1 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:10,000 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties podcast, 2 00:00:10,039 --> 00:00:12,319 Speaker 1: where we talk through some of the big changes and 3 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:15,880 Speaker 1: transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. 4 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:25,320 Speaker 1: Hello everyone, welcome back for another episode, and if you're 5 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:29,080 Speaker 1: new here, welcome, Welcome to the show, Welcome to the podcast. 6 00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:33,600 Speaker 1: It has been a crazy week, big week, just been 7 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:39,560 Speaker 1: working a little butt off. But a really nice surprise 8 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:44,440 Speaker 1: was that we reached two hundred or so when I'm 9 00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:49,240 Speaker 1: recording this, two hundred ratings on Spotify, which was such 10 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:53,640 Speaker 1: a lovely surprise to see. So as always, thank you 11 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:57,319 Speaker 1: to those who feel called to leave a review, leave 12 00:00:57,360 --> 00:01:00,480 Speaker 1: a five star review on the platform that you're listening. 13 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:04,319 Speaker 1: It really helps the podcast grow and it really makes 14 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:07,320 Speaker 1: my day when I check on it and see that 15 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:10,600 Speaker 1: there is an audience out there of people who are listening, 16 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:15,120 Speaker 1: because often it's just me and my bed and in 17 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:18,760 Speaker 1: my room doing this by myself. So yeah, I just 18 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:21,840 Speaker 1: wanted to say before we get into this episode, just 19 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:26,640 Speaker 1: thank you for all the support. But with that aside, 20 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:30,839 Speaker 1: I also want to thank one of my wonderful listeners 21 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:34,600 Speaker 1: who reached out on Instagram to prompt this episode from me. 22 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:38,680 Speaker 1: I have been thinking about doing an episode about this 23 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:43,400 Speaker 1: topic for a while. I think it's really really pertinent 24 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:46,640 Speaker 1: to our twenties. I'd even written a script awhile back 25 00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:49,120 Speaker 1: at the start of the year when I was going 26 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:52,840 Speaker 1: through one of these situations of my own, but I 27 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:55,480 Speaker 1: think it needed some time before I wanted to talk 28 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:59,240 Speaker 1: about it on the pod and to do my research 29 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:03,240 Speaker 1: with a logical, psychological spin on it, not an emotional perspective, 30 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:06,400 Speaker 1: and I think that time has come. So thank you 31 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:08,080 Speaker 1: to that person who reached out and was like, I 32 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:10,160 Speaker 1: want to hear about this. We want to hear about this, 33 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:13,960 Speaker 1: because I was feeling a little bit nervous and shy 34 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:18,119 Speaker 1: about talking about something sensitive, like there's something that I've 35 00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:22,040 Speaker 1: been through. So hopefully it brings you some enjoyment, brings 36 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:27,079 Speaker 1: you some wisdom. Without further ado, today we are going 37 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:32,800 Speaker 1: to be talking about situation ships, a seemingly inexcapable part 38 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:36,080 Speaker 1: of the dating landscape and the dating scene in our twenties, 39 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:40,320 Speaker 1: I think, a universally different and misunderstood and confusing and 40 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:43,760 Speaker 1: in my opinion, to be avoided at all costs. If 41 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:45,840 Speaker 1: you're the type of person that I am, so if 42 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:49,000 Speaker 1: you are currently in a situation ship, or think that 43 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:52,000 Speaker 1: you might be, or you're struggling to get over one. 44 00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:56,000 Speaker 1: I understand this episode is for you. I've been there, 45 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:58,880 Speaker 1: done that a few times. Actually, you think that I 46 00:02:58,919 --> 00:03:01,760 Speaker 1: would have learned my lesson by now, But from that 47 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:04,120 Speaker 1: I do have, you know, a little bit of maybe 48 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:08,560 Speaker 1: wisdom and a new view on romance to give to 49 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,519 Speaker 1: you all if you want to hear it. I will 50 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:15,320 Speaker 1: say my opinion on situation ships is not really pro 51 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:18,120 Speaker 1: It's not a positive opinion. But I do know that 52 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,919 Speaker 1: some people, when we're figuring out our dating goals, they 53 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:24,200 Speaker 1: can be a good option for some of you out 54 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:26,680 Speaker 1: there no strings detached, but you know you still get 55 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:30,200 Speaker 1: the company and sometimes the affection. But I'm coming at 56 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,200 Speaker 1: it from an angle of if you are in a 57 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:35,960 Speaker 1: situation and you don't want to be there anymore, and 58 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:38,640 Speaker 1: what you have with someone isn't satisfying you or your 59 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,800 Speaker 1: emotional leads, what I want to talk about is how 60 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:46,640 Speaker 1: do you manage to navigate that situation, establish good boundaries, 61 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:50,440 Speaker 1: no when to leave when the situation has become moldy 62 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:53,640 Speaker 1: and outdated and stagnant and is way past it's used 63 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:56,680 Speaker 1: by date, or it's a good by date, perhaps even 64 00:03:56,720 --> 00:04:01,720 Speaker 1: when it becomes toxic for you emotionally, And also how 65 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:04,040 Speaker 1: do we avoid them in the first place, so that 66 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:06,720 Speaker 1: we don't kind of have these dilemmas. If you're someone 67 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:11,720 Speaker 1: who isn't really happy being in that weird casual space, 68 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:15,960 Speaker 1: you'd either just be completely you know nothing, or you 69 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:19,920 Speaker 1: would want a relationship for someone or from someone. How 70 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:23,320 Speaker 1: as an individual who knows that about themselves, do you 71 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:26,279 Speaker 1: navigate the situation? So we're going to cover all of that, 72 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:30,120 Speaker 1: and of course some of the psychology behind why situationships 73 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:32,920 Speaker 1: can be so empty and difficult, and why you might 74 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:35,720 Speaker 1: be finding yourself kind of in a cycle unable to 75 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:39,280 Speaker 1: stay completely casual in your dating life, but also unable 76 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:43,000 Speaker 1: to progress your relationships to the point where they are 77 00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:46,839 Speaker 1: exactly that their relationships, which hopefully have loyalty and trust, 78 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:52,640 Speaker 1: compassion and commitment and of course respect. So let's get 79 00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:54,680 Speaker 1: into it, because, as I'm sure you've gathered, we have 80 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:56,760 Speaker 1: a lot to talk about and I have a lot 81 00:04:56,800 --> 00:05:05,520 Speaker 1: to share, Okay, So, as we always do in these episodes, 82 00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:08,000 Speaker 1: let's start with the objective facts and some of the 83 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:12,240 Speaker 1: background information about our topic of the week, about situation ships. 84 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:15,440 Speaker 1: So what is this what is this term? It has 85 00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:17,640 Speaker 1: become I think someone of a new term in the 86 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:20,920 Speaker 1: last four or five years, part of our shared language. 87 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:24,000 Speaker 1: Even my mum knows what this means now, but for 88 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:26,360 Speaker 1: those of you who don't or who might have another 89 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:30,680 Speaker 1: name for it, Essentially, a situationship is a romantic or 90 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:35,560 Speaker 1: sexual relationship that's not considered to be formal or established 91 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:39,839 Speaker 1: or have commitment. So I think it's culturally our kind 92 00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:45,280 Speaker 1: of expectations and understanding of relationship has changed. People are 93 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:48,080 Speaker 1: getting married later in life, women no longer need the 94 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:52,440 Speaker 1: protection of marriage, and we've had this kind of sexual 95 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:57,039 Speaker 1: revolution where casual sex and casual dating is a lot 96 00:05:57,120 --> 00:06:01,160 Speaker 1: more I don't know, a lot more prominent but accepted, 97 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:05,320 Speaker 1: and many people are eager to explore relationships in a 98 00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:09,520 Speaker 1: less structured way without pressure to commit in their kind 99 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:12,520 Speaker 1: of twenties and maybe even into their thirties, as we 100 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:16,920 Speaker 1: prioritize self knowledge and developing as individuals and figuring out 101 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:21,320 Speaker 1: what we want. I think, on one hand, they can 102 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:25,280 Speaker 1: be really beneficial. You remove the pressure of putting parameters 103 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:28,720 Speaker 1: on what your relationship is, and it can be really 104 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:32,039 Speaker 1: freeing and allow you to explore what's out there allow 105 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:36,359 Speaker 1: you to get to know the person before committing, but 106 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:40,040 Speaker 1: I think that comes with the condition that they are 107 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:44,479 Speaker 1: only going to stay healthy and be good for both 108 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:48,320 Speaker 1: people if both members of the situation ships are okay 109 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:52,159 Speaker 1: with leaving things open. On the flip side, I think 110 00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:56,000 Speaker 1: not knowing where you stand with someone. Having one person 111 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:59,000 Speaker 1: who is looking to push things forward emotionally whilst the 112 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,039 Speaker 1: other one might be really closed off, can be really 113 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:06,800 Speaker 1: detrimental and difficult, especially if one party wants more of 114 00:07:06,839 --> 00:07:10,360 Speaker 1: a commitment. And I think this vagueness, in my experience, 115 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:15,760 Speaker 1: can often leave you feeling really anxious and frustrated and uncertain, 116 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:20,080 Speaker 1: kind of depressed and really low on yourself. If you've 117 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,840 Speaker 1: put a lot of effort into someone, if you're thinking 118 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:26,800 Speaker 1: that you're developing this really amazing emotional and sexual and 119 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:30,720 Speaker 1: physical and social bond and the other person really isn't 120 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,880 Speaker 1: on the same page, it can be really really difficult. 121 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:38,400 Speaker 1: Like I said, I've been there, especially at the start 122 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:40,520 Speaker 1: of this year and the end of last year. I 123 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:44,080 Speaker 1: was like going through this and it fucking sucked. It 124 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:47,360 Speaker 1: was a really terrible situation. And I think with the 125 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:49,880 Speaker 1: hindsight I have now, I probably wouldn't do it again, 126 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:53,520 Speaker 1: and I'm guessing a few people are probably listening to 127 00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:57,200 Speaker 1: figure out if what they're going through right now is 128 00:07:57,240 --> 00:08:00,400 Speaker 1: a situationship or maybe just the beginnings of, you know, 129 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,040 Speaker 1: something that is committed just early days. Those are two 130 00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:07,040 Speaker 1: separate things that I really want to distinguish between. I 131 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:12,520 Speaker 1: think situationships fall on a different plane of the relationship spectrum. 132 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:16,440 Speaker 1: So let's get into some detail about their characteristics to 133 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:19,600 Speaker 1: make this more clear. Hopefully this is helpful if you 134 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:23,920 Speaker 1: are in that keep saying situation, but in that space 135 00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:27,280 Speaker 1: where things are really ambiguous. You don't know if things 136 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:30,720 Speaker 1: are going towards something that's committed, perhaps that's what you want, 137 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:33,120 Speaker 1: or if this person is just leading you on. So 138 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:37,360 Speaker 1: some of the kind of defining features of a situationship, 139 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:42,559 Speaker 1: it's kind of that they'll feel really undefined. There's no consistency, 140 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:46,080 Speaker 1: there's no mention of the future. For me, a big 141 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:50,600 Speaker 1: part of it was it's based on convenience and the 142 00:08:50,679 --> 00:08:55,040 Speaker 1: relationship is obviously not exclusive. So I think, first of all, 143 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:59,040 Speaker 1: if your relationship is undefined, it's pretty easy to tell 144 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:00,839 Speaker 1: you may not have had the kind of what are 145 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:05,040 Speaker 1: we conversation to define the relationship You haven't said expectations 146 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:08,280 Speaker 1: or outline kind of boundaries you might be sleeping with 147 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:11,520 Speaker 1: other people. In some instances, it might just feel like 148 00:09:11,559 --> 00:09:13,640 Speaker 1: it's too early to have that conversation, or you might 149 00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:16,320 Speaker 1: not feel like bringing it up. But I think after 150 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:20,400 Speaker 1: you know, I saw this really interesting TikTok. I know 151 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:22,440 Speaker 1: I was going to try and say article, but we 152 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:24,520 Speaker 1: all know it's not true. I saw an interesting TikTok. 153 00:09:24,559 --> 00:09:26,760 Speaker 1: And it's like the three month rule. If you've been 154 00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:30,079 Speaker 1: seeing someone for three months and you still don't know 155 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:33,200 Speaker 1: where you stand, I'm guessing it's probably not going anywhere, 156 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:37,040 Speaker 1: and you're probably in a really ill defined, ambiguous space 157 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:41,559 Speaker 1: between just being you know, fuck body, so just sleeping 158 00:09:41,559 --> 00:09:44,640 Speaker 1: with each other and being in a relationship. Another key 159 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:46,800 Speaker 1: feature that I often found was it that it just 160 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:51,319 Speaker 1: isn't any consistency. A lack of consistency from another person 161 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:54,280 Speaker 1: or perhaps from yourself not feeling like you want to 162 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:57,360 Speaker 1: be consistent with someone is a major sign that you're 163 00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:00,320 Speaker 1: probably in a situation ship, and it can be to 164 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:03,200 Speaker 1: know what to expect from a potential partner. You know. 165 00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:06,120 Speaker 1: For instance, there are some people who just take a 166 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:10,880 Speaker 1: while to respond to texts or who are just you know, 167 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:12,960 Speaker 1: don't want to see you all the time, who are 168 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:16,000 Speaker 1: happy just seeing the person they're seeing you know once 169 00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:19,360 Speaker 1: or twice a week. But that if there isn't like 170 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:22,360 Speaker 1: a consistent pattern, and if you're left feeling like your 171 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:25,880 Speaker 1: needs are unmet, that you would want more and they're 172 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:28,600 Speaker 1: not really reciprocating on that. If you've had that conversation, 173 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:32,880 Speaker 1: it's likely that this is not an established relationship. It's 174 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,920 Speaker 1: probably not going to get there in the future. The 175 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:41,280 Speaker 1: connection is also likely really superficial. You might spend a 176 00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:43,560 Speaker 1: lot of time with this person, you might sleep with 177 00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:46,080 Speaker 1: this person, you might know their friends and their family, 178 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:50,960 Speaker 1: but there isn't that deep emotional connection. You might not 179 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:53,800 Speaker 1: be able to actually talk to them about real things. 180 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:56,559 Speaker 1: You don't feel that you could be vulnerable and in 181 00:10:56,600 --> 00:11:00,160 Speaker 1: that state be respected by that person. That was something 182 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,840 Speaker 1: that I really noticed was that although I was seeing 183 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:07,920 Speaker 1: this person all the time, I felt incredibly uncomfortable ever 184 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:11,920 Speaker 1: having difficult conversations with them, or if I did tell 185 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,720 Speaker 1: them something that was difficult or vulnerable, I didn't really 186 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:19,000 Speaker 1: feel heard because we didn't have a deep sense of well, 187 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:20,880 Speaker 1: I didn't have a deep sense of trust. I knew 188 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:23,880 Speaker 1: that this person didn't really care about me and wasn't 189 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:27,040 Speaker 1: going to be in my life for the foreseeable future. 190 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:32,280 Speaker 1: So that connection being superficials probably also a big indicator 191 00:11:32,679 --> 00:11:35,240 Speaker 1: a couple of these other features. And there was this 192 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:40,120 Speaker 1: really interesting psychologist, doctor Romanov, and they do a lot 193 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:44,000 Speaker 1: of work around relationship psychology and the types of relationships 194 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:48,280 Speaker 1: that are more present and prevalent in twenty first century society. 195 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:52,120 Speaker 1: They also listed a few others. It's based on convenience. 196 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:55,120 Speaker 1: You know, it might just be because you guys work together, 197 00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:59,600 Speaker 1: or you have the same schedule, or you're both each 198 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:05,080 Speaker 1: other's rebounds. The relationship is not exclusive, and I think 199 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:09,840 Speaker 1: it becomes particularly hard when one person, either consciously or not, 200 00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:12,360 Speaker 1: is not seeing other people and not sleeping with other 201 00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:16,559 Speaker 1: people and the other person is, because then it's obviously 202 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:20,439 Speaker 1: very much a one sided street. There's not much follow 203 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:24,160 Speaker 1: up from your partner, and yeah, you don't feel like 204 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:27,079 Speaker 1: there's a future, you don't feel like you can trust them, 205 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:30,160 Speaker 1: you're scared of having that conversation because you know what 206 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:34,280 Speaker 1: the answer will be. Those kind of all indicators of 207 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:39,800 Speaker 1: a real casual relationship that probably isn't going anywhere. This 208 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,480 Speaker 1: has been very negative so far. I understand, and I think, 209 00:12:42,559 --> 00:12:45,480 Speaker 1: like I said at the beginning, a disclaimer, I think 210 00:12:45,559 --> 00:12:51,440 Speaker 1: that for people who know themselves as wanting commitment or 211 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:54,719 Speaker 1: at least wanting something either on one end of the 212 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:57,840 Speaker 1: spectrum being super casual just hooking up, or they want 213 00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:02,480 Speaker 1: the real deal, situationships are kind of the worst deal 214 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:05,440 Speaker 1: for those kind of individuals because although it's giving you 215 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,480 Speaker 1: the sense of it going somewhere and you're getting that 216 00:13:08,559 --> 00:13:12,160 Speaker 1: kind of sex element, you're getting that physical intimacy, it's 217 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:16,800 Speaker 1: in this weird gray area where it's neither here nor there. 218 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:20,720 Speaker 1: You're left feeling only partially satisfied. And there are definitely 219 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:24,080 Speaker 1: some benefits to this arrangement, I really acknowledge those. I 220 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:29,040 Speaker 1: think commitment and deep feelings can be really messy, and 221 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:31,640 Speaker 1: something that I definitely saw in people that I've been 222 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:35,040 Speaker 1: in situationships with is it vulnerability can be really hard 223 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:38,800 Speaker 1: for some people. That's not anyone's fault. Some people just 224 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:42,600 Speaker 1: aren't emotionally mature enough to or just aren't at that 225 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:45,040 Speaker 1: point in their life where they're willing to put all 226 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:47,240 Speaker 1: their cards on the table. Maybe you're just not the 227 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,920 Speaker 1: right person for them, and if you are young and 228 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,520 Speaker 1: wanting to see other people and meet people and have 229 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:57,480 Speaker 1: those exciting experiences. A situationship can give you the flexibility 230 00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:00,760 Speaker 1: whilst also not making you feel guilty or tied down. 231 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:03,920 Speaker 1: But in my experience, there is that one person who's 232 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:07,080 Speaker 1: always holding the other up, who's always a little bit 233 00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:11,920 Speaker 1: more hesitant about wanting to explore their dating priorities and 234 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:13,840 Speaker 1: kind of knows what they want. And if you know 235 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:18,120 Speaker 1: what you know what you want, being in this situation 236 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:20,680 Speaker 1: is probably not going to give you those benefits that 237 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:23,640 Speaker 1: it's giving the other person, and it will drain you. 238 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:26,280 Speaker 1: Those are something that's kind of one of those major 239 00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:30,400 Speaker 1: disadvantages is that there's two takes two people to form 240 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:34,680 Speaker 1: a relationship, even a situationship, and our priorities and our 241 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:38,880 Speaker 1: expectations around who we're connected with and the level and 242 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:42,920 Speaker 1: the deepness of that connection and not always going to 243 00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:48,680 Speaker 1: be the same. I just remember, actually, like this idea 244 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:52,080 Speaker 1: of your expectations differing and not having a conversation around 245 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:54,840 Speaker 1: them just reminds me of this time I went on 246 00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:56,760 Speaker 1: a trip with this person that I was in like 247 00:14:56,760 --> 00:15:00,200 Speaker 1: a loose relationship with, and if I'm being honest, it 248 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:03,640 Speaker 1: was a really amazing trip. It was like so much fun. 249 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:05,600 Speaker 1: I think about it all the time. I had very 250 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:08,640 Speaker 1: fun feelings of it. I say that now, but I 251 00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:11,360 Speaker 1: remember also being really nervous and anxious before I was going. 252 00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:14,360 Speaker 1: I guess that's another sign that you're in a situation ship, 253 00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:18,000 Speaker 1: as if you feel anxious doing committed things with someone. 254 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:20,400 Speaker 1: But yeah, I was feeling super nervous because I wanted 255 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:22,880 Speaker 1: it to go well. But I really enjoyed this person's 256 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,320 Speaker 1: company and I wanted to have this experience with them. 257 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:29,840 Speaker 1: During this trip, I really realized that our expectations about 258 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:32,440 Speaker 1: what this meant for us or whatever we were doing 259 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,600 Speaker 1: was incredibly different. And I realized this when we were 260 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:40,240 Speaker 1: on we were driving back from this trip that bear 261 00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:43,400 Speaker 1: in mind, I basically paid for which I didn't mind 262 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,280 Speaker 1: at the time, but I'm never doing that again. I 263 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:48,360 Speaker 1: promise you don't ever give more than you are being given. 264 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:53,440 Speaker 1: But yet we were driving back and in this moment 265 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:56,600 Speaker 1: of vulnerability, I told this person that I was developing 266 00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,440 Speaker 1: really deep feelings for him, and you know, he was 267 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:03,440 Speaker 1: nice enough to acknowledge that and be kind about it, 268 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:07,560 Speaker 1: but maybe like ten minutes later, he just kind of 269 00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:10,080 Speaker 1: let it out that he was like going on a 270 00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:13,360 Speaker 1: date in the next few days with someone else, and 271 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:18,080 Speaker 1: it was the worst feeling like i'd been like genuinely, 272 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:20,160 Speaker 1: I think about it now, and it was like I 273 00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:22,240 Speaker 1: had been punched in the stomach. And that's when I 274 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:24,200 Speaker 1: should have known, and I should have called it quits, 275 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:27,680 Speaker 1: if I'd had enough sense, because that's the danger with 276 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:32,400 Speaker 1: a dynamic like this. People do not develop emotions and 277 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:37,600 Speaker 1: feelings at the same pace, and our expectations will differ. 278 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,480 Speaker 1: People aren't going to experience the same events and the 279 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:43,840 Speaker 1: same moments and see the relationship in the same light. 280 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:48,320 Speaker 1: So I think the biggest problem is that when there 281 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:52,920 Speaker 1: isn't an agreement on the dynamics in your relationship, you'll 282 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:55,400 Speaker 1: often see that one person might want it to grow 283 00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:57,720 Speaker 1: and be more and the other person just isn't willing 284 00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:00,440 Speaker 1: to give that. I think it can also be really 285 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:04,639 Speaker 1: stressful to be in an ill defined relationship without stability 286 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:09,359 Speaker 1: or consistency, especially if you start to develop expectations of 287 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:13,040 Speaker 1: your partner but they are not committing to you or 288 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:18,560 Speaker 1: meeting them. Relationships form a huge part of our identity 289 00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:22,320 Speaker 1: and our wellbeing, and the people we put energy into 290 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:27,520 Speaker 1: create our self worth, create our happiness and contribute to 291 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,960 Speaker 1: our overall, overall wellbeing. At the end of the day, 292 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:35,000 Speaker 1: you want people that you can rely on. You wouldn't 293 00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:38,920 Speaker 1: choose friends who are inconsistent. You wouldn't want your family 294 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:42,280 Speaker 1: to be inconsistent, or even you know your co workers, 295 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,679 Speaker 1: you know one day they're there for you and willing 296 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,399 Speaker 1: to step up and be a member of the team, 297 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:50,439 Speaker 1: and others that they're not. And I think, especially in 298 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:55,240 Speaker 1: romantic relationships, which can be even more sensitive mistakes, it's 299 00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:58,640 Speaker 1: so much higher. You want to know that you can 300 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:03,080 Speaker 1: depend on someone if you have feelings for them. I 301 00:18:03,119 --> 00:18:08,880 Speaker 1: think also it can leave you feeling incredibly insecure and 302 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:13,040 Speaker 1: deficient as an individual. If you are willing to give 303 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:17,040 Speaker 1: this person so much of your life, of your time, energy, 304 00:18:17,119 --> 00:18:20,200 Speaker 1: of your money, and of your love and you see 305 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,320 Speaker 1: them as being this amazing person like I did, and 306 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:26,280 Speaker 1: they just don't see you that way. It leaves you 307 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,800 Speaker 1: feeling like you're the one who's losing out, that they're 308 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:33,679 Speaker 1: kind of settling for you, You're a second option, and 309 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:36,080 Speaker 1: the impact that has on your mental health and your 310 00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,960 Speaker 1: self esteem and your self worth. Let me just tell 311 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:42,399 Speaker 1: you it's really not worth it. That constant cycle of 312 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:46,240 Speaker 1: meaning to gain approval from the other person is not 313 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:50,400 Speaker 1: a healthy dynamic. It's not a healthy dynamic at all. 314 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:54,240 Speaker 1: And I think because situations do tend to be superficial, 315 00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:58,280 Speaker 1: the partner or the person who wants more usually doesn't 316 00:18:58,359 --> 00:19:00,800 Speaker 1: know the other person well in our or isn't willing 317 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:05,800 Speaker 1: to acknowledge their interests and their expectations well enough, and 318 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:10,560 Speaker 1: that causes them to devalue themselves whilst idealizing their partner 319 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:20,000 Speaker 1: and to become kind of addicted to the chase. So 320 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:23,320 Speaker 1: psychology has a lot to say about people who repeatedly 321 00:19:23,359 --> 00:19:28,840 Speaker 1: find themselves in these types of relationships or ill defined situations. 322 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:31,600 Speaker 1: And I will be the first to admit, if you 323 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:35,040 Speaker 1: are in this cycle of casual relationships where you do 324 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:38,640 Speaker 1: want more, maybe you want less. Often it can be 325 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:42,920 Speaker 1: because of something more unconscious and subconscious, rather than just 326 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,880 Speaker 1: the luck of the drawer and the people that you've met. 327 00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:47,800 Speaker 1: I hate to say it, but it's normally you. If 328 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:52,200 Speaker 1: that's the common denominator, it might point to something more 329 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:55,159 Speaker 1: inward and internal that you need to not fix, but 330 00:19:55,280 --> 00:20:00,560 Speaker 1: work on and heal. I think often serial situationship people 331 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:04,639 Speaker 1: and givers may often struggle with self worth and usually 332 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:10,560 Speaker 1: find themselves being attracted to potential partners who make them 333 00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:13,560 Speaker 1: feel that they have to earn love. If you haven't 334 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:17,840 Speaker 1: listened to my episode on attachment styles, this also contributes 335 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:19,720 Speaker 1: to the cycle, so it would be worth a listen 336 00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:23,560 Speaker 1: because often those who are anxiously attached are more prone 337 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:27,160 Speaker 1: to this type of relationship than others. You might be 338 00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:31,520 Speaker 1: equally excited and terrified of this sense of the chase 339 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:37,480 Speaker 1: and anticipation, and confuse those really excitatory feelings with chemistry 340 00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:39,840 Speaker 1: when it's not that. It's just a lack of commitment 341 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,679 Speaker 1: and you're actually probably just anxious at the end of 342 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:47,879 Speaker 1: the day. But there are some other tangible things and 343 00:20:48,119 --> 00:20:53,359 Speaker 1: elements that take self work alongside working on your self 344 00:20:53,359 --> 00:20:56,640 Speaker 1: worth and your confidence and your expectations of what love 345 00:20:56,760 --> 00:21:00,520 Speaker 1: feels like, and it's important to be able to, I think, 346 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:05,840 Speaker 1: identify from kind of a psychological perspective what it is 347 00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:09,840 Speaker 1: internally that's drawing you to people who aren't going to 348 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:14,000 Speaker 1: commit to you, rather than looking to change them. The 349 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:17,920 Speaker 1: most common reason I've found in discussions with my friends 350 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,679 Speaker 1: and even doing some research on this. Although it is 351 00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:24,600 Speaker 1: kind of a new phenomenon in social and relationship side, 352 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:27,360 Speaker 1: but one of the most common reasons for ending up 353 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:31,000 Speaker 1: in an undesired situationship is that you're not making your 354 00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:34,640 Speaker 1: intentions clear to the other person from the very beginning. 355 00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:37,800 Speaker 1: This is a mistake that I think that I've made 356 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:41,720 Speaker 1: a lot of times. Is I've actually known what I've wanted, 357 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:46,160 Speaker 1: even if I'd kind of suppressed it. But I'd known 358 00:21:46,359 --> 00:21:50,240 Speaker 1: what I wanted and that was a pretty solid truth, 359 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:54,679 Speaker 1: and I didn't make that clear, or I covered that 360 00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:56,680 Speaker 1: up because I wanted to make the other person happy, 361 00:21:56,880 --> 00:22:01,240 Speaker 1: or because I was enjoying the instant gratification of having 362 00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:04,960 Speaker 1: them show me attention. Some people, you know, you might 363 00:22:05,359 --> 00:22:07,600 Speaker 1: want to marry someone in the near future. You might 364 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,920 Speaker 1: be looking for serious commitment, or you might be a 365 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:14,320 Speaker 1: completely anti relationship and just trying to enjoy your experiences. 366 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:18,600 Speaker 1: Both of those kind of areas of the spectrum are 367 00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:24,119 Speaker 1: totally fine, except for when one person from one faction 368 00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:26,880 Speaker 1: and one person from the other try and date each other. 369 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:30,280 Speaker 1: It usually doesn't work, and it usually leaves the person 370 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:33,800 Speaker 1: who is looking for commitment or is kind of not 371 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:39,680 Speaker 1: after something that's ambiguous, waiting and wanting the other person 372 00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:42,640 Speaker 1: to take that leap with them. Which we know will 373 00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:45,119 Speaker 1: never happen. I think that's one thing I try and 374 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,880 Speaker 1: stress so much in this episode and have been trying 375 00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:52,679 Speaker 1: to stress, is that if you're waiting, it's just not 376 00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:55,280 Speaker 1: worth it. Like if they wanted to, they would, and 377 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:58,320 Speaker 1: if they haven't, they don't want to. Don't try and 378 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:04,040 Speaker 1: confuse their desires or try and read things into it. Normally, 379 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:07,520 Speaker 1: the simplest explanation is the right one, And one of 380 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:10,920 Speaker 1: the first things that needs to be done when you're 381 00:23:11,119 --> 00:23:14,240 Speaker 1: getting to know someone is to find out their mindset 382 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:17,800 Speaker 1: and what they're looking for, and to also communicate exactly 383 00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:20,840 Speaker 1: what you're looking for. Don't lie about it. You're not 384 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:23,919 Speaker 1: going to get anywhere. Be completely clear with them, and 385 00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:28,200 Speaker 1: expect that they're being clear with you. Communicating expectations early 386 00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:31,359 Speaker 1: on I think will help you avoid some unexpected and 387 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:35,080 Speaker 1: awful surprises later on. This isn't to say that having 388 00:23:35,119 --> 00:23:37,600 Speaker 1: that conversation will guarantee that you won't end up in 389 00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:40,920 Speaker 1: a situation ship. You know, people cannot be completely clear 390 00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:44,919 Speaker 1: about their intentions. Things change. There's a chance that what 391 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:47,800 Speaker 1: a person says at the beginning is not how it 392 00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:51,320 Speaker 1: will end up. And if you're not communicating along the 393 00:23:51,359 --> 00:23:54,000 Speaker 1: way that's probably also going to be lost in translation. 394 00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:57,040 Speaker 1: And I think another reason that also really aligns with 395 00:23:57,080 --> 00:24:00,720 Speaker 1: not having clear intentions and boundaries is if being too 396 00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:05,200 Speaker 1: much too early. I'm definitely at fault of this a lot. 397 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:10,159 Speaker 1: I think if your love language is maybe any of 398 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:12,560 Speaker 1: those love languages, but if you're just someone who likes 399 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:16,719 Speaker 1: to give a lot and it's generous, that's not necessarily 400 00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:19,360 Speaker 1: a bad thing as long as the people that you're 401 00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:22,000 Speaker 1: deciding to give your love and your attention and your 402 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:25,439 Speaker 1: generosity too are actually worthy of it. And you're not 403 00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:28,160 Speaker 1: going to know that in the first few times you've met. 404 00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:31,439 Speaker 1: You're not going to know this person's true mindset and 405 00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:33,800 Speaker 1: who they're really going to shape up to be that 406 00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:36,720 Speaker 1: early on. So hold back a little bit and really 407 00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:42,479 Speaker 1: think about whether this person is meeting your expectations. A 408 00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:44,119 Speaker 1: phrase that one of my friends said to me the 409 00:24:44,119 --> 00:24:46,960 Speaker 1: other day, which I really liked, was be picking up passive. 410 00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:50,840 Speaker 1: And there's also usually a difference between how you act 411 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:53,760 Speaker 1: when casually dating someone and how you act in a relationship, 412 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:57,240 Speaker 1: and that is going to vary on an individual basis. 413 00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:00,400 Speaker 1: You know, for some the type of physical or emotional 414 00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:06,119 Speaker 1: intimacy that comes with something casual might be different, and 415 00:25:06,359 --> 00:25:10,560 Speaker 1: as bad as it sounds, some people may feel perfectly 416 00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:13,800 Speaker 1: happy in a place of no commitment because they're already 417 00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:17,000 Speaker 1: receiving everything they want from you. They've got someone to 418 00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:19,159 Speaker 1: hang out with when they're lonely, they've got, you know, 419 00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:22,360 Speaker 1: the sex that they need, They've got support. I remember, 420 00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:25,840 Speaker 1: I like taught this person how to fucking drive, Like 421 00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:29,320 Speaker 1: that seems like a pretty good perk. And if you 422 00:25:29,359 --> 00:25:31,439 Speaker 1: don't have to commit and you're still going to get that, 423 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:35,000 Speaker 1: why not why not do it? So there is that 424 00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:39,320 Speaker 1: question of why should they commit and if they're willing to, 425 00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:41,960 Speaker 1: so not giving too much too early if you are 426 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:45,080 Speaker 1: someone who's looking for commitment, and it also applies to 427 00:25:45,119 --> 00:25:47,679 Speaker 1: someone who wants to keep things really really casual, and 428 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:51,639 Speaker 1: if that's you, there's no benefit I think in either 429 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:55,080 Speaker 1: situation from diving in head first and just giving it 430 00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:58,120 Speaker 1: you're all and giving them you're all and showing them 431 00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:01,040 Speaker 1: that you aren't going to kind of set up clear 432 00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:04,960 Speaker 1: boundaries with what they can take from you, something you 433 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:08,680 Speaker 1: can do. I think it's just take a moment and 434 00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:14,800 Speaker 1: decide your boundaries from the very very beginning and continue 435 00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:19,280 Speaker 1: to work on them, and I don't think those just 436 00:26:19,359 --> 00:26:22,040 Speaker 1: have to be boundaries around this is what I want 437 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:25,439 Speaker 1: and if it's not that, then I'm out, Like I 438 00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,480 Speaker 1: want a relationship and if they're not willing to give 439 00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:29,680 Speaker 1: me that in the first month, get out of here. 440 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:34,280 Speaker 1: It's also boundaries around what are your non negotiables, what 441 00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:38,280 Speaker 1: does good love feel like to you? How do you 442 00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:43,639 Speaker 1: want to be treated in any relationship where feelings become involved, 443 00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:46,600 Speaker 1: Even if you're happy with the situation ship, you need 444 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:49,000 Speaker 1: to be really clear in your mind about what you 445 00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:52,760 Speaker 1: actually deserve as an individual. A critical thing to remember 446 00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:55,199 Speaker 1: that my amazing friend Ginger said to me the other 447 00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:58,040 Speaker 1: day when I told her I was recording this is 448 00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:02,879 Speaker 1: that no strings don't mean no respect. I'm just going 449 00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:06,600 Speaker 1: to say it again, no strings doesn't mean no respect. 450 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:11,760 Speaker 1: Even if things are casual. You should have solid boundaries 451 00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:15,159 Speaker 1: around you and within you that you deserve to be 452 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:20,440 Speaker 1: treated with respect and have your boundaries heard and acknowledged. 453 00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:24,160 Speaker 1: And if you have the confidence and the courage to say, 454 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:27,119 Speaker 1: you know, I don't like how you're treating me. I 455 00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:29,639 Speaker 1: don't like that I don't know you make front of 456 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,840 Speaker 1: me in front of your friends, or that you don't 457 00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:34,800 Speaker 1: text me back, or you don't make plans, even if 458 00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:38,480 Speaker 1: things are casual, and if that's one of your non negotiables, 459 00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:41,639 Speaker 1: don't lose sight of that, and don't be passive about it. 460 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:44,239 Speaker 1: Make sure you show them how you want to be 461 00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:48,560 Speaker 1: treated and enforce that, and if they don't respect it, 462 00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:53,159 Speaker 1: cut it loose. Express how you deserve and how you 463 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:56,480 Speaker 1: expect to be treated. I think that's such a liberating 464 00:27:56,520 --> 00:27:58,560 Speaker 1: thing that you can do no matter what you want, 465 00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:01,679 Speaker 1: no matter what you're dating bounds are, or your dating 466 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:06,480 Speaker 1: goals are, whether you're in a situationship right now or 467 00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:08,400 Speaker 1: you have been in one in the past, or you're 468 00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:12,960 Speaker 1: dating or you're in a relationship. In any situation, being 469 00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:18,800 Speaker 1: really clear about what you want and how you want 470 00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:21,320 Speaker 1: to be treated and what your non negotiables are will 471 00:28:21,359 --> 00:28:25,560 Speaker 1: save you a whole lot of pain. Another one of 472 00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:27,720 Speaker 1: my friends, and I think this kind of goes back 473 00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:30,480 Speaker 1: to one of those earlier points about speaking your truth 474 00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:32,600 Speaker 1: really early on about what you want. She has these 475 00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:38,120 Speaker 1: dating rules which I find really really interesting, and I'm 476 00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:40,200 Speaker 1: kind of stealing them to give to you because I 477 00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:44,520 Speaker 1: think that they are a really good template for going 478 00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:48,160 Speaker 1: into new relationships or new flings or new interests. Was 479 00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:52,160 Speaker 1: a really clear mind. And in her instance, she really 480 00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:54,960 Speaker 1: wants a relationship. She's not here to fuck around, you know. 481 00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:59,200 Speaker 1: She doesn't want another string of things that don't really 482 00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:02,200 Speaker 1: go anywhere, and like she wants deep love, which all 483 00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:04,520 Speaker 1: power to her. I think that is an amazing goal 484 00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:07,320 Speaker 1: to have. And if you want to set intentions, and 485 00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:09,640 Speaker 1: you set intentions and goals in all other areas of 486 00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:12,320 Speaker 1: your life, why not do it when it comes to romance. 487 00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:15,760 Speaker 1: And she has these like five rules of dating, and 488 00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:19,040 Speaker 1: one of them is like, after the fifth date, I 489 00:29:19,080 --> 00:29:22,240 Speaker 1: will have a conversation about what they want. After four 490 00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:25,520 Speaker 1: dates where sex is involved, I expect a non sexual date. 491 00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:29,480 Speaker 1: If I made the last plan, I think, oh yeah, 492 00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:31,280 Speaker 1: if I made the last plan, then they have to 493 00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:34,600 Speaker 1: make the next plan. Write down a list, fucking do it. 494 00:29:34,640 --> 00:29:36,320 Speaker 1: Do it. It's going to take you like ten minutes. 495 00:29:36,320 --> 00:29:38,760 Speaker 1: You probably already know what you want, write it down 496 00:29:38,800 --> 00:29:42,440 Speaker 1: and stick to it, and judge their behavior based on 497 00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:52,320 Speaker 1: whether they're actually meeting those rules that you have. Okay, 498 00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:54,240 Speaker 1: I feel like I spent a lot of time then 499 00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:59,960 Speaker 1: talking about boundaries and boundary setting and expectations, which is important. 500 00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:04,520 Speaker 1: It's really important, but a massive component I think of 501 00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:10,000 Speaker 1: situationships is knowing when those boundaries have been crossed and 502 00:30:10,120 --> 00:30:14,920 Speaker 1: knowing when to leave. Sometimes a situation ship maybe working 503 00:30:14,920 --> 00:30:17,720 Speaker 1: for you and be aligned with your emotional needs. You 504 00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:20,160 Speaker 1: might have just come out of a long term relationship. 505 00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:23,040 Speaker 1: Maybe you're on the same page as the other person 506 00:30:23,080 --> 00:30:27,240 Speaker 1: and it's working fabulously, But it's also important to know 507 00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:30,880 Speaker 1: when it's not working and when to let it go. 508 00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:35,680 Speaker 1: A handkint that I have found in my experience, as 509 00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:38,560 Speaker 1: soon as you have doubts, it's time to end things, 510 00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:43,000 Speaker 1: because there's no point prolonging the inevitable and learning that 511 00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:47,120 Speaker 1: lesson the hard way. This is a conundrum I faced 512 00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:51,160 Speaker 1: for many months at the end of last year, and 513 00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:54,479 Speaker 1: I saw this really funny Pituda article today. Actually one 514 00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:58,240 Speaker 1: of my friends sent it to me, and the headline 515 00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:01,000 Speaker 1: was a woman in a situationship convinced that if she 516 00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:04,280 Speaker 1: sleeps with man enough times he'll come around. That's not 517 00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:07,080 Speaker 1: going to happen, and if it does for those rare few, 518 00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:09,640 Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure you're going to reach a state of 519 00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:14,160 Speaker 1: emotional exhaustion before it does. And you really want love 520 00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:16,960 Speaker 1: from someone who's making you work so hard for it, 521 00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:20,320 Speaker 1: or putting you in that state in the first place. 522 00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:23,600 Speaker 1: So I think knowing when to leave and when to 523 00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:26,560 Speaker 1: be like, Okay, that's enough of that, we're moving on. 524 00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:30,640 Speaker 1: It's super important when they're making you feel anxious it's 525 00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:34,280 Speaker 1: time to go, when your needs aren't being met, and 526 00:31:34,360 --> 00:31:37,040 Speaker 1: you can sense that it's time to go, when you 527 00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:39,880 Speaker 1: have doubts, when you want more, and if you've talked 528 00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:42,520 Speaker 1: to them about that and they have been like, no way, 529 00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:46,200 Speaker 1: it's time to go. And I think that sometimes it 530 00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:49,800 Speaker 1: can be really difficult when feelings are getting really messy. 531 00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:53,280 Speaker 1: Maybe they've said that they've loved you, or they said 532 00:31:53,280 --> 00:31:56,120 Speaker 1: that they've missed you, and if that was true, and 533 00:31:56,240 --> 00:31:58,440 Speaker 1: if they really did love you with the intensity that 534 00:31:58,520 --> 00:32:01,520 Speaker 1: perhaps you wanted, they would be with you, there's no 535 00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:06,280 Speaker 1: question about it. Sometimes people like you know, like I said, 536 00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:09,840 Speaker 1: like getting those benefits without having to pay for them, 537 00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:11,720 Speaker 1: pay for them with their energy, pay for them with 538 00:32:11,760 --> 00:32:16,200 Speaker 1: their time, pay for them with reciprocation. So really trust 539 00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:19,800 Speaker 1: your up feeling. And I think another big part is 540 00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:24,520 Speaker 1: when you're not comfortable telling your friends about how they've 541 00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:28,200 Speaker 1: been treating you, or telling your friends about your doubts, 542 00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:30,880 Speaker 1: because you know what they'll say. Those are people that 543 00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:35,880 Speaker 1: you have established and trusting relationships with who are hopefully 544 00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:38,640 Speaker 1: really good people who have your best interests at heart. 545 00:32:39,280 --> 00:32:42,000 Speaker 1: And if they know and if you know that they 546 00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:45,680 Speaker 1: know that it's not good. That was a really convoluted 547 00:32:45,720 --> 00:32:49,040 Speaker 1: way of saying that. But you'll know their reaction, and 548 00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:50,760 Speaker 1: if you know their reaction isn't going to be a 549 00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:54,240 Speaker 1: positive one, you should be having that same feeling. Trust 550 00:32:54,280 --> 00:32:58,040 Speaker 1: those who you trust and trust that you understand their judgments. 551 00:32:58,160 --> 00:33:00,200 Speaker 1: And if you can put yourself in their shoe and 552 00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:03,440 Speaker 1: imagine you know, them telling you this, or one of 553 00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:06,320 Speaker 1: your other friends saying, oh, I'm in this situation ship 554 00:33:06,400 --> 00:33:10,240 Speaker 1: and I'm feeling really anxious and it's making me really sad, 555 00:33:10,280 --> 00:33:12,600 Speaker 1: and I don't want to be here anymore. I want 556 00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:16,960 Speaker 1: more or or I want nothing. If that's what you 557 00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:20,120 Speaker 1: can imagine, if you can imagine them in that situation 558 00:33:20,160 --> 00:33:21,560 Speaker 1: and what you would say to them, and if your 559 00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:25,640 Speaker 1: advice would be, you know, dump him and leave or 560 00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:28,840 Speaker 1: dump her or dump them, then you should probably do it. 561 00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:31,200 Speaker 1: You should probably do it. And I know it's not 562 00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:33,880 Speaker 1: that simple. It's not that simple, because it could be 563 00:33:33,920 --> 00:33:38,120 Speaker 1: that you are incredibly attached you're likely attached if you've 564 00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:41,640 Speaker 1: been sticking around for that long, if you have reached 565 00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:45,880 Speaker 1: a point of emotional kind of collapse. But I think 566 00:33:45,960 --> 00:33:51,640 Speaker 1: the thing that really made me realize that I needed 567 00:33:51,680 --> 00:33:54,960 Speaker 1: to have a conversation around it was when I just 568 00:33:55,240 --> 00:33:59,520 Speaker 1: really didn't like myself anymore. And that's like a really 569 00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:04,200 Speaker 1: hard to say now, but I just didn't like myself. 570 00:34:04,240 --> 00:34:07,120 Speaker 1: I didn't like what I had done, and I didn't 571 00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:10,320 Speaker 1: like who I was because I was choosing this person. 572 00:34:10,920 --> 00:34:13,440 Speaker 1: I didn't like how I felt, I didn't like how 573 00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:17,360 Speaker 1: I looked. I didn't feel accepted or loved in the 574 00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:22,040 Speaker 1: way that I deserved. And making that clear was possibly 575 00:34:22,239 --> 00:34:24,839 Speaker 1: one of the best moments of my life, even though 576 00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:28,000 Speaker 1: it was hard, because it finally was me standing up 577 00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:30,120 Speaker 1: for myself and not just letting them kind of call 578 00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:33,480 Speaker 1: the shots, but being an active participant in the situation 579 00:34:33,560 --> 00:34:36,960 Speaker 1: I was in. So what comes after that? What comes 580 00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:40,120 Speaker 1: after that? If you never dated someone, if it was 581 00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:46,680 Speaker 1: a situationship without commitment, without defined expectations, it can be 582 00:34:46,760 --> 00:34:50,399 Speaker 1: really hard to acknowledge the ending of something like that 583 00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:54,120 Speaker 1: for what it is, which is essentially a breakup in 584 00:34:54,600 --> 00:34:59,800 Speaker 1: a different sense of the word. And our complicated relationship 585 00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:03,719 Speaker 1: with grief around situationships that never really got to that 586 00:35:03,800 --> 00:35:07,799 Speaker 1: point is something that's really hard to navigate. And I 587 00:35:07,840 --> 00:35:11,400 Speaker 1: think a massive element of situation ships is not what 588 00:35:11,480 --> 00:35:15,680 Speaker 1: occurs within them, but after Quite often you feel like, 589 00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:19,759 Speaker 1: because you never dated this person, you don't deserve to 590 00:35:19,840 --> 00:35:22,600 Speaker 1: feel sad, you don't deserve to miss them, and many 591 00:35:22,600 --> 00:35:25,480 Speaker 1: others might not expect us to feel hurt, or maybe 592 00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:27,839 Speaker 1: that's just the perception you're putting on yourself, like why 593 00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:30,799 Speaker 1: should I grieve this person as if I dated them 594 00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:34,680 Speaker 1: when I really didn't. I was super lucky in that 595 00:35:34,760 --> 00:35:39,040 Speaker 1: all of my friends had witnessed this situation and they 596 00:35:39,040 --> 00:35:41,480 Speaker 1: had seen what had done to me and my anxiety 597 00:35:41,520 --> 00:35:44,440 Speaker 1: and the impacted out of my life. I'm really supportive. 598 00:35:44,480 --> 00:35:47,120 Speaker 1: So a little shout out to Kate and Aaron and 599 00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:50,000 Speaker 1: Phoebe if you're listening, thank you, thank you, thank you, 600 00:35:50,160 --> 00:35:53,640 Speaker 1: because at least one of those women had to receive 601 00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:56,000 Speaker 1: some sort of message or phone call from me for 602 00:35:56,040 --> 00:35:58,719 Speaker 1: at least two to three months, like crying or being 603 00:35:58,719 --> 00:36:03,520 Speaker 1: really depressed and sad and whatever, but understanding that those 604 00:36:03,560 --> 00:36:05,440 Speaker 1: who really love you will support you through this have 605 00:36:05,600 --> 00:36:09,560 Speaker 1: likely seen what it's done. To you is a really 606 00:36:09,719 --> 00:36:13,200 Speaker 1: important thing to sit back on and remember. I think 607 00:36:13,840 --> 00:36:16,800 Speaker 1: in many other ways, it can be hard to grieve 608 00:36:17,320 --> 00:36:19,719 Speaker 1: not just for the what ifs and the relationship that 609 00:36:19,760 --> 00:36:23,440 Speaker 1: you wanted, but for what you built around that person, 610 00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:26,560 Speaker 1: the community that you formed around them, and not having 611 00:36:26,600 --> 00:36:29,480 Speaker 1: that anymore. The person you know there probably was an 612 00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:32,960 Speaker 1: element of emotion there and an element of support, and 613 00:36:33,239 --> 00:36:37,520 Speaker 1: much like a relationship, when that's gone, that can be really, 614 00:36:37,560 --> 00:36:40,360 Speaker 1: really difficult. One of the big things I found was 615 00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:44,200 Speaker 1: that the people who were his friends and who surrounded him, 616 00:36:44,200 --> 00:36:46,719 Speaker 1: who I really love and I really enjoy them, but 617 00:36:46,800 --> 00:36:49,400 Speaker 1: they're his friends, They're not mine. And that took a 618 00:36:49,440 --> 00:36:52,399 Speaker 1: while for me to come to terms with, and that 619 00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:54,920 Speaker 1: I had also changed a lot of my life to 620 00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:57,520 Speaker 1: fit into what was wanted in that situation, and at 621 00:36:57,560 --> 00:36:59,719 Speaker 1: the end of the day didn't really have much to 622 00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:02,760 Speaker 1: show for it. Tally was definitely not in my favor, 623 00:37:03,280 --> 00:37:08,000 Speaker 1: and that is something to be grieved, and that sense 624 00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:11,440 Speaker 1: of feeling guilty and feeling silly sit with that. I 625 00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:13,560 Speaker 1: think the best thing you can do for yourself is 626 00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:18,200 Speaker 1: let yourself feel hurt, journal about it, actively take steps 627 00:37:18,200 --> 00:37:21,320 Speaker 1: to move on and build a better version of yourself, 628 00:37:21,800 --> 00:37:24,160 Speaker 1: build a better version of yourself in which you know 629 00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:28,480 Speaker 1: what you want, you know how you deserve to be treated, 630 00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:31,440 Speaker 1: and you know what your non negotiables are. And I 631 00:37:31,520 --> 00:37:35,040 Speaker 1: treated it like a breakup. I cut off contact for 632 00:37:35,080 --> 00:37:37,799 Speaker 1: a while, I muted his social media, I unfollowed. It 633 00:37:37,920 --> 00:37:41,960 Speaker 1: might not have been a relationship, but and you know, 634 00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:44,520 Speaker 1: looking back at it now, it definitely wasn't. But I 635 00:37:44,560 --> 00:37:46,239 Speaker 1: didn't want to hear from them for a long time 636 00:37:46,719 --> 00:37:49,399 Speaker 1: because of what it had done to me, And that 637 00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:52,600 Speaker 1: gave me so much peace. I think also acknowledging that 638 00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:54,680 Speaker 1: like I had a hand to play in the hurt 639 00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:59,160 Speaker 1: that I felt. And I think being hurt and being 640 00:37:59,239 --> 00:38:03,400 Speaker 1: harmed very different. And although sometimes it's still, you know, 641 00:38:03,440 --> 00:38:06,279 Speaker 1: a bit hard now to not reach out, especially you 642 00:38:06,320 --> 00:38:09,160 Speaker 1: know now that I'm not angry anymore, and I missed 643 00:38:09,200 --> 00:38:12,879 Speaker 1: that friendship side, the best thing that I really did 644 00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:17,160 Speaker 1: for myself was realized that without that person, I probably 645 00:38:17,239 --> 00:38:20,520 Speaker 1: was a better version of myself. And I traveled a bunch. 646 00:38:20,520 --> 00:38:22,520 Speaker 1: I went on trips with anyone who would book one 647 00:38:22,600 --> 00:38:25,280 Speaker 1: with me. I found new hobbies and facets of myself 648 00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:29,320 Speaker 1: that the people who had previously been in my life, 649 00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:32,319 Speaker 1: you know, even in the past five years, people who 650 00:38:32,840 --> 00:38:35,960 Speaker 1: nothing and really eventuated with they were these are these 651 00:38:35,960 --> 00:38:38,319 Speaker 1: elements of myself that they had nothing to do with, 652 00:38:38,760 --> 00:38:40,680 Speaker 1: They had no say and no part of They didn't 653 00:38:40,680 --> 00:38:44,120 Speaker 1: know about it. And if you are kind of grieving 654 00:38:44,200 --> 00:38:48,239 Speaker 1: a situationship and feeling guilty about it, it's important to 655 00:38:48,520 --> 00:38:51,880 Speaker 1: build yourself back up and see that you are really cool, 656 00:38:52,120 --> 00:38:56,680 Speaker 1: You're an incredible person, and you can create habits and 657 00:38:56,760 --> 00:38:59,080 Speaker 1: patterns and hobbies that have no connection with them, that 658 00:38:59,160 --> 00:39:02,560 Speaker 1: are just for yourself. And letting yourself grieve and sit 659 00:39:02,680 --> 00:39:05,920 Speaker 1: with that feeling and acknowledge that it's a valid feeling 660 00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:08,759 Speaker 1: and letting yourself heal will do wonders for you in 661 00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:12,719 Speaker 1: the future. And that fucking glow up. That glow up 662 00:39:12,880 --> 00:39:17,240 Speaker 1: when you sit back in a few months time and 663 00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:22,160 Speaker 1: realize that you took control and made an active decision 664 00:39:22,160 --> 00:39:25,200 Speaker 1: in your life. You sat with what you wanted, you 665 00:39:25,239 --> 00:39:27,920 Speaker 1: acknowledged it, and you realize that that was valid and 666 00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:30,279 Speaker 1: that you could choose who who gives that to you. 667 00:39:31,640 --> 00:39:34,280 Speaker 1: That's just going to do wonders for your mental health, 668 00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:39,480 Speaker 1: for your relationship with your mind, with your level of confidence, 669 00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:42,960 Speaker 1: with your friendships, with your family, and with kind of 670 00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:46,120 Speaker 1: every element when you decide to kind of put yourself first. 671 00:39:46,760 --> 00:39:49,080 Speaker 1: A bit of a rant there, you can see anyway 672 00:39:49,120 --> 00:39:51,440 Speaker 1: said I was coming at this from a logical perspective, 673 00:39:51,480 --> 00:39:55,320 Speaker 1: but sometimes I think anecdotal advice can be really useful, 674 00:39:56,600 --> 00:39:59,200 Speaker 1: and I think just being honest with yourself about what 675 00:39:59,239 --> 00:40:03,480 Speaker 1: you actually is really really important. At the end of 676 00:40:03,480 --> 00:40:06,120 Speaker 1: the day, if you don't feel that you're being treated 677 00:40:06,120 --> 00:40:10,360 Speaker 1: well as whatever you have with someone is progressing, be 678 00:40:10,520 --> 00:40:13,680 Speaker 1: honest about that as well. I think the biggest mistake 679 00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:16,880 Speaker 1: I've made in situations like this that would have saved 680 00:40:16,920 --> 00:40:21,360 Speaker 1: me months of pain was not telling people the moment 681 00:40:21,440 --> 00:40:27,840 Speaker 1: that we weren't on the same page anymore. Be really explicit, 682 00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:31,520 Speaker 1: because it can be really easy to ignore until you 683 00:40:31,560 --> 00:40:35,400 Speaker 1: can't anymore. And the thing is, they're feelings. If you 684 00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:38,440 Speaker 1: aren't going to change, and if you have that conversation 685 00:40:38,520 --> 00:40:41,520 Speaker 1: and they do well, then either way you're getting something 686 00:40:41,520 --> 00:40:45,120 Speaker 1: out of it. Like being honest about your feelings and 687 00:40:45,200 --> 00:40:47,879 Speaker 1: about where you're coming from and your expectations, it's never 688 00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:51,439 Speaker 1: going to have a negative outcome. Either you lose someone 689 00:40:51,480 --> 00:40:55,200 Speaker 1: who probably wasn't really there to begin with, or in 690 00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:58,719 Speaker 1: the odd scenario, it becomes more, you'll also win that. 691 00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:03,680 Speaker 1: But I think once again, these people, like if your 692 00:41:03,719 --> 00:41:06,360 Speaker 1: expectations are different, and they have been from the start, 693 00:41:06,800 --> 00:41:10,279 Speaker 1: this person isn't going to miraculously emotionally mature of a night, 694 00:41:10,719 --> 00:41:13,480 Speaker 1: and it's highly unlikely that they will ever fulfill your 695 00:41:13,480 --> 00:41:17,240 Speaker 1: emotional needs. So that advice of being honest with yourself 696 00:41:17,280 --> 00:41:22,200 Speaker 1: still stands throughout all of this. Know when things are done, 697 00:41:22,280 --> 00:41:24,920 Speaker 1: and be honest with yourself and whether it's worth it, 698 00:41:25,360 --> 00:41:27,640 Speaker 1: whether the lesson is worth it, whether the hurt is 699 00:41:27,680 --> 00:41:30,480 Speaker 1: worth it. And I don't think that when you truly 700 00:41:30,480 --> 00:41:32,440 Speaker 1: take an honest mirror to what you're going through, your 701 00:41:32,440 --> 00:41:35,120 Speaker 1: answer will be that it is. And you know, if 702 00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:37,200 Speaker 1: you are on the other side of this, if you're 703 00:41:37,239 --> 00:41:42,080 Speaker 1: someone who is wanting to keep things casual and you 704 00:41:42,120 --> 00:41:45,080 Speaker 1: see that someone the other person you're with, perhaps once more, 705 00:41:45,120 --> 00:41:49,280 Speaker 1: if you're noticing that things are changing, you have just 706 00:41:49,520 --> 00:41:53,920 Speaker 1: as much of a responsibility to be honest with them 707 00:41:54,080 --> 00:41:57,160 Speaker 1: as well. It's not just their burden to carry. You 708 00:41:57,160 --> 00:41:59,680 Speaker 1: don't want to be someone who hurts people. You don't 709 00:41:59,719 --> 00:42:03,600 Speaker 1: want to be someone who others have a negative memory of, 710 00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:08,040 Speaker 1: and even if you're getting something out of it, just 711 00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:10,759 Speaker 1: think about I don't know, it sounds so silly to 712 00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:13,920 Speaker 1: be like, think about the other person, but that's what 713 00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:17,840 Speaker 1: you should be doing in any situation in which sex 714 00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:22,319 Speaker 1: and emotions are intertwined. Physical and emotional elements are intertwined. 715 00:42:23,080 --> 00:42:26,400 Speaker 1: Both parties oh the other person a level of honesty 716 00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:30,960 Speaker 1: and respect, no matter where you stand in terms of commitment, 717 00:42:31,480 --> 00:42:34,959 Speaker 1: where you stand in terms of the definition of your relationship. 718 00:42:35,080 --> 00:42:40,279 Speaker 1: That's just a huge thing, I think in any relationship, friendships, family, colleagues, 719 00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:47,200 Speaker 1: anything at all. So I hope that this episode was informational. 720 00:42:47,960 --> 00:42:49,600 Speaker 1: I don't know, maybe it was just a bit of 721 00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:52,839 Speaker 1: a ramble, but I think it was something that I 722 00:42:52,920 --> 00:42:54,480 Speaker 1: really wanted to talk about for a while. Maybe I 723 00:42:54,560 --> 00:42:56,399 Speaker 1: had some wisdom on Maybe you can throw this all 724 00:42:56,440 --> 00:43:00,200 Speaker 1: out and be like, this was stupid, but I think 725 00:43:00,200 --> 00:43:02,719 Speaker 1: I really enjoyed it. And for that person, all those 726 00:43:02,719 --> 00:43:07,120 Speaker 1: people who've asked for this episode, hopefully whatever you're going through, 727 00:43:07,160 --> 00:43:09,799 Speaker 1: this has helped you out, given you something to think about, 728 00:43:09,840 --> 00:43:12,279 Speaker 1: because I'm sure it's on your mind, And thank you 729 00:43:12,320 --> 00:43:17,120 Speaker 1: again for listening and for the support. It just is 730 00:43:17,160 --> 00:43:20,720 Speaker 1: blowing my mind at the moment. The amount of messages 731 00:43:20,760 --> 00:43:23,799 Speaker 1: I've been getting and the new listeners and the new followers, 732 00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:27,759 Speaker 1: and it's just crazy. I never thought that people would 733 00:43:27,760 --> 00:43:30,640 Speaker 1: really care. And maybe you don't, maybe this is just 734 00:43:31,840 --> 00:43:34,319 Speaker 1: some fun listening for your road trip or or your 735 00:43:34,320 --> 00:43:38,160 Speaker 1: card trip or whatever. But for me, it's a really 736 00:43:38,239 --> 00:43:40,120 Speaker 1: nice feeling and it's been a huge part of my 737 00:43:40,200 --> 00:43:43,960 Speaker 1: growth and development over the past a few months, and 738 00:43:44,080 --> 00:43:47,120 Speaker 1: after the situationship I went through. So I'm very grateful 739 00:43:47,200 --> 00:43:50,080 Speaker 1: for the podcast, and it's really amazing to be at 740 00:43:50,080 --> 00:43:51,759 Speaker 1: a place now where I can be like, oh, yeah, 741 00:43:51,800 --> 00:43:54,680 Speaker 1: I'm going to talk about this from perspective of having 742 00:43:54,719 --> 00:43:56,680 Speaker 1: been through it, knowing what I want now and knowing 743 00:43:56,719 --> 00:43:59,319 Speaker 1: how I deserve to be treated. So thank you so 744 00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:01,799 Speaker 1: much at the end of the day, and I hope 745 00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:04,239 Speaker 1: to see you back next week. I haven't decided what 746 00:44:04,280 --> 00:44:07,480 Speaker 1: we're talking about, but when I do, I will let 747 00:44:07,480 --> 00:44:09,640 Speaker 1: you know. And have a lovely, lovely week.