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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of You

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat and you're listening

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Speaker 1: to couch Talks. Couch Talks is the special bonus episode

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Speaker 1: of You Need Therapy that comes out every single Wednesday,

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Speaker 1: where I answer questions that you guys sent to me

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Speaker 1: and you can send those two Catherine at you Need

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Speaker 1: Therapy podcast dot com. Now, quick reminder before we get

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Speaker 1: started that although this is a podcast hosted by a

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Speaker 1: therapist and I'm answering your questions during this episode, this

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Speaker 1: podcast does not serve as a replacement or a substitute

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Speaker 1: for any actual mental health services. Also, I want to

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Speaker 1: give you guys a reminder if you missed it. On Monday,

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Speaker 1: I announced that I am starting a new segment that

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Speaker 1: is going to pop up every once in a while

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Speaker 1: on couch Talks where you guys share with me your

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Speaker 1: own bagel moments. And if you're unfamiliar with what a

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Speaker 1: bagel moment is, I've now coined this phrase as a

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Speaker 1: moment where you might have overreacted to something that later

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Speaker 1: led you to some kind of discovery of a need

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Speaker 1: or a value, or maybe just a want that wasn't

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Speaker 1: being met In that moment. And if you are like,

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Speaker 1: where the heck did you get the idea to call

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Speaker 1: this a bagel moment, you should listen to last week's

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Speaker 1: episode where I tell the story of me crying over

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Speaker 1: getting the wrong bagel on the first of January this year,

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Speaker 1: and that it led to me learning that there are

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Speaker 1: some things that I need to reconcile, and there are

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Speaker 1: some things that I need to ask for, and guys,

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Speaker 1: I need to actually give myself from credit. Right here,

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Speaker 1: I guess this was Friday. So this past Friday, I

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Speaker 1: had been out doing some things, running some errands because

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Speaker 1: my boyfriend was sick, And on my way home from

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Speaker 1: running these errands, I asked if he wanted food. He

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Speaker 1: said yes. I went to go get him what he wanted.

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Speaker 1: And I got home and I said, I jokingly said,

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Speaker 1: I'm fully prepared to have the wrong order in here

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Speaker 1: and not cry about it, joking because I'm like, there's

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Speaker 1: no way my order is going to be wrong. And

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Speaker 1: I opened it up. What do we see but the

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Speaker 1: exact opposite of what I asked for. It was a sandwich.

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Speaker 1: And not only did the sandwich not have any of

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Speaker 1: the things I asked to be on it. It had

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Speaker 1: the one thing that I was like, do not put

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Speaker 1: this on my sandwich, which was mayonnaise. I cannot stand mayonnaise.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if I need to join a support

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Speaker 1: group for that, but it is to me something that

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Speaker 1: I do not want all my food. Anyway, I took

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Speaker 1: a deep breath. I said, this is so frustrating, and

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Speaker 1: my boyfriend was like, it's okay, it's gonna be okay.

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Speaker 1: I said, I know it's gonna be okay. I need

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Speaker 1: a second, and he said, do you want me to

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Speaker 1: go get you the right order? And I hesitated because

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Speaker 1: I had gotten this food for him because he was

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Speaker 1: not feeling good, so I was doing him a favor.

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Speaker 1: And I sat there and I just said I need

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Speaker 1: to breathe. And he said, I'm gonna go get the

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Speaker 1: right sandwich, and I said, okay, to be honest, I

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Speaker 1: really would like you to do that. And I did

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Speaker 1: the exact opposite of what happened last time when I

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Speaker 1: had the big old situation. He asked if he could help,

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Speaker 1: and I said no, I refused the help, and then

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Speaker 1: it made it worse because if I really actually wanted

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Speaker 1: him to help. So then he went and got me

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Speaker 1: the sandwich that I had asked for. Mind you, they

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Speaker 1: did mess it up again. So they did it again.

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Speaker 1: They put mannies on the sandwich again, and he was like, no,

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Speaker 1: we don't want mannaise on the sandwich. So they had

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Speaker 1: to make it a third time. And well they made

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Speaker 1: it wrong the third time too, But I made it

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Speaker 1: through and I dealt with it and it wasn't as

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Speaker 1: bad and I was able to breathe through it. I

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Speaker 1: was able to breathe through it. I was able to

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Speaker 1: see that I was frustrated again because the experience that

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Speaker 1: I had wanted to not pan out, um that I

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Speaker 1: put effort into something and it didn't work out. I

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Speaker 1: was let down by something, and sometimes life actually does

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Speaker 1: let you down and the sandwich you order isn't as

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Speaker 1: good as you wanted to be. So I didn't expect

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Speaker 1: to be talking about my sand much story today, but

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Speaker 1: I wanted to give you a little bit of an

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Speaker 1: inside scoop into the new segment I want to do.

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Speaker 1: And so if you have not again heard that story,

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Speaker 1: you don't listen to that episode, you can still send

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Speaker 1: in your bagel moments and I want to hear what happened?

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Speaker 1: How did you react and then what did you learn?

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Speaker 1: And we want to share that because what I think

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Speaker 1: is really helpful. And the feedback that I got from

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Speaker 1: everybody was it's really nice to hear a story that

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Speaker 1: everybody won't. Everybody that message me and told me that

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Speaker 1: they related to it can relate to in some way

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Speaker 1: and it might not be the bagel, but it can

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Speaker 1: be something that happened. And you know, we feel less

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Speaker 1: shame when we feel less alone and some of our stuff,

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Speaker 1: and I think that's really important. So send us in

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Speaker 1: Catherine at UNI Therapy podcast dot com. Now let's get

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Speaker 1: to the question. This is a good question. I am

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Speaker 1: very obsessed with this. I almost made it into a

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Speaker 1: whole podcast for a Monday, but it also makes a

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Speaker 1: good Couch Tucks episode. So here's the question. I'm going

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Speaker 1: to read the email. Reminder that these always stay anonymous.

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Speaker 1: I will never share your name, um, and sometimes they

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Speaker 1: even change the information you give me because I want

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Speaker 1: it to be less particular so nobody can figure out

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Speaker 1: who sends season, so everybody can feel safe sending them in.

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Speaker 1: So here is the email. Hey, Kat, I'm a new

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Speaker 1: listener to the show, but have been starting to go

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Speaker 1: back and listening to older episodes so I can catch

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Speaker 1: up and feel like I have been here from the beginning.

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Speaker 1: I want to thank you first because your podcast has

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Speaker 1: given me a lot of helpful information that I can

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Speaker 1: actually understand, even if I have to listen to some

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Speaker 1: of the episodes more than once. A little background on me.

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Speaker 1: I'm in my late twenties and I work in finance.

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Speaker 1: I like my job because I'm pretty good at it

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Speaker 1: and I make good money, but that's not, by any

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Speaker 1: means something that I look forward to or really enjoy

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Speaker 1: or have fun doing. I would say that my life

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Speaker 1: is pretty average. I don't think I'm ugly, but I

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Speaker 1: wouldn't call myself pretty. I don't hate my body, but

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Speaker 1: I definitely do not jump at the chance to where

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Speaker 1: a bathing suit in public. I think I'm a good person,

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Speaker 1: but I don't think there's anything necessarily special about me individually. Again,

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Speaker 1: I see myself as very average. I'm writing to you

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Speaker 1: because I am just in a confused spot. I listened

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Speaker 1: to Monday's episode, and the part where you said people

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Speaker 1: accept the love they think they can get really stuck

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Speaker 1: out to me. I feel like that's true for me,

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Speaker 1: but the problem is I don't really know how to

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Speaker 1: change what I think I can get. Like I said,

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Speaker 1: I don't hate myself. I just feel like I'm pretty average.

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Speaker 1: But I would be lying if I said I didn't

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Speaker 1: want more out of life. I just don't know how

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Speaker 1: to make myself think I can actually get that. Do

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Speaker 1: you have any tips or advice here? Okay? So, like

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Speaker 1: I said, such a good question. Thank you so much

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Speaker 1: for sending this in. I think it's probably something a

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Speaker 1: lot of people are sitting in right now, especially if

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Speaker 1: they had listened to Monday's episode and related to it

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Speaker 1: in any way. So I hear you asking here, this

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Speaker 1: listener asking how do I gain a greater sense of

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Speaker 1: self worth? That's kind of the the depth of the

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Speaker 1: question that I hear inside of this and what we

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Speaker 1: think we can get is attached to our self worth.

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Speaker 1: We have to believe we are worthy of something in

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Speaker 1: order to confidently ask for it or attempt to attain it.

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Speaker 1: It's the basics of positive psychology. If we think we

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Speaker 1: stuck at something, we're more likely to mess up. You know,

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Speaker 1: if you've ever played a sport, and if you're really

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Speaker 1: in your head about something, whether it's um, you've been

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Speaker 1: struggling to make a certain shot, or you know an

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Speaker 1: opponent that you're about to play is really good. You

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Speaker 1: can get in your own head and you visualize yourself

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Speaker 1: messing up more than you visualize yourself actually allowing whatever

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Speaker 1: it is to work out, and you're you play that

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Speaker 1: out now. A hill that I may die on is

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Speaker 1: the conversation around self worth and self esteem. These get

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Speaker 1: very confused, and I think we spend too much time

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Speaker 1: trying to raise people's self esteem rather than teach people

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Speaker 1: about their self worth. It is very possible to have

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Speaker 1: high self esteem yet still not feel like you of

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Speaker 1: self worth because self esteem is believing that you're good

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Speaker 1: at something versus believing that you're good. You earn self esteem.

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Speaker 1: It's not permanent. You have to earn it and continue

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Speaker 1: to earn it. Therefore, it doesn't really do much without

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Speaker 1: self worth attached to it, as almost like a foundation.

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Speaker 1: Self esteem is not bad, but it is something that

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Speaker 1: is most of the time attached to the outside versus

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Speaker 1: the inside of of who somebody really is. Self worth

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Speaker 1: is very inherent. That's what it is you are born

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Speaker 1: with that I'm a good person and I deserve good

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Speaker 1: things for existing versus I am pretty, so I deserve

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Speaker 1: a man to love me, or I am the smartest

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Speaker 1: person in the room, so I deserve respect. And also

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Speaker 1: something to note with this, it doesn't really translate across

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Speaker 1: different aspects of life because not all things are valued

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Speaker 1: in the same way, right, So your looks might get

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Speaker 1: you something in one a new but not another. Your

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Speaker 1: intelligence might get you something in one space but not another.

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Speaker 1: Self esteem is very hinged on what it is that

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Speaker 1: you have and where you are when you have it. Now,

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Speaker 1: the biggest issues I see was solely relying on self esteem. Again,

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Speaker 1: I want to say it's not bad to have. It

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Speaker 1: just is dependent on how much we're relying on it.

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Speaker 1: And the biggest issues are one, you have to constantly

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Speaker 1: chase it. It's something that continues to uh. You have

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Speaker 1: to prove it and show it and earn it too.

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Speaker 1: It changes based on who you're with. Like I said, like,

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Speaker 1: it does not translate through all aspects of life. And three,

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Speaker 1: it doesn't leave room for everybody. If being good is

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Speaker 1: based on achievements, we can't all achieve the same things.

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Speaker 1: We can't all be CEOs, we can't all be the

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Speaker 1: top of the class. We can't all be the fastest,

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Speaker 1: the best of anything. There's only one best, and that

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Speaker 1: only leaves space for a small percentage of people. So

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Speaker 1: then there's a lot of people left, and they're just

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Speaker 1: all walking around like they don't deserve things because they

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Speaker 1: aren't see you, oh they are. They aren't the top

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Speaker 1: of the class, they aren't the best of whatever it is,

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Speaker 1: so that means that they do not deserve X. However,

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Speaker 1: self worth is not built by becoming the funniest or

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Speaker 1: the prettiest, or even by becoming prettier than somebody else

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Speaker 1: in anybody else's eyes. It is an inherent experience that

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Speaker 1: is not attached to productivity or performance of any kind,

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Speaker 1: which naturally is probably very hard for most humans in

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Speaker 1: the capitalist environment that we are in to really hold

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Speaker 1: on to and see a lot of evidence of. So

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Speaker 1: this person asked, how do I start believing that I

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Speaker 1: can get more than I think I can get? Well,

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Speaker 1: if we want to start to believe that we can

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Speaker 1: get more than what we settle for, then we have

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Speaker 1: to unlearn the belief that X equals Why whatever blank

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Speaker 1: is leads to what I can get Blank doesn't make

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Speaker 1: me good. I am good, and I have blank. So

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Speaker 1: let's use intelligence. Intelligence doesn't make me good. I am

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Speaker 1: good and I have intelligence. Those things are separate. They

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Speaker 1: can co exist at the same time, but they don't

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Speaker 1: have to. Now, again, this can be pretty hard because

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Speaker 1: of how much evidence we can come up with that

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Speaker 1: might prove that the old way of thinking is correct.

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Speaker 1: But what we are not doing when we are doing

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Speaker 1: that is seeing the evidence that might disprove that if

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Speaker 1: we focus on the evidence that proves it. That we're

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Speaker 1: not focusing on the evidence that will disprove it. And

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Speaker 1: let me just tell you, we can make arguments for

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Speaker 1: a lot of things that we choose not to make

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Speaker 1: arguments for. This kind of brings back the whole causation

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Speaker 1: versus correlation deal in my brain. Right, So these things

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Speaker 1: that you see connected might be correlated, but did one

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Speaker 1: cause the other? Maybe maybe not. Maybe what caused them

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Speaker 1: was our belief about those things versus actually that thing.

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Speaker 1: So does the intelligence or lack of intelligence, and honest,

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Speaker 1: a certain subject get somebody the partner that they want,

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Speaker 1: or not get the partner that they want, or is

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Speaker 1: it the belief that this is going to lead to

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Speaker 1: this or this is going to not lead to that?

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Speaker 1: Because if I think I cannot attain something, I'm probably

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Speaker 1: not going to show up the same way that I

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Speaker 1: show up when I think I can attain something. Which

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Speaker 1: that's pretty basic. I'm assuming most of you are like

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Speaker 1: kind of shaking your head along with that. But we

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Speaker 1: forget to put that in our heads when it comes

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Speaker 1: to things we want out of our our lives. Now,

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Speaker 1: what I don't want people to do is take this

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Speaker 1: to the extreme, like we tend to do on the

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Speaker 1: Internet and say, oh, well, if I just changed my

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Speaker 1: mind about something, then I control control it now. No,

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is you give

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Speaker 1: yourself a better shot at something that way, When you

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Speaker 1: actually look at something in a different way, in a

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Speaker 1: more positive way, you give yourself a different and maybe

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Speaker 1: a better opportunity to attain something than you would have

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Speaker 1: if you see it through a different lens. So people

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Speaker 1: tend to forget that we are the people like people

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Speaker 1: put meaning to things versus the meaning creates us, Like

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Speaker 1: we put meaning to things, and we can actually be

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Speaker 1: in charge of that. I make meanings out of the

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Speaker 1: judgments that come to my head. So what I would

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Speaker 1: say to anybody who's struggling with this as well is

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Speaker 1: become very aware of what you believe, What do you

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Speaker 1: believe about yourself? What do you believe about other people?

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Speaker 1: What are the differences in that? And then become very

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Speaker 1: aware of how you think life works, what exces lead

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Speaker 1: to wise then ask yourself, as this true or am

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Speaker 1: I allowing it to be true? Where can I actually

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Speaker 1: find evidence that supports us? Where can I actually find

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Speaker 1: evidence that disproves this? And this kind of thing is

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Speaker 1: something that I would really encourage someone to seek individual

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Speaker 1: therapy out for. There's so much inside of the email

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Speaker 1: that I got from this listener, and a lot of

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Speaker 1: coaches and even some therapists out there might try to

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Speaker 1: sell you an easy access general process to change this

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Speaker 1: or fix this. But what I think this question deserves

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Speaker 1: is some intentional individual time. The truth is, yes, we

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Speaker 1: are all very very worthy and inherently nothing makes one

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Speaker 1: person better than the other or more deserving of love

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Speaker 1: and belonging than another. But the way we learn that

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Speaker 1: and the way we unlearn that can be very niche

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Speaker 1: and individual. And it's not something I can shift and

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Speaker 1: change by talking at you. It's something that requires your

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Speaker 1: participation in your experience in you have to be involved

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Speaker 1: in that process. So this is a jumping off point,

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Speaker 1: as most of these questions um that come to me

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Speaker 1: are I give you jumping off points. So I would

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Speaker 1: start with answering those questions, become aware of what you believe,

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Speaker 1: what do you believe about yourself, and what do you

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Speaker 1: believe about other people, and then also become very aware

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Speaker 1: of how do you think life works, what excess the

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Speaker 1: lead to wise, where are you kind of putting causation

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Speaker 1: where it just might be correlation, and then you're attaching

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Speaker 1: meaning to that, and then the untime from there. So

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Speaker 1: I encourage anybody who's struggling with that to dive into

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Speaker 1: those questions and then if it's possible for you, seek

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Speaker 1: out somebody that can help you kind of see the

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Speaker 1: blind spots through those questions. Let's sit along, signed to

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Speaker 1: you and and kind of guide you through. I'm teasing

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Speaker 1: those out. So I hope this sparked ideas and questions

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Speaker 1: that are going to lead anyone who is relating to

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Speaker 1: this towards working to the answers that you're looking for.

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Speaker 1: As always, I hope this is helpful in some way

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Speaker 1: to all of you guys. Reminder that you can send

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Speaker 1: in your questions to me Catherine at you Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: Podcast dot com and don't forget those big old moments.

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Speaker 1: I can't wait to feed those. And then you can

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Speaker 1: follow me at Cat dot de fata on Instagram and

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Speaker 1: at you Need Therapy Podcast on Instagram as well. I

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Speaker 1: hope you guys are having the day that you need

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Speaker 1: to have and I will talk to you guys on

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Speaker 1: Monday