Speaker 1: This is he said a ya Dho with Eric Winter
Speaker 1: and Rosalind Fantaz.
Speaker 2: All Right, everybody, welcome back to another episode of He
Speaker 2: said a yeddo.
Speaker 3: I am so excited today we have a guest.
Speaker 2: You know, I've been talking about this book for a
Speaker 2: while on parenting and it is it has been something
Speaker 2: that's eye opening, a little bit tough to process because
Speaker 2: you know, you think you're doing everything right and listen,
Speaker 2: nobody can do anything perfectly. But this book, I think
Speaker 2: really helps guide you in the right way. It's how
Speaker 2: to raise mentally strong kids. And I'm so excited that
Speaker 2: doctor Charles Faye, one of the co authors of this book,
Speaker 2: is here with us today to talk about the book,
Speaker 2: talk about how we can be better parents and work
Speaker 2: with our kids the best way possible because there is
Speaker 2: no roadmap, you know, one straightforward way for any kid.
Speaker 2: He is a parent, internationally recognized author, consultant, highly skilled
Speaker 2: public speaker, a psychologist.
Speaker 3: You know, he works with kids all the time.
Speaker 2: So this is something that I just I can't wait
Speaker 2: to dive in and pick his brain.
Speaker 4: Hello.
Speaker 3: How you doing, doctor Faye? Good in you, Eric, I'm
Speaker 3: doing great.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for being on the podcast with me,
Speaker 2: which my wife could be here too.
Speaker 4: My pleasure.
Speaker 3: Your your book how to.
Speaker 2: Raise mentally Strong Kids has been something that I've already
Speaker 2: you know, referred to a ton of parents in my circle,
Speaker 2: and it's I've been talking about on the podcast for
Speaker 2: a while and I was so excited when our producers
Speaker 2: were able to get a hold of you and get
Speaker 2: you on the podcast. Is that you've obviously written many books,
Speaker 2: but this book to me was so eye opening in
Speaker 2: being a parent, and it was it was recommended to me,
Speaker 2: funny enough, by my daughter's mindset coach, who is she
Speaker 2: plays a lot of tennis, and that's he recommended it
Speaker 2: to me. What what what made you decide to write
Speaker 2: this particular book.
Speaker 1: Oh? Well, first of all, Daniel Aim and doctor Aiman
Speaker 1: is absolute genius and I just love him. He's such
Speaker 1: a kind man and so spot on with what he's
Speaker 1: doing with parenting and the brain relationships everything else. That
Speaker 1: m and I got together, we started seeing the connection
Speaker 1: between both of our careers and he said, hey, how
Speaker 1: about if we write a book? And I said yes
Speaker 1: immediately because it is that connection between the brain health
Speaker 1: and the practical psychology. I mean, what do we do
Speaker 1: when the rubber hits the pavement.
Speaker 4: We're trying to parent. That connection is powerful and it's
Speaker 4: unique one.
Speaker 2: Hundred percent, and there's there there's no roadmap. I just
Speaker 2: said this, even an interro. There's no roadmap to anyone,
Speaker 2: to any child, Like it's everybody. You're not giving a
Speaker 2: handbook like this will work with everybody. I have two kids,
Speaker 2: and they're so different, right, and everything's the same, right, Like,
Speaker 2: same parents, same upbringing, same everything, and they're just so
Speaker 2: polar opposite. And you're you're a parent. I mean, surely
Speaker 2: you've made plenty of mistakes as well, right, Like following
Speaker 2: the book is.
Speaker 3: I read it and I was going.
Speaker 2: Wow, I need to work on myself. But it was
Speaker 2: in the most positive way. You know. It's just giving
Speaker 2: you tools to be better. But no parent can be
Speaker 2: perfect either.
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness. You know I was thinking about this today. Well,
Speaker 1: first of all, I was thinking I often think have
Speaker 1: this feeling all the time, and it goes like this, Wow,
Speaker 1: after the way things went today in our house with
Speaker 1: my behavior, you know, I have no business talking with
Speaker 1: anybody about parenting, right, So, and then my wife will say,
Speaker 1: just get over yourself, right, you just need to move on.
Speaker 1: And she's right, really, but I got to thinking just
Speaker 1: today about the fact that we're all imperfect, right, and
Speaker 1: our kids are imperfect. So who better to show our
Speaker 1: kids how to navigate life then somebody else who's imperfect
Speaker 1: just like them, right, because they're going to make a
Speaker 1: lot of mistakes and they need to look back at
Speaker 1: their parents that think, well, if my parents as messed
Speaker 1: up as they were could do it, I guess I
Speaker 1: could do this too, right. But because I mean, honestly,
Speaker 1: who who really.
Speaker 4: Likes to follow somebody who's perfect?
Speaker 1: I mean that, you know, follow people who come across
Speaker 1: as perfect, are not really all that motivational.
Speaker 3: Might be more damage than others they just started.
Speaker 1: Well, that's true, but you know it's when we see
Speaker 1: somebody who's the underdog, you know, that's the underdog story.
Speaker 1: I mean, you know, every every great drama, every blockbuster
Speaker 1: film had that element, you know, of of the Rocky story.
Speaker 1: You know, this guy who just couldn't pronounce words very well,
Speaker 1: wasn't that attractive, dressed poorly, but he worked hard, you know,
Speaker 1: and he succeeded. And that gives us hope. And I
Speaker 1: want our kids to be able to see that enough.
Speaker 1: So parents, Uh, the good news is you're not perfect
Speaker 1: and you don't have to be.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know in some the things you talked about
Speaker 2: in the book, even just putting yourself back into their
Speaker 2: shoes right at their point in our lives. And it's
Speaker 2: very hard for parents because as we get older, we think, okay,
Speaker 2: we've figured it all out. But yeah, it took so
Speaker 2: many years and steps for us to figure out what
Speaker 2: we know. And we didn't figure it all out, but
Speaker 2: we figured out to get us to this point. And
Speaker 2: it's hard to reflect back on the challenges you had
Speaker 2: as a child and the things that you went through
Speaker 2: and to know that what your kids going through is
Speaker 2: totally normal. It is expected for them to go through this.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And it's part of the purposeful process, it really is.
Speaker 1: And I will ask all the listeners right now, how
Speaker 1: many of you learned the most important lessons in life
Speaker 1: by making really good decisions doing the right thing or
Speaker 1: were those learning experiences mostly the result of you making
Speaker 1: important decisions and experiencing the consequences. And so a message.
Speaker 1: I want everybody here lot and clear this message out
Speaker 1: as much as I can. Your kids they need to
Speaker 1: make a lot of mistakes. I hope they're making enough
Speaker 1: affordable mistakes right now, the kind of mistakes that are
Speaker 1: not life and death. They might sting a bit for
Speaker 1: the kid and for you as well as a parent,
Speaker 1: but they're way more affordable than the mistakes they'll make
Speaker 1: later on in life if they don't have experience with
Speaker 1: making decisions and experiencing consequences.
Speaker 3: One hundred percent.
Speaker 2: And you know, some of the things, and I always
Speaker 2: talk about this, even just with friends and stuff like that,
Speaker 2: and I guess I'm a frustrated psychologist in a way.
Speaker 2: I was a psych major in school and I ended
Speaker 2: up being an actor, so it helped me in a different,
Speaker 2: totally different way. But you know, it's like we all
Speaker 2: want to just try to be I think my parents
Speaker 2: did the best they could, and I have so much
Speaker 2: respect for what my parents did, but I always feel
Speaker 2: like it's every generation's job.
Speaker 3: To try to do a little better and a little
Speaker 3: better and.
Speaker 2: Whatever you learn, because there's so much new knowledge and
Speaker 2: so much more information coming in, you know, every single year,
Speaker 2: about food, about health, about all kinds of stuff that
Speaker 2: we can be better as parents.
Speaker 3: And it's a balance.
Speaker 2: It's not easy, but you know, There is a fine
Speaker 2: line also between being like a helicopter parent, which to
Speaker 2: me is you got to let your kids, like you said,
Speaker 2: make mistakes. You can't micromanage everything, even though I know
Speaker 2: I do way more than my parents did. But do
Speaker 2: you think that's a sign of the times that have changed,
Speaker 2: or is that just the new wave of parenting of
Speaker 2: this I'm going to try to control every aspect to
Speaker 2: protect my kids from everything.
Speaker 1: Well, first of all, it's it's evolved over the years.
Speaker 1: So the helicopter parenting actually began during the nineteen fifties,
Speaker 1: when one of the first time during during the time
Speaker 1: one of the first times in American history where people
Speaker 1: actually had some leisure time, you know, and they had
Speaker 1: all these appliances, and they had rs and all this stuff,
Speaker 1: and the economy was really good, and now they had
Speaker 1: time to mess up their kids, okay, and so you know,
Speaker 1: and they thought, oh, you know, I'm not going to
Speaker 1: let my kids struggle like I did during the depression
Speaker 1: during World War two. You know, I don't want them
Speaker 1: to go through that stuff. And so they tried to
Speaker 1: make life perfect and they put kids at the center
Speaker 1: of attention all out of good intention. But the truth
Speaker 1: of it is is that none of us know how
Speaker 1: to manage life unless we have some struggle. You know
Speaker 1: that we need struggle. We need struggle for purpose. But
Speaker 1: it started in the nineteen fifties to answer your question.
Speaker 1: And then as the world feels more dangerous in some ways,
Speaker 1: people get scared. And see when people get scared, they
Speaker 1: go in the direction of trying to control the environment.
Speaker 1: When I'm fearful, how can I control everything so it
Speaker 1: lines up right in my mind, which causes things to
Speaker 1: get more out of control in our lives.
Speaker 3: Well, one hundred percent, you know it's so.
Speaker 2: I always joke with you in friends are saying, like
Speaker 2: this generation of kids, like my generation of my children,
Speaker 2: they they're softer than we were as kids, you know,
Speaker 2: Like I had to navigate waters on my own. I
Speaker 2: was staying home by myself much you know, younger. I
Speaker 2: was out till late at night when the street lights
Speaker 2: went out. My parents just said be here at this time,
Speaker 2: and I was there. There were no phones. You couldn't
Speaker 2: contact me.
Speaker 3: I knew.
Speaker 2: I figured out street smarts at a very young age
Speaker 2: where I felt very comfortable navigating dangerous situations. But I
Speaker 2: don't feel like my kids are at that place, and
Speaker 2: I even though I try to explain it and I try.
Speaker 3: To be open with you know, with them about everything.
Speaker 2: I just don't feel like those freedoms have been allowed
Speaker 2: by us. Like there's just a I'm scared you know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think we all are. I noticed that with myself.
Speaker 1: I have a forty year old, I have a thirty
Speaker 1: year old, and I have a seventeen year old. We
Speaker 1: had a later in life surprise blessing, okay, and things
Speaker 1: have changed just in that period of time, and I
Speaker 1: find myself thinking, wow, am I way more of a
Speaker 1: helicopter myself than I was before? Because there's just a
Speaker 1: lot more going on out there, and so it is scary.
Speaker 1: So parents, first of all, let's get real. Okay, let's
Speaker 1: really get real. Sometimes it's really important to micromanage and helicopter.
Speaker 1: I mean, kid is about ready to do something really
Speaker 1: damaging to themselves or others. That's when we throw out
Speaker 1: the parenting books and we say no, and we do
Speaker 1: everything we can to either be a helicopter and rescue
Speaker 1: them or be a drill sergeant to say just flat
Speaker 1: out no, not gonna happen, right, and we can pull
Speaker 1: that off. Parents, you can pull that off if it's
Speaker 1: not the only tool in your toolbox.
Speaker 2: I think that's the important thing, right, is having different tools,
Speaker 2: because sometimes you will have to be like in your book,
Speaker 2: as you describe a drill sergeant, sometimes you will have
Speaker 2: to step up and be that. It's obviously not what
Speaker 2: you want to be all the time because it's going
Speaker 2: to have its own consequence on the child. But you're
Speaker 2: gonna end up having different aspects of each of those
Speaker 2: parenting characteristics.
Speaker 1: I think, right, and parents, here's something that will help
Speaker 1: help me. I think it's helped a awful lot of
Speaker 1: people is to constantly ask yourself every day, am I
Speaker 1: allowing this kid to do enough thinking? Am I allowing
Speaker 1: this kid enough freedom to make some small mistakes? Am
Speaker 1: I teaching this kid basic life skills? For example, you know,
Speaker 1: we would go shopping, and my wife is so so
Speaker 1: much smarter at this than I am. She would have
Speaker 1: our sons make a list of all the things we needed.
Speaker 1: She'd give them some feedback, but they were responsible at
Speaker 1: a very early early age for trying to figure out
Speaker 1: what was needed at the store. Of course, we would,
Speaker 1: you know, throw in some ideas. We're guiding all along
Speaker 1: the way, but we're getting them thinking about it. And
Speaker 1: then when we're in the store, they're the ones who
Speaker 1: have to find the stuff, and if we know where
Speaker 1: it is, we don't give them that information right away.
Speaker 1: We allow them to struggle. Are your kids struggling? Are
Speaker 1: they thinking through life?
Speaker 4: You know?
Speaker 1: Then we get to the checkout line and they're the
Speaker 1: ones who are paying. They're the ones who are interacting
Speaker 1: with the clerk.
Speaker 4: I can remember.
Speaker 1: Kids, they were like four or five years old, and
Speaker 1: they're the woman. The clerk's looking at us and no,
Speaker 1: he's going to handle this, you know, just looking at
Speaker 1: and he's been coached a lot. Okay, he can and
Speaker 1: we jump in and correct and if we needed to.
Speaker 1: But the more you can do that stuff, the greater
Speaker 1: your kid's mental health is going to be. Now, where's
Speaker 1: the connection there? I just made a leap, right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: a bit of a leap mental health from all of that. Parents, listeners,
Speaker 1: When when we can solve problems, when we have the
Speaker 1: confidence of knowing that we can navigate this difficult world
Speaker 1: and think and solve problem, does that give us hope?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: I can do this, and see, the more hope we
Speaker 1: have the more immune we're going to be, resistant, we're
Speaker 1: going to be to developing anxiety, depression, and a whole
Speaker 1: host of other problems. It's that hope, it's that sense
Speaker 1: of control, that sense of empowerment. And that is precisely
Speaker 1: why friends, that the kids who've been helicoptered chronically are
Speaker 1: the ones who have are more likely to have the
Speaker 1: more serious mental health struggles.
Speaker 2: I mean, it doesn't make sense that if a child
Speaker 2: starts feeling a constant fear of stepping into a position,
Speaker 2: that the anxiety level of that child could increase over
Speaker 2: the years and get worse and worse and worse, and
Speaker 2: next thing you know, you have a team that's dealing
Speaker 2: with heavy anxiety because they never got to a place
Speaker 2: at as a child where they felt that hope or comfort,
Speaker 2: or responsibility or confidence. Really, yeah, I was gonna jump
Speaker 2: to another chapter because I loved your chapter on health
Speaker 2: and eating and that's something to me, like pairing the
Speaker 2: brain and the gut and how all of that can
Speaker 2: come into play in how you take care of your body.
Speaker 2: Because your brain, you have to take care of it,
Speaker 2: but you have to take care of your body as well.
Speaker 2: And to me, you tackled so many things that we
Speaker 2: follow in our house with just healthy diets. Things that
Speaker 2: are bad for your kids outright, they should not be eating.
Speaker 2: It's toxic for the brain, it's not good for their
Speaker 2: growth anything. And we get looked at. I'll tell you what,
Speaker 2: maybe we're a bit too helicoptery in this category, but
Speaker 2: we are very, very of the mind of we're gonna
Speaker 2: teach you kids what's right, what's wrong, what's good with food,
Speaker 2: what's bad with food. Why this high fructose corn syrup
Speaker 2: is not good for you. Why dies are not good
Speaker 2: for you, even though all your favorite candies and all
Speaker 2: these juices and everything have it, sodaes and everything else.
Speaker 2: Why this is bad even though your friends might do
Speaker 2: it heavily processed foods, you're not going.
Speaker 3: To do it, at least not at home. And then
Speaker 3: you know, you go to a birthday party.
Speaker 2: You give them a little freedom, and they're gonna have
Speaker 2: some of this, and they have some of that, but
Speaker 2: you try to manage it as much as you can.
Speaker 3: To me, your chapter was spot on. It made my
Speaker 3: kids listen to it. I rewound it. I said, listen,
Speaker 3: we're not crazy. Look what the doctor's saying. Look what they're.
Speaker 2: Saying in this book. This is spot on what we
Speaker 2: tell you every day. And it's a battle. It's tough
Speaker 2: because we get looked at by other parents like we're crazy.
Speaker 2: But I look at those parents and I don't judge anybody.
Speaker 2: I let them raise their kids however they want. But
Speaker 2: if I'm looking at a kid having three and four
Speaker 2: sodas back to back, I'm like, maybe do a little research.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a problem. You hit on something really powerful,
Speaker 1: and that is that great parents teach their kids right
Speaker 1: from wrong. They teach their kids what is good what
Speaker 1: is not good. They instill deep values, they instill solve
Speaker 1: information about a nutritional health exercise, a wide variety of
Speaker 1: different issues. But but affect parents aren't really involved and
Speaker 1: they are not afraid to share their values with their kids.
Speaker 1: We've we've gotten scared off from that.
Speaker 4: Over the years.
Speaker 1: There's this there's been this trend of oh, and there's
Speaker 1: a number of books written about I won't mention any
Speaker 1: of the names of these books, but they're all basically
Speaker 1: excuses not to not to actually teach our kids' values
Speaker 1: and information about things. It's like, just let them figure
Speaker 1: it out, you know. I often think that I fly
Speaker 1: a lot, you know, and I'm so glad that the
Speaker 1: pilots are kind of anal retentive. I really like that
Speaker 1: that they are pretty controlling people when it comes to
Speaker 1: their jobs. It's the same feeling I have when I
Speaker 1: go in I had surgery a few years back. I
Speaker 1: was really glad that my doctor is kind of uptight
Speaker 1: about procedures and all that sort of think because I
Speaker 1: felt safe. And see, when our kids do not have
Speaker 1: the leadership required to know how to navigate life in
Speaker 1: terms of their their physical health, their mental health, their
Speaker 1: sexual health, right their spiritual health, you go down the line.
Speaker 1: If they don't have that, they're going to get lost,
Speaker 1: they're going to get anxious, and they're going to make
Speaker 1: a lot of mistakes that aren't affordable. So I'm right
Speaker 1: on board with you. But the question is, Okay, we
Speaker 1: just talked about two seemingly incompatible constructs here, and we're
Speaker 1: promoting both. So let's let's explore that for a moment.
Speaker 1: We're talking about let's let kids make mistakes, let's not
Speaker 1: be helicopters or drill sergeants, while at the same time,
Speaker 1: let's be fairly you know, honestly, really good parents are
Speaker 1: kind on the strict side. They're more on the firm
Speaker 1: side about things. So how do we reconcile those two things. Well, well,
Speaker 1: first of all, I'm going to I'm going to walk
Speaker 1: the talk.
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, you got to be the example, right.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's my walk is way more important than my talk.
Speaker 1: Let's remember that. So so people tend to respect people
Speaker 1: who are willing to walk their talk.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 1: The second thing has to do with relationship. See, when
Speaker 1: I have a solid relationship and spend a lot of
Speaker 1: time with my kids, I have a lot of joy
Speaker 1: with them. I focus mostly on what they do well
Speaker 1: rather than what they do poorly. The odds are way
Speaker 1: higher that they're going to look at me and think,
Speaker 1: you know, I want to be like that guy. I
Speaker 1: want to be like my mom, I want to be
Speaker 1: like that woman. You know, I want to adopt their
Speaker 1: value system. So the relationship is so so important. And
Speaker 1: then of course we pick those things that were absolutely
Speaker 1: unwilling to budge on. We teach them, we expect them,
Speaker 1: we model them. Uh, and then we let go of
Speaker 1: the rest.
Speaker 3: At some point, you're going to have to let go.
Speaker 2: You got to let them you got to give them
Speaker 2: all the tools and let them be young, you know,
Speaker 2: little people and young young adults, and let them navigate
Speaker 2: the waters.
Speaker 1: Right, right, Yeah, we have those core non negotiables, but
Speaker 1: then we have a whole broad area of real estate where, kid,
Speaker 1: you get to make some big mistakes as long as
Speaker 1: they're not so big that they're going to hurt you
Speaker 1: or other people.
Speaker 2: Well, I think it's so hard because I'm a firm
Speaker 2: believer in the brain gut relationship, right, And I wasn't
Speaker 2: always that way. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not going
Speaker 2: to say I was perfect. I was terrible as a kid.
Speaker 2: I ate horrible foods, you know, And that was a
Speaker 2: different generation, right, Like, it's just I don't think our
Speaker 2: parents knew any different. And what we're seeing now, especially
Speaker 2: just in the standard American diet and what we see
Speaker 2: across just the way our foods are processed in the
Speaker 2: States is so different than if you're to be in
Speaker 2: Europe where you were to see how their FDA approaches
Speaker 2: things and what's allowed in foods and not allowed, and
Speaker 2: it's so much easier. And I would use this example.
Speaker 2: You could be a lactose intolerant. You could have an
Speaker 2: issue with gluten, and you go to Europe and you
Speaker 2: could have all the cheese you want, and you could
Speaker 2: eat bread and you feel.
Speaker 3: Fine and you lose weight.
Speaker 2: Right, But here everything is so overly processed, so loaded
Speaker 2: with other additives and preservatives and colors and dyes and
Speaker 2: you know, just so much stuff. It drives me crazy
Speaker 2: that we have not we have non negotiables, you know,
Speaker 2: in our house. And I know a lot of parents
Speaker 2: that are that are friends of ours look at us
Speaker 2: like you're crazy.
Speaker 3: And I'm like, well, it's okay. You don't judge me.
Speaker 2: I'm not judging you do whatever you want with your kids,
Speaker 2: but I'm gonna teach my kid that this is a
Speaker 2: big no. And if you occasionally are somewhere and you
Speaker 2: want to have it, you know, have something great.
Speaker 3: They always have. It's about what's having better, you know
Speaker 3: what I mean?
Speaker 2: If you're gonna have an ice cream and you know,
Speaker 2: you know, let's say you can avoid the dairy because
Speaker 2: one of my kids doesn't do great with dairiusn't have
Speaker 2: a sorbet right, or have a gelato or you know,
Speaker 2: a sorbetto right, and don't do the dairy and if
Speaker 2: it's made with real sugar, I'd rather that than some
Speaker 2: artificially sweetened or whatever else. But you can always trying
Speaker 2: and find a better option, because I truly think what
Speaker 2: you put in your gut directly affects your brain. And
Speaker 2: it's like what they say like follow your gut, well,
Speaker 2: that's like sometimes your first brain exactly.
Speaker 1: And everything is absolutely connected. That is the essence of
Speaker 1: both of our approaches, Daniels and I that every single
Speaker 1: thing is connected, and so what we put in is
Speaker 1: going to dramatically influence our mood and our cognitive behaviors
Speaker 1: and everything else, not to mention our physical health. So
Speaker 1: it is all connected. And parents, if somebody has a
Speaker 1: problem with the way you're parenting, is that okay, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I know. There are a lot of people have a
Speaker 1: problem with things that I say, or things that I do,
Speaker 1: or are actions that I've taken, and I have to
Speaker 1: ask myself, do I truly feel committed to those?
Speaker 4: Is that?
Speaker 1: Are these the most loving things I can do for
Speaker 1: my family, my kids and my neighbors. And I have
Speaker 1: to rest on that. But the truth, here's a little
Speaker 1: bit of truth here. Okay, if you're really healthy, it's.
Speaker 4: Gonna bother a lot of people.
Speaker 1: Yeah, if you're really healthy psychologically, spiritually, cognitively, morally, that's
Speaker 1: gonna be really threatening to a lot of people. And
Speaker 1: you have to say to yourself, you know, that's sad
Speaker 1: for them, and.
Speaker 4: I'll pray for that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but you go, you stay in a place of
Speaker 1: peace for yourself and don't let them get you off track.
Speaker 3: You protect your family as they would do as well.
Speaker 3: So it's a priority.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 2: Let me ask you this because it came from Have
Speaker 2: you worked with a lot of parents that deal with
Speaker 2: children in sports.
Speaker 3: Yeah, let me tell you it's tough.
Speaker 2: My daughter is a competitive tennis player and plays that
Speaker 2: you know, plays at least six days a week, and
Speaker 2: she's in tournaments and you know USDA and she's track
Speaker 2: going around and it is. It has been eye opening
Speaker 2: that that world in general, for tennis of all sports.
Speaker 3: You know, I didn't grow up playing it. I grew
Speaker 3: up playing team sports.
Speaker 2: And a lot of the parents you meet are very
Speaker 2: challenging and the you know, the environment's tough. It's everybody
Speaker 2: thinks they have the next pro and it's it's a
Speaker 2: lot right then. It Yeah, brushes off from from that
Speaker 2: from to you to your kid, and then your kid
Speaker 2: feels all this pressure and weight of like I got
Speaker 2: to keep up with.
Speaker 3: Everybody, and training is so difficult.
Speaker 2: What is something to simple advice you can give parents
Speaker 2: that are dealing with children that want to be great
Speaker 2: in sports, but they're still children that they are going
Speaker 2: through you know, teenage years where it comes and goes
Speaker 2: and ebbs and flows their commitment and all that, and
Speaker 2: it can be frustrated for a parent.
Speaker 3: Do you have general advice?
Speaker 1: Well, that's rest pretty close to home because I had
Speaker 1: three boys who were were pretty good athletes and very competitive.
Speaker 1: And the first bit of advice is kids will always
Speaker 1: take their emotional cues from the adults they.
Speaker 4: Love and respect.
Speaker 1: Okay, so how well put together am I? I used
Speaker 1: to have to ask myself as my young host was
Speaker 1: up on the mound, you know, as a picture, how
Speaker 1: you know how well put together am I?
Speaker 4: Today? Over this whole thing?
Speaker 1: Because what this kid needs is they need an adult
Speaker 1: who can be a loving rock in their life. That's huge. See,
Speaker 1: if you watch sports and you watch parents with their
Speaker 1: kids in sports, usually the kids perform better and are
Speaker 1: happier when the parents have to work on that day
Speaker 1: and they can't make the game true. Okay, So all right,
Speaker 1: So do I want to communicate to them that? And
Speaker 1: here's the main message is I love you, I like you.
Speaker 3: I'm not.
Speaker 1: Dependent upon how you do in this sport for me
Speaker 1: to be happy and content as a parent.
Speaker 4: And see that that.
Speaker 1: I was tricked by that, you know, I thought I
Speaker 1: was there many times with me and you know, and
Speaker 1: I thought, oh, you know, I love my kids unconditially.
Speaker 1: I don't care, you know, if he you know, if
Speaker 1: he walks somebody, if he gets homered off of that's fine.
Speaker 1: You know, I love him. I don't love his no
Speaker 1: hitter potential.
Speaker 2: Ah yeah, But do you know how much happier you
Speaker 2: feel when you leave the game, Oh yeah, hitter and
Speaker 2: you're like cloud nine.
Speaker 3: Your day is the best I know.
Speaker 4: Oh I know.
Speaker 1: And that's the danger of it. That's the trickiness of it.
Speaker 1: So that's probably the biggest obstacle for parents.
Speaker 4: Okay.
Speaker 1: And so this is why they're also we have to
Speaker 1: fight to maintain other parts of our life with our
Speaker 1: kids when they're this involved in sports. Other parts of
Speaker 1: our life with our kids where we get meaning from
Speaker 1: other things, For example, in our family was. We just
Speaker 1: decided that we were going to fight to remain continue
Speaker 1: to go to church, even though there was all this
Speaker 1: competition going on, and sometimes we had to get pretty
Speaker 1: creative with that and do it at different times. But
Speaker 1: we devoted ourselves to that because that had to be
Speaker 1: our purpose. Not the sports, so very important because it
Speaker 1: can get way lopsided. The third thing I would say
Speaker 1: is don't look to the coaches. Now this is not
Speaker 1: a dig on coach. There's a lot of great ones
Speaker 1: out there, by the way. Don't look to the coaches,
Speaker 1: and don't look to the other parents for your sense
Speaker 1: of direction or your your image of what it looks
Speaker 1: like to be healthy. We often do that. We get
Speaker 1: involved in this. It's a culture.
Speaker 4: It's a whole.
Speaker 1: Family, you know, and we like the other parents, and
Speaker 1: some of them we don't, but we all spend so
Speaker 1: much time together. It's such an intense experience that we
Speaker 1: start as as a people do they start looking towards
Speaker 1: other people around them as the norm for their own.
Speaker 4: Behavior and emotions. See.
Speaker 1: In other words, we have to remain leaders. The leaders
Speaker 1: don't look to the people around them to figure out
Speaker 1: what to do. They don't look to the polls to
Speaker 1: figure out what their policy should be. They look to
Speaker 1: their heart, into their strong convictions, and they follow those
Speaker 1: and the kids need that, and the and the kids
Speaker 1: who with the parents who have that attitude are much
Speaker 1: more likely to get through sports, engage in sports, or
Speaker 1: any other activity with their heads and their hearts still intact.
Speaker 2: You know, my biggest challenge, and I'm not gonna lie,
Speaker 2: has been okay A, I've had that even after after
Speaker 2: I listened to the book. I did an audiobook, but
Speaker 2: even after after listening to it, I uh. I went
Speaker 2: to my daughter many times, I said, listen, I love you.
Speaker 2: I want to be dad first. You know I'm invested
Speaker 2: in tennis. I've been part of your coaching group. I
Speaker 2: help you because I'm the one that goes to the tournaments.
Speaker 2: I don't care, and I've said this in the right ways.
Speaker 2: I don't care if you win or you lose. I
Speaker 2: really don't. I care about how you perform in those
Speaker 2: moments you're at court with focus, If you want to
Speaker 2: be here, and you're having all of us in the
Speaker 2: family work around our schedule, our time, money, all the resources,
Speaker 2: and you have a one hour, hour and a half practice,
Speaker 2: please show up for that hour and a half practice.
Speaker 2: If you show up and you start to wake up
Speaker 2: halfway through the practice, that's when my fire starts to
Speaker 2: light and I start to get a problem, and I
Speaker 2: have to control myself and I have to go to
Speaker 2: the coaches and go like, she's slack, and you got
Speaker 2: to pick her what you gotta make her move, because
Speaker 2: if I start saying it to her and I start fighting,
Speaker 2: and it ruins the class. Even if I say it nicely,
Speaker 2: like Sebby, get your feet moving, Sebbie, you know, let's go,
Speaker 2: yeah energy.
Speaker 3: She loses her mind. You're embarrassing me. Stop talking like.
Speaker 2: She gets immediately in a defensive mode, and it's and
Speaker 2: it immediately sends the practice or even a match in
Speaker 2: a downward spiral sometimes. And so I've tried to step back,
Speaker 2: and if there's times like I don't go, my mom
Speaker 2: will end up taking her.
Speaker 3: My wife and.
Speaker 2: She yeah, my wife and I have the same kind
Speaker 2: of problem with her, but my mom might take her
Speaker 2: and she might have a better practice.
Speaker 3: Because we're not there.
Speaker 2: But now my mom has been so much because I've
Speaker 2: been filming and she's gone so many times, So now
Speaker 2: she's the one going come on Sebbi with your.
Speaker 3: Feet and now she doesn't feel safe with my mom
Speaker 3: because it's almost like you can't control it.
Speaker 2: You're like, just give me an hour of focus, but
Speaker 2: then you have to remind himself she's twelve.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah. And so one of the.
Speaker 1: Best pieces of advice I ever got was from a
Speaker 1: coach that I really respected, one of my son's coaches,
Speaker 1: and he said, he said to me, and we had
Speaker 1: a really good relationship. He was just a great guy,
Speaker 1: just down to earth, you know. And he's like, hey, hey, Charles,
Speaker 1: how's it going today?
Speaker 4: A pretty good?
Speaker 1: You know, Yeah, you look a little tight, you know.
Speaker 1: It's like, well, I don't know, I just you know, whatever,
Speaker 1: And what's going on? Man? He says, hey, do you
Speaker 1: think I can handle this? And I said, well, yeah,
Speaker 1: you're one of the best coaches I've ever known, and
Speaker 1: you love the kids. You do a great job, You're
Speaker 1: a man, a character. I just respect you so much.
Speaker 1: You don't even yell at the umpires when they make
Speaker 1: bad calls, and you're the best. He says, so, well,
Speaker 1: you let.
Speaker 4: Me do my job.
Speaker 1: So I'm like, what do you mean?
Speaker 5: Is this just I understand because I got boys too,
Speaker 5: you know, I got kids in sports. I said, just
Speaker 5: trust me on this and let me be the coach, right,
Speaker 5: And he said, you know, one of the things I
Speaker 5: had to learn.
Speaker 3: You know, he's humble.
Speaker 1: He says, one of the things I had to learn,
Speaker 1: Charles was that I just had to had to let
Speaker 1: the coaches be the coaches. And even if I I
Speaker 1: and he knew a lot about baseball, he said, I
Speaker 1: know a ton about pitching, but I still have to
Speaker 1: let somebody else be that coach. Such an important thing
Speaker 1: because then that allows me to have, as a parent,
Speaker 1: have that healthy relationship with my kid, rather than than
Speaker 1: going into a lane that I really don't need to
Speaker 1: be in.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you're trying to be more. Just be dad and
Speaker 3: help you.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be dad.
Speaker 4: Now.
Speaker 1: There are a lot of times I knew exactly what
Speaker 1: you need to do, but I get my mouth shuit.
Speaker 1: But you said something else, Eric that I love. I'd
Speaker 1: absolutely love. We have to expect character. That is a
Speaker 1: non negotiable. And as a parent, Okay, I'm I'm not
Speaker 1: going to rely on.
Speaker 4: The coach for the character component.
Speaker 1: Okay, for the sport component, the coaching, the sport component, Yeah,
Speaker 1: but the character component. And there have been times where
Speaker 1: we said, you know, not working for us, We're not
Speaker 1: seeing the level of effort and and and basically respect
Speaker 1: that that we expect. So we're going to take a break. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, well I got to get to practice. And
Speaker 1: if I'm not at practice, yeah, I understand, And uh,
Speaker 1: we're going to take a break. And when I see
Speaker 1: that you're prepared to go in with your head in
Speaker 1: the right place, I'm happy to start taking you again.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: That's been a mot something that we've tried to model
Speaker 2: and and and move through at times, because you know,
Speaker 2: character is a big deal. You look your coach in
Speaker 2: the eye if they're giving you instruction, be respectful, you know,
Speaker 2: and embrace and take in everything that they're saying, because
Speaker 2: if you don't.
Speaker 3: You're wasting every You're wasting just time.
Speaker 2: It's just you're not gaining any ground and you're just
Speaker 2: yeah but I went to practice. Yeah, but you didn't
Speaker 2: really show up for practice. You were physically on the court,
Speaker 2: but mentally you were somewhere else, right, So it's just
Speaker 2: I'd rather you do something else.
Speaker 3: Period.
Speaker 2: Well, we'll find something that makes you happy all the time.
Speaker 2: But I'm not gonna let you sit at home and
Speaker 2: be an electronics I can tell you that, but we'll
Speaker 2: find something to let you be, you know, be happy
Speaker 2: doing whatever, put a smile on your face. Otherwise have
Speaker 2: the respect and the character. One more thing I want
Speaker 2: to ask you before I let you go is what
Speaker 2: are your thoughts? Because this is what sports is tough,
Speaker 2: and especially with tennis, and we've gone back and forth
Speaker 2: on this is what are your feelings on homeschooling versus
Speaker 2: you know, traditional school in the sense.
Speaker 3: Of if it if it's sports or something else.
Speaker 2: I mean, are you a advocate of homeschooling if needed
Speaker 2: or would you prefer not?
Speaker 3: Or what are your thoughts?
Speaker 1: All right, well, homeschooling can be absolutely fantastic, okay, as
Speaker 1: long as it's done well. And so you asked the
Speaker 1: wrong person, you know, because I'm biased. You know, our
Speaker 1: two older kids went to school, our younger one homeschooled
Speaker 1: from day one.
Speaker 4: Okay?
Speaker 1: Is that the color school of Minds got into college,
Speaker 1: highly competitive college at age fifteen, honor student. You know
Speaker 1: that's not us, by the way. You know, God empowered
Speaker 1: us to do that. You know, I got to give
Speaker 1: him credit because I don't want to take credit for that. Okay,
Speaker 1: but all right, homeschooling, when it's done really well, is
Speaker 1: absolutely the most powerful way of schooling kids in my opinion,
Speaker 1: because they get to bond with our values, they get
Speaker 1: to bond with what our family is all about. And
Speaker 1: there's another benefit in it is in that we can
Speaker 1: get a lot of the schooling done during the day
Speaker 1: by halfway through the day, and then there's time to
Speaker 1: do other things like serve in the community. My son's
Speaker 1: learned learned how to weld, and I taught my sons
Speaker 1: how to weld. They could well by the time they
Speaker 1: were like nine. Well, they didn't need to learn how
Speaker 1: to weld. But see, the more things that kids learn
Speaker 1: how to do, the better prepared and more confident they're
Speaker 1: going to be in life. My wife taught them how
Speaker 1: to sew, so we had welders and sewers. Okay, So
Speaker 1: I mean that's the kind of stuff.
Speaker 4: That really builds a strong person.
Speaker 1: So you got me going on that. I'm a big
Speaker 1: fan of it.
Speaker 3: It makes sense what you're saying.
Speaker 2: I think it could be done right if you have
Speaker 2: the resources or the tools for someone to be able
Speaker 2: to be there and set up the homeschooling protocols and
Speaker 2: guide the child definitely have his advantages. And if you're
Speaker 2: trying to excel at a sport or something else, it
Speaker 2: definitely gives you more time to practice and do that.
Speaker 2: So it makes a lot of sense, doctor Faith. Thank
Speaker 2: you so much for being on the show. I really
Speaker 2: appreciate it. I know you have a love and logic
Speaker 2: dot com. Do you want to talk a little bit
Speaker 2: about that because I want everybody to check it out.
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, just go to our website lovel loogic dot com.
Speaker 1: And that's all I'll say, because if I made any
Speaker 1: sense during this interview, I'm not gonna be able to
Speaker 1: stop you from going there. If I stunk it up,
Speaker 1: you're not going to go So you can be there.
Speaker 1: You can be the judge of that.
Speaker 3: Well, thank you so much. I love your book. I've shared,
Speaker 3: like I said, shared it with many people. I appreciate
Speaker 3: your time and I wish you the best.
Speaker 1: Thank you, Eric, such an honor. You take care, Thank you,
Speaker 1: bye bye, good bye.
Speaker 3: Thanks for listening. Don't forget to write us a review
Speaker 3: and tell us what you think.
Speaker 6: If you want to follow us on Instagram, check us
Speaker 6: out at he said Ajo Orson is an email Eric
Speaker 6: and Ross at iHeartRadio dot com. He said, AJAB is
Speaker 6: part of iHeartRadio's Mike would Up podcast network.
Speaker 3: See you next time. Bye,