WEBVTT - “I’M AN AIR FORCE VETERAN” 0:00:01.960 --> 0:00:02.240 Hello. 0:00:02.680 --> 0:00:03.520 Hey. What's your name? 0:00:04.400 --> 0:00:06.280 My name's Anthony, Anthony. 0:00:06.280 --> 0:00:07.440 What's up, Anthony? How are you doing? 0:00:08.160 --> 0:00:09.720 Not too bad? How about you? Man? 0:00:10.480 --> 0:00:13.680 I'm hanging in there another day, alive on the earth. 0:00:14.400 --> 0:00:15.000 You're right on. 0:00:15.600 --> 0:00:16.599 What's going on with you? Man? 0:00:17.720 --> 0:00:22.400 Not too much. I'm recently moving to Harrisburg after a 0:00:22.440 --> 0:00:27.520 three and a half year relationship breaking up. And yeah, 0:00:27.560 --> 0:00:30.800 I've been crashing with my friends. I've been using veterans assistance. 0:00:30.880 --> 0:00:33.400 I actually just got the call today that I'm improved 0:00:33.440 --> 0:00:36.320 to move into the new apartment in the city that 0:00:36.360 --> 0:00:37.320 I wanted to move into. 0:00:38.400 --> 0:00:42.519 You're a veteran, yes, sir. I actually was about to 0:00:42.560 --> 0:00:44.640 ask you if I thought you were like seventeen. 0:00:46.720 --> 0:00:47.760 No, man, I'm thirty one. 0:00:48.400 --> 0:00:50.560 Oh wow, you have a youth yeah voice. 0:00:51.479 --> 0:00:52.159 Oh thank you. 0:00:54.040 --> 0:00:54.840 What are you? 0:00:56.440 --> 0:00:59.560 What are you? A veteran of the Air Force? 0:00:59.640 --> 0:01:04.120 I did the network defense for the Air Force in 0:01:04.240 --> 0:01:05.560 a place I'm not going to say where. 0:01:06.319 --> 0:01:08.440 Cool. So what kind of benefits do you get as 0:01:08.440 --> 0:01:09.280 a veteran. 0:01:12.080 --> 0:01:13.560 Of the veteran things a little complication? 0:01:14.560 --> 0:01:17.679 Taylor's Hey, man, are you are you like holding your 0:01:17.959 --> 0:01:20.800 hand over the phone or anything like that, or walking 0:01:20.840 --> 0:01:22.040 around trying. 0:01:21.760 --> 0:01:23.839 To I'm holding it right up next to my face. 0:01:23.880 --> 0:01:27.640 Here, Okay, you're good. There we go. Okay, sorry saying no. 0:01:28.440 --> 0:01:30.880 The Veterans thing, I was only in for two and 0:01:30.920 --> 0:01:34.679 a half years because I had some pretty like fucked 0:01:34.760 --> 0:01:37.840 up what's the word I'm looking for leadership, Like my 0:01:38.360 --> 0:01:40.760 very high ranked officers would come to like two thirty 0:01:40.760 --> 0:01:43.520 in the morning room inspections on me and random shit 0:01:43.600 --> 0:01:47.160 like that. So they got me out before I had 0:01:47.319 --> 0:01:50.320 all four years and not all benefits I'm available to. 0:01:51.200 --> 0:01:55.680 So because my boyfriend or my ex boyfriend only gave 0:01:55.680 --> 0:01:57.880 me such a limited amount of time forty days to 0:01:57.960 --> 0:02:00.800 leave the apartment, I had to rely on their anti 0:02:00.840 --> 0:02:04.280 homelessness assistants to go through those avenues. 0:02:06.040 --> 0:02:09.200 And so now are you moving to a place that 0:02:09.320 --> 0:02:11.400 is sponsored by the Veterans Association? 0:02:12.360 --> 0:02:13.120 Yeah, yep. 0:02:13.880 --> 0:02:18.720 So there's an apartment complex like owning company that the 0:02:18.919 --> 0:02:23.959 Veterans affairs and then another local assistance program. They work 0:02:24.000 --> 0:02:27.560 hand in hand with them, and they'll cover rent for 0:02:27.639 --> 0:02:31.760 me for a whole year. They'll put the utilities in 0:02:31.840 --> 0:02:34.160 my name, but also cover utilities so that I can 0:02:34.160 --> 0:02:38.080 build credit. And the goal is to show significant improvement 0:02:38.120 --> 0:02:40.040 over the course of three and sixty five days and 0:02:40.080 --> 0:02:41.200 then take over the leaf. 0:02:41.080 --> 0:02:41.840 At the end. 0:02:42.400 --> 0:02:45.920 Cool. Yeah, good, So what is it? What does it 0:02:45.960 --> 0:02:47.480 mean to show significant improvement? 0:02:49.200 --> 0:02:53.480 See, what that's going to look like is switching job careers. 0:02:53.639 --> 0:02:58.400 Right now, I'm I'm working for a company where I 0:02:58.440 --> 0:03:01.760 get to be part time chef for a retirement center 0:03:01.800 --> 0:03:03.799 and then part time maintenance for the other side of 0:03:03.840 --> 0:03:08.000 their campus. But with all of this in mind, I'm 0:03:08.040 --> 0:03:10.600 going to be training for HVAC since there's such a 0:03:10.600 --> 0:03:12.360 big need for that and that's going to be really 0:03:12.360 --> 0:03:16.000 hard to replace by AI. So I'm gonna be getting 0:03:16.000 --> 0:03:18.800 my h VAC certification, showing that I have like enough 0:03:18.800 --> 0:03:21.000 in savings, showing that I can keep up with like 0:03:21.040 --> 0:03:23.600 other bills and things like that, just like, yeah, showing 0:03:23.680 --> 0:03:24.960 I can be a responsible adult. 0:03:25.000 --> 0:03:28.079 Really okay? And how do you feel about your ability 0:03:28.120 --> 0:03:29.040 to do all those. 0:03:28.840 --> 0:03:34.079 Things the same time? You know, like. 0:03:35.840 --> 0:03:37.040 Just a little bit every Yeah? 0:03:37.080 --> 0:03:40.920 Sorry, uh no, I'm excited and nervous about it. You know, 0:03:41.560 --> 0:03:44.480 I feel like I am capable of doing it. It's 0:03:44.520 --> 0:03:45.920 just going to be a lot of work to have 0:03:45.960 --> 0:03:49.000 a full time job, settling into a new apartment, getting 0:03:49.000 --> 0:03:50.720 to know the city that I'm living in, and then 0:03:50.800 --> 0:03:54.680 also going to school to get my h VAC certification 0:03:54.920 --> 0:03:56.800 as well. So it's a lot to get on my 0:03:56.840 --> 0:03:59.440 plate all at once, but I feel good about it 0:03:59.480 --> 0:04:01.840 and I feel to take on the next year. 0:04:03.200 --> 0:04:07.760 Sick very good. Yeah, So what happened with your ex? 0:04:08.720 --> 0:04:14.520 Yeah, basically, his mom gave him an ultimatum where he 0:04:14.560 --> 0:04:17.080 could stay with me in the state that we were 0:04:17.120 --> 0:04:20.520 living in and not receive any more assistance from her 0:04:21.920 --> 0:04:23.680 because he was having a hard time holding the job 0:04:23.720 --> 0:04:26.720 and things, or he could go home work for his 0:04:26.760 --> 0:04:30.159 mom's online business, live rent free, have his debt continue 0:04:30.200 --> 0:04:33.720 to be paid, and stay with mom. And he ended 0:04:33.800 --> 0:04:35.080 up choosing to go home instead. 0:04:36.920 --> 0:04:39.920 Okay, So and then that was the end of you guys. 0:04:40.520 --> 0:04:43.360 Yeah, because I've been living in this state for like 0:04:43.560 --> 0:04:46.360 ten years, and I have a really large support network 0:04:46.400 --> 0:04:49.520 and a full time job, and all of this news 0:04:49.600 --> 0:04:51.719 was only brought to me with forty days notice, and 0:04:51.760 --> 0:04:53.960 I couldn't pack up my life to move to a 0:04:54.000 --> 0:04:57.840 different state in forty days. And I explained that to him, 0:04:57.839 --> 0:04:59.520 but it was more important that he went home. 0:05:02.600 --> 0:05:09.320 So you're moving to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Yeah, Yeah, what's going 0:05:09.400 --> 0:05:11.040 on in Harrisburg Pennsylvania. 0:05:12.200 --> 0:05:15.960 Uh, well, South Central PA is the like mecca of 0:05:16.000 --> 0:05:18.520 the metal scene, which I'm like huge on right now. 0:05:18.960 --> 0:05:20.559 I always have been since I was in high school. 0:05:20.560 --> 0:05:23.240 It's mostly Lancaster, but Harrisburg has a lot of stuff 0:05:23.240 --> 0:05:26.200 for it, like JB Love Drafts. Best fucking place to 0:05:26.240 --> 0:05:29.600 hang out in Harrisburg for sure. It's this little like 0:05:29.720 --> 0:05:33.400 punk dive bar on Second Street. Yeah, best place did 0:05:33.400 --> 0:05:36.120 they do? Like free music every Fridays, all kinds of events, 0:05:36.160 --> 0:05:40.760 good like craft beers, good food. Yeah, awesome place. I 0:05:40.839 --> 0:05:42.880 was just at Pride on Saturday and had all kinds 0:05:42.880 --> 0:05:47.440 of fun with that. Yeah, it's just a cool city 0:05:47.440 --> 0:05:49.440 and I'm excited to like get to know it more 0:05:49.600 --> 0:05:52.080 outside of like visiting it once every couple of months 0:05:52.080 --> 0:05:52.680 to go to a bar. 0:05:53.320 --> 0:05:56.599 What So that's so random that there's a big heavy 0:05:56.640 --> 0:06:00.680 metal scene in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Did that come to be? 0:06:03.040 --> 0:06:05.279 There's just like a lot of up and coming artists 0:06:05.279 --> 0:06:07.880 coming out of like South Central Pa in general, Like 0:06:07.920 --> 0:06:12.640 I said, specifically Lancaster with like August Burns Red, I 0:06:12.640 --> 0:06:17.480 mean the other band I'm thinking of my favorite Galactic Empire. Yeah. 0:06:17.480 --> 0:06:20.280 So like there's that, and then there's Mickey's Black Box out 0:06:20.320 --> 0:06:22.880 in Lancaster too, which is like this rock campus that 0:06:22.920 --> 0:06:28.680 has two stages, hotels and like restaurants and all this 0:06:28.720 --> 0:06:32.080 stuff and studios for rent. So like any band can 0:06:32.200 --> 0:06:35.000 just like get time there, stay there, produce however much 0:06:35.040 --> 0:06:37.400 they need, get help producing it, and then go on 0:06:37.480 --> 0:06:39.440 with their lives. 0:06:40.720 --> 0:06:42.760 And are you do you play in a band. 0:06:44.360 --> 0:06:46.560 I used to play in like a like a normal 0:06:46.600 --> 0:06:49.599 cover band that we would do like birthdays and bars. 0:06:49.720 --> 0:06:51.760 But I haven't been able to get into a metal 0:06:51.800 --> 0:06:52.359 band yet. 0:06:53.240 --> 0:06:54.599 Are is that one of your plans when you go 0:06:54.600 --> 0:06:56.240 to Harrisburg, You're gonna get into a metal band? 0:06:57.400 --> 0:06:59.440 I mean, that'd be dope as hell. But like really, 0:06:59.440 --> 0:07:02.359 I'm just trying to like just be known in the 0:07:02.400 --> 0:07:05.320 scene in general, because I just love music scenes and 0:07:05.360 --> 0:07:09.039 I and I did the like local artist in Carlisle thing, 0:07:09.560 --> 0:07:11.160 and now I want to like get to know the 0:07:11.160 --> 0:07:13.480 metal scene better, just a little more, like personally. 0:07:13.960 --> 0:07:16.320 How does one get to be known in the scene. 0:07:17.520 --> 0:07:19.679 I think I think it's just gonna be like hanging 0:07:19.680 --> 0:07:22.840 out of JB's get introducing myself to different bands, figuring 0:07:22.840 --> 0:07:25.320 out where they're doing other shows, going to shows for 0:07:25.440 --> 0:07:28.120 bands that I like, Uh, I used to work merche, 0:07:28.160 --> 0:07:30.320 so I'm always talking to the merch guys about like 0:07:30.360 --> 0:07:31.800 what they're doing and stuff like that. 0:07:34.040 --> 0:07:34.280 Yeah. 0:07:34.320 --> 0:07:36.440 I think it's just about like networking and getting to 0:07:36.480 --> 0:07:36.960 know people. 0:07:37.960 --> 0:07:42.680 All right, man, that's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Well, 0:07:42.840 --> 0:07:46.400 I'll let me ask you this, uh caller, is there 0:07:46.400 --> 0:07:48.800 anything in particular that you wanted to call in to 0:07:48.880 --> 0:07:51.000 talk about today or just kind of. 0:07:53.360 --> 0:07:55.160 Kind of just shoot the shit about like what's been 0:07:55.200 --> 0:07:57.000 going on, kind of like I did with you so far. 0:07:58.240 --> 0:08:00.600 If there's anything in specific that seems interesting to talk 0:08:00.600 --> 0:08:01.800 about them down for that too. 0:08:02.920 --> 0:08:09.400 Okay, Well, in the in the in the Air Force, Yeah, 0:08:09.520 --> 0:08:10.920 did mean to you. 0:08:11.880 --> 0:08:14.360 Oh one hundred percent. Yeah, I'm actually I'm pursuing a 0:08:14.400 --> 0:08:15.800 disability claim because of it. 0:08:16.320 --> 0:08:19.520 Wait really how does that work? 0:08:20.520 --> 0:08:25.200 So basically I was I was diagnosed to a few 0:08:25.200 --> 0:08:28.280 different like mental illnesses because of the events that happened 0:08:28.680 --> 0:08:31.280 during my stay at my permanent duty station, which just 0:08:31.360 --> 0:08:33.160 means like the place where you're supposed to be for 0:08:33.240 --> 0:08:39.720 your job. And yeah, just the the environment of harassment, uh, 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:43.160 the twisting of Air Force standards so that I was 0:08:43.200 --> 0:08:47.920 set up to fail or specifically removing avenues of health 0:08:47.920 --> 0:08:52.560 and assistance from me and me only, along with like yeah, 0:08:52.600 --> 0:08:57.160 the random room inspections, the like constant supervision. There was 0:08:57.160 --> 0:08:59.200 one point I even got moved out of my section 0:08:59.360 --> 0:09:01.360 and the only person I was allowed to report to 0:09:01.559 --> 0:09:04.160 was the supervisor of the division that I was working for. 0:09:07.520 --> 0:09:10.880 It had to create an environment of harassment and fear, 0:09:11.240 --> 0:09:15.280 and it resulted in me getting PTSD, anxiety depression and 0:09:15.920 --> 0:09:18.000 like a severe distrust of authority. 0:09:20.200 --> 0:09:26.240 Okay, okay, that sounds that sounds air force E. That 0:09:26.320 --> 0:09:30.360 sounds very it sure does. Yeah, yep, okay, and now 0:09:30.360 --> 0:09:31.560 you're going to go into HVAC. 0:09:32.559 --> 0:09:37.160 Yeah yeah, because you know, computers are fine, but all 0:09:37.160 --> 0:09:40.600 the certifications I got are at this point like eleven 0:09:40.720 --> 0:09:44.440 twelve years old, and AI is moving so fast with computers. 0:09:44.480 --> 0:09:48.400 It's not really worth it for the effort versus reward. 0:09:48.400 --> 0:09:50.280 It's not worth it for me to just like go 0:09:50.360 --> 0:09:51.040 in and. 0:09:51.559 --> 0:09:53.720 Yeah, yeah everything. 0:09:54.480 --> 0:09:57.079 There's a flip I feel like where it's like blue 0:09:57.240 --> 0:10:00.720 white collar work is now going to be worth less 0:10:00.720 --> 0:10:01.800 than blue collar work. 0:10:02.120 --> 0:10:05.480 Yeah. So basically they look at my diagnoses and then 0:10:05.520 --> 0:10:10.040 they're like they have me do a doctor's appointments and 0:10:10.080 --> 0:10:12.640 they're like, yes, you do have depression, anxiety, et cetera. 0:10:13.240 --> 0:10:15.240 And it looks like it was from that. So here's 0:10:15.240 --> 0:10:16.439 your disability. 0:10:16.000 --> 0:10:20.439 Check well, and how much how much can we get 0:10:20.440 --> 0:10:22.160 from disability? What's what's that about? 0:10:22.400 --> 0:10:24.800 So that really depends on what I get rated for 0:10:24.920 --> 0:10:28.120 my percentage. That can be anywhere from like five hundred 0:10:28.520 --> 0:10:31.319 twice a month for thirty percent up to two for 0:10:31.400 --> 0:10:32.120 one hundred percent. 0:10:32.760 --> 0:10:35.800 Now is that like based because I assume this is 0:10:35.880 --> 0:10:40.240 based off of expenses that you incur as a result 0:10:40.360 --> 0:10:42.360 of these things, or is it just like. 0:10:43.080 --> 0:10:46.280 Now, Actually it's really it's it's it's literally like an 0:10:46.360 --> 0:10:50.760 I'm sorry check and they're like, hey, this this all 0:10:50.800 --> 0:10:53.600 this stuff happened to you. That was real. We're sorry 0:10:53.640 --> 0:10:56.880 about that. You were not owed to that. Therefore, here's 0:10:56.920 --> 0:10:59.120 the money as and I'm sorry and you'll get that 0:10:59.240 --> 0:11:00.160 until you die. 0:11:01.200 --> 0:11:05.240 Cool. Yeah, that's exciting. 0:11:07.720 --> 0:11:11.280 Yeah, that one's going slower. But the assistance with the VA. 0:11:11.440 --> 0:11:13.520 They did get me the approval for the apartment like 0:11:13.559 --> 0:11:15.440 fucking today, and that was really exciting. 0:11:16.600 --> 0:11:19.360 And are you living in this apartment by yourself? You 0:11:19.400 --> 0:11:20.080 got roommates. 0:11:20.880 --> 0:11:22.680 I will be living in the apartment by myself. 0:11:22.760 --> 0:11:26.800 Yeah, okay, very cool. So h VAC, I mean this 0:11:26.880 --> 0:11:28.800 is a is a cool life. All right. So you 0:11:28.920 --> 0:11:31.800 got you got your h VAC job, which ain't getting 0:11:31.920 --> 0:11:37.040 taken by AI anytime soon. Right, you're going out to 0:11:37.080 --> 0:11:39.880 heavy metal shows. You got a little bit of a 0:11:40.679 --> 0:11:48.640 government beer money. We'll call it. Yep, great, great, Uh 0:11:49.080 --> 0:11:55.200 anecdote for depression beer not well, no, I mean not sometimes. No, 0:11:55.280 --> 0:11:59.880 it's not. It's not a good idea. It's really nice, actually, dude. 0:12:00.040 --> 0:12:01.720 One thing I'd be really excited to talk to you 0:12:01.720 --> 0:12:04.040 about is all this stuff has happened in my life 0:12:04.280 --> 0:12:08.880 has had me contemplating suffering and what I mean by 0:12:08.920 --> 0:12:09.400 why are you. 0:12:14.040 --> 0:12:14.199 Well? 0:12:14.360 --> 0:12:17.720 Because your your podcast, dude, I listened to it all 0:12:17.760 --> 0:12:20.040 the time, like anytime there's a new episode on YouTube. 0:12:20.040 --> 0:12:22.080 I got that ship running while I'm at work, and 0:12:22.120 --> 0:12:23.760 you and you talk to a lot of people about 0:12:23.800 --> 0:12:26.640 a lot of really cool philosophical topics, and I kind 0:12:26.640 --> 0:12:29.120 of just wanted to like launch some of the thoughts 0:12:29.160 --> 0:12:31.880 I've had about suffering at you. If that's cool, all right, 0:12:31.920 --> 0:12:34.880 let's do it, Okay. So one of the first things 0:12:34.920 --> 0:12:40.560 I've come to is suffering is just like the self is, 0:12:40.640 --> 0:12:44.319 it just exists. It's not inherently good, it's not inherently bad. 0:12:44.920 --> 0:12:47.920 You don't inherently gain something good from some from suffering, 0:12:47.960 --> 0:12:49.800 and you don't inherently gain something bad. 0:12:49.840 --> 0:12:50.720 It just is. 0:12:52.080 --> 0:12:55.440 So what I've what I've come to think, is like 0:12:55.880 --> 0:13:00.320 I should accept suffering as the baseline of life. That 0:13:00.480 --> 0:13:04.320 just is life. To live is to suffer. But in 0:13:04.440 --> 0:13:08.360 the acceptance and knowing of that, I can then circumvent 0:13:08.480 --> 0:13:12.080 that and find other avenues of finding my joy. Peace 0:13:12.400 --> 0:13:15.000 or what I've found to be spiritually significant is just 0:13:15.080 --> 0:13:18.800 sharing love, whether it's platonic or otherwise with people. That's 0:13:18.840 --> 0:13:22.280 really where that suffering is lessened, and I find more 0:13:22.360 --> 0:13:28.240 joy and contentment in sharing love and just trying to 0:13:28.280 --> 0:13:32.480 find the ways to like, not necessarily ignore suffering, because 0:13:32.480 --> 0:13:35.640 I think it's important to acknowledge it, but you know, 0:13:35.880 --> 0:13:38.720 find ways to smile even though you're suffering. 0:13:40.080 --> 0:13:45.079 Oh God, man, yeah, I know, I know you mean, 0:13:45.240 --> 0:13:46.520 I know what you mean. I know what you mean. 0:13:48.280 --> 0:13:53.360 I don't yet want to accept that existence is suffering. 0:13:54.760 --> 0:13:55.960 Okay, So why is that? 0:13:57.160 --> 0:14:02.160 Why is that? Because that's just such you know what's man, 0:14:02.360 --> 0:14:04.360 And I'm telling you this in this moment, is that 0:14:05.800 --> 0:14:08.840 I don't know if I mean, yeah, you know you 0:14:08.880 --> 0:14:10.840 listen to the podcast and you know you hear me 0:14:10.840 --> 0:14:13.280 talk about philosophy and stuff. I don't know if philosophy 0:14:13.480 --> 0:14:16.360 has yet. I mean, I'm on a it's a continuing journey, 0:14:16.360 --> 0:14:18.160 but I don't know if it's had a great impact 0:14:18.240 --> 0:14:18.800 on my life. 0:14:18.960 --> 0:14:21.360 Philosophy I would agree. 0:14:21.480 --> 0:14:23.600 I think it's like taking your brain to the gym. 0:14:24.040 --> 0:14:24.720 You know, it's. 0:14:24.880 --> 0:14:27.520 No, no, it's not it's like no, it's like taking 0:14:27.560 --> 0:14:32.800 my brain and throwing it down a flight of stairs. 0:14:36.680 --> 0:14:39.560 Taking my brain. Taking my brain to the gym is 0:14:39.640 --> 0:14:48.760 like playing chess, or or or dissecting a nucleus or 0:14:48.800 --> 0:14:53.040 some ship. Okay, you know that's training your brain. Philosophy 0:14:53.560 --> 0:14:57.200 I've started. I I honestly, I I don't know if 0:14:57.240 --> 0:15:00.320 it was this morning or yesterday. I was thinking and 0:15:00.360 --> 0:15:02.720 I was like, dude, fuck because my brain has been 0:15:02.720 --> 0:15:05.280 stuck in a lot of like this philosophy shit, and 0:15:05.320 --> 0:15:09.400 I'm just like, dude, fuck, just like fuck this. You know, like, well, 0:15:09.440 --> 0:15:12.400 because you know, like you meet, you've you've met. I'm 0:15:12.440 --> 0:15:14.960 sure in the Air Force you met a lot of 0:15:15.080 --> 0:15:16.560 And this is not a dig on the Air Force. 0:15:16.640 --> 0:15:17.920 Has nothing to do with the air Force. But just 0:15:17.960 --> 0:15:21.920 you know whatever, you meet people and when you do things. Yeah, 0:15:21.960 --> 0:15:26.160 I'm sure you met you've met people before where you're like, 0:15:27.080 --> 0:15:30.920 because this fucking guy ever fucking thought about any thing. 0:15:32.720 --> 0:15:34.360 Yeah, when I was younger, that that kind of thing 0:15:34.440 --> 0:15:37.880 used to make me Mad's. 0:15:36.760 --> 0:15:38.560 It doesn't make you mad anymore, it's still it makes 0:15:38.600 --> 0:15:40.560 me mad. Still, I'm like, and you know what, and 0:15:40.600 --> 0:15:44.320 they're always having a great time. They're always having a 0:15:44.400 --> 0:15:46.160 great time. I don't. 0:15:46.240 --> 0:15:48.080 Yeah, when I was younger, that's what used to piss 0:15:48.200 --> 0:15:48.640 me off. 0:15:48.920 --> 0:15:50.640 Yeah, yeah, there was having a great time. I don't 0:15:50.640 --> 0:15:52.800 think philosophy, I don't think that like being it like 0:15:52.800 --> 0:15:56.560 when you're an overthinker and you're dissecting things and you're 0:15:57.920 --> 0:16:00.600 like being like awareness and the fuck, you know what. 0:16:00.680 --> 0:16:03.680 The fucking I'm sorry, I'm want suturant right now because 0:16:03.720 --> 0:16:08.240 I'm I'm I'm I'm feeling this is I don't. I 0:16:08.600 --> 0:16:13.520 almost feel like there was. And by the way, I'm hope. 0:16:13.520 --> 0:16:18.600 I'd love to chat with someone who can really change 0:16:18.640 --> 0:16:20.880 my mind about this. I really would, I really truly 0:16:20.920 --> 0:16:22.400 would love to chat with someone who could change my 0:16:22.400 --> 0:16:29.000 mind about this. But I think we were sold or 0:16:29.200 --> 0:16:32.560 talked or or whatever that like consciousness was some kind 0:16:32.560 --> 0:16:37.280 of a virtue where the philosophy was virtue, you know. 0:16:37.560 --> 0:16:39.520 And I don't know if I believe that anymore. I 0:16:39.560 --> 0:16:45.240 had a conversation, yes I was talking to I was 0:16:46.680 --> 0:16:52.600 talking to someone yesterday and I was like, you know, 0:16:52.680 --> 0:16:55.160 I used to like, if I saw, like a seventy 0:16:55.200 --> 0:16:59.720 eight year old guy, uh in line at a grocery store, 0:17:00.880 --> 0:17:04.560 he's yet and he's yelling at the cashier. That's a 0:17:04.560 --> 0:17:08.199 guy with no consciousness. That's the guy doesn't that's a 0:17:08.200 --> 0:17:11.720 guy with no consciousness. He doesn't think about his own mortality. 0:17:11.800 --> 0:17:17.360 He's probably not thinking about other people. He's not he's 0:17:17.440 --> 0:17:21.960 not really thinking about suffering. He's not just I want 0:17:21.960 --> 0:17:24.240 to fish this thought. But yeah, I don't think he's 0:17:24.280 --> 0:17:28.000 thinking about those things. I think he's deeply enthralled in 0:17:28.080 --> 0:17:33.919 the moment with his anger. He's his his emotions and 0:17:33.960 --> 0:17:37.640 his anger are grounding him in the present, and he's 0:17:37.720 --> 0:17:40.320 kind of and he's guiding he's being guided by them. 0:17:40.800 --> 0:17:44.320 His emotions are are throwing him around and guiding him. 0:17:44.560 --> 0:17:46.440 And he sees something on the news and he gets 0:17:46.440 --> 0:17:50.760 pissed off, and someone like and every little thing is 0:17:50.760 --> 0:17:55.320 like irking him. And and I used to and I 0:17:55.400 --> 0:17:58.200 used to think that I'm gonna say something so crazy, 0:17:58.200 --> 0:18:00.760 and I and it's okay, this is courted and that 0:18:00.840 --> 0:18:03.160 I'm I'm willing to be challenging that. And I used 0:18:03.160 --> 0:18:05.960 to be like, but that what that's not That's no 0:18:06.040 --> 0:18:08.560 way to live being constantly thrown around by your emotions. 0:18:08.640 --> 0:18:10.080 And now where I look at that guy and I'm like, 0:18:10.320 --> 0:18:15.199 I think that guy is I actually think there's a 0:18:15.240 --> 0:18:19.040 lot of peace in that almost I kind of do. 0:18:19.680 --> 0:18:21.520 I kind of do. I'm like, if you never fucking 0:18:21.600 --> 0:18:24.919 think about anything, you're never thinking about other people, and 0:18:24.920 --> 0:18:28.919 you're never thinking about the world around you, and every 0:18:29.040 --> 0:18:34.520 day is the day that you're in, you're probably like 0:18:34.680 --> 0:18:37.080 doing fun like like that, Like you're probably doing fine, 0:18:37.760 --> 0:18:37.960 you know. 0:18:38.840 --> 0:18:40.639 That's what I was gonna say. That dude's like living 0:18:40.800 --> 0:18:47.280 authentically living authentically living, authentically. 0:18:46.840 --> 0:18:50.560 Present at the expense of a lot of the people 0:18:50.960 --> 0:18:52.280 that he's around. 0:18:52.960 --> 0:18:55.600 The people and that's where he has self work to do. 0:18:55.760 --> 0:18:57.719 Yeah, yeah, but he's never gonna do the worry he's 0:18:57.720 --> 0:18:58.720 gonna die and he's. 0:18:58.600 --> 0:19:03.399 Just gonna And there's there's sty curmudgeons like that everywhere. 0:19:03.080 --> 0:19:07.000 And whereas if you're if you're so conscious and you're 0:19:07.040 --> 0:19:12.840 thinking about like and you're always thinking about uh, mortality, 0:19:12.920 --> 0:19:15.280 and you're always thinking about you know, all that, and 0:19:15.320 --> 0:19:18.480 you think you think about like whatever, you're like, oh god, 0:19:18.560 --> 0:19:21.640 everyone in you know, you think about like third world countries, 0:19:21.680 --> 0:19:24.240 and you think about like all the suffering, and it's 0:19:24.240 --> 0:19:26.359 always there, no matter what's going on in the news. 0:19:26.440 --> 0:19:31.280 There's always and there's forever, will be, always has been. 0:19:32.040 --> 0:19:35.680 Currently is lots of lots and lots of human suffering 0:19:35.680 --> 0:19:38.120 to dwell upon. And I think if you're thinking about 0:19:38.119 --> 0:19:41.400 those things and you're conscious about them, I think it's you. 0:19:41.400 --> 0:19:46.000 You're It makes you make you depressed, and then you 0:19:46.040 --> 0:19:48.040 start to believe things, and then you start to believe 0:19:48.040 --> 0:19:49.480 things like existence is suffering. 0:19:50.960 --> 0:19:53.440 But I think that, so I don't the suffering is 0:19:53.480 --> 0:19:56.040 a beautiful thing, not a negative, Okay. 0:19:56.080 --> 0:19:58.719 And that's where I and that's when I'm challenging myself 0:19:58.760 --> 0:20:00.560 and I'll talk to you about this, is that I 0:20:00.640 --> 0:20:04.920 think there is a way to be conscientious about things 0:20:05.520 --> 0:20:08.560 larger than yourself. But but then you get to choose 0:20:08.560 --> 0:20:10.680 what perspective you want to have on that. So go ahead, 0:20:10.680 --> 0:20:11.879 why is it a beautiful. 0:20:11.600 --> 0:20:14.520 Yeah, well, my best friend is the one that's really 0:20:14.520 --> 0:20:16.600 helping me wrap my head around this, and the way 0:20:16.640 --> 0:20:19.760 he words it is nothing matters. And because of that, 0:20:20.119 --> 0:20:24.520 nothing matters in the light sense, you know. So if 0:20:24.560 --> 0:20:27.679 everything is suffering and nothing in life matters, because at 0:20:27.680 --> 0:20:29.520 the end of the day, where this tiny little speck 0:20:29.600 --> 0:20:33.280 that is insignificant in comparison to the universe. If all 0:20:33.280 --> 0:20:35.879 of that is going on and nothing matters, then how 0:20:35.880 --> 0:20:38.560 do you live? Your life is completely up to you. 0:20:38.880 --> 0:20:39.920 There's a lot of freedom. 0:20:40.240 --> 0:20:44.560 But that's I don't that spooks me. I have always. 0:20:44.600 --> 0:20:47.320 Supposed to be scary. Yeah, I think it's I think 0:20:47.359 --> 0:20:50.080 it's supposed to be scary. It's cosmic. You're thinking, well 0:20:50.119 --> 0:20:54.760 beyond your singular individual experience and contemplating the cosmos as 0:20:54.800 --> 0:20:55.160 a whole. 0:20:56.280 --> 0:20:57.160 It should be scary. 0:20:58.760 --> 0:21:00.680 Yeah, but you give a meet fuck it. Did you 0:21:00.720 --> 0:21:03.240 ever meet a guy who works at a thing and 0:21:04.040 --> 0:21:07.960 he's like and he's got like a girlfriend and he's like, yeah, 0:21:08.000 --> 0:21:10.800 I saw a movie and there's like they're fine, fine, 0:21:11.080 --> 0:21:11.840 everything's fine. 0:21:12.000 --> 0:21:15.359 Yeah. I mean, I think I think there's also like, 0:21:15.480 --> 0:21:17.560 you know, ignorance is bliss, And I don't mean that 0:21:17.600 --> 0:21:20.760 as a negative. I think. I think there are some people, 0:21:20.760 --> 0:21:23.760 whether it's mental illness or you know, soul or whatever 0:21:23.760 --> 0:21:26.359 it is that causes you to contemplate existence. Maybe it's 0:21:26.400 --> 0:21:29.280 even trauma. Like in this specific instance, it's been a 0:21:29.320 --> 0:21:31.440 lot of very difficult life events that have led me 0:21:31.520 --> 0:21:32.600