Speaker 1: Hey everyone, Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one
Speaker 1: health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every
Speaker 1: one of you that come back every week to listen, learn,
Speaker 1: and grow. Now, today's episode is a bit of a rewind.
Speaker 1: I had an amazing conversation with the incredible Whitney coming.
Speaker 1: She interviewed me. If you don't know a phenomenal comedian,
Speaker 1: I know so many of you must be a fan.
Speaker 1: And the way she interviewed me was so smart. She
Speaker 1: actually asked me questions from my book Think like a
Speaker 1: Monk from the Purpose chapter and broke it down incredibly well.
Speaker 1: So if you want to hear a full on, entertaining, enlightening,
Speaker 1: and phenomenal conversation with the one and only Whitney Commings,
Speaker 1: this episode is for you. What I love about this
Speaker 1: episode is how open I get, how reflective I get,
Speaker 1: and hopefully you get to learn a bit more about
Speaker 1: my journey, especially if you love the book Think Like
Speaker 1: a Monk. I know you're gonna love this episode. Jay Jatty,
Speaker 1: finally you're here. I'm sorry having to be it. Thank you, Renny,
Speaker 1: I'm grateful to be it. The thing I really want
Speaker 1: to start with to frame this conversation with you is
Speaker 1: that so much of what you talk about is about
Speaker 1: compassion and kindness and service. And on this podcast, all
Speaker 1: of you that know me know that I am in
Speaker 1: recovery for codependence. And a big part of codependence is
Speaker 1: you give too much of yourself. You become a doormat,
Speaker 1: You have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. You martyr yourself
Speaker 1: for people you know. In codependence, we do the three
Speaker 1: ms martyr, micromanage, and mother. We rescue people, we self deprive.
Speaker 1: We give too much. Right, Codependence breeds resentment, perfectionism. We're
Speaker 1: the people that cook a full meal for our whole family,
Speaker 1: but don't eat anything, and at the end we're eating
Speaker 1: scraps over the kitchen sink. Right, So we are too
Speaker 1: nice sometimes. And so as I was reading your book,
Speaker 1: I found myself going, I hope in this conversation we
Speaker 1: can sort of talk about how to tell when you're
Speaker 1: compassion and love and forgiveness and kindness, which you talk
Speaker 1: about so elegantly in your book, how we can develop
Speaker 1: the skill to delineate when it's codependence and when it's
Speaker 1: thinking like a monk. I love that I'm totally with
Speaker 1: you on that and That's such an important point because
Speaker 1: I think that's the difference that I think a lot
Speaker 1: of these words now have become buzzwords, yes, and they
Speaker 1: fly around. And because of that, we have a really
Speaker 1: beginner's understanding of these deep essential qualities and values, and
Speaker 1: so we practice them at beginner's level. And at that level,
Speaker 1: they're still based on wanting validation. They're still based on
Speaker 1: wanting to fit in. They're still based on wanting to
Speaker 1: be a part of being dependent or being codependent. They're
Speaker 1: not coming from a place of internal purification and greatness.
Speaker 1: So I'm totally with you on that, and I'm motives.
Speaker 1: It's really about motives like if you find yourself and
Speaker 1: if someone were to ask me, like you know, because
Speaker 1: I love that you talk about service in this book.
Speaker 1: It's such a big part of I think what is
Speaker 1: going to fix everything that's broken in our society is
Speaker 1: to be able to give. And I think people don't
Speaker 1: understand that giving is actually selfish. You know. I feel
Speaker 1: like I'm saying this in a way that's grosser, which
Speaker 1: is why my book probably wasn't the number one best
Speaker 1: seller and his was because I say, I sound like
Speaker 1: a psychopath, which is like when you give to others,
Speaker 1: it's selfish. You benefit when you give it, like everybody wins. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: It's like forgiveness. We forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness,
Speaker 1: but because we deserve peace. Forgiveness is selfish, absolutely, But
Speaker 1: the intention with which we give defines how deeply we
Speaker 1: feel it. So let's let's take, for example, two people
Speaker 1: who want to give in charity this year. One person
Speaker 1: wants to give it because they really believe that the
Speaker 1: kids deserve more food and better shelter and better support.
Speaker 1: The other person gives because they think it will be
Speaker 1: a good pr story or they think that it would
Speaker 1: look good for them to give it. Correct, there you go.
Speaker 1: So you've got two people. Let's say they both give
Speaker 1: a million dollars each. Yeah, it's obvious who's going to
Speaker 1: feel more joy. Now bear in mind the kids benefit
Speaker 1: of the money either way. But the person giving only
Speaker 1: receives joy when they did it with the intention of
Speaker 1: actually serving. Yes, And that's the missing link around giving,
Speaker 1: because giving isn't just the act of time money, it's
Speaker 1: the act of energy, presence, and intention and also just
Speaker 1: taking your mind off yourself. I mean, in twelve step programs.
Speaker 1: The reason we do service, like honestly is to take
Speaker 1: the focus off yourself because the more we and it's tricky,
Speaker 1: and I find myself struggling with the balance of this
Speaker 1: like self help, self love and self self self so
Speaker 1: self so self and when it becomes selfish and when
Speaker 1: it's selfless and you know, my brain, I just get
Speaker 1: so turned around in self care, ality is thinking about
Speaker 1: myself and take care of myself and myself and it's
Speaker 1: just me, me, me, me me ultimately. Yeah, and when
Speaker 1: does self care become selfish? And you do a really
Speaker 1: good job I think for anyone that is confused laying
Speaker 1: it out in a way that it's not like and
Speaker 1: also for people that non Hollywood people, the people that
Speaker 1: are buying your book, that we're actually you know, talking
Speaker 1: to you and not amongst like who they are, Like,
Speaker 1: I have three jobs. All I do is ser Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I have four kids. Exactly, I actually need to do
Speaker 1: less service. I actually need to be less compassionate and
Speaker 1: take care of myself like finding that balance. Yeah, absolutely,
Speaker 1: And that's what I loved about the Monk Path that
Speaker 1: I chose, that the morning was all about the self. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then rest of the day was about service, and
Speaker 1: that gives you a really good blueprint around how that
Speaker 1: works in the sense of if you've not done something
Speaker 1: for yourself every day, yeah, if you've not taken your
Speaker 1: time to invest in yourself every day. And that isn't
Speaker 1: just a you know it's it comes so much from
Speaker 1: understanding yourself, and understanding yourself comes from the place of
Speaker 1: knowing yourself and getting to know yourself. And most of
Speaker 1: us spend so much time codependency trying to get to
Speaker 1: know someone else and what their needs, anticipate their needs,
Speaker 1: and then shape shift so that I can be what
Speaker 1: I think you want totally evolve, Yeah, evolve and transmorph
Speaker 1: into this person that will be the best for them.
Speaker 1: But what about if you did that for yourself to
Speaker 1: start with? And so most of us don't even know
Speaker 1: what we want to eat for dinner on a given day,
Speaker 1: or like what our favorite movies are. We struggle, We
Speaker 1: sit there for like hours trying to figure out what
Speaker 1: to watch because we haven't really got to know ourselves.
Speaker 1: And so to me, getting to know yourself is very basic.
Speaker 1: After you eat me, I'll ask yourself, did I enjoy that?
Speaker 1: What did I like about it? Did I feel great
Speaker 1: twenty four hours after reading it? After watching a movie?
Speaker 1: What did I like about it? Why did I enjoy it?
Speaker 1: Those basic questions will give you a month's deeper understanding
Speaker 1: of yourself. God, it's so important, Jay, I can't believe
Speaker 1: like it took me so long. I just turned thirty eight.
Speaker 1: You're September six. I am September four. I know and
Speaker 1: many other Virgo season because I can't believe how much
Speaker 1: of my life I have spent doing things that I
Speaker 1: didn't even really want to do, and then I didn't.
Speaker 1: I didn't even know. Someone would ask me to go
Speaker 1: for a hike and I'd be like sure. Like I
Speaker 1: just thought friendships felt obligatory. I just felt they kind
Speaker 1: of felt like work. I just felt like you kind
Speaker 1: of had to agree with things that you didn't want
Speaker 1: to agree with. I just felt like you kind of
Speaker 1: had to laugh at jokes that weren't funny. Like I
Speaker 1: just thought that's what friendship was like, I didn't know, Like,
Speaker 1: and reading this book, it really made me stop and
Speaker 1: go like, Okay, I just hang out with that person.
Speaker 1: Did it film me up? Do I feel depleted by
Speaker 1: that person when they text me? Do I get a
Speaker 1: pit in my stomach? Am I excited to respond? Or
Speaker 1: do I? Can? I just respond whenever I want? Because
Speaker 1: I had all these friendships that were like, oh god,
Speaker 1: she text me, I need to text your back. Girls,
Speaker 1: She'll be mad that we're all about keeping score, and
Speaker 1: then we're all about recreating my childhood circumstance of a
Speaker 1: borderline personality narcissist mother and you, and I think so
Speaker 1: few of us just stop and go. Did I enjoy
Speaker 1: that meal? Yeah? Do I even like these movies? Do
Speaker 1: I even like this person that I'm hanging out with
Speaker 1: every day? Yeah? And it all comes from confirmation bias,
Speaker 1: So we have this safety mechanism of it's more comfortable
Speaker 1: for the mind to feel we agree than create a
Speaker 1: moment of conflict. So the mind will continuously confirm and
Speaker 1: surround ourselves with people that confirm our biases, or we
Speaker 1: confirm theirs for the feeding of comfort, so we feel
Speaker 1: better when it's like you tell me you like that
Speaker 1: blood orange energy drink, so for me to feel like
Speaker 1: you fit in and we're gonna get along and we're
Speaker 1: gonna have a friendship for a long time. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: would feel like if I confirm that bias, I've not
Speaker 1: tried it before. Then I would feel like I fit
Speaker 1: in with you. And that's kind of how we were
Speaker 1: trained is wired to kind of for harmony. Correct, we're
Speaker 1: wired for harmony, but we look to harmonize over the
Speaker 1: wrong thing. We harmon and then what happens. This is
Speaker 1: an our case. But then you say you like this,
Speaker 1: and I'm like great, and then I liked And now
Speaker 1: you just made a friend that you don't want. Yeah, totally.
Speaker 1: And now every time I come here, you give me
Speaker 1: this drink. Yes, it's sort of like it's dishonest. And
Speaker 1: I think that that served us really well in tribal
Speaker 1: times when we needed safety from the tribes before alarm
Speaker 1: systems and locks on doors because we needed safety from everyone, right,
Speaker 1: But now these are these like obsolete tools that are
Speaker 1: frankly liabilities. Like to me, I see an epidemic of
Speaker 1: just being too nice. Creating harmony with toxic people does
Speaker 1: not benefit you, no, and over dishonest things, I think
Speaker 1: that's really important that you can connect. And also when
Speaker 1: you're looking at a thing or an object or a
Speaker 1: like or a dislike to connect, it's it's pretty shallow
Speaker 1: ground to connect on because you may change your mind
Speaker 1: about that drink tomorrow, and now we're talking about drinks.
Speaker 1: But you may change your mind on a hobby. You
Speaker 1: may change your mind on an interest, you may change
Speaker 1: your mind on an activity. But usually people stay pretty
Speaker 1: grounded to values and qualities. And that's kind of this
Speaker 1: confirmation bias has just created so many issues because we
Speaker 1: also go around and look for people who confirm our biases.
Speaker 1: So then we get into this bubble and this cloud
Speaker 1: of thinking that we can't break. You're making me realize something.
Speaker 1: I think that is just we all can look at
Speaker 1: we are we love black and white thinking, because humans
Speaker 1: love can we want an answer even if it's the
Speaker 1: wrong answer. Yeah, we just want true so that we
Speaker 1: have some samblets of control. And I'm in this new
Speaker 1: relationship and I find myself wanting to it's not a relationship.
Speaker 1: What am I saying? Black and white thinking? It's somewhere
Speaker 1: in between. We're not dating, if we're not together. I
Speaker 1: want so badly to feel safe. My inner child needs
Speaker 1: an answer so bad that I'm like, do you like
Speaker 1: to travel or do you not like to travel? And
Speaker 1: He'll be like, well, it depends on where I'm traveling
Speaker 1: and I'm like, well, what's the you know, and so
Speaker 1: do you cheat or do you not cheat? And he's like, well,
Speaker 1: it's different with me. None of these answers are going
Speaker 1: to apply to me because this is a new situation.
Speaker 1: But it's made me realize how anxious, you know, preoccupied,
Speaker 1: and how much I perseverate and how much my inner
Speaker 1: child panics, which she doesn't have an answer yes. And
Speaker 1: I think if we just acknowledge, like you talk about
Speaker 1: in this book and are being so elegant about enough,
Speaker 1: we just acknowledge our need for the polarity, we can
Speaker 1: then release it. It's just like even the awareness of
Speaker 1: knowing totally. And we're all so much more proportions and
Speaker 1: percentages in different scenarios than we are one or the other.
Speaker 1: And it's the same thing I say to people when
Speaker 1: they're like, oh, yeah, you know, I don't know if
Speaker 1: my intention is completely pure or if it's material or spiritual.
Speaker 1: I'm like, we're both all of it. Like it's all
Speaker 1: of it, like me, dude, Like we all are like you,
Speaker 1: just you're always trying to move in the right direction.
Speaker 1: The problem is we're addicted to a right decision right
Speaker 1: and that's the problem that we're just trying to move
Speaker 1: into the right direction. We're just moving closer to that.
Speaker 1: And as long as you're moving closer in the right
Speaker 1: direction with someone, with yourself, with whatever it is that
Speaker 1: you're learning, don't give so much emphasis to the decision
Speaker 1: that the direct onset, you know, the destination, all of
Speaker 1: that kind of you're so right about what you just
Speaker 1: said about the child and so many of us not
Speaker 1: having had clarity as young people about where we stood
Speaker 1: with our parents or where we stood with our partners,
Speaker 1: and now we demand what we did or didn't get
Speaker 1: from our parents in our relationships. It's the unfinished business. Yes,
Speaker 1: you know. It's sort of like it took me so
Speaker 1: long to stop recreating my childhood circumstances because I think
Speaker 1: we have this subconscious pull obviously to recreate the neurochemical
Speaker 1: cocktail that's comfortable for us. It's like when you see
Speaker 1: someone in a crazy relationship, You're like, how do they
Speaker 1: deal with that? All day? They're in a cocoon. They
Speaker 1: are so comfortable doing it, that is all they know.
Speaker 1: It's like the devil, you know, And I find myself
Speaker 1: recreating my childhood circumstances and yes, trying to basically just
Speaker 1: heal that wound. Heal that wound. Who's gonna heal it?
Speaker 1: Who's going to fix it? And it's there, no one
Speaker 1: now have to do it. Yeah, there's a beautiful statement
Speaker 1: that you reminded me of by a monk named tick Natan.
Speaker 1: He's incredible, and he said that we choose familiar pain
Speaker 1: over unfamiliar pain every time, we just repeat it because
Speaker 1: that familiar pain gives us a feeling of safety, of
Speaker 1: security of like I know what pain I'm going to feel,
Speaker 1: and I'd rather keep repeating it than maybe venture out
Speaker 1: into this new land of unfamiliar pain, which I don't
Speaker 1: know what it feels like. It's comfortable. Yeah, it's like
Speaker 1: that pair of heels that always gives you a blister.
Speaker 1: I got the bandaid, Like it's amazing. How And I
Speaker 1: think that I'm glad that we're talking about this because
Speaker 1: we are so adaptable, Like there's so many people that
Speaker 1: reach out to me though, like is it too late
Speaker 1: for me to change? Is it too late for me
Speaker 1: to go to alan on meetings? Is it too late
Speaker 1: for me to stop being jealous and possessive and a
Speaker 1: love addict or sex adict or whatever. And I'm like, dude,
Speaker 1: we think about how quickly you adjusted to those sandals
Speaker 1: that are giving you blisters. You were like just put
Speaker 1: in a band aid and I'm just going to take
Speaker 1: them off after an hour at the wedding, Like we
Speaker 1: actually can't adjust so quickly. That's a great analogy. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna I'm gonna share that now from now and I
Speaker 1: love that one. I'm gonna be like, yeah, Writty and
Speaker 1: me and we're like, yeah, this is that's a brilliant analogy.
Speaker 1: I love it. You're gonna talk about blisters. I'm going
Speaker 1: to do about blisters and heels and when I wear heels,
Speaker 1: you'll really fit in an Okay, there's a Vedic personality
Speaker 1: test in your book. Will you tell me about it?
Speaker 1: So when I lived as a monk and we studied
Speaker 1: the Vedas, I came across this incredible concept named dharma,
Speaker 1: and dharma is very difficult to translate into English, but
Speaker 1: when you do it, the closest things are eternal purpose
Speaker 1: and inherent nature or your natural inclination, and those are
Speaker 1: things It's almost like, well, what is your natural, most effortless,
Speaker 1: flow filled state that you can live by that you
Speaker 1: feel fulfilled in right. And so when you break that down,
Speaker 1: you get dharma basically equates to an equation which is
Speaker 1: passion plus strengths plus compassion. What is at the center
Speaker 1: of all of that that is dharma. And so the
Speaker 1: personality test that I give is to help you, and
Speaker 1: I've loved so first of all, there is no personality
Speaker 1: test or astrological chat that's going to give you the
Speaker 1: answer that you need. But they're good indicators. And seeing
Speaker 1: you're trying to say astrology is not a science. I
Speaker 1: mean it is a science, last but I'm not sure
Speaker 1: how many people can do it properly. But this personality
Speaker 1: test was put in there to help people get closer
Speaker 1: to the answer. And that's what I think all of
Speaker 1: these tools do. It's just about moving you in the
Speaker 1: right direction. But you're making me realize, like I want
Speaker 1: to do a couple of these. Yeah, let's do it.
Speaker 1: Has anyone done this? Has anyone given you the vadic
Speaker 1: personality test? I've don't know my own, but publicly, oh no, no,
Speaker 1: no, no no, no, oh great, Oh let's do it? Oh great,
Speaker 1: oh great? Yeah, I love that this. I just love
Speaker 1: this book because it's like it's real tools. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: there's a lot of like by a crystal water bottle
Speaker 1: and your life will get better, Like what are you
Speaker 1: talking about? Use charcoal toothpaste and you'll find your soulmate.
Speaker 1: Like this is actual, like how to rewire your brain,
Speaker 1: how to get to know yourself better with actual tools
Speaker 1: instead of just like and quotes that are always attributed
Speaker 1: to Oscar Wild even though he didn't say half that
Speaker 1: and we know it. Okay, you're going to answer these
Speaker 1: questions as who you believe you are at the core,
Speaker 1: beyond what friends, family, or society have made you. Choose
Speaker 1: which of the following sounds And I want you guys
Speaker 1: to follow along and take this quiz with us. Like it.
Speaker 1: Which of the following sounds most like what you're about?
Speaker 1: Values and wisdom, integrity and perfection, work hard, play hard,
Speaker 1: or stability and balance. Yeah, so a very important question.
Speaker 1: I'm going to add a caveat to help everyone out
Speaker 1: as well, seeing as this is the first time everyone's
Speaker 1: doing it public age. Everyone's follow along, get your pen
Speaker 1: and paper. Is you're not trying to answer it as
Speaker 1: what your job's made you. You're not trying to answer
Speaker 1: as what you've become because of something like sometimes we
Speaker 1: become something because we had to become it to be
Speaker 1: more successful. You want to answer it at your core,
Speaker 1: and the closer you get, and that's hard. I get that,
Speaker 1: that's that's not easy to do. But the more you
Speaker 1: keep asking yourself the course, sometimes they say to this,
Speaker 1: like the first thing you think of is you. That's
Speaker 1: actually not true. It's it's actually you need more stillness,
Speaker 1: silence and solitude in space to actually slow down a
Speaker 1: bit and go, well, what am I really? And it's
Speaker 1: also not your ideal self. So that's the other mistakes
Speaker 1: he extremes. Again, we oscillate between our society self and
Speaker 1: ideal self. So then people answer it's like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's the one I want to be. So it's not
Speaker 1: that either. As I'm looking at this WHOA, I was like, well,
Speaker 1: this is what my dad would have wanted. My dad
Speaker 1: would have wanted work hard, play hard. And I was
Speaker 1: going to pick work hard, play hard. It should be
Speaker 1: work hard, cry hard. But I think i'm values in wisdom. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and so I am too. Oh this is a good one.
Speaker 1: What role do you play in your friend's circle and family? Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm comfortable dealing with conflict and helping people find middle ground.
Speaker 1: My role as the mediator B I make sure everything
Speaker 1: and everyone is taken care of. My role as the protector.
Speaker 1: I feel like that might be me. I helped my
Speaker 1: family understand work at the hustle and the value of
Speaker 1: having resources. My role is material support. I think I'm
Speaker 1: that now. Hit my venmo D. I focus on nurturing
Speaker 1: and wanting a healthy and con tent family. My role
Speaker 1: as emotional. So I'll give it again another another side
Speaker 1: note for everyone who's watching and listening, you probably do
Speaker 1: all four of these. I was going to say, I'm
Speaker 1: so glad we're doing this together because I've picked five
Speaker 1: different ones and now that you're here, yeah, we can
Speaker 1: talk about it. That's my point. So you're going to
Speaker 1: feel and especially when you read these, you're always going
Speaker 1: to feel like you're everything. And the reason for that
Speaker 1: is we've never really spent the time to think about
Speaker 1: who we really are. And also I shape shift and
Speaker 1: I'm different basically, no, I'm worth and who people want
Speaker 1: me to be? Correct, And so you want to pull
Speaker 1: back again and go, I am all four? But in
Speaker 1: which order? Am I? Right? So you want to break
Speaker 1: you down and be like, well, which one do I
Speaker 1: prioritize the first? So I'll give an example. It's almost
Speaker 1: like if you were put into a situation where you
Speaker 1: had to make a choice, which one do you say?
Speaker 1: This is the first thing I think about, right, this
Speaker 1: is the first thing I think about when it comes
Speaker 1: to my family. So if you heard if someone called
Speaker 1: you up and said, I want to tell you something
Speaker 1: about your family, which is the first thing that you
Speaker 1: think of that comes to your mind? The mediate? Would
Speaker 1: you protect you, material support or emotional? Correct? Like, which
Speaker 1: one do you feel drawn to play as a role
Speaker 1: first and first? Correct? First and most? Because you are
Speaker 1: all of them, we all are, I think protector, right'
Speaker 1: I'm like vicious about that. I'm the mediator. Really, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm the mediator. I have been since I was a kid,
Speaker 1: Like Switzerland, you're neutral? That it like, yeah, kind of. No,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't say I'm neutral. I would say that I'm yeah.
Speaker 1: Maybe I guess that's a definition of judgment. Yeah, the
Speaker 1: one they can see all sides. I try to. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I've always been that way, and that really annoys my
Speaker 1: family because people in my family would be like, why
Speaker 1: don't you see it from my side more than you
Speaker 1: see it from there. A nightmare. I'm terrible, monk, terrible,
Speaker 1: terrible to have a monk in the families. No way
Speaker 1: you can ever be communicate me. Yeah, there's no way
Speaker 1: you can win and fight with the mom. What is
Speaker 1: the most important to you in a partner? Number A literacy,
Speaker 1: A honest and smart, be strong, presence in power, see
Speaker 1: fun and dynamic, d reliable and respectful, all of the above. No,
Speaker 1: that's not good credit. Yeah, let's not neither of them again?
Speaker 1: You want all four? Yeah, it's better again. And therefore,
Speaker 1: a lot of relationships come down into two areas where
Speaker 1: we get to the polygamy part of Jay's philosopy. That's
Speaker 1: that's chapter didn't make the book, But that's important because
Speaker 1: the two sides of that are in a relationship, you
Speaker 1: have priorities and preferences. Right, there are things that you
Speaker 1: will prioritize that you really want in someone, and then
Speaker 1: they have to be preferences where you're like, that's a bonus.
Speaker 1: I like that, but it's not all going to be there. Nice. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it would be nice, exactly what mean it's not essential?
Speaker 1: I wanted to say a honest and smart, and that
Speaker 1: is super important to me. But strong presence and power.
Speaker 1: I'm embarrassed to admit it, and I'm ashamed, but I
Speaker 1: do lose attraction to people if they're not powerful like
Speaker 1: I like to feel. You shouldn't be ashamed of that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you shouldn't embarrassed about that. A tool, Okay, tall, All
Speaker 1: I care about is tall, I'm sure sure, But you should.
Speaker 1: I need I do need someone who feels powerful, who
Speaker 1: I feel protected by. That's looking for a father, but
Speaker 1: that's yeah, I get it. But you definitely shouldn't feel
Speaker 1: embarrassed about it. And I think that's partly what it is,
Speaker 1: is that when we do these activities, we kind of
Speaker 1: look for the one that makes us feel the most
Speaker 1: comfortable and happy rather than the one that's actually true.
Speaker 1: And that's why we attract the wrong people into our life.
Speaker 1: And that's why we spend ten years with someone and
Speaker 1: we're not sure they're the right person, but because they
Speaker 1: looked good on paper. And just be honest with it.
Speaker 1: As I'm taking the quiz, I'm trying to impress Jay
Speaker 1: with a good answer instead of saying the truth, and
Speaker 1: the truth impresses me more. The imps people like you
Speaker 1: so much more. Well, like, when you're trying to get
Speaker 1: validation from people, the irony is trying to get it,
Speaker 1: and being anctuous is what's repellent. Yeah, so just being
Speaker 1: honest is what makes people like you at all. Take
Speaker 1: me so longer realize that, and all of these ideas
Speaker 1: have implanted in our minds. This is a good question
Speaker 1: that I struggled with, answering what do you watch most
Speaker 1: often on TV? A documentaries, biographies, and human observations, the entertainment, politics,
Speaker 1: current affairs see comedy, sport, drama, motivational stories, d soap operas,
Speaker 1: reality TV, family gossip, daytime shows. And I'm curious if
Speaker 1: the motive matters, because I definitely watched documentaries. Biography is
Speaker 1: the most, but it's because I'm insecure about my intelligence.
Speaker 1: It's embarrassing to admit, but I watched TV as a
Speaker 1: way to try to get smarter, to try to get information,
Speaker 1: to try to be interesting, and to try because my
Speaker 1: biggest fear in life is being boring in a conversation,
Speaker 1: or not knowing something that someone else knows, and or
Speaker 1: like having the fomo and a group where everyone's seen
Speaker 1: something and I haven't. So it's like, if everyone's watching
Speaker 1: a documentary, I'm like, I have to watch it so
Speaker 1: that I'm not left out. So does it matter that
Speaker 1: that's why I want pick a? No, because it's mixed again.
Speaker 1: So what I heard in there is there's a lot
Speaker 1: of values and wisdom there, Like you want to have
Speaker 1: more knowledge, you want to have more insight. Now the
Speaker 1: reason you want to have it isn't perfect, but that's
Speaker 1: not bad. It's still a great It's better to be
Speaker 1: informed than uninformed. Yeah, so you're winning already. But I
Speaker 1: think all of us have to move in our values.
Speaker 1: So I've given it. This is gonna sum it up
Speaker 1: really beautifully. The Bugga geeta. There's three intentions behind everything,
Speaker 1: and they're either the mode of ignorance, the motive passion,
Speaker 1: or the mode of goodness. So there are these three
Speaker 1: modes that any action, any habit, any intention can be
Speaker 1: done in. So the mode of ignorance is when you
Speaker 1: do things out of fear or anxiety. The mode of
Speaker 1: passion is when you do things for desire or result,
Speaker 1: and the mode of goodness is when you do things
Speaker 1: from love or compassion or curiosity. Like that, they're kind
Speaker 1: of like love or thirst, and so in that most
Speaker 1: of us, including me, our state of being is very
Speaker 1: mode of ignorance. We do most of what we do
Speaker 1: out of fear and anxiety. And the problem with that
Speaker 1: is is that when you do something out of fear
Speaker 1: and anxiety, it doesn't suddenly transform into love and compassion
Speaker 1: or joy or meaning or purpose. It stays that way
Speaker 1: and continues to perpetuate that cycle of needing to get
Speaker 1: more of that fear and anxiety. So that's something that
Speaker 1: we can push an upgrade from. So next time you
Speaker 1: want to do something and you're watching a documentary, be like,
Speaker 1: all right, right now, I'm starting this by doing it
Speaker 1: because I'm scared of not looking smart or not being conversationalist.
Speaker 1: But actually, you know what, this time, I'm going to
Speaker 1: intentionally change my intention to be because I'm going to
Speaker 1: do it's I just love being informed and I want
Speaker 1: to be informed. I can share this and you literally
Speaker 1: do that intentionally, and you will see how your experience changes.
Speaker 1: It's that metaphysical, like literally sitting there and just literally
Speaker 1: walking yourself through it and changing your mindset around something
Speaker 1: can change your experience of it. As soon as you
Speaker 1: feel guilty or judge yourself or criticize yourself. You actually
Speaker 1: start losing energy to that, and that's the same energy
Speaker 1: that's going to help you get out of that. And
Speaker 1: so as monks, it was almost like you would laugh
Speaker 1: when you'd catch yourself letting the monkey mind go lose.
Speaker 1: And so in the beginning the book, as we've got
Speaker 1: the monkey mind in the monk mind, the monk might
Speaker 1: almost laughs when it notices the monkey and goes, okay,
Speaker 1: I saw you, I see you, I see you my fear,
Speaker 1: I see ego, I see what you're trying to do there.
Speaker 1: And it's that kind of like fun, playful spotting. It's
Speaker 1: almost like you just saw your dog running around out side.
Speaker 1: You're like, I can stay mad at you. Yeah, that's
Speaker 1: silly good exactly. I love that. And that's something we
Speaker 1: do in STEP programs, is you befriend your character defects
Speaker 1: because they are trying to protect you. They're trying to
Speaker 1: help you. It's like when your dog goes out and
Speaker 1: barks at the mailman and you're like, you know, it's
Speaker 1: not a threat, but the dog is just trying to
Speaker 1: protect you, you know. And so the chance that the
Speaker 1: dog's right when it isn't the mailman, Like yes, because
Speaker 1: sometimes those those tools worked really well and there were
Speaker 1: real threats back in the day and those tools weapons
Speaker 1: were very necessary, but they just third now obsolete. Like
Speaker 1: the war is over right, as we say in program,
Speaker 1: the war is over. You lost? Like just I love that,
Speaker 1: Like just sort of having levity around the your negative
Speaker 1: inner monologue or your negative thoughts, like you don't have
Speaker 1: to take them seriously. They don't have to. It's like
Speaker 1: watching Star Wars or say it's it's it's just a
Speaker 1: it's just a science fiction movie. I'm not good enough.
Speaker 1: He doesn't like me. I suck. I'm gonna be alone forever,
Speaker 1: like you they those don't have to be true. It's like, oh,
Speaker 1: those are just crazy thoughts and they're silly and yeah,
Speaker 1: I love that and yeah. And what we do in
Speaker 1: you know program is if you have a character defect,
Speaker 1: sometimes you name them, like your selfishness has your name,
Speaker 1: and you're like, hey, Bill, like what are you doing
Speaker 1: here today? Oh you want to come say hi, like
Speaker 1: I don't need you today. I'm good. You know, you
Speaker 1: can sit back on the bench like don't need you
Speaker 1: in the game today. Yeah. I love that. I love that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and trust programs amazing. It's so well designed from a
Speaker 1: human psychology point of view. And it's just that naming
Speaker 1: peep voices in your head is brilliant. Yes, it's so
Speaker 1: important making them characters, because then otherwise you think they you.
Speaker 1: That's the point, that's the whole point of it. Yeah.
Speaker 1: What causes you the most pain A feeling like I
Speaker 1: don't live up to my own expectations, be the state
Speaker 1: of the world, see, a sense of rejection, d feeling
Speaker 1: disconnected from friends and family. Yeah, that's a big one.
Speaker 1: Repeat the first one again. Feeling like I don't live
Speaker 1: up to my own expectations. Yeah, is that the first one? Yes? Yeah, yes,
Speaker 1: that can be here as you think. Yeah, that's definitely one.
Speaker 1: What causes you the most pain? This is a tricky one.
Speaker 1: Being rejected by men I don't even like um. Yeah
Speaker 1: that one. Feeling like I don't live up to my
Speaker 1: own expectations. Yeah, that's definitely my lie. But but my
Speaker 1: own expectations are outrageous, They're ridiculous. But that's why we
Speaker 1: shouldn't feel that. Yeah, and by the way, I've achieved
Speaker 1: most of them against all us I should just be
Speaker 1: like thinking I'm awesome, you should and instead I'm like,
Speaker 1: I achieved that impossible thing, but I was wearing the
Speaker 1: wrong shirt. Yeah, and I had sweatstains. You gave a
Speaker 1: terrible speech, yes, yeah, gave a terrible speech. You get
Speaker 1: or I'll go like, like you killed with that speech,
Speaker 1: and then I'll be like, oh god, how much attention
Speaker 1: do you need? How desperate? Like oh yeah, we do that,
Speaker 1: but constantly it's just it's just so roasting myself, roasting yourself.
Speaker 1: You've just reminded me of one of my favorite stories
Speaker 1: that that actually I didn't put in the book. It's
Speaker 1: it's a story told by the Buddha. Feeling you'll get
Speaker 1: another offer for a book, feeling you'll have a sequel here.
Speaker 1: It's a it's a story that the Buddhy used to tell.
Speaker 1: And in this story, it's like this person comes across
Speaker 1: a river and it's a fast flowing river, and the
Speaker 1: person wants to get across to get to their destination.
Speaker 1: And so they're looking at and going, okay, well what
Speaker 1: do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
Speaker 1: And they start noticing that there's some bamboo sticks around,
Speaker 1: they can find some rope. They can find some things
Speaker 1: to make a little raft. So they start gathering all
Speaker 1: of this stuff, laying it on top of each other,
Speaker 1: trying to tie it all up together, and they finally
Speaker 1: create this raft. And then they create a little oar
Speaker 1: with a stick, and then they go onto the water
Speaker 1: and they get to the other side. And when they
Speaker 1: get to the other side, they go this person says, oh, wow,
Speaker 1: this raft literally saved my life, Like this raft is amazing.
Speaker 1: Without this raft, I would never have crossed this river.
Speaker 1: And so what they do is they strapped the raft
Speaker 1: to their back because they're like, I have to take
Speaker 1: this raft with me because it's so important to me.
Speaker 1: And so they start walking, start walking, start walking, and
Speaker 1: now as they walk away, they now come through one
Speaker 1: of the most wooded lands in the world. So all
Speaker 1: these trees are in front of them, and they start
Speaker 1: trying to get through, and they realize that they can't
Speaker 1: get through because this raft is strapped to their back
Speaker 1: and they're trying to let maneuver and swish through. And
Speaker 1: then they come to realize and the person realizes that
Speaker 1: actually this raft that got them here is not going
Speaker 1: to help them go through this and they have to
Speaker 1: let go of the raft. They have to let go
Speaker 1: of the thing that actually saved them in the past
Speaker 1: or help them get through the past because it's no
Speaker 1: longer relevant today. And the Buddha obviously goes on to
Speaker 1: tell us that that's our habits, that's how our mindsets,
Speaker 1: that's even our skills and our strengths. We may have
Speaker 1: had something that saved us five years ago, ten years ago,
Speaker 1: but don't hold on to it because you think it's
Speaker 1: still useful, because actually it could make your life a
Speaker 1: living hell. Like trying to get a raft through the
Speaker 1: wooded land would actually be a lot harder. But what
Speaker 1: if there's another river, Then you'll build another, Then you
Speaker 1: build another raft. That's the point you're building that bridge.
Speaker 1: You'll figure out again because you know you've done it
Speaker 1: before so that you can always go back to. But
Speaker 1: sometimes you have to leave behind the tools or at
Speaker 1: least put them back in the tool kit for now
Speaker 1: and learn another tool or learn another approach. And I
Speaker 1: think that's what twelve step is, That's what this is.
Speaker 1: That's what everything we're discussing is just us going, oh, well,
Speaker 1: there may be a tool that I haven't yet going
Speaker 1: my tool books that's going to help me, which is
Speaker 1: why we say one day at a time, because we
Speaker 1: go not yesterday, not tomorrow. What about just now? Yeah? Right,
Speaker 1: you know, so stop trying to solve problems or anticipate
Speaker 1: problems from five days from now, and you can't stay
Speaker 1: clean on the shower you took yesterday. What is your
Speaker 1: favorite way of working? Ay, alone but with mentors and guides.
Speaker 1: B in a team as a leader. CE independently but
Speaker 1: with a strong network. D in a team as a member. See,
Speaker 1: I have this constitutional need to be special, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: none of these apply to me because I'm so special,
Speaker 1: which is me. I'd said that, which it's important. It's
Speaker 1: a big part of the addictive personality to go. No
Speaker 1: one understands me, no one knows the kind of pain
Speaker 1: I'm in. I'm so unique, no one will ever get me,
Speaker 1: which is why I need to do this addictive behavior.
Speaker 1: And I'm different. So I had I'm having a little
Speaker 1: bit of that's good. I'm having a little bit of
Speaker 1: it come up right now. I would say, well, because
Speaker 1: I'm like, I do this weird job where I do
Speaker 1: stand up and it's so I would say it would
Speaker 1: be independently but with a strong network because I do
Speaker 1: what I do independently, but I couldn't do without the
Speaker 1: fans in the Yeah. So yeah, it's this This question
Speaker 1: is all about the energy that you thrive in. So
Speaker 1: a lot of people, for example, feel the pressure today
Speaker 1: to be leaders or entrepreneurs or CEOs because almost like
Speaker 1: there's this influx of like excitement in the industry today
Speaker 1: of seeing more people be founders, and now everyone thinks
Speaker 1: they have to be a founder, or everyone thinks they
Speaker 1: have to be a YouTuber because that's the cool thing.
Speaker 1: And so so it's like everyone wants to be the
Speaker 1: front of house. Interesting when actually a lot of us
Speaker 1: thrive being Steven Spielberg, right, or a lot of us
Speaker 1: thrive being the person behind the camera. A lot of
Speaker 1: us thrive being the two wonderful people that we have
Speaker 1: it today or recording like there's that's what we call it.
Speaker 1: That's what my therapist always says. She's like, be a
Speaker 1: worker bee. You don't always you have my matchbox with bees.
Speaker 1: You don't always have to be the face or the
Speaker 1: hero of our correct sometimes you're not the best qualified.
Speaker 1: Everyone is sort of the queen Bee of there. There's
Speaker 1: everyone's a what did you say, everyone's the singer. Yeah,
Speaker 1: just the band looks different. You know, that's interesting, like
Speaker 1: like my producer is a singer. Like everyone's a singer.
Speaker 1: There's no background, it's just a different dynamic. Yeah. And
Speaker 1: I definitely see total value in that mindset, and then
Speaker 1: you see it the way that people can apply it
Speaker 1: to their life. So there's this great conversation between Steve
Speaker 1: Wasniac and Steve Jobs, and they acted out in the
Speaker 1: movie that they made, and so Steve Wasniak and I'm
Speaker 1: a big Steve Jobs fan and it's if you haven't
Speaker 1: read Walter Isaacson's book on him, it's amazing. And so
Speaker 1: Steve Wasnieks looking at Steve Jobs and having an argument,
Speaker 1: and he says to Steve Jobs, guess, well, what do
Speaker 1: you even do? And imagine looking at Steve Jobs and
Speaker 1: going what do you even do? And and Steve Wozniac goes,
Speaker 1: you're not an engineer, you're not a coder, you're not
Speaker 1: an artist, you're not a marketer or whatever. He says.
Speaker 1: He says, what do you even do? And Steve Jobs says,
Speaker 1: musicians played their instruments. I played the orchestra. Yeah, And
Speaker 1: it's that understanding of the unique strength of like there
Speaker 1: may be the best violin player, or there may be
Speaker 1: the best string quartet there, but his role was not
Speaker 1: being good at any of those. He doesn't have to
Speaker 1: play the violin or the viola or the whatever it is.
Speaker 1: He knows how to bring it together. And I think
Speaker 1: that's what we get confused by sometimes, is that we
Speaker 1: see the people on the front cover of magazines or
Speaker 1: the front of the show, and we think that's who
Speaker 1: I need to be to be happy or successful. It
Speaker 1: takes fifty people to make them a person, and you know,
Speaker 1: and it took me. You know, I made a movie.
Speaker 1: I kept thinking, I'm directing a movie. I'm directing a movie.
Speaker 1: I'm starring in the movie. And you think I'm the
Speaker 1: most important person here. I have all this pressure. I mean,
Speaker 1: the most important person on a movie set is the
Speaker 1: sound engineer, someone who they will never know his or
Speaker 1: her name. Necessarily, they are the most important person on
Speaker 1: a movie. You don't realize until you get in posts.
Speaker 1: You know, costume most important. So you know, I think
Speaker 1: that we are. I'm so glad you brought that up,
Speaker 1: because we are in such like a me moment. I'm
Speaker 1: just everyone can. It's becoming more democratic, the fame and
Speaker 1: wealth and rising to fame, and yet everything's a team
Speaker 1: and you have to be able to play well with
Speaker 1: others and respect other people's com Yeah, and actually, as talent,
Speaker 1: you will respect your team more because you realize the
Speaker 1: value they bring when you know your verdic personality type
Speaker 1: in your dam By the way, we're seeing sorry more
Speaker 1: and more the people who don't understand that are getting canceled. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like it's the jig is up, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. Like the people who are now there's that
Speaker 1: human resources department really get Yeah. Yeah, I'm the top
Speaker 1: one again. You're alone, but with mentors and guides. Correct.
Speaker 1: I function best when I have a lot of space,
Speaker 1: when I have a lot of stillness, when I'm alone,
Speaker 1: when I'm working with myself, and I can tap into
Speaker 1: like people who've really excelled in their fields. And by
Speaker 1: the way, for a long period of time, that was
Speaker 1: just books, Like I grew up reading biographies and autobiographies
Speaker 1: because that's all I had access to growing up. So
Speaker 1: I loved reading about m Okay and Malcolm X and
Speaker 1: Steve Jobs, and I devide Beckham the first autobiographer. I
Speaker 1: read and it was just yeah, and it's just you know,
Speaker 1: I was. I was drawn towards real life stories because
Speaker 1: I couldn't ask them myself. How would your ideal self
Speaker 1: spend spare time ay, reading, in deep discussion and reflecting,
Speaker 1: be learning about issues, and are attending political events? See,
Speaker 1: there's no such thing as spare time networking, connecting working,
Speaker 1: that's mine. D enjoying time with family and friends, mine
Speaker 1: would be there's no such thing as spare time networking,
Speaker 1: connecting working, that's mine. I have shame around it, but
Speaker 1: it's the truth. But there's no shame in it. Yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: there's no shame in it. It's fine, Okay, it's who
Speaker 1: you are. You're right, You're right. The idea is to
Speaker 1: get to know your authentic self, not judge, and then
Speaker 1: decide whether you want to and I can actually address
Speaker 1: it correct. Yeah. Then otherwise, what we do is we
Speaker 1: make our intentional and ideal self feel like who we are. Right,
Speaker 1: So what we do is we go, Okay, that's the
Speaker 1: one I feel embarrassed about being. So I'm actually just
Speaker 1: going to say I'm my ideal self in my heart
Speaker 1: because that's what I'm really trying to be. So I'll
Speaker 1: give an example of what I mean by that. There's
Speaker 1: a there's a really good study that I shared in
Speaker 1: the book about the Good Samaritans. So the Good Samaritans
Speaker 1: obviously trained to be good people and do good in
Speaker 1: the world and be kind to people. They're told that
Speaker 1: they have to give a speech on being a good Samaritan,
Speaker 1: and they have to go from their classroom in Building
Speaker 1: A to the exam room in Building B where they
Speaker 1: will be tested, and I have to give this speech.
Speaker 1: But they're told literally like fifteen minutes before they have
Speaker 1: to do it, so they're all stressing out. So they're
Speaker 1: stressing out, the stressing out, the stressing out. They run
Speaker 1: down the building. They're trying to run across to their
Speaker 1: exam room because they're told, you've got fifteen minutes you've
Speaker 1: got to give this speech. They're practicing on the way
Speaker 1: and someone with a really hurt leg is lying on
Speaker 1: the floor. The decoy it's not real, and there's someone
Speaker 1: with the hurt leg lying on the floor. And they
Speaker 1: found that over fifty percent of the Good Samaritans ignored
Speaker 1: the person who is in pain on the floor to
Speaker 1: go and give a speech. About being a good Samaritan.
Speaker 1: So they didn't actually do the act of being a
Speaker 1: good Samaritan. And that's what happens when our intention of
Speaker 1: being a higher self doesn't match with the action of
Speaker 1: being a higher self. And so when you're addressing you say, actually,
Speaker 1: you know what, I should have stopped and taking care
Speaker 1: of that person and help them up and you know,
Speaker 1: been better to them, and okay, well then I can
Speaker 1: change to become that. But if you just ignore it
Speaker 1: and go, oh, yeah, but I know what the value is,
Speaker 1: I know what the higher values. Does that make sense? Yes,
Speaker 1: that's total sense. No, I was just my comedian brain
Speaker 1: kicked in going and I was just like, how good
Speaker 1: of an actor was the Oh you're like they were
Speaker 1: a terrible actor. Yeah. True. That is a really good point.
Speaker 1: I think I think you should make sure that you
Speaker 1: go into these studies and make sure they picked good actors.
Speaker 1: If the costume was terrible, I have to I'll come
Speaker 1: back later and do this weird. That is brilliant. That brilliant.
Speaker 1: I love that. That is brilliant. I never thought of
Speaker 1: that all along. It was the bad acts. Hard to
Speaker 1: pretend it was the bad act when you're really in pain.
Speaker 1: You're just kind of quiet and there and the ketch up. Yeah.
Speaker 1: How would you describe yourself in three words? He idealistic, introverted, insightful,
Speaker 1: be driven, dedicated, determined, see passionate, motivated, friendly, decaring, loving, loyal. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I have to be honest. I want to be passionate, motivated,
Speaker 1: and friendly, and I think I am those things. But
Speaker 1: if I'm going to be honest, I'm be driven dedicated
Speaker 1: into terms. I wake up like me too. Got gotta
Speaker 1: achieve something, gotta do it. I'm with you on that.
Speaker 1: Gotta be passionate, motivated and friendly and caring and loving
Speaker 1: and loyal. It's like you know, so, I think it's
Speaker 1: See in what type of environment do you work best?
Speaker 1: A remote, still, silent natural, be a meeting room or
Speaker 1: gathering place, see anywhere and everywhere, d a specific a
Speaker 1: space specific to my type of work, home, office, laboratory.
Speaker 1: I think I work best in a meeting or gathering space.
Speaker 1: I do need to be accountable. I need and I
Speaker 1: need to be a little bit competitive. If I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be honest, I need to see other people working, even
Speaker 1: if it's a if they're not even working, even if
Speaker 1: they're secretly on Facebook and I pretend they're working and
Speaker 1: I think I'm falling behind, and it motivates me. Ye
Speaker 1: see the reason why what you just did and this
Speaker 1: is what I'm hoping everyone's going to do when they
Speaker 1: read this spot is it's so important to know that
Speaker 1: because now you actually have a pattern that you can repeat.
Speaker 1: And it's not true. And so most of us wake
Speaker 1: up in the morning and we go, I'm not motivated
Speaker 1: to work today, I don't like what I'm going to
Speaker 1: do today. I'm not happy to do whatever it is.
Speaker 1: And it's like, well, have you created the right environments?
Speaker 1: Have you put yourself in the right space, set yourself
Speaker 1: up to have you exactly? That's all it is. And
Speaker 1: the only way you'll know that is if you answer
Speaker 1: that question and have the reflection you didn't go, Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: if I go to a gathering place today, or if
Speaker 1: I go to this place and I'm around other people,
Speaker 1: let me see how I do. And then you'll go
Speaker 1: and you'll test it out and then you'll like, Okay,
Speaker 1: that didn't work, let me try the other one. Right,
Speaker 1: And so if you're unsure, it's just about trying all
Speaker 1: of these options rather than just leaving it up and
Speaker 1: also just in just surrendering to something not working going.
Speaker 1: I guess this is the way it's always going to be,
Speaker 1: exactly like, that's it easy, that's that one. How do
Speaker 1: you prepare for a vacation? Oh no, hey by picking
Speaker 1: my reading material, be, having a focused plan of key
Speaker 1: sites to visit. See with a list of the best bars, clubs,
Speaker 1: and restaurants. D with an easy going attitude. B for me,
Speaker 1: I mean we're both virgo September four in sex. Yeah,
Speaker 1: having a focused plan of key sites to visit. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I don't always have to do it, though. I am
Speaker 1: a person that I'll preplan, pre plan, pre plan, which
Speaker 1: I really encourage everyone to do this because I'm realizing
Speaker 1: that I need something to look forward to with planning things,
Speaker 1: to me is almost as good as doing them. Yeah yeah, ye,
Speaker 1: just having it in the calendar. So I'm that person
Speaker 1: that and I drive my wife crazy. I'm like, I
Speaker 1: need a schedule for the day to know what we
Speaker 1: want to achieve to do. The fact that your wife
Speaker 1: has the one man that makes a schedule and doesn't
Speaker 1: appreciate it and I will have words. I'm like, I
Speaker 1: want to schedule and even if we don't get to
Speaker 1: all of it, I'm okay with that, but I want
Speaker 1: to know that we made a plan and that we
Speaker 1: were trying to get to all of it. We need it.
Speaker 1: I want to know what what I'm going to experience it.
Speaker 1: But see, here is where we stop thinking people don't
Speaker 1: care about us in the sense of because our answer
Speaker 1: is be we think that if someone cares about me,
Speaker 1: then they will make a plan. But what we don't
Speaker 1: realize is that that's not how they so for them,
Speaker 1: how they feel loved and show love is easy going
Speaker 1: number D letter D. And that's where it gets so
Speaker 1: fragmented in relationships because we so I would be like
Speaker 1: that with my wife, would be like, well, you you
Speaker 1: obviously don't love me enough because you're not organized about
Speaker 1: the schedule of the day, and she was just but
Speaker 1: I just don't think like that. My parents never. My
Speaker 1: parents always did all the planning and we just went
Speaker 1: along with what they did. And where was my parents
Speaker 1: wanted me to plan and get involved. And so it's
Speaker 1: so interesting how we start looking at these things as
Speaker 1: gaps in our relationship and that's not necessarily true. How
Speaker 1: do you feel if you make a mistake. I feel
Speaker 1: guilty and ashamed. Yes, B, I have to tell everyone,
Speaker 1: see I want to hide it. D I reach out
Speaker 1: to someone supportive. I feel guilty and ashamed. I feel
Speaker 1: guilty and ashamed first, and then I probably do D,
Speaker 1: which is reach out to someone that can kind of
Speaker 1: give me some context on it. I kin reaching out
Speaker 1: to someone who I think holds me to hire standards
Speaker 1: and we'll be able to speak about it with me
Speaker 1: without judging me, because I need to not judge myself.
Speaker 1: And sometimes I feel like we need someone else in
Speaker 1: our life who doesn't judge us for a mistake, and
Speaker 1: we go, oh, okay, I don't have to judge when
Speaker 1: I realize you didn't even make one. Yeah, that's it
Speaker 1: might just be your perfection totally. My therapist always says,
Speaker 1: she's like, I have good news and bad news. Nobody cares,
Speaker 1: like this huge mistake you think everyone's obsessing about, like
Speaker 1: you're not trending. Yeah cares. Yeah. I love that one.
Speaker 1: And I think it's so important that people have different
Speaker 1: people they call for different things because the mistake we
Speaker 1: make again again, The opposite is that we tell one
Speaker 1: person everything ye or we tell everyone everything, and both
Speaker 1: of those don't work because that one person gets completely
Speaker 1: drained and distance from us because they can't deal with
Speaker 1: that level of overwhelm. And then when you tell everyone everything,
Speaker 1: we all know what that goes like. So it's so
Speaker 1: much more important to be like, Okay, when I have
Speaker 1: a career challenge, this is the person I go to.
Speaker 1: When I have this, I go to this And you
Speaker 1: may say, well, how do I start. It's important to
Speaker 1: start building those relationships with people in your life that
Speaker 1: have different skills that they provide you and you provide
Speaker 1: something back to them too. And also, don't go to
Speaker 1: the problem for the solution. And I think I tend
Speaker 1: to conflate that with I need to be honest and authentic.
Speaker 1: So sometimes we conflate over sharing with I'm gonna be
Speaker 1: authentic and I'm gonna set a boundary and I'm gonna
Speaker 1: tell them how I feel and I'm gonna be honest.
Speaker 1: That's not always healthy communication. Agreed, we say restrain a
Speaker 1: pen and tongue, like you like, if you're my problem,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to come to you and expect you
Speaker 1: to have the solution. You know, So I have a
Speaker 1: problem with my family, I might go to my friends
Speaker 1: or my program or my you know, Jay Chetty book
Speaker 1: or whatever it is, or my podcast to get a solution,
Speaker 1: and then I'll bring that solution to the relationship. And
Speaker 1: the solution might be to say nothing, yeah, and to
Speaker 1: have just dealt with to forgive, or to turn it over,
Speaker 1: or to go for a run or take a nap,
Speaker 1: or you know, join us twelve step program or something.
Speaker 1: Chances are the person you have a conflict can't solve
Speaker 1: the conflict for you, well said, because that's their issue
Speaker 1: in the first time. Yeah, you solve the conflict with them,
Speaker 1: but they're not going to solve it for you. One
Speaker 1: of my favorite tools in the relationships chapter is something
Speaker 1: that we had to do a lot as monks, where
Speaker 1: you're very careful about the words you use because you
Speaker 1: realize how much power each word has. And so there's
Speaker 1: a great study by Harvard which you can type in
Speaker 1: on Google. It's called the List of emotions, and I
Speaker 1: often refer to as emotional vocabulary. So all of us
Speaker 1: have a very limited emotional vocabulary. We literally use five
Speaker 1: words okay, good, bad, fine, Right, So it's like, how's
Speaker 1: your weak going, Okay, how's your David good? And so
Speaker 1: this list of emotions by Harvard goes through each keyword
Speaker 1: that we say most often and breaks it down into
Speaker 1: like seven other words that actually define what it means.
Speaker 1: So when you say you're sad, are you actually offended?
Speaker 1: Are you irritated? Are you upset? And it gives you
Speaker 1: all of these synonyms, but it's helping you diagnose and
Speaker 1: articulate how you actually feel. So when you do approach someone,
Speaker 1: you're actually coming from a place of giving them clarity.
Speaker 1: Because half the time you diagnose yourself wrong. It's like
Speaker 1: you see a little rash and you try and diagnose
Speaker 1: yourself on Google and you've got it all yeah, and
Speaker 1: you get it all wrong. So it's the same thing.
Speaker 1: So it's so important to use words where you've got
Speaker 1: really close to what you actually feel. That's the only
Speaker 1: way someone can active. And it's not the other person's
Speaker 1: job to cipher it. It's your job to be clear.
Speaker 1: It's your job to say it right. It's not their
Speaker 1: job to be psychic and figure it out. And you're
Speaker 1: an adult, it's your responsibility to use the right words.
Speaker 1: And you're in a conflict, and the positive words too,
Speaker 1: like it's it's defining also like, for example, when someone
Speaker 1: says I love you, they might mean I want to
Speaker 1: spend the night with you. And someone says I love you,
Speaker 1: and they're like, I want to spend my life with you.
Speaker 1: Those are two very different. And so when you hear
Speaker 1: the word love, you're projecting your belief of the definition
Speaker 1: of the word love onto that person saying it, and
Speaker 1: you go, I love you too, And you've just have
Speaker 1: not agreed on the definition of that, correct, And you've
Speaker 1: just projected your definition on what you said and they said,
Speaker 1: and you said that it met in your head, yes,
Speaker 1: because your word definition was off. And I know that
Speaker 1: sounds crazy, because when someone says I love You're not
Speaker 1: gonna be like, well, let's define what you mean. And
Speaker 1: did a whole bit on I love you and what
Speaker 1: it means, Oh, I love it. I have to agree
Speaker 1: on a common definition of love. And I think my
Speaker 1: definition of love is being willing to die for someone
Speaker 1: that you yourself want to kill. I think that sort
Speaker 1: it was, But it's also a lot of times I
Speaker 1: love you means shut up, like I love you, I
Speaker 1: love you, I mean. We use it to manipulate, we
Speaker 1: use it to tell someone to come down I love you, baby,
Speaker 1: I love you, Okay, I love you like. We use
Speaker 1: it a lot, it's thrown around a lot. Yeah, you
Speaker 1: know you have totally desert if you can find it,
Speaker 1: good luck. Um. What do you do when you have
Speaker 1: to make a big decision? Ay, I reflect privately. B.
Speaker 1: I ask my mentors and guide see, I weigh the
Speaker 1: pros and cons D I talk to family and friends.
Speaker 1: I'm really bad at making big decisions. I get very overwhelmed.
Speaker 1: But I usually think, if it's not a hell, yes,
Speaker 1: it's a no. Like it's the answers usually no. For
Speaker 1: any decision. For me, it's usually no. But it also
Speaker 1: depends on who. If it's an authority figure I have
Speaker 1: to tell, I'll sort of get scared that they're going
Speaker 1: to be mad at me, and I've to sort of
Speaker 1: worked through that. And then I'll ask mentors and guides,
Speaker 1: what do you think I should do? I'll outsource the
Speaker 1: decision to someone that's not because I get too emotional. Interesting,
Speaker 1: I go private minds. The first one I reflect privately, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I need to. Like I found that getting away from
Speaker 1: noise and everyone's opinions and expectations and messages, because then
Speaker 1: that starts messing with how I feel, and now what
Speaker 1: I feel is made up of everyone else's feelings, yes,
Speaker 1: and I don't like that. And then you've recruited a
Speaker 1: bunch of people and now they're invested in you executing
Speaker 1: what their advice correct, and so I don't enjoy that
Speaker 1: at all. And so I'm like, I want to take
Speaker 1: all my own responsibility, but that requires me to get
Speaker 1: away and make my mind up about something, and then
Speaker 1: I come back with my version, and then I'll check
Speaker 1: in with mentors and guys, because sometimes when you ask
Speaker 1: too many people and they give you their advice, you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: I don't want to not take their advice. Yeah yeah,
Speaker 1: and then like I want message him again because I'm
Speaker 1: taking their advice. I can like judge me, Guys, I
Speaker 1: spent an hour of your time and I'm not even
Speaker 1: taking too And that's my worst nightmare. I was like, No,
Speaker 1: definitely not that interesting, okay. Last one which best describes
Speaker 1: your daily routine. A it changes moment to moment. BE
Speaker 1: it's very focused and organized to see I follow the
Speaker 1: best opportunity that comes up. D It's simple and scheduled. Oh,
Speaker 1: I mean you're a D you're a simple and scheduled
Speaker 1: that's the healthiest I would say. I'm gonna be honest,
Speaker 1: I wish it was simple and scheduled, but I do
Speaker 1: think it changes moment to moment because I'm so easily
Speaker 1: distracted and I can never figure out how to use
Speaker 1: drop box, So I spend I think my day's schedule
Speaker 1: and then I spend half of it trying to download
Speaker 1: a video. Yeah, and then I'm like I need to
Speaker 1: fire everyone. Yeah. I think it's it changes moment to moment,
Speaker 1: and I would like to work on that. Because I'm delusional.
Speaker 1: I tell myself it's simple and scheduled, but it's not. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's great, so you accept and then you go, okay,
Speaker 1: this one I want, let's pave away, rather than being like,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, it simple and scheduled. Like you know, like
Speaker 1: people tell themselves things to try to convince themselves, Like
Speaker 1: when people look, I'm not crazy, and you're like, that's
Speaker 1: literally what a crazy person says to try to prove
Speaker 1: to themselves that they're not crazy. And you just made
Speaker 1: me realize that. I say things about myself like well,
Speaker 1: I'm just so organized and like I run a tight
Speaker 1: ship and it's like, I say that, but it's not
Speaker 1: necessarily true. It's called in Steve Jobs's book, Walter Risingson
Speaker 1: called it reality distortion field, and so you have the
Speaker 1: ability to distort reality based on how you want to
Speaker 1: see it, and so you can get as extreme as
Speaker 1: when it's said that when Steve Jobs denied having a child,
Speaker 1: for example, it was referred to as that in the book.
Speaker 1: At least, that's how far it can go, where if
Speaker 1: you want to remove something out of your memory or life,
Speaker 1: then you just block it out. I do it with
Speaker 1: money too. Oh. I think we all do that, Like,
Speaker 1: we all have it to some degree, we all practice
Speaker 1: it all the time. And I think having people who
Speaker 1: can catch you on those blind spots, or doing activities
Speaker 1: and exercises that make you aware of those blind spots
Speaker 1: as useful. It's like people who are like, I hate drama,
Speaker 1: and you're like, you love drama. Oh my god, you're
Speaker 1: obsessed with drama. You love it. Well. Attachment and a version.
Speaker 1: In the Bugga Gita, it says the two sides of
Speaker 1: the same coin. So when you say I love something
Speaker 1: or I hate something, it's the same level of attachment.
Speaker 1: So in the sense of like we were always train
Speaker 1: as monks that like being a monk, and a lot
Speaker 1: of people get it wrong. And obviously there are female
Speaker 1: monks too, but a lot of people think, oh, if
Speaker 1: you're monks, then maybe you just don't want to be
Speaker 1: with women or you don't like women. Actually, that cannot
Speaker 1: be a reason for being a monk. You can't dislike
Speaker 1: women to be a monk. Like hate or lust are
Speaker 1: almost two sides of the same coin. Where it's still
Speaker 1: that you're still completely wrapped up in it because that's
Speaker 1: still all you think about. Don't forget that because I
Speaker 1: want to come back to that. But we should finish
Speaker 1: what Let's see what did I win? What do I
Speaker 1: win for being? So? I don't know. We need to
Speaker 1: count answer key to tell your answers. Now, the most
Speaker 1: selected letter reflects your runner. Yeah, I think I was
Speaker 1: a maker. So you can be a guide, a leader, creator,
Speaker 1: and a maker. Can you just tell me what those
Speaker 1: mean real quick? Yeah. So, a guide is someone that
Speaker 1: is who absolutely loves dealing in thought ideas, thinkers, ideats,
Speaker 1: people who are always like basically on a very intellectual
Speaker 1: and mental level, leaders of people who are always considering others,
Speaker 1: wanting to protect wanting to provide a good president would
Speaker 1: be a leader. In terms of a personality trait, they
Speaker 1: have the ability to think beyond themselves. Creators a people
Speaker 1: who just want to build grow make great entrepreneurs. Makers
Speaker 1: are talented people, artists, people who perform, people who also
Speaker 1: work great with their hands. They may even do arts
Speaker 1: and crafts. People who are fantastic at invention. So those
Speaker 1: are very quick versions of what they are, and there's
Speaker 1: deep ones in the book. Do you love this? I
Speaker 1: think you should. I think this is something you should
Speaker 1: do like every like a couple months. Do you know
Speaker 1: what I mean? Too? See how you evolve? That's the
Speaker 1: other thing, because it's like I think I'm big on
Speaker 1: growing and changing and like changing your mind and changing
Speaker 1: your opinions. And you know, I think there's this like
Speaker 1: thing now where people like I'm this type of person.
Speaker 1: It's like, why would you want to stay that way?
Speaker 1: You know? Why would you want to get new information
Speaker 1: and keep your former opinion. It's actually exhausting to try
Speaker 1: and stay the same because you just constantly like trying
Speaker 1: to hold on to something that's trying to change. What
Speaker 1: are you going to do? What's next? I have to
Speaker 1: let you go. You have nine one hundred other podcasts today. No,
Speaker 1: easily easily the hardest person to schedule easy, well, no
Speaker 1: being like no, no, I don't mean that. I just
Speaker 1: mean you're you're the man. No, No, A good thing. No,
Speaker 1: I this was so much fun. First of all, we're
Speaker 1: friends now. Yeah, I've been looking forward to this because
Speaker 1: I'm a huge fan and Admira and I watch you
Speaker 1: all the time and thank you hilarious. And when I
Speaker 1: saw that you liked my work, I was like what
Speaker 1: I was so like when it comes to like like
Speaker 1: I was, I just never imagined that you would even
Speaker 1: care what I did, And so then I was just like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is so cool. And the way this conversation is
Speaker 1: going has shown me exactly why, Like, I really love
Speaker 1: how you went about this, and it excites me so
Speaker 1: much that I got to share what I do in
Speaker 1: a way that hopefully connection resonates with everyone you connect
Speaker 1: and resonate with, and more importantly, that we've built a
Speaker 1: relationship through it. So when I saw you were looking
Speaker 1: at my work and stuff, because I've been listening everyone
Speaker 1: and your friends with everyone else that I've followed in
Speaker 1: Love and Ell and I was just like no way
Speaker 1: like and so anyway, I was very uh, I was
Speaker 1: very humbled and taking them back when you took an
Speaker 1: interest in conspired to bring us together, and my all
Speaker 1: was to be able to maybe do something. This was
Speaker 1: the most unique interview style and doing that that was genius.
Speaker 1: And I'm glad because I literally I don't think I
Speaker 1: said anything in his interview that said anywhere else. I'm
Speaker 1: so glad. Yeah, I think, like among anything else, you
Speaker 1: want to end these very awkwardly perfect don't write elephants,
Speaker 1: don't write dolphins. Great. Thank you so much for listening
Speaker 1: to that episode. Make sure you tag me on Instagram
Speaker 1: when you share it and pass it along to a
Speaker 1: friend who's a Whitney Cummings fan or a fan of
Speaker 1: learning about themselves. Thank you so much for being here
Speaker 1: again today, and I'll see you again for another episode
Speaker 1: of On Purpose.