1 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:14,720 Speaker 1: Happy Wednesday, and welcome back to another episode of Couch Talks, 2 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:18,720 Speaker 1: which is a bonus episode of You Need Therapy Podcast, 3 00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:22,239 Speaker 1: and Couch Talks comes out every Wednesday and it's where 4 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:25,560 Speaker 1: I answer your questions you email in and then You 5 00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:29,400 Speaker 1: Need Therapy. The normal episode comes out every Monday. If 6 00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:31,360 Speaker 1: you guys have questions you want me to answer, you 7 00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:34,199 Speaker 1: can send them to Catherine k A t h r 8 00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:37,640 Speaker 1: y n at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. I 9 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:39,920 Speaker 1: do want to say if some of you guys are 10 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,040 Speaker 1: like I sent in a question a long time ago, 11 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:46,560 Speaker 1: she hasn't answered it. Some questions I'm saving for actual 12 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:50,360 Speaker 1: episodes because there's too much of detail to go in them. 13 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:52,640 Speaker 1: I know there's some questions that I've gotten about trauma 14 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:57,360 Speaker 1: and memories and trauma bonds, and those I'm saving for 15 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:00,960 Speaker 1: full on episodes. Hopefully I get one of those episodes 16 00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:04,959 Speaker 1: out pretty soon. But today we are going to answer 17 00:01:04,959 --> 00:01:07,720 Speaker 1: a couple of questions that I have ready that you 18 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:11,040 Speaker 1: guys have sent in and the first one, and by 19 00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:14,959 Speaker 1: the way, keeping all of these questions anonymous, even though 20 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:17,080 Speaker 1: I know some of you guys don't really care, but 21 00:01:17,319 --> 00:01:19,120 Speaker 1: I'm just for the safety of everybody I'm just going 22 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,600 Speaker 1: to keep them all anonymous. Unless there's a reason that 23 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,600 Speaker 1: I would need to share somebody's identity, We're just gonna 24 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:26,880 Speaker 1: make them kind of blanket. And Plus, also, I get 25 00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:30,080 Speaker 1: a lot of questions that are very similar, and so 26 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:33,040 Speaker 1: I kind of jumble them into the same question and 27 00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:36,160 Speaker 1: kind of paraphrase some of them together. So that being said, 28 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:41,399 Speaker 1: this question comes from an anonymous listener, and it says, 29 00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:44,640 Speaker 1: I am about to start going to therapy this month, 30 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,960 Speaker 1: and I really struggle with being vulnerable. I'm very much 31 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:51,040 Speaker 1: a hey, this happened to me, but I'm fine type 32 00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:53,640 Speaker 1: of person. I don't like to make a big deal 33 00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:56,400 Speaker 1: out of things, so I downplay them. I'm going to 34 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,400 Speaker 1: therapy because I know I genuinely need healing. So I 35 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:02,040 Speaker 1: was wondering if you have any advice on how to 36 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:05,040 Speaker 1: be vulnerable with my therapist. This is such a good question. 37 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:07,800 Speaker 1: I'm going to start with, like therapy is so weird. 38 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:13,080 Speaker 1: Like it is so so weird. You're literally paying somebody 39 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:16,400 Speaker 1: to listen to every detail of your life that most 40 00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:18,480 Speaker 1: people in your life don't know, and it feels like 41 00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:20,840 Speaker 1: you should tell them all the things right off the bat. 42 00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:23,680 Speaker 1: But just with any other relationship. It's okay for it 43 00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:26,360 Speaker 1: to take a little time. I think there's usually a 44 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:29,040 Speaker 1: lot of nerves and intake sessions because you don't really 45 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:31,280 Speaker 1: know what to expect, especially if you've never been to therapy. 46 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:33,280 Speaker 1: But you don't really know what to expect as far 47 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,760 Speaker 1: as what's the therapist going to be, Like, what's her 48 00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:39,360 Speaker 1: like temperament? Is she warm? Is she kind of distant? It? 49 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:42,240 Speaker 1: Does she just not a lot? Does does she talk 50 00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:44,800 Speaker 1: a lot? And so I want to start out with 51 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:48,080 Speaker 1: therapy is a weird process. So give yourself some grace 52 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:52,280 Speaker 1: in the opening up part. Tell your therapist you're nervous 53 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:56,280 Speaker 1: or afraid. Most of the time, we know, like nerves 54 00:02:56,280 --> 00:03:00,480 Speaker 1: in first sessions are pretty obvious, and just any session 55 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:02,600 Speaker 1: actually it's pretty obviously, especially once you start to get 56 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:05,040 Speaker 1: to know the person. So I would just like name 57 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:07,920 Speaker 1: the elephant in the room, right, So right off the bat, 58 00:03:07,919 --> 00:03:10,000 Speaker 1: Hey I'm nervous. Hey, I don't really know how to 59 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:12,360 Speaker 1: be vulnerable. It's part of the reason I'm here. Be 60 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:16,880 Speaker 1: patient with yourself. Ask your therapist questions. So I tell 61 00:03:16,919 --> 00:03:18,760 Speaker 1: everybody that in the first session of like, I'm gonna 62 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:21,080 Speaker 1: be ask any a lot of questions. And it's okay 63 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:23,000 Speaker 1: if you ask them to me too. I might not 64 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:26,040 Speaker 1: always answer them because sometimes it wouldn't benefit you or 65 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:28,400 Speaker 1: it might hurt you if I answer them. But you 66 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:31,160 Speaker 1: have the ability to ask questions too, And so you 67 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:33,680 Speaker 1: might ask her even like, Hey, I'm really nervous, I 68 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:35,640 Speaker 1: don't know how to be vulnerable. Do you have any tips? 69 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:39,280 Speaker 1: I ask her, And just even starting that conversation can 70 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,760 Speaker 1: help you let go of some of that stuff. Also, 71 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:45,320 Speaker 1: allow this to come in pieces. You don't have to 72 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:47,680 Speaker 1: get through your whole life story or every deep dark 73 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:49,960 Speaker 1: fear or every single thing. And the first session of 74 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:52,040 Speaker 1: the second or the third. I have clients that have 75 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,080 Speaker 1: been seen for years and it's like, oh I just 76 00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:57,040 Speaker 1: learned something new like this week, and that's okay. Like 77 00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:00,800 Speaker 1: allow stuff to come in pieces. And Vulnerability isn't spilling 78 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:05,040 Speaker 1: your guts. Vulnerability is more than just telling somebody something. 79 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:10,120 Speaker 1: Vulnerability isn't just telling somebody information or facts or stories. 80 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:13,720 Speaker 1: Vulnerability has a lot more in it than that. And 81 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:17,479 Speaker 1: so I mean, vulnerability might end up being like silent 82 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:20,520 Speaker 1: for you guys, or not talking or not making comments 83 00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:23,360 Speaker 1: or not having to figure things out, and and so 84 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:26,440 Speaker 1: allow all that stuff to come in pieces, you will grow. 85 00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:29,279 Speaker 1: I think the relationship with the therapist is really cool 86 00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:32,680 Speaker 1: because a lot of us want to rush relationships or 87 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:35,400 Speaker 1: we want to push relationships away. And part of the 88 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:38,800 Speaker 1: relationship with your therapist is you learn how to like 89 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:43,799 Speaker 1: gradually become close to her or him. I also want 90 00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:48,040 Speaker 1: to remind you that your therapist isn't your friend, which 91 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:50,960 Speaker 1: can get kind of confusing sometimes. But they don't have 92 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:54,320 Speaker 1: to approve of you. They don't have to agree with 93 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:57,560 Speaker 1: everything you say. They're there to be somebody that can 94 00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,720 Speaker 1: show up as a stable human and help you kind 95 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:03,040 Speaker 1: of pull things apart and put them back together. It's 96 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:07,280 Speaker 1: their job to hear people's deepest, darkest insecurities and secrets. 97 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:11,599 Speaker 1: And the reality is whatever you're going to start talking 98 00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:14,640 Speaker 1: about and working through with your therapist or whatever you're 99 00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:18,440 Speaker 1: afraid to say, the therapist has probably heard that in 100 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:20,839 Speaker 1: some form or fashion before. And I don't say that 101 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:24,719 Speaker 1: to say that like therapists don't care. We do care deeply. 102 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,279 Speaker 1: It's that you're there's not much somebody can say to 103 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:29,400 Speaker 1: shock me, or that somebody is going to say to me. 104 00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:31,600 Speaker 1: I'm gonna be like, oh my god, I can't believe 105 00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:34,719 Speaker 1: this like that doesn't happen that often, especially if you 106 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:36,960 Speaker 1: have a therapist that's been working for a while. And 107 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:39,799 Speaker 1: so yeah, just give yourself some grace and the fact 108 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,640 Speaker 1: that you're probably not the only one dealing with the 109 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:44,719 Speaker 1: things that you're dealing with. That's why we have jobs. 110 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:49,840 Speaker 1: Good luck with your vulnerability journey. And okay, second question. 111 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:52,400 Speaker 1: I heard you say that whatever we use to numb 112 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,200 Speaker 1: our response is our way of acknowledging that our world 113 00:05:55,279 --> 00:05:58,400 Speaker 1: is jacked up or broken in your episode on addiction. 114 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:01,440 Speaker 1: My question is, how do you address the true issue 115 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:04,520 Speaker 1: of our world being broken without coming to the conclusion 116 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:06,880 Speaker 1: that if we can't change the world we are in, 117 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:10,040 Speaker 1: we have to either change ourselves or exit the world. 118 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:12,479 Speaker 1: It seems after listening to the podcast, there's just not 119 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:15,680 Speaker 1: a good choice or conclusion. Hopefully on a follow up 120 00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:18,599 Speaker 1: Q and a episode you can address this and how 121 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:21,159 Speaker 1: we can properly view the broken world we are in 122 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:23,680 Speaker 1: so we don't have to numb the experience. Okay, this 123 00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:26,200 Speaker 1: is such a good question and almost one that I 124 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:28,320 Speaker 1: wanted to make a full episode out of, but I'm 125 00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:30,120 Speaker 1: going to just answer this the best I can in 126 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:33,760 Speaker 1: a concise way. My first thought is coping. The first 127 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:36,159 Speaker 1: thing we have to do is look at how to 128 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:39,680 Speaker 1: cope in a healthy way, and addiction is a way 129 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,440 Speaker 1: to cope in a way that at some point becomes 130 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:45,160 Speaker 1: unhealthy or not helpful for us. And so the first 131 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:48,840 Speaker 1: thing is to introduce and work on some coping mechanisms 132 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:53,000 Speaker 1: that can allow us to get into our logical brain 133 00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,000 Speaker 1: and act not so much out of our emotion all 134 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,880 Speaker 1: of the time, or even bring those two brains together. 135 00:06:58,279 --> 00:07:00,320 Speaker 1: So the first step is how do I hope with 136 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:03,200 Speaker 1: feelings that the world brings? So then how can I 137 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:07,920 Speaker 1: regulate myself to respond instead of react? And then the 138 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:11,280 Speaker 1: second part then becomes, Okay, what do I do about 139 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,280 Speaker 1: my feelings and about the world. A lot of my 140 00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:16,600 Speaker 1: work comes from me personally realizing how screwed up the 141 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:19,040 Speaker 1: world is in certain areas and where I want to 142 00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:21,680 Speaker 1: make a change. And that's why I fight so hard 143 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:23,840 Speaker 1: around the things that I care about, especially when it 144 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:27,000 Speaker 1: comes to eating disorders and body image and diet culture 145 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:30,400 Speaker 1: and just addiction in general. Now this goes into feelings 146 00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:33,400 Speaker 1: and how our feelings are tools that we should pay 147 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:37,080 Speaker 1: attention to and listen to. So I look at feelings 148 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,200 Speaker 1: as guides, and they kind of tell us what we 149 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:42,640 Speaker 1: need rather than the bad guys. And when we look 150 00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:44,600 Speaker 1: at it that way, we no longer trying to shut 151 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:49,720 Speaker 1: our feelings down or off in numbing. We are looking at, Okay, 152 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:52,520 Speaker 1: what is this feeling telling me that I'm needing? It's 153 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:54,880 Speaker 1: almost like these feelings are good things. Even though they 154 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:58,120 Speaker 1: don't feel good, This feeling is good, if that makes 155 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:01,360 Speaker 1: any sense. If we numb, nothing will change. However, if 156 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:05,200 Speaker 1: we listen to our feelings, then we can begin to attempt. 157 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:08,240 Speaker 1: The change doesn't happen overnight, but we can at least 158 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,880 Speaker 1: we have a shot of getting somewhere. So to wrap 159 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:13,120 Speaker 1: that all up, the first thing again I want to say, 160 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:16,640 Speaker 1: is like coping. So learn how to self regulate ourselves 161 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,440 Speaker 1: so we can look at responding instead of reacting to 162 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:22,600 Speaker 1: the world. And then once we're regulated, we can tune 163 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:26,120 Speaker 1: into what am I feeling and then look at my 164 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:29,800 Speaker 1: feelings whether it's sadness or or hurt, or gladness or 165 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,840 Speaker 1: shame or anxiety or fear. If I'm looking at that 166 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,360 Speaker 1: feeling and asking what is this telling me, and I 167 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:38,040 Speaker 1: have a whole episode on feelings. If you want to 168 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:40,480 Speaker 1: go back and listen to that. It's called All of 169 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,680 Speaker 1: the Feelings, and I think that that might put some 170 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:45,600 Speaker 1: more context into what I'm talking about. Now. Usually only 171 00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:47,600 Speaker 1: do two questions, but this week i'ming to do three 172 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:52,000 Speaker 1: because I'm getting a lot of questions about recommendations for books, 173 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:55,800 Speaker 1: and I've gotten some questions from students that are in 174 00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:58,600 Speaker 1: grad school for to be counselors or therapists. And I've 175 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:00,559 Speaker 1: gotten a lot of questions just from y'all wanting to 176 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:03,800 Speaker 1: know more about attachment or anything. And I actually have 177 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:08,160 Speaker 1: a page on my website that is all book recommendations, 178 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:11,600 Speaker 1: So if you go to you Need Therapy podcast dot com, 179 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:15,320 Speaker 1: and then there is a resources page. I have some 180 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:19,120 Speaker 1: of my favorite books separated by subjects. So there's a 181 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:22,480 Speaker 1: couple on their about attachment, there's one on addiction ani 182 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:26,360 Speaker 1: a Graham Body Image, and so if you're wanting some 183 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,560 Speaker 1: book recommendations, to go ahead and head there, and there's 184 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:32,719 Speaker 1: links to go get them from Amazon. So it's super easy. 185 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:34,680 Speaker 1: I will say, if you're looking at attachment, one of 186 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:38,359 Speaker 1: my favorites is the Attachment Effect, and it looks attachment 187 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:44,120 Speaker 1: through every single part of your life, relationships, family, work, everything, 188 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:47,000 Speaker 1: and so I really love that one, and then the 189 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:48,600 Speaker 1: one on addiction that I love is In the Realm 190 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:52,640 Speaker 1: of Hungry Ghosts by Kabor Mate. And some of my 191 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,880 Speaker 1: favorite books on body image and eating disorders are Life 192 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,839 Speaker 1: Without Ed that's probably my go to. Body Respect is 193 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:01,679 Speaker 1: a really good book, and then trauma authors so many, 194 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:04,800 Speaker 1: but my favorite is The Body Keeps the Score. I 195 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:08,160 Speaker 1: do want to say that book can be super triggering. 196 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:10,439 Speaker 1: So if you're working through a lot of trauma right 197 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:12,560 Speaker 1: now and you your body is having a lot of 198 00:10:12,559 --> 00:10:14,680 Speaker 1: reactions to that, that's probably not the thing that you 199 00:10:14,679 --> 00:10:16,679 Speaker 1: want to go to. Yeah, So if you want to 200 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:19,040 Speaker 1: look at any of those books, go ahead to You 201 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:23,839 Speaker 1: Need Therapy podcast dot com, Slash Resources and you should 202 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:26,400 Speaker 1: see all of those. They're all right. Well, that wraps 203 00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:30,080 Speaker 1: up this week's episode of couch Talks. Thank you again 204 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:33,360 Speaker 1: for everybody who sent a question in and again, if 205 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,160 Speaker 1: you guys have questions, send them to Catherine at you 206 00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:39,760 Speaker 1: Need Therapy podcast dot com. I love every time I 207 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:42,520 Speaker 1: get a question, I read it personally first, it's literally 208 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:45,480 Speaker 1: coming to my inbox. And I also just wanted to 209 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:48,440 Speaker 1: say thank you. I'll probably continue to say thank you 210 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:51,200 Speaker 1: to everybody who's been so supportive in the last couple 211 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:54,000 Speaker 1: of weeks as Amy launched to the network that Amy 212 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:56,880 Speaker 1: Brown Podcast Network, and we've gotten a bunch of new 213 00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:59,600 Speaker 1: listeners and a new group of audience members, and it's 214 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:02,199 Speaker 1: really I need to see that. So, as always, I 215 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:05,959 Speaker 1: would love if you guys would like and subscribe and 216 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:09,600 Speaker 1: rate and comment on this podcast. It's really helpful for 217 00:11:09,679 --> 00:11:12,440 Speaker 1: us to gain more visibility, so more people can gain 218 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:14,960 Speaker 1: the information we're trying to spread. Thank you to everybody 219 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,120 Speaker 1: who's done that. It means so much to me. Every 220 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,400 Speaker 1: time I see a new review, I'm like, yeah, yeah, 221 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:22,080 Speaker 1: even if it's constructive, I think that we need that. 222 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:25,280 Speaker 1: And as a human I'm very open to being imperfect, 223 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:30,520 Speaker 1: and so I fully embrace some of the constructive criticism 224 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,800 Speaker 1: I have been given and hopefully that helps the podcast 225 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,000 Speaker 1: get even better. So tell us what you like, tell 226 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:38,120 Speaker 1: us what you don't like, and I will talk to 227 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:39,959 Speaker 1: you guys again on Monday.