaker 3: should be putting our lives on the line. And he's like, so,
Speaker 3: why do you want to do this? He would always say,
Speaker 3: why do you want to do this? What do you
Speaker 3: have to prove? It was like the same thing that
Speaker 3: you have to prove, you know, That was our argument,
Speaker 3: But he was both of us shouldn't have to do this.
Speaker 2: Definitely protecting you. Did he when he started to struggle?
Speaker 2: Did he open up to you?
Speaker 3: I made him. That was another thing. I felt like
Speaker 3: I was pushing him. But he told me actually the
Speaker 3: day that he left that he thanked me for doing
Speaker 3: all of that, So I knew a lot of what
Speaker 3: he was going through. I know a lot of his
Speaker 3: feelings because he would tell me, not because he would
Speaker 3: do it on his own, it's because I would make
Speaker 3: him tell me. So, yeah, that change in him, and
Speaker 3: I made him go to the doctor. He didn't want
Speaker 3: to go, but he really didn't have much a choice
Speaker 3: to shut me up. He would go and I remember
Speaker 3: because I feel like his tesoscerone levels were low. I said,
Speaker 3: this is the problems, like low libido. You know, you're irritable,
Speaker 3: You're this. I was like, you fit this, and we
Speaker 3: need to go and get your disosterone levels. And I'm
Speaker 3: a man, I don't need to what you're talking about esoscerone.
Speaker 3: I'm fine. But eventually we went and they were extremely low.
Speaker 3: But he was also diagnosed with bipolar two disorder, and
Speaker 3: he said, I'm not crazy, but he didn't accept that.
Speaker 3: He didn't want to, so I said, okay, well go
Speaker 3: and get another opinion. By this time, he was still
Speaker 3: getting the injections, and actually he was so terrified of
Speaker 3: the injections. He would take a whole hour to put
Speaker 3: this one needle in his thigh and I would tell
Speaker 3: him I'll do it, and he was like I did
Speaker 3: it one time, he said. He called my mom told
Speaker 3: everybody I was trying to kill him because I just
Speaker 3: shove the needle down. He was like, why would you
Speaker 3: even do that? He was like, I don't want you
Speaker 3: to do it. But he would take literally a whole
Speaker 3: almost an hour because he had to take it every
Speaker 3: like every Tuesday or Wednesday, I don't remember the exact day,
Speaker 3: but he would sit there the needle. He was terrified
Speaker 3: of it. So we went and got a second opinion
Speaker 3: and they diagnosed him with major depressive disorder. And he said, see,
Speaker 3: I told you, none of those doctors know what they're
Speaker 3: talking about. It's all about money. This all the scams
Speaker 3: about money. He was like, I'm just tired. Some people
Speaker 3: when they're struggling, they have all they they'll turn to drinking,
Speaker 3: they'll turn to I was.
Speaker 1: Gonna ask like, did you see any self medicating behaviors
Speaker 1: start to happen with him?
Speaker 3: He did, but he did it with work.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's which is I think. I'm glad you bring
Speaker 1: that up. It's very important, is that there's lots of
Speaker 1: ways to self medicate outside of drugs and alcohol. You know,
Speaker 1: you can do it with your work. You can do
Speaker 1: it to the gym, you can do with church, your religion.
Speaker 1: There's lots of ways. And look the Lota sash stuff
Speaker 1: people need, like men need to understand. It's just like
Speaker 1: it's normal with aging, right, And it's just like every day,
Speaker 1: every morning I wake up, I have to put on
Speaker 1: a leg to go use the bathroom. It's a tool,
Speaker 1: it's just part of it. And if there's ways to
Speaker 1: counteract that. It doesn't mean there's something like, oh, there's
Speaker 1: something wrong with me. No, it means that you're aging
Speaker 1: like the rest of the world. That's what that means.
Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with that. It just happens. And the
Speaker 1: same with being diagnosed with major depressive disorder or bipolar two.
Speaker 1: I'm not crazy, that's not what that means. Doesn't mean
Speaker 1: you're crazy. It just means you need a little adjustment
Speaker 1: and some chemicals that your body naturally produces. That's all
Speaker 1: it means, you know. And I think that's why, especially
Speaker 1: in the law enforcement community and first sponder community, that
Speaker 1: they just turn their head from it because of all
Speaker 1: the stigmatization, all the labeling. They need help with empowerment,
Speaker 1: the courage you have to not only walk in this
Speaker 1: place today to do this stuff. But all the time.
Speaker 1: I mean now, I mean you're here a lot though,
Speaker 1: you know, you bring omar in and you guys, you're
Speaker 1: very involved, and that's a scary thing. It's a hard thing.
Speaker 1: Just like every morning I get up and I put
Speaker 1: my leg on, like that's a daily reminder of a
Speaker 1: significant tragedy that happened in my life. Right Well, every
Speaker 1: time you walk in these doors, same thing. There's a
Speaker 1: reason you're here, and you face it and you do
Speaker 1: it anyway. That's courage. That's the epitome of courage.
Speaker 3: Actually, that's what I felt in the very beginning. We're
Speaker 3: coming here and my boys, that was the thing they
Speaker 3: the older ones didn't really want and a Mariin he
Speaker 3: wanted to. I think they were all doing it in
Speaker 3: the beginning, just for me. Yeah, And it was a reminder.
Speaker 3: That's when Martin said, it's a reminders, but it's a
Speaker 3: reminder all day, every day that your dad is gone.
Speaker 3: But I felt that exact way that it was a
Speaker 3: reminder until it became okay, that's that's a place of
Speaker 3: healing for me.
Speaker 1: Absolutely.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And then one of the questions that has posed a
Speaker 1: lot and I know you've heard it. What would Omar want?
Speaker 3: Yeah, he would want to He wanted me right here.
Speaker 3: And I will tell you it's funny that you say that.
Speaker 3: Because I had so much guilt, I blamed myself for
Speaker 3: his death. Of course, I used to say that I
Speaker 3: was the murderer. I would call myself. I said, I'm
Speaker 3: the murderer. I just didn't use my hands. But I'm
Speaker 3: the reason why he's gone. Why because when he he
Speaker 3: attempted in twenty seventeen, and maybe a week or two
Speaker 3: before that time, it was like it was around fair
Speaker 3: time and he was so sad, and I was telling him, hey,
Speaker 3: if you don't get this together, and if you don't
Speaker 3: take care of yourself, we're going to have to split up,
Speaker 3: trying to do a little tough love. I wasn't going anywhere,
Speaker 3: and he had told me that he was thinking about
Speaker 3: like taking his life. In the house, he said, you know,
Speaker 3: I was looking around and thinking, you know, maybe I
Speaker 3: could do this, And then he said then I thought no,
Speaker 3: I wouldn't want you all to find me. And the
Speaker 3: next morning when he left, I asked him, I said,
Speaker 3: when you come home, can we talk about it? And
Speaker 3: it was almost like he was relieved a little bit.
Speaker 3: So I asked him, if you were going to take
Speaker 3: your life, what would you do? And he said, I'll
Speaker 3: go down south, which within Warrens they knew every little
Speaker 3: nick and cranny everything everywhere, he said, So, which would
Speaker 3: be like tor Waco and all? He said, I would
Speaker 3: go down south, he said, and I would find a
Speaker 3: little spot in there and I would do it there.
Speaker 3: And I told him myself, but then we would never
Speaker 3: find you. Then, how do you think that would make
Speaker 3: us feel? If we never found you? But he was spiraling.
Speaker 3: I had called him, actually had my son to call him.
Speaker 3: He didn't answer the phone, and he wants some splend
Speaker 3: of text messages. So I had my nephew to call
Speaker 3: the office and see, you know, was he there? So
Speaker 3: maybe he has training? And they was like, no, he
Speaker 3: called in. He never called into work, so I knew
Speaker 3: something was up. So I called lieutenant and I said, hey,
Speaker 3: I'm gonna be full of transparent with you. We're having
Speaker 3: some family issues and I'm worried about him. I didn't
Speaker 3: have to go into details. I didn't have to say anything.
Speaker 3: He said okay, and he said, yeah, you're right. He
Speaker 3: hasn't been looking right, you know. Someone else said they
Speaker 3: noticed that he looked a little different. So that day
Speaker 3: they put a bolo out on him, which is to
Speaker 3: be on the lookout. And that was a one long,
Speaker 3: hard night and they had a car that was parked
Speaker 3: in front of our house. Everyone was looking, every agency
Speaker 3: was looking for him. Well, he called me, and it
Speaker 3: was on Thursday morning. He actually called, so we were
Speaker 3: able to ping his phone and I was keeping him
Speaker 3: on the line and I told him he said, can
Speaker 3: I come home? He sounded like a baby and I
Speaker 3: was like, yeah, you can come home. And he was like,
Speaker 3: really it was not him and I said, yes, baby,
Speaker 3: please come home. I was like we all love you.
Speaker 3: And he was like I'm sorry and I said no,
Speaker 3: just come home, and he said, there's a squad car
Speaker 3: behind me. So by this time, my nephew had called
Speaker 3: the department to say hey, I'm on the phone with them,
Speaker 3: but they had already paying design and I didn't know
Speaker 3: that he was speeding. So the lieutenant was telling me
Speaker 3: while I'm talking to him, it's like, tell him to
Speaker 3: slow down. And I said, you know, Omar, I said,
Speaker 3: you know, are you speeding? He was like I'm trying
Speaker 3: to get away from them. It was like he forgot
Speaker 3: that he was a police officer. He said, there's another one.
Speaker 3: He said, So I'm going to drive over here and
Speaker 3: I said, oh, my warrior weapons. He said, they're on
Speaker 3: the ground. I said, baby, please don't pick them up.
Speaker 3: Leave them there. And I said, said, it's because I
Speaker 3: love you. He said, there's another officer. I said it's
Speaker 3: because I love you. And I just kept saying it
Speaker 3: to him, and he said, oh, there's another squad right
Speaker 3: over here. I said, it's because I love you. And
Speaker 3: that's all that I would say to him because I
Speaker 3: want him to just to know that. And he said,
Speaker 3: but did you call them? I said it's because I
Speaker 3: love you. I never told him yes or no. I
Speaker 3: said it's because I love you. So he said I'm
Speaker 3: going to pull over. I said pull over, I said,
Speaker 3: and don't pick up anything. He said, okay, I'm not.
Speaker 3: And so that was Christmas because they got him, you know.
Speaker 3: And actually there was even an article where you could
Speaker 3: see or a car was stopped on the side of
Speaker 3: the road when traffic was down. The sheriff's apartment was
Speaker 3: right there. Even the little Waco or of course account
Speaker 3: of police, they were there, and he told me that
Speaker 3: the officer then told him the sergeant that was on duty.
Speaker 3: He said, thank you for not messing up my boys,
Speaker 3: because they didn't know if he was going to suicide
Speaker 3: by copper or what. They took him to Green Oaks.
Speaker 3: I was so happy to see him, you know that,
Speaker 3: And he was relieved. Ironically, he was relieved that people
Speaker 3: knew the chief was there at the time. He saw me.
Speaker 3: When I came, he was like, okay, I'm gonna let
Speaker 3: you visit her, you know. But he was kind of
Speaker 3: surprised because because they hadn't seen me in years, like, oh,
Speaker 3: this is who you're married to, like okay, I remember
Speaker 3: her now, like oh okay. And so he was relieved.
Speaker 3: I saw that and the support that he received, like
Speaker 3: he had the text messages where people were telling him,
Speaker 3: you know, hey, cal you got this, and there was
Speaker 3: a I mean a number of people calling and checking
Speaker 3: on him where he didn't feel bad and they told him,
Speaker 3: you know, your job is going to be here. Just
Speaker 3: get the help that you need. So he was in
Speaker 3: Green Oaks for maybe three or four days, and I
Speaker 3: remember picking him up on a Monday and the sheriff. Well,
Speaker 3: the sergeant called me and said, well, you need to
Speaker 3: bring him in for a fit for duty. Well, I
Speaker 3: actually called them to let them know that I picked
Speaker 3: him up. He's home now, we're resting, so if anybody
Speaker 3: wants to come and visit him, you guys can. She said, no,
Speaker 3: he needs to get a fit for duty. You have
Speaker 3: to bring him in and we'll bring you the paperwork.
Speaker 3: They showed up an hour later, brought the paperwork and said,
Speaker 3: make sure he goes to you know, so you can
Speaker 3: come back to work. I said, I don't think we
Speaker 3: need to do work right now. I need to because
Speaker 3: we still had to find a psychiatrist. He still had
Speaker 3: to find all the you know so I can get
Speaker 3: him in therapy. They assigned him medications. They told him,
Speaker 3: you can't take medication. If you want to come back
Speaker 3: to the job, you can't take any medications. We were
Speaker 3: there all day because he wasn't ready. And even the
Speaker 3: psych at the time said she gave him a hard
Speaker 3: time because she even interviewed me and she had him
Speaker 3: a really hard time. It's like he just got out
Speaker 3: of the hospital. I called the sergeant and I asked,
Speaker 3: can you just give us at least three weeks. Just
Speaker 3: give us three weeks to get him a doctor, because
Speaker 3: this is all that we have. He has to have
Speaker 3: a doctor, he has to receive therapy. I'm going to
Speaker 3: say maybe three to four weeks. That was it, you know, like, hey,
Speaker 3: we're short and you need to come back. Cant of
Speaker 3: the doctor said that truth, you can be released, you
Speaker 3: have to come back. They switched the shift when he
Speaker 3: came back, so he was on day shift and he said, well,
Speaker 3: the therapy that my wife set up for me and
Speaker 3: my doctors, you know, I go in the evening and
Speaker 3: they said, well, you know, you can burn your time.
Speaker 3: So when he got on shift, they said, we're short,
Speaker 3: so you couldn't burn your time. So and I remember
Speaker 3: him saying, you know, like if it, what's the point,
Speaker 3: you know? And he did well. When Omar was at work,
Speaker 3: he was functional. He was perfect. So that's why no
Speaker 3: one saw it. But when he was in the hospital
Speaker 3: they diagnosed him with post traumatic stress. That's when he
Speaker 3: was diagnosed with that, and then in his mind he
Speaker 3: felt like, oh, this is a death sentence, like nobody's
Speaker 3: going to want to work with me. I'm a liability.
Speaker 3: And I was telling him no, you know, people can
Speaker 3: live with this, and he was like, no, the guys know,
Speaker 3: even though the county doctor knew what he was diagnosed with,
Speaker 3: but they told him you can't take medication. He couldn't
Speaker 3: go to therapy. They actually gave him a hard time
Speaker 3: when he was at work. And that's why I tell
Speaker 3: people be careful the things that you say, because he
Speaker 3: overheard someone calling him crazy and he was already beating
Speaker 3: him himself up right. But everybody liked him steal, but
Speaker 3: he always felt like some they're looking at me, they're
Speaker 3: looking at me different. But he did well, but I
Speaker 3: felt I saw him struggling. Actually started spiraling in twenty eighteen.
Speaker 3: March of twenty eighteen is when he started spiraling again.
Speaker 3: And that's when I started reaching out to his partner.
Speaker 3: I said, okay, y'all, I need help because he's not okay,
Speaker 3: He's not okay. I woke up to him in the
Speaker 3: corner on the floor brying. He's never cried like that,
Speaker 3: and I remember getting out of the bed and I
Speaker 3: was like, oh, are you okay? And he was like,
Speaker 3: I'm effed up and he said, you know, my brain,
Speaker 3: he said, my brain is lept up and you don't
Speaker 3: deserve this. He said, I put you through too much
Speaker 3: and I said no, he didn't. We're going to be okay,
Speaker 3: you know, And I told him. He said I'm scared
Speaker 3: and I said what he's scared of? And he said,
Speaker 3: I'm scared that I can't fight forever. I said no.
Speaker 3: I told him. I said, we're going to fight this, Omar,
Speaker 3: We're fighting. We're going to fight this. And then I
Speaker 3: remember when he did.
Speaker 1: In June.
Speaker 3: He was on a it was on a two say night,
Speaker 3: well actually before he went to work. He was he
Speaker 3: laid around a little bit longer than he normally laid around.
Speaker 3: He was he could tell you suppressed And I asked him.
Speaker 3: I said, ohmer, and now I've learned the power the
Speaker 3: things of what not to say. But I said, ohm, A,
Speaker 3: you're not going to hurt yourself or anything like, are you?
Speaker 3: That was not okay to say it like that. And
Speaker 3: he was like, no, I'm not going to And he
Speaker 3: said that. I think he thanked me. He said, I
Speaker 3: thank you for you know, a riding my ass. He said,
Speaker 3: I thank you for that. He said, you loved me,
Speaker 3: he said, and I don't deserve that, he said, and
Speaker 3: the boys in there. I don't deserve a love, he said,
Speaker 3: this uniform. I don't deserve this uniform. It's I don't
Speaker 3: deserve the wordish uniform. And then I was trying to
Speaker 3: give him this tough love because by then we did
Speaker 3: find another therapist for him to go to. He only
Speaker 3: went to her once, but the therapists prior to that
Speaker 3: we went to seemed like it made things worse for him.
Speaker 3: But now I know he have to be culturally competent.
Speaker 3: That makes a big difference.
Speaker 1: Yeah, really important. People understand too. Yeah, and so he
Speaker 1: therapists are. It's not a one size fits all.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, not at all. I remember sitting there giving
Speaker 3: him this look like okay, because he told me, he said,
Speaker 3: you deserve better, and as long as I'm here, you
Speaker 3: won't have it. And I wanted to take it like
Speaker 3: he was being arrogant, because he was known to be
Speaker 3: very arrogant, and I was like, whatever omar. But I
Speaker 3: didn't want to get into it. I didn't want to
Speaker 3: have that conversation before he went to work, and my mind,
Speaker 3: I said, when he comes home, we're going to talk
Speaker 3: about it. But he didn't give me that time, so
Speaker 3: I remember hearing him in the garage, but he never
Speaker 3: came in, and he was out there a little bit longer,
Speaker 3: and so I went. That's when I saw that his
Speaker 3: service weapons were gone and he was gone. He had
Speaker 3: his phone. He made sure they couldn't pine his line anywhere.
Speaker 3: He had his phone with instructions, you know, and his wallet.
Speaker 3: I kept calling him. My son said, who you calling.
Speaker 3: I said, I'm calling Omarin. He said his phone is
Speaker 3: right here. So I knew then, you know, because I
Speaker 3: saw the instructions, like this is for Marian. This is
Speaker 3: a pin because I always forgot the pin to the
Speaker 3: credit card. This is a pin number, and the title
Speaker 3: of the cars, and the top dresser drawer. That's when
Speaker 3: I called the apartment. I said, he's going to do
Speaker 3: it this time, because he promised me he would never
Speaker 3: put us through that again. I said, he's going to
Speaker 3: do it. I need your help. They waited till the morning,
Speaker 3: told me to file a missing person's report with a
Speaker 3: mesquite pee, which is what I did. Then they came
Speaker 3: out and they said, okay, we put a bolo out
Speaker 3: for him, but I felt like no one was looking
Speaker 3: for him. I called the chaplain. I called the lieutenant,
Speaker 3: and I said, I don't think anyone's looking for him.
Speaker 3: I said, it feels different, like no one's looking. Later on,
Speaker 3: I found out that the sheriff had called off the
Speaker 3: BOLO an hour after was dispatched, so no one was
Speaker 3: looking for him.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 3: And that was on a Wednesday. And Friday, I get
Speaker 3: a knock on the door and I remember my oldest
Speaker 3: son said, Mom, their police officers at the door, and
Speaker 3: I said, don't let him in. I remember coming to
Speaker 3: the door and they said can we come in? And
Speaker 3: I said nope. Oh, Mark's coming home. Just tell me where,
Speaker 3: he said. And it's like no, you know, because they
Speaker 3: call me young. They say, no, young, we need to
Speaker 3: come in, and I said, no, you can't come in.
Speaker 3: So I remember my oldest son kind of moved me
Speaker 3: back and they came in and they told me we
Speaker 3: found him in the parking lot of the shriff's department.
Speaker 3: You know, he's dead. So that whole time, he was
Speaker 3: sitting in the parking lot, yeah, of the shriff's department,
Speaker 3: of the shaff's apartment, yep. And then I had people
Speaker 3: tell me later I saw your car there. I said, well,
Speaker 3: you guys knew that. I was looking for him. Why
Speaker 3: didn't anyone go over there? Why didn't anyone And then
Speaker 3: getting the autopsy report, you know, later to say that, well,
Speaker 3: the bullet never made it to his brain. He more
Speaker 3: than likely just bled to death. And I don't know
Speaker 3: how long it was like, I don't know, but it
Speaker 3: was like he was there, and I said, I know
Speaker 3: he was waiting for me. He knew that I was
Speaker 3: going to get to him, and I was looking for him,
Speaker 3: and that that was my whole mindset. He knew that
Speaker 3: I was coming, and I couldn't have gotten to him
Speaker 3: because it's behind secured you know, secured location, so one
Speaker 3: still wouldn't have been able to get to him. That
Speaker 3: he was there.
Speaker 1: And you know, now after a lot of work, a
Speaker 1: lot ofsn't work. We don't have control the outcome. We
Speaker 1: can want and wish as much as we want, we
Speaker 1: don't have patrol the outcome between them and God. I
Speaker 1: remember my very dear friend of mine retired as a
Speaker 1: master gunnery starter from the Marine Corps, and he asked
Speaker 1: me one time, he was like, how you doing, Jake?
Speaker 1: I was like, the quinn essential answer that we give
Speaker 1: each other. I'm good, bro like and usually that's the
Speaker 1: that's enough, Like okay, cool, and it was like I'm good, bro,
Speaker 1: you know, right at me, and he was like, hey,
Speaker 1: after everything we've been through together, I would really appreciate
Speaker 1: if I ask you something that you wouldn't look right
Speaker 1: at my faith and lied to me. And I was like,
Speaker 1: oh shit, how you doing? And I was like, I'm struggling.
Speaker 1: Why are you struggling? You know? I started naming off
Speaker 1: all the names, because when we first started this, it
Speaker 1: was like almost to the month or months losing just
Speaker 1: another one another, one another, one another one. And I
Speaker 1: was like, I just don't understand. What am I not
Speaker 1: doing enough of? What am I doing too much of?
Speaker 1: What have we not tried? And he looked at me
Speaker 1: and he said when did you become so important? Which,
Speaker 1: of course my ears pinned back, and he said, before
Speaker 1: you hit me, let me explain what I mean. He said, Jake,
Speaker 1: the last time I checked, you weren't nulled.
Speaker 3: To a cross.
Speaker 1: I meant to suffer for three nights in three days.
Speaker 1: He said, last time I checked, that wasn't you. He said,
Speaker 1: So all that guilt and all that shame that you're
Speaker 1: carrying has already been paid for. You're just not that important.
Speaker 1: It was like a silver backed gorilla let go of
Speaker 1: my soul because I was like, dude, you're right, you're right.
Speaker 1: That re memory you told me that you didn't tie
Speaker 1: that rope, you didn't load that weapon, you didn't pour
Speaker 1: those pillows down the throat, and you didn't shoot that
Speaker 1: needle in the arm like you didn't so on and
Speaker 1: so forth, all the different methods, and it was like,
Speaker 1: I remember how tragically relieving that was. It's the same
Speaker 1: with your situations. And I know you've been told this.
Speaker 1: I know because you've done all this work, but it's
Speaker 1: so vital to do these constant little reminders of it's
Speaker 1: out of my control. I'm just not that important. I
Speaker 1: don't have to like it, but accept it. It's just
Speaker 1: so important that people understand we don't have control of
Speaker 1: the outcome.
Speaker 3: So what I have learned, and what I actually say
Speaker 3: now is that who invited me to sit at the
Speaker 3: table of God's I'm not that powerful, So I said, no,
Speaker 3: one invited me to sit at that table. So I
Speaker 3: don't control life and I don't control death. And I
Speaker 3: had to learn that and that's what actually helped me.
Speaker 2: It's beautiful after everything that you've been through and going
Speaker 2: through that entire process and still having to pick yourself
Speaker 2: up by your bootstraps as we say in Texas and
Speaker 2: move forward with three boys and a nephew. Where are
Speaker 2: you today? Looking back since twenty eighteen to today? How
Speaker 2: have you grown? How have you dug deep? How have
Speaker 2: you decided to be a victor instead of a victim?
Speaker 2: Knowing full well you still have your bad days, we
Speaker 2: all do. You still have bad periods of life. But
Speaker 2: where are you today?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 3: I'm still in the place of healing. And I learned
Speaker 3: that healing is continuous, It's continual, it doesn't have an
Speaker 3: E D on it. I've accepted and I love the
Speaker 3: process because you have to trust it. The turning factor
Speaker 3: even in my healing, because once again you know I'm here,
Speaker 3: We're getting therapy. We had been receiving therapy for about
Speaker 3: six months and I found myself suicidal. I like you said,
Speaker 3: you didn't know. I didn't know that I was suicidal.
Speaker 3: I had no idea, And I remember having the safety
Speaker 3: plan here. You have a safety plan here, the people
Speaker 3: to call. And it was on Thanksgiving the following Thanksgiving,
Speaker 3: because Thanksgiving was our favorite. That was almost favorite holiday.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 3: I didn't cook anything. It was just it was horrible.
Speaker 3: So I remember going to I told the boys, I'm
Speaker 3: going to go to the park and I said, just
Speaker 3: make sure you turn the porch light on. I'll be back.
Speaker 3: But I took the gun with me, but in my
Speaker 3: mind I still did. It didn't register to me what
Speaker 3: I was going to do. It just it didn't. And
Speaker 3: I remember going to the park and I remember sitting
Speaker 3: in the park and the park was full of people,
Speaker 3: and I was so aggravated. I said, this is Thanksgiving.
Speaker 3: Why are these people in this park. They should be
Speaker 3: at home, they should be eating. Why are so many people?
Speaker 3: I was upset, So.
Speaker 1: Them people in this frigging park on Thanksgiving watching football.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And so I sat there and I felt that, Okay,
Speaker 3: they're gonna think that I'm crazy sitting here in this park.
Speaker 3: I said, So I'm going to call someone on just
Speaker 3: on my list. So the first person I called was
Speaker 3: my sister. She didn't answer the phone. And the next
Speaker 3: person was my friend, and she was busy with Thanksgiving dinner.
Speaker 3: So in my mind, I said, that's confirmation I don't
Speaker 3: need to be here. It was proof. And I remember
Speaker 3: as I sat there, there was another lady that that
Speaker 3: I had just met this that same year, and I
Speaker 3: called her and she put two and two together six
Speaker 3: months after her husband. God, I don't Thanksgiving in a park,
Speaker 3: So she talked to me, and we talked for about
Speaker 3: an hour. But I still knew what I was going
Speaker 3: to do. You know, I'm just waiting for them to
Speaker 3: leave in the sun to go down. Then I'm going
Speaker 3: to do it. And I remember screaming at God because
Speaker 3: by this time he didn't exist to me, he wasn't real.
Speaker 3: I was mad at him, and I told him, I said,
Speaker 3: if you're real, I said, because I don't believe that
Speaker 3: you are, you'll step in. And I screamed that and
Speaker 3: I was crying. And by this time it's dark. I
Speaker 3: was literally pulling the trigger and it was two little
Speaker 3: kids that popped up in my window. It was pitch
Speaker 3: dark over there. There wasn't a single light there.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and their parents, I'm assuming they were their parents
Speaker 3: behind them with a light on their phone, like just
Speaker 3: walking through. And I remember crying because I said I
Speaker 3: was going to ruin their lives because they would have
Speaker 3: saw it. I said they would have saw everything, and
Speaker 3: I cried and then I went to sleep, like right
Speaker 3: there in the part. I went to sleep for a
Speaker 3: few hours.
Speaker 1: And then when I woke up, that's crazy that release was. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Then I woke up and I went home. I took
Speaker 3: the magazine out the gun and actually have I carry
Speaker 3: the bullet with me everywhere I go. Wow, So I
Speaker 3: have the bullet. And I went home and my little
Speaker 3: boy and met me at the door. He didn't even
Speaker 3: let me get into the house and he hugged me
Speaker 3: and he said, Mom, if you do it, I'm going
Speaker 3: to do it too. And he said thank you for
Speaker 3: coming home. And we made a pinky promise, like right
Speaker 3: there at the door. I said, okay, gonna stay. I said,
Speaker 3: we're both gonna stay. And it's amazing how kids they know.
Speaker 3: You think they don't know, but they know. He said,
Speaker 3: you had the same eyes like my dad. And then
Speaker 3: I think that was actually when I really started the
Speaker 3: process of healing. I wanted to heal and dealing with
Speaker 3: the guilt never went away, and the guilt stays, but
Speaker 3: I learned that you can use it because I equate
Speaker 3: guilt to it's a little bit of love there. So
Speaker 3: it may never go away of me feeling like I
Speaker 3: could have saved him, you know. And I learned that
Speaker 3: even when you're saying things like if I had him known,
Speaker 3: you're still blaming yourself. So I had to learn to
Speaker 3: take the blame off of me, because, like you say, well,
Speaker 3: with Omar wanted, he would have wanted me to live,
Speaker 3: and he would have wanted me well yeah, not just live,
Speaker 3: yeah live well yeah, And that's when I really started,
Speaker 3: like really going within and dealing with sitting with the pain.
Speaker 3: Before I was avoiding the pain. Sitting with the pain, man, I.
Speaker 1: Tell you right now that that part of it. It's
Speaker 1: just sitting and being present in your own pain with
Speaker 1: no outside chemicals, no anything. In the beginning, like I
Speaker 1: would rather get stabbed by a band at in the
Speaker 1: thigh it would be less painful, Like I will never
Speaker 1: forget starting that. And it was like, no wonder, I
Speaker 1: was drunk and high all the time.
Speaker 2: This sucks having to deal with it, having to sit
Speaker 2: in it, but it is so.
Speaker 1: Vital to the process. Yeah.
Speaker 3: I remember when I went to my doctor and I
Speaker 3: was diagnosed with PTSD, and I remember everything that Omar did.
Speaker 3: I was doing the same exact things. I mean, like
Speaker 3: reading a paragraph. I would tell him, you just read that,
Speaker 3: why are you reading that?
Speaker 1: Over?
Speaker 3: And I found myself having to read the paragraphs over
Speaker 3: and over. I like, forgetting everything and doing these things
Speaker 3: and accepting, Okay, well, if this is what I have,
Speaker 3: it doesn't mean that it's not death. And that's why
Speaker 3: I feel like maybe Omar kind of guided me to
Speaker 3: one tribe. You know, I always felt that way.
Speaker 1: That just mean, I just want you to know. But
Speaker 1: now I just had what I call it soul smile,
Speaker 1: like I feel it in my gut, and that's just
Speaker 1: what I had. I just want to share it. I did,
Speaker 1: and I wanted to share it. Thank you.
Speaker 3: And the following Thanksgiving, I'm in a better place. I
Speaker 3: actually went to volunteer at this church. There was a
Speaker 3: guy there and we were outside taking a break. I
Speaker 3: think I was there cutting turkeys and we were taking
Speaker 3: a break and we just started casual conversations and we
Speaker 3: were conversing and just like why are you here, and like,
Speaker 3: you know, just volunteering, And he said, okay, but really,
Speaker 3: why are you here? And I said, well, you know,
Speaker 3: it's just just to you know, to get away and
Speaker 3: just to help and you know, like a lot of
Speaker 3: people here, you know, they don't want to deal with things,
Speaker 3: you know, that's why he was talking. So I told him,
Speaker 3: you know, I lost my husband a year prior to
Speaker 3: this is just my way of giving back. And he
Speaker 3: was asking me things and I was telling him, you know,
Speaker 3: he had post traumatic stress, and you know, he died
Speaker 3: by suicide. And I was telling him little details. He
Speaker 3: was asking me. It's just certain questions I remember. He
Speaker 3: told me. He said, I understand that your husband was
Speaker 3: close and he told you everything, he said, but a
Speaker 3: lot of the things that you're telling me, he said,
Speaker 3: it feels a little different. He said, like you have
Speaker 3: a little too much information. I said, no, we were
Speaker 3: just really close. I didn't tell him, dare tell him
Speaker 3: about myself because I still had that little bit of stigma.
Speaker 3: And then he said, well what he's He said, what
Speaker 3: did your husband call it? And I told him I said,
Speaker 3: well he called it the fucked up place. Excuse me,
Speaker 3: and he said, well, what do you call it? I
Speaker 3: said the dark Hole. I didn't get it then, and
Speaker 3: he said, I said the dark Hole? Said you know,
Speaker 3: a little dark place, man, He said, it goes by
Speaker 3: different names. He said, we all call a death a place,
Speaker 3: you know, a little dark hole, you know. He gave
Speaker 3: me a list of what everyone calls it. He said,
Speaker 3: the problem with your husband was he said that no
Speaker 3: one told him, because I told my husband got better.
Speaker 3: I said, he was doing so much better. And then
Speaker 3: he started going back down a little rabbit hole again.
Speaker 3: He said, Well, he said, no one told your husband
Speaker 3: was that he was going to see that place again,
Speaker 3: and he should have came familiar with it. He said,
Speaker 3: if you become familiar with it, you'll be able to
Speaker 3: catch yourself before you hit the bottom. Yep, he said,
Speaker 3: and no one told him that. He said. He felt
Speaker 3: like he was a failure because he was feeling better
Speaker 3: and then it was happening again, so he felt like
Speaker 3: he was failing and it wasn't going to get any better.
Speaker 3: He said, That's what they should have told him, he said,
Speaker 3: and no one told him that. And I was taking
Speaker 3: all of that in and then I asked him, I said, well,
Speaker 3: what advice would you give? And he grabbed my hand.
Speaker 3: He said, don't be ashamed of it.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 3: I was like, you know, I wanted to be offended, like, no,
Speaker 3: what are you talking about?
Speaker 1: How dare you. I don't feel any shame.
Speaker 3: And he told me, he said, we can identify each other.
Speaker 3: He said, we all recognize each other. And he was military.
Speaker 3: He said he was military. He said, just a few conversations,
Speaker 3: a few words that you said, he said, I already knew,
Speaker 3: he said, not to be ashamed of it. And I
Speaker 3: remember getting back to therapy, like, oh my god, was
Speaker 3: I get the therapist this? And I told my therapist
Speaker 3: and he said, you've been in here close to two years,
Speaker 3: he said, And I've been trying to get this through
Speaker 3: to you, he said, but this one person says it
Speaker 3: to you and you got it. That's always how it
Speaker 3: goes over. And he said, you got it, And yeah,
Speaker 3: I guess. I guess I do have it, you know.
Speaker 3: And then that's when I learned that there is so
Speaker 3: much power, transparency and healing in vulnerability. And after that
Speaker 3: is when I had my first This organization had invited
Speaker 3: me to go to like this Blue Help. There was
Speaker 3: a dinner in Washington. I didn't want to go because
Speaker 3: I felt like, you know, no, you know, that's I
Speaker 3: don't think I'm ready for that. I'm ou thereist said, yeah,
Speaker 3: well you should go, he said, because your funeral here
Speaker 3: was this horrible because my husband's funeral was horrible. He
Speaker 3: said you should go, and I went, and then from
Speaker 3: there I met people there, and yes, I did have
Speaker 3: an emotional breakdown, but I remember telling there was a
Speaker 3: lady on the side of me and everyone seemed to
Speaker 3: be so happy there, and everyone's dressed up and everyone's happy.
Speaker 3: And I remember looking at her and I said, I'm struggling.
Speaker 3: Those are the exact words, and she said me too.
Speaker 3: And that was such a relief because everyone looked happy.
Speaker 3: And I realized then that everyone is wearing a mask.
Speaker 3: Everyone is wearing a mask because I was wearing a mask,
Speaker 3: and that was like a little catalyst for me to
Speaker 3: go a little bit further. And we've actually became pretty
Speaker 3: much the best of friends through this journey. And so
Speaker 3: and I got back. I told my therapist about that,
Speaker 3: and after that, I remember the president of the organization said,
Speaker 3: we want you to come and speak in Colorado, and
Speaker 3: I was like, for what, you know, I can't do that.
Speaker 3: And I talked to my therapist about it, and he said,
Speaker 3: what's the worst thing that could happen? And I said,
Speaker 3: I don't know. He said, what's the worst thing that
Speaker 3: can happen. I said, well, I cry, he said, but
Speaker 3: that's it.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: And once I was on the panel and I did cry,
Speaker 3: but I guess I said enough of what needed to
Speaker 3: have been said. And I still don't remember, but people
Speaker 3: were coming up to me, and I remember as I
Speaker 3: was leaving, I thought a tourum there was a guy
Speaker 3: that was waiting for me to come out, and I
Speaker 3: get Chields and I still think about that. He said,
Speaker 3: I'm going to get the help that I didn't know
Speaker 3: I needed.
Speaker 2: Wow, And I said, it touches just one person, and
Speaker 2: I said, that was why I came exactly.
Speaker 1: That's it. And we don't always know the and we
Speaker 1: don't always know the outcomes or the who we impact
Speaker 1: or any of those things. And you, in particular, with
Speaker 1: your story, it makes people feel safe to follow in
Speaker 1: your vulnerability. I mean, that's a god thing. That's a gift, right,
Speaker 1: and it came from a significant place of tragedy, but
Speaker 1: it is a gift, make no mistake about that. And
Speaker 1: I'm just not only proud of you, but I'm very
Speaker 1: proud for you and the boys and all the work
Speaker 1: you've done to be able to get to where you
Speaker 1: are and continue to heal because, like you said, it
Speaker 1: is a constant evolution. It is an everyday thing. It's
Speaker 1: just like working out right, Like you, Well, I'm going
Speaker 1: to go to the gym a few times and I
Speaker 1: just expect to be in the best shape of my
Speaker 1: life the rest of my life. Nope, that's not how
Speaker 1: it works. Well, your brain, your soul, in your spirit
Speaker 1: is the same way.
Speaker 3: I believe in being wrong because I remember when my
Speaker 3: husband was going through everything and one person said I
Speaker 3: know what you're going through, and he lit up a
Speaker 3: little bit. So I always remember that. And when I
Speaker 3: was struggling, I was looking for people that sounded like me,
Speaker 3: that looked like me. They knew what I was going through.
Speaker 3: And when I say looked like me, I mean on
Speaker 3: the inside that pain. And I didn't want anyone to
Speaker 3: sugarcoat it, because why, it's the reality. It's human. And
Speaker 3: even with my little boy, I think the reason why
Speaker 3: he's healed so much is because I made him stay
Speaker 3: in reality, like this is the reality. Maybe because it's
Speaker 3: my background. I didn't want him to have this whole
Speaker 3: idea that it was going to be so much easier. No,
Speaker 3: it's raw, it's hard. It's hard, but you can get
Speaker 3: through it. You have to do the work. There isn't
Speaker 3: any other way around it. So we try to avoid
Speaker 3: the pain. No sit in it. It changes you, but
Speaker 3: it doesn't have to change you in a bad way.
Speaker 3: I was trying to be the person that I was
Speaker 3: before oldmar died, and I think that's why I was
Speaker 3: falling a lot. But that person died. Who I was
Speaker 3: died with him. I'm a new person now and I
Speaker 3: have to learn who she is. It's gonna take time,
Speaker 3: but it's a journey still. So once I accept that
Speaker 3: I'm not that same person, so much beauty can come.
Speaker 3: Even after that, And even when I facilitate my groups,
Speaker 3: I tell them, you know, we're not the same people.
Speaker 3: We're not so when we try to do that, we're
Speaker 3: trying to fit in a box that we no longer
Speaker 3: belong in. We're new people, And it doesn't mean that
Speaker 3: it's bad. It's actually beautiful because the pain that you
Speaker 3: have you can share with other people because people need
Speaker 3: a light too, People need a guide. I needed a guide.
Speaker 3: So if I would have had someone to say it's
Speaker 3: going to be hard instead of oh, you're going to
Speaker 3: be Okay, you will be but no, it's it's going
Speaker 3: to hurt. You're going to struggle, but you'll get through it,
Speaker 3: because that's what we did. And before I felt like
Speaker 3: I would never smile again, and when I did smile,
Speaker 3: it was fake, and I used to hate myself because
Speaker 3: I was like, I don't even want to go around
Speaker 3: because I'm faking, you know, and I didn't recognize who
Speaker 3: I was. But I can laugh now, I can smile now,
Speaker 3: and it's real, and so I tell people it doesn't
Speaker 3: feel like it, but it's a process. You just have
Speaker 3: to trust that you have to go through the pain
Speaker 3: and become familiar with it, because I've had times where
Speaker 3: I've dropped and I was struggling, but I became familiar
Speaker 3: with it, so I knew that I wasn't going to
Speaker 3: hit the bottle because I became It sounds morbid, but
Speaker 3: I became comfortable with that place, and I became comfortable
Speaker 3: with it because I was able to give myself grace
Speaker 3: to understand that I'm human. I'm going to fall and
Speaker 3: I'm going to struggle, but I get back up because
Speaker 3: that's life. I'll make it through this mountain, and there's
Speaker 3: going to be another mountain, but at least this time,
Speaker 3: I know for a fact it only takes one step.
Speaker 3: So I just keep stepping and keep walking. I'll get there.
Speaker 3: I'll get over that mountain. Then there's going to be
Speaker 3: another mountain. I'll get over that too.
Speaker 2: You inspire me daily and you are such an incredible
Speaker 2: light to this world. Thank you for being our guide
Speaker 2: on this journey. I know this wasn't an easy conversation
Speaker 2: to have, and so we are so truly grateful that
Speaker 2: you were willing to come and be vulnerable and open up,
Speaker 2: and thank you for doing the work and for inspiring
Speaker 2: us all. Thank you for being on the good stuff.
Speaker 3: But leave started here. I tell everywhere I go, every
Speaker 3: place that I speak, that's why I understand how important
Speaker 3: it is to have competent and culturally competent therapists because
Speaker 3: I lived it, so I know how important it is.
Speaker 3: I tell everyone this was the beginning for me, because
Speaker 3: if I didn't have this, I don't know if I
Speaker 3: would even be here, or the quality of life that
Speaker 3: I would have, if it would even be worth it,
Speaker 3: if I didn't have you all and walking in and
Speaker 3: not feeling the stigma, and you guys understanding. There was
Speaker 3: something that you had said. Now my mind just went blame.
Speaker 3: But it was on the interview and it was something
Speaker 3: about you got it from some more was a dragon
Speaker 3: or a beast or something that you said.
Speaker 1: Right, the dragon to change? Yeah, General Krulac, Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I always remember that because that's really what
Speaker 3: that's what it is. And when you would speak, you
Speaker 3: were you humanized my old Mark. That's that's what I
Speaker 3: used to say. You humanized my Omar because to me,
Speaker 3: everyone else saw him as that he was just suicide.
Speaker 3: He was a human that something happened to him. Life
Speaker 3: happened to him, and that was the outcome of what
Speaker 3: life was. But he didn't have the tools to stay here. Now,
Speaker 3: I was blessed to have the tools in order to
Speaker 3: say and just that the way you guys made me
Speaker 3: feel that it wasn't anything to be shamed about. Everyone understood.
Speaker 3: That took like a whole burden off of having to
Speaker 3: try to pretend to be something else. I didn't have
Speaker 3: to pretend. I didn't have to hide because everyone knew
Speaker 3: what was going on, because someone was affected by it
Speaker 3: and they knew someone And that made a big difference
Speaker 3: in my healing. I would telling the people at the
Speaker 3: other organization, I wish that everybody had this organization. I
Speaker 3: wish because they asked me, how did you get where
Speaker 3: you are? You seem so much stronger, And I was like,
Speaker 3: I don't I never saw strength. I just said I'm
Speaker 3: just here. But they were like, no, you seem so strong,
Speaker 3: and how do I get to where you are?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 3: So just take what I learned and give it to them.
Speaker 3: But I wish that they all had this. I wish
Speaker 3: that everyone could come here. You know, even when I
Speaker 3: like officers that I would tell them, hey, you need
Speaker 3: to go there, and because they'll listen, especially, they'll listen
Speaker 3: to I think they listened to me more because yep,
Speaker 3: I was my husband and because I was there, and
Speaker 3: because of the environment, I think they talk to me more.
Speaker 3: Like the guys actually will open up to me more.
Speaker 1: Yeah, unfortunately, and it's because of unfortunate credibility that you
Speaker 1: now have. Yeah, and it shouldn't take that, But that's
Speaker 1: driven by the stigma in the labeling and the stereotypes,
Speaker 1: and it's driven by that, and that is a hard
Speaker 1: mold to break. Man trying for over a decade still
Speaker 1: a thing, you.
Speaker 2: Know, and it's the I'm just so glad that you're
Speaker 2: there for them, that you are.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and look, make no mistake, I'm so grateful that
Speaker 1: you found us too, And I'm fer Honda, you've done
Speaker 1: the work right. We were just a conduit. That's it. Like,
Speaker 1: we can't do the work for you. You have to
Speaker 1: do that. Don't forget the vital task of giving yourself
Speaker 1: credit where credit is due. Don't forget that because that's
Speaker 1: super important too. It's okay to take a minute to
Speaker 1: do the pad on the back and be like, hey,
Speaker 1: you are pretty badass, Like that's okay, that's needed, right
Speaker 1: because you've earned that. Talking about badges, we're that badge
Speaker 1: with pride because you did the work. Nobody else did
Speaker 1: it for you, and you still do the work.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm proud of myself as you should be.
Speaker 2: As you should be. Sharonda Calderon, thank you so much
Speaker 2: for being part of the good stuff.
Speaker 3: Thank you.
Speaker 1: We're so very grateful Shiranda had the strength encouraged to
Speaker 1: share her story with us today. And we will continue
Speaker 1: to speak O marcle Lron's name as we are all
Speaker 1: the gatekeepers of his legacy.
Speaker 2: Never forgotten Thank you so much for listening. If this
Speaker 2: episode touched you today, please share it and be part
Speaker 2: of making someone else's day better.
Speaker 1: Put on your bad ass caves like Shiranda and go
Speaker 1: be great today, and remember you can't do epic stuff
Speaker 1: without epic people. Thank you for listening to the good Stuff.
Speaker 1: The Good Stuff is executive produced by Ashley Schick, Jacob Schick,
Speaker 1: Leah Pictures and q Code Media. Hosted by Ashley Shick
Speaker 1: and Jacob Shick, Produced by Nick Cassilini and Ryan Countshouse
Speaker 1: host production supervisor Will Tindi. Music editing by Will Haywood Smith,
Speaker 1: edited by Mike Robinson,