WEBVTT - Life Unplugged 0:00:01.880 --> 0:00:05.359 Wine Down with Janet Kramer, and I heard radio podcast. 0:00:06.360 --> 0:00:09.560 Hey guys, I feel like I just need to like, 0:00:10.400 --> 0:00:12.959 can we all just like take a deep breath? Yeah? 0:00:14.080 --> 0:00:24.640 One three? That was nice. It's good. Okay. So you 0:00:24.720 --> 0:00:27.360 guys ever have one of those days where this is 0:00:27.480 --> 0:00:31.200 this is my day. I had therapy today and I 0:00:31.280 --> 0:00:35.519 was very excited about therapy. I needed therapy. I was 0:00:35.600 --> 0:00:37.800 running a little late to therapy because I was writing, 0:00:37.960 --> 0:00:40.400 and then I was like, oh god, I gotta leave. 0:00:40.440 --> 0:00:41.720 I gotta go straight to therapy. So I go to 0:00:41.760 --> 0:00:43.519 therapy and I'm just rushing and I'm like thinking of 0:00:43.520 --> 0:00:45.919 all the things that I'm going to say. Sit in 0:00:45.920 --> 0:00:49.520 her office. She's not coming out to get me. Oh 0:00:49.520 --> 0:00:52.040 my god, this happened to me two weeks ago. Yes, 0:00:52.840 --> 0:00:57.920 go on, and I'm just like, I can't not today. 0:00:58.160 --> 0:01:00.279 I need her to walk out, like I really need 0:01:00.360 --> 0:01:05.039 to talk to her, right, But she's never late. I'm late, 0:01:05.959 --> 0:01:08.760 So like, I clearly have messed up the days. I've 0:01:08.800 --> 0:01:10.800 never done that before where I go into the office 0:01:10.800 --> 0:01:14.320 and then yeah, so I'm sitting there and I'm like, 0:01:14.480 --> 0:01:16.560 my poem was at twelve thirty I jet in at 0:01:16.560 --> 0:01:18.800 twelve thirty one. I'm like, okay, maybe she just like, 0:01:19.640 --> 0:01:22.800 you know, totally, she she knows me, so she's gonna 0:01:22.800 --> 0:01:25.560 come out like twelve. Well it's twelve forty. And I'm like, 0:01:26.280 --> 0:01:30.360 this is the wrong day. So I text her and 0:01:30.360 --> 0:01:32.480 I'm like, hey, Amy, like, I'm in your I'm in 0:01:32.520 --> 0:01:35.399 your waiting room. Um, I'm going to venture to say 0:01:35.440 --> 0:01:38.880 it's the wrong days since you're never late, um, so 0:01:39.280 --> 0:01:41.280 let me know how I screw this up. And if 0:01:41.280 --> 0:01:42.520 it's in an hour, I won't be there because I 0:01:42.560 --> 0:01:45.840 got a podcast, so um. But then I get into 0:01:45.880 --> 0:01:47.960 my car and I just like start crying, you know, 0:01:48.520 --> 0:01:50.760 just because I was like, I really need it, and 0:01:50.880 --> 0:01:53.760 I think it's I think I'm pre menstrual. Have you 0:01:53.800 --> 0:01:58.240 started yet, I mean pre pre Yeah. You looked at 0:01:58.280 --> 0:02:03.559 me Wed it just sounds strange. No, I'm already off. 0:02:03.600 --> 0:02:06.480 We're like not on the same anymore. That's weird. Usually 0:02:06.480 --> 0:02:08.800 we were the same. So I think I just was like, 0:02:09.520 --> 0:02:12.320 I don't know. So yeah, I just was like started 0:02:12.360 --> 0:02:15.240 crying and then driving home and now I just feel 0:02:15.280 --> 0:02:23.400 like I'm bummed. I'm sorry. That's okay, Mark, Yeah that's 0:02:23.400 --> 0:02:25.600 a bummer. When I did it, it was an hour 0:02:25.680 --> 0:02:29.880 off so I sat there for an hour. So now 0:02:29.960 --> 0:02:32.320 you're in a weird headspace. Now I'm the worst lot 0:02:32.360 --> 0:02:35.840 of stuff to unload. But now I'm frazzled, which is 0:02:35.840 --> 0:02:38.560 why I needed to take a deep breath. But now 0:02:38.639 --> 0:02:40.400 I'm like, it's one of those things where I was like, 0:02:40.400 --> 0:02:42.360 I don't even know what I'm crying. That's the worst. 0:02:42.360 --> 0:02:44.240 But I'm like crying right now. I know I can 0:02:44.280 --> 0:02:54.840 stop talk about this is why a woman can't be president. No, 0:02:55.000 --> 0:02:57.440 but I'm serious, like, I'm like crying out of nowhere. 0:02:57.480 --> 0:03:00.839 Now is it out of wear or is there something 0:03:00.840 --> 0:03:03.680 we can talk about? I think it's just like a 0:03:03.760 --> 0:03:06.760 lot of things. And then it's like but most most 0:03:06.880 --> 0:03:09.200 likely it's the a lot of things, which I always 0:03:09.200 --> 0:03:12.520 can handle like a boss, but when you add a 0:03:12.600 --> 0:03:16.560 menstrual cycle pre menstrual cycle, it just throws it all 0:03:16.760 --> 0:03:19.360 for a loop. Like I'm about right a bomb Russia 0:03:19.480 --> 0:03:31.040 right now? You know, definitely. So, But to Catherine's point, 0:03:31.040 --> 0:03:33.280 is there anything that we can help you, anything you 0:03:33.280 --> 0:03:38.119 can unload right now? That's not to therapy specific therapy 0:03:38.240 --> 0:03:41.320 specific like what about your week? What's been some stresses 0:03:41.360 --> 0:03:47.280 from the week, um stresses from my week? So I 0:03:47.320 --> 0:03:50.720 think I meant know some of this, so I was 0:03:50.840 --> 0:03:53.160 up for or you know, I got asked to do 0:03:53.200 --> 0:03:56.600 a movie and I'm going to do it. But it's just, um, 0:03:56.600 --> 0:03:58.400 it's a lot of like moving parts, and now that 0:03:58.480 --> 0:04:02.480 I have, you know, my ex involved, it's trying to 0:04:02.480 --> 0:04:05.360 figure that out and and I make the schedule, so 0:04:05.400 --> 0:04:07.680 it just becomes like I think, just like a lot 0:04:08.160 --> 0:04:11.960 of heaviness and pressure and I'm like, well, I don't 0:04:11.960 --> 0:04:13.760 really know what the schedule is gonna look like, and 0:04:13.840 --> 0:04:16.719 like we're not really on great terms, so it's hard. 0:04:16.839 --> 0:04:19.839 And then I think that's like where I'm like freaking out, 0:04:21.720 --> 0:04:23.680 and then I just get into that like spin where 0:04:23.720 --> 0:04:28.400 it just all like like combines in my body. And 0:04:28.400 --> 0:04:30.280 then now I'm here like where I'm crying and having 0:04:30.320 --> 0:04:33.320 a mental breakdown. But I'm fine. But again, I think 0:04:33.320 --> 0:04:35.800 it's just my period. But also, isn't it Is it 0:04:35.880 --> 0:04:37.920 helpful sometimes I don't think of a sign of weakness 0:04:37.920 --> 0:04:39.360 to every once in a while just kind of let 0:04:39.400 --> 0:04:43.080 it all out because it builds up after a while. Yeah, 0:04:43.440 --> 0:04:45.760 I agree with you, and you know, and she even 0:04:45.760 --> 0:04:47.680 says too, She's like, you know, because I'm like I'm 0:04:47.680 --> 0:04:49.760 trying to control it, and I'm trying not to control, 0:04:49.839 --> 0:04:52.880 but like I'm frustrated and I'm mad, and she's like, Okay, well, 0:04:52.920 --> 0:04:54.920 well well you know, we'll figure it out. It always 0:04:54.920 --> 0:04:57.120 gets figured out. I think I just put a lot 0:04:57.120 --> 0:05:01.080 of pressure on things, a lot of pressure in yourself. 0:05:01.120 --> 0:05:03.520 And I think right now, you're trying to not control, 0:05:04.520 --> 0:05:07.320 so you think you're not controlling. But if you're not controlling, 0:05:07.320 --> 0:05:09.279 that means it's not going to happen. But then that 0:05:09.320 --> 0:05:11.240 means that you are trying to control, you know. So 0:05:11.279 --> 0:05:13.800 it's just kind of this little mind game that's going on, 0:05:13.839 --> 0:05:16.040 I think for you right now. Yeah, And I told 0:05:16.080 --> 0:05:18.440 Katherine that in the car I go me focusing on 0:05:18.520 --> 0:05:22.560 not controlling is making me control more because I feel 0:05:22.560 --> 0:05:26.440 out of control by not controlling. So no, I'm really controlling. 0:05:26.880 --> 0:05:29.640 And I think maybe it feels a little different because 0:05:29.640 --> 0:05:31.719 you're making the schedule. Now. You would have been making 0:05:31.720 --> 0:05:35.520 the schedule anyways, even if you were married, because let's 0:05:35.520 --> 0:05:38.279 face it, moms do the schedules. They do the dentist appointments, 0:05:38.320 --> 0:05:40.000 they do the doctors, they do the school stuff, they 0:05:40.040 --> 0:05:42.280 do all of that. But I think when you're divorced, 0:05:42.360 --> 0:05:44.359 there's a little bit of a like wait a minute, 0:05:44.360 --> 0:05:45.840 I need you to help me now, Like I need 0:05:45.880 --> 0:05:47.840 you to help figure this out. And granted, I don't 0:05:47.839 --> 0:05:50.839 want him touching the schedule because there's like he doesn't 0:05:51.320 --> 0:05:53.640 like I guess because he doesn't know like what my 0:05:53.760 --> 0:05:56.360 movie schedule or what this or that the other for sure, 0:05:56.640 --> 0:06:02.080 But um, it's when it gets complicated is where I 0:06:02.480 --> 0:06:05.960 get really stressed out. And then I start to go, 0:06:06.560 --> 0:06:08.600 you know, to that that place, and then when I'm 0:06:08.600 --> 0:06:13.800 a week before my period, it's like not great. All right, 0:06:13.839 --> 0:06:15.600 We're going to bring on a girl that's definitely gonna 0:06:15.640 --> 0:06:17.680 lighten up the mood because I love following her on 0:06:17.720 --> 0:06:19.840 TikTok Um. So let's take a break and let's get 0:06:19.920 --> 0:06:33.720 Niki on. Alright, So Nicki mar is a. I mean, 0:06:33.720 --> 0:06:37.120 I'm gonna let her tell you because she's she's just badass. 0:06:37.200 --> 0:06:40.359 But she's so funny and I kind of have I 0:06:40.400 --> 0:06:42.080 don't kind of have, I have a girl crush on her. 0:06:42.120 --> 0:06:44.160 So let's bring her on and then she can explain 0:06:45.080 --> 0:06:47.640 all the ins and outs if her awesome. She's not 0:06:47.760 --> 0:06:50.080 like almost like two million fellars on TikTok Yeah, I 0:06:50.120 --> 0:06:55.159 was just looking at it Hi guys. Hi, I love 0:06:55.200 --> 0:06:59.120 your so cute. How are you? I'm good? How are 0:06:59.120 --> 0:07:02.160 you doing this? I know? Nice to meet you officially, 0:07:02.279 --> 0:07:05.840 because um, was it someone slid into my dams and 0:07:05.880 --> 0:07:07.400 then I slid into your d m Is that how 0:07:07.400 --> 0:07:11.760 it happened? Yes, yes, I think it was over the holidays. 0:07:12.000 --> 0:07:15.360 That's right about like changing the mindset about the holidays 0:07:15.400 --> 0:07:17.760 with your kids as a single moment. Yeah, um, this 0:07:17.800 --> 0:07:19.640 is my best friend Katherine. By the way, Hey, how 0:07:19.640 --> 0:07:22.280 are you. I've heard lots of you. I love your conversation. 0:07:23.440 --> 0:07:28.320 Was just keeping it real over here. Okay, so can 0:07:28.360 --> 0:07:30.440 you just like tell our wind down listeners who you 0:07:30.440 --> 0:07:35.000 are and just like because I I've you know, obviously 0:07:35.000 --> 0:07:37.600 I've Yes, I found you, that's right over Christmas time, 0:07:38.040 --> 0:07:39.640 But like I don't know like a lot about your 0:07:39.680 --> 0:07:42.240 journey because we always say like, oh, like you get 0:07:42.520 --> 0:07:44.480 part of my life, but then I'm like, well, what's yours? 0:07:44.520 --> 0:07:45.800 And then I'm like I don't want to dig too deep? 0:07:45.840 --> 0:07:48.520 So now we get to dig deep. So tell me, like, 0:07:49.240 --> 0:07:51.160 you know, you're obviously a single mom, but like, start 0:07:51.200 --> 0:07:54.600 from the beginning, go, no one's ever asked me that, Janus, 0:07:54.640 --> 0:07:59.000 So this is like the hot scene. I haven't been 0:07:59.040 --> 0:08:04.040 asked that I've been. And I went from let's see seventeen, 0:08:04.800 --> 0:08:10.320 I left a big, bad, boss, bitch corporate job which 0:08:10.360 --> 0:08:14.800 was I just couldn't which was what they I was with. Yes, 0:08:14.880 --> 0:08:17.960 I was out with Alex Sandanni jewelry company, very fast growing. 0:08:17.960 --> 0:08:20.640 I was like the first six employee, one of the 0:08:20.680 --> 0:08:24.520 first six employees there. So took the whole crazy ride upward, 0:08:25.360 --> 0:08:28.600 and I really thought, Oh my gosh, I'm going to 0:08:28.680 --> 0:08:31.800 be that woman who's got my kids, who's got the nanny, 0:08:31.880 --> 0:08:35.760 who's flying, who's traveling, who's doing all these big bad things. 0:08:36.600 --> 0:08:40.600 And and then I had my daughter and I got 0:08:40.600 --> 0:08:43.240 a big promotion after getting back from eternity leave with her, 0:08:43.240 --> 0:08:44.880 which I thought was unheard of. I was like, wait, 0:08:44.920 --> 0:08:47.160 what what are we doing? I have a baby at 0:08:47.160 --> 0:08:48.599 home and I just got back, and you want me 0:08:48.640 --> 0:08:53.080 to do all this great awesome and then, um, lots 0:08:53.320 --> 0:08:58.600 of different snippets of the motherhood journey, lots of miscarriages. Um, 0:08:58.600 --> 0:09:00.320 this is probably the first time I'm saying this public, 0:09:00.360 --> 0:09:03.199 but my son was a twin So the little boy 0:09:03.240 --> 0:09:06.760 with the glasses that is like all over my social 0:09:07.240 --> 0:09:09.760 he was a twin. I. I delivered a stillborn in 0:09:09.920 --> 0:09:14.080 June of so when I say it out loud, you 0:09:14.080 --> 0:09:16.280 know those moments you say things out loud and you're like, wait, 0:09:16.559 --> 0:09:18.600 did was that me? Was I in my body at 0:09:18.640 --> 0:09:21.080 that time? How did I get through that? But it's 0:09:21.080 --> 0:09:24.360 all ends up a beautiful story because he was a 0:09:24.440 --> 0:09:27.200 year old. I was doing the corporate thing, all these 0:09:27.240 --> 0:09:30.000 big promises from corporate about what they wanted me to be, 0:09:30.720 --> 0:09:33.679 and I just didn't feel like those were my dreams anymore. 0:09:34.520 --> 0:09:36.960 So I did the whole opposite of lean in. I 0:09:37.000 --> 0:09:39.360 was like, I want to lean back, like I want 0:09:39.360 --> 0:09:41.600 to be with my kids. I want to I felt 0:09:41.600 --> 0:09:44.440 weird about dropping them off in the morning and knowing 0:09:44.520 --> 0:09:46.520 someone else was going to pick them up at night 0:09:46.679 --> 0:09:50.840 from preschool and from daycare. Um, So I left corporate, 0:09:51.280 --> 0:09:55.760 started consulting. Everything was fine, everything was great. And then 0:09:55.840 --> 0:10:02.000 September of my husband in and I split up, and 0:10:02.080 --> 0:10:05.000 I was like, all right, this is it start and 0:10:05.040 --> 0:10:08.880 then just want COVID. COVID hit, which ended up being 0:10:08.960 --> 0:10:11.800 really hard but the best blessing. And I don't want 0:10:11.800 --> 0:10:14.920 to sound like eternal optimist, but the fact that everything 0:10:15.000 --> 0:10:18.800 was stripped like at once my career, my marriage, all 0:10:18.840 --> 0:10:21.720 the things that I thought like labeled me. Literally, I 0:10:21.800 --> 0:10:24.960 became my career, I became my life as a wife 0:10:24.960 --> 0:10:27.880 and a mom, and it all got stripped and it 0:10:27.920 --> 0:10:31.760 was the most beautiful, sad, crazy, emotional thing ever. And 0:10:31.800 --> 0:10:34.839 I'm still it's still happening. I'm still going through all 0:10:34.840 --> 0:10:37.480 those changes. So I went from I guess what the 0:10:37.480 --> 0:10:42.040 picture perfect, like what everybody wants is, to what I 0:10:42.160 --> 0:10:44.839 actually wanted was to just I want to be a mom. 0:10:44.920 --> 0:10:46.920 I want to be a mom and I make content 0:10:47.000 --> 0:10:49.400 and I've always been funny and goofy, even in the 0:10:49.440 --> 0:10:52.000 corporate seat. And it happened to be where I lost 0:10:52.000 --> 0:10:55.600 all my clients to Covid and I went on TikTok 0:10:55.720 --> 0:10:58.320 as an alias to just kind of play around with 0:10:58.360 --> 0:11:00.599 the app, and within six once I had over a 0:11:00.640 --> 0:11:05.040 million followers. So I think it was just everybody at 0:11:05.040 --> 0:11:08.360 that moment was looking for like authenticity. Right now, it's overused, 0:11:08.440 --> 0:11:12.680 it's like overplayed that were but authenticity was all I 0:11:12.679 --> 0:11:14.720 could show up as I didn't have a corporate job 0:11:14.760 --> 0:11:17.520 that I was worried about people seeing me and being 0:11:17.559 --> 0:11:20.480 too silly. I didn't have any friends that I knew 0:11:20.520 --> 0:11:23.000 I didn't no one was watching me. There Vicky unplugged 0:11:23.040 --> 0:11:25.440 with like a total alias, and then that's when I 0:11:25.480 --> 0:11:27.800 kind of came into myself and met this online world 0:11:27.840 --> 0:11:30.320 and realized there's other people going through the same stuff, 0:11:31.120 --> 0:11:33.800 and it was this beautiful world of connectivity, especially between 0:11:33.800 --> 0:11:36.640 moms and parents in general. What we were going through 0:11:36.679 --> 0:11:38.480 in the world at the time. Why did you and 0:11:38.520 --> 0:11:46.480 your husband course, I mean, well, let's put it this way. 0:11:46.520 --> 0:11:50.720 There's a lot of things that I could say, but 0:11:50.880 --> 0:11:59.559 we just were like compatibility and togetherness and communication. It 0:11:59.720 --> 0:12:02.240 just just you know, you look at the love languages 0:12:02.240 --> 0:12:04.240 and all those things. You try to figure it out, right, Hannah, 0:12:04.320 --> 0:12:07.240 Like you're always like, what went with what to get 0:12:07.280 --> 0:12:10.520 to this? And there are so many freaking factors, and 0:12:10.600 --> 0:12:14.680 I could say it's just it fell apart, but then 0:12:14.760 --> 0:12:17.120 I um, I asked for an absolute smack in the 0:12:17.120 --> 0:12:20.000 face sign literally prayed to my grandmother because I was 0:12:20.040 --> 0:12:22.559 going through the hamster wheel of like I'm always complaining, 0:12:22.960 --> 0:12:26.760 I'm always feeling unhappy, I'm always stealing alone. I'm starting 0:12:26.760 --> 0:12:29.760 to sound like a martyr. I do everything for my kids, 0:12:29.760 --> 0:12:31.920 and I'm throwing the birthday party and I'm there for like, 0:12:32.120 --> 0:12:34.360 I started sounding like the squeaky wheel that I didn't 0:12:34.360 --> 0:12:37.000 want to be. And I finally one day I said, 0:12:37.040 --> 0:12:41.920 Grandma's holy please like smack me deliberately in the face. 0:12:42.480 --> 0:12:45.480 And two weeks after that I got an absolute smack 0:12:45.520 --> 0:12:47.520 in the face and it was the answer. And when 0:12:47.520 --> 0:12:49.920 it all went down, I said, if you don't listen 0:12:49.960 --> 0:12:54.319 to this, you're praising nagain, like your batch crazy. So 0:12:54.360 --> 0:12:57.040 that was it, and I yeah, I mean i'd like 0:12:57.080 --> 0:12:59.400 for it to sound like a closed door easy journey. 0:12:59.400 --> 0:13:02.920 It's been a freaking roller coaster ride. And I identify 0:13:03.040 --> 0:13:05.480 so much every podcast when you guys are talking, I'm like, 0:13:05.520 --> 0:13:08.720 oh my god, oh my god, I get this me too. Well, 0:13:08.800 --> 0:13:12.599 it's it's interesting. Well, thank you for sharing that. Um, 0:13:12.760 --> 0:13:14.760 the smack in the facing is funny. I was actually 0:13:14.760 --> 0:13:16.839 just writing earlier. You know the amount of times that 0:13:16.880 --> 0:13:20.800 I've said then the last time was my exactly that quote. 0:13:20.840 --> 0:13:23.360 I said, God, just smack me in the face with it, 0:13:24.480 --> 0:13:28.120 literally smack me in the face. Because sometimes I've had 0:13:28.800 --> 0:13:31.320 I had plenty of signs and I prayed for plenty, 0:13:31.360 --> 0:13:33.600 plenty of signs. But that's why I was like the 0:13:33.920 --> 0:13:36.120 this was that really a sign? I need to be 0:13:36.160 --> 0:13:37.760 done done or is that a sign to like keep 0:13:37.800 --> 0:13:40.280 working on it or is that like you know, And 0:13:40.280 --> 0:13:43.720 that's why I was like literally smack me, like yeah, 0:13:44.840 --> 0:13:47.400 million times I was. I was enabling the whole thing 0:13:47.600 --> 0:13:50.800 because you know, you want to believe and I hear 0:13:50.840 --> 0:13:54.960 all this stuff. Now everybody's using labels of everybody's divorcing 0:13:54.960 --> 0:13:58.280 an narcissist right now in the whole world, right everybody's 0:13:58.280 --> 0:14:00.840 divorcing a narcissism and it's always the path. And I'm like, 0:14:01.200 --> 0:14:03.920 I'm just a really good person who believes in like 0:14:05.280 --> 0:14:08.319 that everything's going to work out. So I am very 0:14:08.360 --> 0:14:12.920 optimistic by nature. But wholy put an optimist in a 0:14:12.960 --> 0:14:16.080 downward spiral of a divorce and strip away all the 0:14:16.120 --> 0:14:19.000 things that you thought life was supposed to be and 0:14:19.080 --> 0:14:21.520 having kids was supposed to be, and that will send 0:14:21.560 --> 0:14:24.520 you for a real wild ride of like self awakening, 0:14:25.440 --> 0:14:28.160 you know, like rewriting that story. It's really really hard. 0:14:28.280 --> 0:14:31.520 It's easy to say it change your mind. I think 0:14:31.560 --> 0:14:34.400 that's what we connected on was Christmas Day I didn't 0:14:34.440 --> 0:14:37.840 have my kids, and I was like, holy how, I'm 0:14:37.840 --> 0:14:39.720 not okay with this. I don't want to go be 0:14:39.920 --> 0:14:42.520 with anybody, not even my parents. I just want to 0:14:42.560 --> 0:14:45.560 be alone and do nothing and be with my thoughts. 0:14:46.280 --> 0:14:48.120 If you told me that that's what my adulthood was 0:14:48.120 --> 0:14:51.400 going to be, like, I really that's depressing, But what's 0:14:51.400 --> 0:14:53.760 the alternative? So I think we're always playing with those 0:14:53.840 --> 0:14:57.120 like self discovery mode. I can hear that you do 0:14:57.160 --> 0:15:01.360 it too, and and I'm still trying to Ah. It's so. 0:15:01.560 --> 0:15:03.240 I was actually just talking to my boyfriend about this 0:15:03.280 --> 0:15:06.520 last night because I'm like, you know, he's got his 0:15:06.680 --> 0:15:08.840 reasons why his marriage didn't work, and I've got reasons 0:15:08.880 --> 0:15:11.480 why I'm you know, my marriage didn't work. And sometimes 0:15:11.480 --> 0:15:13.520 I get angry about it. But at the same time, 0:15:13.520 --> 0:15:16.680 I'm like, but yeah, and I don't know what's going 0:15:16.720 --> 0:15:21.080 to happen with me and I but like, but we're 0:15:21.120 --> 0:15:23.800 here now, and it's like it could be even great, 0:15:23.840 --> 0:15:26.200 better than anything we ever imagined. And then and then 0:15:26.200 --> 0:15:29.200 my therapist would say to like, well, if the cheating 0:15:29.240 --> 0:15:31.720 and all that stuff didn't happen, like, were you actually happy, 0:15:31.760 --> 0:15:33.160 and like do you think you would have made it work? 0:15:33.160 --> 0:15:34.880 And I'm like, I don't know, Like I would have 0:15:34.960 --> 0:15:38.760 loved the opportunity to try, but I don't know, but 0:15:38.760 --> 0:15:40.960 but I'm like, but I don't think so, Like it's 0:15:40.960 --> 0:15:44.000 just like trying to understand, like it's just marriage is 0:15:44.040 --> 0:15:46.480 just hard in general. But I don't, like, I don't 0:15:46.520 --> 0:15:49.440 know because it's a tough question. Yeah, because like we 0:15:49.440 --> 0:15:53.320 were so different. I I just I don't I'm like 0:15:53.480 --> 0:15:55.000 I always just said to him, like I wish I 0:15:55.000 --> 0:15:59.680 would have been given the opportunity to like not you know, 0:15:59.720 --> 0:16:03.080 because trolling or have these emotions or have that like 0:16:03.240 --> 0:16:06.920 taint our marriage because I don't know how it would 0:16:06.920 --> 0:16:09.640 have looked or have been different, right, And so then 0:16:09.680 --> 0:16:11.960 I get frustrated about that. But at the same time, like, 0:16:12.000 --> 0:16:13.320 but now I'm here and I'm happy and I've got 0:16:13.360 --> 0:16:16.160 two beautiful kids. But then again, I don't like co 0:16:16.280 --> 0:16:20.040 parenting with them. How's your co parenting situation going. It's 0:16:20.040 --> 0:16:24.000 really hard. It's hard. It's so hard. It's like I 0:16:24.040 --> 0:16:26.120 try to be the person that's not like going to 0:16:26.320 --> 0:16:30.240 nitpick the food options that he makes, right, And I'm like, 0:16:30.360 --> 0:16:32.600 I just don't just shut your mouth. Just control what 0:16:32.640 --> 0:16:34.760 you can control. And then I'm like, can you just 0:16:34.800 --> 0:16:37.440 teching that you know you can't help it, you can't 0:16:37.480 --> 0:16:40.440 help it. I'm not I'm not a Gray Rock person. 0:16:40.520 --> 0:16:43.560 I'm not going to put the stuff that happened to 0:16:43.640 --> 0:16:46.400 me and all of a sudden act different. Um. I 0:16:46.480 --> 0:16:53.920 recently switched divorce attorneys because everybody was telling me, you've 0:16:53.960 --> 0:16:56.600 got to protect yourself, you've got to get this, and 0:16:56.640 --> 0:16:58.200 you've got to get that, and like, I know that, 0:16:58.480 --> 0:17:02.360 but I'm still who I am. So my approach in 0:17:02.960 --> 0:17:06.439 attorneys and the court system shouldn't be anything but me, 0:17:07.560 --> 0:17:08.960 you know what I'm saying. So it was like I 0:17:09.000 --> 0:17:11.200 was having all these feelings in this anxiety and I'm like, 0:17:11.240 --> 0:17:14.120 why am I feeling so anxious? I'm like, because this 0:17:14.359 --> 0:17:18.760 attorney's approach is not my approach. It wouldn't be my approach. 0:17:19.080 --> 0:17:21.000 There's a way to get from A to Z, and 0:17:21.080 --> 0:17:23.040 it doesn't have to be this way. There's plenty of 0:17:23.080 --> 0:17:24.840 ways to get there. So I don't know if that 0:17:24.880 --> 0:17:27.960 makes sense. But I'm trying to just stay like really true, 0:17:28.000 --> 0:17:30.600 no matter how angry I am or how hurt I feel. 0:17:30.720 --> 0:17:32.760 Is trying to stay true to who I am. You know, 0:17:32.840 --> 0:17:34.960 I'll challenge you on that. I did yesterday and it 0:17:35.040 --> 0:17:40.280 was freaking crazy. Is I started video and I took 0:17:40.320 --> 0:17:43.800 my phone out and I recorded myself talking as if 0:17:43.800 --> 0:17:47.520 I was talking to a judge about who I am 0:17:47.520 --> 0:17:51.080 as a mother, and I said, I can't stand this 0:17:51.240 --> 0:17:55.360 system because here's who I am, Here's who I've always been. 0:17:55.400 --> 0:17:58.200 And I just started like bawling because I was describing 0:17:58.240 --> 0:18:00.000 myself as a mother and it was the most beautiful 0:18:00.040 --> 0:18:03.560 it to hear yourself like talk about yourself from almost 0:18:03.640 --> 0:18:06.919 the third person. It was beautiful. And I shared that 0:18:06.920 --> 0:18:10.280 with a friend and she said, have you ever written 0:18:10.320 --> 0:18:16.439 yourself an apology letter from him? That was? I did that? Who? No, 0:18:16.560 --> 0:18:19.280 I haven't. I'm gonna need to have a whole night 0:18:19.359 --> 0:18:23.080 to myself for that. But it's just, yeah, that letter 0:18:23.320 --> 0:18:25.159 is like one of the greatest things you can do 0:18:25.200 --> 0:18:28.479 with my therapist because you know, you'll probably never get 0:18:28.520 --> 0:18:31.640 the apology. I'll never get the apology that we truly want. 0:18:31.680 --> 0:18:34.520 And so my therapist said, write it in his words. 0:18:34.560 --> 0:18:37.920 And to this day I still reread it sometimes because 0:18:39.840 --> 0:18:43.720 it helps. I don't know, it's just like it's crazy, 0:18:43.800 --> 0:18:47.720 but it definitely helps. Um, what is what do you think? 0:18:47.760 --> 0:18:53.159 For you? Has been like kind of UM, you're saving 0:18:53.200 --> 0:18:56.760 grace to stay positive when it's when it's you know, 0:18:56.760 --> 0:18:59.040 when you're having a tough day where you want to 0:18:59.080 --> 0:19:00.840 get angry because like my thing is now, I'm like, 0:19:00.880 --> 0:19:02.600 I don't really like I don't I don't want to 0:19:02.600 --> 0:19:04.920 be angry at him anymore. I want to just get 0:19:05.080 --> 0:19:07.920 right with me and be at peace with me. Yeah, 0:19:08.640 --> 0:19:12.320 the biggest savior has been me because I was the 0:19:12.320 --> 0:19:15.600 little kid whose parents got divorced. So I think I 0:19:15.600 --> 0:19:18.960 can see things differently because of that. And I now 0:19:19.040 --> 0:19:22.040 have this online community of women who come to me. 0:19:23.480 --> 0:19:25.320 I'm like, I don't know anything, but I'll just be 0:19:25.520 --> 0:19:29.159 here for you, you know. Um. But there was a woman, 0:19:30.000 --> 0:19:32.879 she's one that kind of connected us. She sent me 0:19:32.920 --> 0:19:34.840 your stuff and she sent my stuff to you, and 0:19:34.920 --> 0:19:40.040 I was like, um, and she asked me about her 0:19:40.359 --> 0:19:42.240 like mothering her what her daughter was kind of going 0:19:42.280 --> 0:19:44.919 through with their split, and I just put myself in 0:19:45.000 --> 0:19:46.920 the daughter's shoes. And she's like, oh my gosh, I've 0:19:46.960 --> 0:19:49.440 never thought of it like that. I'm always thinking about 0:19:49.440 --> 0:19:51.160 what I can do better, but you just put me 0:19:51.640 --> 0:19:53.520 in the body of my daughter to kind of go 0:19:53.640 --> 0:19:56.280 through what emotion she's feeling. So I was that little kid. 0:20:06.760 --> 0:20:09.720 How old were you when your parents split? Like three? Okay? 0:20:09.760 --> 0:20:12.359 So what did your parents do right? Because my parents 0:20:12.359 --> 0:20:15.479 didn't split to the I was fourteen or thirteen fourteen, 0:20:15.560 --> 0:20:17.720 So what did your parents do at that age that 0:20:17.960 --> 0:20:19.640 you can look back and go like, okay, they did 0:20:19.640 --> 0:20:25.160 that right. What they did right is they completely put 0:20:25.200 --> 0:20:27.920 their hands up and let my grandparents do a ton. 0:20:28.840 --> 0:20:30.760 And those were the days. I mean, I'm forty four, 0:20:30.840 --> 0:20:33.240 so the eighties was when you were growing up. You 0:20:33.240 --> 0:20:34.919 were outside, you were playing with your friends. All the 0:20:34.920 --> 0:20:36.520 things that we talked about now that's like, oh my god, 0:20:36.640 --> 0:20:39.439 childhood then it was so different. It was, and I 0:20:39.440 --> 0:20:42.400 feel like grandparents were made to be just grandparents then, 0:20:42.520 --> 0:20:45.040 Like I don't remember my grandparents not ever being available, 0:20:45.560 --> 0:20:48.280 Like their social calendar was like they were home and 0:20:48.320 --> 0:20:50.240 the news was on. So I will say my my 0:20:50.320 --> 0:20:53.200 parents didn't feel they were very young, so I don't 0:20:53.240 --> 0:20:56.720 think they felt that need to let control me as 0:20:56.760 --> 0:20:59.240 a parent. So it was like they let me do 0:20:59.400 --> 0:21:01.719 my thing. I grew up very independent. I was at 0:21:01.760 --> 0:21:03.879 my grandparents, I was at my friend's house. I was 0:21:03.920 --> 0:21:06.720 always like the odd man out. I was hanging out, 0:21:06.760 --> 0:21:08.840 going on ski trips with my friends. FAMI. What about 0:21:08.840 --> 0:21:11.200 like birthdays and stuff like did you celebrate it with 0:21:11.200 --> 0:21:12.760 your mom and dad or did you do have joint 0:21:12.760 --> 0:21:15.119 ones or I mean separate ones. No, it was usually with. 0:21:15.280 --> 0:21:17.359 It was usually with Like my grandparents would host it 0:21:17.359 --> 0:21:20.440 and it would be like one parent or the other. Date. 0:21:20.840 --> 0:21:25.080