1 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,240 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:16,840 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:22,280 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. 5 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:26,560 Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 6 00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:30,280 Speaker 2: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in 7 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:32,519 Speaker 2: the world, it is so great to have you here 8 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,680 Speaker 2: back for another episode as we, of course break down 9 00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:39,520 Speaker 2: the Psychology of your twenties. Have you ever looked at 10 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:42,600 Speaker 2: your life, or maybe the life of other people around you, 11 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:45,920 Speaker 2: and thought, is it always going to be this busy? 12 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:50,239 Speaker 2: Is it always going to be this chaotic? Do we 13 00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:53,320 Speaker 2: ever get a break? Or is it just this constant 14 00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:56,920 Speaker 2: drum in the back of your head of drama, of 15 00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:00,280 Speaker 2: overwhelm of things to do. You're always on the go, 16 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:05,320 Speaker 2: You're always reacting, always just a little bit on. Maybe, 17 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:08,560 Speaker 2: just maybe there is also a part of you that 18 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:13,160 Speaker 2: thrives on it, that feels most alive. Shall we say, 19 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:16,440 Speaker 2: when the stakes are really really high, when the deadline 20 00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:19,759 Speaker 2: is tomorrow, when the relationship is on the brink. I 21 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:23,360 Speaker 2: know I've definitely had those moments. What we're talking about 22 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:27,039 Speaker 2: today is chaos. The nature of chaos, the kind that 23 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:31,520 Speaker 2: isn't accidental, but sometimes almost invited, the kind that makes 24 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,880 Speaker 2: you wonder, am I addicted to this? Am I the 25 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:38,640 Speaker 2: problem is the reason or my friendships have failed, the 26 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:43,039 Speaker 2: jobs didn't work out. I feel behind, I feel on edge? 27 00:01:43,319 --> 00:01:46,840 Speaker 2: Is that maybe my tolerance for chaos and the fact 28 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:49,600 Speaker 2: that I always feel like I need to crash out 29 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:53,400 Speaker 2: or explode my life for it to be entertaining. Now, 30 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:55,680 Speaker 2: I don't mean when I say this that we are 31 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:58,880 Speaker 2: all out here actively trying to sabotage our lives and 32 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:02,560 Speaker 2: cause drama. Most of us are, I think, consciously striving 33 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:07,680 Speaker 2: for peace and stability. But if we're honest, sometimes unconsciously 34 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:13,000 Speaker 2: we do our best in the state of urgency, that 35 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:19,280 Speaker 2: hum of drama, that staticness feels normal, even exhilarating. How 36 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:22,600 Speaker 2: do we break that habit? How do we break the 37 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:26,160 Speaker 2: curse of feeling addicted to chaos and feel comfortable in 38 00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:29,560 Speaker 2: stillness and comfortable in peace? This is something that I've 39 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:32,320 Speaker 2: been thinking about a lot, especially after receiving a few 40 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:36,480 Speaker 2: messages from you all who basically shared the same sentiment. 41 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:39,560 Speaker 2: How can I tell if I'm the problem? How can 42 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:43,440 Speaker 2: I break out of this pattern? So today we are 43 00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:47,760 Speaker 2: diving headfirst into the question are we addicted to chaos? 44 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:51,760 Speaker 2: We are going to investigate why we might inadvertently be 45 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:56,200 Speaker 2: drawn to situations that are fraught with tension and that 46 00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:59,120 Speaker 2: have a sense of urgency. We're going to look at 47 00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:01,639 Speaker 2: how this plays out and our relationships, why we may 48 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:06,680 Speaker 2: crave excitement and anxiety over safety in our romantic relationships, 49 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:10,440 Speaker 2: our personal lives, our careers. And we're going to get 50 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:14,720 Speaker 2: into the often hidden, deeper reasons why we might cling 51 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:19,040 Speaker 2: to this tumultuous state or might unconsciously sabotage our efforts 52 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:22,360 Speaker 2: for peace, and crucially, what do we do about it? 53 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:24,640 Speaker 2: What are the small mental shifts that we need to 54 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:30,680 Speaker 2: take to embrace stillness, to embrace the discomfort of standing 55 00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:34,720 Speaker 2: still without feeling like our lives aren't moving in the 56 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:38,400 Speaker 2: correct direction, and so much more so without further ado, 57 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:42,000 Speaker 2: Let's explore whether, deep down we are addicted to chaos 58 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:49,640 Speaker 2: and what to do about it. Okay, let's cut straight 59 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:54,440 Speaker 2: to the chase. Why does chaos, or rather the resolution 60 00:03:54,720 --> 00:04:00,400 Speaker 2: of chaos sometimes feel so frickin' good? What's really happened here? 61 00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:03,800 Speaker 2: As a bit of a neurochemical rollercoaster that in subtle 62 00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:06,960 Speaker 2: ways makes us addicted to urgency, not because of how 63 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,600 Speaker 2: good it feels in the moment, but because of how 64 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:13,560 Speaker 2: good we feel afterwards. When you're facing a crisis such 65 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:18,200 Speaker 2: as a looming deadline, or relationship argument, or an unexpected problem, 66 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:21,840 Speaker 2: your body kicks into high gear. This is your sympathetic 67 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:26,279 Speaker 2: nervous system taking over, initiating the very famous fight or 68 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:29,880 Speaker 2: flight response. As a response to that, your brain is 69 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:32,719 Speaker 2: going to release adrenaline, it's going to release cortisol, the 70 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:37,400 Speaker 2: primary stress hormones. Your heart rate goes up, your senses sharpened, 71 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:40,360 Speaker 2: you have this burst of energy. This is obviously used 72 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:43,680 Speaker 2: as a primal survival mechanism. It's meant to be designed well. 73 00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:46,760 Speaker 2: It is designed to help us quickly react to danger. 74 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:50,360 Speaker 2: But here's the kicker. When you resolve that crisis, when 75 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:53,120 Speaker 2: you escape the danger, when you survive, when you meet 76 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:56,119 Speaker 2: the deadline, when you clear your inbox, there's a drop 77 00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:59,240 Speaker 2: in those stress hormones, and often as a response, your 78 00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:03,479 Speaker 2: brain releases dopamine, it releases damnt, and that feeling of 79 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:07,240 Speaker 2: relief is what we're actually after, is what we actually crave. 80 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:11,800 Speaker 2: Your brain, being the incredibly efficient learning machine that it is, 81 00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:17,400 Speaker 2: actually starts to associate this crisis resolution dopamine hit cycle 82 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:22,920 Speaker 2: with reward rather than with the stress and the anxiety 83 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:26,719 Speaker 2: and the panic that came before. So the chaos itself 84 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:30,560 Speaker 2: is uncomfortable, but the payoff of getting through it is 85 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:33,880 Speaker 2: so rewarding that that's actually the thing we start to chase. 86 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:38,240 Speaker 2: If it feels counterintuitive, it really is. It's not just 87 00:05:38,279 --> 00:05:41,120 Speaker 2: that we want stress. We get used to the reward. 88 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:46,600 Speaker 2: The same way that people love scary movies, love endurance sports, 89 00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:48,920 Speaker 2: all those kinds of things. They've reason they love them 90 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:53,680 Speaker 2: is because of the secondary emotion and the secondary reaction 91 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:57,320 Speaker 2: that comes with living through them. This can be explained 92 00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:01,440 Speaker 2: by principles of operant conditioning, where a behavior so engaging 93 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:05,719 Speaker 2: with or creating chaos is reinforced by a positive outcome, 94 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:09,599 Speaker 2: the dopamine rush of resolution, so that we continue to 95 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:12,279 Speaker 2: engage in it to get the reward. Of course, in 96 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:15,280 Speaker 2: this situation, some of the wires have kind of been 97 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:20,880 Speaker 2: cross but regardless, this underlying dopinogenic principle is why this 98 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:25,240 Speaker 2: practice and these patterns of behavior do feel so addictive. 99 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:29,240 Speaker 2: Beyond the pure neurochemistry, there is also, of course, a 100 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:35,040 Speaker 2: psychological draw to novelty, and intensity. Our brains are wired, 101 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:40,839 Speaker 2: hardwired to pay attention to new, surprising, intense stimuli. In fact, 102 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:44,000 Speaker 2: one of my favorite studies ever conducted actually found that 103 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:48,240 Speaker 2: having more novel and new experiences actually creates the illusion 104 00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:51,480 Speaker 2: of more time in our days and therefore our lives. 105 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:55,920 Speaker 2: So our brain is really looking for that newness. Calm, consistent, 106 00:06:55,960 --> 00:07:00,159 Speaker 2: predictable routines. Whilst they're healthy, they don't necessarily provide the 107 00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:04,599 Speaker 2: same kind of immediate sensory and emotional stimulation or sense 108 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:10,160 Speaker 2: of expansiveness compared to this constant flux and unpredictability. And 109 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,240 Speaker 2: this is the deeper problem, is that we start to 110 00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:16,400 Speaker 2: equate chaos to the sense of being alive and truly 111 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:20,800 Speaker 2: experiencing things. It's the opposite of boredom, and for many 112 00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:23,640 Speaker 2: of us, especially in our twenties, where we are constantly 113 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:27,480 Speaker 2: seeking out new experiences, we are pushing boundaries. We don't 114 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:30,440 Speaker 2: want to miss out on anything critical and fun and exciting. 115 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:36,680 Speaker 2: Avoiding boredom avoiding plainness can be a powerful motivator. Research 116 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:39,880 Speaker 2: on sensation seeking, which is this trait where we really 117 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:43,400 Speaker 2: seek out newness and novelty, shows that individuals with higher 118 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:48,600 Speaker 2: needs for varied novel and complex sensations might actually unconsciously 119 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:52,320 Speaker 2: gravitate towards me more chaotic and stimulating environments. So in 120 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:55,800 Speaker 2: these studies they were the ones who ran towards the fire. Essentially, 121 00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:57,800 Speaker 2: they were the ones who got involved in the drama. 122 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,760 Speaker 2: And on this point of novelty intensity is also worth 123 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:06,280 Speaker 2: touching on ADHD. For individuals with ADHD, there is a 124 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:11,480 Speaker 2: known difference in how your brain processes and regulates dopamine 125 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,520 Speaker 2: and also its counterpart nor a penefherent which you need 126 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:18,360 Speaker 2: dopamine in order to release and for your brain to understand. 127 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:22,960 Speaker 2: The brains of people with ADHD have an imbalance of dopamine, 128 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:28,000 Speaker 2: specifically notably normally lower levels of dopamine in certain brain regions, 129 00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:30,800 Speaker 2: but also there is research that's beginning to support that 130 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:35,160 Speaker 2: they also have fewer dopamine receptors and more of this 131 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:39,079 Speaker 2: protein that actually cleans up dopamine on the sign aps, 132 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:42,880 Speaker 2: meaning that dopamine messages will remain available in your brain 133 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:46,560 Speaker 2: for less time, so the happiness fades quicker. All of 134 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:50,080 Speaker 2: this basically means that they can really struggle with maintaining 135 00:08:50,679 --> 00:08:54,400 Speaker 2: motivation because dopamine is not just the happy chemical. It 136 00:08:54,440 --> 00:09:00,680 Speaker 2: is responsible for motivation. It's responsible for feeling feeling aligned 137 00:09:00,679 --> 00:09:03,480 Speaker 2: with something, wanting to do something. It also means that 138 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:06,720 Speaker 2: they're threshed for the positive feelings is a lot higher, 139 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:09,280 Speaker 2: so they have to experience more to get to a 140 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:13,079 Speaker 2: point of enjoyment or exhilaration compared to someone who doesn't 141 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:16,040 Speaker 2: have this irregulation. So this can lead to the drive 142 00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:20,079 Speaker 2: for novelty and high stimulation as the brain seeks to 143 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:24,120 Speaker 2: achieve optimal arousal and a consistent flow of dopamine because 144 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:28,040 Speaker 2: of how the system may not be working. So if 145 00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:32,440 Speaker 2: you have ADHD, for those of you with ADHD, constant demands, 146 00:09:32,559 --> 00:09:37,000 Speaker 2: shifting priorities, the rush of last minute deadlines that actually 147 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:40,920 Speaker 2: can feel pretty safe for you, that actually can feel 148 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:44,800 Speaker 2: quite normal. It can make you feel focused, It can 149 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:48,760 Speaker 2: make you feel engaged, even productive in a way that calmer, 150 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:55,200 Speaker 2: more predictable environments don't. And it's not that ADHD causes 151 00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:59,880 Speaker 2: an addiction to chaos. It's that the underlying neurological differences 152 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:04,360 Speaker 2: can make chaotic environments feel more engaging or even feel 153 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:09,400 Speaker 2: more comfortable, feel more right for some individuals, making it 154 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:12,120 Speaker 2: harder for them to step away from this intensity. So 155 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:17,240 Speaker 2: It's very important to understand this distinction between our addiction 156 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:21,120 Speaker 2: to chaos as a learned habit versus as a symptom 157 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:24,640 Speaker 2: of a brain that is wired just a little bit differently. However, 158 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:28,319 Speaker 2: for those addicted to chaos as a learned habit, many 159 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:33,720 Speaker 2: perceive there to be positive side effects of chaos, and 160 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:38,360 Speaker 2: that acts as the primary hook for this pattern. People 161 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:42,440 Speaker 2: who thrive in these environments, they often are incredibly effective 162 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,800 Speaker 2: in a crisis. They think quickly on their feet, they 163 00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:49,360 Speaker 2: can problem solve under immense pressure. They get things done 164 00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:53,160 Speaker 2: when others might freeze. So it does feel like an asset. 165 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:56,760 Speaker 2: You do feel quite competent. You can go where no 166 00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:58,760 Speaker 2: one else can go. You can do things that other 167 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:02,160 Speaker 2: people might not be able to do. And so, in 168 00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:05,160 Speaker 2: a period where we're forming our identity and our self concept, 169 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:07,920 Speaker 2: the fact that we are good at doing this, at 170 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:11,720 Speaker 2: putting out fires can feel quite validating and powerful. There's 171 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:16,400 Speaker 2: a certain thrill in being praised for this last minute performance, 172 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:20,439 Speaker 2: or for constantly proving people that you can overcome a challenge. 173 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:23,040 Speaker 2: Let's also not forget a crucial element to this, which 174 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:26,960 Speaker 2: is perceived control. Humans want to be in control. We 175 00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:28,920 Speaker 2: want to feel like we matter. We want to feel 176 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:32,760 Speaker 2: like we can create change, we can do things, we 177 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,600 Speaker 2: can manage our environment, that we have a say. Whilst 178 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,839 Speaker 2: chaos might seem like the opposite of control, sometimes by 179 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:43,040 Speaker 2: creating it artificially or deliberately, we reclaim a sense of 180 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,720 Speaker 2: agency because we create just enough chaos that we can 181 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:49,640 Speaker 2: feel in charge. This can be particularly appealing if you 182 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,560 Speaker 2: feel like you lack control in other areas of your life. 183 00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:56,480 Speaker 2: So if your career progression is slow, or major life 184 00:11:56,559 --> 00:12:00,000 Speaker 2: decisions feel out of your hands, then the manageable case 185 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:03,600 Speaker 2: of a relationship, or of going out all the time, 186 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:06,199 Speaker 2: or of crashing out on the weekends, or of doing 187 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:10,600 Speaker 2: like insane stuff can almost feel productive. It can feel exhilarating. 188 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:13,200 Speaker 2: It can feel like you have something to do. The 189 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:20,440 Speaker 2: problems emerge when controlled chaos becomes uncontrolled, unmanageable, and maladaptive. 190 00:12:21,559 --> 00:12:24,400 Speaker 2: Hopefully I've made this clear that this isn't about some 191 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:28,600 Speaker 2: grand conscious plan to live in constant turmoil and we 192 00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:31,079 Speaker 2: like throwing things up on the air and seeing where 193 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:34,320 Speaker 2: they land. It's actually our brain's quest for a reward. 194 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:39,080 Speaker 2: It's our brain's quest for stimulation, it's our brain's quest 195 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:42,720 Speaker 2: for competence, self efficacy, to feel like we can manage 196 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:46,679 Speaker 2: the problems throned us. Okay, we're going to take a 197 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:49,960 Speaker 2: short break, but when we return, let's talk about some 198 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:53,120 Speaker 2: of the ways this manifests in our lives, why you 199 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:56,040 Speaker 2: may end up regretting decisions made in the heat of 200 00:12:56,080 --> 00:13:03,560 Speaker 2: the moment, and most importantly, how to actually crave peace, stillness, 201 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:10,920 Speaker 2: stability over the comfort of urgency to stay with us. 202 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:14,520 Speaker 2: Let's get real about how this plays out in the 203 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:19,440 Speaker 2: daily fabric of our lives, especially for us in our twenties. 204 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:23,400 Speaker 2: Once you start looking for it, you'll see that chaos 205 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:27,800 Speaker 2: isn't just about external events. It's a pattern of thinking 206 00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:31,440 Speaker 2: and a pattern of behavior that slowly weaves its way 207 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:36,120 Speaker 2: into everything. Specifically, the thing that's closest in orbit to us, 208 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:39,439 Speaker 2: the thing that often matters more than anything our relationships, 209 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:43,320 Speaker 2: and it manifests in relationship drama. We've all seen it. 210 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:47,360 Speaker 2: We've all experienced it. Maybe we've even unconsciously participated in it. 211 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:52,560 Speaker 2: The breaking up, getting back together, the explosive fights, ignoring 212 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,840 Speaker 2: someone when you know it's not healthy to know too, 213 00:13:55,960 --> 00:14:00,120 Speaker 2: and throwing like the back and forth. For some a 214 00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:05,160 Speaker 2: relationship feels boring or stale without a certain level of intensity. 215 00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:10,360 Speaker 2: This can be fueled by that neurochemical rollercoaster, of course 216 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:13,400 Speaker 2: that we just discussed, But for other people that can 217 00:14:13,559 --> 00:14:20,600 Speaker 2: also be that calm relationships feel uncomfortable and feel boring. 218 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:25,960 Speaker 2: If you are used to unhealthy love, sometimes healthy love 219 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:30,680 Speaker 2: can be equally, if not more challenging, because you have 220 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:33,040 Speaker 2: to adapt to a new way of communicating, a new 221 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:36,680 Speaker 2: way of problem solving, and your love isn't constantly being 222 00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:40,440 Speaker 2: proven through the resolution of conflict, so you have to 223 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:44,160 Speaker 2: create that conflict to feel the same excitement or anxiety 224 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:48,200 Speaker 2: that you're used to. Individuals with an insecure attachment style, 225 00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:51,320 Speaker 2: of course, are more drawn to this see this happening 226 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:58,720 Speaker 2: more often, and might unconsciously unconsciously gravitate towards drama because 227 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:04,000 Speaker 2: it mirrors familiar patterns of attention and connection from earlier life, 228 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:07,720 Speaker 2: from your childhood, even if those patterns you know they 229 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:11,800 Speaker 2: are unhealthy. There's another phenomena attached to this, something that 230 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,640 Speaker 2: I actually talked about in my book quite a lot. 231 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:22,680 Speaker 2: It's called repetition compulsion. Repetition compulsion is a psychological pattern 232 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:30,760 Speaker 2: whereby we unconsciously recreate familiar emotional experiences from our past, 233 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:34,560 Speaker 2: often ones that are chaotic or painful, in an attempt 234 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:39,520 Speaker 2: to gain control or resolution, in an attempt to gain mastery, 235 00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:43,600 Speaker 2: to break the internal cycle. In relationships, of course, this 236 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:47,600 Speaker 2: looks like gravitating towards partners who bring up drama, who 237 00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:50,800 Speaker 2: bring up instability, not because we want to suffer, but 238 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:53,920 Speaker 2: because it mirrors a very comfortable emotional landscape. And we 239 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:57,120 Speaker 2: say to ourselves, if I can make it out this time, 240 00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:59,840 Speaker 2: if I can fix this, if I can bring this 241 00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:02,240 Speaker 2: up under my control, if we can make it work well, 242 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:04,880 Speaker 2: then that means that in all these other situations, it 243 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:08,080 Speaker 2: wasn't my fault. In all these other situations, it wasn't me. 244 00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:12,280 Speaker 2: It can be this unconscious effort to get it right 245 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:16,640 Speaker 2: this time, to finally receive the love, validation, stability that 246 00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:21,040 Speaker 2: we were denied before. The irony, of course, being that 247 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,920 Speaker 2: instead of healing, we end up stuck in cycles that 248 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:28,480 Speaker 2: actually repeat and deepen the original wound. So we pick fights, 249 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,400 Speaker 2: we go hot and cold, We even think about doing 250 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:34,840 Speaker 2: things like flirting with someone else or cheating on our partner. 251 00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:38,240 Speaker 2: It's a way to feel seen. It's a way to 252 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:42,560 Speaker 2: get attention, because attention feels like love. It's a way 253 00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:47,280 Speaker 2: to what we think is build intimacy through conflict, because 254 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:51,720 Speaker 2: we think that intimacy is born from volatility. This really 255 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:55,920 Speaker 2: connects to this very interesting concept called the drama triangle. 256 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,960 Speaker 2: It's a concept from something called transactional analysis, which is 257 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:05,359 Speaker 2: psychological model essentially developed to describe destructive relationship patterns. And 258 00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:09,359 Speaker 2: how it goes is that the triangle outlines three roles, 259 00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:14,200 Speaker 2: three roles that people unconsciously adopt in conflict. The victim 260 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:18,399 Speaker 2: who feels powerless and seeks rescue, the rescuer who tries 261 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:21,800 Speaker 2: to fix others and fix their problems, and the persecutor, 262 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:26,679 Speaker 2: who criticizes or controls to feel superior. These roles are 263 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:30,119 Speaker 2: fluid and people often shift between them within the same interaction. 264 00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:34,560 Speaker 2: A chaos addict, though, might constantly find themselves in one 265 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:39,640 Speaker 2: of these roles, perpetuating drama. The average person hopefully isn't 266 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:42,960 Speaker 2: in the triangle at all. But if you're addicted to chaos, 267 00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:45,720 Speaker 2: you may find yourself creating situations where you need to 268 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:49,320 Speaker 2: be rescued. You may find yourself in situations where you 269 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,159 Speaker 2: are allowed to rescue someone else, where you get to 270 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:56,119 Speaker 2: be the problem solver. You may find yourself stirring the pot. 271 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:59,600 Speaker 2: It is a way of being constantly engaged, constantly relevant, 272 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:04,200 Speaker 2: even if the engagement comes from negative interactions. There is, 273 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:07,960 Speaker 2: of course a cost to this conflict. Resolution might create 274 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:10,240 Speaker 2: a big dopamine hit, It might make you feel like 275 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:14,080 Speaker 2: you've won and you've pushed through some issue, but perpetual 276 00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:17,399 Speaker 2: drama will erode trust in intimacy one hundred percent of 277 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:20,280 Speaker 2: the time, partners and friends, they love you, they care 278 00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:23,679 Speaker 2: about you. They also hopefully care about themselves and may 279 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:27,399 Speaker 2: get tired of that emotional rollercoaster. They might also feel 280 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:31,480 Speaker 2: like they're being used as I guess props in your 281 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:35,359 Speaker 2: personal drama. They're exhausted, they're in a constant state of 282 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:40,280 Speaker 2: crisis themselves. Research on relationship dynamics consistently shows that stable, 283 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:44,840 Speaker 2: secure relationships, they thrive on predictability, They thrive on an 284 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:49,520 Speaker 2: emotional safety, not constant upheaval, and genuine connection really does 285 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:53,080 Speaker 2: require that we are calm and regulated and that we 286 00:18:53,119 --> 00:18:58,120 Speaker 2: can co regulate together. So if there's a constant urged 287 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,080 Speaker 2: to find chaos and to find drama, that's not going 288 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:06,440 Speaker 2: to necessarily compute or fit. That's the consequence of relationships. 289 00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:10,199 Speaker 2: An addiction to chaos will also obviously impact things like 290 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:13,240 Speaker 2: our career. This is massive for our twenties. We are 291 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:17,800 Speaker 2: often juggling multiple roles, immense pressure, a glorified need to 292 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:21,520 Speaker 2: seem busy. How many of us secretly thrive in that 293 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:25,280 Speaker 2: environment where there is a last minute deadline. You procrastinate, 294 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:29,200 Speaker 2: you let the pressure build, maybe because of perfectionism, then 295 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:31,800 Speaker 2: you pull out an all nighter and you do something brilliant. 296 00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:35,080 Speaker 2: This is called an urgency addiction. If you find that 297 00:19:35,119 --> 00:19:38,000 Speaker 2: you can only really get stuff done at the last 298 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:42,439 Speaker 2: minute or under a crunch, maybe because you have become 299 00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:47,919 Speaker 2: reliant on this adrenaline rush. You've become reliant on stress 300 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:51,359 Speaker 2: hormones to motivate you. It does actually lead to a 301 00:19:51,359 --> 00:19:54,240 Speaker 2: false sense of productivity because you feel busy and you 302 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:57,199 Speaker 2: feel rushed, and you feel exhilarated, even though you're not 303 00:19:57,240 --> 00:20:02,600 Speaker 2: actually being necessarily efficient or productive. You're not strategically moving forward, 304 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,520 Speaker 2: but you are fueled by the thrill. This is a 305 00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:10,120 Speaker 2: classic example of procrastination cycles being reinforced by the relief 306 00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:14,679 Speaker 2: of completion, even if the overall process is inefficient and stressful. 307 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:19,760 Speaker 2: Research by psychologists who are studying chronic procrastination consistently shows 308 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:23,560 Speaker 2: that the short term relief can overshadow the long term costs. 309 00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:27,400 Speaker 2: And let's be real. In a world that is praising 310 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,760 Speaker 2: hustle culture and praising the grind, it is easy to 311 00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:36,480 Speaker 2: mistake exhaustion for effort and constant, very high level urgency 312 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:39,399 Speaker 2: and activity for actual progression. But what are you actually 313 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:43,119 Speaker 2: doing to your body? Busyness is such a status symbol. 314 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:47,000 Speaker 2: You're always overscheduling, you never have downtime, You're jumping from 315 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:50,320 Speaker 2: one project to the next, and so you may conflate 316 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:55,280 Speaker 2: being overwhelmed with being important, with being valuable, with being interesting. 317 00:20:55,359 --> 00:20:58,240 Speaker 2: It's like a badge of honor. And I've done it. 318 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:01,240 Speaker 2: I have done it so many times. I was so 319 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:04,200 Speaker 2: guilty of this in university. People would want to hang 320 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:06,080 Speaker 2: out and I'd be like, oh, no, I'm so busy. 321 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:10,680 Speaker 2: I'm so busy, Like I've never been busier. I've constantly 322 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:12,800 Speaker 2: got all these things on my plate. And it was 323 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:15,280 Speaker 2: this weird thing where eventually I had to ask myself, 324 00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,840 Speaker 2: what do I have to prove? What do I have 325 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:22,480 Speaker 2: to prove to these people by allowing them to assume 326 00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:25,880 Speaker 2: that I am you know, I don't know by allowing 327 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:28,720 Speaker 2: them to assume that I've constantly got things on. By 328 00:21:29,119 --> 00:21:32,800 Speaker 2: letting them assume or believe that I am the busiest 329 00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:34,960 Speaker 2: person in any room, what am I trying to prove. 330 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:37,760 Speaker 2: I'm trying to prove that I'm important. I'm trying to 331 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:40,000 Speaker 2: prove that I can work hard. That's really what this is. 332 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:43,520 Speaker 2: The most obvious cost of this all is, of course, burnout. 333 00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:48,320 Speaker 2: Constantly operating in a high stress, high adrenaline mode is unsustainable. 334 00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:53,000 Speaker 2: Your body is designed for short bursts of stress, not 335 00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:56,600 Speaker 2: a stress marathon. Chronic stress of this kind will elevate 336 00:21:56,640 --> 00:22:00,840 Speaker 2: cortisol levels that will create sleep problems a week immune system. 337 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:04,800 Speaker 2: You will get sick more easily, digestive issues, increased anxiety, 338 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:08,960 Speaker 2: even an increased risk of depression. You feel perpetually exhausted, 339 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:12,400 Speaker 2: You feel irritable, you feel disconnected, even if you think 340 00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:16,320 Speaker 2: you're okay, even if you think you haven't really had enough. 341 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:19,439 Speaker 2: You don't deserve to be burnt out. Your body doesn't 342 00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:22,120 Speaker 2: care if you feel like you deserve to be burnt out. 343 00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:25,640 Speaker 2: If you're burnt out, you're burnt out, and you're going 344 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:29,439 Speaker 2: to feel terrible, and there's no ignoring that. Your body 345 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:31,639 Speaker 2: will adapt for as long as possible, and then it 346 00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:34,000 Speaker 2: will collapse. And as soon as you feel a little 347 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,400 Speaker 2: bit better, you might feel the instinct to push again, 348 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:39,680 Speaker 2: and then you'll collapse. And can you see what kind 349 00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:42,480 Speaker 2: of toll this takes on you. You're not a machine where 350 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,120 Speaker 2: we can go out and buy another part. I can't 351 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:48,919 Speaker 2: go out and buy a new battery for my body. 352 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:52,879 Speaker 2: I can't go out and buy a new system of 353 00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:55,840 Speaker 2: organs that are going to sustain me if I keep 354 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:59,760 Speaker 2: putting them under such immense pressure that they collapse. You 355 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:03,200 Speaker 2: have to ask yourself what is your love for chaos 356 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,320 Speaker 2: costing you in the long run. If you're in your 357 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:08,160 Speaker 2: twenties right now, it can feel like you could keep 358 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:12,440 Speaker 2: going forever. You can't. One day you will feel the toll, 359 00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:13,840 Speaker 2: and you'll look back and be like, why was I 360 00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:16,800 Speaker 2: so busy? What was that all for? We also have 361 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:20,679 Speaker 2: to consider my lovely listeners, whether it might this whole 362 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:24,879 Speaker 2: thing might actually be a sophisticated form of avoidance and 363 00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:28,560 Speaker 2: looking away from something deeper. Let's have that conversation for 364 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:33,800 Speaker 2: a second. The avoidance of stillness and introspection is massive 365 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:36,760 Speaker 2: for people in their twenties. We are often grappling with 366 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:40,359 Speaker 2: very big questions. Who am I? What do I want? 367 00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:43,600 Speaker 2: Am I good enough? What is the meaning of all this? 368 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:46,840 Speaker 2: What is my future going to be? Like? These questions 369 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:51,800 Speaker 2: really to require quiet reflection and sometimes sitting with really 370 00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:55,639 Speaker 2: uncomfortable existential feelings, because that's how we figure out what 371 00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:58,840 Speaker 2: we believe in, and that's how we integrate hard thoughts, 372 00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:03,480 Speaker 2: hard things, hard truths into our life. If you're asking 373 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:06,280 Speaker 2: big questions like what is the meaning of all this, 374 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,919 Speaker 2: and you really don't have even a single answer, and 375 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:13,040 Speaker 2: it's getting louder and louder and louder, and you don't 376 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:18,359 Speaker 2: know where to start, chaos provides a brilliant noisy distraction. 377 00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:24,280 Speaker 2: Research on avoidance highlights how people often engage in these 378 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:30,520 Speaker 2: kinds of excessive, harmful behaviors to escape unwanted internal experiences, 379 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:34,920 Speaker 2: even if those behaviors are, of course ultimately unhelpful. The 380 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:39,399 Speaker 2: negative consequence of living in chaos feels less significant than 381 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:43,600 Speaker 2: the negative concept of the negative consequence of internal chaos 382 00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:46,920 Speaker 2: that is probably taking over, because once we stop spinning 383 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:50,720 Speaker 2: and rushing, you might look around and be like, oh 384 00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,159 Speaker 2: my god, look at this big pile of crap that 385 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:56,160 Speaker 2: I have to deal with this anxiety, this self doubt, 386 00:24:56,160 --> 00:25:01,040 Speaker 2: this loneliness, this unresolved trauma. This is so uncomfort. What 387 00:25:01,119 --> 00:25:04,880 Speaker 2: if I just run back into the fire. What if 388 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:09,080 Speaker 2: I just find another problem that takes priority, then I 389 00:25:09,119 --> 00:25:12,879 Speaker 2: won't have to think about it. Recognizing those deeper roots 390 00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:15,960 Speaker 2: is the first step towards breaking free. Congratulations if you 391 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:18,200 Speaker 2: have done it, you're not a bad person for thriving 392 00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:20,200 Speaker 2: in chaos. You're not a bad person for the things 393 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:24,080 Speaker 2: that you have done previously to avoid hard thoughts. But 394 00:25:24,119 --> 00:25:27,240 Speaker 2: it is time that we shift away from this deeply 395 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,840 Speaker 2: ingrained pattern. Because you are meant to be present for life, 396 00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:33,919 Speaker 2: you are meant to want to strive towards things. You 397 00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:37,240 Speaker 2: will realize that life does feel easier at a lower frequency. 398 00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:39,320 Speaker 2: With that in mind, we are going to take a 399 00:25:39,359 --> 00:25:42,840 Speaker 2: short break. But when we return, I have five tips, 400 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:45,080 Speaker 2: just five tips for you to master chaos in your 401 00:25:45,119 --> 00:25:51,280 Speaker 2: life and turn your pursuit of irregularity and chaos into 402 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:54,840 Speaker 2: the pursuit of a regulated nervous system, internal harmony, in 403 00:25:54,920 --> 00:26:02,680 Speaker 2: a piece, whatever you want to call it, stay with us. 404 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:05,720 Speaker 2: Our goal here is not to become a zen master 405 00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:09,800 Speaker 2: suddenly overnight change never works that way. Our brains don't 406 00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:12,879 Speaker 2: work that way. It takes time to build a habit, 407 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:17,080 Speaker 2: even longer to undo an impulse like our attraction to 408 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:20,359 Speaker 2: chaos that has probably been around for some time. It 409 00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,119 Speaker 2: is a worthwhile investment. What we're going to talk about 410 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:28,399 Speaker 2: is cultivating awareness, making some really conscious small choices, and 411 00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:33,679 Speaker 2: just gently persistently rewiring those ingrain patterns. Here are a 412 00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:38,320 Speaker 2: few actionable thoughts things I really want you to consider 413 00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:42,639 Speaker 2: and maybe even try this week, drawing on all the 414 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:46,480 Speaker 2: psychology that we've already talked about today. Firstly, I need 415 00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:51,159 Speaker 2: you to figure out your personal chaos triggers and what 416 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:55,960 Speaker 2: you're actually getting out of it. You might ask yourself 417 00:26:56,280 --> 00:27:01,399 Speaker 2: the following questions. When do I feel most alive during 418 00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:06,480 Speaker 2: calm moments or in a crisis? Where did that come from? 419 00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:12,919 Speaker 2: What situations or people consistently create drama or stress in 420 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:17,160 Speaker 2: my life? Does that stress actually leave me feeling good? 421 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:21,560 Speaker 2: Do I ever feel uncomfortable when things are going smoothly? 422 00:27:22,359 --> 00:27:25,119 Speaker 2: What do I do in those moments or don't do 423 00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:28,320 Speaker 2: in those moments that I should be doing? What role 424 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:31,800 Speaker 2: do I usually play in conflict? Am I the fixer, 425 00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:35,920 Speaker 2: the victim, the instigator? Where do I sit in the triangle. 426 00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:42,320 Speaker 2: What reward do I get from chaos? Is it attention, adrenaline, control, distraction? 427 00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:49,159 Speaker 2: What emotion do I avoid by staying busy, overwhelmed or 428 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:56,640 Speaker 2: in a crisis mode? If peace felt safe and felt rewarding, 429 00:27:57,320 --> 00:27:59,480 Speaker 2: What would my life actually look like? What would I 430 00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:02,480 Speaker 2: be able to avoid? What do I need to change 431 00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:05,800 Speaker 2: to get there? All of this is about mapping your 432 00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:09,600 Speaker 2: specific chaos cycle and style, and once you do that, 433 00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:11,920 Speaker 2: you will have a much clearer idea of what you're 434 00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:15,920 Speaker 2: actually battling against. Next, and this is probably the toughest one, 435 00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:19,679 Speaker 2: especially if you are wide for intensity, is that you 436 00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:23,879 Speaker 2: have to try stillness as an alternative. I'm going to 437 00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:30,280 Speaker 2: challenge you to ignore constant noise, constant stimulation. Don't just 438 00:28:30,359 --> 00:28:33,080 Speaker 2: immediately put on music when you feel overwhelmed. Don't just 439 00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:36,240 Speaker 2: watch TV as you make dinner. Don't just go on 440 00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:39,440 Speaker 2: your phone immediately after you have a bad thought. Don't 441 00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:42,080 Speaker 2: try and find things that are chaotic to be interested in. 442 00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:46,720 Speaker 2: Just give yourself tiny moments where you are allowed to 443 00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:51,080 Speaker 2: just hold heavy emotions in your hands, almost when you 444 00:28:51,080 --> 00:28:54,480 Speaker 2: are allowed to just experience them for a tiny pocket 445 00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:59,080 Speaker 2: and then move on. Sit, breathe, your brain is going 446 00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:02,360 Speaker 2: to scream at you for STI simulation. You will feel restless, 447 00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:05,040 Speaker 2: You maybe will feel anxious. This is just your nervous 448 00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:08,760 Speaker 2: system which is used to being on hire alert, reacting 449 00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:13,280 Speaker 2: to an unfamiliar calm. But persist, even if it's just 450 00:29:13,320 --> 00:29:16,479 Speaker 2: for five minutes, because that is training your brain. It 451 00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:20,720 Speaker 2: is endurance training for your mind. Five minutes might feel impossible. 452 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:24,440 Speaker 2: Do one minute today, two minutes tomorrow, ten minutes, twenty minutes. 453 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:28,360 Speaker 2: You'll start to build a tolerance for stillness. You might, even, 454 00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:32,440 Speaker 2: dare I say it, start to find that those profound 455 00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:36,600 Speaker 2: insights that you have been avoiding actually are helpful. You 456 00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:41,400 Speaker 2: might actually like feeling peaceful. It's basically like trying to 457 00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:44,640 Speaker 2: teach your inner alance system that not every quiet moment 458 00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:48,520 Speaker 2: is a sign of impending doom, and that actually a calm, peaceful, still, 459 00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:54,479 Speaker 2: easy going, low frequency life is incredibly fulfilling and fun. 460 00:29:55,280 --> 00:29:57,920 Speaker 2: You know, going to the library and having a cup 461 00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:01,240 Speaker 2: of tea and going to bed at nine it's not 462 00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:04,560 Speaker 2: all that bad. It's actually very very fun. There's still 463 00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:07,600 Speaker 2: room for you to do like the high energy, high 464 00:30:07,600 --> 00:30:10,320 Speaker 2: frequency things. But if you're finding that you're using them 465 00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:14,640 Speaker 2: as a distraction. How can you bring in the alternatives 466 00:30:15,520 --> 00:30:18,840 Speaker 2: every now and again? How can you provide evidence to 467 00:30:18,880 --> 00:30:21,600 Speaker 2: yourself that the alternative isn't really as bad as you're 468 00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:24,479 Speaker 2: thinking that it is. If you feel addicted to chaos 469 00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:26,240 Speaker 2: as well, chances are that you might not have the 470 00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:30,840 Speaker 2: strongest boundaries, either with others or with yourself. Chaos thrives 471 00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:34,600 Speaker 2: where boundaries are permeable. So another element to this is 472 00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:39,040 Speaker 2: about drawing clear lines in the sand and honoring your 473 00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:42,600 Speaker 2: know When someone asks you to do something, before just 474 00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:46,320 Speaker 2: making space or before just permitting them to do it 475 00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:50,760 Speaker 2: or getting you involved, ask yourself, do I actually want this? 476 00:30:51,320 --> 00:30:53,920 Speaker 2: Is this actually going to make my day, my week, 477 00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:58,000 Speaker 2: my life better? When you go to gossip, when you 478 00:30:58,040 --> 00:31:01,160 Speaker 2: go to engage in drama, when you go to start 479 00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:04,080 Speaker 2: a fight, when you go to fill up your calendar, 480 00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:09,160 Speaker 2: Remember you are what you consume, including the conversations, the 481 00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:13,280 Speaker 2: social media content, the energy of others. You are what 482 00:31:13,360 --> 00:31:16,720 Speaker 2: you choose to engage in and what is around you 483 00:31:17,760 --> 00:31:20,479 Speaker 2: is that what you want to be? Is that a 484 00:31:20,520 --> 00:31:25,560 Speaker 2: healthy energy source? If you constantly feel like your energy 485 00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:29,239 Speaker 2: is off, if you constantly feel irritated, agitated, what are 486 00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:31,520 Speaker 2: you saying yes to in life that is creating this 487 00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:34,680 Speaker 2: that is having a domino effect on your everyday mood 488 00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:38,560 Speaker 2: and sense of self. What are you engaging in? What 489 00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:41,880 Speaker 2: chaos are you allowing because you want to stay friends 490 00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:45,120 Speaker 2: with people you shouldn't because you can't set boundaries with yourself, 491 00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:49,000 Speaker 2: because you can't turn away from what is taking from you. 492 00:31:50,520 --> 00:31:55,360 Speaker 2: Think of boundaries as your personal firewall against the constant 493 00:31:55,600 --> 00:32:00,800 Speaker 2: influx of external chaos. They're not walls to put people away. 494 00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:05,040 Speaker 2: They're basically like property lines that protect your precious energy, 495 00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:09,600 Speaker 2: your time, your mental peace. It's a proactive step. Really 496 00:32:09,600 --> 00:32:12,200 Speaker 2: getting to know what you do, what you do and 497 00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:14,720 Speaker 2: don't enjoy, and why you feel called to do the 498 00:32:14,760 --> 00:32:18,400 Speaker 2: things you don't enjoy is incredibly important because you're sending 499 00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:21,880 Speaker 2: a message to yourself that says, my piece is my priority, 500 00:32:21,960 --> 00:32:26,080 Speaker 2: even if sometimes peaceful feels boring. As we've spoken about, 501 00:32:26,120 --> 00:32:28,200 Speaker 2: a huge part of why chaos is so addictive is 502 00:32:28,240 --> 00:32:31,480 Speaker 2: the amazing feeling we get after the chaotic or stressful 503 00:32:31,520 --> 00:32:34,640 Speaker 2: period is over. So we also need to create new 504 00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:41,480 Speaker 2: pathways for dopamine hits from proactive preventative wins. Instead of 505 00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:43,960 Speaker 2: waiting for a fire to put out, to try and 506 00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:48,400 Speaker 2: anticipate and address potential problems and feel relief. Then, so 507 00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:50,880 Speaker 2: we're going to be breaking down our tasks into small 508 00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:54,520 Speaker 2: and manageable steps. We're going to be celebrating each small completion. 509 00:32:54,720 --> 00:32:57,120 Speaker 2: We are going to be planning our weeks. We are 510 00:32:57,160 --> 00:32:59,040 Speaker 2: going to be feeling a sense of pride when we 511 00:32:59,120 --> 00:33:00,800 Speaker 2: meal prep when we do the things that make our 512 00:33:00,840 --> 00:33:04,120 Speaker 2: life easier. When you call yourself out, when you schedule 513 00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:08,200 Speaker 2: your downtime first, then fill in the tasks, this shifts 514 00:33:08,240 --> 00:33:12,040 Speaker 2: you from being a reactive, chaos driven individual to a proactive, 515 00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:17,760 Speaker 2: intentional one. It also allows us to tap into delayed gratification, 516 00:33:18,200 --> 00:33:22,040 Speaker 2: which is probably the most useful concept in this episode. 517 00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:25,840 Speaker 2: It's also probably something that you are missing. When we're 518 00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:30,440 Speaker 2: chasing urgency. We often live in a short term gratification loop. 519 00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:34,200 Speaker 2: There is an issue resolution is delayed till the last moment, 520 00:33:34,640 --> 00:33:38,200 Speaker 2: meaning we get instant gratification. But turning your sights to 521 00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:41,720 Speaker 2: something that will take you longer, like an assignment or 522 00:33:41,760 --> 00:33:44,600 Speaker 2: a project that you start early and work on slowly, 523 00:33:45,200 --> 00:33:49,440 Speaker 2: or like rewiring your communication approach to foster a healthy relationship, 524 00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:53,120 Speaker 2: gives you a stronger, more powerful sense of accomplishment After 525 00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:56,480 Speaker 2: the fact than if you are just tapping into these 526 00:33:56,480 --> 00:34:00,160 Speaker 2: short wins, it's so so so much more rewarding. It's 527 00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:03,520 Speaker 2: like choosing the healthy option over the junk food instant gratification. 528 00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:06,480 Speaker 2: Junk food not always that bad, but not going to 529 00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:08,560 Speaker 2: make you feel great if you consume it all the time. 530 00:34:09,120 --> 00:34:13,239 Speaker 2: Long term gratification is something that nourishes you. It's more 531 00:34:13,280 --> 00:34:17,840 Speaker 2: rewarding because it taps into intrinsic satisfaction rather than just 532 00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:20,759 Speaker 2: a dopamine hit. When you engage in something over time, 533 00:34:20,840 --> 00:34:23,880 Speaker 2: whether it is building a healthy relationship or healing a 534 00:34:23,920 --> 00:34:27,720 Speaker 2: pattern or showing up consistently for a project, the payoff 535 00:34:27,760 --> 00:34:30,640 Speaker 2: isn't just the outcome, it's the identity shift that happened 536 00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:33,359 Speaker 2: along the way, because you start to see yourself as 537 00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:38,640 Speaker 2: someone who is capable, intentional, grounded. That builds self trust. 538 00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:40,799 Speaker 2: You are not just good in a crisis, you are 539 00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:45,200 Speaker 2: good all the time. Finally, something that really occurred to 540 00:34:45,239 --> 00:34:47,960 Speaker 2: me just then and when talking about this, and even 541 00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:51,400 Speaker 2: when I was writing about it, is that chaos is everywhere. 542 00:34:52,400 --> 00:34:56,400 Speaker 2: Life will never be short of chaotic, stressful, pressurized moments. 543 00:34:56,520 --> 00:34:59,359 Speaker 2: Your life can change at any moment. You don't need 544 00:34:59,400 --> 00:35:02,239 Speaker 2: to be looking at for or creating it yourself. It 545 00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:04,719 Speaker 2: will find you, I promise, it will find you in 546 00:35:05,160 --> 00:35:09,279 Speaker 2: changing circumstances and unexpected challenges. In just the unpredictable nature 547 00:35:09,320 --> 00:35:13,760 Speaker 2: of being alive, the external world will always present you 548 00:35:13,840 --> 00:35:17,400 Speaker 2: with a dose of inevitable turmoil. You don't need to 549 00:35:17,480 --> 00:35:22,560 Speaker 2: worry about life not being exciting, trust me. You don't 550 00:35:22,600 --> 00:35:26,200 Speaker 2: need to create the exciting moments. And if that's really 551 00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:30,680 Speaker 2: what's going on, If you're exploding your life because you're bored, 552 00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:34,520 Speaker 2: crashing out isn't going to solve a deeper internal dissatisfaction. 553 00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:38,520 Speaker 2: You need to be having more planned, novel experiences, planning 554 00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:41,440 Speaker 2: things that are intentionally fun, getting out of your suburb 555 00:35:41,520 --> 00:35:46,279 Speaker 2: or your town, challenging yourself instead of waiting to blow 556 00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:48,960 Speaker 2: up your life every three months when you feel unsettled. 557 00:35:49,760 --> 00:35:52,680 Speaker 2: What we're really changing here is the reliance on dopamine, 558 00:35:52,920 --> 00:35:56,400 Speaker 2: from the resolution of an avoidable crisis to a desire 559 00:35:56,440 --> 00:36:00,960 Speaker 2: for a deeper, soulful state of enjoyment, long term reward, 560 00:36:01,719 --> 00:36:05,000 Speaker 2: a calm emotional environment. That's going to mean that when 561 00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:08,440 Speaker 2: exciting things happen, we can appreciate them rather than feeling 562 00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:11,400 Speaker 2: like they are going to destroy our sense of self 563 00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:14,640 Speaker 2: and just set us in a tizzy. It's hard work, 564 00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:18,160 Speaker 2: it's worth it. So as we wrap up today, I 565 00:36:18,160 --> 00:36:20,920 Speaker 2: want to leave you with this thought. The chaos in 566 00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:24,960 Speaker 2: your life, the rush, the constant doing. It might feel 567 00:36:25,000 --> 00:36:28,120 Speaker 2: like living, but sometimes true living is found in stillness. 568 00:36:28,719 --> 00:36:32,440 Speaker 2: It is found in intentional moments, in the quiet progress, 569 00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:35,680 Speaker 2: in just a sense of peace. The more mature you get, 570 00:36:35,719 --> 00:36:40,040 Speaker 2: the more you will realize how desirable that is. Your 571 00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:45,640 Speaker 2: twenties are a time of immense building and immense excitement. 572 00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:47,879 Speaker 2: There's always going to be some fire to put out. 573 00:36:48,200 --> 00:36:51,560 Speaker 2: Don't create more fires for yourself. The pursuit of peace, 574 00:36:51,600 --> 00:36:54,800 Speaker 2: if you start it now, will create such a better 575 00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:58,600 Speaker 2: long term mental state and environment for you, so that 576 00:36:58,640 --> 00:37:02,200 Speaker 2: you're not thirty five already doing the same things. I 577 00:37:02,239 --> 00:37:04,680 Speaker 2: really hope that you did enjoy this episode. I hope 578 00:37:04,719 --> 00:37:07,719 Speaker 2: you know that I'm coming from a place of acceptance. 579 00:37:07,760 --> 00:37:10,880 Speaker 2: I was once this person I probably still am, and 580 00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:14,840 Speaker 2: also just understanding that if you love chaos, if you 581 00:37:14,880 --> 00:37:18,840 Speaker 2: love drama, excitement, sometimes that's just how you're wired. That 582 00:37:18,920 --> 00:37:21,160 Speaker 2: doesn't always mean that it's an excuse, and it doesn't 583 00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:23,960 Speaker 2: always mean that you can't do anything about it. Hopefully 584 00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:26,800 Speaker 2: these tips have inspired you to just take small little steps. 585 00:37:27,160 --> 00:37:30,920 Speaker 2: I'm not saying you need to submit yourself to a regular, 586 00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:34,760 Speaker 2: routined life from now until you die. I'm just saying 587 00:37:35,120 --> 00:37:38,839 Speaker 2: leave space for stillness. Hopefully these tips and just this 588 00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:42,359 Speaker 2: conversation is encouraged you to see what the alternative might be. 589 00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:44,640 Speaker 2: Thank you so much for listening. If you have made 590 00:37:44,640 --> 00:37:47,400 Speaker 2: it this far, thank you for being such a solid listener, 591 00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:50,080 Speaker 2: leave a little past or emoji down below. If you 592 00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:52,480 Speaker 2: have made it this far, just for whatever reason, leave 593 00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:54,279 Speaker 2: one down below so I know that you have made 594 00:37:54,280 --> 00:37:55,880 Speaker 2: it to the end of the episode, and thank you 595 00:37:55,920 --> 00:37:58,480 Speaker 2: for sticking around. Make sure you are following me on 596 00:37:58,560 --> 00:38:02,640 Speaker 2: Instagram at that Psychology podcast, and that you are also 597 00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:05,680 Speaker 2: following us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts. Wherever you are listening, 598 00:38:05,840 --> 00:38:08,360 Speaker 2: leave a five star review. Share this episode with a friend, 599 00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:10,319 Speaker 2: maybe even share it on Instagram if you wanted to 600 00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:12,520 Speaker 2: reach other people, you think that other people in their 601 00:38:12,520 --> 00:38:15,719 Speaker 2: twenties or beyond would get something out of it. Make 602 00:38:15,719 --> 00:38:18,400 Speaker 2: sure as well that you listen to my new podcast Mantra. 603 00:38:18,520 --> 00:38:21,600 Speaker 2: It will be linked in the episode description. And until 604 00:38:21,640 --> 00:38:25,080 Speaker 2: next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself, 605 00:38:25,680 --> 00:38:30,520 Speaker 2: Embrace peace, and stillness. Please, we will talk very very soon.