Speaker 1: Boom. If you thought four hours a day, minutes a
Speaker 1: week was enough, I think again. He's the last remnants
Speaker 1: of the old Republic, a sole fashion of fairness. He
Speaker 1: treats crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the
Speaker 1: rich pill poppers in the penthouse, the clearing House of
Speaker 1: hot takes, break free for something special. The Fifth Hour
Speaker 1: with Ben Maller starts right now in the air everywhere.
Speaker 1: We are back at it, a new Saturday edition of
Speaker 1: the Fifth Hour with Ben Maller and Danny g Here
Speaker 1: for all of your audio needs eight days a week.
Speaker 1: People people email me Danny, they say please the fuck up,
Speaker 1: and I say no, now, now, now, now now, because
Speaker 1: we have plenty to talk about. And I'm excited about
Speaker 1: the Saturday podcast, the life and times of of me
Speaker 1: and you, Danny going in depth, and we we have
Speaker 1: a lot to get on this Saturday podcast. Now on
Speaker 1: the menu, Danny, We've got Woody Motorcade, the Gift that
Speaker 1: keeps on giving and limited backscratching nice and we're gonna
Speaker 1: mix it all together like gumbo. Yes, we're gonna mix
Speaker 1: it all together, and it's gonna it's tastes like turkey
Speaker 1: it's gonna be really delicious unless unless it's not, and
Speaker 1: then after you eat it, that's that's what happened. So
Speaker 1: I really love having the sound effects between. Danny had
Speaker 1: to tell you, Yeah, I can tell it's it's a
Speaker 1: lot of fun. Anyway. Uh, everything good? Were you? Danny? Everything?
Speaker 1: We had a successful Friday podcast, so that went pretty
Speaker 1: well and and now we're back at it again. We
Speaker 1: have the mail bag on Sunday, so there's a lot
Speaker 1: going on. We're juggling a lot of things here. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's been a really good week so far, so time
Speaker 1: for us to screw that up. Yes, we will end
Speaker 1: up the podcast here. And now we've been what we've
Speaker 1: been doing years. The listeners have been saying it's not
Speaker 1: as much fun when we actually say the bad words.
Speaker 1: So we've been editing the bad words. That correcting is
Speaker 1: that the plan. Yes, I would like to thank you
Speaker 1: and everybody else in the Mallard Militia for adding an
Speaker 1: extra hour to my work week. So when I say
Speaker 1: function motherfucker all that you know you hear that? That
Speaker 1: that that like I didn't have enough to do. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you cook sucker. As Lee Elia said back in the day,
Speaker 1: all right, So we'll start with this now. Over the
Speaker 1: past year or so, Danny, things have been pretty topsy turvy.
Speaker 1: I've lived in three different places. Three had the Mallard
Speaker 1: mansion that I've been living in, which you visited multiple times. Uh.
Speaker 1: And then I moved to a temporary uh halfway house
Speaker 1: halfway house, and then uh and then I moved on
Speaker 1: to where I live now, which I think will be
Speaker 1: the final destination. But every time I move, I always
Speaker 1: think that's the last time I'm gonna move. I don't
Speaker 1: know if you're like that, Danny, but every time I move,
Speaker 1: I think, well, that's it, I'm not gonna move again.
Speaker 1: I've I finally found my final spot, and then surprise, surprise,
Speaker 1: turns out that's not the case. Um. So, So I
Speaker 1: moved a lot recently, and everything I owned, I own
Speaker 1: a lot of crap. I picked up a lot of
Speaker 1: stuff over the years. Everything I owned, other than a
Speaker 1: very small amount of stuff that you need every day,
Speaker 1: has been in storage ships And even now, after being
Speaker 1: in the final landing spot for a good amount of time,
Speaker 1: there's still a lot of stuff that is packed up
Speaker 1: in boxes and uh. And I also during that time, Danny,
Speaker 1: I got a lot of mail, listener mail. And while
Speaker 1: I was able to open some of the listener mail
Speaker 1: and it was great, I could not open all of
Speaker 1: the listener mail, and some of it in the the
Speaker 1: Healter Skelter way that things were going, some of it
Speaker 1: got placed into one of the storage ships and so
Speaker 1: so the mail has been sitting there. Some of it's
Speaker 1: been sitting there for like over a year, some of
Speaker 1: it a little less than that. And so I was
Speaker 1: getting emails. Some people are very upset any they're they
Speaker 1: were like, well, what what's up with that? I mean,
Speaker 1: I took some time out and h I said you something,
Speaker 1: and you didn't. You didn't respond, you didn't get it.
Speaker 1: And I was like and I was like, well, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm a I'm a douche. I apologized and uh, and
Speaker 1: you left it up in all that stuff. Yeah, this
Speaker 1: is like how long it takes Arnie Spaniard to receive
Speaker 1: his mail in Vermont? Yeah, got it on time, you
Speaker 1: just delayed it yourself. Well yeah, logistically it's a little
Speaker 1: more complicated. Now I'm doing the show remotely, but that's
Speaker 1: a different situation. We've been doing that for a couple
Speaker 1: of years now. I can't believe it's been a couple
Speaker 1: of years doing this. But while the the anniversary is
Speaker 1: I believe tomorrow, is that the anniversary of to me, well,
Speaker 1: it was got a different day. When did When did
Speaker 1: COVID really a COVID or what we used to call
Speaker 1: it the coronavirus some old school back in the day.
Speaker 1: But the the night that I remember, it's one of
Speaker 1: the nights that you'll remember where you were. Uh, that
Speaker 1: was I believe the date on that was March March eleven,
Speaker 1: So it was actually yesterday, was it was on Friday? Um,
Speaker 1: it was a Wednesday, March eleven, And that was when
Speaker 1: the last NBA and NHL games were played. That was
Speaker 1: when Rudy Gobert rubbed the microphone and pretended to cough
Speaker 1: on it. Yeah. Yeah, And there was that surreal night
Speaker 1: where they were canceling NBA games. They were telling fans
Speaker 1: to leave the Oklahoma City Utah Jazz game. I think
Speaker 1: that was the one. And then and then that like
Speaker 1: the news came out like Tom Hanks had coronavirus and
Speaker 1: people like what is that? What is is he gonna die?
Speaker 1: And so yeah, the anniverse actually was yesterday, March March eleventh.
Speaker 1: We are exactly what two years in? Right? With two years?
Speaker 1: Is that? Am I right on this? Yeah, you're right
Speaker 1: about that. And I think all of us who were
Speaker 1: on National Sports Radio and went through that whole year
Speaker 1: deserve some kind of award because not only did we
Speaker 1: get presented FEMA cards. Remember yes, yes, having in the
Speaker 1: middle of the night getting pulled over by HP because
Speaker 1: they're asking what we were doing on the road talk
Speaker 1: about a freaking ghost town. We heard from lots of people,
Speaker 1: what are you guys gonna do? What? What in the
Speaker 1: world are you gonna talk about? You're gonna go down
Speaker 1: the toilet now because you have no sports to talk about? Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: we were. People were convinced we're gonna go out of business.
Speaker 1: They were gonna turn out the lots the parties over
Speaker 1: and that turned out the beach all fake news, it's
Speaker 1: phony stuff. It didn't happen. None of it happened. And
Speaker 1: we actually had and I've been with the company since
Speaker 1: it started Fox Sports Radio well pretty much. I started
Speaker 1: like two weeks after the net were launched, and it
Speaker 1: is insane that we had more listeners in a year
Speaker 1: with no sports the year of when that began COVID
Speaker 1: a hundred and thirty four days with no professional sports,
Speaker 1: and yet the listenership was through the roof. It was
Speaker 1: crazy how many people were listening. And it was like
Speaker 1: people that used to listen to any that came back
Speaker 1: that wanted a familiar voice. And then there were people
Speaker 1: that just stumbled onto the show because they were bored
Speaker 1: out of their mind and they just wanted to hear
Speaker 1: somebody talking. Yeah, it turned out to be the opposite
Speaker 1: of what people thought at first, because all the listeners
Speaker 1: wanted a comforting voice or a safe space, something that
Speaker 1: was nice to hear. And a lot of our talk
Speaker 1: was us trying to not exactly talk about COVID all
Speaker 1: the time. We had to find lots of interesting topics
Speaker 1: to talk about. And I remember they had producer meetings
Speaker 1: like once a week or every other week because Don
Speaker 1: and Scott were hell bent on you guys, this is
Speaker 1: where the producers are really gonna step up. We need
Speaker 1: to not only keep this thing going, but you need
Speaker 1: to realize that there could possibly be even more ears
Speaker 1: on the network right now because a lot of people
Speaker 1: have more free time on their hands right now, and
Speaker 1: that's exactly what wound up happening. Everybody's podcast numbers went
Speaker 1: through the roof, and the live listenership almost doubled at
Speaker 1: a time when people thought it was gonna go out
Speaker 1: of business. Yeah, it was crazy what was going on there.
Speaker 1: And one of my favorite monologues that I will remember
Speaker 1: when I get out of radio when I'm dead. I
Speaker 1: probably don't remember when I'm dead, But I did a
Speaker 1: monologue on marble racing. I did. I did an entire
Speaker 1: monologue of fifteen minute monologue on marble racing. And I
Speaker 1: was really I was watching this on YouTube. What about
Speaker 1: a nine year old girl? That was my sports I
Speaker 1: was like betting on I would pick a marble. I
Speaker 1: always picked the blue marble, and then I would why
Speaker 1: and I would watching try in my head, I was,
Speaker 1: I was wagering and whatnot, and and it was new
Speaker 1: to me because I had never really gotten into the
Speaker 1: sport of marble racing. And you know, it was a tremendous,
Speaker 1: tremendous thing. A side felt man. I was watching NASCAR
Speaker 1: drivers pretend like they were driving Nascars. They were on
Speaker 1: their simulators. I don't know if you remember that, you know,
Speaker 1: yes I do? They Yes, yes, they were remember they
Speaker 1: had that weird what I think it might be in ESPN.
Speaker 1: They did that thing that shooting like a game of
Speaker 1: horse or something like. They did like a contest, but
Speaker 1: everyone was in a different city and they were like
Speaker 1: in their backyard, and it was like it was really weird,
Speaker 1: really weird. This is a time that people are definitely
Speaker 1: gonna try to explain to their kids later down the road.
Speaker 1: I think about the kindergarteners that I work with and
Speaker 1: what they're gonna remember a out this with the masks
Speaker 1: and all the restrictions and all the extra rules, and
Speaker 1: they're gonna celebrate and go nuts next Monday, Ben, because Monday,
Speaker 1: those little kids finally get to rip those masks off. Freedom.
Speaker 1: Freedom for the kids, freedom for the fact the fact
Speaker 1: that they have to wait there to wait longer though
Speaker 1: so stupid. The bureaucracy that is involved in all this
Speaker 1: is so ridiculous to me. But it's gonna be great.
Speaker 1: There'll be tons of videos online of kids screaming and
Speaker 1: shouting and celebrating, jumping up and down like they won
Speaker 1: the Super Bowl. Yeah, just like that video we saw
Speaker 1: a few weeks ago from Las Vegas. So so anyway,
Speaker 1: I didn't even realize, like a look at that, I didn't.
Speaker 1: It passed me by the story I was going to tell.
Speaker 1: So the mail has been all over the place, and
Speaker 1: I feel like a total schmuck and I'm finally getting
Speaker 1: taught up, and I've been going through the mail. I
Speaker 1: think I've gone through pretty much all of it at
Speaker 1: this point. There might be one or two things that
Speaker 1: haven't gone through. But it turns out several listeners sent
Speaker 1: me some really cool gifts and uh and very unique,
Speaker 1: very special. One of those listeners I wanted to highlight
Speaker 1: here Danny Robbie from Dublin, California in then no calp
Speaker 1: Bay Area guy Bubblin and Dublin. Yeah, Bubblin in Dublin
Speaker 1: with Robbie and he's he's in the Bay Are. He's
Speaker 1: a super fan of the show. He wrote me a
Speaker 1: nice letter. I know we're on the podcast, but you
Speaker 1: can see Danny, I hold that up there very long.
Speaker 1: See that very nice. That's a handwritten, that's not typed out.
Speaker 1: This is a yeah, this is amazing writing. Racist. I'm
Speaker 1: I'm embarrassed by the writing because my writing is like
Speaker 1: horrific chicken scratch compared to compared to this anyway. So
Speaker 1: Robbie is a big fan of show. He's been listening.
Speaker 1: He's listening to me since even before Fox Sports. Rade. Uh.
Speaker 1: He he stumbled on some of my bull crap and
Speaker 1: he says he grew up in India. Now I don't
Speaker 1: know how much of this he wants me to read
Speaker 1: on the ear or not, and so I don't know
Speaker 1: that I should read more. But he he sent me
Speaker 1: a really nice message. He gave me his email address
Speaker 1: up but the handwritten note as I showed you amazing
Speaker 1: And so without getting into too much personal stuff, I
Speaker 1: didn't want to thank Robbie. I know he listens to
Speaker 1: this podcast. He has sent emails in the past ripping me,
Speaker 1: uh and and rightfully, so he's not wrong on that
Speaker 1: at all. And he was absolutely correct on that, and yeah,
Speaker 1: open it up. But I finally got around to it.
Speaker 1: So thank you, Robbie. The gift spectacular he gave me, Eddie.
Speaker 1: He gave me the Woody I got, the I got.
Speaker 1: I could I call you Eddie? By the way, I
Speaker 1: think I just did uh bad job by me. That's okay,
Speaker 1: Ken Mallard. But did he gave me Danny? He gave
Speaker 1: me the woody just ram it. There's a handmade charcoutter reboard.
Speaker 1: Is that is that? Yeah, charkuckoo cucudery. Yeah, it's a
Speaker 1: fun word to say. RACUDERI I think he's actual say
Speaker 1: so it includes Now there's a I'm looking at here.
Speaker 1: It's got a knife made out of wood. There is
Speaker 1: a name plate with obviously my name on it, damn.
Speaker 1: And he says that the walnut here came Robbie says,
Speaker 1: came from a tree that was cut down in nineteen
Speaker 1: fifty two in Ohio. The maple came from a Christmas
Speaker 1: fair in San Francisco in nine nine. And so this
Speaker 1: is really this is really nice. It's very special, very unique.
Speaker 1: I've gotten a few unique things over the years, but
Speaker 1: this is right up there with any of them. And
Speaker 1: so thank you Robbie. And even though you're a Hegantes fan,
Speaker 1: you're on You're on the nice list. You're not on
Speaker 1: the Nauti list. You're on the nice list. So so
Speaker 1: thank you for that. Really really cool. I thought that
Speaker 1: was that was pretty neat to send that, and uh,
Speaker 1: he and his buddy made that very very cool. So
Speaker 1: thank you, and that will that will be used. Not
Speaker 1: by me though, Danny. I don't know what you put
Speaker 1: cheese on a charcuterie boarder that what you do what
Speaker 1: my wife knows what to do with that. Yeah, different meats,
Speaker 1: different cheese, different fruits. So it can be like when
Speaker 1: you went to Arby's. What's the slogan of Arby's We've
Speaker 1: got the meats or something like that, we have the meat,
Speaker 1: we have the meats. So I could put that out
Speaker 1: that we have the meats. It's just like that, and
Speaker 1: I'll scream that. People look at me like a monk
Speaker 1: lunatic anyway, So thank you Rabbi again and anyone else.
Speaker 1: If I didn't open, I didn't get your your gift,
Speaker 1: I apologize for if I didn't respond or whatever. But
Speaker 1: I I think I've gone through everything. That's a very
Speaker 1: very cool things, some hats and some other things. Nice cards. Uh,
Speaker 1: Rachel Almonta Bello sent me a nice card a couple
Speaker 1: other people, so that was pretty cool. So I appreciate it.
Speaker 1: So thank you for that. Now. Pivoting away from that thing,
Speaker 1: Mallard Motorcade last weekend for the second consecutive weekend, decided
Speaker 1: let me live my life now. The weekend before I
Speaker 1: went to Vegas and had a fine time. Uh And
Speaker 1: this was more of a la last minute thing, little
Speaker 1: last minute Roady and I packed up the mallarmobile and
Speaker 1: me and the wife we headed We headed out. Now,
Speaker 1: you know, there's only so many ways you can go
Speaker 1: here the Mallard GPS. You can only you can't go
Speaker 1: west because you need a boat, so you can't do that.
Speaker 1: You you can go south, but if you go too
Speaker 1: far you're in Mexico. And you can go north, and
Speaker 1: you can go obviously east. So we set the GPS
Speaker 1: to go uh north mallormobile and I figured might as
Speaker 1: well get one last road trip in before it becomes
Speaker 1: cost prohibited. You would go on the road. The financial
Speaker 1: burden we we we knew the price of gas with
Speaker 1: Sleepy Joe and all those people that that that the
Speaker 1: price of gas be like nine dollars a gallon ten
Speaker 1: dollars a gallon in a couple of weeks. And uh
Speaker 1: so we we decided to go on a little road trip.
Speaker 1: And we did not have our part pontoon boat, or
Speaker 1: we would have gone out in the Pacific, the Mighty Pacific.
Speaker 1: But we didn't do that, and so we we sent
Speaker 1: the GPS up and we had it was really the
Speaker 1: Mallard Motor Kid though, because we had a convoy Dad.
Speaker 1: It's exciting here. And my cousin she she moved out
Speaker 1: like last year from she'd been living in Houston and
Speaker 1: she moved to the area. And it's like her and
Speaker 1: like one other person I know that are related to me.
Speaker 1: Everyone else I know, the entire family, they're either dead
Speaker 1: or they moved east. So I don't have any really family,
Speaker 1: you know, my on my side of the family, so
Speaker 1: I don't really have anybody. So she's like my my cousin,
Speaker 1: you know where we grew up in the same neighborhood,
Speaker 1: close and so she's you know, she's married, she got
Speaker 1: kids and not. So she packed up her car and
Speaker 1: her with her husband and the kids and they joined
Speaker 1: the Mallard Motor Kid. Uh. Yeah. We we went up
Speaker 1: the California coast there through Ventura into Santa Barbara, passed
Speaker 1: through Buleton, stopped in Solving, and uh I got Solving
Speaker 1: usually once a year. I like, it's a little town.
Speaker 1: How do you describe Solving. It's like a Danish town,
Speaker 1: Like a little Danish town. Yeah, a lot of people
Speaker 1: know it as the Danish village. Yeah, of course, the
Speaker 1: windmill is famous from the movie Sideways. Yeah, it's a
Speaker 1: cool little town. And the mission on this was just
Speaker 1: gluttony because I've been fasting, so I ended my fasting style.
Speaker 1: There's this little place that serves like Ruben sandwiches there.
Speaker 1: I forget the name of it. I plug, but they
Speaker 1: have poutine, not putin poutine, and so I had some poutine.
Speaker 1: I love poutine. That's pretty good. Ruben sandwich is solid.
Speaker 1: And then we headed out there and we had we
Speaker 1: had the the most popular Danish dessert. You know what
Speaker 1: you've been to Solving, I'm sure over the years, right,
Speaker 1: you know what the most popular Solving dessert is. I'm
Speaker 1: sure I've had it before. It's called able skeever little
Speaker 1: like it just like doughnut balls adults, and they're covered
Speaker 1: in the ones. I had had strawberry sauce on and
Speaker 1: like they're supposed to be like a big Danish dessert.
Speaker 1: I don't know, maybe they made that up. Oh. I've
Speaker 1: been to the bakeries there in Solvang, and let's just
Speaker 1: say when you leave there, you come out feeling about
Speaker 1: ten pounds heavy. Year. Yeah, it's one of those places
Speaker 1: where you have like your belt buckle and you have
Speaker 1: to kind of stretch it out a little bit and
Speaker 1: you have to kind of it's like a holiday for
Speaker 1: fat people there in Solvang. Yeah, there's really nothing else
Speaker 1: to do other than eat or buy trinkets. Like they
Speaker 1: have a bunch of if you want anything made out
Speaker 1: of glass or uh, ceramic, and they have that like
Speaker 1: little windmills would say Solvang on it. Do you want
Speaker 1: to sweatshirt? You can get that. Also clock clock like
Speaker 1: that's right, not clocks that are very pricey. It's for
Speaker 1: old people, but chicks like it. So you take if
Speaker 1: you take a woman to the Danish village, she will
Speaker 1: look at you with some big eyes and you will
Speaker 1: get lucky. Yeah, you get some some cloud when you
Speaker 1: can afterwards. Yes, absolutely so. Its bone appetite was delicious.
Speaker 1: But then we were like, wait a minute, we gotta
Speaker 1: keep going. We're not going to stop at Salvan, come
Speaker 1: on out the California coast, head north due north. So
Speaker 1: we kept going, got back on the Mallard motorcade and
Speaker 1: I stopped off at the Costco in Santa Maria to
Speaker 1: refill the gas just making sure they didn't raise the
Speaker 1: price from the last time I got gas. So I
Speaker 1: filled up in Santa Maria. There at the Costco, beautiful Costco.
Speaker 1: There's never a line. I always whenever I go up
Speaker 1: to California Coas, I always stopped there. Never a line.
Speaker 1: It's the only Costco I've been to with no line.
Speaker 1: Every other Costco is a million million cars, no line.
Speaker 1: It's wonderful. And they got every kind of like chain
Speaker 1: restaurant you could possibly want in Santa Maria. Anything you need,
Speaker 1: any chain, they're all there. So I filled up, headed
Speaker 1: up to Saint Louis ABYSSPO destination Madonna In. Uh yeah,
Speaker 1: Madonna In, which is halfway between San Francisco and Los Angeles,
Speaker 1: right off Highway one on one, the famous Highway one
Speaker 1: on one. Now was I staying there, Danny? Did I did?
Speaker 1: I said to spend the night there? No? No. Did
Speaker 1: you go into the diner? Yes? Yes, And I've been
Speaker 1: there before. We've talked about Madonna and before you run
Speaker 1: on the podcast. Now I go there usually once a year.
Speaker 1: Also because you know, the wife is a big fan
Speaker 1: of the Madonna In and so this place. The way
Speaker 1: I described the Madonna into people that have never seen
Speaker 1: at this hotel. It's like if and this is an
Speaker 1: outdated reference. Liberaci, the late pianist Liberati, I think died
Speaker 1: in the eighties, so that's a really outdated reference. But Liberati,
Speaker 1: this over the topic centric pianist. If he had designed that.
Speaker 1: And and then you mix in like I imagine the
Speaker 1: sopranos or like Frank Sinatra, you know, getting together there
Speaker 1: and it dates to the nineteen fifties. It's so over
Speaker 1: the top, eccentric and all that. And but my wife
Speaker 1: loves that. She has to go there and she likes
Speaker 1: to collect. They have these glass uh, these special glass
Speaker 1: that they're not really their cups, but they're more than
Speaker 1: just cups there. Oh yeah, I bought my Tenderoni a
Speaker 1: couple of those when we visited. They have the blue one,
Speaker 1: the pink one. Yes, you have a gift shop, and
Speaker 1: right next to the gift shop, ben the men's bathroom
Speaker 1: you picked into a waterfall. Yes, And let me tell you,
Speaker 1: I spent some time in that in that bathroom with
Speaker 1: the Pitts waterfall, and there were a lot of dudes
Speaker 1: coming in. They didn't know what to do. They were
Speaker 1: like they were like should we. I mean, this seems
Speaker 1: like this is not really because it doesn't. It seems
Speaker 1: like you shouldn't do that, like you're not supposed but
Speaker 1: then you're there's nowhere else to do it, you gotta
Speaker 1: do it. Yeah, And I don't know what's in the
Speaker 1: women's bathroom. I'n't been in there, but yeah, that's a
Speaker 1: wild bathroom. They have just like high end restaurant. And
Speaker 1: then they have like a diner. And so we went
Speaker 1: to the diner and me and that my my, you know,
Speaker 1: the family, the cousins and the kids and all that stuff,
Speaker 1: and we went and said we needed more gorgeous. We
Speaker 1: needed to pick out more, and so we headed over
Speaker 1: to the restaurant. They have this pink champagne cake. I'm
Speaker 1: a I'm a sucker for frosting on cake. I love
Speaker 1: frosting on it and that's my favorite part of it.
Speaker 1: And so they have really good frosting and so I
Speaker 1: had we had a big piece of that thing. It's
Speaker 1: like ten dollars to slice my gut. It's either that
Speaker 1: or a gallon of gasoline. But it was fluffy, creamy goodness,
Speaker 1: and uh, you know, it was wonderful. And then that
Speaker 1: was it. We headed back on the the late night
Speaker 1: Express back to l A. Stopped at Fat sALS on
Speaker 1: the way back, and then that was it. So it
Speaker 1: sounds like a very fat adventure. Yeah, I felt like
Speaker 1: porky pig. I then did not eat for the next
Speaker 1: two days after that to make up the loss. I
Speaker 1: figured I ate so much that day, I can take
Speaker 1: a couple of days off and I didn't need for
Speaker 1: two days. So it was fun, you know, I like
Speaker 1: to everyone was a while. If if I had more
Speaker 1: time off on the weekends, I just go up to
Speaker 1: San Francisco and hang out. Maybe not now because people
Speaker 1: pooping on the street. I can go to l A
Speaker 1: if I want to see that. I don't even go
Speaker 1: to San Francisco for that. But anyway, So the gift
Speaker 1: that keeps giving, Danny g we move on because there
Speaker 1: is better content ahead here. The gift that keeps giving.
Speaker 1: What is this all about? Daddy might get a little
Speaker 1: uh NC seventeen here? Yeah, get my buzzer ready. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And in fact, I asked my tender Roni last night.
Speaker 1: I said, could you please write it out for me?
Speaker 1: Like almost Yelp style, write a Yelp review of this
Speaker 1: place I'm gonna talk about. And she's like, I don't
Speaker 1: want to do that. It's gonna be like porn, And
Speaker 1: I said, hey, that's perfect for the podcast. It was
Speaker 1: just a swingers club where we're looking at here, what
Speaker 1: do we got here? This past Christmas, I was trying
Speaker 1: to get things for her stocking because she she had
Speaker 1: mentioned to me that over the years, her kids always
Speaker 1: got really cool stocking stuffers and hers would always just
Speaker 1: be empty. Yeah, you know, and that's the plight of
Speaker 1: a parent, right, Yeah, Okay, Well, let me flip the
Speaker 1: script and I'll actually put some things in her dumb
Speaker 1: stocking so that she has something to open as well.
Speaker 1: And you know, up to the last minute, I couldn't
Speaker 1: figure out what to put in her stocking. I got
Speaker 1: really good gifts, but I'm like, damn it, what can
Speaker 1: I put in the stocking. I'm like, okay, think about
Speaker 1: what she really likes. Resorts, Like any girl, massages, bingo.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna find a massage place here locally, get a certificate,
Speaker 1: and I'll put that in the stocking. She'll love that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that makes sense. And so did you did you find
Speaker 1: the orchids of Asia day spas? That the pay off
Speaker 1: on this is that so I go to Yelp like
Speaker 1: any good consumer, and I read real life reviews unless
Speaker 1: half of them aren't. And you know, but I found
Speaker 1: some good reviews with real pictures there. I could tell
Speaker 1: which ones are real, which ones are fake? What's the secret?
Speaker 1: How can you tell? Because it's very difficult on the
Speaker 1: internet to tell, and they all look most of them
Speaker 1: are the ones that are like overly kiss ass and
Speaker 1: there's no real life photos. You can tell that's somebody
Speaker 1: that has something to do with the owner of the place. Generally,
Speaker 1: I've heard there's services that will actually do that if
Speaker 1: you get the businesses. You're not supposed to do this
Speaker 1: as taboo, but there's companies that you can hire. Two
Speaker 1: flood these different web you know, the review websites with
Speaker 1: positive reviews. Yeah, but you could get an overall view
Speaker 1: of a place. If there are three or four one
Speaker 1: star reviews all in a row and they all kind
Speaker 1: of agree that this place sucks. You can tell from
Speaker 1: a glance, okay, this this place is kind of trouble
Speaker 1: and vice versa. So I kind of know what to
Speaker 1: look at with Yelp. I've used it for a long time.
Speaker 1: So I'm looking at all these different massage places and
Speaker 1: there is one that it did have an Asian name,
Speaker 1: but a lot of them do. It's in a good
Speaker 1: part of town, and the reviews were nice. It's not
Speaker 1: some shady place that gentlemen like Deshaun Watson visit, as
Speaker 1: far as I could see. So I go there. I
Speaker 1: call them. They're open for another hour. And this is
Speaker 1: like going into Christmas Eve. A lot of places were closing. Perfect.
Speaker 1: I'll be there. I'm gonna pick up a gift certificate.
Speaker 1: Go in. It's a nice, decent looking place. It's in
Speaker 1: a good part of town. Like I said, they give
Speaker 1: me a certificate for one hour deep tissue massage. A
Speaker 1: Swedish deep tissue massage, all right, So I put it
Speaker 1: in her stocking. She loved it when she was taking
Speaker 1: her things out of the stocking. But of course she
Speaker 1: needs to call and, um, you know, schedule an appointment. Yeah. Well,
Speaker 1: it took all the way into March for her to
Speaker 1: do that. And I kept asking her when are you
Speaker 1: gonna get that massage? Because you know, I'm busy. I
Speaker 1: can't do it right now. Let's have someone else do
Speaker 1: it for you. So she schedules. She yeah, stupid schedule.
Speaker 1: So she schedules it for this past week and I'm
Speaker 1: like cool. Afterwards she comes out, I text her, I'm like,
Speaker 1: how is the massage? And I get the cryptic I'll
Speaker 1: tell you about it when I get home and see
Speaker 1: you in person. And I'm like, that's not good, you know,
Speaker 1: because I was expecting her to come out on cloud nine,
Speaker 1: thank you, you're the best. You were fishing for a compliment, right,
Speaker 1: You were expecting her to say, O hoesf we. I
Speaker 1: really didn't because I didn't even ask a question. I
Speaker 1: just said, I hope it was good. You deserve a massage,
Speaker 1: It's all I said. But usually if a woman comes
Speaker 1: out of a massage, she's gonna be glowing on her own. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Well she wasn't, though. She's like, I got to talk
Speaker 1: to you about this in person. And all of us
Speaker 1: dudes know, if a woman tells you that something about
Speaker 1: to go down or you're in trouble, it's not usually
Speaker 1: good when a woman says, I'm gonna talk to you
Speaker 1: about it in person, no, because he's normally they can't
Speaker 1: wait to tell you, and right, it's good news if
Speaker 1: it's bad news, then it's like, yeah, I'll wait on
Speaker 1: out here. Ben. She gets home and tells me about
Speaker 1: the experience, and I'm losing my mind. I cannot believe
Speaker 1: what happened. What happened? So let's in the box. What happened?
Speaker 1: What's in it? She goes in. She said everything was fine,
Speaker 1: and she said they were burning incense in the lobby
Speaker 1: and it seemed like a really cool place. They take
Speaker 1: her in. The Asian gal that brought her in, look,
Speaker 1: she said, did look a little stout like, kind of buff.
Speaker 1: So she was like, well, I am gonna get a
Speaker 1: deep tissue massage. It looks like so this lady Ben
Speaker 1: pulls her underwear down, which she was not expecting. Uh,
Speaker 1: jumps up onto the massage table, straddles my girl, sits
Speaker 1: on my girl's rare end, is going to town on
Speaker 1: her and and was kept slapping her, even slapped her ass.
Speaker 1: My girl did not know what to do. She said.
Speaker 1: It was one of those moments in life where you wonder,
Speaker 1: am I enjoying this? Or is this really strange? What
Speaker 1: massage is that? That's what I asked her. I said,
Speaker 1: how is that a Swedish massage? And she said, I
Speaker 1: don't know. I was really confused, she said. While this
Speaker 1: lady was straddling her and massaging her, she was also
Speaker 1: speaking very strangely in another language and making noises as
Speaker 1: she was doing it, so it was like she was
Speaker 1: enjoying it more than my girl was. Wow, she's making
Speaker 1: strange noises. She's almost hurting her. What about a pressure
Speaker 1: she's putting on her? And now she asked her, you
Speaker 1: want hot stone, ten dollars extra hot stone, throw hot
Speaker 1: rocks at you? What is that? So my Tinderni says, sure, okay.
Speaker 1: Then so she puts the hot stones on her back,
Speaker 1: and my TINDERRONI said, honestly, it was a nice break
Speaker 1: from this lady slapping and hitting me and pushing on
Speaker 1: me too hard. So she's laying there with the hot rocks.
Speaker 1: But then the massus takes a hot rock and sticks
Speaker 1: it in her ass. Crack whoa, whoa. Oh yeah, so man,
Speaker 1: she felt violated. It's just like an S and M
Speaker 1: type situation. Here. What do we got going on? I'll
Speaker 1: tell you after I go next week. Oh yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: trying up for a monthly membership here. Yeah. So also
Speaker 1: when this lady was done, after this very strange. Uh,
Speaker 1: rape massage a massage. Yeah. She looked at her and
Speaker 1: said finished. She didn't ring a bell, like, yeah, I
Speaker 1: got done. Here we go, ring the ring the victory bell.
Speaker 1: By the way, she was always she was also pushing
Speaker 1: on the side of my girl's chest and kind of
Speaker 1: cupping her breasts. And after she after she would do that,
Speaker 1: she would tell her this, okay, this okay, wow. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and my girls like you're doing it already. What does
Speaker 1: it matter what I say right now? Well, Deshaun Watson
Speaker 1: is probably like, good me give me that number right there.
Speaker 1: They come on, hook me up on that. My goodness.
Speaker 1: She massaged her but for ten minutes, man, and then
Speaker 1: she didn't have to pay extra for that. She is Wow.
Speaker 1: You should have saw how fast she ran to the
Speaker 1: shower when she got home. Yeah. He's like, I feel
Speaker 1: like I need a shower and a cigarette shower first.
Speaker 1: And so she was like where did you send me?
Speaker 1: What did you tell this lady I needed? No? I
Speaker 1: was like, no, I swear the yelp reviews were good.
Speaker 1: That's wild. That is crazy, man. Yeah, now we know
Speaker 1: why the yelp reviews were good. Yeah, that was and
Speaker 1: that was out near you, and that's part of the
Speaker 1: l A. Yeah, right on the border of the San
Speaker 1: Fernando Valley in Ventura County. Hit me up in my
Speaker 1: d M S. I'll give you the name of the place.
Speaker 1: You can get a lot of you a lot of
Speaker 1: messages here, Danny. What's what's this all about? Man? I
Speaker 1: just feel bad because I wasn't there. I know that
Speaker 1: could have really been You could have recorded the whole thing.
Speaker 1: That could have been big on the internet. That would
Speaker 1: have been massive. Man, all right, well that is the
Speaker 1: gift that she now. Is she okay to go back
Speaker 1: and get him? And said out at that place? But
Speaker 1: is she or is this gonna like affect her for massages?
Speaker 1: From knowledge she can be like anti massage. I don't know.
Speaker 1: She was so confused about it all night long. It
Speaker 1: was funny because when she was in the shower I
Speaker 1: heard her bust out laughing. What did the hell is
Speaker 1: she laughing about? In the shower? And then when she
Speaker 1: came out she told me, oh my God, like certain
Speaker 1: things about the massage keep coming back. She had already
Speaker 1: planned on picking up Panda Express for us for dinner
Speaker 1: after her massage, so now she didn't know what to
Speaker 1: do because she has PTSD or PTS massage. Ye, yes, man,
Speaker 1: that's crazy. So what do you think you have? Do
Speaker 1: you think the well, if you go to you know,
Speaker 1: a high end spa, they do the thing where they
Speaker 1: tuck the the clean sheet by your butt and they
Speaker 1: don't go down there. Now there's two I got two
Speaker 1: things in my head you think. Number one is you
Speaker 1: somehow paid for the most rot massage you can get.
Speaker 1: That's number one. Number two is maybe this masseuse like
Speaker 1: I saw your your TENDERNI there and kind of our Wait,
Speaker 1: I like this, Maybe I'm into this. Yeah, I'll I'll
Speaker 1: handle this one. I'll throw in some some extra goodies here.
Speaker 1: She does have a nice but maybe that, maybe that
Speaker 1: could be it right. Maybe they're like, hey, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: I got this one. I got this one flattering, but
Speaker 1: wait until we do a couple's massage at your place. Man.
Speaker 1: All right, well that is the gift that keeps giving
Speaker 1: And Danny will be doing commercials for them on the
Speaker 1: podcast coming up next week the name out and it
Speaker 1: will be absolutely wonderful. We don't have a lot of time,
Speaker 1: but I did want to get to the the back
Speaker 1: scratching which is nothing related to what you have going
Speaker 1: on over there at that massage place. So we have
Speaker 1: been saying we we have been trying to get people
Speaker 1: to shamelessly promote the podcast, the Fifth Hour podcast, and
Speaker 1: we've been asking people to post reviews on the Apple
Speaker 1: podcast page. We've been asking for and the last couple
Speaker 1: of weeks we've had people answer the bell and it's
Speaker 1: been great. Uh, that streak has ended, Danny, that streak
Speaker 1: has ended. Uh, it's you know, you scratch our back,
Speaker 1: We scratch your back, but we have no one's back
Speaker 1: to scratch. We did get on the Mallard Show page.
Speaker 1: We got a couple of reviews, but those were not
Speaker 1: for the this podcast. Yeah, some people get confused by
Speaker 1: what the park so I'm not sure what. But Twizzle
Speaker 1: Twizzle wrote in some doc Mike thing and then uh,
Speaker 1: fur Dog reviewed the radio show and he said pretty
Speaker 1: pretty good. He give the Larry David review. But we
Speaker 1: want the Fifth Hour page. So that's what we need
Speaker 1: and you know, if you can help us out, we
Speaker 1: will read your comments on the air. Oh I also
Speaker 1: wanted to mention I just remember this so I had
Speaker 1: a crazy, crazy uh time on Cameo been doing these
Speaker 1: cameos for several years. I don't promote it that much,
Speaker 1: and it's really for the super fans of the show,
Speaker 1: like the big p ones that want a special Mallar
Speaker 1: milogue was some kind of special message for them. And
Speaker 1: so I've been, I've been. I've got a few of them.
Speaker 1: It's pretty cool. People getting married and things like that,
Speaker 1: or I just want to pep talk. And so I
Speaker 1: got a request. And I don't know that I want
Speaker 1: to name this person because I don't know they want
Speaker 1: me to name them. But someone who's high ranking in
Speaker 1: the Malamal issue has been with me a long time,
Speaker 1: is a big part of the show and has helped
Speaker 1: promote the show across the country, has advertised the show
Speaker 1: across the country. So this particular person wanted me to
Speaker 1: do a special cameo to promote the fact that their
Speaker 1: their kid, that the team had had been very successful.
Speaker 1: And so I agreed to do it, like I have
Speaker 1: a choice. And so I did it, and and I
Speaker 1: did a little message and all that stuff. And so
Speaker 1: then I get another message, Hey, wait a minute, I
Speaker 1: left some kids name out because he I mean to
Speaker 1: do like a roll call the name name the kids
Speaker 1: and so I guess I he had sent me the
Speaker 1: wrong list. So he said, I'm gonna get another one.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get another cameo, and then I want you
Speaker 1: to correct it. And so I said, okay, I'll do it.
Speaker 1: And so so then he sent me the list and
Speaker 1: then I did the cameo. And now this time, Danny,
Speaker 1: I guess I I fucked up. I screwed up the cameo.
Speaker 1: I didn't get all the names, and I just assumed
Speaker 1: there was only one more name, and they were like
Speaker 1: two more names. So now he sends a third request.
Speaker 1: So now I've done three of these things. And I
Speaker 1: did get it right the third, third, and final time,
Speaker 1: but we had to do three takes. He was very
Speaker 1: good hearted about it and all that stuff, but I
Speaker 1: had to do three takes on that, and I don't
Speaker 1: know if the kid enjoyed it or not. I hope,
Speaker 1: I hope the kids did. By the time it was
Speaker 1: the third one, the kids like, I'm sick of this guy.
Speaker 1: I was like, this is great. If I keep effing
Speaker 1: this up, he'll keep you be more cameos coming and
Speaker 1: this is a this is amazing here. But but no,
Speaker 1: I was it was his mistake. That it was my mistake,
Speaker 1: and then we we righted the ship and I am
Speaker 1: over there on Cameo if you want to, if you
Speaker 1: want to check me out, I have not raised my press. Sure,
Speaker 1: I raised my price because of inflation. Everything else is
Speaker 1: getting more expensive. I have not done that in a while. No,
Speaker 1: you should go the other direction to get cheaper. I
Speaker 1: don't know about that. I got in trouble with Cameo, sir.
Speaker 1: I'm not handed out here, I'm not lying. So I
Speaker 1: feel very guilty. When people buy these cameos. I try
Speaker 1: to personalize them as much as I can, and a
Speaker 1: lot of times people will send me kind of vague details,
Speaker 1: so I don't have a lot to work with, which
Speaker 1: makes it very difficult. The degree of difficulties very high,
Speaker 1: because you know, I know a little bit about some
Speaker 1: of the people that call the show are right into
Speaker 1: the show, but I don't know that much, and so
Speaker 1: it becomes very difficult. But I spent a lot of
Speaker 1: time I trump with these things together. And so I
Speaker 1: got an angry email from Cameo because they were having
Speaker 1: trouble uploading the cameos that I was doing because they
Speaker 1: were too long, and they they They were very polite
Speaker 1: about it, but they were like, hey, you know, the
Speaker 1: average person, the average celebrity does a cameo, it's like
Speaker 1: thirty seconds to a minute, and I'm doing seven minutes
Speaker 1: of content doing monologue. I'm doing monolo. I'm doing literally
Speaker 1: a month now. I've had to cut I've had to
Speaker 1: cut that back because they got upset. But I still
Speaker 1: try to do four or five minutes. I try to
Speaker 1: do it around then, sometimes a little shorter, sometimes it
Speaker 1: will be longer. Yeah, but I got in trouble for that.
Speaker 1: I was like, really, you're gonna It's like, I can
Speaker 1: see why, just because the soup Nazi over from the
Speaker 1: Seinfeld shows doing thirty seconds shoutout, and I can't do longer.
Speaker 1: I can't go longer. What's up with that? It's not
Speaker 1: right anyway. Any to promote Danny, any comedy gigs, anything
Speaker 1: coming up here at all, anything and you want to promote, well,
Speaker 1: It'll be a full day at FSR for me. I'll
Speaker 1: be there with Steve Hartman and Jeff Schwartz and then
Speaker 1: after that the great Brian No and he from Salam who,
Speaker 1: by the way, what is he from gonna do? Now?
Speaker 1: With some of the mask requirements being lifted. This guy
Speaker 1: walks into the studio wearing the visor, you know, the
Speaker 1: face shield to end masks. He sprays an entire can
Speaker 1: of lysol and one of us are are allowed to
Speaker 1: go into his on air studio? Is that right? Well?
Speaker 1: And Brian no, He does his part of the show remotely.
Speaker 1: There was one week where Brian told him at the
Speaker 1: end of the show, Hey, just so you know, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be on a flight to l a X, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be in town next week. I'm probably gonna come
Speaker 1: into the studio for the show next weekend, and just
Speaker 1: straight faced from told him, well, I don't know where
Speaker 1: you're gonna be broadcasting the parking garage. You ain't coming
Speaker 1: in here. Really, that's wild. But you know, you see
Speaker 1: this and you wonder, at what point now that society
Speaker 1: has pretty much opened up again, even like the People's
Speaker 1: Republic of California where we work out of, there's there's
Speaker 1: very few masks anymore. At what point there's always gonna
Speaker 1: be those stragglers that five years from now, ten years
Speaker 1: from now, they'll be the mask people that are still
Speaker 1: gonna be there living their best COVID times and it's
Speaker 1: just gonna be the way it is. And it's like
Speaker 1: when I when I was growing up, my parents hoarded
Speaker 1: food and because they grew up as children of parents
Speaker 1: who were part of the depression, and so for my mom,
Speaker 1: she always needed to have like as much as possible
Speaker 1: in the garage, just in case, just in case. So
Speaker 1: I think like for our generation, for the people you
Speaker 1: know around our age, it's going to be the mask thing. Yeah,
Speaker 1: the deal. Yeah, it will always have an extra package
Speaker 1: of masks in our glove box, hand sanitizer. Yeah, and yeah,
Speaker 1: there's there will definitely be lasting things which I think
Speaker 1: will help though, because you know, none of us like germs,
Speaker 1: none of us like other people coughing in our face.
Speaker 1: Hopefully some of the sloppiness from the past were people
Speaker 1: that were too sloppy with health. Some of that has
Speaker 1: gotten cleaned up now well. As I told him, I
Speaker 1: think it was last week's podcast when I went to
Speaker 1: uh to Vegas and I stopped off. I don't know
Speaker 1: if I told it on the air, and but I
Speaker 1: was at a bathroom, a rest stop bath room, and
Speaker 1: it was as disgusting as anything you could possibly imagine.
Speaker 1: So the idea that human beings are going to uh
Speaker 1: not be complete pigs uh And I I don't believe
Speaker 1: in that. I think humans are gonna human and part
Speaker 1: of being human, there's a certain percentage that don't clean
Speaker 1: up about theirselves. They need their moms to follow them around.
Speaker 1: And unfortunately, when you get to become an adult, your
Speaker 1: mom doesn't fall you around. It's problematic. Damn it, Well
Speaker 1: we could dream. Not everybody gets a clean butt. Crack
Speaker 1: from the Asian mystic got to mention that when she
Speaker 1: was done, she took a towel in her privates and
Speaker 1: ran it back and forth. She was cleaning out her
Speaker 1: able cavity like she's washing a car. Very nice. Uh. Anyway,
Speaker 1: all right, I have a great rest, and you're Saturday.
Speaker 1: I got the mail bag. We just ended the show
Speaker 1: with the word an All well, we'll knock it out
Speaker 1: of the mailback sunny. See it gotta murder. I gotta
Speaker 1: go