1 00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:12,880 Speaker 1: Misspelling with Tori spelling an iHeartRadio podcast. 2 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:20,400 Speaker 2: Okay, so, as everyone knows, I just recently ended my 3 00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:28,080 Speaker 2: eighteen year marriage, so knew me. It's my second chapter. 4 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:32,160 Speaker 2: So I thought it'd be fun to have someone who's 5 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:38,920 Speaker 2: renowned in this field, the intimacy expert herself, doctor Viviana 6 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:43,480 Speaker 2: Cole's on today to tell me. Will I ever find 7 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:46,800 Speaker 2: intimacy again? Does that mean I have to have a relationship? 8 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:48,440 Speaker 2: Do I have to get married again? Do I have 9 00:00:48,479 --> 00:00:53,000 Speaker 2: to find love? Can I just be me? I just 10 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:55,480 Speaker 2: want to find me? Hi, doctor V. 11 00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:58,920 Speaker 1: Hi, Tori, how are you doing. It's so good to 12 00:00:58,960 --> 00:00:59,320 Speaker 1: meet you. 13 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:01,680 Speaker 2: It's so nice to meet you. Oh my gosh, you 14 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:02,840 Speaker 2: are beautiful. 15 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:05,640 Speaker 1: You know it's the lighting. 16 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:07,399 Speaker 2: I know, it's just the ring light. 17 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:13,279 Speaker 1: Well, thanksving on. I'm really excited to be a guest. 18 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:17,759 Speaker 2: Thank you well for this session, doctor v I'm your patient. Tea. 19 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:23,840 Speaker 1: Oh I love that great. Okay, I'm putting the hat on. 20 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:26,240 Speaker 1: That's good, all right, perfect. 21 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:31,920 Speaker 2: So I just recently ended an eighteen year marriage together 22 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:36,720 Speaker 2: almost twenty years, which is a huge chunk the big 23 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:39,119 Speaker 2: party of life, like a huge part of my life. 24 00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:43,640 Speaker 2: Like it's hard for me to even remember anything before that? 25 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:44,520 Speaker 2: Is that normal? 26 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:49,400 Speaker 3: Yeah, well, I'm going to be celebrating seventeen years married, 27 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:52,240 Speaker 3: so I kind of I kind of understand what you mean. 28 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:54,200 Speaker 1: I think it's you. 29 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:56,920 Speaker 3: Grow so much as a human and as an individual, 30 00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:00,160 Speaker 3: but then you also are kind of melding with that 31 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:03,240 Speaker 3: other person, So it's hard to imagine life before then. 32 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,320 Speaker 3: And again that's just kind of the way that our 33 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:05,880 Speaker 3: memories were. 34 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:07,080 Speaker 1: But especially when you. 35 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:10,720 Speaker 3: Have such a full life, it's hard to even like 36 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,679 Speaker 3: extract that person from those memories. 37 00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:15,600 Speaker 2: It's true, doctor Vee. You have two kids with. 38 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:17,560 Speaker 1: Two kids fifteen and twelve. 39 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:21,480 Speaker 2: Yeah, wow, and a boy and a girl who's older. 40 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:26,840 Speaker 1: The girl thankfully and I because she has helped our 41 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:31,880 Speaker 1: younger son be like really calm compared to other boys. 42 00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:36,480 Speaker 2: That's interesting. I have five kids, and two of mine, 43 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,919 Speaker 2: the fifteen year old girl and the eleven he's about 44 00:02:39,919 --> 00:02:43,200 Speaker 2: to turn twelve year old boy, are super close. Now, 45 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:46,480 Speaker 2: like that came out of nowhere, and she gives him advice. 46 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,919 Speaker 2: I get all my advice from my fifteen year old. 47 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:50,720 Speaker 1: What have things been like? 48 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:53,799 Speaker 3: Well, how long has it been since you're like officially 49 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,679 Speaker 3: called equits between the two of you? 50 00:02:56,080 --> 00:03:00,360 Speaker 2: Good question, almost a year okay past June. 51 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:05,240 Speaker 1: Okay, an anniversary, and I'm sure that that brings up, 52 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:09,680 Speaker 1: you know, a lot of feelings for you, you know, anytime. 53 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:12,200 Speaker 2: The anniversary really no. 54 00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:14,040 Speaker 1: No, really, no feelings. 55 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:17,720 Speaker 2: The feelings came up when it was our own anniversary, 56 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:20,480 Speaker 2: which was just recently in May. 57 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:23,800 Speaker 1: Okay, so not in June. Sorry, but I thought you 58 00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:25,239 Speaker 1: were saying that it's busy. 59 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:31,200 Speaker 2: Was like our were separating the official okay, and how 60 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:33,000 Speaker 2: are you dealing with those feelings? 61 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:34,440 Speaker 1: What are you doing with all of that? 62 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:42,920 Speaker 2: It's it's freeing, May I be honest. I'm just kidding. 63 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:43,880 Speaker 1: I love that. 64 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:49,160 Speaker 2: I know no other way. I feel like it was 65 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:52,120 Speaker 2: over a long time ago. I didn't know how to 66 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:54,560 Speaker 2: get out of it. I feel like he felt the 67 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:59,400 Speaker 2: same way. It was codependent. We stayed for me personally. 68 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:03,440 Speaker 2: I can't on his behalf. I stayed predominantly for the 69 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:07,200 Speaker 2: kids and well he fixed you know, the light bulbs 70 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:10,520 Speaker 2: and the screws and things around the house. So just kidding, 71 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:11,280 Speaker 2: not really. 72 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:14,160 Speaker 3: Well, so everyone knows I'm not your therapist in real life. 73 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:16,039 Speaker 3: So there's a lot that I don't know. And so 74 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:17,880 Speaker 3: if I ask certain questions and people are going to 75 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:19,400 Speaker 3: be like, how does she not know that? It's because 76 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:23,320 Speaker 3: I'm not really her therapist. But for today's episode, I 77 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:25,680 Speaker 3: love that you're kind of bringing us in because all 78 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:26,679 Speaker 3: of this is so real. 79 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,320 Speaker 1: And what you said just now that. 80 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:33,200 Speaker 3: Things were over before for me, it was it was 81 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:35,320 Speaker 3: over a way before for him, And you know, I 82 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,080 Speaker 3: stayed for the kids. And I'm sure that there were 83 00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:40,320 Speaker 3: parts of whatever was going on that you. 84 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:43,800 Speaker 1: Thought, can this be remedied? Can we work through this? 85 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:45,160 Speaker 1: Is it possible? 86 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:47,479 Speaker 3: And then inevitably it sounds like you got to a 87 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:50,240 Speaker 3: place where you said life is going to be better 88 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:55,159 Speaker 3: for everyone involved if we're not in a romantic relationship together. 89 00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:56,640 Speaker 1: Is that right? 90 00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:02,080 Speaker 2: I got to a point a couple times in the 91 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:08,559 Speaker 2: relationship later on where I thought like, maybe it's better 92 00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:15,280 Speaker 2: to just stay and maybe my next lifetime I'll yeah 93 00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:16,960 Speaker 2: find true love or happiness. 94 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:20,240 Speaker 3: Yeah, like taking a back seat just because that might 95 00:05:20,279 --> 00:05:23,320 Speaker 3: be that could be what's best for the family, or 96 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:24,320 Speaker 3: to not rock the book. 97 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,919 Speaker 1: Yeah, I can put my needs in the backseat, no problem, right. 98 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,400 Speaker 2: And I was like, maybe this lifetime I was just 99 00:05:30,839 --> 00:05:34,080 Speaker 2: meant to be a mom and a workhorse, and that's 100 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:37,000 Speaker 2: what's given to me. And if that's it. Then I 101 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:40,960 Speaker 2: am going to do the noble thing and just stay. 102 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:44,760 Speaker 3: There are so many people out there feeling that right now. 103 00:05:44,839 --> 00:05:47,840 Speaker 3: So how did you make that change and that switch 104 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:51,120 Speaker 3: to like, no, I need to be the main character 105 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:54,200 Speaker 3: in my own life. I need in order for me 106 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:56,839 Speaker 3: to be a better mom. I need to be there 107 00:05:56,839 --> 00:05:57,520 Speaker 3: for myself. 108 00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:00,440 Speaker 2: I mean you're an author as well, so you under stand. 109 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:04,200 Speaker 2: I mean you have a degree. But in my own brain, 110 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:08,720 Speaker 2: I have written memoirs and in one of them, I 111 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:11,160 Speaker 2: was like, write your own happy ending, and I'm like, 112 00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:14,360 Speaker 2: I can give the best advice to people, But why 113 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:16,760 Speaker 2: am I not taking it? Like I'm supposed to be 114 00:06:16,839 --> 00:06:20,159 Speaker 2: the main character? Like I always joke in the horror film, 115 00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:22,600 Speaker 2: I'd be the main character. Well, what about your own 116 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:25,480 Speaker 2: fucking life? Bitch? Sorry? Sorry? Can I curse in front 117 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:25,960 Speaker 2: of you? Doctor? 118 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:30,320 Speaker 1: Yes, you may, I'm my my churs. Doctor, you can go. 119 00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:32,880 Speaker 2: I'm learning to say not sorry, not sorry. 120 00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:37,360 Speaker 1: Okay. So, yeah, you decided to write your own story 121 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:42,040 Speaker 1: and I didn't. Actually you didn't. Okay. Wait, so we're 122 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:43,880 Speaker 1: all over the place, so you knew. 123 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:45,240 Speaker 2: Welcome to my life. 124 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:48,680 Speaker 1: You were telling everyone, Hey, you need to make the 125 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:49,719 Speaker 1: best out of this life. 126 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:52,560 Speaker 2: Yeah, then you can rewrite it. 127 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:57,520 Speaker 3: I couldn't do that or you what happened was the 128 00:06:57,600 --> 00:06:58,640 Speaker 3: choice made for you. 129 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,840 Speaker 2: It well, you know when someone like cracks a window 130 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:04,200 Speaker 2: and then you just smash through the whole fucking glass. 131 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:08,719 Speaker 2: So that's what happened to me. And my soon to 132 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:12,480 Speaker 2: be ex husband is sober now and we're super proud 133 00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:14,080 Speaker 2: of him, and he's put a lot of hard work 134 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:18,320 Speaker 2: into it. Almost a year. But it was and he's 135 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:20,920 Speaker 2: talked about this so I can talk about it. It 136 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:28,240 Speaker 2: was that one last final like blowout, like drunken blowout, screaming, ranting, 137 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:31,200 Speaker 2: and he said, I want a divorce. I'd heard that 138 00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:34,760 Speaker 2: so many times and I just went, okay, okay. At 139 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:38,320 Speaker 2: this point, when he gets like this, I know him well, 140 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:42,440 Speaker 2: like just let him, like, just keep quiet. He'll eventually 141 00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:44,640 Speaker 2: go to bed. We didn't sleep in the same room. 142 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,320 Speaker 2: I know we'll get to that for like three or 143 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:51,600 Speaker 2: four years. And then he went and posted on Instagram 144 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:56,840 Speaker 2: that we were separating. It was like that crafted like oh, 145 00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:01,720 Speaker 2: like publicist, like please respect our privacy, and he put 146 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:06,400 Speaker 2: that on Instagram and when I saw it, I remember 147 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:09,120 Speaker 2: like kind of chuckling a little bit, like and it 148 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:11,440 Speaker 2: couldn't help. But it was like a nervous laughter. A 149 00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:13,360 Speaker 2: fifteen year old was with me and she goes, Mom, 150 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:16,320 Speaker 2: that's not funny. I was like, no, I'm sorry, it's 151 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:18,920 Speaker 2: not funny. And I was ashamed that it just came 152 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:22,040 Speaker 2: out spontaneously, and she's like, he needs to take that down. 153 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,880 Speaker 2: I'm like, well, it's true, she goes, but that's not 154 00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,560 Speaker 2: the public story to know right now. We need to 155 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:30,600 Speaker 2: deal with this privately. He can't put it for the 156 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,240 Speaker 2: world to know before working it through with his family. 157 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:36,120 Speaker 2: So she got him to take it down. But as 158 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:38,199 Speaker 2: we know, as social media, once it goes up, even 159 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:40,640 Speaker 2: if one, two three people see it, they screenshot. It 160 00:08:40,679 --> 00:08:43,960 Speaker 2: was all over the press and the next day I 161 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:47,640 Speaker 2: still wasn't mad that it went up. I was really 162 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,480 Speaker 2: felt bad that my kids saw it and that they 163 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:53,320 Speaker 2: were upset that he put that out there. But to me, 164 00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:56,679 Speaker 2: I was like, this is my out. It was so freeing. 165 00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:59,960 Speaker 2: I was like, the whole world knows. The whole world knows. 166 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:04,080 Speaker 2: It's a sham that you know. Will they divorced? Will 167 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:05,960 Speaker 2: they not? Are they happy? Are they not together? They've 168 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,920 Speaker 2: been saying that our whole relationship, even when we were happy. 169 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:12,720 Speaker 2: So I was like, okay, I'm out now, and that 170 00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:13,120 Speaker 2: was it. 171 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:18,400 Speaker 1: Wow okay, So you almost saw that as an opportunity, correct, 172 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,240 Speaker 1: and it was something that he did so he couldn't 173 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:26,880 Speaker 1: technically like use it against you. No, Wow okay. And 174 00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:28,720 Speaker 1: that's been almost a year. 175 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,720 Speaker 2: You said, Yeah, is that weak of me that that's 176 00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:35,800 Speaker 2: the only way I could try to find my happiness? 177 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,600 Speaker 3: I think it shows a lot of strength that you 178 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:42,480 Speaker 3: kept trying for as long as you did because of 179 00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:45,040 Speaker 3: all of the different external pressures and of course the 180 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:49,040 Speaker 3: internal pressures as a mom. You know, for some people 181 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:54,640 Speaker 3: they can they can keep trying forever. But it doesn't 182 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:58,679 Speaker 3: sound like you were getting anything or enough of anything 183 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:02,640 Speaker 3: to really say things could be better. So you know what, 184 00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:06,080 Speaker 3: there's there's no judgment, there's no like right way to 185 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:10,040 Speaker 3: do this. It sounds like you're in a better place now. 186 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:12,080 Speaker 1: Is maybe how's your pa? Sure? 187 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:16,600 Speaker 2: No, definitely. You know it's hard and there's ups and downs, 188 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:19,400 Speaker 2: and there's five kids involved and we're trying to navigate 189 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:22,640 Speaker 2: it as best we can and co parent. My husband, 190 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:26,920 Speaker 2: my husband, my soon to be ex husband has a 191 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:32,360 Speaker 2: living girlfriend, so he went right into another relationship. 192 00:10:32,559 --> 00:10:33,920 Speaker 1: Are you surprised. Now. 193 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:38,640 Speaker 2: I do wish for him though, because I love him 194 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:42,800 Speaker 2: and care about him very much. He he got married 195 00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:46,000 Speaker 2: I'm his second wife when he was twenty six years old, 196 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,160 Speaker 2: and he went from that relationship to me and now 197 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:53,880 Speaker 2: to his current girlfriend. So I mean miscellaneous stuff in between, 198 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:57,120 Speaker 2: but relationship, and I feel for him that I'm like, gosh, 199 00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,520 Speaker 2: I wish he would just take time. And I hate 200 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,920 Speaker 2: this because and tells me take time for yourself. I 201 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:05,480 Speaker 2: don't mean it that way. I mean date, like, see 202 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,880 Speaker 2: what it's like to be out there, find what you want. 203 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:12,160 Speaker 3: I think there are a lot of like serial monogamous, 204 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:13,959 Speaker 3: serial relationship. 205 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:15,960 Speaker 1: REI well, yeah, I think there's a lot of people 206 00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:17,840 Speaker 1: who just kind of fit into that. 207 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:23,920 Speaker 2: I think I am. Yeah, I've never dated. I always 208 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,920 Speaker 2: go from one relationship to another. 209 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:31,800 Speaker 1: Well, dating stinks, so I mean the worst. I feel 210 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,360 Speaker 1: so badly for people who would love to be in 211 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:38,120 Speaker 1: a relationship, but the way in the platforms that are 212 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:42,040 Speaker 1: out there to meet people make it so unattractive, and 213 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:43,400 Speaker 1: then with people just. 214 00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:47,720 Speaker 3: Being lying and they're betraying, and there's so many stories 215 00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:50,360 Speaker 3: of hardship out there. Like I don't blame people for 216 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:54,120 Speaker 3: just kind of taking a step back often and saying Okay, 217 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:56,240 Speaker 3: I'm just going to be single for a while. But 218 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,640 Speaker 3: it's not usually because they want to be it's because 219 00:11:58,679 --> 00:12:02,160 Speaker 3: they kind of don't have anything to really help them 220 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:05,720 Speaker 3: to do that. I actually started like doing some very 221 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:10,400 Speaker 3: small boutique matchmaking for people, and so I hear a 222 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:10,840 Speaker 3: lot of. 223 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:13,200 Speaker 1: Awful stories from the people who are coming to work 224 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:16,559 Speaker 1: with me. And it's true, dating stinks, and you know, 225 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:20,200 Speaker 1: but being in a bad marriage is a million times worse. 226 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:23,960 Speaker 2: Yeah, but I'm fifty one, Like. 227 00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:26,199 Speaker 1: Are you do you feel fifty one? 228 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:29,079 Speaker 2: Nope? Yeah, not at all. 229 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,040 Speaker 1: So you haven't started dating yet or have you? 230 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:36,800 Speaker 2: I'm going to plead the fifth on that. 231 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:42,760 Speaker 3: Wow, Okay, Well, what I would suggest for someone, just 232 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:44,760 Speaker 3: based off of little that you've told me, I feel 233 00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:48,200 Speaker 3: like what I would suggest is that you're very open 234 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:51,400 Speaker 3: about what you want your life to look like and 235 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:55,439 Speaker 3: what it actually does look like with any potential dates 236 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:58,400 Speaker 3: or partners, just because you don't want them to be 237 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:02,000 Speaker 3: googling you and seeing one version of you which is 238 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:05,160 Speaker 3: out there, and then they meet you and they're trying 239 00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,120 Speaker 3: to get to know you and it doesn't align. 240 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:09,120 Speaker 1: I would love for them for you to give them 241 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,839 Speaker 1: kind of a template of like, hey, this is what 242 00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:13,760 Speaker 1: my life typically looks like, this is what I do 243 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,720 Speaker 1: on a regular basis, this is what I'm into, versus 244 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:19,040 Speaker 1: them doing what everybody does. And it's like you get 245 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:22,520 Speaker 1: somebody's name and you oh, okay, and they were married 246 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:24,320 Speaker 1: to this person did it and they put this whole 247 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:27,760 Speaker 1: puzzle piece together. And who you are now versus who 248 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:28,560 Speaker 1: you were when you were. 249 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:32,880 Speaker 3: Single before you're soon to be ex are very different people. 250 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:38,360 Speaker 2: Ish. I feel like if you were a potential suitor, 251 00:13:38,679 --> 00:13:40,959 Speaker 2: there's part of me that's really old fashioned, part of 252 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:44,000 Speaker 2: me that's like super like uber modern. So a potential 253 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:47,960 Speaker 2: suitor if they googled me or listen to me or 254 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,760 Speaker 2: listen to my podcast like they would, I feel like 255 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:54,400 Speaker 2: pretty much you get what you get. I spent so 256 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:58,880 Speaker 2: many years like trying to be a certain like cookie 257 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:03,400 Speaker 2: cutter mold and trying to be someone that everyone liked. 258 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:07,199 Speaker 2: I want it to be liked so badly, But the 259 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:10,839 Speaker 2: reality is I feel like people like me, the real me. 260 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:13,319 Speaker 2: And also I played a character that was like a 261 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:16,200 Speaker 2: goodie two shoes, like the Virgin on nine O two 262 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,840 Speaker 2: one zero, like they meld it together. But I like 263 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:33,640 Speaker 2: had to be that and that's hard. Can I ask 264 00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:38,600 Speaker 2: you a question, of course, why do some women go 265 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:41,480 Speaker 2: for red flags and why do we call it a 266 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:42,240 Speaker 2: red flag? 267 00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:46,760 Speaker 3: I think we we call it red flags because it's 268 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:48,040 Speaker 3: kind of like the whole swimming thing. 269 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:52,240 Speaker 1: I hear you shouldn't be out there, like run away, 270 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:53,000 Speaker 1: run away. 271 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:55,400 Speaker 2: Stay away, but like where. 272 00:14:57,360 --> 00:15:00,280 Speaker 1: Like if you're out in the ocean with the sharks. 273 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,640 Speaker 2: I don't do that. I lay on the chaise lounge 274 00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:03,840 Speaker 2: and have them bring me drinks. 275 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:07,400 Speaker 1: And you're very good to do that. But I think 276 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:10,680 Speaker 1: a lot of people the reason that they go for 277 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:14,280 Speaker 1: that is because they can confuse it based off of 278 00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:17,760 Speaker 1: whatever they saw at home or their early experiences with dating. 279 00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:23,040 Speaker 1: They can confuse passion for red flags or red flags 280 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:26,120 Speaker 1: for passion. A lot of times people will grow up 281 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:27,480 Speaker 1: thinking jealousy is. 282 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:30,120 Speaker 3: A sign that you really love someone, or if they're 283 00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:32,360 Speaker 3: possessive and they don't want to share you with anyone else, 284 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,600 Speaker 3: it's because they just want you offer themselves and they 285 00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:36,000 Speaker 3: just care about you so much. 286 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:38,880 Speaker 1: It's so messed up in the real world. 287 00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:42,800 Speaker 3: Like being able to have independence and freedom allows for 288 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:46,280 Speaker 3: growth and allow us for that ability to be introspective 289 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,680 Speaker 3: and learn who you are as an individual, and that 290 00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:51,360 Speaker 3: only enhances for the long term. Right, Like, if you 291 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,800 Speaker 3: want to be in a short May December romance that 292 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:56,560 Speaker 3: you wanted to just be y'all hold up in a hotel. 293 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,440 Speaker 1: Room, no problem, Yeah, go for it. 294 00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:00,720 Speaker 3: But if you want something more long, you need to 295 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:02,480 Speaker 3: be able to breathe, You need to be able to grow, 296 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:04,880 Speaker 3: you need to be able to outgrow yourself sometimes. 297 00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:07,960 Speaker 1: So yeah, don't go for the red flags. And if 298 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,880 Speaker 1: you spot them, be curious about them and ask all 299 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:12,280 Speaker 1: of the questions. 300 00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:17,000 Speaker 2: Well, one, what if I'm the red flag? Two? Could 301 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:19,800 Speaker 2: we redefine what we know is a red flag? Why 302 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,040 Speaker 2: can't there be a green flag? I love green? 303 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:29,360 Speaker 1: Well, green flags are good. Yeah, right, you can go go. Okay, Well, Tori, 304 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:31,160 Speaker 1: wait a minute, why do you say maybe you're the 305 00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:31,680 Speaker 1: red flag? 306 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:37,320 Speaker 2: M ooh, I don't know. Well you said that there's 307 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:39,280 Speaker 2: a lot of baggage that comes with me. 308 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:43,440 Speaker 1: Okay, name three things that you would consider baggage. 309 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:48,480 Speaker 2: Can they have heartbeats and be breathing? Of course, all 310 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:52,320 Speaker 2: my animals, I mean, they're like designer baggage, and they're 311 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:56,240 Speaker 2: beautiful and they're special and I love them and just 312 00:16:56,240 --> 00:17:02,640 Speaker 2: a really messy, chaotic life. No main red flag. This 313 00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:08,080 Speaker 2: is what always gets me in trouble. Like people, it's 314 00:17:08,119 --> 00:17:10,280 Speaker 2: a lot to sign up for being with me, Like 315 00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:15,639 Speaker 2: when we go out people recognize me. It's like it's 316 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:19,119 Speaker 2: I have to I can't act. I can't be free 317 00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:22,520 Speaker 2: and live my life always the way I want to 318 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:25,720 Speaker 2: because I have to be mindful. And this is ingrained 319 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:29,080 Speaker 2: in me since I became famous at sixteen. I am 320 00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:32,960 Speaker 2: literally like out in public, people like, oh, it's so beautiful. 321 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:34,800 Speaker 2: We looked at that view. I'm like, no, I'm looking 322 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,000 Speaker 2: over there. I think someone's taking a picture. Oh no, 323 00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:41,080 Speaker 2: I hear the shutter. Oh be careful, like stand over here, 324 00:17:41,119 --> 00:17:48,640 Speaker 2: Like I'm constantly controlling what I can't control. But I understand. 325 00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:51,959 Speaker 2: But if I don't control it, it's even worse. 326 00:17:52,359 --> 00:17:53,600 Speaker 1: And what's happening? 327 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,880 Speaker 3: What's what's the worst that can happen if you try 328 00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:58,160 Speaker 3: to not control those situations? 329 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:01,640 Speaker 2: Ay, Google worst picture of Tory spelling, Like they want 330 00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:05,080 Speaker 2: to post the nastiest photos. So I'm like, but it's 331 00:18:05,119 --> 00:18:06,280 Speaker 2: out that's. 332 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:08,920 Speaker 1: Just assume that those pictures are out there. Your top 333 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:12,080 Speaker 1: five worst pictures are like actively out there. 334 00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:16,000 Speaker 3: Don't google them people, but they're out there, So what 335 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:19,760 Speaker 3: could be what could really be? I mean, if that, 336 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,160 Speaker 3: for you is what you're concerned about, and the other 337 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:26,040 Speaker 3: the alternative is that you are looking at the view, 338 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,480 Speaker 3: or you're looking at your at your you know, your 339 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:31,800 Speaker 3: date space, or you're actually having a conversation over something. 340 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:36,679 Speaker 3: It seems like that could outweigh. I mean, the pros 341 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:40,240 Speaker 3: could outweigh the cons when it comes to that. But 342 00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:42,280 Speaker 3: but you mentioned that was baggage, so I get it. 343 00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:47,040 Speaker 3: You're saying like this is a problem. The other parts 344 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:49,400 Speaker 3: of it. You know, again, these are all things that. 345 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:52,080 Speaker 2: Like they would mark me heavy when it went through, 346 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:56,280 Speaker 2: like at the airport, heavy baggage. 347 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:59,440 Speaker 1: Heavy baggage. So that's the other piece. 348 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:03,480 Speaker 3: Everybody has some level of baggage, some weight of baggage. 349 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:05,240 Speaker 3: What are you doing to work through it? Because that's 350 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:07,800 Speaker 3: the only other thing that we can ask besides not 351 00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:11,000 Speaker 3: having baggage, and who doesn't at fifty one? Right, But 352 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:13,199 Speaker 3: then on top of that, what are you doing to 353 00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:13,760 Speaker 3: work through it? 354 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:17,679 Speaker 2: Well, I mean it is what it is. People can google, 355 00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:21,000 Speaker 2: they know what they know. I'm fifty one. I could 356 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:24,160 Speaker 2: cut down the animals. That was a way of self 357 00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:30,000 Speaker 2: soothing through the marriage was taking on more chaos. 358 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:32,200 Speaker 1: Like you want to love something, you want to save something. 359 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:36,239 Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, doctor V. That's my biggest problem in 360 00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:39,920 Speaker 2: life is I want to save them? Well I can't. 361 00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:45,359 Speaker 3: When you're dealing with grown adult men who don't want saving, 362 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:48,080 Speaker 3: then they're just going to see that as a liability. 363 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:49,280 Speaker 1: They're not going to see that as a. 364 00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:55,720 Speaker 3: Strength, and unfortunately for them, they're missing out on someone. 365 00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:58,320 Speaker 2: That has ability like tax evasion or like a liability, 366 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:01,560 Speaker 2: my ability. 367 00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:05,240 Speaker 3: Like something they want to avoid. But you know, it's 368 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,280 Speaker 3: part of your makeup to want to be a nurture 369 00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:10,240 Speaker 3: and to want to save again. That might be something 370 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:12,480 Speaker 3: to work on, is letting go of you don't need 371 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:14,880 Speaker 3: to save everyone. Maybe the person that needs saving right 372 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:18,080 Speaker 3: now at this time of life is you and the 373 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:21,280 Speaker 3: people around you who love you want you to give 374 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:24,000 Speaker 3: yourself that attention and to hold yourself and to be 375 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:26,080 Speaker 3: there for yourself because they want to see you happy 376 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:29,640 Speaker 3: ultimately and to thrive beyond all of this. 377 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,520 Speaker 2: Okay, can we move on to intimacy. 378 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:38,200 Speaker 1: Let's do it, but not the intimacy view, but let's 379 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:39,360 Speaker 1: talk about it. 380 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:47,160 Speaker 2: I'm like cool, let's skirt around it. Can you tell 381 00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:52,240 Speaker 2: me the difference between Actually, we've talked about love, we've 382 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:56,720 Speaker 2: talked about passion. Where does infatuation stand with all this? 383 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:04,000 Speaker 2: So there's something called new really relationship energy and honeymoon period. 384 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:09,200 Speaker 3: That honeymoon period, but even more like short term than that, 385 00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:14,440 Speaker 3: is this thing where every part of your body and 386 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:18,440 Speaker 3: all of the chemicals and all that are just going 387 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:24,399 Speaker 3: towards your partnership, especially sexually, and that does tend to 388 00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:29,199 Speaker 3: go away. Passion tends to dive in brain that just 389 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:32,320 Speaker 3: doesn't experience it to that same extent, And a lot 390 00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:34,840 Speaker 3: of people really struggle with that transition, so they'll either 391 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:37,159 Speaker 3: break up at that point or they'll go into something 392 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,439 Speaker 3: that is like really dissatisfying. 393 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:45,000 Speaker 1: But infatuation, I think what it does is it helps you. 394 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,760 Speaker 3: To focus in a world where it's really hard to 395 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:51,320 Speaker 3: focus on one person. It's really hard to give one 396 00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:53,720 Speaker 3: person a lot of attention. It's almost like a little 397 00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:56,879 Speaker 3: bit of like imprinting, right, Like when you first get 398 00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:00,960 Speaker 3: your newest member of the family and four legged one 399 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:03,320 Speaker 3: and you're just like, oh my gosh, and we need 400 00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:03,879 Speaker 3: you know. 401 00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:07,320 Speaker 1: All the focuses are what are little rovers needs? Right? 402 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:10,080 Speaker 1: Did they have this did they have? How are they 403 00:22:10,119 --> 00:22:12,439 Speaker 1: doing with the other dogs? And they like stand out. 404 00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:14,760 Speaker 3: There like they've got that magnifying glass and they've got 405 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:18,520 Speaker 3: the spotlight on them. That doesn't always last, right, And 406 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:21,080 Speaker 3: not that you stop caring, but you stop caring to 407 00:22:21,119 --> 00:22:25,720 Speaker 3: that degree. So I'm a big fan of just accepting 408 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:28,600 Speaker 3: that new relationship energy is there as a gift to 409 00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:31,520 Speaker 3: give you kind of blinders to that one person. But 410 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:34,679 Speaker 3: I'm not a fan of what most happens to most people, 411 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:38,040 Speaker 3: which is that as that new relationship energy starts to 412 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:41,120 Speaker 3: fade away, they don't get ready for the next phase. 413 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:45,240 Speaker 3: They don't prepare themselves for that more long term lasting 414 00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:47,760 Speaker 3: commitment connection and of course intimacy. 415 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:51,919 Speaker 2: Do you feel like then it would be better to 416 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:57,240 Speaker 2: connect with someone emotionally mentally and the bonus is that 417 00:22:57,280 --> 00:23:00,720 Speaker 2: you're physically attracted to them, because that part might fade away, 418 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:01,679 Speaker 2: but the other won't. 419 00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:05,240 Speaker 3: So I wish that it was as easy as saying, 420 00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:08,320 Speaker 3: connect with somebody emotionally, the physical will come. 421 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:10,440 Speaker 1: That's not usually the case. 422 00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:12,479 Speaker 3: We have to be working on both of them in 423 00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:16,439 Speaker 3: tandem and know that you're probably going to end up 424 00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:19,440 Speaker 3: being with somebody who feels the opposite of you. Most 425 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:23,639 Speaker 3: people have one personic relationship where they need the emotions 426 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:26,040 Speaker 3: to be there in order to want the physical, and 427 00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:29,400 Speaker 3: then they're with someone who needs the physical in order 428 00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:32,400 Speaker 3: for the emotions to show up. So just know that 429 00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:36,000 Speaker 3: that's probably the case and accept it, and I just 430 00:23:36,119 --> 00:23:38,119 Speaker 3: know that to be fact, and you'll be in a 431 00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:38,920 Speaker 3: much better place. 432 00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:41,240 Speaker 2: That's like opposite attract. 433 00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:44,560 Speaker 1: I don't know that it's opposites attract. 434 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:48,440 Speaker 2: It's more like neat opposite needs attract. 435 00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:53,520 Speaker 1: Opposite needs tend to attract. Yeah, opposite needs to tend 436 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:54,040 Speaker 1: to attract. 437 00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:57,400 Speaker 3: But the problem is it can feel very almost like 438 00:23:57,720 --> 00:23:59,920 Speaker 3: a lot of people feel very judgmental, or they feel 439 00:24:00,119 --> 00:24:01,880 Speaker 3: sour towards the other person if. 440 00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,360 Speaker 1: They think differently. You know, I don't know if you've 441 00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:07,040 Speaker 1: ever experienced us with friends or even with partners, where 442 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:11,600 Speaker 1: somebody who seems to always want the physical, we tend 443 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:16,040 Speaker 1: to like we tend to kind of knock them aside 444 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:19,480 Speaker 1: or knock them down by telling them like, oh that 445 00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:22,800 Speaker 1: you're so juvenile, like you know, gosh, you're all about sex, 446 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:26,040 Speaker 1: Like what's really important is what's happening between us on 447 00:24:26,119 --> 00:24:29,600 Speaker 1: the inside. But to them, that is not the truth 448 00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:30,120 Speaker 1: to them. 449 00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:33,960 Speaker 3: Their truth is I need the physical and it gives me, 450 00:24:34,119 --> 00:24:35,919 Speaker 3: It makes me bond it to you, it makes me 451 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:39,840 Speaker 3: you know. It's like the four intimacy styles my book, bonding, release, giving, 452 00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:40,520 Speaker 3: and responsive. 453 00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:44,440 Speaker 2: Those bonding people sorry through it again, bonding. 454 00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:51,040 Speaker 1: Bonding, release, being and responsive. And people who are bonding, 455 00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:55,359 Speaker 1: what they need from a relationship, from an intimate relationship 456 00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:59,760 Speaker 1: is they need to experience physical interaction in order to 457 00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:04,280 Speaker 1: feel the bonding that comes from it. And so for them, 458 00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:07,240 Speaker 1: not having sex or having sex very rarely means they 459 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:11,200 Speaker 1: feel disconnected emotionally from their partner, so it's super important 460 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:14,760 Speaker 1: to them. And then with release, people who are predominantly 461 00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:17,320 Speaker 1: released will feel like, oh my gosh, I need sex 462 00:25:17,359 --> 00:25:19,640 Speaker 1: because I need that release of tension. I need that pleasure. 463 00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:21,520 Speaker 1: I want that experience through my body. 464 00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:24,200 Speaker 3: I want like it's how I can get through tough 465 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:26,920 Speaker 3: times in my life. And then to attribute it to 466 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:29,199 Speaker 3: their partner, it's like, oh, thank you for giving me that. 467 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:33,880 Speaker 1: Now giving they need that, They need. 468 00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:36,480 Speaker 3: To be able to give pleasure and have their partner 469 00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:40,119 Speaker 3: associate them with that pleasure. It's almost like a badge 470 00:25:40,119 --> 00:25:43,280 Speaker 3: of honor. It feels, oh, I can just do this for. 471 00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:46,160 Speaker 1: You all day. They feel so at ease and at 472 00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:49,720 Speaker 1: home with giving pleasure now responsives, they tend to be 473 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:56,760 Speaker 1: the ones that are least least liked, but they're probably 474 00:25:56,800 --> 00:26:01,800 Speaker 1: the most out there responsive. They tend to not think 475 00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:05,199 Speaker 1: about sex on a regular basis. It's usually just in 476 00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:08,640 Speaker 1: response to their partner saying they'd like it. They enjoy it, 477 00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:09,640 Speaker 1: they're up for it. 478 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:11,920 Speaker 3: While they're having it, they're having a good time, and 479 00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:14,159 Speaker 3: they're probably thinking, gosh, we should do that more often. 480 00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,919 Speaker 3: But as soon as the sexual experience is over, they 481 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:20,520 Speaker 3: kind of reset to not thinking about sex. And so 482 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:23,240 Speaker 3: a lot of them can be misconstrued as not having 483 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:25,960 Speaker 3: desire and having low desire, but that's not true. 484 00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:30,080 Speaker 1: They just don't have at present all the time. And yeah, 485 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:31,680 Speaker 1: it's great. You can take the quiz online. 486 00:26:32,119 --> 00:26:35,920 Speaker 3: It's four intimacy styles quidz dot com and it'll tell 487 00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:38,479 Speaker 3: you what percentage of each And my hope is that 488 00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:41,440 Speaker 3: to round out your intimacy style, you experience about twenty 489 00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:43,560 Speaker 3: five percent of each as often as possible. 490 00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:54,960 Speaker 2: Ooh amazing, I can't wait to take it. One last 491 00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:59,119 Speaker 2: question and maybe this isn't the case. I feel like 492 00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:05,399 Speaker 2: in life life Females are conditioned to think if a 493 00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:09,040 Speaker 2: man responds to them sexually, and it should be like, 494 00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:11,320 Speaker 2: WHI isn't he want to make out with me? Why 495 00:27:11,359 --> 00:27:12,840 Speaker 2: isn't you want to kiss me? Why does he want 496 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:16,359 Speaker 2: to have sex with me all the time? Or it. 497 00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:19,040 Speaker 2: We're conditioned to feel like, oh, he doesn't want me. 498 00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:23,720 Speaker 2: I'm not desirable, He's not attracted to me. Why is 499 00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:24,800 Speaker 2: that tory? 500 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:28,000 Speaker 3: That is exactly what I'm teaching a masterclass on on 501 00:27:28,119 --> 00:27:29,840 Speaker 3: June tenth at twelve thirty. 502 00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:32,720 Speaker 1: It's online spree. You've got to check it out. 503 00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:37,000 Speaker 3: A lot of people think that that is only something 504 00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:40,240 Speaker 3: that women experience, that if their partners aren't showing interest 505 00:27:40,359 --> 00:27:43,199 Speaker 3: in them, it's like, what's wrong with my partner? A 506 00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:47,080 Speaker 3: lot of men they need that in long term relationships. 507 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:49,920 Speaker 3: If they're in a a monogamous relationship, they also need 508 00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:52,800 Speaker 3: that attention from their partners. But like you said, women 509 00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:55,919 Speaker 3: aren't socialized to give that. We're socialized to receive it. 510 00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:57,640 Speaker 3: We're socialized to pursue it. 511 00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:00,720 Speaker 1: And you're right, a lot of people take it very 512 00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:04,480 Speaker 1: personally when their partners aren't showing that they're sexually interested. 513 00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:08,200 Speaker 1: I call that pillow talk. Outside of the bedroom. 514 00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:10,840 Speaker 3: I want everyone to be showing their partner that they're 515 00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:13,280 Speaker 3: sexually interested in them. Of course, it has to be 516 00:28:13,359 --> 00:28:16,600 Speaker 3: appropriate for the setting, but it needs to happen or 517 00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:18,880 Speaker 3: else it can feel like you're an on and off 518 00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:20,200 Speaker 3: switch when it comes to sex. 519 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:22,720 Speaker 1: Or I can feel like your partners, you know, come 520 00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:24,040 Speaker 1: ons are coming out of nowhere. 521 00:28:24,359 --> 00:28:26,000 Speaker 3: Or I can feel like you're going from cold to 522 00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:28,199 Speaker 3: hot and that's just not sexy me. 523 00:28:28,359 --> 00:28:32,040 Speaker 2: Is that weird that I'd prefer to be connected mentally 524 00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:36,959 Speaker 2: and stimulated that way as opposed to not prefer but 525 00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:42,320 Speaker 2: like that would be my ideal rather than physically. Like 526 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:45,640 Speaker 2: I feel like that's great, we should connect my partner 527 00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:50,320 Speaker 2: and I physically, But that's not my top priority, never was, 528 00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:54,280 Speaker 2: except I always grew up thinking, you know, female is sexy. 529 00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:55,960 Speaker 2: Men are supposed to you know, we're supposed to be 530 00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:59,400 Speaker 2: like giggly and gurly and like show off for assets 531 00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:02,040 Speaker 2: and they want to yes, So it's. 532 00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:03,280 Speaker 1: Not weird at all. 533 00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:05,720 Speaker 3: It's actually you know, like I said, there are just 534 00:29:05,800 --> 00:29:07,720 Speaker 3: as many people who feel the way that you do 535 00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:10,480 Speaker 3: as there are that need the physical to get there. 536 00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:12,960 Speaker 1: But what's more important. 537 00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:16,920 Speaker 3: I think having been seeing clients for the best twenty 538 00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:20,200 Speaker 3: years plus is to know and to be aware of 539 00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:22,880 Speaker 3: the fact that if you're not showing your partner that 540 00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:27,760 Speaker 3: you're sexually interested in, then then something's missing and it 541 00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:31,080 Speaker 3: can't just happen through sex. You cannot just show someone 542 00:29:31,080 --> 00:29:34,800 Speaker 3: that you think they're sexually interested or interesting through sex. 543 00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:36,800 Speaker 3: Like that's just not going to be for a long 544 00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:40,120 Speaker 3: term committed relationship. It's just not going to work out well. 545 00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:43,680 Speaker 3: But the emotional side that you're talking about, there are 546 00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:46,400 Speaker 3: ways to do that every single day as well. Speaking 547 00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:49,560 Speaker 3: each other's love language, showing interest in you and what's 548 00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:52,960 Speaker 3: going on with you. That's important too. It's just that 549 00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:56,120 Speaker 3: there are lots there's lots of information about that online 550 00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:58,920 Speaker 3: and out there. I'm trying to answer the question that 551 00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:01,200 Speaker 3: most of my clients have is like, I know my 552 00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:02,840 Speaker 3: love language, but what about sex? 553 00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:03,680 Speaker 1: And I'm like, I got you. 554 00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:08,680 Speaker 2: Do you believe truly that monogamy is natural? 555 00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:11,760 Speaker 1: I do not. I do not. 556 00:30:12,080 --> 00:30:16,120 Speaker 3: I think it's incredibly difficult and if and I feel 557 00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:18,440 Speaker 3: like in our world it just gets more and more challenging. 558 00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:20,800 Speaker 3: And that's why I think it's so important to honor 559 00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:26,640 Speaker 3: different ways that people experience love and connection and all 560 00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:32,560 Speaker 3: of that, but we're still typically in an area of 561 00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:35,640 Speaker 3: the world that believes in monogamy as being, you know, 562 00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:39,680 Speaker 3: the most the way to do relationships. And if you 563 00:30:40,120 --> 00:30:42,800 Speaker 3: subscribe to that, and if you want that, then there 564 00:30:42,840 --> 00:30:44,720 Speaker 3: are certain things that you're going to have to do 565 00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:48,440 Speaker 3: differently and with more passion and more diligence, like the 566 00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:52,479 Speaker 3: pillow talk, like learning your intimacy styles, like doing the work. 567 00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:54,240 Speaker 1: If you're going to stay together. 568 00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:56,560 Speaker 2: Can the pillows be satin? Because I don't want to 569 00:30:56,680 --> 00:31:01,200 Speaker 2: increase this in my face in the hair definitely frizzes 570 00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:01,600 Speaker 2: it out. 571 00:31:02,520 --> 00:31:02,680 Speaker 1: Yeah. 572 00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:06,240 Speaker 2: I feel like in I don't know, twenty years, thirty years, 573 00:31:06,280 --> 00:31:08,800 Speaker 2: like monogamy is going to be an archaic word that 574 00:31:08,840 --> 00:31:14,040 Speaker 2: we're like, oh, yeah, I think that's something cute. I've dated. 575 00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:16,720 Speaker 3: But a lot of people, and I see them in 576 00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:19,239 Speaker 3: my office a lot too, they don't know how to 577 00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:22,360 Speaker 3: have those conversations. And I would suggest that you do 578 00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:24,720 Speaker 3: it with a professional and that you ask because you 579 00:31:24,760 --> 00:31:26,920 Speaker 3: don't know what you don't know, and it can be 580 00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:30,280 Speaker 3: very hurtful if you don't kind of do it the 581 00:31:30,400 --> 00:31:33,880 Speaker 3: right way versus just being like, let's try it. 582 00:31:33,880 --> 00:31:36,680 Speaker 1: It's like with anal sex you can't just try anal sex. 583 00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:38,520 Speaker 1: You have to prepare your body in order for it 584 00:31:38,560 --> 00:31:38,800 Speaker 1: to go. 585 00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:42,840 Speaker 2: Well, you have to go. And you just opened up 586 00:31:42,840 --> 00:31:44,720 Speaker 2: a whole can of worms. Because I could talk about 587 00:31:44,760 --> 00:31:54,480 Speaker 2: that all day. So everyone, check out doctor V's Masterclass June. 588 00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:57,440 Speaker 3: Tenth at twelve thirty Central and you can sign up 589 00:31:57,520 --> 00:31:59,600 Speaker 3: for free. It's a live online class. 590 00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:03,240 Speaker 1: I'll be there at pillow talkmasterclass dot com. 591 00:32:03,280 --> 00:32:05,800 Speaker 2: You are amazing. I could talk to you all day, 592 00:32:06,280 --> 00:32:11,480 Speaker 2: uh so, and one day can we have that that 593 00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:12,920 Speaker 2: anal conversation? 594 00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:17,360 Speaker 3: Absolutely, Tori, we can have that anal conversation whenever you want. 595 00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:19,280 Speaker 1: H