1 00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:07,200 Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. They're not going to 2 00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:19,040 Speaker 1: stefan never told you production VI High Radio, and we're 3 00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:22,960 Speaker 1: in our holiday whirlwind, wrap up, New Year, the whole thing. 4 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:28,479 Speaker 1: Everything's happening. We just did an episode, one episode of 5 00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:32,640 Speaker 1: Happy Our Little Celebration, and in it we talked about 6 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:36,760 Speaker 1: our the previous year's holiday party and how it went 7 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:40,680 Speaker 1: kind of a rye for us, and uh, you know, 8 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:42,720 Speaker 1: I thought we would just bring that back and we 9 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:46,360 Speaker 1: can compare. We can compare what happened to that year 10 00:00:46,479 --> 00:00:49,440 Speaker 1: versus what happened this year, as we discussed in that 11 00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:54,880 Speaker 1: Happy Hour celebration. Um. So we hope you're having happy holiday, 12 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:56,600 Speaker 1: is good New Year's whatever it did you celebrate or 13 00:00:56,600 --> 00:01:00,680 Speaker 1: don't celebrate, I hope you're well. Um, but please enjoy 14 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:09,360 Speaker 1: this classic episode. Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I'm 15 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:11,639 Speaker 1: welcome to stuff I never told your production by Heart Radio. 16 00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:23,040 Speaker 1: You know, occasionally, Samantha, I feel like a robot, and 17 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:26,720 Speaker 1: sometimes I feel like I sound very robotic during that intro, 18 00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:29,760 Speaker 1: but I did just have to do it twice, and 19 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:32,000 Speaker 1: it kind of tripped me up a bit because I 20 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,640 Speaker 1: was like, I'm stuck in the same moment over and 21 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:37,479 Speaker 1: over again. To be fair, that was my fault because 22 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:41,200 Speaker 1: I was unprofessionally drinking on the mic and I was like, 23 00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:44,039 Speaker 1: this is not people already complain, Why am I doing this? 24 00:01:44,319 --> 00:01:46,680 Speaker 1: Let's do that again. So my bad on that one. 25 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:50,320 Speaker 1: It's all good because it's time for another happy hour 26 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:54,080 Speaker 1: and as I always, drink responsibly if you choose to 27 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:56,920 Speaker 1: do so. We are kind of doing a huge, very 28 00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:59,000 Speaker 1: long recording session today, so it's a bit of a 29 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:02,120 Speaker 1: cheat still being on very long. Yes, well this is 30 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:06,080 Speaker 1: the last thing for today. Yes. Uh, so we're still 31 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:09,080 Speaker 1: sitting on what we had for the happy hour you 32 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:13,400 Speaker 1: that came out too happy hours ago while ago. Thanks 33 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:17,359 Speaker 1: the thankful one. So I'm still sipping on my gin 34 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:20,720 Speaker 1: and tonic and do you on your wine? Still still 35 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:24,320 Speaker 1: open on the vino verde that I still love. Yes, 36 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:30,040 Speaker 1: so we are now in again. I don't know when 37 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:33,480 Speaker 1: you're listening to this, but I'm assuming it's two. And 38 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:37,280 Speaker 1: as part of this episode, it actually kind of relates 39 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:40,840 Speaker 1: to I Believe a Monday mane that's coming out soon 40 00:02:40,919 --> 00:02:44,400 Speaker 1: about kind of feeling doubt and insecure in your job 41 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,680 Speaker 1: and in your performance, which we're going to be discussing 42 00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:50,520 Speaker 1: this's the whole thing. I have been thinking about, this 43 00:02:50,639 --> 00:02:53,400 Speaker 1: idea of being too much and feeling like I'm too 44 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:58,720 Speaker 1: much a lot lately. And this whole thing is precipitated 45 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:01,000 Speaker 1: by a holiday party that Samantha and I went to. 46 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:05,919 Speaker 1: But before I get into that, it also, of course, 47 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:11,840 Speaker 1: I have a fan fiction story about this, because I 48 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:15,240 Speaker 1: I found a fan fiction and there are a lot 49 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,720 Speaker 1: of fan fiction about a sexual people and a sexual 50 00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:21,400 Speaker 1: people being in relationships with non asexual people. Most of 51 00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:23,480 Speaker 1: the ones I have read are told from the point 52 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:26,359 Speaker 1: of view of the a sexual person, which makes sense, 53 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:30,360 Speaker 1: but I just read one from the other side of 54 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,600 Speaker 1: this point of view, and it was really moving and 55 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:36,119 Speaker 1: it was really well written, and I was like, oh, 56 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,800 Speaker 1: because I've just never had this conversation with somebody in 57 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:43,600 Speaker 1: a relationship before, and the person who wasn't a sexual 58 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:46,680 Speaker 1: kind of had this breakdown and kept saying like, I 59 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:49,920 Speaker 1: feel like I'm too much, like I'm too much, I 60 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:53,160 Speaker 1: asked for too much, I need too much, and they 61 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:59,880 Speaker 1: were tears. Ship they were tears. But I just got 62 00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:03,040 Speaker 1: to thinking about that because I know I've discussed before, 63 00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:04,760 Speaker 1: and we've discussed before a lot of times. I do 64 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:08,080 Speaker 1: feel like I'm too much, or I asked for too much, 65 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:11,880 Speaker 1: or like I have to hide pieces of myself that 66 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:15,920 Speaker 1: because if you knew that, if you knew that about me, 67 00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:19,520 Speaker 1: or if I asked for something, then you're not worth 68 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:22,840 Speaker 1: to ask. Like the people will leave, You'll scare them 69 00:04:22,839 --> 00:04:24,520 Speaker 1: away to be because she is not worth how much 70 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,480 Speaker 1: effort she is asking of me, which is often ridiculous 71 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:30,080 Speaker 1: because a lot of times it's really small things, Like 72 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:33,839 Speaker 1: it's hard for me because I am a very passionate person. 73 00:04:34,279 --> 00:04:35,560 Speaker 1: But in the back of my head, I'm like, why 74 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,320 Speaker 1: do people put up with me? Like why did I 75 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:40,640 Speaker 1: why don't they let me talk about all this stuff? 76 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:44,080 Speaker 1: And I try to hide it. It's so funny. My 77 00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:48,559 Speaker 1: mom has started watching Star Wars on Sundays. It's cute. 78 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:52,479 Speaker 1: It is really cute, but it took me forever to 79 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:54,200 Speaker 1: even tell her. And I love my mom and we're 80 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:55,599 Speaker 1: really open with each other, but it took me forever 81 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:57,280 Speaker 1: to even tell her. I did that because I thought 82 00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:58,719 Speaker 1: it would be too much, and then she was going 83 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:00,440 Speaker 1: to feel like she had to do it if I 84 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,000 Speaker 1: was home on Sundays, and then I was going to 85 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:04,640 Speaker 1: be embarrassed and thinking she hates allow this and she 86 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:06,599 Speaker 1: wants to she wants it to be over, and just 87 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,880 Speaker 1: getting really in my head about things like that. Um, 88 00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:11,880 Speaker 1: and then you know, you scale that up in a 89 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:14,560 Speaker 1: relationship and you're thinking you have to minimize yourself, you 90 00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:18,479 Speaker 1: have to be small or else this person is going 91 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:20,560 Speaker 1: to leave. And I think a lot of women relate 92 00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:25,000 Speaker 1: to that. But yes, recently we had this party. Is 93 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,480 Speaker 1: the first time Samantha and I have been in an event. 94 00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:30,479 Speaker 1: It was outdoors and it wasn't that many people, but 95 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:32,760 Speaker 1: it was more people than I'm definitely interacted with in 96 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:36,680 Speaker 1: a while. And I think because my a lot of 97 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:40,960 Speaker 1: my persona has been built on like she's always doing something, 98 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:44,000 Speaker 1: She's always busy. You know, people give you that question 99 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:45,760 Speaker 1: like what are you doing? What how are you and 100 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:51,839 Speaker 1: it's just silence because you're like, uh, staying in Star 101 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:56,039 Speaker 1: Wars or whatever. But that's the thing, is like you're 102 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:59,359 Speaker 1: doing something. You found such a passion for this, and 103 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:02,080 Speaker 1: you always had it, but you've been able to dig 104 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:06,760 Speaker 1: into it legitimately, like all the way into it. That's 105 00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,680 Speaker 1: where I'm like, I watched Annie watch Star Wars, but 106 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:15,920 Speaker 1: that is my response because we just had a moment 107 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:19,520 Speaker 1: and it's hilarious because both of us apparently are on 108 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:23,880 Speaker 1: the same truck emotionally, and yes, we were definitely triggered 109 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:28,360 Speaker 1: by this party, which is hilarious because from my standpoint, 110 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:30,400 Speaker 1: and I've already kind of said this, you were on 111 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,479 Speaker 1: point and everybody was loving you as where I was 112 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:36,680 Speaker 1: disappearing and people were running away from me. So it 113 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:40,080 Speaker 1: was gonna like we just had a weird opposite interaction. 114 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,200 Speaker 1: And of course it could be in my head because 115 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:44,680 Speaker 1: I'm always in my head, and in my head, I'm 116 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:47,800 Speaker 1: the worst person ever, you know, coming back to being 117 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:51,560 Speaker 1: too much, and that is absolutely like I'm in the way. 118 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:57,080 Speaker 1: That has been a haunt tagline for me since pretty 119 00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:02,680 Speaker 1: much like young young toddler hood self. So I have 120 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:05,080 Speaker 1: a whole thing with this with you, as like you 121 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:07,320 Speaker 1: and I have talked about this many times because I'm like, 122 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:12,360 Speaker 1: I'm non existent and people don't even realize I'm here 123 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:18,680 Speaker 1: when I show up. It's more of an awkward hey, hey, 124 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:23,000 Speaker 1: what you do? And oh okay, bah, And I'm the 125 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,040 Speaker 1: one who's asking how are you? And I'm like, oh 126 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:27,600 Speaker 1: my god, I shouldn't be asking you that, because this 127 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:31,440 Speaker 1: is a really horrible time frame for a lot of people, 128 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:35,600 Speaker 1: and that's not a question that you want to ask someone. 129 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:39,800 Speaker 1: But on top of that, myself in general, I'm a 130 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,920 Speaker 1: very intense person like that. There's no good getting around it. 131 00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:45,520 Speaker 1: I really wish I wasn't sometimes because when I'm asking 132 00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:48,320 Speaker 1: you how you are, I'm legitimately asking you, and then 133 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:50,560 Speaker 1: when you start talking to me, I'm going to ask 134 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:53,480 Speaker 1: more questions. And I've been told many of times Smith 135 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:58,920 Speaker 1: that's not really appropriate. They just, you know, people want 136 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:02,720 Speaker 1: to just be in make the like superficial questions and 137 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:05,480 Speaker 1: move on in life. And I realized, okay, that's too much. 138 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,160 Speaker 1: My intensity is too much, okay, And I've really had 139 00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:09,880 Speaker 1: to try to scale back to the point that I've 140 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:11,360 Speaker 1: had to say it out loud to people like I'm 141 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:16,440 Speaker 1: so sorry. If this is getting too deep, I promise 142 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:22,000 Speaker 1: I'll stop. It's just I'm incapable of not following through 143 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:27,520 Speaker 1: or having follow up if I hear something. And that's 144 00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:30,000 Speaker 1: all to do with my own past, my own traumas, 145 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:33,440 Speaker 1: my own training, my own empathy, Like that's just that's 146 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:36,200 Speaker 1: just hack. I can't and if I see a signal, 147 00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:53,880 Speaker 1: it's hard for me not to see it. So yeah, yeah, 148 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:59,480 Speaker 1: there's so much in in in all of this because 149 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:02,120 Speaker 1: if you long time listeners might remember, back when I 150 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:05,640 Speaker 1: did my we did our therapy sessions and we did 151 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:09,760 Speaker 1: episodes where we shared those with you, and I was 152 00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:12,240 Speaker 1: talking about how I always feel like it's this performance 153 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:13,959 Speaker 1: and it's so fake, and that people are going to 154 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,560 Speaker 1: see that it's fake, and that if they get any 155 00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:19,200 Speaker 1: hint of, like any glimpse of the real me or 156 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:21,520 Speaker 1: whatever is really going on, and they're not gonna want 157 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,840 Speaker 1: to deal with me anymore. I had a friend tell me, 158 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:26,320 Speaker 1: you create problems by not try and create problems because 159 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:29,920 Speaker 1: I'm trying so hard to not annoying people because I 160 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,520 Speaker 1: think I'm annoying presence. I won't text you or I 161 00:09:32,559 --> 00:09:35,800 Speaker 1: won't because I think you'll be annoyed um with my 162 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:39,679 Speaker 1: silly thoughts on whatever it is. And sometimes it's not 163 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,240 Speaker 1: even necessarily thought of, something small, and I still won't 164 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:43,960 Speaker 1: do it. And I was even like that with my 165 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:45,559 Speaker 1: parents or I was like there one day, they're just 166 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:50,040 Speaker 1: gonna be like nope. But anyway, sometimes what happens, I 167 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:53,080 Speaker 1: feel like for me is I'll go to these parties 168 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:55,760 Speaker 1: and I'm having fun and there's alcohol involved, and my 169 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,840 Speaker 1: inhibitions will go down, and I'm being more open than 170 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:00,679 Speaker 1: I would normally be. And that's not not even about 171 00:10:00,679 --> 00:10:04,160 Speaker 1: like private stuff, but like I was trying to convince 172 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:07,959 Speaker 1: this guy about why the Last of Us two is 173 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:10,560 Speaker 1: the best of us, the best game ever. Um so 174 00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:13,680 Speaker 1: things like that that are not like that me and 175 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:20,959 Speaker 1: Tyler and later, like they're fun conversations and I like them. 176 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,240 Speaker 1: There's something I probably wouldn't do unless I really know 177 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:25,600 Speaker 1: you very well. And so at the end of the night, 178 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:28,640 Speaker 1: I've had all these conversations to people and it had 179 00:10:28,679 --> 00:10:32,240 Speaker 1: been fun, and I've been really like outgoing and loud 180 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:34,600 Speaker 1: and probably more than I normally am because normally I'm 181 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:37,240 Speaker 1: pretty like preserved with people I don't know very well. 182 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:40,840 Speaker 1: And I got home and I just like totally broke 183 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:44,800 Speaker 1: down and just solved for ten minutes, like real sobs. 184 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:46,880 Speaker 1: And there was a lot of stuff going on. But 185 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:49,240 Speaker 1: one of the things, like I shrunken, and my friends 186 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:50,959 Speaker 1: have seen me do this. If I get really upset, 187 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:53,240 Speaker 1: like I will literally make myself small. I will get 188 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,720 Speaker 1: in a ball and I will it looks really painful, 189 00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:58,640 Speaker 1: it's like a pretzel thing, and I'll just like stay 190 00:10:58,679 --> 00:10:59,920 Speaker 1: there because it's like I don't want to be seeing, 191 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:02,000 Speaker 1: don't want to be heard, because now everyone's seen me 192 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,800 Speaker 1: and heard me, and they're going to realize like, oh, 193 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,160 Speaker 1: she's a terrible person, or oh I don't want her around, 194 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:10,160 Speaker 1: or she's not worth having around, she's too much, and 195 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:16,080 Speaker 1: it's I don't know. It's one of those really frustrating, 196 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:18,920 Speaker 1: like insecurities to shake, and I know it is mine, 197 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,680 Speaker 1: and I like know it. There's like a thought I 198 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,520 Speaker 1: can think and it's if I told it to you 199 00:11:23,559 --> 00:11:25,840 Speaker 1: wouldn't think it's that bad, but it is enough to 200 00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:27,760 Speaker 1: just wreck me. And a lot of times when I 201 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:30,280 Speaker 1: talk to people about fan fiction and then they're always like, 202 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:32,520 Speaker 1: she reads the saddest stuff. I do read sad stuff, 203 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:34,560 Speaker 1: But really a lot of it is just about not 204 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:38,000 Speaker 1: feeling like you're worth it. Like it's not super tragic, 205 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:43,960 Speaker 1: it's just oh that's right, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I again, 206 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:47,719 Speaker 1: I'm with you, and like again. And the thing that 207 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,240 Speaker 1: the statement that has ever haunted me and makes me 208 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,079 Speaker 1: tear up and you can hear to my voice when 209 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,880 Speaker 1: I say that I'm in the way or um, the 210 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:58,560 Speaker 1: whole rejection. But being in the way is my biggest 211 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:03,520 Speaker 1: game fear, which is an absurd fear because it doesn't 212 00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:07,000 Speaker 1: sound right in any aspects of like being on the way, 213 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:08,880 Speaker 1: what do you mean? Do you mean physically? Do you 214 00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:10,520 Speaker 1: mean all these things? I'm like, I know all of it, 215 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:17,079 Speaker 1: being literally cast out of a house to another person, 216 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:21,040 Speaker 1: to another person, to another person, to an orphanage where 217 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:25,880 Speaker 1: some of my big traumas happened. I physically react to 218 00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:29,480 Speaker 1: the thought of being in the way and that I 219 00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:33,280 Speaker 1: have to prove myself and don't even know what that 220 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:39,120 Speaker 1: truly means to truly understand the same things like I'm 221 00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:42,480 Speaker 1: being too much, I'm being too loud, I'm being too obnoxious, 222 00:12:42,559 --> 00:12:45,160 Speaker 1: I'm being too needy. Those are three of the biggest 223 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:50,320 Speaker 1: things that I fear. And I worked so hard to 224 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:53,720 Speaker 1: pred on the persona of being independent that anything else 225 00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:56,880 Speaker 1: doesn't feel natural, and feel like it feels like a 226 00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,840 Speaker 1: violation of who I am, which is not necessarily true. 227 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:04,559 Speaker 1: And again so many questions, So being vulnerable in any 228 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:09,880 Speaker 1: any way, going to an event, which feels like especially 229 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:13,520 Speaker 1: with jobs in an event, and I'm one of the 230 00:13:13,559 --> 00:13:17,920 Speaker 1: older one as a podcasting host, like at this up 231 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:22,720 Speaker 1: and trending new type of culture and subset, I feel 232 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:26,360 Speaker 1: out of place. I'm not white, i am not a man, 233 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:30,199 Speaker 1: I am forty years old, I am adopted, and I 234 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:35,520 Speaker 1: have barely gotten through life in so many ways, and 235 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:39,040 Speaker 1: so being in this aspects and again, like many of 236 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:43,200 Speaker 1: y'all are journalists and writers and actors, and I'm like, hey, 237 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:47,000 Speaker 1: I lived in l J, Georgia when the University of 238 00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:54,559 Speaker 1: Georgia social work. Yeah, so all of those insecurities is 239 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:59,040 Speaker 1: so huge, and you're right like feeling like I'm always 240 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:02,880 Speaker 1: in the way and therefore I am a nuisance and 241 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:09,880 Speaker 1: literally a diversity token. That's been a huge thing in 242 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:14,520 Speaker 1: my head anyway. But add that to the fact that 243 00:14:14,559 --> 00:14:18,000 Speaker 1: I have been told that I haven't been wanted and 244 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:21,440 Speaker 1: that they're all of these things literally being cast aside, 245 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:24,520 Speaker 1: passed around trying to find someone to solve this problem 246 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:29,880 Speaker 1: called me. Um, hey, that's my memmor But yeah, I 247 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:33,440 Speaker 1: definitely get that, and I'm sure. So I haven't gotten 248 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,240 Speaker 1: to the point where I can say I'm sure it's 249 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:38,400 Speaker 1: all in my head. M hmm. I don't know if 250 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:44,360 Speaker 1: that's true, but I will say, like, it's interesting to 251 00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:48,960 Speaker 1: see you having those same thoughts. Who I think you're 252 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:52,080 Speaker 1: You're literally, to me, the center of attention not because 253 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:54,480 Speaker 1: you're trying to put yourself there, but because people adore you. 254 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:56,800 Speaker 1: To that point, we've been I've been gushing over you 255 00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:58,800 Speaker 1: all day, so I'm just gonna keep going with it. 256 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:01,480 Speaker 1: But essentially with what I saw at the party as 257 00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:09,280 Speaker 1: I was trying to run away. Mmmmm, well, that's one 258 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:12,360 Speaker 1: of the things, Like I always find it so interesting 259 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:14,360 Speaker 1: with with you and a lot of my friends who 260 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:17,280 Speaker 1: are women. I'll hear you say something like this, and 261 00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:19,240 Speaker 1: but I think you're so amazing, and I think you're 262 00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,200 Speaker 1: so great, and I don't see that, but I'm also 263 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:23,120 Speaker 1: doing it. Like I think, it's just such a common 264 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:25,280 Speaker 1: the way we see each other and the way we 265 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:26,880 Speaker 1: see ourselves. And that's kind of why I wanted to 266 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:28,480 Speaker 1: bring it up, because after we talked about this, I 267 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:30,720 Speaker 1: was like, this is so interesting to me that we're 268 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:35,920 Speaker 1: kind of we're just we're struggling with the same thing. 269 00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:40,040 Speaker 1: It's just viewing it and interpreting it differently. And like 270 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:44,920 Speaker 1: I guess, like I said, we we are very different 271 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:49,760 Speaker 1: how we deal with stress, So we're kind of outwardly 272 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:56,160 Speaker 1: appearing very different, but inwardly, yeah, very similar. Like we 273 00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:59,480 Speaker 1: may react differently, but it's for the same reasons. That's 274 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,240 Speaker 1: exactly fascinating. Of course, you know, people are different, people 275 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:05,200 Speaker 1: are unique, and we know this. But that's the thing is, 276 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:09,200 Speaker 1: like this whole idea of the impostor syndrome, I don't 277 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,520 Speaker 1: think that that word is strong enough for this. This 278 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,320 Speaker 1: is not impostor syndrome. This is a trauma that we 279 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:19,080 Speaker 1: suffered again going through our own experiences, but also being 280 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:23,520 Speaker 1: women in a society that has been taught to shrink 281 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:28,240 Speaker 1: and that we should know our place in society, which 282 00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:31,560 Speaker 1: is to be behind in the shadows, in the corner, 283 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:34,760 Speaker 1: doing all the labor, but quietly and stuffering through it quietly. 284 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,960 Speaker 1: And I think it does say that. It just showed 285 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:42,000 Speaker 1: that a lot. And then when we start being recognized 286 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,400 Speaker 1: or being seen or wanting to be seen or wanting 287 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:48,720 Speaker 1: to be recognized, it feels like blasphemy, how dare you? 288 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:53,280 Speaker 1: But within our own souls, because once again, this is 289 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:57,000 Speaker 1: the opposite of being what we were taught as women 290 00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:02,520 Speaker 1: in the society. That's a bigger conversation though it is, 291 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:04,720 Speaker 1: But that's definitely one of the reasons I wanted to 292 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:08,320 Speaker 1: talk about this because I do think like being too much. 293 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:11,440 Speaker 1: It was like we can't even express our needs are 294 00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:14,760 Speaker 1: wants because that's too much, but they could be basic things. 295 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:19,120 Speaker 1: We've just been so conditioned to do this and so 296 00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:24,720 Speaker 1: conditioned through our experiences and through society and through um, yeah, 297 00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:29,359 Speaker 1: being women of If I am too much in whatever 298 00:17:29,359 --> 00:17:31,520 Speaker 1: way I think that is, if I'm too loud or 299 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:34,080 Speaker 1: talk to you about my Star Wars love too much, 300 00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:37,639 Speaker 1: You're just going to write me off because that's that's 301 00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:41,480 Speaker 1: You're not worth the effort. So I think there's a 302 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:45,040 Speaker 1: lot we could unpack with this, and I'm sure we 303 00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:52,720 Speaker 1: probably will, and and sheers too, And I hope you 304 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:55,160 Speaker 1: can tell us what you are going through and how 305 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,040 Speaker 1: you are doing, because I have a feeling we're not 306 00:17:57,080 --> 00:18:00,280 Speaker 1: alone in this new concept of trying to socialize again. 307 00:18:02,359 --> 00:18:06,040 Speaker 1: The party sent us move Love. It's so true though, 308 00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:09,439 Speaker 1: It's so true. Yes, we would love, love, love to 309 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:11,959 Speaker 1: hear from you. You can emails at STUFFI You, mom 310 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,960 Speaker 1: Stuff at I hurt Media dot com. You can find 311 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,679 Speaker 1: us on Instagram at stuff I've Never Told You are 312 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,919 Speaker 1: on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast. Thanks as always to 313 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,600 Speaker 1: our super producer Christina, which we did get to seeing 314 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:24,879 Speaker 1: hug and it was the delight. Christina, You're amazing yes, yes, 315 00:18:25,119 --> 00:18:27,880 Speaker 1: and thanks to you for listening stuff I never told 316 00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:29,800 Speaker 1: you protection I Heart Radio for more podcast from my 317 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:32,000 Speaker 1: Hurt Radio visity, I Heard you app Apple podcast or 318 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:33,480 Speaker 1: where you listen to your favorite shows.