Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
Speaker 1: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in
Speaker 1: the world, it is so great to have you here.
Speaker 1: Back for another episode as we, of course break down
Speaker 1: the psychology of our twenties. So, I don't know about you,
Speaker 1: but it often feels like my twenties. They aren't just
Speaker 1: about like growing and experiencing life. There's almost this implicit
Speaker 1: feeling that they're actually about ticking off a checklist, you know.
Speaker 1: Some people call it like the thirty before thirty right,
Speaker 1: moving out of home, graduating university, tick, get a good job, tick,
Speaker 1: find a life partner, solidify like your lifetime friendship group,
Speaker 1: buy a house, travel, invest etc. Etc. There is this
Speaker 1: very almost omnipresent blueprint given to us by society, by
Speaker 1: our peers, by our parents, by the media about how
Speaker 1: this decade is meant to look. And it's quite linear
Speaker 1: and consecutive. It's constantly moving forwards and upwards. But what
Speaker 1: if you are one of those people, one of many
Speaker 1: of us who find themselves completely starting over in their twenties,
Speaker 1: starting from scratch. The carefully laid plans, you know, kind
Speaker 1: of may have crumbled. The future that we'd imagined and
Speaker 1: had been so sure of suddenly doesn't seem that fun
Speaker 1: and enjoyable anymore. Maybe we've realized that we've made a mistake.
Speaker 1: We need to leave the relationship, leave the job, leave
Speaker 1: the city we're in, leave the friendship, leave the life
Speaker 1: that we've kind of created so far. That is a
Speaker 1: reality for a lot of us. It is very hard
Speaker 1: to admit to ourselves when and that we do need
Speaker 1: to start over, so hard, in fact, I think that
Speaker 1: few of us ever really do. Instead, we endure a life,
Speaker 1: and we endure a reality that doesn't fit us, because
Speaker 1: the prospect of the unknown and of starting over feels
Speaker 1: not only shameful but very scary. However, when we do
Speaker 1: admit it to ourselves that we are ready to start over,
Speaker 1: or when that decision is kind of thrust on us,
Speaker 1: I think it can be quite liberating if we take
Speaker 1: a different perspective on it. Now. I don't want to
Speaker 1: discount that there is going to be fear. There. There
Speaker 1: is going to be confusion, especially since we feel like
Speaker 1: we've fallen off the blueprint. We maybe don't have plans anymore,
Speaker 1: We don't have seemingly in our mind an ideal sense
Speaker 1: of the future. But I really want to talk about
Speaker 1: why that is okay, and why this is actually a
Speaker 1: very common experience. And if you're feeling isolated, overwhelmed, maybe
Speaker 1: shameful as were ashamed, as we mentioned before, that is
Speaker 1: exactly what I would expect you to be feeling in
Speaker 1: this moment. But it shouldn't discourage you, or shouldn't make
Speaker 1: you feel like you haven't made the right choice, or
Speaker 1: that this is actually going to turn out completely entirely okay.
Speaker 1: We are going to discuss some of the common ways
Speaker 1: that we are forced to start over in our twenties,
Speaker 1: the biggest reasons why we have so much fear towards
Speaker 1: this experience, whether that's because of timeline comparison, or the
Speaker 1: fear of the unknown, lots of identity, our attachment to comfort.
Speaker 1: We're going to discuss all of those factors plus, and
Speaker 1: this is the most important part of this episode, how
Speaker 1: to shift from that really fear based mindset to an
Speaker 1: opportunity based mindset when you encounter the opportunity to start
Speaker 1: over in your twenties. I also really want to share
Speaker 1: some listener stories. I've been doing that more and more
Speaker 1: because I just feel like, there is so much wisdom
Speaker 1: from the community, and sometimes I think just hearing that
Speaker 1: other people are going through what you are going through
Speaker 1: is the assurance that we all need. And I want
Speaker 1: to remind you just because something about your life isn't
Speaker 1: working out right now doesn't mean that the rest of
Speaker 1: your life is doomed. That is the main philosophy and
Speaker 1: theme that we will be promoting in this episode. So
Speaker 1: I hope that if you are in this position, this
Speaker 1: brings you comfort, knowledge, information, maybe just a sense of calm.
Speaker 1: And without further ado, let's get into the episode What
Speaker 1: does it feel like to start over in your twenties?
Speaker 1: I want to share a story from a listener actually
Speaker 1: to start us off, and I think this story just
Speaker 1: really captures the I don't know the essence of what
Speaker 1: it feels like to start over. Hey, g Emma, I
Speaker 1: want to share my story of starting over in hopes
Speaker 1: that it will help someone else feel less like a
Speaker 1: failure because they didn't get it right the first time.
Speaker 1: When I was twenty seven, I had my dream job.
Speaker 1: I was making commercials, working my way up to potentially
Speaker 1: being a film director. I had all of these friends,
Speaker 1: a nice flat I was living in London with my
Speaker 1: boyfriend who I'd met at twenty two. We lived together
Speaker 1: and we had a cat, and I thought for sure
Speaker 1: he was going to propose in the next year. Everything
Speaker 1: basically just seemed laid out perfectly in front of me.
Speaker 1: Within the span of two months, I lost my job
Speaker 1: when COVID started, my boyfriend broke up with me because
Speaker 1: he caught feelings for one of his co workers, and
Speaker 1: my dad had a stroke, so I moved back home
Speaker 1: to take care of him. Enter my dark days for
Speaker 1: the next year, it felt like my trajectory was permanently
Speaker 1: changed and I was going to be a failure and miserable.
Speaker 1: This was the beginning of the end. I hadn't felt
Speaker 1: this uncertain since I was seventeen, because in the last
Speaker 1: ten years, the next step had always been obvious for me,
Speaker 1: and I guess I took that for granted. Slowly but surely,
Speaker 1: I started to really think, what do I want the
Speaker 1: next ten years of my life to look like? What
Speaker 1: is going to make me happy? I started to put
Speaker 1: things into action, and now I can confidently say that
Speaker 1: I am happier than ever. My dad got better, and
Speaker 1: now I live in Italy and I teach yoga. I
Speaker 1: got certified two years ago. I run my own business
Speaker 1: as well. I live in my own apartment with my
Speaker 1: two cats now, and I have a beautiful community around me.
Speaker 1: It honestly scares me to think that this life almost
Speaker 1: didn't happen, and that I thought what I had before
Speaker 1: was the peak of happiness, not even close. So this email,
Speaker 1: I got this email before I even announced that I
Speaker 1: was going to do this episode. This person must have
Speaker 1: just known that maybe someone else out there needed to
Speaker 1: hear it, and it honestly left me really emotional, And
Speaker 1: I just want to repeat my favorite part once more
Speaker 1: because it's incredible. This is the part that I love.
Speaker 1: It honestly scares me to think that this life almost
Speaker 1: didn't happen. Now, is that not the most beautiful and
Speaker 1: wise reminder from someone who has lived through and experienced
Speaker 1: this thing that we kind of fear everything falling apart.
Speaker 1: That is what happened to her, and she's fine now.
Speaker 1: You know. I just couldn't not include this story because sometimes,
Speaker 1: like I said, just hearing how someone else's circumstances have
Speaker 1: turned out is enough to sue our own doubt In
Speaker 1: a way, I think this story is also incredible because
Speaker 1: it touches on three very unique ways that we may
Speaker 1: be forced to start over in our twenties relationships, career
Speaker 1: and location, but also family and priorities sore actually almost five,
Speaker 1: and each of them feels so uniquely significant. It just
Speaker 1: blows my mind that this person experienced so many different
Speaker 1: you know, so many different ways of life becoming chaotic
Speaker 1: all at once, and she survived. So let's talk about
Speaker 1: the ways in which we might be forced to start over.
Speaker 1: And I'm going to focus on career first, because I
Speaker 1: think when our career intentions and dreams change or our
Speaker 1: path becomes unclear, we can feel very unmoored, usually because
Speaker 1: our identity is somewhat, if not seriously, tied to our
Speaker 1: vocation and what we do for a living, what we're pursuing.
Speaker 1: Especially in our twenties, right, it just feels like work
Speaker 1: is at the center. We are meant to be climbing
Speaker 1: the corporate ladder, working really hard figuring out what we
Speaker 1: want to do. So when we don't feel like we know,
Speaker 1: or we feel like we do know and it's not
Speaker 1: working out, it can be very distressing. There are many
Speaker 1: ways that this kind of happens to us. You may
Speaker 1: have been unexpectedly fired or made redundant in the last
Speaker 1: couple of years. You may even get to a stage
Speaker 1: where you realize that you're just faking it. You know
Speaker 1: this isn't what you want anymore, or the industry is
Speaker 1: changing and you just can't get the job. You've pushed
Speaker 1: yourself so hard you're not getting any traction. Sometimes we
Speaker 1: rereach a tipping point in these circumstances where we realize,
Speaker 1: okay to go. It might be time to abandon ship.
Speaker 1: I'm not happy here anymore. It's not working out, and yes,
Speaker 1: the future feels unclear, but so does this current timeline
Speaker 1: that I'm on. When you really actually consider it and
Speaker 1: sit with this reality for a lot of people, you
Speaker 1: kind of realize that a lot of us are basically
Speaker 1: forced to put ourselves on a career or a professional
Speaker 1: trajectory very early on, at like seventeen or eighteen years old.
Speaker 1: And I don't know about you, but seventeen year old Gemma,
Speaker 1: she had no idea what she wanted. She thought she knew,
Speaker 1: she thought she was a genius, she thought she had
Speaker 1: it all figured out. Absolutely no way. She was so naive.
Speaker 1: That was a big wake up call when you know,
Speaker 1: I started to think, huh, maybe what I dreamt about
Speaker 1: it seventeen or eighteen isn't what twenty four year old
Speaker 1: me actually cares about anymore. And if you're going through
Speaker 1: that right now, I really feel for you. But I
Speaker 1: also think it's important to actually periodically reflect on what
Speaker 1: you actually want from your professional life and make changes
Speaker 1: where you deem necessary, kind of before it's too late.
Speaker 1: The second biggest dimension area where we feel like we
Speaker 1: could be starting over is our relationships. Now I mean
Speaker 1: both platonic and romantic, but let's really zoom in on
Speaker 1: romantic for a second. So I was talking to my
Speaker 1: friend's Steph the other day about something that's happening in
Speaker 1: our and our friendship circle, which is there has been
Speaker 1: a series of long term relationship breakups that have occurred
Speaker 1: amongst our friends, and I am talking like five, seven
Speaker 1: to ten year relationships all coming to an end. It's
Speaker 1: like everyone turns twenty seven, realizes they're closer to thirty
Speaker 1: than ever before, they're satin returns, and they break up.
Speaker 1: So that period between around twenty seven to twenty nine
Speaker 1: is when a lot of us experience our first major
Speaker 1: breakup with a long term partner. Maybe that's someone that
Speaker 1: you've fallen in love with in your early twenties and
Speaker 1: now you know you are faced with the idea of
Speaker 1: entering thirty with them, you realize that you want to
Speaker 1: enter it with someone else. But it's very common for
Speaker 1: people to reach their late twenties and see a real
Speaker 1: flip in their relationship priorities, and it's not a coincidence.
Speaker 1: It's been suggested by some social psychologist that twenty seven
Speaker 1: to thirty twenty seven to twenty nine is a very
Speaker 1: serious and key stage in relationships where you're kind of
Speaker 1: at this age where you either get serious or you
Speaker 1: get out. I think that's how a lot of us feel.
Speaker 1: This is also known by another name. It's called the
Speaker 1: seven year itch. I don't know if you've heard that
Speaker 1: name before, but it basically refers to this idea that
Speaker 1: at around seven years, a relationship either needs to change
Speaker 1: or or needs to be left behind, and either you
Speaker 1: evolve together or you go your separate ways. This is
Speaker 1: actually one of the main timeline hurdles for a relationship.
Speaker 1: It's typically six months, two years, and seven years. Those
Speaker 1: are the times in which people are most likely to
Speaker 1: break up. It follows a very similar pattern for a
Speaker 1: lot of us. Even as I'm telling you this, though
Speaker 1: you might be comforted by the science, you might be
Speaker 1: able to say, oh, okay, so this is normal. I
Speaker 1: don't think that reduces the fact that it's a very serious, deep,
Speaker 1: profoundly moving loss. No one enters a relationship thinking this
Speaker 1: has an expiry date and at twenty seven I'll break
Speaker 1: up and find someone new. Like typically, we are in
Speaker 1: it for the long haul. We're committed to this person.
Speaker 1: So I also think that even if you know deep
Speaker 1: down this is what is right, you will find someone
Speaker 1: else or you will be okay alone. It doesn't lessen
Speaker 1: the sting, at least in the first three to six months.
Speaker 1: It's definitely, I think, not made any easier by this
Speaker 1: societal stigma around being single and the sense that if
Speaker 1: you're not partnered up, you are not whole. You're either
Speaker 1: in a couple or you're half a person. You must
Speaker 1: be either looking for love or in love. You know,
Speaker 1: how could you possibly be in that middle space of
Speaker 1: just being happy by yourself. Another way that we typically
Speaker 1: start over in our twenties is financially, maybe you've made
Speaker 1: a big purchase, maybe you've lost money, maybe you've gone
Speaker 1: all in on traveling and you've come back with nothing.
Speaker 1: I see this a lot. I actually don't think it's
Speaker 1: a bad thing. I think that what is money if
Speaker 1: it's not something that unlocks a better life for you?
Speaker 1: And for some people, money unlocks the security and comfort
Speaker 1: of a home or of long term financial stability. For others,
Speaker 1: it unlocks things like travel, and it unlocks things like
Speaker 1: giving yourself the experiences you maybe always wanted as a child,
Speaker 1: or giving yourself kind of that texture to life. So financially,
Speaker 1: I think, obviously I'm not going to give you financial advice,
Speaker 1: and you do what is best for you and what
Speaker 1: feels most aligned with your life priorities. But I think
Speaker 1: starting over financially in our twenties is not always this big, dark,
Speaker 1: looming cloud that is promising you failure for the rest
Speaker 1: of your years. Right. I don't think that it's a
Speaker 1: mistake to spend your money, even if it means not
Speaker 1: having as much as people your own age, or feeling
Speaker 1: like you don't have as much saved as you know
Speaker 1: Tom down the road or Beth up the street. Also
Speaker 1: kind of honest similar not not really, but moving This
Speaker 1: is a time. Our twenties are a time when a
Speaker 1: lot of us want to live in and see new places.
Speaker 1: The amount of friends that I have who have moved
Speaker 1: to London in the last year shocking, shocking. Have this
Speaker 1: joke that like re Australian turns twenty five and moves
Speaker 1: to London, and every person in the UK turns twenty
Speaker 1: five and moves to Australia like it honestly feels that way,
Speaker 1: But really it is a time when we're looking for
Speaker 1: a refresh, We're looking for a new environment, we're looking
Speaker 1: for new friends. Adjusting to that though, isn't always going
Speaker 1: to be a fairy tale. We like comfort, we like
Speaker 1: what we know, and there will be probably a period
Speaker 1: of disconnect where you don't have the same community or
Speaker 1: knowledge of a city or a space that you did
Speaker 1: when you lived back at home. I have a rule
Speaker 1: for situations like this, though, If you are lucky enough
Speaker 1: to move to a new city or a new country,
Speaker 1: I need you to give it at least six months,
Speaker 1: six months where you cannot decide whether to stay or
Speaker 1: to go, because that period of time is typically how
Speaker 1: long it does take to learn a new place to
Speaker 1: solidify some new friendships, to feel comfortable in a new job,
Speaker 1: and to get a sense of home. So if part
Speaker 1: of your fresh start in your twenties has been a
Speaker 1: significant move and you're struggling, you're thinking, oh my god,
Speaker 1: like fuck, it made it terrible decision. Please keep the
Speaker 1: six month rule in mind. One final way that we
Speaker 1: typically see people restarting during this decade is almost like
Speaker 1: a complete overhaul. It's not to do with finances, this
Speaker 1: is not to do with relationships, career. It's everything. It
Speaker 1: is a refresh and a rebirth or most of our
Speaker 1: entire personality, where we decide we need new hobbies, we
Speaker 1: need new beliefs, we need new clothes, new habits. It's
Speaker 1: part of our personal evolution. And I think normally when
Speaker 1: we get to that point where we do feel like
Speaker 1: we need to transform ourselves as people, we've definitely reached
Speaker 1: an internal or emotional tipping point where at some stage
Speaker 1: you realize that you are no longer happy and you
Speaker 1: will never be happy in this current version of yourself.
Speaker 1: So that is definitely another way that we are promised
Speaker 1: a fresh start in our twenty So these are the
Speaker 1: most common core examples I'll also say that at the
Speaker 1: time of recording this, you know, there are huge fires
Speaker 1: in LA and many people have had to start over
Speaker 1: because of something completely drastic, dramatic out of their control,
Speaker 1: like a natural disaster, And those experiences for other people
Speaker 1: sometimes really put into perspective our own problems. But it
Speaker 1: really does go to show that you can do everything right,
Speaker 1: and there can still be factors outside of your control
Speaker 1: that can get to you and that can force a
Speaker 1: fresh start. So when we are either involuntarily or voluntarily
Speaker 1: pushed to restart and start over in our twenties, we
Speaker 1: are likely to encounter some pretty emotional, psychological hard barriers
Speaker 1: or things that make it difficult and that bring about
Speaker 1: doubt and confusion, And I want to talk about all
Speaker 1: of those after this shortbreak. Admitting to yourself and I
Speaker 1: guess to others that you have had to start over
Speaker 1: in your twenties in some capacity, it can bring about
Speaker 1: a lot of shame and fear, and we associate it
Speaker 1: with feeling like we failed, or feeling like we're disappointing people,
Speaker 1: or like you've wasted those early years. Why does it
Speaker 1: feel so weird to admit to ourselves and to others
Speaker 1: that we're starting over. I think the first reason that
Speaker 1: this is so hard, and I would say the primary
Speaker 1: reason in this generation is timeline comparison. As humans, part
Speaker 1: of our DNA, I guess, part of our blueprint, our
Speaker 1: social blueprint has evolved to compare to look at our
Speaker 1: peers or our friends as a way to see whether
Speaker 1: we are doing this whole life thing correctly. And if
Speaker 1: the majority of people are where we are, we largely
Speaker 1: assume we're doing okay. If they're at a similar point
Speaker 1: in you know, their life as us, we kind of think, okay,
Speaker 1: no problems, We're fine, We're not going to fall behind,
Speaker 1: no disaster. But if our perception of other people's progress
Speaker 1: and success is that they are much more advanced than us,
Speaker 1: and that is the norm, we are engaging in something
Speaker 1: called upward social comparison, and that can really bring about
Speaker 1: a sense of pressure or shame, doubt, confusion that we
Speaker 1: are falling behind. Milestone or life trajectory is probably one
Speaker 1: of the main things that we compare ourselves on in
Speaker 1: our twenties, most likely because there is no guidebook for
Speaker 1: how well we should be going. There is no unique
Speaker 1: special way that we should be doing things, so we
Speaker 1: tend to use examples in our environment, like our friends,
Speaker 1: our similarly aged colleagues, people we see online as a
Speaker 1: way to tell us. We don't realize though when we
Speaker 1: do that, either consciously or unconsciously, we don't realize that
Speaker 1: we have a real blind spot. We do not have
Speaker 1: an accurate sample. We are not seeing the whole picture.
Speaker 1: We are not seeing the areas of these people's lives
Speaker 1: where they themselves feel behind. In fact, recent research would
Speaker 1: tell you that when we compare, we are actually most
Speaker 1: likely to choose the most accomplished person we know and
Speaker 1: treat them as the average, when really they're not. It's
Speaker 1: a cognitive bias that we have. The truth is there
Speaker 1: is no one correct path, but we also tend to
Speaker 1: forget that because social comparison is not rational, it's emotional.
Speaker 1: It is going to make you feel more insecure as
Speaker 1: a way to motivate you in this very human way
Speaker 1: to be like everyone else. Compounding this, I think, is
Speaker 1: this cultural narrative that we all encounter that our twenties
Speaker 1: are a make or break time, one where we are
Speaker 1: supposed to have it all figured out or at least
Speaker 1: be on our way, and this pressure really feeds into
Speaker 1: imposter syndrome, making us feel like we are constantly falling short,
Speaker 1: that we don't deserve to be where we are, or
Speaker 1: that even when we are somewhere that we're happy to be,
Speaker 1: we could be further along. The thing is is that
Speaker 1: this kind of timeline comparison, and I'm certainly not blaming
Speaker 1: you for indulging in it. I definitely do it as well.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's just instinctual, but it's actually not making it
Speaker 1: any easier for us to change our lives or to
Speaker 1: move in the direction that we want. So there was
Speaker 1: a twenty twenty two study from the University of Florida
Speaker 1: that found that the more frequently we compare ourselves on
Speaker 1: things like timelines, the fewer positive feelings we have about ourselves,
Speaker 1: and the less we feel that we can act to
Speaker 1: change our life or be better do better. So it
Speaker 1: becomes a bit of a trap. You feel shit in
Speaker 1: comparison to someone else. That's going to make you feel
Speaker 1: like you have no capability or agency to make your
Speaker 1: life better, so you stay stuck. I think again, what
Speaker 1: exacerbates this and makes it harder is when nobody is
Speaker 1: talking about it, When nobody is willing to say yeah,
Speaker 1: I made a mistake and I'm starting over. Or this
Speaker 1: didn't work out and I'm starting over. So just simply
Speaker 1: telling your story and being open about how your life
Speaker 1: is turning out and how it might not be turning
Speaker 1: out as planned. We feel like we are the only
Speaker 1: one who is experiencing this, and we feel like we
Speaker 1: are admitting to some failure that brings a lot of
Speaker 1: shame about not just what we are doing, but our
Speaker 1: inherent qualities. Right. This is why it can be so painful,
Speaker 1: because we think that admitting to our life plan not
Speaker 1: working out shows that we are someone who wasn't good enough,
Speaker 1: wasn't capable enough, wasn't resilient enough, didn't deserve some success,
Speaker 1: when really that is not the case. Your brain logic
Speaker 1: in this instance is not working in your favor. It's
Speaker 1: actually sabotaging our ego and sense of self further almost
Speaker 1: because it would prefer that we be the ones to
Speaker 1: tell ourselves that we're a failure, then have someone else
Speaker 1: tell us. So if we go into this and we
Speaker 1: have no examples of anyone else experiencing what we're experiencing
Speaker 1: or normalizing it, and then we feel like we have
Speaker 1: to tell people and admit to it. Our brain's going
Speaker 1: to convince us that we are much more horrible, terrible,
Speaker 1: much more of a failure than we actually are, almost
Speaker 1: as a way to protect our ego by injuring it
Speaker 1: in the first place. So comparison, I fear of failure.
Speaker 1: That's definitely what makes starting over externally scary. But let's
Speaker 1: talk about some of the internal, more personal reasons that
Speaker 1: we do tend to struggle in these situations. The first
Speaker 1: big one is a fear of the unknown. Truly, any
Speaker 1: fear that you have comes down to this greater fear
Speaker 1: of the unknown. Because if you knew what was going
Speaker 1: to happen, if you knew that the snake wouldn't bite you,
Speaker 1: the plane wouldn't crash, that everything would turn out okay,
Speaker 1: you wouldn't be scared. You wouldn't be scared. So it's
Speaker 1: the uncertainty that matters. How many of us have wished
Speaker 1: someone would just be able to concretely say that, for certain,
Speaker 1: everything will be all right. Oh and you know, by
Speaker 1: the way, in three months, that's when you're gonna find
Speaker 1: the new job, and you're going to meet your soulmate.
Speaker 1: In approximately seventeen months and nine days, and in two
Speaker 1: weeks you'll have one of those days where everything about
Speaker 1: this new life makes sense. We all hunger and crave
Speaker 1: that kind of validation that we are on the right path.
Speaker 1: Thing is, no one can tell us that. No one
Speaker 1: is going to be able to give you the answer
Speaker 1: and tell you when it's all going to fall into place. Therefore,
Speaker 1: we have to manage this very natural anxiety around the
Speaker 1: unknown by ourselves the best we can. The alternative is
Speaker 1: staying attached to what is comfortable. The stagnant career, the
Speaker 1: unhappy relationship, the unfulfilling friendships, the city, the place that
Speaker 1: doesn't give you any joy. You could always stay there.
Speaker 1: You could always remain in this nice, comfortable, safe bubble
Speaker 1: because you are too scared of what might happen. I
Speaker 1: just don't think that is a good alternative. And what
Speaker 1: are you going to be more glad that you did
Speaker 1: in a year, in five years, in ten years, are
Speaker 1: you going to be glad that you stayed safe and
Speaker 1: you stayed locked away or are you going to be
Speaker 1: glad that you looked at your life you said I'm
Speaker 1: not happy here and you change things. I do also
Speaker 1: want to offer you a different way of framing this,
Speaker 1: which is that life would be utterly and completely boring
Speaker 1: if you knew how it was all going to turn out.
Speaker 1: It would honestly be such a drag to know how
Speaker 1: everything was going to unfold, down to the minute details,
Speaker 1: how everything was going to turn out. Honestly, it would
Speaker 1: seem very pointless to be living this life with no
Speaker 1: anticipation and no surprises. So even if there is not
Speaker 1: a lot of joy in not knowing and not a
Speaker 1: lot of joy in the chaos, I do think that
Speaker 1: the alternative would be even more horrendous. So let's talk
Speaker 1: about the final reason why I think starting over in
Speaker 1: our twenties is so hard, and that is because of
Speaker 1: the loss of identity that we experience when we transition
Speaker 1: away from our career choices, or our relationship or the
Speaker 1: places of comfort. A lot of people think that identity
Speaker 1: formation takes place in our childhood, and in many ways
Speaker 1: that is true, but it all so really gets tested
Speaker 1: and solidified in our twenties. Our identity, I'd like to
Speaker 1: think about it as being made up of many buckets,
Speaker 1: from values, to culture, to relationships, korea, hobby is, appearance, beliefs.
Speaker 1: We tend to piece our identity together from things that
Speaker 1: surround us and attach significance to positions and roles like
Speaker 1: our job title, like who we're dating, like where we live,
Speaker 1: our environment. Now, when those things naturally fall away, when
Speaker 1: we are forced to start over, when some spanner is
Speaker 1: thrown into the wheel, we feel very unmoored from the
Speaker 1: pillars of who we are. You kind of just left
Speaker 1: with a few remnants of your identity when material or
Speaker 1: I guess outside things full away. So let me use
Speaker 1: the example of a long term relationship. When a long
Speaker 1: term relationship ends, often people will struggle rebuilding a full
Speaker 1: and complete sense of self because they've really tied themselves
Speaker 1: up in this other person. So they may have neglected
Speaker 1: the things that really do make them unique, like their
Speaker 1: interests or their beliefs, or their values. And so you
Speaker 1: really have to work your way back to that place
Speaker 1: of deep self knowledge because you can no longer rely
Speaker 1: on this relationship or this other person to define you.
Speaker 1: And that is going to be emotionally painful and stressful
Speaker 1: and scary if you didn't think you were going to
Speaker 1: be here. I've seen this happen in so many friends' relationships,
Speaker 1: And to be completely honest with you. I'm sure that
Speaker 1: if me and my boyfriend or my partner broke up
Speaker 1: right now, it would be likely that I would fall
Speaker 1: into this same spiral, because naturally, when you care about someone,
Speaker 1: when you're imagining a future with them, you sort of
Speaker 1: neglect the parts of you that would allow you to
Speaker 1: be fully independent and that would allow your identity to
Speaker 1: be fully formed on your own. I don't think that's
Speaker 1: a bad thing at all. I think that it's a
Speaker 1: sign of healthy reliance and dependency. It is just an adjustment. Okay,
Speaker 1: so far we have really zoned in on explaining the
Speaker 1: hard parts of starting over and why our feelings about
Speaker 1: it to emerge. I think it is time that we
Speaker 1: shift to a more future oriented, positive approach and really
Speaker 1: examine how we can use psychology and what we know
Speaker 1: about ourselves as humans to use these unfortunate fresh starts
Speaker 1: to our advantage. So when we come back, I'm going
Speaker 1: to talk advice. I'm going to talk leveraging transitional periods,
Speaker 1: and why the best time to start over is actually
Speaker 1: right now. We'll be back right after this short break,
Speaker 1: so I want to tell you why the best time
Speaker 1: I'm for you to start over is right now. As promised.
Speaker 1: If you were going to choose a moment to reinvent
Speaker 1: yourself and to lead environments, people in places that don't
Speaker 1: serve you in your twenties, it would be right now.
Speaker 1: You will never be as young with as much future
Speaker 1: time in front of you as you have in this moment.
Speaker 1: You can spend hours, weeks, months ruminating on what could
Speaker 1: have happened. You can reflect and think, if I've just
Speaker 1: done this, if I've just done that, But these hypotheticals
Speaker 1: are not in the realm of your control. So unfortunate
Speaker 1: as it is, I think it is a lost cause
Speaker 1: to reflect on the past with longing, because it can't
Speaker 1: change anything. But luckily you have been given the gift
Speaker 1: of a new beginning, and your twenties are a great
Speaker 1: time to start over again and again and again. Because
Speaker 1: of just how flexible and adaptable we are, and our
Speaker 1: lives are, and our brains are. It is such a
Speaker 1: unique time for reinvention. Although you know our brains continue
Speaker 1: to change and develop over our lifetime, our twenties are
Speaker 1: actually the second most formative period for brain development in
Speaker 1: our life, and that works in your favor. It's easier
Speaker 1: for you to rewire certain pathways, to form new attachments,
Speaker 1: to learn new skills, to be resilient because we are
Speaker 1: so adaptable, and you can create a whole new neurological
Speaker 1: system based on this new life you're creating. I think
Speaker 1: we all know the saying you can't teach an old
Speaker 1: dog new tricks, and in some ways that's true. The
Speaker 1: old you get, the harder it is to give yourself
Speaker 1: the gift of a fresh start. I also want to
Speaker 1: remind you you are still incredibly young, even if you
Speaker 1: are listening to this and you're not in your twenties,
Speaker 1: you're in your early thirties or your early forties. My gosh,
Speaker 1: there are people in their sixties, seventies, eighties who would
Speaker 1: look at your life and say, to have the time
Speaker 1: you have, if only I had changed at your age,
Speaker 1: if only I had let myself. I think I've said
Speaker 1: this quote before, actually, but it's one that really sticks
Speaker 1: with me. It's not necessarily a quote, but it's a
Speaker 1: video of Reese Witherspoon, you know, from Legally Blonde, and
Speaker 1: she is being interviewed by someone who is twenty nine,
Speaker 1: and the girl tells her how old she is, and
Speaker 1: she says, how do you go about getting into film
Speaker 1: when you're a bit older, and Reese asks her how
Speaker 1: old are you? She goes, I'm twenty nine. She goes,
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, you're just a baby. If you could
Speaker 1: see yourself from my perspective, you are so young and
Speaker 1: you have so much time. And that gave me so
Speaker 1: much reassurance that really, all these experienced, wonderful people who
Speaker 1: a lot of us admire and respect would look at
Speaker 1: where we're at right now and say, this is just
Speaker 1: the beginning. If I was going to start over, I'd
Speaker 1: be doing it right now. It's also worth noting that
Speaker 1: I definitely believe that life comes in cycles, so you
Speaker 1: just have to be prepared and open minded. You may
Speaker 1: be starting over now, and then you may be starting
Speaker 1: over again at forty at sixty five, but at least
Speaker 1: you'll have some experience on how to navigate this transition,
Speaker 1: and you have practice, because change is really the only
Speaker 1: thing that is promised, and if you hide away from it,
Speaker 1: eventually it will grab you, and it would be better
Speaker 1: to know how to handle that. So that is some
Speaker 1: of my more philosophical advice ramblings around why this isn't
Speaker 1: the disaster that maybe you think it is, although you're
Speaker 1: allowed to feel that way. If you're still in the
Speaker 1: morning grieving period for what once was, that's okay. But
Speaker 1: I want to teach you how you can try and
Speaker 1: reframe this chapter of your life as hard as and
Speaker 1: confusing as it may have been, and move forward, and
Speaker 1: have some tips for you on that as well. Start small.
Speaker 1: If you have experienced a setback or a failure and
Speaker 1: you're trying to rebuild, start small. Start small by talking
Speaker 1: to people in industries that you think you may enjoy.
Speaker 1: Start small, or by going on a really low key
Speaker 1: date by journaling what you could possibly what kind of
Speaker 1: life you could possibly fall in love with. If you're
Speaker 1: trying to restart after a big friendship, breakup or a loss,
Speaker 1: give yourself time to grieve and then slowly get back
Speaker 1: out there. Take baby steps so that every single step
Speaker 1: of the way you are being intentional. I think let's
Speaker 1: use the metaphor of starting with a blank canvas when
Speaker 1: you're painting, right. I don't know many of us who
Speaker 1: would rush to fill every single square inch of that
Speaker 1: canvas in minutes, because inherent in that is that we
Speaker 1: see an opportunity to create something big and bright, and vibrant.
Speaker 1: You know, we've been given this huge canvas, this huge
Speaker 1: place to put all our feelings, so we want to
Speaker 1: be intentional with what we're putting on there. And the
Speaker 1: same goes for rebuilding the area of your life where
Speaker 1: you may have felt like you had to start over.
Speaker 1: I would say, focus on one area that you really
Speaker 1: want to find either stability, abundance, growth, whatever it is,
Speaker 1: and make a bit of a master plan. I have
Speaker 1: really fallen in love with the idea of a master
Speaker 1: plan recently, and basically it's like a map of the
Speaker 1: next six months to a year that holds multiple desires
Speaker 1: or dreams or goals for you, and it feels less
Speaker 1: specific than a strict singular goal that you're working towards.
Speaker 1: It lets you focus on how you want to make
Speaker 1: progress in everything in your life, how you want to
Speaker 1: feel my master plan I really like to have you know,
Speaker 1: how am I going to be feeling in two weeks,
Speaker 1: in a month, in three months, in six months, What
Speaker 1: do I have to change now to get me there?
Speaker 1: If it is that you want to feel more secure
Speaker 1: in your purpose and what you actually want to do
Speaker 1: in your life, maybe the first three months are going
Speaker 1: to be an explorative chapter for you, where you're just
Speaker 1: trying out different hats, where you are networking, where you
Speaker 1: are investigating what could really light your fire. That is great,
Speaker 1: that is still part of the master plan, that is
Speaker 1: still progress forward. I really want to wipe away, get
Speaker 1: rid of this idea that when you start over you
Speaker 1: have to know exactly what you need and what you
Speaker 1: want from the get go. This is a time where
Speaker 1: you can really shake things up. You can change your priorities,
Speaker 1: you can reinvent yourself. So when you're putting together a
Speaker 1: master plan, maybe it's like a vision, a visual timeline
Speaker 1: of where you want to be in six months, with
Speaker 1: pictures with words, with different themes. Make sure that you
Speaker 1: leave some space also just to explore. Also embrace a
Speaker 1: growth versus fixed mindset in this moment, a growth mindset.
Speaker 1: This was first described by the psychologist Carold Work, and
Speaker 1: it's this real belief that our abilities, our intelligence, our
Speaker 1: talent can be developed over time through effort, through learning,
Speaker 1: through perseverance. And this perspective really fosters resilience and it
Speaker 1: makes you curious. It makes empty space promising rather than restrictive,
Speaker 1: because you know that you can fill it. With things
Speaker 1: that you love and that you are capable of creating
Speaker 1: the life that you want because you are in control,
Speaker 1: you have agency. In contrast, a fixed mindset really is
Speaker 1: this belief that the parts about you that you want
Speaker 1: to change they're unchangeable. You can't grow, you can't change,
Speaker 1: you're not capable, and that leads to a real fear
Speaker 1: of failure and an avoidance of risk, and a tendency
Speaker 1: to just give up and revert to what is comfortable
Speaker 1: when we are faced with the unknown. Psychologically, a growth
Speaker 1: mindset is what we are after because it makes you
Speaker 1: better at responding to fear. It means that you're better
Speaker 1: at problem solving. It means that you are willing to learn.
Speaker 1: So when you are starting over in your twenties, what
Speaker 1: I want you to do, and the kind of growth
Speaker 1: mindset that I want you to adopt, is that you're
Speaker 1: going to view setbacks as opportunities for growth. You are
Speaker 1: going to approach new challenges with curiosity. You're going to think,
Speaker 1: not what do I have to be fearful of here?
Speaker 1: But what can I learn even within the fear? And
Speaker 1: I want you to understand that this is a process
Speaker 1: and that you are actually writing a very interesting story.
Speaker 1: You are not writing a story just with a beginning,
Speaker 1: a middle, and an end. You are writing a story
Speaker 1: with a plot. And I think that that is a
Speaker 1: much better way to think about it, and a much
Speaker 1: better attitude to bring to things, like I'm not looking
Speaker 1: for the easiest route. I'm looking for the route with
Speaker 1: the most experience and abundance and fucking fun, you know,
Speaker 1: and just cool stories and cool things that I get
Speaker 1: to show and tell people about when I'm older. Another
Speaker 1: thing I would really say to do if you've just
Speaker 1: gone through a breakup, if you've just quit a job
Speaker 1: that was toxic, if you're moving somewhere new soon, do
Speaker 1: something that represents this new era physically, something that feels
Speaker 1: psychologically symbolic. So a new tattoo, a new haircut, a
Speaker 1: wardrobe perge, something or other that is going to make
Speaker 1: you feel like every single part of you is in
Speaker 1: this new version of you, and is in this new
Speaker 1: beginning with you. That old version of you. We respect them,
Speaker 1: we love them. They've taught us so much. It's their
Speaker 1: time to rest. Like it's their time. It's time to
Speaker 1: say goodbye to them. This new chapter is coming with
Speaker 1: a fresh, new look, it's coming with a new attitude,
Speaker 1: and we're going to represent that physically. If comparison is
Speaker 1: also the thing that you are struggling with the most
Speaker 1: in this moment, and I totally understand that, it would
Speaker 1: be right. As I said, it's something that's built into
Speaker 1: our DNA as humans. I want you to make sure
Speaker 1: that any comparison statements you're making are not full sentences.
Speaker 1: So let me explain this a little bit further. When
Speaker 1: we have a tendency to compare, we might look at
Speaker 1: someone's life and go, oh, my gosh, she has everything.
Speaker 1: Her life is so perfect. I don't have that. But
Speaker 1: I want you to then take that sentence and expand it.
Speaker 1: I don't have that, but that doesn't mean I never
Speaker 1: will her. Her career looks so successful, and one day
Speaker 1: mine will look like that as well. I am so
Speaker 1: jealous of her, whatever it is her relationship because mine failed,
Speaker 1: But that doesn't mean that every future relationship of mine
Speaker 1: is going to fail. Their success does not inherently mean
Speaker 1: my failure. Not everything has to be a competition. Sometimes
Speaker 1: the lives of people that we admire most shows up
Speaker 1: through jealous see and instead of treating them as this
Speaker 1: person who we need to be threatened by. We can
Speaker 1: be inspired by them and say, huh, like, doesn't this
Speaker 1: just show me that this is capable, that I could
Speaker 1: do this. I'm sure they've experienced setbacks as well, and
Speaker 1: yet here they are finally surround yourself or reflect on
Speaker 1: examples of people who have started over and been successful
Speaker 1: in their twenties, and let me say, there's not many
Speaker 1: of them, because most people actually end up starting over
Speaker 1: later in their forties, in their fifties, Like, your twenties
Speaker 1: is still your genesis, it's still your origin story. This
Speaker 1: is still the first timeline you were living. I love
Speaker 1: to give the example actually of my mom. My mom
Speaker 1: is one of those people who I love hearing the
Speaker 1: story of how when she was in her twenties, she
Speaker 1: was kicked out of her university faculty for such poor grades.
Speaker 1: She did absolutely terribly and you know, it looks like
Speaker 1: she wasn't going to get a degree, but she went
Speaker 1: and she did other things. She quote unquote found herself,
Speaker 1: and she came back when she was older and wiser,
Speaker 1: and she gave it another go. And a lot of
Speaker 1: people were like, why are you doing that? You know
Speaker 1: you already failed once why are you trying this economics thing,
Speaker 1: this psychology thing for a second time. She ended up
Speaker 1: being the like valedictorian ducks of her class at university,
Speaker 1: and she went on to get this incredible grad job.
Speaker 1: Now she is literally a CEO. And I love to
Speaker 1: look at that story and say, you know, she was
Speaker 1: an immigrant and she I don't know, so I'm getting
Speaker 1: so inspired by my mum's story. But I love to
Speaker 1: look at that story and go, Wow, this is someone
Speaker 1: who I admire, who has made my life possible. And
Speaker 1: she did not have the easiest ride of things. And
Speaker 1: there were so many times where I'm sure she was
Speaker 1: looking at other people thinking I'm never going to be
Speaker 1: at their level, and yet she still found great success.
Speaker 1: Martha Stewart, Oh my god, you have to watch the
Speaker 1: Martha Stewart documentary if you haven't. But she didn't write
Speaker 1: her first cook until she was forty one, and that's
Speaker 1: what she's known for now. Steve Carrell, we love Steve Carrell.
Speaker 1: Michael in the Office. You know, he didn't have his
Speaker 1: big break until he was in his forties. Same with
Speaker 1: Harrison Ford. Most people do not find their greatest successes
Speaker 1: until later in life and they sure don't find themselves
Speaker 1: until later as well. So you have time. I promise
Speaker 1: you have so much time. You are so young, and
Speaker 1: the power of your twenties is that all of the
Speaker 1: possibility lays ahead of you. There is so much room
Speaker 1: for reinvention and to be able to start over. Also,
Speaker 1: there's less consequences. You know, you don't have kids yet,
Speaker 1: you may not have a mortgage, you don't have other
Speaker 1: huge things to take care of that become more pressing
Speaker 1: the older you get. You have more time in front
Speaker 1: of you than you have behind you. So I really
Speaker 1: want you to remember that when you are stressed or
Speaker 1: anxious about feeling like you failed the first time or
Speaker 1: you did get it right, because that again is part
Speaker 1: of the interesting story you are writing. And I think
Speaker 1: that is much more important than being able to say, yeah,
Speaker 1: I got it all right and did everything perfectly the
Speaker 1: first time, and I never made mistakes. Also means you
Speaker 1: never learned anything. So I hope this episode has provided
Speaker 1: you with some clarity, maybe just some peace, just a
Speaker 1: sense of like, Okay, it's all going to be okay.
Speaker 1: That is really all I hope for with any of
Speaker 1: these podcast episodes is just that you can hear the
Speaker 1: words and the voice of someone else in their twenties
Speaker 1: and go, Okay, it's not just me, because it definitely isn't.
Speaker 1: Make sure that if you enjoyed this episode, you share
Speaker 1: it with a friend, you share it on your Instagram
Speaker 1: story anywhere, and if you do, actually tag me. I
Speaker 1: love seeing the different parts of the world where people
Speaker 1: are listening. It's honestly one of my favorite parts of
Speaker 1: the day is being like, oh my gosh, someone in Kenya,
Speaker 1: someone in Breathels, someone in Bristol. So please feel free
Speaker 1: to share it over there. Make sure you are following
Speaker 1: along on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, and that you have
Speaker 1: left a five star review if you enjoyed this episode.
Speaker 1: Also drop a comment below if you have further thoughts
Speaker 1: about reinvention and starting revere in your twenties. I love
Speaker 1: to keep the conversation going there and I just love
Speaker 1: to hear from you guys. So until next time, stay safe,
Speaker 1: be kind, be gentle with yourself, especially if you are
Speaker 1: in these circumstances, and we will talk very very soon.