Speaker 1: Misspelling with Tori spelling an iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 2: Okay, so, as everyone knows, I just recently ended my
Speaker 2: eighteen year marriage, so knew me. It's my second chapter.
Speaker 2: So I thought it'd be fun to have someone who's
Speaker 2: renowned in this field, the intimacy expert herself, doctor Viviana
Speaker 2: Cole's on today to tell me. Will I ever find
Speaker 2: intimacy again? Does that mean I have to have a relationship?
Speaker 2: Do I have to get married again? Do I have
Speaker 2: to find love? Can I just be me? I just
Speaker 2: want to find me? Hi, doctor V.
Speaker 1: Hi, Tori, how are you doing. It's so good to
Speaker 1: meet you.
Speaker 2: It's so nice to meet you. Oh my gosh, you
Speaker 2: are beautiful.
Speaker 1: You know it's the lighting.
Speaker 2: I know, it's just the ring light.
Speaker 1: Well, thanksving on. I'm really excited to be a guest.
Speaker 2: Thank you well for this session, doctor v I'm your patient. Tea.
Speaker 1: Oh I love that great. Okay, I'm putting the hat on.
Speaker 1: That's good, all right, perfect.
Speaker 2: So I just recently ended an eighteen year marriage together
Speaker 2: almost twenty years, which is a huge chunk the big
Speaker 2: party of life, like a huge part of my life.
Speaker 2: Like it's hard for me to even remember anything before that?
Speaker 2: Is that normal?
Speaker 3: Yeah, well, I'm going to be celebrating seventeen years married,
Speaker 3: so I kind of I kind of understand what you mean.
Speaker 1: I think it's you.
Speaker 3: Grow so much as a human and as an individual,
Speaker 3: but then you also are kind of melding with that
Speaker 3: other person, So it's hard to imagine life before then.
Speaker 3: And again that's just kind of the way that our
Speaker 3: memories were.
Speaker 1: But especially when you.
Speaker 3: Have such a full life, it's hard to even like
Speaker 3: extract that person from those memories.
Speaker 2: It's true, doctor Vee. You have two kids with.
Speaker 1: Two kids fifteen and twelve.
Speaker 2: Yeah, wow, and a boy and a girl who's older.
Speaker 1: The girl thankfully and I because she has helped our
Speaker 1: younger son be like really calm compared to other boys.
Speaker 2: That's interesting. I have five kids, and two of mine,
Speaker 2: the fifteen year old girl and the eleven he's about
Speaker 2: to turn twelve year old boy, are super close. Now,
Speaker 2: like that came out of nowhere, and she gives him advice.
Speaker 2: I get all my advice from my fifteen year old.
Speaker 1: What have things been like?
Speaker 3: Well, how long has it been since you're like officially
Speaker 3: called equits between the two of you?
Speaker 2: Good question, almost a year okay past June.
Speaker 1: Okay, an anniversary, and I'm sure that that brings up,
Speaker 1: you know, a lot of feelings for you, you know, anytime.
Speaker 2: The anniversary really no.
Speaker 1: No, really, no feelings.
Speaker 2: The feelings came up when it was our own anniversary,
Speaker 2: which was just recently in May.
Speaker 1: Okay, so not in June. Sorry, but I thought you
Speaker 1: were saying that it's busy.
Speaker 2: Was like our were separating the official okay, and how
Speaker 2: are you dealing with those feelings?
Speaker 1: What are you doing with all of that?
Speaker 2: It's it's freeing, May I be honest. I'm just kidding.
Speaker 1: I love that.
Speaker 2: I know no other way. I feel like it was
Speaker 2: over a long time ago. I didn't know how to
Speaker 2: get out of it. I feel like he felt the
Speaker 2: same way. It was codependent. We stayed for me personally.
Speaker 2: I can't on his behalf. I stayed predominantly for the
Speaker 2: kids and well he fixed you know, the light bulbs
Speaker 2: and the screws and things around the house. So just kidding,
Speaker 2: not really.
Speaker 3: Well, so everyone knows I'm not your therapist in real life.
Speaker 3: So there's a lot that I don't know. And so
Speaker 3: if I ask certain questions and people are going to
Speaker 3: be like, how does she not know that? It's because
Speaker 3: I'm not really her therapist. But for today's episode, I
Speaker 3: love that you're kind of bringing us in because all
Speaker 3: of this is so real.
Speaker 1: And what you said just now that.
Speaker 3: Things were over before for me, it was it was
Speaker 3: over a way before for him, And you know, I
Speaker 3: stayed for the kids. And I'm sure that there were
Speaker 3: parts of whatever was going on that you.
Speaker 1: Thought, can this be remedied? Can we work through this?
Speaker 1: Is it possible?
Speaker 3: And then inevitably it sounds like you got to a
Speaker 3: place where you said life is going to be better
Speaker 3: for everyone involved if we're not in a romantic relationship together.
Speaker 1: Is that right?
Speaker 2: I got to a point a couple times in the
Speaker 2: relationship later on where I thought like, maybe it's better
Speaker 2: to just stay and maybe my next lifetime I'll yeah
Speaker 2: find true love or happiness.
Speaker 3: Yeah, like taking a back seat just because that might
Speaker 3: be that could be what's best for the family, or
Speaker 3: to not rock the book.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I can put my needs in the backseat, no problem, right.
Speaker 2: And I was like, maybe this lifetime I was just
Speaker 2: meant to be a mom and a workhorse, and that's
Speaker 2: what's given to me. And if that's it. Then I
Speaker 2: am going to do the noble thing and just stay.
Speaker 3: There are so many people out there feeling that right now.
Speaker 3: So how did you make that change and that switch
Speaker 3: to like, no, I need to be the main character
Speaker 3: in my own life. I need in order for me
Speaker 3: to be a better mom. I need to be there
Speaker 3: for myself.
Speaker 2: I mean you're an author as well, so you under stand.
Speaker 2: I mean you have a degree. But in my own brain,
Speaker 2: I have written memoirs and in one of them, I
Speaker 2: was like, write your own happy ending, and I'm like,
Speaker 2: I can give the best advice to people, But why
Speaker 2: am I not taking it? Like I'm supposed to be
Speaker 2: the main character? Like I always joke in the horror film,
Speaker 2: I'd be the main character. Well, what about your own
Speaker 2: fucking life? Bitch? Sorry? Sorry? Can I curse in front
Speaker 2: of you? Doctor?
Speaker 1: Yes, you may, I'm my my churs. Doctor, you can go.
Speaker 2: I'm learning to say not sorry, not sorry.
Speaker 1: Okay. So, yeah, you decided to write your own story
Speaker 1: and I didn't. Actually you didn't. Okay. Wait, so we're
Speaker 1: all over the place, so you knew.
Speaker 2: Welcome to my life.
Speaker 1: You were telling everyone, Hey, you need to make the
Speaker 1: best out of this life.
Speaker 2: Yeah, then you can rewrite it.
Speaker 3: I couldn't do that or you what happened was the
Speaker 3: choice made for you.
Speaker 2: It well, you know when someone like cracks a window
Speaker 2: and then you just smash through the whole fucking glass.
Speaker 2: So that's what happened to me. And my soon to
Speaker 2: be ex husband is sober now and we're super proud
Speaker 2: of him, and he's put a lot of hard work
Speaker 2: into it. Almost a year. But it was and he's
Speaker 2: talked about this so I can talk about it. It
Speaker 2: was that one last final like blowout, like drunken blowout, screaming, ranting,
Speaker 2: and he said, I want a divorce. I'd heard that
Speaker 2: so many times and I just went, okay, okay. At
Speaker 2: this point, when he gets like this, I know him well,
Speaker 2: like just let him, like, just keep quiet. He'll eventually
Speaker 2: go to bed. We didn't sleep in the same room.
Speaker 2: I know we'll get to that for like three or
Speaker 2: four years. And then he went and posted on Instagram
Speaker 2: that we were separating. It was like that crafted like oh,
Speaker 2: like publicist, like please respect our privacy, and he put
Speaker 2: that on Instagram and when I saw it, I remember
Speaker 2: like kind of chuckling a little bit, like and it
Speaker 2: couldn't help. But it was like a nervous laughter. A
Speaker 2: fifteen year old was with me and she goes, Mom,
Speaker 2: that's not funny. I was like, no, I'm sorry, it's
Speaker 2: not funny. And I was ashamed that it just came
Speaker 2: out spontaneously, and she's like, he needs to take that down.
Speaker 2: I'm like, well, it's true, she goes, but that's not
Speaker 2: the public story to know right now. We need to
Speaker 2: deal with this privately. He can't put it for the
Speaker 2: world to know before working it through with his family.
Speaker 2: So she got him to take it down. But as
Speaker 2: we know, as social media, once it goes up, even
Speaker 2: if one, two three people see it, they screenshot. It
Speaker 2: was all over the press and the next day I
Speaker 2: still wasn't mad that it went up. I was really
Speaker 2: felt bad that my kids saw it and that they
Speaker 2: were upset that he put that out there. But to me,
Speaker 2: I was like, this is my out. It was so freeing.
Speaker 2: I was like, the whole world knows. The whole world knows.
Speaker 2: It's a sham that you know. Will they divorced? Will
Speaker 2: they not? Are they happy? Are they not together? They've
Speaker 2: been saying that our whole relationship, even when we were happy.
Speaker 2: So I was like, okay, I'm out now, and that
Speaker 2: was it.
Speaker 1: Wow okay, So you almost saw that as an opportunity, correct,
Speaker 1: and it was something that he did so he couldn't
Speaker 1: technically like use it against you. No, Wow okay. And
Speaker 1: that's been almost a year.
Speaker 2: You said, Yeah, is that weak of me that that's
Speaker 2: the only way I could try to find my happiness?
Speaker 3: I think it shows a lot of strength that you
Speaker 3: kept trying for as long as you did because of
Speaker 3: all of the different external pressures and of course the
Speaker 3: internal pressures as a mom. You know, for some people
Speaker 3: they can they can keep trying forever. But it doesn't
Speaker 3: sound like you were getting anything or enough of anything
Speaker 3: to really say things could be better. So you know what,
Speaker 3: there's there's no judgment, there's no like right way to
Speaker 3: do this. It sounds like you're in a better place now.
Speaker 1: Is maybe how's your pa? Sure?
Speaker 2: No, definitely. You know it's hard and there's ups and downs,
Speaker 2: and there's five kids involved and we're trying to navigate
Speaker 2: it as best we can and co parent. My husband,
Speaker 2: my husband, my soon to be ex husband has a
Speaker 2: living girlfriend, so he went right into another relationship.
Speaker 1: Are you surprised. Now.
Speaker 2: I do wish for him though, because I love him
Speaker 2: and care about him very much. He he got married
Speaker 2: I'm his second wife when he was twenty six years old,
Speaker 2: and he went from that relationship to me and now
Speaker 2: to his current girlfriend. So I mean miscellaneous stuff in between,
Speaker 2: but relationship, and I feel for him that I'm like, gosh,
Speaker 2: I wish he would just take time. And I hate
Speaker 2: this because and tells me take time for yourself. I
Speaker 2: don't mean it that way. I mean date, like, see
Speaker 2: what it's like to be out there, find what you want.
Speaker 3: I think there are a lot of like serial monogamous,
Speaker 3: serial relationship.
Speaker 1: REI well, yeah, I think there's a lot of people
Speaker 1: who just kind of fit into that.
Speaker 2: I think I am. Yeah, I've never dated. I always
Speaker 2: go from one relationship to another.
Speaker 1: Well, dating stinks, so I mean the worst. I feel
Speaker 1: so badly for people who would love to be in
Speaker 1: a relationship, but the way in the platforms that are
Speaker 1: out there to meet people make it so unattractive, and
Speaker 1: then with people just.
Speaker 3: Being lying and they're betraying, and there's so many stories
Speaker 3: of hardship out there. Like I don't blame people for
Speaker 3: just kind of taking a step back often and saying Okay,
Speaker 3: I'm just going to be single for a while. But
Speaker 3: it's not usually because they want to be it's because
Speaker 3: they kind of don't have anything to really help them
Speaker 3: to do that. I actually started like doing some very
Speaker 3: small boutique matchmaking for people, and so I hear a
Speaker 3: lot of.
Speaker 1: Awful stories from the people who are coming to work
Speaker 1: with me. And it's true, dating stinks, and you know,
Speaker 1: but being in a bad marriage is a million times worse.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I'm fifty one, Like.
Speaker 1: Are you do you feel fifty one?
Speaker 2: Nope? Yeah, not at all.
Speaker 1: So you haven't started dating yet or have you?
Speaker 2: I'm going to plead the fifth on that.
Speaker 3: Wow, Okay, Well, what I would suggest for someone, just
Speaker 3: based off of little that you've told me, I feel
Speaker 3: like what I would suggest is that you're very open
Speaker 3: about what you want your life to look like and
Speaker 3: what it actually does look like with any potential dates
Speaker 3: or partners, just because you don't want them to be
Speaker 3: googling you and seeing one version of you which is
Speaker 3: out there, and then they meet you and they're trying
Speaker 3: to get to know you and it doesn't align.
Speaker 1: I would love for them for you to give them
Speaker 1: kind of a template of like, hey, this is what
Speaker 1: my life typically looks like, this is what I do
Speaker 1: on a regular basis, this is what I'm into, versus
Speaker 1: them doing what everybody does. And it's like you get
Speaker 1: somebody's name and you oh, okay, and they were married
Speaker 1: to this person did it and they put this whole
Speaker 1: puzzle piece together. And who you are now versus who
Speaker 1: you were when you were.
Speaker 3: Single before you're soon to be ex are very different people.
Speaker 2: Ish. I feel like if you were a potential suitor,
Speaker 2: there's part of me that's really old fashioned, part of
Speaker 2: me that's like super like uber modern. So a potential
Speaker 2: suitor if they googled me or listen to me or
Speaker 2: listen to my podcast like they would, I feel like
Speaker 2: pretty much you get what you get. I spent so
Speaker 2: many years like trying to be a certain like cookie
Speaker 2: cutter mold and trying to be someone that everyone liked.
Speaker 2: I want it to be liked so badly, But the
Speaker 2: reality is I feel like people like me, the real me.
Speaker 2: And also I played a character that was like a
Speaker 2: goodie two shoes, like the Virgin on nine O two
Speaker 2: one zero, like they meld it together. But I like
Speaker 2: had to be that and that's hard. Can I ask
Speaker 2: you a question, of course, why do some women go
Speaker 2: for red flags and why do we call it a
Speaker 2: red flag?
Speaker 3: I think we we call it red flags because it's
Speaker 3: kind of like the whole swimming thing.
Speaker 1: I hear you shouldn't be out there, like run away,
Speaker 1: run away.
Speaker 2: Stay away, but like where.
Speaker 1: Like if you're out in the ocean with the sharks.
Speaker 2: I don't do that. I lay on the chaise lounge
Speaker 2: and have them bring me drinks.
Speaker 1: And you're very good to do that. But I think
Speaker 1: a lot of people the reason that they go for
Speaker 1: that is because they can confuse it based off of
Speaker 1: whatever they saw at home or their early experiences with dating.
Speaker 1: They can confuse passion for red flags or red flags
Speaker 1: for passion. A lot of times people will grow up
Speaker 1: thinking jealousy is.
Speaker 3: A sign that you really love someone, or if they're
Speaker 3: possessive and they don't want to share you with anyone else,
Speaker 3: it's because they just want you offer themselves and they
Speaker 3: just care about you so much.
Speaker 1: It's so messed up in the real world.
Speaker 3: Like being able to have independence and freedom allows for
Speaker 3: growth and allow us for that ability to be introspective
Speaker 3: and learn who you are as an individual, and that
Speaker 3: only enhances for the long term. Right, Like, if you
Speaker 3: want to be in a short May December romance that
Speaker 3: you wanted to just be y'all hold up in a hotel.
Speaker 1: Room, no problem, Yeah, go for it.
Speaker 3: But if you want something more long, you need to
Speaker 3: be able to breathe, You need to be able to grow,
Speaker 3: you need to be able to outgrow yourself sometimes.
Speaker 1: So yeah, don't go for the red flags. And if
Speaker 1: you spot them, be curious about them and ask all
Speaker 1: of the questions.
Speaker 2: Well, one, what if I'm the red flag? Two? Could
Speaker 2: we redefine what we know is a red flag? Why
Speaker 2: can't there be a green flag? I love green?
Speaker 1: Well, green flags are good. Yeah, right, you can go go. Okay, Well, Tori,
Speaker 1: wait a minute, why do you say maybe you're the
Speaker 1: red flag?
Speaker 2: M ooh, I don't know. Well you said that there's
Speaker 2: a lot of baggage that comes with me.
Speaker 1: Okay, name three things that you would consider baggage.
Speaker 2: Can they have heartbeats and be breathing? Of course, all
Speaker 2: my animals, I mean, they're like designer baggage, and they're
Speaker 2: beautiful and they're special and I love them and just
Speaker 2: a really messy, chaotic life. No main red flag. This
Speaker 2: is what always gets me in trouble. Like people, it's
Speaker 2: a lot to sign up for being with me, Like
Speaker 2: when we go out people recognize me. It's like it's
Speaker 2: I have to I can't act. I can't be free
Speaker 2: and live my life always the way I want to
Speaker 2: because I have to be mindful. And this is ingrained
Speaker 2: in me since I became famous at sixteen. I am
Speaker 2: literally like out in public, people like, oh, it's so beautiful.
Speaker 2: We looked at that view. I'm like, no, I'm looking
Speaker 2: over there. I think someone's taking a picture. Oh no,
Speaker 2: I hear the shutter. Oh be careful, like stand over here,
Speaker 2: Like I'm constantly controlling what I can't control. But I understand.
Speaker 2: But if I don't control it, it's even worse.
Speaker 1: And what's happening?
Speaker 3: What's what's the worst that can happen if you try
Speaker 3: to not control those situations?
Speaker 2: Ay, Google worst picture of Tory spelling, Like they want
Speaker 2: to post the nastiest photos. So I'm like, but it's
Speaker 2: out that's.
Speaker 1: Just assume that those pictures are out there. Your top
Speaker 1: five worst pictures are like actively out there.
Speaker 3: Don't google them people, but they're out there, So what
Speaker 3: could be what could really be? I mean, if that,
Speaker 3: for you is what you're concerned about, and the other
Speaker 3: the alternative is that you are looking at the view,
Speaker 3: or you're looking at your at your you know, your
Speaker 3: date space, or you're actually having a conversation over something.
Speaker 3: It seems like that could outweigh. I mean, the pros
Speaker 3: could outweigh the cons when it comes to that. But
Speaker 3: but you mentioned that was baggage, so I get it.
Speaker 3: You're saying like this is a problem. The other parts
Speaker 3: of it. You know, again, these are all things that.
Speaker 2: Like they would mark me heavy when it went through,
Speaker 2: like at the airport, heavy baggage.
Speaker 1: Heavy baggage. So that's the other piece.
Speaker 3: Everybody has some level of baggage, some weight of baggage.
Speaker 3: What are you doing to work through it? Because that's
Speaker 3: the only other thing that we can ask besides not
Speaker 3: having baggage, and who doesn't at fifty one? Right, But
Speaker 3: then on top of that, what are you doing to
Speaker 3: work through it?
Speaker 2: Well, I mean it is what it is. People can google,
Speaker 2: they know what they know. I'm fifty one. I could
Speaker 2: cut down the animals. That was a way of self
Speaker 2: soothing through the marriage was taking on more chaos.
Speaker 1: Like you want to love something, you want to save something.
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, doctor V. That's my biggest problem in
Speaker 2: life is I want to save them? Well I can't.
Speaker 3: When you're dealing with grown adult men who don't want saving,
Speaker 3: then they're just going to see that as a liability.
Speaker 1: They're not going to see that as a.
Speaker 3: Strength, and unfortunately for them, they're missing out on someone.
Speaker 2: That has ability like tax evasion or like a liability,
Speaker 2: my ability.
Speaker 3: Like something they want to avoid. But you know, it's
Speaker 3: part of your makeup to want to be a nurture
Speaker 3: and to want to save again. That might be something
Speaker 3: to work on, is letting go of you don't need
Speaker 3: to save everyone. Maybe the person that needs saving right
Speaker 3: now at this time of life is you and the
Speaker 3: people around you who love you want you to give
Speaker 3: yourself that attention and to hold yourself and to be
Speaker 3: there for yourself because they want to see you happy
Speaker 3: ultimately and to thrive beyond all of this.
Speaker 2: Okay, can we move on to intimacy.
Speaker 1: Let's do it, but not the intimacy view, but let's
Speaker 1: talk about it.
Speaker 2: I'm like cool, let's skirt around it. Can you tell
Speaker 2: me the difference between Actually, we've talked about love, we've
Speaker 2: talked about passion. Where does infatuation stand with all this?
Speaker 2: So there's something called new really relationship energy and honeymoon period.
Speaker 3: That honeymoon period, but even more like short term than that,
Speaker 3: is this thing where every part of your body and
Speaker 3: all of the chemicals and all that are just going
Speaker 3: towards your partnership, especially sexually, and that does tend to
Speaker 3: go away. Passion tends to dive in brain that just
Speaker 3: doesn't experience it to that same extent, And a lot
Speaker 3: of people really struggle with that transition, so they'll either
Speaker 3: break up at that point or they'll go into something
Speaker 3: that is like really dissatisfying.
Speaker 1: But infatuation, I think what it does is it helps you.
Speaker 3: To focus in a world where it's really hard to
Speaker 3: focus on one person. It's really hard to give one
Speaker 3: person a lot of attention. It's almost like a little
Speaker 3: bit of like imprinting, right, Like when you first get
Speaker 3: your newest member of the family and four legged one
Speaker 3: and you're just like, oh my gosh, and we need
Speaker 3: you know.
Speaker 1: All the focuses are what are little rovers needs? Right?
Speaker 1: Did they have this did they have? How are they
Speaker 1: doing with the other dogs? And they like stand out.
Speaker 3: There like they've got that magnifying glass and they've got
Speaker 3: the spotlight on them. That doesn't always last, right, And
Speaker 3: not that you stop caring, but you stop caring to
Speaker 3: that degree. So I'm a big fan of just accepting
Speaker 3: that new relationship energy is there as a gift to
Speaker 3: give you kind of blinders to that one person. But
Speaker 3: I'm not a fan of what most happens to most people,
Speaker 3: which is that as that new relationship energy starts to
Speaker 3: fade away, they don't get ready for the next phase.
Speaker 3: They don't prepare themselves for that more long term lasting
Speaker 3: commitment connection and of course intimacy.
Speaker 2: Do you feel like then it would be better to
Speaker 2: connect with someone emotionally mentally and the bonus is that
Speaker 2: you're physically attracted to them, because that part might fade away,
Speaker 2: but the other won't.
Speaker 3: So I wish that it was as easy as saying,
Speaker 3: connect with somebody emotionally, the physical will come.
Speaker 1: That's not usually the case.
Speaker 3: We have to be working on both of them in
Speaker 3: tandem and know that you're probably going to end up
Speaker 3: being with somebody who feels the opposite of you. Most
Speaker 3: people have one personic relationship where they need the emotions
Speaker 3: to be there in order to want the physical, and
Speaker 3: then they're with someone who needs the physical in order
Speaker 3: for the emotions to show up. So just know that
Speaker 3: that's probably the case and accept it, and I just
Speaker 3: know that to be fact, and you'll be in a
Speaker 3: much better place.
Speaker 2: That's like opposite attract.
Speaker 1: I don't know that it's opposites attract.
Speaker 2: It's more like neat opposite needs attract.
Speaker 1: Opposite needs tend to attract. Yeah, opposite needs to tend
Speaker 1: to attract.
Speaker 3: But the problem is it can feel very almost like
Speaker 3: a lot of people feel very judgmental, or they feel
Speaker 3: sour towards the other person if.
Speaker 1: They think differently. You know, I don't know if you've
Speaker 1: ever experienced us with friends or even with partners, where
Speaker 1: somebody who seems to always want the physical, we tend
Speaker 1: to like we tend to kind of knock them aside
Speaker 1: or knock them down by telling them like, oh that
Speaker 1: you're so juvenile, like you know, gosh, you're all about sex,
Speaker 1: Like what's really important is what's happening between us on
Speaker 1: the inside. But to them, that is not the truth
Speaker 1: to them.
Speaker 3: Their truth is I need the physical and it gives me,
Speaker 3: It makes me bond it to you, it makes me
Speaker 3: you know. It's like the four intimacy styles my book, bonding, release, giving,
Speaker 3: and responsive.
Speaker 2: Those bonding people sorry through it again, bonding.
Speaker 1: Bonding, release, being and responsive. And people who are bonding,
Speaker 1: what they need from a relationship, from an intimate relationship
Speaker 1: is they need to experience physical interaction in order to
Speaker 1: feel the bonding that comes from it. And so for them,
Speaker 1: not having sex or having sex very rarely means they
Speaker 1: feel disconnected emotionally from their partner, so it's super important
Speaker 1: to them. And then with release, people who are predominantly
Speaker 1: released will feel like, oh my gosh, I need sex
Speaker 1: because I need that release of tension. I need that pleasure.
Speaker 1: I want that experience through my body.
Speaker 3: I want like it's how I can get through tough
Speaker 3: times in my life. And then to attribute it to
Speaker 3: their partner, it's like, oh, thank you for giving me that.
Speaker 1: Now giving they need that, They need.
Speaker 3: To be able to give pleasure and have their partner
Speaker 3: associate them with that pleasure. It's almost like a badge
Speaker 3: of honor. It feels, oh, I can just do this for.
Speaker 1: You all day. They feel so at ease and at
Speaker 1: home with giving pleasure now responsives, they tend to be
Speaker 1: the ones that are least least liked, but they're probably
Speaker 1: the most out there responsive. They tend to not think
Speaker 1: about sex on a regular basis. It's usually just in
Speaker 1: response to their partner saying they'd like it. They enjoy it,
Speaker 1: they're up for it.
Speaker 3: While they're having it, they're having a good time, and
Speaker 3: they're probably thinking, gosh, we should do that more often.
Speaker 3: But as soon as the sexual experience is over, they
Speaker 3: kind of reset to not thinking about sex. And so
Speaker 3: a lot of them can be misconstrued as not having
Speaker 3: desire and having low desire, but that's not true.
Speaker 1: They just don't have at present all the time. And yeah,
Speaker 1: it's great. You can take the quiz online.
Speaker 3: It's four intimacy styles quidz dot com and it'll tell
Speaker 3: you what percentage of each And my hope is that
Speaker 3: to round out your intimacy style, you experience about twenty
Speaker 3: five percent of each as often as possible.
Speaker 2: Ooh amazing, I can't wait to take it. One last
Speaker 2: question and maybe this isn't the case. I feel like
Speaker 2: in life life Females are conditioned to think if a
Speaker 2: man responds to them sexually, and it should be like,
Speaker 2: WHI isn't he want to make out with me? Why
Speaker 2: isn't you want to kiss me? Why does he want
Speaker 2: to have sex with me all the time? Or it.
Speaker 2: We're conditioned to feel like, oh, he doesn't want me.
Speaker 2: I'm not desirable, He's not attracted to me. Why is
Speaker 2: that tory?
Speaker 3: That is exactly what I'm teaching a masterclass on on
Speaker 3: June tenth at twelve thirty.
Speaker 1: It's online spree. You've got to check it out.
Speaker 3: A lot of people think that that is only something
Speaker 3: that women experience, that if their partners aren't showing interest
Speaker 3: in them, it's like, what's wrong with my partner? A
Speaker 3: lot of men they need that in long term relationships.
Speaker 3: If they're in a a monogamous relationship, they also need
Speaker 3: that attention from their partners. But like you said, women
Speaker 3: aren't socialized to give that. We're socialized to receive it.
Speaker 3: We're socialized to pursue it.
Speaker 1: And you're right, a lot of people take it very
Speaker 1: personally when their partners aren't showing that they're sexually interested.
Speaker 1: I call that pillow talk. Outside of the bedroom.
Speaker 3: I want everyone to be showing their partner that they're
Speaker 3: sexually interested in them. Of course, it has to be
Speaker 3: appropriate for the setting, but it needs to happen or
Speaker 3: else it can feel like you're an on and off
Speaker 3: switch when it comes to sex.
Speaker 1: Or I can feel like your partners, you know, come
Speaker 1: ons are coming out of nowhere.
Speaker 3: Or I can feel like you're going from cold to
Speaker 3: hot and that's just not sexy me.
Speaker 2: Is that weird that I'd prefer to be connected mentally
Speaker 2: and stimulated that way as opposed to not prefer but
Speaker 2: like that would be my ideal rather than physically. Like
Speaker 2: I feel like that's great, we should connect my partner
Speaker 2: and I physically, But that's not my top priority, never was,
Speaker 2: except I always grew up thinking, you know, female is sexy.
Speaker 2: Men are supposed to you know, we're supposed to be
Speaker 2: like giggly and gurly and like show off for assets
Speaker 2: and they want to yes, So it's.
Speaker 1: Not weird at all.
Speaker 3: It's actually you know, like I said, there are just
Speaker 3: as many people who feel the way that you do
Speaker 3: as there are that need the physical to get there.
Speaker 1: But what's more important.
Speaker 3: I think having been seeing clients for the best twenty
Speaker 3: years plus is to know and to be aware of
Speaker 3: the fact that if you're not showing your partner that
Speaker 3: you're sexually interested in, then then something's missing and it
Speaker 3: can't just happen through sex. You cannot just show someone
Speaker 3: that you think they're sexually interested or interesting through sex.
Speaker 3: Like that's just not going to be for a long
Speaker 3: term committed relationship. It's just not going to work out well.
Speaker 3: But the emotional side that you're talking about, there are
Speaker 3: ways to do that every single day as well. Speaking
Speaker 3: each other's love language, showing interest in you and what's
Speaker 3: going on with you. That's important too. It's just that
Speaker 3: there are lots there's lots of information about that online
Speaker 3: and out there. I'm trying to answer the question that
Speaker 3: most of my clients have is like, I know my
Speaker 3: love language, but what about sex?
Speaker 1: And I'm like, I got you.
Speaker 2: Do you believe truly that monogamy is natural?
Speaker 1: I do not. I do not.
Speaker 3: I think it's incredibly difficult and if and I feel
Speaker 3: like in our world it just gets more and more challenging.
Speaker 3: And that's why I think it's so important to honor
Speaker 3: different ways that people experience love and connection and all
Speaker 3: of that, but we're still typically in an area of
Speaker 3: the world that believes in monogamy as being, you know,
Speaker 3: the most the way to do relationships. And if you
Speaker 3: subscribe to that, and if you want that, then there
Speaker 3: are certain things that you're going to have to do
Speaker 3: differently and with more passion and more diligence, like the
Speaker 3: pillow talk, like learning your intimacy styles, like doing the work.
Speaker 1: If you're going to stay together.
Speaker 2: Can the pillows be satin? Because I don't want to
Speaker 2: increase this in my face in the hair definitely frizzes
Speaker 2: it out.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I feel like in I don't know, twenty years, thirty years,
Speaker 2: like monogamy is going to be an archaic word that
Speaker 2: we're like, oh, yeah, I think that's something cute. I've dated.
Speaker 3: But a lot of people, and I see them in
Speaker 3: my office a lot too, they don't know how to
Speaker 3: have those conversations. And I would suggest that you do
Speaker 3: it with a professional and that you ask because you
Speaker 3: don't know what you don't know, and it can be
Speaker 3: very hurtful if you don't kind of do it the
Speaker 3: right way versus just being like, let's try it.
Speaker 1: It's like with anal sex you can't just try anal sex.
Speaker 1: You have to prepare your body in order for it
Speaker 1: to go.
Speaker 2: Well, you have to go. And you just opened up
Speaker 2: a whole can of worms. Because I could talk about
Speaker 2: that all day. So everyone, check out doctor V's Masterclass June.
Speaker 3: Tenth at twelve thirty Central and you can sign up
Speaker 3: for free. It's a live online class.
Speaker 1: I'll be there at pillow talkmasterclass dot com.
Speaker 2: You are amazing. I could talk to you all day,
Speaker 2: uh so, and one day can we have that that
Speaker 2: anal conversation?
Speaker 3: Absolutely, Tori, we can have that anal conversation whenever you want.
Speaker 1: H