1 00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:08,000 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the 2 00:00:08,039 --> 00:00:11,320 Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through 3 00:00:11,360 --> 00:00:16,079 Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and 4 00:00:16,079 --> 00:00:24,040 Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back 5 00:00:24,079 --> 00:00:26,840 Speaker 1: to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is 6 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,920 Speaker 1: so great to have you here. Back for another episode. 7 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:34,519 Speaker 1: Today we are talking about a very insidious part of 8 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:40,320 Speaker 1: our twenties, the pressure to be extraordinary, the pressure to 9 00:00:40,479 --> 00:00:44,760 Speaker 1: be the best, to be the wonder kind, to be 10 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:49,760 Speaker 1: the star, This idea that if we don't make it 11 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:54,840 Speaker 1: big now in our twenties, we will never have what 12 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:59,480 Speaker 1: it takes. This feeling follows us around everywhere, and I 13 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:04,160 Speaker 1: personally think it destroys a lot of our organic love 14 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:08,280 Speaker 1: for so many things, and it destroys our ability to 15 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:12,920 Speaker 1: be truly curious and truly passionate during your time in 16 00:01:12,959 --> 00:01:15,480 Speaker 1: our lives, when that is like our number one asset. 17 00:01:16,319 --> 00:01:18,920 Speaker 1: I cannot be the only one who feels this implicit 18 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:23,760 Speaker 1: sense that we are all in this race and we 19 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:26,240 Speaker 1: are all losing at the exact same time. We're all 20 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:29,840 Speaker 1: in the race, none of us are winning. There are 21 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:32,280 Speaker 1: like ten or twelve people in this world, ten or 22 00:01:32,319 --> 00:01:36,400 Speaker 1: twelve amazing twenty somethings who are Olympians, who are business owners, 23 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,320 Speaker 1: who are authors, who are experts. 24 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:42,479 Speaker 2: They're winning, but we are not. And the question always 25 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:46,759 Speaker 2: seems to be like, why can't that be me? Why 26 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:49,360 Speaker 2: didn't I make it? Why don't I have the motivation 27 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:52,680 Speaker 2: to be this extraordinary person? Does that mean that I 28 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:55,720 Speaker 2: am less than? It is so exhausting, and I think 29 00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:59,760 Speaker 2: we really need to dissect where that comes from from 30 00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:04,760 Speaker 2: us psychological standpoint, what it does to our ambition. I 31 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:07,000 Speaker 2: also want to talk about the role of viral fame, 32 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:10,840 Speaker 2: how that has changed our interpretation of what it means 33 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:14,840 Speaker 2: to be extraordinary, the gifted child phenomena, all of these things, 34 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:18,360 Speaker 2: but mainly the personal cost of this pressure to be 35 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:22,679 Speaker 2: extraordinary that just seemingly follows us around everywhere, and why 36 00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:26,920 Speaker 2: our current version of what is extraordinary is probably deeply, 37 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:32,280 Speaker 2: deeply flawed and deeply deeply wrong. So, without further ado, 38 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:34,960 Speaker 2: I feel like this is the pep talk I need 39 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:37,960 Speaker 2: right now. This is an important episode for me as well. 40 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:42,960 Speaker 2: Let's get into it. What doesn't mean to be extraordinary 41 00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:46,959 Speaker 2: in modern society? Right now? I think there are a 42 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:52,520 Speaker 2: few major themes that spring to mind, the biggest being fame, money, 43 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:59,240 Speaker 2: status items, being busy, being the best, accomplishing as much 44 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:04,119 Speaker 2: as possible a very short time. It is all very visible, 45 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:08,560 Speaker 2: isn't it, And it's all very dependent on external validation. 46 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:13,520 Speaker 2: It's all very hyper competitive. The appeal of external validation 47 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:19,040 Speaker 2: and meeting those external expectations for what success looks like 48 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:22,840 Speaker 2: is very understandable at this time in our lives, at 49 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,720 Speaker 2: this stage in our twenties, in our twenties, there are 50 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:28,679 Speaker 2: so many unknowns in front of us, like, there is 51 00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:32,000 Speaker 2: so much that we don't understand. It is only natural 52 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:37,520 Speaker 2: that we fixate on this very narrow vision of what 53 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:42,120 Speaker 2: extraordinary is that we know guarantees us approval because that 54 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:46,520 Speaker 2: makes us feel steady. Striving to be exceptional can provide 55 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:50,960 Speaker 2: a kind of emotional security, but also a social security 56 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:54,720 Speaker 2: that we don't often we don't really get from anything else. 57 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,520 Speaker 2: Like this is the blueprint if we follow it well. 58 00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,800 Speaker 2: All these people who have found this success seem happy, 59 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:03,760 Speaker 2: so we must be happy as well. We will be 60 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:08,240 Speaker 2: happy if we find that validation. Also, the social validation 61 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:12,640 Speaker 2: in particular that comes with visible success from your friends 62 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:17,040 Speaker 2: and family praising you right up to viral Internet fame 63 00:04:17,839 --> 00:04:21,200 Speaker 2: is very seductive, but it also limits our version of 64 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:24,440 Speaker 2: what a successful life looks like to only something that 65 00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:28,480 Speaker 2: can be seen and praised. You never see people bragging 66 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:32,240 Speaker 2: about the quality of their time off, the devotion to 67 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:35,640 Speaker 2: their hobbies. You never see people bragging about how deeply 68 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,279 Speaker 2: they've gotten to know themselves or how much rest do 69 00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:42,240 Speaker 2: they get. There's no prize for being the best kind 70 00:04:42,279 --> 00:04:45,920 Speaker 2: of friend or for surviving hard emotional things. We have 71 00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:49,000 Speaker 2: one version of success. Either you are that, either you 72 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:52,479 Speaker 2: are famed luxury money, or you're not successful. That is 73 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:56,520 Speaker 2: what society says. I think this has in part been 74 00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:00,840 Speaker 2: and I know has been intensified by social media in 75 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:05,040 Speaker 2: two ways. Firstly, the rise of viral fame that can 76 00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:08,599 Speaker 2: take somebody from like seemingly ordinary to extraordinary in the 77 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:11,680 Speaker 2: span of hours and like change your life, your status, 78 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:14,960 Speaker 2: your bank account balance overnight. This is the first time 79 00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:19,279 Speaker 2: in human history that this could be somebody's pipeline, that 80 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:24,040 Speaker 2: this could be somebody's life, and that makes extraordinary or 81 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:29,520 Speaker 2: being extraordinary feel so much more accessible genuinely like fame, 82 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:33,000 Speaker 2: even like twenty years ago, thirty years ago, fame used 83 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,480 Speaker 2: to be like a slow burn. It used to be exclusive, 84 00:05:36,839 --> 00:05:39,039 Speaker 2: and it used to be reserved for people who were 85 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:43,599 Speaker 2: really dedicated to a craft or who were perhaps became 86 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:47,520 Speaker 2: like sensational stars overnight. I actually read a study the 87 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:50,880 Speaker 2: other day that interviewed like, I don't know, I think 88 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:54,840 Speaker 2: like teenagers, like thousands of teenagers who were like and 89 00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:58,520 Speaker 2: actually even younger children like ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen year 90 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:02,279 Speaker 2: old kids, on what their dream job would be, and 91 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:08,440 Speaker 2: the majority of them said like YouTuber, online gamer, or influencer. This, 92 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:13,880 Speaker 2: like the viral fame, makes it feel so much more 93 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:16,080 Speaker 2: in reach for so many more people to be this 94 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:20,320 Speaker 2: extraordinary person, and that ups the pressure. The second way 95 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:22,719 Speaker 2: I think social media has intensified the need to be 96 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:27,640 Speaker 2: extraordinary is that unlike our parents' generation, who could probably 97 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,760 Speaker 2: only really compare themselves to the people that they know 98 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:35,120 Speaker 2: or mutual friends or I don't know, people their age 99 00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:36,719 Speaker 2: who like made it bigger and who were like in 100 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:40,560 Speaker 2: the paper, who were like public figures you and I like, 101 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,800 Speaker 2: we now have the entire online world to compare ourselves to. 102 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:49,599 Speaker 2: We are flooded with opportunities to see how we measure 103 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:53,920 Speaker 2: up against our peers, literally everybody people our own age 104 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:57,640 Speaker 2: who appear to be killing it from like all over 105 00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:00,960 Speaker 2: the world, like I don't. You would not have to 106 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:05,240 Speaker 2: search very far to find somebody your age, from your 107 00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:08,799 Speaker 2: part of the world who looks like you doing things 108 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:14,320 Speaker 2: that are just insanely cool and amazing. And they are 109 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:16,800 Speaker 2: one in a million, but we see a million of 110 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:20,120 Speaker 2: them a day. We don't see like the normal lives. 111 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:23,160 Speaker 2: We don't see the tough bits unless they want us 112 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:26,360 Speaker 2: to see it. We don't see. We only see like 113 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:30,080 Speaker 2: the people who have broken through a very tricky algorithm 114 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:33,400 Speaker 2: to reach our screen, or to reach like our public 115 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:38,680 Speaker 2: knowledge or like our public yeah, the public arena. And 116 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:41,520 Speaker 2: this creates a cognitive fallacy that if these are the 117 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:46,480 Speaker 2: only people we see online, everybody else must like it 118 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:49,440 Speaker 2: must be accessible. These people were just like us before 119 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:53,280 Speaker 2: they got here, and everybody could have this, so why 120 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:56,160 Speaker 2: don't we In a more professional context as well. I 121 00:07:56,200 --> 00:08:00,000 Speaker 2: think LinkedIn has done that for even more traditional career 122 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:02,160 Speaker 2: past as well. Obviously, not everybody wants to be an 123 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:06,480 Speaker 2: influencer or a YouTuber, but LinkedIn does that for finance, 124 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:10,760 Speaker 2: for consulting, for law, for accounting. There was a twenty 125 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:15,120 Speaker 2: sixteen study that assessed a sample of seventeen hundred university 126 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:20,320 Speaker 2: students and measured the correlation between LinkedIn usage and depression 127 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:24,360 Speaker 2: and social anxiety, and they found that participants who used 128 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:29,160 Speaker 2: LinkedIn at least once per week were much more likely 129 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:33,720 Speaker 2: to have these indicators of poor and mental health. And 130 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:37,480 Speaker 2: that's the problem with constantly striving to be extraordinary. At 131 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:44,800 Speaker 2: this age, extraordinary feels exceedingly normal because of how cases 132 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:49,200 Speaker 2: of extraordinary people are everywhere and rise to the surface 133 00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:54,520 Speaker 2: and dominate what we see because it's exciting. It's exciting 134 00:08:54,559 --> 00:08:57,440 Speaker 2: and alluring to see somebody make it. And this of 135 00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:00,640 Speaker 2: course breeds a very deep, intitious form of social comparison. 136 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,360 Speaker 2: I should say this social comparison in itself is not 137 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:07,560 Speaker 2: a bad thing. I actually think it's a useful thing. 138 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,520 Speaker 2: It's completely normal to look around you and to look 139 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:13,959 Speaker 2: at others for information about what you should be doing, 140 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,079 Speaker 2: and how you think, and how you feel and how 141 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:21,600 Speaker 2: you should behave It provides an incredible evolutionary advantage in 142 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:25,440 Speaker 2: a highly complex and interconnected modern social world. Knowing what 143 00:09:25,559 --> 00:09:28,400 Speaker 2: is the norm is often good for social standing. But 144 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:32,040 Speaker 2: there are obvious problems that come with constantly looking at 145 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:36,439 Speaker 2: other people to validate our lives and our choices, especially 146 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:40,840 Speaker 2: when what we see of them may be incorrect or 147 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:45,440 Speaker 2: probably is the incomplete picture. I came across this article 148 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:48,640 Speaker 2: written by this woman. I cannot remember her name, but 149 00:09:48,679 --> 00:09:51,600 Speaker 2: she was on the thirty Under thirty list in twenty 150 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:54,120 Speaker 2: and eighteen. If you don't know what the Forbes thirty 151 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:57,640 Speaker 2: Under thirty list is, it's like basically a list of 152 00:09:57,679 --> 00:10:01,480 Speaker 2: thirty people aged thirty and under who have done like 153 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,200 Speaker 2: really impressive things, and it's like a real thing to 154 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:07,400 Speaker 2: get on this list. And this woman, this author of 155 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:14,600 Speaker 2: this article, talks about how the award it doesn't account 156 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:19,360 Speaker 2: for the whole picture of people's lives. It doesn't like 157 00:10:19,679 --> 00:10:23,680 Speaker 2: it doesn't look at the facts of their achievements. It 158 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:27,320 Speaker 2: doesn't think about it doesn't weigh up who was self 159 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,960 Speaker 2: made versus who had family support. It doesn't weigh up 160 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:33,200 Speaker 2: their failures. She points to when Forbes there was like 161 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,440 Speaker 2: a really famous article a couple of years back about 162 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:38,800 Speaker 2: like Kylie Jenner being like the first self made billionaire 163 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:43,400 Speaker 2: woman on one of its covers, and in this article, 164 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:46,360 Speaker 2: this woman talks about how, like this list, that's an 165 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:50,000 Speaker 2: example of how they fetishize achievement, but they erase the 166 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:54,040 Speaker 2: role of privilege and access, like they only spotlight the individual, 167 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:57,200 Speaker 2: not the system, not all the stuff that went right 168 00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:00,280 Speaker 2: for them, not all the luck they have or even 169 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,720 Speaker 2: not when like they never talk about what went wrong 170 00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:07,800 Speaker 2: or anything that isn't glamorous. I'm like, I'm totally banking 171 00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:10,040 Speaker 2: on her name. I'm gonna leave a link below. It 172 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,880 Speaker 2: is such a good article. It's on vox if you 173 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:15,040 Speaker 2: want to read it. And again, this woman who wrote 174 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:18,000 Speaker 2: this article was a Forbes thirty under thirty, like a wardie, 175 00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:22,040 Speaker 2: Like she belongs to this extremely tiny group, just thirty 176 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:25,160 Speaker 2: people under thirty every year who are deemed to be extraordinary. 177 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,120 Speaker 2: And if she is calling out the lack of transparency 178 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:31,440 Speaker 2: with young people and the true stories of people who 179 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:33,959 Speaker 2: achieve these huge milestones and how it's not all that 180 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:36,199 Speaker 2: it seems like, I think we should listen, and I 181 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:40,120 Speaker 2: think we should acknowledge that the I don't know, the 182 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:42,320 Speaker 2: idols that we have, the visions or the views or 183 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:45,880 Speaker 2: the pictures of success we have are probably not correct. 184 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,600 Speaker 2: I think part of the pressure to be extraordinary also 185 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:53,840 Speaker 2: comes down to hustle culture, very obvious hustle culture, This 186 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,319 Speaker 2: idea that we should always be on always should be 187 00:11:56,880 --> 00:12:00,719 Speaker 2: burning the midnight oil, or it always should be optimizing. 188 00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:06,440 Speaker 2: Our free time is everywhere, like they villainize free time. 189 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:10,640 Speaker 2: Time spent relaxing is times you should be spent, like 190 00:12:10,679 --> 00:12:14,200 Speaker 2: that should be spent working and pushing ourselves harder. And 191 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:18,280 Speaker 2: there's this whole narrative of like pressure is privilege. I've 192 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:21,080 Speaker 2: been saying more and more videos on TikTok and Instagram 193 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:24,080 Speaker 2: that are like I can't complain when there's work to 194 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:26,480 Speaker 2: like when there's work to do, Like I can't complain 195 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:28,680 Speaker 2: that my plate is full when I wanted to eat, 196 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:32,040 Speaker 2: I can't complain about the pressure that I wanted. Like 197 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,240 Speaker 2: that's this whole mentality of like, if you're not suffering 198 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:38,240 Speaker 2: and working hard, you're not deserving. Even the things that 199 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:43,520 Speaker 2: are purely done for enjoyment. These days need to be maximized. Literally, 200 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:50,040 Speaker 2: maximizing is the trend, like hobby maxing, looks maxing, life maxing, 201 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:54,839 Speaker 2: outside maxing, flow state maxing. Like I could go on, 202 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:58,400 Speaker 2: everything needs to be maximized. It's created this lingering sense 203 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:01,360 Speaker 2: that we have to be found to get all our hobbies, 204 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,559 Speaker 2: we always have to be gearing towards monetizing them. We 205 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:15,640 Speaker 2: need to strive to be extraordinarily beautiful, happy, fun, rested, successful, friendly. 206 00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:20,800 Speaker 2: We have to have everything in order to like just 207 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:25,600 Speaker 2: be normal or especially I think the idea is like, 208 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:31,040 Speaker 2: in order to be satisfied again, partly because of how 209 00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:34,280 Speaker 2: visible our lives are now, everything needs to be for 210 00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:37,000 Speaker 2: an audience. Everything needs to be and you need to 211 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:40,640 Speaker 2: have the most of the things, the most of everything 212 00:13:40,679 --> 00:13:43,720 Speaker 2: that you can get. Everything needs to be balanced to perfection. 213 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,640 Speaker 2: And I think they really like they start us young 214 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:49,960 Speaker 2: when it comes to this pressure. Obviously I'm blaming social media. 215 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,160 Speaker 2: I think that this comes down to a lot more 216 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:56,920 Speaker 2: complex ideas than just that. I have to say, if 217 00:13:57,400 --> 00:14:01,760 Speaker 2: you were a gifted child or an overachiever as a teenager, 218 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:04,240 Speaker 2: this next bit of this episode is for you, because 219 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:09,119 Speaker 2: the straight a student to burnt out twenty something pipeline 220 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,800 Speaker 2: is so real. I think the pressure to be extraordinary 221 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:20,600 Speaker 2: in our twenties begins with the obsession with excessively smart, talented, 222 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:27,080 Speaker 2: wonder kid like type people when we were children, like 223 00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:32,640 Speaker 2: the accelerated programs, the child savant, the bragging rights like 224 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:36,120 Speaker 2: our parents received. Everybody wanted a gifted child, and it 225 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:38,160 Speaker 2: actually ends up being a little bit of a curse, 226 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:45,000 Speaker 2: of course, Like it's only natural that our society praises 227 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:49,960 Speaker 2: and wants to celebrate intelligence and wants to celebrate, you know, 228 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:54,280 Speaker 2: being talented. But boxing a child into that identity so 229 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,800 Speaker 2: young and during such a formative time for their self 230 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:04,200 Speaker 2: concept does psycho logical damage long term because it delivers 231 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:09,480 Speaker 2: the expectation that you can never deviate from this identity 232 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:13,040 Speaker 2: as the star for the rest of your life. You 233 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:16,280 Speaker 2: will have to continue to be the best. Like your 234 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:21,000 Speaker 2: trajectory is set. You were a gifted child, you better 235 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,800 Speaker 2: be a gifted adult, and if you deviate, that's because 236 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:28,120 Speaker 2: you messed up. You've squandered your potential. You didn't work 237 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:33,320 Speaker 2: hard enough. But adult life like isn't the same as 238 00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:37,840 Speaker 2: our lives as children or even as teenagers. There's a 239 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:42,720 Speaker 2: much bigger playing field. We have so many other options 240 00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:46,280 Speaker 2: open to us that weren't there before. There's a whole 241 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:51,320 Speaker 2: new set of challenges to balance. That means that when 242 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:58,280 Speaker 2: we're exposed to people or environments or situations that are challenging, 243 00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:00,880 Speaker 2: or where we aren't the smartest person in the room 244 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,480 Speaker 2: or we aren't the most talented person in the room. 245 00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:06,040 Speaker 2: After being told to believe that we always would be 246 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:09,520 Speaker 2: from a young age. It can be really, really jarring. 247 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:13,080 Speaker 2: Frustration can set in when we can't master new skills 248 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:16,840 Speaker 2: with ease. We might believe that we're not clever anymore, 249 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:20,960 Speaker 2: that we peaked in high school. We suffer from imposter syndrome. 250 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:26,080 Speaker 2: There isn't often an entire identity collapse that comes that 251 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:31,840 Speaker 2: I think afflicts every person who was praised for being smart, creative, 252 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:35,080 Speaker 2: the best as a child, who then as an adult, 253 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:39,520 Speaker 2: you know, it's still smart, amazing, and talented, but cannot 254 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:41,600 Speaker 2: operate at the same level that they could when they 255 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:45,920 Speaker 2: had didn't have bills, didn't have complex relationships, didn't have 256 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:50,920 Speaker 2: global wars to worry about. I think we may wonder 257 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:55,280 Speaker 2: where our feeling of being special will come from now, Like, 258 00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:58,360 Speaker 2: now that we're out of that system, how do we 259 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:02,960 Speaker 2: set ourselves apart? And so we set ourselves unrealistically high 260 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:06,360 Speaker 2: standards to achieve something that will make us feel worthy, 261 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:09,920 Speaker 2: and then we still don't feel satisfied when we get there. 262 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:13,000 Speaker 2: The truth is A twenty twenty five study found that 263 00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:18,119 Speaker 2: former gifted children often struggle more than non gifted children 264 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:23,400 Speaker 2: after graduation because their only coping mechanism is working harder, 265 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:27,720 Speaker 2: and they struggle in environments whether there just aren't those 266 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:31,240 Speaker 2: same clear metrics for them to achieve against and for 267 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:35,480 Speaker 2: them to feel validated by. Like that's the truth. That's 268 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,200 Speaker 2: probably what a lot of you guys are going through 269 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,800 Speaker 2: right now. And the other thing that gets confusing, and 270 00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:42,680 Speaker 2: I kind of just mentioned it, is that after high school, 271 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:47,280 Speaker 2: after university, like the idea of linear success is revealed 272 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,800 Speaker 2: very quickly to be a myth. When we were in 273 00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:53,360 Speaker 2: high school, when we were in college, everything is kind 274 00:17:53,359 --> 00:17:56,119 Speaker 2: of this step up, like we achieve this, and then 275 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,040 Speaker 2: we achieve this, and then we climb this, and then 276 00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,919 Speaker 2: we get to the top. And when we graduate, we 277 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:02,840 Speaker 2: climb the career ladder and every two years were rewarded 278 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,040 Speaker 2: with the promotion, and we're rewarded with the raise until 279 00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:07,119 Speaker 2: we get to the top of the ladder, and then 280 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:11,520 Speaker 2: we are predictably, naturally our happiest because we have done 281 00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:14,040 Speaker 2: it and we have the success story we always want 282 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:20,640 Speaker 2: it to be. But like that progression is not true anymore, 283 00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:23,639 Speaker 2: if it ever was true. Instead, we live in a 284 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:27,320 Speaker 2: very uncertain time for all of our careers, for all 285 00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:33,960 Speaker 2: of our lives. Rapidly evolving technology, AI, financial crisis, a 286 00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:38,639 Speaker 2: volatile job market means that our age group isn't going 287 00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:43,240 Speaker 2: to have that same sense of upward mobility and progress 288 00:18:43,359 --> 00:18:46,119 Speaker 2: that a lot of other generations have. There was this 289 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:52,560 Speaker 2: woman called Eliza Philby. She wrote the book Inheritocracy, and 290 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:55,080 Speaker 2: she's the one who estimated that gen Z will have 291 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:59,920 Speaker 2: five careers and work for fifteen different employers in their lifetime, 292 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,440 Speaker 2: whereas in the past that typically would sit around the 293 00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:05,240 Speaker 2: one to two mark. When we change jobs, when we 294 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:08,080 Speaker 2: shift industries as is necessary for us at the moment, 295 00:19:09,119 --> 00:19:11,320 Speaker 2: it can make us feel like we are falling down 296 00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:15,720 Speaker 2: the ladder and that we're not exceptional because taking a break, 297 00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:19,600 Speaker 2: taking a detour, any kind of deviation, is basically like 298 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,159 Speaker 2: we're out of the running because, you know, compared to 299 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:25,760 Speaker 2: somebody else who didn't deviate, like we are now behind, 300 00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:32,280 Speaker 2: and that that is a really stressful situation to be in. Again, 301 00:19:32,359 --> 00:19:36,000 Speaker 2: the pressure that puts on us, it's a deeply it's 302 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:41,320 Speaker 2: deeply anxiety inducing. It's also incredibly unproductive and actually counterintuitive. 303 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,720 Speaker 2: As much as I do agree pressure may be a 304 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:48,600 Speaker 2: privilege for some, when a certain version of success is 305 00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:51,280 Speaker 2: the be all and end all, of life and you 306 00:19:51,359 --> 00:19:54,320 Speaker 2: are not achieving or anywhere close to achieving that success. 307 00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:59,400 Speaker 2: It actually ends up making our goals feel less achievable 308 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:02,680 Speaker 2: and uses our motivation. This is what I want to 309 00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:06,600 Speaker 2: talk about next. You know, we know where the pressure 310 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:11,480 Speaker 2: to be extraordinary comes from. We know that what kind 311 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:14,879 Speaker 2: of set up to fail in many ways? Now what 312 00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,600 Speaker 2: does it actually do to our motivational systems and our 313 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:21,439 Speaker 2: mental health when our only version of what would make 314 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,280 Speaker 2: us happy or what would constitute a good life is 315 00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:29,200 Speaker 2: this outdated model of like the brilliant young individual. We're 316 00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:31,560 Speaker 2: going to talk about that and so much more after 317 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:40,399 Speaker 2: this shortbreak. So, the pressure to be extraordinary does a 318 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:44,760 Speaker 2: few things, the most important being it just creates a 319 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:49,760 Speaker 2: chronic sense of inadequacy. It also kills our motivation. It 320 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:53,480 Speaker 2: stops us from experimenting, It stops us from like sometimes 321 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:57,880 Speaker 2: doing anything at all. Let's break those down one by one. 322 00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:01,760 Speaker 2: The problem with being extraordinary is that it never lasts, 323 00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:07,280 Speaker 2: even if you do achieve everything you want. It's a mirage, 324 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:10,399 Speaker 2: you know, once you have met the expectations that you 325 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,320 Speaker 2: set for yourself or somebody else set for you, like 326 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:15,240 Speaker 2: the bar is always going to be raised because that 327 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:19,800 Speaker 2: is like the pure definition of extraordinary, like it pushes boundaries. 328 00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:26,240 Speaker 2: Being extraordinary is about being constantly challenged, and it runs 329 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:29,720 Speaker 2: off this hyper competitive narrative in society. I'm sure many 330 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:33,160 Speaker 2: of us have had this experience whereby we achieve one thing, 331 00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:36,639 Speaker 2: we are so happy about it for about a minute, 332 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,280 Speaker 2: and then we are already looking towards the next thing 333 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:42,919 Speaker 2: and the next This feeling has a name in psychology. 334 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:49,119 Speaker 2: It's called achievement adaptation. It's very similar to hedonic adaptation. Basically, 335 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:56,040 Speaker 2: it is the tendency to overestimate how great big achievements 336 00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:59,199 Speaker 2: are going to make you feel a long term, and 337 00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:04,840 Speaker 2: to essentially become desensitized to your own efforts and accomplishments, 338 00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:08,560 Speaker 2: such that all good feelings lose their impact over time. 339 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:12,440 Speaker 2: So basically it's like an addiction, like you need more 340 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:16,119 Speaker 2: and more to feel happy. Every bar that you rise 341 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:19,639 Speaker 2: to meet will be raised, and you will feel like 342 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,480 Speaker 2: you're not doing enough to get there. Some of the 343 00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:26,480 Speaker 2: most like conventionally successful people you know, struggle with this 344 00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:29,000 Speaker 2: this inability to look around and be like, hey, like 345 00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:31,920 Speaker 2: I'm where I always wanted to be. I'm really proud 346 00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:34,520 Speaker 2: of that. I'm so proud of how far I've come. 347 00:22:35,359 --> 00:22:38,320 Speaker 2: Taylor Swift is a great example, literally the most famous 348 00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:40,720 Speaker 2: person in the world. And I don't know if you've 349 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:43,280 Speaker 2: watched her documentary. I'm sure what many of you have, 350 00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:45,840 Speaker 2: but the one from a few years ago, I think 351 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:48,600 Speaker 2: it was called like Miss Americana. There is this scene 352 00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:52,840 Speaker 2: in that documentary that I think about all the time, 353 00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:56,080 Speaker 2: like constantly. It's the scene where she's like waiting to 354 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:59,639 Speaker 2: hear about Grammy nominations and she's like just written her 355 00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:03,080 Speaker 2: album Lover. This woman has already won at that point, 356 00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:08,120 Speaker 2: I think a dozen Grammys, and her publicist is like, no, 357 00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:10,840 Speaker 2: you didn't, you didn't win any you didn't even get 358 00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:13,440 Speaker 2: nominated actually, and you can see she's just like crushed. 359 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:17,520 Speaker 2: She just crushed. And I distinctly remember her being like, well, 360 00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:19,320 Speaker 2: I just have to be better. I have to make 361 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:22,280 Speaker 2: a better album. I have to push myself more. And 362 00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:24,760 Speaker 2: it doesn't look like at that time that was an 363 00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:27,680 Speaker 2: enjoyable thing for her, Like obviously now, and she did. 364 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:31,560 Speaker 2: She did obviously meet that new level. But being exceptional 365 00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:33,800 Speaker 2: can become a bit of a curse because your worth 366 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:40,080 Speaker 2: is dependent on your ability to outperform yourself. I think 367 00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:43,760 Speaker 2: when we begin to recognize this loop that nothing is 368 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:48,800 Speaker 2: ever enough. We will never be as good as a 369 00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:51,800 Speaker 2: version of us that doesn't exist or a version of 370 00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:54,800 Speaker 2: other people that doesn't exist. I think that actually kills 371 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,359 Speaker 2: our motivation in a way, because we're kind of like 372 00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:00,960 Speaker 2: why bother? Like why do I? Why bother trying so hard? 373 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:03,840 Speaker 2: If every time I do achieve something the goalpost shift, 374 00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:07,800 Speaker 2: if I'm never going to be that person. I think 375 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:10,320 Speaker 2: this logic comes into play, which is like, you know, 376 00:24:10,359 --> 00:24:12,760 Speaker 2: it's better not to try it all. You know, I'd 377 00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:17,440 Speaker 2: rather feel unexceptional because I didn't try than unexceptional because 378 00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:23,000 Speaker 2: I did, and like that has revealed my inadequacy. This 379 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:26,520 Speaker 2: is called learned helplessness, or a version of learned helplessness 380 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:31,240 Speaker 2: called self handicapping. So this term was coined in like 381 00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:35,760 Speaker 2: the sixties, self handicapping. Learned helplessness coined in the sixties 382 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:40,360 Speaker 2: by these two researchers who basically realized sometimes people get 383 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:45,040 Speaker 2: so adjusted and so used to being dissatisfied every time 384 00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:48,400 Speaker 2: they do try that they just stop trying, Like they 385 00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:51,119 Speaker 2: just realize that they're never going to be this extraordinary person, 386 00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:54,760 Speaker 2: so they don't even try to be ordinary. In a way, 387 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:58,880 Speaker 2: when they were testing this theory on humans, Selgaman, who 388 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:03,040 Speaker 2: was one of the researchers, he would subject participants to 389 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:10,320 Speaker 2: really loud, unpleasant noises using a lever that would not 390 00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:13,320 Speaker 2: stop the sound. So basically there was a lever they 391 00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:17,760 Speaker 2: were told I can't remember exactly, but essentially they were 392 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:19,720 Speaker 2: told that the lever would stop the sound. And they 393 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:22,160 Speaker 2: were sitting in this room and the sound was really annoying, 394 00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:28,520 Speaker 2: really frustrating. In the first round that people were pulling, pulling, 395 00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:32,040 Speaker 2: pulling the lever, it wasn't working. In the second round, 396 00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:35,199 Speaker 2: the lever was working. But by this stage they just 397 00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:38,320 Speaker 2: kind of learned to adjust to the circumstances and they'd 398 00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:41,159 Speaker 2: stop believing that they could do anything to change it. 399 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:43,280 Speaker 2: So none of them pulled the leather, or like a 400 00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:46,800 Speaker 2: very few of them did, even though like if they 401 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:49,560 Speaker 2: had tried again it would it would have worked and 402 00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:52,920 Speaker 2: the sound would have gone away. They just learnt and 403 00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:57,520 Speaker 2: really leaned in, learned in to the sense of helplessness 404 00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:00,240 Speaker 2: that like, nothing is going to change for me. The 405 00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:04,200 Speaker 2: biggest result of this is a chronic state of apathy. 406 00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:10,600 Speaker 2: When we experience prolonged exposure to not meaning our expectations 407 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:14,479 Speaker 2: to uncomfortable situations that we feel like we can't avoid, 408 00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:17,159 Speaker 2: we can't alleviate, We're never going to be what we 409 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:20,680 Speaker 2: want to be. We effectively learn to accept the situation 410 00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:23,280 Speaker 2: we are in as a given. We become stuck. We 411 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:27,199 Speaker 2: become convinced that because we can't be the most exceptional, 412 00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:31,359 Speaker 2: we are doomed to mean nothing at all. It is 413 00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:34,560 Speaker 2: a very black and white form of thinking. It can 414 00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:37,840 Speaker 2: also mean that when we do get opportunities or we 415 00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:43,160 Speaker 2: are put in luxe path, all the expectation about what 416 00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:46,800 Speaker 2: that could mean for us makes us choke. This is 417 00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:51,440 Speaker 2: classic performance anxiety that I think is directly derived from 418 00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:55,280 Speaker 2: the pressure to be extraordinary, whereby pressure gets to a 419 00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:59,560 Speaker 2: point where it's no longer motivating, it is debilitating, and 420 00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:01,760 Speaker 2: it means that even when you have all the opportunities 421 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:04,760 Speaker 2: you could ask for, you cannot act on them because 422 00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:09,160 Speaker 2: you are so nervous about screwing the moment. This has 423 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:12,639 Speaker 2: traditionally been observed obviously in athletes who are like the 424 00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:15,320 Speaker 2: final moment, they are doing something that they have done 425 00:27:15,359 --> 00:27:19,680 Speaker 2: since they were children. They choke, for example, There is 426 00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:22,840 Speaker 2: evidence of this happening time and time again. Research has 427 00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:27,240 Speaker 2: shown that in the last thirty seconds of type basketball games. 428 00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:33,440 Speaker 2: NBA players sorry are I think five point eight percent 429 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:38,400 Speaker 2: less likely to score from a free throw line than 430 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:43,800 Speaker 2: at any other time in the game or during their history. 431 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:47,000 Speaker 2: They're also more likely to perform worse in front of 432 00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:50,040 Speaker 2: a big home crowd. We are at risk of doing 433 00:27:50,119 --> 00:27:52,199 Speaker 2: the same. Yes, we may not be playing basketball, but 434 00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:55,640 Speaker 2: in job interviews, exams, during big meetings for big opportunities, 435 00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:59,160 Speaker 2: when we start gaining momentum with something we're really passionate about, 436 00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:03,600 Speaker 2: we get I'm so anxious about not doing it correctly 437 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:07,440 Speaker 2: or about the possibility that something's going to go wrong, 438 00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:09,800 Speaker 2: that we just we do nothing and we feel incapable. 439 00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:14,440 Speaker 2: The best way we can actually counteract this is to 440 00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:17,800 Speaker 2: bring back the fun to it. Basically, when you say 441 00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:21,520 Speaker 2: to yourself, like this is meant to be fun, This 442 00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:23,399 Speaker 2: isn't meant to be that serious. I'm just here to 443 00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:26,760 Speaker 2: enjoy myself. I'm here to learn, I'm here to play. 444 00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:28,479 Speaker 2: This is actually one of the best things you can 445 00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:31,680 Speaker 2: do for this kind of pressure and this performance anxiety, 446 00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:34,960 Speaker 2: because you actually trigger your nervous system to calm down 447 00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:39,040 Speaker 2: and to stop viewing your current situation as a threat. Genuinely. 448 00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:42,840 Speaker 2: They have done studies on this. People who counteract pressure 449 00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:47,080 Speaker 2: by asking themselves, how can I enjoy this more? How 450 00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:49,800 Speaker 2: can I play around with this more? How can I 451 00:28:49,880 --> 00:28:54,360 Speaker 2: make a game out of this? Do better? They do better. 452 00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:57,160 Speaker 2: A playful mindset is like magic because it lets you 453 00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:00,880 Speaker 2: loosen your grip a little bit. And that's really what's 454 00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:03,280 Speaker 2: killing a lot of this ambition and dreams is that 455 00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:08,160 Speaker 2: we're so stressed, we're clinging on to it so tightly 456 00:29:08,200 --> 00:29:10,720 Speaker 2: that we're like choking it. We need to be able 457 00:29:10,760 --> 00:29:15,080 Speaker 2: to let things naturally move and flow. With that in mind, 458 00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:17,480 Speaker 2: I think it is time that we talk about some 459 00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:21,760 Speaker 2: other important mindset shifts that can lessen the pressure to 460 00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:26,000 Speaker 2: be extraordinary and let you start flourishing without the need 461 00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:29,560 Speaker 2: to be the greatest. And that The first one is 462 00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:32,360 Speaker 2: the mindset of like, how can I have fun here? 463 00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:38,680 Speaker 2: Another is this mantra of being like, even the ordinary 464 00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:41,800 Speaker 2: can be extraordinary if I do it with care, if 465 00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:44,200 Speaker 2: I do it with authenticity, if I do it with focus. 466 00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:48,240 Speaker 2: Being on Forbes thirty one to thirty, being a CEO, 467 00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:52,880 Speaker 2: being famous, getting headlines all great, But you can be 468 00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:56,320 Speaker 2: the best at anything you like that is completely small 469 00:29:56,320 --> 00:29:58,800 Speaker 2: and minute. You can be the best cook in your 470 00:29:58,800 --> 00:30:02,200 Speaker 2: friendship group. You can be the best at hosting your 471 00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:04,600 Speaker 2: games nights. You can be the best at making Campa 472 00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:08,080 Speaker 2: graphics in your workplace. You can be the best at 473 00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:11,240 Speaker 2: finding I don't know, like remarkable Facebook marketplace deals. I 474 00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:14,360 Speaker 2: have a friend like that. I genuinely think she could 475 00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:17,640 Speaker 2: win a world championship. You also don't have to be 476 00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:20,840 Speaker 2: the best at anything to be extraordinary. This is again 477 00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:26,120 Speaker 2: like where we need to remake our definition of extraordinary altogether, 478 00:30:26,680 --> 00:30:31,280 Speaker 2: Like we need to revise that being extraordinary to this 479 00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:36,720 Speaker 2: current world looks one certain way, and I don't know 480 00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:39,680 Speaker 2: about you, but it gets rather boring, Like it's kind 481 00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:44,400 Speaker 2: of boring. Being extraordinary to you, though, might be very interesting. 482 00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:48,240 Speaker 2: It might look like collecting a vast number of experiences, 483 00:30:48,760 --> 00:30:51,719 Speaker 2: meeting lots of people, taking time off when you know 484 00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:55,239 Speaker 2: you need it, the ability to travel whenever you want to, 485 00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:59,600 Speaker 2: hopping off the so called career ladder, doing something that 486 00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:03,360 Speaker 2: you're passionate about, taking care of yourself, and maybe having 487 00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:06,360 Speaker 2: a lot of interesting side quests. It maybe being the 488 00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:10,440 Speaker 2: person who can always connect others, gaining experiences in every 489 00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:14,080 Speaker 2: single way possible, not just the career way, like, there 490 00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:16,560 Speaker 2: are so many other versions of extraordinary that I think 491 00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:22,560 Speaker 2: are more extraordinary than what our current definition is, Like 492 00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:26,120 Speaker 2: the current definition of like what makes extraordinary Again, it's 493 00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:30,400 Speaker 2: kind of plain like making a lot of money, being 494 00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:34,360 Speaker 2: very successful in a traditional way. I think at this 495 00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:38,040 Speaker 2: point it's kind of like, well, I don't know that 496 00:31:38,120 --> 00:31:41,120 Speaker 2: everybody can do it, but so many people are there, 497 00:31:41,880 --> 00:31:44,760 Speaker 2: and they don't seem particularly happy. Some of them don't 498 00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:48,880 Speaker 2: seem like particularly fulfilled or nice people, and they don't 499 00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:51,440 Speaker 2: seem like they have very fulfilling lives. The version of 500 00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:56,560 Speaker 2: extraordinary that we're kind of willing to explore, just like objectively, 501 00:31:56,600 --> 00:32:00,000 Speaker 2: looks more interesting and probably will lead you to experience 502 00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:02,360 Speaker 2: reads a lot more that is like quite nourishing. I 503 00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:06,600 Speaker 2: also think like our careers, speaking specifically of careers you know, 504 00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:10,360 Speaker 2: are not They're a journey, not a race, and they're 505 00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:13,960 Speaker 2: especially not worth being a race if you hate what 506 00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:17,920 Speaker 2: you're doing the entire time. And again, what people won't 507 00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:23,000 Speaker 2: tell you is that people who are stereotypically exceptional, especially 508 00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:26,480 Speaker 2: early on, like that in itself can be its own 509 00:32:26,600 --> 00:32:29,720 Speaker 2: version of golden handcuffs, and not just in like the 510 00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:34,360 Speaker 2: gifted child being pigeonholed way, but in a really complex way. 511 00:32:34,840 --> 00:32:37,440 Speaker 2: People who find success early on it's not all that 512 00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:39,960 Speaker 2: it's cracked up to be. They often speak about this 513 00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:43,360 Speaker 2: lack of flexibility they now have. They speak about the 514 00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:47,320 Speaker 2: curse of a reputation, even a good reputation. They will 515 00:32:47,320 --> 00:32:50,960 Speaker 2: always be the youngest lawyer. They will always be the 516 00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:54,960 Speaker 2: teenage CEO. They will always be the athlete, the star 517 00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:57,320 Speaker 2: from that one show that they made when they were 518 00:32:57,400 --> 00:33:01,080 Speaker 2: twenty five, the person who did that one thing once 519 00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:03,280 Speaker 2: when they were young, and because they were young it 520 00:33:03,320 --> 00:33:07,239 Speaker 2: was significant. That means that people question them more when 521 00:33:07,280 --> 00:33:10,120 Speaker 2: they go to try new things. They see them more 522 00:33:10,280 --> 00:33:12,560 Speaker 2: or they see them only as what they used to be, 523 00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:15,480 Speaker 2: and that makes it hard for them to kind of 524 00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:19,280 Speaker 2: challenge assumptions. It also gives them less room to experiment. 525 00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:24,400 Speaker 2: Experimentation in itself is extraordinary and I think actually gives 526 00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:28,920 Speaker 2: you more choice down the line because you've explored the 527 00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:34,800 Speaker 2: what ifs, You've had more diverse experiences and more opportunities 528 00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:39,040 Speaker 2: for learning than someone who found success in the first 529 00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:42,760 Speaker 2: thing they ever did. Probably they probably don't have that. 530 00:33:43,440 --> 00:33:46,320 Speaker 2: Not to bag on them obviously, like they're very impressive people. 531 00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:49,440 Speaker 2: I personally know people who are like Forbes thirty onunder thirty. 532 00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:53,040 Speaker 2: I think they're fantastic and they're very nice. But you 533 00:33:53,280 --> 00:33:55,160 Speaker 2: actually do have a freedom they don't have. You have 534 00:33:55,280 --> 00:33:58,880 Speaker 2: reputational freedom to be whatever you want to be when 535 00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:01,080 Speaker 2: you want to be it, not just when you're twenty, 536 00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:03,280 Speaker 2: and not just at something that's going to follow you 537 00:34:03,320 --> 00:34:06,720 Speaker 2: around for the rest of your life. Again, being extraordinary 538 00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:11,080 Speaker 2: may be aspirational, it is no guarantee of happiness. And 539 00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:12,719 Speaker 2: there's a lot of people, I mean a lot of 540 00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:16,359 Speaker 2: people who are probably on your vision boards or who 541 00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:19,359 Speaker 2: come to my mind and would come to your mind 542 00:34:19,400 --> 00:34:22,399 Speaker 2: when we are asked to describe an exceptional or extraordinary 543 00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:27,719 Speaker 2: person who are deeply, deeply miserable and who cannot have fun, 544 00:34:28,239 --> 00:34:32,120 Speaker 2: cannot fail, cannot explore the way that you can as 545 00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:36,440 Speaker 2: a novice. I also think there's a lot more that 546 00:34:36,560 --> 00:34:40,400 Speaker 2: matters for our happiness and health than being the best. 547 00:34:40,800 --> 00:34:42,920 Speaker 2: Let's talk about it some more after this short break. 548 00:34:48,760 --> 00:34:51,560 Speaker 2: There's a lot more that matters for our happiness and 549 00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:55,799 Speaker 2: health than being the best. And the biggest one that 550 00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:59,800 Speaker 2: comes to my mind is our relationships. They never get this, 551 00:35:00,040 --> 00:35:04,600 Speaker 2: but light that professional success does that same psychotherapist who 552 00:35:04,719 --> 00:35:09,719 Speaker 2: talked about learned helplessness, Martin Sielgman. He also invented the 553 00:35:09,719 --> 00:35:12,240 Speaker 2: field of positive psychology. If you want another fun fact, 554 00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:18,200 Speaker 2: he has conducted extensive research that shows that the strength 555 00:35:18,200 --> 00:35:22,880 Speaker 2: of our relationships, whether that is with friends, family, a partner, 556 00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:29,000 Speaker 2: that is the single most reliable measure of wellbeing, more 557 00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:33,160 Speaker 2: so than fame, for sure, more so than money, for sure, 558 00:35:33,239 --> 00:35:36,600 Speaker 2: more so than achievement, more so than accomplishment. All these 559 00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:38,840 Speaker 2: things that we think are hallmarks and will determine a 560 00:35:38,840 --> 00:35:41,880 Speaker 2: good life, none of it, all of it pales in 561 00:35:41,880 --> 00:35:45,520 Speaker 2: comparison to close relationships. Close relationships, more than money, more 562 00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:48,680 Speaker 2: than fame, are what keep people fulfilled and happy throughout 563 00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:53,080 Speaker 2: their lives. Again, sometimes we need this grounding reminder. If 564 00:35:53,160 --> 00:35:57,160 Speaker 2: you're solely focused on being impressive or being seen in 565 00:35:57,200 --> 00:35:59,480 Speaker 2: a certain way, that it means you don't spend time 566 00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:03,759 Speaker 2: with your friends, you don't focus on being somebody who 567 00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:08,120 Speaker 2: can love and be loved like those things are going 568 00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:10,600 Speaker 2: to carry you so much further in the people who 569 00:36:11,080 --> 00:36:13,360 Speaker 2: sacrifice that do miss out in a way that you 570 00:36:13,400 --> 00:36:18,080 Speaker 2: may not be. The final reminder, the final mindset shift 571 00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:21,680 Speaker 2: I have for you today is to remember fulfillment and 572 00:36:21,719 --> 00:36:26,239 Speaker 2: your dreams and executing your purpose has no deadline. There 573 00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:30,239 Speaker 2: is no expiration date. This is the curse I think 574 00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:32,560 Speaker 2: a lot of us struggle with in our twenties. If 575 00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:34,239 Speaker 2: I am not all that I want to be by 576 00:36:34,280 --> 00:36:38,319 Speaker 2: a certain age, well it's never going to happen. I 577 00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:41,239 Speaker 2: simply don't believe that's true, and I don't see any 578 00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:44,040 Speaker 2: evidence for that being true either. I can give you, 579 00:36:44,080 --> 00:36:47,479 Speaker 2: like a very cliche list you guys have probably seen 580 00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:51,880 Speaker 2: of all those people Oprah, Harrison Ford, Vera Wang like 581 00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:55,960 Speaker 2: Morgan Freeman who have become successes at forty fifty sixty. 582 00:36:56,000 --> 00:37:00,160 Speaker 2: But I just think in everyday life, there are so 583 00:37:00,200 --> 00:37:03,720 Speaker 2: many stories if you start looking for them, of people 584 00:37:03,719 --> 00:37:08,319 Speaker 2: who have found success at ages that are never highlighted, 585 00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:11,440 Speaker 2: or that we would never expect success to come to 586 00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:14,160 Speaker 2: us at. I'm going to give you an example, and 587 00:37:14,200 --> 00:37:16,240 Speaker 2: it's a really weird one. But I was in Amsterdam 588 00:37:16,280 --> 00:37:20,320 Speaker 2: the other day and I went to this strange museum 589 00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:26,560 Speaker 2: called the Mouse Mansion, and whilst we were there, I'm 590 00:37:26,600 --> 00:37:28,759 Speaker 2: going to be real, it's a children's museum. But my 591 00:37:28,840 --> 00:37:31,720 Speaker 2: friend Rosie was like, you have to go, it's really endearing. 592 00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:34,359 Speaker 2: We go we do a tour, we like paint these 593 00:37:34,360 --> 00:37:38,520 Speaker 2: little doors for the mice. And this woman shout out 594 00:37:38,520 --> 00:37:42,560 Speaker 2: to Eleanor. The host was telling us the story of 595 00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:45,040 Speaker 2: this museum is like one now one of the most 596 00:37:45,080 --> 00:37:48,200 Speaker 2: famous museums in Amsterdam. And I was like, who made 597 00:37:48,239 --> 00:37:51,000 Speaker 2: this museum? Like who where did this come from? And 598 00:37:51,040 --> 00:37:52,759 Speaker 2: she was like it was this woman in her like 599 00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:56,880 Speaker 2: forties or fifties who had had her kids, had a 600 00:37:56,960 --> 00:38:01,840 Speaker 2: Korea and she he just like was having this vision 601 00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:06,160 Speaker 2: of these mice stories and she wanted she wanted to 602 00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:10,520 Speaker 2: make children's books about mice, and she wanted to make 603 00:38:10,560 --> 00:38:15,759 Speaker 2: this mice mouse mansion and she did it and she 604 00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:21,319 Speaker 2: found this like level of success and like fame, and 605 00:38:21,719 --> 00:38:25,000 Speaker 2: she's created all this joy for other people, Like at 606 00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:29,440 Speaker 2: an age that like, I don't think society wants you 607 00:38:29,520 --> 00:38:33,480 Speaker 2: to find particularly extraordinary like finding success in our forties 608 00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:36,440 Speaker 2: and fifties like this woman did, like the mouse Mansion 609 00:38:36,600 --> 00:38:41,280 Speaker 2: creator did, is not highlighted as much. But I genuinely 610 00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:45,120 Speaker 2: think that, like it is impressive at any age, and 611 00:38:45,160 --> 00:38:48,839 Speaker 2: it's probably sweeter at that age because you've had all 612 00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:51,960 Speaker 2: this time for self exploration. You've had all this time 613 00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:55,960 Speaker 2: to explore and to make relationships and make memories that 614 00:38:56,080 --> 00:38:58,600 Speaker 2: maybe you wouldn't have gotten if you were visibly successful, 615 00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:02,879 Speaker 2: and that all comes back to you in dividends later on. 616 00:39:03,560 --> 00:39:05,279 Speaker 2: So I think that that's kind of what I want 617 00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:08,239 Speaker 2: to end the episode on. The pressure to be extraordinary 618 00:39:08,280 --> 00:39:11,200 Speaker 2: is immense. All of us have felt in some form 619 00:39:11,320 --> 00:39:13,880 Speaker 2: or another, whether that is when you were at university, 620 00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:16,200 Speaker 2: whether you were at high school and it was to 621 00:39:16,239 --> 00:39:20,400 Speaker 2: perform academically or to find internships, whether it is now 622 00:39:20,560 --> 00:39:25,120 Speaker 2: to be somebody who is considering viral fame, somebody who posts, 623 00:39:25,160 --> 00:39:27,760 Speaker 2: somebody who starts a business, somebody who starts an AI 624 00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:33,480 Speaker 2: tech company. It's like never ending, it's aggressively in our faces. 625 00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:37,839 Speaker 2: It's not all that it's cracked up to be. The 626 00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:42,480 Speaker 2: pressure to be extraordinary actually sucks the joy out of life, 627 00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:47,040 Speaker 2: and I think finding ways to counteract it and to 628 00:39:47,080 --> 00:39:51,480 Speaker 2: be like, actually, my objective is to have fun. My 629 00:39:51,640 --> 00:39:55,040 Speaker 2: objective is to have experiences. My objective is to have 630 00:39:55,239 --> 00:39:59,920 Speaker 2: great relationships. Is probably going to make you happier then. 631 00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:03,160 Speaker 2: And the people we see highlighted as these exceptional people 632 00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:08,360 Speaker 2: who at forty fifty sixty and now having the realizations 633 00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:11,879 Speaker 2: of like, who the frick am I that you were 634 00:40:11,920 --> 00:40:14,840 Speaker 2: able to have at twenty because you didn't have mega 635 00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:18,280 Speaker 2: success and you hadn't found yourself before you even knew yourself. 636 00:40:18,320 --> 00:40:21,120 Speaker 2: So I don't know. That's been what I've been thinking 637 00:40:21,120 --> 00:40:25,160 Speaker 2: about a lot recently, and I think it's a real 638 00:40:25,440 --> 00:40:28,840 Speaker 2: sign that we need to reinvestigate what is successful and 639 00:40:28,880 --> 00:40:31,560 Speaker 2: what is extraordinary in our society, because I think our 640 00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:35,799 Speaker 2: current version of it isn't all that it's cracked up 641 00:40:35,800 --> 00:40:39,040 Speaker 2: to be and doesn't seem to be particularly enjoyable for 642 00:40:39,080 --> 00:40:42,279 Speaker 2: the people who find it. So that's where I'm gonna 643 00:40:42,360 --> 00:40:45,359 Speaker 2: leave the episode. If you have made it this far, 644 00:40:45,520 --> 00:40:50,000 Speaker 2: and if you are listening on Spotify, what is something 645 00:40:50,000 --> 00:40:52,480 Speaker 2: in your life right now that you think you should 646 00:40:52,520 --> 00:40:57,160 Speaker 2: be having more fun doing rather than stressing out as 647 00:40:57,239 --> 00:41:00,960 Speaker 2: much as you probably are about Korea relationship? What is 648 00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:03,200 Speaker 2: something that you think that you and that you want 649 00:41:03,200 --> 00:41:07,960 Speaker 2: to focus on enjoying more than you are performing at. 650 00:41:08,400 --> 00:41:11,959 Speaker 2: Mine is my hobbies. That's an easy one. I feel 651 00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:14,279 Speaker 2: such a like I constantly feel like I need to 652 00:41:14,320 --> 00:41:17,680 Speaker 2: monetize or make public everything that I do because like, 653 00:41:17,760 --> 00:41:20,239 Speaker 2: being in my twenties and living as a twenty something 654 00:41:20,320 --> 00:41:22,920 Speaker 2: is like my my brand, and I'm really trying to 655 00:41:22,960 --> 00:41:25,960 Speaker 2: be better at just enjoying them for me and seeing 656 00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:29,799 Speaker 2: where they flow personally and for me, not where they 657 00:41:29,880 --> 00:41:33,520 Speaker 2: flow like for others and foreign audience. So that's my answer. 658 00:41:33,840 --> 00:41:37,360 Speaker 2: Leave yours below. As always, thank you to our researcher 659 00:41:37,400 --> 00:41:39,640 Speaker 2: Lucy Davidson. She helped us out with this episode. She 660 00:41:39,719 --> 00:41:43,760 Speaker 2: is great. We have full episodes, including this one video 661 00:41:43,800 --> 00:41:48,120 Speaker 2: episodes on Netflix that is correct, probably in your country 662 00:41:48,160 --> 00:41:51,280 Speaker 2: at this point, Australia and New Zealand, the UK, Canada, 663 00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:54,440 Speaker 2: the US. I don't know any of the others. On 664 00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:58,840 Speaker 2: Germany maybe I actually don't know. I think it's in Germany, 665 00:41:58,880 --> 00:42:00,640 Speaker 2: but yeah, go and check it. Yeah, if you're in 666 00:42:00,680 --> 00:42:04,160 Speaker 2: like if actually, if you were in Germany, that's your 667 00:42:04,440 --> 00:42:06,640 Speaker 2: that is actually your objective. Leave a comment because I 668 00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:09,239 Speaker 2: don't have German Netflix, so I don't know if it's there, 669 00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:13,200 Speaker 2: So you can do some research for us, Substack, Instagram. 670 00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:15,320 Speaker 2: All of those things are also in the episode description, 671 00:42:15,440 --> 00:42:18,080 Speaker 2: as well as some of our favorite resources if you 672 00:42:18,120 --> 00:42:20,760 Speaker 2: want to do a bit more investigating on the pressure 673 00:42:20,800 --> 00:42:23,600 Speaker 2: to be extraordinary yourself. But I do just hope you 674 00:42:23,719 --> 00:42:25,680 Speaker 2: enjoyed this episode. I hope it's made you feel better 675 00:42:25,680 --> 00:42:28,800 Speaker 2: about your own path, and until next time, be safe, 676 00:42:28,840 --> 00:42:32,120 Speaker 2: be kind, be gentle to yourself. We will talk very 677 00:42:32,239 --> 00:42:32,680 Speaker 2: very soon.