Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Formally, I don't find funerals funny, but here's a story
Speaker 2: about a funeral that I found hilarious because this funeral
Speaker 2: had Donald Trump, and that guy can turn anything into
Speaker 2: a joke. Maybe you've heard of Diamond and Silk. You
Speaker 2: know those two sisters who are always two sisters who
Speaker 2: are always showing up at his rillies, praising him on TV,
Speaker 2: setting the black race back fifty years. You know those
Speaker 2: two Trump helped meetings with them. He'd invite them to
Speaker 2: the Oval Office. He would point at them and say, see,
Speaker 2: black people love me.
Speaker 3: Well.
Speaker 2: Sadly, Diamond passed away a few days ago. Yeah, and
Speaker 2: Silks said that she wanted Trump to speak at the
Speaker 2: funeral because the three of them were so close. And
Speaker 2: these Silk thought the three of them were close until
Speaker 2: Trump started to speak.
Speaker 4: You know, the world has lost one of its brightest stars,
Speaker 4: real star. But I see that we have another star
Speaker 4: who is equal to But she stepped up and she
Speaker 4: is different. I'm serious.
Speaker 5: I thought I knew them both.
Speaker 6: I didn't.
Speaker 4: I knew I knew Diamond, but I didn't know Silk
Speaker 4: at all. I just learned about Silk You're fantastic. You're
Speaker 4: gonna carry on beyond beyond anybody's wildest imagination.
Speaker 2: Oh my god. I mean it's like Trump showed up
Speaker 2: to that funeral, like Diamond's dead, but I'm gonna bury Silk.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, there's there's room for two in that casket.
Speaker 2: I mean, come on to say, you know Diamond, but
Speaker 2: don't know Silk is wild because they're always together. That's
Speaker 2: it's like saying, I know Bert, but I've never heard
Speaker 2: his early fellow. What's his deal? You know, I thought
Speaker 2: sister Sister was just called System.
Speaker 7: No.
Speaker 2: One. Trump, he probably only has room for one black
Speaker 2: woman in his brain at a time. If he turns
Speaker 2: on a TV right now, he'll be like, Wow, Diamond's
Speaker 2: hosting the Daily Show.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 2: You know a week ago she was dead, but thanks
Speaker 2: to me, she's risen.
Speaker 7: The word mummy is being canceled. Museums are choosing to
Speaker 7: go with different terms, largely because of the pop culture view,
Speaker 7: which tends to portray mummies as a monster. So CNN says,
Speaker 7: more museums are choosing to go with the term mammafied
Speaker 7: person to stories of person's humanity.
Speaker 2: Wait, wait minute, let's be clear right off the back,
Speaker 2: mummies aren't monsters. It's only a monster when it gets
Speaker 2: the fuck up, just the mummy.
Speaker 8: Monster.
Speaker 2: But yes, they want to they want us to be respectful.
Speaker 2: The correct usage is mummified persons, as in, why the
Speaker 2: hell do half our senators look like mummified persons? If
Speaker 2: you ask me the museums. I'm making a big mistake here.
Speaker 2: Having a monster in the museum is the only thing
Speaker 2: that gets kids in the door. You think kids are
Speaker 2: coming to see them old ass bowls. No, they're coming
Speaker 2: to see a mummy. This weekend, the Church of England
Speaker 2: announced that it will now allow its clergy to bless
Speaker 2: same sex marriages, but they're still not going to allow
Speaker 2: the actual wedding to happen in the church. But to
Speaker 2: be honest, this is also how I feel about any
Speaker 2: destination wedding. I ain't gonna be there, but good for y'all. Well,
Speaker 2: I don't know how your twenty twenty three is going,
Speaker 2: but it has not been going well for President Joe Biden.
Speaker 2: Just when we were ready to move on to the
Speaker 2: next scandal, the FBI searched his house for thirteen hours
Speaker 2: on Friday, and they found even more classified documents. At
Speaker 2: this point, the FBI is just decluttering Biden's house form.
Speaker 2: They're like Marie Condo going around.
Speaker 3: His rooms like.
Speaker 2: This list of spies does not spark joy. This doesn't
Speaker 2: bother me at all. I mean, come on, the man
Speaker 2: has been in public office for two hundred and thirty
Speaker 2: eight years. I bet you most of the shit he
Speaker 2: has isn't even classified anymore. You read his notes and
Speaker 2: it's like, keep an eye on this Hitler guy. It's
Speaker 2: just history now. It's just history. Now that teaching is
Speaker 2: stuff in schools, well not in Florida. But you know,
Speaker 2: by the way, some of you might not know. But
Speaker 2: before doing stand up, I worked at an It's Safe
Speaker 2: for seven years. Yeah it's true. I had a top
Speaker 2: secret clearance and everything. Thank me for my service, damn it.
Speaker 2: So I gotta say this story has me a little concern.
Speaker 2: You know, I'm sitting here thinking, damn, what is in
Speaker 2: my garage? I put that back? Right?
Speaker 8: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I put that back.
Speaker 6: I put that back.
Speaker 2: But in Biden's defense, at least he is cooperating with
Speaker 2: the FBI searchers right. In fact, he's been so cooperative
Speaker 2: it makes me wondering, like like, is he hoping they
Speaker 2: do work around the house for him? You know it's
Speaker 2: Biden like, uh, you know, fellas, I think I have
Speaker 2: some documents up in the gutters. You might need to
Speaker 2: clear the leaves out first. I know Jill would love that.
Speaker 2: She loved that. Speaking of Mike Pence, guess what they
Speaker 2: just found at his house? Yes, classified documents, Yes him too.
Speaker 2: First Trump, been Biden, now Mike Pence. You know, at
Speaker 2: some point the FBI is just gonna have to be like, Okay,
Speaker 2: I'm gonna close my eyes and count to ten, and
Speaker 2: if they are classified documents on this table when I
Speaker 2: open them, no one gets in trouble. Facebook and Instagram
Speaker 2: are ending the two year band they imposed on Donald
Speaker 2: Trump after January sixth and allowing the former president back
Speaker 2: on their sites. I mean, letting Trump back on Facebook
Speaker 2: is crazy. You're just asking for trouble. It's like letting
Speaker 2: Hannibal Lecter babysit your most delicious child. But Facebook is
Speaker 2: putting it back online anyway because they say that quote
Speaker 2: the public should be able to hear what their politicians
Speaker 2: are saying. And to that, let me say, quote Fowie. Look,
Speaker 2: we all know Facebook is losing a ton of money
Speaker 2: and they want that Trump attention back. They need a hit.
Speaker 2: Trump is their white lotus, right, I mean, he's the
Speaker 2: Jennifer Coolidge of the incident. Yeah, I'm fun. Look, but
Speaker 2: I think maybe for the first week they should just
Speaker 2: allow him to only post cat photos. You know, let's
Speaker 2: see how it goes if you see a bunch of
Speaker 2: cat storm in the Capitol. Although adorable, shut it down.
Speaker 5: Finally, there's something that Republicans and Democrats seem united on,
Speaker 5: and it's this the Taylor Swift ticket fiasco. Today on
Speaker 5: Capitol Hill, senators held a hearing to examine the lack
Speaker 5: of competition in the ticketing industry.
Speaker 6: The bipartisan hearing comes in the wake of a technology
Speaker 6: breakdown on the ticket Master website. During the presale for
Speaker 6: Taylor Swift's upcoming tour. Super fans known as Swifties faced ours,
Speaker 6: long wait times and website crashes.
Speaker 2: They just real.
Speaker 5: Nuggetting tickets.
Speaker 2: Shame on you, ticket Master, Look what you did to
Speaker 2: these emotional young people. Hey, you know what it's about
Speaker 2: time someone held ticket Master accountable. And the Swifties are
Speaker 2: the only ones who can get this done. They're the
Speaker 2: most politically organized group in America that it goes Swifties,
Speaker 2: the Teamsters, and somewhere way all the way down the
Speaker 2: list is the Democrats. You know these hearings are so popular.
Speaker 2: I bet ticket masters screwed up tickets to that too.
Speaker 2: You got kids outside crime.
Speaker 5: I'm the city's biggest food.
Speaker 2: I just wanted to see Dick Durbin. But ultimately, there's
Speaker 2: only one way to fix this problem. Get rid of
Speaker 2: online ticket sales. Go back to waiting online in person.
Speaker 3: Out laicole.
Speaker 2: Those people aren't that shit like we used to. You're
Speaker 2: not a real fan unless getting a ticket gave you hypothermia.
Speaker 2: Hey I almost lost two toes just to see Johnny
Speaker 2: gil and I'll do it again, damn it. The twenty
Speaker 2: twenty three Oscar nominations were announced this morning. Yeah, and
Speaker 2: if you're wondering how they picked the nominees this year,
Speaker 2: they basically just went, oh, let's see who's not gonna
Speaker 2: slap nobody. That's my pick.
Speaker 6: Now.
Speaker 2: As usual, there was good news and bad news. Good news,
Speaker 2: Michelle Yo became the first Asian woman nominated for Best Actress,
Speaker 2: But bad news, no women were nominated for Best Director. Yeah,
Speaker 2: but remember they gave it to Jane Campion last year,
Speaker 2: so I guess this year they thought, ah, I should
Speaker 2: hold you broads for the next fifty years. And personally,
Speaker 2: I'm a big Woody Harrison fan, so I was happy
Speaker 2: to see some nominations for A Triangle of Sadness. Yeah,
Speaker 2: which is not just a good movie, it's also what
Speaker 2: Mike Pence calls a vagina. We're coming up on eleven
Speaker 2: months since the Kremlin Grimlin invaded, and now the Ukrainian
Speaker 2: military is getting some major reinforcements.
Speaker 7: The announcement came this morning.
Speaker 4: The United States and Germany will both be sending tanks
Speaker 4: to Ukraine.
Speaker 8: Ukraine has been desperate to get tanks as Russia prepares
Speaker 8: for a spring offensive, and this morning it looks like
Speaker 8: more than a dozen German tanks will be on their
Speaker 8: way soon, with as many as one hundred to follow,
Speaker 8: with the US expected to send more than thirty Abrams tanks.
Speaker 8: Ukraine wants the advanced German tanks as soon as possible.
Speaker 8: As for those Abrams tanks, the only issue is they
Speaker 8: will not likely arrive for at least a year.
Speaker 2: A year. Oh, come on, us. Ukraine is fighting for
Speaker 2: its life and America is like, all right, the delivery
Speaker 2: window is from June to December. Make sure you're home.
Speaker 2: I'll tell you that damn Lewis n Joy has really
Speaker 2: messed up the post office. You've got to go.
Speaker 6: Now.
Speaker 2: The reason it took so long to send these tanks
Speaker 2: is that Germany didn't want to send tanks alone. They
Speaker 2: wanted another country to send tanks with them, because you know,
Speaker 2: it's not a great look. Just when it's German tanks
Speaker 2: rolling across Europe kind of makes people nervous. I think
Speaker 2: it should have been Sweden. Yeah, and they send tanks
Speaker 2: to Ukraine and Russia. Okay, hear me out, hear me out.
Speaker 2: And then Sweden do that thing you do where you
Speaker 2: send the tanks in parts with a diagram for a
Speaker 2: sibling them. Yeah. See that would bring the countries together,
Speaker 2: because no one couldn't assemble that shit on their own,
Speaker 2: you know, Ukraine to be like, hey, Russia, do you
Speaker 2: have an extra one of those wooden peggy thingies. FDA
Speaker 2: has some good news for babies, and if there are
Speaker 2: any babies out there watching what you're.
Speaker 3: Doing, go to dad.
Speaker 2: And also, your food's about to taste a lot less
Speaker 2: like pennies.
Speaker 9: In tonight's health Watch, we have important information for parents
Speaker 9: about baby food. The FDA today proposed new levels for
Speaker 9: lead in baby food, cutting the allowable level by about
Speaker 9: twenty five percent to twenty parts per billion or less.
Speaker 9: Now that would apply to baby foods made with fruits, vegetables,
Speaker 9: and dry cereals, but not cereal puff and teething biscuits,
Speaker 9: which have been found to have some of the highest
Speaker 9: lead levels. The author of a twenty nineteen report that
Speaker 9: found dangerous levels of lead in nearly ninety five percent
Speaker 9: of manufactured baby food says the FDA's proposals don't go
Speaker 9: far enough to protect children. But at least now you know.
Speaker 4: What.
Speaker 2: At least now you know is that a thing? Is
Speaker 2: this how you break bad news to people? Now? Hey,
Speaker 2: remember that bump I thought was a spider bite, Well
Speaker 2: it's herpes.
Speaker 3: But at least now you know.
Speaker 2: Across America, police are handing out one hundred and twelve
Speaker 2: thousand speeding tickets every day. Yeah, that's a lot of tickets.
Speaker 2: I'm like, where do they find the time to shoot people?
Speaker 2: And those tickets aren't going away anytime soon, because these
Speaker 2: findes aren't just to punish you. It turns out local
Speaker 2: governments need that money to keep the lights on.
Speaker 5: Traffic stops aren't always about safety or hunting contraband or crime.
Speaker 5: Some cities use traffic stops to raise money.
Speaker 2: The cities and counties that are trying to use these
Speaker 2: schemes trying to use these fines and fees to balance
Speaker 2: their budget are basically charging a backdoor tax to poor people.
Speaker 1: In the South, municipalities strapped for cash and targeting the
Speaker 1: most vulnerable citizens were primarily black and living under the
Speaker 1: poverty line. In Missouri, some of these municipalities generate anywhere
Speaker 1: from twenty to forty percent of their total revenue by
Speaker 1: finding citizens.
Speaker 2: That's right, these cities are filling their budgets on the
Speaker 2: backs of poor people. Yeah, so the next time a
Speaker 2: cop asked, do you know why I pulled you over?
Speaker 2: You can be like, let me guess the mail wants
Speaker 2: a standing desk, and getting fine is bad enough. But
Speaker 2: then they tackle on a bunch of extra fees, payment
Speaker 2: plan fees, collection fees. One county even has a fifty
Speaker 2: one dollars processing fee, So it costs you fifty one
Speaker 2: dollars to give me a thirty dollars ticket. How about
Speaker 2: you not giving me the ticket and you just saved
Speaker 2: yourself twenty one dollars. And let's say and let's say
Speaker 2: you're like a lot of people and don't have all
Speaker 2: this money just laying around. Well, in fourteen states, your
Speaker 2: ass might be going to jail. Yeah, you heard me right.
Speaker 2: Fourteen states will send you to jail for being poor.
Speaker 2: And if you want to know what states those are,
Speaker 2: it's probably the ones you're thinking of. And guess what,
Speaker 2: you could come out of jail owing even more because
Speaker 2: they actually charge you another fee for going to jail.
Speaker 2: Like that's so messed up.
Speaker 6: Wit.
Speaker 2: Wait a minute, I'm in jail because I couldn't pay,
Speaker 2: and now you're charging me more for being in jail.
Speaker 2: You know I couldn't pay. That's why I was here
Speaker 2: in the first place. What do you think I hit
Speaker 2: the lottery while I was in jail. But you know what,
Speaker 2: it doesn't have to be this way. A lot of
Speaker 2: other countries never find you more than you can afford.
Speaker 2: They find you based on your income. This makes it
Speaker 2: more fair since billionaires aren't paying the same fines as
Speaker 2: people who work at the dollar store. And if you're
Speaker 2: thinking that must lead to some expensive ass tickets. You'd
Speaker 2: be right.
Speaker 3: A man in Finland gone caught speeding, and boy did
Speaker 3: he have to pay up. Listen to this, A finished
Speaker 3: millionaire got a fifty eight one thousand dollars fine for
Speaker 3: going sixty four miles per hour in a fifty zone. Well,
Speaker 3: that seems kind of crazy here over in Finland, sweeting
Speaker 3: tickets are based on your income. The highest ticket so
Speaker 3: far was one hundred and three thousand dollars, a ticket
Speaker 3: given to a Nokia executive who made roughly fourteen million
Speaker 3: that year.
Speaker 2: I'll tell you what. I tell you what we did
Speaker 2: that here that would make me start putting those quarters
Speaker 2: in the parking meter. Look, if the ticket is meant
Speaker 2: to punish you, it should feel like a punishment. Thirty
Speaker 2: dollars for a rich person is not a punishment. Rich
Speaker 2: people don't even know money goes that low. If you
Speaker 2: asked deaf Baso for thirty dollars, he'll be like, uh,
Speaker 2: do I just rip a corner off of this one
Speaker 2: hundred dollar bill? So long story short, stop using four
Speaker 2: people as your little take a penny jar, especially over
Speaker 2: small shit. If anything, we should be doing the opposite.
Speaker 2: I propose every highway should have a broke lane. Do
Speaker 2: what you want, do what you want to do in
Speaker 2: the broke lane. What's the tail light? Expired registration? Dangling muffle?
Speaker 2: Who cares you get haul ass in the brokelane because
Speaker 2: you gotta get from your second job to your third job.
Speaker 2: I don't care, do whatever it takes. But if you
Speaker 2: get caught int theo broke lane talking about well, I'm
Speaker 2: trying to get to my squash game at the country club,
Speaker 2: then the officer can say who I'm gonna have to
Speaker 2: tase you and the electricity has a fifty one dollar
Speaker 2: processing feet.
Speaker 5: Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
Speaker 5: searching The Daily Show wherever you.
Speaker 2: Get your podcasts.
Speaker 4: Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central
Speaker 4: on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmouth Glucks.
Speaker 5: This has been a Comedy Central podcast No