Speaker 1: Hell I Suck At Dating with Dengler and Jared Haven
Speaker 1: and I heard radio podcast What is going on? Everyone?
Speaker 1: Welcome to an all new episode of Help I Suck
Speaker 1: At Dating. This is Dean Alert joined out of studio
Speaker 1: by Jared Haven. Jared What's going We're never getting back
Speaker 1: in studio this, So I don't know. Hanna was just
Speaker 1: at I heart. I saw a Hunter Instagram stories the
Speaker 1: other day, so I think that you know, the world
Speaker 1: is returning to its warmer glory. I disagree. I'm so
Speaker 1: pessimistic about the world right now with this delta variant because,
Speaker 1: as everybody knows, we've been promoting, we're supposed to be
Speaker 1: in Napa for Ben and Jess's engagement party. We had
Speaker 1: I don't know how many people, like eight ten people go,
Speaker 1: and we were going to record podcasts there. Now Ashley
Speaker 1: and I weren't going to go because Ashley has been
Speaker 1: really sick, but we're still everybody was gonna go, and
Speaker 1: then that got canceled, which means the meat and greet,
Speaker 1: the Help I Suck At Dating Summer sucks. Summer is
Speaker 1: that what we called it? Anyway, that got canceled too,
Speaker 1: which sucks because obviously we're not gonna be together, so
Speaker 1: we can't really do HI meet and great. Hopefully we're
Speaker 1: gonna be able to reschedule that. But Dean, you're still
Speaker 1: going to NAPA. Are you doing like a little couples
Speaker 1: getaway or something with Calin? Yeah, Caitlin and I missed
Speaker 1: our flight this morning, probably most sleep because of me.
Speaker 1: I thought that it left it. I thought that it
Speaker 1: boarded and left. But it turns out, see what happened.
Speaker 1: It turns out it left at eight thirty, and so
Speaker 1: he showed up at eight and we had Pappy had
Speaker 1: to check in. We're gonna park at the airport. The
Speaker 1: parking lots are all under construction. So anyways, I've never
Speaker 1: met a person who has missed more flights in their life. Like,
Speaker 1: I get so much anxiety about missing a flight. I'm
Speaker 1: mostly at the airport two hours beforehand. I don't get
Speaker 1: how you don't like if I have a flight at
Speaker 1: six am, I can't sleep because I have too much
Speaker 1: anxiety about missing the flight, my my alarm not going off,
Speaker 1: sleeping through my alarm. I cannot sleep well if I
Speaker 1: have an early flight. The other time I missed a
Speaker 1: flight my wedding. Yeah, Okay, I knew that just you're
Speaker 1: gonna say that one. That one. I can't remember exactly why,
Speaker 1: but there was a good reason for that one. I'm
Speaker 1: sure there's a great reason anyway. So what are you
Speaker 1: guys doing a Napa now that nobody's going? You two
Speaker 1: are just gonna have a nice little couple's weekend. Well
Speaker 1: that's the thing is like Nick texted me and said, hey,
Speaker 1: U s Napa got canceled, but should we still go
Speaker 1: because we already have our flights booked in the hotel booked.
Speaker 1: And then Tana texted us and said, hey, we're still
Speaker 1: gonna go to Napa if you guys want to come still,
Speaker 1: And then so there's gonna be like, actually, quite a
Speaker 1: few people were all staying at the Meritage, which is
Speaker 1: like a sweet little hotel up in nap but it's
Speaker 1: got these nine on site wine tasting rooms and micro
Speaker 1: brewery and artisanal five tunk grocery store and wine and
Speaker 1: foods and all that kind of stuff. So Meritage is
Speaker 1: signature restaurant. Olive and Hay is Napa Valley's new Italian
Speaker 1: restaurant from Farm Fresh Fair. Here guests experienced local Napa
Speaker 1: Valley sourced ingredients on a journey from the farm to table,
Speaker 1: fusing homemade and homegrown, modern and classic, innovative in traditional
Speaker 1: Italian cuisine. Positioned at the gateway of Napa Valley, the
Speaker 1: Marriage Resort and Spa welcomes guests to an idyllic resort
Speaker 1: set against rolling hills and its own private vineyards. Um. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's really nice up there, and we had it booked already,
Speaker 1: so you might as well just go in and uh
Speaker 1: enjoy it. I don't know why I got canceled. I'm
Speaker 1: assuming it has something to do with the delta variant.
Speaker 1: Maybe I heart just doesn't want like a bunch of
Speaker 1: people getting together right now with numbers going up, specifically
Speaker 1: in California. I don't know, but it kind of actually
Speaker 1: worked out for Ash and I because we weren't gonna
Speaker 1: go anyway, so we kind of felt bad. Polus, like
Speaker 1: you said, it was a good group of people going
Speaker 1: and apparently still going, so we were you know, we're
Speaker 1: gonna have a little bit follow I guess we still
Speaker 1: have PHONEO because you guys can be posting pictures having fun. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean mean Nick and Tanya are I guess still
Speaker 1: gonna go, but I texted Bend last night too, and
Speaker 1: I was like, Ben, we're still gonna go to NAPA.
Speaker 1: You should come, And he was like, I didn't even
Speaker 1: realize that was an option. So I don't know. I
Speaker 1: don't know if he's gonna come as well, but it'd
Speaker 1: be great to see him there. I'm just bummed her
Speaker 1: and play Chardon a golf club, and I had heard
Speaker 1: such good things about it now because we're gonna have
Speaker 1: to reschedule and and play again. There sometimes comes out right, obviously,
Speaker 1: Delta Eco, what are the variant, the UK variant, They're
Speaker 1: all coming. It's all, it's all, it's all good things.
Speaker 1: Ah joking obviously. Anyway, we do have a very good podcast,
Speaker 1: not maybe not a great one, a very good one
Speaker 1: because we're not an Apple that would have made a
Speaker 1: great but we're still gonna have a pretty good podcast.
Speaker 1: We have some hot topics to get to. Whenever I
Speaker 1: hear hot topics, all I think about is hot pocket.
Speaker 1: You know how we have like our little jingle for
Speaker 1: the emails, like we just got an email. I think
Speaker 1: we need to like make it a little jingle for
Speaker 1: the hot topics. Who is the hot topics? Hot topics? Well,
Speaker 1: the first one, of course, is my favorite because it's
Speaker 1: all over the news. It's the reigniting love of benefit.
Speaker 1: Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck guess what. Guess what bro
Speaker 1: their Instagram official they posted on Instagram together They were
Speaker 1: in a boat. They even recreated the scene from Jenny
Speaker 1: from the Block music video. Do you have any idea
Speaker 1: what I'm talking about? Nope? All right, you remember the
Speaker 1: Jenny from the Block of music video where it's like,
Speaker 1: I'm still I'm still Jenny from the Block. You don't
Speaker 1: remember this music video. I've never seen it. I think
Speaker 1: we have different rundowns because I don't see anything about this,
Speaker 1: which is great because I'm just gonna surrender all control
Speaker 1: that you navigate this entire episode. Well, we have two emails,
Speaker 1: so it might be the email prior because we have
Speaker 1: two rundowns. Anyway, let me let me continue with this
Speaker 1: this one right here. So j Lo on her fifty
Speaker 1: second birthday, posted on her Instagram fifty two What it
Speaker 1: do to mark the occasion? Obviously. She also uploaded an
Speaker 1: Instagram slide show, as we all do, of photos of like,
Speaker 1: you know, the birthday girl. She was on a yeah
Speaker 1: looking as fabulous as Jaylo has ever looked, which is
Speaker 1: pretty impressive, dude, she's fifty two. I first of all,
Speaker 1: I love Jlo, like individually, I love Jennifer Lopez an individually,
Speaker 1: I love Ben Affleck because Jlo is the most like
Speaker 1: badass woman to ever walk up this earth, and the
Speaker 1: fact that her and Ben Affleck are together just fills
Speaker 1: my heart with such joy because she's just like so badass,
Speaker 1: so sexy, so hot. She's like the most powerful person,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. She's she's she's a businesswoman,
Speaker 1: she's a singer, she's an actress, she's an entrepreneur. Like
Speaker 1: she's just awesome. And then Ben Affleck has had this
Speaker 1: roller coaster of a ride throughout his entire career, where
Speaker 1: like he was young and catapulted to fame with Matt
Speaker 1: Damon with Goodwill Hunting, and then he kind of went
Speaker 1: on this like little bit of like a big blockbuster
Speaker 1: roller coaster. We had Armageddon, which was a huge hit,
Speaker 1: but it didn't like Pearl Harbor, which was not that good.
Speaker 1: He won like a ton of Razzy awards for because
Speaker 1: nobody thought he was a good actor, and then he
Speaker 1: kind of like dipped out for a little while, and
Speaker 1: then he came back and started directing, and he directed
Speaker 1: Gone Baby, Gone in the Town and Argo and One
Speaker 1: Best Director, and it was like, holy crap, Ben Affleck
Speaker 1: is back. And then he became Batman and that was
Speaker 1: like a split, you know, fifty fifty. Some people loved him,
Speaker 1: some people hated him. And then him and Jennifer Garner
Speaker 1: got divorced, and then he went through this alcoholism in
Speaker 1: front of everybody, and everybody could see like the decline
Speaker 1: of Ben Affleck, which was so sad. And now here
Speaker 1: he is back with Jennifer Lopez, and I just love
Speaker 1: the fact that the like he's just like this rugged
Speaker 1: bearded Boston guy, you know, who drinks Dunkin Donuts and
Speaker 1: roots for the Red Sox, and he's with Jennifer Lopez,
Speaker 1: arguably the most badass woman in the history of civilization. Anyway,
Speaker 1: that's my rent. I freaking love it, man. So anyway,
Speaker 1: long story short, they were on a yacht. Yeah it's
Speaker 1: a yach it's Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. Of course
Speaker 1: they're on a yacht while Dean and I are in dinghies,
Speaker 1: you know. But anyway, in the music video, all those
Speaker 1: years ago, as ago, whatever it was for Jenny on
Speaker 1: the Block was when Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were
Speaker 1: together and there was a scene where like he there
Speaker 1: on a yacht and he like slaps her button, like
Speaker 1: kind of pulls her G string a little bit. Or
Speaker 1: is it is that a G string? What's on the
Speaker 1: side like you know that it's just a string? I
Speaker 1: guess on the side of being suit I don't know, Jared,
Speaker 1: what exactly is a G string? Jared, What's It's so
Speaker 1: funny you said long story short after just going off
Speaker 1: on a tangent for a good seven and a half minutes.
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to, you know, just bringing the content,
Speaker 1: that's all. I I just want to make sure you
Speaker 1: understand the purpose of saying long story short, because you're
Speaker 1: taking something that takes a long time to describe and
Speaker 1: you're shortening it to spare having to go into this
Speaker 1: great detailed thing. You were talking about j Lo and
Speaker 1: Ben Affleck on a boat, and you felt like you
Speaker 1: had to give all of us a brief history of
Speaker 1: Ben afflecks acting career to better understand the Ben Affleck
Speaker 1: and j l on a boat picture. So yeah, that's
Speaker 1: the beauty. You can't say long story short when you
Speaker 1: go into like the discography of the actor, just so
Speaker 1: we better understand the picture that they are now Instagram
Speaker 1: officials with. I just want to make sure that's what,
Speaker 1: that's clear. I just want to understandable. Okay, totally understandable.
Speaker 1: I go way off topic usually I'm out of context.
Speaker 1: But the point of this story is the fact that
Speaker 1: I love them together. I forget where I was going
Speaker 1: with this. Oh anyway, they just recreated a scene from
Speaker 1: Jenny in the Block, which they definitely did intentionally, which
Speaker 1: drove a lot of fans through a frenzy, including myself,
Speaker 1: because I just love it. I love the fact that together,
Speaker 1: it makes me feel like it's two thousand three again
Speaker 1: and all is right in the world. Their Instagram official
Speaker 1: I am so Team benefit. All I want in this
Speaker 1: world is for the Red Sox to make the World Series.
Speaker 1: And Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are at a World
Speaker 1: Series game in Fenway Park, and Jennifer Lopez is all
Speaker 1: decked out in Boston Red Sox gear and just like
Speaker 1: pretty much looks in the camera and says in lips
Speaker 1: Alex Rodriguez and then just throws the middle finger up.
Speaker 1: That's all I want in this world, because, oh my god,
Speaker 1: that'd be so good. Anyway, do you believe in second chances?
Speaker 1: In love? Jared? If you could go back to anyway,
Speaker 1: big gulps. Huh. If you could go back to two
Speaker 1: thousand three with the same knowledge that you have now,
Speaker 1: and then you'd be but you'd also be fourteen years old?
Speaker 1: Would you do it? Yeah, wouldn't you? I mean, yeah,
Speaker 1: I understand would, but I'm not the one that's married
Speaker 1: with a kid on the way. I know, but I
Speaker 1: would just make sure that everything was still in line
Speaker 1: with Ashley and my future child. But I would also
Speaker 1: just be betting, you know, making tons of sports bets
Speaker 1: like may come back to the future too and be
Speaker 1: filthy rich and own multiple casinos because that's what he did.
Speaker 1: And then I'd be just the same person I am today,
Speaker 1: except have ten times as much my Who am I kidding?
Speaker 1: A thousand times more money? Yeah, that's the right answer,
Speaker 1: don at Obviously I think I was buy a bunch
Speaker 1: of bitcoin like two thousand eight or something, you know.
Speaker 1: Oh uh, do you have any thoughts about benefit? You know, benefit?
Speaker 1: Jennifer Lopez Ben affleck, I feel like, you know, I
Speaker 1: appreciate asking me that. Yeah, I actually do have quite
Speaker 1: a few thoughts about it. Let's start from the beginning.
Speaker 1: Let's start from Jennifer Lopez's birth the year nineteen fifty nine, No,
Speaker 1: nineteen sixty nine. Jail was born in nineteen sixty nine.
Speaker 1: That's a fun fact for the listeners out there. That's
Speaker 1: the same year we landed on the moon. So anyways, yeah,
Speaker 1: back to the year we land on the moon. J
Speaker 1: Loo World. She that's a good one. She you know,
Speaker 1: she was she was an ambitious young child at the time.
Speaker 1: Her parents, you know, they were constantly having to put
Speaker 1: her in time out for acting up. But most creative
Speaker 1: minds are like that these days. So, you know, j Loo,
Speaker 1: she just always was singing and dancing ever since she
Speaker 1: was in an elementary school, middle school, really active in
Speaker 1: the theater. And then she finally got to bring big
Speaker 1: break as a sixteen year old on Broadway. She uh,
Speaker 1: you know, she started singing and she got discovered by
Speaker 1: uh the the who's the big guy back then? Uh
Speaker 1: Mark Mark Spaulding was the guy that discovered her. And
Speaker 1: uh so she, you know, she went on to make
Speaker 1: such great hits such as, uh, Jenny from the Block
Speaker 1: for one, Um, what else? Uh, I'm trying to do
Speaker 1: the same thing on the top of your head. I
Speaker 1: don't believe any of this trying to flip it for
Speaker 1: j Loo since all we got was that Ben Affleck. Uh,
Speaker 1: you know story I'm trying to. I'm trying to create
Speaker 1: something for Jlo here. I don't really have as just well,
Speaker 1: Jlo has been so successful, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: The interesting part of Ben Affleck for me is his
Speaker 1: the rollercoaster of a life and career that he's had.
Speaker 1: Plus he's a Boston guy, so he's local, you know,
Speaker 1: and he roots with Tom Brady, so I can relate.
Speaker 1: Jennifer Lopez is just like the She's I mean, the
Speaker 1: closest thing to She's not perfect, obviously we talked about
Speaker 1: this podcast. There's no such thing as perfect, but damn,
Speaker 1: Jennifer Lopez closed. I used to have a calendar Lopez
Speaker 1: that was like my first woman's calendar. You know who's bigger,
Speaker 1: j Lo or Shakira? Oh, j Lo Shaquira. You think
Speaker 1: Shakira is not even the same ballpark. Oh, I don't,
Speaker 1: not even the same town, same state. I think Jennifer
Speaker 1: Lopez is massive. Yeah, I don't disagree with that. I
Speaker 1: will say, Uh, one of the few music videos I've
Speaker 1: ever had like maybe like a physical reaction to, like
Speaker 1: a positive physical reaction to, was She Wolf by Shakira.
Speaker 1: So maybe that's why I was thinking that. Okay, Uh,
Speaker 1: same same question. I'm sorry. Jennifer Lopez or Beyonce. Wow,
Speaker 1: Now that's a good question. See if you would have
Speaker 1: asked me four or five years ago, I probably would
Speaker 1: have said Beyonce. But I feel like Jlo has had
Speaker 1: this renaissance. Ah man, that is tough. I mean, Beyonce
Speaker 1: is also inarguably the most powerful couple there is in
Speaker 1: the world. Jay Z has been affleck though questionable. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but Jay's I mean, I love my boy Ben, but
Speaker 1: I mean, let's be real. Jay Z's jay Z. You
Speaker 1: know what I mean. He's the Michael Jordan of music. Um, alright, Beyonce,
Speaker 1: I'm going Beyonce, baby. I will see if we're using solely,
Speaker 1: if we're using Instagram followers as a metric, Beyonce has
Speaker 1: j Lo beat a hundred sixty seven for j Lo,
Speaker 1: hundred nineties six million for Beyonce. So it's close will
Speaker 1: probably who has the most Instagram followers. I think it's
Speaker 1: christ Giano Ronaldo. It's not Selena Gomez. I thought, what
Speaker 1: I know, that's so random, but I think Selena Gomez
Speaker 1: might have the most Instagram followers In the one which
Speaker 1: is crazy, I'm pretty sure it's Christiano Ronaldo or it
Speaker 1: might be messy. Yeah, Christian has got more than Selena Ronaldo.
Speaker 1: How you looking at dude? Ronaldo is three hundred and
Speaker 1: twenty million followers. Yeah, that's crazy. I mean he'll probably
Speaker 1: the first person with a billion followers on Instagram, which
Speaker 1: is on the sane. I don't think that will ever happen,
Speaker 1: but maybe, Well, dude, like TikTok, like I wish, I like,
Speaker 1: I want to be the biggest. Oh Addison Ray. Like
Speaker 1: Addison Ray on TikTok. Holy she has? She has eighty
Speaker 1: two million followers on TikTok. Do you know how many
Speaker 1: likes she has? Though? Take a guess, how many likes
Speaker 1: do you think Addison Ray has on TikTok. If I
Speaker 1: had to guess, purely off the top of my head,
Speaker 1: how many followers does she have? Eighty two million? Eighty
Speaker 1: two million followers? I'm going to guess that she's got
Speaker 1: somewhere around five five to five and a half billion likes. Wow,
Speaker 1: nicely done. Five point three billion likes. That was close, dude,
Speaker 1: you were like spot on billion. Think about that she
Speaker 1: has five billion likes. She almost insane. She almost gave
Speaker 1: everyone in the world a cell phone and download a
Speaker 1: TikTok for them and made every person in the world
Speaker 1: like one of her videos. Nearly We're not quite there,
Speaker 1: but close was she? Uh? Was she big before COVID.
Speaker 1: I think she's like a Disney guy, Disney star or something.
Speaker 1: I remember. I remember seeing something about her being like
Speaker 1: a child star sorts, but I don't know. Like Jake
Speaker 1: paul Um before he started boxing, which I'm actually glad
Speaker 1: he started boxing. I'm kind of the minority on that one.
Speaker 1: I'm actually he interests me. He's a good villain, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. He's fun to root against. I
Speaker 1: like it. Anyway. Last hot topic before we go into
Speaker 1: our break Tyler Cameron or Buddy Tyler Cameron. He just
Speaker 1: released a book called You Deserve Better, appropriately titled uh.
Speaker 1: He talks about his proposal speech for Hannah Brown. He
Speaker 1: talks about um. What else does he talk about he
Speaker 1: talks about their breakup, he talks about Gigi hadd uh,
Speaker 1: he talks about Hannah Brown and their friendship after the Bachelor.
Speaker 1: So I guess this goes to an age old question,
Speaker 1: my friend, Dean, do we feel still think that we
Speaker 1: can be really close friends with our X Because again
Speaker 1: I'm doubling down. I'm gonna say that's a negative. I
Speaker 1: don't think you can be friends with the next I'm
Speaker 1: sticking by it. I'm gonna this is the hell I'm
Speaker 1: gonna die on. I think it's funny that we have
Speaker 1: a pud has called help I Suck at dating and
Speaker 1: he just put out a book called You Deserve Better. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we should have him on. Isn't that kind of funny? Like? Um, Also,
Speaker 1: I didn't. I like, if you're gonna write a book,
Speaker 1: it's more or less like an autobiographical book about probably
Speaker 1: like the last couple of years of his life. Sure,
Speaker 1: how are you just gonna go ahead and throw your
Speaker 1: relationship with Gigi Hadid in there? Like if I was
Speaker 1: Gigi Heidid and a guy that I did it for
Speaker 1: a little bit went out and wrote a book and
Speaker 1: started like talking about the relationship that we were in
Speaker 1: for a while, I would belive it, don't you think. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I mean I haven't read the books, so I guess
Speaker 1: it depends on how much detail he really goes into. Um,
Speaker 1: I'm sure he probably told her. Like he seems like
Speaker 1: a pretty respectful guy. I can't imagine he would have
Speaker 1: written about Gigi Hadid or Hannah or anybody else in
Speaker 1: this book without giving them the heads up of, Hey,
Speaker 1: this is what I'm writing, this is what's gonna be about.
Speaker 1: Out wanted to give you the heads up because I
Speaker 1: know that was like a sticking thing with Kalin, right
Speaker 1: with Colton were like he wrote his book and you
Speaker 1: know he wrote, you know, he talked about Klin and
Speaker 1: there he talked about you know, his top four, his
Speaker 1: time on the Bachelor. Uh, oh my god. Who Cassie Um?
Speaker 1: And like he didn't ask Klin for permission to write
Speaker 1: about her? Did he know? He didn't he? I don't
Speaker 1: think he asked any of them for permission, even consider
Speaker 1: even Cassie. Um. You're probably right. I would hope that
Speaker 1: he would have that that that respect to at least
Speaker 1: mentioned something to her. I don't know. I just think
Speaker 1: it's weird. Like, let's say, for instance, let's say one
Speaker 1: of like let's say kl like lo, it's just different
Speaker 1: for you. Let's say like Christina wrote a book right,
Speaker 1: and and then she's like gout a couple of chapters
Speaker 1: devoted to like talking about me, good or bad. Whether
Speaker 1: it's in a good light or in a bad light,
Speaker 1: I would still gonna be bad. I agree, I think.
Speaker 1: I agree. I think it would be most be bad,
Speaker 1: but I don't think it's rightfully so, because I think
Speaker 1: from everything I know there were some glimmers of good
Speaker 1: things in there. I guess my point is all that,
Speaker 1: to say, long story short, if you will, UM, I
Speaker 1: would still be like not super stoked about it, Like
Speaker 1: I don't want to be written about in a book
Speaker 1: from another person's perspective, and I don't think I would
Speaker 1: ever want to do that to anyone else either. Anyways,
Speaker 1: That's just where I'm coming from. So hopefully he said
Speaker 1: something to both Hannah and to g G and to
Speaker 1: whoever else is mentioned in the book. Now, do I
Speaker 1: think that you can be friends the next Um? I
Speaker 1: think that ever since talking to you about it a
Speaker 1: little bit more, I have kind of come around the
Speaker 1: other side of it, and I agree that being friends
Speaker 1: with an ex is mostly gonna lead to negative things. Um,
Speaker 1: So I don't think it's a great idea. I will say,
Speaker 1: I feel like their situation is a little unique though,
Speaker 1: where it's like they like, I don't know, like their
Speaker 1: interactions on social media, they seem like they're actually friends,
Speaker 1: and it's like, I don't know if there's really any like, uh,
Speaker 1: they're not like harboring any more feelings anymore as as
Speaker 1: far I mean again from just to completely um under
Speaker 1: informed opinion that only knows them through social media. But
Speaker 1: that's just my take on it. So maybe like he
Speaker 1: has got a boyfriend now Tyler I think as a
Speaker 1: girlfriend now. In that case, it's like why not? Why
Speaker 1: can't they be friends? Yeah, But it's also weird being
Speaker 1: in the spot because you know, people go to and
Speaker 1: be like, oh, I wish you ended up with Tyler,
Speaker 1: or they go up to Tyler and be like, oh,
Speaker 1: you were so perfect for Hannah. She should have picked you.
Speaker 1: And it's like his new girlfriend sitting next to him
Speaker 1: like Okay, thanks, that's great, nice meeting you. It's always
Speaker 1: so weird when people say that, especially in public. But anyway,
Speaker 1: I digress. So we're gonna take a quick break. When
Speaker 1: we come back, we have a couple more hot topics.
Speaker 1: We have emails, and I also I have an article
Speaker 1: about toxic relationships that I want to talk to Dean about,
Speaker 1: uh and figure out what is toxic and what is not.
Speaker 1: But before that, Dean's gonna stick up his legs. He
Speaker 1: looks like he's naked right now. Dude, your feet are filthy. Bro,
Speaker 1: you need somewhere some socks. All that's disgusting. I wanna
Speaker 1: throw if he's showing his feet to the camera, this
Speaker 1: is this is horrible right now. All right, we're gonna
Speaker 1: take a break. It definitely looks like you're penis. All right, everyone,
Speaker 1: welcome back to help I suck at dating. Thank you
Speaker 1: for sticking with us through that long, long break. What
Speaker 1: are we gonna talk about this segment here? Jared, you
Speaker 1: got the run down in front of mine appears to
Speaker 1: be just non existent. So what do you got for us? Well,
Speaker 1: there was something that I kind of looked up by
Speaker 1: this author named Mark Manson. So Mark Manson is a guy,
Speaker 1: UH that wrote a couple of books. One is called
Speaker 1: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a f The other
Speaker 1: one is Everything is ft a book about hope. Uh.
Speaker 1: And he's a pretty interesting cell health author. He's a blogger.
Speaker 1: H He's a pretty interesting guy. And he wrote an
Speaker 1: art call on his website called six Signs that you
Speaker 1: are in a Toxic relationship. So I kind of wanted
Speaker 1: to go through each sign and see if you agree
Speaker 1: whether this is a toxic part of being in a relationship.
Speaker 1: So before we do that, you know, let's define, according
Speaker 1: to Mark, what is a toxic relationship. So he says
Speaker 1: that a toxic relationship occurs when one or both people
Speaker 1: are prioritizing love over the three core components of a
Speaker 1: healthy relationship. And those three core components our respect, trust,
Speaker 1: and affection. He said, might sound crazy, but not. But
Speaker 1: some people just stay in a relationship because they just
Speaker 1: want to be in love, even if they're not in
Speaker 1: love with the person they are with. So he goes
Speaker 1: through six signs of a toxic relationship that you may
Speaker 1: think are normal. The first one something called the relationship scorecard.
Speaker 1: Now apparently the keeping score phenomenon is when someone you're
Speaker 1: dating continues to blame you for past mistakes. If both
Speaker 1: people in the relationship do this, it devolves into what
Speaker 1: he calls the relationships scorecard, where the relationship devolves into
Speaker 1: a battle to see who has screwed up the most
Speaker 1: over the months or years, and therefore who is most
Speaker 1: indebted to one another. He says, why is this toxic? Well,
Speaker 1: the relationship scores card is a double whammy of suckage.
Speaker 1: Not only are you deflecting the current issue by focusing
Speaker 1: on previous wrongs, but you're getting up guilt and bitterness
Speaker 1: from the past manipulate your partner into feeling bad in
Speaker 1: the present. I mean that sounds pretty toxic to me.
Speaker 1: Have you ever dealt with a situation like that? Uh? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I would say I'm probably still guilty of that to
Speaker 1: some extent today. I think we all are, whether we
Speaker 1: realize it or not. Yeah, I agree, Like I think
Speaker 1: we all do. We we have like pity parties for
Speaker 1: ourselves and it's like, no, you're more indebted to me
Speaker 1: than I am to you because of X, Y and Z.
Speaker 1: And it's so weird. It is like this weird um combativeness.
Speaker 1: Like I know friends that they actually kind of fight
Speaker 1: about who works harder, you know, And that's like it's
Speaker 1: like a competition between the two of them of who's
Speaker 1: like a harder worker, not necessarily who brings in more money,
Speaker 1: but just like who works harder, you know, and they
Speaker 1: use that against them and fights and it's really not
Speaker 1: the best. Um, you know that it's it's pretty toxic.
Speaker 1: It's just say blocking that sounds pretty toxic. Well, for instance,
Speaker 1: like yesterday I got Kalen, I bought Kalen and I
Speaker 1: breakfast in lunch, so that I made Calin buy me dinner.
Speaker 1: Does that toxic? M m? It seems fair not toxic. Um,
Speaker 1: I think that's fair. Okay, Yeah, you're like, I think
Speaker 1: it's fair. If you said, oh, I always pay for
Speaker 1: everything and made her feel guilty about it, then I
Speaker 1: think that would be toxic. But of course if you're like, hey, listen,
Speaker 1: I paid for lunch and breakfast, like come on, I
Speaker 1: will say that I think it's fair. I think the
Speaker 1: toxic component comes in knowing that I knew that dinner
Speaker 1: was going to be like slightly more expensive than both
Speaker 1: breakfasts and lunch combined, so I was like, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: come out on top out of this exchange. I might
Speaker 1: be having a change of heart. That might be a
Speaker 1: little toxic. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't shared that last little bit,
Speaker 1: but yeah, I like it all right. Number two of
Speaker 1: the six signs that you're in a toxic relationship dropping
Speaker 1: hints and other passive aggressive notions. So what does this mean?
Speaker 1: Instead of saying something outright and out loud, a partner
Speaker 1: tries to nudge the other in the right direction of
Speaker 1: figuring it out. Instead of saying what's actually upsetting you.
Speaker 1: You find small and petty ways to piss your partner off,
Speaker 1: so you'll then feel justified in complaining to them. So
Speaker 1: this is toxic because it shows that you two are
Speaker 1: not comfortable community kating openly and clearly. A person has
Speaker 1: no reason to be passive aggressive if they feel safe
Speaker 1: expressing anger or insecurity within a relationship. A person will
Speaker 1: never feel a need to drop quote hints if they
Speaker 1: feel like they won't be judged or criticized for honesty.
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm, how do you feel about that one? I mean,
Speaker 1: I agree that it's so hard because if you're a
Speaker 1: truthful in all situations, that could really backfire as well. So, like,
Speaker 1: there are things that like hints that you could drop
Speaker 1: that I don't necessarily think are toxic or passive aggressive.
Speaker 1: I think you're just trying to you know, tell your
Speaker 1: partner without telling them out right, like hey, I don't
Speaker 1: like this, or I do like this, Like for example,
Speaker 1: I know this might be not a good a good one,
Speaker 1: but like say your partners smokes, and like you know,
Speaker 1: they've smoked for a while, and you're like, well, I
Speaker 1: don't want to tell them that, like they can't smoke,
Speaker 1: but at the same time, I don't want them to smoke,
Speaker 1: so maybe they can pass hints of like, oh wow,
Speaker 1: it smells terrible in here, or you know, uh, like
Speaker 1: I don't know how to outsoe you drop hints of
Speaker 1: like getting someone to quit smoking, But I don't know.
Speaker 1: I guess I can see where Mark is what Mark
Speaker 1: is talking about here in terms of like you should
Speaker 1: just feel comfortable talking to your partner outwardly and honestly.
Speaker 1: But I also in some one of the mindset that
Speaker 1: like honestly all the time, I don't think it's the
Speaker 1: best medicine. Yeah, I agree. Uh, it's funny because you've
Speaker 1: read the last two and I'm like, well, crab, like
Speaker 1: I those kind of applied to certain aspects of my
Speaker 1: relationship too. Uh yeah, I mean, so I read this book.
Speaker 1: I read this book a while ago, a long long
Speaker 1: time ago. I haven't read a book in a long time,
Speaker 1: but I did read one once. It was called the
Speaker 1: Psychopath Test, and it was, like I probably talked about
Speaker 1: it on here before. It's like a twenty twenty pronged
Speaker 1: the litmus test that you can administer to like determine
Speaker 1: whether someone's a psychopath or not if they hit like
Speaker 1: a twelve out of twenty of the psychopath and you
Speaker 1: read all twenty of them, all twenty of the of
Speaker 1: the criteria, and you're like, well, at least I was like,
Speaker 1: and I would concider. I would probably say you'd probably
Speaker 1: the same thing. Most of us that read it would
Speaker 1: be like, fifteen out of twenty of these things apply
Speaker 1: to me, like I am a full blown psychopath. And
Speaker 1: then at the very end, after he gives all twenty,
Speaker 1: he goes and by the way, if you're deciding whether
Speaker 1: or not any of these apply to you, you're not
Speaker 1: a psychopath because the psychopath doesn't have the capacity to
Speaker 1: like criticize themselves appropriately. M Night Shamalan to you and
Speaker 1: just twist at the end. Right, So now I'm thinking,
Speaker 1: like this Tom guy is doing the same thing, Like
Speaker 1: he's saying like, the real toxic behavior comes from seeing
Speaker 1: these toxic traits and immediately be like, no, I don't
Speaker 1: have those that's not me. I don't have that toxic trait,
Speaker 1: because I think that really is what that differentiates someone
Speaker 1: that's horribly toxic and someone that maybe just has a
Speaker 1: little bit of like, you know, nuance to their relationship. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I agree with you. I think it's actually probably healthy
Speaker 1: for you, for you and for me to both admit
Speaker 1: that some of these toxic traits are prevalent in our relationships,
Speaker 1: all right. Number three Holding the relationship hostage? So what
Speaker 1: is this? When one person has a simple criticism or
Speaker 1: complaint and blackmails the other person by threatening the commitment
Speaker 1: of the relationship as a whole. For instance, if someone
Speaker 1: feels like you've been cold to them, instead of saying
Speaker 1: I feel like you're being cold, sometimes they will instead
Speaker 1: say I can't date someone who is cold to me
Speaker 1: all the time. This way, they're holding the relationship hostage,
Speaker 1: and this amounts to emotional blackmail and creates a ton
Speaker 1: of unnecessary drama. Even the smallest hiccup in the flow
Speaker 1: of the relationship results in a perceived commitment crisis. It's
Speaker 1: crucial for both people in a relationship to know that
Speaker 1: negative thoughts and feelings can be communicated safely without it
Speaker 1: threatening the entire future of the relationship. I mean, I
Speaker 1: couldn't agree with this more. I can't stand when people
Speaker 1: threaten you know, Um, it's like a kid threatening to
Speaker 1: kill themselves, you know what I mean. It's personal and
Speaker 1: nothing you should joke about. But too Like, I mean,
Speaker 1: how many times have you heard like an eight rolled
Speaker 1: like if you don't do this, I'm gonna kill myself
Speaker 1: and it's like or I'm gonna hold my breath till
Speaker 1: I die. And it's like that's what you sound like
Speaker 1: a toddler, you know, And anytime I hear an adult
Speaker 1: relationship and like, you know, if you do this, like
Speaker 1: I'm breaking up with you. If you do this, I'm
Speaker 1: divorcing you. And it's like, well, I'm doing it, then
Speaker 1: I'm calling your bluff. Yeah, it's nice to have one
Speaker 1: for That's the first one where I'm like, that's never
Speaker 1: happened in mind Calin's relationship either way, which is great,
Speaker 1: and I would probably bet it's never happened in your
Speaker 1: Ashy's relationship. But I've been in relationships where that has
Speaker 1: been a thing. I probably even said it a few
Speaker 1: times myself. Yeah, it's so bad. What a ridiculous thing
Speaker 1: to do like that's that's I feel like something you
Speaker 1: would do, like in your late teens early twenties, you know,
Speaker 1: like when you're just led by emotion at all times
Speaker 1: and you can't really think rationally all right. Number four
Speaker 1: blaming your partner for your own emotions. Let's say you're
Speaker 1: having a crappy day and your partner isn't exactly being
Speaker 1: super sympathetic or supportive about it. Maybe they've been on
Speaker 1: the phone all day with some people from work, or
Speaker 1: they got distracted when you hug them. You want to
Speaker 1: lie around at home together and just watch a movie tonight,
Speaker 1: but your partner has plans to go out and see friends.
Speaker 1: As your frustration with your day and your partner's reaction
Speaker 1: to it increases, you find yourself lashing out for being
Speaker 1: so insensitive and callous towards you. Sure you never asked
Speaker 1: for emotional support, You're but sure you never asked for
Speaker 1: emotional support. But your partners should just instinctually know to
Speaker 1: make you feel better. They should have gotten off the
Speaker 1: phone and ditch their plans based on your lousy day.
Speaker 1: Blaming our partners for our emotions is selfish. In a
Speaker 1: classic example of the poor maintenance of personal boundaries, when
Speaker 1: you said a precedent that your partner is responsible for
Speaker 1: how you feel at all times, this can easily lead
Speaker 1: to a codependent relationship. Everything, even down to reading a
Speaker 1: book or watching television, must be negotiated. When someone begins
Speaker 1: to get upset, all personal desires go out the window
Speaker 1: because now you have to make each other feel better.
Speaker 1: Uh yeah, I agree. Like I feel like way too
Speaker 1: many people predicate their happiness on their significant other, or
Speaker 1: if you're single, you put so much emphasis on your
Speaker 1: own happiness being predicated by finding love, which is something
Speaker 1: that I think people need to start moving away from
Speaker 1: because the only way you're ever gonna be happy is
Speaker 1: if you're happy with yourself. And as cliche is that sounds,
Speaker 1: it's so true. Um that I agree. If you're in
Speaker 1: a relationship, you can't just immediately assume that your partner
Speaker 1: knows your thoughts and knows how you feel, like you
Speaker 1: have to articulate those things. Like I I learned a
Speaker 1: lot from my dad because my dad is the most
Speaker 1: wonderful man I've ever met, But he also has a
Speaker 1: very difficult time being vulnerable and actually saying how he feels.
Speaker 1: So when he's like I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine,
Speaker 1: it's like, I know you're not fine. Just say how
Speaker 1: you feel, because then he gets agitated when we're not
Speaker 1: sympathetic towards him if he's had a really bad day
Speaker 1: and it's like the dad like, we can't read your thoughts.
Speaker 1: And he's gotten so much better with it, you know,
Speaker 1: throughout age. But I think, you know, because it's like
Speaker 1: such a guy thing, right, You're not supposed to talk
Speaker 1: about your feelings, and we're starting to move away from that,
Speaker 1: which is great, but I like a lot of people
Speaker 1: do this, and we just you know, people need to
Speaker 1: just take responsibility for their own happiness. Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 1: I think, uh, I think a lot of people that
Speaker 1: aren't happy when they're single, imagine getting into a relationship
Speaker 1: and everything being cured immediately. And then they get into
Speaker 1: that relationship and thanks don't go as they planned it too,
Speaker 1: and so that's why they're unhappy again. And then they
Speaker 1: get out that relationship and they just do that over
Speaker 1: and over again, because like you said, not happy with yourself,
Speaker 1: you're not gonna be happy in the relationship. Um, so
Speaker 1: that's fair. There is a yeah, there's there. There have
Speaker 1: been some moments where like I'll be upset about something.
Speaker 1: I always try to pull it back onto me, So, oh, totally,
Speaker 1: there's a there's a couple of moments where like, let's say,
Speaker 1: like some exterior thing has me really upset, and I'll
Speaker 1: come back and I'll be like distant or cold or
Speaker 1: something and Caalen two sometimes, but we've always done a
Speaker 1: really good job of being like this is misdirected anger
Speaker 1: or the frustration or Kalen's up. Mostly the time she
Speaker 1: get snappy is when she's hungry, so she's like, I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: I'm just really hungry. Now let's go get food, and
Speaker 1: then she gets angry everything dude, hanger. I never realized
Speaker 1: how much of a thing it was until I started
Speaker 1: dating Klin. It's like, this is the most ridiculous not ridiculous,
Speaker 1: because it's very it's very real. She is hypoglycemic, so
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that's ridiculous, but it is funny to
Speaker 1: see how quickly her personality can shift once she's eaten,
Speaker 1: because then she loses the you know, the sass and
Speaker 1: just kind of calms back down. Yeah, food selves, everything. Yeah,
Speaker 1: especially with a pregnant wife, I can imagine she needs
Speaker 1: she has a regiment every two hours, she needs he
Speaker 1: and not only will she get angry if she's not,
Speaker 1: but she's just she will throw up, which is not good.
Speaker 1: All right, last two, Uh, so we'll get them pretty quickly.
Speaker 1: Number five displays of quote loving jealousy. Getting piste off
Speaker 1: when your partner talks, touches, calls, text, hangs out, or
Speaker 1: sneezes in the general vicinity of another person, and then
Speaker 1: proceeding to take that anger out on your partner and
Speaker 1: attempt to control their behavior. That's what this loving jealousy
Speaker 1: is all about, and can often leave to uh and
Speaker 1: can often lead to insane behaviors, such as hacking into
Speaker 1: your partner's email account, looking through their text messages while
Speaker 1: they're in the shower, or even following them around town
Speaker 1: and showing up unannounced. Hashtag creepy. He says, it's surprising
Speaker 1: me that some people describe this as some sort of
Speaker 1: display of affection that if their partner isn't jealous, that
Speaker 1: somehow this means that they don't love them enough. He says,
Speaker 1: this is absolute for Verbatim, clown shit crazy. Rather than
Speaker 1: being love enough, it's actually just controlling and manipulative, and
Speaker 1: by transmitting a message of a lack of trust and
Speaker 1: the other person who creates unnecessary drama and disc discord.
Speaker 1: Worst of all, it's the meaning if my partner cannot
Speaker 1: trust me to be around other attractive women by myself,
Speaker 1: then it applies that she believes that I'm either a
Speaker 1: liar or be incapable of controlling my impulses in either caith.
Speaker 1: In either case, that's a woman I do not want
Speaker 1: to be with. M Interesting, that's fair. I I used
Speaker 1: to be jealous in relationships, and I always think that
Speaker 1: the reason I ever was jealous was because I was
Speaker 1: kind of being a shady boyfriend, right, like okay, fair point.
Speaker 1: Like I was like I would flirt with other girls
Speaker 1: and then so I thought that my girlfriend would be
Speaker 1: doing the same thing. And it's always, in my opinion,
Speaker 1: jealousy is always like a reflection of how you see
Speaker 1: yourself in a relationship. So maybe that's why I was
Speaker 1: super jealous. Like now with Kaylin, I don't get jealous
Speaker 1: because I mean, I mean a, A, I trust her obviously,
Speaker 1: and B I don't think that either of us are
Speaker 1: doing anything shady white. I would hope not, at least
Speaker 1: behind each other's back. Um, it's funny. I got a
Speaker 1: d M. Yeah, you know, you obviously get many random
Speaker 1: d m s throughout the day. This person d M
Speaker 1: me the other day after Miami, or after Kaylin got
Speaker 1: back from Miami, and she was like, some guy was
Speaker 1: super into Kaylin the entire trip while they were in Miami,
Speaker 1: and then even Kaylin got back and she goes, yeah,
Speaker 1: this guy of like shooting me, looks like he was
Speaker 1: like really into me, and she kept making it very
Speaker 1: clear that she was taken blah blah blah. And I
Speaker 1: feel like the old me would have been like kind
Speaker 1: of really put off by it, and I'm kind of upset.
Speaker 1: But now I just like laugh at it because it's like, well,
Speaker 1: I mean, it's not like it's really gonna lead to anything,
Speaker 1: you know. Yeah, just means you trust Kalin. That's great.
Speaker 1: So were you jealous at all where you're like, hey,
Speaker 1: now I want to find that guy and punch him
Speaker 1: in the face. No, I mean I know the guy,
Speaker 1: he's a he's a guy that has been on TV before. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but no, I don't feel whatsoever scandalous. What television show
Speaker 1: was he on? Well, that's just the debt giveaway if
Speaker 1: I say that. But what about you? Are you? Oh? Now,
Speaker 1: I'm very invested in this story. I'm gonna ask you
Speaker 1: after the podcast who this human being was. I kept
Speaker 1: shooting Calin looks because if he's especially if he's in
Speaker 1: the reality TV world, he knows that Kalin and you
Speaker 1: were together, so he's being a shady character. Let's just
Speaker 1: say he was on a TV show where the expectation
Speaker 1: is to be a sline ball. Okay, interesting, Okay, good
Speaker 1: to know. Anyway, I get jealous a little bit. Ashley
Speaker 1: actually likes when I get jealous. But again, I'd like
Speaker 1: to think it's a healthy amount of jealousy. Uh. It's
Speaker 1: always just like any time a guy, you know, especially
Speaker 1: when we first started dating, guys would still flirt with
Speaker 1: Ashley and it's like f off bro um. So I'm
Speaker 1: certainly not as jealous anymore, because you know, as more
Speaker 1: time comes on and goes on with the relationship, you
Speaker 1: just get more and more not even just trustworthy, but comfortable,
Speaker 1: and it's like you're you're not gonna do anything. I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna do anything like, We're fine, all right? Last one,
Speaker 1: last one, last toxic trait that some people find uh normal.
Speaker 1: Number six buying the solutions to relationship problems interesting. So
Speaker 1: whenever a major conflict or issue comes up in a relationship,
Speaker 1: instead of solving it, you cover it up with the
Speaker 1: excitement and good feelings that come with buying something nice
Speaker 1: or going on a trip somewhere interesting. My parents were
Speaker 1: experts at this one, and it got uh, and it
Speaker 1: got them real far, a big fat divorce in fifteen
Speaker 1: years of hardly speaking to each other. Wow. Uh. They
Speaker 1: have both since independently told me that this was the
Speaker 1: primary problem in their marriage, continuously covering up their real
Speaker 1: issues with superficial pleasures. This is toxic. Not only does
Speaker 1: buying stuff brush the problem under the rug where it
Speaker 1: always re emerges it even worse than next time, but
Speaker 1: it sets an unhealthy precedent within the relationship. This is
Speaker 1: not a gender specific problem, but I will use the
Speaker 1: quote traditional gendered situation as an example. Let's imagine that
Speaker 1: whenever a woman gets angry at her boyfriend or husband,
Speaker 1: the man solves the issue by buying a woman a
Speaker 1: gift or taking her to a fancy restaurant. Not only
Speaker 1: does this give the woman unconscious incentive to find more
Speaker 1: reasons to be upset with the man because he buys
Speaker 1: her stuff, but it also gives the man absolutely no
Speaker 1: incentive to actually be accountable for the problems in the relationship.
Speaker 1: What's the result of all of this, a checked out
Speaker 1: husband who feels like an a t M and an
Speaker 1: increasingly bitter woman who feels unheard. What do you think, Um, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that sounds about right. I'm surprised, well, and I'm not surprised.
Speaker 1: I think there's multiple levels to that. I think a
Speaker 1: lot of couples. Some of my really good friends actually
Speaker 1: kind of do this sometimes too. Is instead of like
Speaker 1: they'll fight and they won't fix anything or do anything differently,
Speaker 1: but they'll just like go have like really passionate fighting
Speaker 1: sex essentially, and the next day everything is totally fine.
Speaker 1: And I think that's like the same thing, right, yeah, exactly,
Speaker 1: And it's just like okay, well, it's like you're basically
Speaker 1: using sex as a tool to not have to talk
Speaker 1: about your issues and then like, what's going to happen
Speaker 1: in the year five years in years when these things
Speaker 1: continue to fester, you know. In this guy's case, it
Speaker 1: says it led his parents to getting divorced and never
Speaker 1: talking to each other anymore. So I think there's definitely
Speaker 1: like a lot of different ways that you could you
Speaker 1: could do this, um, but I try. I don't know. Yeah,
Speaker 1: obviously it's not a good thing. What do you think? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I agree. I think it just covers it up, you know,
Speaker 1: And people do this in in all different types of
Speaker 1: way in relationships. I was just talking to a friend
Speaker 1: of mine who's going through a breakup, and she was
Speaker 1: telling me all these different issues that they had together,
Speaker 1: and it was all like very surface level things with
Speaker 1: like oh this one time and he was supposed to
Speaker 1: get that, didn't get it, and then he was like
Speaker 1: we got into a huge fight over and blah blah blah.
Speaker 1: And she was telling me multiple occasions where this happened,
Speaker 1: and I kept thinking, like, I don't think it's about that.
Speaker 1: I don't think it's about him getting you something or
Speaker 1: not getting you something, or said he would be there
Speaker 1: and he wasn't there. I think what really comes down
Speaker 1: to is that you guys have some really underlying issues
Speaker 1: and you're and and and like, so like the littlest
Speaker 1: things are triggering you because you guys really need to
Speaker 1: start talking about some more um you know, uh, deep
Speaker 1: issues within the relationship rather than the surface level things
Speaker 1: of like oh, he's always late, or he said he
Speaker 1: was gonna buy this and then he came home and
Speaker 1: didn't get it, and I was like, I told you
Speaker 1: to get that, and he was like, oh, I thought
Speaker 1: that you said I shouldn't get it, and then it
Speaker 1: turns into this huge fight. And so I think conversely,
Speaker 1: it's very similar here where you know, it's you know,
Speaker 1: it's it's an easy way. You know, you have an
Speaker 1: issue in a relationship, and then the guy's like, oh,
Speaker 1: I bought you flowers and everything is fixed, and she's like, oh, okay,
Speaker 1: you know. And then the same issue though, keeps happening
Speaker 1: over and over and over again, and he just keeps
Speaker 1: buying you flowers over and over and over again without
Speaker 1: actually solving the issue. And I totally agree. I think
Speaker 1: you have to get at the core of it. And
Speaker 1: like a lot of times Ashley will do that to me.
Speaker 1: I was gonna say, let's say you actually are in
Speaker 1: a fight, what's your what's your conflict resolution style well
Speaker 1: similarly is especially early on in the relationship, Like you know,
Speaker 1: I'd be like you know a lot of guys that
Speaker 1: I know, which is like I'm fine, I'm fine, I
Speaker 1: don't want to talk about it. I don't want to
Speaker 1: talk about it. And Ashley would really pry, rightfully so
Speaker 1: and be like, listen, I know something's wrong. Tell me
Speaker 1: what's wrong. Let's get at the core of this. And
Speaker 1: she's Ashley is such a good communicator, mainly because she's
Speaker 1: just the most transparent person I've ever met, as you
Speaker 1: well know, like that Ashley just like whatever's on her mind,
Speaker 1: she's gonna say it, you know, and it's her it's
Speaker 1: her best trait. Um So, she was really good at it.
Speaker 1: And now because of those times where she was prying
Speaker 1: and saying what's wrong, what's wrong, what's wrong, I'd rather
Speaker 1: tell me. I'd rather have you tell me what's wrong
Speaker 1: than to keep it inside. Um So, now we have
Speaker 1: a really good, healthy communication style where I'm able to say, like, listen,
Speaker 1: this is what's bothering me, and she she's had no
Speaker 1: issues ever telling me what's bothering her. She will always
Speaker 1: tell me when I'm screwing up, and I think that's
Speaker 1: very healthy. Um, what about the flip side of that,
Speaker 1: What do you mean if like something's bothering me? Yeah,
Speaker 1: oh dude, Like I said, like, I'll still I'll say it.
Speaker 1: I'll try to present I'll present it in the nicest
Speaker 1: way possible, so I don't angry, you know, I don't
Speaker 1: anger the beast um because it's so funny because you know,
Speaker 1: we're human beings and we're insecure and we're emotional. So like,
Speaker 1: even though a lot of times actually be like tell
Speaker 1: me what's wrong, tell me what's wrong, I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you. And then I tell her and
Speaker 1: she's like and then she'll start crying and she's like,
Speaker 1: this like an issue in our relationship. I'm like, no,
Speaker 1: it's not a huge issue, but you wanted me to
Speaker 1: talk about it, and like you're fine, We're fine, It's
Speaker 1: gonna be okay. So it's like there's a part of
Speaker 1: me that's in my brain like should I have said anything.
Speaker 1: I think it's healthier that I did. But at the
Speaker 1: same time, now she's super upset and I feel like
Speaker 1: a piece of ship, and so it's it's it's a balance,
Speaker 1: like we were talking about earlier in the podcast. I
Speaker 1: think you need that balance of honesty with also with
Speaker 1: also compassion. I agree, really great stuff. Thanks for thanks
Speaker 1: for bringing that onto the podcast. Day. I will say
Speaker 1: to that book, don't the subtle art I'm not giving
Speaker 1: uh f is it's funny. It's a popular book. A
Speaker 1: lot of people read it and uh maybe they always
Speaker 1: just instagram story that they're reading it. It's a good book.
Speaker 1: It's like you can read it in like less than
Speaker 1: a day, probably worth your time. It's interesting enough to
Speaker 1: at least just give it a read to check it
Speaker 1: out to you if you're interested in hearing more from
Speaker 1: Tom what's his last name, Oh no, Mark Mark Manson?
Speaker 1: Mark Manson, that's right, So if you wanna listen or
Speaker 1: read more from him, go check that book out. Anyways,
Speaker 1: we're gonna take a quick break. We're gonna get to
Speaker 1: some emails. I've got a flight to catch in about
Speaker 1: twenty minutes, so we're gonna be quick with it, hopefully
Speaker 1: at least the second flight of the day. That's exactly right.
Speaker 1: Let's make sure that doesn't happen. We're gonna take one
Speaker 1: very quick break, but we'll be right back. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the quickest email segment of help. I suck at
Speaker 1: dating history? Well probably not, but we'll see what we
Speaker 1: can do. We've got a couple of emails for you today.
Speaker 1: We've got no Mark, no Easton, but we've got something
Speaker 1: even better. We got a Riley and a Hana waiting
Speaker 1: in the wings to read these emails for us, if
Speaker 1: they're up for it. If not, Jared and I know
Speaker 1: how to read, I think, but nope, Riley is going
Speaker 1: to tune in. Sweet. All right, let's get to the
Speaker 1: first man. What do we got? It's our lucky day, baby.
Speaker 1: We have the wonderful Isabella writing into us. And Isabella says,
Speaker 1: one of my best friends is hooking up with the
Speaker 1: guy that I'm in love with. Earlier this week, she
Speaker 1: showed me their text messages and asked me for advice
Speaker 1: about something. I gave her advice and acted like it
Speaker 1: didn't bother me, But it was eating me up inside
Speaker 1: and I feel like I'm going to explode. Please help?
Speaker 1: What do I do? Do I tell her how I feel?
Speaker 1: Or just stay quiet? This is straight out of a
Speaker 1: wrong com right here. The best friend is secretly in
Speaker 1: love with her best friend's boyfriend. Uh, I don't know,
Speaker 1: there's a lot of fish in the sea. I'd move on. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I also would just move on. If it's meant to be,
Speaker 1: it'll be. Don't force anything, don't ruin your friendship over it.
Speaker 1: Just be the supportive friend. Let it run. Let it runs.
Speaker 1: Course they're gonna break up and then I guess maybe
Speaker 1: shoot your shot. I don't know. It's kind of seems
Speaker 1: like more of like a girl advice thing. I feel
Speaker 1: like Riley and Hanna are probably better suited to give
Speaker 1: some advice on this one. That's that's kind of heartbreaking.
Speaker 1: I mean to hold that inside, I'd see why she's
Speaker 1: going to explode, and that's hard to let go. And
Speaker 1: I want to know if did she like him first,
Speaker 1: because that kind of like that friend's kind of terrible.
Speaker 1: I don't disagree that. I don't disagree with that. But
Speaker 1: also it's like whether she likes him first or not,
Speaker 1: the fact of the matter is the friend is with
Speaker 1: her at this point, so it's like, what does she
Speaker 1: gotta do? Now that's true, you know, yeah, I mean,
Speaker 1: and also like, I mean, what kind of guy is this?
Speaker 1: I mean, who knows he might be the greatest guy
Speaker 1: in the world, but he's also hooking up, like they're
Speaker 1: just hooking up, and then apparently she needs advice because
Speaker 1: there's some text messages back and forth. I don't know
Speaker 1: if I think that's tough because it's your best friend.
Speaker 1: So the problem is she's gonna keep asking for advice
Speaker 1: if you don't say something, Man, that sucks. I don't
Speaker 1: say anything over it. No, what do you think she
Speaker 1: needs to speak up? Riley? If it's your best friend.
Speaker 1: If it was my best friend, I'd be like, hey,
Speaker 1: like just to let you know, like I'm actually really
Speaker 1: into this guy too. Like I would tell my friend,
Speaker 1: if that's my best friend, your best friend, what type
Speaker 1: of advice the best friends asking for? Like I wonder
Speaker 1: if the best friend of Isabella wants to be with
Speaker 1: this guy, because that sucks because then it's Isabella is
Speaker 1: living vicariously through her best friend, you know, while she's
Speaker 1: trying to get with the guy that she loves. I
Speaker 1: think that you should probably say something because your best friend,
Speaker 1: Isabella is going to keep asking you for advice, and
Speaker 1: it's gonna be like her twisting the knife every time
Speaker 1: she does. It's gonna really suck for you, and you
Speaker 1: could just be honest and be like, listen, I kind
Speaker 1: of like this guy. I'm not going to pursue him,
Speaker 1: you know. I think you guys are great together. I
Speaker 1: want you to go after him, But I just I
Speaker 1: can't help you with this situation. I need to detach
Speaker 1: myself because it's like a little knife, a little knife
Speaker 1: that you keep twisting in my back. I will say, Isabella,
Speaker 1: right now, it doesn't have the guy she wants, and
Speaker 1: if she also does not want to have the best
Speaker 1: friend anymore, that she should follow that advice and say something.
Speaker 1: She wants to keep her best friend point and also
Speaker 1: not have that guy in your life. Just don't say anything.
Speaker 1: Who cares? Just let her just I just I wouldn't
Speaker 1: say anything. I would just let it fester. But definitely
Speaker 1: takes that risk if she does say something, because what
Speaker 1: if the best friend reacts really poorly to it. Tough situation.
Speaker 1: I don't envy it. Yeah, all right, Next one who
Speaker 1: every wants to read it? I'll read it. Our next
Speaker 1: question is from Marley. She says everyone always asks if
Speaker 1: it's okay or not to be friends with the next
Speaker 1: my question is is it weird to be best friends
Speaker 1: with your partners ex partner. I've been dating my boyfriend
Speaker 1: for six months and his ex girlfriend is part of
Speaker 1: the friend group, so I started conversing with her and
Speaker 1: honestly love her. My boyfriend thinks it's the weirdest thing,
Speaker 1: says it makes him feel uncomfortable. But I'm totally fine
Speaker 1: with it. I'm secure in our relationship. And he just
Speaker 1: doesn't get it. He says he would be respectful, but
Speaker 1: could never actually be friends with the guy I dated
Speaker 1: or even hooked up with. Is he being crazy? Should
Speaker 1: I be? Should I not be friends with her because
Speaker 1: it makes him feel weird? And is this a guy thing?
Speaker 1: I'm confuctused. There's no confusion. You should not be friends
Speaker 1: with your boyfriend's ex girlfriend because Marley, what's gonna happen
Speaker 1: is one night you and your boyfriend are going to
Speaker 1: get into a little fight. You're gonna be talking to
Speaker 1: one of your best friends who also used to date
Speaker 1: your boyfriend, and then you guys are gonna go down
Speaker 1: this rabbit hole of everything that he does wrong, and
Speaker 1: she's gonna be like he sucks, and then you're like, yeah,
Speaker 1: he does suck, and then it's just gonna be like
Speaker 1: seven hours of you bashing the boyfriend and when you
Speaker 1: call him at three o'clock in the morning and said,
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm done with you. I'm over it.
Speaker 1: And then you guys are gonna break up and you're
Speaker 1: gonna go to regret it in two days, and then
Speaker 1: it's just gonna become a cluster. Just I think this
Speaker 1: is I don't blame him for feeling uncomfortable. Dude. If
Speaker 1: Ashley was like best friends with my ex, I would
Speaker 1: feel so uncomfortable with it. I'd be like, swere she
Speaker 1: hates me? I agree. I think yeah, Jaredy nailed down
Speaker 1: the head. Remember that. Remember those guests we had a few,
Speaker 1: like maybe a month ago that we're on that TV show. Uh,
Speaker 1: they're divorce, is they're dating each other, and then they
Speaker 1: they're also like neighbors. Remember those guys. Yeah, yeah, I
Speaker 1: can't remember the name of the show, but those that
Speaker 1: interview as lovely people as they were seemed incredibly tense.
Speaker 1: And I agree with you. I think like all it
Speaker 1: takes is one bad night, one venting session to really
Speaker 1: snowball this thing in the in the direction you don't
Speaker 1: want it to go. And even beyond that, it's just like,
Speaker 1: if it makes him uncomfortable, you mean you, me and
Speaker 1: my ex was the name of the show. If it
Speaker 1: makes your boyfriend uncomfortable, like that should be enough to
Speaker 1: distance yourself from the friendship. Like who do you care
Speaker 1: more about now, the boyfriend or the friend? And if
Speaker 1: your your answer should be your boyfriend. If it's not,
Speaker 1: then you should not be dating that guy. But if
Speaker 1: it is, then you should distance yourself from the from
Speaker 1: the friend because your boyfriend's uncomfortable. Like that's that's kind
Speaker 1: of a no brainer. That's kind of like a layup.
Speaker 1: In my opinion, there's not really I want to I
Speaker 1: want to ask Marley. I want to ask more of
Speaker 1: this question. If the roles were versed and your boyfriend
Speaker 1: was best friends with one of your ex boyfriends, Marley,
Speaker 1: how would it make you feel? Probably not too good
Speaker 1: because you know that within any relationship there's baggage, there
Speaker 1: was things that happened. It's probably best just cut the
Speaker 1: cord and move on. So I would suggest the same
Speaker 1: thing with this best friend, Like it's it's someone that's
Speaker 1: sure you guys get along. It's great, You'll find somebody
Speaker 1: else that you get along with, because right now it
Speaker 1: feels like you're choosing this friend over your boyfriend. That's
Speaker 1: how it feels to me. What do you girls think?
Speaker 1: I think it's strange, Like I would hate that if
Speaker 1: my current boyfriend, I mean, this is my first boyfriend,
Speaker 1: but if my boyfriend was best friends that the guy
Speaker 1: was hooking up with in high school, it would just
Speaker 1: freak me out, Like I would hate that. Yeah, I agree,
Speaker 1: that'd be weird. Raley, what about you? I definitely think
Speaker 1: it's weird, Like what are they talking about? What are
Speaker 1: they saying? What memories are they you know, trading back
Speaker 1: and forth. It's just like it's like anxiety. I don't
Speaker 1: want that. Yeah, just get it out for the reason
Speaker 1: they're in the past, right, that's a toxic trape. All right,
Speaker 1: Well I think that's uh, that's all she needs because
Speaker 1: it sounds like it's a resounding stop being friends with
Speaker 1: that person. Um, that's gonna do it. I gotta flight
Speaker 1: to go catch. So thank you guys for tuning in
Speaker 1: to this week's episode of Help I Suck at Dating.
Speaker 1: Thank you to Jared of course for just bearing all.
Speaker 1: And and you know what, Jared, thank you for being
Speaker 1: prepared for this podcast, because without you who the heck
Speaker 1: knows what we would talk about all day long without
Speaker 1: you rambling on for hours on end about Ben Affleck's
Speaker 1: acting career, all the Razzies he won when he, you know,
Speaker 1: was acting early on What would we what would we
Speaker 1: talk about? Mostly Pearl Harbor. I don't know if I
Speaker 1: just want to say a big thank you to Jennifer
Speaker 1: Lopez and Ben Affleck for just creating a couple that
Speaker 1: I'm so invested in love with and I hope that
Speaker 1: they never break up, honestly. So we have a contact
Speaker 1: with Duncan Donuts. I was on them. I was like,
Speaker 1: you guys need to do something because like remember that
Speaker 1: picture that went viral a few months ago with Ben
Speaker 1: like holding the Dunkin Donuts outside of his place and
Speaker 1: it was all like falling down. Remember this picture at all?
Speaker 1: He had like six iced coffees in his hands, and
Speaker 1: he just like looked distress. He looked like that dad
Speaker 1: on a Saturday morning who's just trying to like carry
Speaker 1: all the coffees for his family. It's a great photo.
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh my god, they please, Like
Speaker 1: Duncan needs to do something anyway. I just love the
Speaker 1: fact that like this duncan Boston guy who's like a
Speaker 1: former alcoholic whost you know, skeletons in his closet, is
Speaker 1: now dating like just like the most perfect, sexy, incredible
Speaker 1: woman on earth. It's like, I mean, I'm gonna taken, man.
Speaker 1: It's it's kind of like me, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: Here I am this patchy, facially here kid from Rhode Island.
Speaker 1: I was working restaurants all my life. I swear I
Speaker 1: love playing softball, I love being the Northeast. I'm a
Speaker 1: brady guy. And here I am dating the most beautiful
Speaker 1: woman on the face of this earth, someone who's like
Speaker 1: a little bit more Kardashian. You know, she likes her
Speaker 1: girl stuff, romantic comedy. She's a beautiful, stunning, impressive business
Speaker 1: professional woman. You know, I hit it out of the
Speaker 1: ballpark with that one. I'm dating outside my league is Ben.
Speaker 1: It's just so easy. All we have to do is
Speaker 1: let me say the words Ben Athleck, and you just
Speaker 1: go off. You go into autopilot mode and you can
Speaker 1: just go and go and go. And I just want
Speaker 1: to say thank you so much for being that person. Jared. Hey,
Speaker 1: anytime flight, don't miss your second flight of the day. Yeah,
Speaker 1: thank you. I won't. I just ordered my Ubert's thirteen
Speaker 1: minutes away. Not a great sign anyways. Riley and Hanna,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for a sound engineering, producing, reading
Speaker 1: our emails, sharing your stories, everything and anything that you
Speaker 1: guys have done for us. Thank you very much for that.
Speaker 1: Um that's gonna do it for this week's episode, so
Speaker 1: be sure to tune in next week, where maybe we
Speaker 1: will suck just a little bit less. Follow hell by
Speaker 1: Suck at Dating on I Heart Radio or wherever you
Speaker 1: listen to podcast