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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Good Stuff. I'm Jacob Schick and I'm

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Speaker 1: joined by my co host and wife, Ashley Shick.

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Speaker 2: Jake is a third generation combat Marine and I'm a

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Speaker 2: gold Star granddaughter. We work together to serve military veterans,

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Speaker 2: first responders, frontline healthcare workers, and their families with mental

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Speaker 2: and emotional wellness through traditional and non traditional therapy. At

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Speaker 2: One Tribe Foundation, we.

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Speaker 1: Believe everyone has a story to tell, not only about

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Speaker 1: the peaks, but also the valleys they've been through to

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Speaker 1: get them to where they are today.

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Speaker 2: Each week, we invite a guest to tell us their story,

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Speaker 2: to share with us the lessons they've learned that shaped

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Speaker 2: who they are and what they're doing to pay it

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Speaker 2: forward and give back.

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Speaker 1: Our mission with this show is to dig deep into

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Speaker 1: our guest's journey so that we can celebrate the hope

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Speaker 1: and inspiration their story has to offer.

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Speaker 2: We're thrilled you're joining us again.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Good Stuff.

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Speaker 2: Our guest today is Sharonda Calderon. She's a mother business woman,

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Speaker 2: board member, and she is a widow.

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Speaker 1: Sharanda is here today to tell us the story of

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Speaker 1: losing her late husband, Dallas Sheriff's Deputy Omar Calderon when

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Speaker 1: he took his own life. Her story is about the

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Speaker 1: devastating effects of suicide and the grit and determination it

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Speaker 1: took for her to keep pushing forward in spite of

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Speaker 1: the pain.

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Speaker 2: This conversation is raw and real, and Shronda is such

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Speaker 2: a huge advocate, both personally and professionally for mental wellness

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Speaker 2: and getting the help we all need at times.

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Speaker 1: Like the two of us, Sharanda knows the healing power

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Speaker 1: of being open and honest and telling your story.

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Speaker 2: We are so excited today to be joined by Sharonda Calderon.

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Speaker 2: Thank you so much for being here with us on

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Speaker 2: the good stuff.

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Speaker 3: Thank you for having me of course.

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Speaker 2: Now, we met you through actually One Tribe Foundation, through

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Speaker 2: our Watch program, which is an acronym because everything in

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Speaker 2: the military and law enforcement seems like is an acronym.

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Speaker 2: We are the children of Heroes, and we actually met

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Speaker 2: you through that organization. We're just so thrilled to have

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Speaker 2: you here because we've gotten to know you over the

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Speaker 2: years and you're always such a positive light and every

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Speaker 2: time we see you, you just make us smile, You

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Speaker 2: just make us happy. Thank you, of course, So we

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Speaker 2: will get into how you even came to be part

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Speaker 2: of the tribe as we call it. So tell us

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Speaker 2: a little bit about your background here in Dallas, Texas.

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Speaker 3: Actually I've been Dallas. I met my husband here as well,

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Speaker 3: Deputy I'm a metal called that on and he was

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Speaker 3: an eighteen year veteran with the Dallas County Shares Apartment.

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Speaker 3: Fortunately he died by suicide. That was in twenty eighteen.

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Speaker 3: And from there, that's where I met you guys. I

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Speaker 3: remember losing everything on that day, a day after, well,

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Speaker 3: I will say a day after my husband's funeral. I

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Speaker 3: remember my little boy came into the room and he

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Speaker 3: said that he found the way that he could hug

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Speaker 3: his dad, but he didn't want to tell me, and

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Speaker 3: I had to encourage him to tell me. And that's

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Speaker 3: when he said, if I kill mysel So I was

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Speaker 3: broken and from there I didn't know what to do.

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Speaker 3: So I called our PCP and I was told that, well,

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Speaker 3: your insurance was canceled. My husband was found on a Friday,

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Speaker 3: and our insurance was canceled on a Saturday. At that time,

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Speaker 3: I was a stay at home mom. I didn't know

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Speaker 3: what to do. I was broken. I it's just a

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Speaker 3: whole just that feeling back then, just being numb, but

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Speaker 3: just full of pain. And I was I was given

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Speaker 3: up even then, but I didn't want to give up

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Speaker 3: on them. Someone had contacted me. It was almost like

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Speaker 3: a little secret sir. I don't know. I always say that.

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Speaker 3: It felt like like something off TV. I received a

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Speaker 3: phone call from someone. She left a message and I

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Speaker 3: was going to call her back maybe, But then there

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Speaker 3: was a deputy that worked with my husband and I

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Speaker 3: because we both worked the Shaff's apartment together, and he said, so,

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Speaker 3: I was going to call you. She's legit and asked

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Speaker 3: the phone. So I called her back and she said

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Speaker 3: what do you need? And I said, I don't know,

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Speaker 3: but I just need to give my children therapy. I

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Speaker 3: need insurance. That's all that I need for my kids.

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Speaker 3: And she said, call this number. I called the number

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Speaker 3: and it was amazing, Joaiquing. I'll always remember that name.

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Speaker 3: He answered the phone and he said we've been expecting

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Speaker 3: your call. And I was like, okay, and he said

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Speaker 3: can you come in? When can you come in? And

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Speaker 3: I came in. I brought my boys with me. Yes,

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Speaker 3: we did the assessment, you know, I guess the initial

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Speaker 3: conversations and then I said, but this is all that

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Speaker 3: I have money set aside, and I just want to

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Speaker 3: get I just want you guys to get my boy's therapy.

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Speaker 3: That's all. That's the reason why I'm here. And I

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Speaker 3: remember my therapist at the time, he said, no, we're

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Speaker 3: going to give you and the boy's therapy. And they said,

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Speaker 3: your money's not needed. You know, it's not wanted here.

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Speaker 3: So if it takes thirty days or thirty years, we

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Speaker 3: got you. Wow. And that was the day I feel

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Speaker 3: like we're gonna be okay, and my boys are gonna

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Speaker 3: be okay. That is actually my background of I got

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Speaker 3: to be a part of the tribe. That's right.

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Speaker 2: Oh, and such a huge part you are. It gives

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Speaker 2: me goosebumps just to hear that story because knowing that's

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Speaker 2: what we do, but just to hear what it meant

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Speaker 2: to you at that point in time in your life.

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Speaker 1: Take us back to the beginning. How did you and

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Speaker 1: Omar meet?

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Speaker 3: Well, ironically, we actually met in high school. We didn't

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Speaker 3: know each other until later when we looked at a picture.

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Speaker 3: I went to this high school for health profession so

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Speaker 3: it was like health magnet. It was downtown and he

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Speaker 3: went to another school, although on the other side of town.

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Speaker 3: They were just coming by to just look at the

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Speaker 3: girls at the school. And I remember a guy that

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Speaker 3: he was on a it was a dark bus. He

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Speaker 3: was on the dart bus and he was like, can

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Speaker 3: I get your number? And I was like yeah. It

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Speaker 3: was like surprise, and he tried to come back, but

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Speaker 3: I had left. There was a picture of him in

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Speaker 3: the background because to my friends and we were all

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Speaker 3: taking pictures and there was a picture the background and

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Speaker 3: I found that picture years later and I was like,

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Speaker 3: oh my god, like, who was that back there? He

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Speaker 3: was like that's mean. He was like I remember that

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Speaker 3: day and he's like that was you and I was like, yeah,

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Speaker 3: that was me. Wow. Yeah. But when we, I guess

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Speaker 3: officially met it was at the Sheriff's apartment. Both of

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Speaker 3: us had started working there as correction officers. He had

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Speaker 3: to start there in order to be a deputy, so

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Speaker 3: you have to start there on the ground level. And

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Speaker 3: we met there and a year or so later we

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Speaker 3: were together.

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Speaker 2: Sparked, yeah, awesome, what made you want to go into

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Speaker 2: that line and profession?

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Speaker 3: I actually went in. It was supposed to be for

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Speaker 3: an internship, so I needed internship hours. But I had

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Speaker 3: two boys already, so I couldn't afford to do internships.

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Speaker 3: So I went there for that and I was going

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Speaker 3: to take those hours and you know, transfer them over

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Speaker 3: just to keep going. It was in criminal justice, and

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Speaker 3: I was you know, you had to have those little hours.

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Speaker 3: Omar went in because he wanted to be become a deputy.

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Speaker 3: You know, it was either going to be that or

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Speaker 3: a nurse. He fit the mold for to be a deputy.

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Speaker 3: So that's actually how we ended up there. What was

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Speaker 3: he like? Oh my god, he was charismatic. He was

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Speaker 3: laid back. He didn't let a lot get to him,

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Speaker 3: you know, and everyone came to him. He was delightful

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Speaker 3: the party. He was very funny. He didn't meet a stranger.

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Speaker 3: Everyone like immediately love him. Now. He looked mean and

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Speaker 3: he was rough around the edges. He was he was,

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Speaker 3: I guess, you know, the ying to my yang. You know,

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Speaker 3: he was very rough around the edges. He would say

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Speaker 3: anything and I would say, oh, Mark, don't say that.

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Speaker 3: You know, that was the right thing to say, Yeah,

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Speaker 3: like why are you worried about what they say? You know?

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Speaker 3: That was that was That's who he was. He could

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Speaker 3: say no all the time, and I was the one

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Speaker 3: that would say yes all the time. So we balanced

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Speaker 3: each other out. So I would get him to say yes,

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Speaker 3: and he would say no for me, and we kind

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Speaker 3: of depended on each other for that. Well, he didn't

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Speaker 3: depend on me saying yes for him, but I kind

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Speaker 3: of depended on him just to say no. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: We joke about that all the time, that Jake brings

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Speaker 2: me back down to ground and I bring him up.

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Speaker 3: To the clouds.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes it's it's that good match.

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Speaker 1: So right, Yeah, I got it to that ability to

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Speaker 1: say no. It's such a huge thing.

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Speaker 2: Well was it like to spring your romance in that environment?

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Speaker 1: Oh?

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Speaker 3: It was difficult because I was always raised, you know,

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Speaker 3: never get your money where you get your honey, you know,

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Speaker 3: so you never do that. And I was against it,

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Speaker 3: and he would always pursue me and I would say no.

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Speaker 3: So we became friends. So we were like friends for

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Speaker 3: pretty much a whole year. He was like no, he said,

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Speaker 3: I had a game plan. I was in you. That's

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Speaker 3: what I was doing, playing that slow game. Yeah, And

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Speaker 3: I would say no, and he would always ask me,

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Speaker 3: are you going to be my girl? Like no, it's

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Speaker 3: like you're going to be my girl. No, And I

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Speaker 3: was like, no, I can no, I can't do that.

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Speaker 3: You know, I have to focus on my kids. I

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Speaker 3: was focused on school. I always had an excuse. And

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Speaker 3: then I remember one day he told me, and it

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Speaker 3: was a Wednesday, specifically, I would remember that it was

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Speaker 3: a Wednesday, and he said, you know what, I'm not

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Speaker 3: going to ask you anymore. He said, you're going to

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Speaker 3: keep shooting me down. He said, so, if you just

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Speaker 3: want us to be friends at work, then we'll just

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Speaker 3: be friends at work, he said, But I'm not going

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Speaker 3: to keep asking you.

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Speaker 1: And then I was like, okay, let's do this and

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Speaker 1: that ladies and gentlemen, is called reverse psychology.

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Speaker 3: Yes, game, Yeah, that's awesome. That is awesome.

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Speaker 2: And he definitely was lucky. Man. I mean, you were

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Speaker 2: an absolute catch. One of the things that we love

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Speaker 2: so much about you. Not only are you beautiful, but

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Speaker 2: you walk into a room and you can just feel

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Speaker 2: the energy level go up. You are one of those

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Speaker 2: people that are just truly magnetic. So good on him

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Speaker 2: for playing that role and closing the deal like that.

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Speaker 3: Thank you.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean you are Actually it's right, and we've

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Speaker 1: expressed this to you you're a light. You know you

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Speaker 1: are a light.

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Speaker 3: Thank you totally agree.

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Speaker 2: Tell us about when you and Omar finally did get together.

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Speaker 2: Now you had two boys.

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Speaker 3: Oh that those are his kids. And if you would

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Speaker 3: say stepdad, that is he would say the whole other

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Speaker 3: side him. And it was not pretty, really it was.

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Speaker 3: It was not pretty. That's all his kids. Yeah, that's awesome.

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Speaker 3: Those are his babies, his boys. I remember he brought

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Speaker 3: his partner was it wasn't his normal as usual partner,

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Speaker 3: but it was a partner, and he brought him by

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Speaker 3: the house and he said, yeah, my son, I want

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Speaker 3: you to meet my son. I have my son to

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Speaker 3: come out here. He need to, you know, bring my

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Speaker 3: credit card out here. I left it. The guy he said,

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Speaker 3: I see this six two six three tall black guy

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Speaker 3: walk out, and he's like, that's my baby boy, right,

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Speaker 3: there's baby. He was like, somebody should tell you something's

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Speaker 3: wrong there, but I'm not gonna say anything. Right. Oh

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Speaker 3: that's great.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And then you but your family grew and you

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Speaker 2: were blessed with Omario.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, in two thousand and six, I was blessed with Omari.

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Speaker 3: And then you know, it happened and he's like, yeah,

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Speaker 3: you know, that's my baby, and he was like my

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Speaker 3: baby boy. He used to call him Marian baby boy.

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Speaker 3: So for the longest A Marian thought his name was

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Speaker 3: a Marian baby boys. So somebody asked him, what's your name?

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Speaker 3: You say Marian baby boy? I love that?

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Speaker 2: And how did your relationship and everything grow after Amaran

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Speaker 2: was born?

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Speaker 3: It was always just us. Even from before a Marian,

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Speaker 3: it seemed like it was just Omar and the two

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Speaker 3: boy extra three boys because I raised my nephew as well,

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Speaker 3: so it was just the three boys, Omar and myself

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Speaker 3: and we did everything together, and A Marian was just

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Speaker 3: another piece of the puzzle that was always meant to

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Speaker 3: be there. Omar's legacy.

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Speaker 2: He also alight, we love him, Todae.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, he's such a great kid.

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Speaker 3: He really is.

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Speaker 1: He's such a great kid. I mean, I love it

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Speaker 1: when you guys come to the game nights and you know,

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Speaker 1: when we're able to come, I look for him like

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Speaker 1: I see come out because I'm I just got a

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Speaker 1: hog got kid, you know, I just got to get

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Speaker 1: just a little bit. It's soul food.

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Speaker 2: It is soul food to see both of you. Omarian

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Speaker 2: comes into your life and it's complete right and omar Meanwhile,

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Speaker 2: it's still working now as a deputy. Yes, tell us

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Speaker 2: about his journey through that and the pressures that come

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Speaker 2: with that job.

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Speaker 3: Well, he worked in a warranton execution from the time

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Speaker 3: he graduated deputy academy. Yeah, so he was there from

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Speaker 3: the beginning. Also, he's competitive with all of his arrests,

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Speaker 3: and he didn't want to be an FTO, but he

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Speaker 3: pretty much was one field training officers, sorry, a field

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Speaker 3: training officer. People wanted to work with him because he

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Speaker 3: was real calm and he would tell them what to do,

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Speaker 3: and he would tell them always the right thing. That's

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Speaker 3: the one thing that people said after he died that

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Speaker 3: he always taught me the right way and said, hey,

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Speaker 3: if you do it on your own, that's one thing,

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Speaker 3: but this is the way it's supposed to be done.

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Speaker 3: And he was always about business, like we can play later,

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Speaker 3: but it's about business with this. He was a great officer.

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Speaker 3: That was actually one of the things that attracted me

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Speaker 3: to him was his work ethics. He could get it

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Speaker 3: done and he was about business and he knew how

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Speaker 3: to separate it and he wasn't one of those that

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Speaker 3: liked to like lay back and not do the job. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: even as a police officer, there were people that would

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Speaker 3: tell me, hey, he would stop and give people gas

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Speaker 3: if they were on the side of the road. You

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Speaker 3: know that that was Omar, Yeah.

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Speaker 1: The servant's heart.

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Speaker 2: Yes, where did that come from?

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Speaker 3: His dad was actually a police officer in Mexico, you know,

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Speaker 3: even in the army, So I think maybe that's where

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Speaker 3: he got it from. But out of all of his siblings,

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Speaker 3: he's the one that's always been about people, you know,

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Speaker 3: and helping people.

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Speaker 2: And see why y'all were such a great pair. So

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Speaker 2: when did you feel a shift in him?

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Speaker 3: Twenty sixteen exactly. That's when I noticed change when we

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Speaker 3: had the shooting. Yeah, he became a little more emotional then,

293
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Speaker 3: and he was a little more withdrawn. That's when we

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Speaker 3: actually start having problems at home, where he was everything.

295
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Speaker 3: I couldn't say anything because he felt I was attacking

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Speaker 3: him and we would go back and forth with that,

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Speaker 3: and I was at home. But the whole point of

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Speaker 3: me being at home to just stay at home mom.

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Speaker 3: I was supposed to, Okay, we're gonna let our son

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Speaker 3: make it to middle school. That I was going to

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Speaker 3: go back to work, and actually I had got hired

302
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Speaker 3: on through DPD and that was the police Department, and

303
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Speaker 3: I wanted to go back, and so we started arguing

304
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Speaker 3: a lot about that, like why do you want to go?

305
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Speaker 3: What's the rush? You know he has made it to

306
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Speaker 3: middle school yet, and I would tell him, you don't

307
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Speaker 3: know what it's like. Everyone is like doing everything and

308
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Speaker 3: I want to do that before I get too old.

309
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Speaker 3: So but I can do other things. And so that's

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Speaker 3: when the change started.

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Speaker 2: Then do you feel like he was protecting you?

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Speaker 3: I know that he was protecting me, now, yeah, I

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Speaker 3: know it.

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Speaker 2: I remember how just horrific that that night was the

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Speaker 2: Dallas five and how hard this not only this community,

316
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Speaker 2: but this country and those that felt it, Like I

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Speaker 2: can't imagine what he went through being right there so

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Speaker 2: close to it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, senseless, senseless acts of violence. And uh, it's crazy

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Speaker 1: because when I as asked that question and you said

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Speaker 1: without hesitation and with such conviction twenty sixteen, like you

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Speaker 1: didn't even hesitate, that goes to show from the people

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Speaker 1: listening that that is, you haven't forgotten anything, you haven't

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Speaker 1: suppressed anything. You've done a lot of work. I mean,

325
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Speaker 1: I know because we've been able to together. Yeah. I

326
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Speaker 1: mean we've been able to have you around for quite

327
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Speaker 1: some time. But it's to be able to know that

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Speaker 1: it's it's really no different than when people ask me, like, well,

329
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Speaker 1: when did you get hit and it's two thousand and four,

330
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Speaker 1: because it was very significant, it was an abrupt shift.

331
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Speaker 1: And when doctor Bessel vander Kolk talks about the issue

332
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Speaker 1: user and the tissues like it's there at the molecular

333
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Speaker 1: level and that's why this work is so important. And

334
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Speaker 1: continue to do the deep dives and the self discovered

335
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Speaker 1: journeys and the self healing and the healthy selfish and

336
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:19,920
Speaker 1: like it's so vital because it never goes away. In

337
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:23,640
Speaker 1: twenty sixteen, I mean that's almost not too long. That'll

338
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:27,160
Speaker 1: be a decade. And then every year, especially here in

339
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Speaker 1: the DFW area, the Dallas five, when that anniversary comes up,

340
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Speaker 1: you know, I mean it's we make a big deal

341
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:36,120
Speaker 1: of it, as we should on all those legacies. I mean,

342
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Speaker 1: it's a it's just such a thankless job, such a

343
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Speaker 1: thankless job that I can say no amount of money

344
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Speaker 1: could get me to do that job. Especially now.

345
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Speaker 2: Did y'all feel that in this climate of the everyone

346
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Speaker 2: hates cops or did y'all feel any of that.

347
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Speaker 3: He did. I think it's because you know, we were

348
00:16:57,240 --> 00:17:00,440
Speaker 3: aware of it. I think there was a s but

349
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:03,120
Speaker 3: we could feel the shift because we were aware because

350
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,760
Speaker 3: you're always heighten all you know, you're trained, so you

351
00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:10,840
Speaker 3: know what's what's there sure, and when you see the

352
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:14,439
Speaker 3: many protests and you see the shootings, and then you

353
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Speaker 3: feel it, especially with him being out there a little

354
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:22,160
Speaker 3: more fearful of what could the possibilities of what could happen?

355
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Speaker 3: What if I don't come home see you all? What if?

356
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Speaker 3: And I remember him saying, you know, both of us

357
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:29,919
Speaker 3: should be putting our lives on the line. And he's like, so,

358
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Speaker 3: why do you want to do this? He would always say,

359
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:33,080
Speaker 3: why do you want to do this? What do you

360
00:17:33,119 --> 00:17:35,119
Speaker 3: have to prove? It was like the same thing that

361
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,000
Speaker 3: you have to prove, you know, That was our argument,

362
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Speaker 3: But he was both of us shouldn't have to do this.

363
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Speaker 2: Definitely protecting you. Did he when he started to struggle?

364
00:17:44,359 --> 00:17:45,320
Speaker 2: Did he open up to you?

365
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,720
Speaker 3: I made him. That was another thing. I felt like

366
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:53,080
Speaker 3: I was pushing him. But he told me actually the

367
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:56,400
Speaker 3: day that he left that he thanked me for doing

368
00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:59,320
Speaker 3: all of that, So I knew a lot of what

369
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:01,199
Speaker 3: he was going through. I know a lot of his

370
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:04,960
Speaker 3: feelings because he would tell me, not because he would

371
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,560
Speaker 3: do it on his own, it's because I would make

372
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:11,320
Speaker 3: him tell me. So, yeah, that change in him, and

373
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:13,760
Speaker 3: I made him go to the doctor. He didn't want

374
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,520
Speaker 3: to go, but he really didn't have much a choice

375
00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:17,960
Speaker 3: to shut me up. He would go and I remember

376
00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:21,760
Speaker 3: because I feel like his tesoscerone levels were low. I said,

377
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:25,719
Speaker 3: this is the problems, like low libido. You know, you're irritable,

378
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:29,520
Speaker 3: You're this. I was like, you fit this, and we

379
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:33,240
Speaker 3: need to go and get your disosterone levels. And I'm

380
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,600
Speaker 3: a man, I don't need to what you're talking about esoscerone.

381
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:40,080
Speaker 3: I'm fine. But eventually we went and they were extremely low.

382
00:18:40,359 --> 00:18:44,880
Speaker 3: But he was also diagnosed with bipolar two disorder, and

383
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:49,080
Speaker 3: he said, I'm not crazy, but he didn't accept that.

384
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:51,719
Speaker 3: He didn't want to, so I said, okay, well go

385
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:54,040
Speaker 3: and get another opinion. By this time, he was still

386
00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:58,000
Speaker 3: getting the injections, and actually he was so terrified of

387
00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:02,440
Speaker 3: the injections. He would take a whole hour to put

388
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,800
Speaker 3: this one needle in his thigh and I would tell

389
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,400
Speaker 3: him I'll do it, and he was like I did

390
00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:09,240
Speaker 3: it one time, he said. He called my mom told

391
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,919
Speaker 3: everybody I was trying to kill him because I just

392
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:14,080
Speaker 3: shove the needle down. He was like, why would you

393
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:15,480
Speaker 3: even do that? He was like, I don't want you

394
00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:17,960
Speaker 3: to do it. But he would take literally a whole

395
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:21,240
Speaker 3: almost an hour because he had to take it every

396
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,680
Speaker 3: like every Tuesday or Wednesday, I don't remember the exact day,

397
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:30,320
Speaker 3: but he would sit there the needle. He was terrified

398
00:19:30,359 --> 00:19:32,680
Speaker 3: of it. So we went and got a second opinion

399
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:37,160
Speaker 3: and they diagnosed him with major depressive disorder. And he said, see,

400
00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:39,760
Speaker 3: I told you, none of those doctors know what they're

401
00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:42,120
Speaker 3: talking about. It's all about money. This all the scams

402
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:45,879
Speaker 3: about money. He was like, I'm just tired. Some people

403
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:49,520
Speaker 3: when they're struggling, they have all they they'll turn to drinking,

404
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:51,080
Speaker 3: they'll turn to I was.

405
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:55,600
Speaker 1: Gonna ask like, did you see any self medicating behaviors

406
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:56,720
Speaker 1: start to happen with him?

407
00:19:57,040 --> 00:19:58,280
Speaker 3: He did, but he did it with work.

408
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:01,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's which is I think. I'm glad you bring

409
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:06,000
Speaker 1: that up. It's very important, is that there's lots of

410
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:09,720
Speaker 1: ways to self medicate outside of drugs and alcohol. You know,

411
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:11,639
Speaker 1: you can do it with your work. You can do

412
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:15,040
Speaker 1: it to the gym, you can do with church, your religion.

413
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:19,119
Speaker 1: There's lots of ways. And look the Lota sash stuff

414
00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:23,879
Speaker 1: people need, like men need to understand. It's just like

415
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:30,360
Speaker 1: it's normal with aging, right, And it's just like every day,

416
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:32,119
Speaker 1: every morning I wake up, I have to put on

417
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:35,920
Speaker 1: a leg to go use the bathroom. It's a tool,

418
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,280
Speaker 1: it's just part of it. And if there's ways to

419
00:20:39,359 --> 00:20:42,600
Speaker 1: counteract that. It doesn't mean there's something like, oh, there's

420
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,560
Speaker 1: something wrong with me. No, it means that you're aging

421
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:48,000
Speaker 1: like the rest of the world. That's what that means.

422
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:51,639
Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with that. It just happens. And the

423
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:56,320
Speaker 1: same with being diagnosed with major depressive disorder or bipolar two.

424
00:20:56,480 --> 00:21:00,439
Speaker 1: I'm not crazy, that's not what that means. Doesn't mean

425
00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:05,400
Speaker 1: you're crazy. It just means you need a little adjustment

426
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:09,040
Speaker 1: and some chemicals that your body naturally produces. That's all

427
00:21:09,119 --> 00:21:12,720
Speaker 1: it means, you know. And I think that's why, especially

428
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:17,320
Speaker 1: in the law enforcement community and first sponder community, that

429
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,480
Speaker 1: they just turn their head from it because of all

430
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:23,560
Speaker 1: the stigmatization, all the labeling. They need help with empowerment,

431
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:27,520
Speaker 1: the courage you have to not only walk in this

432
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:31,320
Speaker 1: place today to do this stuff. But all the time.

433
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,520
Speaker 1: I mean now, I mean you're here a lot though,

434
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,480
Speaker 1: you know, you bring omar in and you guys, you're

435
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:40,560
Speaker 1: very involved, and that's a scary thing. It's a hard thing.

436
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:43,040
Speaker 1: Just like every morning I get up and I put

437
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:46,800
Speaker 1: my leg on, like that's a daily reminder of a

438
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:50,960
Speaker 1: significant tragedy that happened in my life. Right Well, every

439
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:54,240
Speaker 1: time you walk in these doors, same thing. There's a

440
00:21:54,359 --> 00:21:57,359
Speaker 1: reason you're here, and you face it and you do

441
00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:01,359
Speaker 1: it anyway. That's courage. That's the epitome of courage.

442
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:06,000
Speaker 3: Actually, that's what I felt in the very beginning. We're

443
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:08,600
Speaker 3: coming here and my boys, that was the thing they

444
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:12,159
Speaker 3: the older ones didn't really want and a Mariin he

445
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:14,040
Speaker 3: wanted to. I think they were all doing it in

446
00:22:14,119 --> 00:22:17,720
Speaker 3: the beginning, just for me. Yeah, And it was a reminder.

447
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:20,639
Speaker 3: That's when Martin said, it's a reminders, but it's a

448
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:23,040
Speaker 3: reminder all day, every day that your dad is gone.

449
00:22:23,359 --> 00:22:24,920
Speaker 3: But I felt that exact way that it was a

450
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:29,480
Speaker 3: reminder until it became okay, that's that's a place of

451
00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:30,200
Speaker 3: healing for me.

452
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:31,680
Speaker 1: Absolutely.

453
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:32,160
Speaker 3: Yeah.

454
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:35,440
Speaker 1: And then one of the questions that has posed a

455
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:39,560
Speaker 1: lot and I know you've heard it. What would Omar want?

456
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,760
Speaker 3: Yeah, he would want to He wanted me right here.

457
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:45,040
Speaker 3: And I will tell you it's funny that you say that.

458
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:49,440
Speaker 3: Because I had so much guilt, I blamed myself for

459
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:52,159
Speaker 3: his death. Of course, I used to say that I

460
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:54,360
Speaker 3: was the murderer. I would call myself. I said, I'm

461
00:22:54,359 --> 00:22:56,520
Speaker 3: the murderer. I just didn't use my hands. But I'm

462
00:22:56,560 --> 00:23:00,119
Speaker 3: the reason why he's gone. Why because when he he

463
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:04,560
Speaker 3: attempted in twenty seventeen, and maybe a week or two

464
00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:07,280
Speaker 3: before that time, it was like it was around fair

465
00:23:07,359 --> 00:23:11,239
Speaker 3: time and he was so sad, and I was telling him, hey,

466
00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:12,880
Speaker 3: if you don't get this together, and if you don't

467
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:15,600
Speaker 3: take care of yourself, we're going to have to split up,

468
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:18,040
Speaker 3: trying to do a little tough love. I wasn't going anywhere,

469
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:24,439
Speaker 3: and he had told me that he was thinking about

470
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:28,200
Speaker 3: like taking his life. In the house, he said, you know,

471
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:30,000
Speaker 3: I was looking around and thinking, you know, maybe I

472
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:32,399
Speaker 3: could do this, And then he said then I thought no,

473
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,960
Speaker 3: I wouldn't want you all to find me. And the

474
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,840
Speaker 3: next morning when he left, I asked him, I said,

475
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:40,760
Speaker 3: when you come home, can we talk about it? And

476
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:42,800
Speaker 3: it was almost like he was relieved a little bit.

477
00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:46,280
Speaker 3: So I asked him, if you were going to take

478
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,760
Speaker 3: your life, what would you do? And he said, I'll

479
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:52,240
Speaker 3: go down south, which within Warrens they knew every little

480
00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:55,560
Speaker 3: nick and cranny everything everywhere, he said, So, which would

481
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:57,320
Speaker 3: be like tor Waco and all? He said, I would

482
00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:59,040
Speaker 3: go down south, he said, and I would find a

483
00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:01,880
Speaker 3: little spot in there and I would do it there.

484
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,520
Speaker 3: And I told him myself, but then we would never

485
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:07,240
Speaker 3: find you. Then, how do you think that would make

486
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:11,240
Speaker 3: us feel? If we never found you? But he was spiraling.

487
00:24:12,119 --> 00:24:14,320
Speaker 3: I had called him, actually had my son to call him.

488
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:17,520
Speaker 3: He didn't answer the phone, and he wants some splend

489
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:20,240
Speaker 3: of text messages. So I had my nephew to call

490
00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:23,240
Speaker 3: the office and see, you know, was he there? So

491
00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:25,320
Speaker 3: maybe he has training? And they was like, no, he

492
00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:28,920
Speaker 3: called in. He never called into work, so I knew

493
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:31,360
Speaker 3: something was up. So I called lieutenant and I said, hey,

494
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:33,880
Speaker 3: I'm gonna be full of transparent with you. We're having

495
00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:36,440
Speaker 3: some family issues and I'm worried about him. I didn't

496
00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:38,439
Speaker 3: have to go into details. I didn't have to say anything.

497
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:41,119
Speaker 3: He said okay, and he said, yeah, you're right. He

498
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:44,280
Speaker 3: hasn't been looking right, you know. Someone else said they

499
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:46,840
Speaker 3: noticed that he looked a little different. So that day

500
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:49,080
Speaker 3: they put a bolo out on him, which is to

501
00:24:49,119 --> 00:24:52,920
Speaker 3: be on the lookout. And that was a one long,

502
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:57,160
Speaker 3: hard night and they had a car that was parked

503
00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,920
Speaker 3: in front of our house. Everyone was looking, every agency

504
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:02,639
Speaker 3: was looking for him. Well, he called me, and it

505
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:05,719
Speaker 3: was on Thursday morning. He actually called, so we were

506
00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:08,560
Speaker 3: able to ping his phone and I was keeping him

507
00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:11,000
Speaker 3: on the line and I told him he said, can

508
00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:13,200
Speaker 3: I come home? He sounded like a baby and I

509
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:15,159
Speaker 3: was like, yeah, you can come home. And he was like,

510
00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:19,160
Speaker 3: really it was not him and I said, yes, baby,

511
00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:20,800
Speaker 3: please come home. I was like we all love you.

512
00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:23,720
Speaker 3: And he was like I'm sorry and I said no,

513
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:25,719
Speaker 3: just come home, and he said, there's a squad car

514
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,800
Speaker 3: behind me. So by this time, my nephew had called

515
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:31,080
Speaker 3: the department to say hey, I'm on the phone with them,

516
00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:33,359
Speaker 3: but they had already paying design and I didn't know

517
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:35,960
Speaker 3: that he was speeding. So the lieutenant was telling me

518
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:38,320
Speaker 3: while I'm talking to him, it's like, tell him to

519
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:41,440
Speaker 3: slow down. And I said, you know, Omar, I said,

520
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:44,560
Speaker 3: you know, are you speeding? He was like I'm trying

521
00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:46,600
Speaker 3: to get away from them. It was like he forgot

522
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:49,960
Speaker 3: that he was a police officer. He said, there's another one.

523
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:52,399
Speaker 3: He said, So I'm going to drive over here and

524
00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:55,040
Speaker 3: I said, oh, my warrior weapons. He said, they're on

525
00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:57,919
Speaker 3: the ground. I said, baby, please don't pick them up.

526
00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:00,600
Speaker 3: Leave them there. And I said, said, it's because I

527
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:02,560
Speaker 3: love you. He said, there's another officer. I said it's

528
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:04,359
Speaker 3: because I love you. And I just kept saying it

529
00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:07,159
Speaker 3: to him, and he said, oh, there's another squad right

530
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:09,440
Speaker 3: over here. I said, it's because I love you. And

531
00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:11,000
Speaker 3: that's all that I would say to him because I

532
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:13,640
Speaker 3: want him to just to know that. And he said,

533
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:15,200
Speaker 3: but did you call them? I said it's because I

534
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:16,600
Speaker 3: love you. I never told him yes or no. I

535
00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:18,479
Speaker 3: said it's because I love you. So he said I'm

536
00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:20,720
Speaker 3: going to pull over. I said pull over, I said,

537
00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:23,159
Speaker 3: and don't pick up anything. He said, okay, I'm not.

538
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:26,879
Speaker 3: And so that was Christmas because they got him, you know.

539
00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:29,040
Speaker 3: And actually there was even an article where you could

540
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:30,879
Speaker 3: see or a car was stopped on the side of

541
00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:34,680
Speaker 3: the road when traffic was down. The sheriff's apartment was

542
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:37,320
Speaker 3: right there. Even the little Waco or of course account

543
00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:39,560
Speaker 3: of police, they were there, and he told me that

544
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:42,160
Speaker 3: the officer then told him the sergeant that was on duty.

545
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:45,639
Speaker 3: He said, thank you for not messing up my boys,

546
00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:48,400
Speaker 3: because they didn't know if he was going to suicide

547
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:51,280
Speaker 3: by copper or what. They took him to Green Oaks.

548
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:54,680
Speaker 3: I was so happy to see him, you know that,

549
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:59,600
Speaker 3: And he was relieved. Ironically, he was relieved that people

550
00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:03,800
Speaker 3: knew the chief was there at the time. He saw me.

551
00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:05,359
Speaker 3: When I came, he was like, okay, I'm gonna let

552
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:07,200
Speaker 3: you visit her, you know. But he was kind of

553
00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:09,160
Speaker 3: surprised because because they hadn't seen me in years, like, oh,

554
00:27:09,359 --> 00:27:11,760
Speaker 3: this is who you're married to, like okay, I remember

555
00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:17,560
Speaker 3: her now, like oh okay. And so he was relieved.

556
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:21,240
Speaker 3: I saw that and the support that he received, like

557
00:27:21,359 --> 00:27:24,040
Speaker 3: he had the text messages where people were telling him,

558
00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:27,040
Speaker 3: you know, hey, cal you got this, and there was

559
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:30,080
Speaker 3: a I mean a number of people calling and checking

560
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,159
Speaker 3: on him where he didn't feel bad and they told him,

561
00:27:32,160 --> 00:27:33,760
Speaker 3: you know, your job is going to be here. Just

562
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:37,359
Speaker 3: get the help that you need. So he was in

563
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:40,639
Speaker 3: Green Oaks for maybe three or four days, and I

564
00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:44,120
Speaker 3: remember picking him up on a Monday and the sheriff. Well,

565
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:46,960
Speaker 3: the sergeant called me and said, well, you need to

566
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:49,520
Speaker 3: bring him in for a fit for duty. Well, I

567
00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:51,520
Speaker 3: actually called them to let them know that I picked

568
00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:53,639
Speaker 3: him up. He's home now, we're resting, so if anybody

569
00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:56,280
Speaker 3: wants to come and visit him, you guys can. She said, no,

570
00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:57,960
Speaker 3: he needs to get a fit for duty. You have

571
00:27:58,040 --> 00:27:59,960
Speaker 3: to bring him in and we'll bring you the paperwork.

572
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:02,840
Speaker 3: They showed up an hour later, brought the paperwork and said,

573
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:06,240
Speaker 3: make sure he goes to you know, so you can

574
00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:08,480
Speaker 3: come back to work. I said, I don't think we

575
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:11,399
Speaker 3: need to do work right now. I need to because

576
00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:13,119
Speaker 3: we still had to find a psychiatrist. He still had

577
00:28:13,119 --> 00:28:14,240
Speaker 3: to find all the you know so I can get

578
00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:18,600
Speaker 3: him in therapy. They assigned him medications. They told him,

579
00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:20,639
Speaker 3: you can't take medication. If you want to come back

580
00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:23,399
Speaker 3: to the job, you can't take any medications. We were

581
00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:27,040
Speaker 3: there all day because he wasn't ready. And even the

582
00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:30,440
Speaker 3: psych at the time said she gave him a hard

583
00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:32,760
Speaker 3: time because she even interviewed me and she had him

584
00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:34,600
Speaker 3: a really hard time. It's like he just got out

585
00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:38,040
Speaker 3: of the hospital. I called the sergeant and I asked,

586
00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:40,480
Speaker 3: can you just give us at least three weeks. Just

587
00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:43,840
Speaker 3: give us three weeks to get him a doctor, because

588
00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:46,760
Speaker 3: this is all that we have. He has to have

589
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:49,920
Speaker 3: a doctor, he has to receive therapy. I'm going to

590
00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:52,880
Speaker 3: say maybe three to four weeks. That was it, you know, like, hey,

591
00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:54,920
Speaker 3: we're short and you need to come back. Cant of

592
00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:56,880
Speaker 3: the doctor said that truth, you can be released, you

593
00:28:56,960 --> 00:28:59,080
Speaker 3: have to come back. They switched the shift when he

594
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:02,200
Speaker 3: came back, so he was on day shift and he said, well,

595
00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:04,400
Speaker 3: the therapy that my wife set up for me and

596
00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:08,800
Speaker 3: my doctors, you know, I go in the evening and

597
00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:11,000
Speaker 3: they said, well, you know, you can burn your time.

598
00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:14,600
Speaker 3: So when he got on shift, they said, we're short,

599
00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:17,600
Speaker 3: so you couldn't burn your time. So and I remember

600
00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:19,760
Speaker 3: him saying, you know, like if it, what's the point,

601
00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:22,960
Speaker 3: you know? And he did well. When Omar was at work,

602
00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:26,160
Speaker 3: he was functional. He was perfect. So that's why no

603
00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:28,840
Speaker 3: one saw it. But when he was in the hospital

604
00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:31,880
Speaker 3: they diagnosed him with post traumatic stress. That's when he

605
00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:33,640
Speaker 3: was diagnosed with that, and then in his mind he

606
00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:36,960
Speaker 3: felt like, oh, this is a death sentence, like nobody's

607
00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:38,640
Speaker 3: going to want to work with me. I'm a liability.

608
00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:41,200
Speaker 3: And I was telling him no, you know, people can

609
00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:43,040
Speaker 3: live with this, and he was like, no, the guys know,

610
00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:46,040
Speaker 3: even though the county doctor knew what he was diagnosed with,

611
00:29:46,760 --> 00:29:49,040
Speaker 3: but they told him you can't take medication. He couldn't

612
00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:52,240
Speaker 3: go to therapy. They actually gave him a hard time

613
00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:54,200
Speaker 3: when he was at work. And that's why I tell

614
00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:56,680
Speaker 3: people be careful the things that you say, because he

615
00:29:56,840 --> 00:29:59,840
Speaker 3: overheard someone calling him crazy and he was already beating

616
00:29:59,880 --> 00:30:02,920
Speaker 3: him himself up right. But everybody liked him steal, but

617
00:30:03,080 --> 00:30:05,920
Speaker 3: he always felt like some they're looking at me, they're

618
00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:09,240
Speaker 3: looking at me different. But he did well, but I

619
00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:12,720
Speaker 3: felt I saw him struggling. Actually started spiraling in twenty eighteen.

620
00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:15,120
Speaker 3: March of twenty eighteen is when he started spiraling again.

621
00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:18,280
Speaker 3: And that's when I started reaching out to his partner.

622
00:30:18,640 --> 00:30:22,920
Speaker 3: I said, okay, y'all, I need help because he's not okay,

623
00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:26,280
Speaker 3: He's not okay. I woke up to him in the

624
00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:30,680
Speaker 3: corner on the floor brying. He's never cried like that,

625
00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:32,640
Speaker 3: and I remember getting out of the bed and I

626
00:30:32,720 --> 00:30:34,320
Speaker 3: was like, oh, are you okay? And he was like,

627
00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:37,480
Speaker 3: I'm effed up and he said, you know, my brain,

628
00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:38,880
Speaker 3: he said, my brain is lept up and you don't

629
00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:41,200
Speaker 3: deserve this. He said, I put you through too much

630
00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:42,840
Speaker 3: and I said no, he didn't. We're going to be okay,

631
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:44,920
Speaker 3: you know, And I told him. He said I'm scared

632
00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:46,680
Speaker 3: and I said what he's scared of? And he said,

633
00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:48,760
Speaker 3: I'm scared that I can't fight forever. I said no.

634
00:30:48,760 --> 00:30:50,480
Speaker 3: I told him. I said, we're going to fight this, Omar,

635
00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:52,120
Speaker 3: We're fighting. We're going to fight this. And then I

636
00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:54,040
Speaker 3: remember when he did.

637
00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:55,960
Speaker 1: In June.

638
00:30:57,000 --> 00:31:00,560
Speaker 3: He was on a it was on a two say night,

639
00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:03,280
Speaker 3: well actually before he went to work. He was he

640
00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:05,800
Speaker 3: laid around a little bit longer than he normally laid around.

641
00:31:05,920 --> 00:31:08,120
Speaker 3: He was he could tell you suppressed And I asked him.

642
00:31:08,160 --> 00:31:10,840
Speaker 3: I said, ohmer, and now I've learned the power the

643
00:31:10,960 --> 00:31:13,320
Speaker 3: things of what not to say. But I said, ohm, A,

644
00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:15,240
Speaker 3: you're not going to hurt yourself or anything like, are you?

645
00:31:16,320 --> 00:31:18,400
Speaker 3: That was not okay to say it like that. And

646
00:31:18,520 --> 00:31:20,600
Speaker 3: he was like, no, I'm not going to And he

647
00:31:20,680 --> 00:31:23,080
Speaker 3: said that. I think he thanked me. He said, I

648
00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:26,240
Speaker 3: thank you for you know, a riding my ass. He said,

649
00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:28,200
Speaker 3: I thank you for that. He said, you loved me,

650
00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:30,160
Speaker 3: he said, and I don't deserve that, he said, and

651
00:31:30,200 --> 00:31:32,600
Speaker 3: the boys in there. I don't deserve a love, he said,

652
00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:35,480
Speaker 3: this uniform. I don't deserve this uniform. It's I don't

653
00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:38,120
Speaker 3: deserve the wordish uniform. And then I was trying to

654
00:31:38,160 --> 00:31:40,240
Speaker 3: give him this tough love because by then we did

655
00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:42,959
Speaker 3: find another therapist for him to go to. He only

656
00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:45,680
Speaker 3: went to her once, but the therapists prior to that

657
00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:48,560
Speaker 3: we went to seemed like it made things worse for him.

658
00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:50,960
Speaker 3: But now I know he have to be culturally competent.

659
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:52,680
Speaker 3: That makes a big difference.

660
00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:57,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, really important. People understand too. Yeah, and so he

661
00:31:57,680 --> 00:31:59,959
Speaker 1: therapists are. It's not a one size fits all.

662
00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:04,240
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, not at all. I remember sitting there giving

663
00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:06,280
Speaker 3: him this look like okay, because he told me, he said,

664
00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:08,400
Speaker 3: you deserve better, and as long as I'm here, you

665
00:32:08,440 --> 00:32:10,720
Speaker 3: won't have it. And I wanted to take it like

666
00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:12,840
Speaker 3: he was being arrogant, because he was known to be

667
00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:16,680
Speaker 3: very arrogant, and I was like, whatever omar. But I

668
00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:18,840
Speaker 3: didn't want to get into it. I didn't want to

669
00:32:18,840 --> 00:32:21,760
Speaker 3: have that conversation before he went to work, and my mind,

670
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:23,480
Speaker 3: I said, when he comes home, we're going to talk

671
00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:25,880
Speaker 3: about it. But he didn't give me that time, so

672
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:28,360
Speaker 3: I remember hearing him in the garage, but he never

673
00:32:28,440 --> 00:32:30,880
Speaker 3: came in, and he was out there a little bit longer,

674
00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:33,400
Speaker 3: and so I went. That's when I saw that his

675
00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:36,520
Speaker 3: service weapons were gone and he was gone. He had

676
00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:38,960
Speaker 3: his phone. He made sure they couldn't pine his line anywhere.

677
00:32:38,960 --> 00:32:42,200
Speaker 3: He had his phone with instructions, you know, and his wallet.

678
00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:44,920
Speaker 3: I kept calling him. My son said, who you calling.

679
00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:46,760
Speaker 3: I said, I'm calling Omarin. He said his phone is

680
00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:49,040
Speaker 3: right here. So I knew then, you know, because I

681
00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:51,840
Speaker 3: saw the instructions, like this is for Marian. This is

682
00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:53,600
Speaker 3: a pin because I always forgot the pin to the

683
00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:56,120
Speaker 3: credit card. This is a pin number, and the title

684
00:32:56,160 --> 00:32:58,200
Speaker 3: of the cars, and the top dresser drawer. That's when

685
00:32:58,200 --> 00:32:59,720
Speaker 3: I called the apartment. I said, he's going to do

686
00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:02,400
Speaker 3: it this time, because he promised me he would never

687
00:33:02,520 --> 00:33:05,320
Speaker 3: put us through that again. I said, he's going to

688
00:33:05,360 --> 00:33:08,160
Speaker 3: do it. I need your help. They waited till the morning,

689
00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:10,400
Speaker 3: told me to file a missing person's report with a

690
00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:13,760
Speaker 3: mesquite pee, which is what I did. Then they came

691
00:33:13,840 --> 00:33:16,080
Speaker 3: out and they said, okay, we put a bolo out

692
00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:18,920
Speaker 3: for him, but I felt like no one was looking

693
00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:21,920
Speaker 3: for him. I called the chaplain. I called the lieutenant,

694
00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:24,080
Speaker 3: and I said, I don't think anyone's looking for him.

695
00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:27,520
Speaker 3: I said, it feels different, like no one's looking. Later on,

696
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:30,000
Speaker 3: I found out that the sheriff had called off the

697
00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:33,520
Speaker 3: BOLO an hour after was dispatched, so no one was

698
00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:34,240
Speaker 3: looking for him.

699
00:33:35,360 --> 00:33:35,640
Speaker 1: Wow.

700
00:33:36,800 --> 00:33:40,959
Speaker 3: And that was on a Wednesday. And Friday, I get

701
00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:43,480
Speaker 3: a knock on the door and I remember my oldest

702
00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:46,000
Speaker 3: son said, Mom, their police officers at the door, and

703
00:33:46,080 --> 00:33:48,560
Speaker 3: I said, don't let him in. I remember coming to

704
00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:50,040
Speaker 3: the door and they said can we come in? And

705
00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:53,640
Speaker 3: I said nope. Oh, Mark's coming home. Just tell me where,

706
00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:55,360
Speaker 3: he said. And it's like no, you know, because they

707
00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:57,080
Speaker 3: call me young. They say, no, young, we need to

708
00:33:57,120 --> 00:33:59,000
Speaker 3: come in, and I said, no, you can't come in.

709
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:02,760
Speaker 3: So I remember my oldest son kind of moved me

710
00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:04,960
Speaker 3: back and they came in and they told me we

711
00:34:05,080 --> 00:34:07,440
Speaker 3: found him in the parking lot of the shriff's department.

712
00:34:08,160 --> 00:34:12,440
Speaker 3: You know, he's dead. So that whole time, he was

713
00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:16,280
Speaker 3: sitting in the parking lot, yeah, of the shriff's department,

714
00:34:16,360 --> 00:34:20,719
Speaker 3: of the shaff's apartment, yep. And then I had people

715
00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:23,440
Speaker 3: tell me later I saw your car there. I said, well,

716
00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:27,719
Speaker 3: you guys knew that. I was looking for him. Why

717
00:34:27,760 --> 00:34:31,279
Speaker 3: didn't anyone go over there? Why didn't anyone And then

718
00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:35,319
Speaker 3: getting the autopsy report, you know, later to say that, well,

719
00:34:35,960 --> 00:34:38,319
Speaker 3: the bullet never made it to his brain. He more

720
00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:40,400
Speaker 3: than likely just bled to death. And I don't know

721
00:34:40,480 --> 00:34:43,520
Speaker 3: how long it was like, I don't know, but it

722
00:34:43,680 --> 00:34:45,040
Speaker 3: was like he was there, and I said, I know

723
00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:46,520
Speaker 3: he was waiting for me. He knew that I was

724
00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:48,600
Speaker 3: going to get to him, and I was looking for him,

725
00:34:48,680 --> 00:34:50,960
Speaker 3: and that that was my whole mindset. He knew that

726
00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:55,279
Speaker 3: I was coming, and I couldn't have gotten to him

727
00:34:55,280 --> 00:35:00,120
Speaker 3: because it's behind secured you know, secured location, so one

728
00:35:00,120 --> 00:35:01,880
Speaker 3: still wouldn't have been able to get to him. That

729
00:35:02,040 --> 00:35:02,520
Speaker 3: he was there.

730
00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:08,400
Speaker 1: And you know, now after a lot of work, a

731
00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:15,320
Speaker 1: lot ofsn't work. We don't have control the outcome. We

732
00:35:15,400 --> 00:35:19,480
Speaker 1: can want and wish as much as we want, we

733
00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:24,239
Speaker 1: don't have patrol the outcome between them and God. I

734
00:35:24,400 --> 00:35:27,520
Speaker 1: remember my very dear friend of mine retired as a

735
00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:30,680
Speaker 1: master gunnery starter from the Marine Corps, and he asked

736
00:35:30,719 --> 00:35:34,799
Speaker 1: me one time, he was like, how you doing, Jake?

737
00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:39,120
Speaker 1: I was like, the quinn essential answer that we give

738
00:35:39,160 --> 00:35:43,200
Speaker 1: each other. I'm good, bro like and usually that's the

739
00:35:43,400 --> 00:35:46,799
Speaker 1: that's enough, Like okay, cool, and it was like I'm good, bro,

740
00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:51,399
Speaker 1: you know, right at me, and he was like, hey,

741
00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:55,600
Speaker 1: after everything we've been through together, I would really appreciate

742
00:35:55,880 --> 00:35:59,319
Speaker 1: if I ask you something that you wouldn't look right

743
00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:02,800
Speaker 1: at my faith and lied to me. And I was like,

744
00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:07,360
Speaker 1: oh shit, how you doing? And I was like, I'm struggling.

745
00:36:08,160 --> 00:36:11,160
Speaker 1: Why are you struggling? You know? I started naming off

746
00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:16,200
Speaker 1: all the names, because when we first started this, it

747
00:36:16,360 --> 00:36:22,040
Speaker 1: was like almost to the month or months losing just

748
00:36:22,160 --> 00:36:25,640
Speaker 1: another one another, one another, one another one. And I

749
00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:29,480
Speaker 1: was like, I just don't understand. What am I not

750
00:36:29,680 --> 00:36:31,560
Speaker 1: doing enough of? What am I doing too much of?

751
00:36:32,640 --> 00:36:35,800
Speaker 1: What have we not tried? And he looked at me

752
00:36:35,840 --> 00:36:39,439
Speaker 1: and he said when did you become so important? Which,

753
00:36:39,520 --> 00:36:43,520
Speaker 1: of course my ears pinned back, and he said, before

754
00:36:43,600 --> 00:36:49,000
Speaker 1: you hit me, let me explain what I mean. He said, Jake,

755
00:36:49,080 --> 00:36:52,920
Speaker 1: the last time I checked, you weren't nulled.

756
00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:53,200
Speaker 3: To a cross.

757
00:36:53,239 --> 00:36:55,320
Speaker 1: I meant to suffer for three nights in three days.

758
00:36:55,600 --> 00:36:59,799
Speaker 1: He said, last time I checked, that wasn't you. He said,

759
00:36:59,840 --> 00:37:05,200
Speaker 1: So all that guilt and all that shame that you're

760
00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:09,960
Speaker 1: carrying has already been paid for. You're just not that important.

761
00:37:11,640 --> 00:37:13,759
Speaker 1: It was like a silver backed gorilla let go of

762
00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:17,719
Speaker 1: my soul because I was like, dude, you're right, you're right.

763
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:20,000
Speaker 1: That re memory you told me that you didn't tie

764
00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:25,080
Speaker 1: that rope, you didn't load that weapon, you didn't pour

765
00:37:25,120 --> 00:37:27,200
Speaker 1: those pillows down the throat, and you didn't shoot that

766
00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:29,239
Speaker 1: needle in the arm like you didn't so on and

767
00:37:29,320 --> 00:37:32,680
Speaker 1: so forth, all the different methods, and it was like,

768
00:37:33,520 --> 00:37:40,439
Speaker 1: I remember how tragically relieving that was. It's the same

769
00:37:40,680 --> 00:37:43,160
Speaker 1: with your situations. And I know you've been told this.

770
00:37:43,320 --> 00:37:45,279
Speaker 1: I know because you've done all this work, but it's

771
00:37:46,239 --> 00:37:52,719
Speaker 1: so vital to do these constant little reminders of it's

772
00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:57,719
Speaker 1: out of my control. I'm just not that important. I

773
00:37:57,760 --> 00:38:03,160
Speaker 1: don't have to like it, but accept it. It's just

774
00:38:03,320 --> 00:38:06,880
Speaker 1: so important that people understand we don't have control of

775
00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:07,480
Speaker 1: the outcome.

776
00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:11,879
Speaker 3: So what I have learned, and what I actually say

777
00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:14,680
Speaker 3: now is that who invited me to sit at the

778
00:38:14,719 --> 00:38:18,560
Speaker 3: table of God's I'm not that powerful, So I said, no,

779
00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:20,320
Speaker 3: one invited me to sit at that table. So I

780
00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:24,920
Speaker 3: don't control life and I don't control death. And I

781
00:38:25,040 --> 00:38:28,120
Speaker 3: had to learn that and that's what actually helped me.

782
00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:38,040
Speaker 2: It's beautiful after everything that you've been through and going

783
00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:40,960
Speaker 2: through that entire process and still having to pick yourself

784
00:38:41,040 --> 00:38:43,320
Speaker 2: up by your bootstraps as we say in Texas and

785
00:38:43,400 --> 00:38:48,920
Speaker 2: move forward with three boys and a nephew. Where are

786
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:53,160
Speaker 2: you today? Looking back since twenty eighteen to today? How

787
00:38:53,239 --> 00:38:56,160
Speaker 2: have you grown? How have you dug deep? How have

788
00:38:56,280 --> 00:38:58,480
Speaker 2: you decided to be a victor instead of a victim?

789
00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:01,040
Speaker 2: Knowing full well you still have your bad days, we

790
00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:05,160
Speaker 2: all do. You still have bad periods of life. But

791
00:39:05,280 --> 00:39:06,200
Speaker 2: where are you today?

792
00:39:06,880 --> 00:39:07,080
Speaker 1: Yeah?

793
00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:10,160
Speaker 3: I'm still in the place of healing. And I learned

794
00:39:10,200 --> 00:39:13,520
Speaker 3: that healing is continuous, It's continual, it doesn't have an

795
00:39:13,520 --> 00:39:16,480
Speaker 3: E D on it. I've accepted and I love the

796
00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:21,080
Speaker 3: process because you have to trust it. The turning factor

797
00:39:21,600 --> 00:39:24,160
Speaker 3: even in my healing, because once again you know I'm here,

798
00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:28,160
Speaker 3: We're getting therapy. We had been receiving therapy for about

799
00:39:28,239 --> 00:39:32,239
Speaker 3: six months and I found myself suicidal. I like you said,

800
00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:34,799
Speaker 3: you didn't know. I didn't know that I was suicidal.

801
00:39:35,040 --> 00:39:38,280
Speaker 3: I had no idea, And I remember having the safety

802
00:39:38,360 --> 00:39:40,839
Speaker 3: plan here. You have a safety plan here, the people

803
00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:44,680
Speaker 3: to call. And it was on Thanksgiving the following Thanksgiving,

804
00:39:44,680 --> 00:39:47,400
Speaker 3: because Thanksgiving was our favorite. That was almost favorite holiday.

805
00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:47,800
Speaker 1: You know.

806
00:39:48,440 --> 00:39:51,480
Speaker 3: I didn't cook anything. It was just it was horrible.

807
00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:54,279
Speaker 3: So I remember going to I told the boys, I'm

808
00:39:54,320 --> 00:39:57,440
Speaker 3: going to go to the park and I said, just

809
00:39:57,480 --> 00:39:59,600
Speaker 3: make sure you turn the porch light on. I'll be back.

810
00:40:00,080 --> 00:40:02,000
Speaker 3: But I took the gun with me, but in my

811
00:40:02,160 --> 00:40:06,640
Speaker 3: mind I still did. It didn't register to me what

812
00:40:06,840 --> 00:40:09,960
Speaker 3: I was going to do. It just it didn't. And

813
00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:12,720
Speaker 3: I remember going to the park and I remember sitting

814
00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:15,040
Speaker 3: in the park and the park was full of people,

815
00:40:15,520 --> 00:40:18,640
Speaker 3: and I was so aggravated. I said, this is Thanksgiving.

816
00:40:18,719 --> 00:40:21,160
Speaker 3: Why are these people in this park. They should be

817
00:40:21,239 --> 00:40:23,160
Speaker 3: at home, they should be eating. Why are so many people?

818
00:40:23,480 --> 00:40:24,520
Speaker 3: I was upset, So.

819
00:40:26,040 --> 00:40:31,760
Speaker 1: Them people in this frigging park on Thanksgiving watching football.

820
00:40:32,400 --> 00:40:35,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, And so I sat there and I felt that, Okay,

821
00:40:35,239 --> 00:40:37,279
Speaker 3: they're gonna think that I'm crazy sitting here in this park.

822
00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:40,400
Speaker 3: I said, So I'm going to call someone on just

823
00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:43,080
Speaker 3: on my list. So the first person I called was

824
00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:46,680
Speaker 3: my sister. She didn't answer the phone. And the next

825
00:40:46,760 --> 00:40:51,839
Speaker 3: person was my friend, and she was busy with Thanksgiving dinner.

826
00:40:52,400 --> 00:40:54,520
Speaker 3: So in my mind, I said, that's confirmation I don't

827
00:40:54,560 --> 00:40:57,400
Speaker 3: need to be here. It was proof. And I remember

828
00:40:57,560 --> 00:41:00,040
Speaker 3: as I sat there, there was another lady that that

829
00:41:00,480 --> 00:41:03,719
Speaker 3: I had just met this that same year, and I

830
00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:06,799
Speaker 3: called her and she put two and two together six

831
00:41:06,920 --> 00:41:09,040
Speaker 3: months after her husband. God, I don't Thanksgiving in a park,

832
00:41:09,120 --> 00:41:12,040
Speaker 3: So she talked to me, and we talked for about

833
00:41:12,040 --> 00:41:14,400
Speaker 3: an hour. But I still knew what I was going

834
00:41:14,480 --> 00:41:16,520
Speaker 3: to do. You know, I'm just waiting for them to

835
00:41:16,600 --> 00:41:18,920
Speaker 3: leave in the sun to go down. Then I'm going

836
00:41:19,000 --> 00:41:22,799
Speaker 3: to do it. And I remember screaming at God because

837
00:41:22,840 --> 00:41:25,080
Speaker 3: by this time he didn't exist to me, he wasn't real.

838
00:41:25,200 --> 00:41:28,600
Speaker 3: I was mad at him, and I told him, I said,

839
00:41:28,640 --> 00:41:30,719
Speaker 3: if you're real, I said, because I don't believe that

840
00:41:30,800 --> 00:41:34,400
Speaker 3: you are, you'll step in. And I screamed that and

841
00:41:34,760 --> 00:41:38,040
Speaker 3: I was crying. And by this time it's dark. I

842
00:41:38,200 --> 00:41:41,799
Speaker 3: was literally pulling the trigger and it was two little

843
00:41:41,880 --> 00:41:45,480
Speaker 3: kids that popped up in my window. It was pitch

844
00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:48,279
Speaker 3: dark over there. There wasn't a single light there.

845
00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:49,280
Speaker 1: Wow.

846
00:41:49,600 --> 00:41:52,080
Speaker 3: Yeah, and their parents, I'm assuming they were their parents

847
00:41:52,160 --> 00:41:54,440
Speaker 3: behind them with a light on their phone, like just

848
00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:58,080
Speaker 3: walking through. And I remember crying because I said I

849
00:41:58,239 --> 00:42:00,239
Speaker 3: was going to ruin their lives because they would have

850
00:42:00,360 --> 00:42:03,759
Speaker 3: saw it. I said they would have saw everything, and

851
00:42:03,880 --> 00:42:07,759
Speaker 3: I cried and then I went to sleep, like right

852
00:42:07,840 --> 00:42:09,200
Speaker 3: there in the part. I went to sleep for a

853
00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:10,160
Speaker 3: few hours.

854
00:42:11,360 --> 00:42:15,560
Speaker 1: And then when I woke up, that's crazy that release was. Yeah.

855
00:42:16,040 --> 00:42:18,919
Speaker 3: Then I woke up and I went home. I took

856
00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:22,600
Speaker 3: the magazine out the gun and actually have I carry

857
00:42:22,640 --> 00:42:24,960
Speaker 3: the bullet with me everywhere I go. Wow, So I

858
00:42:25,080 --> 00:42:27,640
Speaker 3: have the bullet. And I went home and my little

859
00:42:27,680 --> 00:42:30,440
Speaker 3: boy and met me at the door. He didn't even

860
00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:32,800
Speaker 3: let me get into the house and he hugged me

861
00:42:33,280 --> 00:42:34,799
Speaker 3: and he said, Mom, if you do it, I'm going

862
00:42:34,880 --> 00:42:37,239
Speaker 3: to do it too. And he said thank you for

863
00:42:37,360 --> 00:42:41,239
Speaker 3: coming home. And we made a pinky promise, like right

864
00:42:41,280 --> 00:42:45,680
Speaker 3: there at the door. I said, okay, gonna stay. I said,

865
00:42:45,680 --> 00:42:50,880
Speaker 3: we're both gonna stay. And it's amazing how kids they know.

866
00:42:51,080 --> 00:42:55,040
Speaker 3: You think they don't know, but they know. He said,

867
00:42:55,120 --> 00:42:58,399
Speaker 3: you had the same eyes like my dad. And then

868
00:42:58,480 --> 00:43:02,320
Speaker 3: I think that was actually when I really started the

869
00:43:02,400 --> 00:43:07,080
Speaker 3: process of healing. I wanted to heal and dealing with

870
00:43:07,200 --> 00:43:09,600
Speaker 3: the guilt never went away, and the guilt stays, but

871
00:43:09,719 --> 00:43:15,840
Speaker 3: I learned that you can use it because I equate

872
00:43:15,920 --> 00:43:18,680
Speaker 3: guilt to it's a little bit of love there. So

873
00:43:18,880 --> 00:43:21,400
Speaker 3: it may never go away of me feeling like I

874
00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:23,840
Speaker 3: could have saved him, you know. And I learned that

875
00:43:23,880 --> 00:43:25,960
Speaker 3: even when you're saying things like if I had him known,

876
00:43:26,239 --> 00:43:29,080
Speaker 3: you're still blaming yourself. So I had to learn to

877
00:43:29,160 --> 00:43:33,120
Speaker 3: take the blame off of me, because, like you say, well,

878
00:43:33,160 --> 00:43:35,200
Speaker 3: with Omar wanted, he would have wanted me to live,

879
00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:39,680
Speaker 3: and he would have wanted me well yeah, not just live,

880
00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:45,240
Speaker 3: yeah live well yeah, And that's when I really started,

881
00:43:47,200 --> 00:43:51,680
Speaker 3: like really going within and dealing with sitting with the pain.

882
00:43:52,040 --> 00:43:55,920
Speaker 3: Before I was avoiding the pain. Sitting with the pain, man, I.

883
00:43:56,040 --> 00:44:02,239
Speaker 1: Tell you right now that that part of it. It's

884
00:44:02,400 --> 00:44:07,640
Speaker 1: just sitting and being present in your own pain with

885
00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:13,759
Speaker 1: no outside chemicals, no anything. In the beginning, like I

886
00:44:13,800 --> 00:44:15,800
Speaker 1: would rather get stabbed by a band at in the

887
00:44:15,880 --> 00:44:21,080
Speaker 1: thigh it would be less painful, Like I will never

888
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:26,239
Speaker 1: forget starting that. And it was like, no wonder, I

889
00:44:26,360 --> 00:44:27,560
Speaker 1: was drunk and high all the time.

890
00:44:28,560 --> 00:44:32,480
Speaker 2: This sucks having to deal with it, having to sit

891
00:44:32,560 --> 00:44:35,920
Speaker 2: in it, but it is so.

892
00:44:36,160 --> 00:44:38,359
Speaker 1: Vital to the process. Yeah.

893
00:44:39,120 --> 00:44:43,320
Speaker 3: I remember when I went to my doctor and I

894
00:44:43,560 --> 00:44:49,160
Speaker 3: was diagnosed with PTSD, and I remember everything that Omar did.

895
00:44:49,360 --> 00:44:52,520
Speaker 3: I was doing the same exact things. I mean, like

896
00:44:52,600 --> 00:44:55,239
Speaker 3: reading a paragraph. I would tell him, you just read that,

897
00:44:55,280 --> 00:44:56,000
Speaker 3: why are you reading that?

898
00:44:56,080 --> 00:44:56,239
Speaker 1: Over?

899
00:44:56,320 --> 00:44:58,759
Speaker 3: And I found myself having to read the paragraphs over

900
00:44:59,320 --> 00:45:02,760
Speaker 3: and over. I like, forgetting everything and doing these things

901
00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:07,400
Speaker 3: and accepting, Okay, well, if this is what I have,

902
00:45:07,560 --> 00:45:10,799
Speaker 3: it doesn't mean that it's not death. And that's why

903
00:45:10,800 --> 00:45:13,480
Speaker 3: I feel like maybe Omar kind of guided me to

904
00:45:13,600 --> 00:45:15,719
Speaker 3: one tribe. You know, I always felt that way.

905
00:45:16,440 --> 00:45:18,480
Speaker 1: That just mean, I just want you to know. But

906
00:45:18,680 --> 00:45:21,520
Speaker 1: now I just had what I call it soul smile,

907
00:45:22,280 --> 00:45:25,480
Speaker 1: like I feel it in my gut, and that's just

908
00:45:25,600 --> 00:45:28,239
Speaker 1: what I had. I just want to share it. I did,

909
00:45:28,520 --> 00:45:30,320
Speaker 1: and I wanted to share it. Thank you.

910
00:45:31,880 --> 00:45:36,120
Speaker 3: And the following Thanksgiving, I'm in a better place. I

911
00:45:36,239 --> 00:45:38,520
Speaker 3: actually went to volunteer at this church. There was a

912
00:45:38,640 --> 00:45:41,080
Speaker 3: guy there and we were outside taking a break. I

913
00:45:41,200 --> 00:45:43,880
Speaker 3: think I was there cutting turkeys and we were taking

914
00:45:43,920 --> 00:45:47,320
Speaker 3: a break and we just started casual conversations and we

915
00:45:47,440 --> 00:45:50,600
Speaker 3: were conversing and just like why are you here, and like,

916
00:45:50,800 --> 00:45:54,960
Speaker 3: you know, just volunteering, And he said, okay, but really,

917
00:45:55,040 --> 00:45:58,640
Speaker 3: why are you here? And I said, well, you know,

918
00:45:58,800 --> 00:46:00,719
Speaker 3: it's just just to you know, to get away and

919
00:46:00,800 --> 00:46:03,239
Speaker 3: just to help and you know, like a lot of

920
00:46:03,400 --> 00:46:05,840
Speaker 3: people here, you know, they don't want to deal with things,

921
00:46:05,920 --> 00:46:08,560
Speaker 3: you know, that's why he was talking. So I told him,

922
00:46:08,560 --> 00:46:10,759
Speaker 3: you know, I lost my husband a year prior to

923
00:46:11,120 --> 00:46:12,960
Speaker 3: this is just my way of giving back. And he

924
00:46:13,200 --> 00:46:16,960
Speaker 3: was asking me things and I was telling him, you know,

925
00:46:17,120 --> 00:46:19,680
Speaker 3: he had post traumatic stress, and you know, he died

926
00:46:19,800 --> 00:46:22,759
Speaker 3: by suicide. And I was telling him little details. He

927
00:46:22,880 --> 00:46:26,279
Speaker 3: was asking me. It's just certain questions I remember. He

928
00:46:26,360 --> 00:46:29,440
Speaker 3: told me. He said, I understand that your husband was

929
00:46:29,480 --> 00:46:31,239
Speaker 3: close and he told you everything, he said, but a

930
00:46:31,280 --> 00:46:33,279
Speaker 3: lot of the things that you're telling me, he said,

931
00:46:33,320 --> 00:46:37,400
Speaker 3: it feels a little different. He said, like you have

932
00:46:37,480 --> 00:46:39,799
Speaker 3: a little too much information. I said, no, we were

933
00:46:39,840 --> 00:46:42,560
Speaker 3: just really close. I didn't tell him, dare tell him

934
00:46:42,560 --> 00:46:46,080
Speaker 3: about myself because I still had that little bit of stigma.

935
00:46:46,840 --> 00:46:49,360
Speaker 3: And then he said, well what he's He said, what

936
00:46:49,440 --> 00:46:51,399
Speaker 3: did your husband call it? And I told him I said,

937
00:46:51,400 --> 00:46:53,920
Speaker 3: well he called it the fucked up place. Excuse me,

938
00:46:54,080 --> 00:46:56,800
Speaker 3: and he said, well, what do you call it? I

939
00:46:56,840 --> 00:46:58,680
Speaker 3: said the dark Hole. I didn't get it then, and

940
00:46:58,719 --> 00:47:00,400
Speaker 3: he said, I said the dark Hole? Said you know,

941
00:47:00,400 --> 00:47:02,920
Speaker 3: a little dark place, man, He said, it goes by

942
00:47:02,960 --> 00:47:05,160
Speaker 3: different names. He said, we all call a death a place,

943
00:47:05,280 --> 00:47:07,839
Speaker 3: you know, a little dark hole, you know. He gave

944
00:47:07,920 --> 00:47:10,399
Speaker 3: me a list of what everyone calls it. He said,

945
00:47:10,520 --> 00:47:13,719
Speaker 3: the problem with your husband was he said that no

946
00:47:13,880 --> 00:47:15,920
Speaker 3: one told him, because I told my husband got better.

947
00:47:15,960 --> 00:47:17,359
Speaker 3: I said, he was doing so much better. And then

948
00:47:17,480 --> 00:47:19,960
Speaker 3: he started going back down a little rabbit hole again.

949
00:47:20,000 --> 00:47:22,560
Speaker 3: He said, Well, he said, no one told your husband

950
00:47:22,719 --> 00:47:24,439
Speaker 3: was that he was going to see that place again,

951
00:47:24,800 --> 00:47:27,560
Speaker 3: and he should have came familiar with it. He said,

952
00:47:27,560 --> 00:47:30,200
Speaker 3: if you become familiar with it, you'll be able to

953
00:47:30,239 --> 00:47:32,719
Speaker 3: catch yourself before you hit the bottom. Yep, he said,

954
00:47:32,760 --> 00:47:35,359
Speaker 3: and no one told him that. He said. He felt

955
00:47:35,440 --> 00:47:38,879
Speaker 3: like he was a failure because he was feeling better

956
00:47:39,160 --> 00:47:41,560
Speaker 3: and then it was happening again, so he felt like

957
00:47:42,040 --> 00:47:44,359
Speaker 3: he was failing and it wasn't going to get any better.

958
00:47:44,840 --> 00:47:47,919
Speaker 3: He said, That's what they should have told him, he said,

959
00:47:47,920 --> 00:47:50,600
Speaker 3: and no one told him that. And I was taking

960
00:47:50,680 --> 00:47:53,080
Speaker 3: all of that in and then I asked him, I said, well,

961
00:47:53,120 --> 00:47:55,919
Speaker 3: what advice would you give? And he grabbed my hand.

962
00:47:56,320 --> 00:47:58,600
Speaker 3: He said, don't be ashamed of it.

963
00:48:00,360 --> 00:48:00,640
Speaker 2: Wow.

964
00:48:01,000 --> 00:48:04,719
Speaker 3: I was like, you know, I wanted to be offended, like, no,

965
00:48:06,320 --> 00:48:07,200
Speaker 3: what are you talking about?

966
00:48:07,280 --> 00:48:09,080
Speaker 1: How dare you. I don't feel any shame.

967
00:48:09,920 --> 00:48:13,160
Speaker 3: And he told me, he said, we can identify each other.

968
00:48:13,920 --> 00:48:17,360
Speaker 3: He said, we all recognize each other. And he was military.

969
00:48:17,400 --> 00:48:20,200
Speaker 3: He said he was military. He said, just a few conversations,

970
00:48:20,200 --> 00:48:22,160
Speaker 3: a few words that you said, he said, I already knew,

971
00:48:23,440 --> 00:48:25,719
Speaker 3: he said, not to be ashamed of it. And I

972
00:48:25,800 --> 00:48:27,800
Speaker 3: remember getting back to therapy, like, oh my god, was

973
00:48:28,040 --> 00:48:31,080
Speaker 3: I get the therapist this? And I told my therapist

974
00:48:31,120 --> 00:48:34,399
Speaker 3: and he said, you've been in here close to two years,

975
00:48:34,440 --> 00:48:36,040
Speaker 3: he said, And I've been trying to get this through

976
00:48:36,120 --> 00:48:38,840
Speaker 3: to you, he said, but this one person says it

977
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:41,080
Speaker 3: to you and you got it. That's always how it

978
00:48:41,200 --> 00:48:44,520
Speaker 3: goes over. And he said, you got it, And yeah,

979
00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:46,960
Speaker 3: I guess. I guess I do have it, you know.

980
00:48:47,200 --> 00:48:50,279
Speaker 3: And then that's when I learned that there is so

981
00:48:50,400 --> 00:48:55,840
Speaker 3: much power, transparency and healing in vulnerability. And after that

982
00:48:56,160 --> 00:49:01,280
Speaker 3: is when I had my first This organization had invited

983
00:49:01,360 --> 00:49:03,960
Speaker 3: me to go to like this Blue Help. There was

984
00:49:04,000 --> 00:49:06,120
Speaker 3: a dinner in Washington. I didn't want to go because

985
00:49:06,120 --> 00:49:08,080
Speaker 3: I felt like, you know, no, you know, that's I

986
00:49:08,120 --> 00:49:10,200
Speaker 3: don't think I'm ready for that. I'm ou thereist said, yeah,

987
00:49:10,440 --> 00:49:13,879
Speaker 3: well you should go, he said, because your funeral here

988
00:49:14,120 --> 00:49:16,880
Speaker 3: was this horrible because my husband's funeral was horrible. He

989
00:49:17,000 --> 00:49:20,640
Speaker 3: said you should go, and I went, and then from

990
00:49:20,719 --> 00:49:24,840
Speaker 3: there I met people there, and yes, I did have

991
00:49:24,960 --> 00:49:29,360
Speaker 3: an emotional breakdown, but I remember telling there was a

992
00:49:29,440 --> 00:49:31,080
Speaker 3: lady on the side of me and everyone seemed to

993
00:49:31,120 --> 00:49:33,680
Speaker 3: be so happy there, and everyone's dressed up and everyone's happy.

994
00:49:34,120 --> 00:49:37,160
Speaker 3: And I remember looking at her and I said, I'm struggling.

995
00:49:37,800 --> 00:49:39,920
Speaker 3: Those are the exact words, and she said me too.

996
00:49:41,120 --> 00:49:44,440
Speaker 3: And that was such a relief because everyone looked happy.

997
00:49:44,480 --> 00:49:47,160
Speaker 3: And I realized then that everyone is wearing a mask.

998
00:49:47,760 --> 00:49:50,360
Speaker 3: Everyone is wearing a mask because I was wearing a mask,

999
00:49:51,200 --> 00:49:54,040
Speaker 3: and that was like a little catalyst for me to

1000
00:49:54,760 --> 00:49:57,120
Speaker 3: go a little bit further. And we've actually became pretty

1001
00:49:57,200 --> 00:50:01,160
Speaker 3: much the best of friends through this journey. And so

1002
00:50:01,280 --> 00:50:04,400
Speaker 3: and I got back. I told my therapist about that,

1003
00:50:04,600 --> 00:50:09,120
Speaker 3: and after that, I remember the president of the organization said,

1004
00:50:09,160 --> 00:50:10,560
Speaker 3: we want you to come and speak in Colorado, and

1005
00:50:10,600 --> 00:50:13,680
Speaker 3: I was like, for what, you know, I can't do that.

1006
00:50:14,880 --> 00:50:17,200
Speaker 3: And I talked to my therapist about it, and he said,

1007
00:50:17,200 --> 00:50:20,239
Speaker 3: what's the worst thing that could happen? And I said,

1008
00:50:20,280 --> 00:50:21,960
Speaker 3: I don't know. He said, what's the worst thing that

1009
00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:24,680
Speaker 3: can happen. I said, well, I cry, he said, but

1010
00:50:25,520 --> 00:50:25,800
Speaker 3: that's it.

1011
00:50:29,120 --> 00:50:29,319
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1012
00:50:29,400 --> 00:50:33,040
Speaker 3: And once I was on the panel and I did cry,

1013
00:50:33,880 --> 00:50:36,920
Speaker 3: but I guess I said enough of what needed to

1014
00:50:36,920 --> 00:50:40,719
Speaker 3: have been said. And I still don't remember, but people

1015
00:50:40,760 --> 00:50:43,239
Speaker 3: were coming up to me, and I remember as I

1016
00:50:43,360 --> 00:50:44,960
Speaker 3: was leaving, I thought a tourum there was a guy

1017
00:50:45,360 --> 00:50:46,960
Speaker 3: that was waiting for me to come out, and I

1018
00:50:47,000 --> 00:50:49,600
Speaker 3: get Chields and I still think about that. He said,

1019
00:50:49,600 --> 00:50:50,880
Speaker 3: I'm going to get the help that I didn't know

1020
00:50:50,920 --> 00:50:51,319
Speaker 3: I needed.

1021
00:50:51,960 --> 00:50:55,840
Speaker 2: Wow, And I said, it touches just one person, and

1022
00:50:55,920 --> 00:50:57,840
Speaker 2: I said, that was why I came exactly.

1023
00:50:58,080 --> 00:51:00,520
Speaker 1: That's it. And we don't always know the and we

1024
00:51:00,560 --> 00:51:05,000
Speaker 1: don't always know the outcomes or the who we impact

1025
00:51:05,239 --> 00:51:08,800
Speaker 1: or any of those things. And you, in particular, with

1026
00:51:09,200 --> 00:51:15,239
Speaker 1: your story, it makes people feel safe to follow in

1027
00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:18,880
Speaker 1: your vulnerability. I mean, that's a god thing. That's a gift, right,

1028
00:51:19,400 --> 00:51:22,440
Speaker 1: and it came from a significant place of tragedy, but

1029
00:51:22,600 --> 00:51:26,120
Speaker 1: it is a gift, make no mistake about that. And

1030
00:51:26,400 --> 00:51:30,960
Speaker 1: I'm just not only proud of you, but I'm very

1031
00:51:31,080 --> 00:51:34,439
Speaker 1: proud for you and the boys and all the work

1032
00:51:34,480 --> 00:51:36,600
Speaker 1: you've done to be able to get to where you

1033
00:51:36,760 --> 00:51:41,440
Speaker 1: are and continue to heal because, like you said, it

1034
00:51:41,600 --> 00:51:46,239
Speaker 1: is a constant evolution. It is an everyday thing. It's

1035
00:51:46,320 --> 00:51:49,360
Speaker 1: just like working out right, Like you, Well, I'm going

1036
00:51:49,440 --> 00:51:50,880
Speaker 1: to go to the gym a few times and I

1037
00:51:51,000 --> 00:51:52,520
Speaker 1: just expect to be in the best shape of my

1038
00:51:52,560 --> 00:51:55,160
Speaker 1: life the rest of my life. Nope, that's not how

1039
00:51:55,239 --> 00:52:01,080
Speaker 1: it works. Well, your brain, your soul, in your spirit

1040
00:52:01,239 --> 00:52:01,960
Speaker 1: is the same way.

1041
00:52:03,800 --> 00:52:06,160
Speaker 3: I believe in being wrong because I remember when my

1042
00:52:06,280 --> 00:52:09,840
Speaker 3: husband was going through everything and one person said I

1043
00:52:09,960 --> 00:52:11,880
Speaker 3: know what you're going through, and he lit up a

1044
00:52:11,960 --> 00:52:16,120
Speaker 3: little bit. So I always remember that. And when I

1045
00:52:16,320 --> 00:52:20,360
Speaker 3: was struggling, I was looking for people that sounded like me,

1046
00:52:20,480 --> 00:52:22,160
Speaker 3: that looked like me. They knew what I was going through.

1047
00:52:22,200 --> 00:52:23,800
Speaker 3: And when I say looked like me, I mean on

1048
00:52:23,880 --> 00:52:27,160
Speaker 3: the inside that pain. And I didn't want anyone to

1049
00:52:27,280 --> 00:52:32,400
Speaker 3: sugarcoat it, because why, it's the reality. It's human. And

1050
00:52:32,719 --> 00:52:34,520
Speaker 3: even with my little boy, I think the reason why

1051
00:52:34,600 --> 00:52:37,719
Speaker 3: he's healed so much is because I made him stay

1052
00:52:37,719 --> 00:52:41,040
Speaker 3: in reality, like this is the reality. Maybe because it's

1053
00:52:41,120 --> 00:52:43,839
Speaker 3: my background. I didn't want him to have this whole

1054
00:52:43,960 --> 00:52:46,920
Speaker 3: idea that it was going to be so much easier. No,

1055
00:52:47,080 --> 00:52:50,359
Speaker 3: it's raw, it's hard. It's hard, but you can get

1056
00:52:50,400 --> 00:52:52,640
Speaker 3: through it. You have to do the work. There isn't

1057
00:52:52,640 --> 00:52:55,440
Speaker 3: any other way around it. So we try to avoid

1058
00:52:55,680 --> 00:53:00,040
Speaker 3: the pain. No sit in it. It changes you, but

1059
00:53:00,080 --> 00:53:02,759
Speaker 3: it doesn't have to change you in a bad way.

1060
00:53:03,440 --> 00:53:05,160
Speaker 3: I was trying to be the person that I was

1061
00:53:05,239 --> 00:53:07,239
Speaker 3: before oldmar died, and I think that's why I was

1062
00:53:07,320 --> 00:53:11,680
Speaker 3: falling a lot. But that person died. Who I was

1063
00:53:12,200 --> 00:53:16,080
Speaker 3: died with him. I'm a new person now and I

1064
00:53:16,239 --> 00:53:19,319
Speaker 3: have to learn who she is. It's gonna take time,

1065
00:53:19,520 --> 00:53:22,440
Speaker 3: but it's a journey still. So once I accept that

1066
00:53:22,520 --> 00:53:25,920
Speaker 3: I'm not that same person, so much beauty can come.

1067
00:53:26,000 --> 00:53:29,280
Speaker 3: Even after that, And even when I facilitate my groups,

1068
00:53:29,320 --> 00:53:31,200
Speaker 3: I tell them, you know, we're not the same people.

1069
00:53:31,600 --> 00:53:34,040
Speaker 3: We're not so when we try to do that, we're

1070
00:53:34,080 --> 00:53:37,040
Speaker 3: trying to fit in a box that we no longer

1071
00:53:37,120 --> 00:53:40,680
Speaker 3: belong in. We're new people, And it doesn't mean that

1072
00:53:40,760 --> 00:53:44,160
Speaker 3: it's bad. It's actually beautiful because the pain that you

1073
00:53:44,320 --> 00:53:47,880
Speaker 3: have you can share with other people because people need

1074
00:53:47,960 --> 00:53:51,000
Speaker 3: a light too, People need a guide. I needed a guide.

1075
00:53:51,320 --> 00:53:54,120
Speaker 3: So if I would have had someone to say it's

1076
00:53:54,160 --> 00:53:56,560
Speaker 3: going to be hard instead of oh, you're going to

1077
00:53:56,600 --> 00:54:00,200
Speaker 3: be Okay, you will be but no, it's it's going

1078
00:54:00,239 --> 00:54:04,440
Speaker 3: to hurt. You're going to struggle, but you'll get through it,

1079
00:54:05,719 --> 00:54:08,640
Speaker 3: because that's what we did. And before I felt like

1080
00:54:08,680 --> 00:54:12,000
Speaker 3: I would never smile again, and when I did smile,

1081
00:54:12,040 --> 00:54:14,479
Speaker 3: it was fake, and I used to hate myself because

1082
00:54:14,480 --> 00:54:15,719
Speaker 3: I was like, I don't even want to go around

1083
00:54:15,760 --> 00:54:18,480
Speaker 3: because I'm faking, you know, and I didn't recognize who

1084
00:54:18,520 --> 00:54:22,719
Speaker 3: I was. But I can laugh now, I can smile now,

1085
00:54:22,800 --> 00:54:25,120
Speaker 3: and it's real, and so I tell people it doesn't

1086
00:54:25,120 --> 00:54:27,239
Speaker 3: feel like it, but it's a process. You just have

1087
00:54:27,400 --> 00:54:29,000
Speaker 3: to trust that you have to go through the pain

1088
00:54:29,680 --> 00:54:33,200
Speaker 3: and become familiar with it, because I've had times where

1089
00:54:33,200 --> 00:54:36,880
Speaker 3: I've dropped and I was struggling, but I became familiar

1090
00:54:36,960 --> 00:54:38,400
Speaker 3: with it, so I knew that I wasn't going to

1091
00:54:38,480 --> 00:54:44,400
Speaker 3: hit the bottle because I became It sounds morbid, but

1092
00:54:44,480 --> 00:54:48,360
Speaker 3: I became comfortable with that place, and I became comfortable

1093
00:54:48,400 --> 00:54:50,200
Speaker 3: with it because I was able to give myself grace

1094
00:54:50,800 --> 00:54:55,239
Speaker 3: to understand that I'm human. I'm going to fall and

1095
00:54:55,320 --> 00:54:58,879
Speaker 3: I'm going to struggle, but I get back up because

1096
00:54:58,920 --> 00:55:02,439
Speaker 3: that's life. I'll make it through this mountain, and there's

1097
00:55:02,480 --> 00:55:04,759
Speaker 3: going to be another mountain, but at least this time,

1098
00:55:05,360 --> 00:55:07,920
Speaker 3: I know for a fact it only takes one step.

1099
00:55:08,280 --> 00:55:11,640
Speaker 3: So I just keep stepping and keep walking. I'll get there.

1100
00:55:12,120 --> 00:55:13,800
Speaker 3: I'll get over that mountain. Then there's going to be

1101
00:55:13,800 --> 00:55:16,000
Speaker 3: another mountain. I'll get over that too.

1102
00:55:22,160 --> 00:55:26,840
Speaker 2: You inspire me daily and you are such an incredible

1103
00:55:27,719 --> 00:55:30,200
Speaker 2: light to this world. Thank you for being our guide

1104
00:55:30,239 --> 00:55:32,839
Speaker 2: on this journey. I know this wasn't an easy conversation

1105
00:55:33,000 --> 00:55:36,000
Speaker 2: to have, and so we are so truly grateful that

1106
00:55:36,080 --> 00:55:38,480
Speaker 2: you were willing to come and be vulnerable and open up,

1107
00:55:38,920 --> 00:55:42,440
Speaker 2: and thank you for doing the work and for inspiring

1108
00:55:42,560 --> 00:55:45,200
Speaker 2: us all. Thank you for being on the good stuff.

1109
00:55:45,640 --> 00:55:49,040
Speaker 3: But leave started here. I tell everywhere I go, every

1110
00:55:49,080 --> 00:55:53,600
Speaker 3: place that I speak, that's why I understand how important

1111
00:55:53,640 --> 00:55:59,840
Speaker 3: it is to have competent and culturally competent therapists because

1112
00:55:59,840 --> 00:56:02,680
Speaker 3: I lived it, so I know how important it is.

1113
00:56:03,640 --> 00:56:06,560
Speaker 3: I tell everyone this was the beginning for me, because

1114
00:56:06,600 --> 00:56:11,200
Speaker 3: if I didn't have this, I don't know if I

1115
00:56:11,239 --> 00:56:13,640
Speaker 3: would even be here, or the quality of life that

1116
00:56:13,719 --> 00:56:16,080
Speaker 3: I would have, if it would even be worth it,

1117
00:56:16,120 --> 00:56:22,279
Speaker 3: if I didn't have you all and walking in and

1118
00:56:22,440 --> 00:56:26,640
Speaker 3: not feeling the stigma, and you guys understanding. There was

1119
00:56:26,719 --> 00:56:29,600
Speaker 3: something that you had said. Now my mind just went blame.

1120
00:56:29,680 --> 00:56:31,680
Speaker 3: But it was on the interview and it was something

1121
00:56:31,680 --> 00:56:34,960
Speaker 3: about you got it from some more was a dragon

1122
00:56:35,080 --> 00:56:37,040
Speaker 3: or a beast or something that you said.

1123
00:56:37,400 --> 00:56:41,920
Speaker 1: Right, the dragon to change? Yeah, General Krulac, Yeah.

1124
00:56:42,120 --> 00:56:45,800
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I always remember that because that's really what

1125
00:56:46,440 --> 00:56:50,160
Speaker 3: that's what it is. And when you would speak, you

1126
00:56:50,280 --> 00:56:56,040
Speaker 3: were you humanized my old Mark. That's that's what I

1127
00:56:56,120 --> 00:56:58,360
Speaker 3: used to say. You humanized my Omar because to me,

1128
00:56:58,480 --> 00:57:02,840
Speaker 3: everyone else saw him as that he was just suicide.

1129
00:57:03,840 --> 00:57:07,200
Speaker 3: He was a human that something happened to him. Life

1130
00:57:07,280 --> 00:57:09,239
Speaker 3: happened to him, and that was the outcome of what

1131
00:57:09,440 --> 00:57:14,680
Speaker 3: life was. But he didn't have the tools to stay here. Now,

1132
00:57:14,840 --> 00:57:17,600
Speaker 3: I was blessed to have the tools in order to

1133
00:57:17,680 --> 00:57:21,840
Speaker 3: say and just that the way you guys made me

1134
00:57:21,920 --> 00:57:25,720
Speaker 3: feel that it wasn't anything to be shamed about. Everyone understood.

1135
00:57:26,880 --> 00:57:30,520
Speaker 3: That took like a whole burden off of having to

1136
00:57:30,600 --> 00:57:32,640
Speaker 3: try to pretend to be something else. I didn't have

1137
00:57:32,680 --> 00:57:37,600
Speaker 3: to pretend. I didn't have to hide because everyone knew

1138
00:57:38,840 --> 00:57:40,800
Speaker 3: what was going on, because someone was affected by it

1139
00:57:40,840 --> 00:57:43,160
Speaker 3: and they knew someone And that made a big difference

1140
00:57:43,200 --> 00:57:46,200
Speaker 3: in my healing. I would telling the people at the

1141
00:57:46,280 --> 00:57:50,960
Speaker 3: other organization, I wish that everybody had this organization. I

1142
00:57:51,000 --> 00:57:53,240
Speaker 3: wish because they asked me, how did you get where

1143
00:57:53,280 --> 00:57:55,120
Speaker 3: you are? You seem so much stronger, And I was like,

1144
00:57:55,200 --> 00:57:58,800
Speaker 3: I don't I never saw strength. I just said I'm

1145
00:57:58,880 --> 00:58:01,680
Speaker 3: just here. But they were like, no, you seem so strong,

1146
00:58:01,760 --> 00:58:03,840
Speaker 3: and how do I get to where you are?

1147
00:58:03,960 --> 00:58:04,120
Speaker 1: You know?

1148
00:58:04,280 --> 00:58:07,440
Speaker 3: So just take what I learned and give it to them.

1149
00:58:07,520 --> 00:58:09,200
Speaker 3: But I wish that they all had this. I wish

1150
00:58:09,240 --> 00:58:11,960
Speaker 3: that everyone could come here. You know, even when I

1151
00:58:12,360 --> 00:58:15,080
Speaker 3: like officers that I would tell them, hey, you need

1152
00:58:15,160 --> 00:58:20,280
Speaker 3: to go there, and because they'll listen, especially, they'll listen

1153
00:58:20,360 --> 00:58:23,800
Speaker 3: to I think they listened to me more because yep,

1154
00:58:24,680 --> 00:58:27,080
Speaker 3: I was my husband and because I was there, and

1155
00:58:27,160 --> 00:58:29,560
Speaker 3: because of the environment, I think they talk to me more.

1156
00:58:29,640 --> 00:58:31,960
Speaker 3: Like the guys actually will open up to me more.

1157
00:58:32,360 --> 00:58:35,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, unfortunately, and it's because of unfortunate credibility that you

1158
00:58:35,960 --> 00:58:40,480
Speaker 1: now have. Yeah, and it shouldn't take that, But that's

1159
00:58:40,560 --> 00:58:43,840
Speaker 1: driven by the stigma in the labeling and the stereotypes,

1160
00:58:43,880 --> 00:58:46,760
Speaker 1: and it's driven by that, and that is a hard

1161
00:58:46,920 --> 00:58:50,160
Speaker 1: mold to break. Man trying for over a decade still

1162
00:58:50,200 --> 00:58:51,040
Speaker 1: a thing, you.

1163
00:58:51,120 --> 00:58:54,120
Speaker 2: Know, and it's the I'm just so glad that you're

1164
00:58:54,160 --> 00:58:55,120
Speaker 2: there for them, that you are.

1165
00:58:55,400 --> 00:58:58,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, and look, make no mistake, I'm so grateful that

1166
00:58:58,840 --> 00:59:04,040
Speaker 1: you found us too, And I'm fer Honda, you've done

1167
00:59:04,120 --> 00:59:09,400
Speaker 1: the work right. We were just a conduit. That's it. Like,

1168
00:59:09,600 --> 00:59:13,040
Speaker 1: we can't do the work for you. You have to

1169
00:59:13,120 --> 00:59:20,480
Speaker 1: do that. Don't forget the vital task of giving yourself

1170
00:59:20,560 --> 00:59:25,959
Speaker 1: credit where credit is due. Don't forget that because that's

1171
00:59:26,040 --> 00:59:29,320
Speaker 1: super important too. It's okay to take a minute to

1172
00:59:29,400 --> 00:59:31,040
Speaker 1: do the pad on the back and be like, hey,

1173
00:59:32,440 --> 00:59:36,840
Speaker 1: you are pretty badass, Like that's okay, that's needed, right

1174
00:59:36,960 --> 00:59:42,240
Speaker 1: because you've earned that. Talking about badges, we're that badge

1175
00:59:42,280 --> 00:59:46,280
Speaker 1: with pride because you did the work. Nobody else did

1176
00:59:46,320 --> 00:59:49,439
Speaker 1: it for you, and you still do the work.

1177
00:59:49,840 --> 00:59:52,920
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm proud of myself as you should be.

1178
00:59:53,200 --> 00:59:55,680
Speaker 2: As you should be. Sharonda Calderon, thank you so much

1179
00:59:55,800 --> 00:59:57,040
Speaker 2: for being part of the good stuff.

1180
00:59:57,280 --> 00:59:57,560
Speaker 3: Thank you.

1181
01:00:01,000 --> 01:00:04,440
Speaker 1: We're so very grateful Shiranda had the strength encouraged to

1182
01:00:04,520 --> 01:00:06,800
Speaker 1: share her story with us today. And we will continue

1183
01:00:06,880 --> 01:00:09,760
Speaker 1: to speak O marcle Lron's name as we are all

1184
01:00:09,840 --> 01:00:11,880
Speaker 1: the gatekeepers of his legacy.

1185
01:00:11,840 --> 01:00:15,120
Speaker 2: Never forgotten Thank you so much for listening. If this

1186
01:00:15,280 --> 01:00:17,640
Speaker 2: episode touched you today, please share it and be part

1187
01:00:17,680 --> 01:00:19,240
Speaker 2: of making someone else's day better.

1188
01:00:19,880 --> 01:00:22,040
Speaker 1: Put on your bad ass caves like Shiranda and go

1189
01:00:22,200 --> 01:00:25,040
Speaker 1: be great today, and remember you can't do epic stuff

1190
01:00:25,120 --> 01:00:28,400
Speaker 1: without epic people. Thank you for listening to the good Stuff.

1191
01:00:32,720 --> 01:00:36,360
Speaker 1: The Good Stuff is executive produced by Ashley Schick, Jacob Schick,

1192
01:00:36,720 --> 01:00:40,640
Speaker 1: Leah Pictures and q Code Media. Hosted by Ashley Shick

1193
01:00:40,720 --> 01:00:44,920
Speaker 1: and Jacob Shick, Produced by Nick Cassilini and Ryan Countshouse

1194
01:00:46,000 --> 01:00:51,280
Speaker 1: host production supervisor Will Tindi. Music editing by Will Haywood Smith,

1195
01:00:52,360 --> 01:00:53,760
Speaker 1: edited by Mike Robinson,