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Speaker 1: Hello, everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to

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Speaker 1: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in

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Speaker 1: the world, it is so great to have you here.

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Speaker 1: Back for another episode as we, of course break down

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Speaker 1: the psychology of our twenties. Today's episode is for all

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Speaker 1: of my late bloomers, all my late bloomers out there

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Speaker 1: who are in their twenties, living deeply, fulfilling lives, going

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Speaker 1: at their own pace, experiencing life fully, but feeling like

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Speaker 1: all of it kind of means nothing because they have

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Speaker 1: never been in a relationship before, They've never really dated,

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Speaker 1: they've never been kissed, been in love, had the kind

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Speaker 1: of intimate experiences everyone else is seemingly having, and they

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Speaker 1: are feeling, well, they're feeling left behind. Let's not sugarcoat it.

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Speaker 1: It's really really tough. Being a late bloomer is hard.

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Speaker 1: Our twenties are confusing enough without feeling like there is

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Speaker 1: this thing we are constantly waiting to finally happen and

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Speaker 1: life just hasn't really started until it has. You know,

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Speaker 1: love is this wonderful, beautiful, life changing thing, and so

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Speaker 1: when it hasn't been a part of your story so far,

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Speaker 1: you can feel like a you've failed, be you're missing out,

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Speaker 1: and perhaps see perhaps it will never be on the

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Speaker 1: cards for you, perhaps it is never going to happen,

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Speaker 1: and that in itself it's such a scary thought. So

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Speaker 1: I'm really just here to assure you, this is my

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Speaker 1: primary goal today, that none of the above is true.

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Speaker 1: You are not a failure, You are not completely missing

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Speaker 1: out on life, and just because it hasn't happened yet

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean that it never will. The past is not

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Speaker 1: a prediction of the future in this case. We've been

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Speaker 1: told all these things about when we should date, what

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Speaker 1: love should feel like, why you need to be having

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Speaker 1: sex and flings, why time is running out for you.

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Speaker 1: You know that you should be looking for a relationship,

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Speaker 1: but when we slow it down, your biggest focus in

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Speaker 1: your twenties should be you a relationship, a romantic history.

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Speaker 1: It says absolutely nothing about your worth or where you're going,

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Speaker 1: and I think that it should be nothing more than

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Speaker 1: a bonus to an already fabulous life that you've created

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Speaker 1: for yourself. So I really want to help you. If

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Speaker 1: you are a late bloomer struggling with the fact that

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Speaker 1: a relationship just hasn't been in your timeline. Yet I

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Speaker 1: really want today's episode to allow you to go forward

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Speaker 1: with a little bit more ease, a little bit more grace,

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Speaker 1: a little bit less comparison, and just full acceptance that

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Speaker 1: things have worked out, they need the way they needed to,

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Speaker 1: and they will continue to unfold in the best possible way.

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Speaker 1: That might include love that's just around the corner in

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Speaker 1: a couple of weeks, it may include love that's around

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Speaker 1: the corner in a couple of years. But having confidence

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Speaker 1: in who you are, having confidence in your future, in

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Speaker 1: your dating experience, knowing that it will happen, That is

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Speaker 1: the most important thing that you can have right now.

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Speaker 1: It's actually probably more important than a relationship. Having confidence

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Speaker 1: in yourself and knowing that you can handle it no

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Speaker 1: matter what happens. So, without further ado, there is way

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Speaker 1: too much in this episode for me to keep rambling.

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Speaker 1: This is a huge episode, one I have waited so

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Speaker 1: long to do, and we're finally getting to it. So

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Speaker 1: let's get into it, all right, team, Let's start at

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Speaker 1: the very beginning. What is a late bloomer? Well, I

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Speaker 1: actually think there are two ways of seeing it. A

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Speaker 1: late bloomer can be, of course, a developmental term it

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Speaker 1: can also be a feeling. So the first kind of definition.

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Speaker 1: In healthcare and medicine, late bloomer is a term to

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Speaker 1: describe a child who was essentially not meeting certain developmental

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Speaker 1: milestones when they should. You know, you bring your little babe,

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Speaker 1: your little baby, your little infant into a doctor's office

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Speaker 1: and they say, oh, can they talk yet? Are they babbling?

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Speaker 1: Can they walk yet? And if the answer is no,

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Speaker 1: one they should be, they say, oh, they're a late bloomer.

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Speaker 1: They're taking their time. You kind of get the picture.

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Speaker 1: This term is based on the assumption that our progress

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Speaker 1: through life, through childhood, adolescence, adulthood should be measurable, predictable,

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Speaker 1: and as human beings we should all follow a very

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Speaker 1: similar path. When we aren't well, then there is something

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Speaker 1: quote unquote wrong with us that needs to be seen to.

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Speaker 1: There's something that needs to be fixed. Hopefully you see

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Speaker 1: where I'm going with this. You know, there really isn't

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Speaker 1: a predictable way that we all go through life. But

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Speaker 1: you know, for the sake of childhood development, maybe that

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Speaker 1: is true. When we are quite young, there is a

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Speaker 1: very rigid way of seeing our physical and cognitive development.

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Speaker 1: But slowly as we get older. That also soh that rigidity,

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Speaker 1: that inflexibility that timeline starts to also apply to our

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Speaker 1: social development and the relational or interpersonal milestones that we

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Speaker 1: should be hitting in our teens and twenties should be

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Speaker 1: the most important word here, and there is this belief

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Speaker 1: that if you haven't had your first kiss, you haven't

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Speaker 1: had sex, you haven't had your first relationship by a

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Speaker 1: certain period during those formative years, again, something is wrong.

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Speaker 1: Something's wrong with you. Obviously if you cannot tell by

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Speaker 1: the tone of my voice, I believe this is false.

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Speaker 1: But it leads me to the second way of seeing

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Speaker 1: the term late bloomer, And that's not so much as

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Speaker 1: a definition as it would as we would have it

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Speaker 1: in childhood. It's as a feeling. Being a late bloomer

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Speaker 1: is an individual appraisal and feeling of being behind. Like

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Speaker 1: when you look at your life and you look at

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Speaker 1: the norm, the norm is further ahead than you are

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Speaker 1: when it comes to some special event or thing that

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Speaker 1: you think should have happened to you by Now. There's

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Speaker 1: one problem with this, of course, which is that with

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Speaker 1: possibly millions almost probably like dozens of millions of other

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Speaker 1: people the same age as you, are now across all

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Speaker 1: continents and countries. There is no way to know exactly

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Speaker 1: what the norm is based on all of those averages.

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Speaker 1: There is actually no way to know if you are

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Speaker 1: truly behind. We tend to just base it off of

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Speaker 1: a skewed sample of those around us and what the

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Speaker 1: media or other influences are telling us, and it often

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Speaker 1: ends up making us feel terrible. The second point I

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Speaker 1: want to make here is so what so what the

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Speaker 1: norm is not where you are? Why does that really matter?

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Speaker 1: If this is the pace that you've gone at, if

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Speaker 1: this is your life story and no one else's, If

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Speaker 1: this is just how it's worked out, if you're happy,

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Speaker 1: why does it matter if the norm is further ahead,

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Speaker 1: if other people have made different choices than you. Let's

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Speaker 1: talk about the two main ways that we can kind

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Speaker 1: of feel like a late bloomer or feel behind in

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Speaker 1: our twenties. The first one is, of course, relationships, specifically

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Speaker 1: never having been in one, but also never having dated,

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Speaker 1: never having had that kind of intimate connection with someone,

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Speaker 1: never having had that intimacy. Because we see relationships and

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Speaker 1: attraction and love as such a reflection of ourselves and

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Speaker 1: as a society, we put dating on a pedestal. It

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Speaker 1: can sometimes feel like, if it hasn't happened yet, something

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Speaker 1: we must be going about it wrong. We are unattractive,

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Speaker 1: We must be undesirable, not funny, not confident enough, not enough,

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Speaker 1: because everyone else has figured out how to do it

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Speaker 1: but we haven't. We can also feel like equally like

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Speaker 1: we're missing out, especially during our twenties and during this

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Speaker 1: decade where there is a lot of chatter and a

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Speaker 1: lot of conversations around relationships, and it's this big storyline

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Speaker 1: that we're all kind of obsessed with during this decade.

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Speaker 1: You know, often it's portrayed to us as if there

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Speaker 1: is something very sacred contained in the relationship experience and

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Speaker 1: if you haven't had the chance to experience it yet,

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Speaker 1: well you're missing out. And of course, when that's the

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Speaker 1: way that you're made to feel, you want it even

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Speaker 1: more as the saying goes, You know, humans want what

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Speaker 1: they can't have, and so it's not uncommon to feel

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Speaker 1: maybe jealous or envious or frustrated even at your coupled friends,

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Speaker 1: or to sometimes yeah, believe that your life would be

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Speaker 1: so much better and you'd finally be happier if it

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Speaker 1: would just finally happen for you. So there's a great

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Speaker 1: deal of longing, and there's also a great deal of insecurity,

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Speaker 1: which is totally not It also certainly doesn't help that

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Speaker 1: our society, oh, by gosh, do they love to single shame.

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Speaker 1: In fact, a study done at a UK university a

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Speaker 1: couple of years ago that I quote quite a lot,

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Speaker 1: it examined single shaming and it found that statements like oh,

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Speaker 1: you know, all the good ones will be taken soon,

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Speaker 1: or statements like you're just too picky, or being given

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Speaker 1: unsolicited advice as a single person, that's part of the

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Speaker 1: single shaming experience, and it can actually cause people to

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Speaker 1: rush into relationships quicker. But they found that these same

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Speaker 1: relationships end up disintegrating sooner because the person that you

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Speaker 1: pick out of desperation is probably not going to be

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Speaker 1: the right person for you. But again, there's no judgment here.

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Speaker 1: You're facing this weird catch twenty two. You feel like

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Speaker 1: you're a failure if you're alone, But if you were

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Speaker 1: to date just anyone in settle, you wouldn't be happy either. Tough,

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Speaker 1: really tough. I actually asked you all over on Instagram

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Speaker 1: to share your experiences with this, because I think we

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Speaker 1: can learn the most from people going through it with us,

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Speaker 1: And there was this one story that illustrated this struggle

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Speaker 1: very very well. This came from a listener called Chavonne

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Speaker 1: who lives in Ireland. Ireland, Ireland. Sorry my Australian accent

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Speaker 1: makes it hard to say anyways, Cheven. I'm twenty seven

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Speaker 1: and I've never been in a long term relationship, but

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Speaker 1: I feel so ready. It feels like I'm waiting until

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Speaker 1: I find love for my life to start. But I

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Speaker 1: don't want it to be just anyone. I'm the last

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Speaker 1: of my friends to date. Some of my friends are

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Speaker 1: even married. And for the people who don't understand what

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Speaker 1: that feels like, imagine going out with all your friends

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Speaker 1: and they all get let into an exclusive club whilst

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Speaker 1: you have to sit outside. Sometimes they'll come out of

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Speaker 1: the club and sit with you for a little bit,

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Speaker 1: but they always end up going back in whilst you

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Speaker 1: were never let inside. At the end of the night,

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Speaker 1: they talk about how fun it was and have all

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Speaker 1: these stories, and you're sitting there thinking I can't relate

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Speaker 1: to any of this, but I so desperately wish I could.

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Speaker 1: That's what it feels like to be the last single friend.

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Speaker 1: I switched between feeling extremely desperate and also wanting to

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Speaker 1: take my time. But I worry that as I get older,

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Speaker 1: I'll never get to have this experience, and I'm running

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Speaker 1: out of time. I'll never get to have those feelings,

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Speaker 1: and that makes me so beyond depressed to think about

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Speaker 1: I just want to join the club. Oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: Chavonne that last line, I just want to join that club.

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Speaker 1: That sentence that hit me because I think we have

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Speaker 1: all in some capacity been there. That's such a human experience.

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Speaker 1: I remember exactly what that felt like, wanting to know

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Speaker 1: everyone's stories, wanting to know everyone's dating stories and relationship

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Speaker 1: stories so that I was prepared, but equally not wanting

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Speaker 1: them to know I couldn't participate in the conversation the

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Speaker 1: way that they were because I didn't have any of

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Speaker 1: those stories of my own, and feeling like everyone was

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Speaker 1: part of this secret society and I just like didn't

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Speaker 1: have access to the secrets yet. It's really really hard,

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Speaker 1: especially when it makes it hard to relate to other

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Speaker 1: people as well, and especially when you don't have other

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Speaker 1: single friends, or you don't have other late bloomer friends

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Speaker 1: who you can sometimes just like you know, relish and

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Speaker 1: the pity with sometimes you just want to feel shit

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Speaker 1: with someone else by your side. Let's talk about another

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Speaker 1: aspect of being a late bloomer in your twenties, and

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Speaker 1: that is virginity. Being in your twenties and not having

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Speaker 1: had sex yet can feel like there is a big

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Speaker 1: banner above your head and everyone knows, and everyone's judging you,

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Speaker 1: and you're judging you, and again the debate is between

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Speaker 1: do I wait or do I just get it over with?

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Speaker 1: It feels like if you didn't have sex as a teenager,

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Speaker 1: you must have been lame or uncool, or on a

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Speaker 1: train active or undesirable. And now if you were to

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Speaker 1: have sex, the person would know that you don't know

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Speaker 1: what you're doing. I'm going to say this right now.

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Speaker 1: Most people, when it comes to sex in their twenties

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Speaker 1: don't know what they're doing anyways, So you don't have

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Speaker 1: to worry about that. It's also important to say people

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Speaker 1: don't have sex for so many reasons, health reasons, religious reasons, asexuality,

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Speaker 1: personal choice, because they want it to be meaningful. That's

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Speaker 1: a good enough reason as any. Any of those reasons

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Speaker 1: are good reasons, plus many many more you know, I

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Speaker 1: had another DM from someone talking about how their friends

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Speaker 1: like the reason it was so hard to talk about

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Speaker 1: being a virgin or acknowledge it in their twenties was

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Speaker 1: because their friends would always put pressure on them on

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Speaker 1: nights out to just just get over with and they

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Speaker 1: would push her towards random guys and men and they

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Speaker 1: would go up to them and tell them that she

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Speaker 1: was a virgin, which had me like like goba smacked, gobbat,

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Speaker 1: I don't even have words like I'm literally speechless even

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Speaker 1: talking about that, because that is quite frankly disgusting, Like

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Speaker 1: that's disgusting. Why was it any of their business? And

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Speaker 1: why was like her virginity some fun little like party

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Speaker 1: trick that they could get drunk and like play with.

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Speaker 1: You know, I just think that's awful, and in all honesty,

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Speaker 1: I wish i'd waited. I'm somewhat envious of those who

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Speaker 1: have and now get to make an informed decision with

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Speaker 1: a more developed brain about when they want to have

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Speaker 1: sex with someone. You know, my first time was such

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Speaker 1: a bad experience and it definitely damaged my relationship with

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Speaker 1: sex for some time, and I remember thinking why did

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Speaker 1: I do that? Why did I do that with that person,

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Speaker 1: and it was because I felt like everyone else around

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Speaker 1: me was doing it and I didn't want to be

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Speaker 1: left out. I didn't want to fall behind. I didn't

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Speaker 1: want everyone else to look at me and say, well,

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Speaker 1: something's wrong with you. You're not part of the club. And

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Speaker 1: as someone who just scot it over with it was

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Speaker 1: a huge mistake. Choosing not to have sex or just

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Speaker 1: not having it because you haven't had it yet says

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Speaker 1: no more about your self worth than having had a

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Speaker 1: lot of sex. Honestly, we need to talk about virginity

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Speaker 1: shaming more during this decade, more during our twenties and

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Speaker 1: even in our thirties as well, because a virginity shaming,

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Speaker 1: much like single shaming, is so rife and b it's

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Speaker 1: just quite frankly, a weird thing to do. It's a

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Speaker 1: weird thing to shame someone for what they've chosen to

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Speaker 1: do with their body. Sometimes I do find that the

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Speaker 1: sex positivity movement has done so much incredible work for

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Speaker 1: reducing stigma around sex and having a lot of it,

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Speaker 1: and not too much about the stigma of not having any,

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Speaker 1: despite the fact that they are both individual choices to

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Speaker 1: do with bodily autonomy, I want to bring in another

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Speaker 1: study here, and it was a twenty twenty two study

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Speaker 1: that actually looked at the emotional consequences of virginity shaming

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Speaker 1: amongst thirty adult visions between the ages of twenty to

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Speaker 1: twenty nine, and it found that participants felt that virginity

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Speaker 1: shaming made it hard for them to feel like they belonged.

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Speaker 1: They felt that they weren't accepted for who they were,

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Speaker 1: and they had to justify or explain their choices when asked.

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Speaker 1: They felt more shy when it came to approaching people,

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Speaker 1: not because they were naturally shy individuals, there was no

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Speaker 1: correlation with introversion, only because they felt like people would

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Speaker 1: be able to tell or would judge them, and they

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Speaker 1: felt less desirable. And most of them also felt like

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Speaker 1: they were running out of time, especially the women. Essentially,

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Speaker 1: it can make us feel like everyone else is ahead

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Speaker 1: in this made up game of life and we better

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Speaker 1: catch up quick again, My big, big question is why

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Speaker 1: why do you need to catch up up? Just ask

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Speaker 1: yourself that one now, why what is so good about

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Speaker 1: the norm? What is so good about doing it the

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Speaker 1: way everyone else has done it? So there are some

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Speaker 1: other ways that we can be late bloomer. I'm not

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Speaker 1: really going to touch on them today, but in terms

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Speaker 1: of career, professional milestones, moving out of home, finding friends,

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Speaker 1: finding independence, all other valid ways. But I do really

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Speaker 1: want to focus on relationships here. I really want to

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Speaker 1: focus on being a late bloomer in love. And our

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Speaker 1: main question now is why is it so hard to

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Speaker 1: feel at peace with the fact that you are going

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Speaker 1: at your own pace or taking your time? Why is

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Speaker 1: that so horrible? What's with the external but also internalized

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Speaker 1: shame around being a late bloomer. Where does that come from?

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Speaker 1: Let's talk about it. I think, first of all, it

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Speaker 1: comes from this very romantic view of life whereby you

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Speaker 1: find love early on, and each step naturally leads you

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Speaker 1: to the next, and you've met your soulmate and you've

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Speaker 1: done everything by the age of sixteen, and you're an

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Speaker 1: adult and you're a big girl, and you never hesitate,

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Speaker 1: and you're never alone, you never doubt yourself, you never

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Speaker 1: go backwards, and everything is forward, forward, forward. That's just

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Speaker 1: not what it's honestly like when it comes to relationships

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Speaker 1: and love and figuring yourself out as well. But we've

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Speaker 1: been taught to embrace the linear, typical timeline and to

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Speaker 1: squeeze ourselves into the skin and life of someone who

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Speaker 1: has done it all and seemingly the right time, even

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Speaker 1: when that life is not right for us, and the

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Speaker 1: alternative to not having done it that way is a

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Speaker 1: lot of fomo, a lot of shame, a lot of sadness.

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Speaker 1: So this whole experience has another name. It's called social

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Speaker 1: clock theory. So social clock theory, this is the theory

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Speaker 1: you need to know if you are experiencing a lot

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Speaker 1: of late bloomer dread. It was introduced by the American

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Speaker 1: psychologist Bernice and your Garten back in the sixties, and

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Speaker 1: it basically refers to the culturally and socially constructed timeline

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Speaker 1: for achieving major life milestones like graduating, securing your career,

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Speaker 1: getting married, having children, having sex, all those things. Late bloomers.

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Speaker 1: Those of us who deviate from this expected timeline, they

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Speaker 1: often experience social pressure, self doubt, feeling behind because of

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Speaker 1: a social desire for conformity that they just haven't met.

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Speaker 1: And you know, there was even research back in the

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Speaker 1: nineties that suggests that individuals who fall outside of the

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Speaker 1: societal expectations in any of these ways, they really struggle

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Speaker 1: with comparison and with lowered self esteem, because naturally, comparison

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Speaker 1: is what a lot of this comes down to. We

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Speaker 1: are naturally comparative creatures as well, and we do want

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Speaker 1: to make sure we're doing it all right compared to

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Speaker 1: the average, because the alternative is that we're somehow doing

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Speaker 1: it wrong. We're not like others, we're not normal, and

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Speaker 1: we're at a higher risk of being ostracized. Now that

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Speaker 1: fear of being ostracized is a very primal one, which

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Speaker 1: is what makes it so hard to shut down. Even

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Speaker 1: if rationally you know that it's all going to be okay,

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Speaker 1: you're going to find love, you're going to have sex,

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Speaker 1: you're gonna do it all. You're just taking your time.

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Speaker 1: When it comes to love in particular and relationships, I

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Speaker 1: think our comparison evolves into something even harder to deal

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Speaker 1: with called shiny object syndrome. Now this is actually an

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Speaker 1: economics or like a consumer economics term, I like to

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Speaker 1: adapt it to be used when it comes to comparison

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Speaker 1: and wanting what we can't have. So it's not just

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Speaker 1: that we feel inadequate, it's that we are then continually

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Speaker 1: drawn and obsessed with the thing that we don't have

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Speaker 1: with this new shiny thing that everyone else has that

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Speaker 1: we just need to have at the expense of everything else.

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Speaker 1: It's an obsession, you know, that shiny object, this shiny

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Speaker 1: idea of love. We're so obsessed with it, we'll do

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Speaker 1: anything for it. But then when we get it, we realize, oh,

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Speaker 1: you know, this is not really all that I was

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Speaker 1: told it was going to be. This really like, yes

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Speaker 1: it's great, Yes it's fine, but I sacrificed so much

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00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:12,600
Speaker 1: to get this wasn't even worth it. Why did I

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Speaker 1: feel like I was in such a rush. And it's

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Speaker 1: because of the social impact on the social drive to

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Speaker 1: fit in. Shiny object theory also explains why psychologically we

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Speaker 1: don't believe that we will be happy if we don't

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Speaker 1: have what everyone else has, something I'm sure many of

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Speaker 1: you can relate to. So social clock theory is a

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Speaker 1: really important one to know, and it also really links to,

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Speaker 1: of course, milestone anxiety, this increasing sense of dread as

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Speaker 1: time goes on, that you are not reaching certain milestones

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Speaker 1: when you should. So there was some research released in

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Speaker 1: twenty twenty two that some of you may have actually seen.

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Speaker 1: It polled around two thousand young young adults and it

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Speaker 1: asked them in terms of where everyone else sits, in

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Speaker 1: terms of what you think you should be doing, where

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Speaker 1: you think you should be Do you feel behind? I

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Speaker 1: want you to just mentally for me. How many of

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Speaker 1: these individuals from the age of nineteen to thirty nine,

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Speaker 1: how many of them said I feel behind? Here's your answer?

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Speaker 1: Eighty percent, Well over a majority. It really begs the question,

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Speaker 1: eighty percent. If eight out of ten of us feel behind,

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Speaker 1: why isn't feeling behind the norm? Why is it that

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Speaker 1: the minority of people who feel like somehow they have

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Speaker 1: it all together and have done it all correctly? Why

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Speaker 1: are they the ones who are doing it right? Surely

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Speaker 1: it seems that having a bit more fluidity and flexibility

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Speaker 1: and kind of veering off the path every now and again,

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Speaker 1: that seems like the right way to do it if

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Speaker 1: the majority of people are doing it that way, and again,

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Speaker 1: if I haven't said it already, who is making up

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Speaker 1: these milestones like I didn't give my input. I don't

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00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:13,000
Speaker 1: remember being invited to a focus group. I don't remember

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Speaker 1: anyone asking me all these questions about when I had

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Speaker 1: sex for the first time and when my first relationship

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Speaker 1: was and putting it into a big spreadsheet to find

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Speaker 1: the average. In many, many ways, these milestones and the

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Speaker 1: ages attached to them are imaginary. It doesn't mean it

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00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:35,760
Speaker 1: doesn't still feel hard and distressing and uncomfortable when we

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Speaker 1: don't conform. But I want you to remember it's not

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Speaker 1: as real and tangible as you think it is. No

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Speaker 1: one is comparing you to some factual spreadsheet that has

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Speaker 1: the exact age and number of months that you should

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Speaker 1: have completed this by. So at the end of the day,

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00:23:55,119 --> 00:23:58,119
Speaker 1: we do still know this is difficult. What are some

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00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:00,520
Speaker 1: of the emotional consequences of being a late bloomer in

404
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:03,159
Speaker 1: this world? And what do we do about it? What

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00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:06,240
Speaker 1: do we do about it when just getting into a relationship,

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00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:10,600
Speaker 1: just getting out there and dating isn't really an option. Well,

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Speaker 1: we are going to talk about all of that, as

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00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:17,199
Speaker 1: well as so so much more how to date as

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Speaker 1: a late bloomer some of the biggest anxieties that we

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00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:30,040
Speaker 1: deal with after this shortbreak. We've already spoken about a

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Speaker 1: few of the consequences that we face of being a

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Speaker 1: late bloomer. One we haven't spoken about yet is shame.

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Speaker 1: If you are a late bloomer, I'm sure that shame

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00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:44,400
Speaker 1: is a frequent emotion in your emotional talkkit. I want

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00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:47,920
Speaker 1: to read you another story from a listener here about

416
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:50,399
Speaker 1: the shame of not having done at all on this

417
00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:54,879
Speaker 1: imaginary timeline. Here we go, I'm twenty one and I

418
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:58,439
Speaker 1: haven't even held hands romantically or had my first kiss.

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Speaker 1: There is a lot of shame surrounding this. I feel

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00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:05,000
Speaker 1: so inexperienced, like no one will want me because I

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00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:07,879
Speaker 1: don't know what I'm doing. I am definitely an introvert

422
00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:11,520
Speaker 1: and struggle putting myself out there. One part of me

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00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,879
Speaker 1: has acknowledged that I'm still so young, why rush? My

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00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,119
Speaker 1: time will come. I will find someone who loves me.

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00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:20,080
Speaker 1: The other part of me continues to find that this

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Speaker 1: shame comes and goes in waves. I want to say this.

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Speaker 1: I actually asked a group of my friends at dinner

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Speaker 1: the other night. There's about fourteen of us at dinner,

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Speaker 1: some men, some women, some queer, some heterosexual. I like,

430
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:36,720
Speaker 1: put it towards the table. Would you hesitate to date

431
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:41,160
Speaker 1: someone because they were inexperienced? Not one of them said yes.

432
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:44,280
Speaker 1: All of them says that doesn't really matter to me,

433
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:47,840
Speaker 1: as long as we click. Some people even said, hey,

434
00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:50,040
Speaker 1: it might even be an upside might even be a

435
00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:53,879
Speaker 1: positive thing because they're not jaded, they have less baggage.

436
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:56,879
Speaker 1: We get to experience this, like I feel like I

437
00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:58,720
Speaker 1: will get to experience what it feels like to fall

438
00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:01,040
Speaker 1: in love for the first time again with this person

439
00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:04,000
Speaker 1: because it's all fresh and you to them. But that

440
00:26:04,119 --> 00:26:07,760
Speaker 1: battle between trying to be hopeful and also succuming to

441
00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:11,879
Speaker 1: shame is a very common one. You gotta remember, shame

442
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:18,520
Speaker 1: is a social emotion. No human child person, it naturally

443
00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:20,399
Speaker 1: comes out of the womb feeling shame. It's something that

444
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:22,760
Speaker 1: is taught to you. It is something that you have

445
00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:26,000
Speaker 1: been made to feel. So I want you to interrogate

446
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:28,879
Speaker 1: and really think, when was the first time I was

447
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:32,080
Speaker 1: made to feel ashamed for this? What was that person

448
00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:36,240
Speaker 1: probably thinking? What were they projecting onto me? And why

449
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:39,879
Speaker 1: in the world was it any of their business? Another

450
00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:43,880
Speaker 1: emotional consequence. Another side of this is also fear. We've

451
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:46,199
Speaker 1: spoken about this a little bit, but what if it

452
00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:50,680
Speaker 1: never happens? What if I'd never find love? It's probably

453
00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:54,080
Speaker 1: a bit scary to even hear me say that. Right. Firstly,

454
00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:58,640
Speaker 1: I just gonna say it. It's highly unlikely, entirely unlikely.

455
00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:01,040
Speaker 1: It's gonna clear that up for you. It just hasn't

456
00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:03,919
Speaker 1: been your time yet doesn't mean it won't happen. And

457
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:06,280
Speaker 1: I'm allowed to say this. I feel like I have

458
00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:08,919
Speaker 1: permission to say this because I have seen this happen

459
00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:11,600
Speaker 1: again and again and again. I have seen friends of

460
00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:14,680
Speaker 1: mine who were in their thirties and never had a

461
00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:18,600
Speaker 1: serious relationship find someone. I have seen people who are

462
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,240
Speaker 1: twenty seven, twenty eight, never had sex, never had a kiss,

463
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:24,800
Speaker 1: and suddenly it just all starts happening for them. It's

464
00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:28,119
Speaker 1: okay to feel afraid of that possibility. I think the

465
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,720
Speaker 1: reason that we do feel particularly afraid of what it

466
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:33,240
Speaker 1: would be like to never have that experience is because

467
00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:37,080
Speaker 1: there are very few examples of what that looks like.

468
00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:40,399
Speaker 1: You know, there are very few people out there who

469
00:27:40,560 --> 00:27:43,960
Speaker 1: are open about being a virgin at forty. There are

470
00:27:44,119 --> 00:27:47,520
Speaker 1: very few influencers who are fifty and have never been

471
00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:50,880
Speaker 1: in a relationship. And that means that if you're twenty

472
00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:53,639
Speaker 1: or nineteen or twenty five or twenty eight or whatever

473
00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:56,560
Speaker 1: age you are looking for some sign that you will

474
00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:59,639
Speaker 1: be okay even if it doesn't happen, you are going

475
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:02,399
Speaker 1: to str to find one. Because the stigma likes to

476
00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:05,720
Speaker 1: keep those people silent, and so therefore you will struggle

477
00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:08,119
Speaker 1: to feel like it is acceptable, and the fear of

478
00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:10,479
Speaker 1: it not happening is going to be a lot bigger

479
00:28:11,359 --> 00:28:15,000
Speaker 1: to that fear. Let me also say this, eighty five

480
00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:17,520
Speaker 1: percent of our worst fear has never come true. It's

481
00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:20,600
Speaker 1: probably an even higher number. It's probably something around ninety percent.

482
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:24,600
Speaker 1: And for the ten to fifteen percent that might come true,

483
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:30,359
Speaker 1: studies have continuously shown that people hand all those situations,

484
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:34,200
Speaker 1: the very situations they feared more than any other, way

485
00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:37,080
Speaker 1: better than they expected they would, way better than they

486
00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:40,920
Speaker 1: thought that they ever could. So even if it never happens,

487
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:45,760
Speaker 1: what's to say you still won't have an amazing life.

488
00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:49,760
Speaker 1: You still won't be deeply happy, have love in other forms.

489
00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:54,000
Speaker 1: I think in order to release our shame around being

490
00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:56,520
Speaker 1: a late bloomer, we have to let go of the

491
00:28:56,560 --> 00:29:00,640
Speaker 1: fear that if things were never to change, we wouldn't

492
00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:05,719
Speaker 1: necessarily be miserable. You would be okay. You are going

493
00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:08,719
Speaker 1: to be okay. And I have seen it happen. I

494
00:29:08,800 --> 00:29:11,520
Speaker 1: just really know I've already said this, but oh my gosh,

495
00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:13,960
Speaker 1: I just wish I could tell you how many times

496
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:19,040
Speaker 1: I have seen single friends of mine, find their first relationship,

497
00:29:19,360 --> 00:29:21,680
Speaker 1: start dating for the first time at thirty five or

498
00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:24,160
Speaker 1: even older, or had sex for the first time in

499
00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:27,640
Speaker 1: their late twenties, and just found that suddenly, one day,

500
00:29:27,680 --> 00:29:31,480
Speaker 1: the circumstances are perfect, the right person just walks in,

501
00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:35,240
Speaker 1: and because they didn't rush or settle like so many

502
00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:38,760
Speaker 1: of us, they have all the maturity and readiness to

503
00:29:38,800 --> 00:29:42,000
Speaker 1: be one hundred percent in, one hundred percent committed, and

504
00:29:42,040 --> 00:29:45,080
Speaker 1: they get to have all those experiences they've ever dreamed of.

505
00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:47,880
Speaker 1: I'll also say this, sorry, I'm not even done with

506
00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:51,240
Speaker 1: my point yet. I think the reason that you're convinced

507
00:29:51,240 --> 00:29:53,040
Speaker 1: it will never happen is because you don't know what

508
00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:55,840
Speaker 1: it will feel like when it does. You can only

509
00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:58,720
Speaker 1: ruminate on what you do know, which is where you

510
00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:00,760
Speaker 1: are right now, which is this situation in which it

511
00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:03,360
Speaker 1: hasn't happened yet. That is the only feeling that you

512
00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:06,360
Speaker 1: are familiar with, and so that feeling is so much

513
00:30:06,400 --> 00:30:09,640
Speaker 1: stronger than the alternative feeling of knowing what it feels

514
00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:13,720
Speaker 1: like to be in love. So always what is known,

515
00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:17,120
Speaker 1: what is normal, what is status quo for you, is

516
00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:20,720
Speaker 1: going to dominate over possibility, and so the voice in

517
00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:23,320
Speaker 1: your head that's saying this is what's always what it's

518
00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:25,280
Speaker 1: always going to be like, is naturally going to be

519
00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:28,720
Speaker 1: so much louder than the part of you who is saying, hey,

520
00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:31,400
Speaker 1: but look at this situation that could potentially happen. It

521
00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:34,760
Speaker 1: hasn't happened yet, there's less salience to it, there's less

522
00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:38,400
Speaker 1: depth to it. It feels less believable. Doesn't mean that

523
00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:42,440
Speaker 1: it is. So. With all of this in mind, I

524
00:30:42,480 --> 00:30:45,920
Speaker 1: want to talk about how we can embrace being a

525
00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:49,680
Speaker 1: late bloomer and feel more confident when dating, when putting

526
00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:53,040
Speaker 1: ourselves out there, but also more confident with taking our time.

527
00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:56,400
Speaker 1: I'm going to start this section by giving you an

528
00:30:56,440 --> 00:31:00,560
Speaker 1: affirmation here, and it's a quote that actually came from

529
00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:04,000
Speaker 1: Milan the movie. It's one of the most beautiful things

530
00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:07,520
Speaker 1: I've ever heard. The last flower to bloom is the

531
00:31:07,560 --> 00:31:10,680
Speaker 1: most beautiful of all, and it's normally the one that

532
00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:15,200
Speaker 1: blooms the longest, and I found that very much to

533
00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:19,480
Speaker 1: be true. There's another quote that I think accompanies this one.

534
00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:22,360
Speaker 1: You should never trust an elevator that rises too fast,

535
00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:26,040
Speaker 1: because it doesn't last. And the reason I think it's

536
00:31:26,080 --> 00:31:30,160
Speaker 1: necessary to bring these up is because it highlights an

537
00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:34,440
Speaker 1: important truth the slower you think you're moving through life,

538
00:31:34,600 --> 00:31:37,600
Speaker 1: the more you are actually getting to experience and take

539
00:31:37,640 --> 00:31:41,400
Speaker 1: it all in. The less you're rushing, meaning the longer

540
00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:45,160
Speaker 1: you get to be in the process of blooming rather

541
00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:48,800
Speaker 1: than fully blossomed, fully flowered, rather than at the final

542
00:31:48,840 --> 00:31:52,360
Speaker 1: stage of development, thinking, Oh, I got here so fast,

543
00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:56,560
Speaker 1: I didn't even get to enjoy my own evolution. Now,

544
00:31:57,040 --> 00:32:00,400
Speaker 1: I've spoken to people about this who have seemingly found

545
00:32:00,440 --> 00:32:03,560
Speaker 1: everything very very early on. We would assume, or as

546
00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:05,520
Speaker 1: a late bloomer, you would, it would be very easy

547
00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:08,320
Speaker 1: for you to assume that they must be really, really happy,

548
00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:12,000
Speaker 1: that they must not have any doubts about their future.

549
00:32:12,920 --> 00:32:16,320
Speaker 1: Actually it's quite the opposite. One of the sentiments. I

550
00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:19,600
Speaker 1: actually hear a lot that people, you know, they're not

551
00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:22,160
Speaker 1: very loud about because it feels strange to talk about.

552
00:32:22,600 --> 00:32:24,520
Speaker 1: But it's a sentiment I actually hear from a lot

553
00:32:24,520 --> 00:32:28,400
Speaker 1: of my friends who found their long term partner quite young,

554
00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:31,920
Speaker 1: and I'm talking under the age of twenty six twenty five.

555
00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:35,720
Speaker 1: A lot of them say, I wish that I got

556
00:32:35,720 --> 00:32:38,760
Speaker 1: to enjoy being single a little bit longer. I wish

557
00:32:38,760 --> 00:32:44,120
Speaker 1: that I had not rushed so fast. I wish that

558
00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:45,800
Speaker 1: I had just known it was going to happen, and

559
00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:50,360
Speaker 1: just let myself enjoy the single period for a longer

560
00:32:50,400 --> 00:32:54,680
Speaker 1: time with more ease. You know, the grass is always greener.

561
00:32:54,720 --> 00:32:58,120
Speaker 1: I guess I think my biggest tip is to remember

562
00:32:58,120 --> 00:33:01,360
Speaker 1: this is to remember there is absolutely no way of knowing,

563
00:33:01,600 --> 00:33:04,080
Speaker 1: no way of knowing that if it had happened any differently,

564
00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:07,560
Speaker 1: you would be any happier. But secondly, that doesn't mean

565
00:33:07,600 --> 00:33:10,960
Speaker 1: you don't get to grieve the early experiences that you

566
00:33:11,080 --> 00:33:14,479
Speaker 1: wish you'd had. As much as I'm trying to convince

567
00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:16,640
Speaker 1: you that it's not as important as you think, you

568
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:19,160
Speaker 1: can take your time. It's very easy for me to

569
00:33:19,160 --> 00:33:21,800
Speaker 1: say considering that I've had them, and I know that

570
00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:24,360
Speaker 1: if you haven't, it can really feel like you've missed out.

571
00:33:25,080 --> 00:33:28,240
Speaker 1: It's okay to be sad about that, if not for

572
00:33:28,320 --> 00:33:30,960
Speaker 1: you right now, even if you're happy right now, it's

573
00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:33,360
Speaker 1: okay to be sad for the version of you who

574
00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:36,320
Speaker 1: really wanted it to happen. But then we have to

575
00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:39,920
Speaker 1: get focused on the future. And counter to what you

576
00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:43,120
Speaker 1: might think, just because it hasn't happened doesn't make you

577
00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:48,960
Speaker 1: any less desirable, any less attractive. You can still have

578
00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:53,720
Speaker 1: a really rewarding dating life and a really amazing dating life. Actually,

579
00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:56,200
Speaker 1: I'm gonna even I'm gonna bump it up, yere, you

580
00:33:56,240 --> 00:33:59,200
Speaker 1: can still have the best dating life just because it

581
00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:03,160
Speaker 1: hasn't happened yet. And I think that really means sinking

582
00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:08,239
Speaker 1: very deeply into you, know what makes you unique, and

583
00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:12,239
Speaker 1: knowing what makes you really really happy, and knowing that

584
00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:16,759
Speaker 1: the asset you have now is that you have greater maturity,

585
00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:20,080
Speaker 1: you're more independent, you have all these other life lessons

586
00:34:20,080 --> 00:34:23,440
Speaker 1: that other people may have neglected in their obsessive pursuit

587
00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:26,279
Speaker 1: of love. So if you're in that phase of being like,

588
00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:28,440
Speaker 1: all right, cool, I'm feeling insecure about this, but I

589
00:34:28,440 --> 00:34:30,200
Speaker 1: want to get back out there. I want you to

590
00:34:30,239 --> 00:34:33,640
Speaker 1: start by trying to cut out the rumination and do

591
00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:36,200
Speaker 1: things that you find interesting and that make you interesting

592
00:34:36,280 --> 00:34:42,280
Speaker 1: and that you think interesting. So I'm talking confidence through

593
00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:49,120
Speaker 1: I guess, confidence through opportunity and experience and passion. Put

594
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:53,120
Speaker 1: yourself into group situations doing things you love. Join rollerderby,

595
00:34:53,280 --> 00:34:57,320
Speaker 1: join field hockey, join a ceramics class, get yourself around people,

596
00:34:57,440 --> 00:35:02,239
Speaker 1: get yourself feeling alive. Find groups that align with your

597
00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:06,400
Speaker 1: interests and insert yourself into them, show up, be present,

598
00:35:06,520 --> 00:35:09,400
Speaker 1: talk to people. Let me say this, for all the

599
00:35:09,480 --> 00:35:13,320
Speaker 1: emphasis on dating apps, the meet cute is not dead.

600
00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:15,800
Speaker 1: And I know that dating apps can feel really overwhelming

601
00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:18,520
Speaker 1: if you haven't had some of those early dating experiences.

602
00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:22,239
Speaker 1: You can meet people without them. Like I'm saying this

603
00:35:22,719 --> 00:35:26,360
Speaker 1: as someone who literally sometimes does advertisements for dating apps,

604
00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:29,960
Speaker 1: they are not absolutely necessary. You can still meet amazing

605
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:33,520
Speaker 1: people face to face and maybe that's what's more comfortable

606
00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:36,680
Speaker 1: for you because you get to actually know them and

607
00:35:36,719 --> 00:35:40,960
Speaker 1: have a friendship first, which feels more authentic. So my

608
00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:44,719
Speaker 1: first big tip get into groups, Get into communities where

609
00:35:44,719 --> 00:35:49,080
Speaker 1: you feel aligned with people. Secondly, make a bucket list

610
00:35:49,320 --> 00:35:51,760
Speaker 1: of things that you want to do that have nothing

611
00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:55,520
Speaker 1: to do with love and sex and relationships. Sometimes I

612
00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:57,759
Speaker 1: find when this is one thing that we feel we're

613
00:35:57,760 --> 00:35:59,719
Speaker 1: missing out on or we can think about, is that

614
00:35:59,760 --> 00:36:02,640
Speaker 1: one thing. It's the shiny object syndrome. Right, my god,

615
00:36:02,640 --> 00:36:04,640
Speaker 1: there's this shiny thing and I'm obsessed with it, and

616
00:36:04,680 --> 00:36:07,120
Speaker 1: if I don't have it, I'm gonna die. It's gonna

617
00:36:07,120 --> 00:36:09,000
Speaker 1: be awful, I'm gonna be miserable. That's the only thing

618
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:13,360
Speaker 1: that's gonna make me happy. Stop. No, that's a fallacy.

619
00:36:13,400 --> 00:36:15,239
Speaker 1: Your brain is trying to tell you you can be

620
00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:18,080
Speaker 1: happy doing a hell of a lot more things. So

621
00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:19,799
Speaker 1: I want you to make a bucket list of all

622
00:36:19,880 --> 00:36:21,480
Speaker 1: the things that you really want to do. To make

623
00:36:21,520 --> 00:36:24,640
Speaker 1: sure you're continuing to put time into yourself, even though

624
00:36:24,680 --> 00:36:27,480
Speaker 1: you feel maybe held back by being a late bloomer.

625
00:36:28,239 --> 00:36:31,399
Speaker 1: Make sure that your life is just overflowing in every

626
00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:35,120
Speaker 1: other area. I also want you to make a second

627
00:36:35,160 --> 00:36:37,719
Speaker 1: list of things that you can only do when you're

628
00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:40,640
Speaker 1: single that your future self is going to thank you

629
00:36:40,680 --> 00:36:44,120
Speaker 1: for doing it now. And let me tell you this,

630
00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:47,360
Speaker 1: they're gonna thank you. I did this when I was single,

631
00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:49,880
Speaker 1: and I'm so glad I did, because when you have

632
00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:53,320
Speaker 1: shared a bed with someone for like the five thousandth

633
00:36:53,400 --> 00:36:57,200
Speaker 1: night in a row, sometimes you miss being single and

634
00:36:57,239 --> 00:37:00,359
Speaker 1: in your own bed and just like getting to whatever

635
00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:04,680
Speaker 1: you want it, Like, there are actual perks to having

636
00:37:04,719 --> 00:37:08,439
Speaker 1: like that freedom and like just agency to just do

637
00:37:08,800 --> 00:37:11,600
Speaker 1: anything and not have to consider someone else and not

638
00:37:11,719 --> 00:37:13,799
Speaker 1: have to think about their opinion and not have to,

639
00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:18,200
Speaker 1: you know, not have to really understand that you're doing

640
00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:21,319
Speaker 1: this as a partnership and just have some fun with

641
00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:24,200
Speaker 1: your single life. I also want you to if you're

642
00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:27,600
Speaker 1: getting back into dating. Treat dating as an experiment and

643
00:37:27,719 --> 00:37:30,840
Speaker 1: take it in stages. It can feel very overwhelming to

644
00:37:30,920 --> 00:37:33,760
Speaker 1: go from not dating, not having anything romantic really happening

645
00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:35,799
Speaker 1: to you, to being like, oh my god, I'm on

646
00:37:35,840 --> 00:37:37,920
Speaker 1: five dates in a week and this is exhausting, and

647
00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:40,440
Speaker 1: I have to talk to all these people and I

648
00:37:40,520 --> 00:37:43,399
Speaker 1: just can't manage the emotional intensity of it. So take

649
00:37:43,440 --> 00:37:46,840
Speaker 1: it in stages. Start by just having conversations with people

650
00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:49,600
Speaker 1: you find attractive. You're allowed to talk to people you

651
00:37:49,680 --> 00:37:52,360
Speaker 1: find attractive. I was like, Oh, they don't want to

652
00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:56,279
Speaker 1: talk to me. Who gives a fuck? You're cool? Who cares?

653
00:37:56,600 --> 00:37:58,480
Speaker 1: Like you're a cool person. If they don't want to

654
00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:00,960
Speaker 1: talk to you, like they're an asshole, talk to them,

655
00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:04,040
Speaker 1: even if you feel judged, even if you feel embarrassed, whatever,

656
00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:08,480
Speaker 1: Who cares, that's their problem. You're a catch. You're an

657
00:38:08,520 --> 00:38:12,239
Speaker 1: absolute catch. Also, you'll be surprised by how much of

658
00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:14,400
Speaker 1: that is in your own head and how many people

659
00:38:14,400 --> 00:38:16,960
Speaker 1: do actually find you really interesting and fun and want

660
00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:20,640
Speaker 1: to talk to you and find you attractive. Secondly, download

661
00:38:20,640 --> 00:38:24,080
Speaker 1: the dating apps if you want, but for the first

662
00:38:24,080 --> 00:38:28,520
Speaker 1: little bit, just like people like, just engage with their profiles,

663
00:38:29,200 --> 00:38:31,560
Speaker 1: don't go out with anyone, don't do any of that

664
00:38:31,680 --> 00:38:34,359
Speaker 1: practice and flirting. I want you to just start by

665
00:38:34,400 --> 00:38:36,840
Speaker 1: liking people. I just want you to start by seeing

666
00:38:36,840 --> 00:38:40,000
Speaker 1: that people like you back, then start by talking to people.

667
00:38:40,640 --> 00:38:44,080
Speaker 1: Please be picky. I do not want to see you

668
00:38:44,520 --> 00:38:49,080
Speaker 1: giving likes out or swiping left right swiping yes. I

669
00:38:49,080 --> 00:38:51,480
Speaker 1: don't know which way it is anymore, swiping yes on

670
00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:54,720
Speaker 1: people who you aren't attracted to. We are not settling

671
00:38:54,719 --> 00:38:56,640
Speaker 1: in this moment. We are not saying, oh, well, you know,

672
00:38:57,600 --> 00:39:00,120
Speaker 1: they look like they'd accept me. They look like like

673
00:39:00,920 --> 00:39:02,920
Speaker 1: I can't be picky. I can't go for the hot ones.

674
00:39:03,320 --> 00:39:06,000
Speaker 1: I can't go for the people who seem more experienced.

675
00:39:06,440 --> 00:39:09,360
Speaker 1: None of that. We are only engaging with people on

676
00:39:09,400 --> 00:39:12,120
Speaker 1: the dating apps who we would genuinely really like to

677
00:39:12,239 --> 00:39:15,680
Speaker 1: date and think are really attractive and cool. Once you

678
00:39:15,680 --> 00:39:18,359
Speaker 1: have just started to talk to people, I want you

679
00:39:18,440 --> 00:39:22,560
Speaker 1: to wait for someone to ask you out. Now, normally

680
00:39:22,719 --> 00:39:24,600
Speaker 1: I would say, go and ask someone else, go and

681
00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:27,239
Speaker 1: ask someone else out, go and just like shoot your shot.

682
00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:30,439
Speaker 1: I think you deserve for someone to ask you out.

683
00:39:31,360 --> 00:39:34,839
Speaker 1: I think that you deserve to have that experience, So

684
00:39:35,160 --> 00:39:38,120
Speaker 1: wait for them. You have plenty of years to ask

685
00:39:38,200 --> 00:39:40,239
Speaker 1: other people out. If it's gonna be your first date,

686
00:39:40,239 --> 00:39:42,640
Speaker 1: if you're just starting out again, make them come to you.

687
00:39:43,160 --> 00:39:44,840
Speaker 1: It will make you feel confident, it will make you

688
00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:50,000
Speaker 1: feel desired, and then go on a date. Oh my gosh,

689
00:39:50,040 --> 00:39:52,640
Speaker 1: how fun. I have a whole episode on this called

690
00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:56,560
Speaker 1: how to Have Better First Dates. Genuinely, the amount of

691
00:39:56,640 --> 00:39:59,440
Speaker 1: dms and comments I get from people saying this is

692
00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:01,560
Speaker 1: how I met my partner. I use those tips and

693
00:40:01,600 --> 00:40:04,399
Speaker 1: suddenly I didn't feel nervous anymore, had the best first

694
00:40:04,440 --> 00:40:06,839
Speaker 1: date of my life. Now we've been dating. I love

695
00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:10,399
Speaker 1: that episode. Listen to that episode, but also remember your

696
00:40:10,440 --> 00:40:13,080
Speaker 1: main objective here is to have fun and learn things

697
00:40:13,120 --> 00:40:17,319
Speaker 1: about yourself. Dating is a lot, Meeting new people is

698
00:40:17,360 --> 00:40:20,960
Speaker 1: a lot. Sometimes you need to disconnect from the event

699
00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:24,080
Speaker 1: and the significance of it for you to really enjoy it.

700
00:40:24,920 --> 00:40:28,160
Speaker 1: I have a friend who she also took a while

701
00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:30,600
Speaker 1: to start dating, and when she went on those first

702
00:40:30,719 --> 00:40:33,480
Speaker 1: few dates, it was so nerve racking and she really

703
00:40:33,520 --> 00:40:35,920
Speaker 1: couldn't get up the mental barrier of it. So I

704
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:38,480
Speaker 1: told her, I want you to think of it like

705
00:40:39,320 --> 00:40:41,680
Speaker 1: it's you're writing an article, like she's a journalist. And

706
00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:43,920
Speaker 1: I was like, you know, when you go on those dates,

707
00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:45,960
Speaker 1: you're like, yes, you're there to have the date, but

708
00:40:45,960 --> 00:40:48,520
Speaker 1: you're also there to like investigate, You're there to like

709
00:40:48,560 --> 00:40:51,080
Speaker 1: get information or I want you to imagine that like

710
00:40:51,120 --> 00:40:53,040
Speaker 1: you're on the state where actually you're on a TV show.

711
00:40:54,280 --> 00:40:57,520
Speaker 1: We just want some kind of cognitive distancing so you

712
00:40:57,560 --> 00:40:59,960
Speaker 1: don't just think, oh my god, it's a first date.

713
00:41:00,120 --> 00:41:02,040
Speaker 1: It's a date, and this is so intense and it

714
00:41:02,040 --> 00:41:04,880
Speaker 1: has to go well, this is just experimental for you.

715
00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:07,960
Speaker 1: Remember you're in your experimental phase. You're just getting to

716
00:41:08,000 --> 00:41:12,279
Speaker 1: know yourself more through this dating period. It's going to

717
00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:15,840
Speaker 1: be scary. It's going to be scary, but being scared

718
00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:18,719
Speaker 1: is actually an important part of the process. I also

719
00:41:18,800 --> 00:41:22,200
Speaker 1: want you to remember two final things. If someone is

720
00:41:22,200 --> 00:41:23,880
Speaker 1: on a date with you, if someone is talking to you,

721
00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:26,600
Speaker 1: they are doing that by choice. You know, if they

722
00:41:26,640 --> 00:41:28,879
Speaker 1: didn't want to be there, they wouldn't be there. They

723
00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:31,719
Speaker 1: are at the very least a little bit curious about you.

724
00:41:32,760 --> 00:41:35,799
Speaker 1: Before you start overthinking. As well, I want you to

725
00:41:35,880 --> 00:41:39,799
Speaker 1: also remember you cannot say the wrong thing to the

726
00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:45,080
Speaker 1: right person. Please please be authentically yourself. You have worked

727
00:41:45,120 --> 00:41:48,600
Speaker 1: so hard to be that way. For your entire life.

728
00:41:48,640 --> 00:41:51,319
Speaker 1: Don't give it up now just because you have this

729
00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:55,279
Speaker 1: potential of getting into a relationship. Let me just say this, Yes,

730
00:41:55,320 --> 00:41:57,960
Speaker 1: the right relationship is amazing. If it's the wrong relationship,

731
00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:00,840
Speaker 1: it's just a waste of your fucking time. So please

732
00:42:00,880 --> 00:42:03,840
Speaker 1: don't settle. You know, there's a twenty thirteen study that

733
00:42:03,880 --> 00:42:05,800
Speaker 1: I think of all the time when I give people

734
00:42:05,800 --> 00:42:09,839
Speaker 1: this advice. I quote it always, and it's about how

735
00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:12,760
Speaker 1: people who have an innate fear of being single actually

736
00:42:12,800 --> 00:42:15,719
Speaker 1: tend to settle for a whole lot less. And the

737
00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:18,239
Speaker 1: people who end up settling when they come back to

738
00:42:18,280 --> 00:42:20,680
Speaker 1: them in two years time, they are a whole lot

739
00:42:21,160 --> 00:42:24,120
Speaker 1: less happy compared to people who were also in the

740
00:42:24,160 --> 00:42:26,560
Speaker 1: experiment who stayed single for that same amount of time.

741
00:42:26,840 --> 00:42:28,520
Speaker 1: So we've got two groups of people here, the people

742
00:42:28,560 --> 00:42:30,560
Speaker 1: who settle the people who said, no, I like who

743
00:42:30,600 --> 00:42:32,640
Speaker 1: I am, I'm gonna stay this way and wait for

744
00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:35,680
Speaker 1: the right person. That group was happier. I want you

745
00:42:35,800 --> 00:42:38,880
Speaker 1: to be part of that group. Please do not settle

746
00:42:38,880 --> 00:42:42,399
Speaker 1: for less. Be authentic. You cannot say the wrong thing

747
00:42:42,520 --> 00:42:46,560
Speaker 1: to the right person. You will lose nothing, nothing, nothing nothing.

748
00:42:47,239 --> 00:42:49,600
Speaker 1: You only have things to gain by showing up as

749
00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:54,600
Speaker 1: your true self. I want to finish up this episode

750
00:42:54,880 --> 00:42:56,879
Speaker 1: doing two things. Firstly is I want to talk about

751
00:42:56,880 --> 00:42:59,000
Speaker 1: the pros of being a late bloomer, and then I

752
00:42:59,040 --> 00:43:01,759
Speaker 1: want to finish on a story. Let's quickly go through

753
00:43:01,800 --> 00:43:04,840
Speaker 1: some prose for when you're feeling shitty about your circumstances,

754
00:43:05,320 --> 00:43:09,960
Speaker 1: maybe a bit uncomfortable, upset about how it's gone so far.

755
00:43:11,040 --> 00:43:14,360
Speaker 1: If you've never been in a relationship, that shows great

756
00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:19,240
Speaker 1: strength because I bet you've had opportunities and you've chosen

757
00:43:19,280 --> 00:43:23,600
Speaker 1: not to settle. Even if you didn't realize you had opportunities. Unconsciously,

758
00:43:24,280 --> 00:43:25,960
Speaker 1: your brain has been like, yeah, that's not for us.

759
00:43:27,239 --> 00:43:30,080
Speaker 1: You as a late bloomer are a lot more mature,

760
00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:32,839
Speaker 1: You're a lot more intuitive. You are going to be

761
00:43:32,840 --> 00:43:36,759
Speaker 1: better at advocating for yourself in a relationship compared to

762
00:43:37,920 --> 00:43:40,760
Speaker 1: fourteen and fifteen year old you who didn't know themselves

763
00:43:40,800 --> 00:43:44,680
Speaker 1: as well. You can be more present in your experiences,

764
00:43:45,440 --> 00:43:50,840
Speaker 1: you can make choices that align better with who you are. Also,

765
00:43:51,200 --> 00:43:54,160
Speaker 1: it's going to feel more special, Like seriously, it's going

766
00:43:54,200 --> 00:43:57,799
Speaker 1: to feel so much more special. And you've had time

767
00:43:57,840 --> 00:44:01,120
Speaker 1: to understand your needs and your wants. That means that

768
00:44:01,480 --> 00:44:03,719
Speaker 1: you're less likely to make some of the stupid mistakes

769
00:44:03,719 --> 00:44:06,240
Speaker 1: that people make when they start dating and having sex

770
00:44:06,239 --> 00:44:09,200
Speaker 1: really early on, and you're going to be more grounded.

771
00:44:09,880 --> 00:44:11,680
Speaker 1: You're going to be more grounded in who you are,

772
00:44:11,800 --> 00:44:14,960
Speaker 1: what you want, and in the beauty and the magic

773
00:44:15,080 --> 00:44:18,480
Speaker 1: of your relationship. I want to finish with this story,

774
00:44:18,600 --> 00:44:20,600
Speaker 1: and I actually found this story on Reddit, but I

775
00:44:20,680 --> 00:44:23,680
Speaker 1: just think it is so wonderful. So this came from

776
00:44:23,800 --> 00:44:26,920
Speaker 1: a page on Reddit which was advice for late bloomers.

777
00:44:27,960 --> 00:44:31,960
Speaker 1: Here we go. I think I appreciate my wife so

778
00:44:32,120 --> 00:44:37,040
Speaker 1: much more because I missed the whole prom, homecoming, early

779
00:44:37,120 --> 00:44:41,360
Speaker 1: dating stuff early in life. My name was not written

780
00:44:41,400 --> 00:44:44,839
Speaker 1: on anyone's trapper keeper. No girl's dad had to warn

781
00:44:44,880 --> 00:44:47,680
Speaker 1: me to bring home their kid before eleven PM. I

782
00:44:47,719 --> 00:44:51,200
Speaker 1: missed all that. So when I dated later in my twenties,

783
00:44:51,680 --> 00:44:53,680
Speaker 1: I made sure to be the best man I could be.

784
00:44:54,400 --> 00:44:56,640
Speaker 1: Even now, I'm still trying to live up to that.

785
00:44:56,880 --> 00:45:00,680
Speaker 1: But everything just feels so much more special and important

786
00:45:01,080 --> 00:45:02,879
Speaker 1: that I think it would have felt if I'd done

787
00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:08,160
Speaker 1: all this younger. How beautiful is that? How absolutely beautiful

788
00:45:08,239 --> 00:45:10,360
Speaker 1: is that? And that is the tone I want to

789
00:45:10,400 --> 00:45:13,920
Speaker 1: finish this episode on. So thank you, my lovely, lovely

790
00:45:14,320 --> 00:45:18,120
Speaker 1: late bloomer listeners that say that five times, thank you

791
00:45:18,160 --> 00:45:21,719
Speaker 1: for listening. Oh my gosh, say that five times. Thank

792
00:45:21,719 --> 00:45:23,920
Speaker 1: you so much for listening. I really do appreciate you

793
00:45:24,719 --> 00:45:27,839
Speaker 1: getting here, getting this far into the episode. I hope

794
00:45:27,840 --> 00:45:31,920
Speaker 1: you feel confident at ease. I want to hear your

795
00:45:31,960 --> 00:45:34,880
Speaker 1: affirmations and what makes you feel better about being a

796
00:45:34,960 --> 00:45:38,280
Speaker 1: late bloomer in the comments. I know so many people

797
00:45:38,320 --> 00:45:41,120
Speaker 1: ask me for this episode, and so many people could

798
00:45:41,160 --> 00:45:45,960
Speaker 1: really gain something from your personal wisdom, So please share below.

799
00:45:46,360 --> 00:45:48,839
Speaker 1: Connect with other late bloomers. I want to hear from you.

800
00:45:49,280 --> 00:45:52,040
Speaker 1: Make sure that you are following me on Instagram at

801
00:45:52,120 --> 00:45:55,399
Speaker 1: that psychology podcast. I've got a book coming out soon

802
00:45:55,440 --> 00:45:57,560
Speaker 1: and there's going to be so much on there about

803
00:45:58,200 --> 00:46:01,480
Speaker 1: what that was like, and you know, fun chapters and

804
00:46:01,600 --> 00:46:04,720
Speaker 1: sneak peeks and previews and events that we've got probably

805
00:46:04,760 --> 00:46:07,520
Speaker 1: coming to your city, So I would love to connect

806
00:46:07,520 --> 00:46:09,440
Speaker 1: with you over there. I would love to hear from you.

807
00:46:09,520 --> 00:46:12,279
Speaker 1: I'd love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Any

808
00:46:12,320 --> 00:46:16,400
Speaker 1: further contributions, and yeah, until next time, make sure you

809
00:46:16,480 --> 00:46:19,280
Speaker 1: rate us five stars. Make sure you are following you along,

810
00:46:19,800 --> 00:46:24,400
Speaker 1: and stay safe. Be kind, please, please please please be

811
00:46:24,480 --> 00:46:27,919
Speaker 1: gentle with yourself and we will talk very very soon.