Speaker 1: The Nicky Glaser Podcast Naser, He's Nikki. Hello here I am.
Speaker 1: It's a Nicki Laser podcast. It is Tuesday. I hope
Speaker 1: you all had a great Labor Day weekend is before
Speaker 1: the weekend right now that I'm recording this. Um, so
Speaker 1: it has yours hasn't happened yet. But I'm astral projecting
Speaker 1: and you to have the best one, which sounds like
Speaker 1: I'm asking. I want you guys have diarrhea once you're
Speaker 1: asked to project, probably some of you will. For Labor Day.
Speaker 1: Labor Day was sneaks up on you. I mean it
Speaker 1: does mean Memorial Day equals beginning of summer. Labor Day
Speaker 1: equals no fun, school starting again, like a different kind
Speaker 1: of hot outside. Pools are closing last weekend of pools.
Speaker 1: I know that's not the case anymore because it's so
Speaker 1: hot all the time and people can leave their pools later.
Speaker 1: But um, what do you guys have planned for Labor
Speaker 1: Day weekend? Um? Do you have anything went on? I'm
Speaker 1: going to a wedding in Chicago from my first cousin
Speaker 1: for your first cousin ever. No, it could be, honestly,
Speaker 1: I mean, are they going to make it? Let me
Speaker 1: do they pass my test? Are they? No? Actually, I
Speaker 1: don't know how old she is. I think she's probably
Speaker 1: close to Okay, So have they been together longer than
Speaker 1: four years? Uh? Do you know the name of the guys?
Speaker 1: Really don't even know that. Jason, I don't know. Are
Speaker 1: you going to this? Huh? I mean, I'm sorry about weddings.
Speaker 1: Is what do you know about her? She's brown hair.
Speaker 1: She should be going to a lot more weddings. If
Speaker 1: this is the requirement to go to someone's wedding, you
Speaker 1: know their hair color. She loves farming. Look, my family,
Speaker 1: we grew up in Florida. Like if we grew up
Speaker 1: in Chicago, I would know everything about her, but we
Speaker 1: were separated. Well, that's why you don't go to this wedding.
Speaker 1: Sorry to whoever this is, but but it's no, you don't.
Speaker 1: It's expense. I mean, I understand people like to go
Speaker 1: to weddings, let's leave that out of it. Most people,
Speaker 1: weddings are an inconvenience. You could have the weekend in St. Louis.
Speaker 1: Now you gotta go up to Chicago for this wedding.
Speaker 1: I'm not trying to be a negative nully, but this
Speaker 1: school does not know you, she would not. We are.
Speaker 1: You'll stay high across the room for two minutes, and
Speaker 1: that will be the extent of it for you being there.
Speaker 1: We're going to grind cousin dance. It's cool because we
Speaker 1: don't know much about each other. Yeah, yeah, you'll get
Speaker 1: to know each other. No, my cousins in Chicago are awesome.
Speaker 1: Like we play sports together. We we all enjoy their
Speaker 1: skirl like to play with you again. You know, you
Speaker 1: know people in our building from the elevator more than
Speaker 1: you know this cousin. Let's be honest with ourselves. It's
Speaker 1: not true. Do you have a role on the wedding?
Speaker 1: Farms and Marissa, do you know that? Does that mean
Speaker 1: she lives on a farm, Because just because someone lives
Speaker 1: on one doesn't mean they like it. No, she works,
Speaker 1: She loves it. That's what she does. She works at
Speaker 1: this restaurant. I forgot it's what it's called. It's like
Speaker 1: blew something. It's like that very famous restaurant that has
Speaker 1: like farmed a table. It's like outside of New York.
Speaker 1: I forget the name of it. But that's where she works.
Speaker 1: And she like lives out like forty minutes outside the city.
Speaker 1: Pretty much on a farm and that's where. But I
Speaker 1: just think weddings are obnoxious when you have to have
Speaker 1: the whole family there and then the bride's night is
Speaker 1: completely ruined by talking to ants who are going to
Speaker 1: die or cousins who are going to die within months,
Speaker 1: and they have to get on planes. Like you see
Speaker 1: all these fragile old people flying across the country having
Speaker 1: to sit on the plane for forty minutes after it
Speaker 1: lands waiting for someone to come with a wheelchair. They're
Speaker 1: so in pain they're sitting in middle seats. Also, they
Speaker 1: can go to some girls wedding and who's in their
Speaker 1: twenties and they just sit in the corner all night
Speaker 1: and people come up and scream at them as like
Speaker 1: you know, Neo was playing loudly in the background, Like
Speaker 1: it's it's just also jarring for these old people. And
Speaker 1: I'm including you in that. I think it's I think
Speaker 1: weddings are obnoxious, but this girl's I'm sure this wedding
Speaker 1: is gonna be awesome, and that it's required that you know. First,
Speaker 1: I hear what you're saying, and I know it's funny,
Speaker 1: but I think, like these old people, it's it's like
Speaker 1: they're super Bowl. To some of them, they're like, oh,
Speaker 1: I can finally get dolled up and I can travel
Speaker 1: and I could see my family. I understand that if
Speaker 1: they're mobile. If they're mobile, old people when they are
Speaker 1: in wheelchairs and being forced to go, they do not
Speaker 1: want to go to it in Vermont where they have
Speaker 1: to sit in a car and their bones are I
Speaker 1: mean this, like almost certain of is that old people
Speaker 1: do not want to go to your wedding twenty something.
Speaker 1: Your old girl who is has the option divorce now
Speaker 1: when your grandma didn't. So your grandma's looking at you
Speaker 1: like like wow, this is gonna last forever when you
Speaker 1: now have so many more options than that old bitch
Speaker 1: did and she resents you for it. Probably you get
Speaker 1: to vote and like wear your hair down like up
Speaker 1: and pushed you around. They didn't. I love my grandparents.
Speaker 1: I just feel bad for old people having I just
Speaker 1: think weddings are dumb. You know, I think this. I
Speaker 1: think there are a waste of money. I think they
Speaker 1: are um just you know. I get it though, because
Speaker 1: it's it's a celebration and I'll probably have one some
Speaker 1: day too, and um eat crow. But I just want
Speaker 1: to say, like, it's it's I think it's I think
Speaker 1: it's dumb that people like second cousins, cousins who you've
Speaker 1: only seen once, Like when was the last time you
Speaker 1: saw this girl? I mean really had a conversation with
Speaker 1: her and spent some time with her last time I
Speaker 1: was in Chicago. She's also much she's also younger, so
Speaker 1: like the other cousins that are older than her, I
Speaker 1: get along with all of these things. Oh so it's
Speaker 1: from more of her like siblings. It's an age thing too.
Speaker 1: It's not just like you know when you have a
Speaker 1: cousin that's I'm just saying it's the most important people
Speaker 1: in her life are on a list. You're not on
Speaker 1: it because and I'm not up saying that to be offensive.
Speaker 1: It's just this whole thing of like, but family comes first.
Speaker 1: It's like you took the spot of someone probably at
Speaker 1: the wedding where she No. No, I think a lot
Speaker 1: of things right now, like they have you have to
Speaker 1: invite our cousins and you're like, mom, I don't even
Speaker 1: know those people, and I know you know her, but
Speaker 1: I'm just saying this, Okay, so maybe this is a
Speaker 1: different situation for you. But I still suspect this girl
Speaker 1: having a conversation with you will be a task of
Speaker 1: the night that is like is not. I mean, you're
Speaker 1: fun to talk to you, so it won't be that bad.
Speaker 1: But there will be people like you that our first
Speaker 1: cousins not that interesting who she doesn't want to talk to.
Speaker 1: I mean, you've got stuff going on. Brenna's fun to
Speaker 1: talk to too, But there will be people at this
Speaker 1: wedding based on you being there, that this girl does
Speaker 1: not want to have conversations with. And it is her
Speaker 1: wedding night and she wants to dance and eat and
Speaker 1: have fun, and she's gonna have to talk to some
Speaker 1: you know, her uncle, like her her dad's friend from childhood. Yes,
Speaker 1: it sucks. I get that look you're talking. I'm not like, yeah,
Speaker 1: well I do have the wood tooth um, but I'm
Speaker 1: not like one that's like raw raw weddings. Like my
Speaker 1: buddy had a second wedding. I had to buy a
Speaker 1: suit for it and pay eight hundred dollars Like it's insanee. No, Yeah,
Speaker 1: well it's hard. You know why. I've said no before.
Speaker 1: And when I was in high school, I was playing
Speaker 1: my last football game in high school football, which I've
Speaker 1: given so many hours, so much time to. And then
Speaker 1: my other first cousin was getting married and everyone's like,
Speaker 1: you gotta go, I go. I'm not. I've given everything
Speaker 1: to this. I've met her twice. So in your defense,
Speaker 1: I chose football and wanted to spit in my face,
Speaker 1: like my mom, huh, yes they are, and I don't
Speaker 1: play football anymore. It's the only time that Why didn't
Speaker 1: you see that their love would be lasting? Were they? No? No, no,
Speaker 1: they were lasting. They are lasting. You know why didn't
Speaker 1: you see it? I saw it. I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: you know, they're both kind of interesting. She's a veterinarian actually,
Speaker 1: the one now or the one back then, the one
Speaker 1: back then. You know, the veterinarians kill themselves more than
Speaker 1: any profession I think I probably told you that a
Speaker 1: million times. Yeah, I'll let her know. That's like my
Speaker 1: reminder when I see her, you should say that. I
Speaker 1: say some vets all the time because it's kind of
Speaker 1: giving them like like, hey, you were in combat, like
Speaker 1: you you commit suicide up there with the other vets.
Speaker 1: You know what I saw, You know what I saw
Speaker 1: that what was interesting to student dead stuff? However, it's like,
Speaker 1: I can't a lot of veterinarians. The other reason why
Speaker 1: they kill him not just because the dogs putting them down. Huh.
Speaker 1: Can we just say the veterinarians? I think I think
Speaker 1: that's a way that to say it. What do you say, veterinarians? Yeah,
Speaker 1: what do I say vetinarians? Veterinarians? You just cut out
Speaker 1: the middle man that er first of all doctors. Six letters,
Speaker 1: what's down? Thank you, thank you? Okay, So what about
Speaker 1: the veterinarians. We're saying about the debt thing. Yeah, that's
Speaker 1: the other thing. They don't make enough money to pay
Speaker 1: off because they're debt is almost as much as fucking doctors,
Speaker 1: and it's like they don't never pay it off. So
Speaker 1: they're the best people. They get into it for the
Speaker 1: love of animals, and then they have to put them
Speaker 1: down all day and witness horrific they is happening to animals,
Speaker 1: And they have to watch people, yeah, and and they
Speaker 1: watch people, yeah, losing their animals that they either love
Speaker 1: or bring in animals that they do not love, and
Speaker 1: they can't do anything about it to take it away
Speaker 1: because it's too much legality to like, actually, the Dog
Speaker 1: Protective Services or whatever. It is harder to conjure up
Speaker 1: than CPS. Maybe I don't even know, but um, yeah,
Speaker 1: I love veterinarians so much, and yeah they should be
Speaker 1: able to board planes before all of us, just with
Speaker 1: all vets. Can we go back to weddings? First? Second,
Speaker 1: I have a question, please? Yeah, I mean no, one's
Speaker 1: getting married at some point, yeah, but it will be
Speaker 1: at least another years. None of my cousins are coming
Speaker 1: to my wedding because because you're a you're an adult
Speaker 1: who knows, who doesn't just follow tradition blindly. You make
Speaker 1: it it's your night to actually socialize in the way
Speaker 1: you want to not please your mother. A year, so
Speaker 1: many many but although they'll all be people that I
Speaker 1: want there and then and then, yeah, I love them,
Speaker 1: I grew up with them, honestly, Probably not because I
Speaker 1: don't need to waste my time no offense. Emily and Brian,
Speaker 1: if you want to go, sure, I'm sure you'll want
Speaker 1: to because it's gonna be faking dope, but I'm not.
Speaker 1: You are not guaranteed to talk to me longer than
Speaker 1: two minutes that night. I might wave at you across
Speaker 1: the road. Do you think everyone wants to talk to
Speaker 1: the bride so much. Anyways, I don't know the prettiest
Speaker 1: and the whole thing. And we're wearing a big white
Speaker 1: dress and we look so beautiful and happy and the spider. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and we're all little pretty virgins who are gonna bleed
Speaker 1: that night for the first time, and we're gonna lay
Speaker 1: out the sheets. You can see that we're a pretty
Speaker 1: little virgin and that we're here and that our daddy
Speaker 1: sold us the right way. It's so gross. Oh my god.
Speaker 1: When I was watching the Princess documentary about Princessiana part part,
Speaker 1: they just skipped over. I'm sure you didn't even catch
Speaker 1: it because it was so subtle. Um. I can't believe
Speaker 1: even I caught it. They he said. When Charles was
Speaker 1: problemsed Diana by Lord Spencer, he was assured of her virginity,
Speaker 1: And it was like, what how did he assure it?
Speaker 1: She maybe got checked by a doctor who probably enjoys
Speaker 1: that inspection a lot. Fucking Yeah. All right, um, a question, yeah, um,
Speaker 1: have you ever been a bridesmaid at anyone's wedding like
Speaker 1: your sisters? Because I have great friends who would not
Speaker 1: make me do that. I was in a wedding. I
Speaker 1: was in a wedding couple of them. I got asked
Speaker 1: to do the best. Oh really, why tradition enough tradition.
Speaker 1: They wouldn't, they wouldn't put you up at that board
Speaker 1: with this. I don't think I'm a badass for denying
Speaker 1: about No, I don't because that there's something going on
Speaker 1: there that is not before up. This was before stand up.
Speaker 1: Oh so it was like talking in front of people
Speaker 1: that marriage did not work? Was it rustys? I'll blink twice, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that did not. What if you were yelling enough and
Speaker 1: not been doing stand up yet that marriage did not?
Speaker 1: For whatever I ended up doing this. I did a
Speaker 1: speech so anyways, and I told the old crowd that
Speaker 1: she's pregnant and they haven't told that what I didn't.
Speaker 1: I didn't know that it did that take. I just
Speaker 1: jumped off the dock that the wedding was on. I
Speaker 1: don't know. Wait what happened when you said it? She
Speaker 1: just looked. I caught myself, so I was like, uh,
Speaker 1: something in the some kind of it wasn't so direct
Speaker 1: where I saw the look in her eye of pure
Speaker 1: anger and I was like, wow, this is people gasp
Speaker 1: or anything. I don't think it was. People were very hammered.
Speaker 1: It was on a dock. I don't know if anyone
Speaker 1: hurt me. I make fun of her for not cooking,
Speaker 1: and then I said, well, something's cooking, something like that,
Speaker 1: something along toastlines. And then she gave me a look,
Speaker 1: and I was like joking, Oh boy, this is a
Speaker 1: common thing. Comedians are very bad at giving speeches, best
Speaker 1: man speeches, sincere speeches, eulogies. Every comedian I know is
Speaker 1: deeply uncomfortable with it. None of us like doing it
Speaker 1: because it's sincere and in the expectations are so freaking
Speaker 1: high that you you cannot. Everyone's like, oh the comedians
Speaker 1: getting up. You never will be as good as they
Speaker 1: want you to be. It's just it really is, and
Speaker 1: you don't work on it hard enough because you don't
Speaker 1: care because it's your fucking friend who you don't really
Speaker 1: talk to that much, you know. But I have a speech.
Speaker 1: I followed a I doing spoken word like about his
Speaker 1: dead dad for like five minutes, and then people were like,
Speaker 1: how are you gonna you're gonna be able to follow that?
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't what, like what am I getting? Like?
Speaker 1: You know what? I was their death poetry jam and
Speaker 1: because it was like a brother of the or and
Speaker 1: it was like so good, like literally like Eminem like good.
Speaker 1: It was insanely good. And they're like, he's gonna be
Speaker 1: a follow that. I'm just getting drunk, like I don't know.
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't get away from me, cousin Steve,
Speaker 1: And did you follow it? Yeah? I did great, So
Speaker 1: you did great? But it didn't it didn't feel good
Speaker 1: like I don't. I didn't feel good until I did
Speaker 1: find I did good, but I didn't like the experience.
Speaker 1: I'd rather not give a speech I don't like doing.
Speaker 1: Have you ever given a speech? You get you had
Speaker 1: to do something Katherine I've told I've told about this before,
Speaker 1: but I gave a speech at Katherine's wedding still together, Um,
Speaker 1: and I just like to say that, you know, because
Speaker 1: I really don't believe most things work. Um, And I
Speaker 1: said I made a joke that I was barren during it.
Speaker 1: No one laughed. It was really awkward. And then Um,
Speaker 1: I did one for my sister. And I think I
Speaker 1: just covered this on a recent episode with Chris, But
Speaker 1: I told um I was describing that my sister was
Speaker 1: always even though she was younger. She was always the
Speaker 1: more responsible one, the one I kind of looked up to.
Speaker 1: She knew that Santa wasn't real. She was like the
Speaker 1: one she was younger than me, and she was like, Nikki,
Speaker 1: Santa is not real, and um, yeah, they were kids
Speaker 1: that wasn't real from me. Yeah, and they're crying in
Speaker 1: the bathroom afterwards like pussies. It was like you had
Speaker 1: to learn sometime, but you have someone is going to
Speaker 1: be the bearer of that news and it should have
Speaker 1: already happened to you anyway. You're a don't be at
Speaker 1: an adult function, Like are there signs on walls at
Speaker 1: adult functions where it's like kids present, make sure you
Speaker 1: keep the lie up, Like I can't retain that lie forever.
Speaker 1: It was like, hey, you kind of ruined saying no.
Speaker 1: It was very clear like all that there were a
Speaker 1: bunch of kids that like ran off and were confused
Speaker 1: and um, and then it was the big joke of
Speaker 1: the night. But it was also like they were kind
Speaker 1: of um, you know, like oh, she is just too much,
Speaker 1: you know, like she had to push the matters. That's
Speaker 1: what always happens is that I say something people expect
Speaker 1: me to be inappropriate and like do something outrageous that
Speaker 1: makes it about me and ruins the night. And I
Speaker 1: never want to do that because I obviously think everyone
Speaker 1: thinking that or I'm gonna be I'm gonna be dirty
Speaker 1: in an inappropriate setting, and then they always find a
Speaker 1: way to be dirty. Like the other day, I was
Speaker 1: filming a show and it was for a network show,
Speaker 1: very squeaky clean. The host couldn't even say the name
Speaker 1: of my special. He wouldn't say the name of my special.
Speaker 1: My name of my special is good clean filth, couldn't
Speaker 1: say it. He was like, yeah, there's nothing dirty about it.
Speaker 1: That's how like, you know, puritanical, this uh set is
Speaker 1: and um, I won't say what the show is. But
Speaker 1: I was like, can I get a D? I want
Speaker 1: a D so bad? And I was like, well, that
Speaker 1: didn't sound good. Do you remember I'm Dancing with the
Speaker 1: Stars exactly the same thing. Oh yeah, there's a new wordle,
Speaker 1: celebrity wordle coming in. Um no, dancing with the Stars,
Speaker 1: same thing. I was so scared of saying anything sexual
Speaker 1: because everyone kept saying, you better watch it, this is ABC,
Speaker 1: we know what you're up to. And then Tom bergeron
Speaker 1: asked me, Nikki, you know, what's it like? Do comedy
Speaker 1: prepare you for dancing at all? And I was like, well,
Speaker 1: I've had a lot of bad sets in my life.
Speaker 1: And everyone gasped and groaned and I was like what
Speaker 1: and he stepped away from me, like there she goes,
Speaker 1: and I go, what did I say? And I go, oh, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: no bad sets with sets we call it was dumb
Speaker 1: me making a like jargon word that I think everyone knows.
Speaker 1: People don't know that the comedians call it sets. It's
Speaker 1: not in their head, and so it sound like I
Speaker 1: was saying I had a lot of bad sex. So
Speaker 1: then I changed it and I go, well I've had
Speaker 1: that to Tom and then everyone was like she did
Speaker 1: say it, and then it was like scandalized. Everyone's so
Speaker 1: fucking Christian. It's so gross. It's all fake um, just
Speaker 1: this fake shock. It's I'm not someone who's like canceled culture,
Speaker 1: but it's like this permeation of just puritanical, like really
Speaker 1: like I don't know, like Bible something like you can't
Speaker 1: say damn, you can't say anything that is so dumb.
Speaker 1: It's so dumb and it's for nothing, and it's All
Speaker 1: the people at the top that are decreeing this are
Speaker 1: all pedophiles. Man, It's so ironic. They're committing sex crimes
Speaker 1: at the top of all these institute. All these men
Speaker 1: are power hungry to fuck children and just and or
Speaker 1: if they're not doing that, they're greedy motherfucker's who are
Speaker 1: just skimming poor people of their money and spending it.
Speaker 1: And they're they're criminals. And yet when I say a
Speaker 1: blasphemous term, it is like I shouldn't be sent to
Speaker 1: hell when you have all of these lying charlatan's at
Speaker 1: the top. I love religion because I think it gives
Speaker 1: people purpose and community, but when it starts to impact,
Speaker 1: like you can't say certain words. I'm not gonna say
Speaker 1: fuck in front of a kid on purpose. I did
Speaker 1: the other day accidentally, and I felt terrible about it.
Speaker 1: I'm never trying to like, wait, wait, wait, what happened there?
Speaker 1: Happened there? I don't want kids to do. You know
Speaker 1: what happened with this in front of a kid at
Speaker 1: the Jimmy Kimmel thing. I was with kids all day,
Speaker 1: you know, and then it was in between bringing kids
Speaker 1: over and um, I like dropped a water or something
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh fuck. And I was like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, and there was like
Speaker 1: a mom and a kid like waiting on the side.
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm so sorry, and she was like, oh,
Speaker 1: we don't care. And I was like, oh, thank god,
Speaker 1: a fucking cool kid. But it's just people are industry
Speaker 1: for a long time. He's been through way works and
Speaker 1: that it's just uh yeah, it's it's I I went through.
Speaker 1: I'll talk about it after we get back from break,
Speaker 1: but I'm a little bit fired up about all this,
Speaker 1: like nicky glazers, dirty stuff, so we'll hear about that
Speaker 1: and even whether or not you want to after we
Speaker 1: get back. I did four press interviews yesterday, back to back,
Speaker 1: twenty minutes each, which seems like not that much, but
Speaker 1: you're talking to someone new. It's for like Katie LV,
Speaker 1: like you know, Las Vegas local, UM Today's show type things,
Speaker 1: And every single one of the interviewers negged me by
Speaker 1: saying either because I would say, you know, oh, this
Speaker 1: is my last show before vocal surgery UM, or I'd
Speaker 1: say and so I was like, and they're like, oh,
Speaker 1: so you're gonna stop talking? Are you able to do that?
Speaker 1: Or they go there's one that where it was a
Speaker 1: huge lag. I would say, it's nice to see you.
Speaker 1: Good to see you too, like it was that bad,
Speaker 1: and so I said, hey, before we begin, the lag
Speaker 1: is so bad conversationally, this isn't gonna work. And I
Speaker 1: know that these people are working so like doing interviews
Speaker 1: all day with people that aren't even interesting. I go,
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna steam roll and pitch the show, and
Speaker 1: you jump in if you absolutely need to, but do not.
Speaker 1: I hope you just don't think that I'm not including you.
Speaker 1: But it's just too much for us to talk back
Speaker 1: and forth. It might be better for me to just
Speaker 1: pitch the show and give you what you want. And
Speaker 1: she goes, oh, you're blaming that on the delay. I'm
Speaker 1: used to you just rambling, and I'm like, are you
Speaker 1: kidding me right now, because it's my job to ramble, like,
Speaker 1: don't stop acting like this. And I've had it with
Speaker 1: a certain male comedians too, where I start talking backstage
Speaker 1: and they'll start laughing to another man, like because they're
Speaker 1: so used to laughing when a woman might be a
Speaker 1: little bit opinionated, like here she goes again, and I
Speaker 1: just turned to them and I go, I did this
Speaker 1: for a living, so I'm actually good at at it.
Speaker 1: I know I can be a little pedantic sometimes or
Speaker 1: a lot pedantic, but for this, it happened in four
Speaker 1: interviews in a row, either saying one guy goes, um,
Speaker 1: I just watched the Comedy Central YouTube video of uh
Speaker 1: get to Know Nikki Lays or in eight Jokes, and
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, how was it meeting me? And
Speaker 1: he was like, well, not not something I should have
Speaker 1: watched at work. And I go, why were you blaring
Speaker 1: it on your speakers? Like what was I It wasn't
Speaker 1: pornographic in on visually like put in your headphones and
Speaker 1: he was just like, well, it was just really dirty.
Speaker 1: And I was like, but did anyone hear it at work?
Speaker 1: It's not not safe for work. Did you have the
Speaker 1: captions on? Like stop shaming me about being dirty. The
Speaker 1: thing is people cannot fucking handle that they are dirty,
Speaker 1: and they want to talk about it's so bad and
Speaker 1: they're so ashamed of it that when someone does it,
Speaker 1: they have to make you feel bad about it because
Speaker 1: they don't get to talk about it and they're sad
Speaker 1: about it. But it happened to me. I had to
Speaker 1: do like meditate in between because I was getting so
Speaker 1: like self hating of like I'm disgusting, I ramble. No
Speaker 1: one wants to hear me. I'm like, I'm doing your show,
Speaker 1: giving you content. I'm way more famous than your show
Speaker 1: deserves me to be on. Sorry, it's just a Katie LV.
Speaker 1: You should be very happy I'm on. Not that I'll
Speaker 1: do anything that's fun, but guess what, I'm not coming
Speaker 1: back to these shows because I get insulted when I
Speaker 1: go on them, or when I finally talk to stop talking,
Speaker 1: they go did you care when you got on? Did
Speaker 1: you did you call him out on the nagging or
Speaker 1: did you do It's not worth it. It's it's like
Speaker 1: the thing where a guy grabs your ass when you're
Speaker 1: in line doing meet and greets. Calling it out, you
Speaker 1: get an APO eology that doesn't really mean anything, or
Speaker 1: if it does, it's just too much of their energy
Speaker 1: that you have to go on. You know what? It
Speaker 1: was actually me, I'm coming like, yeah, I'm sure, it's
Speaker 1: a little bit me like I'm a little bit too sensitive.
Speaker 1: The best case scenario is this doesn't bother me at
Speaker 1: all because it doesn't fucking matter. I was on the
Speaker 1: girl's chat in between the interviews, kind of spiraling like
Speaker 1: I'm getting really insulted by these like people who kind
Speaker 1: of wish they were me. I think is the problem here,
Speaker 1: because I know when I get like this, it's because
Speaker 1: I wish I was that person, or I'm jealous of
Speaker 1: something they have. Um and I was like, yeah, they
Speaker 1: have to do a show. They have to do a
Speaker 1: show where they have to be like good one, and
Speaker 1: I hope you're having a good time out there at Degreedes.
Speaker 1: Oh the Raiders did good last night, hummery and she's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: my husband hasn't gone down to me in six months.
Speaker 1: You know. It's like just like they're so wanting to
Speaker 1: fucking just talk, like because I bet you they're at
Speaker 1: the bar going I eat this girl's pussy last night,
Speaker 1: or they're like, you know, they're just talking like this
Speaker 1: fucking guy he can't funk worth it, and then they
Speaker 1: go oh and then they got to be fake, and
Speaker 1: that's the anger probably where it comes from. You know,
Speaker 1: the girl that kept saying that I was rambling and
Speaker 1: talked too much, you can tell she wants to be
Speaker 1: a comedian and she is funny, and that that was
Speaker 1: the problem was that she was trying to neg me.
Speaker 1: She was trying to roast me a little bit, and
Speaker 1: it wasn't the place for it. This happens a lot.
Speaker 1: I was gonna ask if, like, when you do interviews,
Speaker 1: especially with someone that's new or that you don't know,
Speaker 1: do they do you see them trying to be funny
Speaker 1: as opposed to just like interviewing you. No, generally they
Speaker 1: know their place, but sometimes they are funny, Like this
Speaker 1: girl probably could be a comedian, you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: She just hasn't done it enough to know when it's
Speaker 1: appropriate to make the jokes that she is capable of making.
Speaker 1: So she was sliding in jokes in what I thought
Speaker 1: was a sincere interview, but she was trying to She
Speaker 1: was maybe so scared of being roasted by me based
Speaker 1: on what she's seen of me, that she got defensive
Speaker 1: right away and starts insulting me. And so I need
Speaker 1: to remember that going in that this person is just
Speaker 1: trying to, you know, match whatever energy they think I'm
Speaker 1: going to have. And there was nothing malicious in it.
Speaker 1: Like the other night, my friend and I didn't an
Speaker 1: event and afterwards it was ben Glee. But afterwards he
Speaker 1: was like, I it was deeply insulted by this person
Speaker 1: and how they handled things and and um insulted me
Speaker 1: and then got my name, like said my name wrong,
Speaker 1: all these things, and I was like, then they were
Speaker 1: trying to be funny. This person is a funny person,
Speaker 1: and they are a little bit awkward as well, because
Speaker 1: aren't we all And they say mean things to connect
Speaker 1: with comedians. It's like a thing people do. Yeah, you've
Speaker 1: had it happened right, Like what did the person say?
Speaker 1: So I have a quick joke about growing up where,
Speaker 1: you know, with no Jewish people, Like it was just yeah,
Speaker 1: me and then whatever, So the joke they coming. So
Speaker 1: after the show, I'm talking to like ten people and
Speaker 1: this guy comes up. He's a he's a relative of
Speaker 1: a friend that I don't even know him. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm going to this wedding. I'm actually best man. I
Speaker 1: just spent thirty grand I'm in debt. I'm gonna be
Speaker 1: a veterinarian. So I go to you took a out
Speaker 1: and so then he goes to me, he goes, you
Speaker 1: had that one jew one joke about no Jews our
Speaker 1: our high school costs thirty thou dollars I was friends with.
Speaker 1: There were a ton of Jews there, and I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: first of all, get it again, like you're calling me out.
Speaker 1: I'm like, when I was there, I'm twenty years older
Speaker 1: than you, there were no Jews there. I'm not making
Speaker 1: I'm not like like like making up a false premise
Speaker 1: of like, oh, they're gonna look into it. Some realize
Speaker 1: I actually went to school with a thousand Jews, Like
Speaker 1: what are you doing in front? Well, I found out
Speaker 1: a little bit that he's a little maybe on the spectrum.
Speaker 1: And then once I found that out, I was like, okay,
Speaker 1: this is you know, yeah, you can kind of do
Speaker 1: that with everyone that pisces you off in any way.
Speaker 1: You can just go. Because it was so clear when
Speaker 1: Ben came to me about it, I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I've also experienced this kind of thing with this person
Speaker 1: where I'm like, oh, whoa, yikes, And I realized, Oh,
Speaker 1: this person is just this person is funny. They just
Speaker 1: don't know how to we They just got a sword
Speaker 1: and they don't know how to use it yet, you know,
Speaker 1: like they have a really good sword and they don't
Speaker 1: and so it's like impressive that like they even are
Speaker 1: capable of making these jokes. But you go, ah, wow,
Speaker 1: that's it's you're not you know, It's like you have
Speaker 1: a good cut of meat but you burn it or
Speaker 1: whatever like it's um so, and I was like, also, like,
Speaker 1: this person has nothing against you. And that's what you
Speaker 1: got to remember is that most people's intent is not
Speaker 1: to hurt you, which because most people are not sociopaths
Speaker 1: or psycho people. Yeah, kid, most likely a person trying
Speaker 1: to hurt is not trying to hurt you. And um
Speaker 1: but so I had to talk through it with these, like,
Speaker 1: you know, after four in a row, and I'd have
Speaker 1: fifteen minute breaks of like just sitting here being like
Speaker 1: I do talk too much and like why am I
Speaker 1: even doing this show there? And like I'm I was
Speaker 1: trying to give them interesting interviews. I was trying to
Speaker 1: make it look different. I'm like kind of lounging in
Speaker 1: a way. Sees this on TV when you when you
Speaker 1: got on, you should have been like, uh no, what
Speaker 1: about you? Like what's up with you? That's a really
Speaker 1: good point. If I was capable of that, if you're
Speaker 1: just like enough about me, My god, I have an
Speaker 1: idea to do and you have a show tonight. You
Speaker 1: should have been like, do you have a show for
Speaker 1: people tonight? Oh? You don't. I do, But what would
Speaker 1: you be like if you had that? Yeah, you don't.
Speaker 1: Oh I talked too much. I do too much of
Speaker 1: the thing that is literally the only thing I do
Speaker 1: on stage that I'm required to do. Literally, there's nothing else.
Speaker 1: Do you want to see me dance? Do you want
Speaker 1: to see me? Saying do you want to see? Like?
Speaker 1: I don't do that? That's all I have and it's
Speaker 1: about to be all I don't have. Um I was
Speaker 1: thinking about Ben Leave actually was the idea behind this.
Speaker 1: He was like, you should do a SMR episodes of
Speaker 1: your podcast when you're recovering, because I want people to
Speaker 1: talk um hard. How you talk? You thank you think
Speaker 1: you talk here? I think I could probably talk like
Speaker 1: this and anyway I think it'll be good. Well, yesterday
Speaker 1: I tried to do like what it just five minutes
Speaker 1: of what it would sound like to do a podcast
Speaker 1: in a SMR And it is so difficult to talk
Speaker 1: this slow for me, And because then at the end
Speaker 1: of it, I started talking like this and it was
Speaker 1: just like no, wit, no, you can gotta go slow,
Speaker 1: but I realized, you really get it's almost meditative because
Speaker 1: I got into like my I could see that my
Speaker 1: thoughts are twenty words ahead and I'm having to ditch
Speaker 1: out on what I've planned for twenty words ahead because
Speaker 1: I'm not going to get there in time that I'm
Speaker 1: going to remember that. So it keeps you present on
Speaker 1: every word as opposed to yes. And I realized Sam
Speaker 1: Harris is able to use bigger words, maybe because he's
Speaker 1: talks slower, um, but it is. It was very, very hard,
Speaker 1: but I I do know that. You know my um
Speaker 1: doctor said when he was listening to me. My surgeon
Speaker 1: was like, first of all, you know healthy healthy, like
Speaker 1: the surgery or not. You need to slow down talking.
Speaker 1: You talk too fast. Yeah, he was. And then we
Speaker 1: got into promoting my dates that I was canceling because
Speaker 1: he was going to scrape out my cords. Like he
Speaker 1: wanted to be a comedian too. I mean he probably does.
Speaker 1: Everyone does is kind of secretly, and he's a funny guy.
Speaker 1: But no, he was like, he go, he wanted to
Speaker 1: talk to me. I brought my mom to the pre
Speaker 1: up interview thing because he just wants to hear your voice.
Speaker 1: How you use it. I mean, this guy can hear everything.
Speaker 1: And so we were just talking about my life and
Speaker 1: he was like, right away, I gotta tell you slow down,
Speaker 1: slow down, And I was like, I hear you. That
Speaker 1: is going to be so hard for me. So I
Speaker 1: think doing a SMR one, if I do a couple
Speaker 1: to ease in, it might be the perfect thing to get.
Speaker 1: You know, you know when you wear like a laded
Speaker 1: vest to run and then when you take it off,
Speaker 1: you're somewhere in between where you were, and like strength wise,
Speaker 1: if I a s MR, it's going to be pulling
Speaker 1: me so far the other way that maybe it might
Speaker 1: slow me down in general, but I cannot go the
Speaker 1: rest of my life talking at the speed I talk at.
Speaker 1: It is not whether surgery or not. It is ruining
Speaker 1: my life. And I didn't know. So it sucks that
Speaker 1: I have to slow down now and talk like someone
Speaker 1: who's in slow. To me, I'm talking like this, like
Speaker 1: this slow, like this is a normal way that people talk.
Speaker 1: I'm not. It sounds weird for me, but this is
Speaker 1: how you talk. This is how noaht talk. I'm so
Speaker 1: used to hear you talk every day. It sounds like
Speaker 1: your internet is slow and you're lagging. It sounds like
Speaker 1: there's a problem. But this is the way that other
Speaker 1: people talk. It's funny because like like I kind of
Speaker 1: want you to speed it up. Yeah, I know people
Speaker 1: might be wanting to put it on two times the speed,
Speaker 1: but this is the speed generally at which other people talk,
Speaker 1: and I need to slow down to the speed, and
Speaker 1: it is very hard to do. It's like going through
Speaker 1: a constructions own on the highway for me, where you're
Speaker 1: like it's Sunday and no one is working on the
Speaker 1: construction zone, so you know it would be fine, but
Speaker 1: you still have to do it because you're scared. I
Speaker 1: really tried to talk to Speed the rest of the show.
Speaker 1: Let's just see what happens, and I'll talk like you.
Speaker 1: So being friends with you, it's like like, so you
Speaker 1: talk like, no, I can't even do it now. I'm
Speaker 1: just saying like just to fill in the words. Um,
Speaker 1: well that's what I do too. But I sound drunk
Speaker 1: when I talked to when I talked to people that
Speaker 1: live here in St. Louis and talk like you don't
Speaker 1: have to slow down, no, But when I listened I
Speaker 1: listened to you on on eight time speed because that's
Speaker 1: how you speak. So when I talk to someone else
Speaker 1: that I know their story. I know their whole story
Speaker 1: by their third word. So I have to sit there
Speaker 1: and a lot of times I'll fill it in because
Speaker 1: I can't kid me. I can't do it either. That's
Speaker 1: I don't know why I'm getting an accent. Maybe that'll
Speaker 1: help me slow it down. But when people talk, I
Speaker 1: am like, get to what's happening here? I know what's
Speaker 1: I complete people sentences all the time, and I will
Speaker 1: have to say I am rarely wrong, and I am
Speaker 1: aware of how annoying that is. But I always check myself,
Speaker 1: like is this going to be annoying? Because I was
Speaker 1: wrong about what they were going to say? And I
Speaker 1: rarely am. I kind of see it coming, but I
Speaker 1: think even if you're right, it's still wrong. It's if
Speaker 1: you're right, even if you're right, But I do I
Speaker 1: don't know what the cadence will be because this sounds
Speaker 1: so forced. But I feel like if I practice meditation,
Speaker 1: if I practice a SMR, the lilt of my voice
Speaker 1: will naturally slow down. Like grandparents that you see it
Speaker 1: the wedding that you forced them to go to, they
Speaker 1: talk slow, not because they always as have, but because
Speaker 1: it's harder to think of things and to get them
Speaker 1: out so naturally. As you aid, you're going to slow
Speaker 1: down your speech pattern. Um, I have to start that
Speaker 1: process intentionally now, and I have to become every comedian
Speaker 1: I fucking hate who I do. Want to print up
Speaker 1: people's specials and do a word count and compare them
Speaker 1: to mine, so that when people go yours wasn't as
Speaker 1: good as this person's, I can go, well, actually I
Speaker 1: fit three specials into one, so slow it down. And
Speaker 1: then maybe our three specials as good as that one
Speaker 1: person's because I said three times as many words and
Speaker 1: had three times as many jokes. Um, where they as good?
Speaker 1: Maybe not, but that's that's arguable. Do you want something slower? Yes,
Speaker 1: sometimes you want something slower, and that in and of
Speaker 1: itself makes it enjoyable. But I like quantity over quality.
Speaker 1: You're gonna say that you're gonna talk slower, but say
Speaker 1: the same amount, so your next special will be seven
Speaker 1: hours six hours, like these podcasts are gonna be. We're
Speaker 1: gonna get through like one half of a topic, but
Speaker 1: you're gonna say, I think we didn't get through the
Speaker 1: news before. We're not going to get to Uh yeah,
Speaker 1: it's nothing's going to happen on this show. Um, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's I don't I don't know how I'm going to
Speaker 1: function in this world. My brain just needs to slow
Speaker 1: down a little bit. But um, with that being said,
Speaker 1: we could get to the news if we want. Do
Speaker 1: we want to try it? Let's go to the news.
Speaker 1: Oh man, it's Tuesday, folks. You know what that means.
Speaker 1: It is Tuesday. I hope you're having all the swells
Speaker 1: out there. I'm about to can. I'm going to a
Speaker 1: great wedding where my first cousin, she has brown hair,
Speaker 1: and she's really cool and sorry in Chicago a couple
Speaker 1: of months ago, I think, which is enough if she
Speaker 1: had to invite everyone she saw a couple of months ago.
Speaker 1: Casey Cason, all right, well while you're in while you're
Speaker 1: in Chicago, would you like to know some fun facts
Speaker 1: about orgasms? Yeah? I love it. So I have a
Speaker 1: list of fun facts that you may or may not
Speaker 1: have a couple yesterday. Yeah. So, um a study, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I found that our ability to orgasm comes from our parents.
Speaker 1: Our DNA could be responsible for anything. Daddy, I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: could be responsible for anything. From a third to sixty
Speaker 1: of our ability to climax. It really creeps me out.
Speaker 1: But what does that mean? What is that you are
Speaker 1: in your what you're going to be is in your grandmother.
Speaker 1: You were in your grandmother already. Your mom's eggs were
Speaker 1: in her egg when she was in your grandmother as
Speaker 1: an egg. You you weren't in your great grandmother's, but
Speaker 1: you were in your It's just creepy that I was
Speaker 1: like in my grandma's little body in the twenties. No
Speaker 1: great grandmother, my mom was in. I was not in
Speaker 1: that one. It's only to two back. Can I just say, um,
Speaker 1: this gets to some topic of porn, which I want
Speaker 1: to talk about. I have just embraced daddy porn. I
Speaker 1: did not look at it for a while because I
Speaker 1: thought it meant that I want to fuck my dad,
Speaker 1: or that I that that my dad was going to
Speaker 1: pop up in in the middle of it for me
Speaker 1: in some way, or that it meant something about myself. Yeah, Papa, Papa.
Speaker 1: The papa bads I get are so gross with old women,
Speaker 1: old horny women is always know the porn. I like.
Speaker 1: The reason I like daddy porn is I like I
Speaker 1: think it's someone and their dad. It's not about me
Speaker 1: at all. I'm not projecting myself into it. I'm horny
Speaker 1: from and I don't really like it to be her dad.
Speaker 1: I just like it to be like someone she trusts
Speaker 1: that like loves her but is in a position of power.
Speaker 1: Is a bit older, is instructional, is like someone I
Speaker 1: like the dynamic which I've requested many times of like
Speaker 1: a respectful gang bang. And I feel like the word
Speaker 1: daddy implies I care about this person, and so it
Speaker 1: actually is maybe what I've been needing to google this
Speaker 1: whole time, because so much of the porn I get
Speaker 1: and enjoy the acts are so mean to the girl,
Speaker 1: and I've always been looking for this sensitivity and this
Speaker 1: almost like pride, and like a father has so much
Speaker 1: pride for his daughter and everything she does. So it
Speaker 1: actually is one of my words now, and I have
Speaker 1: no shame about it. And it's interesting because I have.
Speaker 1: I have a lot of shame about stuff on porn
Speaker 1: that I'll be like, oh no, that turns me on,
Speaker 1: Like sometimes I'll think it's a woman and then the
Speaker 1: woman will have a penis and I go, do I
Speaker 1: like trans porn? Like what does that mean about me
Speaker 1: that I want to see a trans woman fucked by
Speaker 1: a guy or whatever. And but she has but she
Speaker 1: has a penis? Does that mean that I have a penut?
Speaker 1: Like this stuff that I do in my brain that
Speaker 1: makes me feel morally ambiguous because I like yesterday, I
Speaker 1: just realized, like, how do I do not operate this
Speaker 1: way outside of sex judging what I like, what I
Speaker 1: don't like? Why it's not hurting anyone? Why is it
Speaker 1: a problem that I'm turned on by anything? First of all,
Speaker 1: this trans women looks better than most women. I thought
Speaker 1: it was a woman, not that it even fucking matters.
Speaker 1: There happens to be a dick there. There's a dick
Speaker 1: anywhere anyway, right there. It's just more dicks. Um. It
Speaker 1: just looks like she's wearing a strap on of sorts.
Speaker 1: It doesn't change it at all. And so it's interesting
Speaker 1: for me. I think so much of my porn. I
Speaker 1: didn't realize that I was fighting so many of the
Speaker 1: things that I was naturally drawn to in porn because
Speaker 1: I didn't want to be that person that likes that thing.
Speaker 1: And yesterday or this weekend, I guess past couple of days,
Speaker 1: I've just kind of given into it and started searching
Speaker 1: the words that I used to avoid so much. Daddy,
Speaker 1: not trans, but like daddy or like themdom. I'm like,
Speaker 1: does that mean I'm gay? It's like no, I like
Speaker 1: women that are kind of telling women what to do
Speaker 1: sexually because they're nice, sir. Women seem to be nicer
Speaker 1: to women, and porn is lacking a niceness and I'm
Speaker 1: craving that. And the way to get it is to,
Speaker 1: you know, daddy or fem femdoms, because male doms are
Speaker 1: generally like mean and calling you a bitch, and femdoms
Speaker 1: are like, all are you sad and scared? I think
Speaker 1: you're gonna be a good little horror that like they're
Speaker 1: more supportive, like a teacher. Rami Yusuf has had a
Speaker 1: joke about like seeing porn and seeing penises he likes
Speaker 1: and he doesn't like, and like being like, oh wait,
Speaker 1: is that gay? To like a certain that means I
Speaker 1: like a certain kind of a preference. Preference you were
Speaker 1: to be penetrated by one, you'd have, you'd have you
Speaker 1: want to go look or what I find? You want
Speaker 1: to weigh in on the dick? Yeah, less vain, I guess,
Speaker 1: but yeah, Yeah, it was just an interesting way to
Speaker 1: look at it. Like, there's definitely been porns I've turned
Speaker 1: off because the penis wasn't right for for me and
Speaker 1: that is it too much, not like yours, or it's
Speaker 1: too just there's some ugly penises out there that are
Speaker 1: just not like that don't turn me on, you know,
Speaker 1: but I've never seen are always huge, the ones that
Speaker 1: are like they look like they have like tumors or
Speaker 1: something so big. But then there's that there's a part
Speaker 1: of it being that big that's kind of interesting where
Speaker 1: it's like Jesus Christ, what's going to happen here? But
Speaker 1: in the world you want to look at it. I
Speaker 1: hate James Dean. He's a popular porn star who is
Speaker 1: in fucking I've heard any like rape women and like
Speaker 1: I've just heard stories that he is not that like
Speaker 1: he just and and I used to be very turned
Speaker 1: on by him because he was aggressive but also like passionate,
Speaker 1: And now I see it as he is usually the
Speaker 1: one in the gang bang who is doing most of
Speaker 1: the mean thing, starting the mean like you know, pulling
Speaker 1: her hair or like kind of moving her legs in
Speaker 1: a way that's just like treating her like a rag doll,
Speaker 1: which can be hot. I don't want to slutch shame,
Speaker 1: but I've just I heard, you know, there were allegations
Speaker 1: about him and then um, you know further things like
Speaker 1: now when I see his name on something, it can
Speaker 1: be the best porn that would be right at my alley.
Speaker 1: Will not watch it, even though he I think is
Speaker 1: probably the hottest guy in porn. And I did have
Speaker 1: a friend who did porn and said, yeah, working with
Speaker 1: him was the hottest thing of my life because I
Speaker 1: hated him and we used to like hate funk each other.
Speaker 1: It's like it would be like doing you know, it
Speaker 1: was like um in the Notebook, Ryan Gosling and um
Speaker 1: what's her name like hated each other. Rachel McAdams on
Speaker 1: set that she thought he was like a cocky like
Speaker 1: hot heartthrob guy that thought he was cool, and he
Speaker 1: probably thought she was stuck up actress and they like
Speaker 1: hate each other and it turned into this like way
Speaker 1: hotter and they ended up dating. So I do remember
Speaker 1: my friends saying that of like, I didn't like him,
Speaker 1: but I would love to do scenes with them because
Speaker 1: we both hated each other so much and we both
Speaker 1: knew it and we would take it out on each
Speaker 1: other in the scene, and so that's really hot to me. Um,
Speaker 1: did are we going to get to the I'm sure
Speaker 1: there's going to be more that comes out of it.
Speaker 1: By the time Kane was that he's claiming that porn
Speaker 1: is what ruined his marriage, is that he's that I
Speaker 1: saw that. I believe that. I've definitely know that it
Speaker 1: is on my list of things that I do to
Speaker 1: not feel my feelings. And when I can't smoke weed
Speaker 1: and I want to, or I can't cry and I
Speaker 1: want to, or I can't eat and I want to,
Speaker 1: you know, let's do porn because it's like it's a distraction.
Speaker 1: It's faster than watching some show that I'm not into yet,
Speaker 1: Like it also takes a while, like all the browsing
Speaker 1: kind the perfect scene, typing in what you want to
Speaker 1: see in porn, but just adding with easys on, like everything,
Speaker 1: it's like, I want to see girl eat your ass
Speaker 1: with easys on. I wonder what Corny watched, because I
Speaker 1: do wonder if it's like like like whatever, or if
Speaker 1: he was as obsessive about it, because I feel like
Speaker 1: he's probably. But actually, when you become an addict, you
Speaker 1: kind of take what you can get, kind of you
Speaker 1: just need to fix. So I bet it can go
Speaker 1: either way. But I know people that you you know,
Speaker 1: watch porn all day long. I can usually I usually
Speaker 1: have one orgasm and then I go I want to
Speaker 1: keep going because it feels so good and it's like
Speaker 1: I want more of that. But the just everything I'm
Speaker 1: watching just turns instantly to like black and white television
Speaker 1: of like this is not interesting to me anymore, Like
Speaker 1: none of this is good. It's so funny, fascinating. After
Speaker 1: you come them, like like I actually see like, oh
Speaker 1: that's a person, like like when you're really horned up,
Speaker 1: You're like seeing like it's like a I don't know.
Speaker 1: Then what do you come? And then I'm just like, oh,
Speaker 1: that's all right, this is kind of weird. Am just
Speaker 1: go oh god, Like I'll go back to the wind,
Speaker 1: I'll go to Instagram after I come, and then I'll
Speaker 1: go back to and Reddit to go just on my
Speaker 1: nightly Reddit crawl, and then it'll be like just double
Speaker 1: penetration like in my fan I'm like, ah, like it
Speaker 1: is so jarring, and seconds ago it was what made
Speaker 1: me have the best feeling of my life. Um, it's
Speaker 1: so fascinating. I did try to masturbate last night to
Speaker 1: um just music in my in my stories. Yeah, what
Speaker 1: was it, Mozarts? What were you saying that? No, I've
Speaker 1: done it before, but I tried to get back to basics.
Speaker 1: I was trying to conjure up you know. UM, I
Speaker 1: was really trying to think about my relationship because I
Speaker 1: want to be like as I want to be like
Speaker 1: so anticipatory of when I finally see Chris that it's
Speaker 1: like the hottest sex ever um for us as a couple,
Speaker 1: and I do miss him so much. So I'm like
Speaker 1: trying to you know, I don't don't generally fantasize when
Speaker 1: I'm masturbating about my boyfriend, no offense to him, but
Speaker 1: it's usually like he has the brothers. I can't say
Speaker 1: that even he has one of those, okay, second cousin, UM,
Speaker 1: I probably met them as well. UM his his cat
Speaker 1: um so he So I was trying to do that,
Speaker 1: and I put on UM like Dave Matthews because that
Speaker 1: is the sexiest music to me. Goodbye. I put on YEP,
Speaker 1: I put on say Goodbye, I put on Crash, I
Speaker 1: put on UM, and then I'm No, it's just like
Speaker 1: kind of going through like the old albums of like
Speaker 1: what used to warn me up? And then I just
Speaker 1: cannot sustain a fantasy. Don't drink the water because it's
Speaker 1: so hot. He's so freaking hot. I can't stand it.
Speaker 1: I'm really sorry to be a woman that is talking
Speaker 1: about how hot another guy is. But like Dave Matthews is,
Speaker 1: it's still for me the hottest person that's ever. Like
Speaker 1: I just can't my my childhood or like my teen
Speaker 1: like I will never feel that horny for someone. It's
Speaker 1: like Chris often says, like the love he felt for
Speaker 1: his like first high school girlfriend, like it's not repeatable
Speaker 1: because it's this young, dumb love, like it just you
Speaker 1: wouldn't even want me to feel that way about you, Nikki,
Speaker 1: because it was just like I thought I was gonna
Speaker 1: like it was just young and dumb, but it was
Speaker 1: unbridled and there's something beautiful about that. That is how
Speaker 1: I feel about Dave Matthews. It is just this, um, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm all that close in person. Were you like analyzing
Speaker 1: like was he as attractive to you in person? Yes? Yes,
Speaker 1: everything everything paid off, Like see him, he was two
Speaker 1: feet from me bopping up and down with his hand
Speaker 1: on it, and I was just staring at his hands,
Speaker 1: thinking about like like how many times I looked at
Speaker 1: those hands playing guitar and was like I want to
Speaker 1: get fingered by them? Like it was all all of
Speaker 1: those fantasies were happing for me, like the guitar pretty
Speaker 1: like it's pretty Like you know, Dave Matthews looks good
Speaker 1: and cares about a woman's needs. It's just undeniable. I
Speaker 1: don't know that I would love Chris to talk about
Speaker 1: someone like this. Um, so I'll just stop. But I
Speaker 1: think this is mainly my just like seventeen year old
Speaker 1: Nikki Glazer coming out of like what I used to
Speaker 1: fantasize it would be like to be with Dave Matthews.
Speaker 1: Do you feel like it's kind of a threesome to
Speaker 1: listen to Dave and then have sex with Chris in
Speaker 1: your mind like you're having your Like that's what I
Speaker 1: was saying. It couldn't. I wasn't even I didn't know
Speaker 1: what to think about when I was doing it yesterday,
Speaker 1: so I just put on porn. I was like, this
Speaker 1: is very confusing. I can't and I'm not someone who
Speaker 1: can pull up a fantasy. I just can't do it,
Speaker 1: say anither D D brain, like, yes, people enter it
Speaker 1: that I don't want to enter it. Not in a
Speaker 1: hot daddy comes in yeah, or step mommy, not like sexually.
Speaker 1: It's just like why is like my brain just oh,
Speaker 1: you gotta put your phone on do not disturb, because
Speaker 1: I mean I've gotten a text from you before when
Speaker 1: I'm masturbating and I just go, no, get out of here,
Speaker 1: or like just like podding tomorrow eleven o'clock good, But
Speaker 1: I'm just like I I just lost it. You can't
Speaker 1: be in here, and I'm like I forgot to put
Speaker 1: it on. You know, you get it all I get
Speaker 1: like Nicole, it's Nancy Pelosi. It's not looking good out here,
Speaker 1: like I get, like all texts all the time. Um, yeah,
Speaker 1: you gotta put it on do not to sturb. We
Speaker 1: will be right back with more shot after this. Alright, Noah,
Speaker 1: tell us more about orgasms. Okay, um this, I think
Speaker 1: you'll find very interesting people who have suffered lower paralysis
Speaker 1: and can't feel genital stimulation. Sometimes fine, they can achieve
Speaker 1: orgasm through stimulation of other body parts, such as the
Speaker 1: skin of the arm or the nipples. One woman, um,
Speaker 1: who had become paralyzed from the waist down at the
Speaker 1: age of thirty, said she was able to climax when
Speaker 1: touched in a spot on the trunk or neck just
Speaker 1: above the region of injury. Huh. I really obviously, I
Speaker 1: think that this is possible because I found an roger
Speaker 1: zone on my neck that I think is gets makes
Speaker 1: me feel more horny than um than my clip at times.
Speaker 1: I'm not even joking, you like breathing on the back
Speaker 1: in my neck like here, which you know, when is
Speaker 1: that ever happening? It just happened one time, um, you know,
Speaker 1: on a subway when there was a creep. No, it
Speaker 1: was It just happened. I think one time in bed,
Speaker 1: like we were just cuddling and he was just like
Speaker 1: kind of talking into my neck and I was just
Speaker 1: like I couldn't even say anything because I was just like,
Speaker 1: what was happening? Like it was as if I was
Speaker 1: being touched on my vagina for the first time. It
Speaker 1: really felt like, this is the greatest thing I've ever
Speaker 1: felt in my life. Um, And I think I probably
Speaker 1: could have just come from that. I mean, it led
Speaker 1: to other things, but that was what I mean. What
Speaker 1: other places on my body your sense if you're not
Speaker 1: getting whatever you can touch, that's gonna be the most
Speaker 1: sensitive spot, you know what I mean, Like if you're
Speaker 1: if you're generalman, I'm just well, you had other options.
Speaker 1: I'm saying if you were out of options with your
Speaker 1: body parts, where if you only had a head, it
Speaker 1: would be what's the hottest place to touch me? On
Speaker 1: my head? Like if you just had a head. I'm
Speaker 1: not kidding, dude. It was like but it was like
Speaker 1: a concentrated area that was as sense. It like gave
Speaker 1: me the feeling of my clitoris, which has a thought
Speaker 1: you know, maybe Williams, I don't know science of nerve
Speaker 1: endings you and let me let me just please say again,
Speaker 1: if you were masturbating and you were not lifting up
Speaker 1: the clitoral hood to get to the clip, which there
Speaker 1: is a covering of your clitoris. So many girls do
Speaker 1: not know that they need to even lift that up,
Speaker 1: and I would venture to guess most men do not know.
Speaker 1: They think that's the clet itself, that like little bubblegum thing.
Speaker 1: You need to lift that up to think, Like I
Speaker 1: think I've hooked up with the girls before and they
Speaker 1: they don't because they don't know. No, no, no, it's
Speaker 1: too much. When I when you're doing too much, well
Speaker 1: then you just like blow on it and be gentler.
Speaker 1: But like you need to expose the over the hood
Speaker 1: it could yeah it could, Yes that can be better,
Speaker 1: but yeah over it can be good. And I think
Speaker 1: a lot of girls are missing out on pleasure because
Speaker 1: they think that's part. They think that's their clip and
Speaker 1: they're like, why is it not working? And they're trying
Speaker 1: to put chap chap stick on with the cap on.
Speaker 1: It's like that this happened to me. My friend texted
Speaker 1: me she bought the Womanizer? Did I tell this how
Speaker 1: that I came about the Womanizer? And she goes, where
Speaker 1: do I put it on my club? Where's my cli?
Speaker 1: Do I have to lift up the thing? And I
Speaker 1: said yes, and I go, how is this not in
Speaker 1: the instructions? And it wasn't there. No one's educating women
Speaker 1: about this. It wasn't in the instructions for the Womaniser. Womanizer,
Speaker 1: get your fucking ship together and have an instructional booklet
Speaker 1: that goes beyond ikea drawings and like gets in there
Speaker 1: and actually shows women what the funk to do really obnoxious,
Speaker 1: and then I googled it and there's fucking not there's nothing.
Speaker 1: Maybe if you scour, but like you go to any
Speaker 1: kind of like how do I masturbate? Like if you
Speaker 1: do write, how do I masturbate as a woman? The
Speaker 1: op searches I looked, none of them mentioned lifting up
Speaker 1: your clutoral hood. They just say find your clip, and
Speaker 1: it's like, well, most women don't. Let's let's talk about
Speaker 1: don't know where the clint is. Women don't if someone's like,
Speaker 1: change your oil in your car, and the first step
Speaker 1: isn't lift up the hood because they just assume people
Speaker 1: might know it. You know, I know they do, But
Speaker 1: all of it looks kind of the same down there,
Speaker 1: and clints look so different. You don't know. But yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like a it's like a little um Marcel the shell,
Speaker 1: like it's a little snail and it has a shell
Speaker 1: on top, and you've gotta peel back the shell, at
Speaker 1: least for me, I mean, otherwise it would just be
Speaker 1: sucking on this, like you know, chestnut down there and
Speaker 1: the meat is underneath. So insane. Lifted a show tonight
Speaker 1: in Vegas, September two. Thanks Katie L. V Oh my god. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I didn't get into that yesterday. I avoided all those
Speaker 1: areas the second you know, they you get a little
Speaker 1: sex of this. I can you say something with an innuendo?
Speaker 1: They go, yeah, there it is and fucking dirty on
Speaker 1: there and where they're like, look, we can't have you back.
Speaker 1: It's like, bitch, I don't want to be back. Would
Speaker 1: that would be a nice send off. But I don't
Speaker 1: like to be crass. I don't like to like make
Speaker 1: people feel uncomfortable about it if they really don't like it.
Speaker 1: That's the thing. It's like people, That's what I don't
Speaker 1: like about. People assume that I think I that I
Speaker 1: like offending people, which is, you know, it makes sense
Speaker 1: that they think that. But because I've done roasts and stuff,
Speaker 1: and the point of those are like to say the
Speaker 1: meanest thing, those people have signed up for it, you know.
Speaker 1: Like I man, I wrote a joke last night where
Speaker 1: it's trashing someone and they didn't ask for it, and
Speaker 1: it's a celebrity and it's someone I kind of know,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I can't fucking do it. It's such
Speaker 1: a good joke. I'll tell you something. I'll tell you later.
Speaker 1: It's so good. I'm gonna do it because I'm just
Speaker 1: too I just hope it doesn't get back to them,
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna do it, and it'll probably end up
Speaker 1: in a special because I can't help it when something's
Speaker 1: funny and I actually don't believe the told I'm saying.
Speaker 1: I'm making a joke that someone is bad at their job,
Speaker 1: but I actually think the very opposite of it. So um,
Speaker 1: I might have to change the celebrity though to someone
Speaker 1: who's more secure. They can maybe know that they're great
Speaker 1: and they don't need to question it. But um oh man. Also,
Speaker 1: I had another joke last night that I wanted to make.
Speaker 1: I forgot to do it. I'm talking about um how
Speaker 1: I because I'm thirty eight and my fertility is probably
Speaker 1: plummeting right now. And you know, not that it matters
Speaker 1: to me because I'm not trying to conceive or I
Speaker 1: don't really want to have kids. I still want to
Speaker 1: want to be able to you know, it's like the
Speaker 1: it's like wanting to be invited to a party that
Speaker 1: you don't even want to go to. It like it's
Speaker 1: that thing it's like for me, And I found a
Speaker 1: perfect analogy I want to be asked to go to
Speaker 1: Chappelle's farm, but I do not want to go. I
Speaker 1: would feel I it would afterwards, it would be a
Speaker 1: lot of work. I would probably feel worse about myself.
Speaker 1: At the end of it, I would be honored that
Speaker 1: they think that I belong there. I want people to
Speaker 1: think I'm fertile. I want to be fertile, but I
Speaker 1: do not want to go to the middle of Ohio
Speaker 1: and hang out and listen to people drunk pontificate and
Speaker 1: have to act like, oh my god, these are like
Speaker 1: you know, these people are geniuses, which they are when
Speaker 1: they're not like wasted and and like in a room
Speaker 1: with a bunch of cigarettes smoke, being like, well that's
Speaker 1: and having to laugh at everything they fucking say, even
Speaker 1: if you don't think it's funny, because it's Chappelle and
Speaker 1: he's a genius, and like you have to give it
Speaker 1: to him, like I those remember during the pandemic, all
Speaker 1: the comedians were going to his farm and like it
Speaker 1: looked like they were the chosen ones, and I was
Speaker 1: so jealous. But then the second I go, way is
Speaker 1: a gad, what have you got an invite? The panic
Speaker 1: that went over me of like, oh my god, I've
Speaker 1: got to hang out with these people all weekend and
Speaker 1: act like interested in what they say and act like
Speaker 1: I know their music, Like there's like certain you know,
Speaker 1: the Woo Tang clan is there, and I have to
Speaker 1: like learn all their names and like study their cattle.
Speaker 1: Like it's gonna be so much fucking work for me
Speaker 1: to feel cool that weekend, even though I want to
Speaker 1: be cool enough to get it to get invited. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, the story of my life. Yeah yeah you
Speaker 1: want these, Yeah, it's but yeah, so yeah. I mean
Speaker 1: it's interesting with women because I was talking to Brenna
Speaker 1: about it. But like you go from having your period
Speaker 1: to menopause, which are both extremes, right, Like there's some
Speaker 1: time in between where you where you stop having your period. Oh,
Speaker 1: like you go from having your period for you know,
Speaker 1: thirty years too then forty years. Yeah, And I don't know,
Speaker 1: I just find those extremes. That's a little hard and
Speaker 1: stuff like anyone to but like I hate to second
Speaker 1: you get a break from bleeding, it's like now you're
Speaker 1: gonna have hot flashes and now no one wants to
Speaker 1: fuck you and no one wants to really listen to you,
Speaker 1: and you're kind of like put out to pasture. And
Speaker 1: some people still like you, but it's just because they're
Speaker 1: being nice to their grandma because they have to be. Like,
Speaker 1: she wants to go to that wedding, she might get
Speaker 1: some dick there, grandpa. Yeah being a woman. Um yeah,
Speaker 1: the bleeding thing is insane. Final thought. So you're going
Speaker 1: to a wedding in Chicago. Um, there's gonna be dancing.
Speaker 1: I mean, it is fun, dancing, food. Um, we're just
Speaker 1: people watching. I mean there's great things to be had
Speaker 1: from that. I mean I I I see my family
Speaker 1: so rarely that and your family will be there, not
Speaker 1: to mention the ones that you don't know, but the
Speaker 1: ones that you do know. Now she can't go, and
Speaker 1: I bet she's grateful. Yeah, she's like, finally cop D
Speaker 1: works out for me. Finally emphysema. It's great. Finally I
Speaker 1: don't have to do the hokey pokey or what like,
Speaker 1: someone's not going to pull me out into a congo
Speaker 1: line with my wheelchair because dealing with the airport is
Speaker 1: That's what I'm saying. Man, people people for worse old
Speaker 1: people to do this and make them feel obligated and
Speaker 1: they don't enjoy it. I'm sure there's some that do
Speaker 1: and put up with it, and they're sweet and they
Speaker 1: sit there and on the flight and they wait and
Speaker 1: they have nothing but time. But I think it is
Speaker 1: a very very painful process for a lot of old people.
Speaker 1: And what do you do, Nikki. I am going to
Speaker 1: Vegas tonight in two hours. I have to pack. My
Speaker 1: room is disgusting. It looks like I'm waiting for FEMA
Speaker 1: to show up. And here it's so bad, it's awful. Um.
Speaker 1: And then I get in. I'm I'm going to sleep
Speaker 1: all day, I think, because I didn't get much sleep
Speaker 1: last night. And then UM, do a show. And then
Speaker 1: I flied to St. Louis on Saturday, and my friend
Speaker 1: Graham Ben Singer, who has a show called The Graham
Speaker 1: Ben Singer Show, is following me around all day. I
Speaker 1: fly in and I land and I go right into
Speaker 1: hair and makeup, and then um, he's interviewing me and
Speaker 1: following me around all day. We're going on a run.
Speaker 1: We're going to my old high school, UM to do
Speaker 1: like a you know, um, you know, a report on me.
Speaker 1: And then he's going to come to Boston for my surgery.
Speaker 1: And cover that. He's interviewing my surgeon. So he's doing
Speaker 1: the whole piece about my thing that just so happened
Speaker 1: to materialize out of the fact that he wanted to
Speaker 1: do a piece on me anyway. And I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm actually having the surgery, so I can't do the
Speaker 1: interview at the time where we thought, and he was like, well,
Speaker 1: can I cover the interview? And so yeah, Um, did
Speaker 1: he reach out to you, Andrew? Yeah, I talked to
Speaker 1: him yesterday, Okay, Yeah, and so he's saying something about
Speaker 1: asking if I want to be on camera for something
Speaker 1: next week, but yes, you're interviewing my friends and family too. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he's a he's a good dude. It's such a good dude. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it was nice getting whatever anyhow, I think, no, no,
Speaker 1: it's just nice getting to know him. He like became
Speaker 1: like some I forgot even I met him through you,
Speaker 1: and um I've gone over. Like we went out to
Speaker 1: dinner the other night with him and his girlfriend and
Speaker 1: it was just it was just I don't know, it
Speaker 1: was a fun time. They're they're they're pretty, They're a
Speaker 1: silly couple. I don't know. I can't really get into
Speaker 1: their couple. But she's like a neurotic Jewish doctor and
Speaker 1: he's like he's a little neurotic in his way. But
Speaker 1: I don't know, they're just interesting together. Google Graham Ben Singer.
Speaker 1: He you probably watched his YouTube of him interviewing every celebrity.
Speaker 1: I mean he interviewed Tom Hanks, Kobe like he mainly
Speaker 1: sports people. Yeah, he's done everyone and big big, big time,
Speaker 1: but he does it have St. Louis. Um. That's where
Speaker 1: his operation is very successful. I'm honored to be on
Speaker 1: a show. I went on a date with him during
Speaker 1: the pandemic. Um. We went hiking and it uh. I
Speaker 1: hope that we can talk about it because it's a
Speaker 1: very It was very much If you want to get
Speaker 1: to know me, that story of going hiking with me
Speaker 1: is a very perfect indication of the type of person
Speaker 1: I am, which was like he thought I was going
Speaker 1: to be like this fun, chill like I'll take this
Speaker 1: girl in a hike, and I was not having it.
Speaker 1: And I was really at this point where I was like,
Speaker 1: if it's gonna work with me and this guy, he's
Speaker 1: got to know this. I'm not going hike and like
Speaker 1: this ever again. Or if it is it's like for
Speaker 1: his birthday when we're like it married or something like
Speaker 1: I cannot And so I made it very clear I
Speaker 1: was not trying to be like I like it. This
Speaker 1: is something like I wasn't like on my best like
Speaker 1: date behavior of like I just want to be the
Speaker 1: girl this guy wants me to be. I was just like,
Speaker 1: he needs to know the truth, and I was like,
Speaker 1: I hate this. I hate this. I really don't like this.
Speaker 1: I'm not going over that puddle. It's too deep, like,
Speaker 1: and he just I remember him going like, oh, boy,
Speaker 1: are seriously he was just like so he was. He
Speaker 1: was honestly pretty tickled by it. He was just like,
Speaker 1: you are so funny, Like I didn't see this coming.
Speaker 1: He was like shocked. I kind of liked his reaction.
Speaker 1: We we knew almost right away that we were like
Speaker 1: it was a friend vibe, and so it was just
Speaker 1: it was nice to cut it with like you a
Speaker 1: lot crazier than I thought you were, Like That's how
Speaker 1: he felt, and I was like, and you have too
Speaker 1: much land around you that you want to explore for
Speaker 1: me to ever explore this relationship. Um, so I am
Speaker 1: looking forward to that and that will be out at
Speaker 1: some point. UM, but everyone, I hope you had a
Speaker 1: good labor day. We will be doing um one show
Speaker 1: a week during my recovery, uh with UM you know,
Speaker 1: we're gonna pre tape them so they won't be like
Speaker 1: totally topical. But I don't think it will matter because, UM,
Speaker 1: my life is not going to change much from the
Speaker 1: time that I stopped talking, because uh, so you will
Speaker 1: still be getting content. It'll be weekly like most podcasts
Speaker 1: you consume UM instead of four times a week. And
Speaker 1: so until we maybe add more shows as my voice improves,
Speaker 1: expect that for the next three or so weeks of
Speaker 1: one week per uh, one episode per week, and I
Speaker 1: hope that's okay. And I will still be active on Instagram,
Speaker 1: UM doing you know, Buster Keat and Charlie Chaplin type things, UM,
Speaker 1: discovering physical comedy right, so UM tune into that. Please
Speaker 1: stay subscribed to the podcast, keep supporting and watch stop
Speaker 1: listen old stuff. UM yeah, and uh we love you,
Speaker 1: don't be Ca and Chack creature jacked up vocal cords
Speaker 1: jacked up. Damn