1 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:06,280 Speaker 1: Welcome back everyone. 2 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:09,440 Speaker 2: This is Amy, this is TJ. And this is Amy 3 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:11,559 Speaker 2: and TJ. Good to have more here. Thank you always 4 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:15,720 Speaker 2: as always for listening. How are you today? 5 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:18,239 Speaker 3: I mean, it's a big day because it's the day 6 00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:24,799 Speaker 3: after Christmas, and yet you're so festive with your tea. 7 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:29,480 Speaker 2: Yes, it's eggnogging. Everybody's giving me a hard time. I'm 8 00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:31,440 Speaker 2: drinking tea, right, I'm a tea drink. Everybody knows and 9 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:33,560 Speaker 2: this is this was a bad choice. 10 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:37,120 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's smelling up the room, eggnog all over the place. 11 00:00:37,159 --> 00:00:40,040 Speaker 2: It's an eggnog and flavor. But our producer here with us, 12 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:43,040 Speaker 2: Andy said, said what he told us about this tea. 13 00:00:43,159 --> 00:00:46,440 Speaker 2: He thought, like nobody drinks that it was given to us. 14 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,280 Speaker 1: And yet here you go. You're just trying to keep 15 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:50,360 Speaker 1: the Christmas spirit alive. 16 00:00:50,479 --> 00:00:51,000 Speaker 2: I know you. 17 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,479 Speaker 1: You don't want to let go of Christmas. 18 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:52,960 Speaker 2: It's over. 19 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:54,240 Speaker 1: It's a little eggnog tea. 20 00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:57,400 Speaker 2: Christmas spirit is So it's the twenty six, yeah, y'all. 21 00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:01,840 Speaker 2: And look in a recent episode, actually asked us, and 22 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:03,680 Speaker 2: this picks up on this point about the twenty six, 23 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:08,600 Speaker 2: asked us if we were seeing a marriage counselor excuse 24 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:11,679 Speaker 2: meship or relationship if we were open to doing so. 25 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:19,679 Speaker 4: You believe that still, you know what, the holidays are 26 00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:24,800 Speaker 4: stressful and it stresses us individually, and I definitely believe 27 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:28,399 Speaker 4: it puts a lot of relationships on edge. 28 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,760 Speaker 2: We are not immune. We were doing this walking into 29 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:34,200 Speaker 2: the studio today and we were talking about something completely random, 30 00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:36,360 Speaker 2: and I just turned and looked at I said, do 31 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,600 Speaker 2: you think the holidays are having an or have had 32 00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:42,400 Speaker 2: an impact on us? And I would have to There 33 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:44,080 Speaker 2: was some stuff going on with us in the past 34 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:47,000 Speaker 2: couple of days that I'm not used to seeing, and 35 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,960 Speaker 2: it's a little stressful. And look, you said you've had 36 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:53,160 Speaker 2: therapists in the past. We do not have a couple's 37 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:58,240 Speaker 2: counselor we didn't believe that we needed one. We might 38 00:01:58,280 --> 00:01:59,240 Speaker 2: have spoken too soon. 39 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:02,240 Speaker 3: Yeah, we had, we had a We have at least 40 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:04,080 Speaker 3: I would say we definitely have a moment a week. 41 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:08,839 Speaker 1: Probably call them hiccups, okay, disagreement. Some of them are 42 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:10,640 Speaker 1: bigger than others. 43 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:14,960 Speaker 2: See okay, I would disagree with that. See well, I 44 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,880 Speaker 2: don't think we have made I don't think we have 45 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:19,160 Speaker 2: major I wouldn't call it a major hookup. Hiccup a 46 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:21,720 Speaker 2: week certainly not a fight or argument, disagreement. 47 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:24,520 Speaker 1: A hiccup did a little small like a little tiny hiccup. 48 00:02:24,639 --> 00:02:29,120 Speaker 2: Okay, Well, since we made that very bold declaration that 49 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:34,680 Speaker 2: we do not need a couple's counselor, we will tell 50 00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:37,960 Speaker 2: you all that there has been one night that Robick 51 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:43,359 Speaker 2: and I spent a part that can specifically be blamed 52 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:46,800 Speaker 2: and attributed to a fight. That we had a fight, 53 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:50,760 Speaker 2: a disagreement and argument, a tiff of of what a 54 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:52,240 Speaker 2: lover's quarrel? What would you call it? 55 00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:55,960 Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean yes, And we needed space from each 56 00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:59,360 Speaker 3: other and I think it did us good. 57 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:01,080 Speaker 1: Space is good sometimes. 58 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:02,840 Speaker 2: Okay, Now this was and a lot of people can 59 00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:06,680 Speaker 2: relate to this. It was something small. It was so small, 60 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:09,680 Speaker 2: and it started creeping up. We let it fester. 61 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:13,400 Speaker 3: Exactly what it was well for me what sent me 62 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:15,480 Speaker 3: over the edge. And we've had this conversation so many 63 00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:16,200 Speaker 3: times about. 64 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:16,639 Speaker 1: Your sleeping hat. 65 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:21,480 Speaker 3: I'm so nervous, okay, And you like to stay on 66 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:24,040 Speaker 3: the couch, you like to not go to bed, you'd 67 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:26,359 Speaker 3: like to stay up. You started to like make a 68 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:30,120 Speaker 3: meal at midnight, and I just was frustrated. I was like, 69 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,240 Speaker 3: can we please just go to bed? It had been 70 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:35,720 Speaker 3: a long day. We had a lot of obligations work 71 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:42,040 Speaker 3: and fun, but fun obligations aren't that fun sometimes and 72 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:43,200 Speaker 3: we were tired. 73 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:44,720 Speaker 2: And okay, we were emotionally exhausted. 74 00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:45,080 Speaker 3: It was done. 75 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:47,000 Speaker 2: There was some pride, there was some ego, there was 76 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:47,640 Speaker 2: some alcohol. 77 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:51,320 Speaker 4: I was done at the end of the night. 78 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:55,440 Speaker 2: Yeah, but tell it. We literally spent a night apart 79 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:56,920 Speaker 2: because of a fighting cat. 80 00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:57,320 Speaker 3: Yep. 81 00:03:57,480 --> 00:03:59,040 Speaker 1: I think a lot of couples can relate to that. 82 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:02,640 Speaker 3: I mean, we separate apartments, so it's it's kind of 83 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:06,920 Speaker 3: nice actually have space. You know, in New York City apartments, 84 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:08,440 Speaker 3: you don't have other bedrooms a lot of times, so 85 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:09,440 Speaker 3: you're stuck with each other. 86 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:11,640 Speaker 1: I mean, I guess there's always the couch, which is one. 87 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:14,680 Speaker 2: Of your favorites, and I know you hate that just 88 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:17,400 Speaker 2: and you would prefer that I leave than to sleep 89 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:18,719 Speaker 2: on a couch. 90 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:22,120 Speaker 1: I just I'd rather you come into bed. That would 91 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:22,880 Speaker 1: be the optimum. 92 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:27,000 Speaker 3: Anyway, So as we now relive this, we're now acknowledging 93 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:29,960 Speaker 3: and I think a lot of a lot of couples, 94 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:33,039 Speaker 3: a lot of individuals have all dealt with holidays. For us, 95 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:37,120 Speaker 3: how it affects you and your relationships, your family, your children. 96 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:39,760 Speaker 2: We're not at our best, okay, And this happened for 97 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:43,080 Speaker 2: us smack dab in the middle of what this hectic 98 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:47,440 Speaker 2: holiday season. We got really folks family. This happened where 99 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:49,960 Speaker 2: we got family coming in town the next day. We 100 00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:54,159 Speaker 2: have family obligations and outings and events and social events. 101 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:58,320 Speaker 2: And not only that, this happened the night before, we 102 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:02,000 Speaker 2: had to come into studio and work together. So I 103 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:04,359 Speaker 2: can't even get away from it. Some people can let me, 104 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,080 Speaker 2: let me go to work, and I can at least 105 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:09,160 Speaker 2: get away from you to work. That she is. 106 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:12,159 Speaker 1: Still coming to work together. 107 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:17,279 Speaker 2: Yeah, you take a different train, No, take the same train. 108 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:20,080 Speaker 2: But here we are. We are in the studio. But 109 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:22,400 Speaker 2: look what, I'm embarrassed. And I don't think I admitted 110 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,320 Speaker 2: this to you, but I was embarrassed after the fight 111 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:27,400 Speaker 2: that my first thought wasn't that I need to make 112 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:30,520 Speaker 2: sure she's okay and we're okay and let me apologize, 113 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:33,839 Speaker 2: or my first thought, and it's embarrassing to say, was well, 114 00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:35,920 Speaker 2: we got to make sure we're all right because families 115 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:37,240 Speaker 2: come into town and we got to put on a 116 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:40,240 Speaker 2: good face. We are gold to go into the studio together, 117 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:43,400 Speaker 2: so we have to make sure we are upbeat and 118 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:45,599 Speaker 2: make sure we don't lead on that anything's wrong. That 119 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:48,200 Speaker 2: was one of my first thoughts. I am embarrassed that 120 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:48,719 Speaker 2: that was the case. 121 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:52,960 Speaker 3: We talked about this, that so much of what led 122 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:57,360 Speaker 3: us to this moment in our lives is finally getting 123 00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,479 Speaker 3: to a place where we can start living our truth. 124 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:03,560 Speaker 3: And I say, I know so many of us pretend 125 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:06,680 Speaker 3: we're good, pretend we're happy, not just for other people 126 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,920 Speaker 3: so that they think we're good, but we're actually pretending 127 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:12,440 Speaker 3: to ourselves. And so I think by being open and 128 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:15,800 Speaker 3: being honest and acknowledging the tough times, the tough moments, 129 00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:19,839 Speaker 3: the frustrations, and really having the conversation and not sweeping 130 00:06:19,839 --> 00:06:23,320 Speaker 3: it under the rug or pretending all is okay, that 131 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:27,680 Speaker 3: is a part of healing and living a much better 132 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:31,520 Speaker 3: life ultimately because you're living your truth. 133 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,160 Speaker 1: It's so much harder than it seems. 134 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:33,760 Speaker 5: Well. 135 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:36,080 Speaker 2: We have talked about this now, and given what we've 136 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:38,320 Speaker 2: gone through the past year, a lot of what's happened 137 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,960 Speaker 2: since they've gone through, it sounds like we were suffering 138 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:44,360 Speaker 2: and greatly. And I know it's hard to do comparative suffering, 139 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:46,800 Speaker 2: but for what we did experience, it. 140 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:47,599 Speaker 1: Was a tough year. 141 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:51,560 Speaker 2: It was a tough year, but authenticity is what we 142 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:53,840 Speaker 2: got out of it. So we go through our a 143 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:55,960 Speaker 2: lot a lot of people ending the year and you, 144 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:58,159 Speaker 2: it's hard to even go back. It's been twelve months 145 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:00,760 Speaker 2: and we think so often about what happened to us, 146 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:02,719 Speaker 2: but so much has happened for a lot of people 147 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:04,360 Speaker 2: over the past year, and we have to go back. 148 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:07,240 Speaker 2: And you and I starting the year twenty twenty three, 149 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,760 Speaker 2: we lost somebody the two of us who was a dear, 150 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:13,000 Speaker 2: dear friend of ours and who was someone who was 151 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:16,240 Speaker 2: so special to us and helped us through some of 152 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:20,600 Speaker 2: the darkest times and who was our absolute guardian angel. 153 00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:24,160 Speaker 2: And as soon as we resolve things with where we 154 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:25,760 Speaker 2: used to work and it was done, and now here 155 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:28,160 Speaker 2: we are coming out of it after a full year, 156 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:31,200 Speaker 2: and he's not here to actually be here and not 157 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:33,760 Speaker 2: just support us, but share I would be very proud 158 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:36,120 Speaker 2: to share this with him. And we lost him at 159 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:37,000 Speaker 2: the beginning of the year. 160 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:40,280 Speaker 3: Howard Brack And he is and was the most incredible 161 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:43,400 Speaker 3: crisis manager. And my god, I don't think a week 162 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:45,840 Speaker 3: has gone by where we haven't said what would Howard say? 163 00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:49,280 Speaker 3: Would Howard tell us to do Howard guide us, and 164 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:50,880 Speaker 3: so I'm I like to think he's with us, and 165 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:53,480 Speaker 3: he's watching and he's smiling, and that's an important part 166 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:55,400 Speaker 3: of it. But it's also I think so many people 167 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:58,360 Speaker 3: can take this time and these holidays. They're not always 168 00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:02,680 Speaker 3: joyful and have for everyone. People lose people dearly, They've 169 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:06,080 Speaker 3: had tough times, and these are the days and weeks 170 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,760 Speaker 3: where you're reminded of it more than any other time, perhaps. 171 00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:11,760 Speaker 3: And I lost my grandma this year. She was my 172 00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:12,600 Speaker 3: last grandparent. 173 00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:15,760 Speaker 1: I know, at my age it was amazing to have 174 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:17,720 Speaker 1: had my grandparents for as long as I did. 175 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:21,680 Speaker 3: But Grandma Dorothy Roebach passed at the age of ninety one. 176 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:24,200 Speaker 1: And one of one of the. 177 00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:27,120 Speaker 3: Quotes, well, this was the quote, the EPI quote, And 178 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:30,240 Speaker 3: I'd take this with me everywhere, because you know, she 179 00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:33,920 Speaker 3: used to watch every day and loved watching us on TV. 180 00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:36,120 Speaker 3: So my dad had to explain to her what happened 181 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:39,160 Speaker 3: and why I wasn't on television anymore. I get emotional 182 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:41,640 Speaker 3: because I was worried about what she would say and 183 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:42,360 Speaker 3: what she would think. 184 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,720 Speaker 1: And my dad called me and said, you want to 185 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:46,800 Speaker 1: hear what grandma had to say? 186 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:50,040 Speaker 3: This is probably just like maybe two months before she died, 187 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:53,280 Speaker 3: she said, tell Amy, these things happened. 188 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:56,520 Speaker 2: That's someone who's lived. 189 00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:59,240 Speaker 1: I was just floored. 190 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:00,959 Speaker 3: And so now we like to look at each other 191 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:04,640 Speaker 3: when things hit the fan and we just say, eh, 192 00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:05,559 Speaker 3: these things happen. 193 00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:07,199 Speaker 1: So thank you, Grandma. 194 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:11,200 Speaker 3: That was an amazing quote to end a beautiful life 195 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,679 Speaker 3: with that we will continue to use and think of 196 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:14,720 Speaker 3: you often. 197 00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:18,520 Speaker 2: But really, for your family is having a first Christmas 198 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:21,679 Speaker 2: without this person who's been in you all's life for 199 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:23,839 Speaker 2: so long. A lot of people are experiencing that a 200 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:26,280 Speaker 2: lot of people are having and experiencing health issues. We 201 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:29,120 Speaker 2: haven't talked about this, but not too long ago, we 202 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:34,200 Speaker 2: found ourselves in NYU Hospital for I think it's fair 203 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:37,800 Speaker 2: to call an urgent exam. Your doctor saw some previous 204 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,960 Speaker 2: results and say you need to get your butt into 205 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:43,760 Speaker 2: the doctor's office immediately and we need to run these tests. 206 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:46,000 Speaker 2: And then after that we had to We were there 207 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,240 Speaker 2: and we left and had to just wait by the 208 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:52,160 Speaker 2: phone for a call that was essentially a life or 209 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:53,640 Speaker 2: death call in a lot of ways. 210 00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:55,800 Speaker 3: And anyone who has had cancer knows when you have 211 00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,800 Speaker 3: a scare of a potential recurrence or another new cancer. 212 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,960 Speaker 3: You're going in for a test, and it's not just 213 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,520 Speaker 3: any test. It's a test where you feel like you're 214 00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:05,080 Speaker 3: going to get a thumbs up or a thumbs down. 215 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:07,679 Speaker 3: It can be that dramatic. And so yes, waiting for 216 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:10,720 Speaker 3: those test res offs for twenty four hours was unnerving 217 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:13,320 Speaker 3: to say the least, but it was positive and meaning 218 00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:16,520 Speaker 3: that it was positive news and it was not anything 219 00:10:16,559 --> 00:10:18,840 Speaker 3: to be concerned about. But yeah, you get those moments 220 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,320 Speaker 3: and all of a sudden your life flashes in front 221 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:21,840 Speaker 3: of you again. 222 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:23,800 Speaker 2: And then here we are, two of us sitting here 223 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:27,079 Speaker 2: this year as well, finalized divorces. Yeah, this year as well. 224 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,720 Speaker 2: Not long ago, there was a move into a new apartment. 225 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:33,840 Speaker 2: We launched this new venture here with iHeart been working 226 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:36,280 Speaker 2: on this for the past six months plus all that 227 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:38,160 Speaker 2: stuff going on behind the scenes. Folks didn't know a 228 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:40,000 Speaker 2: lot of that work going though. That was a huge transition, 229 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,280 Speaker 2: and at the same time we were trying to get 230 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:43,559 Speaker 2: our kids adjusted to new realities of family. We've got 231 00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:45,800 Speaker 2: to figure out the holidays, who goes where when and 232 00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:48,000 Speaker 2: what time, and who goes in the morning and who 233 00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:50,400 Speaker 2: comes over in the evening. And so with all of 234 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:52,760 Speaker 2: that that we went through in the year and you 235 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:55,920 Speaker 2: all a lot of you had similar stories or experiences. 236 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:59,320 Speaker 2: So after we went through all that and talked about it, 237 00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:01,560 Speaker 2: it turns out we do need a relationship counselor. 238 00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:05,240 Speaker 3: Yeah, and it turns out we decided what better place 239 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:07,560 Speaker 3: to talk about all of this than right here on 240 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:11,520 Speaker 3: our podcast so that you all can ride along with 241 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,640 Speaker 3: us and maybe write a few things down. Because we 242 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:16,880 Speaker 3: have someone who we have loved and known for decades. 243 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:20,080 Speaker 2: Now. Yeah, we invited him to be here. We invited 244 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:22,800 Speaker 2: him before we had the fight, so he didn't know 245 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:24,040 Speaker 2: he was going to come on and have to be 246 00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:27,280 Speaker 2: our relationship counselor. But hey, here we are. But he 247 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:31,199 Speaker 2: is absolutely someone we just adore in one of our 248 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:35,200 Speaker 2: favorite people we have ever interviewed in our careers. It's 249 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,000 Speaker 2: our pleasure to welcome author, professor, minister TV host, an 250 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:40,280 Speaker 2: expert in the field of mental health, our friend and 251 00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:45,600 Speaker 2: America's psychologist, doctor Jeff Guard. Dear young fellow. 252 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:51,520 Speaker 5: Amy TJ's so great to be with you again. It's 253 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:55,280 Speaker 5: been a minute. The world has changed, so much has 254 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:59,120 Speaker 5: gone on, you guys have Oh my god, I put. 255 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,560 Speaker 6: Up with and experience so much. 256 00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:05,280 Speaker 5: But I'm glad that we are all here to talk 257 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:09,760 Speaker 5: about the holiday season, what we've been through, what we're expecting, 258 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:14,679 Speaker 5: what the promise of tomorrow is all about, what some 259 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:17,840 Speaker 5: of the issues are that we still need to work around. 260 00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:21,920 Speaker 5: But you know, this is great information that you're giving 261 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:24,400 Speaker 5: out today, and I'm glad that we're talking about this, 262 00:12:24,559 --> 00:12:27,320 Speaker 5: and I'm happy to be your therapist if you. 263 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:29,440 Speaker 2: Say that. 264 00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:32,520 Speaker 1: Now, just wait, doctor Guardier. 265 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:36,440 Speaker 3: It's funny because we all have these expectations about this 266 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:39,840 Speaker 3: time of year. It's the most wonderful time of the year. 267 00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:42,440 Speaker 3: And I remember being in a storybugs actually what that 268 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:45,000 Speaker 3: song was playing when things were really not great, and 269 00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:45,920 Speaker 3: I started crying. 270 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:49,280 Speaker 1: But just hearing that song set me off. 271 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:51,760 Speaker 3: What is it about this time of year that can 272 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:56,720 Speaker 3: cause such dramatic reactions and difficulties with individuals and families 273 00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:57,800 Speaker 3: and relationships. 274 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:00,880 Speaker 5: Well, in this time of year, of course, we are 275 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:04,400 Speaker 5: very emotionally aroused. There are a lot of expectations, as 276 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:08,000 Speaker 5: you talked about, as far as being on being present, 277 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:13,520 Speaker 5: being able to be there for family members, to be 278 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:18,040 Speaker 5: joyous that this is the expectation that comes along with 279 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:21,679 Speaker 5: this time of year, and when we're not really feeling it, 280 00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:24,920 Speaker 5: when we're going through our own thing when we're not 281 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:29,280 Speaker 5: particularly feeling joyous. But again, the expectation is you have 282 00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:33,560 Speaker 5: to smile even though your heart is breaking. That is 283 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:38,040 Speaker 5: a challenge, that is a weight that you carry upon 284 00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:40,920 Speaker 5: your shoulders, because in some ways, it's not even the 285 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:46,440 Speaker 5: expectations of others, Amy, it's also the expectations you have 286 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,160 Speaker 5: on yourself. 287 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:51,200 Speaker 2: Well, doctor Gardia, how dangerous is that if we put 288 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:54,440 Speaker 2: ourselves in that position to always try to be chipper 289 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:56,319 Speaker 2: and a Starbucks when we hear a song, to always 290 00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:58,600 Speaker 2: smile because you know what, I just got that Christmas 291 00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:00,360 Speaker 2: card in the mail and that was the perfect little 292 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,280 Speaker 2: family with the dog and the two kids, and right 293 00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:06,360 Speaker 2: everybody's life and on Instagram everybody looks like they're having 294 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:09,079 Speaker 2: a wonderful time of the year. What's the danger in 295 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:10,319 Speaker 2: setting that expectation. 296 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:12,079 Speaker 6: Well, before we. 297 00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:15,680 Speaker 5: Talk about the danger, let's talk about perhaps how it 298 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:19,720 Speaker 5: can help when we do get those little cards and 299 00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:22,240 Speaker 5: so on, because it can cheer us up a little bit. 300 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:24,240 Speaker 6: But that can only go so far. 301 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:29,600 Speaker 5: And so the danger is that people are looking at 302 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:33,760 Speaker 5: you and expecting you to smile. You are expecting yourself 303 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:37,880 Speaker 5: to now be happy. You even begin to minimize some 304 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,600 Speaker 5: of the things that you're feeling. You begin to blame 305 00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:45,600 Speaker 5: yourself and say, well, maybe something's wrong with me, maybe 306 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:49,560 Speaker 5: this is something that I deserve or that I'm doing 307 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:50,400 Speaker 5: to myself. 308 00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:52,360 Speaker 6: And therefore we take all the. 309 00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:55,800 Speaker 5: Responsibilities away from other people and then we put it 310 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:59,080 Speaker 5: all on ourselves, and as I said, we become our 311 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:03,520 Speaker 5: own harshest critic. And then that makes our emotions. It 312 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:07,720 Speaker 5: makes the angst that we're feeling, the depression, the sadness, 313 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:11,520 Speaker 5: the anxiety, it makes it so much worse. 314 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:13,720 Speaker 6: And now we feel like we. 315 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:17,320 Speaker 5: Are carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders, 316 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:22,120 Speaker 5: and we don't given ourselves enough grace in this time. 317 00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:23,640 Speaker 1: I feel validated, Jeff. 318 00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:26,800 Speaker 3: You know what, we are going to continue this conversation 319 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:30,320 Speaker 3: because we talked about the why and acknowledging that we're 320 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:32,280 Speaker 3: kind of all in this together. I don't think anyone's 321 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:34,400 Speaker 3: immune to what you just described. Let's talk about now 322 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:47,120 Speaker 3: next what we can do about it, and welcome back everyone. 323 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:50,880 Speaker 3: We have doctor Jeff Garder with us talking about something 324 00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:54,520 Speaker 3: we've all been experiencing. I'm fairly certain this holiday season 325 00:15:54,560 --> 00:16:00,440 Speaker 3: that's stress, that's anxiety, that's relationship difficulties and lost. This 326 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:04,440 Speaker 3: forced feeling of I should be happy that somehow creates 327 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:06,200 Speaker 3: quite the opposite feeling and a lot of us. So 328 00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:09,240 Speaker 3: we're talking about something I think most of us know 329 00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:12,600 Speaker 3: unfortunately very well, but we have such an amazing person 330 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:15,120 Speaker 3: with us to talk about what we can do about it. 331 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:19,720 Speaker 3: And Jeff, someone once told me this, and it makes 332 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,360 Speaker 3: sense kind of, but I want to get your take 333 00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:26,440 Speaker 3: on it. Don't avoid conflicts, value them. That seems like 334 00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:30,440 Speaker 3: something you wouldn't want to pursue. But sometimes with all 335 00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:33,520 Speaker 3: of the stress and conflict we may have with one another, 336 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:37,560 Speaker 3: there can be really important, incredible takeaways and growth. Yes, 337 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,760 Speaker 3: how do we get our head around that and look 338 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:41,040 Speaker 3: at it from that vantage point? 339 00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:44,680 Speaker 5: I think perhaps the person to talk to you is 340 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:48,840 Speaker 5: very psychologically minded, because really one of the basic tenets 341 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:52,680 Speaker 5: in dealing with conflict or resolution is to actually deal 342 00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:57,160 Speaker 5: with the conflict. Too often we want to avoid any 343 00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:01,040 Speaker 5: kind of issues that are difficult for us, especially in relationships, 344 00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:04,760 Speaker 5: whether it's a personal or professional relationship, whether it's a 345 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:08,080 Speaker 5: family relationship. But the conflicts are there for a reason. 346 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:12,119 Speaker 5: There are unresolved issues that have to be taken care of. 347 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:16,160 Speaker 5: The more that we put them in the corner. The 348 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:19,680 Speaker 5: more that we can partmentalize them, the more strength that 349 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:23,560 Speaker 5: they gain. The more dysfunction that we see, we become 350 00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:28,159 Speaker 5: even much more uncomfortable, and our relationships strain even more. So. 351 00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:32,000 Speaker 5: At some point you can run, but you cannot hide 352 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:36,000 Speaker 5: from that particular issue or conflict. And that's why it's 353 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:40,119 Speaker 5: important to say, yes, there is an issue here, let's 354 00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:41,320 Speaker 5: talk about it. 355 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:43,840 Speaker 3: But do you have to talk about it then? Because 356 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:47,119 Speaker 3: I did say so. We had our little tiff the 357 00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:47,880 Speaker 3: other week. 358 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:50,919 Speaker 2: And that's really understating it. I needed to leave. I 359 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:54,440 Speaker 2: needed to leave. No, she didn't leve. I put her out, 360 00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:57,600 Speaker 2: Doctor God, I put out. And then the. 361 00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:02,720 Speaker 3: Next day, when some of us up, we could we 362 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,160 Speaker 3: could talk about it in a calm way and actually 363 00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:09,000 Speaker 3: have company results. Do you encourage taking time and taking 364 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:12,240 Speaker 3: some space and letting yourself calm down before you actually 365 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:13,720 Speaker 3: engage in the conflict resolution. 366 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:18,560 Speaker 5: So I was listening to your opening talk, of course, 367 00:18:19,119 --> 00:18:21,919 Speaker 5: and a couple of points that you all made that 368 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:25,280 Speaker 5: I think we really should pay attention to number one, 369 00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:29,600 Speaker 5: even though I believe that whatever conflict we're having, at 370 00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:32,920 Speaker 5: the end of the night, we should be in bed together. 371 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:35,560 Speaker 5: You know, and kind of just put that to the 372 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:39,560 Speaker 5: side for the time. It's just my opinion there, TJ. 373 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,520 Speaker 6: But you know you should. 374 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:44,760 Speaker 5: Sleep in that same bed because it does show that solidarity. 375 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,040 Speaker 5: But you will learn since I'm going to become your 376 00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:50,000 Speaker 5: therapist or a couple therapists anyway, I'm announcing it to 377 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:53,080 Speaker 5: the world. But you know, the thing that you did do, 378 00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:55,560 Speaker 5: both of you did that I thought was important. You 379 00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:59,240 Speaker 5: felt that it was something too big to manage at 380 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:03,520 Speaker 5: the time, so you gave yourselves space. And that is 381 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:06,959 Speaker 5: the proper thing to do, whether it be in another 382 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:10,000 Speaker 5: room or if you're fortunate enough to have your own 383 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,520 Speaker 5: living space to be able to retreat to that. 384 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,600 Speaker 6: That's good because, as I like to say. 385 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:20,000 Speaker 5: No one can hear you screaming at one another in space, right, 386 00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:23,600 Speaker 5: so that gives you time to calm things down. Secondly, 387 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,679 Speaker 5: you said there was you know, perhaps a little you know, 388 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:32,000 Speaker 5: social drinking involved. And the next rule is when you 389 00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:36,359 Speaker 5: have some social drinking, probably not a good idea to 390 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:40,040 Speaker 5: try to resolve issues because it makes our tongues a 391 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:43,280 Speaker 5: little bit looser, the impulse control is it a little 392 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:47,760 Speaker 5: bit less, So wait until your completely sober to talk 393 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:52,240 Speaker 5: about it. And getting directly to your point. Amy, Yes, 394 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:57,280 Speaker 5: sometimes you should wait and say, Okay, things are two heated, 395 00:19:57,560 --> 00:19:59,720 Speaker 5: let's take a time out, Let's give it a couple 396 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:02,640 Speaker 5: of and then when we can come back and talk 397 00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:06,240 Speaker 5: about it with our rational minds, not so much the 398 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:11,439 Speaker 5: reptilian mind of I gotta win, I gotta make my point. 399 00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:15,360 Speaker 5: It's more of it's not about winning, it's about sharing. 400 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:19,320 Speaker 5: It's about learning. It's about growing so we can deal 401 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,480 Speaker 5: with the next conflict that comes along, because you know, 402 00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:25,800 Speaker 5: they keep on coming, right, and we want to be 403 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:29,480 Speaker 5: better each time. And I think if we follow that 404 00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:33,040 Speaker 5: kind of a process, there isn't anything that we can't 405 00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:34,720 Speaker 5: solve in a relationship. 406 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,440 Speaker 2: How did we come out of this one? Would you say? 407 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,400 Speaker 2: How did we result? Because we didn't. We started texting 408 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:42,080 Speaker 2: at the end of the morning, and then what I'm you. 409 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:44,480 Speaker 1: Came, I'm actually proud. We've come a long way. 410 00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:47,399 Speaker 3: I mean, I think even as friends, we fought like 411 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,240 Speaker 3: we thought as coworkers in front, so. 412 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:51,240 Speaker 2: We're not Yeah, but then I knew I could go home. 413 00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:56,400 Speaker 2: I don't have to stick it out with you care guys, but. 414 00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:58,840 Speaker 3: I do think we have learned. I'm proud we I 415 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:01,159 Speaker 3: think we're pretty good with impulse control. We're not shouting 416 00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:04,159 Speaker 3: at each other, we're not none of that's happening. But 417 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,360 Speaker 3: I think they're just kind of going to shut down mode. 418 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,680 Speaker 3: But yes, the texting is usually how we get back. 419 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:10,840 Speaker 3: I think we both told each other that we missed 420 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:12,200 Speaker 3: each other and that we loved each other. 421 00:21:12,359 --> 00:21:14,600 Speaker 5: Okay, you know that's a very good way to open 422 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:17,800 Speaker 5: it up with words of affirmation, words of love. You know, 423 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:21,040 Speaker 5: we don't hear the three most important words in the 424 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:22,520 Speaker 5: world often enough. 425 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,440 Speaker 6: I love you. 426 00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:28,480 Speaker 5: And when you open up any kind of discussion with 427 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:31,879 Speaker 5: your partner with I love you, but I need to 428 00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:35,400 Speaker 5: say this, I love you, but this is what I felt. 429 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:39,320 Speaker 5: It really does kind of like open up a door 430 00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:42,520 Speaker 5: in a very gentle way to be able to listen 431 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:46,280 Speaker 5: to one another because you're saying, I'm giving you unconditional 432 00:21:46,359 --> 00:21:50,160 Speaker 5: positive regard no matter where this discussion goes. 433 00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:53,399 Speaker 2: You said three words. She has a favorite four words. 434 00:21:53,440 --> 00:22:00,199 Speaker 2: It's I love you, but no, no kind of. But 435 00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:01,920 Speaker 2: it's what comes after the butt that gets us in 436 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:06,119 Speaker 2: trouble there, guard dear, Look, we're dogging here about family 437 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:09,960 Speaker 2: world relationships here, but there's so much people talk about 438 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:12,439 Speaker 2: family during the holidays, and we're still getting through the 439 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:14,520 Speaker 2: end of this holiday season. People spend a lot of 440 00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:17,000 Speaker 2: time with family, and you hear the jokes like I 441 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:19,159 Speaker 2: gotta deal with my this, I gotta deal with my 442 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,000 Speaker 2: in laws, I gotta deal with my mom and somebody's 443 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:24,080 Speaker 2: giving me a hard time. And but that has a 444 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,720 Speaker 2: negative connotation to it around the holidays when it comes 445 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:31,679 Speaker 2: to family. But also isn't family wonderful to be leaning 446 00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:35,120 Speaker 2: on in this very difficult time? And we should probably 447 00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,520 Speaker 2: Oh well, I'll let you say it, if it's the case, 448 00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:40,600 Speaker 2: be leaning on our family like this year. 449 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:46,879 Speaker 5: Round and now more than ever, in this very fractured, divided, 450 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:48,439 Speaker 5: violent world that we live in. 451 00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:51,240 Speaker 6: What do we really have family? 452 00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:55,480 Speaker 5: You know, you talked about Amy, you talked about your 453 00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:58,280 Speaker 5: your I believe your grandma passed away. You talked about 454 00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:02,800 Speaker 5: your good friend Howard who passed away. We have to 455 00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:06,280 Speaker 5: rely and my condolences. Of course, we have to rely 456 00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:10,040 Speaker 5: on the people that we love to be our anchors. 457 00:23:10,359 --> 00:23:15,080 Speaker 5: And so I know for my Christmas, I really was 458 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:18,400 Speaker 5: very anxious about seeing. 459 00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:20,280 Speaker 6: My family, my in laws. 460 00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:23,280 Speaker 5: You know, some of the people that I grew up with, 461 00:23:23,359 --> 00:23:26,920 Speaker 5: Because when you get together at that dinner table. No 462 00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:29,600 Speaker 5: matter how old you are, how far you've come, what 463 00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:34,520 Speaker 5: you have achieved, it goes back to those basic family dynamics. Right, 464 00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:38,040 Speaker 5: Mom always loved you best. Oh, you were the one 465 00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:42,360 Speaker 5: who got all the attention. I was the middle child 466 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:46,000 Speaker 5: and I was ignored. So we replay those dynamics. But 467 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:50,760 Speaker 5: this is an opportunity for us to have an emotional replay, 468 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:56,399 Speaker 5: to use our minds in a way where we are 469 00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:58,959 Speaker 5: in present day and dealing with a lot of the 470 00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:03,359 Speaker 5: past issues, but using our intelligence, our cognition to be 471 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:09,680 Speaker 5: able to talk about these unresolved issues and to address them. 472 00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:12,320 Speaker 5: We may not solve them then and there, but it's 473 00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:15,800 Speaker 5: important that we be able to continue to address them, 474 00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:19,000 Speaker 5: and it may take years, but at least we're talking 475 00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:22,240 Speaker 5: to one another. At least we're there, because you never 476 00:24:22,359 --> 00:24:26,000 Speaker 5: know who may not be there in the next holiday 477 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:30,639 Speaker 5: Erish who you have right now, because in this uncertain world, 478 00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:33,760 Speaker 5: we never know from one day to the next. Love 479 00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:36,720 Speaker 5: that person that you are with right now. 480 00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:39,560 Speaker 3: It's so true, and you know, I think we all 481 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:43,520 Speaker 3: need to be reminded of that during this holiday season. 482 00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:47,959 Speaker 3: It's interesting. Obviously TJ and I have had some incredibly 483 00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:56,320 Speaker 3: like very very significant life changes, family changes, different dynamics. 484 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:59,080 Speaker 3: And I have now my twenty one year old daughter 485 00:24:59,359 --> 00:25:02,439 Speaker 3: from college in the apartment right now with us, my 486 00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:07,760 Speaker 3: seventeen year old who's stressed out. She's getting college acceptances 487 00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:10,359 Speaker 3: and deferrals as we speak, and so there's just a 488 00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:13,640 Speaker 3: lot of I don't want to say tension, but there's 489 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:18,520 Speaker 3: just there's a lot of energy in the apartment. 490 00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:20,639 Speaker 6: And you may want to say tension. 491 00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:24,479 Speaker 1: Yes, that yep, that absolutely is a part of it. 492 00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:26,920 Speaker 2: And then you're throw in her black boyfriend. Oh my god, 493 00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:31,560 Speaker 2: doctor Guardia, you talk about stress. 494 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:36,720 Speaker 5: WHOA, Well, that's that that that listen, that's stability right there, 495 00:25:37,359 --> 00:25:38,240 Speaker 5: that's stability. 496 00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:41,760 Speaker 6: If you're hearing it from a black therapist. 497 00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:45,159 Speaker 2: Yah, I love it. 498 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:45,760 Speaker 1: I love it. 499 00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:50,960 Speaker 3: What what is the best way to diffuse the situation 500 00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:53,680 Speaker 3: when you've got people who might not always be living 501 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:57,840 Speaker 3: together around each other suddenly thrown into an apartment together. 502 00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:01,960 Speaker 3: You know, even as a parent, as a sibling, is 503 00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:04,879 Speaker 3: do the rules stay the same based on who you are, 504 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:07,520 Speaker 3: a role you play in the family. How to best 505 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:10,159 Speaker 3: diffuse a situation and to not be triggered? And I 506 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:12,000 Speaker 3: think we all I hear my daughters use that word 507 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:13,119 Speaker 3: all the time. You're triggering me. 508 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:16,639 Speaker 1: Okay, I don't even know what that means, but all right, and. 509 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:21,199 Speaker 3: Whose responsibility is it to maintain their reaction to the trigger? 510 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:22,240 Speaker 6: Right? 511 00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:28,080 Speaker 5: Right, the right word was tension. So with you, with 512 00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:30,680 Speaker 5: your twenty one year old and your seventeen year old 513 00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:35,960 Speaker 5: there they are going through a very challenging time of 514 00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:39,920 Speaker 5: their lives, as you are going through a challenging time 515 00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:44,160 Speaker 5: in your lives, you know, Amy and TJ. So sometimes 516 00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:47,720 Speaker 5: we may not have the bandwidth to be able to 517 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:51,479 Speaker 5: look at what it is that, you know, our children 518 00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:54,639 Speaker 5: are experiencing. But at the end of the day, as adults, 519 00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:56,320 Speaker 5: we are the leaders of the pack. 520 00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:58,000 Speaker 6: We are the alphas. 521 00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:00,560 Speaker 5: So we have to be able to find a way 522 00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:05,520 Speaker 5: to allow them to be able to express themselves in 523 00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:11,000 Speaker 5: a very constructive way, even if they are irrational, even 524 00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:13,639 Speaker 5: if they're feeling a lot of emotion, even if they're 525 00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:17,080 Speaker 5: you know, striking out or what have you. It for 526 00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:20,760 Speaker 5: you as the leader, it's allowing them to have that space, 527 00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:23,439 Speaker 5: yet at the same time being able to give them 528 00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:27,600 Speaker 5: the guardrails to say it's okay, it's okay to have 529 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:31,600 Speaker 5: your emotions, it's okay to be anxious. It's okay to be, 530 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:36,320 Speaker 5: you know, overly excited to the point of where you're 531 00:27:36,359 --> 00:27:40,919 Speaker 5: stepping on some toes, but learn how to temper that 532 00:27:41,359 --> 00:27:44,120 Speaker 5: because that's part of our lives, that's the way that 533 00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:46,919 Speaker 5: we do function in a more constructive way. 534 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:49,800 Speaker 2: We're talking about seventeen to twenty year old here her daughters, 535 00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:52,480 Speaker 2: and you talk about potentially being irrational and there of 536 00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:54,399 Speaker 2: a certain age, But do you need to extend that 537 00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:58,720 Speaker 2: grace to everybody throughout your life? Right? There are grown 538 00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:01,960 Speaker 2: folks who can be a rational and we're all looking 539 00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:05,719 Speaker 2: for a way, certainly when we're stressed out. And I 540 00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:08,680 Speaker 2: wasn't gonna say it, but thank you for that out there. 541 00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:11,960 Speaker 2: I didn't want to say it. But what can you 542 00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:15,960 Speaker 2: what can you do there to manage people? How much 543 00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:21,400 Speaker 2: of yourself should you extend for somebody else's trigger? As 544 00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:24,160 Speaker 2: you say, you. 545 00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:27,560 Speaker 5: Know, we we have to try to live up to 546 00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:33,200 Speaker 5: a higher standard and not own other people's. 547 00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:34,440 Speaker 6: Anks and not own. 548 00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:38,760 Speaker 5: They're some of there. And I'm not talking about your daughters. 549 00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:41,560 Speaker 5: I'm talking about sometimes in the general public and what 550 00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:43,600 Speaker 5: the two of you have gone through. 551 00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:46,240 Speaker 6: Other people's projections. 552 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:49,280 Speaker 5: We can't own those things and it's so easy to 553 00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:53,840 Speaker 5: absorb that negative energy. And when I speak to my patients, 554 00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:56,120 Speaker 5: I say, the way that you do that is to 555 00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:59,800 Speaker 5: understand what it is that's being thrown at you, expressed it. 556 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:02,600 Speaker 5: You may not have anything to do with you at all. 557 00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:09,120 Speaker 5: That is their own intra psychic conflicts, unresolved baggage that 558 00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:12,560 Speaker 5: they're carrying around, and they get into something called splitting 559 00:29:12,880 --> 00:29:17,440 Speaker 5: where they then project a lot of their insecurities onto 560 00:29:17,520 --> 00:29:21,280 Speaker 5: you because they don't want to own their own thing. So, 561 00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:24,719 Speaker 5: in some ways, I like to call it flipping the 562 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:28,120 Speaker 5: script and tricking the devil. That person that may come 563 00:29:28,160 --> 00:29:31,200 Speaker 5: against you in that particular way, or who may be 564 00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:34,080 Speaker 5: rude in front of you, or who may even be 565 00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:36,959 Speaker 5: part of your family and is acting out in a 566 00:29:36,960 --> 00:29:37,680 Speaker 5: certain way. 567 00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:40,040 Speaker 6: You have to show them. 568 00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:42,680 Speaker 5: You don't have to, but it makes you the better 569 00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:46,880 Speaker 5: person to show the grace and understanding of saying, hey, 570 00:29:46,880 --> 00:29:49,760 Speaker 5: what's really going on here? How is it that I 571 00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:53,520 Speaker 5: can help you, but also showing the grace and understanding 572 00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:57,200 Speaker 5: to yourself to be able to say, there are boundaries here, 573 00:29:57,600 --> 00:30:01,040 Speaker 5: and there's only so far that you can go where 574 00:30:01,240 --> 00:30:05,200 Speaker 5: I either tell you you stop or I pull back 575 00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:06,800 Speaker 5: and walk away. 576 00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:09,360 Speaker 2: Ro certainly so far that you can go or I'm 577 00:30:09,360 --> 00:30:11,920 Speaker 2: going to step back and pull back and I'm gonna 578 00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:13,120 Speaker 2: walk away, Okay. 579 00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:15,760 Speaker 1: It's so hard not to be defensive in those moments. 580 00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:18,520 Speaker 3: I mean, I have, I have failed a million times 581 00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:22,240 Speaker 3: in how I've reacted, and I do think it's okay, 582 00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:26,440 Speaker 3: and I've found this to be a very powerful tool. 583 00:30:26,760 --> 00:30:29,040 Speaker 3: I say I'm sorry a lot. I don't always get 584 00:30:29,040 --> 00:30:30,920 Speaker 3: it right. I don't get it right a lot of times. 585 00:30:31,560 --> 00:30:34,440 Speaker 3: And you know, as parents, I always tell my daughters, 586 00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:37,959 Speaker 3: I don't have a handbook. I don't know, and I'm like, 587 00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:39,960 Speaker 3: you know, talk to your therapist about it. 588 00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:44,000 Speaker 1: I'm kidding, I'm not, but no, I don't. There isn't 589 00:30:44,200 --> 00:30:45,440 Speaker 1: a rule book for any of this. 590 00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:49,680 Speaker 2: We Doug, Doug Dougarder, we are to you. When you 591 00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:53,000 Speaker 2: say I'm sorry, it drives me crazy. Why because i'm 592 00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:56,040 Speaker 2: sorry comes twenty four hours later, and that's great, that's great. 593 00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:58,720 Speaker 2: But I'm always the guy of It's not a matter 594 00:30:59,040 --> 00:31:02,800 Speaker 2: of it's how you react in the moment that makes 595 00:31:02,840 --> 00:31:05,000 Speaker 2: all the difference in the world, because in that moment, 596 00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:07,280 Speaker 2: we have a chance to go this way or this way, 597 00:31:07,840 --> 00:31:12,160 Speaker 2: and if you go that way, I'm out. I'm done. Wow, 598 00:31:12,320 --> 00:31:15,200 Speaker 2: you know I'm done. I'm checked out for the DAB. 599 00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:16,320 Speaker 2: I'm not done done. 600 00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:20,440 Speaker 1: Wow? 601 00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:22,560 Speaker 2: Are you How long are you done for? 602 00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:23,760 Speaker 6: When you say your death? 603 00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:26,240 Speaker 2: It's two days? 604 00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:29,240 Speaker 1: No, it's two days, Jeff, it's two days. 605 00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:31,800 Speaker 2: I know. I admit that, doctor guardia and that's something 606 00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:34,040 Speaker 2: maybe you can't help us with. But I am. I 607 00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:36,160 Speaker 2: am really really bad about this. I don't scream, I 608 00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:38,280 Speaker 2: don't yell, I don't do anything. I don't name call, 609 00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:42,040 Speaker 2: I don't get aggressive and nothing. But I will check 610 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,960 Speaker 2: out and you're gonna have to wait until I get it. 611 00:31:45,960 --> 00:31:47,280 Speaker 2: I don't need you to say I'm sorry. I don't 612 00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:49,440 Speaker 2: need you to help me. I have to work through it, 613 00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:51,560 Speaker 2: and I'm I'm trying to get better at doing it quicker, 614 00:31:51,560 --> 00:31:52,920 Speaker 2: but it hasn't so far. 615 00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:56,280 Speaker 1: Now, well, let's get Jeff's take on this when we 616 00:31:56,320 --> 00:32:09,240 Speaker 1: come back. I can't wait. I am taking notes here. 617 00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:11,520 Speaker 1: Maybe actually, TJ, could you take notes? 618 00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:14,120 Speaker 2: I will do Okay, I'm taking this seriously. We have 619 00:32:14,160 --> 00:32:16,040 Speaker 2: a trained professional here, and this is something that we 620 00:32:16,080 --> 00:32:17,800 Speaker 2: deal with. I know other people deal with as well, 621 00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:23,480 Speaker 2: But how people deal with conflicts arguments in a relationship 622 00:32:23,560 --> 00:32:27,720 Speaker 2: and how to get past them and quickly. Sometimes doctor 623 00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:31,120 Speaker 2: Gardier is what seems like should be the motivation, But 624 00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:33,200 Speaker 2: should that be should that be a goal to get 625 00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:35,080 Speaker 2: over it as quickly as possible. 626 00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:38,200 Speaker 5: I think the goal really should be to learn as 627 00:32:38,360 --> 00:32:41,560 Speaker 5: much as possible, and if you could learn as much 628 00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:44,360 Speaker 5: as possible, that'll help you. Amy said something that I 629 00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:46,880 Speaker 5: really like, those two words that we also don't hear 630 00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:51,400 Speaker 5: enough in relationships or in the world. I'm sorry. And 631 00:32:51,480 --> 00:32:55,560 Speaker 5: when you're saying I'm sorry, it's showing empathy and giving validation, 632 00:32:56,000 --> 00:33:01,760 Speaker 5: but it's also taking responsibility as a partners, as a 633 00:33:01,760 --> 00:33:05,080 Speaker 5: as a parent, saying yeah, maybe I could have done better. 634 00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:08,440 Speaker 5: I don't quite understand why you're so angry at me, 635 00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:11,320 Speaker 5: but I'm sure there's something that I could have done, 636 00:33:11,600 --> 00:33:15,120 Speaker 5: and I'm going to work on taking more responsibility with that. 637 00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:17,040 Speaker 2: Moving on to TJ. 638 00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:20,600 Speaker 3: Now, yes, and two days I think I think it 639 00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:22,160 Speaker 3: went on to TJ right there. 640 00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:26,120 Speaker 6: I think TJ heard something there. So this so this thing. 641 00:33:26,000 --> 00:33:29,440 Speaker 5: TJ of you know very quickly, it takes you a 642 00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:32,520 Speaker 5: day or two to work out your thing. And I'm 643 00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:37,880 Speaker 5: saying this to you with all due respect. Sometimes it 644 00:33:37,880 --> 00:33:40,600 Speaker 5: can be a little bit selfish when we need to 645 00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:43,560 Speaker 5: take that day or two to work it out, and 646 00:33:43,600 --> 00:33:47,520 Speaker 5: our partner is left trying to figure out what's going on. 647 00:33:48,120 --> 00:33:50,080 Speaker 5: So one of the things that you can do, which 648 00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:52,840 Speaker 5: maybe you are doing, is in that one or two 649 00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:56,200 Speaker 5: days that you take, you know, to get yourself together, 650 00:33:56,560 --> 00:34:01,840 Speaker 5: to reregulate, get your hormonal system working and balanced again, 651 00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:04,960 Speaker 5: so you can deal in a positive way in the relationship. 652 00:34:05,320 --> 00:34:11,600 Speaker 5: Is checking in yes, I'm working on this, Yes I'm okay, Yes, 653 00:34:12,040 --> 00:34:14,840 Speaker 5: how are you doing while I work it out? Those 654 00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:18,680 Speaker 5: sorts of things allow you to have the space to 655 00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:19,960 Speaker 5: really pull it together. 656 00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:23,359 Speaker 2: Okay, And I heard hormonal. So you're saying it's not 657 00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:27,279 Speaker 2: my fault, I have a chemical imbalance. 658 00:34:27,160 --> 00:34:29,400 Speaker 6: Well, listen, I mean this is all about the brain. 659 00:34:29,480 --> 00:34:31,560 Speaker 5: One of the things we know is you can't separate, 660 00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:36,480 Speaker 5: you know, spiritual from psychological from the brain. You know, 661 00:34:36,600 --> 00:34:38,680 Speaker 5: a lot of the things that happen when we go 662 00:34:38,719 --> 00:34:44,080 Speaker 5: into conflict also affects our brain, our dopamine, our neurotransmitters. 663 00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:47,600 Speaker 5: So when we go into fight or flight, it becomes 664 00:34:47,640 --> 00:34:51,399 Speaker 5: a very chemical thing where either we stay and work 665 00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:56,000 Speaker 5: it out, or we run away, or we freeze. And 666 00:34:56,080 --> 00:34:59,680 Speaker 5: so when we reregulate our brains. When we calm down, 667 00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:02,640 Speaker 5: then it allows us to see things with a more 668 00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:07,400 Speaker 5: rational mind versus with the more emotional mind. 669 00:35:07,520 --> 00:35:11,799 Speaker 3: I mean, honestly, I would rather have him yell at 670 00:35:11,800 --> 00:35:13,960 Speaker 3: me than freeze me out for two days. 671 00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:16,040 Speaker 1: I'm just I'm spiral. 672 00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:18,759 Speaker 3: I'm like, I don't know what to say, what to do, 673 00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:22,560 Speaker 3: what he thinks some we've tried this before it gets 674 00:35:22,600 --> 00:35:25,200 Speaker 3: to that place, and we've only had a couple doozies 675 00:35:25,200 --> 00:35:28,920 Speaker 3: where this has happened. But we tried playfully at a 676 00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:33,360 Speaker 3: better point to have a safe word when someone starts 677 00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:36,000 Speaker 3: doing something or saying something that you know could potentially 678 00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:37,640 Speaker 3: take our relationship off the rails. 679 00:35:38,280 --> 00:35:39,080 Speaker 1: We say, what. 680 00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:45,680 Speaker 2: Dan Steely? And the reason is that's our safe for it. 681 00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:46,839 Speaker 6: But what is that word? 682 00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:50,319 Speaker 2: It's is Dan Steely, but it's something that makes us 683 00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:52,239 Speaker 2: laugh because the band is Steely. 684 00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:55,240 Speaker 3: Dan, right, and TJ had never heard of the band, 685 00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:57,439 Speaker 3: and when he was trying to recall it later, he goes, 686 00:35:57,440 --> 00:36:01,839 Speaker 3: what's that band called Dan Steely? And I died laughing, No, 687 00:36:01,920 --> 00:36:04,200 Speaker 3: it's Steely Dan. But then we decided because it made 688 00:36:04,280 --> 00:36:06,960 Speaker 3: us laugh, yes, why not have that be our safe 689 00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:08,120 Speaker 3: I guess it's a safe phrase. 690 00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:09,320 Speaker 1: It's not a safe word. 691 00:36:09,480 --> 00:36:10,840 Speaker 2: That has a different connotation. 692 00:36:11,239 --> 00:36:14,560 Speaker 1: Yeah, I know, I know it's safe phrase. All right. 693 00:36:15,239 --> 00:36:17,399 Speaker 3: What do you think about that concept? I think it's 694 00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:18,360 Speaker 3: helped a couple of times. 695 00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:19,399 Speaker 6: I think. 696 00:36:19,480 --> 00:36:21,560 Speaker 5: I think when you have a safe word that really 697 00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:25,040 Speaker 5: does say let's take the time out and we trust 698 00:36:25,080 --> 00:36:29,319 Speaker 5: one another because we agree on that safe word. So 699 00:36:29,520 --> 00:36:33,320 Speaker 5: if we're talking about Dan Steely, then we can say, 700 00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:37,839 Speaker 5: you know what, Amy, I will come back to you. 701 00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:41,880 Speaker 5: Oh he knows, of course, I know Steely, Dan, Come on. 702 00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:43,840 Speaker 2: What song is that I'm sorry? 703 00:36:44,080 --> 00:36:46,400 Speaker 1: Come back to it is? 704 00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:48,719 Speaker 6: Peg guy will come back to you? 705 00:36:49,200 --> 00:36:53,600 Speaker 2: Right wow? Yeah, y'all got me on this one in 706 00:36:53,640 --> 00:36:54,920 Speaker 2: our last few moments here. 707 00:36:55,600 --> 00:36:57,759 Speaker 5: But I gotta ask you, I gotta I gotta ask 708 00:36:57,760 --> 00:37:00,759 Speaker 5: you this TJ very quick. So when you take that 709 00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:07,360 Speaker 5: day or two away from Amy, it's a way for 710 00:37:07,480 --> 00:37:11,520 Speaker 5: you to reregulate, to work through things so you can 711 00:37:11,560 --> 00:37:16,759 Speaker 5: be your better self. But are you aware that that's 712 00:37:16,760 --> 00:37:20,520 Speaker 5: also pretty painful for her because it's easy for her 713 00:37:20,560 --> 00:37:25,600 Speaker 5: to interpret that as he is also being very passive aggressive. 714 00:37:25,960 --> 00:37:30,120 Speaker 5: Not only is he healing, but he's also denying me 715 00:37:30,920 --> 00:37:36,000 Speaker 5: his presence that I really need in my time of pain. 716 00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:39,800 Speaker 5: So might be something you might want to consider, because 717 00:37:39,840 --> 00:37:43,080 Speaker 5: we do it all the time, not thinking about perhaps 718 00:37:43,120 --> 00:37:46,399 Speaker 5: what the other person might be feeling at that time. 719 00:37:46,960 --> 00:37:48,840 Speaker 2: We had plenty of time for the question. But the 720 00:37:48,880 --> 00:37:53,000 Speaker 2: answer is complex. I will tell you I have a 721 00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:56,359 Speaker 2: very bad habit. I don't let a lot of people in. 722 00:37:56,840 --> 00:38:00,160 Speaker 2: And there are people in my life that I have well, 723 00:38:00,160 --> 00:38:02,760 Speaker 2: you know, maybe just friends or colleagues or something. You 724 00:38:02,760 --> 00:38:05,920 Speaker 2: you you burn me one time. You do one time, 725 00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:08,480 Speaker 2: and I'm done with you, and I will shut people 726 00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:10,759 Speaker 2: out and I'm not very forgiving. That is true. But 727 00:38:10,800 --> 00:38:12,600 Speaker 2: if I have somebody in my life like this, that's 728 00:38:12,880 --> 00:38:17,040 Speaker 2: this close to me, that is the the the person 729 00:38:17,080 --> 00:38:19,880 Speaker 2: who brought the pain that I'm feeling. This person is 730 00:38:19,960 --> 00:38:21,880 Speaker 2: not going to leave my life. I get that, but 731 00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:25,480 Speaker 2: I am still dealing with that thing and grappling with 732 00:38:26,080 --> 00:38:31,040 Speaker 2: being hurt so so, so bad, and then trying to 733 00:38:31,080 --> 00:38:34,279 Speaker 2: go back and give love or receive love from that 734 00:38:34,360 --> 00:38:37,920 Speaker 2: person that pain me. I know, that's what everything you 735 00:38:37,960 --> 00:38:40,520 Speaker 2: said I agree with one hundred percent, but that is 736 00:38:40,920 --> 00:38:43,800 Speaker 2: oftentimes what's happening with me, and I'm not again. I 737 00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:46,240 Speaker 2: don't go away for two days. We don't just stop 738 00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:49,880 Speaker 2: talking for two days. But it's not the same. It's different. 739 00:38:49,920 --> 00:38:52,600 Speaker 2: I am a very warm and loving and person and 740 00:38:52,640 --> 00:38:55,120 Speaker 2: when that goes away, I'm sure that doesn't feel good. 741 00:38:55,680 --> 00:38:56,520 Speaker 1: Oh it's awful. 742 00:38:56,800 --> 00:38:57,920 Speaker 2: Sorry, so awful. 743 00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:01,120 Speaker 6: Sorry, And I think I think what might add. 744 00:39:01,160 --> 00:39:04,680 Speaker 5: But thank you for saying I'm sorry, you know, because 745 00:39:04,680 --> 00:39:07,880 Speaker 5: that those words are very important, and you're really listening 746 00:39:08,040 --> 00:39:10,600 Speaker 5: as to what it is you know that Amy needs 747 00:39:10,600 --> 00:39:13,200 Speaker 5: as she listens as to what it is that you need. 748 00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:15,799 Speaker 5: You need some of that space sometimes. But I want 749 00:39:15,800 --> 00:39:19,760 Speaker 5: the two of you to consider that, you know, everyone 750 00:39:19,840 --> 00:39:24,960 Speaker 5: has been through something, you know, really really soul shaking 751 00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:28,399 Speaker 5: in their lives. You know you've been You've all been 752 00:39:28,480 --> 00:39:31,640 Speaker 5: through things. Other couples have been through things, and so on. 753 00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:36,279 Speaker 5: We know this is a very complex matter, but just 754 00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:39,280 Speaker 5: focusing on the two of you in the here and now, 755 00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:47,960 Speaker 5: consider that even though you have this extremely strong love 756 00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:54,400 Speaker 5: and are united in this way, that you're. 757 00:39:54,239 --> 00:39:56,440 Speaker 6: Still hurting very much. 758 00:39:57,160 --> 00:40:01,960 Speaker 5: You know, you both smile, you both, you know, appear 759 00:40:02,080 --> 00:40:06,319 Speaker 5: to the cameras, you both do your professional gigs, you 760 00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:11,200 Speaker 5: both take care of your families, your combined families, but 761 00:40:11,239 --> 00:40:16,040 Speaker 5: the two of you are still still in emotional pain 762 00:40:16,440 --> 00:40:19,719 Speaker 5: and you're getting stronger every day, but being in that 763 00:40:19,840 --> 00:40:24,760 Speaker 5: pain may make things even much more, put you both 764 00:40:24,880 --> 00:40:28,360 Speaker 5: in a more vulnerable place when you're dealing with issues 765 00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:30,480 Speaker 5: amongst one another. 766 00:40:30,520 --> 00:40:32,120 Speaker 6: Really actually having one another. 767 00:40:32,360 --> 00:40:35,040 Speaker 1: But yeah, that's really powerful. Thank you, Jeff. 768 00:40:35,040 --> 00:40:38,400 Speaker 3: And I think anyone out there, you know, our situation 769 00:40:38,560 --> 00:40:42,080 Speaker 3: isn't unique. It's just unique in that it's been blasted 770 00:40:42,120 --> 00:40:45,440 Speaker 3: everywhere and put in a very public space. But I 771 00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:49,759 Speaker 3: think so many people can relate to those types of issues. 772 00:40:49,800 --> 00:40:52,680 Speaker 3: When you have painful periods in your life, you tend 773 00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:56,560 Speaker 3: to take it out, or feel that emotional stress, you 774 00:40:56,600 --> 00:40:58,360 Speaker 3: put it onto the person you love the most. 775 00:40:58,800 --> 00:41:02,000 Speaker 5: I think that, well, let's not sugarcoat it's been life 776 00:41:02,120 --> 00:41:04,759 Speaker 5: changing for the two of you, what the two of 777 00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:08,240 Speaker 5: you have gone through. But what's really important, there's something 778 00:41:08,320 --> 00:41:12,560 Speaker 5: called post traumatic growth. We've all heard of post traumatic 779 00:41:12,560 --> 00:41:16,520 Speaker 5: stress disorder, where a trauma happens and then you know, 780 00:41:16,560 --> 00:41:20,960 Speaker 5: we go through anxiety and depression and you know, flashbacks 781 00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:25,960 Speaker 5: and nightmares and conflicts and so on. But post traumatic 782 00:41:26,080 --> 00:41:31,560 Speaker 5: growth is about going from being a victim to a 783 00:41:31,640 --> 00:41:35,960 Speaker 5: survivor to then being a victor. And I think we 784 00:41:36,120 --> 00:41:41,560 Speaker 5: talked about this, you know, way back when where when 785 00:41:41,600 --> 00:41:45,319 Speaker 5: you go down that rabbit hole and come out of it, 786 00:41:45,719 --> 00:41:50,279 Speaker 5: you are stronger than you ever went in. And hopefully 787 00:41:50,760 --> 00:41:53,319 Speaker 5: that is the promise of the two of you to 788 00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:56,879 Speaker 5: one another and to your children and to your families, 789 00:41:57,200 --> 00:42:00,960 Speaker 5: that you really do become beacons on how to work 790 00:42:01,000 --> 00:42:06,680 Speaker 5: through some of the hardest issues, relationship issues that anyone 791 00:42:06,760 --> 00:42:07,680 Speaker 5: really can face. 792 00:42:10,080 --> 00:42:12,760 Speaker 2: Well, we didn't expect this necessarily to turn into a 793 00:42:12,840 --> 00:42:16,759 Speaker 2: relationship counseling session, but it did for us great and 794 00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:18,720 Speaker 2: for a lot of folks, because a lot of people 795 00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:23,359 Speaker 2: can absolutely use the advice you just gave. And look, 796 00:42:23,400 --> 00:42:26,160 Speaker 2: we appreciate it because how much of the relationship counselor 797 00:42:26,200 --> 00:42:28,680 Speaker 2: here in New York, Wow, at least three three hundred. 798 00:42:28,680 --> 00:42:30,000 Speaker 2: But all we got to do is buy him a lunch. 799 00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:32,120 Speaker 1: When Jeff, thank you. 800 00:42:32,320 --> 00:42:35,839 Speaker 3: There go, thank you so much. We truly appreciate your 801 00:42:36,040 --> 00:42:37,200 Speaker 3: incredible words of wisdom. 802 00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:39,319 Speaker 6: Yeah, thank you, Thank you. 803 00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:42,560 Speaker 5: And for folks, as you're getting through the holidays and 804 00:42:42,880 --> 00:42:47,120 Speaker 5: you're approaching the New year's now, please remember don't be 805 00:42:47,239 --> 00:42:51,319 Speaker 5: so hard on yourself, don't pretend, don't feel that you 806 00:42:51,440 --> 00:42:54,719 Speaker 5: have to be everywhere and do everything. Now is the 807 00:42:54,800 --> 00:42:59,879 Speaker 5: time to take care of yourself, especially if you need love, 808 00:43:00,280 --> 00:43:04,240 Speaker 5: especially if you need the care of your own soul 809 00:43:04,760 --> 00:43:07,560 Speaker 5: so that you can eventually be there for others, but 810 00:43:07,600 --> 00:43:09,440 Speaker 5: you have to be there for yourself first. 811 00:43:10,040 --> 00:43:13,319 Speaker 1: Wow, that's a perfect way to end. Jeff, thank you 812 00:43:13,480 --> 00:43:17,759 Speaker 1: so much. We love you, and we'll talk soon, really soon. 813 00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:20,480 Speaker 2: Actually, yes, and everybody, thank you so much for listening. 814 00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:21,440 Speaker 2: I'm TJ. 815 00:43:21,920 --> 00:43:22,560 Speaker 1: I'm Amy. 816 00:43:22,719 --> 00:43:25,399 Speaker 2: You can catch us, of course on Instagram you can 817 00:43:25,400 --> 00:43:27,960 Speaker 2: find us, but also you can follow our show at 818 00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:44,239 Speaker 2: Amy and TJ Podcast on Instagram.