1 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:09,320 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:12,320 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:16,920 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:21,680 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. 5 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:26,840 Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 6 00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:30,600 Speaker 2: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in 7 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:33,000 Speaker 2: the world, it is so great to have you here 8 00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:37,320 Speaker 2: as we, of course break down dive into the Psychology 9 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:40,879 Speaker 2: of your twenties. Something that I think comes up a 10 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:45,640 Speaker 2: lot when we think about love, crushes, dating, romance is 11 00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:50,440 Speaker 2: this behavioral concept, this behavioral idea of flirting. And it 12 00:00:50,479 --> 00:00:53,280 Speaker 2: feels kind of strange to be doing an entire episode 13 00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:56,800 Speaker 2: on flirting because I don't know, I feel like I'm 14 00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:59,680 Speaker 2: in this long term relationship, like I don't really think 15 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:02,280 Speaker 2: about as much anymore. But when you are single, or 16 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:04,240 Speaker 2: even when you are in a long term relationship and 17 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:05,959 Speaker 2: you want to kind of bring a little bit of 18 00:01:05,959 --> 00:01:10,080 Speaker 2: passion back into things, flooting is super valuable. And it's 19 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:14,840 Speaker 2: also this idea that is closely aligned with confidence, romantic confidence, 20 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:19,000 Speaker 2: with attraction. I feel like flirting is honestly just so 21 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:21,119 Speaker 2: much fun. You don't know where it's going to take you. 22 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:23,800 Speaker 2: It can bring you so much power and self esteem. 23 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:26,120 Speaker 2: It puts you kind of in the driver's seat of 24 00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:30,880 Speaker 2: a relationship. But it's not always so easy to do, 25 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:33,920 Speaker 2: and not all of us are quite the expert. So 26 00:01:33,959 --> 00:01:36,600 Speaker 2: today I thought I would bring someone on to discuss 27 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:40,600 Speaker 2: the unique psychology of flirting, and I thought I would 28 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:46,200 Speaker 2: bring on the literal expert at flooting coach, Benjamin Commerce. 29 00:01:46,319 --> 00:01:47,920 Speaker 2: Thank you so much for joining us. 30 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:51,120 Speaker 3: Hello, thank you so much for having me on the 31 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:53,600 Speaker 3: show today. I am thrilled and delighted to talk about 32 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:56,600 Speaker 3: my favorite thing in the world, which is flirting. 33 00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:00,280 Speaker 2: I'm actually so excited as well, Like I was, like, 34 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,760 Speaker 2: this is just perfect because it is such like a 35 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:05,160 Speaker 2: I don't know, it's like something that people don't think 36 00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:07,080 Speaker 2: about all that often. But then when you kind of 37 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:08,880 Speaker 2: have it down pat and I'm sure it like opens 38 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:11,840 Speaker 2: so many doors before we jump into it. Can you 39 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,600 Speaker 2: just like briefly introduce yourself, what you do, who you are, 40 00:02:14,919 --> 00:02:16,919 Speaker 2: any fun facts that you want to include. 41 00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:20,880 Speaker 3: Yes, my name is Benjamin, I am the floor coach 42 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:25,200 Speaker 3: and gay libra self proclaimed and I got into this 43 00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:28,519 Speaker 3: a couple of years ago. I had a whole nine 44 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:33,280 Speaker 3: to five before I got myself or found myself discovering coaching. 45 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,600 Speaker 3: I was a city planner for a long, long time, 46 00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:37,800 Speaker 3: for over ten years. That's what I went to school 47 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:40,760 Speaker 3: for more formally, and then when I was exploring a 48 00:02:40,919 --> 00:02:44,079 Speaker 3: career change, as I think a lot of us were 49 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:48,840 Speaker 3: contemplating many things during lockdown and during the pandemic, having 50 00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:50,880 Speaker 3: a lot of time to ourselves. I was living by 51 00:02:50,919 --> 00:02:54,160 Speaker 3: myself and had all of this time just to like 52 00:02:54,240 --> 00:03:00,480 Speaker 3: actually be instead of doing right going just forcing myself 53 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:05,000 Speaker 3: to always be busy. That really wasn't an option, and 54 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:08,640 Speaker 3: I knew I had to make some serious life changes, 55 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:12,440 Speaker 3: some big upheavals, and a conversation with a friend changed everything. 56 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,440 Speaker 3: I was just talking to him like I what am 57 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:17,600 Speaker 3: I going to do? Like I what do I do 58 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:20,000 Speaker 3: with my life? I was in my mid thirties then 59 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:24,640 Speaker 3: I'm thirty eight now, and he was like, what about coaching? 60 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,880 Speaker 3: What just what about coaching? I had no idea what 61 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:31,240 Speaker 3: that was, had never considered that before. I had like 62 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:33,919 Speaker 3: these ideas in my head. If you've seen movies or 63 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,760 Speaker 3: TV shows with life coaches, you know kind of get 64 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,520 Speaker 3: played up as a stereotype or like the football coach 65 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:43,280 Speaker 3: something like that. But me as a coach. I don't know, 66 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:47,320 Speaker 3: but for the first time in a really long time, 67 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:51,280 Speaker 3: he recommended a program to me, and within the week 68 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:55,880 Speaker 3: I was signed up and enrolled and I explored coaching 69 00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:59,160 Speaker 3: before I quit my job and then started my business 70 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:03,320 Speaker 3: and was posting online trying all kinds of different things. 71 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:07,280 Speaker 3: And the video that really changed everything was a video 72 00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:13,120 Speaker 3: about flirting. And that's when the like the stars aligned, 73 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:16,400 Speaker 3: everything clicked and I have not turned back since. And 74 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:18,440 Speaker 3: that was about a year and a half ago when 75 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:22,760 Speaker 3: I really started creating content and talking about flirting and 76 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:26,320 Speaker 3: becoming evolving into the floor coach, which is how I 77 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:27,000 Speaker 3: show up today. 78 00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:28,920 Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, I love it. 79 00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:31,760 Speaker 2: And I will say, like you bring such like this, 80 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:35,200 Speaker 2: like like it's beautiful energy to this recording Room'm like, yeah, 81 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:38,360 Speaker 2: I get why you're an expert in this, and it's 82 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:42,000 Speaker 2: so it's so funny you being like, oh, be the 83 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:43,960 Speaker 2: idea of like a coach and I always think of 84 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,280 Speaker 2: like Hitch, like the. 85 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:49,080 Speaker 4: What's the actor in that? Will Smith? 86 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:49,799 Speaker 3: Will Smith? 87 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:54,240 Speaker 2: Yeah, but you're very, very different, which I appreciate, and 88 00:04:55,279 --> 00:04:58,000 Speaker 2: thanks for giving us that little timeline. Okay, I'm gonna 89 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:01,600 Speaker 2: say such a simple question when I started, I was like, 90 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:04,599 Speaker 2: I thought this would be a great introductory question. I 91 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:06,160 Speaker 2: was like, this is such a simple question, and then 92 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,479 Speaker 2: I started thinking about it myself and I was like, actually, 93 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:12,720 Speaker 2: this is quite complicated. So to begin, what actually kind 94 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:15,839 Speaker 2: of defines, oh, qualifies as flooding. 95 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:20,520 Speaker 3: Yeah, So I have a definition that I think is 96 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:24,320 Speaker 3: unconventional that maybe you all haven't heard before. But my 97 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:28,560 Speaker 3: just like concise definition of flirting is that the flirt 98 00:05:28,839 --> 00:05:32,719 Speaker 3: is the genuine expression of interest without expectation, in the 99 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:36,080 Speaker 3: present moment. And I talk about the flirt as being 100 00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:40,080 Speaker 3: all about connection. For me, that's the sole purpose of 101 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:43,920 Speaker 3: the flirt. It doesn't come in with these angles or 102 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:46,719 Speaker 3: these intentions, right you're just trying to get the phone number, 103 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:49,680 Speaker 3: or you're coming right away with a physical compliment something 104 00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:52,920 Speaker 3: like that. I really try and always bring it back 105 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:57,239 Speaker 3: to connection, as I see. That's been a huge part 106 00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:00,520 Speaker 3: of my work, even as a city plan where I 107 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:04,440 Speaker 3: was working in transportation and connectivity and sidewalks and things 108 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:07,920 Speaker 3: like that, connection in a different way. And I'm still 109 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:11,000 Speaker 3: continuing with that theme now as the floor coach, just 110 00:06:11,279 --> 00:06:15,039 Speaker 3: hoping and hoping to bring more connection into people's lives. 111 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:20,880 Speaker 3: I hope to inspire them to yeah, just to express themselves, 112 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:26,760 Speaker 3: to put themselves out there to build confidence. Yeah, that's 113 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:29,839 Speaker 3: that's what That's what I hope every time I post 114 00:06:29,839 --> 00:06:33,039 Speaker 3: and talk about flirting. So that's that's my sort of clean, 115 00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:36,560 Speaker 3: clear definition of flirting. But it is ultimately always, always, 116 00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:37,919 Speaker 3: always about connection. 117 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,039 Speaker 4: Yeah. I like that. So this kind of leads to 118 00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:41,719 Speaker 4: my next question. 119 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:45,360 Speaker 2: Does it always have to indicate like romantic or even 120 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,640 Speaker 2: sexual interest or is it like just kind of can 121 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:50,200 Speaker 2: it be playful platonic? 122 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:55,520 Speaker 3: Yes, yes, So when it comes to connection, I think 123 00:06:55,560 --> 00:07:02,320 Speaker 3: you have three varieties of connection platonic platonic connections, romantic connections, 124 00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:04,640 Speaker 3: and the connection you have with yourself, and you're going 125 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:10,520 Speaker 3: to explore all of them in the flirt. It's I know, 126 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:13,880 Speaker 3: like sometimes I feel like I don't have like the juiciest, 127 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:18,240 Speaker 3: ripest answer of the flirt is like this sort of salacious, 128 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:22,360 Speaker 3: like overt expression of sexual or romantic interest. It can 129 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:25,040 Speaker 3: be there's a time and a place for that. Certainly 130 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:28,679 Speaker 3: if you're in a relationship and you're yeah, the flirt 131 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:31,760 Speaker 3: can help keep some of that aspect of a relationship alive. 132 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:34,960 Speaker 3: And even when you're dating, flirting in the bedroom something 133 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:35,360 Speaker 3: like that. 134 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:36,200 Speaker 4: Love it. 135 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:38,720 Speaker 3: But when you're on a first date, you're with someone 136 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:42,040 Speaker 3: you don't know, or you see someone a party, at 137 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:45,240 Speaker 3: a party, a networking event, out running errands you don't 138 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:48,640 Speaker 3: even know their name, that's that can never be where 139 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:54,600 Speaker 3: you start. It has to start first with connection. So 140 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:58,960 Speaker 3: I the flirt has many varieties in many forms, but 141 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:02,520 Speaker 3: it's ultimately about it exploring those connections platonically, romantically and 142 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:07,040 Speaker 3: with the self. And yeah, depending on the actual connection 143 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,640 Speaker 3: then it can take many different forms. 144 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:12,880 Speaker 2: I'm so interested in this, like how do you flirt 145 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:15,119 Speaker 2: with yourself? Like what's what is that intent? 146 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:18,840 Speaker 3: Oh? So it's like how you are showing up to 147 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:23,000 Speaker 3: the flirt, Like it's because I am part of my 148 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:26,680 Speaker 3: story is a lifelong introvert. I still am introverted in 149 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:30,720 Speaker 3: many ways. I've had social anxiety my entire life. So 150 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:34,680 Speaker 3: just making connections, let alone flirting, hasn't been easy. But 151 00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,760 Speaker 3: so much about the flirt is how you show up 152 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:43,000 Speaker 3: and what's going on and your mind. Are you judging yourself? 153 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:46,119 Speaker 3: Are you being critical of yourself? Are you rejecting yourself? 154 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:50,079 Speaker 3: Are you bringing past stories and experiences into the flirt? 155 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:53,160 Speaker 3: So the connection with the self as it's related to 156 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:57,240 Speaker 3: flirting is about how you are showing up because you 157 00:08:57,559 --> 00:09:00,040 Speaker 3: are a critical part of the flo. 158 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:03,600 Speaker 2: Okay, I kind of get that now, I'm like, okay, 159 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:06,960 Speaker 2: so the relationship, like how you kind of flirt with 160 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,920 Speaker 2: yourself is by I mean guessing, like flooting with others. 161 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:12,960 Speaker 2: But by doing that, it brings a sense of confidence 162 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:15,520 Speaker 2: and it brings a sense of empowerment that maybe you 163 00:09:15,559 --> 00:09:18,760 Speaker 2: previously don't have. Like I'm showing up to this experience, 164 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:21,040 Speaker 2: I'm going to just give it a go. I'm going 165 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:24,439 Speaker 2: to just put myself out there and like a previous 166 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,800 Speaker 2: version of myself may have been worried about rejection, but 167 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:29,920 Speaker 2: this version of myself that I want to create is 168 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:30,880 Speaker 2: not someone who does. 169 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:32,040 Speaker 4: Is that kind of what it's like? 170 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:35,559 Speaker 3: Yeah, I can very much be that, and I think 171 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:39,840 Speaker 3: like everyone listening is like some other ways to flirt 172 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:42,880 Speaker 3: with yourself are right to wear something that really makes 173 00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:45,120 Speaker 3: you feel good, a favorite color, or you're playing with 174 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:48,400 Speaker 3: your style, your makeup, your hair could be like it 175 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:52,160 Speaker 3: could be flirting with your with your positive self talk 176 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:54,440 Speaker 3: or your affirmations. You could even take it in the 177 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:57,360 Speaker 3: direction of like you're flirting with new habits. Yeah, you're 178 00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:59,680 Speaker 3: flirting with a new I don't know, cooking class or 179 00:09:59,679 --> 00:10:03,080 Speaker 3: something like that. Yeah, so there's lots of ways to 180 00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:06,320 Speaker 3: then open up the flirt and think of it. Yeah, 181 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:09,240 Speaker 3: bring it into kind of all aspects of your life. 182 00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:12,959 Speaker 3: But it's I love it as a tool for self 183 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:16,000 Speaker 3: discovery and just to help people get to know themselves better. 184 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:20,120 Speaker 3: And so when you're showing up to the flirt, it's like, like, 185 00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:22,840 Speaker 3: what are those thoughts? It's like, is it I'm too 186 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:25,360 Speaker 3: weird or I'm too awkward, or I'm not like I 187 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:28,680 Speaker 3: don't look good enough, or like what is it it's happening? 188 00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:31,040 Speaker 3: Or maybe you're feeling super super good You're like I 189 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:34,640 Speaker 3: got this. Yeah you have like your opening line or 190 00:10:34,679 --> 00:10:37,520 Speaker 3: your pickup line or something like that. So it's ultimately, 191 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:42,920 Speaker 3: I think a great way to build self awareness around 192 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:47,080 Speaker 3: how you like to connect. And yeah, with that self awareness, 193 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:51,040 Speaker 3: you can, you know, then you can take action on 194 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:54,880 Speaker 3: sort of what's happening, what's coming up, what thoughts are 195 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:56,560 Speaker 3: you having and why. 196 00:10:57,559 --> 00:11:00,840 Speaker 2: So I feel like some people are definitely more flirtatious 197 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:04,000 Speaker 2: than others. Do you think like that comes down to 198 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:07,400 Speaker 2: personality or does it just come down to sheer confidence? 199 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:10,640 Speaker 2: Like a sheer, willingness or not even willingness, just an 200 00:11:10,679 --> 00:11:14,720 Speaker 2: ability to, yeah, you know, potentially be rejected or to 201 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:18,320 Speaker 2: be feel embarrassed or whatever it is. 202 00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:18,520 Speaker 4: Like it. 203 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:21,000 Speaker 2: Do you think it's personality? Do you think it's confidence? 204 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:25,080 Speaker 2: What really makes some people more tapped into the flirt as. 205 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:25,400 Speaker 4: You call it. 206 00:11:26,559 --> 00:11:29,160 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a good question. I think I think everyone 207 00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:33,200 Speaker 3: has an inner flirt and when it comes to yeah, 208 00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:35,560 Speaker 3: you see people that seem like they just have this 209 00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:40,959 Speaker 3: natural flirt confidence about them. I think sometimes it could 210 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,800 Speaker 3: be more innate, you know, if it's someone that is 211 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:48,079 Speaker 3: more extroverted, if it's someone that is totally cool and 212 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:51,720 Speaker 3: loves receiving attention, because that's part of the flirt too, 213 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:56,000 Speaker 3: as you're giving attention energy to someone else, sharing that 214 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,720 Speaker 3: but then looking to receive it back. So some people love, 215 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:02,080 Speaker 3: they love giving a compliment because they know they're going 216 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:04,840 Speaker 3: to get some attention back. That could be part of it. 217 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:10,040 Speaker 3: Some people have, you know, humor that just lends itself 218 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:13,880 Speaker 3: more to that kind of end the moment, right, they're 219 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:16,160 Speaker 3: not so much in their heads. But I think what 220 00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:19,760 Speaker 3: truly makes a natural flirt a sort of quote unquote 221 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:25,600 Speaker 3: natural flirt is not how they look or anything like that. 222 00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:30,439 Speaker 3: It's their ability to just get out of their head 223 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:36,120 Speaker 3: with the flirt and not second get them second guests 224 00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:38,160 Speaker 3: themselves in the moment. It really does a lot of 225 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,240 Speaker 3: times come down to confidence and. 226 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:41,000 Speaker 4: How do you do that? 227 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:44,960 Speaker 2: Like, if you're someone who wants the opportunities brought on 228 00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:48,720 Speaker 2: by flirting, like the playfulness, like maybe more collection, or 229 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:53,040 Speaker 2: like the ability to kind of express romantic interests and 230 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:56,720 Speaker 2: have that like reciprocated, what are someone like the strategies 231 00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:58,600 Speaker 2: that maybe you have used or you've seen other people 232 00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:01,960 Speaker 2: use to get themselves out of their heads into the present, 233 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:02,840 Speaker 2: into the situation. 234 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:07,240 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's my motto at the hit the open of 235 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:10,360 Speaker 3: all of all my podcasts episodes, to get out of 236 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:12,600 Speaker 3: your head and into the flirt. To stop thinking your 237 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,800 Speaker 3: way through the flirt, more so feel your way through 238 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:16,920 Speaker 3: the flirt. And I think one way you do that 239 00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:22,040 Speaker 3: is by opening up your experience of flirting and your 240 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:25,080 Speaker 3: idea of what flirting is, your concept of what flirting is, 241 00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:29,560 Speaker 3: and look to make those connections with everyone, regardless of 242 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:32,320 Speaker 3: whether or not you think they're hot. Right, you want 243 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:35,080 Speaker 3: someone to give you attention back. You see someone that 244 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:37,320 Speaker 3: has piqued your interest that now you want to go 245 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,120 Speaker 3: on a date with or you want to hook up 246 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:42,080 Speaker 3: with whatever. If you're going into the flirt with this 247 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:45,600 Speaker 3: very narrow minded point of view of who you think 248 00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:48,040 Speaker 3: this person is, and you're already assuming the role that 249 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,679 Speaker 3: you want them to play in your life because of 250 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:56,600 Speaker 3: how they look, let's just say, well, it's just the 251 00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:00,000 Speaker 3: flirt may not be received that way, first of all, 252 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:02,400 Speaker 3: but then also you're very much limiting yourself to the 253 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,760 Speaker 3: types of flirts you can experience and to the types 254 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,280 Speaker 3: of people that you're going to flirt and then connect with. 255 00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:12,559 Speaker 3: So I love just opening up people's idea of what 256 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:15,800 Speaker 3: the flirt is, the role it can serve in their lives, 257 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:20,960 Speaker 3: being that it's ultimately all about connection. It's playful, it's 258 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:24,400 Speaker 3: an energetic exchange. Sometimes I describe it as an act 259 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:29,960 Speaker 3: of service. It really is that it's an opportunity for 260 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:35,720 Speaker 3: you to learn some incredible things about someone else, about yourself. 261 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:40,040 Speaker 3: And so if you're struggling with confidence or you just 262 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,200 Speaker 3: feel like you don't have the confidence to do that, 263 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:45,520 Speaker 3: think about the times in your life when you have 264 00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:49,160 Speaker 3: made connections just in the moment, could be with friends, 265 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,920 Speaker 3: and maybe you don't consider that a flirt, but connection 266 00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:56,720 Speaker 3: is connection nonetheless, and so you've proven to yourself that 267 00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:57,320 Speaker 3: you can do it. 268 00:14:58,760 --> 00:14:59,400 Speaker 4: I really like. 269 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:03,480 Speaker 2: That lower firstly lowering your expectation, not even lowering, but 270 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:07,720 Speaker 2: changing your expectations around what's flirting actually is and the 271 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:11,880 Speaker 2: desired outcome, like going into it being like, Okay, well 272 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:13,960 Speaker 2: this is more about me than it is about them 273 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:17,040 Speaker 2: as of right now, Like this is a this is 274 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:19,080 Speaker 2: a confidence building thing for me. I'm just going to 275 00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:23,440 Speaker 2: try and do it, and then the outcome is whatever 276 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:26,960 Speaker 2: it is, whatever it is, like it's a learning process. 277 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:28,080 Speaker 4: Mm hmm. 278 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,760 Speaker 2: I want to talk about some more like practical ways 279 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:35,800 Speaker 2: to flirt, okay, okay, so and maybe this is like 280 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,840 Speaker 2: very I want it to be very specifically, what do 281 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:40,360 Speaker 2: you think of the most effective ways of flirting, whether 282 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:44,920 Speaker 2: it's like asking questions like physical, what in your mind 283 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:47,040 Speaker 2: and your experience really works. 284 00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:52,160 Speaker 3: So I love starting with alert styles I think can 285 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:55,720 Speaker 3: be super useful. This is something that came from the 286 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:59,680 Speaker 3: University of Kansas. It's there's published published research on this, 287 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:03,560 Speaker 3: like there's actually been four or five, but I've really 288 00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:07,840 Speaker 3: distilled them down into four flirt styles where there's playful, sincere, traditional, 289 00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:10,720 Speaker 3: and physical, and I think I would even add a 290 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:14,560 Speaker 3: fifth now, most recently, the demure flirt. If you're on 291 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:18,920 Speaker 3: social media, you have probably seen that trend. So I 292 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:24,440 Speaker 3: think knowing your flirt style can be super, super helpful. 293 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:31,200 Speaker 3: And then it comes back to working the flirt nonverbally 294 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:35,640 Speaker 3: and verbally. So ultimately, with flirt styles, it's how do 295 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:37,960 Speaker 3: you like to express interest in somebody? How you like 296 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:42,400 Speaker 3: to connect? Do you like I'm very much a playful flirt. 297 00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:44,720 Speaker 3: I have elements of sincere. We have elements of all 298 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:47,880 Speaker 3: of them, but you probably have one or two that 299 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:52,000 Speaker 3: are more dominant. So I'm very playful. I use lots 300 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:55,200 Speaker 3: of body language, hand motions. I'm very expressive with my 301 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:58,360 Speaker 3: eyes and my face. I play with my tone of voice, 302 00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:01,160 Speaker 3: so I bring a lot of play elements. I bring 303 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,920 Speaker 3: some humor into it, and then I pair that with 304 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:09,280 Speaker 3: sincerity where I am asking genuine questions, I'm practicing active listening. 305 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,560 Speaker 3: I'm offering compliments that are non physical. 306 00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:16,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, can you break down those those four flat styles? 307 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:18,640 Speaker 2: Like my profile? Because I feel like I get where 308 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:20,760 Speaker 2: I get those examples. I was like, yeah, I kind 309 00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:22,840 Speaker 2: of can think of some examples of sincere and of 310 00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:25,639 Speaker 2: playful and of physical. But what are some of the 311 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:29,280 Speaker 2: more detailed criteria or kind of characteristics of each of 312 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:30,000 Speaker 2: those styles. 313 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:34,239 Speaker 3: Yeah, so playful is is the type of flirt that 314 00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:38,200 Speaker 3: is going to lean more towards humor. You might even 315 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:41,280 Speaker 3: like roast someone a little bit. If this is someone 316 00:17:41,359 --> 00:17:44,280 Speaker 3: you know, kind of well, you're gonna be very just 317 00:17:44,359 --> 00:17:50,119 Speaker 3: overall playful and expressive, probably in your demeanor since the 318 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:55,920 Speaker 3: sincere flirt really likes to ask questions and offer compliments, 319 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:58,439 Speaker 3: like this is the person that is like maybe they 320 00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:03,000 Speaker 3: don't bring a ton of humor or jokes to the flirt, 321 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:07,639 Speaker 3: but they are, like they're in it. They're asking those 322 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,479 Speaker 3: those questions so they can really get to know you 323 00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:15,399 Speaker 3: and understand you better. The traditional flirt is this style 324 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:19,000 Speaker 3: of flirt is like it's like sort of like quote 325 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:22,000 Speaker 3: unquote playing it safe a little bit, but that's not 326 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,160 Speaker 3: how I want to describe it. Like they really follow 327 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:27,480 Speaker 3: a lot of traditional conventions when it comes to getting 328 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:30,399 Speaker 3: to know someone, so kind of like hello, how are you? 329 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:32,760 Speaker 3: My name is like they're not really going to be 330 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,800 Speaker 3: touchy feely or looking to give a hug or something 331 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:38,199 Speaker 3: like that. They're sort of going to really respect a 332 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:43,560 Speaker 3: lot of boundaries in a sense right of way, and 333 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,679 Speaker 3: it can give the illusion of a slower burned style 334 00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:49,440 Speaker 3: of flirt. But this is just how this person likes 335 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:50,800 Speaker 3: to express interest. 336 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:52,240 Speaker 4: This is so interesting. 337 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:57,280 Speaker 2: Of course, that is so interesting because that sounds like 338 00:18:57,480 --> 00:18:59,440 Speaker 2: spot on, like my pot not like when we first 339 00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:02,199 Speaker 2: outed dating. I was like, you even into me, but 340 00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,159 Speaker 2: he would do things like, oh, open the door for me, 341 00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:08,960 Speaker 2: buy me flowers. But then I would be like, you 342 00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:12,200 Speaker 2: know then I remember, like on maybe after that date, 343 00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:13,919 Speaker 2: he like gave me a hug and it was like 344 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:18,119 Speaker 2: the most awkward hug I've ever had because it's just 345 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:20,679 Speaker 2: like not what he was used to and he's like, 346 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:22,800 Speaker 2: but he is definitely like, it's so funny listening to 347 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:25,160 Speaker 2: this thing, like, oh, yeah, he's totally traditional and very 348 00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:28,000 Speaker 2: much like Sincere, where he will be like doing all 349 00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:30,240 Speaker 2: the things that you would expect from like a gentleman 350 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:31,760 Speaker 2: in like the nineteen thirties. 351 00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:35,000 Speaker 3: Yeah, so there. I think that's probably his flirt style 352 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:36,760 Speaker 3: traditional with ells of sincere. 353 00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:39,440 Speaker 4: Yeah, which is interesting. Sorry I interrupted. 354 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:42,919 Speaker 3: And the last one is oh, the last one is physical, 355 00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:45,640 Speaker 3: and this one, like our minds tend to go right 356 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:47,800 Speaker 3: to oh, this is the person that is like giving 357 00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:52,840 Speaker 3: physical compliments right away. They're being very touchy feely to 358 00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:55,080 Speaker 3: an extent. Yes, like when this is someone you get 359 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:57,600 Speaker 3: to know, but right away in an initial flirt, this 360 00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:00,760 Speaker 3: is someone that I feel like brings just a lot 361 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:04,520 Speaker 3: of physical energy. They're very animated, Like with their body language, 362 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,840 Speaker 3: they're going to be very open, I think a little 363 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:09,040 Speaker 3: bit more relaxed. They may do a little bit of 364 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:11,080 Speaker 3: like touching you on top of the shoulder, sort of 365 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:15,200 Speaker 3: nudging their shoulder into yours, like they're gonna gravitate, gravitate 366 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:20,800 Speaker 3: towards some touch, probably as a means to express interest, 367 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:24,720 Speaker 3: but that can be conveyed in a one dimensional way, 368 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:28,320 Speaker 3: even though if it's not meaning to be like intended 369 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,040 Speaker 3: as like hey, I want you kind of thing. 370 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:30,800 Speaker 4: Yeah. 371 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:33,359 Speaker 2: And then the demure flood, which is this new one that. 372 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,560 Speaker 3: You've yeah this recently. 373 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:38,040 Speaker 2: Is it something you've just recently introduced based on like 374 00:20:38,119 --> 00:20:41,120 Speaker 2: the trendy. 375 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:42,320 Speaker 3: Yes, exactly that I think it. I think it'd be 376 00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:45,560 Speaker 3: a very fun flip fifth flirt style where this is 377 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:49,280 Speaker 3: the flirt that's very mindful, right, very respectable, very approachable. 378 00:20:49,359 --> 00:20:51,560 Speaker 3: I kind of getting like, you know, the flirt that's 379 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,840 Speaker 3: like a little bit more laid back, sort of come 380 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,880 Speaker 3: to me kind of thing, but I see them as 381 00:20:56,960 --> 00:21:00,360 Speaker 3: also bringing a lot of sincere and playful elements too, 382 00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:04,120 Speaker 3: So maybe the demure is a combination of playful and sincere. 383 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:07,560 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so interesting, like hearing you say these and 384 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,320 Speaker 2: being like they a lot of them are kind of 385 00:21:09,359 --> 00:21:12,960 Speaker 2: aligned with like our love languages, right, like yeah, you know, 386 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:17,680 Speaker 2: acts of service being traditional, like words of affirmation being sincere, 387 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:22,520 Speaker 2: physical touch being physical, which is very and I feel 388 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:24,760 Speaker 2: like and that's what you were explaining before, where it's 389 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:27,119 Speaker 2: like there is no way to go about like showing 390 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:30,879 Speaker 2: interest in someone does sometimes need to be a combination, 391 00:21:31,359 --> 00:21:34,200 Speaker 2: but you start small. It's like asking a question. I 392 00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:37,640 Speaker 2: feel like the thing that really holds people back from 393 00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:41,200 Speaker 2: outwardly flirting is being embarrassed about being called out. 394 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:42,000 Speaker 4: By it for it. 395 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,680 Speaker 2: It's like, yes, rejection is a component. It's like someone 396 00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:49,480 Speaker 2: just not reciprocating, but it's also like, okay, someone has 397 00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,720 Speaker 2: noticed that I'm doing it and is then turned off 398 00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:54,960 Speaker 2: by that. But what you were saying is like it 399 00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,920 Speaker 2: can be so small, like just asking a really sincere 400 00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:01,359 Speaker 2: question is a way of like embracing the flood or 401 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:05,040 Speaker 2: like being like very demure and very much like, ah, 402 00:22:05,119 --> 00:22:08,440 Speaker 2: I want you to come and chase be in a way. 403 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:13,240 Speaker 2: Also another great example, So do you think that it's 404 00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:15,960 Speaker 2: better to be like more subtle or more obvious when 405 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:16,960 Speaker 2: it comes to flooding. 406 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:25,119 Speaker 3: I think it depends, Like it could like the alert 407 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:29,920 Speaker 3: in that way could follow more heteronormative gender roles. If 408 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,200 Speaker 3: it's like, well, the guy's going to approach the woman 409 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:34,640 Speaker 3: kind of thing, and so like the woman is then 410 00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:37,520 Speaker 3: giving some of those signals with some body language, some 411 00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:41,119 Speaker 3: eye contact right, pulling the eye contact away maybe like 412 00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:43,640 Speaker 3: the hair gets tucked behind the ear, and then it's 413 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:46,359 Speaker 3: sort of like like I don't know, tongue, I don't know, 414 00:22:46,359 --> 00:22:48,280 Speaker 3: bite the bottom lip or something like some of these 415 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:53,000 Speaker 3: sort of traditional expressions of nonverbal interest we may think of. 416 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:58,200 Speaker 3: But it's like from what I hear and and doing 417 00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:02,080 Speaker 3: the work that I do, it's like I think everyone 418 00:23:02,119 --> 00:23:07,040 Speaker 3: can approach everybody, but it starts with the point of 419 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:10,040 Speaker 3: connection and then letting it build from there, and it 420 00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:13,359 Speaker 3: can build quickly. It's not like you have to stay 421 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:18,840 Speaker 3: in this neutral space of connection forever. But like to 422 00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:23,520 Speaker 3: what you're saying, it's you never know where someone is 423 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:26,040 Speaker 3: at how they're what they're thinking about, how they're feeling 424 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:28,680 Speaker 3: it on any given day, if they're up to receive 425 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:32,040 Speaker 3: a flirt, and so just working your way into it, 426 00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:35,359 Speaker 3: I think is a great ultimately a great strategy, especially 427 00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:37,320 Speaker 3: if this is someone you don't know, You're just out 428 00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:38,919 Speaker 3: in public somewhere, you're at an. 429 00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:42,919 Speaker 2: Event, and I do see, I really do see what 430 00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:45,679 Speaker 2: you mean. It's like starting subtle also gives them time 431 00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:49,240 Speaker 2: to reciprocate in a way, yes, yes, what I mean, 432 00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:52,520 Speaker 2: especially like, Okay, if you're listening to this episode and 433 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:54,520 Speaker 2: you like have someone in mind, You're like, Okay, I 434 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:57,760 Speaker 2: want to start approaching this person. I am interested in them, 435 00:23:57,800 --> 00:23:59,440 Speaker 2: and I want them to know that, like I'm kind 436 00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:05,080 Speaker 2: of open to it. Starting subtle and small kind of 437 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:08,159 Speaker 2: test that, and it tests that they're going that it 438 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:12,960 Speaker 2: is a mutual feeling rather than sometimes you know, a 439 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:16,840 Speaker 2: more obvious common where there is a lot more space 440 00:24:17,119 --> 00:24:21,399 Speaker 2: to be rejected or maybe even embarrassed to go for 441 00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:23,000 Speaker 2: it and to have them be like no, I don't 442 00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:25,520 Speaker 2: think of you that way. Maybe, like that's another way 443 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:29,639 Speaker 2: of like conceptualizing flirting. It's like it's like testing the 444 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:34,639 Speaker 2: waters a little bit yeah, before ultimately pursuing them. Have 445 00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:36,640 Speaker 2: you found that to be like the case with people 446 00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:38,399 Speaker 2: that you've spoken to or in your work. 447 00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:42,840 Speaker 3: Oh yeah, absolutely. It's like, yeah, if you are looking 448 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:46,840 Speaker 3: to explore some more romantic interest, like, if that is 449 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:50,120 Speaker 3: part of your intention with the flirt, it's like you've 450 00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:52,760 Speaker 3: got to you've got to start somewhere, and it could 451 00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:55,600 Speaker 3: be you know, we're talking a lot about in person examples, 452 00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:57,439 Speaker 3: but if it's online, if you're on the apps, if 453 00:24:57,480 --> 00:25:01,480 Speaker 3: you're on social media, you want to slide into someone DMS, 454 00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:06,560 Speaker 3: it's like if you go in to the flirt right 455 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:09,919 Speaker 3: away with those expectations of I want this person to 456 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:12,679 Speaker 3: receive this flirt in this particular way, I want my 457 00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:16,480 Speaker 3: interest to be reciprocated in this particular way. Well, ultimately 458 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:20,160 Speaker 3: you're flirting with another person and there's no guarantee that 459 00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:22,639 Speaker 3: that's gonna happen, and so then maybe you are feeling 460 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,199 Speaker 3: rejected or you're feeling like you fumbled the flirt or 461 00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:30,600 Speaker 3: like it just didn't go well. But it's like starting 462 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:36,520 Speaker 3: a little bit more subtly making that connection first, expressing 463 00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:40,440 Speaker 3: that interest, having that interest received and reciprocated, and then 464 00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:43,440 Speaker 3: you get the flirt back, and like you can have 465 00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:46,760 Speaker 3: a lot of fun in this initial phase. It's not 466 00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:48,520 Speaker 3: as if you're going up to someone and just be 467 00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:52,080 Speaker 3: like hello, Like it's like that's you know, we're not 468 00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:55,360 Speaker 3: just going with small talk some back and forth banter here. 469 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:59,920 Speaker 3: The flirt is it's really about energy. It's about vibe 470 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:03,879 Speaker 3: as well. It's much much more than just you know, 471 00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:04,879 Speaker 3: talking about the weather. 472 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:08,760 Speaker 4: I really really yeah. 473 00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:11,639 Speaker 2: I I also feel like when I was flooding a 474 00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:16,680 Speaker 2: lot more like romantically, it really was like, Okay, it's 475 00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:19,040 Speaker 2: not really about you. It's about the energy that I'm 476 00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:22,520 Speaker 2: going to bring and hope and like not even hoping, 477 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:25,440 Speaker 2: but knowing that what that is that's going to be contagious, 478 00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:28,680 Speaker 2: and also being like okay, if I'm going to step 479 00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:30,440 Speaker 2: into this situation. I talk about this a lot on 480 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:32,720 Speaker 2: the show of like the golden orb theory, which is 481 00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:35,960 Speaker 2: my idea that if he visualizes like big golden orb 482 00:26:36,119 --> 00:26:39,320 Speaker 2: like coming out of you and encircling everyone around you 483 00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:44,119 Speaker 2: with each breath, it's like propelling confidence. It's propelling all 484 00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:48,320 Speaker 2: of this like good vibrant energy, and everyone that it 485 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:51,040 Speaker 2: touches will immediately like you. That's like the kind of 486 00:26:51,119 --> 00:26:53,679 Speaker 2: energy that I really like to bring to the situations. 487 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:56,920 Speaker 2: And it was interesting because it's also a really great 488 00:26:56,920 --> 00:27:00,760 Speaker 2: way of discerning, you know, whether people are actually kind 489 00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:04,000 Speaker 2: of at your level in a sense, like whether they're 490 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:06,080 Speaker 2: going to be a good match. Because if you know, 491 00:27:06,119 --> 00:27:07,960 Speaker 2: you've got someone who's like you're putting out all this 492 00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:10,520 Speaker 2: really great energy and they're just not really picking it 493 00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:13,880 Speaker 2: up and reciprocating it, or even just not even noticing it, 494 00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:17,760 Speaker 2: or even the worst case scenario, like not enjoying it, 495 00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,399 Speaker 2: it's kind of like, well, okay, this stopped me from 496 00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:24,800 Speaker 2: going really really slow and cautiously and you know, only 497 00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:28,640 Speaker 2: asking questions and trying to like toe the line between 498 00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:32,040 Speaker 2: expressing romantic interests and six months later realizing that this 499 00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:35,440 Speaker 2: person is probably not for me, versus kind of again 500 00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:40,000 Speaker 2: putting it like putting it out there, yeah, and seeing 501 00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:43,320 Speaker 2: what they take for themselves or what they kind of 502 00:27:43,359 --> 00:27:45,560 Speaker 2: hand back to me. Do you have any other like 503 00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:48,719 Speaker 2: confidence tricks like that kind of instance of like a 504 00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:52,959 Speaker 2: hack to immediately like be in the mindset that is 505 00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:56,199 Speaker 2: ready to embrace the flow or ready to float no 506 00:27:56,240 --> 00:28:00,159 Speaker 2: matter the outcome. Do you have any like tricks for 507 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:03,040 Speaker 2: people to get into that state of mind, were they're 508 00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:04,480 Speaker 2: prepared and willing to give it a go. 509 00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:08,880 Speaker 3: Yeah, I think I do, and I hope I hope 510 00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:12,199 Speaker 3: everyone listening will like this, as I know, like oftentimes 511 00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:15,160 Speaker 3: you think about the flirt as you're dating or you're 512 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:18,280 Speaker 3: in a relationship, and so it oftentimes goes in the 513 00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:22,040 Speaker 3: direction of romantic of expressing romantic interest, and so like, 514 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:25,280 Speaker 3: let's just say you're out one night with friends, like 515 00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:27,800 Speaker 3: you're dancing and you see someone that's super right, you 516 00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:31,320 Speaker 3: find really attractive. You maybe seeing them around a few times, 517 00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:34,120 Speaker 3: and you want to go and approach them and flirt, 518 00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:36,920 Speaker 3: but maybe like the last one didn't go well, You're 519 00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:39,960 Speaker 3: you're fearful, you know, oh they're already taken, they're actually 520 00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:42,959 Speaker 3: here with someone and you didn't know, or they are 521 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:46,400 Speaker 3: right their person isn't here, or they're going to reject you, 522 00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:49,480 Speaker 3: and then it can just like sour the rest of 523 00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:52,800 Speaker 3: your night. You're feeling embarrassed, and just like you know, 524 00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:56,040 Speaker 3: I've been in that situation plenty of times, and so 525 00:28:57,120 --> 00:29:00,320 Speaker 3: one thing that I love to work with is thinking 526 00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:03,920 Speaker 3: about the flirt as ultimately an act of service, going 527 00:29:03,960 --> 00:29:06,920 Speaker 3: into it with no expectations. Right, You're not going in 528 00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:10,920 Speaker 3: there expressing romantic interest or intent right away, but just 529 00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:15,760 Speaker 3: looking to bring a smile to someone's face, to uplift 530 00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:18,440 Speaker 3: your mood and their mood, and the process, to have 531 00:29:18,480 --> 00:29:22,040 Speaker 3: a laugh, to share a moment and have it be that, 532 00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:25,440 Speaker 3: have it be truly that in the present moment, and 533 00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:29,160 Speaker 3: you will oftentimes be surprised what unfolds after that. 534 00:29:30,040 --> 00:29:30,840 Speaker 4: I really like that. 535 00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:35,200 Speaker 2: Again, back to there's like lowering your expectations not of yourself, 536 00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:37,680 Speaker 2: but of what someone else might be willing to give back, 537 00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:45,360 Speaker 2: which is really okay. So I want to talk about 538 00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:47,520 Speaker 2: something else here because I think we're talking about flooding 539 00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:50,440 Speaker 2: a lot in the sense of like casual connections people 540 00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:54,080 Speaker 2: you've just met, strangers even How can we incorporate flooding 541 00:29:54,120 --> 00:29:56,840 Speaker 2: into like long term relationships because it's kind of like 542 00:29:57,560 --> 00:29:59,680 Speaker 2: it can't just be something that you only pull out 543 00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:02,440 Speaker 2: when you want to get someone and the listeners you've 544 00:30:02,480 --> 00:30:06,560 Speaker 2: got them, you know, you stop the show. How do 545 00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:10,800 Speaker 2: you kind of keep that as part of a healthy relationship. 546 00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:15,880 Speaker 3: It's a good question because I I've like I've said, 547 00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:20,360 Speaker 3: the flirt is the one thing that you'll have from 548 00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:23,000 Speaker 3: your first meeting, even before the first meeting, all the 549 00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:25,760 Speaker 3: way through the relationship, Like this is the one continuous 550 00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:28,640 Speaker 3: thread that it's going to Like the first date starts 551 00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:31,920 Speaker 3: with the flirt, the second day you get there through 552 00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:34,200 Speaker 3: the flirt, and so on and so on, and should 553 00:30:34,240 --> 00:30:37,440 Speaker 3: it blossom into relationship, the flirt is what is in 554 00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:41,640 Speaker 3: many ways carrying like it's a part of it. It's 555 00:30:41,640 --> 00:30:44,000 Speaker 3: a part of it for sure. And being that the 556 00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:47,720 Speaker 3: flirt is all about connection, So ultimately, how do you 557 00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:51,120 Speaker 3: all like to connect, Like, what is something that you 558 00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:54,040 Speaker 3: both enjoy that is super fun to do. If it's 559 00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:56,240 Speaker 3: a poly your open relationship, that can be part of 560 00:30:56,280 --> 00:30:59,640 Speaker 3: this discussion too. And so it's ultimately doing things that 561 00:30:59,680 --> 00:31:04,240 Speaker 3: make you feel really connected to one another. And so 562 00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:07,680 Speaker 3: sometimes I'll work with couples or one part of the 563 00:31:07,680 --> 00:31:10,240 Speaker 3: couple where they're feeling disconnected and it's because they're not 564 00:31:10,480 --> 00:31:13,600 Speaker 3: having a lot of quality time. It's maybe they don't 565 00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:17,040 Speaker 3: feel considered when they're communicating, right, it's sort of like 566 00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:20,239 Speaker 3: oh yeah, sure, sort of very being brushed off. So 567 00:31:20,320 --> 00:31:24,680 Speaker 3: if you're not feeling truly seen in your relationship, of 568 00:31:24,680 --> 00:31:28,800 Speaker 3: course the flirt it's like that's probably that's going to 569 00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:33,000 Speaker 3: go out the door. So there are some foundational things 570 00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:38,360 Speaker 3: to work on, perhaps around communication, around just understanding one another, 571 00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:45,560 Speaker 3: respecting boundaries, needs like some of that, but flirting can 572 00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:48,840 Speaker 3: also be a huge part of what is going to 573 00:31:48,840 --> 00:31:53,280 Speaker 3: have a relationship be healthy and remain healthy as it's 574 00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:56,320 Speaker 3: a way to connect to one another. And so I 575 00:31:56,360 --> 00:32:00,200 Speaker 3: oftentimes like to share this one example, This is from 576 00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:02,440 Speaker 3: my mom and stepdad, and what they do is they 577 00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:05,800 Speaker 3: got this pack of action figures. That's these little figurines, 578 00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:08,360 Speaker 3: I think from the dollar store here in the States, 579 00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:13,920 Speaker 3: and they hide them all over the house. And maybe 580 00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:16,640 Speaker 3: on these action figures, like there's these little notes or 581 00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:19,960 Speaker 3: maybe like the action figure is like holding something random, 582 00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:22,280 Speaker 3: like a flower from outside, or maybe it has this 583 00:32:22,320 --> 00:32:25,560 Speaker 3: little note that says I love you or something like that. 584 00:32:26,040 --> 00:32:31,880 Speaker 3: Not a ton of time that really went into creating 585 00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:36,800 Speaker 3: this moment of connection. And so I think just exploring, 586 00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:39,360 Speaker 3: you know, maybe that was an example that you really 587 00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:42,000 Speaker 3: like if you're out there listening in a relationship, I 588 00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:47,240 Speaker 3: think it's bringing those really genuine moments of connection into 589 00:32:47,280 --> 00:32:50,200 Speaker 3: the relationship where the whole point is just to say 590 00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:52,719 Speaker 3: I see you, I'm glad you're in my life, I 591 00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:56,200 Speaker 3: love you, And that's the flirt can serve you there. 592 00:32:56,760 --> 00:33:00,760 Speaker 4: Yeah, I really like that idea. That's actually very very sweet. 593 00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:04,480 Speaker 2: It's so cute, I know, it's so cute, and it's 594 00:33:04,520 --> 00:33:09,360 Speaker 2: almost like maybe part of being flirty is being childish 595 00:33:09,440 --> 00:33:13,280 Speaker 2: a little bit and really tapping into that part of 596 00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:15,640 Speaker 2: you that's going to be willing to not be serious 597 00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:17,880 Speaker 2: all the time. Is adult life kind of makes us 598 00:33:17,920 --> 00:33:20,760 Speaker 2: serious and it makes us think about big cushions and 599 00:33:20,840 --> 00:33:24,520 Speaker 2: responsibilities and all these things, and it's like, actually, no, 600 00:33:24,640 --> 00:33:28,920 Speaker 2: get back to like the real innocent, gentle gilly part 601 00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:31,400 Speaker 2: of your relationship and tap into that. And it's so 602 00:33:31,480 --> 00:33:34,800 Speaker 2: cute because my grandparents, who are you know, my grandpa 603 00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:39,000 Speaker 2: is about to turn ninety and he is so flirtatious 604 00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:42,480 Speaker 2: with my grandma' still, and I'm sure like that part 605 00:33:42,480 --> 00:33:44,960 Speaker 2: of their relationship, like the more sexual side of the 606 00:33:45,000 --> 00:33:48,239 Speaker 2: relationship like has probably died down a little bit, but 607 00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:50,600 Speaker 2: you wouldn't be able to tell, because it's like, yeah, 608 00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:54,000 Speaker 2: he's always like, you know, has these gorgeous pet names 609 00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:57,440 Speaker 2: for her. It's like spoiling her. And it's kind of like, Okay, 610 00:33:57,480 --> 00:33:59,680 Speaker 2: I can see that this is actually a deliberate strategy 611 00:33:59,680 --> 00:34:02,520 Speaker 2: that you were using not to keep the love alive. 612 00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:06,760 Speaker 2: But to keep this like spark a flame, yes, rather 613 00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:09,440 Speaker 2: than just something that dwindles. So do you see that 614 00:34:09,520 --> 00:34:11,759 Speaker 2: a lot with couples where it's like, ah, what you're 615 00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:14,840 Speaker 2: really missing here is just finding ways to connect and 616 00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:17,360 Speaker 2: appreciate each other through the flirt. 617 00:34:17,600 --> 00:34:22,160 Speaker 3: It's yeah, because like as sometimes a relationship can become 618 00:34:23,080 --> 00:34:27,640 Speaker 3: really transactional, it's like it's just about doing things for 619 00:34:27,680 --> 00:34:31,080 Speaker 3: one another. If like you're both super busy, you're building careers, 620 00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:33,759 Speaker 3: you're raising a family, perhaps it's just okay, I'm doing this, 621 00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:36,520 Speaker 3: you do this. It just because you're playing your roles 622 00:34:37,280 --> 00:34:40,560 Speaker 3: that serves a purpose to an extent, and this relationship 623 00:34:40,560 --> 00:34:45,520 Speaker 3: becomes very transactional, well then it's like you're two people 624 00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:49,480 Speaker 3: kind of cohabitating perhaps, and it's like where's the flirt, 625 00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:50,480 Speaker 3: where's the romance? 626 00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:52,440 Speaker 2: And I feel like that's just as valuable as all 627 00:34:52,480 --> 00:34:54,120 Speaker 2: the other things that you would do for someone, Like 628 00:34:54,160 --> 00:34:57,480 Speaker 2: I think sometimes the bare bones of a relationship are 629 00:34:57,520 --> 00:35:00,440 Speaker 2: not enough. Showing up for them is great, and like 630 00:35:00,520 --> 00:35:03,680 Speaker 2: doing the dishes is great, and saying I love you 631 00:35:03,840 --> 00:35:07,560 Speaker 2: is great, But even having colleagues bare minimum, it's like 632 00:35:08,120 --> 00:35:10,520 Speaker 2: and sometimes like I was talking to someone about this 633 00:35:10,520 --> 00:35:12,040 Speaker 2: the other day, and she's like, yeah, you know when 634 00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:14,200 Speaker 2: your partner says I love you, but like, you know, 635 00:35:14,239 --> 00:35:16,439 Speaker 2: they don't actually like love you in that moment, They're 636 00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:19,120 Speaker 2: just saying it because they know that they are that 637 00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:22,160 Speaker 2: they love you in general, and it's really like taking 638 00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:24,600 Speaker 2: the time to be like no, like this is a 639 00:35:24,640 --> 00:35:28,200 Speaker 2: conscious decision of mine to be like actively present in 640 00:35:28,239 --> 00:35:31,759 Speaker 2: this relationship and to again something you said earlier, like 641 00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:33,920 Speaker 2: to use this as a service, like this is a 642 00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:38,560 Speaker 2: service to you to keep this relationship alive. So my 643 00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:44,759 Speaker 2: final question is any final tips, tricks, practical advice, pick 644 00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:47,680 Speaker 2: up lines, anything that comes to mind that you think 645 00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:50,840 Speaker 2: can elevate the flirt for people. 646 00:35:53,680 --> 00:35:59,239 Speaker 3: M m, I mean this could be a whole other episode. Yeah, down, 647 00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:03,080 Speaker 3: there's one question. I mean, I think, like hopefully it's 648 00:36:03,080 --> 00:36:05,879 Speaker 3: come through in the interview today that I am very 649 00:36:05,920 --> 00:36:09,000 Speaker 3: playful and I love to have a lot of fun. 650 00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:11,920 Speaker 3: So I think, just coming back to the part of 651 00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:15,080 Speaker 3: the episode about your flirt style, maybe you really relate 652 00:36:15,160 --> 00:36:18,080 Speaker 3: or identify with one of them. I think, reflecting back 653 00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:21,279 Speaker 3: to parts of this episode where we've talked about what 654 00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:23,920 Speaker 3: the flirt is, that it's about connection, that it comes 655 00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:27,480 Speaker 3: without those expectations in the present moment, So having some 656 00:36:27,520 --> 00:36:30,880 Speaker 3: of that flirt framework in place, and then when it 657 00:36:30,920 --> 00:36:35,680 Speaker 3: comes to flirting in real life, it's like, have those 658 00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:40,440 Speaker 3: one or two ways that you like to introduce yourself 659 00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:44,200 Speaker 3: that you like to start initiate the flirt. It can 660 00:36:44,280 --> 00:36:48,480 Speaker 3: be with some eye contact, smiling, that kind of thing. 661 00:36:48,960 --> 00:36:51,359 Speaker 3: So just to give you, like as an example, say 662 00:36:51,400 --> 00:36:53,600 Speaker 3: like I were at the club the club and I 663 00:36:53,640 --> 00:36:56,239 Speaker 3: saw someone cute I wanted to flirt with, and so 664 00:36:56,440 --> 00:36:58,440 Speaker 3: instead of just like going right up tapping them on 665 00:36:58,480 --> 00:36:59,920 Speaker 3: the shoulder like hey, can I buy you a drink 666 00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:03,279 Speaker 3: or something like that, I might, you know, kind of 667 00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:06,879 Speaker 3: make eye contact with them at some point like around 668 00:37:06,960 --> 00:37:09,800 Speaker 3: the bar, on the dance floor, come over to them, 669 00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:13,040 Speaker 3: be like, hey, I saw you looking at me from 670 00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:15,160 Speaker 3: across the way, and then make a joke, oh my god, 671 00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:16,680 Speaker 3: do I still have my name tag on? Or oh 672 00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:18,480 Speaker 3: is my tag on inside out? Is my shirt on 673 00:37:18,520 --> 00:37:20,960 Speaker 3: inside out? Or something like that, and then bring some 674 00:37:21,080 --> 00:37:25,239 Speaker 3: humor into it, hopefully have them smile a laugh, and 675 00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:27,960 Speaker 3: then at that point introduce myself, Hey, my name is Benjamin. 676 00:37:28,320 --> 00:37:31,680 Speaker 4: Yeah, can I go Yeah? And I really really that. 677 00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:35,040 Speaker 3: You're in the flirt at that point, introducing yourself can 678 00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:39,000 Speaker 3: be a part of it, and then detaching from any 679 00:37:39,040 --> 00:37:44,560 Speaker 3: and all expectations at that point, maybe that's all. Maybe 680 00:37:44,560 --> 00:37:47,880 Speaker 3: that's the whole flirt, or maybe we go to the 681 00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:52,520 Speaker 3: dance floor, maybe we go outside and have a and 682 00:37:53,360 --> 00:37:53,920 Speaker 3: talk more. 683 00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:59,040 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I really like that. Who nurse And also 684 00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:02,320 Speaker 2: that sorry, I'm I'm continuing this conversation even though. 685 00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:04,200 Speaker 4: I was last piece, last piece of advice. 686 00:38:04,239 --> 00:38:06,360 Speaker 2: But I will say, like one thing that you just 687 00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:08,680 Speaker 2: mentioned there was like the self deprecating humor as well, 688 00:38:08,719 --> 00:38:11,120 Speaker 2: like if you want to take if you want to 689 00:38:11,160 --> 00:38:15,799 Speaker 2: take the pressure off, maybe you know, just make it, 690 00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:17,680 Speaker 2: make fun of yourself, bring a little bit of like 691 00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:21,480 Speaker 2: lifeness and like, yeah, just lightness to the situation so 692 00:38:21,520 --> 00:38:24,920 Speaker 2: that neither of you feel like, Okay, wait, there's expectations here. 693 00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:27,680 Speaker 2: If this person isn't interested, like they need to immediately 694 00:38:27,719 --> 00:38:30,000 Speaker 2: shut me down or I need to be immediately conscious 695 00:38:30,040 --> 00:38:32,759 Speaker 2: of them not liking it, Like it's it's okay to 696 00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:34,920 Speaker 2: just be a little bit again. I think this is 697 00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:37,080 Speaker 2: a repetitive thing I've been saying and that you've been saying, 698 00:38:37,880 --> 00:38:40,680 Speaker 2: is like just be playful with it. 699 00:38:40,680 --> 00:38:42,560 Speaker 3: It's a big part of it. And the flirt is 700 00:38:42,560 --> 00:38:47,120 Speaker 3: so much it's about possibility, it's about opportunity. And so 701 00:38:47,320 --> 00:38:50,040 Speaker 3: if you find you're putting a lot of pressure on 702 00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:53,520 Speaker 3: yourself to flirt, like even I I'm not in a 703 00:38:53,520 --> 00:38:57,600 Speaker 3: flirting mood all the time. I don't flirt with literally everybody. 704 00:38:57,880 --> 00:38:59,840 Speaker 3: So if you're not feeling up to it, or you 705 00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:02,719 Speaker 3: feel like or someone you think they were flirting with 706 00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:04,640 Speaker 3: you and you didn't pick up on it, or someone 707 00:39:04,680 --> 00:39:06,840 Speaker 3: you wanted to flirt with, and you know now that 708 00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:09,960 Speaker 3: say you're at the club and that time has passed, 709 00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:12,720 Speaker 3: oh my god, I'll never see them again. There's always 710 00:39:12,760 --> 00:39:16,319 Speaker 3: another flirt. You didn't mess it up, It's okay. So 711 00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:19,160 Speaker 3: just take the pressure off yourself. Where sometimes I feel 712 00:39:19,239 --> 00:39:22,160 Speaker 3: like we we feel like we have to perform in 713 00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:23,920 Speaker 3: the flirt, where we have to show up as a 714 00:39:24,040 --> 00:39:26,200 Speaker 3: certain person, where oh, now I want this person to 715 00:39:26,320 --> 00:39:31,359 Speaker 3: see me as sexy or flirty or fun or whatever, 716 00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:34,400 Speaker 3: like what you're gives. You did an episode on this 717 00:39:34,440 --> 00:39:38,719 Speaker 3: somewhat recently about this idea of perception and how we're perceived, 718 00:39:38,880 --> 00:39:42,359 Speaker 3: and I think this happens in the flirt too, where 719 00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:44,880 Speaker 3: sometimes we show up as the way we want to 720 00:39:44,920 --> 00:39:50,000 Speaker 3: be perceived versus showing up as truly ourselves. And this 721 00:39:50,080 --> 00:39:52,560 Speaker 3: is back to the point of connection with the self. 722 00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:56,560 Speaker 3: It's like, yeah, I want you to just show up 723 00:39:56,600 --> 00:39:59,719 Speaker 3: as you, whoever that is, whoever you are, wherever you are, 724 00:40:01,360 --> 00:40:04,719 Speaker 3: it's to be you. Yeah in the world though. 725 00:40:04,920 --> 00:40:06,040 Speaker 4: Yeah, I know, I know. I love that. 726 00:40:06,120 --> 00:40:07,920 Speaker 2: We'd like just be yourself, but it's like, no, it 727 00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:10,799 Speaker 2: takes a while. This is part of it. Yeah, this 728 00:40:10,920 --> 00:40:12,640 Speaker 2: is part of it. Just being like yeah, okay's part 729 00:40:12,680 --> 00:40:15,719 Speaker 2: of it. Yeah, I'm open to whatever happens. Like we 730 00:40:15,760 --> 00:40:18,080 Speaker 2: talk about in the Fear of Being Perceived episode, it's 731 00:40:18,120 --> 00:40:20,920 Speaker 2: like that you need to sometimes the best way to 732 00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:25,160 Speaker 2: get over your fear of rejection is through exposure and 733 00:40:25,440 --> 00:40:28,239 Speaker 2: just being like, Okay, they might not be reciprocated, might 734 00:40:28,239 --> 00:40:30,800 Speaker 2: not reciprocate, and I'll still be okay. So I feel 735 00:40:30,840 --> 00:40:32,560 Speaker 2: like that is a great place to end it. I 736 00:40:32,560 --> 00:40:34,200 Speaker 2: want to say thank you so much for coming on 737 00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:37,560 Speaker 2: for this episode. Where can everyone find you? 738 00:40:38,440 --> 00:40:40,719 Speaker 3: Oh my goodness, I would love for everyone to come 739 00:40:40,719 --> 00:40:45,000 Speaker 3: flirt with me on Flirtstagram, which is Instagram, flirt talk 740 00:40:45,040 --> 00:40:48,600 Speaker 3: which is TikTok, there's flirt tube YouTube. I'm very much 741 00:40:48,600 --> 00:40:54,360 Speaker 3: about branding and my flirtations. New episodes dropping every week 742 00:40:54,440 --> 00:40:57,680 Speaker 3: where I talk about flirting, yes, but also lots of 743 00:40:58,320 --> 00:41:01,480 Speaker 3: dating advice as well. I really focus on in my 744 00:41:01,560 --> 00:41:06,480 Speaker 3: work the flirt through defining that relationship. So this early 745 00:41:06,600 --> 00:41:11,200 Speaker 3: phase of dating where it's like, sometimes what's happening? 746 00:41:12,239 --> 00:41:14,399 Speaker 2: Yeah, I know, it's always always up in the air, 747 00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:17,359 Speaker 2: but that actually I feel like if you're like going 748 00:41:17,440 --> 00:41:19,920 Speaker 2: through a single period at the moment, a low confidence period, 749 00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:24,560 Speaker 2: definitely check out and stuff. It's incredible, it's amazing, And 750 00:41:25,239 --> 00:41:28,000 Speaker 2: as always, if you enjoyed this episode, please feel free 751 00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:30,320 Speaker 2: to give us a follow, leave a five star review 752 00:41:30,840 --> 00:41:33,440 Speaker 2: wherever you are listening right now, maybe share with a 753 00:41:33,480 --> 00:41:37,400 Speaker 2: friend who needs a little bit of advice or you 754 00:41:37,440 --> 00:41:39,719 Speaker 2: know needs to be on flir, Instagram, whatever it is, 755 00:41:40,360 --> 00:41:42,120 Speaker 2: and make sure you go and check out all of 756 00:41:42,160 --> 00:41:46,359 Speaker 2: Ben's work until next week. Stay safe, stay kind, and 757 00:41:46,600 --> 00:41:49,000 Speaker 2: be gentle with yourself. We will talk very very soon.