1 00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:05,039 Speaker 1: Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rt An iHeartRadio podcast. 2 00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:10,840 Speaker 2: Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in. Scrub a dub dub. 3 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:14,840 Speaker 2: We have a returning scrubbing in guest who you all 4 00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:15,920 Speaker 2: know Anne Love. 5 00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:19,240 Speaker 1: Yes, she has scrubbed in before. Her name is Hannah Brown. 6 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:20,360 Speaker 3: Hannah Brown. 7 00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:24,960 Speaker 2: She is formerly the Bachelorette, now an engaged woman. 8 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:27,880 Speaker 1: She also is a New York Times best selling author, 9 00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:29,640 Speaker 1: a podcast host. 10 00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:32,519 Speaker 2: She does it all and we are so privileged to 11 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,960 Speaker 2: have her sitting across from us in today's episode of 12 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:42,120 Speaker 2: scrubbing In. So everybody, welcome back, Hannannana Brown, Hannah. 13 00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:47,680 Speaker 3: Brown, Hi, God, back in ther I'm so glad to 14 00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:51,160 Speaker 3: be here. Just you know, two brides this time. 15 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:53,240 Speaker 4: Wow, what a journey. 16 00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:55,120 Speaker 3: Yeah, but we're here, We're here. 17 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:57,480 Speaker 4: I mean I don't even feel like a bride quite 18 00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:02,960 Speaker 4: yet because I've done nothing. But yeah, excuse me, I've 19 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:03,920 Speaker 4: done way more. 20 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,920 Speaker 3: I think it sounds like it. What have you done? 21 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:09,840 Speaker 3: A wedding planner? Okay? 22 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:16,400 Speaker 4: And I started a list, but then that created immense anxiety. 23 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:21,319 Speaker 4: So then I made a few more and still haven't 24 00:01:21,319 --> 00:01:27,319 Speaker 4: decided quite which list is making it And Guestless and 25 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:32,440 Speaker 4: then I have started looking well, the wedding planner has 26 00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:36,440 Speaker 4: started sending me uh, locations to look at, and I 27 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:38,320 Speaker 4: put them all on a map to see because I'm 28 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:41,480 Speaker 4: thinking international. So I've been putting on a mask. I 29 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:43,920 Speaker 4: went down this journey as well. Did we end up 30 00:01:43,959 --> 00:01:44,520 Speaker 4: not doing it? 31 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:44,920 Speaker 3: No? 32 00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:49,040 Speaker 4: I see, I'm like having all these like I'm questioning 33 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:51,440 Speaker 4: it at all. But right now all we have is 34 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:54,960 Speaker 4: on Google Maps, all the stars, O where the places are. 35 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:59,320 Speaker 2: That feels like something anyone doing that, so it feels good, 36 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:00,520 Speaker 2: It feels like productive. 37 00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:04,400 Speaker 4: I don't think it's actually like I just want I 38 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:09,520 Speaker 4: want to make sure wherever we get married if we 39 00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:12,760 Speaker 4: do international, which then I went into a tail spin 40 00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:15,200 Speaker 4: about that. But if we still end up doing that, 41 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:19,400 Speaker 4: it's close to a major city enough, right, so that 42 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:20,440 Speaker 4: people have things to do. 43 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:23,720 Speaker 3: Yeah, I see, that's why I started starring them. Yes, 44 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:24,200 Speaker 3: I see. 45 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,280 Speaker 4: Yes, we spalked about three or four months planning a 46 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:33,760 Speaker 4: whole wedding in Italy just to come back to Los Angeles, California. Wait, 47 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:37,320 Speaker 4: what was what made you decide to change it? I 48 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:38,760 Speaker 4: don't want to send you down a spiral. 49 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:39,640 Speaker 3: You can just go ahead. 50 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:42,640 Speaker 4: I'm already like I'm on the cusp of it. 51 00:02:42,639 --> 00:02:44,679 Speaker 3: It's a lot. There's a lot of there was a 52 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:47,880 Speaker 3: lot of folds. Her best friend. Yeah, her best friend. 53 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:49,760 Speaker 4: Is getting married in Europe, and so she was telling 54 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:53,239 Speaker 4: me all the like calms of it of like it's 55 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:55,760 Speaker 4: just a lot to ask of people. It's a lot, 56 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:57,760 Speaker 4: Like it's just like a lot of headache to just 57 00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,280 Speaker 4: do it somewhere else. 58 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:01,079 Speaker 3: So like that really got to me. 59 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:03,600 Speaker 1: Also, the scheduling of it was really we have a 60 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:05,200 Speaker 1: lot of kids in our family, so we had to 61 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:09,160 Speaker 1: do it around school and breaks, and like with my work, 62 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:11,640 Speaker 1: it was just it was all the scheduling was just 63 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,160 Speaker 1: like too much that I was like, this is just 64 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:14,040 Speaker 1: too much headache. 65 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:17,480 Speaker 3: I'm done with it. I totally get that. 66 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:21,560 Speaker 4: I in therapy, I realized my wound is I always 67 00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:24,280 Speaker 4: feel like a burden, yes, And so asking people to 68 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:29,480 Speaker 4: come to my wedding in a different country is really 69 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:32,480 Speaker 4: triggering sharing me, even though that's where I want to be. 70 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:34,240 Speaker 3: I didn't know I had that wound, but I have 71 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:34,840 Speaker 3: that wound too. 72 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:38,080 Speaker 4: Yes, I don't know, but nobody's gonna come unless they 73 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,640 Speaker 4: want to come. Exact in my mind, I'm like, why 74 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,520 Speaker 4: am I putting that pressure or that burden on somebody 75 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:46,160 Speaker 4: to spend thousands of dollars. Yes, take time out of 76 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:48,880 Speaker 4: their day, take work off. Yes, just for me to say, 77 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:53,040 Speaker 4: I do totally. I think for me because Adams from Oklahoma, 78 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:54,920 Speaker 4: I'm from Alabama. We live in Tennessee, but we met 79 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:58,680 Speaker 4: here in Los Angeles. It's like everybody's going to have 80 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:00,880 Speaker 4: to go somewhere for us, and I don't think I 81 00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:02,920 Speaker 4: want to get married in Alabama. We're definitely not get 82 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:07,520 Speaker 4: married in Oklahoma. Tennessee doesn't quite feel like the place 83 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,840 Speaker 4: for like where I want to get married and everybody 84 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:13,040 Speaker 4: would have and like so it would be like California 85 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:16,960 Speaker 4: or international, and I'm just like, I kind of want 86 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:17,640 Speaker 4: to go international. 87 00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:20,040 Speaker 2: But Okay, y'all talked about this on the Valentine's Day 88 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:21,120 Speaker 2: episode of your podcast. 89 00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:23,280 Speaker 4: Yeah, we hadn't gone when did we say? 90 00:04:23,279 --> 00:04:24,800 Speaker 3: Then? Sorry? No, I'm sorry. 91 00:04:24,839 --> 00:04:28,880 Speaker 2: This was the post engagement podcast, which I think a 92 00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:29,680 Speaker 2: lot has changed. 93 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:33,560 Speaker 3: Yes, but you someone asked what. 94 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,320 Speaker 2: Kind of wedding you wanted, and y'all were kind of like, 95 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:38,119 Speaker 2: we haven't even gone there, yes, but he was saying, 96 00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,520 Speaker 2: it's more about who's there, and you were kind of 97 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:43,640 Speaker 2: more like, I want something intimate destination, he wants a 98 00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:44,119 Speaker 2: big wedding. 99 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:48,000 Speaker 4: Has that it's changed, Oh, definitely. He's also on my 100 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:51,920 Speaker 4: side of like it needs to be about us. Yes, 101 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:55,640 Speaker 4: I think he has that same. He definitely feels the 102 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:59,720 Speaker 4: burden thing and wants to like accommodate everyone. Yeah, even 103 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:03,440 Speaker 4: more so then I do. And I think he was 104 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:07,479 Speaker 4: having a hard time like really doing like saying what 105 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:09,799 Speaker 4: he actually wanted or where we felt the most connected 106 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:15,479 Speaker 4: because of being scared it's an international or somewhere that 107 00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:18,279 Speaker 4: was more of an inconvenience or some of our family. 108 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:22,200 Speaker 4: So now we've really gotten to a place of like 109 00:05:22,279 --> 00:05:25,680 Speaker 4: this is a celebration of like our love, So like 110 00:05:25,839 --> 00:05:29,440 Speaker 4: it should be like the thing, the thing that feels 111 00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:31,560 Speaker 4: the best, the most connected for us. 112 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:31,960 Speaker 3: Yeah. 113 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:34,840 Speaker 4: Yeah, and we the people who love us are going 114 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:37,040 Speaker 4: to want that for us on our wedding day and 115 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:39,440 Speaker 4: they want to celebrate that. Yeah, they don't want to 116 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:43,360 Speaker 4: celebrate it sucks. People want to go to a wedding 117 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:47,040 Speaker 4: and like really be like rooting for this relationship, believing 118 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:50,800 Speaker 4: in this relationship and want it to feel connecting and 119 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:54,560 Speaker 4: see that in the couple that they're supporting. So why 120 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:58,600 Speaker 4: don't we do everything to create that environment and he's 121 00:05:58,640 --> 00:05:59,640 Speaker 4: down now he's like, oh. 122 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:03,560 Speaker 2: Oh wow, Okay, can we go back to a few months, 123 00:06:04,279 --> 00:06:08,200 Speaker 2: almost a year ago getting up to you right, so. 124 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:13,400 Speaker 1: To say sorry, don't want to rush it. 125 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,600 Speaker 3: Six months you get engaged. 126 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:19,080 Speaker 2: You tell the story about the engagement on your podcast 127 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:27,719 Speaker 2: with Adam, and it's a very real and honest story. 128 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:29,279 Speaker 3: Yeah, there's no fluff. 129 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:33,719 Speaker 2: It's very not what you expect based on what we 130 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:37,520 Speaker 2: saw on Instagram. Yes, can you talk about the engagement 131 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:39,880 Speaker 2: a little bit because you you talked about your anxiety 132 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:44,240 Speaker 2: where you were at mentally, and I cannot imagine being 133 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:46,279 Speaker 2: in that headspace and making a decision like that. 134 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:48,400 Speaker 3: So I wanted to hear hear you talk about it. 135 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:55,560 Speaker 4: Yeah, it was really tough, and I know that I have, 136 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:59,440 Speaker 4: like all, I was going through a lot at that point. Also, 137 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:07,920 Speaker 4: like I mean I like contact, there was a lot 138 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:09,880 Speaker 4: actually like other stuff going on, Like I had just 139 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:11,560 Speaker 4: changed like medications. 140 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:14,040 Speaker 3: There was like a lot. 141 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:17,880 Speaker 4: Happening to make my anxiety, like through the roof, I 142 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:19,040 Speaker 4: change medications. 143 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:22,080 Speaker 3: That can that's like yeah, yeah. 144 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:26,760 Speaker 4: And Adam also he had planned this like really sweet 145 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:31,320 Speaker 4: thing with other people coming and so it was He's 146 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:33,920 Speaker 4: really had to work on that of like, oh, like 147 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:36,880 Speaker 4: I was, so I started to worry about what other 148 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,080 Speaker 4: people would feel if I said, oh, actually I need 149 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:42,120 Speaker 4: to change this, versus really being able to sit in 150 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:45,600 Speaker 4: like the uncomfortableness of oh maybe this is like she's 151 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:50,480 Speaker 4: really struggling right now. And it made it to where 152 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,280 Speaker 4: it was like I wanted of course, I was like 153 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:57,880 Speaker 4: gonna say yeah, yes, but it was more like my 154 00:07:57,960 --> 00:07:59,760 Speaker 4: therapist just told me not to make a biggest any 155 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:03,160 Speaker 4: life like big life decisions right now. That's what she 156 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:06,200 Speaker 4: had told me literally a few days before. And then 157 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:08,240 Speaker 4: I told him literally a few days before he was 158 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,960 Speaker 4: planning on being engaged, that she told me that, so 159 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:13,600 Speaker 4: like it was just like chaos. Then I'm like, I 160 00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:15,400 Speaker 4: just did exactly what she told me not to do, 161 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:17,640 Speaker 4: but like I'm not going to say no. 162 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:22,560 Speaker 3: But also this is just it was just weird. 163 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:25,760 Speaker 4: Timing, and so it was, Yeah, it was just a 164 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:28,120 Speaker 4: tough time. And I think I've talked to a lot 165 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:30,800 Speaker 4: of people now, especially me, like being very honest. 166 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,600 Speaker 3: About how I actually felt. 167 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:37,600 Speaker 4: This happens to so many people, especially if you have 168 00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:41,200 Speaker 4: like commitment stuff or just like had relationships in the 169 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:46,000 Speaker 4: past that like really affected you. It's like this is 170 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,400 Speaker 4: what you this is what I want. But there's still 171 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:51,680 Speaker 4: a fear of making a huge lifelong decision like I have. 172 00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:55,800 Speaker 4: I have fears deciding what sandwich I want for lunch, 173 00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,840 Speaker 4: and I'll go back and forth, back and forth and 174 00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:00,400 Speaker 4: be like, I don't know, I shouldn't Probably I've gotten 175 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,200 Speaker 4: that I should have actually asked for the sauce of 176 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:09,560 Speaker 4: so like this type of uh, like commitment is is 177 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,280 Speaker 4: going to like trigger an anxiety in me? 178 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:17,720 Speaker 3: And so, yeah, it was, it was. Actually it was tough. 179 00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:22,280 Speaker 4: But man, we have gotten so connected since then because 180 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:25,040 Speaker 4: it really allowed us to like work on some of 181 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,319 Speaker 4: those big wounds that I didn't even know why it 182 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:30,760 Speaker 4: made me react the way that I did, And we're 183 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:33,400 Speaker 4: in like such a good space now, But it was, 184 00:09:33,559 --> 00:09:35,640 Speaker 4: it was, it was a ride for a little bit. 185 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:38,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, I was wondering because you talked about how you 186 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:41,000 Speaker 2: felt unlovable and that you almost had resentment towards him. 187 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:43,160 Speaker 2: I've never heard someone say that, which I was like, oh, 188 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:49,679 Speaker 2: that is such a deep rooted admission but also self 189 00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:52,320 Speaker 2: awareness to be able to admit that. But you said 190 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:54,840 Speaker 2: you had resentment towards him, that he was able to 191 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:55,280 Speaker 2: love you. 192 00:09:55,559 --> 00:10:03,400 Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm very avoidant and when somebody Adam is avoidant too. Yeah, 193 00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:07,000 Speaker 4: we're both avoidant, so it makes it tough tough to 194 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:11,160 Speaker 4: actually like had those conversations. We never really fault. We 195 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:14,679 Speaker 4: didn't know how to like have. We would both just 196 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:17,880 Speaker 4: like kind of move on and get over it type thing. 197 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:23,360 Speaker 4: And he's been with me and my worst like absolute worst, 198 00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:27,120 Speaker 4: and it, Yeah, it really made me. 199 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:30,720 Speaker 3: Feel like why do you want to be with me? 200 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:34,560 Speaker 4: Like I am so messed up and you're still choosing 201 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,920 Speaker 4: to like be with me through all this, And yeah, 202 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:39,120 Speaker 4: it was hard because I'm like, I don't even like me? 203 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:39,920 Speaker 3: Why do you like me? 204 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,160 Speaker 4: There must be something wrong with you, you know. And 205 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:48,680 Speaker 4: we had I think in the podcast we talked about this, 206 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:51,560 Speaker 4: like he looked at me one day and he was like, 207 00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:55,959 Speaker 4: what did he say? I'm trying to think of how 208 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:59,079 Speaker 4: it got into there. He was like, I know, Oh. 209 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:01,520 Speaker 4: I told him that I'm like I feel unlovable and 210 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:04,000 Speaker 4: he was like, well, I don't want you to. You 211 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,880 Speaker 4: shouldn't treat me any different because I know that I'm 212 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:08,760 Speaker 4: the one that's right, like you are lovable and like 213 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:12,400 Speaker 4: I want to be with you, and I want to 214 00:11:12,559 --> 00:11:15,440 Speaker 4: like learn how to work through all this with you, 215 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:18,560 Speaker 4: And then we started go into couple's therapy and like 216 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:21,040 Speaker 4: really being able to figure out, Oh why do this 217 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:24,880 Speaker 4: because I'm like super avoidant and feel like I'm trying 218 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:28,120 Speaker 4: to save somebody from being with me because I am 219 00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:31,439 Speaker 4: just like too much to handle. Like, if you really 220 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:33,839 Speaker 4: knew me, you wantn't want to be my friend, you 221 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:34,640 Speaker 4: wantn't want to be. 222 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,840 Speaker 3: In a relation? Is that? What is that? I'm trying 223 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:40,640 Speaker 3: to imagine you at your worst? Like what does that mean? Yeah? 224 00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:44,120 Speaker 4: I mean I guess it's I think just like I 225 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:49,760 Speaker 4: really struggle with my depression and anxiety, and of course, 226 00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:52,320 Speaker 4: like people don't, I don't share that like I do. 227 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:55,960 Speaker 4: I go. I isolate so much. I'm such an isolator, 228 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:58,600 Speaker 4: like I'm not going to talk to anybody. I'm going 229 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:04,120 Speaker 4: to be by myself, just getting super anxious about anything. 230 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:06,400 Speaker 4: And so that's really hard to be able to connect 231 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:11,959 Speaker 4: with somebody, to be to create intimacy in any shape 232 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:15,200 Speaker 4: or fashion, like just being able to like have a 233 00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:20,160 Speaker 4: connecting conversation, being able to want to sit close to somebody. 234 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:24,360 Speaker 4: I'm like, just everybody get away from me because there's 235 00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:28,160 Speaker 4: something there's some belief that I think there's like something 236 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:33,920 Speaker 4: inherently broken about me. I am, I am so much 237 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:37,600 Speaker 4: more secure than I was. Then that's like attachment theory 238 00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:39,560 Speaker 4: is kind of what I'm learning all about is just 239 00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:43,120 Speaker 4: like like obsessed with the toy. And yeah, so I 240 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:46,440 Speaker 4: don't know exactly where that comes from. Actually, I mean 241 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,760 Speaker 4: I kind of do. It's like it makes sense for 242 00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:55,520 Speaker 4: my childhood. But yeah, he has a similar wound. And 243 00:12:55,559 --> 00:12:57,400 Speaker 4: so it's been so cool to be able to recognize 244 00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,840 Speaker 4: that and then to be able to actually like help 245 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,200 Speaker 4: you each other and these beliefs that we have about 246 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:07,559 Speaker 4: ourselves and continuing to like prove each other wrong. One 247 00:13:07,559 --> 00:13:09,720 Speaker 4: of the things that therapist says that I love that 248 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,640 Speaker 4: She's like a lot of people would rather be right 249 00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:15,840 Speaker 4: and then be happy. So if I can keep proving 250 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:19,520 Speaker 4: that I'm a burden or I'm too much like at 251 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:24,000 Speaker 4: least that that's fitting the narrative in my head instead 252 00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:27,760 Speaker 4: of like working on that changing that so that I 253 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:31,360 Speaker 4: can be happy. That was like a hard shift for me, 254 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:33,760 Speaker 4: but we've been doing it and it's been great. 255 00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:36,480 Speaker 2: Did Okay, so you said that comes from childhood, but 256 00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,840 Speaker 2: did did your time on the as a bachelorette and 257 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,800 Speaker 2: not time post bachelorette. 258 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:44,920 Speaker 3: True, definitely hands to the surface. 259 00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:48,559 Speaker 4: Yeah, I think all that of course, like in relationship 260 00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:52,720 Speaker 4: was definitely brought up, and I would I had. I 261 00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:54,520 Speaker 4: had been single for like a year before I was 262 00:13:54,559 --> 00:13:57,840 Speaker 4: on the Bachelor, but I had had a lot of 263 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:01,320 Speaker 4: stuff happened in my relationships for that too, So there 264 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:05,640 Speaker 4: was just a lot of like stuff that had never 265 00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:10,440 Speaker 4: really been he'll discuss talked about. And it was just 266 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:13,760 Speaker 4: like one thing after another after another after another. Even 267 00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:16,520 Speaker 4: when I met Adam, Like I wasn't wanting anything serious 268 00:14:16,559 --> 00:14:19,920 Speaker 4: because I was like, I'm not ready for that, but 269 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:23,680 Speaker 4: like he just loved me and just kept showing up 270 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:26,520 Speaker 4: and staying there even when I'm like why. 271 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:33,840 Speaker 2: So, yeah, it's so crazy hearing that from you because 272 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,760 Speaker 2: knowing you and like even just watching you as a 273 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:40,360 Speaker 2: bachelor atte, I felt like you were just the most lovable. 274 00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:44,480 Speaker 2: I feel like you're the most lovable, likable, like just so. 275 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:46,000 Speaker 3: Yeah, I think it's a beliefable. 276 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:54,000 Speaker 2: Well yeah, yeah, and so it's it's so eye opening 277 00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:57,200 Speaker 2: hearing someone like you that is so beloved by such 278 00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:01,640 Speaker 2: a honestly a pretty polarizing fan base. They can either yeah, 279 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:04,240 Speaker 2: want you to win or want you to crash and burn. 280 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,280 Speaker 3: Yeah, and you're so beloved. 281 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:08,240 Speaker 2: And so it's crazy to it's eye opening, I think 282 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:10,040 Speaker 2: for people to hear you talk about. 283 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:13,880 Speaker 3: This because it's like her, Yeah, she has everything. Yeah, And. 284 00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:18,880 Speaker 4: I think that's the thing. It's like, people could tell 285 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:22,880 Speaker 4: me I'm the best thing they've ever seen, and it's like, 286 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:24,880 Speaker 4: but what do I believe about myself? 287 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:25,640 Speaker 3: Like what are. 288 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,360 Speaker 4: I mean? Most of the time when I talk sometimes 289 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:31,200 Speaker 4: I'm like people are thinking I'm an actual idiot. 290 00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:31,360 Speaker 2: You know. 291 00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:36,360 Speaker 4: I have this like background soundtrack, but it's like press 292 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:40,360 Speaker 4: pause for just a second. So yeah, I've had to 293 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,520 Speaker 4: really work on that. And I've found, like I talk 294 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:46,480 Speaker 4: about therapy in every single conversation that I have. It's 295 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:51,560 Speaker 4: but I've really finally found somebody who has like a 296 00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:54,400 Speaker 4: forty minute therapy conversation. Is I'm not going to get 297 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:57,960 Speaker 4: there in actually getting down to like what I'm saying 298 00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,920 Speaker 4: to you guys now, like, oh no, I actually just 299 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:02,680 Speaker 4: didn't know how to love myself or I have all 300 00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:08,040 Speaker 4: these like limiting and beliefs about myself that have affected 301 00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:10,040 Speaker 4: the way that I've been able to be in relationships, 302 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:12,560 Speaker 4: be able to have love given to me, and so. 303 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:17,640 Speaker 3: I think it's important to share because like it can. 304 00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:20,880 Speaker 4: Look, I was really good at being able to present 305 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:25,960 Speaker 4: this way, but I was feeling something totally different and 306 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:30,120 Speaker 4: now might just presenting the truth. And I actually feel 307 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:33,320 Speaker 4: so much more lovable now. And I think there was 308 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:36,320 Speaker 4: always like joy in me, but I was also just 309 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:40,760 Speaker 4: that can sometimes not always balance out when you have 310 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,040 Speaker 4: all the other thoughts going on in the back of 311 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:47,280 Speaker 4: your head. But now I can actually like step into 312 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:50,239 Speaker 4: the joy and not worry about and get so anxious 313 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:53,600 Speaker 4: and worry about the next shoe to drop. But I 314 00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:56,320 Speaker 4: can actually like live in the joy in a way 315 00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:58,320 Speaker 4: that I haven't been able to before. But I had 316 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:01,760 Speaker 4: to get down to all those like the roots of 317 00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:05,160 Speaker 4: where all the hurt and pain started to be able 318 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:08,320 Speaker 4: to ever do that. And it's been it's been a 319 00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:12,600 Speaker 4: it's been a long season of trying to like. 320 00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:15,840 Speaker 3: Killing Yeah, I. 321 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:17,879 Speaker 2: Do feel like that's being from the South, because I 322 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:21,119 Speaker 2: know you of we had a conversation about just like 323 00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:24,800 Speaker 2: sweeping things under the rug and whether you're hurt or not, 324 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:27,399 Speaker 2: it's just about putting on a joyful face. God is 325 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:34,080 Speaker 2: good and like we didn't talk about therapy. Growing up, 326 00:17:34,119 --> 00:17:35,960 Speaker 2: that was never a thing where it was like, let's 327 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,879 Speaker 2: maybe go talk to a therapist if something is you 328 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:39,800 Speaker 2: know that no one talked about therapy, and so when 329 00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:42,359 Speaker 2: I started it, I was like, why aren't we talking 330 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:43,200 Speaker 2: about this more? 331 00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:46,320 Speaker 3: This is since this is so healing totally. 332 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:51,000 Speaker 4: I mean even now, I mean, who's that talking to? 333 00:17:52,359 --> 00:17:53,919 Speaker 4: Talking to your friend yesterday, He's like yeah, I mean 334 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:57,080 Speaker 4: like me and my brother, like he went down another 335 00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:58,680 Speaker 4: a different path of me. It was more like the 336 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:01,320 Speaker 4: rebellious one, and like I was the one that felt 337 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:06,040 Speaker 4: like I had to have everything together, and both of 338 00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:10,600 Speaker 4: us had our own like breakdowns, and we've both gone 339 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:14,000 Speaker 4: to therapy and we're like talk about it, and my parents. 340 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:15,840 Speaker 3: Just are like, oh gosh, that's just. 341 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:20,080 Speaker 4: Y'all can do that, but like I'm not doing I'm 342 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:23,159 Speaker 4: not doing that, and we'll kind of like not. I 343 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,040 Speaker 4: think they've gotten a little bit better, but I think 344 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:27,480 Speaker 4: it like just scares them because I don't think they're 345 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:32,840 Speaker 4: willing to confront confront all the stuff that they that 346 00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:36,640 Speaker 4: that has hurt them. And so I can sometimes feel 347 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:37,919 Speaker 4: that a lot when I'm in the South there with 348 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,920 Speaker 4: my family, like it's like, oh, there must be something 349 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:44,679 Speaker 4: really wrong with you and it's like, well, yes, but 350 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:48,040 Speaker 4: also like where do you think that comes from? 351 00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:49,560 Speaker 3: Exactly? 352 00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:52,000 Speaker 4: But I also think too like therapy, I think that 353 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:56,920 Speaker 4: it it's for people, that it's for people that want 354 00:18:56,960 --> 00:19:00,280 Speaker 4: to grow, and I think people who don't appreciate therapy 355 00:19:00,359 --> 00:19:00,880 Speaker 4: or people. 356 00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:02,879 Speaker 3: Don't have ego, fixed mindset, ego. 357 00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:04,720 Speaker 1: I think ego comes a lot because I think when 358 00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:06,639 Speaker 1: I'm in therapy, I feel so humbled and I'm like, 359 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:08,359 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, So I'm not always right and my 360 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:10,199 Speaker 1: opinion is not always the right one, and like the 361 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:11,919 Speaker 1: way that I do things isn't necessarily. 362 00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:12,159 Speaker 3: Always the right way. 363 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:13,880 Speaker 1: But there's not really right in a wrong way, it's 364 00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,359 Speaker 1: just there's the way a way, yes. And I think 365 00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:19,280 Speaker 1: that people who are very anti therapy have are very 366 00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:21,920 Speaker 1: like I don't know what the word is, rigid. 367 00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:24,400 Speaker 4: Yeah, and just like stuck in their ways fixed. It's 368 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:26,760 Speaker 4: like a growth mindset or a fixed mindset. And like 369 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:31,440 Speaker 4: I will say, the one thing that I am, I 370 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:33,359 Speaker 4: do it one thing, but one thing. One of the 371 00:19:33,359 --> 00:19:35,240 Speaker 4: things that I'm really proud about myself is I do 372 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:39,239 Speaker 4: feel like I'm not somebody that will be complacent in 373 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:43,560 Speaker 4: my life, Like I think I'm very resilient and I 374 00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:49,080 Speaker 4: am going to work through it all even when it's 375 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:49,879 Speaker 4: really tough. 376 00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:51,160 Speaker 3: And I think. 377 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:57,879 Speaker 4: I have a really big growth mindset and if you're not, 378 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:02,320 Speaker 4: I think it intimidates or makes people. It makes people 379 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:04,160 Speaker 4: put their walls up, but they're just not there yet 380 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,760 Speaker 4: because like they're just not going to do the work. 381 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:11,399 Speaker 4: And yeah, it's just those are my people. It's my family. 382 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:11,880 Speaker 3: I love them. 383 00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:15,840 Speaker 4: But you can't, like you can't force somebody to do 384 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:18,479 Speaker 4: something they don't want to. Yeah, but you can like 385 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,199 Speaker 4: change the way that you interact with them. You can 386 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:25,440 Speaker 4: set boundaries, set boundaries, and then it has taken a while, 387 00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:28,120 Speaker 4: but I've seen like the shift of that too, of 388 00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:29,600 Speaker 4: how we interact. 389 00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:29,960 Speaker 1: Yeah. 390 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:32,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, I know it takes time and it takes work, 391 00:20:32,119 --> 00:20:35,320 Speaker 2: and sometimes it's the work. It's on you, as the 392 00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:38,280 Speaker 2: person who has the growth mindset to know how to 393 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,240 Speaker 2: set the boundaries and put in the work to make 394 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:44,000 Speaker 2: sure the family dynamics stays as healthy as Yeah. 395 00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:47,159 Speaker 4: Yeah, Like I love my family and I want to 396 00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:48,840 Speaker 4: be a part of my family, but I want to 397 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:54,040 Speaker 4: choose and change the way that I interact. Yeah, And 398 00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:57,479 Speaker 4: I've been able to do that with a lot of 399 00:20:58,600 --> 00:20:59,760 Speaker 4: help in a lot. 400 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:03,840 Speaker 2: Yeah, I want to talk to you about your book, 401 00:21:04,119 --> 00:21:06,320 Speaker 2: I want to talk to you about Tyler Cameron, and 402 00:21:06,359 --> 00:21:07,600 Speaker 2: I want to talk to you. 403 00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:08,360 Speaker 3: About the Way. 404 00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:27,160 Speaker 2: But first we're going to take a break. All right, 405 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:30,479 Speaker 2: we're back from the break. Hannah Brown, you made a 406 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:31,880 Speaker 2: snarky little comment when. 407 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:37,920 Speaker 3: I said Tyler Cameron. There wasn't. Of course there was snark, 408 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:41,960 Speaker 3: which I appreciate. Well, Mecca just speaks the internet. 409 00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:46,159 Speaker 4: What do you mean she just speaks the internet because. 410 00:21:46,119 --> 00:21:48,800 Speaker 3: All I see are edits of of you and Tyler Cameron. 411 00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:53,119 Speaker 3: I need to just know. It'd be like, what is 412 00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:57,480 Speaker 3: going on? I know it's weird, right, Yes, I know, but. 413 00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:03,600 Speaker 2: Yeah it's it's weird, and it's it's it's even weirder 414 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:06,000 Speaker 2: because you're an engagements. 415 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:08,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, it makes you think about it though in terms 416 00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:10,840 Speaker 1: of like we do this so much with the people 417 00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:12,560 Speaker 1: that are like married. 418 00:22:12,359 --> 00:22:13,720 Speaker 3: Or have been married for twenty years. 419 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:19,679 Speaker 4: Yeah, like it's so unt I think it's like I 420 00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,120 Speaker 4: was actually thinking about this this week. 421 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:23,120 Speaker 3: I'm like, it's just. 422 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:29,240 Speaker 4: I think it's just something that people it never actually 423 00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:30,160 Speaker 4: happened too. 424 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:32,840 Speaker 3: That's what's so weird, is like it's a love of 425 00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:36,280 Speaker 3: history fiction. It's fan fiction. Yeah, it's fan fiction. 426 00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:39,560 Speaker 4: So it's just interesting to me that people have like 427 00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:44,240 Speaker 4: created this narrative that actually ever existed. 428 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:50,080 Speaker 2: I know, because y'all had post bachelorette y'all ended up 429 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:54,359 Speaker 2: quarantining on accident together. Yes, but nothing ever happened. But 430 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:57,520 Speaker 2: people don't know about that, or they do they know 431 00:22:57,560 --> 00:22:57,919 Speaker 2: about that. 432 00:22:58,040 --> 00:23:02,919 Speaker 4: You But I think it's it's like I feel like 433 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:05,359 Speaker 4: it's one of those like it it would be like 434 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:06,280 Speaker 4: an epic. 435 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:08,720 Speaker 3: Love story, right, right, but it was it wasn't. 436 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:13,200 Speaker 1: Well you're explaining it is like it's fan fiction, right, 437 00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:15,760 Speaker 1: So people like have this fantasy of the two of you. 438 00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:19,080 Speaker 1: They make these stitches, right stitches? 439 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:22,920 Speaker 3: Yeah, what is that called? It's called like a compilation. 440 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:24,920 Speaker 3: I would say, what do you call that? Like a 441 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:25,639 Speaker 3: fan video? 442 00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:28,119 Speaker 1: Like a yeah, yeah, so they make these like super 443 00:23:28,119 --> 00:23:30,760 Speaker 1: cuts of you guys. But it's not fan fiction because 444 00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:32,959 Speaker 1: you are a real person and you're in a real relationship. 445 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:35,800 Speaker 4: So like my question is you are engaged and you 446 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:37,720 Speaker 4: have a fiance. Does he see any of this and 447 00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:39,879 Speaker 4: like does it why does it make him feel? I 448 00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:44,119 Speaker 4: mean I I yes, he has seen it, but I 449 00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:48,000 Speaker 4: think we're really secure in our relationship and like I said, 450 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:51,160 Speaker 4: like that was also a really long time ago. Yeah, 451 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:55,400 Speaker 4: that's amazing, and I think. 452 00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:56,959 Speaker 3: He sees it. 453 00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:59,080 Speaker 4: But we also like know where we're at and as 454 00:23:59,119 --> 00:24:01,399 Speaker 4: a couple and like planning a wedding. 455 00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:05,040 Speaker 2: So he's like, bye, good, this is what I'm telling Tanya, 456 00:24:05,119 --> 00:24:08,080 Speaker 2: And this is definitely something after hearing you say that, 457 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:10,320 Speaker 2: that I need to work on, probably as myself. 458 00:24:10,359 --> 00:24:13,679 Speaker 3: But you went and filmed The Tyler. 459 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:17,600 Speaker 2: Show, and I was curious after Adam sees all these 460 00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:21,560 Speaker 2: this fan fiction and what people think, Yeah, was there 461 00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:24,480 Speaker 2: any hesitation from him when you told him you were 462 00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:25,040 Speaker 2: going to do that. 463 00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:27,960 Speaker 3: We definitely talked about it, and. 464 00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:32,240 Speaker 4: It was more like why I was doing it, and 465 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:35,760 Speaker 4: I love interior design. It was a great way to 466 00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:37,800 Speaker 4: be able to do that and just show that that's 467 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:42,520 Speaker 4: something that I'm passionate about and Tyler and I like, 468 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,439 Speaker 4: I don't know, like it's just not the way that 469 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:49,400 Speaker 4: everybody like actually thinks it is, and I Adam knows 470 00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:52,600 Speaker 4: that as well. But yeah, I mean it's probably I'm 471 00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:54,239 Speaker 4: not going to speak for him, but I'm sure it's 472 00:24:54,280 --> 00:25:00,880 Speaker 4: probably annoying sometimes, but like we're good. Yeah, oh yeah, 473 00:25:01,119 --> 00:25:03,920 Speaker 4: like he's I don't think he like worries about. 474 00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:05,159 Speaker 2: That. 475 00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:06,119 Speaker 3: Yeah, he trust to you. 476 00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:09,080 Speaker 2: He's like, yeah, it's like it can be annoying to 477 00:25:09,119 --> 00:25:12,760 Speaker 2: watch and see, but also truth is and what the 478 00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:14,200 Speaker 2: fact is about. 479 00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:20,160 Speaker 4: Totally and like it was it was actually a good thing, 480 00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:24,480 Speaker 4: like for Tyler and I. Like it was definitely just 481 00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:30,560 Speaker 4: like working together and that's progress. 482 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:31,680 Speaker 3: It was good. 483 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:34,520 Speaker 4: It had been like so much time we hadn't really 484 00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:39,960 Speaker 4: seen each other, and it actually just it was it 485 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:43,240 Speaker 4: was a good experience. It was yeah, good, you know, 486 00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:46,720 Speaker 4: I would I can't make my fiance jealous to save 487 00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:47,200 Speaker 4: my life. 488 00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,560 Speaker 2: The only man he's been jealous over was Harry Styles, 489 00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:51,560 Speaker 2: which is valid. 490 00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:53,240 Speaker 3: And try to wear Harry Styles Murch sometimes to be 491 00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:57,560 Speaker 3: like a rise are you would you say, like do 492 00:25:57,600 --> 00:26:00,680 Speaker 3: you have jealousy stuff? Oh, I'm very insecure, really attached. 493 00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:04,800 Speaker 4: I'm not jealous. I do not get jealous because you're avoidant. 494 00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:07,560 Speaker 3: Oh is that why I was avoidant too? 495 00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:10,120 Speaker 4: But I attachmentselves. 496 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,480 Speaker 1: You can shift, you can, you can shift out of them. 497 00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:14,320 Speaker 1: But yeah, if you're avoidant, you're not gonna get jealous. 498 00:26:14,359 --> 00:26:17,080 Speaker 4: I don't get jealous, Like I'm just like if I 499 00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:19,399 Speaker 4: find it, I'll find out one day so I'm just 500 00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:21,240 Speaker 4: going to live my life like if somebody, like if 501 00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:24,879 Speaker 4: I'm like in a relationship where I feel jealousy or 502 00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:28,000 Speaker 4: like I'm just like if something happens, I'll find out. 503 00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:31,200 Speaker 3: Yeah, And I have within my mask like it all 504 00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:36,199 Speaker 3: like always. I don't know, I just don't sit in 505 00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:36,840 Speaker 3: that energy. 506 00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:39,680 Speaker 1: Great great place to be. I mean I have a 507 00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:46,720 Speaker 1: lot of other Yeah, honestly it's a big one. 508 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:47,040 Speaker 4: Yeah. 509 00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:49,800 Speaker 2: So but you have talked about you talked about your 510 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:52,800 Speaker 2: own individual therapy and how much that has like changed 511 00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:53,240 Speaker 2: your life. 512 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:57,199 Speaker 3: Will she be at your wide and your therapist definitely? Really? 513 00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:01,440 Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, yes, I mean we've talked. I mean 514 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:03,560 Speaker 4: I think it'll be our pastor that there's our wedding, 515 00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:05,960 Speaker 4: But I've I've been thinking like okay, like on the 516 00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:08,520 Speaker 4: like a welcome party thing, like I might have her 517 00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:15,879 Speaker 4: speak about our relationship because okay, that makes it a 518 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:20,959 Speaker 4: little different because she has seen like the couple that 519 00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:23,240 Speaker 4: we started out with her as and it's just been 520 00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:26,120 Speaker 4: a few months versus what the couple that we will 521 00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:28,879 Speaker 4: we will be by the time we get married is 522 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:33,320 Speaker 4: like night and day in like so connected and so 523 00:27:36,359 --> 00:27:39,240 Speaker 4: just like have have a growth mindset and like really 524 00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:41,959 Speaker 4: understand like how to love each other. Like it has 525 00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:46,800 Speaker 4: been crazy the shifts that we've made being so avoidant 526 00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:50,879 Speaker 4: with being able to show up for each other that 527 00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:55,159 Speaker 4: I'm just I'm so thankful for her giving us the 528 00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:56,160 Speaker 4: tools to be able. 529 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:56,400 Speaker 3: To do that. 530 00:27:56,640 --> 00:28:01,200 Speaker 4: Was she your individual therapist and then she became it's different. 531 00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:03,200 Speaker 3: I was asking about your individual therapist. 532 00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:06,840 Speaker 4: Yeah, I changed to her and we both go to 533 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:14,040 Speaker 4: her individually and together, and she works like on attachment styles. 534 00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:18,280 Speaker 4: So my first therapist is great that I was with, 535 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:24,600 Speaker 4: but also I think when you're dealing with relationships trauma, basically, 536 00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:27,320 Speaker 4: it's been really great to work with a couple's therapist 537 00:28:27,359 --> 00:28:29,800 Speaker 4: and a committed relationship and then we both do our 538 00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:34,439 Speaker 4: own separate with her, and then it's just it's like 539 00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:36,560 Speaker 4: she's been able to really see us both and be 540 00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:39,520 Speaker 4: able to like filter things that we're saying and really 541 00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:40,880 Speaker 4: get to the root of that, and then we can 542 00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:45,120 Speaker 4: meet together and discuss in a really healthy way that's 543 00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:51,000 Speaker 4: actually prompting us to be able to actually handle it worse. Sometimes, 544 00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:53,280 Speaker 4: Like in the she always laughs, she's like, I'll do it. 545 00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:55,200 Speaker 4: I mean I'll have like three hour sessions with her 546 00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:57,920 Speaker 4: and She'll be like, the first hour is like, you're 547 00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:01,400 Speaker 4: coming off really wrong with a lot of like your 548 00:29:01,640 --> 00:29:03,920 Speaker 4: She'll I see she has a black pin and a 549 00:29:03,960 --> 00:29:06,040 Speaker 4: red pin and she starts writing in the red pin 550 00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:10,479 Speaker 4: that means it's coming from a really insecure place. And 551 00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:12,840 Speaker 4: I'm saying and she'll read back the stuff that I said, 552 00:29:12,880 --> 00:29:16,480 Speaker 4: and I'm like, I sound crazy, whoa And She'll be 553 00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:18,360 Speaker 4: like yeah, but it's like I have to get through 554 00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:21,360 Speaker 4: that part to actually get to the to the deep 555 00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:22,880 Speaker 4: part of like what's the actual fear? 556 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:27,560 Speaker 3: Through hours of therapy, you could do it. No, I 557 00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:29,520 Speaker 3: can't even watch TV for three hours straight. 558 00:29:30,320 --> 00:29:37,240 Speaker 4: But it's like I think, no, it's the best. Like 559 00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:42,040 Speaker 4: I'm not gonna get to get really anything done in 560 00:29:42,040 --> 00:29:44,800 Speaker 4: a forty minute session because just at forty minutes, I'm 561 00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:48,560 Speaker 4: finally starting to break open my like what's actually going on? 562 00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:51,920 Speaker 4: So to have somebody like do you even feel like 563 00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:56,160 Speaker 4: somebody cares enough that burning peace to actually want to 564 00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:59,760 Speaker 4: spend the time with me to actually help me has 565 00:29:59,840 --> 00:30:16,280 Speaker 4: been and I felt so seen And yeah, I love her. 566 00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:20,640 Speaker 3: What were y'all? 567 00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:25,160 Speaker 2: Because Haley and I I would say I'm in communication styles. 568 00:30:25,200 --> 00:30:29,320 Speaker 2: I'm avoidant. She is, I guess more anxious. She's like 569 00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:32,560 Speaker 2: an over communicator. I would be like, let's table this 570 00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:34,760 Speaker 2: for another time when I feel calmed down. 571 00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:37,520 Speaker 3: Yeah, And so we did. We started a couple of therapy. 572 00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:41,640 Speaker 2: And my my response, you talked about this when people 573 00:30:41,640 --> 00:30:44,880 Speaker 2: start couple therapy, or you hear people talking about couple therapy, 574 00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:47,360 Speaker 2: it was like they're doomed, like this is the beginning 575 00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:49,840 Speaker 2: of the end. And we started it, I think two 576 00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:53,520 Speaker 2: years into our relationship, and I remember thinking when she 577 00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:56,440 Speaker 2: suggested it, I was like, Oh, we're over, We're why 578 00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:59,000 Speaker 2: are we even going through this if we're just breaking up? Yeah, 579 00:30:59,360 --> 00:31:04,719 Speaker 2: And it has changed our relationship in ways that no 580 00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:06,160 Speaker 2: one ever could have prepared me for. 581 00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:07,880 Speaker 3: So I can get that you're taught and in the 582 00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:09,320 Speaker 3: best way and the. 583 00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:11,680 Speaker 4: Best way I want their first year of marriage. Like 584 00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:14,160 Speaker 4: there's always like first year of marriage is the hardest. Yeah, 585 00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:19,760 Speaker 4: I don't think it has to be if you really 586 00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:23,880 Speaker 4: commit and do the hard work of like talking about 587 00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:27,240 Speaker 4: these things that can sometimes be uncomfortable. I mean I 588 00:31:27,280 --> 00:31:28,840 Speaker 4: had the three hour session that we. 589 00:31:28,800 --> 00:31:36,280 Speaker 5: Had, I I really broke down and had like a 590 00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:39,200 Speaker 5: really big aha moment and it was actually like really 591 00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:41,960 Speaker 5: scary and things that I've never said before, and to 592 00:31:42,040 --> 00:31:45,240 Speaker 5: have my partner be able to be there and hold 593 00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:47,840 Speaker 5: my hand while I'm talking about some stuff that like 594 00:31:48,080 --> 00:31:50,640 Speaker 5: I've never allowed myself to talk about. 595 00:31:51,360 --> 00:31:52,040 Speaker 3: That's the most. 596 00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:54,960 Speaker 4: Connecting thing that you can you can do with a person, 597 00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:57,160 Speaker 4: and then also see him let his gone down and 598 00:31:57,200 --> 00:32:00,160 Speaker 4: be like, I'm so sorry that happened to you, So 599 00:32:00,200 --> 00:32:02,640 Speaker 4: sorry you felt that way. You will never feel that 600 00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:05,120 Speaker 4: way with me or you know. 601 00:32:05,240 --> 00:32:05,720 Speaker 3: It's like. 602 00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:10,600 Speaker 4: That is such a blessing because like without her, I 603 00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:12,960 Speaker 4: would have never gotten to that, and he would have 604 00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:14,320 Speaker 4: never got to see that, and I would never get 605 00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:15,640 Speaker 4: to see how he's going to show up for me 606 00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:23,160 Speaker 4: and like a really vulnerable place and like it's just 607 00:32:23,200 --> 00:32:26,400 Speaker 4: been so healing and I think it's so healing for him, 608 00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:29,520 Speaker 4: and then he can understand Okay, now I get where 609 00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:32,720 Speaker 4: you know whatever my trigger, this trigger was like now 610 00:32:32,720 --> 00:32:37,080 Speaker 4: I really know what that means. And he didn't just 611 00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:38,880 Speaker 4: like hear it from me and me being like, oh yeah, 612 00:32:38,920 --> 00:32:41,000 Speaker 4: this is what happened therapy to baby. He like saw 613 00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:42,840 Speaker 4: it and had to be in there with me. He 614 00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:45,680 Speaker 4: had to feel the uncomfortableness that I was feeling and 615 00:32:45,760 --> 00:32:49,160 Speaker 4: hold that space for me like, I'm so thankful I 616 00:32:49,160 --> 00:32:51,240 Speaker 4: found a person that will do that because a lot 617 00:32:51,280 --> 00:32:56,440 Speaker 4: of people won't and he's doing that, live in that 618 00:32:56,440 --> 00:32:59,960 Speaker 4: space for me, and then it's making him also do that. 619 00:33:00,280 --> 00:33:02,920 Speaker 4: I mean as far as like both us being both, 620 00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:09,040 Speaker 4: we're both more avoidant, I would say, I because I can't. 621 00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:12,080 Speaker 4: I'm not complacent. Like, if there's something going on, I 622 00:33:12,120 --> 00:33:15,440 Speaker 4: can't fully let it go. We've got to talk about it. 623 00:33:15,480 --> 00:33:18,320 Speaker 4: We've got to figure it out where I think he could. 624 00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:21,640 Speaker 4: Sometimes he has one thing we are not similarized. He 625 00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:24,080 Speaker 4: can wear rose colored glasses. I have no rose colored 626 00:33:24,320 --> 00:33:27,200 Speaker 4: glasses at all. Like I see if you listen to 627 00:33:27,200 --> 00:33:29,920 Speaker 4: the podcast, like I I'll say exactly what it is. 628 00:33:32,040 --> 00:33:32,600 Speaker 3: I hate. 629 00:33:32,920 --> 00:33:35,000 Speaker 4: There's a reason I'm like that. But I can be 630 00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:38,120 Speaker 4: pretty I hate saying that. I can be pessimistic, but 631 00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:40,120 Speaker 4: I can really always see the like thing that needs 632 00:33:40,160 --> 00:33:43,640 Speaker 4: to be worked on, And he'll be like, can we 633 00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:45,760 Speaker 4: just like focus all the things that we have good? 634 00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:46,960 Speaker 4: I'm like, you know, but we still need to work 635 00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:49,360 Speaker 4: on that thing, because I think I fear that if 636 00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:52,240 Speaker 4: if I take my eye off that, then it's become 637 00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:56,520 Speaker 4: a bigger issue. And so that's I'm I'm I'm learning 638 00:33:56,600 --> 00:34:00,760 Speaker 4: how to like and with the therapist, like she hears 639 00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:04,600 Speaker 4: and she knows all the things that maybe still we 640 00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:06,880 Speaker 4: can improve on. But to be able to say when 641 00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:08,439 Speaker 4: she's like, how are you on, can be like we're 642 00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:11,799 Speaker 4: in a really great place was hard for me. I 643 00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:14,080 Speaker 4: could be like, she's like, you'll you'll talk and y'all, 644 00:34:14,080 --> 00:34:16,040 Speaker 4: i'll give you an update, you'll give me a update 645 00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:17,920 Speaker 4: on life, and she'll be like, wow, So that was like, 646 00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:20,600 Speaker 4: so you've had y'all been really great, really connected. I'll 647 00:34:20,640 --> 00:34:23,360 Speaker 4: go No, She's like, but you just told me everything 648 00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:26,120 Speaker 4: and it sounds like you are like, no, well, actually 649 00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:28,400 Speaker 4: there's this one thing and she's like, okay, Hannah, like 650 00:34:29,320 --> 00:34:31,040 Speaker 4: we've got to we've got to work on that. Like 651 00:34:31,200 --> 00:34:33,399 Speaker 4: just because there is some things that still you can 652 00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:35,160 Speaker 4: improve on doesn't mean that. 653 00:34:35,080 --> 00:34:37,600 Speaker 3: Like this is all good. 654 00:34:37,680 --> 00:34:40,719 Speaker 4: So like there's just been so many things that, like 655 00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:44,480 Speaker 4: I said, it's just been like life changing and so 656 00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:47,200 Speaker 4: cool for our relationship and for me personally. It also 657 00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:48,840 Speaker 4: realize what I can improve on. 658 00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:50,640 Speaker 3: Are you a perfectionist? 659 00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:54,719 Speaker 4: No, I'm a like on Enneagram, I'm a three. I'm 660 00:34:54,800 --> 00:34:59,239 Speaker 4: like an achiever. Oh, but I wouldn't say I'm a perfectionist. 661 00:34:58,840 --> 00:35:01,239 Speaker 3: But you want to be be good. I want to 662 00:35:01,280 --> 00:35:05,440 Speaker 3: be good, yeah, you know, but you want the praise 663 00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:06,840 Speaker 3: of being good. 664 00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:10,319 Speaker 4: But it's weird because I've gone the praise for being good, 665 00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:12,439 Speaker 4: but I don't believe it. So it's like I want 666 00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:15,800 Speaker 4: to be able to like really yeah believe it you. 667 00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:19,440 Speaker 2: Yeah, what does your therapist think it's going to take 668 00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:21,160 Speaker 2: for you to be to believe that? 669 00:35:21,840 --> 00:35:24,200 Speaker 3: Like, what does she think? What does she say when 670 00:35:24,239 --> 00:35:25,200 Speaker 3: you still struggle with that? 671 00:35:28,719 --> 00:35:34,319 Speaker 4: Well, one thing that she says is like with all 672 00:35:34,360 --> 00:35:37,200 Speaker 4: my past stuff, like the odds are kind of I 673 00:35:37,239 --> 00:35:39,640 Speaker 4: love that she like tells me, like the odds are stacked, 674 00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:42,680 Speaker 4: would be stacked against you, would be stacked against you 675 00:35:42,760 --> 00:35:47,520 Speaker 4: to have a healthy relationship, Like there are reasons why 676 00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:50,479 Speaker 4: you feel these ways. And that's really actually validating because 677 00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:52,839 Speaker 4: because I could think, oh, there's just something fully wrong 678 00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:56,560 Speaker 4: with me, So to hear that was was great. So 679 00:35:56,600 --> 00:35:59,880 Speaker 4: it's like, Okay, you have to do the work. And 680 00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:03,560 Speaker 4: I guess that she's like, but you are, And that 681 00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:07,000 Speaker 4: almost like makes me feel proud good because I'm like, yeah, proud, 682 00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:13,200 Speaker 4: like I'm changing this And I think I've been reading 683 00:36:13,239 --> 00:36:16,839 Speaker 4: a lot of books about self esteem and realizing where 684 00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:22,000 Speaker 4: that comes from and how to like it's something that 685 00:36:22,120 --> 00:36:23,719 Speaker 4: like I really need to work on. But I think 686 00:36:23,760 --> 00:36:25,520 Speaker 4: the first thing we had to do was to really 687 00:36:25,560 --> 00:36:28,600 Speaker 4: recognize that, like I have a self esteem issues or 688 00:36:28,640 --> 00:36:31,920 Speaker 4: I've had all these things in the past, and to 689 00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:37,000 Speaker 4: say it's obvious where that comes from, but you're doing 690 00:36:37,040 --> 00:36:41,160 Speaker 4: the work to change that. And then she I have 691 00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:43,520 Speaker 4: I journal a lot to her and so then it's 692 00:36:43,600 --> 00:36:47,440 Speaker 4: like rewiring my brain and now note and I'm just 693 00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:52,480 Speaker 4: noticing differences through the work. Yeah, So there's no like 694 00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:54,919 Speaker 4: easy route. I'm not just gonna like feel better one day, 695 00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:58,440 Speaker 4: Like I'm gonna have to like it's work my way through. 696 00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:00,800 Speaker 4: I wish there were you know, the whole like the 697 00:37:01,440 --> 00:37:03,800 Speaker 4: way I was through. It sucks, but it's true. 698 00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:06,520 Speaker 3: It is true even if. 699 00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:10,719 Speaker 2: You take a easy route, it's you're always gonna come 700 00:37:10,800 --> 00:37:14,319 Speaker 2: to another place where you have to acknowledge these things. 701 00:37:14,640 --> 00:37:17,719 Speaker 3: So why not why not do it now? If not now? 702 00:37:18,040 --> 00:37:28,560 Speaker 3: When of books? Author? This though is a fiction book? Yes, 703 00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:33,000 Speaker 3: how did you write this? Honestly? I need to know, like. 704 00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:36,560 Speaker 1: Do you just sit down like and just you have 705 00:37:36,680 --> 00:37:38,840 Speaker 1: this idea and this is a big book. 706 00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:43,200 Speaker 2: This is a thick, Mom, me thick, She's yeah, three 707 00:37:43,280 --> 00:37:44,040 Speaker 2: hundred pages. 708 00:37:44,239 --> 00:37:45,320 Speaker 4: Over three hundred pages. 709 00:37:45,360 --> 00:37:48,520 Speaker 3: Well, I it's funny. 710 00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:51,279 Speaker 4: Like a lot of the things that I've done I 711 00:37:51,280 --> 00:37:54,879 Speaker 4: wouldn't like dream of. But one thing I've always loved 712 00:37:54,920 --> 00:37:58,640 Speaker 4: reading and like writing for myself. And I told my 713 00:37:58,680 --> 00:38:01,560 Speaker 4: mom and like high school, college, like first year year 714 00:38:01,560 --> 00:38:04,120 Speaker 4: of college. I can't remember exactly when, but I was 715 00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:05,879 Speaker 4: sitting in the kitchen and I was like, one day, 716 00:38:05,880 --> 00:38:09,160 Speaker 4: I really want to write a novel. Like that is 717 00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:14,360 Speaker 4: a dream that I have. It wasn't this idea, but 718 00:38:15,320 --> 00:38:19,239 Speaker 4: it's always been something that I've wanted to do. I 719 00:38:19,280 --> 00:38:21,359 Speaker 4: actually had this. I was on this panel the other 720 00:38:21,480 --> 00:38:26,120 Speaker 4: day for the La Times Festival of Books. One of 721 00:38:26,120 --> 00:38:30,880 Speaker 4: the other authors on the panel, I realized with what 722 00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:34,200 Speaker 4: she said, like where this comes from from me? That 723 00:38:35,840 --> 00:38:38,000 Speaker 4: it comes from like she's like for her, she like 724 00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:39,920 Speaker 4: it really came from a storytelling came from me with 725 00:38:40,000 --> 00:38:42,279 Speaker 4: like when I played with my barbies, because that was 726 00:38:42,400 --> 00:38:45,120 Speaker 4: and I was like, oh my gosh, this all makes 727 00:38:45,120 --> 00:38:48,719 Speaker 4: sense to me because of stuff happening, Like I would 728 00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:55,319 Speaker 4: get really into the narratives and the stories and the 729 00:38:55,360 --> 00:38:58,600 Speaker 4: plot of my barbies, like it was tabled friends would 730 00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:00,359 Speaker 4: come over and want to play with my dolls. Sorry, can't. 731 00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:03,239 Speaker 4: We're like in scene right now. Yeah, and you can't 732 00:39:03,280 --> 00:39:05,600 Speaker 4: mess up what's actually going on because like I've already 733 00:39:05,600 --> 00:39:08,040 Speaker 4: had this written out in my head that needs to 734 00:39:08,080 --> 00:39:09,640 Speaker 4: play It needs to be played out right now. 735 00:39:09,760 --> 00:39:12,400 Speaker 3: So like, do not take that Barbie out. 736 00:39:12,239 --> 00:39:15,360 Speaker 4: Of the limo, yeah, because they're on they're on a 737 00:39:15,440 --> 00:39:17,880 Speaker 4: journey right now and you can't mess with them. So 738 00:39:18,040 --> 00:39:20,160 Speaker 4: like that was always weird, and so like it really 739 00:39:20,719 --> 00:39:24,920 Speaker 4: I've always had this like I don't want to say gift, 740 00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:30,399 Speaker 4: but like escape of storytelling. And so I think when 741 00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:31,920 Speaker 4: I first got an agent, like one of the very 742 00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:33,239 Speaker 4: first things, they're like, what do you want to do? 743 00:39:33,320 --> 00:39:35,319 Speaker 4: And you know, I'm like, I don't know, I don't 744 00:39:35,320 --> 00:39:35,640 Speaker 4: even know. 745 00:39:35,719 --> 00:39:39,279 Speaker 3: I but one of. 746 00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:41,200 Speaker 4: The things I always said is like, I mean, it's 747 00:39:41,200 --> 00:39:44,400 Speaker 4: a it's a far, it's it's a big dream. I 748 00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:46,920 Speaker 4: don't exactly know how to write a novel, but like 749 00:39:46,960 --> 00:39:49,759 Speaker 4: I would really like to do this. And so it's 750 00:39:49,800 --> 00:39:52,279 Speaker 4: finally came into fruition, which is really cool. 751 00:39:52,239 --> 00:39:53,320 Speaker 3: But yeah, it's tough. 752 00:39:53,480 --> 00:39:57,880 Speaker 4: I had a co author who helped me, Emily Larby, 753 00:39:58,040 --> 00:40:00,440 Speaker 4: and that was that That is why this book, it's 754 00:40:00,760 --> 00:40:04,759 Speaker 4: here in the time it took it to you know, 755 00:40:04,760 --> 00:40:06,640 Speaker 4: it took about two years, but it would probably would 756 00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:09,680 Speaker 4: have taken me a lot longer. And she just really 757 00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:10,759 Speaker 4: helped me like be. 758 00:40:10,800 --> 00:40:11,359 Speaker 3: Able to. 759 00:40:14,320 --> 00:40:17,400 Speaker 4: Get all the ideas I have like on the paper 760 00:40:17,640 --> 00:40:21,839 Speaker 4: and actually like, what's what's so interesting that I didn't realize. 761 00:40:21,880 --> 00:40:25,719 Speaker 4: It's just how much organization goes into creating this, like 762 00:40:25,760 --> 00:40:28,399 Speaker 4: the plot points that have to be done, and how 763 00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:30,479 Speaker 4: many through lines there has you have to be thinking 764 00:40:30,520 --> 00:40:34,240 Speaker 4: about all at one time. So it was like hours 765 00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:38,560 Speaker 4: and hours on zoom calls with these ideas, going back 766 00:40:38,560 --> 00:40:43,280 Speaker 4: and forth about things and then editing all the time, 767 00:40:45,520 --> 00:40:47,799 Speaker 4: writing a whole big things of things that then be 768 00:40:47,880 --> 00:40:51,080 Speaker 4: like this actually sucks putting it back. I mean, it 769 00:40:51,440 --> 00:40:54,239 Speaker 4: takes a lot of work. But it was so great, 770 00:40:54,440 --> 00:40:56,120 Speaker 4: and it was because I had like a lot of 771 00:40:56,120 --> 00:41:01,640 Speaker 4: support that helped encourage me and believe in me, and yeah, 772 00:41:01,640 --> 00:41:02,480 Speaker 4: I'm really proud of it. 773 00:41:02,920 --> 00:41:04,960 Speaker 2: Can you Okay, you have thirty seconds you're on the 774 00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:08,120 Speaker 2: elevator with someone and they're like, what is this book about? 775 00:41:08,480 --> 00:41:09,520 Speaker 3: Thirty seconds go. 776 00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:11,439 Speaker 4: I hate you right now? 777 00:41:12,480 --> 00:41:14,560 Speaker 3: This is like my it was a long time though. 778 00:41:14,719 --> 00:41:19,880 Speaker 3: Would you said what's actually Timer? That's Timer. Okay. So 779 00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:21,359 Speaker 3: the book is about oh. 780 00:41:21,640 --> 00:41:25,319 Speaker 4: We haven't had it yet, Okay, go okay. The book 781 00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:27,279 Speaker 4: is about a girl named Emma who's very type. It 782 00:41:27,360 --> 00:41:30,040 Speaker 4: feels like she has to have everything together and she 783 00:41:30,239 --> 00:41:32,360 Speaker 4: is the maid of honor for her best friend Sibyl's wedding, 784 00:41:33,200 --> 00:41:35,600 Speaker 4: and everything was going great. She's the best maid of 785 00:41:35,640 --> 00:41:40,719 Speaker 4: honor until the bride goes missing and she has to. 786 00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:45,719 Speaker 3: Uh literally like wait show me. 787 00:41:46,160 --> 00:41:49,200 Speaker 4: She has to basically uh go on a road trip 788 00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:53,480 Speaker 4: with her uh frind of me, Finn Hughes, who has 789 00:41:53,520 --> 00:41:55,640 Speaker 4: just been a lot of like an almost in her life, 790 00:41:55,640 --> 00:41:58,160 Speaker 4: like they've never actually been in a relationship time. 791 00:41:58,040 --> 00:41:59,600 Speaker 3: They no, no, no, I mean more. 792 00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:02,279 Speaker 4: But they get to go and they're in this like 793 00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:05,920 Speaker 4: forced proximity to actually like work out all this miscommunication 794 00:42:06,719 --> 00:42:08,200 Speaker 4: as they try to find their best friend and not 795 00:42:08,200 --> 00:42:09,919 Speaker 4: make the worst mistake of her life, and we see 796 00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:13,440 Speaker 4: if they fall in love. I don't know. 797 00:42:13,480 --> 00:42:17,640 Speaker 3: That was a mystery romance. That's what it's. 798 00:42:19,000 --> 00:42:22,279 Speaker 4: The I had on the panel. The moderator was like, 799 00:42:22,320 --> 00:42:24,400 Speaker 4: it's kind of is like a mystery. It's not a mystery, 800 00:42:24,440 --> 00:42:27,640 Speaker 4: but you're like trying to throw on like a wild 801 00:42:27,800 --> 00:42:29,520 Speaker 4: goose chasse trying to find a bride. 802 00:42:29,640 --> 00:42:31,919 Speaker 2: Yeah, and so there then there's the plot of you 803 00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:33,520 Speaker 2: with this front of me. 804 00:42:34,000 --> 00:42:38,040 Speaker 4: Yes, like like a second chance. There's like in romance, 805 00:42:38,040 --> 00:42:40,839 Speaker 4: there's like all these tropes. Okay, so like a road 806 00:42:40,880 --> 00:42:43,080 Speaker 4: trip is a trope like a second it's a second 807 00:42:43,160 --> 00:42:46,640 Speaker 4: chance romance. So it's like, okay, with they've had all 808 00:42:46,719 --> 00:42:49,759 Speaker 4: these moments where it just like has been a lot 809 00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:52,239 Speaker 4: of almost and Emma believes are like mistakes in her 810 00:42:52,280 --> 00:42:56,480 Speaker 4: life with Thin, So what's the mistake they haven't. 811 00:42:56,160 --> 00:43:01,600 Speaker 2: Made based on anything in real life? 812 00:43:02,480 --> 00:43:03,440 Speaker 3: Is this all fantasy? 813 00:43:03,600 --> 00:43:09,200 Speaker 4: It's all It's definitely a fictional story. But I would 814 00:43:09,200 --> 00:43:13,960 Speaker 4: say Emma her thoughts and feelings or thoughts and feelings 815 00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:18,160 Speaker 4: I've had. Finn is not just one person but and 816 00:43:18,440 --> 00:43:21,040 Speaker 4: honestly some of Finn is as parts of me too, 817 00:43:21,280 --> 00:43:25,360 Speaker 4: but he is like greatest hits combined, we'll say that. 818 00:43:25,560 --> 00:43:25,799 Speaker 2: Fun. 819 00:43:25,880 --> 00:43:27,839 Speaker 3: Yeah, So like there's a lot there's a lot of. 820 00:43:30,000 --> 00:43:32,879 Speaker 4: Pieces in there that that like people might not know 821 00:43:33,160 --> 00:43:35,600 Speaker 4: are my life but but they're in there. I know, 822 00:43:35,920 --> 00:43:36,359 Speaker 4: but I know. 823 00:43:36,480 --> 00:43:38,560 Speaker 1: But then there are parts that are like very often 824 00:43:38,760 --> 00:43:41,400 Speaker 1: is releasing this book different than your first book? Because 825 00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:44,840 Speaker 1: I feel like the first book was really deeply personal, yes, 826 00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:46,759 Speaker 1: and this book is it's still personal, but it's a 827 00:43:46,760 --> 00:43:47,960 Speaker 1: little bit of like an escape. 828 00:43:48,080 --> 00:43:49,600 Speaker 3: Yeah you does it feel lighter? 829 00:43:49,800 --> 00:43:53,400 Speaker 4: It feels fun? Yeah, it feels fun. The last book, 830 00:43:53,880 --> 00:43:57,800 Speaker 4: I'm I love like hearing how people might really resonated 831 00:43:57,840 --> 00:44:00,960 Speaker 4: with that. But yeah, it was like really vulnerable. But 832 00:44:01,000 --> 00:44:05,160 Speaker 4: this is still vulnerable because I can't write anything that 833 00:44:05,239 --> 00:44:09,360 Speaker 4: I don't know. So, like Emma in this book, like 834 00:44:09,400 --> 00:44:11,560 Speaker 4: she's on her own journey of like why does she 835 00:44:11,600 --> 00:44:13,520 Speaker 4: even feel like she has to have it all together? 836 00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:17,080 Speaker 4: Why does she take it upon herself to go chase 837 00:44:17,120 --> 00:44:22,840 Speaker 4: down her friend who, for whatever reason is is nowhere 838 00:44:22,840 --> 00:44:25,719 Speaker 4: to be seen on her wedding weekend. There's like a 839 00:44:25,800 --> 00:44:29,760 Speaker 4: deep rooted stuff going on that the that the reader 840 00:44:29,760 --> 00:44:31,880 Speaker 4: gets to go on as she kind of figures out 841 00:44:32,120 --> 00:44:33,680 Speaker 4: why do I always feel like I have to be 842 00:44:33,800 --> 00:44:38,400 Speaker 4: this way? And do I have to And there's like 843 00:44:38,680 --> 00:44:41,040 Speaker 4: a really emotional journey that she goes on. She has 844 00:44:41,080 --> 00:44:46,600 Speaker 4: like a hard relationship with her dad, and Finn kind 845 00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:49,560 Speaker 4: of helps her as she tries to like work through 846 00:44:49,560 --> 00:44:55,719 Speaker 4: that and heal And that is that was important for 847 00:44:55,760 --> 00:44:58,160 Speaker 4: me for there to be some emotional death in there, 848 00:44:58,960 --> 00:45:01,759 Speaker 4: and that emotional death have to come from somewhere and me, 849 00:45:01,880 --> 00:45:04,839 Speaker 4: even though we have totally different stories. 850 00:45:04,640 --> 00:45:07,319 Speaker 2: Right, it has to stem from the idea, has to 851 00:45:07,320 --> 00:45:08,680 Speaker 2: come from a personal experience. 852 00:45:08,760 --> 00:45:11,080 Speaker 4: I can't write about like a feeling that I don't 853 00:45:11,640 --> 00:45:12,760 Speaker 4: really know about. 854 00:45:12,800 --> 00:45:19,279 Speaker 3: It's very swift. Nobody else give us your top five 855 00:45:20,280 --> 00:45:20,719 Speaker 3: in order. 856 00:45:20,800 --> 00:45:25,440 Speaker 2: It's been a few weeks since The Tortured Poet's Department 857 00:45:25,560 --> 00:45:26,759 Speaker 2: has been out. 858 00:45:27,440 --> 00:45:30,759 Speaker 3: You've had some time to listen. Give us your what 859 00:45:30,840 --> 00:45:32,960 Speaker 3: do you ask for? Top three? Top five to five? 860 00:45:33,040 --> 00:45:36,520 Speaker 4: That's hard because I haven't fully gotten to like three. Okay, 861 00:45:36,680 --> 00:45:40,160 Speaker 4: so I my favorite is I can do it with 862 00:45:40,200 --> 00:45:44,000 Speaker 4: a broken heart because it just it resonates so deeply. 863 00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:47,320 Speaker 3: Oh wow, I love dark. 864 00:45:49,200 --> 00:45:52,759 Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean this is it's twenty nineteen, Hannah. That 865 00:45:52,840 --> 00:45:55,680 Speaker 4: is like you're putting on a show, like like you're 866 00:45:55,840 --> 00:45:58,719 Speaker 4: so sad, so messed up. Yeah, but every year still 867 00:45:58,800 --> 00:45:59,440 Speaker 4: hitting your marks. 868 00:46:00,040 --> 00:46:00,960 Speaker 3: Yeah one Dancing with. 869 00:46:00,920 --> 00:46:04,319 Speaker 4: The Star is like, actually, like I have a human being. 870 00:46:04,760 --> 00:46:08,960 Speaker 4: So yeah, I was like I feel this. I would say, 871 00:46:09,080 --> 00:46:12,799 Speaker 4: I really like I like all the more like poppy ones. 872 00:46:12,800 --> 00:46:15,359 Speaker 4: I love Down bat Down Bad. I love so high 873 00:46:15,360 --> 00:46:18,120 Speaker 4: school because it sounds like it should be in a 874 00:46:18,239 --> 00:46:22,319 Speaker 4: nineties movie, and I love it. But then it's like 875 00:46:22,440 --> 00:46:23,560 Speaker 4: kind of silly, but I love it. 876 00:46:23,560 --> 00:46:25,560 Speaker 3: I don't care. That's three. 877 00:46:26,120 --> 00:46:27,000 Speaker 4: I thought I was soon five. 878 00:46:27,120 --> 00:46:28,319 Speaker 3: Oh, Okay, I keep going. 879 00:46:31,800 --> 00:46:36,280 Speaker 4: I feel like I'm forgetting. I really like the freaking 880 00:46:36,600 --> 00:46:38,719 Speaker 4: Witchy one. Why can I not think of what it is? 881 00:46:40,520 --> 00:46:43,640 Speaker 4: Clara bo That one's so good? Yeah, but it's not 882 00:46:43,680 --> 00:46:44,040 Speaker 4: that one. 883 00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:47,879 Speaker 3: Is it guilty of sin? 884 00:46:48,200 --> 00:46:50,080 Speaker 4: No? Who's afraid of little old Meat? 885 00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:51,319 Speaker 3: It gives me every time. 886 00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:54,920 Speaker 4: When I listened to that the first time, I cackled 887 00:46:54,920 --> 00:46:57,960 Speaker 4: like an actual witch. I was like, this lady is 888 00:46:58,000 --> 00:46:59,400 Speaker 4: deranged and I love it. 889 00:46:59,640 --> 00:47:06,680 Speaker 3: Yeah, And then I feel like I'm like the Alchemy. 890 00:47:06,719 --> 00:47:07,600 Speaker 3: I say, the Alchemy. 891 00:47:07,640 --> 00:47:08,920 Speaker 4: That's the one that I was like, the other one 892 00:47:09,000 --> 00:47:09,600 Speaker 4: about Travis. 893 00:47:09,600 --> 00:47:10,239 Speaker 3: I like that one. 894 00:47:10,280 --> 00:47:11,960 Speaker 4: And then I also like so Long London because it 895 00:47:11,960 --> 00:47:15,200 Speaker 4: makes me sad. I'm having Okay, I love this. I 896 00:47:15,239 --> 00:47:18,239 Speaker 4: love this album. But I looked at No. I just 897 00:47:18,280 --> 00:47:20,000 Speaker 4: looked at Adam the other day and I was like, 898 00:47:21,760 --> 00:47:27,040 Speaker 4: I feel like Taylor Swift sometimes just regulates my emotions 899 00:47:27,520 --> 00:47:29,560 Speaker 4: because I'm like in a good place. But then I 900 00:47:29,640 --> 00:47:32,560 Speaker 4: listen to it and I go dark with her, I'm 901 00:47:32,600 --> 00:47:33,400 Speaker 4: really feeling it. 902 00:47:33,400 --> 00:47:36,759 Speaker 2: It's a collective emotional but she's so good about because 903 00:47:36,760 --> 00:47:38,320 Speaker 2: it makes you feel that way. 904 00:47:39,160 --> 00:47:41,239 Speaker 3: So yeah, but I have I. 905 00:47:41,200 --> 00:47:43,880 Speaker 4: Will say, I having not to listen to it as 906 00:47:43,960 --> 00:47:46,719 Speaker 4: much as I normally have had to like to. So 907 00:47:46,760 --> 00:47:49,200 Speaker 4: those are just like initial like the ones that like 908 00:47:49,880 --> 00:47:51,880 Speaker 4: I listen to. I like that, Yeah, I want to 909 00:47:51,920 --> 00:47:54,440 Speaker 4: know yours. I feel like you've really been able to 910 00:47:54,000 --> 00:47:57,160 Speaker 4: do a deep dive. Yeah, So I'm gonna go ahead 911 00:47:57,160 --> 00:47:59,319 Speaker 4: and say that. I think my favorite is the Black Dog. 912 00:48:00,480 --> 00:48:02,640 Speaker 4: That one was I see because I can't remember because 913 00:48:02,640 --> 00:48:03,960 Speaker 4: I've only got to listen to him like one time. 914 00:48:04,600 --> 00:48:05,120 Speaker 3: I can't. 915 00:48:05,239 --> 00:48:07,160 Speaker 1: I can't tell you how much I relate to that 916 00:48:07,560 --> 00:48:10,319 Speaker 1: following their location after you break up every little movie. 917 00:48:10,520 --> 00:48:14,240 Speaker 3: I would never do that. Yeah, yeah, me and Taylor Swift, 918 00:48:14,280 --> 00:48:14,400 Speaker 3: you know. 919 00:48:14,600 --> 00:48:18,239 Speaker 1: Yeah, I wouldn't say you that, but I love that song. 920 00:48:18,560 --> 00:48:20,520 Speaker 1: I also love the Tortured Poet's Apartment. 921 00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:22,839 Speaker 4: Haven't even got to listen to that one yet. 922 00:48:22,960 --> 00:48:26,880 Speaker 1: Like that one, my Charlie Poots Sweater still to this 923 00:48:26,960 --> 00:48:29,719 Speaker 1: day because he finally is getting the recognition that he 924 00:48:29,760 --> 00:48:30,640 Speaker 1: deserves in that song. 925 00:48:30,719 --> 00:48:31,720 Speaker 3: So like that one, I love. 926 00:48:31,880 --> 00:48:36,440 Speaker 4: Than I have listened to it's just been book. 927 00:48:37,880 --> 00:48:43,960 Speaker 3: I make my author era yeah, yes and gets. 928 00:48:43,760 --> 00:49:00,719 Speaker 2: It before we go, you said you were half a 929 00:49:00,840 --> 00:49:02,560 Speaker 2: human when you want Dancing the stars. 930 00:49:03,719 --> 00:49:04,960 Speaker 3: What happened during that time? 931 00:49:05,080 --> 00:49:09,360 Speaker 4: I was just like really heartbreak broken, Like it was 932 00:49:09,400 --> 00:49:12,160 Speaker 4: a really hard time for me, and like I really 933 00:49:12,200 --> 00:49:17,120 Speaker 4: felt like I had to win to make anything worth it, 934 00:49:17,200 --> 00:49:21,080 Speaker 4: if that makes sense. Like I was such a little 935 00:49:21,200 --> 00:49:25,000 Speaker 4: pure soul going on to that show, like I genuinely was. 936 00:49:25,760 --> 00:49:27,600 Speaker 4: I didn't watch the show before. I didn't like go 937 00:49:27,719 --> 00:49:31,080 Speaker 4: on it for like I remember being like I don't 938 00:49:31,120 --> 00:49:34,759 Speaker 4: care that I have like millions of followers, like I 939 00:49:35,200 --> 00:49:41,520 Speaker 4: genuinely don't. Like I really thought that like all these 940 00:49:41,560 --> 00:49:44,400 Speaker 4: doors were opening, like I didn't even pursue this, and 941 00:49:44,440 --> 00:49:49,759 Speaker 4: then this happened, and so now it has to be 942 00:49:49,800 --> 00:49:51,320 Speaker 4: worth it. This it didn't work out the way I 943 00:49:51,360 --> 00:49:54,120 Speaker 4: wanted it to, and now it's got to be worth something. 944 00:49:54,120 --> 00:49:57,440 Speaker 4: So I just like, yeah, I wasn't I didn't like 945 00:49:57,520 --> 00:50:00,000 Speaker 4: talk to anybody. I was pretty not in a good place. 946 00:50:00,040 --> 00:50:02,680 Speaker 4: You know, I text you nothing, nothing good, but that 947 00:50:02,800 --> 00:50:04,240 Speaker 4: was like everything I ghosted. 948 00:50:04,360 --> 00:50:05,200 Speaker 3: I was ghosted as well. 949 00:50:05,280 --> 00:50:11,160 Speaker 2: Yeah, I get you, because when I'm in a person, 950 00:50:11,200 --> 00:50:12,200 Speaker 2: when I'm down. 951 00:50:12,440 --> 00:50:15,439 Speaker 3: I I can't even say hi. No, I don't even 952 00:50:15,480 --> 00:50:18,160 Speaker 3: want to say like I need space. 953 00:50:18,200 --> 00:50:20,359 Speaker 4: I can't say I can't say anything because I think 954 00:50:20,360 --> 00:50:22,840 Speaker 4: it was like also vulnerable. I didn't want people to 955 00:50:23,040 --> 00:50:25,719 Speaker 4: even though it was pretty I mean to me, No, 956 00:50:25,760 --> 00:50:28,000 Speaker 4: it wasn't obviously I wasn't talking to anybody. 957 00:50:27,560 --> 00:50:30,800 Speaker 3: But yeah, like I really isolate. 958 00:50:30,600 --> 00:50:33,120 Speaker 4: Pretty bad, and in that time I really did, Like 959 00:50:33,160 --> 00:50:36,480 Speaker 4: my best friends at home would be like there's something wrong, 960 00:50:37,239 --> 00:50:39,759 Speaker 4: like they really knew there was stuff there's it was. 961 00:50:40,320 --> 00:50:40,879 Speaker 3: It was bad. 962 00:50:41,080 --> 00:50:43,719 Speaker 4: Yeah, it was really hard time and then it got 963 00:50:44,040 --> 00:50:45,120 Speaker 4: worse before it got better. 964 00:50:45,200 --> 00:50:45,720 Speaker 3: But like. 965 00:50:47,480 --> 00:50:49,480 Speaker 4: It, I think that's for anybody that's like having a 966 00:50:49,480 --> 00:50:52,920 Speaker 4: hard time. Sometimes it's like not on your The healing 967 00:50:52,920 --> 00:50:55,120 Speaker 4: process has been a lot longer than I would have 968 00:50:55,280 --> 00:50:57,319 Speaker 4: liked it to be, but it's been so worth it. 969 00:50:58,280 --> 00:51:01,759 Speaker 4: But yeah, what goes for ghosting? I guess must come 970 00:51:01,880 --> 00:51:05,440 Speaker 4: up bigger like actually not kidding because I well. 971 00:51:05,320 --> 00:51:09,319 Speaker 2: Know it really happened, but I get it. I was like, 972 00:51:09,480 --> 00:51:11,360 Speaker 2: she goes to me, but I feel that because I 973 00:51:11,440 --> 00:51:11,719 Speaker 2: do that. 974 00:51:11,920 --> 00:51:14,880 Speaker 3: Yeah, because a ghost or too as. 975 00:51:14,719 --> 00:51:19,359 Speaker 2: A ghost myself. Yes, what's next? You have a podcast? 976 00:51:20,000 --> 00:51:20,800 Speaker 2: Better tomorrow? 977 00:51:20,960 --> 00:51:25,200 Speaker 3: Yes, you have a two books. Yes, mistakes. We never 978 00:51:25,320 --> 00:51:26,840 Speaker 3: made a novel. 979 00:51:28,600 --> 00:51:29,120 Speaker 4: Out now. 980 00:51:29,320 --> 00:51:32,400 Speaker 3: Yes, do you have things on the horizon? 981 00:51:33,160 --> 00:51:36,239 Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm actually working on book two. Oh so this 982 00:51:36,320 --> 00:51:39,920 Speaker 4: is gonna be like a is it? It's well, the 983 00:51:39,960 --> 00:51:44,680 Speaker 4: story continues, it's in the same world. So some of 984 00:51:44,719 --> 00:51:46,840 Speaker 4: the characters that you reading another book. 985 00:51:47,280 --> 00:51:50,319 Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm in my author era and I love it. 986 00:51:50,400 --> 00:51:52,800 Speaker 3: Do you want a series so much? 987 00:51:52,840 --> 00:51:55,480 Speaker 4: I would like both a series and a movie. Oh oh, 988 00:51:55,760 --> 00:51:57,520 Speaker 4: I mean like a book series. Like I'm like, yeah, 989 00:51:57,520 --> 00:52:01,880 Speaker 4: I hope this continues, but yeah, I would love I 990 00:52:01,880 --> 00:52:04,560 Speaker 4: can see it being both, honestly, So it just depends 991 00:52:04,560 --> 00:52:06,800 Speaker 4: on who picks it up. Who picks it up and 992 00:52:06,920 --> 00:52:09,000 Speaker 4: you're scross. I mean everybody wants that. That's the dream. 993 00:52:09,040 --> 00:52:12,239 Speaker 4: I'm gonna like put it out there. Yeah, so we're 994 00:52:12,280 --> 00:52:13,480 Speaker 4: here own book two right now. 995 00:52:13,719 --> 00:52:15,400 Speaker 3: I respect it so much. Let me tell you. 996 00:52:15,440 --> 00:52:17,480 Speaker 1: When I did my book, I wrote it with one 997 00:52:17,520 --> 00:52:19,640 Speaker 1: of my best friends, so it was like fifty percent 998 00:52:19,719 --> 00:52:21,680 Speaker 1: of the work, and I still came out of that 999 00:52:21,760 --> 00:52:24,440 Speaker 1: being like who it's I'm good for a minute. 1000 00:52:24,480 --> 00:52:25,440 Speaker 3: And it's a long. 1001 00:52:25,360 --> 00:52:27,520 Speaker 4: It's such a long process and people be like, what 1002 00:52:27,520 --> 00:52:30,759 Speaker 4: are you doing and You're like, I'm doing the same 1003 00:52:30,760 --> 00:52:31,680 Speaker 4: thing I was doing. 1004 00:52:31,520 --> 00:52:34,560 Speaker 3: A few months. Yeah, though, I'm literally, yeah, I know. 1005 00:52:34,640 --> 00:52:35,839 Speaker 3: And it's very funny because I do. 1006 00:52:35,960 --> 00:52:37,399 Speaker 4: I do the podcast and then I do the morning 1007 00:52:37,400 --> 00:52:39,120 Speaker 4: show with Ryan, and that's you put it out, and 1008 00:52:39,160 --> 00:52:41,160 Speaker 4: you put it up the same day, and like every day, 1009 00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:43,560 Speaker 4: it's like it's in and out. And the book was 1010 00:52:43,640 --> 00:52:47,120 Speaker 4: like so much in in in and in and in, 1011 00:52:47,440 --> 00:52:49,880 Speaker 4: and then it was finally out and I was like, wow, yeah, 1012 00:52:49,920 --> 00:52:53,759 Speaker 4: it's great. Yeah yeah, so I'm I'm really excited. I 1013 00:52:53,800 --> 00:52:55,799 Speaker 4: think they'll be people when they read the book. They'll 1014 00:52:55,840 --> 00:52:57,560 Speaker 4: be a character they really want to know more about. 1015 00:52:57,640 --> 00:52:59,520 Speaker 4: And that that. 1016 00:53:00,200 --> 00:53:01,879 Speaker 3: Too, Yes, yeah, yeah. 1017 00:53:01,960 --> 00:53:05,440 Speaker 2: I just had this realization that Okay, you go on 1018 00:53:05,480 --> 00:53:07,880 Speaker 2: the Bachelor. I know it's not winning the Bachelor, but 1019 00:53:07,880 --> 00:53:09,440 Speaker 2: you become the Bachelor, and so you kind of won 1020 00:53:09,480 --> 00:53:10,000 Speaker 2: the Bachelor. 1021 00:53:11,400 --> 00:53:12,520 Speaker 3: You go on Dance with the Stars. 1022 00:53:12,560 --> 00:53:14,960 Speaker 2: You went Dance with the Stars, You go on Special Forces, 1023 00:53:14,960 --> 00:53:16,400 Speaker 2: you win Special Forces. 1024 00:53:16,520 --> 00:53:18,440 Speaker 3: I gosh, you're a winner. Are you gonna go on 1025 00:53:18,480 --> 00:53:21,120 Speaker 3: Traders next? Cause, like, I haven't really. 1026 00:53:21,040 --> 00:53:23,600 Speaker 4: Watched it, so people keep saying that they're like, you 1027 00:53:23,640 --> 00:53:24,680 Speaker 4: gotta go on Traders. 1028 00:53:24,680 --> 00:53:25,680 Speaker 3: You haven't watched it. 1029 00:53:26,040 --> 00:53:28,239 Speaker 4: I've watched like one episode. 1030 00:53:28,960 --> 00:53:31,040 Speaker 3: TV an option in your future. 1031 00:53:31,320 --> 00:53:33,719 Speaker 4: Yeah, I think if it like was in alignment with 1032 00:53:33,760 --> 00:53:35,839 Speaker 4: where I'm at now, you know, we're we're also in 1033 00:53:35,880 --> 00:53:39,000 Speaker 4: our deep, deep healing era, So like it would have 1034 00:53:39,080 --> 00:53:41,520 Speaker 4: to be something that was more like an experience, like 1035 00:53:41,600 --> 00:53:46,960 Speaker 4: a what experience or something that like can better me 1036 00:53:47,040 --> 00:53:50,880 Speaker 4: in some way, can prove me wrong about something about myself. 1037 00:53:50,960 --> 00:53:52,680 Speaker 4: Like I feel like Special Forces really did that. 1038 00:53:52,760 --> 00:53:55,000 Speaker 3: It is probably not gonna do that. It's gonna make 1039 00:53:55,000 --> 00:53:56,200 Speaker 3: you like lion sheet and steel. 1040 00:53:57,200 --> 00:54:00,160 Speaker 4: That's what Like, I feel like if I and I'm 1041 00:54:00,200 --> 00:54:02,719 Speaker 4: not a good liar, So if I had to be 1042 00:54:02,880 --> 00:54:05,719 Speaker 4: a trade is the trader, people like you'd be so good. 1043 00:54:05,719 --> 00:54:07,920 Speaker 4: I'm like, no, Like I won't win that show like 1044 00:54:08,080 --> 00:54:10,200 Speaker 4: that would That's just not in the cards for me. 1045 00:54:10,360 --> 00:54:12,239 Speaker 3: Like yeah, I don't think. 1046 00:54:12,680 --> 00:54:14,359 Speaker 4: But I feel like people would vote me off because 1047 00:54:14,360 --> 00:54:16,520 Speaker 4: they think of me as a winner. So I'm like, 1048 00:54:16,520 --> 00:54:17,719 Speaker 4: why you why do you go? 1049 00:54:18,680 --> 00:54:21,920 Speaker 3: Why you like she wins too much? Yeah? 1050 00:54:22,200 --> 00:54:27,120 Speaker 4: So but like I always feel like when I win, 1051 00:54:27,239 --> 00:54:31,879 Speaker 4: I'm like it was just like lucky, you know. But yeah, 1052 00:54:32,440 --> 00:54:34,160 Speaker 4: people will say that like, oh my gosh, they're such 1053 00:54:34,160 --> 00:54:37,160 Speaker 4: a winner. But like I guess I did pageants for 1054 00:54:37,200 --> 00:54:40,960 Speaker 4: a long time, and I did not win a lot 1055 00:54:41,320 --> 00:54:43,839 Speaker 4: like I did not win a lot like not even 1056 00:54:43,960 --> 00:54:46,600 Speaker 4: like get placed. And then I ended up winning and 1057 00:54:46,680 --> 00:54:48,719 Speaker 4: it was like a shock, like my mom going into 1058 00:54:48,760 --> 00:54:50,759 Speaker 4: there called me a first place loser, being in a 1059 00:54:50,840 --> 00:54:52,799 Speaker 4: very sweet way like being like because I'd be like, 1060 00:54:52,840 --> 00:54:55,719 Speaker 4: why am I still doing this? Like it is like 1061 00:54:56,000 --> 00:55:00,200 Speaker 4: hits hers my ego every single time. It's it's a 1062 00:55:00,400 --> 00:55:03,840 Speaker 4: hard life to live in this that pageant world, Like 1063 00:55:03,880 --> 00:55:05,759 Speaker 4: why am I doing this? And she was like, and 1064 00:55:05,840 --> 00:55:07,600 Speaker 4: I this was the one time I didn't like prep 1065 00:55:07,640 --> 00:55:08,920 Speaker 4: for it at all. I just went in and I 1066 00:55:08,920 --> 00:55:10,960 Speaker 4: was like, I'm just gonna be myself, like I'm pretty 1067 00:55:10,960 --> 00:55:13,399 Speaker 4: sure I read a sermon the day before to try 1068 00:55:13,440 --> 00:55:15,600 Speaker 4: to get me in a good like headspace before I 1069 00:55:15,600 --> 00:55:18,200 Speaker 4: walked into my interview, not like usually like girls will 1070 00:55:18,200 --> 00:55:21,760 Speaker 4: like have like logs of like questions that might be asked, 1071 00:55:21,800 --> 00:55:23,880 Speaker 4: Like no, I just like reade a sermon and a 1072 00:55:23,880 --> 00:55:25,719 Speaker 4: devotional out in my Bible and was like, all right, 1073 00:55:25,800 --> 00:55:30,640 Speaker 4: let's try this out. And I won, but like and 1074 00:55:30,680 --> 00:55:33,040 Speaker 4: then and then mister say, it didn't like win anything. 1075 00:55:33,040 --> 00:55:34,239 Speaker 4: It don't like it didn't even like. 1076 00:55:34,200 --> 00:55:34,640 Speaker 3: Place it in. 1077 00:55:34,760 --> 00:55:38,520 Speaker 4: It's like my whole life, I've kind of felt like yah, 1078 00:55:39,360 --> 00:55:41,160 Speaker 4: and so it's weird now people like think of me 1079 00:55:41,200 --> 00:55:43,360 Speaker 4: as like a winner. 1080 00:55:43,160 --> 00:55:45,880 Speaker 3: And I'm like, yeah, I am. You're a winner for us. 1081 00:55:46,239 --> 00:55:48,920 Speaker 4: Thank you, thank you. I'm like, what is is? 1082 00:55:48,920 --> 00:55:50,040 Speaker 3: It? Is it up? I don't know. 1083 00:55:50,880 --> 00:55:51,680 Speaker 4: It was a great run. 1084 00:55:51,800 --> 00:55:53,680 Speaker 3: You're just starting your own book number two? What the 1085 00:55:53,719 --> 00:55:57,439 Speaker 3: book number two? Yeah? And then wedding in twenty twenty five, 1086 00:55:57,560 --> 00:55:58,359 Speaker 3: twenty twenty six. 1087 00:55:59,000 --> 00:56:01,719 Speaker 4: I think we're we're we're hoping for twenty twenty five. 1088 00:56:01,760 --> 00:56:04,640 Speaker 3: We'll see. Do you have ideas, any ideas or have 1089 00:56:04,719 --> 00:56:05,440 Speaker 3: you even gone. 1090 00:56:05,280 --> 00:56:07,160 Speaker 4: That I haven't done any of it, but yeah, I 1091 00:56:07,200 --> 00:56:10,400 Speaker 4: have like a full board, not a pincher sport, like 1092 00:56:10,400 --> 00:56:13,440 Speaker 4: I just save dresses and they all like I just 1093 00:56:13,440 --> 00:56:15,759 Speaker 4: save any dress that I like, And there's like a 1094 00:56:16,239 --> 00:56:20,040 Speaker 4: obvious style that I like. Okay, but I would when 1095 00:56:20,080 --> 00:56:22,680 Speaker 4: I go. I'm gonna still try on everything. It's so fun. 1096 00:56:22,760 --> 00:56:23,880 Speaker 4: Do you have your wedding dress? 1097 00:56:23,960 --> 00:56:24,080 Speaker 2: No? 1098 00:56:24,120 --> 00:56:24,919 Speaker 3: I don't. I'm gonna. 1099 00:56:24,920 --> 00:56:26,600 Speaker 1: I think I'm gonna start trying on very soon. Do 1100 00:56:26,640 --> 00:56:28,239 Speaker 1: you have like a design like a do you have 1101 00:56:28,280 --> 00:56:30,120 Speaker 1: like a mermaid? I think is what I'm a mermaid. 1102 00:56:30,160 --> 00:56:31,560 Speaker 1: I think that's what I'm gonna like I can see 1103 00:56:31,600 --> 00:56:31,800 Speaker 1: in that. 1104 00:56:32,160 --> 00:56:36,319 Speaker 4: Yeah, I really want I don't like a poofy gown 1105 00:56:36,440 --> 00:56:39,560 Speaker 4: like not, but like I like a more like ball gown, 1106 00:56:40,400 --> 00:56:47,239 Speaker 4: cupcakey kind of like a Monique Lulie Oscar de la Renta. Yeah, yeah, moment, yeah, 1107 00:56:47,440 --> 00:56:50,280 Speaker 4: but like this being like really like tight tight yeah 1108 00:56:50,400 --> 00:56:52,040 Speaker 4: and yes, yeah. 1109 00:56:51,920 --> 00:56:52,919 Speaker 3: But not too big. 1110 00:56:53,000 --> 00:56:55,719 Speaker 4: Don't don't me think, you know, not with like a 1111 00:56:56,080 --> 00:56:58,080 Speaker 4: one of those hoop skirts under it, which is like 1112 00:56:58,200 --> 00:57:00,120 Speaker 4: I do want more of a full skirt. I think 1113 00:57:00,160 --> 00:57:02,160 Speaker 4: you watch me being like something like skin tight. 1114 00:57:02,680 --> 00:57:05,960 Speaker 3: I think it changes. That's what I've heard from. 1115 00:57:05,840 --> 00:57:09,600 Speaker 4: Everyone, but I'm thinking I want something like I want. 1116 00:57:09,400 --> 00:57:10,640 Speaker 3: To feel like a bride. 1117 00:57:10,800 --> 00:57:16,080 Speaker 4: A bride and I've wore like all the tight, sexy 1118 00:57:16,200 --> 00:57:19,840 Speaker 4: dresses and like I've just done that. I want to 1119 00:57:19,880 --> 00:57:21,680 Speaker 4: do that. I don't think I want to feel like 1120 00:57:21,680 --> 00:57:22,400 Speaker 4: a princess. 1121 00:57:22,680 --> 00:57:24,560 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I really do. 1122 00:57:25,400 --> 00:57:27,439 Speaker 4: Like the longest bill ever, it's like, oh my gosh, 1123 00:57:27,520 --> 00:57:29,680 Speaker 4: we get it. You're not King Middleton, but I want 1124 00:57:29,720 --> 00:57:30,200 Speaker 4: to feel. 1125 00:57:30,040 --> 00:57:32,919 Speaker 3: Like it that day, Yeah, as you should. Yeah. Yeah, well, 1126 00:57:32,960 --> 00:57:34,640 Speaker 3: we are so happy for you. 1127 00:57:34,800 --> 00:57:38,400 Speaker 2: I'm so I'm genuinely like so proud of the work 1128 00:57:38,440 --> 00:57:41,320 Speaker 2: because I know I know, just going through therapy, the 1129 00:57:41,360 --> 00:57:44,040 Speaker 2: work that it takes to get down to the to 1130 00:57:44,080 --> 00:57:46,600 Speaker 2: the bottom to get to the top. Yes, you're doing it, 1131 00:57:46,640 --> 00:57:48,920 Speaker 2: and I love that you're talking about it publicly. And 1132 00:57:49,360 --> 00:57:50,320 Speaker 2: thank you for coming on. 1133 00:57:50,400 --> 00:57:54,000 Speaker 3: And yeah, thank you coming back on. I love to 1134 00:57:54,040 --> 00:57:56,640 Speaker 3: be here. We love you so much.