WEBVTT - 3 Ways to Know if You are Being Codependent & Why We Should Practice Forgiveness 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:02.960 Hey everyone, Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one 0:00:03.040 --> 0:00:05.440 health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every 0:00:05.519 --> 0:00:08.399 one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, 0:00:08.520 --> 0:00:12.960 and grow. Now, today's episode is a bit of a rewind. 0:00:13.200 --> 0:00:17.720 I had an amazing conversation with the incredible Whitney coming. 0:00:17.840 --> 0:00:20.320 She interviewed me. If you don't know a phenomenal comedian, 0:00:20.520 --> 0:00:22.079 I know so many of you must be a fan. 0:00:22.720 --> 0:00:26.200 And the way she interviewed me was so smart. She 0:00:26.280 --> 0:00:29.800 actually asked me questions from my book Think like a 0:00:29.920 --> 0:00:34.240 Monk from the Purpose chapter and broke it down incredibly well. 0:00:34.320 --> 0:00:37.760 So if you want to hear a full on, entertaining, enlightening, 0:00:37.800 --> 0:00:40.839 and phenomenal conversation with the one and only Whitney Commings, 0:00:41.159 --> 0:00:43.839 this episode is for you. What I love about this 0:00:43.880 --> 0:00:47.680 episode is how open I get, how reflective I get, 0:00:48.120 --> 0:00:50.440 and hopefully you get to learn a bit more about 0:00:50.479 --> 0:00:53.080 my journey, especially if you love the book Think Like 0:00:53.120 --> 0:01:03.200 a Monk. I know you're gonna love this episode. Jay Jatty, 0:01:03.360 --> 0:01:06.480 finally you're here. I'm sorry having to be it. Thank you, Renny, 0:01:06.480 --> 0:01:08.360 I'm grateful to be it. The thing I really want 0:01:08.360 --> 0:01:11.760 to start with to frame this conversation with you is 0:01:11.800 --> 0:01:14.480 that so much of what you talk about is about 0:01:14.600 --> 0:01:19.680 compassion and kindness and service. And on this podcast, all 0:01:19.680 --> 0:01:21.880 of you that know me know that I am in 0:01:21.959 --> 0:01:24.880 recovery for codependence. And a big part of codependence is 0:01:24.920 --> 0:01:27.560 you give too much of yourself. You become a doormat, 0:01:27.680 --> 0:01:30.840 You have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. You martyr yourself 0:01:30.840 --> 0:01:33.679 for people you know. In codependence, we do the three 0:01:33.880 --> 0:01:38.520 ms martyr, micromanage, and mother. We rescue people, we self deprive. 0:01:38.800 --> 0:01:43.480 We give too much. Right, Codependence breeds resentment, perfectionism. We're 0:01:43.520 --> 0:01:47.200 the people that cook a full meal for our whole family, 0:01:47.200 --> 0:01:49.120 but don't eat anything, and at the end we're eating 0:01:49.160 --> 0:01:52.840 scraps over the kitchen sink. Right, So we are too 0:01:53.000 --> 0:01:55.440 nice sometimes. And so as I was reading your book, 0:01:55.440 --> 0:01:57.760 I found myself going, I hope in this conversation we 0:01:57.840 --> 0:02:00.480 can sort of talk about how to tell when you're 0:02:00.520 --> 0:02:03.800 compassion and love and forgiveness and kindness, which you talk 0:02:03.840 --> 0:02:07.440 about so elegantly in your book, how we can develop 0:02:07.560 --> 0:02:11.880 the skill to delineate when it's codependence and when it's 0:02:12.160 --> 0:02:15.320 thinking like a monk. I love that I'm totally with 0:02:15.400 --> 0:02:18.639 you on that and That's such an important point because 0:02:18.639 --> 0:02:20.919 I think that's the difference that I think a lot 0:02:20.919 --> 0:02:23.280 of these words now have become buzzwords, yes, and they 0:02:23.360 --> 0:02:27.000 fly around. And because of that, we have a really 0:02:27.280 --> 0:02:32.480 beginner's understanding of these deep essential qualities and values, and 0:02:32.560 --> 0:02:35.320 so we practice them at beginner's level. And at that level, 0:02:35.360 --> 0:02:38.240 they're still based on wanting validation. They're still based on 0:02:38.560 --> 0:02:41.600 wanting to fit in. They're still based on wanting to 0:02:42.000 --> 0:02:45.840 be a part of being dependent or being codependent. They're 0:02:45.880 --> 0:02:50.240 not coming from a place of internal purification and greatness. 0:02:50.240 --> 0:02:52.480 So I'm totally with you on that, and I'm motives. 0:02:52.520 --> 0:02:54.920 It's really about motives like if you find yourself and 0:02:54.919 --> 0:02:57.040 if someone were to ask me, like you know, because 0:02:57.160 --> 0:02:58.959 I love that you talk about service in this book. 0:02:59.000 --> 0:03:01.440 It's such a big part of I think what is 0:03:01.480 --> 0:03:03.679 going to fix everything that's broken in our society is 0:03:03.680 --> 0:03:06.120 to be able to give. And I think people don't 0:03:06.200 --> 0:03:08.960 understand that giving is actually selfish. You know. I feel 0:03:08.960 --> 0:03:11.799 like I'm saying this in a way that's grosser, which 0:03:11.840 --> 0:03:14.080 is why my book probably wasn't the number one best 0:03:14.120 --> 0:03:17.520 seller and his was because I say, I sound like 0:03:17.520 --> 0:03:20.720 a psychopath, which is like when you give to others, 0:03:20.880 --> 0:03:25.640 it's selfish. You benefit when you give it, like everybody wins. Absolutely, 0:03:25.639 --> 0:03:29.000 It's like forgiveness. We forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, 0:03:29.000 --> 0:03:32.680 but because we deserve peace. Forgiveness is selfish, absolutely, But 0:03:32.760 --> 0:03:35.920 the intention with which we give defines how deeply we 0:03:35.960 --> 0:03:38.200 feel it. So let's let's take, for example, two people 0:03:38.480 --> 0:03:41.120 who want to give in charity this year. One person 0:03:41.160 --> 0:03:42.920 wants to give it because they really believe that the 0:03:43.040 --> 0:03:46.400 kids deserve more food and better shelter and better support. 0:03:46.600 --> 0:03:48.840 The other person gives because they think it will be 0:03:48.880 --> 0:03:50.800 a good pr story or they think that it would 0:03:50.880 --> 0:03:53.640 look good for them to give it. Correct, there you go. 0:03:53.720 --> 0:03:55.600 So you've got two people. Let's say they both give 0:03:55.600 --> 0:03:58.320 a million dollars each. Yeah, it's obvious who's going to 0:03:58.360 --> 0:04:00.800 feel more joy. Now bear in mind the kids benefit 0:04:00.840 --> 0:04:04.240 of the money either way. But the person giving only 0:04:04.320 --> 0:04:06.640 receives joy when they did it with the intention of 0:04:06.680 --> 0:04:11.080 actually serving. Yes, And that's the missing link around giving, 0:04:11.120 --> 0:04:14.200 because giving isn't just the act of time money, it's 0:04:14.200 --> 0:04:17.720 the act of energy, presence, and intention and also just 0:04:17.880 --> 0:04:20.520 taking your mind off yourself. I mean, in twelve step programs. 0:04:20.520 --> 0:04:23.080 The reason we do service, like honestly is to take 0:04:23.120 --> 0:04:27.320 the focus off yourself because the more we and it's tricky, 0:04:27.320 --> 0:04:29.440 and I find myself struggling with the balance of this 0:04:29.560 --> 0:04:32.000 like self help, self love and self self self so 0:04:32.160 --> 0:04:36.599 self so self and when it becomes selfish and when 0:04:36.600 --> 0:04:38.960 it's selfless and you know, my brain, I just get 0:04:39.040 --> 0:04:41.960 so turned around in self care, ality is thinking about 0:04:41.960 --> 0:04:43.640 myself and take care of myself and myself and it's 0:04:43.640 --> 0:04:45.919 just me, me, me, me me ultimately. Yeah, and when 0:04:46.800 --> 0:04:49.720 does self care become selfish? And you do a really 0:04:49.720 --> 0:04:52.760 good job I think for anyone that is confused laying 0:04:52.760 --> 0:04:54.320 it out in a way that it's not like and 0:04:54.360 --> 0:04:57.159 also for people that non Hollywood people, the people that 0:04:57.200 --> 0:04:59.719 are buying your book, that we're actually you know, talking 0:04:59.760 --> 0:05:02.200 to you and not amongst like who they are, Like, 0:05:02.240 --> 0:05:04.800 I have three jobs. All I do is ser Yeah, yeah, 0:05:05.000 --> 0:05:07.480 I have four kids. Exactly, I actually need to do 0:05:07.560 --> 0:05:09.520 less service. I actually need to be less compassionate and 0:05:09.520 --> 0:05:12.320 take care of myself like finding that balance. Yeah, absolutely, 0:05:12.320 --> 0:05:14.320 And that's what I loved about the Monk Path that 0:05:14.360 --> 0:05:17.760 I chose, that the morning was all about the self. Yeah, 0:05:17.800 --> 0:05:19.880 and then rest of the day was about service, and 0:05:19.920 --> 0:05:22.400 that gives you a really good blueprint around how that 0:05:22.440 --> 0:05:25.479 works in the sense of if you've not done something 0:05:25.520 --> 0:05:28.479 for yourself every day, yeah, if you've not taken your 0:05:28.480 --> 0:05:30.520 time to invest in yourself every day. And that isn't 0:05:30.560 --> 0:05:33.640 just a you know it's it comes so much from 0:05:33.839 --> 0:05:37.600 understanding yourself, and understanding yourself comes from the place of 0:05:37.720 --> 0:05:39.839 knowing yourself and getting to know yourself. And most of 0:05:39.920 --> 0:05:42.360 us spend so much time codependency trying to get to 0:05:42.360 --> 0:05:45.359 know someone else and what their needs, anticipate their needs, 0:05:45.360 --> 0:05:47.560 and then shape shift so that I can be what 0:05:47.680 --> 0:05:52.440 I think you want totally evolve, Yeah, evolve and transmorph 0:05:52.640 --> 0:05:55.320 into this person that will be the best for them. 0:05:55.640 --> 0:05:57.640 But what about if you did that for yourself to 0:05:57.800 --> 0:06:00.240 start with? And so most of us don't even know 0:06:00.400 --> 0:06:02.360 what we want to eat for dinner on a given day, 0:06:02.440 --> 0:06:04.760 or like what our favorite movies are. We struggle, We 0:06:04.760 --> 0:06:06.400 sit there for like hours trying to figure out what 0:06:06.440 --> 0:06:09.359 to watch because we haven't really got to know ourselves. 0:06:09.480 --> 0:06:11.560 And so to me, getting to know yourself is very basic. 0:06:11.760 --> 0:06:13.919 After you eat me, I'll ask yourself, did I enjoy that? 0:06:14.200 --> 0:06:15.920 What did I like about it? Did I feel great 0:06:15.960 --> 0:06:18.320 twenty four hours after reading it? After watching a movie? 0:06:18.320 --> 0:06:20.400 What did I like about it? Why did I enjoy it? 0:06:20.560 --> 0:06:23.640 Those basic questions will give you a month's deeper understanding 0:06:23.640 --> 0:06:26.159 of yourself. God, it's so important, Jay, I can't believe 0:06:26.560 --> 0:06:29.000 like it took me so long. I just turned thirty eight. 0:06:29.400 --> 0:06:33.120 You're September six. I am September four. I know and 0:06:33.360 --> 0:06:38.160 many other Virgo season because I can't believe how much 0:06:38.160 --> 0:06:40.159 of my life I have spent doing things that I 0:06:40.200 --> 0:06:42.200 didn't even really want to do, and then I didn't. 0:06:42.279 --> 0:06:44.040 I didn't even know. Someone would ask me to go 0:06:44.040 --> 0:06:45.760 for a hike and I'd be like sure. Like I 0:06:45.800 --> 0:06:49.400 just thought friendships felt obligatory. I just felt they kind 0:06:49.400 --> 0:06:51.160 of felt like work. I just felt like you kind 0:06:51.160 --> 0:06:52.720 of had to agree with things that you didn't want 0:06:52.720 --> 0:06:54.040 to agree with. I just felt like you kind of 0:06:54.040 --> 0:06:55.640 had to laugh at jokes that weren't funny. Like I 0:06:55.680 --> 0:06:58.080 just thought that's what friendship was like, I didn't know, Like, 0:06:58.520 --> 0:07:00.400 and reading this book, it really made me stop and 0:07:00.440 --> 0:07:01.880 go like, Okay, I just hang out with that person. 0:07:02.160 --> 0:07:04.480 Did it film me up? Do I feel depleted by 0:07:04.480 --> 0:07:06.560 that person when they text me? Do I get a 0:07:06.600 --> 0:07:09.040 pit in my stomach? Am I excited to respond? Or 0:07:09.920 --> 0:07:12.280 do I? Can? I just respond whenever I want? Because 0:07:12.280 --> 0:07:13.880 I had all these friendships that were like, oh god, 0:07:13.880 --> 0:07:15.160 she text me, I need to text your back. Girls, 0:07:15.200 --> 0:07:17.440 She'll be mad that we're all about keeping score, and 0:07:17.480 --> 0:07:19.920 then we're all about recreating my childhood circumstance of a 0:07:19.960 --> 0:07:23.840 borderline personality narcissist mother and you, and I think so 0:07:24.040 --> 0:07:26.480 few of us just stop and go. Did I enjoy 0:07:26.520 --> 0:07:29.640 that meal? Yeah? Do I even like these movies? Do 0:07:29.720 --> 0:07:31.920 I even like this person that I'm hanging out with 0:07:31.960 --> 0:07:34.880 every day? Yeah? And it all comes from confirmation bias, 0:07:35.200 --> 0:07:40.280 So we have this safety mechanism of it's more comfortable 0:07:40.320 --> 0:07:43.720 for the mind to feel we agree than create a 0:07:43.720 --> 0:07:47.000 moment of conflict. So the mind will continuously confirm and 0:07:47.040 --> 0:07:50.240 surround ourselves with people that confirm our biases, or we 0:07:50.320 --> 0:07:53.559 confirm theirs for the feeding of comfort, so we feel 0:07:53.560 --> 0:07:55.680 better when it's like you tell me you like that 0:07:55.720 --> 0:07:59.800 blood orange energy drink, so for me to feel like 0:08:00.000 --> 0:08:01.480 you fit in and we're gonna get along and we're 0:08:01.480 --> 0:08:03.240 gonna have a friendship for a long time. Yeah, I 0:08:03.280 --> 0:08:05.640 would feel like if I confirm that bias, I've not 0:08:05.680 --> 0:08:07.800 tried it before. Then I would feel like I fit 0:08:07.880 --> 0:08:09.280 in with you. And that's kind of how we were 0:08:09.360 --> 0:08:12.600 trained is wired to kind of for harmony. Correct, we're 0:08:12.600 --> 0:08:14.920 wired for harmony, but we look to harmonize over the 0:08:14.920 --> 0:08:17.600 wrong thing. We harmon and then what happens. This is 0:08:17.640 --> 0:08:18.920 an our case. But then you say you like this, 0:08:19.000 --> 0:08:20.360 and I'm like great, and then I liked And now 0:08:20.400 --> 0:08:22.239 you just made a friend that you don't want. Yeah, totally. 0:08:22.480 --> 0:08:24.000 And now every time I come here, you give me 0:08:24.040 --> 0:08:28.640 this drink. Yes, it's sort of like it's dishonest. And 0:08:28.680 --> 0:08:31.680 I think that that served us really well in tribal 0:08:31.720 --> 0:08:34.800 times when we needed safety from the tribes before alarm 0:08:34.880 --> 0:08:38.000 systems and locks on doors because we needed safety from everyone, right, 0:08:38.280 --> 0:08:42.200 But now these are these like obsolete tools that are 0:08:42.200 --> 0:08:44.920 frankly liabilities. Like to me, I see an epidemic of 0:08:44.960 --> 0:08:49.160 just being too nice. Creating harmony with toxic people does 0:08:49.200 --> 0:08:52.760 not benefit you, no, and over dishonest things, I think 0:08:52.800 --> 0:08:55.679 that's really important that you can connect. And also when 0:08:55.679 --> 0:08:58.040 you're looking at a thing or an object or a 0:08:58.080 --> 0:09:02.400 like or a dislike to connect, it's it's pretty shallow 0:09:02.400 --> 0:09:04.120 ground to connect on because you may change your mind 0:09:04.120 --> 0:09:06.400 about that drink tomorrow, and now we're talking about drinks. 0:09:06.440 --> 0:09:07.800 But you may change your mind on a hobby. You 0:09:07.800 --> 0:09:10.080 may change your mind on an interest, you may change 0:09:10.080 --> 0:09:13.559 your mind on an activity. But usually people stay pretty 0:09:13.559 --> 0:09:16.680 grounded to values and qualities. And that's kind of this 0:09:16.760 --> 0:09:19.760 confirmation bias has just created so many issues because we 0:09:19.800 --> 0:09:23.359 also go around and look for people who confirm our biases. 0:09:23.720 --> 0:09:26.720 So then we get into this bubble and this cloud 0:09:26.760 --> 0:09:30.280 of thinking that we can't break. You're making me realize something. 0:09:30.320 --> 0:09:33.199 I think that is just we all can look at 0:09:33.240 --> 0:09:35.720 we are we love black and white thinking, because humans 0:09:35.760 --> 0:09:37.480 love can we want an answer even if it's the 0:09:37.520 --> 0:09:39.800 wrong answer. Yeah, we just want true so that we 0:09:39.840 --> 0:09:41.880 have some samblets of control. And I'm in this new 0:09:41.960 --> 0:09:46.200 relationship and I find myself wanting to it's not a relationship. 0:09:46.240 --> 0:09:48.000 What am I saying? Black and white thinking? It's somewhere 0:09:48.000 --> 0:09:50.960 in between. We're not dating, if we're not together. I 0:09:51.120 --> 0:09:54.000 want so badly to feel safe. My inner child needs 0:09:54.040 --> 0:09:56.400 an answer so bad that I'm like, do you like 0:09:56.400 --> 0:09:57.800 to travel or do you not like to travel? And 0:09:57.800 --> 0:09:59.560 He'll be like, well, it depends on where I'm traveling 0:09:59.600 --> 0:10:02.120 and I'm like, well, what's the you know, and so 0:10:02.280 --> 0:10:03.920 do you cheat or do you not cheat? And he's like, well, 0:10:04.720 --> 0:10:07.160 it's different with me. None of these answers are going 0:10:07.200 --> 0:10:09.120 to apply to me because this is a new situation. 0:10:09.120 --> 0:10:13.600 But it's made me realize how anxious, you know, preoccupied, 0:10:13.640 --> 0:10:16.400 and how much I perseverate and how much my inner 0:10:16.520 --> 0:10:20.000 child panics, which she doesn't have an answer yes. And 0:10:20.040 --> 0:10:22.200 I think if we just acknowledge, like you talk about 0:10:22.200 --> 0:10:24.199 in this book and are being so elegant about enough, 0:10:24.200 --> 0:10:29.280 we just acknowledge our need for the polarity, we can 0:10:29.320 --> 0:10:31.720 then release it. It's just like even the awareness of 0:10:31.800 --> 0:10:34.839 knowing totally. And we're all so much more proportions and 0:10:34.960 --> 0:10:38.360 percentages in different scenarios than we are one or the other. 0:10:38.559 --> 0:10:39.959 And it's the same thing I say to people when 0:10:39.960 --> 0:10:41.840 they're like, oh, yeah, you know, I don't know if 0:10:41.880 --> 0:10:44.800 my intention is completely pure or if it's material or spiritual. 0:10:44.800 --> 0:10:46.719 I'm like, we're both all of it. Like it's all 0:10:46.760 --> 0:10:48.600 of it, like me, dude, Like we all are like you, 0:10:48.679 --> 0:10:51.080 just you're always trying to move in the right direction. 0:10:51.520 --> 0:10:54.400 The problem is we're addicted to a right decision right 0:10:54.400 --> 0:10:55.959 and that's the problem that we're just trying to move 0:10:55.960 --> 0:10:58.240 into the right direction. We're just moving closer to that. 0:10:58.400 --> 0:11:00.200 And as long as you're moving closer in the right 0:11:00.280 --> 0:11:03.920 direction with someone, with yourself, with whatever it is that 0:11:03.960 --> 0:11:07.679 you're learning, don't give so much emphasis to the decision 0:11:08.160 --> 0:11:11.280 that the direct onset, you know, the destination, all of 0:11:11.320 --> 0:11:13.320 that kind of you're so right about what you just 0:11:13.320 --> 0:11:16.000 said about the child and so many of us not 0:11:16.120 --> 0:11:19.840 having had clarity as young people about where we stood 0:11:19.840 --> 0:11:22.640 with our parents or where we stood with our partners, 0:11:22.640 --> 0:11:24.800 and now we demand what we did or didn't get 0:11:25.320 --> 0:11:29.199 from our parents in our relationships. It's the unfinished business. Yes, 0:11:29.320 --> 0:11:31.439 you know. It's sort of like it took me so 0:11:31.480 --> 0:11:34.679 long to stop recreating my childhood circumstances because I think 0:11:34.679 --> 0:11:39.080 we have this subconscious pull obviously to recreate the neurochemical 0:11:39.120 --> 0:11:42.360 cocktail that's comfortable for us. It's like when you see 0:11:42.400 --> 0:11:44.440 someone in a crazy relationship, You're like, how do they 0:11:44.440 --> 0:11:47.040 deal with that? All day? They're in a cocoon. They 0:11:47.040 --> 0:11:49.720 are so comfortable doing it, that is all they know. 0:11:50.000 --> 0:11:52.199 It's like the devil, you know, And I find myself 0:11:52.280 --> 0:11:56.839 recreating my childhood circumstances and yes, trying to basically just 0:11:57.000 --> 0:11:59.560 heal that wound. Heal that wound. Who's gonna heal it? 0:11:59.559 --> 0:12:01.559 Who's going to fix it? And it's there, no one 0:12:01.760 --> 0:12:04.040 now have to do it. Yeah, there's a beautiful statement 0:12:04.040 --> 0:12:06.400 that you reminded me of by a monk named tick Natan. 0:12:07.160 --> 0:12:11.679 He's incredible, and he said that we choose familiar pain 0:12:12.000 --> 0:12:16.000 over unfamiliar pain every time, we just repeat it because 0:12:16.000 --> 0:12:19.480 that familiar pain gives us a feeling of safety, of 0:12:19.559 --> 0:12:22.640 security of like I know what pain I'm going to feel, 0:12:22.760 --> 0:12:26.360 and I'd rather keep repeating it than maybe venture out 0:12:26.400 --> 0:12:29.600 into this new land of unfamiliar pain, which I don't 0:12:29.600 --> 0:12:32.040 know what it feels like. It's comfortable. Yeah, it's like 0:12:32.080 --> 0:12:33.880 that pair of heels that always gives you a blister. 0:12:33.960 --> 0:12:36.280 I got the bandaid, Like it's amazing. How And I 0:12:36.320 --> 0:12:38.840 think that I'm glad that we're talking about this because 0:12:39.000 --> 0:12:41.839 we are so adaptable, Like there's so many people that 0:12:42.000 --> 0:12:43.439 reach out to me though, like is it too late 0:12:43.480 --> 0:12:44.760 for me to change? Is it too late for me 0:12:44.800 --> 0:12:46.360 to go to alan on meetings? Is it too late 0:12:46.400 --> 0:12:48.080 for me to stop being jealous and possessive and a 0:12:48.080 --> 0:12:50.040 love addict or sex adict or whatever. And I'm like, dude, 0:12:50.160 --> 0:12:54.760 we think about how quickly you adjusted to those sandals 0:12:54.760 --> 0:12:56.520 that are giving you blisters. You were like just put 0:12:56.559 --> 0:12:57.760 in a band aid and I'm just going to take 0:12:57.800 --> 0:12:59.360 them off after an hour at the wedding, Like we 0:13:00.040 --> 0:13:04.120 actually can't adjust so quickly. That's a great analogy. I'm 0:13:04.120 --> 0:13:05.920 gonna I'm gonna share that now from now and I 0:13:05.960 --> 0:13:07.719 love that one. I'm gonna be like, yeah, Writty and 0:13:07.800 --> 0:13:10.400 me and we're like, yeah, this is that's a brilliant analogy. 0:13:10.440 --> 0:13:12.240 I love it. You're gonna talk about blisters. I'm going 0:13:12.320 --> 0:13:17.040 to do about blisters and heels and when I wear heels, 0:13:17.559 --> 0:13:21.360 you'll really fit in an Okay, there's a Vedic personality 0:13:21.440 --> 0:13:23.840 test in your book. Will you tell me about it? 0:13:23.920 --> 0:13:25.360 So when I lived as a monk and we studied 0:13:25.360 --> 0:13:29.320 the Vedas, I came across this incredible concept named dharma, 0:13:29.400 --> 0:13:32.480 and dharma is very difficult to translate into English, but 0:13:32.520 --> 0:13:35.840 when you do it, the closest things are eternal purpose 0:13:36.440 --> 0:13:41.080 and inherent nature or your natural inclination, and those are 0:13:41.120 --> 0:13:45.800 things It's almost like, well, what is your natural, most effortless, 0:13:45.920 --> 0:13:49.280 flow filled state that you can live by that you 0:13:49.320 --> 0:13:52.480 feel fulfilled in right. And so when you break that down, 0:13:52.920 --> 0:13:56.120 you get dharma basically equates to an equation which is 0:13:56.160 --> 0:14:01.480 passion plus strengths plus compassion. What is at the center 0:14:01.520 --> 0:14:04.720 of all of that that is dharma. And so the 0:14:04.840 --> 0:14:07.040 personality test that I give is to help you, and 0:14:07.120 --> 0:14:10.280 I've loved so first of all, there is no personality 0:14:10.320 --> 0:14:13.160 test or astrological chat that's going to give you the 0:14:13.200 --> 0:14:15.640 answer that you need. But they're good indicators. And seeing 0:14:15.640 --> 0:14:19.200 you're trying to say astrology is not a science. I 0:14:19.200 --> 0:14:21.840 mean it is a science, last but I'm not sure 0:14:21.960 --> 0:14:24.600 how many people can do it properly. But this personality 0:14:24.640 --> 0:14:26.720 test was put in there to help people get closer 0:14:26.720 --> 0:14:28.360 to the answer. And that's what I think all of 0:14:28.400 --> 0:14:30.320 these tools do. It's just about moving you in the 0:14:30.360 --> 0:14:32.360 right direction. But you're making me realize, like I want 0:14:32.400 --> 0:14:33.960 to do a couple of these. Yeah, let's do it. 0:14:34.000 --> 0:14:36.160 Has anyone done this? Has anyone given you the vadic 0:14:36.240 --> 0:14:39.320 personality test? I've don't know my own, but publicly, oh no, no, 0:14:39.320 --> 0:14:41.400 no, no no, no, oh great, Oh let's do it? Oh great, 0:14:41.400 --> 0:14:43.800 oh great? Yeah, I love that this. I just love 0:14:43.800 --> 0:14:46.200 this book because it's like it's real tools. I'm sorry, 0:14:46.240 --> 0:14:48.400 there's a lot of like by a crystal water bottle 0:14:48.560 --> 0:14:50.360 and your life will get better, Like what are you 0:14:50.400 --> 0:14:53.320 talking about? Use charcoal toothpaste and you'll find your soulmate. 0:14:53.440 --> 0:14:56.720 Like this is actual, like how to rewire your brain, 0:14:56.800 --> 0:14:59.040 how to get to know yourself better with actual tools 0:14:59.080 --> 0:15:01.920 instead of just like and quotes that are always attributed 0:15:01.960 --> 0:15:03.800 to Oscar Wild even though he didn't say half that 0:15:03.880 --> 0:15:06.080 and we know it. Okay, you're going to answer these 0:15:06.160 --> 0:15:08.720 questions as who you believe you are at the core, 0:15:08.800 --> 0:15:11.880 beyond what friends, family, or society have made you. Choose 0:15:12.440 --> 0:15:14.200 which of the following sounds And I want you guys 0:15:14.200 --> 0:15:15.920 to follow along and take this quiz with us. Like it. 0:15:16.280 --> 0:15:18.800 Which of the following sounds most like what you're about? 0:15:19.160 --> 0:15:23.520 Values and wisdom, integrity and perfection, work hard, play hard, 0:15:23.800 --> 0:15:26.680 or stability and balance. Yeah, so a very important question. 0:15:26.680 --> 0:15:28.560 I'm going to add a caveat to help everyone out 0:15:28.560 --> 0:15:30.280 as well, seeing as this is the first time everyone's 0:15:30.480 --> 0:15:32.800 doing it public age. Everyone's follow along, get your pen 0:15:32.840 --> 0:15:35.000 and paper. Is you're not trying to answer it as 0:15:35.040 --> 0:15:37.200 what your job's made you. You're not trying to answer 0:15:37.200 --> 0:15:39.720 as what you've become because of something like sometimes we 0:15:39.800 --> 0:15:42.240 become something because we had to become it to be 0:15:42.320 --> 0:15:44.440 more successful. You want to answer it at your core, 0:15:44.720 --> 0:15:46.520 and the closer you get, and that's hard. I get that, 0:15:46.600 --> 0:15:49.000 that's that's not easy to do. But the more you 0:15:49.080 --> 0:15:50.920 keep asking yourself the course, sometimes they say to this, 0:15:51.000 --> 0:15:52.720 like the first thing you think of is you. That's 0:15:52.760 --> 0:15:55.800 actually not true. It's it's actually you need more stillness, 0:15:55.840 --> 0:15:59.120 silence and solitude in space to actually slow down a 0:15:59.120 --> 0:16:01.120 bit and go, well, what am I really? And it's 0:16:01.160 --> 0:16:03.960 also not your ideal self. So that's the other mistakes 0:16:04.000 --> 0:16:07.200 he extremes. Again, we oscillate between our society self and 0:16:07.440 --> 0:16:09.800 ideal self. So then people answer it's like, oh, yeah, 0:16:09.800 --> 0:16:11.240 that's the one I want to be. So it's not 0:16:11.320 --> 0:16:15.240 that either. As I'm looking at this WHOA, I was like, well, 0:16:15.280 --> 0:16:18.000 this is what my dad would have wanted. My dad 0:16:18.040 --> 0:16:20.920 would have wanted work hard, play hard. And I was 0:16:20.960 --> 0:16:23.760 going to pick work hard, play hard. It should be 0:16:23.800 --> 0:16:30.360 work hard, cry hard. But I think i'm values in wisdom. Yeah, 0:16:30.400 --> 0:16:32.600 and so I am too. Oh this is a good one. 0:16:32.640 --> 0:16:36.160 What role do you play in your friend's circle and family? Hey, 0:16:36.200 --> 0:16:39.880 I'm comfortable dealing with conflict and helping people find middle ground. 0:16:39.920 --> 0:16:42.720 My role as the mediator B I make sure everything 0:16:42.760 --> 0:16:45.119 and everyone is taken care of. My role as the protector. 0:16:46.000 --> 0:16:48.600 I feel like that might be me. I helped my 0:16:48.640 --> 0:16:51.080 family understand work at the hustle and the value of 0:16:51.080 --> 0:16:54.720 having resources. My role is material support. I think I'm 0:16:54.760 --> 0:16:58.280 that now. Hit my venmo D. I focus on nurturing 0:16:58.280 --> 0:17:00.960 and wanting a healthy and con tent family. My role 0:17:00.960 --> 0:17:03.720 as emotional. So I'll give it again another another side 0:17:03.720 --> 0:17:06.760 note for everyone who's watching and listening, you probably do 0:17:06.800 --> 0:17:08.520 all four of these. I was going to say, I'm 0:17:08.560 --> 0:17:11.080 so glad we're doing this together because I've picked five 0:17:11.119 --> 0:17:12.959 different ones and now that you're here, yeah, we can 0:17:12.960 --> 0:17:14.879 talk about it. That's my point. So you're going to 0:17:14.960 --> 0:17:17.720 feel and especially when you read these, you're always going 0:17:17.760 --> 0:17:20.679 to feel like you're everything. And the reason for that 0:17:20.800 --> 0:17:22.840 is we've never really spent the time to think about 0:17:22.880 --> 0:17:25.040 who we really are. And also I shape shift and 0:17:25.080 --> 0:17:27.240 I'm different basically, no, I'm worth and who people want 0:17:27.240 --> 0:17:29.280 me to be? Correct, And so you want to pull 0:17:29.320 --> 0:17:32.520 back again and go, I am all four? But in 0:17:32.560 --> 0:17:34.880 which order? Am I? Right? So you want to break 0:17:34.880 --> 0:17:36.399 you down and be like, well, which one do I 0:17:36.440 --> 0:17:39.199 prioritize the first? So I'll give an example. It's almost 0:17:39.200 --> 0:17:41.320 like if you were put into a situation where you 0:17:41.320 --> 0:17:42.920 had to make a choice, which one do you say? 0:17:43.000 --> 0:17:45.520 This is the first thing I think about, right, this 0:17:45.560 --> 0:17:47.680 is the first thing I think about when it comes 0:17:47.680 --> 0:17:50.160 to my family. So if you heard if someone called 0:17:50.200 --> 0:17:52.000 you up and said, I want to tell you something 0:17:52.000 --> 0:17:54.640 about your family, which is the first thing that you 0:17:54.720 --> 0:17:57.680 think of that comes to your mind? The mediate? Would 0:17:57.720 --> 0:18:00.680 you protect you, material support or emotional? Correct? Like, which 0:18:00.680 --> 0:18:02.680 one do you feel drawn to play as a role 0:18:02.840 --> 0:18:05.360 first and first? Correct? First and most? Because you are 0:18:05.400 --> 0:18:09.000 all of them, we all are, I think protector, right' 0:18:09.160 --> 0:18:12.240 I'm like vicious about that. I'm the mediator. Really, yeah, 0:18:12.280 --> 0:18:14.120 I'm the mediator. I have been since I was a kid, 0:18:14.119 --> 0:18:18.040 Like Switzerland, you're neutral? That it like, yeah, kind of. No, 0:18:18.080 --> 0:18:20.840 I wouldn't say I'm neutral. I would say that I'm yeah. 0:18:20.840 --> 0:18:24.040 Maybe I guess that's a definition of judgment. Yeah, the 0:18:24.080 --> 0:18:26.000 one they can see all sides. I try to. Yeah, 0:18:26.000 --> 0:18:27.879 I've always been that way, and that really annoys my 0:18:27.920 --> 0:18:30.119 family because people in my family would be like, why 0:18:30.119 --> 0:18:31.680 don't you see it from my side more than you 0:18:31.720 --> 0:18:35.320 see it from there. A nightmare. I'm terrible, monk, terrible, 0:18:36.600 --> 0:18:38.520 terrible to have a monk in the families. No way 0:18:38.560 --> 0:18:41.280 you can ever be communicate me. Yeah, there's no way 0:18:41.320 --> 0:18:43.159 you can win and fight with the mom. What is 0:18:43.200 --> 0:18:47.480 the most important to you in a partner? Number A literacy, 0:18:47.880 --> 0:18:51.960