1 00:00:02,160 --> 00:00:06,080 Speaker 1: Hey, there are folks in our latest Yahoo advice column. 2 00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:08,879 Speaker 1: Why d J. That's what she calls herself. She wrote 3 00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:11,039 Speaker 1: into it. Why why d What G? 4 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:11,680 Speaker 2: He said? 5 00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:16,320 Speaker 1: J Oh see, there's the thing y'all didn't know who 6 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:20,439 Speaker 1: she was anyway, But we're gonna be accurate. Why d G? 7 00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:25,319 Speaker 1: Not why DJ? But why DJ wrote into us. She 8 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:27,840 Speaker 1: wants our advice, and maybe you can help award some 9 00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:32,760 Speaker 1: advice as well. You see, her ex boyfriend X cheating 10 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:35,599 Speaker 1: boyfriend that she broke up with two years ago, has 11 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:38,000 Speaker 1: all of a sudden started liking a lot of her 12 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:41,280 Speaker 1: social media posts. And on top of that, she looked 13 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:44,159 Speaker 1: and it appears that he now has his shit together, 14 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:48,600 Speaker 1: So she's wondering should she give him now another chance? 15 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:54,920 Speaker 1: My advice, Calm down, robox advice girl, please, And with that, 16 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:59,720 Speaker 1: welcome to this Relationship Advice edition of Amy and TJ. Robes. 17 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:00,560 Speaker 2: This a. 18 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,679 Speaker 1: This one is the first one we've had that we 19 00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:09,920 Speaker 1: both seem to strongly agree with what this person should do. 20 00:01:09,959 --> 00:01:11,319 Speaker 1: But this is an interesting scenario. 21 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:14,520 Speaker 2: Yes, because you know, I think it's been two years 22 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:16,560 Speaker 2: since they broke up, and they did date four I 23 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:19,960 Speaker 2: believe it was five full years they were talking about marriage. 24 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:24,440 Speaker 2: The point being is during those two years, I think 25 00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:27,160 Speaker 2: a lot of times, especially if you haven't found someone 26 00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:31,920 Speaker 2: better or you haven't really moved on, you start remembering 27 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:36,119 Speaker 2: the good times and you start romanticizing what your relationship 28 00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:38,399 Speaker 2: was like. And then yes, maybe if you hear or 29 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:41,800 Speaker 2: see he's doing well, he's got a pet, he has 30 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:45,600 Speaker 2: a they just s he's had a pet, not a dog. Fine, yeah, 31 00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:47,960 Speaker 2: we will read the whole thing. But you start noticing 32 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:50,760 Speaker 2: that he's doing well, and suddenly maybe you're not feeling 33 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,240 Speaker 2: so great and you're thinking, maybe I need to go 34 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,559 Speaker 2: back to that, maybe I need to return to this person. 35 00:01:56,000 --> 00:02:00,240 Speaker 2: And just from that standpoint alone, it doesn't sound like 36 00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:01,200 Speaker 2: a very good idea. 37 00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:05,320 Speaker 1: Okay, So her scenario, she wrote into us and again 38 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:08,480 Speaker 1: with our weekly Yahoo advice column, where folks write in 39 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:11,359 Speaker 1: with all kinds of not just we say relationships in 40 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:14,480 Speaker 1: terms of romantic relationships, but this could be anything. This 41 00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:18,080 Speaker 1: applies to all kinds of things, friends, family. But she 42 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:21,160 Speaker 1: wrote into us and asking Amy and TJ my ex 43 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,320 Speaker 1: and I data for five years before we broke up, 44 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:26,400 Speaker 1: he cheated on me with my colleague. I was rightfully upset. 45 00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:28,720 Speaker 1: We'd even started to talk about a future in marriage, 46 00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:31,320 Speaker 1: so I didn't want to give him a second chance. 47 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:35,280 Speaker 1: But now it's been two years and I'm considering going 48 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:38,840 Speaker 1: back to him. He seems to have made real improvements 49 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:41,839 Speaker 1: in his life. He finally has a job, he bought 50 00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:45,080 Speaker 1: an apartment, he even has a pet. Now I'm not 51 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:47,160 Speaker 1: sure how he managed to get his life in order 52 00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:51,040 Speaker 1: so quickly, but I'm happy for him. I do think 53 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,840 Speaker 1: I miss him, and I've noticed he's been looking at 54 00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:57,280 Speaker 1: my social media pages a lot. He's liked almost every 55 00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:01,800 Speaker 1: single post I've made. Maybe that means should I go 56 00:03:01,919 --> 00:03:05,680 Speaker 1: back to him? Or is it a waste of time? Signed? 57 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:10,720 Speaker 1: Why d G not? J huh? Is how she said? 58 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:12,800 Speaker 1: You know what, I forgot a part of this scenario? 59 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:17,200 Speaker 1: Where is it here? Made real improvements in his life? 60 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:19,880 Speaker 1: He seems to have made real improve provements in my life, 61 00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:23,160 Speaker 1: and he I'm sure how he managed to get his 62 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:26,000 Speaker 1: life in order so quickly that I don't remember the 63 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,600 Speaker 1: first time around. What was it about his life with 64 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:31,560 Speaker 1: you that kept him from doing well? Is the thing 65 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:33,119 Speaker 1: that jumped in my mind a lot. 66 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,320 Speaker 2: We'll get to the viewer comments or the reader comments, 67 00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:37,000 Speaker 2: but a lot of people pointed that out. 68 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:38,760 Speaker 1: Really I miss line. 69 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:43,520 Speaker 2: That sometimes like that. Actually, what if you reread, actually, YDG, 70 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:47,440 Speaker 2: if you reread your question to us, your message to us, 71 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:51,640 Speaker 2: you might find your answer. Right. 72 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:55,000 Speaker 1: We talk about this being able to separate yourself from 73 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,000 Speaker 1: If you saw someone else doing this or going through this, 74 00:03:57,040 --> 00:04:00,240 Speaker 1: you would easily say, well, dugo. But when you're going 75 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:02,720 Speaker 1: through it, and it's not taking anything away from her 76 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:04,880 Speaker 1: feelings and where she is in life and what they 77 00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:06,680 Speaker 1: might have had, and she might still be in love 78 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:10,200 Speaker 1: with this guy. I don't know, but the signs are there, 79 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:11,680 Speaker 1: and some of what she's saying. 80 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,920 Speaker 2: I didn't want to give him a second chance. 81 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:17,680 Speaker 3: Believe yourself, Trust where you were, Trust you made a 82 00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:21,040 Speaker 3: good decision for yourself, and yes to your point, maybe 83 00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:23,640 Speaker 3: even ask yourself, why wasn't he doing well when he 84 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:24,160 Speaker 3: was with you? 85 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:28,800 Speaker 1: And that's okay, that's painful. It's hard see someone get 86 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:31,960 Speaker 1: out of a life or relationship with you and all 87 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:35,280 Speaker 1: of a certain flourishes. That's just that's human nature, and 88 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,039 Speaker 1: that's that's just tough, and. 89 00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:39,280 Speaker 2: It's human nature. Then to be the person who actually 90 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:42,960 Speaker 2: did the dumping, to say, wait a minute, well maybe 91 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,360 Speaker 2: I want that now. Maybe now I see the best 92 00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:47,840 Speaker 2: version of him. Maybe I didn't see the best version 93 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:50,400 Speaker 2: of him, and truthfully, he could have worked on himself. 94 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:52,360 Speaker 2: He could have been broken hearted. We don't know all 95 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:54,240 Speaker 2: the details about her breaking up with them, and that 96 00:04:54,279 --> 00:04:57,400 Speaker 2: could have been his catalyst to get his life in order. 97 00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,680 Speaker 2: That could have been his reasoning for saying, hey, I 98 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:02,159 Speaker 2: need to take care of me. I have been trying 99 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:05,279 Speaker 2: too hard to do whatever, and now I can just 100 00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:07,840 Speaker 2: focus on improving myself. And maybe he is and would 101 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:10,600 Speaker 2: be a better partner now. And I wrote this, I 102 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:13,719 Speaker 2: said this. I would never be the person who told 103 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,720 Speaker 2: someone don't go for it, don't try for love again, 104 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:19,599 Speaker 2: if she feels strongly about it and she really has 105 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:22,360 Speaker 2: real feelings about him, and she really has forgiven him 106 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:25,240 Speaker 2: and maybe done her own work on why the relationship 107 00:05:25,279 --> 00:05:27,080 Speaker 2: wasn't good. I know some people don't like hearing this, 108 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:32,240 Speaker 2: but I don't think most people cheat out in a vacuum. 109 00:05:32,279 --> 00:05:35,000 Speaker 2: I think that there's a symptom of a larger problem 110 00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:37,680 Speaker 2: in the relationship. Possibly it's not always the case, but 111 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,640 Speaker 2: it could be a moment or an opportunity for the 112 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:42,760 Speaker 2: person the other person in the relationship to say, you know, 113 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:45,080 Speaker 2: I'm going to take this time to improve me and 114 00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:46,960 Speaker 2: to make sure I'm a better partner, to make sure 115 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,560 Speaker 2: I'm a better human just in general to myself, even 116 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:50,760 Speaker 2: forget the other person. 117 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:52,520 Speaker 1: But that's not our nature to do that. It's not 118 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:54,520 Speaker 1: just look for somebody who checks all the boxes, but 119 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:57,360 Speaker 1: what we want instead of becoming something that extraally is 120 00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,760 Speaker 1: a desirable She's going to have a problem here because 121 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:02,839 Speaker 1: he this is gonna be very difficult if he has 122 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:06,400 Speaker 1: become now the man she wants and always wanted. But 123 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,800 Speaker 1: now that he's that, she might not be the woman 124 00:06:08,839 --> 00:06:11,599 Speaker 1: that he wants, right, And that's tough. He has grown, 125 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:14,040 Speaker 1: If he has, in fact, he has grown, he's different. 126 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,120 Speaker 1: He has a different perspective. And there are people everybody 127 00:06:17,279 --> 00:06:19,599 Speaker 1: listening to our voices right now can think of someone 128 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,240 Speaker 1: in their life that they they married to have a 129 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:25,720 Speaker 1: long term relationship with, and now you're five or ten 130 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:29,200 Speaker 1: years removed. Go wow, I would never be interested in 131 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,280 Speaker 1: a person like that. Oh yes, you wouldn't like I 132 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:34,479 Speaker 1: would never be attracted to that now duh. But it's 133 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:38,120 Speaker 1: just where you are in the moment. And to your point, 134 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:41,440 Speaker 1: our thing was, don't sit and wait and wonder, reach 135 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:43,800 Speaker 1: out if you want to and get your answer. Better 136 00:06:43,839 --> 00:06:45,800 Speaker 1: to get it now then have to do this again 137 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:46,640 Speaker 1: for another six months. 138 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:48,680 Speaker 2: Yes, that's the first thing I would say is go ahead, 139 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:52,560 Speaker 2: text him, DM him, take the leap and just see 140 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,600 Speaker 2: where he is and see how you feel when you 141 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:58,520 Speaker 2: meet him. I also believe this, having lived enough life 142 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:01,400 Speaker 2: and had enough relationships, I do believe there is a 143 00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:05,920 Speaker 2: reason for some relationships. There is a season for some relationships, 144 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,800 Speaker 2: and there is a lifetime for other relationships. But they 145 00:07:08,839 --> 00:07:11,680 Speaker 2: can't all be that. They're all going to cycle in 146 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:14,360 Speaker 2: and out. And I also believe that the person who 147 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,560 Speaker 2: you are in a relationship with your partner, they are 148 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:21,240 Speaker 2: your best teachers and you learn the most about yourself 149 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:24,720 Speaker 2: when you are actually committed to trying to make a 150 00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:28,080 Speaker 2: relationship work, and when it doesn't work, that is the 151 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,800 Speaker 2: moment where you actually, I like to look at it 152 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:34,400 Speaker 2: like this, get the opportunity to work on yourself and 153 00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:38,800 Speaker 2: be in a relationship with yourself, and then you are 154 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,240 Speaker 2: going to be the best partner. It does, but I 155 00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:44,000 Speaker 2: mean it's it does sound cheesy. 156 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:46,440 Speaker 1: People their eyes or in one ear out the other, 157 00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:47,040 Speaker 1: because it does. 158 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:50,160 Speaker 2: It sounds like but we all so quickly point the 159 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:52,520 Speaker 2: finger and all of us do this at the other person, 160 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:55,080 Speaker 2: at the other person in a relationship. They did this 161 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:58,560 Speaker 2: to me, so that's why I feel this way. This 162 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:00,800 Speaker 2: happened to me, and that's why I feel this way. 163 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:03,760 Speaker 2: But those are such opportunities to switch the narrative and say, wait, 164 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:08,119 Speaker 2: why am I feeling this way? What can I do 165 00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:11,200 Speaker 2: to feel better for myself? Not expect someone else to 166 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:12,560 Speaker 2: do it for you. And so these are just the 167 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,600 Speaker 2: moments and relationships where it's sometimes breaking up is the 168 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:17,840 Speaker 2: best thing. And who knows. I mean, he could be 169 00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:19,760 Speaker 2: feeling the same way. They both could have been working 170 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:22,560 Speaker 2: on themselves. It's hard to know exactly where she is. 171 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:26,400 Speaker 2: It's just by reading her question to us, it just 172 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:32,240 Speaker 2: kind of sounds like she's filled with regret because she's 173 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:35,640 Speaker 2: looking at something that she wants that she once had 174 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:39,960 Speaker 2: and she's trying to justify it to herself instead of 175 00:08:40,559 --> 00:08:43,280 Speaker 2: actually working on improving herself and moving on. 176 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,120 Speaker 1: I asked one thing before we get into the comments 177 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:49,480 Speaker 1: from readers and the advice they were giving. I say 178 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:51,199 Speaker 1: this sometimes and women have called me on it when 179 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:54,559 Speaker 1: I talk about confidence, And while I say, it sounds 180 00:08:54,559 --> 00:08:57,440 Speaker 1: so simple here, just reach out to them, Just reach 181 00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,640 Speaker 1: out to the guy and say hey, this is what's 182 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:04,600 Speaker 1: going on social media texts. That's simple, get this done over. 183 00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,520 Speaker 1: We're grown folks. We ain't got time to be messing around. 184 00:09:06,559 --> 00:09:08,240 Speaker 1: And I have so many women call me on that TJ. 185 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,160 Speaker 1: You make it sound like it's so simple. That is 186 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:12,640 Speaker 1: difficult for a woman. It's difficult to make that move. 187 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:14,960 Speaker 1: It's difficult sometimes to have that confidence to be outgoing. 188 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:18,280 Speaker 1: Where do you come down? I guess that makes sense, 189 00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:22,760 Speaker 1: but my comeback is always, you're grown ass woman. We 190 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:26,640 Speaker 1: don't have time for games. Ask a question. Either gonna 191 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:28,280 Speaker 1: like the answer or you're not, but you're gonna have 192 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:29,640 Speaker 1: one right now? 193 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:32,760 Speaker 2: You got nothing right. I think most suffering comes when 194 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:35,679 Speaker 2: you don't know, when you're in limbo, when you're wondering, 195 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:38,160 Speaker 2: what's he thinking, what's he feeling? Is this going to 196 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:41,120 Speaker 2: work out? That's where you start suffering. That's when you 197 00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:43,720 Speaker 2: start spiraling. That's when you start going into worst case scenarios, 198 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:48,440 Speaker 2: and that's when your confidence crumbles. And so when you 199 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:51,760 Speaker 2: start feeling yourself going into that pattern, and we've all 200 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:54,240 Speaker 2: been there, what you have to ask yourself in those 201 00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:56,200 Speaker 2: moments is what can I do to be the best 202 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:58,920 Speaker 2: version of myself and the rest will fall into place. 203 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:02,640 Speaker 2: You always say this attract, don't chase, but it shouldn't be. 204 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:05,240 Speaker 2: It's not even a manipulative thing or a game you're playing. 205 00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:09,280 Speaker 2: It really is truly about investing in being your best self. 206 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:11,880 Speaker 2: And when you're your best self, you are going to 207 00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:14,320 Speaker 2: be the most attractive person. You are going to have 208 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:17,000 Speaker 2: a better shot at getting someone else who's also in 209 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:21,720 Speaker 2: that space. But wondering chasing when you find yourself doing it, 210 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,920 Speaker 2: and again, I have been there, I'll probably be there again. 211 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:28,760 Speaker 2: You just can say, wait a minute, stop, stop, let's 212 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:32,400 Speaker 2: just do this with confidence and let me actually take 213 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:35,600 Speaker 2: a moment to believe in myself and to remind myself 214 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:38,400 Speaker 2: of what a great partner I am and can be. 215 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:40,520 Speaker 1: Well, I'm supposed to skip over the part where you 216 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:42,240 Speaker 1: said you're gonna end up there again, where you're doing 217 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:44,719 Speaker 1: something back and forth old or somebody you're dating. Did 218 00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:45,160 Speaker 1: I miss the. 219 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:48,199 Speaker 2: No, I guess no, no, no, no no. My point 220 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:51,400 Speaker 2: is saying, I'm It's not like I make a decision 221 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:53,760 Speaker 2: and I'm suddenly perfect from here on out. I'm saying 222 00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:56,040 Speaker 2: we all fall back into these patterns every now and then, 223 00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,719 Speaker 2: it's about recognizing it. When your brain starts going back 224 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:01,880 Speaker 2: to the familiar, or your mind starts looping back to 225 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:05,360 Speaker 2: this negative, weak position, you have to go up there, 226 00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:06,160 Speaker 2: I go again. 227 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:08,680 Speaker 1: Stops of dating something. 228 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:11,080 Speaker 2: Oh no, no, no, no, no no. I'm talking about 229 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:12,800 Speaker 2: the mind games we play with ourselves. 230 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:14,840 Speaker 1: Jeez, so fun. 231 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:18,240 Speaker 2: But I'm glad you asked so I could make sure 232 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:19,000 Speaker 2: I clarify that. 233 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,600 Speaker 1: You know, once again, though, you you go through the comments, 234 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:23,280 Speaker 1: it's mostly dudes. 235 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:26,400 Speaker 2: What this time, babe, I'm going to go with It 236 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:30,439 Speaker 2: was ninety five percent max, and they were clearly masculine 237 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:35,520 Speaker 2: names like Daniel, Steve, Ryan, you know, just like Mike. 238 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:40,760 Speaker 2: There was no possible. It was very specific. Beaver is 239 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:41,679 Speaker 2: the only one I don't know. 240 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:44,640 Speaker 1: Okay, but before you read them, can you tell me 241 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:46,400 Speaker 1: what was the general? Is there a general? 242 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,040 Speaker 2: So the few women who did write in most of 243 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:51,920 Speaker 2: them were like cheaters are always going to cheat? What 244 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:55,480 Speaker 2: did you expect? That kind of thing. But the men 245 00:11:55,800 --> 00:12:00,240 Speaker 2: actually had really nuanced, interesting comments that I was kind 246 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:01,800 Speaker 2: of impressed with and surprised by. 247 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:02,880 Speaker 1: Can we start with Beaver? 248 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:08,559 Speaker 2: Yes, Beaver? So Beaver says this to our friend YDG. 249 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:11,720 Speaker 2: Let me get this straight. He cheated on her with 250 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:14,480 Speaker 2: her friend, and now she is considering taking him back. 251 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:17,480 Speaker 2: I don't think this woman had an active father in 252 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:21,960 Speaker 2: her life. Perhaps her mom tolerated it. Anyone ask yourself this, 253 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:25,640 Speaker 2: you catch the barista spitting in your coffee? Should you 254 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:30,360 Speaker 2: ever consider that barista again? Yes, people change, but if 255 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:33,880 Speaker 2: you tolerate it once, it will happen again. Seems she 256 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,480 Speaker 2: seems to be a poor judge of character and needs 257 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:38,439 Speaker 2: a new set of friends to hang out with. Sadly, 258 00:12:38,679 --> 00:12:42,560 Speaker 2: her vote is worth yours or mine is probably worth 259 00:12:42,559 --> 00:12:44,320 Speaker 2: more than yours, or mind. She's going to decide what 260 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:47,439 Speaker 2: she wants to do. But I thought that was fairly harsh. 261 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:49,520 Speaker 2: And yet I think a lot of people do think this, 262 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:53,240 Speaker 2: like hello, stupid, don't go back. And I think that 263 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:56,160 Speaker 2: that was a pretty common theme by a lot of folks. 264 00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:59,320 Speaker 2: She's kind of saying, duh, don't go back to him. 265 00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:02,440 Speaker 2: People can't change. I actually disagree with that. I think 266 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:06,360 Speaker 2: people can change, and I don't think that once a cheater, 267 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:08,839 Speaker 2: always a cheater. I think that that person probably has 268 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:10,560 Speaker 2: ego is just issues to work out. 269 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:16,800 Speaker 1: See. I haven't gone that far to the to considering 270 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,840 Speaker 1: the cheating part when they're getting back together. All I 271 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:24,719 Speaker 1: am sticking with is you said you don't want the guy, 272 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:28,960 Speaker 1: you say you want him. Now you want him because 273 00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:32,160 Speaker 1: he's this, this, this, this and this. Then okay, that 274 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:35,920 Speaker 1: is not a consideration from cheating is not a consideration. 275 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:37,880 Speaker 2: She didn't even bring that up, didn't It is. 276 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,840 Speaker 1: Okay if she forgave him or who knows what happened, 277 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,920 Speaker 1: But it doesn't seem to be the issue. And I 278 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,400 Speaker 1: don't see the issue here her asking should I go 279 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:47,600 Speaker 1: back to a cheater or not? 280 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:48,800 Speaker 2: That's true. 281 00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:51,800 Speaker 1: She's saying, should I go back to my ex? Yeah, 282 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:55,240 Speaker 1: we broke up, he cheated, but now he's this, this, this, this, 283 00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:58,120 Speaker 1: and this. She's listing all these other things that are 284 00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:02,959 Speaker 1: important to her. She's not asking about the cheating. Trust 285 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:03,360 Speaker 1: him again. 286 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:05,400 Speaker 2: She didn't ask that should I. 287 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:09,040 Speaker 1: Give him a second chance? Could I ever? Nothing? He's 288 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:09,440 Speaker 1: got a. 289 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:12,920 Speaker 2: Pet, that's so interesting pet. 290 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:14,920 Speaker 1: So yeah, it was a little hard, And it's hard 291 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,040 Speaker 1: here because we don't know enough about the boyfriend, the 292 00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:19,880 Speaker 1: ex boyfriend to know what happened, and we've taken her 293 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:21,640 Speaker 1: word for it. Who knows how things went down, but 294 00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:24,200 Speaker 1: let's take her at her word. He cheated, broke up. 295 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:28,800 Speaker 2: Okay, all right, So here's what Bill had to say 296 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:33,160 Speaker 2: to our friend CDG. I never fully trust people asking 297 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,560 Speaker 2: for advice like this to paint a clear picture of 298 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:38,120 Speaker 2: the relationship. That's kind of what you were saying, TJ. 299 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:41,840 Speaker 2: Relationships can be a lot more complicated than people present. 300 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:46,360 Speaker 2: To Shay, my first wife cheated on me. I could 301 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:48,480 Speaker 2: just leave it at that and look like a victim, 302 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:51,040 Speaker 2: but I became a bit too wrapped up in my 303 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:54,040 Speaker 2: career and didn't treat her very well. I was way 304 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,920 Speaker 2: more into being me than being part of a couple. 305 00:14:57,320 --> 00:14:59,560 Speaker 2: I left her at home with two young children, and 306 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:02,840 Speaker 2: even when I was home, I wasn't mentally there. Does 307 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:05,840 Speaker 2: that totally excuse her cheating. I don't think so. But 308 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:09,120 Speaker 2: I wasn't the greatest guy either. I appreciate that. 309 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:13,480 Speaker 1: Post he gave some He just said, everybody, before you 310 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:16,240 Speaker 1: dump on her, dump on him, let me explain my story. 311 00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:20,480 Speaker 1: I understand why. There's always some context there. That's Bills 312 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:23,640 Speaker 1: an adult, right. He admitted to a mistake that he 313 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:28,200 Speaker 1: made and how it might have contributed to the mistake. 314 00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:31,200 Speaker 1: Everybody else is pointing at his wife for making He 315 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,680 Speaker 1: is taking some of that heat off of her. No, 316 00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:35,840 Speaker 1: he's anonymous here, we won't get to know who it is. 317 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,280 Speaker 1: But that was. I love when people write in and 318 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,520 Speaker 1: are open and honest and sharing their own experience and 319 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:43,240 Speaker 1: how it could relate. That was. That was a good 320 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:46,320 Speaker 1: And it's tough, and lord knows, we understand context and 321 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:48,880 Speaker 1: complication is not as simple as it seems. 322 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,080 Speaker 2: Well, I think in a lot of relationships, especially if 323 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:52,960 Speaker 2: you can and I don't want to say claim to be, 324 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:54,760 Speaker 2: but if you are the wronged party, if you're the 325 00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:56,760 Speaker 2: person who felt like they got cheated on and that 326 00:15:56,920 --> 00:16:01,280 Speaker 2: you were blindsided, either by someone and being unfaithful or 327 00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:03,800 Speaker 2: by someone just suddenly saying I want a divorce or 328 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:06,520 Speaker 2: I want to, you know, break up with you, A 329 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:08,880 Speaker 2: lot of folks will take that victim's status and say, 330 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:11,200 Speaker 2: I didn't see it coming. How could he do this 331 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:15,200 Speaker 2: to me? I do appreciate when people acknowledge and this 332 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:19,000 Speaker 2: this is hard to do, that relationships involve two people, 333 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:23,920 Speaker 2: and it's usually not a singular bad person and a 334 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:27,960 Speaker 2: singular good person. Everybody does things, and some people do 335 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,960 Speaker 2: worse things than others, for sure, but I just appreciate 336 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:30,480 Speaker 2: the nuance. 337 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:33,360 Speaker 1: All right, Well, we'll come back here. There's a guy 338 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:36,600 Speaker 1: named Ron and there's another guy named Don, and one 339 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:40,840 Speaker 1: of them has a very important question that they think 340 00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:43,160 Speaker 1: are that they think our reader needs to ask, and 341 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:47,560 Speaker 1: the other has a story about divorce that you need 342 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:47,840 Speaker 1: to hear. 343 00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:00,720 Speaker 2: Welcome back everyone to ask Amy and t where we 344 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:04,600 Speaker 2: go even deeper into our relationship advice column on Yahoo. 345 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:08,720 Speaker 2: And this week's question came to us from a young woman. 346 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:11,080 Speaker 2: I say, she's a young woman. I just kind of 347 00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:14,720 Speaker 2: assumed she was Why DG, That's what she says. But 348 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:17,760 Speaker 2: she was dating her ex boyfriend for five years. They've 349 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,720 Speaker 2: been apart for two years. He cheated on her, she says, 350 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:23,200 Speaker 2: and that is why they broke up. But now he's 351 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:25,840 Speaker 2: got a job, he's got a dog, he seems to 352 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,359 Speaker 2: have his life together, and she is wondering if she 353 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,000 Speaker 2: should go back to him. 354 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:33,360 Speaker 1: So, yes, or women, a guy with a dog, does 355 00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:37,280 Speaker 1: that suggests something about responsibility stability in life? 356 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:37,600 Speaker 3: Yes? 357 00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:41,720 Speaker 2: I think when women, I'll speak for myself, see some 358 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:47,040 Speaker 2: guy who we are attracted to being just loving towards 359 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:51,119 Speaker 2: an animal or a child. There's something so sexy and 360 00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:55,080 Speaker 2: attractive about that. Maybe it's our biology. Maybe we're trained 361 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:58,000 Speaker 2: or our biology tells us to go for be attracted 362 00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:00,439 Speaker 2: to a man who can nurture and take care of 363 00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:03,639 Speaker 2: another living being. That tells us we could be safe 364 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:05,680 Speaker 2: with him, we could have children with him. So yes, 365 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:06,320 Speaker 2: as a. 366 00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:08,400 Speaker 1: Cat or a dog and iguana doesn't matter. 367 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,960 Speaker 2: No, it doesn't. I mean iguana maybe a little less 368 00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:14,600 Speaker 2: but because I don't know how warm and fuzzy, yeah, 369 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,879 Speaker 2: a little weird. But cat dog, yes, I that is 370 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:19,920 Speaker 2: a very attractive quality because it shows your nurture. I think, 371 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:23,880 Speaker 2: and I do think, we are conditioned from an evolution 372 00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:26,320 Speaker 2: standpoint to choose people who we think would take care 373 00:18:26,359 --> 00:18:30,160 Speaker 2: of us and take care of people who are vulnerable. Yeah, 374 00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:33,320 Speaker 2: that's very hot. That's why firefighters and lots of women 375 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:35,480 Speaker 2: like that kind of a thing, right. 376 00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:38,840 Speaker 1: They say, exactly, people take issue with cops. 377 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:42,119 Speaker 2: I stopped, sure, I stop short of cops with firefighters. 378 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,920 Speaker 2: Who doesn't love a man in that kind of uniform? 379 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:46,320 Speaker 2: That's right? 380 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,600 Speaker 1: Wellfighter calendars are. 381 00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:52,800 Speaker 2: Also all right, So we are we are. Actually we 382 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:56,040 Speaker 2: just plucked out We love love looking at all the 383 00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:58,480 Speaker 2: comments in the Yahoo column, but we plucked out a 384 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:01,880 Speaker 2: few of them. We just thought they're interesting conversation starters. 385 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:04,719 Speaker 2: About this woman's dilemma, and so Ron wrote in and 386 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:09,440 Speaker 2: said this, listen up, ask him if he is interested 387 00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:13,680 Speaker 2: in a future together. If so, tell him it will 388 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:18,159 Speaker 2: require counseling. At counseling, You're going to ask tough, core questions. 389 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:22,440 Speaker 2: Be ready as he may have some for you. At counseling, 390 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:25,639 Speaker 2: you can find out if you still want a future relationship. 391 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:29,480 Speaker 2: But the key is both being honest. And then it's funny, 392 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:35,119 Speaker 2: he said. Arrive at counseling separately, good luck. Why maybe 393 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:37,760 Speaker 2: you have time to really think about what you want 394 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:41,520 Speaker 2: to say and what you want to understand when you 395 00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:44,720 Speaker 2: arrive separate, and then when you come together you're ready 396 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:47,119 Speaker 2: versus if you go together, or you're thinking about what 397 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:48,800 Speaker 2: the other person's going to say or do, and maybe 398 00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:50,399 Speaker 2: you kind of get wrapped up in the US and 399 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:53,560 Speaker 2: we versus. What do I need? What do I want 400 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:55,800 Speaker 2: to hear? What do I want to know? That's my 401 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,160 Speaker 2: only guess because I've never heard that before. Arrive at 402 00:19:58,160 --> 00:19:59,240 Speaker 2: counseling separately. 403 00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:01,600 Speaker 1: Yeah, I think you've talked about this. You've in some 404 00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:04,560 Speaker 1: points in your life done some relationship counseling. Have you 405 00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:05,320 Speaker 1: done it physically? 406 00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:06,320 Speaker 2: I absolutely haven. 407 00:20:06,359 --> 00:20:08,639 Speaker 1: And its not just a matter of romantic relationships. I 408 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:10,520 Speaker 1: could point out as well, that's true in all of 409 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:14,080 Speaker 1: those did you ride with the person to the place? 410 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:19,440 Speaker 2: In one instance, I remember not because I was coming 411 00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:23,679 Speaker 2: from work, so that was different. But yeah, it is 412 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:25,959 Speaker 2: kind of weird going with the person who you were 413 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:29,320 Speaker 2: having an issue with. I guess I feel like I 414 00:20:29,359 --> 00:20:32,080 Speaker 2: have gone separately most of the time and met them there. 415 00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:34,880 Speaker 2: H yeah, I actually think so. 416 00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:37,679 Speaker 1: What is a conversation on the way to therapy with 417 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,200 Speaker 1: the person who's going to It's. 418 00:20:40,119 --> 00:20:43,320 Speaker 2: Kind of like, okay, so before we get in front 419 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:46,119 Speaker 2: of the microphone, and even when we were on television, 420 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:49,680 Speaker 2: one of the kind of golden cardinal rules is to 421 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:54,159 Speaker 2: not talk before you talk, because then somehow it's not 422 00:20:54,359 --> 00:20:56,879 Speaker 2: either as authentic or it doesn't feel as real. So 423 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,239 Speaker 2: you just you save it. You've even said this to 424 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:02,320 Speaker 2: me when we were having an issue. Let's just not 425 00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:05,879 Speaker 2: talk about this unless it's in front of a license professional. 426 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,400 Speaker 2: So then, okay, if you're not going to talk about 427 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,520 Speaker 2: what you're about to talk about because you want to 428 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:14,200 Speaker 2: make sure that the right person's listening and helping you navigate, 429 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:18,879 Speaker 2: maybe even referee, what do you talk about awkward small 430 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:22,359 Speaker 2: talk like weather's hot today? Like what do you do now? 431 00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:24,120 Speaker 1: You don't go to therapy hating each other? 432 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,919 Speaker 2: Do you? Well, no, but you're uncomfortable. Probably if you're 433 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:28,959 Speaker 2: getting to that point, you're a little uncomfortable. 434 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:32,119 Speaker 1: Isn't the thing with the therapy is that where we 435 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,840 Speaker 1: can function just fine, dinner together, we can watch a 436 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:37,040 Speaker 1: movie together, but we have this issue we need to 437 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,680 Speaker 1: work on. So it's just that issue or I don't know, 438 00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:41,120 Speaker 1: I guess I have I. 439 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:44,440 Speaker 2: Feel like so you know, obviously my my other relationships 440 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:50,119 Speaker 2: have ended, so it was interesting for me in therapy. 441 00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:52,720 Speaker 2: It actually, I feel like, made things worse in a 442 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:55,439 Speaker 2: lot of ways because it opened things up to an 443 00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:57,960 Speaker 2: even deeper level, which made it even more obvious that 444 00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:01,320 Speaker 2: things were not going to work out. Like I feel 445 00:22:01,359 --> 00:22:04,960 Speaker 2: like it was a scary thing to go because you 446 00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:08,159 Speaker 2: have to be willing to accept what the outcome is. 447 00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:12,159 Speaker 2: And sometimes you find out turns out we have nothing 448 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:17,159 Speaker 2: in common, turns out we don't agree on anything sometimes 449 00:22:18,119 --> 00:22:21,040 Speaker 2: sometimes and sometimes well, and that doesn't last if you 450 00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:27,320 Speaker 2: don't have the other things like respect and friendship. Love 451 00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:29,399 Speaker 2: is a feeling. I actually really think I don't know 452 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:31,879 Speaker 2: that it's a When it's an action, it's different and 453 00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:34,560 Speaker 2: it has to have other things behind it to survive. 454 00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:40,920 Speaker 2: I believe done end. Sorry, we went to therapy with ourselves, 455 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:44,320 Speaker 2: all right? So yes, let's move on to oh yeah, 456 00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:48,320 Speaker 2: because I skipped to Ron, Here's Don. I like Don's 457 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:52,520 Speaker 2: first line. We are all imperfect, and sometimes we genuinely 458 00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:55,800 Speaker 2: make mistakes. Being too quick to break up can be 459 00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:59,640 Speaker 2: disastrous for an individual. We should instead learn to be forgiving. 460 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:04,000 Speaker 2: Forgiveness is the key, not breakup. I made a mistake, 461 00:23:04,119 --> 00:23:07,080 Speaker 2: which was partially due to my wife's error, and went 462 00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:10,240 Speaker 2: with another lady. This was an error and I would 463 00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:13,080 Speaker 2: have in no way continued what happened. I loved my 464 00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:16,000 Speaker 2: wife and children. She was very tough with me and 465 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:19,520 Speaker 2: filed for a divorce. The judge gave her no alimony 466 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:22,240 Speaker 2: nor any share in the house. I did all I 467 00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:25,320 Speaker 2: could to seek her forgiveness, but she wouldn't. Those who 468 00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,600 Speaker 2: say she should not go back might be making a mistake. 469 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:30,720 Speaker 2: I think he still loves her, and that's why he 470 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:33,480 Speaker 2: keeps looking at her posts. My suggestion is that she 471 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:36,640 Speaker 2: has a conversation with him and be willing to forgive. 472 00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:40,520 Speaker 2: Life would be better with more forgiveness. We all, inherit sin, 473 00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:47,000 Speaker 2: are imperfect and will make mistakes. Be forgiving calm. 474 00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:50,399 Speaker 1: That's very calm and measured response. And I think the 475 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:53,000 Speaker 1: key there is I think everybody have to agree. I 476 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:55,119 Speaker 1: know you said some women wrote in that leave no 477 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:56,120 Speaker 1: way you go back to him. 478 00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:57,720 Speaker 2: Once a cheater, always a cheater. 479 00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:00,560 Speaker 1: But he's I think we all just could have conversation 480 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:03,240 Speaker 1: with him. I think can we not just universally agree 481 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:04,600 Speaker 1: everyone have a conversation? 482 00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:08,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, I got again. I sound so cheesy, 483 00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:12,840 Speaker 2: but I got chills reading that because we can all, yes, 484 00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,040 Speaker 2: we all want that for ourselves. We can all apply 485 00:24:15,119 --> 00:24:17,840 Speaker 2: that to someone else in our lives instead of holding 486 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:20,440 Speaker 2: on to this hate or needing them to be wrong, 487 00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:22,840 Speaker 2: or needing them to have wronged, you to feel like 488 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:25,880 Speaker 2: you have purpose. A lot of times, you know, being 489 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:29,480 Speaker 2: a victim and maybe even wallowing in that gives you 490 00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:32,760 Speaker 2: some sense of purpose and belonging and a reason to 491 00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:36,240 Speaker 2: wake up to be angry. Like people actually get used 492 00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:38,800 Speaker 2: to feeling that way, and letting it go can go 493 00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:43,240 Speaker 2: a long way. I mean, this writer, this person who 494 00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:46,639 Speaker 2: wrote in I feel his pain that he is truly 495 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:49,840 Speaker 2: sorry and made a mistake and I do think sometimes 496 00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:53,040 Speaker 2: it's obviously more than just the mistake. I'm sure their 497 00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:56,520 Speaker 2: marriage had much more significant complications which led to all 498 00:24:56,560 --> 00:25:00,080 Speaker 2: of the above, but it felt heartfelt what he but 499 00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:01,280 Speaker 2: he wrote in it's a good. 500 00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,000 Speaker 1: One to end on and please don't make him say. 501 00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:08,760 Speaker 1: Anybody who say cheating is an absolute deal breaker understand that. Yeah, 502 00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:12,800 Speaker 1: absolutely understand that. But she's got to get to a point. 503 00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:16,359 Speaker 1: I don't know if she has forgiven them, but you 504 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:19,159 Speaker 1: can forgive them and still move on. Just because you 505 00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:21,240 Speaker 1: forgive them doesn't need you have to be with them. 506 00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:24,480 Speaker 1: And yeah, you can be with them if you're still 507 00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:29,520 Speaker 1: working to forgive them. All those things can happen. And 508 00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:32,440 Speaker 1: I just wanted to talk to the guy I do too, 509 00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:37,560 Speaker 1: Just ask a simple question. His response, His response might be, oh, 510 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:41,239 Speaker 1: my girlfriend, I just got engaged. Who knows what he's 511 00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:43,639 Speaker 1: gonna say. 512 00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:45,960 Speaker 2: But she'll know and she'll have closure. Either way, she'll 513 00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:49,240 Speaker 2: either know that there's an opportunity or this is the 514 00:25:49,359 --> 00:25:51,199 Speaker 2: end and that's okay. And maybe they can even have 515 00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:54,400 Speaker 2: a kind of a wonderful parting conversation that didn't end 516 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:58,840 Speaker 2: with finger pointing and anger, but instead with acceptance and understanding. 517 00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:01,520 Speaker 2: I think that would be a beautifull way either way 518 00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:04,600 Speaker 2: to end this. But I actually would love we would 519 00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:07,280 Speaker 2: love to hear why DG. Why wouldn't you love to 520 00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:08,840 Speaker 2: know what she does? Oh? 521 00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:10,359 Speaker 1: Yeah, we're gonna find that. We have to we have 522 00:26:10,359 --> 00:26:12,040 Speaker 1: to follow up on this one. This is one everybody's 523 00:26:12,119 --> 00:26:15,000 Speaker 1: very like. This is something very actionable, like one movie 524 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,399 Speaker 1: has some other people writing he's eh, you know, just 525 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:20,560 Speaker 1: don't change. Just about this advice and about how this 526 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:23,920 Speaker 1: is an action This is the most actionable advice we've given. 527 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:25,880 Speaker 1: Talk to the guy. 528 00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:28,679 Speaker 2: Yeah, so Natalie is our producer. We're gonna see if 529 00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:30,359 Speaker 2: we can follow up with why DG? And if we 530 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:33,760 Speaker 2: can find out what she decided to do or what 531 00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:36,040 Speaker 2: she decided not to do, we will pass it along 532 00:26:36,119 --> 00:26:38,720 Speaker 2: to you all. But in the meantime, we hope that 533 00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:43,040 Speaker 2: you got some some level of understanding and some just 534 00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:45,080 Speaker 2: it's it's interesting to hear, and it's nice to know 535 00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:48,760 Speaker 2: that we're all not alone in this messy thing called relationships. 536 00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:50,679 Speaker 2: That we all want perfect ones, but none of us 537 00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:52,600 Speaker 2: have them, and and maybe we can all learn from 538 00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:55,880 Speaker 2: each other. So thanks for listening to us on this Saturday. 539 00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:58,399 Speaker 2: We hope you have a wonderful weekend. I'm Amy roboch On, 540 00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:01,159 Speaker 2: behalf of TJ Holmes. Thanks for listening.