WEBVTT - Group Therapy

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome back everyone.

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<v Speaker 2>This is Amy, this is TJ. And this is Amy

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<v Speaker 2>and TJ. Good to have more here. Thank you always

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<v Speaker 2>as always for listening. How are you today?

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<v Speaker 3>I mean, it's a big day because it's the day

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<v Speaker 3>after Christmas, and yet you're so festive with your tea.

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<v Speaker 2>Yes, it's eggnogging. Everybody's giving me a hard time. I'm

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<v Speaker 2>drinking tea, right, I'm a tea drink. Everybody knows and

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<v Speaker 2>this is this was a bad choice.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's smelling up the room, eggnog all over the place.

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<v Speaker 2>It's an eggnog and flavor. But our producer here with us,

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<v Speaker 2>Andy said, said what he told us about this tea.

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<v Speaker 2>He thought, like nobody drinks that it was given to us.

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<v Speaker 1>And yet here you go. You're just trying to keep

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<v Speaker 1>the Christmas spirit alive.

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<v Speaker 2>I know you.

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<v Speaker 1>You don't want to let go of Christmas.

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<v Speaker 2>It's over.

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<v Speaker 1>It's a little eggnog tea.

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<v Speaker 2>Christmas spirit is So it's the twenty six, yeah, y'all.

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<v Speaker 2>And look in a recent episode, actually asked us, and

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<v Speaker 2>this picks up on this point about the twenty six,

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<v Speaker 2>asked us if we were seeing a marriage counselor excuse

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<v Speaker 2>meship or relationship if we were open to doing so.

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<v Speaker 4>You believe that still, you know what, the holidays are

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<v Speaker 4>stressful and it stresses us individually, and I definitely believe

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<v Speaker 4>it puts a lot of relationships on edge.

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<v Speaker 2>We are not immune. We were doing this walking into

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<v Speaker 2>the studio today and we were talking about something completely random,

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<v Speaker 2>and I just turned and looked at I said, do

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<v Speaker 2>you think the holidays are having an or have had

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<v Speaker 2>an impact on us? And I would have to There

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<v Speaker 2>was some stuff going on with us in the past

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<v Speaker 2>couple of days that I'm not used to seeing, and

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<v Speaker 2>it's a little stressful. And look, you said you've had

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<v Speaker 2>therapists in the past. We do not have a couple's

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<v Speaker 2>counselor we didn't believe that we needed one. We might

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<v Speaker 2>have spoken too soon.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, we had, we had a We have at least

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<v Speaker 3>I would say we definitely have a moment a week.

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<v Speaker 1>Probably call them hiccups, okay, disagreement. Some of them are

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<v Speaker 1>bigger than others.

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<v Speaker 2>See okay, I would disagree with that. See well, I

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<v Speaker 2>don't think we have made I don't think we have

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<v Speaker 2>major I wouldn't call it a major hookup. Hiccup a

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<v Speaker 2>week certainly not a fight or argument, disagreement.

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<v Speaker 1>A hiccup did a little small like a little tiny hiccup.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, Well, since we made that very bold declaration that

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<v Speaker 2>we do not need a couple's counselor, we will tell

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<v Speaker 2>you all that there has been one night that Robick

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<v Speaker 2>and I spent a part that can specifically be blamed

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<v Speaker 2>and attributed to a fight. That we had a fight,

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<v Speaker 2>a disagreement and argument, a tiff of of what a

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<v Speaker 2>lover's quarrel? What would you call it?

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, I mean yes, And we needed space from each

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<v Speaker 3>other and I think it did us good.

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<v Speaker 1>Space is good sometimes.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, Now this was and a lot of people can

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<v Speaker 2>relate to this. It was something small. It was so small,

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<v Speaker 2>and it started creeping up. We let it fester.

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<v Speaker 3>Exactly what it was well for me what sent me

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<v Speaker 3>over the edge. And we've had this conversation so many

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<v Speaker 3>times about.

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<v Speaker 1>Your sleeping hat.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm so nervous, okay, And you like to stay on

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<v Speaker 3>the couch, you like to not go to bed, you'd

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<v Speaker 3>like to stay up. You started to like make a

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<v Speaker 3>meal at midnight, and I just was frustrated. I was like,

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<v Speaker 3>can we please just go to bed? It had been

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<v Speaker 3>a long day. We had a lot of obligations work

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<v Speaker 3>and fun, but fun obligations aren't that fun sometimes and

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<v Speaker 3>we were tired.

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<v Speaker 2>And okay, we were emotionally exhausted.

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<v Speaker 3>It was done.

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<v Speaker 2>There was some pride, there was some ego, there was

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<v Speaker 2>some alcohol.

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<v Speaker 4>I was done at the end of the night.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, but tell it. We literally spent a night apart

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<v Speaker 2>because of a fighting cat.

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<v Speaker 3>Yep.

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<v Speaker 1>I think a lot of couples can relate to that.

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<v Speaker 3>I mean, we separate apartments, so it's it's kind of

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<v Speaker 3>nice actually have space. You know, in New York City apartments,

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<v Speaker 3>you don't have other bedrooms a lot of times, so

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<v Speaker 3>you're stuck with each other.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean, I guess there's always the couch, which is one.

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<v Speaker 2>Of your favorites, and I know you hate that just

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<v Speaker 2>and you would prefer that I leave than to sleep

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<v Speaker 2>on a couch.

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<v Speaker 1>I just I'd rather you come into bed. That would

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<v Speaker 1>be the optimum.

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<v Speaker 3>Anyway, So as we now relive this, we're now acknowledging

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<v Speaker 3>and I think a lot of a lot of couples,

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<v Speaker 3>a lot of individuals have all dealt with holidays. For us,

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<v Speaker 3>how it affects you and your relationships, your family, your children.

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<v Speaker 2>We're not at our best, okay, And this happened for

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<v Speaker 2>us smack dab in the middle of what this hectic

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<v Speaker 2>holiday season. We got really folks family. This happened where

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<v Speaker 2>we got family coming in town the next day. We

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<v Speaker 2>have family obligations and outings and events and social events.

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<v Speaker 2>And not only that, this happened the night before, we

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<v Speaker 2>had to come into studio and work together. So I

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<v Speaker 2>can't even get away from it. Some people can let me,

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<v Speaker 2>let me go to work, and I can at least

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<v Speaker 2>get away from you to work. That she is.

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<v Speaker 1>Still coming to work together.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, you take a different train, No, take the same train.

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<v Speaker 2>But here we are. We are in the studio. But

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<v Speaker 2>look what, I'm embarrassed. And I don't think I admitted

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<v Speaker 2>this to you, but I was embarrassed after the fight

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<v Speaker 2>that my first thought wasn't that I need to make

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<v Speaker 2>sure she's okay and we're okay and let me apologize,

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<v Speaker 2>or my first thought, and it's embarrassing to say, was well,

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<v Speaker 2>we got to make sure we're all right because families

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<v Speaker 2>come into town and we got to put on a

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<v Speaker 2>good face. We are gold to go into the studio together,

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<v Speaker 2>so we have to make sure we are upbeat and

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<v Speaker 2>make sure we don't lead on that anything's wrong. That

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<v Speaker 2>was one of my first thoughts. I am embarrassed that

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<v Speaker 2>that was the case.

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<v Speaker 3>We talked about this, that so much of what led

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<v Speaker 3>us to this moment in our lives is finally getting

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<v Speaker 3>to a place where we can start living our truth.

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<v Speaker 3>And I say, I know so many of us pretend

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<v Speaker 3>we're good, pretend we're happy, not just for other people

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<v Speaker 3>so that they think we're good, but we're actually pretending

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<v Speaker 3>to ourselves. And so I think by being open and

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<v Speaker 3>being honest and acknowledging the tough times, the tough moments,

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<v Speaker 3>the frustrations, and really having the conversation and not sweeping

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<v Speaker 3>it under the rug or pretending all is okay, that

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<v Speaker 3>is a part of healing and living a much better

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<v Speaker 3>life ultimately because you're living your truth.

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<v Speaker 1>It's so much harder than it seems.

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<v Speaker 5>Well.

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<v Speaker 2>We have talked about this now, and given what we've

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<v Speaker 2>gone through the past year, a lot of what's happened

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<v Speaker 2>since they've gone through, it sounds like we were suffering

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<v Speaker 2>and greatly. And I know it's hard to do comparative suffering,

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<v Speaker 2>but for what we did experience, it.

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<v Speaker 1>Was a tough year.

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<v Speaker 2>It was a tough year, but authenticity is what we

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<v Speaker 2>got out of it. So we go through our a

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<v Speaker 2>lot a lot of people ending the year and you,

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<v Speaker 2>it's hard to even go back. It's been twelve months

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<v Speaker 2>and we think so often about what happened to us,

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<v Speaker 2>but so much has happened for a lot of people

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<v Speaker 2>over the past year, and we have to go back.

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<v Speaker 2>And you and I starting the year twenty twenty three,

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<v Speaker 2>we lost somebody the two of us who was a dear,

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<v Speaker 2>dear friend of ours and who was someone who was

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<v Speaker 2>so special to us and helped us through some of

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<v Speaker 2>the darkest times and who was our absolute guardian angel.

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<v Speaker 2>And as soon as we resolve things with where we

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<v Speaker 2>used to work and it was done, and now here

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<v Speaker 2>we are coming out of it after a full year,

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<v Speaker 2>and he's not here to actually be here and not

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<v Speaker 2>just support us, but share I would be very proud

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<v Speaker 2>to share this with him. And we lost him at

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<v Speaker 2>the beginning of the year.

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<v Speaker 3>Howard Brack And he is and was the most incredible

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<v Speaker 3>crisis manager. And my god, I don't think a week

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<v Speaker 3>has gone by where we haven't said what would Howard say?

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<v Speaker 3>Would Howard tell us to do Howard guide us, and

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<v Speaker 3>so I'm I like to think he's with us, and

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<v Speaker 3>he's watching and he's smiling, and that's an important part

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<v Speaker 3>of it. But it's also I think so many people

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<v Speaker 3>can take this time and these holidays. They're not always

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<v Speaker 3>joyful and have for everyone. People lose people dearly, They've

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<v Speaker 3>had tough times, and these are the days and weeks

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<v Speaker 3>where you're reminded of it more than any other time, perhaps.

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<v Speaker 3>And I lost my grandma this year. She was my

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<v Speaker 3>last grandparent.

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<v Speaker 1>I know, at my age it was amazing to have

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<v Speaker 1>had my grandparents for as long as I did.

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<v Speaker 3>But Grandma Dorothy Roebach passed at the age of ninety one.

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<v Speaker 1>And one of one of the.

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<v Speaker 3>Quotes, well, this was the quote, the EPI quote, And

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<v Speaker 3>I'd take this with me everywhere, because you know, she

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<v Speaker 3>used to watch every day and loved watching us on TV.

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<v Speaker 3>So my dad had to explain to her what happened

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<v Speaker 3>and why I wasn't on television anymore. I get emotional

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<v Speaker 3>because I was worried about what she would say and

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<v Speaker 3>what she would think.

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<v Speaker 1>And my dad called me and said, you want to

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<v Speaker 1>hear what grandma had to say?

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<v Speaker 3>This is probably just like maybe two months before she died,

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<v Speaker 3>she said, tell Amy, these things happened.

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<v Speaker 2>That's someone who's lived.

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<v Speaker 1>I was just floored.

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<v Speaker 3>And so now we like to look at each other

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<v Speaker 3>when things hit the fan and we just say, eh,

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<v Speaker 3>these things happen.

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<v Speaker 1>So thank you, Grandma.

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<v Speaker 3>That was an amazing quote to end a beautiful life

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<v Speaker 3>with that we will continue to use and think of

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<v Speaker 3>you often.

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<v Speaker 2>But really, for your family is having a first Christmas

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<v Speaker 2>without this person who's been in you all's life for

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<v Speaker 2>so long. A lot of people are experiencing that a

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<v Speaker 2>lot of people are having and experiencing health issues. We

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<v Speaker 2>haven't talked about this, but not too long ago, we

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<v Speaker 2>found ourselves in NYU Hospital for I think it's fair

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<v Speaker 2>to call an urgent exam. Your doctor saw some previous

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<v Speaker 2>results and say you need to get your butt into

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<v Speaker 2>the doctor's office immediately and we need to run these tests.

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<v Speaker 2>And then after that we had to We were there

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<v Speaker 2>and we left and had to just wait by the

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<v Speaker 2>phone for a call that was essentially a life or

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<v Speaker 2>death call in a lot of ways.

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<v Speaker 3>And anyone who has had cancer knows when you have

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<v Speaker 3>a scare of a potential recurrence or another new cancer.

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<v Speaker 3>You're going in for a test, and it's not just

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<v Speaker 3>any test. It's a test where you feel like you're

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<v Speaker 3>going to get a thumbs up or a thumbs down.

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<v Speaker 3>It can be that dramatic. And so yes, waiting for

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<v Speaker 3>those test res offs for twenty four hours was unnerving

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<v Speaker 3>to say the least, but it was positive and meaning

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<v Speaker 3>that it was positive news and it was not anything

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<v Speaker 3>to be concerned about. But yeah, you get those moments

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<v Speaker 3>and all of a sudden your life flashes in front

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<v Speaker 3>of you again.

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<v Speaker 2>And then here we are, two of us sitting here

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<v Speaker 2>this year as well, finalized divorces. Yeah, this year as well.

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<v Speaker 2>Not long ago, there was a move into a new apartment.

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<v Speaker 2>We launched this new venture here with iHeart been working

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<v Speaker 2>on this for the past six months plus all that

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<v Speaker 2>stuff going on behind the scenes. Folks didn't know a

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<v Speaker 2>lot of that work going though. That was a huge transition,

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<v Speaker 2>and at the same time we were trying to get

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<v Speaker 2>our kids adjusted to new realities of family. We've got

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<v Speaker 2>to figure out the holidays, who goes where when and

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<v Speaker 2>what time, and who goes in the morning and who

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<v Speaker 2>comes over in the evening. And so with all of

0:10:50.440 --> 0:10:52.760
<v Speaker 2>that that we went through in the year and you

0:10:52.880 --> 0:10:55.920
<v Speaker 2>all a lot of you had similar stories or experiences.

0:10:56.280 --> 0:10:59.320
<v Speaker 2>So after we went through all that and talked about it,

0:10:59.320 --> 0:11:01.560
<v Speaker 2>it turns out we do need a relationship counselor.

0:11:01.640 --> 0:11:05.240
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, and it turns out we decided what better place

0:11:05.760 --> 0:11:07.560
<v Speaker 3>to talk about all of this than right here on

0:11:07.600 --> 0:11:11.520
<v Speaker 3>our podcast so that you all can ride along with

0:11:11.600 --> 0:11:13.640
<v Speaker 3>us and maybe write a few things down. Because we

0:11:13.720 --> 0:11:16.880
<v Speaker 3>have someone who we have loved and known for decades.

0:11:16.920 --> 0:11:20.080
<v Speaker 2>Now. Yeah, we invited him to be here. We invited

0:11:20.160 --> 0:11:22.800
<v Speaker 2>him before we had the fight, so he didn't know

0:11:22.840 --> 0:11:24.040
<v Speaker 2>he was going to come on and have to be

0:11:24.040 --> 0:11:27.280
<v Speaker 2>our relationship counselor. But hey, here we are. But he

0:11:27.520 --> 0:11:31.199
<v Speaker 2>is absolutely someone we just adore in one of our

0:11:31.200 --> 0:11:35.200
<v Speaker 2>favorite people we have ever interviewed in our careers. It's

0:11:35.200 --> 0:11:38.000
<v Speaker 2>our pleasure to welcome author, professor, minister TV host, an

0:11:38.040 --> 0:11:40.280
<v Speaker 2>expert in the field of mental health, our friend and

0:11:40.440 --> 0:11:45.600
<v Speaker 2>America's psychologist, doctor Jeff Guard. Dear young fellow.

0:11:47.040 --> 0:11:51.520
<v Speaker 5>Amy TJ's so great to be with you again. It's

0:11:51.600 --> 0:11:55.280
<v Speaker 5>been a minute. The world has changed, so much has

0:11:55.320 --> 0:11:59.120
<v Speaker 5>gone on, you guys have Oh my god, I put.

0:11:59.000 --> 0:12:01.560
<v Speaker 6>Up with and experience so much.

0:12:01.600 --> 0:12:05.280
<v Speaker 5>But I'm glad that we are all here to talk

0:12:05.360 --> 0:12:09.760
<v Speaker 5>about the holiday season, what we've been through, what we're expecting,

0:12:10.520 --> 0:12:14.679
<v Speaker 5>what the promise of tomorrow is all about, what some

0:12:14.760 --> 0:12:17.840
<v Speaker 5>of the issues are that we still need to work around.

0:12:18.360 --> 0:12:21.920
<v Speaker 5>But you know, this is great information that you're giving

0:12:21.920 --> 0:12:24.400
<v Speaker 5>out today, and I'm glad that we're talking about this,

0:12:24.559 --> 0:12:27.320
<v Speaker 5>and I'm happy to be your therapist if you.

0:12:29.120 --> 0:12:29.440
<v Speaker 2>Say that.

0:12:29.520 --> 0:12:32.520
<v Speaker 1>Now, just wait, doctor Guardier.

0:12:33.000 --> 0:12:36.440
<v Speaker 3>It's funny because we all have these expectations about this

0:12:36.520 --> 0:12:39.840
<v Speaker 3>time of year. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

0:12:39.920 --> 0:12:42.440
<v Speaker 3>And I remember being in a storybugs actually what that

0:12:42.480 --> 0:12:45.000
<v Speaker 3>song was playing when things were really not great, and

0:12:45.040 --> 0:12:45.920
<v Speaker 3>I started crying.

0:12:46.120 --> 0:12:49.280
<v Speaker 1>But just hearing that song set me off.

0:12:49.480 --> 0:12:51.760
<v Speaker 3>What is it about this time of year that can

0:12:51.800 --> 0:12:56.720
<v Speaker 3>cause such dramatic reactions and difficulties with individuals and families

0:12:56.720 --> 0:12:57.800
<v Speaker 3>and relationships.

0:12:58.280 --> 0:13:00.880
<v Speaker 5>Well, in this time of year, of course, we are

0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:04.400
<v Speaker 5>very emotionally aroused. There are a lot of expectations, as

0:13:04.440 --> 0:13:08.000
<v Speaker 5>you talked about, as far as being on being present,

0:13:09.080 --> 0:13:13.520
<v Speaker 5>being able to be there for family members, to be

0:13:13.760 --> 0:13:18.040
<v Speaker 5>joyous that this is the expectation that comes along with

0:13:18.120 --> 0:13:21.679
<v Speaker 5>this time of year, and when we're not really feeling it,

0:13:21.760 --> 0:13:24.920
<v Speaker 5>when we're going through our own thing when we're not

0:13:25.040 --> 0:13:29.280
<v Speaker 5>particularly feeling joyous. But again, the expectation is you have

0:13:29.360 --> 0:13:33.560
<v Speaker 5>to smile even though your heart is breaking. That is

0:13:33.800 --> 0:13:38.040
<v Speaker 5>a challenge, that is a weight that you carry upon

0:13:38.120 --> 0:13:40.920
<v Speaker 5>your shoulders, because in some ways, it's not even the

0:13:41.040 --> 0:13:46.440
<v Speaker 5>expectations of others, Amy, it's also the expectations you have

0:13:46.960 --> 0:13:48.160
<v Speaker 5>on yourself.

0:13:48.400 --> 0:13:51.200
<v Speaker 2>Well, doctor Gardia, how dangerous is that if we put

0:13:51.240 --> 0:13:54.440
<v Speaker 2>ourselves in that position to always try to be chipper

0:13:54.440 --> 0:13:56.319
<v Speaker 2>and a Starbucks when we hear a song, to always

0:13:56.360 --> 0:13:58.600
<v Speaker 2>smile because you know what, I just got that Christmas

0:13:58.640 --> 0:14:00.360
<v Speaker 2>card in the mail and that was the perfect little

0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:03.280
<v Speaker 2>family with the dog and the two kids, and right

0:14:03.400 --> 0:14:06.360
<v Speaker 2>everybody's life and on Instagram everybody looks like they're having

0:14:06.400 --> 0:14:09.079
<v Speaker 2>a wonderful time of the year. What's the danger in

0:14:09.120 --> 0:14:10.319
<v Speaker 2>setting that expectation.

0:14:11.400 --> 0:14:12.079
<v Speaker 6>Well, before we.

0:14:12.040 --> 0:14:15.680
<v Speaker 5>Talk about the danger, let's talk about perhaps how it

0:14:15.760 --> 0:14:19.720
<v Speaker 5>can help when we do get those little cards and

0:14:19.760 --> 0:14:22.240
<v Speaker 5>so on, because it can cheer us up a little bit.

0:14:22.640 --> 0:14:24.240
<v Speaker 6>But that can only go so far.

0:14:24.400 --> 0:14:29.600
<v Speaker 5>And so the danger is that people are looking at

0:14:29.640 --> 0:14:33.760
<v Speaker 5>you and expecting you to smile. You are expecting yourself

0:14:33.960 --> 0:14:37.880
<v Speaker 5>to now be happy. You even begin to minimize some

0:14:37.960 --> 0:14:40.600
<v Speaker 5>of the things that you're feeling. You begin to blame

0:14:40.680 --> 0:14:45.600
<v Speaker 5>yourself and say, well, maybe something's wrong with me, maybe

0:14:45.600 --> 0:14:49.560
<v Speaker 5>this is something that I deserve or that I'm doing

0:14:49.600 --> 0:14:50.400
<v Speaker 5>to myself.

0:14:50.760 --> 0:14:52.360
<v Speaker 6>And therefore we take all the.

0:14:52.280 --> 0:14:55.800
<v Speaker 5>Responsibilities away from other people and then we put it

0:14:55.920 --> 0:14:59.080
<v Speaker 5>all on ourselves, and as I said, we become our

0:14:59.160 --> 0:15:03.520
<v Speaker 5>own harshest critic. And then that makes our emotions. It

0:15:03.720 --> 0:15:07.720
<v Speaker 5>makes the angst that we're feeling, the depression, the sadness,

0:15:07.840 --> 0:15:11.520
<v Speaker 5>the anxiety, it makes it so much worse.

0:15:11.800 --> 0:15:13.720
<v Speaker 6>And now we feel like we.

0:15:13.840 --> 0:15:17.320
<v Speaker 5>Are carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders,

0:15:17.440 --> 0:15:22.120
<v Speaker 5>and we don't given ourselves enough grace in this time.

0:15:22.440 --> 0:15:23.640
<v Speaker 1>I feel validated, Jeff.

0:15:24.040 --> 0:15:26.800
<v Speaker 3>You know what, we are going to continue this conversation

0:15:26.880 --> 0:15:30.320
<v Speaker 3>because we talked about the why and acknowledging that we're

0:15:30.400 --> 0:15:32.280
<v Speaker 3>kind of all in this together. I don't think anyone's

0:15:32.280 --> 0:15:34.400
<v Speaker 3>immune to what you just described. Let's talk about now

0:15:34.480 --> 0:15:47.120
<v Speaker 3>next what we can do about it, and welcome back everyone.

0:15:47.280 --> 0:15:50.880
<v Speaker 3>We have doctor Jeff Garder with us talking about something

0:15:50.920 --> 0:15:54.520
<v Speaker 3>we've all been experiencing. I'm fairly certain this holiday season

0:15:54.560 --> 0:16:00.440
<v Speaker 3>that's stress, that's anxiety, that's relationship difficulties and lost. This

0:16:00.680 --> 0:16:04.440
<v Speaker 3>forced feeling of I should be happy that somehow creates

0:16:04.600 --> 0:16:06.200
<v Speaker 3>quite the opposite feeling and a lot of us. So

0:16:06.400 --> 0:16:09.240
<v Speaker 3>we're talking about something I think most of us know

0:16:09.600 --> 0:16:12.600
<v Speaker 3>unfortunately very well, but we have such an amazing person

0:16:12.640 --> 0:16:15.120
<v Speaker 3>with us to talk about what we can do about it.

0:16:15.520 --> 0:16:19.720
<v Speaker 3>And Jeff, someone once told me this, and it makes

0:16:19.760 --> 0:16:22.360
<v Speaker 3>sense kind of, but I want to get your take

0:16:22.400 --> 0:16:26.440
<v Speaker 3>on it. Don't avoid conflicts, value them. That seems like

0:16:26.480 --> 0:16:30.440
<v Speaker 3>something you wouldn't want to pursue. But sometimes with all

0:16:30.480 --> 0:16:33.520
<v Speaker 3>of the stress and conflict we may have with one another,

0:16:33.880 --> 0:16:37.560
<v Speaker 3>there can be really important, incredible takeaways and growth. Yes,

0:16:37.960 --> 0:16:39.760
<v Speaker 3>how do we get our head around that and look

0:16:39.760 --> 0:16:41.040
<v Speaker 3>at it from that vantage point?

0:16:42.480 --> 0:16:44.680
<v Speaker 5>I think perhaps the person to talk to you is

0:16:44.760 --> 0:16:48.840
<v Speaker 5>very psychologically minded, because really one of the basic tenets

0:16:48.880 --> 0:16:52.680
<v Speaker 5>in dealing with conflict or resolution is to actually deal

0:16:52.800 --> 0:16:57.160
<v Speaker 5>with the conflict. Too often we want to avoid any

0:16:57.320 --> 0:17:01.040
<v Speaker 5>kind of issues that are difficult for us, especially in relationships,

0:17:01.240 --> 0:17:04.760
<v Speaker 5>whether it's a personal or professional relationship, whether it's a

0:17:04.800 --> 0:17:08.080
<v Speaker 5>family relationship. But the conflicts are there for a reason.

0:17:08.400 --> 0:17:12.119
<v Speaker 5>There are unresolved issues that have to be taken care of.

0:17:12.480 --> 0:17:16.160
<v Speaker 5>The more that we put them in the corner. The

0:17:16.160 --> 0:17:19.680
<v Speaker 5>more that we can partmentalize them, the more strength that

0:17:19.720 --> 0:17:23.560
<v Speaker 5>they gain. The more dysfunction that we see, we become

0:17:23.680 --> 0:17:28.159
<v Speaker 5>even much more uncomfortable, and our relationships strain even more. So.

0:17:28.359 --> 0:17:32.000
<v Speaker 5>At some point you can run, but you cannot hide

0:17:32.000 --> 0:17:36.000
<v Speaker 5>from that particular issue or conflict. And that's why it's

0:17:36.040 --> 0:17:40.119
<v Speaker 5>important to say, yes, there is an issue here, let's

0:17:40.359 --> 0:17:41.320
<v Speaker 5>talk about it.

0:17:41.520 --> 0:17:43.840
<v Speaker 3>But do you have to talk about it then? Because

0:17:43.920 --> 0:17:47.119
<v Speaker 3>I did say so. We had our little tiff the

0:17:47.160 --> 0:17:47.880
<v Speaker 3>other week.

0:17:47.880 --> 0:17:50.919
<v Speaker 2>And that's really understating it. I needed to leave. I

0:17:51.000 --> 0:17:54.440
<v Speaker 2>needed to leave. No, she didn't leve. I put her out,

0:17:54.480 --> 0:17:57.600
<v Speaker 2>Doctor God, I put out. And then the.

0:17:57.520 --> 0:18:02.720
<v Speaker 3>Next day, when some of us up, we could we

0:18:02.760 --> 0:18:05.160
<v Speaker 3>could talk about it in a calm way and actually

0:18:05.240 --> 0:18:09.000
<v Speaker 3>have company results. Do you encourage taking time and taking

0:18:09.040 --> 0:18:12.240
<v Speaker 3>some space and letting yourself calm down before you actually

0:18:12.320 --> 0:18:13.720
<v Speaker 3>engage in the conflict resolution.

0:18:14.560 --> 0:18:18.560
<v Speaker 5>So I was listening to your opening talk, of course,

0:18:19.119 --> 0:18:21.919
<v Speaker 5>and a couple of points that you all made that

0:18:22.000 --> 0:18:25.280
<v Speaker 5>I think we really should pay attention to number one,

0:18:25.560 --> 0:18:29.600
<v Speaker 5>even though I believe that whatever conflict we're having, at

0:18:29.600 --> 0:18:32.920
<v Speaker 5>the end of the night, we should be in bed together.

0:18:33.400 --> 0:18:35.560
<v Speaker 5>You know, and kind of just put that to the

0:18:35.680 --> 0:18:39.560
<v Speaker 5>side for the time. It's just my opinion there, TJ.

0:18:40.119 --> 0:18:41.520
<v Speaker 6>But you know you should.

0:18:41.280 --> 0:18:44.760
<v Speaker 5>Sleep in that same bed because it does show that solidarity.

0:18:44.760 --> 0:18:47.040
<v Speaker 5>But you will learn since I'm going to become your

0:18:47.240 --> 0:18:50.000
<v Speaker 5>therapist or a couple therapists anyway, I'm announcing it to

0:18:50.040 --> 0:18:53.080
<v Speaker 5>the world. But you know, the thing that you did do,

0:18:53.280 --> 0:18:55.560
<v Speaker 5>both of you did that I thought was important. You

0:18:55.640 --> 0:18:59.240
<v Speaker 5>felt that it was something too big to manage at

0:18:59.280 --> 0:19:03.520
<v Speaker 5>the time, so you gave yourselves space. And that is

0:19:03.560 --> 0:19:06.959
<v Speaker 5>the proper thing to do, whether it be in another

0:19:07.080 --> 0:19:10.000
<v Speaker 5>room or if you're fortunate enough to have your own

0:19:10.320 --> 0:19:12.520
<v Speaker 5>living space to be able to retreat to that.

0:19:12.520 --> 0:19:14.600
<v Speaker 6>That's good because, as I like to say.

0:19:14.600 --> 0:19:20.000
<v Speaker 5>No one can hear you screaming at one another in space, right,

0:19:20.080 --> 0:19:23.600
<v Speaker 5>so that gives you time to calm things down. Secondly,

0:19:23.640 --> 0:19:26.679
<v Speaker 5>you said there was you know, perhaps a little you know,

0:19:27.000 --> 0:19:32.000
<v Speaker 5>social drinking involved. And the next rule is when you

0:19:32.320 --> 0:19:36.359
<v Speaker 5>have some social drinking, probably not a good idea to

0:19:36.480 --> 0:19:40.040
<v Speaker 5>try to resolve issues because it makes our tongues a

0:19:40.080 --> 0:19:43.280
<v Speaker 5>little bit looser, the impulse control is it a little

0:19:43.280 --> 0:19:47.760
<v Speaker 5>bit less, So wait until your completely sober to talk

0:19:47.800 --> 0:19:52.240
<v Speaker 5>about it. And getting directly to your point. Amy, Yes,

0:19:52.640 --> 0:19:57.280
<v Speaker 5>sometimes you should wait and say, Okay, things are two heated,

0:19:57.560 --> 0:19:59.720
<v Speaker 5>let's take a time out, Let's give it a couple

0:19:59.760 --> 0:20:02.640
<v Speaker 5>of and then when we can come back and talk

0:20:02.680 --> 0:20:06.240
<v Speaker 5>about it with our rational minds, not so much the

0:20:06.320 --> 0:20:11.439
<v Speaker 5>reptilian mind of I gotta win, I gotta make my point.

0:20:11.720 --> 0:20:15.360
<v Speaker 5>It's more of it's not about winning, it's about sharing.

0:20:15.640 --> 0:20:19.320
<v Speaker 5>It's about learning. It's about growing so we can deal

0:20:19.400 --> 0:20:22.480
<v Speaker 5>with the next conflict that comes along, because you know,

0:20:22.560 --> 0:20:25.800
<v Speaker 5>they keep on coming, right, and we want to be

0:20:25.800 --> 0:20:29.480
<v Speaker 5>better each time. And I think if we follow that

0:20:29.680 --> 0:20:33.040
<v Speaker 5>kind of a process, there isn't anything that we can't

0:20:33.080 --> 0:20:34.720
<v Speaker 5>solve in a relationship.

0:20:34.800 --> 0:20:36.440
<v Speaker 2>How did we come out of this one? Would you say?

0:20:36.800 --> 0:20:39.400
<v Speaker 2>How did we result? Because we didn't. We started texting

0:20:39.680 --> 0:20:42.080
<v Speaker 2>at the end of the morning, and then what I'm you.

0:20:42.040 --> 0:20:44.480
<v Speaker 1>Came, I'm actually proud. We've come a long way.

0:20:44.560 --> 0:20:47.399
<v Speaker 3>I mean, I think even as friends, we fought like

0:20:47.480 --> 0:20:49.240
<v Speaker 3>we thought as coworkers in front, so.

0:20:49.200 --> 0:20:51.240
<v Speaker 2>We're not Yeah, but then I knew I could go home.

0:20:52.320 --> 0:20:56.400
<v Speaker 2>I don't have to stick it out with you care guys, but.

0:20:56.400 --> 0:20:58.840
<v Speaker 3>I do think we have learned. I'm proud we I

0:20:58.840 --> 0:21:01.159
<v Speaker 3>think we're pretty good with impulse control. We're not shouting

0:21:01.200 --> 0:21:04.159
<v Speaker 3>at each other, we're not none of that's happening. But

0:21:04.480 --> 0:21:06.360
<v Speaker 3>I think they're just kind of going to shut down mode.

0:21:06.400 --> 0:21:08.680
<v Speaker 3>But yes, the texting is usually how we get back.

0:21:08.680 --> 0:21:10.840
<v Speaker 3>I think we both told each other that we missed

0:21:10.840 --> 0:21:12.200
<v Speaker 3>each other and that we loved each other.

0:21:12.359 --> 0:21:14.600
<v Speaker 5>Okay, you know that's a very good way to open

0:21:14.640 --> 0:21:17.800
<v Speaker 5>it up with words of affirmation, words of love. You know,

0:21:17.840 --> 0:21:21.040
<v Speaker 5>we don't hear the three most important words in the

0:21:21.080 --> 0:21:22.520
<v Speaker 5>world often enough.

0:21:23.000 --> 0:21:24.440
<v Speaker 6>I love you.

0:21:24.840 --> 0:21:28.480
<v Speaker 5>And when you open up any kind of discussion with

0:21:28.800 --> 0:21:31.879
<v Speaker 5>your partner with I love you, but I need to

0:21:31.920 --> 0:21:35.400
<v Speaker 5>say this, I love you, but this is what I felt.

0:21:35.760 --> 0:21:39.320
<v Speaker 5>It really does kind of like open up a door

0:21:39.520 --> 0:21:42.520
<v Speaker 5>in a very gentle way to be able to listen

0:21:42.520 --> 0:21:46.280
<v Speaker 5>to one another because you're saying, I'm giving you unconditional

0:21:46.359 --> 0:21:50.160
<v Speaker 5>positive regard no matter where this discussion goes.

0:21:50.240 --> 0:21:53.399
<v Speaker 2>You said three words. She has a favorite four words.

0:21:53.440 --> 0:22:00.199
<v Speaker 2>It's I love you, but no, no kind of. But

0:22:00.240 --> 0:22:01.920
<v Speaker 2>it's what comes after the butt that gets us in

0:22:02.000 --> 0:22:06.119
<v Speaker 2>trouble there, guard dear, Look, we're dogging here about family

0:22:06.280 --> 0:22:09.960
<v Speaker 2>world relationships here, but there's so much people talk about

0:22:09.960 --> 0:22:12.439
<v Speaker 2>family during the holidays, and we're still getting through the

0:22:12.480 --> 0:22:14.520
<v Speaker 2>end of this holiday season. People spend a lot of

0:22:14.520 --> 0:22:17.000
<v Speaker 2>time with family, and you hear the jokes like I

0:22:17.080 --> 0:22:19.159
<v Speaker 2>gotta deal with my this, I gotta deal with my

0:22:19.200 --> 0:22:21.000
<v Speaker 2>in laws, I gotta deal with my mom and somebody's

0:22:21.000 --> 0:22:24.080
<v Speaker 2>giving me a hard time. And but that has a

0:22:24.160 --> 0:22:26.720
<v Speaker 2>negative connotation to it around the holidays when it comes

0:22:26.760 --> 0:22:31.679
<v Speaker 2>to family. But also isn't family wonderful to be leaning

0:22:31.680 --> 0:22:35.120
<v Speaker 2>on in this very difficult time? And we should probably

0:22:35.160 --> 0:22:37.520
<v Speaker 2>Oh well, I'll let you say it, if it's the case,

0:22:37.920 --> 0:22:40.600
<v Speaker 2>be leaning on our family like this year.

0:22:40.520 --> 0:22:46.879
<v Speaker 5>Round and now more than ever, in this very fractured, divided,

0:22:46.960 --> 0:22:48.439
<v Speaker 5>violent world that we live in.

0:22:48.520 --> 0:22:51.240
<v Speaker 6>What do we really have family?

0:22:51.400 --> 0:22:55.480
<v Speaker 5>You know, you talked about Amy, you talked about your

0:22:55.600 --> 0:22:58.280
<v Speaker 5>your I believe your grandma passed away. You talked about

0:22:58.280 --> 0:23:02.800
<v Speaker 5>your good friend Howard who passed away. We have to

0:23:02.880 --> 0:23:06.280
<v Speaker 5>rely and my condolences. Of course, we have to rely

0:23:06.840 --> 0:23:10.040
<v Speaker 5>on the people that we love to be our anchors.

0:23:10.359 --> 0:23:15.080
<v Speaker 5>And so I know for my Christmas, I really was

0:23:15.920 --> 0:23:18.400
<v Speaker 5>very anxious about seeing.

0:23:18.040 --> 0:23:20.280
<v Speaker 6>My family, my in laws.

0:23:21.240 --> 0:23:23.280
<v Speaker 5>You know, some of the people that I grew up with,

0:23:23.359 --> 0:23:26.920
<v Speaker 5>Because when you get together at that dinner table. No

0:23:26.960 --> 0:23:29.600
<v Speaker 5>matter how old you are, how far you've come, what

0:23:29.720 --> 0:23:34.520
<v Speaker 5>you have achieved, it goes back to those basic family dynamics. Right,

0:23:35.040 --> 0:23:38.040
<v Speaker 5>Mom always loved you best. Oh, you were the one

0:23:38.080 --> 0:23:42.360
<v Speaker 5>who got all the attention. I was the middle child

0:23:42.400 --> 0:23:46.000
<v Speaker 5>and I was ignored. So we replay those dynamics. But

0:23:46.480 --> 0:23:50.760
<v Speaker 5>this is an opportunity for us to have an emotional replay,

0:23:51.280 --> 0:23:56.399
<v Speaker 5>to use our minds in a way where we are

0:23:56.440 --> 0:23:58.959
<v Speaker 5>in present day and dealing with a lot of the

0:23:59.000 --> 0:24:03.359
<v Speaker 5>past issues, but using our intelligence, our cognition to be

0:24:03.560 --> 0:24:09.680
<v Speaker 5>able to talk about these unresolved issues and to address them.

0:24:09.720 --> 0:24:12.320
<v Speaker 5>We may not solve them then and there, but it's

0:24:12.400 --> 0:24:15.800
<v Speaker 5>important that we be able to continue to address them,

0:24:15.960 --> 0:24:19.000
<v Speaker 5>and it may take years, but at least we're talking

0:24:19.080 --> 0:24:22.240
<v Speaker 5>to one another. At least we're there, because you never

0:24:22.359 --> 0:24:26.000
<v Speaker 5>know who may not be there in the next holiday

0:24:26.480 --> 0:24:30.639
<v Speaker 5>Erish who you have right now, because in this uncertain world,

0:24:30.880 --> 0:24:33.760
<v Speaker 5>we never know from one day to the next. Love

0:24:34.160 --> 0:24:36.720
<v Speaker 5>that person that you are with right now.

0:24:36.760 --> 0:24:39.560
<v Speaker 3>It's so true, and you know, I think we all

0:24:39.600 --> 0:24:43.520
<v Speaker 3>need to be reminded of that during this holiday season.

0:24:43.560 --> 0:24:47.959
<v Speaker 3>It's interesting. Obviously TJ and I have had some incredibly

0:24:48.800 --> 0:24:56.320
<v Speaker 3>like very very significant life changes, family changes, different dynamics.

0:24:56.400 --> 0:24:59.080
<v Speaker 3>And I have now my twenty one year old daughter

0:24:59.359 --> 0:25:02.439
<v Speaker 3>from college in the apartment right now with us, my

0:25:02.480 --> 0:25:07.760
<v Speaker 3>seventeen year old who's stressed out. She's getting college acceptances

0:25:07.800 --> 0:25:10.359
<v Speaker 3>and deferrals as we speak, and so there's just a

0:25:10.400 --> 0:25:13.640
<v Speaker 3>lot of I don't want to say tension, but there's

0:25:13.680 --> 0:25:18.520
<v Speaker 3>just there's a lot of energy in the apartment.

0:25:18.720 --> 0:25:20.639
<v Speaker 6>And you may want to say tension.

0:25:21.480 --> 0:25:24.479
<v Speaker 1>Yes, that yep, that absolutely is a part of it.

0:25:24.520 --> 0:25:26.920
<v Speaker 2>And then you're throw in her black boyfriend. Oh my god,

0:25:27.080 --> 0:25:31.560
<v Speaker 2>doctor Guardia, you talk about stress.

0:25:31.880 --> 0:25:36.720
<v Speaker 5>WHOA, Well, that's that that that listen, that's stability right there,

0:25:37.359 --> 0:25:38.240
<v Speaker 5>that's stability.

0:25:39.880 --> 0:25:41.760
<v Speaker 6>If you're hearing it from a black therapist.

0:25:41.880 --> 0:25:45.159
<v Speaker 2>Yah, I love it.

0:25:45.240 --> 0:25:45.760
<v Speaker 1>I love it.

0:25:46.280 --> 0:25:50.960
<v Speaker 3>What what is the best way to diffuse the situation

0:25:51.080 --> 0:25:53.680
<v Speaker 3>when you've got people who might not always be living

0:25:53.720 --> 0:25:57.840
<v Speaker 3>together around each other suddenly thrown into an apartment together.

0:25:57.880 --> 0:26:01.960
<v Speaker 3>You know, even as a parent, as a sibling, is

0:26:02.080 --> 0:26:04.879
<v Speaker 3>do the rules stay the same based on who you are,

0:26:04.880 --> 0:26:07.520
<v Speaker 3>a role you play in the family. How to best

0:26:07.840 --> 0:26:10.159
<v Speaker 3>diffuse a situation and to not be triggered? And I

0:26:10.200 --> 0:26:12.000
<v Speaker 3>think we all I hear my daughters use that word

0:26:12.000 --> 0:26:13.119
<v Speaker 3>all the time. You're triggering me.

0:26:13.720 --> 0:26:16.639
<v Speaker 1>Okay, I don't even know what that means, but all right, and.

0:26:16.640 --> 0:26:21.199
<v Speaker 3>Whose responsibility is it to maintain their reaction to the trigger?

0:26:22.000 --> 0:26:22.240
<v Speaker 6>Right?

0:26:22.720 --> 0:26:28.080
<v Speaker 5>Right, the right word was tension. So with you, with

0:26:28.160 --> 0:26:30.680
<v Speaker 5>your twenty one year old and your seventeen year old

0:26:30.680 --> 0:26:35.960
<v Speaker 5>there they are going through a very challenging time of

0:26:36.040 --> 0:26:39.920
<v Speaker 5>their lives, as you are going through a challenging time

0:26:40.160 --> 0:26:44.160
<v Speaker 5>in your lives, you know, Amy and TJ. So sometimes

0:26:44.200 --> 0:26:47.720
<v Speaker 5>we may not have the bandwidth to be able to

0:26:47.840 --> 0:26:51.479
<v Speaker 5>look at what it is that, you know, our children

0:26:51.560 --> 0:26:54.639
<v Speaker 5>are experiencing. But at the end of the day, as adults,

0:26:54.920 --> 0:26:56.320
<v Speaker 5>we are the leaders of the pack.

0:26:56.680 --> 0:26:58.000
<v Speaker 6>We are the alphas.

0:26:58.200 --> 0:27:00.560
<v Speaker 5>So we have to be able to find a way

0:27:01.040 --> 0:27:05.520
<v Speaker 5>to allow them to be able to express themselves in

0:27:05.560 --> 0:27:11.000
<v Speaker 5>a very constructive way, even if they are irrational, even

0:27:11.040 --> 0:27:13.639
<v Speaker 5>if they're feeling a lot of emotion, even if they're

0:27:13.920 --> 0:27:17.080
<v Speaker 5>you know, striking out or what have you. It for

0:27:17.240 --> 0:27:20.760
<v Speaker 5>you as the leader, it's allowing them to have that space,

0:27:21.080 --> 0:27:23.439
<v Speaker 5>yet at the same time being able to give them

0:27:23.480 --> 0:27:27.600
<v Speaker 5>the guardrails to say it's okay, it's okay to have

0:27:27.680 --> 0:27:31.600
<v Speaker 5>your emotions, it's okay to be anxious. It's okay to be,

0:27:32.200 --> 0:27:36.320
<v Speaker 5>you know, overly excited to the point of where you're

0:27:36.359 --> 0:27:40.919
<v Speaker 5>stepping on some toes, but learn how to temper that

0:27:41.359 --> 0:27:44.120
<v Speaker 5>because that's part of our lives, that's the way that

0:27:44.240 --> 0:27:46.919
<v Speaker 5>we do function in a more constructive way.

0:27:47.080 --> 0:27:49.800
<v Speaker 2>We're talking about seventeen to twenty year old here her daughters,

0:27:49.800 --> 0:27:52.480
<v Speaker 2>and you talk about potentially being irrational and there of

0:27:52.520 --> 0:27:54.399
<v Speaker 2>a certain age, But do you need to extend that

0:27:54.520 --> 0:27:58.720
<v Speaker 2>grace to everybody throughout your life? Right? There are grown

0:27:58.800 --> 0:28:01.960
<v Speaker 2>folks who can be a rational and we're all looking

0:28:02.000 --> 0:28:05.719
<v Speaker 2>for a way, certainly when we're stressed out. And I

0:28:05.760 --> 0:28:08.680
<v Speaker 2>wasn't gonna say it, but thank you for that out there.

0:28:09.760 --> 0:28:11.960
<v Speaker 2>I didn't want to say it. But what can you

0:28:12.920 --> 0:28:15.960
<v Speaker 2>what can you do there to manage people? How much

0:28:16.040 --> 0:28:21.400
<v Speaker 2>of yourself should you extend for somebody else's trigger? As

0:28:21.440 --> 0:28:24.160
<v Speaker 2>you say, you.

0:28:24.040 --> 0:28:27.560
<v Speaker 5>Know, we we have to try to live up to

0:28:28.960 --> 0:28:33.200
<v Speaker 5>a higher standard and not own other people's.

0:28:32.800 --> 0:28:34.440
<v Speaker 6>Anks and not own.

0:28:35.840 --> 0:28:38.760
<v Speaker 5>They're some of there. And I'm not talking about your daughters.

0:28:38.800 --> 0:28:41.560
<v Speaker 5>I'm talking about sometimes in the general public and what

0:28:41.680 --> 0:28:43.600
<v Speaker 5>the two of you have gone through.

0:28:44.560 --> 0:28:46.240
<v Speaker 6>Other people's projections.

0:28:46.520 --> 0:28:49.280
<v Speaker 5>We can't own those things and it's so easy to

0:28:49.360 --> 0:28:53.840
<v Speaker 5>absorb that negative energy. And when I speak to my patients,

0:28:53.880 --> 0:28:56.120
<v Speaker 5>I say, the way that you do that is to

0:28:56.240 --> 0:28:59.800
<v Speaker 5>understand what it is that's being thrown at you, expressed it.

0:29:00.120 --> 0:29:02.600
<v Speaker 5>You may not have anything to do with you at all.

0:29:03.080 --> 0:29:09.120
<v Speaker 5>That is their own intra psychic conflicts, unresolved baggage that

0:29:09.120 --> 0:29:12.560
<v Speaker 5>they're carrying around, and they get into something called splitting

0:29:12.880 --> 0:29:17.440
<v Speaker 5>where they then project a lot of their insecurities onto

0:29:17.520 --> 0:29:21.280
<v Speaker 5>you because they don't want to own their own thing. So,

0:29:21.960 --> 0:29:24.719
<v Speaker 5>in some ways, I like to call it flipping the

0:29:24.760 --> 0:29:28.120
<v Speaker 5>script and tricking the devil. That person that may come

0:29:28.160 --> 0:29:31.200
<v Speaker 5>against you in that particular way, or who may be

0:29:31.440 --> 0:29:34.080
<v Speaker 5>rude in front of you, or who may even be

0:29:34.200 --> 0:29:36.959
<v Speaker 5>part of your family and is acting out in a

0:29:36.960 --> 0:29:37.680
<v Speaker 5>certain way.

0:29:38.720 --> 0:29:40.040
<v Speaker 6>You have to show them.

0:29:40.200 --> 0:29:42.680
<v Speaker 5>You don't have to, but it makes you the better

0:29:42.800 --> 0:29:46.880
<v Speaker 5>person to show the grace and understanding of saying, hey,

0:29:46.880 --> 0:29:49.760
<v Speaker 5>what's really going on here? How is it that I

0:29:49.840 --> 0:29:53.520
<v Speaker 5>can help you, but also showing the grace and understanding

0:29:53.560 --> 0:29:57.200
<v Speaker 5>to yourself to be able to say, there are boundaries here,

0:29:57.600 --> 0:30:01.040
<v Speaker 5>and there's only so far that you can go where

0:30:01.240 --> 0:30:05.200
<v Speaker 5>I either tell you you stop or I pull back

0:30:05.320 --> 0:30:06.800
<v Speaker 5>and walk away.

0:30:06.720 --> 0:30:09.360
<v Speaker 2>Ro certainly so far that you can go or I'm

0:30:09.360 --> 0:30:11.920
<v Speaker 2>going to step back and pull back and I'm gonna

0:30:11.920 --> 0:30:13.120
<v Speaker 2>walk away, Okay.

0:30:13.360 --> 0:30:15.760
<v Speaker 1>It's so hard not to be defensive in those moments.

0:30:15.800 --> 0:30:18.520
<v Speaker 3>I mean, I have, I have failed a million times

0:30:18.960 --> 0:30:22.240
<v Speaker 3>in how I've reacted, and I do think it's okay,

0:30:22.280 --> 0:30:26.440
<v Speaker 3>and I've found this to be a very powerful tool.

0:30:26.760 --> 0:30:29.040
<v Speaker 3>I say I'm sorry a lot. I don't always get

0:30:29.040 --> 0:30:30.920
<v Speaker 3>it right. I don't get it right a lot of times.

0:30:31.560 --> 0:30:34.440
<v Speaker 3>And you know, as parents, I always tell my daughters,

0:30:34.680 --> 0:30:37.959
<v Speaker 3>I don't have a handbook. I don't know, and I'm like,

0:30:38.000 --> 0:30:39.960
<v Speaker 3>you know, talk to your therapist about it.

0:30:40.680 --> 0:30:44.000
<v Speaker 1>I'm kidding, I'm not, but no, I don't. There isn't

0:30:44.200 --> 0:30:45.440
<v Speaker 1>a rule book for any of this.

0:30:45.560 --> 0:30:49.680
<v Speaker 2>We Doug, Doug Dougarder, we are to you. When you

0:30:49.720 --> 0:30:53.000
<v Speaker 2>say I'm sorry, it drives me crazy. Why because i'm

0:30:53.000 --> 0:30:56.040
<v Speaker 2>sorry comes twenty four hours later, and that's great, that's great.

0:30:56.080 --> 0:30:58.720
<v Speaker 2>But I'm always the guy of It's not a matter

0:30:59.040 --> 0:31:02.800
<v Speaker 2>of it's how you react in the moment that makes

0:31:02.840 --> 0:31:05.000
<v Speaker 2>all the difference in the world, because in that moment,

0:31:05.040 --> 0:31:07.280
<v Speaker 2>we have a chance to go this way or this way,

0:31:07.840 --> 0:31:12.160
<v Speaker 2>and if you go that way, I'm out. I'm done. Wow,

0:31:12.320 --> 0:31:15.200
<v Speaker 2>you know I'm done. I'm checked out for the DAB.

0:31:15.240 --> 0:31:16.320
<v Speaker 2>I'm not done done.

0:31:16.920 --> 0:31:20.440
<v Speaker 1>Wow?

0:31:19.720 --> 0:31:22.560
<v Speaker 2>Are you How long are you done for?

0:31:22.720 --> 0:31:23.760
<v Speaker 6>When you say your death?

0:31:25.520 --> 0:31:26.240
<v Speaker 2>It's two days?

0:31:26.320 --> 0:31:29.240
<v Speaker 1>No, it's two days, Jeff, it's two days.

0:31:29.440 --> 0:31:31.800
<v Speaker 2>I know. I admit that, doctor guardia and that's something

0:31:31.880 --> 0:31:34.040
<v Speaker 2>maybe you can't help us with. But I am. I

0:31:34.080 --> 0:31:36.160
<v Speaker 2>am really really bad about this. I don't scream, I

0:31:36.160 --> 0:31:38.280
<v Speaker 2>don't yell, I don't do anything. I don't name call,

0:31:38.360 --> 0:31:42.040
<v Speaker 2>I don't get aggressive and nothing. But I will check

0:31:42.400 --> 0:31:45.960
<v Speaker 2>out and you're gonna have to wait until I get it.

0:31:45.960 --> 0:31:47.280
<v Speaker 2>I don't need you to say I'm sorry. I don't

0:31:47.320 --> 0:31:49.440
<v Speaker 2>need you to help me. I have to work through it,

0:31:49.480 --> 0:31:51.560
<v Speaker 2>and I'm I'm trying to get better at doing it quicker,

0:31:51.560 --> 0:31:52.920
<v Speaker 2>but it hasn't so far.

0:31:53.000 --> 0:31:56.280
<v Speaker 1>Now, well, let's get Jeff's take on this when we

0:31:56.320 --> 0:32:09.240
<v Speaker 1>come back. I can't wait. I am taking notes here.

0:32:09.400 --> 0:32:11.520
<v Speaker 1>Maybe actually, TJ, could you take notes?

0:32:11.680 --> 0:32:14.120
<v Speaker 2>I will do Okay, I'm taking this seriously. We have

0:32:14.160 --> 0:32:16.040
<v Speaker 2>a trained professional here, and this is something that we

0:32:16.080 --> 0:32:17.800
<v Speaker 2>deal with. I know other people deal with as well,

0:32:17.800 --> 0:32:23.480
<v Speaker 2>But how people deal with conflicts arguments in a relationship

0:32:23.560 --> 0:32:27.720
<v Speaker 2>and how to get past them and quickly. Sometimes doctor

0:32:27.720 --> 0:32:31.120
<v Speaker 2>Gardier is what seems like should be the motivation, But

0:32:31.160 --> 0:32:33.200
<v Speaker 2>should that be should that be a goal to get

0:32:33.240 --> 0:32:35.080
<v Speaker 2>over it as quickly as possible.

0:32:35.880 --> 0:32:38.200
<v Speaker 5>I think the goal really should be to learn as

0:32:38.360 --> 0:32:41.560
<v Speaker 5>much as possible, and if you could learn as much

0:32:41.600 --> 0:32:44.360
<v Speaker 5>as possible, that'll help you. Amy said something that I

0:32:44.400 --> 0:32:46.880
<v Speaker 5>really like, those two words that we also don't hear

0:32:47.120 --> 0:32:51.400
<v Speaker 5>enough in relationships or in the world. I'm sorry. And

0:32:51.480 --> 0:32:55.560
<v Speaker 5>when you're saying I'm sorry, it's showing empathy and giving validation,

0:32:56.000 --> 0:33:01.760
<v Speaker 5>but it's also taking responsibility as a partners, as a

0:33:01.760 --> 0:33:05.080
<v Speaker 5>as a parent, saying yeah, maybe I could have done better.

0:33:05.440 --> 0:33:08.440
<v Speaker 5>I don't quite understand why you're so angry at me,

0:33:08.760 --> 0:33:11.320
<v Speaker 5>but I'm sure there's something that I could have done,

0:33:11.600 --> 0:33:15.120
<v Speaker 5>and I'm going to work on taking more responsibility with that.

0:33:16.160 --> 0:33:17.040
<v Speaker 2>Moving on to TJ.

0:33:17.120 --> 0:33:20.600
<v Speaker 3>Now, yes, and two days I think I think it

0:33:20.680 --> 0:33:22.160
<v Speaker 3>went on to TJ right there.

0:33:22.240 --> 0:33:26.120
<v Speaker 6>I think TJ heard something there. So this so this thing.

0:33:26.000 --> 0:33:29.440
<v Speaker 5>TJ of you know very quickly, it takes you a

0:33:29.520 --> 0:33:32.520
<v Speaker 5>day or two to work out your thing. And I'm

0:33:32.600 --> 0:33:37.880
<v Speaker 5>saying this to you with all due respect. Sometimes it

0:33:37.880 --> 0:33:40.600
<v Speaker 5>can be a little bit selfish when we need to

0:33:40.720 --> 0:33:43.560
<v Speaker 5>take that day or two to work it out, and

0:33:43.600 --> 0:33:47.520
<v Speaker 5>our partner is left trying to figure out what's going on.

0:33:48.120 --> 0:33:50.080
<v Speaker 5>So one of the things that you can do, which

0:33:50.160 --> 0:33:52.840
<v Speaker 5>maybe you are doing, is in that one or two

0:33:52.960 --> 0:33:56.200
<v Speaker 5>days that you take, you know, to get yourself together,

0:33:56.560 --> 0:34:01.840
<v Speaker 5>to reregulate, get your hormonal system working and balanced again,

0:34:01.960 --> 0:34:04.960
<v Speaker 5>so you can deal in a positive way in the relationship.

0:34:05.320 --> 0:34:11.600
<v Speaker 5>Is checking in yes, I'm working on this, Yes I'm okay, Yes,

0:34:12.040 --> 0:34:14.840
<v Speaker 5>how are you doing while I work it out? Those

0:34:14.880 --> 0:34:18.680
<v Speaker 5>sorts of things allow you to have the space to

0:34:18.800 --> 0:34:19.960
<v Speaker 5>really pull it together.

0:34:20.320 --> 0:34:23.359
<v Speaker 2>Okay, And I heard hormonal. So you're saying it's not

0:34:23.360 --> 0:34:27.279
<v Speaker 2>my fault, I have a chemical imbalance.

0:34:27.160 --> 0:34:29.400
<v Speaker 6>Well, listen, I mean this is all about the brain.

0:34:29.480 --> 0:34:31.560
<v Speaker 5>One of the things we know is you can't separate,

0:34:32.000 --> 0:34:36.480
<v Speaker 5>you know, spiritual from psychological from the brain. You know,

0:34:36.600 --> 0:34:38.680
<v Speaker 5>a lot of the things that happen when we go

0:34:38.719 --> 0:34:44.080
<v Speaker 5>into conflict also affects our brain, our dopamine, our neurotransmitters.

0:34:44.400 --> 0:34:47.600
<v Speaker 5>So when we go into fight or flight, it becomes

0:34:47.640 --> 0:34:51.399
<v Speaker 5>a very chemical thing where either we stay and work

0:34:51.440 --> 0:34:56.000
<v Speaker 5>it out, or we run away, or we freeze. And

0:34:56.080 --> 0:34:59.680
<v Speaker 5>so when we reregulate our brains. When we calm down,

0:35:00.080 --> 0:35:02.640
<v Speaker 5>then it allows us to see things with a more

0:35:02.760 --> 0:35:07.400
<v Speaker 5>rational mind versus with the more emotional mind.

0:35:07.520 --> 0:35:11.799
<v Speaker 3>I mean, honestly, I would rather have him yell at

0:35:11.800 --> 0:35:13.960
<v Speaker 3>me than freeze me out for two days.

0:35:14.040 --> 0:35:16.040
<v Speaker 1>I'm just I'm spiral.

0:35:16.080 --> 0:35:18.759
<v Speaker 3>I'm like, I don't know what to say, what to do,

0:35:18.840 --> 0:35:22.560
<v Speaker 3>what he thinks some we've tried this before it gets

0:35:22.600 --> 0:35:25.200
<v Speaker 3>to that place, and we've only had a couple doozies

0:35:25.200 --> 0:35:28.920
<v Speaker 3>where this has happened. But we tried playfully at a

0:35:29.280 --> 0:35:33.360
<v Speaker 3>better point to have a safe word when someone starts

0:35:33.400 --> 0:35:36.000
<v Speaker 3>doing something or saying something that you know could potentially

0:35:36.040 --> 0:35:37.640
<v Speaker 3>take our relationship off the rails.

0:35:38.280 --> 0:35:39.080
<v Speaker 1>We say, what.

0:35:41.000 --> 0:35:45.680
<v Speaker 2>Dan Steely? And the reason is that's our safe for it.

0:35:45.800 --> 0:35:46.839
<v Speaker 6>But what is that word?

0:35:47.000 --> 0:35:50.319
<v Speaker 2>It's is Dan Steely, but it's something that makes us

0:35:50.440 --> 0:35:52.239
<v Speaker 2>laugh because the band is Steely.

0:35:52.040 --> 0:35:55.240
<v Speaker 3>Dan, right, and TJ had never heard of the band,

0:35:55.280 --> 0:35:57.439
<v Speaker 3>and when he was trying to recall it later, he goes,

0:35:57.440 --> 0:36:01.839
<v Speaker 3>what's that band called Dan Steely? And I died laughing, No,

0:36:01.920 --> 0:36:04.200
<v Speaker 3>it's Steely Dan. But then we decided because it made

0:36:04.280 --> 0:36:06.960
<v Speaker 3>us laugh, yes, why not have that be our safe

0:36:07.000 --> 0:36:08.120
<v Speaker 3>I guess it's a safe phrase.

0:36:08.200 --> 0:36:09.320
<v Speaker 1>It's not a safe word.

0:36:09.480 --> 0:36:10.840
<v Speaker 2>That has a different connotation.

0:36:11.239 --> 0:36:14.560
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I know, I know it's safe phrase. All right.

0:36:15.239 --> 0:36:17.399
<v Speaker 3>What do you think about that concept? I think it's

0:36:17.400 --> 0:36:18.360
<v Speaker 3>helped a couple of times.

0:36:19.040 --> 0:36:19.399
<v Speaker 6>I think.

0:36:19.480 --> 0:36:21.560
<v Speaker 5>I think when you have a safe word that really

0:36:21.640 --> 0:36:25.040
<v Speaker 5>does say let's take the time out and we trust

0:36:25.080 --> 0:36:29.319
<v Speaker 5>one another because we agree on that safe word. So

0:36:29.520 --> 0:36:33.320
<v Speaker 5>if we're talking about Dan Steely, then we can say,

0:36:34.040 --> 0:36:37.839
<v Speaker 5>you know what, Amy, I will come back to you.

0:36:38.000 --> 0:36:41.880
<v Speaker 5>Oh he knows, of course, I know Steely, Dan, Come on.

0:36:42.280 --> 0:36:43.840
<v Speaker 2>What song is that I'm sorry?

0:36:44.080 --> 0:36:46.400
<v Speaker 1>Come back to it is?

0:36:46.640 --> 0:36:48.719
<v Speaker 6>Peg guy will come back to you?

0:36:49.200 --> 0:36:53.600
<v Speaker 2>Right wow? Yeah, y'all got me on this one in

0:36:53.640 --> 0:36:54.920
<v Speaker 2>our last few moments here.

0:36:55.600 --> 0:36:57.759
<v Speaker 5>But I gotta ask you, I gotta I gotta ask

0:36:57.760 --> 0:37:00.759
<v Speaker 5>you this TJ very quick. So when you take that

0:37:01.320 --> 0:37:07.360
<v Speaker 5>day or two away from Amy, it's a way for

0:37:07.480 --> 0:37:11.520
<v Speaker 5>you to reregulate, to work through things so you can

0:37:11.560 --> 0:37:16.759
<v Speaker 5>be your better self. But are you aware that that's

0:37:16.760 --> 0:37:20.520
<v Speaker 5>also pretty painful for her because it's easy for her

0:37:20.560 --> 0:37:25.600
<v Speaker 5>to interpret that as he is also being very passive aggressive.

0:37:25.960 --> 0:37:30.120
<v Speaker 5>Not only is he healing, but he's also denying me

0:37:30.920 --> 0:37:36.000
<v Speaker 5>his presence that I really need in my time of pain.

0:37:36.520 --> 0:37:39.800
<v Speaker 5>So might be something you might want to consider, because

0:37:39.840 --> 0:37:43.080
<v Speaker 5>we do it all the time, not thinking about perhaps

0:37:43.120 --> 0:37:46.399
<v Speaker 5>what the other person might be feeling at that time.

0:37:46.960 --> 0:37:48.840
<v Speaker 2>We had plenty of time for the question. But the

0:37:48.880 --> 0:37:53.000
<v Speaker 2>answer is complex. I will tell you I have a

0:37:53.120 --> 0:37:56.359
<v Speaker 2>very bad habit. I don't let a lot of people in.

0:37:56.840 --> 0:38:00.160
<v Speaker 2>And there are people in my life that I have well,

0:38:00.160 --> 0:38:02.760
<v Speaker 2>you know, maybe just friends or colleagues or something. You

0:38:02.760 --> 0:38:05.920
<v Speaker 2>you you burn me one time. You do one time,

0:38:06.200 --> 0:38:08.480
<v Speaker 2>and I'm done with you, and I will shut people

0:38:08.480 --> 0:38:10.759
<v Speaker 2>out and I'm not very forgiving. That is true. But

0:38:10.800 --> 0:38:12.600
<v Speaker 2>if I have somebody in my life like this, that's

0:38:12.880 --> 0:38:17.040
<v Speaker 2>this close to me, that is the the the person

0:38:17.080 --> 0:38:19.880
<v Speaker 2>who brought the pain that I'm feeling. This person is

0:38:19.960 --> 0:38:21.880
<v Speaker 2>not going to leave my life. I get that, but

0:38:22.000 --> 0:38:25.480
<v Speaker 2>I am still dealing with that thing and grappling with

0:38:26.080 --> 0:38:31.040
<v Speaker 2>being hurt so so, so bad, and then trying to

0:38:31.080 --> 0:38:34.279
<v Speaker 2>go back and give love or receive love from that

0:38:34.360 --> 0:38:37.920
<v Speaker 2>person that pain me. I know, that's what everything you

0:38:37.960 --> 0:38:40.520
<v Speaker 2>said I agree with one hundred percent, but that is

0:38:40.920 --> 0:38:43.800
<v Speaker 2>oftentimes what's happening with me, and I'm not again. I

0:38:44.360 --> 0:38:46.240
<v Speaker 2>don't go away for two days. We don't just stop

0:38:46.280 --> 0:38:49.880
<v Speaker 2>talking for two days. But it's not the same. It's different.

0:38:49.920 --> 0:38:52.600
<v Speaker 2>I am a very warm and loving and person and

0:38:52.640 --> 0:38:55.120
<v Speaker 2>when that goes away, I'm sure that doesn't feel good.

0:38:55.680 --> 0:38:56.520
<v Speaker 1>Oh it's awful.

0:38:56.800 --> 0:38:57.920
<v Speaker 2>Sorry, so awful.

0:38:58.000 --> 0:39:01.120
<v Speaker 6>Sorry, And I think I think what might add.

0:39:01.160 --> 0:39:04.680
<v Speaker 5>But thank you for saying I'm sorry, you know, because

0:39:04.680 --> 0:39:07.880
<v Speaker 5>that those words are very important, and you're really listening

0:39:08.040 --> 0:39:10.600
<v Speaker 5>as to what it is you know that Amy needs

0:39:10.600 --> 0:39:13.200
<v Speaker 5>as she listens as to what it is that you need.

0:39:13.360 --> 0:39:15.799
<v Speaker 5>You need some of that space sometimes. But I want

0:39:15.800 --> 0:39:19.760
<v Speaker 5>the two of you to consider that, you know, everyone

0:39:19.840 --> 0:39:24.960
<v Speaker 5>has been through something, you know, really really soul shaking

0:39:25.000 --> 0:39:28.399
<v Speaker 5>in their lives. You know you've been You've all been

0:39:28.480 --> 0:39:31.640
<v Speaker 5>through things. Other couples have been through things, and so on.

0:39:32.040 --> 0:39:36.279
<v Speaker 5>We know this is a very complex matter, but just

0:39:36.440 --> 0:39:39.280
<v Speaker 5>focusing on the two of you in the here and now,

0:39:40.000 --> 0:39:47.960
<v Speaker 5>consider that even though you have this extremely strong love

0:39:49.680 --> 0:39:54.400
<v Speaker 5>and are united in this way, that you're.

0:39:54.239 --> 0:39:56.440
<v Speaker 6>Still hurting very much.

0:39:57.160 --> 0:40:01.960
<v Speaker 5>You know, you both smile, you both, you know, appear

0:40:02.080 --> 0:40:06.319
<v Speaker 5>to the cameras, you both do your professional gigs, you

0:40:06.440 --> 0:40:11.200
<v Speaker 5>both take care of your families, your combined families, but

0:40:11.239 --> 0:40:16.040
<v Speaker 5>the two of you are still still in emotional pain

0:40:16.440 --> 0:40:19.719
<v Speaker 5>and you're getting stronger every day, but being in that

0:40:19.840 --> 0:40:24.760
<v Speaker 5>pain may make things even much more, put you both

0:40:24.880 --> 0:40:28.360
<v Speaker 5>in a more vulnerable place when you're dealing with issues

0:40:28.960 --> 0:40:30.480
<v Speaker 5>amongst one another.

0:40:30.520 --> 0:40:32.120
<v Speaker 6>Really actually having one another.

0:40:32.360 --> 0:40:35.040
<v Speaker 1>But yeah, that's really powerful. Thank you, Jeff.

0:40:35.040 --> 0:40:38.400
<v Speaker 3>And I think anyone out there, you know, our situation

0:40:38.560 --> 0:40:42.080
<v Speaker 3>isn't unique. It's just unique in that it's been blasted

0:40:42.120 --> 0:40:45.440
<v Speaker 3>everywhere and put in a very public space. But I

0:40:45.440 --> 0:40:49.759
<v Speaker 3>think so many people can relate to those types of issues.

0:40:49.800 --> 0:40:52.680
<v Speaker 3>When you have painful periods in your life, you tend

0:40:52.760 --> 0:40:56.560
<v Speaker 3>to take it out, or feel that emotional stress, you

0:40:56.600 --> 0:40:58.360
<v Speaker 3>put it onto the person you love the most.

0:40:58.800 --> 0:41:02.000
<v Speaker 5>I think that, well, let's not sugarcoat it's been life

0:41:02.120 --> 0:41:04.759
<v Speaker 5>changing for the two of you, what the two of

0:41:04.800 --> 0:41:08.240
<v Speaker 5>you have gone through. But what's really important, there's something

0:41:08.320 --> 0:41:12.560
<v Speaker 5>called post traumatic growth. We've all heard of post traumatic

0:41:12.560 --> 0:41:16.520
<v Speaker 5>stress disorder, where a trauma happens and then you know,

0:41:16.560 --> 0:41:20.960
<v Speaker 5>we go through anxiety and depression and you know, flashbacks

0:41:20.960 --> 0:41:25.960
<v Speaker 5>and nightmares and conflicts and so on. But post traumatic

0:41:26.080 --> 0:41:31.560
<v Speaker 5>growth is about going from being a victim to a

0:41:31.640 --> 0:41:35.960
<v Speaker 5>survivor to then being a victor. And I think we

0:41:36.120 --> 0:41:41.560
<v Speaker 5>talked about this, you know, way back when where when

0:41:41.600 --> 0:41:45.319
<v Speaker 5>you go down that rabbit hole and come out of it,

0:41:45.719 --> 0:41:50.279
<v Speaker 5>you are stronger than you ever went in. And hopefully

0:41:50.760 --> 0:41:53.319
<v Speaker 5>that is the promise of the two of you to

0:41:53.360 --> 0:41:56.879
<v Speaker 5>one another and to your children and to your families,

0:41:57.200 --> 0:42:00.960
<v Speaker 5>that you really do become beacons on how to work

0:42:01.000 --> 0:42:06.680
<v Speaker 5>through some of the hardest issues, relationship issues that anyone

0:42:06.760 --> 0:42:07.680
<v Speaker 5>really can face.

0:42:10.080 --> 0:42:12.760
<v Speaker 2>Well, we didn't expect this necessarily to turn into a

0:42:12.840 --> 0:42:16.759
<v Speaker 2>relationship counseling session, but it did for us great and

0:42:16.840 --> 0:42:18.720
<v Speaker 2>for a lot of folks, because a lot of people

0:42:18.800 --> 0:42:23.359
<v Speaker 2>can absolutely use the advice you just gave. And look,

0:42:23.400 --> 0:42:26.160
<v Speaker 2>we appreciate it because how much of the relationship counselor

0:42:26.200 --> 0:42:28.680
<v Speaker 2>here in New York, Wow, at least three three hundred.

0:42:28.680 --> 0:42:30.000
<v Speaker 2>But all we got to do is buy him a lunch.

0:42:29.880 --> 0:42:32.120
<v Speaker 1>When Jeff, thank you.

0:42:32.320 --> 0:42:35.839
<v Speaker 3>There go, thank you so much. We truly appreciate your

0:42:36.040 --> 0:42:37.200
<v Speaker 3>incredible words of wisdom.

0:42:37.960 --> 0:42:39.319
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, thank you, Thank you.

0:42:39.360 --> 0:42:42.560
<v Speaker 5>And for folks, as you're getting through the holidays and

0:42:42.880 --> 0:42:47.120
<v Speaker 5>you're approaching the New year's now, please remember don't be

0:42:47.239 --> 0:42:51.319
<v Speaker 5>so hard on yourself, don't pretend, don't feel that you

0:42:51.440 --> 0:42:54.719
<v Speaker 5>have to be everywhere and do everything. Now is the

0:42:54.800 --> 0:42:59.879
<v Speaker 5>time to take care of yourself, especially if you need love,

0:43:00.280 --> 0:43:04.240
<v Speaker 5>especially if you need the care of your own soul

0:43:04.760 --> 0:43:07.560
<v Speaker 5>so that you can eventually be there for others, but

0:43:07.600 --> 0:43:09.440
<v Speaker 5>you have to be there for yourself first.

0:43:10.040 --> 0:43:13.319
<v Speaker 1>Wow, that's a perfect way to end. Jeff, thank you

0:43:13.480 --> 0:43:17.759
<v Speaker 1>so much. We love you, and we'll talk soon, really soon.

0:43:17.800 --> 0:43:20.480
<v Speaker 2>Actually, yes, and everybody, thank you so much for listening.

0:43:20.800 --> 0:43:21.440
<v Speaker 2>I'm TJ.

0:43:21.920 --> 0:43:22.560
<v Speaker 1>I'm Amy.

0:43:22.719 --> 0:43:25.399
<v Speaker 2>You can catch us, of course on Instagram you can

0:43:25.400 --> 0:43:27.960
<v Speaker 2>find us, but also you can follow our show at

0:43:28.040 --> 0:43:44.239
<v Speaker 2>Amy and TJ Podcast on Instagram.