WEBVTT - Mentally Strong Parenting 0:00:00.960 --> 0:00:04.040 This is he said a ya Dho with Eric Winter 0:00:04.160 --> 0:00:05.279 and Rosalind Fantaz. 0:00:07.640 --> 0:00:10.440 All Right, everybody, welcome back to another episode of He 0:00:10.480 --> 0:00:11.280 said a yeddo. 0:00:11.760 --> 0:00:13.600 I am so excited today we have a guest. 0:00:13.720 --> 0:00:15.360 You know, I've been talking about this book for a 0:00:15.400 --> 0:00:20.520 while on parenting and it is it has been something 0:00:20.560 --> 0:00:24.239 that's eye opening, a little bit tough to process because 0:00:24.280 --> 0:00:26.240 you know, you think you're doing everything right and listen, 0:00:26.239 --> 0:00:28.280 nobody can do anything perfectly. But this book, I think 0:00:28.400 --> 0:00:31.680 really helps guide you in the right way. It's how 0:00:31.680 --> 0:00:35.199 to raise mentally strong kids. And I'm so excited that 0:00:35.240 --> 0:00:38.240 doctor Charles Faye, one of the co authors of this book, 0:00:38.400 --> 0:00:40.920 is here with us today to talk about the book, 0:00:41.360 --> 0:00:44.200 talk about how we can be better parents and work 0:00:44.200 --> 0:00:46.640 with our kids the best way possible because there is 0:00:46.680 --> 0:00:51.240 no roadmap, you know, one straightforward way for any kid. 0:00:51.680 --> 0:00:57.640 He is a parent, internationally recognized author, consultant, highly skilled 0:00:57.640 --> 0:01:00.920 public speaker, a psychologist. 0:01:00.960 --> 0:01:02.600 You know, he works with kids all the time. 0:01:02.680 --> 0:01:05.399 So this is something that I just I can't wait 0:01:05.440 --> 0:01:07.039 to dive in and pick his brain. 0:01:08.360 --> 0:01:08.679 Hello. 0:01:09.520 --> 0:01:13.360 How you doing, doctor Faye? Good in you, Eric, I'm 0:01:13.400 --> 0:01:13.960 doing great. 0:01:14.040 --> 0:01:16.720 Thank you so much for being on the podcast with me, 0:01:17.000 --> 0:01:18.240 which my wife could be here too. 0:01:18.520 --> 0:01:19.200 My pleasure. 0:01:20.040 --> 0:01:22.280 Your your book how to. 0:01:22.240 --> 0:01:24.920 Raise mentally Strong Kids has been something that I've already 0:01:25.040 --> 0:01:29.000 you know, referred to a ton of parents in my circle, 0:01:30.440 --> 0:01:32.480 and it's I've been talking about on the podcast for 0:01:32.520 --> 0:01:33.919 a while and I was so excited when our producers 0:01:33.959 --> 0:01:35.200 were able to get a hold of you and get 0:01:35.200 --> 0:01:39.440 you on the podcast. Is that you've obviously written many books, 0:01:39.480 --> 0:01:43.360 but this book to me was so eye opening in 0:01:43.520 --> 0:01:45.560 being a parent, and it was it was recommended to me, 0:01:45.560 --> 0:01:48.760 funny enough, by my daughter's mindset coach, who is she 0:01:48.760 --> 0:01:50.760 plays a lot of tennis, and that's he recommended it 0:01:50.800 --> 0:01:53.720 to me. What what what made you decide to write 0:01:53.720 --> 0:01:54.760 this particular book. 0:01:54.960 --> 0:01:58.280 Oh? Well, first of all, Daniel Aim and doctor Aiman 0:01:58.400 --> 0:02:01.680 is absolute genius and I just love him. He's such 0:02:01.720 --> 0:02:05.120 a kind man and so spot on with what he's 0:02:05.200 --> 0:02:09.760 doing with parenting and the brain relationships everything else. That 0:02:10.680 --> 0:02:13.240 m and I got together, we started seeing the connection 0:02:13.360 --> 0:02:17.040 between both of our careers and he said, hey, how 0:02:17.080 --> 0:02:20.040 about if we write a book? And I said yes 0:02:20.760 --> 0:02:25.920 immediately because it is that connection between the brain health 0:02:26.240 --> 0:02:30.120 and the practical psychology. I mean, what do we do 0:02:30.600 --> 0:02:32.280 when the rubber hits the pavement. 0:02:32.360 --> 0:02:36.440 We're trying to parent. That connection is powerful and it's 0:02:36.520 --> 0:02:37.080 unique one. 0:02:37.040 --> 0:02:39.920 Hundred percent, and there's there there's no roadmap. I just 0:02:39.919 --> 0:02:42.040 said this, even an interro. There's no roadmap to anyone, 0:02:42.120 --> 0:02:44.160 to any child, Like it's everybody. You're not giving a 0:02:44.240 --> 0:02:46.560 handbook like this will work with everybody. I have two kids, 0:02:46.600 --> 0:02:50.440 and they're so different, right, and everything's the same, right, Like, 0:02:50.480 --> 0:02:52.640 same parents, same upbringing, same everything, and they're just so 0:02:52.800 --> 0:02:58.040 polar opposite. And you're you're a parent. I mean, surely 0:02:58.080 --> 0:03:01.079 you've made plenty of mistakes as well, right, Like following 0:03:01.120 --> 0:03:01.720 the book is. 0:03:01.960 --> 0:03:03.080 I read it and I was going. 0:03:02.919 --> 0:03:05.880 Wow, I need to work on myself. But it was 0:03:06.320 --> 0:03:08.520 in the most positive way. You know. It's just giving 0:03:08.520 --> 0:03:11.120 you tools to be better. But no parent can be 0:03:11.160 --> 0:03:11.760 perfect either. 0:03:12.160 --> 0:03:14.760 Oh my goodness. You know I was thinking about this today. Well, 0:03:14.800 --> 0:03:17.880 first of all, I was thinking I often think have 0:03:18.000 --> 0:03:22.120 this feeling all the time, and it goes like this, Wow, 0:03:22.840 --> 0:03:26.440 after the way things went today in our house with 0:03:26.480 --> 0:03:29.720 my behavior, you know, I have no business talking with 0:03:29.760 --> 0:03:32.760 anybody about parenting, right, So, and then my wife will say, 0:03:32.800 --> 0:03:35.080 just get over yourself, right, you just need to move on. 0:03:35.640 --> 0:03:40.240 And she's right, really, but I got to thinking just 0:03:40.280 --> 0:03:45.040 today about the fact that we're all imperfect, right, and 0:03:46.160 --> 0:03:51.040 our kids are imperfect. So who better to show our 0:03:51.160 --> 0:03:54.880 kids how to navigate life then somebody else who's imperfect 0:03:54.920 --> 0:03:57.840 just like them, right, because they're going to make a 0:03:57.880 --> 0:04:00.400 lot of mistakes and they need to look back at 0:04:00.400 --> 0:04:02.600 their parents that think, well, if my parents as messed 0:04:02.640 --> 0:04:04.240 up as they were could do it, I guess I 0:04:04.280 --> 0:04:09.000 could do this too, right. But because I mean, honestly, 0:04:09.200 --> 0:04:11.280 who who really. 0:04:12.560 --> 0:04:14.800 Likes to follow somebody who's perfect? 0:04:15.400 --> 0:04:18.640 I mean that, you know, follow people who come across 0:04:18.680 --> 0:04:22.400 as perfect, are not really all that motivational. 0:04:21.839 --> 0:04:24.440 Might be more damage than others they just started. 0:04:25.520 --> 0:04:28.240 Well, that's true, but you know it's when we see 0:04:28.240 --> 0:04:31.120 somebody who's the underdog, you know, that's the underdog story. 0:04:31.240 --> 0:04:35.560 I mean, you know, every every great drama, every blockbuster 0:04:35.920 --> 0:04:40.360 film had that element, you know, of of the Rocky story. 0:04:40.560 --> 0:04:43.360 You know, this guy who just couldn't pronounce words very well, 0:04:44.360 --> 0:04:49.039 wasn't that attractive, dressed poorly, but he worked hard, you know, 0:04:49.120 --> 0:04:52.440 and he succeeded. And that gives us hope. And I 0:04:52.839 --> 0:04:54.640 want our kids to be able to see that enough. 0:04:54.720 --> 0:04:58.160 So parents, Uh, the good news is you're not perfect 0:04:58.200 --> 0:04:59.000 and you don't have to be. 0:04:59.360 --> 0:05:00.800 Yeah, you know in some the things you talked about 0:05:00.800 --> 0:05:04.080 in the book, even just putting yourself back into their 0:05:04.120 --> 0:05:06.680 shoes right at their point in our lives. And it's 0:05:06.760 --> 0:05:08.960 very hard for parents because as we get older, we think, okay, 0:05:08.960 --> 0:05:10.720 we've figured it all out. But yeah, it took so 0:05:11.000 --> 0:05:13.400 many years and steps for us to figure out what 0:05:13.400 --> 0:05:14.800 we know. And we didn't figure it all out, but 0:05:14.839 --> 0:05:17.640 we figured out to get us to this point. And 0:05:18.080 --> 0:05:20.640 it's hard to reflect back on the challenges you had 0:05:20.720 --> 0:05:22.839 as a child and the things that you went through 0:05:23.360 --> 0:05:25.200 and to know that what your kids going through is 0:05:25.240 --> 0:05:29.360 totally normal. It is expected for them to go through this. 0:05:29.960 --> 0:05:34.800 Yeah, And it's part of the purposeful process, it really is. 0:05:35.400 --> 0:05:39.360 And I will ask all the listeners right now, how 0:05:39.360 --> 0:05:43.600 many of you learned the most important lessons in life 0:05:43.760 --> 0:05:46.960 by making really good decisions doing the right thing or 0:05:47.880 --> 0:05:52.000 were those learning experiences mostly the result of you making 0:05:52.080 --> 0:05:57.600 important decisions and experiencing the consequences. And so a message. 0:05:57.600 --> 0:06:00.839 I want everybody here lot and clear this message out 0:06:00.880 --> 0:06:03.960 as much as I can. Your kids they need to 0:06:04.000 --> 0:06:07.120 make a lot of mistakes. I hope they're making enough 0:06:07.160 --> 0:06:11.520 affordable mistakes right now, the kind of mistakes that are 0:06:11.560 --> 0:06:13.880 not life and death. They might sting a bit for 0:06:13.920 --> 0:06:16.120 the kid and for you as well as a parent, 0:06:16.839 --> 0:06:20.600 but they're way more affordable than the mistakes they'll make 0:06:20.680 --> 0:06:23.840 later on in life if they don't have experience with 0:06:24.000 --> 0:06:27.039 making decisions and experiencing consequences. 0:06:26.600 --> 0:06:27.400 One hundred percent. 0:06:27.480 --> 0:06:29.240 And you know, some of the things, and I always 0:06:29.839 --> 0:06:32.680 talk about this, even just with friends and stuff like that, 0:06:32.720 --> 0:06:35.560 and I guess I'm a frustrated psychologist in a way. 0:06:35.760 --> 0:06:37.760 I was a psych major in school and I ended 0:06:37.800 --> 0:06:39.480 up being an actor, so it helped me in a different, 0:06:39.480 --> 0:06:43.200 totally different way. But you know, it's like we all 0:06:43.279 --> 0:06:45.359 want to just try to be I think my parents 0:06:45.360 --> 0:06:47.160 did the best they could, and I have so much 0:06:47.160 --> 0:06:49.080 respect for what my parents did, but I always feel 0:06:49.080 --> 0:06:50.480 like it's every generation's job. 0:06:50.440 --> 0:06:52.279 To try to do a little better and a little 0:06:52.279 --> 0:06:52.680 better and. 0:06:52.640 --> 0:06:54.560 Whatever you learn, because there's so much new knowledge and 0:06:54.600 --> 0:06:57.720 so much more information coming in, you know, every single year, 0:06:57.720 --> 0:06:59.720 about food, about health, about all kinds of stuff that 0:06:59.760 --> 0:07:00.960 we can be better as parents. 0:07:01.680 --> 0:07:03.240 And it's a balance. 0:07:03.360 --> 0:07:06.480 It's not easy, but you know, There is a fine 0:07:06.520 --> 0:07:09.560 line also between being like a helicopter parent, which to 0:07:09.600 --> 0:07:11.520 me is you got to let your kids, like you said, 0:07:11.600 --> 0:07:15.680 make mistakes. You can't micromanage everything, even though I know 0:07:15.800 --> 0:07:18.880 I do way more than my parents did. But do 0:07:18.920 --> 0:07:22.200 you think that's a sign of the times that have changed, 0:07:22.320 --> 0:07:24.640 or is that just the new wave of parenting of 0:07:24.680 --> 0:07:27.080 this I'm going to try to control every aspect to 0:07:27.080 --> 0:07:28.280 protect my kids from everything. 0:07:28.520 --> 0:07:31.960 Well, first of all, it's it's evolved over the years. 0:07:32.000 --> 0:07:37.440 So the helicopter parenting actually began during the nineteen fifties, 0:07:37.520 --> 0:07:40.320 when one of the first time during during the time 0:07:40.400 --> 0:07:43.520 one of the first times in American history where people 0:07:43.560 --> 0:07:47.040 actually had some leisure time, you know, and they had 0:07:47.080 --> 0:07:50.440 all these appliances, and they had rs and all this stuff, 0:07:50.480 --> 0:07:53.240 and the economy was really good, and now they had 0:07:53.320 --> 0:07:56.720 time to mess up their kids, okay, and so you know, 0:07:56.840 --> 0:07:58.440 and they thought, oh, you know, I'm not going to 0:07:58.560 --> 0:08:01.080 let my kids struggle like I did during the depression 0:08:01.280 --> 0:08:04.280 during World War two. You know, I don't want them 0:08:04.320 --> 0:08:07.840 to go through that stuff. And so they tried to 0:08:07.840 --> 0:08:10.680 make life perfect and they put kids at the center 0:08:10.960 --> 0:08:14.840 of attention all out of good intention. But the truth 0:08:14.880 --> 0:08:17.520 of it is is that none of us know how 0:08:17.560 --> 0:08:21.240 to manage life unless we have some struggle. You know 0:08:21.560 --> 0:08:24.200 that we need struggle. We need struggle for purpose. But 0:08:24.600 --> 0:08:26.920 it started in the nineteen fifties to answer your question. 0:08:27.080 --> 0:08:31.760 And then as the world feels more dangerous in some ways, 0:08:32.080 --> 0:08:35.439 people get scared. And see when people get scared, they 0:08:35.480 --> 0:08:39.319 go in the direction of trying to control the environment. 0:08:39.960 --> 0:08:43.120 When I'm fearful, how can I control everything so it 0:08:43.320 --> 0:08:48.120 lines up right in my mind, which causes things to 0:08:48.160 --> 0:08:50.040 get more out of control in our lives. 0:08:50.520 --> 0:08:51.880 Well, one hundred percent, you know it's so. 0:08:52.080 --> 0:08:53.920 I always joke with you in friends are saying, like 0:08:54.000 --> 0:08:57.200 this generation of kids, like my generation of my children, 0:08:57.520 --> 0:09:01.760 they they're softer than we were as kids, you know, 0:09:01.800 --> 0:09:03.880 Like I had to navigate waters on my own. I 0:09:03.920 --> 0:09:06.360 was staying home by myself much you know, younger. I 0:09:06.440 --> 0:09:08.600 was out till late at night when the street lights 0:09:08.600 --> 0:09:10.600 went out. My parents just said be here at this time, 0:09:10.640 --> 0:09:12.480 and I was there. There were no phones. You couldn't 0:09:12.520 --> 0:09:13.120 contact me. 0:09:13.640 --> 0:09:14.079 I knew. 0:09:14.480 --> 0:09:16.640 I figured out street smarts at a very young age 0:09:16.679 --> 0:09:21.280 where I felt very comfortable navigating dangerous situations. But I 0:09:21.320 --> 0:09:25.160 don't feel like my kids are at that place, and 0:09:25.200 --> 0:09:28.160 I even though I try to explain it and I try. 0:09:27.920 --> 0:09:30.040 To be open with you know, with them about everything. 0:09:29.720 --> 0:09:32.720 I just don't feel like those freedoms have been allowed 0:09:32.760 --> 0:09:37.160 by us. Like there's just a I'm scared you know. 0:09:37.360 --> 0:09:40.880 Yeah, I think we all are. I noticed that with myself. 0:09:41.000 --> 0:09:43.920 I have a forty year old, I have a thirty 0:09:43.960 --> 0:09:46.120 year old, and I have a seventeen year old. We 0:09:46.160 --> 0:09:50.280 had a later in life surprise blessing, okay, and things 0:09:50.240 --> 0:09:52.120 have changed just in that period of time, and I 0:09:52.120 --> 0:09:56.000 find myself thinking, wow, am I way more of a 0:09:56.040 --> 0:10:00.760 helicopter myself than I was before? Because there's just a 0:10:00.880 --> 0:10:03.720 lot more going on out there, and so it is scary. 0:10:04.240 --> 0:10:07.720 So parents, first of all, let's get real. Okay, let's 0:10:07.760 --> 0:10:12.960 really get real. Sometimes it's really important to micromanage and helicopter. 0:10:13.120 --> 0:10:15.720 I mean, kid is about ready to do something really 0:10:15.840 --> 0:10:19.319 damaging to themselves or others. That's when we throw out 0:10:19.320 --> 0:10:21.400 the parenting books and we say no, and we do 0:10:21.480 --> 0:10:25.600 everything we can to either be a helicopter and rescue 0:10:25.600 --> 0:10:27.800 them or be a drill sergeant to say just flat 0:10:27.840 --> 0:10:30.880 out no, not gonna happen, right, and we can pull 0:10:30.920 --> 0:10:35.199 that off. Parents, you can pull that off if it's 0:10:35.880 --> 0:10:37.800 not the only tool in your toolbox. 0:10:38.040 --> 0:10:40.160 I think that's the important thing, right, is having different tools, 0:10:40.200 --> 0:10:41.920 because sometimes you will have to be like in your book, 0:10:41.960 --> 0:10:44.040 as you describe a drill sergeant, sometimes you will have 0:10:44.080 --> 0:10:45.840 to step up and be that. It's obviously not what 0:10:46.000 --> 0:10:48.520 you want to be all the time because it's going 0:10:48.600 --> 0:10:52.319 to have its own consequence on the child. But you're 0:10:52.360 --> 0:10:54.800 gonna end up having different aspects of each of those 0:10:54.840 --> 0:10:55.880 parenting characteristics. 0:10:55.880 --> 0:10:59.560 I think, right, and parents, here's something that will help 0:11:00.040 --> 0:11:01.720 help me. I think it's helped a awful lot of 0:11:01.760 --> 0:11:06.360 people is to constantly ask yourself every day, am I 0:11:06.920 --> 0:11:12.239 allowing this kid to do enough thinking? Am I allowing 0:11:12.400 --> 0:11:18.760 this kid enough freedom to make some small mistakes? Am 0:11:18.800 --> 0:11:26.760 I teaching this kid basic life skills? For example, you know, 0:11:26.800 --> 0:11:30.360 we would go shopping, and my wife is so so 0:11:30.440 --> 0:11:33.440 much smarter at this than I am. She would have 0:11:34.280 --> 0:11:36.760 our sons make a list of all the things we needed. 0:11:36.800 --> 0:11:40.199 She'd give them some feedback, but they were responsible at 0:11:40.200 --> 0:11:43.280 a very early early age for trying to figure out 0:11:43.320 --> 0:11:46.439 what was needed at the store. Of course, we would, 0:11:46.480 --> 0:11:49.720 you know, throw in some ideas. We're guiding all along 0:11:49.800 --> 0:11:52.560 the way, but we're getting them thinking about it. And 0:11:52.600 --> 0:11:54.560 then when we're in the store, they're the ones who 0:11:54.559 --> 0:11:57.000 have to find the stuff, and if we know where 0:11:57.000 --> 0:11:59.840 it is, we don't give them that information right away. 0:12:00.000 --> 0:12:02.600 We allow them to struggle. Are your kids struggling? Are 0:12:02.600 --> 0:12:05.000 they thinking through life? 0:12:05.040 --> 0:12:05.280 You know? 0:12:05.559 --> 0:12:08.360 Then we get to the checkout line and they're the 0:12:08.400 --> 0:12:11.600 ones who are paying. They're the ones who are interacting 0:12:11.800 --> 0:12:13.160 with the clerk. 0:12:13.240 --> 0:12:14.359 I can remember. 0:12:14.360 --> 0:12:16.600 Kids, they were like four or five years old, and 0:12:16.640 --> 0:12:20.600 they're the woman. The clerk's looking at us and no, 0:12:20.679 --> 0:12:22.880 he's going to handle this, you know, just looking at 0:12:23.080 --> 0:12:26.560 and he's been coached a lot. Okay, he can and 0:12:26.600 --> 0:12:29.000 we jump in and correct and if we needed to. 0:12:30.160 --> 0:12:34.720 But the more you can do that stuff, the greater 0:12:34.840 --> 0:12:37.920 your kid's mental health is going to be. Now, where's 0:12:37.960 --> 0:12:41.040 the connection there? I just made a leap, right, Yeah, 0:12:41.040 --> 0:12:47.000 a bit of a leap mental health from all of that. Parents, listeners, 0:12:47.280 --> 0:12:51.560 When when we can solve problems, when we have the 0:12:51.679 --> 0:12:58.080 confidence of knowing that we can navigate this difficult world 0:12:57.679 --> 0:13:01.480 and think and solve problem, does that give us hope? 0:13:03.280 --> 0:13:03.480 Yeah? 0:13:03.880 --> 0:13:07.080 I can do this, and see, the more hope we 0:13:07.240 --> 0:13:12.160 have the more immune we're going to be, resistant, we're 0:13:12.200 --> 0:13:15.600 going to be to developing anxiety, depression, and a whole 0:13:15.640 --> 0:13:18.600 host of other problems. It's that hope, it's that sense 0:13:18.640 --> 0:13:22.400 of control, that sense of empowerment. And that is precisely 0:13:22.480 --> 0:13:28.800 why friends, that the kids who've been helicoptered chronically are 0:13:28.840 --> 0:13:31.800 the ones who have are more likely to have the 0:13:31.800 --> 0:13:33.840 more serious mental health struggles. 0:13:34.320 --> 0:13:36.400 I mean, it doesn't make sense that if a child 0:13:36.400 --> 0:13:41.760 starts feeling a constant fear of stepping into a position, 0:13:42.040 --> 0:13:44.400 that the anxiety level of that child could increase over 0:13:44.400 --> 0:13:46.000 the years and get worse and worse and worse, and 0:13:46.040 --> 0:13:49.000 next thing you know, you have a team that's dealing 0:13:49.000 --> 0:13:51.000 with heavy anxiety because they never got to a place 0:13:51.000 --> 0:13:53.360 at as a child where they felt that hope or comfort, 0:13:53.440 --> 0:14:05.600 or responsibility or confidence. Really, yeah, I was gonna jump 0:14:05.640 --> 0:14:09.360 to another chapter because I loved your chapter on health 0:14:09.400 --> 0:14:13.200 and eating and that's something to me, like pairing the 0:14:13.240 --> 0:14:15.000 brain and the gut and how all of that can 0:14:15.080 --> 0:14:17.640 come into play in how you take care of your body. 0:14:17.679 --> 0:14:18.880 Because your brain, you have to take care of it, 0:14:18.880 --> 0:14:20.440 but you have to take care of your body as well. 0:14:21.720 --> 0:14:26.160 And to me, you tackled so many things that we 0:14:26.240 --> 0:14:29.440 follow in our house with just healthy diets. Things that 0:14:29.480 --> 0:14:31.840 are bad for your kids outright, they should not be eating. 0:14:31.880 --> 0:14:33.720 It's toxic for the brain, it's not good for their 0:14:34.480 --> 0:14:37.640 growth anything. And we get looked at. I'll tell you what, 0:14:37.680 --> 0:14:40.400 maybe we're a bit too helicoptery in this category, but 0:14:40.520 --> 0:14:44.280 we are very, very of the mind of we're gonna 0:14:44.320 --> 0:14:47.080 teach you kids what's right, what's wrong, what's good with food, 0:14:47.120 --> 0:14:49.920 what's bad with food. Why this high fructose corn syrup 0:14:50.000 --> 0:14:52.360 is not good for you. Why dies are not good 0:14:52.360 --> 0:14:54.560 for you, even though all your favorite candies and all 0:14:54.560 --> 0:14:57.840 these juices and everything have it, sodaes and everything else. 0:14:58.320 --> 0:15:00.480 Why this is bad even though your friends might do 0:15:00.560 --> 0:15:03.400 it heavily processed foods, you're not going. 0:15:03.360 --> 0:15:05.920 To do it, at least not at home. And then 0:15:06.560 --> 0:15:07.680 you know, you go to a birthday party. 0:15:07.680 --> 0:15:08.960 You give them a little freedom, and they're gonna have 0:15:09.000 --> 0:15:10.040 some of this, and they have some of that, but 0:15:10.080 --> 0:15:12.080 you try to manage it as much as you can. 0:15:12.520 --> 0:15:14.160 To me, your chapter was spot on. It made my 0:15:14.240 --> 0:15:16.800 kids listen to it. I rewound it. I said, listen, 0:15:16.840 --> 0:15:19.640 we're not crazy. Look what the doctor's saying. Look what they're. 0:15:19.520 --> 0:15:22.000 Saying in this book. This is spot on what we 0:15:22.120 --> 0:15:26.000 tell you every day. And it's a battle. It's tough 0:15:26.080 --> 0:15:28.640 because we get looked at by other parents like we're crazy. 0:15:29.480 --> 0:15:31.600 But I look at those parents and I don't judge anybody. 0:15:31.640 --> 0:15:34.640 I let them raise their kids however they want. But 0:15:34.720 --> 0:15:36.720 if I'm looking at a kid having three and four 0:15:36.840 --> 0:15:42.120 sodas back to back, I'm like, maybe do a little research. 0:15:43.200 --> 0:15:47.360 Yeah, that's a problem. You hit on something really powerful, 0:15:47.560 --> 0:15:52.080 and that is that great parents teach their kids right 0:15:52.080 --> 0:15:55.320 from wrong. They teach their kids what is good what 0:15:55.480 --> 0:15:59.960 is not good. They instill deep values, they instill solve 0:16:00.320 --> 0:16:07.520 information about a nutritional health exercise, a wide variety of 0:16:07.560 --> 0:16:12.040 different issues. But but affect parents aren't really involved and 0:16:12.080 --> 0:16:15.520 they are not afraid to share their values with their kids. 0:16:16.120 --> 0:16:18.000 We've we've gotten scared off from that. 0:16:18.400 --> 0:16:19.160 Over the years. 0:16:19.240 --> 0:16:23.680 There's this there's been this trend of oh, and there's 0:16:23.680 --> 0:16:25.800 a number of books written about I won't mention any 0:16:25.840 --> 0:16:27.880 of the names of these books, but they're all basically 0:16:28.000 --> 0:16:32.040 excuses not to not to actually teach our kids' values 0:16:32.160 --> 0:16:35.200 and information about things. It's like, just let them figure 0:16:35.240 --> 0:16:40.920 it out, you know. I often think that I fly 0:16:41.200 --> 0:16:46.640 a lot, you know, and I'm so glad that the 0:16:46.800 --> 0:16:51.840 pilots are kind of anal retentive. I really like that 0:16:51.360 --> 0:16:54.360 that they are pretty controlling people when it comes to 0:16:54.400 --> 0:16:56.800 their jobs. It's the same feeling I have when I 0:16:56.840 --> 0:16:58.960 go in I had surgery a few years back. I 0:16:59.000 --> 0:17:02.800 was really glad that my doctor is kind of uptight 0:17:02.920 --> 0:17:06.439 about procedures and all that sort of think because I 0:17:06.480 --> 0:17:10.160 felt safe. And see, when our kids do not have 0:17:10.960 --> 0:17:15.760 the leadership required to know how to navigate life in 0:17:15.840 --> 0:17:19.200 terms of their their physical health, their mental health, their 0:17:19.240 --> 0:17:23.439 sexual health, right their spiritual health, you go down the line. 0:17:23.760 --> 0:17:25.760 If they don't have that, they're going to get lost, 0:17:25.760 --> 0:17:28.040 they're going to get anxious, and they're going to make 0:17:28.080 --> 0:17:31.760 a lot of mistakes that aren't affordable. So I'm right 0:17:31.840 --> 0:17:34.480 on board with you. But the question is, Okay, we 0:17:34.560 --> 0:17:39.200 just talked about two seemingly incompatible constructs here, and we're 0:17:39.200 --> 0:17:42.040 promoting both. So let's let's explore that for a moment. 0:17:42.280 --> 0:17:44.679 We're talking about let's let kids make mistakes, let's not 0:17:44.720 --> 0:17:47.640 be helicopters or drill sergeants, while at the same time, 0:17:48.080 --> 0:17:51.000 let's be fairly you know, honestly, really good parents are 0:17:51.200 --> 0:17:54.040 kind on the strict side. They're more on the firm 0:17:54.119 --> 0:17:59.240 side about things. So how do we reconcile those two things. Well, well, 0:17:59.240 --> 0:18:03.040 first of all, I'm going to I'm going to walk 0:18:03.119 --> 0:18:03.560 the talk. 0:18:04.000 --> 0:18:07.240 Yeah, okay, you got to be the example, right. 0:18:07.240 --> 0:18:12.560 Yeah, it's my walk is way more important than my talk. 0:18:13.320 --> 0:18:16.440 Let's remember that. So so people tend to respect people 0:18:16.520 --> 0:18:19.680 who are willing to walk their talk. 0:18:19.840 --> 0:18:20.000 Right. 0:18:20.480 --> 0:18:23.320 The second thing has to do with relationship. See, when 0:18:23.359 --> 0:18:25.359 I have a solid relationship and spend a lot of 0:18:25.359 --> 0:18:27.679 time with my kids, I have a lot of joy 0:18:27.720 --> 0:18:30.720 with them. I focus mostly on what they do well 0:18:30.800 --> 0:18:34.320 rather than what they do poorly. The odds are way 0:18:34.440 --> 0:18:36.760 higher that they're going to look at me and think, 0:18:36.880 --> 0:18:39.520 you know, I want to be like that guy. I 0:18:39.560 --> 0:18:41.600 want to be like my mom, I want to be 0:18:41.680 --> 0:18:44.000 like that woman. You know, I want to adopt their 0:18:44.480 --> 0:18:48.840 value system. So the relationship is so so important. And 0:18:48.880 --> 0:18:53.480 then of course we pick those things that were absolutely 0:18:53.600 --> 0:18:56.719 unwilling to budge on. We teach them, we expect them, 0:18:56.920 --> 0:19:01.480 we model them. Uh, and then we let go of 0:19:01.520 --> 0:19:01.960 the rest. 0:19:02.520 --> 0:19:03.840 At some point, you're going to have to let go. 0:19:03.920 --> 0:19:05.679 You got to let them you got to give them 0:19:05.680 --> 0:19:07.800 all the tools and let them be young, you know, 0:19:07.880 --> 0:19:10.880 little people and young young adults, and let them navigate 0:19:11.000 --> 0:19:11.479 the waters. 0:19:11.560 --> 0:19:14.600 Right, right, Yeah, we have those core non negotiables, but 0:19:14.680 --> 0:19:19.399 then we have a whole broad area of real estate where, kid, 0:19:19.960 --> 0:19:22.919 you get to make some big mistakes as long as 0:19:22.920 --> 0:19:24.720 they're not so big that they're going to hurt you 0:19:24.800 --> 0:19:25.479 or other people. 0:19:25.920 --> 0:19:28.200 Well, I think it's so hard because I'm a firm 0:19:28.200 --> 0:19:32.280 believer in the brain gut relationship, right, And I wasn't 0:19:32.280 --> 0:19:34.119 always that way. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not going 0:19:34.160 --> 0:19:36.080 to say I was perfect. I was terrible as a kid. 0:19:36.119 --> 0:19:38.800 I ate horrible foods, you know, And that was a 0:19:38.840 --> 0:19:41.199 different generation, right, Like, it's just I don't think our 0:19:41.240 --> 0:19:45.400 parents knew any different. And what we're seeing now, especially 0:19:45.440 --> 0:19:47.280 just in the standard American diet and what we see 0:19:47.320 --> 0:19:49.879 across just the way our foods are processed in the 0:19:49.920 --> 0:19:52.560 States is so different than if you're to be in 0:19:52.600 --> 0:19:55.240 Europe where you were to see how their FDA approaches 0:19:55.280 --> 0:19:58.560 things and what's allowed in foods and not allowed, and 0:19:58.640 --> 0:20:00.600 it's so much easier. And I would use this example. 0:20:00.640 --> 0:20:02.840 You could be a lactose intolerant. You could have an 0:20:02.880 --> 0:20:04.480 issue with gluten, and you go to Europe and you 0:20:04.480 --> 0:20:05.840 could have all the cheese you want, and you could 0:20:05.840 --> 0:20:06.960 eat bread and you feel. 0:20:06.760 --> 0:20:07.960 Fine and you lose weight. 0:20:09.000 --> 0:20:13.119 Right, But here everything is so overly processed, so loaded 0:20:13.119 --> 0:20:16.520 with other additives and preservatives and colors and dyes and 0:20:16.600 --> 0:20:19.400 you know, just so much stuff. It drives me crazy 0:20:19.840 --> 0:20:22.040 that we have not we have non negotiables, you know, 0:20:22.080 --> 0:20:24.120 in our house. And I know a lot of parents 0:20:24.160 --> 0:20:25.880 that are that are friends of ours look at us 0:20:25.920 --> 0:20:27.760