Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. Former presidents Donald jail bird
Speaker 1: Trump gotta visits from the FBI to our breaking news.
Speaker 1: Former cultident Donald Trump saying the FBI has rated his
Speaker 1: moral lagal resort. Mr Trump saying a short time ago
Speaker 1: that the FBI has carried out an unannounced raid at
Speaker 1: his home at the Florida Club and that they even
Speaker 1: broke into his safe. Boxes and boxes of documents have
Speaker 1: been seized from former President Donald Trump's at Marlago home
Speaker 1: after the FBI conducted a wide ranging search. This may
Speaker 1: be the most politically explosive raid ever undertaken by the FBI,
Speaker 1: something that has not happened before in American history. So
Speaker 1: just check that in for just a second. It doesn't
Speaker 1: get any more significant than this. Not just aggressive, this
Speaker 1: is unprecedented, absolutely unprecedented, unbelievable, I mean stunning. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: the FBI raided Donald Trump's house in mar Logo. The
Speaker 1: FBI people raided a former president's house. This is huge.
Speaker 1: This is bigger than when the FEDS investigated Bill Clinton
Speaker 1: for doing mouth stuff with that saxophone. And by the way,
Speaker 1: by the way, this raid, just so you know, has
Speaker 1: nothing to do with January six, or tax fraud or
Speaker 1: giving the White House plumber PTSD. No, apparently, apparently this
Speaker 1: investigation is about Trump taking classified documents from the White House.
Speaker 1: And and honestly, you know, I'm amazed that Trump has
Speaker 1: time for all of this crime back at any moment.
Speaker 1: At any moment, Trump's gotta crime that he's covering up.
Speaker 1: He's gotta crime that he's doing. Now, he's gonna crime
Speaker 1: that he's plotting for the future. He's like the Steve Harvey,
Speaker 1: but of crimes. You know, every day, I'm like, does
Speaker 1: he have the same hours in the day of meet
Speaker 1: he gets so much done? Not if you'll remember, if
Speaker 1: you remember earlier this year, the Feds already had to
Speaker 1: go down tomorrow Lago and take back fifteen boxes of
Speaker 1: documents that Trump wasn't supposed to have. But apparently they
Speaker 1: think there's more hidden on the property, all right, And
Speaker 1: I believe that. I believe that too. I mean, like,
Speaker 1: Trump's not gonna keep records in a filing cabinet like
Speaker 1: a normal person. There's the same dude who buried his
Speaker 1: ex wife on a golf course. I mean, think about that.
Speaker 1: And yes, it is totally unprecedented for the FBI to
Speaker 1: raid the home of a former president. That's true. That
Speaker 1: has never happened in American history. But don't forget Donald
Speaker 1: Trump has also never happened in American history. Everything is
Speaker 1: an anomaly with this man. I mean, like, why do
Speaker 1: you think a book from one of his staffers comes
Speaker 1: out every single week? Because every single person he interacts
Speaker 1: with is like, yo, have I got a story for you?
Speaker 1: I wouldn't it be weird if this is the thing
Speaker 1: that takes Trump down? We thought it would be something
Speaker 1: like conspiracy or bribery or blackmail. But no, Trump's got
Speaker 1: busted for taking work home with him. What a nerd? Now, obviously,
Speaker 1: President Trump recognizes the gravity of the situation, which is
Speaker 1: why he has refrained from comments while the legal process
Speaker 1: is now. I'm joking with you, Come on. The guy
Speaker 1: released a statement immediately immediately he read, these are dark
Speaker 1: times for our nation as my beautiful home Maralago in
Speaker 1: Bomb Beach, Florida is currently under sage rated and I
Speaker 1: keep by by a large group of the agents. They
Speaker 1: even broke into my safe. What's the difference between this
Speaker 1: and water game? What's the difference? I love that even
Speaker 1: while he's complaining, he slips in that the thing is beautiful.
Speaker 1: How could they do this to my beautiful Also, also,
Speaker 1: this is completely different from Watergates, all right. For one thing,
Speaker 1: the guy's breaking into Watergate didn't need to clean old
Speaker 1: ketchup stains off the documents. But the other big thing,
Speaker 1: the other big difference is that the raid was legal,
Speaker 1: all right, was approved by a federal judge, approved by
Speaker 1: the head of the FBI, who, by the way, was
Speaker 1: appointed by Donald Trump himself after he got rid of
Speaker 1: like seventeen other heads of the FBI because they didn't
Speaker 1: want to do primes of Donald Trump. So now the
Speaker 1: big mystery is what did the FBI find. Well, according
Speaker 1: to Donald Trump's third favorite son, the only thing the
Speaker 1: FBI took was his heart. What could they possibly think
Speaker 1: existed inside a moral lago in a box that was
Speaker 1: taken from the White House that that was so damaging
Speaker 1: that the FBI director and the Attorney General of the
Speaker 1: United States would would have to raid a former president's residence,
Speaker 1: uh and grab everything out of there. I don't know.
Speaker 1: They'll probably find a note for me telling him how
Speaker 1: proud I am of him and what a great job
Speaker 1: he was doing as president. They might find some pictures
Speaker 1: of my kids, maybe some nice you know, headlines, maybe
Speaker 1: a nice go from you, Sean. Oh, Eric, you silly,
Speaker 1: silly man. Did daddy tell you that's where your let
Speaker 1: us to him? Go hit in a way somewhere safe.
Speaker 1: They're just too important to show anybody or acknowledge it anywhere. Eric,
Speaker 1: That's why I locked them up right next to my
Speaker 1: wedding ring. That's what I do now. Aside from the
Speaker 1: boxes that they took, the FBI also looked inside Trump's safe,
Speaker 1: which is very dramatic, like because apparently they had to
Speaker 1: break into it, all right, So now you're like, how
Speaker 1: do they do it? Did they blow it open or
Speaker 1: did they just correctly guess the cold or honestly, I
Speaker 1: how this a prized I would actually be surprised if
Speaker 1: they found White House documents in Trump's safe, because the
Speaker 1: safe is where you keep your most prized possessions. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so in my head, searching through Trump's safe would probably
Speaker 1: go a lot more like this. All right, guys, let's
Speaker 1: see what we have in here. Him o, my god,
Speaker 1: the entire safe is just filled with mac rib after
Speaker 1: mac reb. This is this is the stacked on top
Speaker 1: of each other. This is I don't even understand. It's
Speaker 1: an unventilated safe. Who would do this? Wait? Wait, wait,
Speaker 1: hold on, there there's a secret panel in the bottom.
Speaker 1: I think we found it. We just found another mac
Speaker 1: reb boys, another MACWB. Now you might be wondering, You
Speaker 1: might be wondering. Isn't this an extremely explosive situation for
Speaker 1: the United States? Yes, it is. It is. You don't
Speaker 1: want to let a former president get away with crimes,
Speaker 1: right because nobody in America is above the law except corporateations,
Speaker 1: enriched people, and police and celebrities sometimes, but aside from them,
Speaker 1: nobody is above the law. But at the same time,
Speaker 1: even the perception that the Justice Department is being used
Speaker 1: to go after your political opponents, that could erode people's
Speaker 1: trust in governments. So it's a really tricky situation. And
Speaker 1: the only thing we can do is wait and see
Speaker 1: how the investigation unfolds. Oh, if your Fox News, you
Speaker 1: can just freak out right now. This is an abomination,
Speaker 1: this is it's probably the worst day in the history
Speaker 1: of the FBI. This is a wake up call for
Speaker 1: those in Congress to be able to use the tools
Speaker 1: at their disposal to defund the FBI. Dismantle the FBI
Speaker 1: in two a thousand bits, Representative Marjorie Taylor Green simply tweeting,
Speaker 1: defund the FBI. If this is what they're able to
Speaker 1: do to the former president of the United States, think
Speaker 1: about what they could do to you, to anybody in America.
Speaker 1: The real target of this investigation isn't Trump. The real
Speaker 1: target of this investigation is you. Do we have a
Speaker 1: dual justice system in America? Is there equal justice under
Speaker 1: the law? I am deathly afraid for Donald Trump. I
Speaker 1: would not put assassination behind these people. We're entering a
Speaker 1: basically a Venezuelan Zimbabwean East German style Banana Republican which
Speaker 1: the law doesn't matter. This is some third world bullshit
Speaker 1: right here. Let me say it again, third world bullshit
Speaker 1: all right. First of all, as someone from the third world,
Speaker 1: maybe leave us out of your ship for once. Huh?
Speaker 1: How about that? That's a world bullshit right here. Here's
Speaker 1: a stup. Every time every time Americans wants to call
Speaker 1: something in America that it is that's corrupted, all of
Speaker 1: a sudden, they're like, oh, it's a third world bullshit. Ma, man,
Speaker 1: At what point do you realize that it's happening here.
Speaker 1: It's you. It's you. Bad things only happen in other
Speaker 1: countries when it's he's still happening in other country. In fact,
Speaker 1: when something happened in the actual third world. Yeah, these
Speaker 1: days America has gotten so bad. People in Africa like,
Speaker 1: are you kidding me? This is just like America's tending
Speaker 1: into America. What are we doing here? What are we doing?
Speaker 1: But I do get what super Karen is saying. If
Speaker 1: the FBI, if the FBI is going to go off
Speaker 1: the Trump for stealing classified documents from the White House,
Speaker 1: then what's to stop them from going off to you
Speaker 1: when you steal classified documents from the White House. It's
Speaker 1: not the country we want to live in where anyone
Speaker 1: can be investigated just for the crime of doing crimes.
Speaker 1: And I don't think so. I don't think so, And
Speaker 1: you know not. All of this just shows you. It
Speaker 1: was just like you just got a moment to save.
Speaker 1: Is how amazing how quickly mega world turns on law
Speaker 1: enforcements and America as a whole, whatever it suits them,
Speaker 1: whatever things go against them. Huh, All of a sudden.
Speaker 1: Marjorie Taylor Green posting a photo of an upside down
Speaker 1: American flag after this rate happened. Yeah, well, I thought
Speaker 1: respecting the flag was the most important thing in the world.
Speaker 1: Colin Kaepernick is probably kneeling in his grave right now.
Speaker 1: All of these people complaining what happened to you? If
Speaker 1: you don't like what's happening in America, why don't you
Speaker 1: just leave? What happened to that? Huh? And all all
Speaker 1: of these all of these years, what has it been
Speaker 1: two years now of people saying, defund the police. It's
Speaker 1: like the N word for law enforcement. Yes, but let
Speaker 1: the FBI take two boxes from marrow log, and all
Speaker 1: of a sudden, these same people are like, check that
Speaker 1: thin blue line and shove it up your ass. Day
Speaker 1: fund the FBI, day fund the cops, same people, same people.
Speaker 1: Where's more enforcement? Now? You know what we need to
Speaker 1: start for conservatives. We need to start a like a
Speaker 1: game show called Who's Woken Out? That's what we should call. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like bringing our first contest to Sean Hannity who says, now,
Speaker 1: there are two justice systems in America. It's not fair. Oh,
Speaker 1: Who's woken now? Sean? You just want yourself an row pick? Congratulations, brother, Look,
Speaker 1: we don't know. We don't know what this raid will reveal.
Speaker 1: We don't even know if Donald Trump has actually done
Speaker 1: anything wrong. But what it has exposed is that this
Speaker 1: whole mega crowd, they're only pro law enforcement, the only
Speaker 1: pro law enforcement when the law is not enforcing them.
Speaker 1: First up, Domino's Pizza has announced that it is closing
Speaker 1: the lost of its restaurants in Italy. And yes, yes,
Speaker 1: they had Dominoes in Italy. Italy has drawn people too,
Speaker 1: you know, if you ask me them going out of
Speaker 1: business in Italy was actually the best thing that could
Speaker 1: have happened to them, because think about it, they came
Speaker 1: to the land of pizza and then they injected cheese
Speaker 1: into the crust. Are They're lucky they didn't get the
Speaker 1: death penalty here? You know, those are challenges, like Mom,
Speaker 1: what have you done to do the pizza? How can
Speaker 1: you do this? Meanwhile, in international news, when firefighters have
Speaker 1: successfully extinguished the largest fire in Cuba's history, which burns
Speaker 1: for five days after lightning struck an oil depot that
Speaker 1: generates powerful basically the entire country. Yeah, and honestly, I
Speaker 1: was just surprised to learn that America knows how to
Speaker 1: make lightning now oh and then h in tech News.
Speaker 1: In tech News, WhatsApp, the world's largest messaging app, has
Speaker 1: announced that is launching a new privacy feature that will
Speaker 1: allow users to leave group chats without everyone in the
Speaker 1: group knowing yeah, which is a much better system than
Speaker 1: the one before there because before this you have to
Speaker 1: text everyone in the group that you were going out
Speaker 1: for a pack of cigarettes and they just never come back.
Speaker 1: And I know, I know, for most Americans, WhatsApp is
Speaker 1: like Celsius. You sort of know what it is, but
Speaker 1: you don't use it. But for the rest of the world,
Speaker 1: this is huge news. You've gotta understand. Almost everyone in
Speaker 1: the world uses WhatsApp. The problem is, anyone can add
Speaker 1: anyone else to a group chat. You don't have to
Speaker 1: have consent from them. You may not even know these people.
Speaker 1: This morning, I spent an hour arguing with and forty
Speaker 1: two other Africans about where the cold stoves are better
Speaker 1: than wood barning stoves. But here's the thing. Here's the thing.
Speaker 1: I don't own a cold stove. I don't know the
Speaker 1: would't burning stuff and watch the wall. I don't even
Speaker 1: know who anyone that is. I don't know, But I
Speaker 1: can't leave the group chap because every time I try
Speaker 1: what that notifies them and then ad where it's like
Speaker 1: we had to do back in that chap, we saw
Speaker 1: your left up. Something must have happened. So as I
Speaker 1: was saying, if they would bend their super no, I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna creep out, you gonna slowly creep out, just
Speaker 1: disappear from the group. All right, Let's move on to
Speaker 1: the story that is still rocking these here United States,
Speaker 1: and it's about Donald jam making me crazy. Trump, America's
Speaker 1: wildest former presidents, is being hit with multiple criminal investigations
Speaker 1: for no reason except for all the crimes he probably committed.
Speaker 1: So try and keep up with all the latest persecutions.
Speaker 1: It's time for a brand new segment we call America's
Speaker 1: Most tremendously Wanted. All right, let's start in New York States,
Speaker 1: which is currently investigating Trump's businesses for tax fraud. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because apparently when he was trying to get loans from
Speaker 1: the bank, he was all like, I'm bailing out of control.
Speaker 1: But then when he was reporting his taxes to the
Speaker 1: I R. S. Suddenly he was like, hey, I ain't
Speaker 1: got no money. Huh. And as part of this investigation.
Speaker 1: The New York Attorney General has already questioned Trump's beloved
Speaker 1: children and also Eric. But today, today it was the
Speaker 1: Donald's turn to go on the oath. And I'll give
Speaker 1: credit to the man. You know, he could have bitched out,
Speaker 1: but no, he stood tall and he walked into that
Speaker 1: interrogation room and then bitched out. Former President Donald Trump
Speaker 1: says he has invoked his Fifth Amendment right against self incrimination,
Speaker 1: refusing to answer any questions in his deposition before New
Speaker 1: York Attorney General Leticia James. In a statement, Trump says
Speaker 1: he had no choice because he and his family are
Speaker 1: the targets of what he called an unfounded, politically motivated
Speaker 1: witch hunt. Trump was set to testify under oath about
Speaker 1: his business practices, but faced with those questions, He's decided
Speaker 1: not to talk. What Trump decided not to talk? No,
Speaker 1: I mean, now we know something shade he's going on, right,
Speaker 1: because when has Donald Trump ever refused to talk. We
Speaker 1: can't get the man to stop talking. Donald Trump not talking.
Speaker 1: He's like Titus of taking the bus. That's not a thing.
Speaker 1: I didn't even know this guy was capable of not talking.
Speaker 1: He must have been shocked when he found out that
Speaker 1: not speaking was something that was allowed. Does mean, like
Speaker 1: you mean, this thing doesn't have to be moving twenty
Speaker 1: four seven. That's amazing. I could just close my mouth
Speaker 1: and keep it close and everything where they're fine, so fine,
Speaker 1: Such a beautiful idea. Total silence, more silence than anyone
Speaker 1: in the history of silence. And here I go, folks, silence.
Speaker 1: You're not hearing a thing. Wonderful silence. It's so quiet.
Speaker 1: You can't hear anything. Nobody's ever been this quiet, so quiet. Now.
Speaker 1: A lot of people, a lot of people, a lot
Speaker 1: of people believe that when you plead the fifth it
Speaker 1: means that you're guilty. But no, Look, I don't believe that,
Speaker 1: all right, I know people do, but I don't believe that.
Speaker 1: You might just not want to incriminate yourself, But I
Speaker 1: get it. There are some people who truly believe that
Speaker 1: if you plead the fifth you are guilty. And one
Speaker 1: of those people is Donald J. Trump taking the fifth.
Speaker 1: I think it's disgraceful. Fifth Amendment, fifth Amendment, fifth amendment, horrible, horrible,
Speaker 1: the mob takes a fifth. If you're innocent, why are
Speaker 1: you're taking the Fifth Amendment? Yes, Donald, if you're innocent.
Speaker 1: Why are you taking the fifth Amendment? Why are you
Speaker 1: taking the fifth Amendment? It's really amazing how of all
Speaker 1: of Trump's enemies, his worst enemy is just him from
Speaker 1: the past. Yeah, that that guy's relentless. Present day Trump
Speaker 1: is probably like, why won't this guy just shut up?
Speaker 1: It's so easy, just watch quiet, totally silent, not as ound.
Speaker 1: So when anyone else please the fifth Trump says, it
Speaker 1: proves that they were criminals. But now now that Trump
Speaker 1: is in the hot seat, suddenly he sees it in
Speaker 1: a different way, you know. And maybe maybe it's because
Speaker 1: his lawyers explained it to him in a way that
Speaker 1: he would understand, and like, c sir, it's like signing
Speaker 1: an NDA, but with yourself, you know. Oh so I'm
Speaker 1: the porn star. But it turns out, it turns out
Speaker 1: New York's investigation might be the least of Trump's worries
Speaker 1: because you remember this, two days ago, right, the FBI
Speaker 1: raided Trump's house to look for classified documents that he
Speaker 1: illegally took from the White House. And remember remember this,
Speaker 1: We do not know what those documents are, all right.
Speaker 1: They could be anything. They could be nuclear codes, they
Speaker 1: could be battle plans, or or Ivanka's job description. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that was so top secret even she didn't know what
Speaker 1: it was. Or even worse, he could have taken the
Speaker 1: instructions to the White House TV remote. And now Joe
Speaker 1: Biden has no idea how to change the channel? Is that?
Speaker 1: Come on, man, I just want to watch Happy Days?
Speaker 1: Come on, man, change the channel please. And I know
Speaker 1: I know some of you are wondering right now. Some
Speaker 1: of you are thinking, Trevor is a former president keeping
Speaker 1: documents that they have already had in their position? Is
Speaker 1: that that's serious of a crime, you know? I mean
Speaker 1: Trump didn't look at the documents when he was president,
Speaker 1: so you think he's looking at them now. And I
Speaker 1: kind of agree with you, probably honest I didn't think
Speaker 1: it was that serious of a matta, But my opinion
Speaker 1: doesn't count. The reason this is the way it is
Speaker 1: is because there was once an American president who believed
Speaker 1: that this crime was so serious he increased the penalty
Speaker 1: from one year to five years in prison. Who was that, President? Donald?
Speaker 1: Just look at him now, Trump. Trump's removal of documents
Speaker 1: might violate at twenty eighteen acts that he himself signed
Speaker 1: into law increasing the penalty for improper handling of documents
Speaker 1: to five years in prison. Trump signed the law after
Speaker 1: he spent years accusing Hillary Clinton of illegally storing class
Speaker 1: by documents on a private email server. Looks like he
Speaker 1: did it again. Oh I love this. How can you not?
Speaker 1: After spending years saying lock her up, Donald Trump signed
Speaker 1: the law that might get him locked up instead. This
Speaker 1: guy is basically a real life widely coyote. Yeah, he
Speaker 1: leaves traps for all these enemies, but somehow he's the
Speaker 1: one who keeps on getting switched on the road. It's
Speaker 1: just him every single time. So thanks to Trump, this
Speaker 1: crime is a big deal, which is why the red
Speaker 1: hat brigade has come out in full force to defend him,
Speaker 1: and they're throwing everything at the wall. Everything the Biden
Speaker 1: administration is just out to get Trump. Oh the judge
Speaker 1: who approved the raiders antire Trump. The mishandling the class
Speaker 1: of our documents isn't a big deal unless you Hillary Clinton.
Speaker 1: But today today's really interesting. They seem to be coalescing
Speaker 1: around a new talking points and it's that the FBI
Speaker 1: wasn't at mar Alago to take evidence. They were there
Speaker 1: to plant evidence. Donald Trump, writing on truth Social Today
Speaker 1: quote everyone was asked to leave the premises. They wanted
Speaker 1: to be left alone without any witnesses to see what
Speaker 1: they were doing taking or hopefully not planting. Quite honestly,
Speaker 1: I'm concerned that they may have planted something. You know,
Speaker 1: at this point, who knows doctor evidence? We know they
Speaker 1: plant evidence. Do I know that the boxes of material
Speaker 1: they took from our lago that they won't put things
Speaker 1: in those boxes to entrap him? How do we know?
Speaker 1: Lawyers said they brought in backpacks? What what was in
Speaker 1: those backpacks was? Did they bring those in to fill
Speaker 1: them up or did they have something in there? Yeah?
Speaker 1: What was your known backpacks? Trump World? Everyone's doing this.
Speaker 1: They're trying to get ahead of everything, right, They're trying
Speaker 1: to get ahead of everyone hearing what the FBI found
Speaker 1: in this house by basically suggesting that whatever it is,
Speaker 1: they put it there themselves. Yeah, the FBI is gonna
Speaker 1: say they found all these secret documents and a bunch
Speaker 1: of pictures of Brad Pitt with my face glued on
Speaker 1: it so it looks like my face it's kissing Brad
Speaker 1: Pitt's face. But that's all Blandet, folks, is not real.
Speaker 1: This is a classic move. We've seen this before, right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: at some point every kid has tried to pull this
Speaker 1: move with their parents when they're about to get busted.
Speaker 1: Its like, before you search my room for we you
Speaker 1: should just know that there have been like a lot
Speaker 1: of burglars breaking into people's houses and putting half smoke
Speaker 1: joints inside old sneakers so I can find something that's
Speaker 1: probably them. What is amazing to me is how totally
Speaker 1: united every single conservative has been in defending Trump when
Speaker 1: we still have no idea what the FBI found at
Speaker 1: Mara Lago. No one, no conservative being like, well wait,
Speaker 1: let's let's wait and see. Actually, I think Senator Scott
Speaker 1: said that the rest of them, they're just like I know,
Speaker 1: I do know this. I haven't seen one person on
Speaker 1: Fox who's even open to the idea that Trump may
Speaker 1: have done something wrong, or even one. It feels like
Speaker 1: it's someone at Fox even suggested that Trump might be wrong.
Speaker 1: A trapdoor would open, Yeah, and they just fall into
Speaker 1: a pit of pronouns. Ah ah they them, he me,
Speaker 1: I don't get it, I don't get it. So in
Speaker 1: forty eight hours, conservatives have decided the FBI is corrupt.
Speaker 1: Trump is being framed, and the only crime he could
Speaker 1: be guilty of is looking so damn good in that suit.
Speaker 1: As for the rest of us, we're just gonna have
Speaker 1: to wait and see how the story unfolds. First up
Speaker 1: some international news, New Zealand maybe getting a new name. Yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: Maori politicians have launched a campaign to restore one of
Speaker 1: the country's original names, altar Roa. Right. Yeah, and I
Speaker 1: think we can all be honest, Like they can't put
Speaker 1: a lot of thought into naming it New Zealand in
Speaker 1: the first place. Yeah, like the colonizes was so lad
Speaker 1: this is New Zealand. There's New England, New York, zero effort.
Speaker 1: There's like Pete Davidson Colling is next girl for a
Speaker 1: new Kim Terrible. It's not gonna work. Meanwhile, in health news,
Speaker 1: officials in New York say that hundreds of people in
Speaker 1: the States may be infected with polio because so many
Speaker 1: people are unvaccinated. Yeah, so I guess New York is
Speaker 1: back back in the nineteen fifties. And you know, I'll
Speaker 1: be honest with you, I don't care anymore. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: don't polio. You want to come for me? Come, You're
Speaker 1: gonna have to fight for space in my body with
Speaker 1: COVID and monkey pots, just going on, just going at it,
Speaker 1: just go out and hard oh and in uh in politics,
Speaker 1: in politics. According to a new book about the Trump
Speaker 1: White House, President Trump complained that his national security team
Speaker 1: wasn't loyal enough to him, saying, quote, why can't you
Speaker 1: be like the German generals in World War Two? Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's right. Fox News was out there every day like
Speaker 1: these liberals are so over the top, always comparing Trump
Speaker 1: to Hitler. Meanwhile, Trump was going, why won't people treat
Speaker 1: me more like Hitler? Why not? Na? And it actually,
Speaker 1: it actually got even more alarming than that. Later in
Speaker 1: the same meeting, he told his generals to find the
Speaker 1: arc of the government before Indiana Jones got his hands
Speaker 1: on it. I'm joking, but that's not even the real story.
Speaker 1: So this is the crazy part. After Trump went off
Speaker 1: about how his generals should be as loyal as Hitlers were,
Speaker 1: General Kelly's response to him was, you do know that
Speaker 1: they tried to kill Hitler three times and almost pulled
Speaker 1: it off. And I don't know why, but I feel
Speaker 1: like I feel like that information didn't change Trump's opinion
Speaker 1: of the German generals like like knowing Trump he was
Speaker 1: probably like those losers trying to kill Hitler three times
Speaker 1: and they choked like a dog, like a dog couldn't
Speaker 1: get it done. You know who wasn't able to kill
Speaker 1: Hitler in the first try, Hitler. It's called leadership, people, leadership.
Speaker 1: But anyway, let's move on to some of the begginning
Speaker 1: stories of the day, slotting off with President Joe Biden,
Speaker 1: who had himself one hell of a weekend. First of all,
Speaker 1: he finally tested negative again for COVID and was allowed
Speaker 1: to leave quarantine for the first time in eighteen days. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so he's back in as good as new or whatever
Speaker 1: he was when he went in. And in eighteen days
Speaker 1: is a long time in quarantine. But I'm sure he'll
Speaker 1: get right back into the swing of things, you know,
Speaker 1: because being president is a lot like you know, riding
Speaker 1: a bike. Oh, Joe done, don't do it. So the
Speaker 1: good news for Biden is that he's out of quarantine,
Speaker 1: and even more good news for Biden is that he
Speaker 1: is now in the history books the historic vote in
Speaker 1: the Senate. Major major victory tonight for the Democrats and
Speaker 1: for our planet. This morning, Democrats triumphant. Every member of
Speaker 1: my caucus is elated about what happened, because we've really,
Speaker 1: we've changed the world in a way that you rarely
Speaker 1: get an opportunity to do that, Passing a sweeping climate, healthcare,
Speaker 1: and economic package after twenty two straight hours of dusk
Speaker 1: to don work over the weekend, Vice President Kamala Harris
Speaker 1: casting the tie breaking vote for Democrats to pass the bill,
Speaker 1: which post climate spending and billions and energy investments, also
Speaker 1: reducing crises of prescription drugs by letting Medicare negotiate directly
Speaker 1: with pharmaceutical companies, the major legislative victory for Democrats in
Speaker 1: Congress and for the Biden White House. Suddenly he is
Speaker 1: one of the most consequential legislative presidents since l VJ.
Speaker 1: In his first two years in office. Yeah, don't look now, people,
Speaker 1: but all of a sudden, Sleepy Joe has himself a
Speaker 1: pretty fat stack of accomplishments. In just the past few weeks.
Speaker 1: He'll have done lower prescription drug prices, the biggest investment
Speaker 1: in green energy ever, health care for veterans, exposed to
Speaker 1: burn court investment, imputer computer ship production, and he kept
Speaker 1: the lead of el Kada while he was sunbathing. Think
Speaker 1: about it, He's insane. Do you realize what this means?
Speaker 1: If he keeps this up, his approval ratings gonna shoot
Speaker 1: all the way up to like, and he did all
Speaker 1: of this with COVID. I've been right now. The White
Speaker 1: House doctors are trying to figure out how to give
Speaker 1: COVID back to the president. Again. Come on, guys, if
Speaker 1: we gren't even affected, maybe you'll end the one you
Speaker 1: crad And by the way, I know this is weird,
Speaker 1: but have you noticed that Joe Biden seems to be
Speaker 1: the most successful whenever he disappears. No, I know, I
Speaker 1: know it's weird, but like, like during the campaign, right,
Speaker 1: he went and he hid in the basement, and nobody's
Speaker 1: showing for months, Everyone's where's Joe Biden? Where's Joe Biden?
Speaker 1: And then out of no waere they were like they
Speaker 1: announced that he was the president. Remember he even came
Speaker 1: out on election night. It was just like really, okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: I guess me. Then now gas prices crazy, Congress, stuck,
Speaker 1: inflation wild, Joe Biden gets COVID, disappears into the basement again,
Speaker 1: and then when he comes out, they tell him that
Speaker 1: not only is he still the president, he is now
Speaker 1: one of the greatest presidents in the history of presidents.
Speaker 1: Gas prices were down, Congress is getting things done. The
Speaker 1: Choco taco is coming back from the dam. So I
Speaker 1: don't know what's in that basement or whatever it is,
Speaker 1: it's working. In fact, I want that basement to be
Speaker 1: president basement Tory twenty four. And by the way, it's
Speaker 1: not like this bill was easy for Biden to get.
Speaker 1: Remember that because it's a right. The Democrats can't afford
Speaker 1: to lose a single vote. So first they spent a
Speaker 1: year convincing Joe Mansion to get on board, and he
Speaker 1: was like, look, I'll back your climate change stuff, but
Speaker 1: only if you let me squeeze baby seals to see
Speaker 1: if there's oil inside. And the Democrats were like sure, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: whatever whatever. But then at the last minute they had
Speaker 1: to convince Kristen Cinema and she was like, okay, I'll
Speaker 1: sign on, but only if you let me squeeze hedge
Speaker 1: fund manager is to see if there's campaign donations inside.
Speaker 1: And I guess it worked. So let's move on. Because
Speaker 1: no matter what you think about Joe Biden's accomplishments, we
Speaker 1: can all agree that he stole the election? Yeah, it
Speaker 1: was a landslide victory with Donald Trump, but sneaky Joe
Speaker 1: Byron hecked into the matrix and turned all the voting
Speaker 1: machines black. No one denies this, and on January six,
Speaker 1: a group of patriots tried to explain all of this
Speaker 1: to Mike Pence's neck, but instead of listening, the U. S.
Speaker 1: Government has been throwing them in jail. They've been locked
Speaker 1: away in those cold cells ever since, with only their
Speaker 1: fur hats to keep them warm. So over the weekend.
Speaker 1: Over the weekend, conservatives gathered in Texas all right to
Speaker 1: raise awareness for just how badly the January six riders
Speaker 1: are being treated. And the way they did this was
Speaker 1: they held a very special tribute that is very moving
Speaker 1: and not at all hilarious. The insurrection fallout is front
Speaker 1: and center at Sea Pack, this year's most buzzed about booth.
Speaker 1: Is this a fake jail cell? What you're watching actually
Speaker 1: happened at Sea Pack. It features a convicted January six
Speaker 1: rioter doing performance are in a cage wearing an orange jumpsuit.
Speaker 1: Visitors were offered headsets so they could listen to interviews
Speaker 1: with jail January six defendants. While watching the actor weep,
Speaker 1: Some viewers wept along with him. Others threw money into
Speaker 1: the cage. Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Green entered this out
Speaker 1: to pray with him. Okay, wait, wait great gait wait
Speaker 1: wait okay, just wait, help me understand, Help me understand
Speaker 1: the logic module retailer Green is praying for a fake prisoner. Well,
Speaker 1: there's a real thing. She's chance. She's like serious, Who
Speaker 1: is this lady? It's like, America, this is a person
Speaker 1: who's actually part of running your country. She's in there
Speaker 1: morning with a fake praying for it. How does she
Speaker 1: function in the world. It's a fake person. She must
Speaker 1: have the hardest time at Broadway shows. They killed Hamilton's
Speaker 1: I mean, I guess in her defense, this actor in
Speaker 1: the lobby of the Spack Convention already commits it to
Speaker 1: the rule because apparently he spent hours in that jail
Speaker 1: cell weeping the whole time just weeping, which in a
Speaker 1: way is a powerful performance arc because isn't that what
Speaker 1: conservatism has turned to in America? Right? It's just people
Speaker 1: in maga hats acting like they're victims. There's fewer white
Speaker 1: people now than they used to be. We still have
Speaker 1: all the power. Oh, by the way, the part that
Speaker 1: made me laugh the hardest that is how people were
Speaker 1: throwing money into the cave, like, well, what what is that?
Speaker 1: This is like the only way they know how to
Speaker 1: interact with arts is the same way they interact with strippers.
Speaker 1: You know. It's just like your freedom has been stolen
Speaker 1: from you. Shake that to shake that. Now. You would
Speaker 1: think a story like this couldn't get any crazier, But
Speaker 1: truly the best part of the story is this actor
Speaker 1: who played the defendants was an actual rioters on January six,
Speaker 1: who reportedly avoided a prison sentence by snitching on the
Speaker 1: other rioters. Yeah. So, just so you understand, this dude
Speaker 1: is pretending to be a prisoner that he helped send
Speaker 1: to prison. Which doesn't you snitched on your federal rioters,
Speaker 1: they go to jail, and now you're on the streets. Crimate. Man.
Speaker 1: I wish there was something I could have done. That's
Speaker 1: nothing preferred to jail. I wish there's something I could
Speaker 1: have done. This is wild. All right, let's move on
Speaker 1: to some major news out of the entertainment world. There's
Speaker 1: no denying that there are fought too many streaming services
Speaker 1: out there these days. People, it's just too much. There's Hulu,
Speaker 1: the Netflix, as you know, Prime Video, Apple TV Plus,
Speaker 1: Disney Plus. It's getting out of hand. It's getting out
Speaker 1: of hand, especially when Paramount Plus gives you everything that
Speaker 1: you need in one place. You know this the Champions
Speaker 1: League as Rupo's drag Race, because the Daily Show, the
Speaker 1: South Park, the Star Trek, the Daily Show, Beavis and
Speaker 1: Buttet and of course the Daily Show. What else do
Speaker 1: you need? So, yes, there are way too many services,
Speaker 1: but luckily soon there's gonna be one less. Soon you'll
Speaker 1: get a two for one deal on streaming. HBO Max
Speaker 1: and Discovery Plus will merge next next year. Subscribers will
Speaker 1: have various options between HBO scripted entertainment and Discoveries reality
Speaker 1: based programming. It comes as HBO Max struggles with performance
Speaker 1: and customer issues. The CEO of Warner brother says, Discovery
Speaker 1: Plus has better technology and we'll become the core of
Speaker 1: the new service. No, no, no, this is enough. How
Speaker 1: many times people going to change his name? Huh? It
Speaker 1: was it was HBO Goal and then it was HBO
Speaker 1: Now on HBO Max like at this point, I feel
Speaker 1: like they're just missing with us. Next month, they're gonna
Speaker 1: be like, your name is HBO, bitch says what what so? Yeah,
Speaker 1: Warner Brothers, Discovery and HBO emerging everything into one giant company.
Speaker 1: I know that's gonna be weird, but I for one
Speaker 1: cannot wait to see how all of these biggest shows combine.
Speaker 1: Coming up on house Hunter's Westerns, Jerry is looking for
Speaker 1: a bigger space in King's Landing for his growing family. Okay,
Speaker 1: first of all, sword Chair, what is this like, seven guys,
Speaker 1: Let's switch that. Let's just switch that whole thing off,
Speaker 1: you know. Let's put in a cute ottoman, knock down
Speaker 1: some of these walls. Yeah, switch out the blood with
Speaker 1: a fresh coat of paint. Yeah, we gotta do that.
Speaker 1: We gotta fix the Thermer staff that's way too hot,
Speaker 1: way too hot. And also on the new HBO Discovery,
Speaker 1: stay tuned for the premiere of our new series ninety
Speaker 1: Days Succession to fundamentally alter the nature of the family
Speaker 1: On my wedding day, do you have any conception how God,
Speaker 1: I'm selfish, you are? I just want a green card.
Speaker 1: Let's kick things off with the ongoing saga of Donald
Speaker 1: JUDEO Christian Trump earlier this week was rudely interrupted by
Speaker 1: the FBI when he was trying to hold classify documents.
Speaker 1: And this a lot we don't know about this raid.
Speaker 1: What did the FBI find? Why would Trump be keeping
Speaker 1: these documents in the first place. Have Trump's secretly been
Speaker 1: able to read this entire time? But now we may
Speaker 1: be getting a little more insight into why the FBI
Speaker 1: moved in on mar Lago tonight brand new reporting about
Speaker 1: what led the FBI to execute a search warrant Monday
Speaker 1: at Trump's Florida home. The Wall Street Journal reporting that
Speaker 1: the FEDS may have gotten a tip off from an insider.
Speaker 1: After officials visited mar Lago back in June to ask
Speaker 1: about government documents possibly stored there, Someone familiar with the
Speaker 1: stored papers told investigators there may still be more classified
Speaker 1: documents at the private club. Trump World is now reportedly
Speaker 1: trying to figure out who flipped. According to Rolling Stone,
Speaker 1: Trump is worried that he may have a rat or
Speaker 1: multiple rats in his mist He's wondering if his fonds
Speaker 1: are tapped, or even if his bodies could be wearing
Speaker 1: a wire. Oh no, one of Trump's friends could be
Speaker 1: wearing a wire. This is the worst possible scenario because
Speaker 1: now he's got to tell Rudy Giuliani and Steve Bannon
Speaker 1: to take their shirts off, just be like take it,
Speaker 1: you know what. On second thought, I'll just kill myself.
Speaker 1: And if this is actually true, I am going to
Speaker 1: be shocked. I cannot believe someone would betray Trump's trust
Speaker 1: like this without getting a book deal. First, you're leaving
Speaker 1: money on the table. People pretty doing Also, by the way,
Speaker 1: before Maga World tears itself apart trying to figure out
Speaker 1: who's the rat, I think you should all consider the
Speaker 1: fact that Trump could be the league. Okay, no, because
Speaker 1: if there's one thing we've learned over the past seven
Speaker 1: years is that he's the king of snitching on himself.
Speaker 1: Before we know, he was bragging about it at the
Speaker 1: Marlogo buffet. He's just like this chocolate cake. It's almost
Speaker 1: as unforgettable as the classified documentary I keep in my basement,
Speaker 1: but not a shingled person. Note it was the perfect crime.
Speaker 1: By the way, that's a real picture of him at
Speaker 1: the buffet. We didn't create that. There are many pictures
Speaker 1: of him at the buffet now if we had more time,
Speaker 1: we could get into how Trump has had such a
Speaker 1: tight hold on the Republican Party that they're willing to
Speaker 1: put him above the law. We could talk about with
Speaker 1: Americ Gland. I'm sealing the search war will convinced Republicans
Speaker 1: that the search was justified. But we just don't have
Speaker 1: the time because while Trump is fighting off the FBI
Speaker 1: to former Trump officials are trying to dodge Iranian assassins.
Speaker 1: Turning to a story overseas, a member of Iran's elite
Speaker 1: Revolutionary Guard is charged in an alleged plot to murder
Speaker 1: former National Security advisor John Bolton. Investigators say the alleged
Speaker 1: murder for higher plant began to take shape after this
Speaker 1: drone strike in Iran assassinated Tamperani in General Consumt Sulamani
Speaker 1: over two years ago. Iran found retaliation. The Justice Department
Speaker 1: is now charging sh Iran pur Safi, a member of
Speaker 1: Iran's Revolutionary Guard, with offering three hundred thousand dollars to
Speaker 1: murder Bolton. The FBI also alleges that poor Safi had
Speaker 1: a second job for one million dollars. The target of
Speaker 1: that job, former Secretary of State, might Pompeio. Yeah, that's right.
Speaker 1: America assassinated Iran's top general, one of the country's most
Speaker 1: respected and feared men, and Iran responded by trying to
Speaker 1: kill John Bolton and Mike Pompeos. It's not the same level.
Speaker 1: It's like it's like if your wife slept with your
Speaker 1: best friend and you're like, oh, yeah, well I hooked
Speaker 1: up with the I T guy at your office. Okay.
Speaker 1: You know. In some ways, it actually says something about
Speaker 1: how divided America is, yeah, that it has nobody as
Speaker 1: respected as sole Money was in Iran. It feels like
Speaker 1: if anyone got assassinated in America, half the country would
Speaker 1: be like, hell, yeah, thank you Iran. And by the way,
Speaker 1: just as insult. Thousand dollars for Balton but a million
Speaker 1: for Pompeo. Yeah, that's a big difference in price. I
Speaker 1: almost I almost feel bad for John Bolton because I
Speaker 1: don't know what's worse being on an assassin's hit list,
Speaker 1: for having the assassin find you and the assassin jumping
Speaker 1: out like John Bolton sag, I'm looking for a more
Speaker 1: important person to kill. Do you know what I could
Speaker 1: find him? Yes, yes, point me in the right direction. Also,
Speaker 1: by the way, if Iran was willing to pay a
Speaker 1: million dollars to kill Trump's secretary of State, they should
Speaker 1: have just asked Trump to do it. I mean, he
Speaker 1: was gonna get his vice president killed for free. Come on, people,
Speaker 1: think about it, think about it. No, but for real,
Speaker 1: I do feel bad for John Bolton. I mean, yes,
Speaker 1: he's always trying to bomb every other country. Yes he
Speaker 1: brags about overthrowing governments, but being hunted by the Iranians
Speaker 1: can't be fun. I mean, it definitely explains why he's
Speaker 1: wearing that stupid fake mustache the whole time. It's real.
Speaker 1: Oh sorry, my bad. Now. Now, if we had more time,
Speaker 1: we could talk about how America sees nothing wrong with
Speaker 1: assassinating foreign officials whenever they like, but ax surprise, where
Speaker 1: other countries want to get revenge. You should have turned
Speaker 1: the other cheek. But we just don't have the time.
Speaker 1: Goddamn it. Because while Iran is trying to get rout
Speaker 1: of people, Japan is trying to figure out how to
Speaker 1: add people to its population. The only problem is who
Speaker 1: they put in charge of that. Japan has replaced the
Speaker 1: female minister in charge of reversing the country's falling birthrate
Speaker 1: with a man who has never had children. Massanabu Ogura
Speaker 1: said he gained an understanding of the issues facing expectant
Speaker 1: mothers by wearing a simulated pregnancy belly for twenty four hours,
Speaker 1: telling reporters that wearing the sixteen pound prosthetic left him
Speaker 1: with sympathy for women and back pain. This is the
Speaker 1: dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life. If having
Speaker 1: a big belly helped men understand women, the patriarchy would
Speaker 1: be long gone. What are you talking about? The dumbest
Speaker 1: thing you have all? It left me with his back also,
Speaker 1: like what a bitch ass one day and he was like,
Speaker 1: moll my back. Not aside from trying to misdoubt fire,
Speaker 1: they're falling population froblem. Japan is trying everything to figure
Speaker 1: out why their people aren't having more babies. And look,
Speaker 1: I'm not a scientist, but if you ask me, maybe
Speaker 1: it's because they invented the PlayStation. Yeah, that thing has
Speaker 1: prevented more pregnancies than every condom dia FRAGM and i
Speaker 1: U D ever made ever. That's real birth control. Yeah,
Speaker 1: just be like all right, baby, you ready to have
Speaker 1: some sex or you know some real sex and that goods.
Speaker 1: Let me just finish this mission. Let messure I just
Speaker 1: I love the RPG, your boys get online. We're gonna
Speaker 1: all night. Baby. You're probably gonna want to live the
Speaker 1: rest of your life without me. Yeah. Now, if we
Speaker 1: had more time, we could talk about how Japan is
Speaker 1: a warning to every developed country in the world that
Speaker 1: if your immigration policies are too restrictive, at some point,
Speaker 1: your population is gonna collapse. Or if we have time,
Speaker 1: we could have so much fun talking about how Japan
Speaker 1: basically has a Secretary of wrought arguing, which is wild,
Speaker 1: Like what does he do to the arm meats like
Speaker 1: snipe holes out of condoms. I'd love to figure it out,
Speaker 1: but nobody got time for that. Before we go, I
Speaker 1: just wanted to remind you about a fantastic organization, Chapago.
Speaker 1: They deal with helping women deliver healthcare right all around
Speaker 1: the world, whether it's training doctors on family health, educating
Speaker 1: women on plant parenting, or building new systems to get
Speaker 1: women's health care to impoverish communities. They do it. Also,
Speaker 1: if you'd like to help them guarantee healthier futures for
Speaker 1: women and their families, then please donate at the link below.
Speaker 1: The Daily Show with Trevor Noah ears editions. Subscribe to
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Speaker 1: full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a
Speaker 1: Comedy Central podcast