1 00:00:01,360 --> 00:00:04,200 Speaker 1: This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for 2 00:00:04,280 --> 00:00:08,560 Speaker 1: all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like domestic 3 00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:15,560 Speaker 1: violence and suicidal thoughts. Listener discretion is advised. Episode one, 4 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:24,480 Speaker 1: Love Hurts. My name is Emmy. For as long as 5 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:28,880 Speaker 1: I can remember, I've been looking for love. I grew 6 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:31,440 Speaker 1: up in San Diego, where it's always warm and sunny. 7 00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:35,400 Speaker 1: My street was filled with palm trees and kids running 8 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:42,479 Speaker 1: around everywhere. San Diego is called America's finest city. I'm 9 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:46,120 Speaker 1: growing up there. I dreamed of a future filled with romance, 10 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:55,080 Speaker 1: filled with peace and happiness, America's finest future. Since I 11 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:58,760 Speaker 1: was a kid, I wanted to be the perfect housewife. 12 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:04,200 Speaker 1: But that wasn't gonna be easy because to the world, 13 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:08,440 Speaker 1: I was a little boy. I couldn't dance the way 14 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:12,280 Speaker 1: I wanted or moved the way I wanted. I didn't 15 00:01:12,319 --> 00:01:17,120 Speaker 1: feel like me. I wanted stability, but what I had 16 00:01:17,319 --> 00:01:24,800 Speaker 1: was violence, drug use, and chaos. My San Diego wasn't 17 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:30,280 Speaker 1: always a sunny place. It was painful, so I tried 18 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:34,080 Speaker 1: to escape. I tried to pretend like I lived in 19 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:40,240 Speaker 1: a totally different place. In movies and TV shows, I 20 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:43,320 Speaker 1: pretended for so much of my life just trying to 21 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:49,720 Speaker 1: fit in. But pretending got really hard. I started drinking 22 00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:55,600 Speaker 1: and I was reckless. To be honest, Pretending even made 23 00:01:55,600 --> 00:02:06,880 Speaker 1: me feel like my life wasn't worth living. Yeah, but 24 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:11,799 Speaker 1: fourteen years ago I got sober, I started my transition. 25 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:18,840 Speaker 1: Life as a sober woman was completely new. In so 26 00:02:18,919 --> 00:02:22,160 Speaker 1: many ways, it was the most authentic I've ever felt. 27 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,600 Speaker 1: But in other ways, I felt like lots of us 28 00:02:25,639 --> 00:02:35,040 Speaker 1: do in new situations, like I was faking it. And 29 00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:37,480 Speaker 1: when I finally started dating the men that I dreamed 30 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:40,400 Speaker 1: of all my life, I tried to act the parts 31 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:44,040 Speaker 1: I'd seen on screen, play the characters I thought they 32 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:47,640 Speaker 1: wanted me to be. But was any of that really me? 33 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:52,920 Speaker 1: After so long, it's hard to separate out who I 34 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:58,120 Speaker 1: am from who I let myself become. So if I'm 35 00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:00,800 Speaker 1: ever going to find love, I have to go back. 36 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:04,960 Speaker 1: I have to understand who did I pretend to be 37 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:09,680 Speaker 1: and why what did each version of me settle for. 38 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:14,919 Speaker 1: Maybe then I can figure out who I really am 39 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:19,120 Speaker 1: and what I deserve, and maybe this experience will mean 40 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:29,000 Speaker 1: something to you too. I'm Emmy and this is Crumbs, 41 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:33,200 Speaker 1: my love story. It's a show about the things we 42 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:36,520 Speaker 1: settle for and the bits of ourselves that make us 43 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:51,240 Speaker 1: who we are. Mm hmm Emmy hard working Latina seeks cool, 44 00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:56,119 Speaker 1: down to earth guy, sober and fun looking for romance, 45 00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:03,960 Speaker 1: love language, passion. The first person I dated after I 46 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:12,480 Speaker 1: transitioned was Jason. It was two thousand ten. At this 47 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:15,800 Speaker 1: point in my life, I'm living full time as a woman. 48 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,800 Speaker 1: It's kind of like the lights went on right I 49 00:04:18,839 --> 00:04:24,440 Speaker 1: started seeing in color, and I'm navigating womanhood and I'm 50 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:32,080 Speaker 1: experimenting what it's like to date different men. So I'm 51 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:37,000 Speaker 1: dating casually here and there. Nothing serious, lots of hook 52 00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:42,520 Speaker 1: ups and it was fun. I only had about almost 53 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:46,160 Speaker 1: two years of sobriety. I was going to a lot 54 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:49,719 Speaker 1: of twelve Step meetings, so a relationship wasn't something that 55 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:52,640 Speaker 1: I was really looking for at the time. And then 56 00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:55,360 Speaker 1: I walked into this meeting at the Stream and Center 57 00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:59,120 Speaker 1: that I would attend regularly, and that's when I saw 58 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:07,680 Speaker 1: Jason for the first time. He was very handsome. He 59 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:12,520 Speaker 1: was about six ft, very nice chisel jaw, kind of 60 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:17,600 Speaker 1: a wide nose, very full lips, hazel eyes, and he 61 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:22,440 Speaker 1: had this curly long hair. I felt him staring at 62 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:26,800 Speaker 1: me and just checking me out. It was like, Okay, 63 00:05:26,839 --> 00:05:29,720 Speaker 1: this guy's into me. I could tell who is he. 64 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:41,520 Speaker 1: So after the meeting, we're cleaning up the room. You 65 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:46,560 Speaker 1: start folding chairs and helping out around the meeting, and 66 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:49,480 Speaker 1: one of my friends came up to me with Jason 67 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:53,960 Speaker 1: and I learned then that Jason was a new resident 68 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:58,200 Speaker 1: at the treatment center. My thought, well, fuck, that's just 69 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:05,120 Speaker 1: great a newcomer in the program. Dating a newcomer is 70 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:08,040 Speaker 1: frowned upon in the twelts the program in a parameter recovery. 71 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:13,320 Speaker 1: It's called thirteen stepping. And I see the significance of 72 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:17,919 Speaker 1: it because when you're a newcomer in the program of recovery, 73 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:23,800 Speaker 1: you don't need any distractions, romantic distractions, right, because if 74 00:06:23,839 --> 00:06:27,440 Speaker 1: anything were to go wrong and you don't have the 75 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:32,520 Speaker 1: tools necessary to deal with a breakup or disappointment or 76 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:36,480 Speaker 1: something bad, you're gonna go out and use or drink. 77 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:39,240 Speaker 1: And I thought, well, do I really want to get 78 00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:42,960 Speaker 1: involved with the newcomer. I love the attention he was 79 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:47,479 Speaker 1: giving me. He told me I was beautiful, and that 80 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:51,080 Speaker 1: made me feel good. And then Jason asked if you 81 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:57,599 Speaker 1: could have my phone number. I didn't think he was 82 00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:01,960 Speaker 1: going to call, And then he called that very night. 83 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:06,520 Speaker 1: As soon as I got home, he called me from 84 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:11,520 Speaker 1: a pay phone at the dreatment center. He wasn't allowed 85 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:15,040 Speaker 1: to go out of the treatment center unless it was 86 00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,880 Speaker 1: on the past to see his mother, or to go 87 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,760 Speaker 1: to a doctor's appointment, or to look for a job, 88 00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:28,480 Speaker 1: so we didn't have the ideal first date situation. Our 89 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:32,160 Speaker 1: dates were made up of going to a meeting together 90 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,880 Speaker 1: and I'd maybe get to talk to him for a 91 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,840 Speaker 1: few minutes before he had to leave to his dream 92 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:44,560 Speaker 1: and center. Then as he phased up into having more freedom, 93 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:46,400 Speaker 1: I'd be the one to give him rights to his 94 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:51,280 Speaker 1: doctor's appointments or therapy sessions. Or he'd say he was 95 00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:53,240 Speaker 1: going to go out and pass with his mom, but 96 00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:55,640 Speaker 1: he'd actually come hang out with me and we'd have 97 00:07:55,680 --> 00:08:01,760 Speaker 1: dinner at home. Jason had already been with trans women 98 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:06,440 Speaker 1: in the past, but he had never really dated one seriously. 99 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:10,360 Speaker 1: He said he was open to it, and we jumped 100 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:14,040 Speaker 1: into it pretty fast. He started calling his girlfriend. That 101 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:18,800 Speaker 1: was very fast. Shortly after he met me. We'd go 102 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:20,880 Speaker 1: to meetings together, and he did introduced me to his 103 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:24,400 Speaker 1: friends as his girlfriend, which felt very nice. He was 104 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:27,600 Speaker 1: good looking, I was good looking. You know back then 105 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:30,880 Speaker 1: Brad and Angelina were like hottest thing, so they called 106 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:35,120 Speaker 1: us like the brand Jelina Twelp step recovery. I swore 107 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:41,679 Speaker 1: that's what they called us. So being someone's girlfriend was 108 00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:45,280 Speaker 1: so important to me at that time when we were 109 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:49,160 Speaker 1: in a relationship, because I hadn't really had a serious 110 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:57,760 Speaker 1: relationship free transition. Even though he demonstrated confidence, he was 111 00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:02,040 Speaker 1: very insecure, and so with that insecurity came a lot 112 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:08,000 Speaker 1: of jealousy. There were times when I couldn't be at 113 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,520 Speaker 1: the treatment center, that I wanted to be with my 114 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,200 Speaker 1: friends so that I wanted to do other things, and 115 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:15,080 Speaker 1: he'd be blowing up my phone, just calling where are you, 116 00:09:15,679 --> 00:09:19,840 Speaker 1: Why aren't you answering why aren't you here? So he 117 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,240 Speaker 1: begged and he pleaded that I did I give him 118 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:24,400 Speaker 1: that security that I was with him and that I 119 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:30,200 Speaker 1: wasn't cheating on him. I didn't like anybody controlling me 120 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,679 Speaker 1: or telling me what to do, so I'd hang up 121 00:09:32,679 --> 00:09:34,800 Speaker 1: on him and I'd break up with him. Every other day. 122 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:39,240 Speaker 1: I would say things like it's over, and then fifteen 123 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:41,800 Speaker 1: minutes later he'd be knocking on my door, banging on 124 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:45,559 Speaker 1: my windows, like open the door. It's not over we're together, 125 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:49,280 Speaker 1: and so I could see the jealousy and I'm like, 126 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:59,360 Speaker 1: this guy really loves me. I provoked the drama because 127 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:02,640 Speaker 1: then he would have I'm running and ask for forgiveness 128 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:04,720 Speaker 1: and say I will do whatever you want me to 129 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:07,240 Speaker 1: do to be in this relationship because I love you. 130 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:11,520 Speaker 1: And that's what I thought was real love, right is 131 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:14,520 Speaker 1: somebody fought hard to be with me, they must love me. 132 00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:23,640 Speaker 1: When I went to college, he would visit me every weekend, 133 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:30,040 Speaker 1: and one day we were at the Denny's on campus. 134 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:33,120 Speaker 1: We ordered dinner, we were going to go home and 135 00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:37,520 Speaker 1: watch a movie. We were walking back and one of 136 00:10:37,559 --> 00:10:41,480 Speaker 1: my classmates was coming and he said, hey, how's it 137 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:47,760 Speaker 1: going and smiled. Well, that pissed Jason off, and right 138 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:51,800 Speaker 1: away he's like, are you fucking him? Like, no, he's 139 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:55,160 Speaker 1: a classmate. Where do you get this from? Well, he 140 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:59,560 Speaker 1: was very smiling and chatty with you. Jason, that's normal, 141 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:04,240 Speaker 1: we're in a class together. You're nothing but a fucking horror. 142 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:06,680 Speaker 1: And he grabbed the cheeseburger that he had in his 143 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:11,960 Speaker 1: hand and slapped it on my face and that cheeseburger 144 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:15,160 Speaker 1: just went flying, and I felt humiliated that he was 145 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:18,240 Speaker 1: doing this in front of so many people outside of 146 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:23,240 Speaker 1: the Dennis. We rushed to the apartment where I was living, 147 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:28,280 Speaker 1: and I remember thinking, Wow, he wanted all of my 148 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:41,480 Speaker 1: attention only for him. Oh. I would see these red 149 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:46,240 Speaker 1: flags and I'd paint them green because finally I had 150 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:49,280 Speaker 1: somebody who wanted me for who I was, who accepted me. 151 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:54,000 Speaker 1: The fact that he needed me in his life to 152 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:57,320 Speaker 1: be okay and that he called me his girlfriend in 153 00:11:57,360 --> 00:12:00,720 Speaker 1: front of everyone made it seem like we were doing 154 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:05,640 Speaker 1: okay because I had this warped perception of what a 155 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:23,280 Speaker 1: healthy relationship is supposed to look like as a seven 156 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,679 Speaker 1: year old kid, I was always very grown up for 157 00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:30,720 Speaker 1: my age. I don't really remember having a normal childhood 158 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,360 Speaker 1: where I would go play and have friends over like. 159 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:37,960 Speaker 1: I don't remember that being my childhood. My childhood really 160 00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:43,000 Speaker 1: consisted of the hustle and bustle of having a heroonetic 161 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:54,840 Speaker 1: mom and doing her hustles with her. Oh so, my 162 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:58,040 Speaker 1: relationship with my mom was a little different than a 163 00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:02,240 Speaker 1: typical relationship. Since she was only fourteen years older than me. 164 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:06,560 Speaker 1: I always saw her like a big sister. Right, she 165 00:13:06,679 --> 00:13:09,079 Speaker 1: had already been into the heroine, and she had been 166 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:12,560 Speaker 1: in and out of jails. I never knew what we 167 00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:14,920 Speaker 1: were going to get into or what was going to happen. 168 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:18,240 Speaker 1: Sometimes we'd be shoplifting at stores and I wouldn't know 169 00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:21,280 Speaker 1: if she was going to come out or not. I 170 00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:23,680 Speaker 1: was always scared that my mom was going to get arrested, 171 00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:27,160 Speaker 1: get beat up by cops, or that I was gonna 172 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:31,520 Speaker 1: be taken away from her. I think my entire childhood 173 00:13:31,559 --> 00:13:38,199 Speaker 1: I felt unsafe. But a big portion of my life, 174 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:46,800 Speaker 1: my childhood life was lived at El Boyo. El Boyo 175 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,520 Speaker 1: wasn't sunny see at all. It's right on the U. 176 00:13:49,559 --> 00:13:53,839 Speaker 1: S side of the border between Tijuana and California. It's 177 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:57,160 Speaker 1: a town of only like thirty thou people, but it's 178 00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,640 Speaker 1: one of the busiest ports of entry in the world. 179 00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:04,200 Speaker 1: And right on the edge of the town was Al Boyo. 180 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:09,960 Speaker 1: It was a shady ass restaurant and it was full 181 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:15,560 Speaker 1: of drug addicts, drug lords, you name it. You could 182 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,480 Speaker 1: go there to get a job, eat some roasted chicken, 183 00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:23,320 Speaker 1: get a coke, get some heroin. It was the one 184 00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:29,720 Speaker 1: stop shop for drug addicts. My mom would go do 185 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:33,720 Speaker 1: her drug deals there. She'd go sell anything that she shoplifted. 186 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:38,000 Speaker 1: She'd go look for work, a little side hustle, and 187 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:44,080 Speaker 1: she'd bring me. I was her little companion. My memory 188 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:47,680 Speaker 1: is a little fuzzy, but I do remember driving to 189 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:57,120 Speaker 1: a boy We'd get out of the car, walk in 190 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:02,240 Speaker 1: and it's just like any fast restaurant, right There's booths, 191 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:06,840 Speaker 1: people coming in and out, Mexican music playing, lots of 192 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:13,400 Speaker 1: conversations happening, somebody nodding off in the corner. We'd walk 193 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,400 Speaker 1: up to the counter. My mom would get me something 194 00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:18,200 Speaker 1: to eat. She said, Okay, go sit down, and then 195 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,840 Speaker 1: shed go talk to her friends or her connects, whatever 196 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:27,440 Speaker 1: it was she was yelling. That day, my mother met 197 00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:33,320 Speaker 1: Ico at It Boo. I remember him being just a tall, 198 00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:37,920 Speaker 1: tough looking kind of thug. I'd be sitting in the 199 00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:41,480 Speaker 1: booth at Boyo, just playing with whatever toys I had, 200 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:46,600 Speaker 1: or eating chicken, just distracting myself or even observing people. 201 00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:51,320 Speaker 1: So when my mother would go to the bathroom with 202 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:56,240 Speaker 1: Geogle to do drugs, I was a little was frightened 203 00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:01,040 Speaker 1: of what was going to happen. He Go had this 204 00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:06,360 Speaker 1: reputation of being really tough street fighter. He was one 205 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:09,920 Speaker 1: of the best fighters of sen at the time, so 206 00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:14,520 Speaker 1: everyone was kind of scared of him. At first, I thought, well, 207 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:17,880 Speaker 1: this is just another one of my mom's boyfriends. I 208 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:20,720 Speaker 1: didn't know he was gonna be around for a while. 209 00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:27,680 Speaker 1: He going. My mom had my sister shortly after they met, 210 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,600 Speaker 1: and that's probably one of the reasons that they stayed together. 211 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,720 Speaker 1: So there was this time we were living with Ara 212 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:44,440 Speaker 1: and I was hanging out with the kids in the 213 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:48,240 Speaker 1: block who were writing these little gold cards called avalanchas, 214 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:52,920 Speaker 1: and you know, I would always get picked on. I 215 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:56,160 Speaker 1: would get picked on for being overweight, for being feminine. 216 00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:59,280 Speaker 1: I think I was about eight or nine years old. 217 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,760 Speaker 1: One of the older kids, he was probably around fourteen. 218 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:09,480 Speaker 1: He destroyed my avalanche on my little gold cart. He 219 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:13,320 Speaker 1: just destroyed it. I was so sad and I went 220 00:17:13,359 --> 00:17:18,560 Speaker 1: home crying, and Ko was furious. He didn't like anybody 221 00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:21,000 Speaker 1: picking on me, so he stormed out of the house. 222 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:23,960 Speaker 1: He went towards the kid, picked them up by his 223 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:31,160 Speaker 1: shirt and said, don't you ever and scare the living 224 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:35,840 Speaker 1: hell out of him. Well, yes, Ko came up to 225 00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:38,800 Speaker 1: my defense, But not only did he come up to 226 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:43,680 Speaker 1: my defense, he also went out bought wood and built 227 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:47,320 Speaker 1: me the best go cart anyone in that neighborhood had. 228 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:58,919 Speaker 1: I didn't ever get picked on after that, So I 229 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:04,040 Speaker 1: remember then fighting a lot, and that's when I noticed 230 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:09,560 Speaker 1: the abuse and the abusive behaviors from Gigo towards my mom. 231 00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:14,000 Speaker 1: Gigo doesn't really have people's skills. His actions this way 232 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:19,679 Speaker 1: of communicating our through violence, and that's exactly what happened 233 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:24,880 Speaker 1: when theever they would have a disagreement, he hit my mother. 234 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,960 Speaker 1: Even though she had black eyes and she was beat up, 235 00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:36,040 Speaker 1: my mother would act like everything was okay. They get 236 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:43,679 Speaker 1: over pretty quickly and act like nothing ever happened. I 237 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:47,680 Speaker 1: remember coming home from school one day we were living 238 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:51,000 Speaker 1: in Mexico at the time, and walking into the door 239 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:56,760 Speaker 1: and everything was so quiet. It seemed like nobody was home. 240 00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:04,359 Speaker 1: But the entire house was upside down. There were things 241 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,800 Speaker 1: thrown everywhere. There was like I remember it was right 242 00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:10,280 Speaker 1: before Thanksgiving, and there was like a frozen turkey in 243 00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:14,639 Speaker 1: the middle of the hallway. There was clothing everywhere. It 244 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:16,879 Speaker 1: was a mess. It looked like a hurricane had come 245 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:21,760 Speaker 1: through the house. And I remember walking into my mom's 246 00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:26,680 Speaker 1: room and she was laying there and I could see 247 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:30,840 Speaker 1: the marks on her face and she was pregnant at 248 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:36,119 Speaker 1: the time. And very shortly after that, beating she miscarried. 249 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:44,480 Speaker 1: I don't remember her ever talking to me about it. 250 00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:50,520 Speaker 1: This is when I would escape into TV and just 251 00:19:51,440 --> 00:20:00,440 Speaker 1: try to block it out of my mind. I would 252 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,600 Speaker 1: really get lost into Brady Bunch or leave it to 253 00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:06,000 Speaker 1: Beaver and Just. I think, just watching these TV shows 254 00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:09,760 Speaker 1: with the perfect families that have sit down dinners together, 255 00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:12,560 Speaker 1: they go on vacations together, they asked each other how 256 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:16,560 Speaker 1: their day was in school. Mom's actually caring for their kids, 257 00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:20,800 Speaker 1: and I thought that that was what I wanted, right, 258 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,520 Speaker 1: That's what I wanted to be when I grew up, 259 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:29,080 Speaker 1: very different than like my mom and Igor. It was 260 00:20:29,119 --> 00:20:33,320 Speaker 1: totally aspirational. I didn't see the path to getting this 261 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:37,320 Speaker 1: TV family. All I knew was the chaos and violence path. 262 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,600 Speaker 1: It seemed like in real life that was the price 263 00:20:41,640 --> 00:21:02,240 Speaker 1: of having someone love you. Yeah. Prior to Jason, I 264 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:07,280 Speaker 1: had been having casual sex with people and we were 265 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:11,040 Speaker 1: having breakfast one day and I got a text message 266 00:21:11,119 --> 00:21:15,920 Speaker 1: from a random number and it's someone that I had 267 00:21:16,119 --> 00:21:22,520 Speaker 1: known from before dating Jason, and it was just a 268 00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:27,760 Speaker 1: dick pick surprise, Hello, big old dick, just on my screen, 269 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:35,000 Speaker 1: and Jason flipped the funk out rightfully, so he grabbed 270 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:38,560 Speaker 1: my phone, and he threw it on the ground, smashed 271 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:42,439 Speaker 1: it and went from zero to one and a split 272 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:46,960 Speaker 1: of a second, and you know, we struggled a little bit. 273 00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:50,720 Speaker 1: He pushed me around, and that was the first time 274 00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:55,560 Speaker 1: that Jason put his hands on me. I locked myself 275 00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:58,760 Speaker 1: in the bathroom and I had marks on my face, 276 00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:02,720 Speaker 1: on my neck o. He said, you're going to be 277 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,119 Speaker 1: by yourself until you learn how to be a faithful woman. 278 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,240 Speaker 1: And he blocked the doorway so I couldn't get out, 279 00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:15,159 Speaker 1: and I just remember feeling so powerless over that. I 280 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:20,159 Speaker 1: was tired of crying. I was physically exhausted, and I thought, well, 281 00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:25,359 Speaker 1: maybe I should jump out the window. I just cried 282 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:29,240 Speaker 1: myself to sleep, and then I tried to pretend like 283 00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:46,119 Speaker 1: nothing ever happened. That's when our problems really started. I 284 00:22:46,119 --> 00:22:49,680 Speaker 1: had a trip planned. It was a vacation that Jason 285 00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:52,400 Speaker 1: didn't want me to go on, but I went anyway. 286 00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:59,040 Speaker 1: One of my cousins got married in Naples and Jason 287 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:01,959 Speaker 1: couldn't come. I couldn't leave the country being on parole, 288 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:07,800 Speaker 1: and I remember the flight being eighteen hours long. We 289 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:10,280 Speaker 1: landed in Rome, and when I got there, Jason was 290 00:23:10,359 --> 00:23:15,639 Speaker 1: nowhere to be found Jason had disappeared for three days. 291 00:23:16,119 --> 00:23:17,880 Speaker 1: I would call his mother and she didn't know where 292 00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:23,320 Speaker 1: he was. And eventually I got ahold of him and 293 00:23:23,359 --> 00:23:25,040 Speaker 1: he's like, oh, I was at the casino. I'm like 294 00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:29,680 Speaker 1: for three days, Like, who does that? Obviously somebody on drugs. 295 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:38,600 Speaker 1: So he was using drugs, God knows what else he 296 00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:42,320 Speaker 1: was doing. And he would get really possessive, like what 297 00:23:42,359 --> 00:23:45,200 Speaker 1: are you doing? Who are you hanging out with? Are 298 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:49,000 Speaker 1: you fucking anyone? Like, jeez, I'm on vacation with my family, 299 00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:54,200 Speaker 1: none of that stuff is happening. Calmed down the night 300 00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:57,520 Speaker 1: before the wedding, he's like, I don't believe that you're 301 00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:59,960 Speaker 1: in a hotel room by yourself and you're not fucking anyone. 302 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:03,760 Speaker 1: And Mike Jason, I'm not fucking anyone. I'm on vacation 303 00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:07,679 Speaker 1: with my family. It's like, we'll turn your skype on. 304 00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:15,040 Speaker 1: Because there was a time difference. I had to be 305 00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:18,199 Speaker 1: sleeping while he was awake, and so he wanted to 306 00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:21,359 Speaker 1: watch me sleep just to make sure that I was 307 00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:26,399 Speaker 1: asleep alone. If that was what it was going to 308 00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:28,760 Speaker 1: take for him to just be calm and at peace, 309 00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:33,480 Speaker 1: I was willing to do it. So I slept with 310 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:46,120 Speaker 1: my skype on. It was in Italy that I realized 311 00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:49,399 Speaker 1: that I couldn't go on like this. I was on 312 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:52,720 Speaker 1: this hamster wheel where I was hoping that this relationship 313 00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:58,640 Speaker 1: would work, but the price I was paying was too high. 314 00:24:59,119 --> 00:25:03,120 Speaker 1: And I remember her coming home from Italy. I spent 315 00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:06,400 Speaker 1: the night at his house, and the very next morning 316 00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,919 Speaker 1: I woke up and I just looked at him, and 317 00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:14,919 Speaker 1: I felt such disgust just by looking at him. I 318 00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:20,719 Speaker 1: didn't want to be my mother all over again. I 319 00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:23,440 Speaker 1: looked him and I said, Jason, I can't do this anymore. 320 00:25:24,359 --> 00:25:31,119 Speaker 1: I'm not in love with you. He flipped out. He 321 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:33,560 Speaker 1: looked at me and he said, got the funk out 322 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:38,399 Speaker 1: of my house, and I did. And when I met 323 00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:40,800 Speaker 1: up with him again to get the last of my things, 324 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:44,080 Speaker 1: he looked at me and he said, you're just a 325 00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:47,680 Speaker 1: fat tranny who's never going to find anyone to love her, 326 00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:52,440 Speaker 1: and I hope you die of aides and he sped off, 327 00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:00,639 Speaker 1: and you were he was, I mean from he was 328 00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:05,119 Speaker 1: coming from a place of rejection, of hurt. It was 329 00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:09,280 Speaker 1: still hurtful to hear it. I'm never going to find 330 00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:14,200 Speaker 1: anybody who loved me. He wanted me to feel alone. 331 00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:18,520 Speaker 1: There was a part of me that was relieved after that, 332 00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:22,560 Speaker 1: but there was also that fear that what he said 333 00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:26,760 Speaker 1: was true, fear of never finding anyone to love me. 334 00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:31,800 Speaker 1: He meant so much to me, being my first relationship 335 00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:43,119 Speaker 1: as emmy. I wanted the relationship to work out because 336 00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:44,800 Speaker 1: I didn't think I was going to come across a 337 00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:48,480 Speaker 1: lot of men we're going to accept me and want 338 00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:53,520 Speaker 1: to date a trans woman and take them seriously. So 339 00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:55,680 Speaker 1: I felt that this was the only version of love 340 00:26:55,720 --> 00:27:01,040 Speaker 1: that I was eligible to receive. I was settling for 341 00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:05,640 Speaker 1: this crumb of love, this crumb of attention that came 342 00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:12,240 Speaker 1: in the form of jealousy. Somewhere deep down, I knew 343 00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:14,040 Speaker 1: there was more that I could get out of life, 344 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:17,320 Speaker 1: but I never felt like I could ask for it. 345 00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:21,359 Speaker 1: I never felt like I could actually get things that 346 00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:26,080 Speaker 1: I wanted, and I thought that if I asked for more, 347 00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:30,320 Speaker 1: I might end up with nothing. But in the end, 348 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:36,399 Speaker 1: what good is a crumb? So on the next episode, 349 00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:41,199 Speaker 1: I do ask for a little more, but will that 350 00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:58,479 Speaker 1: be enough? Crumbs is a production of My Heart Radios, 351 00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:02,520 Speaker 1: Michael lu Podcast Network, and Solo in association with Trojan Horse. 352 00:28:03,359 --> 00:28:08,120 Speaker 1: It's produced by Margaret Catcher and and edited by Jazzmind, 353 00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:12,520 Speaker 1: Rometto and Alex Gumetro. Original music by Daniel Peter Schmidt 354 00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:19,120 Speaker 1: and engineering by Manuel Executive produced by Gisevances and Conno 355 00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:24,400 Speaker 1: Burn for I Heeart, Alex Bumeto for Trojan Horse, Joshua Weinstein, Jazzmind, 356 00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:31,879 Speaker 1: Rometo cal And and me emio Lea special thanks to 357 00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:38,080 Speaker 1: Monissa Hendrix, fernand Estrava and Sara Mota. Listen to Crumbs 358 00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:41,920 Speaker 1: on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever 359 00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:43,000 Speaker 1: you get your podcasts.