Speaker 1: Carol, She's a queen. She not afraid of just no Caral.
Speaker 1: This sounds care this episode of Get Real podcast, I
Speaker 1: have a really incredible, incredible woman naming her name is
Speaker 1: Ruthie Lindsay. I first saw her when I went to
Speaker 1: see Glennon Doyle's how she had a big live speaking
Speaker 1: conference UM show that she put on a tea pack
Speaker 1: and Ruthie Lindsay was one of her guests. Glennon Doyle
Speaker 1: love Lawyer and Gosh. I was inspired by Ruthie's story.
Speaker 1: She talked about how she was hit by an ambulance
Speaker 1: when she was a teenager and how she got all
Speaker 1: sorts of just physical pain that literally crippled her life.
Speaker 1: She couldn't get out of bed for seven years. It
Speaker 1: infected her marriage, she ended up getting divorced. It affected
Speaker 1: every area of her life. And she just wrote a
Speaker 1: book called There I Am about her healing process from
Speaker 1: hopelessness to healing, and she talks about all the extense
Speaker 1: of therapy that she's done, how she has learned how
Speaker 1: to overcome um not just physical pain, but emotional trauma,
Speaker 1: and going back into her life in addressing those traumatic
Speaker 1: situations and rewiring her brain and her life and her perspective,
Speaker 1: and she just talks about how important perspective is and
Speaker 1: her faith and her spirituality and her connectedness, and it
Speaker 1: is really, really she is one of those women and
Speaker 1: one of those people who has done so much work
Speaker 1: on their trauma and come to the other side of
Speaker 1: it that it is nothing short of inspiring. And we
Speaker 1: need people like this in the world to give us hope.
Speaker 1: And I feel so excited to share this interview with
Speaker 1: you guys, because I left feeling so inspired. I've been
Speaker 1: in a little bit of a stressful point in my
Speaker 1: life right now. Nashville just got hit by a tornado.
Speaker 1: There's so much going on in the world, with like
Speaker 1: the coronavirus, careers, being a new mom. Everyone has so
Speaker 1: much on their plate. And to talk to someone like
Speaker 1: Ruthie and to really get that sense of calmness and
Speaker 1: that there is a bigger message in force at play
Speaker 1: and that it's all for a higher good, it's really comforting.
Speaker 1: And I hope that you feel that comfort from this interview.
Speaker 1: I know you will. Hi. Hi, I'm here with Roothie Lindsay.
Speaker 1: I'm just happy to be here with you. I've known
Speaker 1: about you for a long time on different levels. Because
Speaker 1: I first heard you speak at Glennon Doyle's um events
Speaker 1: that she put on the tea pack and it was
Speaker 1: really awesome. And I remember hearing your story and being like, whoa,
Speaker 1: that's a story right there. And then I'm friends with
Speaker 1: Vanessa and Miles Cox and you have the Unspoken Podcast
Speaker 1: of Miles, such a great podcast. So much he is,
Speaker 1: oh my goodness, one of my greatest teachers. He is
Speaker 1: a great teacher. It's inn't that a wonderful way to
Speaker 1: be described. He really is. He's like my brother and
Speaker 1: one of my dearest friends and one of my greatest teachers.
Speaker 1: He's just, yes, such a gift. He was like a
Speaker 1: sole family member, you know, those people you meet and
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, there you are. I didn't know I've
Speaker 1: been missing you. And it was just an instant friendship
Speaker 1: right away. So it's been really special. Who's helped me
Speaker 1: in so many ways and helped expand me and grow
Speaker 1: me and take me kind of to a whole next
Speaker 1: level of expansion. Really, so is that your goal to expand?
Speaker 1: Oh gosh, I mean yes, I think my hope is to, like,
Speaker 1: you know, I want to always be a student and
Speaker 1: always stay curious. And I want to do the work
Speaker 1: that I think I came here to do, you know,
Speaker 1: and too, I want to do my own like healing
Speaker 1: work so that I can then go out and be
Speaker 1: a mirror of the healing that is for everyone. I
Speaker 1: think that's my deepest sole purpose um is to heal
Speaker 1: and too, And like I mean that's you know, that's
Speaker 1: going to go on until I'm on the other side.
Speaker 1: But to share that journey of hope, that that healing
Speaker 1: that is literally I think everyone's It's not unique to
Speaker 1: me at all, you know. I think it's like if
Speaker 1: you're breathing and you're alive, like you're created to heal
Speaker 1: um emotionally, spiritually, yeah, and you have basically yeah, just
Speaker 1: in all the ways. Why is it that is our
Speaker 1: It's like so interesting because like I'm so glad to
Speaker 1: be talking to you after the tornado too that just hit.
Speaker 1: But why is it that it feels like the whole
Speaker 1: point of this earth and this life is to heal?
Speaker 1: You know. It's like we come here and it's like
Speaker 1: we almost like we start off pure, but then what
Speaker 1: happens and like the whole journey everything we do, like
Speaker 1: the careers, the money is the drives, the purpose, like
Speaker 1: what we put on pedestals, but all that is just
Speaker 1: to get us to a state of joy and happiness
Speaker 1: and what we think will make us feel good, to
Speaker 1: heal all of this pain, like you said, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I mean I think. I mean I call it
Speaker 1: earth school because I'm like, oh my god, our it's
Speaker 1: school is so hard. School is so hard. I'm so
Speaker 1: happy to talk to you about this. Sometimes I'm like,
Speaker 1: god like, but really, I've come to this place in
Speaker 1: this perspective. I lived in like victim mode for a
Speaker 1: really really long because you were hit by an ambulance
Speaker 1: and we're in chronic pain for so I want to
Speaker 1: get into your story because you have this new book
Speaker 1: there I am. It's amazing book talking about your journey
Speaker 1: from hopelessness to finding faith and now that's your message. Okay,
Speaker 1: but go on please. Yeah, I really I believe that,
Speaker 1: um my journey is like all these really painful, hard
Speaker 1: things that happened, I think they all ended up just
Speaker 1: being these like truly invitations to just to come home
Speaker 1: to myself and to heal myself and to do really
Speaker 1: really loving hard freaking work. Um that I was so
Speaker 1: disassociated for so long, which I still struggle that that's
Speaker 1: like my daily practice to come home into my body.
Speaker 1: And you know, we disassociate when trauma happens to survive,
Speaker 1: and it's really loving to do that so that we
Speaker 1: can keep living, you know. But it works until it doesn't.
Speaker 1: And I live disassociated for a large portion of my life,
Speaker 1: and I wasn't able to actually be in the moment
Speaker 1: and be present. I was always like future tripping or
Speaker 1: fearful of the past or just shut down, you know.
Speaker 1: And I totally get that hat and I think it's
Speaker 1: like the natural human condition, like hard moment, Oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: it's the hardest. It's like at work and be like,
Speaker 1: oh here I am, you're safe, you're good, you're heald,
Speaker 1: you're loved, you know, and like I'll literally I'll realize
Speaker 1: that like I have driven to another place and like
Speaker 1: the other side of town and I don't remember any
Speaker 1: of it, and like I'm just completely disassociated and it's
Speaker 1: all the time. Yeah, it's so common. And I'm sure
Speaker 1: like as a new mom, you're in like survival mode,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, without sleep. And I mean that just
Speaker 1: adds to a whole other layer. And I'm just you know,
Speaker 1: have grace for yourself because that's just a very specific, crazy, crazy,
Speaker 1: crazy time. But yeah, I mean, I wouldn't change any
Speaker 1: of it, any of the things that happened, because I
Speaker 1: know that all of it ended up being the things
Speaker 1: that like ultimately brought me here and brought me to
Speaker 1: this like really precious healing place where you know, Um,
Speaker 1: I had a lot of limiting stories that I believed
Speaker 1: with every ounce of me and of what I thought
Speaker 1: my life was going to look like in the future,
Speaker 1: and about my pain. So what were they? Um? My
Speaker 1: pain was worse every year for about fifteen years. How
Speaker 1: old were you got hit? I was a senior in
Speaker 1: high school. You got hit by an ambulance in your car?
Speaker 1: In my car, he hit me on my car speeding
Speaker 1: because he had another person on his way home and
Speaker 1: it was my fault, and I pulled out in front
Speaker 1: of him and he hit me on my car door
Speaker 1: going about sixty five and I broke three ribs, and
Speaker 1: I punctured my lungs. My lungs collapsed and my spleen ruptured,
Speaker 1: and then I broke the top two vertebrae in my
Speaker 1: neck see one and C two. So I had like
Speaker 1: a five percent chance to live in a one percent
Speaker 1: chance to walk. Um. But I was just really lucky
Speaker 1: and young and youthful and healthy, and I like left. Um.
Speaker 1: I mean I was on life support the whole ship being.
Speaker 1: I was in the hospital for about a month lunicoma. Nope,
Speaker 1: I wasn't. Um. I mean I was so freaking fortunate.
Speaker 1: I mean they had me sedated, you know, and all
Speaker 1: of that, but um, I remember little pieces of it. Um.
Speaker 1: And after about a week they were able to get
Speaker 1: me off life support. And then they did my spinal
Speaker 1: cord surgery and they took bone from my hip and
Speaker 1: um fused it with wire into my neck. Um. It
Speaker 1: was kind of an experimental surgery. No, that was just
Speaker 1: the standard. I mean most people didn't survive that high
Speaker 1: up you know of a breaks, but that because you're
Speaker 1: supposed to be paralyzed, you know. Literally, I had a
Speaker 1: five percent chance to live in a one percent chance
Speaker 1: to walk. Um. I was so fortunate. Like it's insane
Speaker 1: that I'm alive and breathing and functioning and you know
Speaker 1: all the things. Um, but I was lucky, and I
Speaker 1: left the hospital after about a month with a neck
Speaker 1: brace for about six months and went kind of back
Speaker 1: to life as normal, walking and living. Oh yeah, I
Speaker 1: mean by looking at me, you never know. All my
Speaker 1: scars are hidden by hair and clothing and you know,
Speaker 1: so you wouldn't know. And I really, again so disassociated.
Speaker 1: I would talk about it in like third person, like
Speaker 1: it had happened to someone else. And I love telling stories,
Speaker 1: so it felt like just a fun story to tell,
Speaker 1: you know, But it didn't feel like it really had
Speaker 1: happened to me. And at the time, I didn't have
Speaker 1: any really residual effects. I didn't have pain from it.
Speaker 1: If I danced a lot, I get sore, but that's
Speaker 1: about it. UM until UM I moved to Nashville right
Speaker 1: out of college, and UM ended up meeting my first
Speaker 1: boyfriend getting married not too long after that. Because you're young,
Speaker 1: we were super young and just sweet little idiots. I
Speaker 1: felt guilty about sex and we're like trends so earnestly
Speaker 1: to be good and thought you had so many things
Speaker 1: you describe to that named that. I mean, I appreciate
Speaker 1: like all this, Like we were talking about fear before this,
Speaker 1: and like worry, all of these things are meant to
Speaker 1: protect us, that's right, And the fear about sex is
Speaker 1: meant to protect us. But when it's a shame story,
Speaker 1: shame story, and I was a part of a church
Speaker 1: that saying him ting about being a depraved, broken wretch,
Speaker 1: and you know, and I believed all of that. I
Speaker 1: mean I believed it very very very fully, and so
Speaker 1: honestly my journey of more than anything else, has been
Speaker 1: an unlearning and I remember bring the truth and coming
Speaker 1: home to the find the truth though, I mean I
Speaker 1: think in quiet and presence, in meditation and being in nature,
Speaker 1: bad being surrounded by people who are mirrors like Miles
Speaker 1: and so many of my friends that speak truth of
Speaker 1: just our inherent goodness and worthiness and being loved. No
Speaker 1: matter what I do in this freaking world, I am
Speaker 1: inherently worthy and valuable and good, and so is every
Speaker 1: other human that I ever encounter. But not everyone lives
Speaker 1: in the mentality because we're literally walking around with so
Speaker 1: much trauma and are living out of that space. Like
Speaker 1: on site they talk about when our responses are hysterical,
Speaker 1: they're always historical, and you're it's like you're speaking from
Speaker 1: this like deep wound, and you don't realize that you're
Speaker 1: That's like, what's driving us. Your Olympics system is firing
Speaker 1: and you're hitting on old wounds. That because our Olympics
Speaker 1: system doesn't know time. So in our brain, so we
Speaker 1: have UM. The oldest part of our and is the
Speaker 1: reptilian brain, and that's what's basically like, am I alive?
Speaker 1: And my breathing when you're on life support, they're keeping
Speaker 1: your reptile brain alive. UM. The next oldest part of
Speaker 1: our brain UM. With evolution came our limbic brain. And
Speaker 1: the only question the limbic brain is asking is am
Speaker 1: I safe? Am I safe? And what's wild is your
Speaker 1: limbic brain literally has no concept of time. So if
Speaker 1: some kind of trauma thing happens and you're triggered, it
Speaker 1: literally some kind of trauma that happened thirty years ago
Speaker 1: can feel like it's right now. And so that's why
Speaker 1: people's responses are hysterical because it literally you don't know
Speaker 1: that you're safe right now. You might feel like you're
Speaker 1: being abused again by whomever or because it doesn't know time.
Speaker 1: But the beautiful thing about that is because our beautiful brains,
Speaker 1: you know, are so wild and because our limbic system
Speaker 1: doesn't know time. We can go back in. That's why
Speaker 1: inner child work is so important. We can go back
Speaker 1: in and hell that part of us as though it's
Speaker 1: happening right now. So how do you do that? Oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, there's so many incredible like e m d
Speaker 1: R is that is like you go back and talk
Speaker 1: to your child. I do so many different Oh my girl,
Speaker 1: so many m d R. Do you know what the
Speaker 1: m d R is. It's not like you're trying to
Speaker 1: rewire right. You are literally creating new neuropathways in your brain. Um.
Speaker 1: But you'll go back in in a safe environment with
Speaker 1: a counselor and they will, um, they'll activate the left
Speaker 1: side and the right side of your brain, either through
Speaker 1: tapping or you'll hold these um little vibrators that will
Speaker 1: go left or right, or they'll there's a thing that
Speaker 1: they can do with your I mean there's it's basically
Speaker 1: whatever they're doing, whatever tactic they're using, is activating the
Speaker 1: left side and the right side of your brain. And
Speaker 1: I am not scientifically inclined, so I can't give you
Speaker 1: and I don't understand all the details of it. But
Speaker 1: all I know is in a safe environment with someone
Speaker 1: that you feel very cared for, you'll go back into
Speaker 1: these traumatic experiences and though your higher self, the person
Speaker 1: that you are now, or a safe person that you
Speaker 1: feel very cared for, will come with you and help.
Speaker 1: So like I've gone back into situations like of my
Speaker 1: wreck or situations in the hospital that we're super super traumatic,
Speaker 1: and these are things people block and don't ever want
Speaker 1: to touch again with their lives. So this is very scary.
Speaker 1: And it didn't go away, like the body, the body
Speaker 1: that keeps the score that book, Like literally your body remembers,
Speaker 1: even though your brain might have pushed it down, it
Speaker 1: doesn't go away. And so you're going back. You go
Speaker 1: back in, and that's the only way you can actually heal.
Speaker 1: And it's so hard, but we're so deserving and so
Speaker 1: worthy of this. You went back in one example for
Speaker 1: I mean, there's so many of them, all kinds of work,
Speaker 1: but in one example, um, I uh, in my second surgery.
Speaker 1: So basically I'll have to jump back a little bit
Speaker 1: with my story years later, the why what are the
Speaker 1: wires from my spinal cordfusion broke and pierce my brainstone?
Speaker 1: And they didn't know for like five years. That was it.
Speaker 1: That was called saying the pain. About a year after
Speaker 1: my marriage, UM, I started having debilitating pain like Cray
Speaker 1: had gotten married after I got married, UM, and we
Speaker 1: didn't know what was causing it. I went to all
Speaker 1: these different doctors. Every time I do a M M R.
Speaker 1: I they'd be like, Oh, there's this black spot on
Speaker 1: the film, but that's just the magnet in the machine
Speaker 1: interacting with the wire from your fusion. Everything around it
Speaker 1: looks they're saying that. For years, five years, I was
Speaker 1: just on narcotics, living in my bed, watching reality TV
Speaker 1: read my feelings, like taking every drug that they recommended,
Speaker 1: because you just was so much powerful and emotional, I
Speaker 1: mean all of it. And I didn't you know, I
Speaker 1: think so often when we're hurting, we just want to
Speaker 1: shut down, isolate, check out. And I just didn't want
Speaker 1: to hurt all the time. I didn't think I could
Speaker 1: handle it, and so I just took all the drugs.
Speaker 1: And I love numbing. It's like sevens want to avoid
Speaker 1: paint at all costs. And that was like my freaking job.
Speaker 1: And finally, after about five years, a doctor was like,
Speaker 1: I can't tell you what's going on until I see
Speaker 1: what's under that spot, and so basically a new doctor,
Speaker 1: I mean I had seen so many at this point,
Speaker 1: and basically a fifty dollar X ray showed that the
Speaker 1: wire had broken and pierced my brain stem and just
Speaker 1: no one had taken the time to look into that spot,
Speaker 1: right because everyone everyone just thought it was a magnet
Speaker 1: or no one just asked to look at it. I
Speaker 1: don't know, but I I shouldn't be alive. I shouldn't
Speaker 1: be breathing, shouldn't be walking, I shouldn't be speaking. I shouldn't.
Speaker 1: I mean, like no one's had that. It's like it
Speaker 1: was such a random Oh my god. Yeah, So, I
Speaker 1: mean so many things happened around that, and I'll spare
Speaker 1: you all the details because it's just insane. But basically,
Speaker 1: um my dad ended up passing away like two weeks
Speaker 1: later after we found out about this wire and all
Speaker 1: this other insane stuff. But I ended up, um I
Speaker 1: had to have the surgery to remove it because or
Speaker 1: like you shouldn't you know, if we don't get this out,
Speaker 1: like you like you're a taking time on the basically
Speaker 1: like I should be paralyzed. Oh like this wire could
Speaker 1: paralyze you. Oh yeah, no, I shouldn't have been able
Speaker 1: to breathe, speak, walk, talk anything because of the brain. Yeah. No,
Speaker 1: it was insane. And so they're like, we have to
Speaker 1: get this out. And it's an experimental surgery that there's
Speaker 1: no one's done this before because no one has had
Speaker 1: this before, so they don't know how it's going to
Speaker 1: go right, and they're like, we hope it will help
Speaker 1: build your pain, but we're like, we want you to
Speaker 1: be alive and we want you walking, you know, like
Speaker 1: that's that's the goal here. Hopefully it also helps with
Speaker 1: your pain. Um, I didn't know this extent of how
Speaker 1: bad it was. They told me, like, you know, I
Speaker 1: shouldn't be walking. I didn't know that I shouldn't be
Speaker 1: breathing or speaking or have brain function, you know, Thank god,
Speaker 1: because I could not have handled it at the time.
Speaker 1: I could barely handle anything. Um. I just wanted my
Speaker 1: dad and I wanted to not deal with any of
Speaker 1: the stuff. You know, did you have to go through
Speaker 1: the surgery when your dad died? After he died, yeah,
Speaker 1: right after. Um it took a while because I mean
Speaker 1: I didn't know who to go to, and doctors were
Speaker 1: pursuing me very heavily because they get off on much
Speaker 1: like being the one and only you know. So I
Speaker 1: was pursued by a lot of doctors, but I ended
Speaker 1: up choosing Mayo. And it's like top neurologists and top
Speaker 1: orthopedic surgeon did it together, and it was like a
Speaker 1: nine hour surgery and super intense and basically they removed
Speaker 1: the wire, they took bone from my other hip, and
Speaker 1: then they refused it with titanium screws and I mean
Speaker 1: all spary details. It was very traumatic and very painful,
Speaker 1: and I thought I would have told you before that
Speaker 1: surgery I lived at like a nine or ten, and
Speaker 1: then I was like, just kidding, it can be so
Speaker 1: much worse pain. I had no idea that it could be.
Speaker 1: So it was very traumatizing and so basically in pain, well,
Speaker 1: I mean surgery pain lasted a few weeks, you know.
Speaker 1: That's that was the really really intense and then after
Speaker 1: that I ended up having a lot of neurological stuff,
Speaker 1: like my right side just felt like it was on
Speaker 1: fire all the time. But basically one of the m
Speaker 1: d R s that I did was an experience that
Speaker 1: I had at the hospital a few days after they
Speaker 1: removed the wire. I started having um spinal cord fluid leakage,
Speaker 1: which is really dangerous, and so they had to rewire,
Speaker 1: basically put a new um. They wanted to reroute the
Speaker 1: fluid so that it came out of the bottom of
Speaker 1: my spine that they had to insert. I guess it
Speaker 1: was probably like the size of an epidural or bigger
Speaker 1: um a new spot so hopefully the drainage would come
Speaker 1: out there instead of at the spot of my surgery.
Speaker 1: And Mayo was a teaching hospital, and so they I mean,
Speaker 1: I was in so much pain and they had to
Speaker 1: like roll me over, which was horrific, and basically the
Speaker 1: student doctor, which you know, they have to learn somehow,
Speaker 1: but he couldn't find the spot. So he was just
Speaker 1: you know, like stabbing me over and over and it
Speaker 1: was like a pain that I didn't know and I
Speaker 1: was screaming at the top of my longs and it
Speaker 1: was just so traumatic, and no one was able to
Speaker 1: stay in the room with me because it was so bad.
Speaker 1: It was so bad, and so one of the experiences
Speaker 1: I talked about it in the book. When I was
Speaker 1: doing E. M. D R. I went in my higher self,
Speaker 1: my person today who I am um went into that
Speaker 1: experience when that was happening, and I basically and this
Speaker 1: your brain just does this. I didn't like plan any
Speaker 1: of this. This is all through M d R. And
Speaker 1: basically I looked the guy in the eye and I said,
Speaker 1: take your hands off of her, and like he stepped back,
Speaker 1: and I, like who I am today, literally picked her up,
Speaker 1: picked up that version of me in her neck brace
Speaker 1: and like carried her like her little neck and neck
Speaker 1: brace was like in my shoulder and I like carried
Speaker 1: her out of the room and I took care of her.
Speaker 1: And I and I have so many stories like that,
Speaker 1: but that's what you can do, like in E M
Speaker 1: d R. And it took the power away from it,
Speaker 1: like that situation doesn't have its hold on me Anymoreally,
Speaker 1: I was able to go into that part of my
Speaker 1: limbic brain and rewire it where I'm like I took
Speaker 1: care of myself and I am safe and my brain
Speaker 1: doesn't know the difference. It's that's why I like also
Speaker 1: in her child work like you can create now today
Speaker 1: a beautiful childhood. And it's it. It's the truth and
Speaker 1: it's the truth. It's science. This is like it sounds
Speaker 1: all woo woo, and like, are you of been kidding me?
Speaker 1: It's actually science. It's the most beautiful. Like the cover
Speaker 1: of my phone is a photo of me as a
Speaker 1: little girl because I had some like pre verbal trauma
Speaker 1: stuff that happened to me and that I know about
Speaker 1: for a really long time. And now I go in
Speaker 1: and I attuned to that little girl and I love
Speaker 1: on her, and like I listened to books on tape
Speaker 1: where I'm like literally like having someone read to me,
Speaker 1: and I do these things to honor my like inner child,
Speaker 1: like little Ruthie that had some really hard things, and
Speaker 1: it's the most loving, precious, truest thing you know. And
Speaker 1: it's like we're all so deserving of this, and it's
Speaker 1: it's real, Like I've watched the more that I've done
Speaker 1: so much of this trauma work. In the book The
Speaker 1: Body Keeps a Score, they talk about the mind body
Speaker 1: connection and so often we're living up in our body
Speaker 1: and we've connect in our minds and we've disconnected from
Speaker 1: our bodies that are like here to honor us and
Speaker 1: love us. I have anything, we just take it. We
Speaker 1: don't care about our body. We care about how it
Speaker 1: looks and that's it, and we talked to it horribly, horribly.
Speaker 1: I now call her she and I used to say
Speaker 1: my body hated me because I thought she was like
Speaker 1: the source of all of my pain. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: my body is against me and she has betrayed me,
Speaker 1: and she hates me, and I hate my body. So
Speaker 1: I ate horribly and I never moved it, and I
Speaker 1: never would ever try to come present, become present and
Speaker 1: meditate within my body because I'm like, that's it will
Speaker 1: kill me. That pain is so visceral, I it will
Speaker 1: overtake me and I'll never come back. And it's the
Speaker 1: exact opposite. It's the only way to heal is to
Speaker 1: come back into our bodies. And the more trauma work
Speaker 1: that I have done and going back into these really
Speaker 1: traumatic some early childhood, some around the wreck experiences, the
Speaker 1: more pain relief I've had, which sounds like your body
Speaker 1: is hanging on in my body held on like literally
Speaker 1: it holds onto those traumatic experiences. Like I cannot recommend
Speaker 1: Dr vander Colts, the body keeps the score enough because
Speaker 1: it's just it explains this and it's scientific. It's not
Speaker 1: it's right, and I am but this is also just
Speaker 1: this is science. And the more of this trauma work,
Speaker 1: this mind body work that I've done, like I'm able to.
Speaker 1: I literally just walked around Morocco for ten days like
Speaker 1: I could no more have traveled there. I lived in
Speaker 1: my bed for seven years, seven years, and you know,
Speaker 1: it was debilitating pain and nothing changed. I didn't have
Speaker 1: a new surgery. Like after that surgery, I went back
Speaker 1: to my bed for two more years because I wasn't
Speaker 1: just as much pain, but just a different type of pain.
Speaker 1: You know what was what was it still physical? Yes,
Speaker 1: it was burning like my whole rights for two years
Speaker 1: early on fire. I mean it's still a part of
Speaker 1: my story, but I'm working on it and it's so
Speaker 1: much better. But it was continued like seven years ago,
Speaker 1: had a complete nervous breakdown, my marriage ended, a lot
Speaker 1: of other really hard things happened, and I hit a
Speaker 1: wall and finally triggered the breakdown, my marriage ending, and
Speaker 1: I caught c diff this like bacterial infection which made
Speaker 1: me super super super sick, and I just hit a wall.
Speaker 1: I didn't want to be alive. My pain was so
Speaker 1: horrible and I've been living in my bed for seven years,
Speaker 1: and I was like I would rather fall asleep and
Speaker 1: not because this is horrific and what is your life?
Speaker 1: At this point? You're just trying to escape the pain.
Speaker 1: There was no life and can you imagine how horrible
Speaker 1: that would be for a partner like I wasn't able
Speaker 1: to show up as a partner, as a sister, as
Speaker 1: an aunt, as a friend, as a worker like I
Speaker 1: couldn't work, you know, And that breakdown, which now I
Speaker 1: call a breakthrough, was the best thing that ever happened
Speaker 1: to me because hitting that wall, literally it was like,
Speaker 1: I will die. I want I will you know, I
Speaker 1: want to die and I whatever I'm doing is not working.
Speaker 1: Have to change everything. And so my family wanted to
Speaker 1: send me away to get help. And that scared me
Speaker 1: more than anything because I cared so much of what
Speaker 1: people thought about me. And Um, the next day, I
Speaker 1: started weaning myself off of narcotics. Like I was on
Speaker 1: the highest level of Fitneil patch, which they give like
Speaker 1: dying cancer patients. I was on morphine, I was on
Speaker 1: hydro coda. I mean, I was on a ziploc bag
Speaker 1: filled with drugs and I weaned myself off of all
Speaker 1: of it. Um, So, how did you make that choice?
Speaker 1: So because you're on this line where it's like you
Speaker 1: want to die, but then instead you chose to live,
Speaker 1: Like what howd you make that? That's a big choice. Honestly,
Speaker 1: the original motivator was I didn't want to get sent away.
Speaker 1: That's where it started, because I cared so much of
Speaker 1: what other people thought of me. So then you actually,
Speaker 1: really you still care to live? At first I didn't.
Speaker 1: I don't think I would have said I want to die.
Speaker 1: I just remember thinking, please just fall asleep and not
Speaker 1: just let it, just let it be over. This is
Speaker 1: a living hell nightmare and I don't want to be here.
Speaker 1: But I never would have done anything to make that happen,
Speaker 1: you know. Um, the first motivator was literal fear of
Speaker 1: what other people thought. And I didn't want to be
Speaker 1: sent away because I was way caught up in all
Speaker 1: of that. And so thank god whatever it took to
Speaker 1: motivate me to start winning myself off the drugs. And
Speaker 1: as I started weaning myself off the drugs, my brain
Speaker 1: started coming back and I was able to start thinking clearly,
Speaker 1: like you're a shell of a human. Like narcotics are
Speaker 1: not created for chronic pain, it's for acute pain that's
Speaker 1: going to go. And I've been on all of this
Speaker 1: for seven years, and you just need more and more.
Speaker 1: And I was a shell of a human. I was
Speaker 1: not myself. I couldn't think like myself. I couldn't I
Speaker 1: had stopped sleeping. I mean, I was just I was
Speaker 1: not there. And so as I started sleeping, as I
Speaker 1: started winning about myself off these drugs, my brain started
Speaker 1: coming back and I was able to start seeing clearly.
Speaker 1: And you know, I really feel like I don't know
Speaker 1: if it was like my dad, my God's my higher
Speaker 1: version of myself came through and I was able. I
Speaker 1: remember I told myself to like make a list of
Speaker 1: all the things I'd love to do before I had pain,
Speaker 1: and and I literally would write these things down. I'm like,
Speaker 1: you love sunsets. I'm like, no, I'm give a shit
Speaker 1: about sunset? Like, yes, you do. You love sunsets? Like
Speaker 1: someone is talking to you, like isn't that crazy? So
Speaker 1: your higher self is actually communicating with what is this?
Speaker 1: What are you communicating with? I mean, it's like, who
Speaker 1: are you talking to? Talking to? My higher self was
Speaker 1: talking to my person and pain myself and pain that
Speaker 1: was just suffering and in trauma mode and in survivals
Speaker 1: are too distinct, and we all have our higher selves
Speaker 1: and that's why also meditation is so like until we
Speaker 1: get still and quiet, you know, we have the voices
Speaker 1: usually that are running in our heads are are like critics,
Speaker 1: and they're the voices of parents, or the church, or
Speaker 1: the jerarchy or the you know, like yes, that have
Speaker 1: told us, that have conditioned us to believe these things
Speaker 1: about our else that just aren't true. And we put
Speaker 1: them on a pestol and we're looking for answers and
Speaker 1: were like these people to make us feel safe. And
Speaker 1: these people we since they're tangible, we can disappoint them,
Speaker 1: and that's terrifying. Absolutely. So that's why I said earlier,
Speaker 1: It's just it's been literally an un learning and remembering.
Speaker 1: But so much of that came in like stillness and quiet,
Speaker 1: and when I was like, you know, Liz Gilbert talks
Speaker 1: about writing to love every day in her journal and
Speaker 1: talking to love when she's like fears taking over our
Speaker 1: monkey brands running wild and love will always show up
Speaker 1: always because it's greater than any any any other voice
Speaker 1: in this world. It's the most beautiful. But we have
Speaker 1: to like you, you have to listen and you have
Speaker 1: to like get still and and so yeah. In that time,
Speaker 1: you know, I wrote these things. I'm like you you
Speaker 1: love dancing. I mean it danced in seven years like
Speaker 1: you love. Um. Actually that's the title of my book.
Speaker 1: UM funny story. Um. This was long after my husband
Speaker 1: had left, and um, Justin Timberlake has been a number
Speaker 1: one favorite of mine since I was like in high school.
Speaker 1: And he had a new record come out and I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, the universe loves me so much. And
Speaker 1: Jimmy Fallon had Justin timber Week and every night Justin
Speaker 1: Timberlake was the special guest. On the fifth night he
Speaker 1: was the special guest, he did like a um fifteen
Speaker 1: minute medley of all his greatest hits, and he did
Speaker 1: like a history around five or something. And literally, when
Speaker 1: I would feel like I was going to die and
Speaker 1: I was in fetal position and I'm not gonna be
Speaker 1: able to survive this, I would watch my TVO of
Speaker 1: Justin Timberlake one Justin timber Week and I would giggle
Speaker 1: and I would laugh. And at one point, um, it
Speaker 1: was one night I was watching him and I got
Speaker 1: up and I started dancing and I saw my reflection
Speaker 1: in the window, and I literally go, well, there I
Speaker 1: am because I had not dance. I mean when I
Speaker 1: was a child, I never got out of a dance costume.
Speaker 1: Like I literally was dancing. I would just walk up
Speaker 1: to strangers and start shimmying, like I love dance more
Speaker 1: than I can ever tell you. But when I lived
Speaker 1: in my bed, I didn't do anything that I thought
Speaker 1: would cause my pain to be worse. So I did nothing.
Speaker 1: I didn't go look at sunsets, I didn't dance, I
Speaker 1: didn't spend time with people, and so all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: here I was. I saw. It's like I saw that
Speaker 1: higher self told you, like you remember that he audibly
Speaker 1: hearing that in your brain. And that was because of
Speaker 1: sweet Justin. I'm like some people got to Jesus. I
Speaker 1: went to Justin. Listen, whatever works, I think God works.
Speaker 1: To believe it, I believe it. He was used that
Speaker 1: night and I yeah, as like, I started seeing glimpses
Speaker 1: of myself, you know, And I started making myself do
Speaker 1: one of the things on that list each day. And
Speaker 1: at first it was just going through the motions. And
Speaker 1: I think so often we how did you think to
Speaker 1: write these things? Down again. I'm telling you, it's just
Speaker 1: my higher self. I don't know. So it started because
Speaker 1: you don't want to get sent away, worried what people thought.
Speaker 1: And then waiting off the drugs, I started trying to
Speaker 1: remember what made you happy and who you and what
Speaker 1: made just I felt dead inside and at first none
Speaker 1: of it, none of it felt like anything. I would
Speaker 1: go sit and watch a sunset and like nothing. I
Speaker 1: would go smell the flowers. I love flowers so much,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I don't care. I wrote down you
Speaker 1: love people, and I remember maniacally laughing like I don't
Speaker 1: give a ship about people. No, I don't, and I'm like, yes,
Speaker 1: you do. And I had friends at a friend that
Speaker 1: had been shot in the Colorado Aurora Um Theater shooting
Speaker 1: and was in baton rage at the time. I had
Speaker 1: to move home and they had flown her back home,
Speaker 1: and I would like go sit with her in the hospital.
Speaker 1: And I had a friend from high school whose husband
Speaker 1: was literally dying from cancer, and I'd go sit with her.
Speaker 1: The last one like stop thinking about yourself. And I
Speaker 1: remember my brother saying, he's like, paybe, you can lay
Speaker 1: in your bed and her all the time or you
Speaker 1: can get up and go be with people and like
Speaker 1: love people and serve people and like live and hurt
Speaker 1: either way. Yeah, And I mean that sounds so basic,
Speaker 1: but I was like, yo, you're right, you know, and
Speaker 1: it makes a lot of sense that, like unless you
Speaker 1: speak it out lot and actually intentionally choose that, Like
Speaker 1: you see why you want to pick the bed. Yes,
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I've had like a freaking vell crow
Speaker 1: from my back and my ass to that bed. Like
Speaker 1: literally it took everything in me to get up. But
Speaker 1: I the more I did, the more I started experiencing
Speaker 1: like joy. And I remember a few weeks into getting
Speaker 1: off the drugs and I've been going through my list
Speaker 1: each day. I remember um walking outside and smelling this flower.
Speaker 1: It's called Magnolia friscotto. It's my dad and my favorite,
Speaker 1: and like it comes it and MS says this like
Speaker 1: banana smell. I don't know how to describe it. It's
Speaker 1: so delicious and syrupy and amazing. And we would stick
Speaker 1: the buds up our nose. I would literally jump on
Speaker 1: the trampoline with these buds up. It's a miracle. But
Speaker 1: I don't have brain damage, but I smelled it in
Speaker 1: my brother's backyard, and I just started weeping because it
Speaker 1: was like the first emotions I felt that were like
Speaker 1: it wasn't just from pure trauma and pain that I
Speaker 1: was crying as like Ie, it was beautiful and so sweet,
Speaker 1: and I noticed that, and I noticed it, and I
Speaker 1: remember also in that exact time, I talked about this
Speaker 1: a good bit. But I read this blog and this
Speaker 1: girl had written this quote, The deeper sorrow carves into
Speaker 1: your um being, the more joy you can contain. It's
Speaker 1: this kh little Gabron quote. And I want to experience
Speaker 1: serious pain like that well is so open, but the
Speaker 1: love and the joy, and you can't have one without
Speaker 1: the other. But when you non pain, you not the good.
Speaker 1: And I've been numbing it all with drugs and TV
Speaker 1: and food and like food's my number one drug. I
Speaker 1: love like it's my like like I have struggled with
Speaker 1: compulsive overreading, and that's what I did constantly, just to numb,
Speaker 1: to stuff it down. Like thinking about it, it's like
Speaker 1: you're literally stuffing emotions down because you don't think you
Speaker 1: can handle the pain. And all of a sudden, you know,
Speaker 1: as I was starting to to just skim the surface
Speaker 1: of trying to not numb. I was able to feel
Speaker 1: things on a level that I had never felt. In
Speaker 1: this goodness and this I felt like my new drug
Speaker 1: became like looking for beauty and speaking about it and like,
Speaker 1: you know, talking about it, and that became my new
Speaker 1: source instead of like popping you know, a hydrocoda, and
Speaker 1: it's like, let's look for the beauty. I hadn't because
Speaker 1: I've been so non and so disassociated, like I had
Speaker 1: basically been on narcotics pretty much through most of my
Speaker 1: nieces and nephews lives. And all of a sudden, you know,
Speaker 1: I had to move home. I had to move back
Speaker 1: in with my family because I couldn't take care of myself.
Speaker 1: And I'm like looking at these kids, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: it makes you want to cry because they are just
Speaker 1: the most precious miracles seen them. I had not seen them,
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, I'm like, literally, I'm so
Speaker 1: obsessed with them. I can't even the miraculously that they are.
Speaker 1: They are the most incredible humans. I am so in
Speaker 1: love with these children. I can't even tell you. But
Speaker 1: I was able to see them in delight, in like
Speaker 1: they are delight. They are pure delight and they are
Speaker 1: one of the greatest gifts of my life, you know.
Speaker 1: And there had just been so much loss, and I
Speaker 1: think in some I don't think I've ever even put
Speaker 1: words to this, but but like one of my deepest
Speaker 1: longings for so long had been like I wanted to
Speaker 1: be a mom, and that felt like one of the
Speaker 1: deepest losses in my life. And I think every time,
Speaker 1: like another friend would tell me they're pregnant or heartbreak
Speaker 1: of law has six children, you know, like every I
Speaker 1: feel like every time she called me, I'm like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, and you're like me. I also felt really
Speaker 1: sorry for myself that that was not what I could
Speaker 1: That's all I wanted. I didn't want to lay in
Speaker 1: my bed and pain. I wanted to like be outside
Speaker 1: playing with my children, you know, experiencing all these beautiful things.
Speaker 1: And I felt really really sorry for myself, and I
Speaker 1: was very much parked in that victim line. You know,
Speaker 1: it's very easy. Yeah, it's just easy. And I think
Speaker 1: perspective is just everything. And like as I started coming
Speaker 1: back to like clear clarity and like changing my perspective
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, like I'm so in love with
Speaker 1: my friends children, like I can't. They are miracles and
Speaker 1: I get to show up in a way that like um,
Speaker 1: you know, like I get to come and be the
Speaker 1: fun aunt and do these amazing things because my life
Speaker 1: looks different. I'm not responsible. I'm responsible in a different way,
Speaker 1: you know. And it's just it's like such a gift.
Speaker 1: It's such a gift that I've been missing to be
Speaker 1: able to take a desire. Okay, sorry, I'll cry. I'm
Speaker 1: all emotional because like we struggled to get pregnant for
Speaker 1: like a year, had miscarried as all sorts of stuff
Speaker 1: I have. One of my best friends just got pregnant
Speaker 1: and she struggled like almost two years. Like sometimes it's
Speaker 1: like it's even the man there to show up to
Speaker 1: make the babies with my body be able to handle this?
Speaker 1: Why and my body failing me? Why am I not
Speaker 1: having all these things work out? And it's like you
Speaker 1: have these deep desires and I am. I try so
Speaker 1: hard not to be in a victim mentality always because
Speaker 1: I know I'm blessed and I know life is good
Speaker 1: and I always know there's a meaning. But sometimes you
Speaker 1: just are mad and you're like what the f Like,
Speaker 1: why do I not get to experience this, and it
Speaker 1: takes such a bigger, wiser person like you to like
Speaker 1: really shift that mentality in that perspective, because it's hard
Speaker 1: because you want it so much, you know. Yeah, And
Speaker 1: I think it's like a both and I think it's
Speaker 1: really yeah, like it's things black and white, you know,
Speaker 1: And it's like you have to let yourself feel, really
Speaker 1: like I have to let myself mourn. And there's times
Speaker 1: and I'll think that I'm like totally past it, and
Speaker 1: then I'll feel it again, Like I have to let
Speaker 1: myself because if not, it's going to be stuck in
Speaker 1: my body and that's going to show up as some
Speaker 1: sort of pain or some sort of disease or some
Speaker 1: sort of And I believe that with every it's science.
Speaker 1: It's not my wu wu brain, it's truth. But the
Speaker 1: more like I let myself feel that, I share that
Speaker 1: with safe, safe, safe people you know that care for
Speaker 1: me and love me. I have an amazing counselor. It's
Speaker 1: like all these things. And then when I do that,
Speaker 1: when I process it, when I let myself feel it
Speaker 1: and move through my body and love through my heart,
Speaker 1: I get to show up in a different way. I
Speaker 1: like I love to think of myself like I know
Speaker 1: this again, this is going to sound really really woo woo,
Speaker 1: but I do believe I'm a mother, Like I get
Speaker 1: to mother, gets the mother my community in the most
Speaker 1: amazing way. I get to mother my nieces and nephews.
Speaker 1: I get to mother my best friend Addie has a
Speaker 1: little boy that like we literally call him hours, like
Speaker 1: when she told me she was pregnant, Like we're having
Speaker 1: a baby. You know, he's ours. And I get to
Speaker 1: mother that little boy and love him with every ounce
Speaker 1: of me. And just because I am not i'd not
Speaker 1: birth a child on my own, it doesn't mean that
Speaker 1: I don't get to show up and like mother those
Speaker 1: around me and to the best of my ability. And
Speaker 1: I fail constantly, and I you know, of course, but
Speaker 1: that shift, like that feels and it doesn't take away
Speaker 1: that that's not a loss, but I don't feel the
Speaker 1: same way. It doesn't carry the power over me anymore.
Speaker 1: It's like I've I've accepted that piece and like I
Speaker 1: wouldn't be able to do the work that I get
Speaker 1: to do. I wouldn't be able to do you And
Speaker 1: and it's not again, it's not either or, but like
Speaker 1: for some reason. This is what my life has been
Speaker 1: called to be, and this is what I think I
Speaker 1: signed up for. I think I chose all of this truly. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's talk about that, because I think about all the time,
Speaker 1: and I pray for Sunny like every single day. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I pray that you come and have the experience that
Speaker 1: you chose to have you and I know and I
Speaker 1: do believe that. I believe that too. And then I'm
Speaker 1: getting to this place with fear because I have been
Speaker 1: so um I'm like, I'm letting myself right out because
Speaker 1: I just let myself feel things. So I've been so
Speaker 1: consumed with fear since she's been borned to the point
Speaker 1: where it's like crippling sometimes. But I'm like, we just
Speaker 1: you have all these fears that you worry about. Is
Speaker 1: all these things gonna happen? You try to protect her?
Speaker 1: And then Kobe Bryant and his daughter giant helicopter crash,
Speaker 1: and then a tornado rushes through East Nashville and streets
Speaker 1: away from us. It's like, why am I going to
Speaker 1: spend my life having chronic fear when life is going
Speaker 1: to happen? She I believe what you're saying I believe
Speaker 1: she's choosing to have whatever experiences she has, whether they
Speaker 1: be what you went through like getting hit on amials
Speaker 1: and that's so hard to say. But like, since you're
Speaker 1: the one that had these traumatic things and you're saying it,
Speaker 1: I want to agree with you that I believe that.
Speaker 1: But that's weird to say that, like we come and
Speaker 1: choose this and when you come and choose like trauma
Speaker 1: and pain, because like you say that out loud, and
Speaker 1: like people are gonna say that's insane, Like how could
Speaker 1: you say that? And that's that's okay that no one
Speaker 1: has to believe what and you you've had it, because
Speaker 1: I would love to hear your perspective. I am first
Speaker 1: I want to say, I'm so open to be in
Speaker 1: completely wrong about this and that feels so good to me.
Speaker 1: What then do I know? I mean listening. But in
Speaker 1: the same breath, there is a school of thought which
Speaker 1: I have subscribe to because it works for me. And
Speaker 1: if I'm totally wrong, I'm so okay with that, but
Speaker 1: it gives me peace. And that's um. There's a school
Speaker 1: of thought that is we with our guides and with
Speaker 1: the God universe. Whatever you want to call it like choose.
Speaker 1: You know, these parents, we choose the things that we
Speaker 1: know our soul needs for expansion. And I read this
Speaker 1: book called Journey of Souls and it is very woo,
Speaker 1: so go ahead, and that there's no science in this one.
Speaker 1: It is just straight up wi wo. But it literally
Speaker 1: I was told by three different strangers, one being an
Speaker 1: acquaintance to being strangers to read this book within like
Speaker 1: three months, and I was like, hello, and it's the
Speaker 1: ugliest cover I've ever seen in my life. And I
Speaker 1: care about these things and I'm just like what the
Speaker 1: So I finally by the third person, the stranger from
Speaker 1: Spain tells me to read this book, I'm like okay,
Speaker 1: and basically in hypnotism, no, I'm about to get real.
Speaker 1: Really I love I love this but again I'm so
Speaker 1: open to be in wrong. Who cares? But like why not?
Speaker 1: It working so much peace and so much so basically
Speaker 1: in hypnotism, and I've since done it because I have
Speaker 1: to learn all the things. Um basically, all these people
Speaker 1: ended up connecting to past lives I love and hypnotism
Speaker 1: and everyone says the exact same thing about the life
Speaker 1: in between, like heaven or you know what do They
Speaker 1: say it's the most there's no such thing as hell.
Speaker 1: It's the most loving, accepting, purest beautiful, Like it makes
Speaker 1: me want to It's like the most incredible beautiful. Um place,
Speaker 1: did your past self tell you this? Also? Um? Yes,
Speaker 1: I love that so um. Anyway, they also talk about
Speaker 1: or do you not talk about that? Okay? Yeah yeah
Speaker 1: yeah yeah yeah um but they basically what's so beautiful
Speaker 1: is they talked about like you have the soul family
Speaker 1: members that you've done, and you know you hear old soul,
Speaker 1: young soul. You know you can look in the eyes
Speaker 1: of certain babies you're like you you are ancient, ancient,
Speaker 1: and it's not none of them. They're all equal in
Speaker 1: God's eyes. Old soul a soul. But it's like coming
Speaker 1: to Earth school, like a young soul has just not
Speaker 1: been here as many times. Old soul been here a
Speaker 1: lot of times. Why are we keeping why do we
Speaker 1: keep coming back? Because your soul has things that needs
Speaker 1: to learn and grow and expand, and it's like Earth school,
Speaker 1: it's literally school, and we can't just like learn them
Speaker 1: and have any best wouldn't that be amazing? But that's
Speaker 1: just like think about right now, Like you I couldn't
Speaker 1: get to this place. If I hadn't gone through all
Speaker 1: the ship that I'd gone through, I couldn't. I wouldn't
Speaker 1: be able to help people the way that I feel
Speaker 1: like I'm here to help and serve. And if I
Speaker 1: hadn't gone through all this and basically all that to say, listen,
Speaker 1: y'all can just you can delete that part. It's totally five.
Speaker 1: This is gonna totally break people out. But here's what
Speaker 1: was so nice to what you're saying for me, The
Speaker 1: idea that my sweet little soul trusted himself to go
Speaker 1: through all that, did go through all of that and
Speaker 1: still choose like I trust it because we still have
Speaker 1: free will, like you'll come back until you learn it. Right.
Speaker 1: So if I like gone through all that and stayed
Speaker 1: in my bed and never learn the lessons, I get
Speaker 1: to go through it again. Listen, I am not trying
Speaker 1: to go through that again. Let me learn it now.
Speaker 1: I swear you're speaking like you're reading my mind. I
Speaker 1: tell the universe all the time. I'm like, listen, I
Speaker 1: don't not like I don't want to kill myself. I
Speaker 1: love my life. I'm very grateful, but like it is,
Speaker 1: life is very heavy for me, and I am terrible blocking.
Speaker 1: I can't I do not know how to numb myself out,
Speaker 1: and so like I'm feeling stuff all the time on
Speaker 1: this really big level and I am like, you do
Speaker 1: not maybe come back here again, like I want to
Speaker 1: learn these lessons like these, I will learn them, like
Speaker 1: but then it's like, Okay, I say that, and I
Speaker 1: proclaim that. I'll proclaim that on my knees, and I'll say,
Speaker 1: like I want to learn, I want to get it.
Speaker 1: I will learn it fast. But then I'm like then
Speaker 1: I get put in like situations with like my daughter,
Speaker 1: and like I have to like surrender her life over
Speaker 1: so I don't have crippling fear. And that is the
Speaker 1: lesson that like I'm gripping onto and like I don't
Speaker 1: want to let it go and I don't want to
Speaker 1: surrender that over and I don't want to surrender control,
Speaker 1: but like I have to, you know. And it's like
Speaker 1: with fear, like with like I have had so much
Speaker 1: fear of like trying to do everything right, have everything perfect,
Speaker 1: like to keep her safe. And then it's like I
Speaker 1: hear these stories of things and I lived through the
Speaker 1: eye of a tornado and it's like I'm throwing my
Speaker 1: hands in there, like I can't do it anymore. It's
Speaker 1: too much pressure and work and like um energy, and
Speaker 1: it's like stealing my joy. And we are here to
Speaker 1: not just survive, but to like literally live and to
Speaker 1: show up. And I think when we're caught up in this,
Speaker 1: which I've been there, I understand sister so fully. I
Speaker 1: don't even start a child, but I understand debilitating fear,
Speaker 1: and and it just robs us. We're not able to
Speaker 1: show up and live. We're not able to be present
Speaker 1: because we're future tripping or we're you know, obsessing over
Speaker 1: things that happened, and we're never present, and that if
Speaker 1: we're not actually here, we're not actually able to experience
Speaker 1: the delight of what's actually in front of us. Like
Speaker 1: there's nowhere else that I would rather be right now
Speaker 1: than just sitting across from me. It's the most precious
Speaker 1: I totally, and I forget that constantly. I have to
Speaker 1: constantly remind myself to come back to this present moment
Speaker 1: and not not like I my natural thing when like
Speaker 1: this week, I've seen myself when I see so many
Speaker 1: people hurting around me, I freeze like that fight, flight, freeze,
Speaker 1: I freeze because I don't know where to start. It's
Speaker 1: like there's so much trauma around me, and there's so
Speaker 1: much pain, and you know, I mean politics, all of it.
Speaker 1: I'm just like la la la la la. I can't.
Speaker 1: I can't. I can't because it feels so overwhelming. But
Speaker 1: I'm also if I'm living in that state, I'm not
Speaker 1: able to fully experience what's right here and that's so
Speaker 1: beautiful right here, and and so it's just again, it's
Speaker 1: a constant remembering, it's a constant unwiring these old scripts
Speaker 1: and these old stories and these old so much of
Speaker 1: like my messaging, so much of it was taught from
Speaker 1: you know, some of its pre verbal, early early early
Speaker 1: stages um and so to what we can again, we
Speaker 1: get to go back in and we can rewire those stories.
Speaker 1: I can hear those messages in my head, those limiting
Speaker 1: stories and tell me that I'm not good enough, I'm
Speaker 1: not worthy, or I'm not worthy of a partner or
Speaker 1: all those things. There's so many things. Or who do
Speaker 1: I think I am putting a book out there? You know,
Speaker 1: like there's just and then I'll be like, oh, hi, hi,
Speaker 1: fear I hear you. Thank you so much for trying
Speaker 1: to protect me. But we're safe. We are safe, and
Speaker 1: I am going to let you sit here. I'm not
Speaker 1: going to try to stuff you down because you're not
Speaker 1: going to go anywhere. You belong to me. You're a
Speaker 1: part of me and I'm not, and you're trying to
Speaker 1: protect me. Or even if it's like, oh, hi, envy,
Speaker 1: you don't think there's enough for all of us. But
Speaker 1: we're good. We there is so much for all of us.
Speaker 1: There is abundance in there is like so much more
Speaker 1: than we can ever imagine. In the universe is longing
Speaker 1: to just bless you. It's conspiring to do so many
Speaker 1: beautiful things for you. You're gonna just come sit at
Speaker 1: the table with us. And I'm not going to shame
Speaker 1: myself for feeling you, because that's what that's my natural tendency.
Speaker 1: It's actually it's dark. It's shameful. Don't let anyone know
Speaker 1: you ever had it unless we start doing shadow work
Speaker 1: like we it's so especially in the South, it's like
Speaker 1: just be light, be joy. And that's how I was
Speaker 1: brought up and until I was able to start kind
Speaker 1: of like dancing with my shadow and accepting as a
Speaker 1: part of me. We all have shadow, it's just I
Speaker 1: don't call it like sin or depravity anymore. I'm like,
Speaker 1: it's my shadow, and it's here to try to protect us.
Speaker 1: And the more that I embrace it and love it
Speaker 1: and own it. But don't let it take the wheel. Yeah,
Speaker 1: don't let it dry. Love it's going to be the
Speaker 1: one that's going to drive here. Love's going to be
Speaker 1: the head at the table um. And I forget that constantly,
Speaker 1: and I get to lovingly remind myself over freaking, over
Speaker 1: and over. I had to tell myself this morning, I
Speaker 1: wasn't a shame spiral, Like I felt shame that I
Speaker 1: wasn't up this morning in the trenches with everyone, and
Speaker 1: instead I was like doing work. And then I got
Speaker 1: so paralyzed by it that I literally just started reading
Speaker 1: a book because I was like, I gotta know, because
Speaker 1: I'm so overwhelmed and I feel shape, you know, and
Speaker 1: I just had all these stories and I'm like, sister,
Speaker 1: you're safe, you're good. This afternoon, you're going to go
Speaker 1: back out and you're going to help people the best
Speaker 1: that you can, and you're going to show up and
Speaker 1: you're okay. You're okay, and I love you. I love you,
Speaker 1: and I love you and I love you. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm doing to help me with my shame story
Speaker 1: is I feel all of that, like and I paralyzed,
Speaker 1: and I paralyzed, and I weep and I cry, and
Speaker 1: I get like overwhelm with life. And then I like
Speaker 1: literally like get in a fetal position and I don't
Speaker 1: know what to do and I feel worthless and useless,
Speaker 1: and then like then a spiral happens because then I
Speaker 1: feel like inadequate and not good enough and unworthy because
Speaker 1: and now it's all about me again, you know. And
Speaker 1: I tell myself, now, I really am trying to listen
Speaker 1: to the feelings of resistance and openness enforced and easy,
Speaker 1: and I try to tell myself, you know, how to
Speaker 1: help in my higher self is talking to myself and saying,
Speaker 1: like help where you feel truly drawn and really follow
Speaker 1: that road of ease, not like it's easy, like you're
Speaker 1: not doing hard work on this road, but this road
Speaker 1: feels right, and it feels like I'm not pushing down
Speaker 1: doors or like trying to get through a brick wall,
Speaker 1: or like trying to do something because I feel guilty
Speaker 1: or I'm trying to people pleased. I feel like I'm
Speaker 1: supposed to do, but when I'm doing it, I don't
Speaker 1: enjoy it. I don't like it, and I'm just like
Speaker 1: making myself do it begrudgingly or like out of fear.
Speaker 1: So I'm just trying to let my self lead me
Speaker 1: to those places. And sometimes I tell myself work comes
Speaker 1: in different ways, like, yes, they're is all this physical
Speaker 1: devastation all around us right now, but it's also important
Speaker 1: that we have this conversation, and that this conversation is
Speaker 1: also a different kind of work because we are talking
Speaker 1: about how to help people with their lives, which is
Speaker 1: just another form of trauma. It might not be physical,
Speaker 1: Like this is also important, and I have to tell
Speaker 1: myself that too, because like sometimes I think, oh, I'll
Speaker 1: blow off this because this is sort of what's coming
Speaker 1: easy for me, Like I easily love to have soulful conversations,
Speaker 1: and I know you do too, and you're willing to
Speaker 1: share it and I'm willing to share and a lot
Speaker 1: of people aren't. And so I'm like, this is another
Speaker 1: form of doing work, and I have to realize that
Speaker 1: that's my path and not feel guilty that I'm not
Speaker 1: out there right now doing something physical. I will when
Speaker 1: my my road leads me there and like I feel
Speaker 1: like a place, figure out how to be called in
Speaker 1: that way, I'm going to do it. And just like
Speaker 1: trying to listen in that way, does that make any sense?
Speaker 1: I think that's beautiful. It's feeling guilty is not doing
Speaker 1: the work. No, it's just it's like a shame spiral
Speaker 1: and that serves no one. It definitely don't serve us,
Speaker 1: and don't serve anyone around me. It does like it
Speaker 1: just paralyzes me and like, yeah, that's um, it's such
Speaker 1: a disservice to our sweet souls. It just is, you know.
Speaker 1: And I get to see it and remember the truth
Speaker 1: and come back over and over and the more I think,
Speaker 1: the more work I do, um, the more heart work,
Speaker 1: emotional work, spiritual work. You know, it's not that those
Speaker 1: things just go away. But I'm quicker to come back
Speaker 1: to the truth, and that's what's so precious. Also, I'm
Speaker 1: quicker to come back to my wholehearted self, to my
Speaker 1: higher self and remember the truth. And I don't you know,
Speaker 1: I don't spiral as long. I don't you know, um,
Speaker 1: And that's also really sweet to see that growth, you know,
Speaker 1: because it's the opposite is you know, it's all perspective,
Speaker 1: is what the f is wrong for me? How do
Speaker 1: I feel this again? That I mean what we were
Speaker 1: persists like prisss. That doesn't help, that doesn't serve us,
Speaker 1: That just you know, that just makes it keep going.
Speaker 1: But when I see it, I honor it. I hear you.
Speaker 1: I see that you're trying to protect me. But we
Speaker 1: don't need that. We're safe, we loved, we're held, were
Speaker 1: cared for. We're enough, We're worthy. No matter how I
Speaker 1: show up in this world, nothing that I can do.
Speaker 1: I'd love how they talk about it on site, like
Speaker 1: human being versus human doing. And you know, it's funny
Speaker 1: ever since then, because you can't tell people, don't site
Speaker 1: what you do for a living treat and it's what
Speaker 1: our friend Miles that we were talking about earlier. He
Speaker 1: owns and started um or runs and basically you can't
Speaker 1: tell anyone what you do. And that was such a
Speaker 1: rude awakening for me because I realized how much of
Speaker 1: my worth was still connected to what I did. Because
Speaker 1: people would say, well, what do you do for a living?
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I'm a speaker. What do you speak about?
Speaker 1: I share my story? What's your story? And I could
Speaker 1: give this five minute elevator pitch and be like wow,
Speaker 1: Like I knew that I found identity in my pain
Speaker 1: story when I lived in my bed, but I didn't
Speaker 1: realize that I was still finding identity in this pain
Speaker 1: story because now you're using it for good, So you
Speaker 1: thought it was the right, right, And so all of
Speaker 1: a sudden that, wow, I can't tell anyone like am
Speaker 1: I worthy? Am I still? Are they going to think
Speaker 1: I'm I can't tell them if they don't see what
Speaker 1: I've ever come. And so now it's so fun and
Speaker 1: so interesting because like just now, I was at a
Speaker 1: retreat in Marrakesh, and I didn't I don't ask people
Speaker 1: what they do anymore ever, Like that's like how do
Speaker 1: you start your commas? Oh my god? There's so many
Speaker 1: things like hey, how are you? How is your day?
Speaker 1: Or like I I'll ask people like how do you
Speaker 1: like to spend your free time? What do your days
Speaker 1: look like on a weekend? Yeah? What were what was
Speaker 1: your childhood? I mean there's a million My sister always says,
Speaker 1: because she she does a lot of work, like this
Speaker 1: to She says she likes to asked people what do
Speaker 1: they love? Wish? I love that, I love that, I
Speaker 1: love that, and all what do you do? You can
Speaker 1: be a really crippling question totally, and it's just so easy.
Speaker 1: You define our value and worth and I don't love
Speaker 1: telling people what and a lot of times, you know,
Speaker 1: people will ask, and um, I just kind of try
Speaker 1: to skirt around it. And it's funny because I had
Speaker 1: spent five or six days with this crew in Marrakesh
Speaker 1: before I spoke, and people kept asking me, you know,
Speaker 1: what I did or what I'd be speaking about. They
Speaker 1: knew that I was gonna be speaking, and I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: you'll see you on Thursday, you know. And what was
Speaker 1: so precious is they had gotten to experience, however, many
Speaker 1: days with me, and no, they didn't know that I
Speaker 1: had pain. They didn't know because it doesn't I don't
Speaker 1: lead with that. And also, you don't want to be defined,
Speaker 1: because once you lead with it, it defined you immedately.
Speaker 1: Even if you try not to let it define you,
Speaker 1: you can't not let it. So you want to go
Speaker 1: ahead and make your personality just be you, let people
Speaker 1: see you and then they can add to stuff on
Speaker 1: later and like, honestly, that pain story is like boring
Speaker 1: to me now, Like, OK, let's talk about healing. I
Speaker 1: can't wait to talk about healing. Who the freaking I mean,
Speaker 1: obviously just wrote a book. I'm gonna be talking about
Speaker 1: it a lot. But that that's the least interesting thing
Speaker 1: about me. Truly, I feel like it's the least But
Speaker 1: you've taken all the power out of it. Yeah, it doesn't.
Speaker 1: It doesn't hold the power over me that it used to.
Speaker 1: And it's just I don't like my best friend Jet
Speaker 1: is such an inspiration to me, and he um. He
Speaker 1: also has a book he does. It's called to Shake
Speaker 1: the Sleeping Self, and it's incredible. He wrote his bicycle
Speaker 1: from Oregon to Patagonia. He's magnificent on a level that
Speaker 1: you can't describe. But for the longest time, like he's
Speaker 1: very he's an advocate and he you know, speaks out
Speaker 1: so eloquently about being a gay man. Um, but he
Speaker 1: also is like that's the least interesting thing about me,
Speaker 1: Like he doesn't lead with its people. For the longest time,
Speaker 1: didn't even know that he was gay because he was like,
Speaker 1: who cares, You're not going around saying Hi, I'm Ruthie.
Speaker 1: I'm straight, Like who cares. That's not who I am.
Speaker 1: That's not what I'm defined by, you know. And I
Speaker 1: don't want to be like, Hi, Ruthie, I'm in pain.
Speaker 1: I'm I'm in pain. I was that for so long
Speaker 1: and now I'm not. But you did, but you did
Speaker 1: the work and you set in that spot and I'm
Speaker 1: sure Jed Price set and the shame spot for a
Speaker 1: while enough to really work through it. You have to
Speaker 1: own your story. You have to, and you have to
Speaker 1: sit in and work through it and do all these
Speaker 1: things you have to. And that's such a huge I mean,
Speaker 1: e M d are all of that. That's all me
Speaker 1: going in and owning my story so it doesn't own me. Yeah,
Speaker 1: everybody takes a lot of work in time. And I
Speaker 1: feel like so many people, especially in America, are like
Speaker 1: you feel almost like you are doing like the godly
Speaker 1: thing by not taking care of yourself, by not putting
Speaker 1: yourself forward first, by not taking the time to like
Speaker 1: dive into this pain and do the work. Because it's
Speaker 1: like everyone's like, oh, I'm selfless. She's they like say
Speaker 1: it as a compliment, like she's the most selfless person
Speaker 1: you'll ever meet. That's really not a great compliment. If
Speaker 1: you're so selfless that you don't take the time to
Speaker 1: care about yourself and heal yourself, then you really are
Speaker 1: stacking pain on pain on pain that everyone around you too.
Speaker 1: It's actually not loving at all. It's actually really not
Speaker 1: a good compliment. It's not And when you just are
Speaker 1: only showing up to serve other people and trying to
Speaker 1: take their pain away from them, it's actually not loving
Speaker 1: because then they don't learn how to heal themselves. They
Speaker 1: never actually learned how to heal. And you're not healing,
Speaker 1: there's none of it is of service. The most loving
Speaker 1: way that we can show up in the world is
Speaker 1: doing the most loving healing work that we're so deserving of.
Speaker 1: And when you do this work, what's also so amazing
Speaker 1: is you realize what's so right with you, not what's
Speaker 1: wrong with you. Right, that's the most powerful part of
Speaker 1: it all. And the more I do this work, the
Speaker 1: more I'm able to lead from my very filled up place,
Speaker 1: and then I have so much more to give. And
Speaker 1: before I jumped from living in my bed too, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm going to make my pains purposeful I'm going to
Speaker 1: help other people, but I skipped the part of me
Speaker 1: healing myself, and that became my new drug. My drug
Speaker 1: was helping other people, and that served me. That's actually
Speaker 1: not really of service. The most loving fix, it's a fix.
Speaker 1: The most loving of service thing I can do and
Speaker 1: show up in this world is to heal myself and
Speaker 1: then to go out and be a mirror of that.
Speaker 1: It's like this is for you, and I talked about
Speaker 1: at the end of my book. I'm like, listen, when
Speaker 1: you close this last page and you turn off your
Speaker 1: light or you get off your bus stop, are you,
Speaker 1: you know, finish that cup of coffee. I really hope
Speaker 1: you forget my name. I hope you forget my story
Speaker 1: because you don't need me. I'm here just to be
Speaker 1: a flashlight of this love and healing and divinity that's
Speaker 1: in you. I'm going to walk the funk out of
Speaker 1: here because you don't need me, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Like this is, this is yours, but you've really got
Speaker 1: into a place, Like you've really got into a higher place,
Speaker 1: and like that is like I really truly feel I
Speaker 1: feel like I'm just starting to grasp what where you
Speaker 1: are because For so long of my life, I chasing validation,
Speaker 1: chasing fame, chasing acceptance, chasing approval, chasing beauty, chasing all
Speaker 1: these things to like be to be um, to be
Speaker 1: okay and loved and worthy, to feel worthy because I
Speaker 1: never felt worthy, which now I'm realizing everybody feels that way,
Speaker 1: But so I chased all that for so long. I
Speaker 1: went through like record deals, all sorts of stuff like
Speaker 1: did TV work like lead with lead? Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I could let you know. You meet me within five minutes,
Speaker 1: you know all my accomplishments. I'm gonna let you know.
Speaker 1: So then you think I am important, and then you're
Speaker 1: gonna like look at me differently, and all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: like you think that I'm like worthy of your time
Speaker 1: or greatness or whatever. I did that forever then just
Speaker 1: had so many experiences were falling on my face, having
Speaker 1: to rebuild, reboot all that, and it's like, I'm finally
Speaker 1: into this place, and it's like and honestly, natural disasters
Speaker 1: are playing a part of it for me to like
Speaker 1: realizing I'm finally in a workspace where I'm getting to
Speaker 1: do something that really fulfills me, makes me feel like
Speaker 1: I have purpose, getting to talk to people like you,
Speaker 1: and I'm realizing that, like, and I've gotten to talk
Speaker 1: to so many important people that I'm realizing the fame
Speaker 1: and all that stuff that is not the goal. The
Speaker 1: goal is to lock into a purposeful work, even if
Speaker 1: it has to be side hustle or something, to find
Speaker 1: something that gives you true purpose and to do it
Speaker 1: for the purpose's sake. And that is where you are.
Speaker 1: And I love that, and I think that's so amazing
Speaker 1: because that's like you're probably not gonna have to come
Speaker 1: back to Earth school because you're really sure. I have
Speaker 1: so much more to learn, dear God, but you're really
Speaker 1: tapping into the level of it for the sake of
Speaker 1: the purpose, and that's freaking cool. Like that's like really
Speaker 1: really awesome that you're there. Well I don't think I'm there,
Speaker 1: but they're all that's your goal. Yeah, that's you know.
Speaker 1: I healing is like it's not linear, and it's just
Speaker 1: it's I know, it's ongoing and I have so much
Speaker 1: to learned and I've sunk up so much, like I've
Speaker 1: made so many mistakes and I've hurt people in the
Speaker 1: process and it breaks my heart and I've just had
Speaker 1: to learn how to forgive myself and forgive. How do
Speaker 1: you do that, grace? How do you forgive yourself when
Speaker 1: you feel really bad? Love? Because sometimes I'll like sit on,
Speaker 1: I get stuck somewhere, and then I'm like and I
Speaker 1: just will like spiral, spiral, spiral, and like I'll try
Speaker 1: to get on and be normal, gain and then I'll
Speaker 1: come back over and I'm like, I really I really
Speaker 1: mess stuff there, and like I can't let myself move
Speaker 1: on from it. Yeah, I mean I've totally been there,
Speaker 1: and I think the only it sounds again so woo
Speaker 1: woo and like this like umbrella fix. But it's honestly
Speaker 1: the truest thing I know. The only thing that come bat,
Speaker 1: that that can come bat that is love and self
Speaker 1: love is the most loving thing that you can do.
Speaker 1: That the most loving thing I can do, the most
Speaker 1: loving thing you can do for your daughter is to
Speaker 1: love yourself well. And like I look at my you know,
Speaker 1: little girls self in this photo that I meditate on often,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I would never talk to that little
Speaker 1: girl this way. Of course she's going to make mistakes.
Speaker 1: Of course she is like, oh you precious, precious soul
Speaker 1: of course you are, and I want to have grace
Speaker 1: for you in tenderness for you and like you are
Speaker 1: going to fail. That's the human experience. That's how we learn,
Speaker 1: that's how we grow. And the most loving thing that
Speaker 1: I can do is learn from that and try to
Speaker 1: be better. Yeah, and try to be better and like
Speaker 1: you know, owning my mistakes, asking forgiveness. Um, dropping that
Speaker 1: that edge, Like I realized lately, I've had an edge,
Speaker 1: not like a good edge, like a defensive edge because
Speaker 1: I feel like so stressed out and things have to
Speaker 1: be a certain way and like fear. Yeah, but it's like, really,
Speaker 1: if you can just drop that edge and get to
Speaker 1: that soft place of love and then you can say
Speaker 1: you're sorry, you can say, oh, shoot, I was wrong,
Speaker 1: Like you can say that in a way that's like
Speaker 1: you don't have to have that ego edge, with this
Speaker 1: ego edge. And I love how you said soft place
Speaker 1: of love, Like that's exactly. At that softening, that tender
Speaker 1: like I will go through my body and I'll realize
Speaker 1: how tense I am, like I am even right now,
Speaker 1: like I'm trying to be relaxing because you're relaxed that
Speaker 1: I don't want your I'm coming off of a tense
Speaker 1: face and my voice is even tense, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I need to get where Ruthie is like, I'm so
Speaker 1: glad to be talking with you. But you're exactly where
Speaker 1: you're supposed to be and you're doing it and you're
Speaker 1: doing such beautiful work. But you do get tense when
Speaker 1: you're not in love. And I think, you know, I'll
Speaker 1: go from the head the top of my head down
Speaker 1: my whole body and I'll think th h, A and K,
Speaker 1: think all my body parts and I'll literally you know,
Speaker 1: it's so interesting. My friend Dr Hillary McBride, Um, it's
Speaker 1: so fun saying doctor. She just got her doctor. She's
Speaker 1: one of my dearest sole family members, sister, all the things.
Speaker 1: But she taught me, um that our bodies don't know
Speaker 1: the difference in our hands and someone else's because so
Speaker 1: often when I'm in that mode, i just want someone
Speaker 1: to hold me and tell me I'm gonna be okay
Speaker 1: and everything safe I want. And I'm single and that
Speaker 1: is not my journey, so that's not going to happen.
Speaker 1: And people that are in partnership, like that's not always
Speaker 1: going to happen. And our partners are gonna be able
Speaker 1: to show up for us all the ways that we
Speaker 1: want them to. So we get to show up for ourselves,
Speaker 1: and so our bodies don't know the difference in our
Speaker 1: hands and someone else's. So I'll literally go through my
Speaker 1: body and so tenderly I'll touch my sweet little face.
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh you, precious girl, You're so good. Thank you.
Speaker 1: And I'll touch my shoulders and like because like places
Speaker 1: especially where I have pain, and like, thank you, shoulder.
Speaker 1: You're doing such a good job. You're working so hard.
Speaker 1: Thank you for calling me back to you and you
Speaker 1: just want me to acknowledge you. And I want to
Speaker 1: hear from you and like talk to me, what do
Speaker 1: you need? And like our body is always talking to us,
Speaker 1: but because we're disassociated, we're not listening. And I'll go
Speaker 1: through and I'll thank my legs, like thank you for
Speaker 1: carrying me, thank you for allowing me to walk, Oh
Speaker 1: my God, like thank you hips for keeping me strong
Speaker 1: and sturdy, and you're so beautiful. And the body parts
Speaker 1: that I've been the most ugly about, Like I mean
Speaker 1: the way that I have criticized my body and talked
Speaker 1: about it. It's like I would never ever speak to
Speaker 1: another woman that way. So I'll look at myself and
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, you beautiful thighs, You're so beautiful, or
Speaker 1: my scars like, oh my god, you kept me alive.
Speaker 1: Thank you, you know, and touching and holding and honoring
Speaker 1: it's so that's the softening, right, that's that loving softening
Speaker 1: and honoring our bodies for carrying us and holding our souls,
Speaker 1: holding divinity like it's just it's the most beautiful, powerful.
Speaker 1: And I will never call her an it again ever.
Speaker 1: She is a she. And I had this whole thing
Speaker 1: I did this like meditation where I literally, I guess
Speaker 1: we do call our bodies it, yeah, but it's like,
Speaker 1: why would we say it? She is a she, and
Speaker 1: like if I treat her like a person, I would
Speaker 1: never talk to another person that way. I would never like,
Speaker 1: I would want to feed my child or another partner delicious,
Speaker 1: healthy food. I would want to take them on walks.
Speaker 1: I would want to listen to them. I'd want to
Speaker 1: speak so kindly and so tenderly and so lovingly. I
Speaker 1: would never speak to a partner. I would want to
Speaker 1: you know, you want to make love and hold and
Speaker 1: caress a partner in the most gentle way, why would
Speaker 1: my body not be deserving of those things? You know?
Speaker 1: And it's just a shifting, like I it's a total
Speaker 1: perspective shift, Like I was told the flesh is evil
Speaker 1: above all things, and deny, deny, deny, And so I
Speaker 1: hated it. I hated it. I had so much shame
Speaker 1: around my sexuality. I mean, that has been an unlearning
Speaker 1: that I'm still on the journey of, but so much
Speaker 1: unlearning of that story. It's just a story and it's
Speaker 1: not the truth. And sexuality is a beautiful, incredible thing
Speaker 1: that I have nothing to be ashamed of, you know.
Speaker 1: And if I choose, in a mutual relationship to give
Speaker 1: my body sexually to a partner, what an intimate, beautiful gift?
Speaker 1: Now is that taken advantage of from everything is taken advantage?
Speaker 1: If I am in control of owning and honoring that
Speaker 1: part of me, what a beautiful thing, you know, It's
Speaker 1: so beautiful. Yeah, gosh, this is just such a great conversation.
Speaker 1: I was so excited that you're coming over because I
Speaker 1: already knew your vibe and I just you've done so
Speaker 1: much good work. I really am appreciative that you are
Speaker 1: talking about the medium therapy E M d R. Because
Speaker 1: that is something that I feel like people don't even
Speaker 1: know how to think about that, Like, it's not like
Speaker 1: this conversation that a lot of people are having. You
Speaker 1: kind of have to be aware of this therapy world
Speaker 1: that's even happening, and so many people don't even give
Speaker 1: themselves the chance to go there. I also love that
Speaker 1: you are talking something I've been working on right now.
Speaker 1: I have been someone who feels like I just tried
Speaker 1: to brush through the negative and I'll be like, Okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's negative, but this is what's great, and this is
Speaker 1: just great, and we need to be great and don't
Speaker 1: even have grateful at tattooed on my arm. Here's what
Speaker 1: we're grateful for. This is it happened. But let's just
Speaker 1: get to the grateful. Let's just get to the grateful.
Speaker 1: Let's just get to the grateful. I'm in a season
Speaker 1: where I just like I It's okay to sit and
Speaker 1: acknowledge envy. It's okay to sit and acknowledge anxiety. It's
Speaker 1: okay to sit and acknowledge stress. It's okay to sit
Speaker 1: it and acknowledge pain. I'm gonna acknowledge it. I don't
Speaker 1: have to rush through it. I've always I always feel
Speaker 1: like I need to just get through it really fast
Speaker 1: and get happy. And here I'm gonna tell everyone how
Speaker 1: to be happy, and I'm gonna find all the good
Speaker 1: things and you really fast and make you feel great
Speaker 1: about yourself. And I believe that. But I'm gonna try
Speaker 1: to just let's get over let's not let's not look
Speaker 1: at that pain stuff, Like, let's find the blessing right now,
Speaker 1: right quickly, quickly get there. And sometimes you just have
Speaker 1: to sit in it for a minute and you have
Speaker 1: to say, Okay, you're here, Yeah, you're here, You're real,
Speaker 1: but like you're not going to run the show. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna acknowledge you. This is a big wave of view,
Speaker 1: so like let's just feel it out. Let's have the conversation.
Speaker 1: But that doesn't mean that's who I am. I to
Speaker 1: be ashamed of it. I always is ashamed. I'm not
Speaker 1: to have those feelings. Yeah, I think I think there's
Speaker 1: something so important and I learned a lot about this
Speaker 1: at one site. But we often exile the feelings that
Speaker 1: we think are shameful, or we're taught early childhood, I
Speaker 1: wasn't allowed to feel anything, but like I wasn't allowed
Speaker 1: to feel fear. I wasn't allowed to have shadow emotions anger, raged,
Speaker 1: Like you smile and you'd be pretty and sweet and
Speaker 1: and and that's how you show up in the world,
Speaker 1: and everything else is not acceptable. And so I stuffed
Speaker 1: all of those but they don't go away, and then
Speaker 1: they'll come out sideways, and then they'll come out when
Speaker 1: in times of stress, it'll get so so so so
Speaker 1: fearful and scared because I never allowed myself to actually
Speaker 1: process fear, to actually feel fear. And I think when
Speaker 1: we try to just jump to the next phase of
Speaker 1: like being on the other side of it, it's a
Speaker 1: total dissurface. You're actually aren't processing it and it's actually
Speaker 1: not able to like it's just being lodged somewhere and
Speaker 1: it's going to the basement and it's going to come
Speaker 1: out harder and bigger, and something more will happen, so
Speaker 1: you can learn that lesson and it will come out
Speaker 1: and it's going to rear its ugly head because it
Speaker 1: wants to be loved. It just wants to be accepted
Speaker 1: and loved. And I think honoring and owning our shadow parts, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's like that's the healing work, that's that's the growth edge.
Speaker 1: Like I didn't understand any of that for a long, long,
Speaker 1: long It's only been in the last year or two
Speaker 1: that I really started accepting owning, dancing with my shadows self.
Speaker 1: The stuff that I would not even acknowledge was there
Speaker 1: because of my shame, Like I would have never acknowledged
Speaker 1: envir and our jealousy. I love that you said that,
Speaker 1: because I try not to acknowledge that either I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna jealous in me this person, But yeah, I
Speaker 1: have freaking waves of it. Of course you do, because
Speaker 1: you're human. Yeah, you're human, because all you want to
Speaker 1: do is be this light that you know you are,
Speaker 1: and especially when you've done so much work to find
Speaker 1: it and you want to be that. But then it's like, yeah, waves,
Speaker 1: you're gonna You're gonna have a wave come over, of course,
Speaker 1: And you don't have to be mad at yourself for that, right,
Speaker 1: you don't have to shame yourself. And that's where when
Speaker 1: it it starts having the power over you. When you
Speaker 1: shame yourself and push it down and try to not
Speaker 1: acknowledge it, then it actually takes the driving seat exactly.
Speaker 1: And that's when it leads with power or and we
Speaker 1: don't have to let it have the power. We get
Speaker 1: to acknowledge it, accept it, love on it, and allow
Speaker 1: love to be the one that speaks the truth to it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and it's it's a dance. It's a constant dance. And
Speaker 1: but it's you know, it's a disservice to our souls.
Speaker 1: We're not living as our most like, wholehearted whole. It's
Speaker 1: all of our parts, all of our parts we are
Speaker 1: not living. We're living as broken down pieces of ourselves
Speaker 1: if we're not acknowledging our whole selves. And so that
Speaker 1: that is my work. That is my constant work of
Speaker 1: constantly seeing these parts of me, owning them, trying to
Speaker 1: love all of me and not leading with That's not
Speaker 1: me saying like oh you have the sexual or its
Speaker 1: just go out and you know, manipulate. Now, it's actually
Speaker 1: the opposite. It allows you when you see these shadowy things.
Speaker 1: It allows you to be your most higher, whole hearted version.
Speaker 1: You lead it, you know, when you accept it with
Speaker 1: love and and accept it as it's like it's not
Speaker 1: bad or good. That's another thing. Oh God, yes things
Speaker 1: aren't bad or good. You're not failing, you're not winning,
Speaker 1: you're just learning, and a bad and good just kind
Speaker 1: of let you know what feels right for you and
Speaker 1: what feels wrong for you. Something blows up you have
Speaker 1: like a career blow up, a relationship blow up, your
Speaker 1: life blow up. It doesn't mean you're to stay stay there.
Speaker 1: You just are getting a really huge dose of what
Speaker 1: you don't like, and then you're getting a lot of
Speaker 1: times to see a lot of grace in those periods,
Speaker 1: insides of people that you maybe would never have seen,
Speaker 1: insides of yourself that you would have never seen. You
Speaker 1: have to make hard choices, like you didn't get to
Speaker 1: a point where it's like you literally don't want to
Speaker 1: wake up, or you decide to wean yourself off medicine,
Speaker 1: like if you get to a line and you have
Speaker 1: to make a life change. You know, and I think,
Speaker 1: to what what it does excite me about getting to
Speaker 1: share my story? It's like a I mean, we skimmed
Speaker 1: on it, like I you know, there's so much more
Speaker 1: and there's been a lot of trauma, and it's it's
Speaker 1: an exaggerated version. And I think that's part of what
Speaker 1: I signed up for, is to be able to come
Speaker 1: and say, listen, if I have lived through all this,
Speaker 1: if my neck looks more like a freaking toaster of it,
Speaker 1: then it does a spinal cord. And if I can
Speaker 1: heal all because everyone knows pain, that's the universal thing.
Speaker 1: Everyone knows trauma. And if I can heal, we all
Speaker 1: like we are created for this. Our bodies are longing
Speaker 1: for homeostasis, they were created for it. They're looking for
Speaker 1: balance or looking to come home, like they're all just
Speaker 1: calling us home. If I started looking at all of
Speaker 1: my pain, all of my trauma, all of my heartache, divorce,
Speaker 1: all the things as invitations to actually come home to myself,
Speaker 1: to do this work, this loving work that I was
Speaker 1: always so deserving of, that all of us are so
Speaker 1: deserved ing of. To remember my worthiness, to remember how
Speaker 1: divinely good I am and always acceptable. That is the
Speaker 1: most loving mirror that I could bring to the world. Yeah. Period.
Speaker 1: That's the most beautiful thing that I have to offer,
Speaker 1: is me knowing that for myself and knowing it for
Speaker 1: everyone around me, and being a mirror of that. Um
Speaker 1: that's my work. And I really believe that's all of
Speaker 1: our work, you know, And and it's like again, it's
Speaker 1: not about what's wrong with you. It's about remembering what's
Speaker 1: so freaking right about you and we're all deserving of it.
Speaker 1: And is it hard, Yes, but so is walking around
Speaker 1: and trauma mode and fight flight flea mode and panic mode.
Speaker 1: That's really fucking hard. So like, it's either do this
Speaker 1: hard work and live this freedom like You're gonna be
Speaker 1: hard either way. It's gonna be hard either way. But
Speaker 1: on the other side of doing that work is such
Speaker 1: goodness and such joy and freedom like I don't and
Speaker 1: I'm sure at plenty other times I'm going to feel
Speaker 1: the bondage that I've felt it, you know, and other
Speaker 1: really hard, painful things will happen because it's in Earth school.
Speaker 1: But I have these tools and I do feel this
Speaker 1: like freedom now. I feel joy on a level that
Speaker 1: I didn't think that I could I feel, you know,
Speaker 1: like last week, I'm walking around Marrakesh with like one
Speaker 1: of my closest friends from Europe, and I'm like, how
Speaker 1: is this real? Seven years ago, I couldn't get out
Speaker 1: of bed and I wanted to die, and I thought
Speaker 1: my life was over. And if I hadn't done this work,
Speaker 1: I could not experience at this and I couldn't appreciate this.
Speaker 1: I didn't think that was that every experience I had
Speaker 1: at that time was just through television. I couldn't I
Speaker 1: wasn't living, and like, oh my god, if I hadn't
Speaker 1: chosen life and to do this work, Like and how
Speaker 1: crazy that your work that you did on your pain
Speaker 1: is now you're huge career. But now you even elevated
Speaker 1: it from leading like you're not using it as a
Speaker 1: drug now to say, like you were talking earlier, I
Speaker 1: don't know how you phrase that, but like using that
Speaker 1: as a fix. Now you've even elevated from that. It's
Speaker 1: like you have done all this work. You continue to
Speaker 1: this work too. Now you're in the purpose work where
Speaker 1: you're truly feeling like heavenly joy on earth at times
Speaker 1: still you know, you're still in earth school, yes, and
Speaker 1: I'm human, but you know how it feels to feel
Speaker 1: heavenly joy. The difference, and it's just it's so different
Speaker 1: from like happiness, you know, I don't I don't seek
Speaker 1: happiness actually because that's like fleeting and it's it's usually
Speaker 1: based on kind of surpass or things you know. And
Speaker 1: but there is a even in the midst of really traumatic,
Speaker 1: horrible things. I can have peace and feel hopeful and
Speaker 1: feel joy. Um, that wasn't possible for me before. I
Speaker 1: don't know. I was like numbing myself. Um, are you
Speaker 1: able to feel that because you trust your journey so much?
Speaker 1: I guess so. I think because I've also embraced all
Speaker 1: the dark shadow traumatic kind of the deeper sorrow cars
Speaker 1: into your being, the more joy you can contain. It's
Speaker 1: not humanly possible to have one without the other. And
Speaker 1: just feeling sorry for yourself and sad isn't actually experiencing
Speaker 1: the trauma and letting yourself process it. Those are very
Speaker 1: different things. Because I felt really sad all the time,
Speaker 1: and I felt very sorry for myself, but I wasn't
Speaker 1: experiencing joy because I was still numbing, right, But processing trauma,
Speaker 1: experiencing it, being in it like owning your story going
Speaker 1: back in because there is so much freedom. I don't
Speaker 1: feel owned by that story anymore. It doesn't own me
Speaker 1: because I owned it right. The power is not there anymore.
Speaker 1: I don't feel um, like I said, like that pain
Speaker 1: story is literally the least interesting thing about me. Like
Speaker 1: I literally don't care because it's just like, let's talk
Speaker 1: about healing. That freaking thrills me because everyone has a
Speaker 1: pain story. Everyone has a pain story, and I care
Speaker 1: about people's pain stories, but I can read in a
Speaker 1: millisecond when someone's so defined by it. And actually, my
Speaker 1: manager yesterday we were chatting and it was funny and
Speaker 1: I say this lightly because I don't. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I feel like I need to like whatever. You know.
Speaker 1: She was talking about UM pain communities, and I did.
Speaker 1: I said, I think there's a time for that, and
Speaker 1: I think there are of service for people to be
Speaker 1: able to go to each other, that people that know
Speaker 1: what you're experiencing. That's so important, and that's a piece
Speaker 1: of the journey. You need to be able to talk
Speaker 1: it out. Example, who like the me too thing? That
Speaker 1: is the most powerful important peace. But then there's also
Speaker 1: a piece after that. Um, I'm not a part of
Speaker 1: any sort of pain group therapy because you worked through
Speaker 1: that because now I don't. I don't even think. It's
Speaker 1: just not that I don't still have pain. I do.
Speaker 1: I do, and I think I'm going to be able
Speaker 1: to continue to heal, and but I do. UM, but
Speaker 1: it's so not my identification anymore, and it's so not,
Speaker 1: and I am not dismissing. I think that plays such
Speaker 1: a vital, important role because I agree, I totally agree.
Speaker 1: But then there's a next there's another there's another phase
Speaker 1: where it no longer because in that phase it's easy
Speaker 1: to be identified with it. And if you're just sitting
Speaker 1: around with other people talking about your pain all the time,
Speaker 1: it's just easy to be consumed with it if you
Speaker 1: don't keep growing and keep moving and so, you know,
Speaker 1: but pain, again, it's universal, Like I interact with people
Speaker 1: with pain every day. It doesn't necessarily have to be
Speaker 1: physical pain. But everyone in my life has pain on
Speaker 1: some level because we're human. It's the human condition. But
Speaker 1: we also aren't leading with it, you know. And again,
Speaker 1: like you know, being in Marrakech and being with everyone
Speaker 1: for five or six days before they knew my story,
Speaker 1: like it was just it was so sweet because I
Speaker 1: forget that. It's like and you know, like after people
Speaker 1: wanted to talk about and they're like, I had no idea,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I love that. That's the best compliment
Speaker 1: you could ever ever give me, you know, because it
Speaker 1: isn't who I am. I'm excited and honored. What an
Speaker 1: honor that I get to share this with you and
Speaker 1: share the message of healing and hope on the other
Speaker 1: side of trauma. But in the same vein like we even,
Speaker 1: like the next day we didn't talk about it again. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because it's I who cares, Like there's so much more,
Speaker 1: you know, and like I, I I do feel like it's
Speaker 1: an honor that, you know, usually when people learn my story,
Speaker 1: they want to share their pain story with me, and
Speaker 1: it's an honor to hold that space for people. But
Speaker 1: then I'm also really excited to learn about other parts
Speaker 1: of them, you know. I'm like, yes, share that with me,
Speaker 1: and I will sit with you and then let's go
Speaker 1: like learn I want to learn about the other things,
Speaker 1: or let's go experience what's around us and not just
Speaker 1: stay so parked in that land, you know, yes, because
Speaker 1: I'm not going to define you by your pain. You
Speaker 1: might be there right now, but I know you're not.
Speaker 1: I see you, and you are not this pain. You
Speaker 1: are not. It's so hard when you're in the midst
Speaker 1: of it, especially at the beginning. Good God, it's so
Speaker 1: hard not to be defined by it. It's so all consuming.
Speaker 1: Um and I get it, but I think it would
Speaker 1: be a disservice for me to let for me to
Speaker 1: define them by that too, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: I do and so I try as lovingly with like you,
Speaker 1: with a lot of grace, and I'm sure I've messed
Speaker 1: up and I will continue to. But um, I want
Speaker 1: to learn just like what do you do? You know,
Speaker 1: I want to learn about them outside of their pain
Speaker 1: story that thrills me. I want to learn about your soul,
Speaker 1: about your heart, about your journey, not just about your pain. Um.
Speaker 1: But yeah, it's a journey and we're all on it,
Speaker 1: and it's like we're all at different stages and I
Speaker 1: have such a long way to go, and I will
Speaker 1: continue doing work. And I hope I never ever ever
Speaker 1: stopped being curious or ever think that I've arrived or
Speaker 1: ever think I have it all figured out, because I'll
Speaker 1: have moments of that and then I it's like comedic
Speaker 1: because I will fall on my ass. So every time
Speaker 1: I hit a plateau, and I'm like, spiritually so chill
Speaker 1: and like I might as well just like you know,
Speaker 1: have to be signs in the air at all time.
Speaker 1: Every time I get knocked down worse than before. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and that's also that's like it's loving for us because
Speaker 1: it brings us back to reality, and it brings us
Speaker 1: back to grounds here like everyone else, no one has
Speaker 1: it all figured out. We're all the same, We're all
Speaker 1: just souls in Earth school doing the best we can,
Speaker 1: walking around with a lot of trauma and a lot
Speaker 1: of pain. And I try to when I see people
Speaker 1: acting out or doing things that are I can be
Speaker 1: very judgmental, um, because I'm honestly, it's usually when I'm
Speaker 1: being really judgmental of myself then I can go out
Speaker 1: in the world and be very judgmental of others. And
Speaker 1: when I'm being a lot more loving for myself, I
Speaker 1: have so much more grace for those around me. But
Speaker 1: when I'm going around and I'm seeing things that people
Speaker 1: are acting out or whatever, I try to remember that
Speaker 1: their soul is so pure that they are acting like
Speaker 1: over always has hurt people, hurt people. They are acting
Speaker 1: out of unresolved trauma. They are wounded like, not why
Speaker 1: do you do this? But what happened to you? What happened?
Speaker 1: Because that is a person in so much pain. Um,
Speaker 1: don't have to let them into my life. Do I
Speaker 1: have strong boundaries? Oh? Yeah, I'm not trying to be
Speaker 1: best friends with that person, but like, I can still
Speaker 1: love them far and I'll have to judge them, and
Speaker 1: I can see their higher selves and their souls are
Speaker 1: in there. And I think there's also something really important
Speaker 1: when we see people doing hard things, or we are
Speaker 1: doing hard things that are hurting other people, you know,
Speaker 1: to try, I think for a long time, especially some
Speaker 1: of the messages that hurt in church is like, um,
Speaker 1: I know who you're capable of being, instead of just
Speaker 1: being like I like you for exactly who you are
Speaker 1: right now. My friend Katie Messer and I had a
Speaker 1: long talk about that one time because I was talking
Speaker 1: about someone that I just was really struggling with, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, I know what they're capable of, and like
Speaker 1: I see it and I know you know. And she's like, well,
Speaker 1: what if you just really accepted and love them exactly
Speaker 1: as they are right now, not who you hope they
Speaker 1: can be or who they should be, or who you
Speaker 1: want them to be. But that is the most loving
Speaker 1: thing that you can give to anyone. Yeah, the most
Speaker 1: loving Do you have to accept the horrible behavior? No?
Speaker 1: But like I like, not just like I love you,
Speaker 1: but I like you. You know that is that's revolutionary.
Speaker 1: I believe a revolutionary and that's I don't always do
Speaker 1: that very well at all. And also I sometimes find
Speaker 1: it comical with myself when I am in that same position,
Speaker 1: thinking like God, why isn't this person to do this?
Speaker 1: Like come on, oh my god. But then I like
Speaker 1: try to catch myself and I'm like, and you know,
Speaker 1: like you were in their soul, and you were in
Speaker 1: their brain, and you were in their purpose and their
Speaker 1: reason for being on this earth. So I clearly know
Speaker 1: why they should be who they need to be I
Speaker 1: need to get. I let me, I know everyone on
Speaker 1: this earth needs to be because I got the flawless script.
Speaker 1: You know, I was the one that received the perfect
Speaker 1: information Like no, you know. And then then I like,
Speaker 1: I actually can say that to us. I'm like, Carol,
Speaker 1: you're a hot mess all the time, Like why do
Speaker 1: you think that you would know what they're why they
Speaker 1: came here, and like what their little personality needs to
Speaker 1: go through to get there? I know? Well, And it's
Speaker 1: I mean they always say, like especially the stuff that
Speaker 1: we're the most harsh about and most judgmental, it's stuff
Speaker 1: that we usually have on some levels struggle with in
Speaker 1: our own shadows. You know that we haven't accepted and
Speaker 1: owned and honored and loved and all the things. So
Speaker 1: I mean, we're just we're all doing the best we can.
Speaker 1: Life is just freaking hard and so beautiful and so
Speaker 1: fucked up and so wonderful and so hard and all
Speaker 1: the things. It's just is, it's it's all of it,
Speaker 1: you know, And you can't have one without the other.
Speaker 1: And we don't have to be it or feel shamed
Speaker 1: about any of it. No, we're human. That's why me
Speaker 1: too is so powerful. And we have these hard conversations
Speaker 1: and talk about our shadow stuff and talk about our shame,
Speaker 1: it the power goes away. And that's beautiful. Yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: I love that, Ruthie Man. I'm so thankful that you
Speaker 1: wrote this book. And I gotta wrap up because we've
Speaker 1: already talked to Aaron half. This is amazing thing. There
Speaker 1: I am. It's not out yet, it comes out April, Okay,
Speaker 1: April first. Everyone needs to get this. And you speak
Speaker 1: all over the place, and honestly, I just think it's you.
Speaker 1: You're the kind of person that's so important in this
Speaker 1: world because you're just speaking this message that a lot
Speaker 1: of people they haven't gotten to the place in their life.
Speaker 1: I guess where they hit such a place where they
Speaker 1: had to make a choice, like how am I going
Speaker 1: to live? But you have made this choice to really
Speaker 1: choose this journey of healing, and like you've committed to
Speaker 1: it and you've done the work, and you're willing to
Speaker 1: talk about stuff that people don't want to talk about.
Speaker 1: You're willing to talk about really painful experiences that so
Speaker 1: many people would want to block. And I just feel
Speaker 1: your rarity in this world in the way that you're
Speaker 1: just willing to share this this, these painful things, and
Speaker 1: you're willing to make them not scary, and you're willing
Speaker 1: to make it okay to like like you hit me
Speaker 1: with like when you said, oh hey envy, oh hey
Speaker 1: um whatever, like sitting next to you, like that's great
Speaker 1: to hear that that like, Okay, I don't have to
Speaker 1: feel bad or I don't have to hide this, or
Speaker 1: like I can get to this other side. And you
Speaker 1: are one of those people who was teaching this and
Speaker 1: you're a great teacher, like you said, Myles is a
Speaker 1: great teacher. To you, you are a wonderful teacher, and
Speaker 1: you're a great teacher to me, and I know everyone
Speaker 1: listening to this is going to receive something from you.
Speaker 1: And I'm grateful that you have embraced your journey in
Speaker 1: this way because it is very healing for the rest
Speaker 1: of us who get to encounter you. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: That's so kind. And it's been such a treat and
Speaker 1: such a delightful time to get to sit across from
Speaker 1: you and to learn from you and to just share.
Speaker 1: I'm really really grateful. Thank you. So wrap every interview,
Speaker 1: last question with leave your Light? What do you want
Speaker 1: people to know? What I want? What do you want
Speaker 1: people to know about me? Just what do you want
Speaker 1: them to know? Um that healing is for them, healing
Speaker 1: is for you, Ruthie, thank you so much for joining.
Speaker 1: Thank you sister, amazing, You're amazing. Thank you guy.