Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Now, Hey there, it's Michael Costa. The Daily Show's on
Speaker 2: a break this week, but don't worry.
Speaker 3: We handpicked some of our favorite recent moments from the
Speaker 3: show in case you missed them.
Speaker 2: We'll be back with brand new episodes next week. Until then,
Speaker 2: enjoy today's episode.
Speaker 4: We next in the show.
Speaker 5: There's been a lot of sports news recently, so for
Speaker 5: some thoughtful, nuanced debate, we turn to Sports War.
Speaker 2: You're ready for better?
Speaker 6: It's time for brought you by Camp. It's been really
Speaker 6: free money.
Speaker 4: What's up scrubs?
Speaker 2: I'm Ronny Chat and I'm Jordan Klepper.
Speaker 7: This is Sports War, the show where we are legally
Speaker 7: not allowed to agree with each other.
Speaker 4: That's right, I mean that's that's wrong.
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, you're wrong. Let's get right to the biggest
Speaker 2: story of the night.
Speaker 7: Caitlin Clark made her pro debut and learned everything gets
Speaker 7: a little less fun after college.
Speaker 4: Welcome to the WNBA.
Speaker 8: Caitlin Clark, the NCAA's all time Division one scoring leader,
Speaker 8: made her professional debut on the road with the Indiana
Speaker 8: Fever last night. She got off to a slow start, though,
Speaker 8: missing her first four shots before scoring on a layup
Speaker 8: midway through the second quarter. Clark finished with twenty points
Speaker 8: in the Fevers ninety two to seventy one loss to
Speaker 8: the Connecticut Sun. She also committed ten turnovers.
Speaker 4: Sorry feminists, ten turnovers and a team lost by twenty
Speaker 4: points in her first game. I've seen enough, man, I
Speaker 4: think Caitlyn Clock is the worst basketball player in history.
Speaker 4: She's tall, she's white, and she didn't show up when
Speaker 4: it mattered. She's the Jordan Klepper of the WNBA.
Speaker 7: Right, Ran Iron, I'm gonna hit you with my car
Speaker 7: and leave the scene. Let's look at the stats here, Roddie.
Speaker 7: Look at these things. She scored twenty points. That's four
Speaker 7: more than Michael Jordan had in his rookie debut, which
Speaker 7: mathematically makes her stronger, fast, and better equipped to open
Speaker 7: a steakhouse than Michael Jordan.
Speaker 2: All about.
Speaker 4: I have a stat right here for you.
Speaker 2: Okay, look at this.
Speaker 4: Jordan Klepper did it lose his virginity until he's thirty eight?
Speaker 2: Man, you're the go to whatever that is. Okay, here's
Speaker 2: your stat right here each ship.
Speaker 7: Okay, moving on, we are officially seventy two days away
Speaker 7: from the Olympics. In Paris, and the organizers are finding
Speaker 7: themselves in deep duty.
Speaker 5: Literally, there's a huge effort to get the river ten
Speaker 5: fit for use in the Olympic Games. A report from
Speaker 5: earlier this month of the bacteria, including pollution of fecal origin,
Speaker 5: was far higher than the river permitted. Experts say that
Speaker 5: even a rainstorm could raise ecali to an unacceptable level,
Speaker 5: and Olympic organizers still hope that the River Sen can
Speaker 5: be used for the swimming events.
Speaker 2: Ooh, the river Save is filled with E coli. That
Speaker 2: is gross.
Speaker 7: These athletes are going to pick up a disease at
Speaker 7: the Olympics. It should be the old fashioned way acted
Speaker 7: sex in the Olympic village, the only way to do it,
Speaker 7: the only way to do usual.
Speaker 4: Jordan, I think the Olympics needs more E coli okay,
Speaker 4: because if you're a world class athlete, then prove it
Speaker 4: by pole vaulting with active diarrhea.
Speaker 2: Oh you love you love you love eco. I love Ronnie,
Speaker 2: you love it.
Speaker 7: You look the last time I came to your house
Speaker 7: for a barbecue, you were sprinkling E coli on chicken
Speaker 7: kebab like saltpe You know your hospatiality was for The Birds, Roddy,
Speaker 7: the Birds.
Speaker 2: Two Stars. I was puking all night.
Speaker 4: Yeah, well I pew from just looking at your oblom face.
Speaker 2: Oblom face?
Speaker 4: Is that right?
Speaker 2: Is that how you say it?
Speaker 7: The point is just like the fourth of July at
Speaker 7: Rodney's house, The Olympics are going to be rife with
Speaker 7: e coli, which brings us to j Clep's Bet of
Speaker 7: the Week, where you could pick which country will get
Speaker 7: the most E coli in the twenty twenty bar Olympics,
Speaker 7: brought to you by gambling.
Speaker 2: Gambling, start spending. You've already won.
Speaker 4: Nah, don't forget to clean your twenty percent bonusos by
Speaker 4: joing the promo code.
Speaker 2: Clipper sucks all cats. I don't like that. I told
Speaker 2: you I don't like that cut.
Speaker 4: It's not you, it's a different clinic.
Speaker 2: Okay, that's fine, then that's how No, just kidding? Is you?
Speaker 2: Because you saw you? Okay? I suck you blow? Who cares?
Speaker 2: We're all dead inside? Get over it. Let's talk about sports,
Speaker 2: all right.
Speaker 4: Speaking of sports, a player on the Kansas City Chiefs
Speaker 4: is in hot water after making the biggest mistake any
Speaker 4: football player could make talking.
Speaker 7: Some Chiefs fans are feeling stunned this morning by the
Speaker 7: comments made by Kicker, Harris, and Bucker during the commencement
Speaker 7: speech at Benedictine and Adjison.
Speaker 1: Butcker claimed that a woman's most important role is that
Speaker 1: of a homemaker and demanded that men be more masculine.
Speaker 3: Be unapologetic in your masculinity, fighting against the cultural emasculation
Speaker 3: of men.
Speaker 4: Hey, I say we should listen to this kicker. Okay, yeah,
Speaker 4: they're the football players with the least amount of brain damage,
Speaker 4: and I'm glad he's speaking up for emasculated men like Jordan.
Speaker 4: Congratulations Jordan, for the first time in your life, someone
Speaker 4: on a football team is speaking to you. You don't
Speaker 4: have to wear that fake vosity jacket anymore, you Ronnie, I.
Speaker 2: Told you that in confidence, moving to a new cool
Speaker 2: is difficult. It was a natural way to make friends.
Speaker 7: Anyway, This kicker thing, this kicker thing, raises a larger problem.
Speaker 7: Why do we have people kicking in American sports? Americans
Speaker 7: handle balls with our hands like Ronnie's mom.
Speaker 2: You know she does strong, Jordan.
Speaker 4: You know my entire family has a foot fetish, true,
Speaker 4: which brings us to all bet everything wage of the evening,
Speaker 4: which useless position player will be the next to wade
Speaker 4: into the culture war as always brought to you by gambling. Gambling,
Speaker 4: it will fix everything.
Speaker 7: Oh, speaking of gambling, let's move on to our final story.
Speaker 9: Prosecutors in Los Angeles, a Showy Otani's former interpreter has
Speaker 9: agreed to plead guilty to stealing almost seventeen million dollars
Speaker 9: from the La Dodger Superstar. The US Attorney's office say
Speaker 9: Epe Masuara used the money to pay off gambling debts
Speaker 9: and other personal expenses without Otani's knowledge.
Speaker 4: This interpreter stole seventeen million dollars on more time.
Speaker 2: That settles it.
Speaker 4: Interpreters should be outlawed. Okay, if you don't know the language,
Speaker 4: you should just have to.
Speaker 7: Guess hard disagree, hard, disagree, Roddy.
Speaker 2: The problem is in interpreters. It's languages. We should only
Speaker 2: have one. I suggest English.
Speaker 4: Oh, big surprise, of course, this is just English. That's
Speaker 4: only language your tiny brain can handle. The biggest head,
Speaker 4: the smallest.
Speaker 2: Brain, or English.
Speaker 7: English is going to be the dominant global language for
Speaker 7: at least five more years. Look, I'm speaking the major
Speaker 7: league language here. Why would I go back to Triple
Speaker 7: A and learn Finnish Finish.
Speaker 4: That'sn't even a real language, you dumbasted.
Speaker 7: It is what they speak Againada, Roddie, read a book,
Speaker 7: all right, but do it on your own time, because
Speaker 7: we are onto the big bet of the nights.
Speaker 2: Is this o.
Speaker 7: Tani story yet another sign that America's normalization of gambling.
Speaker 7: It's corroding society, brought to you by gambling. Remember gambling
Speaker 7: bet now live forever. Well, we're out of time. Joined
Speaker 7: us next time on Sports War, we'll be debating Michael
Speaker 7: Jordan versus Caitlin Clark who's more likely to contract E coli.
Speaker 4: And not America Gamblack.
Speaker 2: W back in the Daily Show.
Speaker 7: When a news story falls for the Cracks, Lewis Black
Speaker 7: catches it for a segment we call back in Black.
Speaker 1: Cars used to be a way to let people know
Speaker 1: you were cool, or, in the case of your friend's dad,
Speaker 1: to let people know you were having a midlife crisis.
Speaker 1: And in recent years, one of the coolest cars you
Speaker 1: could buy was the Tesla. Not only was it a
Speaker 1: status symbol.
Speaker 2: But it was electric.
Speaker 1: It was like a compost bin that you could drink
Speaker 1: and drive in. For a while, Tesla's stock price was skyrocketing,
Speaker 1: but now it's sliding down like half of Mitch McConnell's face.
Speaker 3: Are in and Tesla has fallen short of expectations. Elon
Speaker 3: Musk's electric vehicle company releasing its first quarter earnings, showing
Speaker 3: its biggest revenue drop in over a decade in the
Speaker 3: first three months of the year, Carsel's dropping eight and
Speaker 3: a half percent, adding to a plummeting stock price that
Speaker 3: so far this year has gone down over forty percent.
Speaker 1: Holy shit, down forty percent. The only thing worthless than
Speaker 1: Tesla stock is a fully grown adult at p Didty's house.
Speaker 4: Stop it.
Speaker 2: That's the least of the problems.
Speaker 1: But don't worry, Tesla owner Elon Musk is a perfectly reasonable,
Speaker 1: dumbest explanation for this.
Speaker 2: We should be thought of as an AI robotics company.
Speaker 9: If your value tells as just like an order company,
Speaker 9: you just have to fundamentally the framework.
Speaker 1: Sorry, Elon, my mistake. All this time, I thought your
Speaker 1: company that sold cars was a car company.
Speaker 2: God, one of us must be.
Speaker 4: A real idiot.
Speaker 1: So Tesla's clearly in the shitter, and the thing that
Speaker 1: was supposed to save it was the cyber truck, a
Speaker 1: vehicle that looks like what happens when you inbreed Deloreans.
Speaker 1: But unfortunately the truck appears to be cyber.
Speaker 10: Tesla, recalling its entire fleet of cyber trucks nearly four
Speaker 10: thousand and all, the company says the accelerator pedal could
Speaker 10: get stuck, causing to pick up to unintentionally speed up,
Speaker 10: risking a craft.
Speaker 1: Well remember, it's not a car crash, it's an AI crash.
Speaker 1: Open your mind, man, Seriously. Though you recalled all of them,
Speaker 1: none were okay. Even with the ball old winds. They
Speaker 1: made one good one. I'm not gonna say which one.
Speaker 1: I don't want to get shot.
Speaker 2: And this is just the.
Speaker 1: And this is just the latest problem with robocops wagon,
Speaker 1: because that thing's been shit in the bed since day one.
Speaker 2: We've gotten a lot of tails of malfunction.
Speaker 5: So, for example, vehicles dying after traveling just one mile.
Speaker 9: The steamless steel vehicles are quickly showing signs of rust.
Speaker 9: One guy sharing how the drive through car wash was
Speaker 9: two marks for the Tesla cyber truck.
Speaker 4: He does know what happened, but says the owner's manual
Speaker 4: does say you should never wash your car in sunlight.
Speaker 10: A Tesla cyber truck had to be rescued by a
Speaker 10: Ford pickup after the tesla got stuck in the mud
Speaker 10: and snow on a road in the Sierra south of
Speaker 10: Lake Tahoe.
Speaker 1: Oh fancy, cyber truck had to get rescued by the
Speaker 1: big tough Ford. You are the laughing stock of all
Speaker 1: the other trucks. That Ford pickup's probably banging your wife
Speaker 1: right now, you cybercuck. Plus, what use is a truck
Speaker 1: if it can't all throw That's like.
Speaker 2: A sex doll with no holes.
Speaker 1: Now, I just seem weird having it on my couch.
Speaker 1: And this car is just failing its owners. It's trying
Speaker 1: to eat them.
Speaker 5: Cybertruck users are reporting injuries from the automatic trunk.
Speaker 4: Everybody's been waiting for this, the finger without further ado,
Speaker 4: we're closing the cyber truck. I'm gonna put my finger
Speaker 4: flat right here and see what happens.
Speaker 8: Ready, re ready?
Speaker 9: Oh okay, Oh my god, okay.
Speaker 2: I can't even move my finger right now. I might
Speaker 2: have actually broken it.
Speaker 1: Good good, because I'm team cybertruck on this one.
Speaker 2: You morons had it coming.
Speaker 1: Do us all a favor, save us from another generation
Speaker 1: of cyber truck drivers. Stick your balls in there too.
Speaker 2: Luckily I still have all.
Speaker 1: My fingers so I can deliver this message to Elon
Speaker 1: on behalf of Best the Stop Album. Unlike unlike AI,
Speaker 1: this is pretty straightforward, So is this one.
Speaker 2: Jordan blods Black Everybody.
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