WEBVTT - Ruthie Lindsey: Author and Motivational Speaker 0:00:09.320 --> 0:00:23.720 Carol, She's a queen. She not afraid of just no Caral. 0:00:25.400 --> 0:00:29.440 This sounds care this episode of Get Real podcast, I 0:00:29.440 --> 0:00:32.559 have a really incredible, incredible woman naming her name is 0:00:32.600 --> 0:00:35.120 Ruthie Lindsay. I first saw her when I went to 0:00:35.159 --> 0:00:39.600 see Glennon Doyle's how she had a big live speaking 0:00:39.600 --> 0:00:42.080 conference UM show that she put on a tea pack 0:00:42.280 --> 0:00:45.200 and Ruthie Lindsay was one of her guests. Glennon Doyle 0:00:45.479 --> 0:00:49.600 love Lawyer and Gosh. I was inspired by Ruthie's story. 0:00:49.800 --> 0:00:51.479 She talked about how she was hit by an ambulance 0:00:51.520 --> 0:00:54.520 when she was a teenager and how she got all 0:00:54.640 --> 0:00:59.520 sorts of just physical pain that literally crippled her life. 0:00:59.560 --> 0:01:02.920 She couldn't get out of bed for seven years. It 0:01:02.960 --> 0:01:06.560 infected her marriage, she ended up getting divorced. It affected 0:01:06.600 --> 0:01:09.240 every area of her life. And she just wrote a 0:01:09.280 --> 0:01:12.640 book called There I Am about her healing process from 0:01:12.680 --> 0:01:15.480 hopelessness to healing, and she talks about all the extense 0:01:15.520 --> 0:01:18.600 of therapy that she's done, how she has learned how 0:01:18.680 --> 0:01:23.320 to overcome um not just physical pain, but emotional trauma, 0:01:23.400 --> 0:01:27.240 and going back into her life in addressing those traumatic 0:01:27.319 --> 0:01:31.839 situations and rewiring her brain and her life and her perspective, 0:01:32.560 --> 0:01:36.039 and she just talks about how important perspective is and 0:01:36.640 --> 0:01:40.480 her faith and her spirituality and her connectedness, and it 0:01:40.680 --> 0:01:44.400 is really, really she is one of those women and 0:01:44.520 --> 0:01:46.639 one of those people who has done so much work 0:01:46.760 --> 0:01:49.600 on their trauma and come to the other side of 0:01:49.600 --> 0:01:52.920 it that it is nothing short of inspiring. And we 0:01:53.040 --> 0:01:55.560 need people like this in the world to give us hope. 0:01:55.600 --> 0:01:58.480 And I feel so excited to share this interview with 0:01:58.560 --> 0:02:02.320 you guys, because I left feeling so inspired. I've been 0:02:02.360 --> 0:02:03.880 in a little bit of a stressful point in my 0:02:03.920 --> 0:02:06.440 life right now. Nashville just got hit by a tornado. 0:02:06.680 --> 0:02:08.560 There's so much going on in the world, with like 0:02:08.600 --> 0:02:12.720 the coronavirus, careers, being a new mom. Everyone has so 0:02:12.800 --> 0:02:14.560 much on their plate. And to talk to someone like 0:02:14.639 --> 0:02:18.080 Ruthie and to really get that sense of calmness and 0:02:18.120 --> 0:02:23.560 that there is a bigger message in force at play 0:02:23.639 --> 0:02:26.880 and that it's all for a higher good, it's really comforting. 0:02:26.880 --> 0:02:28.800 And I hope that you feel that comfort from this interview. 0:02:29.440 --> 0:02:34.560 I know you will. Hi. Hi, I'm here with Roothie Lindsay. 0:02:34.840 --> 0:02:38.560 I'm just happy to be here with you. I've known 0:02:38.600 --> 0:02:41.359 about you for a long time on different levels. Because 0:02:41.680 --> 0:02:45.640 I first heard you speak at Glennon Doyle's um events 0:02:45.639 --> 0:02:50.120 that she put on the tea pack and it was 0:02:50.320 --> 0:02:54.040 really awesome. And I remember hearing your story and being like, whoa, 0:02:54.680 --> 0:02:58.960 that's a story right there. And then I'm friends with 0:02:59.040 --> 0:03:03.400 Vanessa and Miles Cox and you have the Unspoken Podcast 0:03:03.440 --> 0:03:08.240 of Miles, such a great podcast. So much he is, 0:03:08.600 --> 0:03:11.959 oh my goodness, one of my greatest teachers. He is 0:03:12.000 --> 0:03:14.880 a great teacher. It's inn't that a wonderful way to 0:03:14.919 --> 0:03:18.800 be described. He really is. He's like my brother and 0:03:18.840 --> 0:03:21.400 one of my dearest friends and one of my greatest teachers. 0:03:21.639 --> 0:03:24.400 He's just, yes, such a gift. He was like a 0:03:24.440 --> 0:03:26.400 sole family member, you know, those people you meet and 0:03:26.440 --> 0:03:29.880 you're like, oh, there you are. I didn't know I've 0:03:29.880 --> 0:03:33.600 been missing you. And it was just an instant friendship 0:03:34.040 --> 0:03:37.800 right away. So it's been really special. Who's helped me 0:03:37.920 --> 0:03:41.280 in so many ways and helped expand me and grow 0:03:41.360 --> 0:03:44.280 me and take me kind of to a whole next 0:03:44.320 --> 0:03:48.880 level of expansion. Really, so is that your goal to expand? 0:03:49.800 --> 0:03:56.360 Oh gosh, I mean yes, I think my hope is to, like, 0:03:57.800 --> 0:04:00.320 you know, I want to always be a student and 0:04:00.440 --> 0:04:03.920 always stay curious. And I want to do the work 0:04:03.960 --> 0:04:07.200 that I think I came here to do, you know, 0:04:07.480 --> 0:04:10.560 and too, I want to do my own like healing 0:04:10.560 --> 0:04:12.600 work so that I can then go out and be 0:04:12.640 --> 0:04:15.240 a mirror of the healing that is for everyone. I 0:04:15.280 --> 0:04:19.720 think that's my deepest sole purpose um is to heal 0:04:20.680 --> 0:04:23.760 and too, And like I mean that's you know, that's 0:04:23.760 --> 0:04:26.119 going to go on until I'm on the other side. 0:04:26.440 --> 0:04:30.440 But to share that journey of hope, that that healing 0:04:30.480 --> 0:04:33.240 that is literally I think everyone's It's not unique to 0:04:33.240 --> 0:04:35.640 me at all, you know. I think it's like if 0:04:35.680 --> 0:04:38.800 you're breathing and you're alive, like you're created to heal 0:04:39.680 --> 0:04:43.880 um emotionally, spiritually, yeah, and you have basically yeah, just 0:04:43.920 --> 0:04:47.400 in all the ways. Why is it that is our 0:04:47.960 --> 0:04:51.320 It's like so interesting because like I'm so glad to 0:04:51.320 --> 0:04:53.200 be talking to you after the tornado too that just hit. 0:04:54.320 --> 0:04:57.159 But why is it that it feels like the whole 0:04:57.320 --> 0:05:00.279 point of this earth and this life is to heal? 0:05:01.320 --> 0:05:03.359 You know. It's like we come here and it's like 0:05:03.360 --> 0:05:07.400 we almost like we start off pure, but then what 0:05:07.600 --> 0:05:10.520 happens and like the whole journey everything we do, like 0:05:10.839 --> 0:05:13.400 the careers, the money is the drives, the purpose, like 0:05:13.440 --> 0:05:15.840 what we put on pedestals, but all that is just 0:05:15.920 --> 0:05:18.800 to get us to a state of joy and happiness 0:05:18.839 --> 0:05:20.800 and what we think will make us feel good, to 0:05:20.920 --> 0:05:25.200 heal all of this pain, like you said, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Yeah, 0:05:25.720 --> 0:05:27.240 and I mean I think. I mean I call it 0:05:27.360 --> 0:05:30.000 earth school because I'm like, oh my god, our it's 0:05:30.000 --> 0:05:32.920 school is so hard. School is so hard. I'm so 0:05:32.960 --> 0:05:35.919 happy to talk to you about this. Sometimes I'm like, 0:05:36.000 --> 0:05:40.680 god like, but really, I've come to this place in 0:05:40.720 --> 0:05:43.159 this perspective. I lived in like victim mode for a 0:05:43.279 --> 0:05:45.719 really really long because you were hit by an ambulance 0:05:45.760 --> 0:05:47.680 and we're in chronic pain for so I want to 0:05:47.680 --> 0:05:49.360 get into your story because you have this new book 0:05:49.400 --> 0:05:53.240 there I am. It's amazing book talking about your journey 0:05:53.240 --> 0:05:57.279 from hopelessness to finding faith and now that's your message. Okay, 0:05:57.320 --> 0:06:01.120 but go on please. Yeah, I really I believe that, 0:06:01.560 --> 0:06:07.240 um my journey is like all these really painful, hard 0:06:07.279 --> 0:06:09.320 things that happened, I think they all ended up just 0:06:09.360 --> 0:06:13.680 being these like truly invitations to just to come home 0:06:13.720 --> 0:06:17.719 to myself and to heal myself and to do really 0:06:17.760 --> 0:06:22.360 really loving hard freaking work. Um that I was so 0:06:22.480 --> 0:06:25.800 disassociated for so long, which I still struggle that that's 0:06:25.839 --> 0:06:28.360 like my daily practice to come home into my body. 0:06:28.440 --> 0:06:32.360 And you know, we disassociate when trauma happens to survive, 0:06:32.400 --> 0:06:35.040 and it's really loving to do that so that we 0:06:35.120 --> 0:06:38.680 can keep living, you know. But it works until it doesn't. 0:06:38.680 --> 0:06:42.480 And I live disassociated for a large portion of my life, 0:06:42.640 --> 0:06:45.440 and I wasn't able to actually be in the moment 0:06:45.480 --> 0:06:48.040 and be present. I was always like future tripping or 0:06:48.240 --> 0:06:50.560 fearful of the past or just shut down, you know. 0:06:50.839 --> 0:06:53.719 And I totally get that hat and I think it's 0:06:53.760 --> 0:06:58.200 like the natural human condition, like hard moment, Oh my gosh, 0:06:58.240 --> 0:07:01.200 it's the hardest. It's like at work and be like, 0:07:01.200 --> 0:07:04.640 oh here I am, you're safe, you're good, you're heald, 0:07:04.680 --> 0:07:09.280 you're loved, you know, and like I'll literally I'll realize 0:07:09.279 --> 0:07:12.800 that like I have driven to another place and like 0:07:12.880 --> 0:07:14.760 the other side of town and I don't remember any 0:07:14.800 --> 0:07:18.520 of it, and like I'm just completely disassociated and it's 0:07:19.320 --> 0:07:22.080 all the time. Yeah, it's so common. And I'm sure 0:07:22.160 --> 0:07:24.920 like as a new mom, you're in like survival mode, 0:07:24.920 --> 0:07:27.160 oh my gosh, without sleep. And I mean that just 0:07:27.240 --> 0:07:30.600 adds to a whole other layer. And I'm just you know, 0:07:30.840 --> 0:07:35.040 have grace for yourself because that's just a very specific, crazy, crazy, 0:07:35.200 --> 0:07:41.360 crazy time. But yeah, I mean, I wouldn't change any 0:07:41.440 --> 0:07:43.840 of it, any of the things that happened, because I 0:07:43.920 --> 0:07:46.360 know that all of it ended up being the things 0:07:46.400 --> 0:07:50.280 that like ultimately brought me here and brought me to 0:07:50.360 --> 0:07:56.680 this like really precious healing place where you know, Um, 0:07:56.880 --> 0:07:59.840 I had a lot of limiting stories that I believed 0:07:59.840 --> 0:08:02.160 with every ounce of me and of what I thought 0:08:02.160 --> 0:08:03.600 my life was going to look like in the future, 0:08:03.640 --> 0:08:06.720 and about my pain. So what were they? Um? My 0:08:06.760 --> 0:08:09.160 pain was worse every year for about fifteen years. How 0:08:09.200 --> 0:08:11.560 old were you got hit? I was a senior in 0:08:11.600 --> 0:08:15.240 high school. You got hit by an ambulance in your car? 0:08:15.360 --> 0:08:17.640 In my car, he hit me on my car speeding 0:08:17.640 --> 0:08:19.720 because he had another person on his way home and 0:08:19.760 --> 0:08:21.600 it was my fault, and I pulled out in front 0:08:21.600 --> 0:08:23.600 of him and he hit me on my car door 0:08:23.880 --> 0:08:26.800 going about sixty five and I broke three ribs, and 0:08:26.800 --> 0:08:29.440 I punctured my lungs. My lungs collapsed and my spleen ruptured, 0:08:29.480 --> 0:08:31.080 and then I broke the top two vertebrae in my 0:08:31.160 --> 0:08:33.280 neck see one and C two. So I had like 0:08:33.320 --> 0:08:35.760 a five percent chance to live in a one percent 0:08:35.840 --> 0:08:40.000 chance to walk. Um. But I was just really lucky 0:08:40.080 --> 0:08:44.000 and young and youthful and healthy, and I like left. Um. 0:08:44.040 --> 0:08:45.880 I mean I was on life support the whole ship being. 0:08:45.960 --> 0:08:48.680 I was in the hospital for about a month lunicoma. Nope, 0:08:48.920 --> 0:08:53.040 I wasn't. Um. I mean I was so freaking fortunate. 0:08:53.120 --> 0:08:54.920 I mean they had me sedated, you know, and all 0:08:54.960 --> 0:09:01.199 of that, but um, I remember little pieces of it. Um. 0:09:01.240 --> 0:09:02.920 And after about a week they were able to get 0:09:02.920 --> 0:09:04.880 me off life support. And then they did my spinal 0:09:04.920 --> 0:09:07.280 cord surgery and they took bone from my hip and 0:09:07.480 --> 0:09:12.160 um fused it with wire into my neck. Um. It 0:09:12.240 --> 0:09:14.520 was kind of an experimental surgery. No, that was just 0:09:14.559 --> 0:09:17.439 the standard. I mean most people didn't survive that high 0:09:17.679 --> 0:09:19.640 up you know of a breaks, but that because you're 0:09:19.640 --> 0:09:21.720 supposed to be paralyzed, you know. Literally, I had a 0:09:21.720 --> 0:09:23.760 five percent chance to live in a one percent chance 0:09:23.800 --> 0:09:27.440 to walk. Um. I was so fortunate. Like it's insane 0:09:27.480 --> 0:09:30.319 that I'm alive and breathing and functioning and you know 0:09:30.480 --> 0:09:33.679 all the things. Um, but I was lucky, and I 0:09:33.800 --> 0:09:35.520 left the hospital after about a month with a neck 0:09:35.559 --> 0:09:37.679 brace for about six months and went kind of back 0:09:37.720 --> 0:09:40.320 to life as normal, walking and living. Oh yeah, I 0:09:40.360 --> 0:09:42.080 mean by looking at me, you never know. All my 0:09:42.120 --> 0:09:44.719 scars are hidden by hair and clothing and you know, 0:09:45.280 --> 0:09:49.719 so you wouldn't know. And I really, again so disassociated. 0:09:49.720 --> 0:09:51.400 I would talk about it in like third person, like 0:09:51.440 --> 0:09:53.880 it had happened to someone else. And I love telling stories, 0:09:53.880 --> 0:09:55.560 so it felt like just a fun story to tell, 0:09:55.679 --> 0:09:57.640 you know, But it didn't feel like it really had 0:09:57.679 --> 0:09:59.560 happened to me. And at the time, I didn't have 0:09:59.600 --> 0:10:02.640 any really residual effects. I didn't have pain from it. 0:10:02.679 --> 0:10:05.400 If I danced a lot, I get sore, but that's 0:10:05.400 --> 0:10:09.000 about it. UM until UM I moved to Nashville right 0:10:09.040 --> 0:10:14.120 out of college, and UM ended up meeting my first 0:10:14.160 --> 0:10:17.360 boyfriend getting married not too long after that. Because you're young, 0:10:17.400 --> 0:10:20.640 we were super young and just sweet little idiots. I 0:10:20.760 --> 0:10:24.640 felt guilty about sex and we're like trends so earnestly 0:10:24.720 --> 0:10:27.439 to be good and thought you had so many things 0:10:28.080 --> 0:10:31.640 you describe to that named that. I mean, I appreciate 0:10:31.800 --> 0:10:34.280 like all this, Like we were talking about fear before this, 0:10:34.360 --> 0:10:36.760 and like worry, all of these things are meant to 0:10:36.800 --> 0:10:39.440 protect us, that's right, And the fear about sex is 0:10:39.480 --> 0:10:43.160 meant to protect us. But when it's a shame story, 0:10:43.679 --> 0:10:45.760 shame story, and I was a part of a church 0:10:45.840 --> 0:10:49.320 that saying him ting about being a depraved, broken wretch, 0:10:49.480 --> 0:10:51.960 and you know, and I believed all of that. I 0:10:51.960 --> 0:10:55.920 mean I believed it very very very fully, and so 0:10:56.040 --> 0:10:58.360 honestly my journey of more than anything else, has been 0:10:58.360 --> 0:11:01.240 an unlearning and I remember bring the truth and coming 0:11:01.280 --> 0:11:04.240 home to the find the truth though, I mean I 0:11:04.280 --> 0:11:10.160 think in quiet and presence, in meditation and being in nature, 0:11:10.360 --> 0:11:13.560 bad being surrounded by people who are mirrors like Miles 0:11:13.600 --> 0:11:15.760 and so many of my friends that speak truth of 0:11:15.960 --> 0:11:20.839 just our inherent goodness and worthiness and being loved. No 0:11:20.880 --> 0:11:23.400 matter what I do in this freaking world, I am 0:11:23.480 --> 0:11:26.360 inherently worthy and valuable and good, and so is every 0:11:26.400 --> 0:11:29.760 other human that I ever encounter. But not everyone lives 0:11:29.800 --> 0:11:34.480 in the mentality because we're literally walking around with so 0:11:34.559 --> 0:11:37.240 much trauma and are living out of that space. Like 0:11:37.520 --> 0:11:40.040 on site they talk about when our responses are hysterical, 0:11:40.080 --> 0:11:44.360 they're always historical, and you're it's like you're speaking from 0:11:44.360 --> 0:11:46.960 this like deep wound, and you don't realize that you're 0:11:47.040 --> 0:11:50.000 That's like, what's driving us. Your Olympics system is firing 0:11:50.040 --> 0:11:52.880 and you're hitting on old wounds. That because our Olympics 0:11:52.920 --> 0:11:57.440 system doesn't know time. So in our brain, so we 0:11:57.520 --> 0:12:00.280 have UM. The oldest part of our and is the 0:12:00.360 --> 0:12:03.839 reptilian brain, and that's what's basically like, am I alive? 0:12:03.880 --> 0:12:05.680 And my breathing when you're on life support, they're keeping 0:12:05.720 --> 0:12:09.240 your reptile brain alive. UM. The next oldest part of 0:12:09.240 --> 0:12:13.360 our brain UM. With evolution came our limbic brain. And 0:12:13.760 --> 0:12:16.360 the only question the limbic brain is asking is am 0:12:16.360 --> 0:12:20.280 I safe? Am I safe? And what's wild is your 0:12:20.360 --> 0:12:24.080 limbic brain literally has no concept of time. So if 0:12:24.160 --> 0:12:27.720 some kind of trauma thing happens and you're triggered, it 0:12:28.000 --> 0:12:30.520 literally some kind of trauma that happened thirty years ago 0:12:30.559 --> 0:12:32.839 can feel like it's right now. And so that's why 0:12:32.880 --> 0:12:36.560 people's responses are hysterical because it literally you don't know 0:12:36.640 --> 0:12:39.360 that you're safe right now. You might feel like you're 0:12:39.360 --> 0:12:43.800 being abused again by whomever or because it doesn't know time. 0:12:44.320 --> 0:12:50.400 But the beautiful thing about that is because our beautiful brains, 0:12:50.960 --> 0:12:54.280 you know, are so wild and because our limbic system 0:12:54.320 --> 0:12:56.840 doesn't know time. We can go back in. That's why 0:12:56.840 --> 0:12:59.400 inner child work is so important. We can go back 0:12:59.440 --> 0:13:01.600 in and hell that part of us as though it's 0:13:01.600 --> 0:13:03.680 happening right now. So how do you do that? Oh 0:13:03.679 --> 0:13:06.400 my gosh, there's so many incredible like e m d 0:13:06.640 --> 0:13:08.520 R is that is like you go back and talk 0:13:08.559 --> 0:13:11.240 to your child. I do so many different Oh my girl, 0:13:13.840 --> 0:13:15.599 so many m d R. Do you know what the 0:13:15.760 --> 0:13:17.360 m d R is. It's not like you're trying to 0:13:17.400 --> 0:13:22.440 rewire right. You are literally creating new neuropathways in your brain. Um. 0:13:22.440 --> 0:13:24.560 But you'll go back in in a safe environment with 0:13:24.600 --> 0:13:27.360 a counselor and they will, um, they'll activate the left 0:13:27.400 --> 0:13:29.440 side and the right side of your brain, either through 0:13:29.480 --> 0:13:33.280 tapping or you'll hold these um little vibrators that will 0:13:33.280 --> 0:13:35.760 go left or right, or they'll there's a thing that 0:13:35.800 --> 0:13:37.880 they can do with your I mean there's it's basically 0:13:38.320 --> 0:13:41.280 whatever they're doing, whatever tactic they're using, is activating the 0:13:41.320 --> 0:13:42.880 left side and the right side of your brain. And 0:13:42.920 --> 0:13:46.040 I am not scientifically inclined, so I can't give you 0:13:46.080 --> 0:13:48.240 and I don't understand all the details of it. But 0:13:48.280 --> 0:13:50.920 all I know is in a safe environment with someone 0:13:50.920 --> 0:13:54.280 that you feel very cared for, you'll go back into 0:13:54.360 --> 0:13:59.680 these traumatic experiences and though your higher self, the person 0:13:59.800 --> 0:14:03.000 that you are now, or a safe person that you 0:14:03.040 --> 0:14:06.199 feel very cared for, will come with you and help. 0:14:06.720 --> 0:14:10.200 So like I've gone back into situations like of my 0:14:10.240 --> 0:14:15.119 wreck or situations in the hospital that we're super super traumatic, 0:14:15.160 --> 0:14:17.160 and these are things people block and don't ever want 0:14:17.160 --> 0:14:19.600 to touch again with their lives. So this is very scary. 0:14:19.640 --> 0:14:21.680 And it didn't go away, like the body, the body 0:14:21.720 --> 0:14:25.200 that keeps the score that book, Like literally your body remembers, 0:14:25.240 --> 0:14:27.000 even though your brain might have pushed it down, it 0:14:27.040 --> 0:14:29.760 doesn't go away. And so you're going back. You go 0:14:29.840 --> 0:14:32.280 back in, and that's the only way you can actually heal. 0:14:32.320 --> 0:14:35.240 And it's so hard, but we're so deserving and so 0:14:35.280 --> 0:14:38.720 worthy of this. You went back in one example for 0:14:39.200 --> 0:14:41.800 I mean, there's so many of them, all kinds of work, 0:14:41.880 --> 0:14:47.480 but in one example, um, I uh, in my second surgery. 0:14:47.480 --> 0:14:49.800 So basically I'll have to jump back a little bit 0:14:49.840 --> 0:14:52.520 with my story years later, the why what are the 0:14:52.520 --> 0:14:55.720 wires from my spinal cordfusion broke and pierce my brainstone? 0:14:56.360 --> 0:14:59.360 And they didn't know for like five years. That was it. 0:14:59.560 --> 0:15:01.840 That was called saying the pain. About a year after 0:15:01.960 --> 0:15:05.680 my marriage, UM, I started having debilitating pain like Cray 0:15:05.760 --> 0:15:08.160 had gotten married after I got married, UM, and we 0:15:08.200 --> 0:15:10.080 didn't know what was causing it. I went to all 0:15:10.120 --> 0:15:12.840 these different doctors. Every time I do a M M R. 0:15:12.880 --> 0:15:14.680 I they'd be like, Oh, there's this black spot on 0:15:14.720 --> 0:15:16.400 the film, but that's just the magnet in the machine 0:15:16.440 --> 0:15:19.120 interacting with the wire from your fusion. Everything around it 0:15:19.120 --> 0:15:21.600 looks they're saying that. For years, five years, I was 0:15:21.680 --> 0:15:25.160 just on narcotics, living in my bed, watching reality TV 0:15:25.480 --> 0:15:29.800 read my feelings, like taking every drug that they recommended, 0:15:29.840 --> 0:15:33.440 because you just was so much powerful and emotional, I 0:15:33.440 --> 0:15:34.920 mean all of it. And I didn't you know, I 0:15:34.920 --> 0:15:37.320 think so often when we're hurting, we just want to 0:15:37.320 --> 0:15:39.600 shut down, isolate, check out. And I just didn't want 0:15:39.640 --> 0:15:40.880 to hurt all the time. I didn't think I could 0:15:40.920 --> 0:15:43.640 handle it, and so I just took all the drugs. 0:15:43.680 --> 0:15:46.720 And I love numbing. It's like sevens want to avoid 0:15:46.760 --> 0:15:49.480 paint at all costs. And that was like my freaking job. 0:15:50.160 --> 0:15:52.880 And finally, after about five years, a doctor was like, 0:15:52.920 --> 0:15:54.560 I can't tell you what's going on until I see 0:15:54.600 --> 0:15:57.920 what's under that spot, and so basically a new doctor, 0:15:57.920 --> 0:15:59.360 I mean I had seen so many at this point, 0:15:59.440 --> 0:16:01.920 and basically a fifty dollar X ray showed that the 0:16:01.960 --> 0:16:05.400 wire had broken and pierced my brain stem and just 0:16:05.480 --> 0:16:07.480 no one had taken the time to look into that spot, 0:16:07.680 --> 0:16:09.880 right because everyone everyone just thought it was a magnet 0:16:11.040 --> 0:16:12.640 or no one just asked to look at it. I 0:16:12.680 --> 0:16:16.440 don't know, but I I shouldn't be alive. I shouldn't 0:16:16.440 --> 0:16:19.040 be breathing, shouldn't be walking, I shouldn't be speaking. I shouldn't. 0:16:19.040 --> 0:16:22.680 I mean, like no one's had that. It's like it 0:16:22.720 --> 0:16:26.440 was such a random Oh my god. Yeah, So, I 0:16:26.480 --> 0:16:29.200 mean so many things happened around that, and I'll spare 0:16:29.200 --> 0:16:31.880 you all the details because it's just insane. But basically, 0:16:32.600 --> 0:16:35.680 um my dad ended up passing away like two weeks 0:16:35.720 --> 0:16:37.560 later after we found out about this wire and all 0:16:37.600 --> 0:16:40.920 this other insane stuff. But I ended up, um I 0:16:40.960 --> 0:16:42.680 had to have the surgery to remove it because or 0:16:42.680 --> 0:16:44.600 like you shouldn't you know, if we don't get this out, 0:16:44.640 --> 0:16:50.240 like you like you're a taking time on the basically 0:16:50.280 --> 0:16:53.360 like I should be paralyzed. Oh like this wire could 0:16:53.360 --> 0:16:56.040 paralyze you. Oh yeah, no, I shouldn't have been able 0:16:56.080 --> 0:17:03.400 to breathe, speak, walk, talk anything because of the brain. Yeah. No, 0:17:03.560 --> 0:17:05.480 it was insane. And so they're like, we have to 0:17:05.520 --> 0:17:07.640 get this out. And it's an experimental surgery that there's 0:17:08.040 --> 0:17:09.920 no one's done this before because no one has had 0:17:09.920 --> 0:17:12.040 this before, so they don't know how it's going to 0:17:12.119 --> 0:17:14.040 go right, and they're like, we hope it will help 0:17:14.040 --> 0:17:15.960 build your pain, but we're like, we want you to 0:17:16.000 --> 0:17:18.040 be alive and we want you walking, you know, like 0:17:18.119 --> 0:17:20.840 that's that's the goal here. Hopefully it also helps with 0:17:20.880 --> 0:17:24.560 your pain. Um, I didn't know this extent of how 0:17:24.560 --> 0:17:26.320 bad it was. They told me, like, you know, I 0:17:26.320 --> 0:17:28.159 shouldn't be walking. I didn't know that I shouldn't be 0:17:28.200 --> 0:17:31.359 breathing or speaking or have brain function, you know, Thank god, 0:17:31.480 --> 0:17:33.440 because I could not have handled it at the time. 0:17:33.440 --> 0:17:36.159 I could barely handle anything. Um. I just wanted my 0:17:36.320 --> 0:17:38.840 dad and I wanted to not deal with any of 0:17:38.880 --> 0:17:40.840 the stuff. You know, did you have to go through 0:17:40.880 --> 0:17:44.080 the surgery when your dad died? After he died, yeah, 0:17:44.560 --> 0:17:47.440 right after. Um it took a while because I mean 0:17:47.720 --> 0:17:49.760 I didn't know who to go to, and doctors were 0:17:49.800 --> 0:17:52.240 pursuing me very heavily because they get off on much 0:17:52.440 --> 0:17:54.480 like being the one and only you know. So I 0:17:54.520 --> 0:17:56.520 was pursued by a lot of doctors, but I ended 0:17:56.560 --> 0:17:59.440 up choosing Mayo. And it's like top neurologists and top 0:17:59.520 --> 0:18:02.879 orthopedic surgeon did it together, and it was like a 0:18:02.960 --> 0:18:06.520 nine hour surgery and super intense and basically they removed 0:18:06.520 --> 0:18:08.480 the wire, they took bone from my other hip, and 0:18:08.520 --> 0:18:13.320 then they refused it with titanium screws and I mean 0:18:14.119 --> 0:18:17.120 all spary details. It was very traumatic and very painful, 0:18:17.119 --> 0:18:18.760 and I thought I would have told you before that 0:18:18.760 --> 0:18:20.480 surgery I lived at like a nine or ten, and 0:18:20.480 --> 0:18:23.000 then I was like, just kidding, it can be so 0:18:23.119 --> 0:18:25.840 much worse pain. I had no idea that it could be. 0:18:26.080 --> 0:18:31.840 So it was very traumatizing and so basically in pain, well, 0:18:31.880 --> 0:18:34.280 I mean surgery pain lasted a few weeks, you know. 0:18:34.520 --> 0:18:37.160 That's that was the really really intense and then after 0:18:37.240 --> 0:18:39.639 that I ended up having a lot of neurological stuff, 0:18:39.680 --> 0:18:41.280 like my right side just felt like it was on 0:18:41.359 --> 0:18:44.320 fire all the time. But basically one of the m 0:18:44.400 --> 0:18:46.600 d R s that I did was an experience that 0:18:46.640 --> 0:18:48.920 I had at the hospital a few days after they 0:18:48.920 --> 0:18:52.160 removed the wire. I started having um spinal cord fluid leakage, 0:18:52.240 --> 0:18:56.360 which is really dangerous, and so they had to rewire, 0:18:56.680 --> 0:19:01.439 basically put a new um. They wanted to reroute the 0:19:01.480 --> 0:19:03.520 fluid so that it came out of the bottom of 0:19:03.520 --> 0:19:05.840 my spine that they had to insert. I guess it 0:19:05.920 --> 0:19:08.399 was probably like the size of an epidural or bigger 0:19:09.080 --> 0:19:13.359 um a new spot so hopefully the drainage would come 0:19:13.400 --> 0:19:16.760 out there instead of at the spot of my surgery. 0:19:17.400 --> 0:19:22.000 And Mayo was a teaching hospital, and so they I mean, 0:19:22.040 --> 0:19:23.600 I was in so much pain and they had to 0:19:23.640 --> 0:19:26.800 like roll me over, which was horrific, and basically the 0:19:26.960 --> 0:19:30.400 student doctor, which you know, they have to learn somehow, 0:19:30.480 --> 0:19:33.919 but he couldn't find the spot. So he was just 0:19:34.800 --> 0:19:37.239 you know, like stabbing me over and over and it 0:19:37.280 --> 0:19:38.879 was like a pain that I didn't know and I 0:19:38.920 --> 0:19:40.800 was screaming at the top of my longs and it 0:19:40.880 --> 0:19:44.720 was just so traumatic, and no one was able to 0:19:44.720 --> 0:19:46.640 stay in the room with me because it was so bad. 0:19:46.760 --> 0:19:50.280 It was so bad, and so one of the experiences 0:19:50.320 --> 0:19:52.159 I talked about it in the book. When I was 0:19:52.200 --> 0:19:56.680 doing E. M. D R. I went in my higher self, 0:19:56.760 --> 0:20:00.119 my person today who I am um went into that 0:20:00.200 --> 0:20:04.240 experience when that was happening, and I basically and this 0:20:04.480 --> 0:20:06.640 your brain just does this. I didn't like plan any 0:20:06.680 --> 0:20:08.840 of this. This is all through M d R. And 0:20:08.920 --> 0:20:11.600 basically I looked the guy in the eye and I said, 0:20:11.720 --> 0:20:15.440 take your hands off of her, and like he stepped back, 0:20:15.480 --> 0:20:19.159 and I, like who I am today, literally picked her up, 0:20:20.320 --> 0:20:24.240 picked up that version of me in her neck brace 0:20:24.400 --> 0:20:27.400 and like carried her like her little neck and neck 0:20:27.400 --> 0:20:29.680 brace was like in my shoulder and I like carried 0:20:29.720 --> 0:20:32.040 her out of the room and I took care of her. 0:20:32.600 --> 0:20:35.240 And I and I have so many stories like that, 0:20:35.280 --> 0:20:37.240 but that's what you can do, like in E M 0:20:37.320 --> 0:20:39.159 d R. And it took the power away from it, 0:20:39.200 --> 0:20:43.080 like that situation doesn't have its hold on me Anymoreally, 0:20:43.119 --> 0:20:45.159 I was able to go into that part of my 0:20:45.240 --> 0:20:48.680 limbic brain and rewire it where I'm like I took 0:20:48.720 --> 0:20:50.840 care of myself and I am safe and my brain 0:20:50.880 --> 0:20:54.280 doesn't know the difference. It's that's why I like also 0:20:54.440 --> 0:20:57.840 in her child work like you can create now today 0:20:58.000 --> 0:21:01.600 a beautiful childhood. And it's it. It's the truth and 0:21:01.600 --> 0:21:04.240 it's the truth. It's science. This is like it sounds 0:21:04.240 --> 0:21:06.119 all woo woo, and like, are you of been kidding me? 0:21:06.240 --> 0:21:10.520 It's actually science. It's the most beautiful. Like the cover 0:21:10.600 --> 0:21:14.199 of my phone is a photo of me as a 0:21:14.240 --> 0:21:16.560 little girl because I had some like pre verbal trauma 0:21:16.560 --> 0:21:19.480