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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of

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Speaker 1: Couch Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is

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Speaker 1: Kat and I'm the host. I am a therapist that

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Speaker 1: lives and works in Nashville. But a little reminder before

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Speaker 1: we get going today that although I am that this

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Speaker 1: is not therapy or a placement for therapy, although it

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Speaker 1: might encourage you to go to therapy or talk about

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Speaker 1: something new in therapy, and that would be amazing. Now,

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Speaker 1: normally couch Talks is the special bonus episode of You

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy where I answer questions that you guys send

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Speaker 1: and you can send them to Catherine at You Need

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Speaker 1: Therapy podcast dot com. However, today we're going to do

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Speaker 1: something different again because the episode that came out this

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Speaker 1: Monday called single Adults Are Not Second Class Citizens got

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Speaker 1: more of an overwhelming response then I thought, So there

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Speaker 1: are some things that I wanted to continue in that conversation.

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Speaker 1: Also a side note, to be honest, that episode, I

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Speaker 1: was actually having one of those moments where I was like, Oh,

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Speaker 1: I feel like this could be better, or I'm not

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Speaker 1: sane enough, or I'm not saying the right thing the

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Speaker 1: right way or any of that. But what I'm gathering

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Speaker 1: from some of the responses is that it wasn't so

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Speaker 1: much about the quality of what I was saying, it

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Speaker 1: was that somebody was saying it. And if you haven't

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Speaker 1: listened to that episode yet, I highly recommend go listening

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Speaker 1: to it, whether you're single or not. I think it's

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Speaker 1: important for us to hear us to talk about and

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Speaker 1: my whole point in that episode was to posture the

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Speaker 1: idea that single people are not living a life of

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Speaker 1: doom and gloom. They aren't projects. They are actually a

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Speaker 1: growing part of our population that deserves to be treated

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Speaker 1: like whole people. Whole people being the key. So on Monday,

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Speaker 1: I put a question box on Instagram and asked my

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Speaker 1: followers what some of the worst dating advice they've ever

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Speaker 1: been told was. And I'm to read some, but then

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Speaker 1: we're going to do more than that, because I don't

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Speaker 1: want us just to be angry and annoyed and frustrated

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Speaker 1: and all that stuff about these things. We're going to

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Speaker 1: do something with those feelings, which is what I like

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Speaker 1: to preach, that we have feelings and emotions that tell

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Speaker 1: us what we need, and so we're going to have

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Speaker 1: our feelings about the things that people have said, and

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Speaker 1: then we're going to do something about it. Because in

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Speaker 1: that box, some person actually asked, what are some appropriate

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Speaker 1: ways to talk and support single friends when you're in

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Speaker 1: a relationship, And I also think that that can speak

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Speaker 1: to single people supporting and giving advice to other single people.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't just have to be people in relationships. Were

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Speaker 1: about dating in general. So first we're gonna read some

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Speaker 1: of the like cringe things that people have said and

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Speaker 1: the most popular responses, which I'm just going to like

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Speaker 1: paraphrase them, because there are a lot that we're basically

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Speaker 1: the same. And those were you're too picky, you need

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Speaker 1: to put yourself out there more, you need to try,

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Speaker 1: and then there was also, don't try so hard, I

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Speaker 1: don't think about it so much. It will happen when

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Speaker 1: you least expect it, and then we had some of these.

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Speaker 1: So I'm going to read some of the other responses,

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Speaker 1: and there were so many I wish I could share

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Speaker 1: them all, but here are some of the ones that

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Speaker 1: really stood out. You'll meet the right man when you

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Speaker 1: find a good church. And this was said to somebody

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Speaker 1: who's gay. It may take longer for you to get

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Speaker 1: married because of your size, I'll pray for you. You

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Speaker 1: need to lower your standards. Oh, there were a couple

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Speaker 1: of people that said this wasn't advice. But people have

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Speaker 1: said things like, I don't understand how you're single. You're

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Speaker 1: so cute and smart and pretty. Be softer. Most men

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Speaker 1: won't appreciate such a strong personality from a woman. It's

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Speaker 1: not that hard. You just have to keep trying. You're intimidating.

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Speaker 1: No wonder you don't have a boyfriend. This one was interesting.

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Speaker 1: Stay single marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

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Speaker 1: And then in parentheses they said this is always from

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Speaker 1: a married person. Also, we're talking about like dating, and

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Speaker 1: there's a lot of people people that are assuming that

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Speaker 1: everybody's goals marriage, which I also found pretty interesting because

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Speaker 1: some people don't want to get married. Another one. If

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Speaker 1: anyone could be a single mom, you could. The eggs

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Speaker 1: aren't shoveled up quite yet. God will bless you when

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Speaker 1: you put your trust in him, meaning he's punishing you.

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Speaker 1: You're so young, you have plenty of time. You just

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Speaker 1: need to be better at flirting. What are you doing

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Speaker 1: on these dates? There's one in every family. I guess

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Speaker 1: you're just a forever single one in ours, put on

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Speaker 1: a cute pair of shorts and walk by football practice.

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Speaker 1: This was said by somebody's mother in college. Once you're

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Speaker 1: fully satisfied in God, he'll send you a husband. Chemistry

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Speaker 1: means you've found the one, which I have lots of

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Speaker 1: thoughts on that, because that's not true. Your perfect soul

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Speaker 1: mate is waiting for you. You need to keep your

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Speaker 1: hair longer. Guys like longer hair, Pray to Saint Anthony

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Speaker 1: to find your husband. Sometimes people just aren't meant to

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Speaker 1: be loved by someone else. And then something that came

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Speaker 1: up a lot was people that advice or the people

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Speaker 1: who we're saying, like you'll find it when you expected,

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Speaker 1: or don't be so picky, or any of that. Like

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Speaker 1: those more popular responses. A lot of people were saying,

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Speaker 1: these are all said by people who found their spouse

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Speaker 1: or their partner in high school or college, and and

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Speaker 1: they're saying it to somebody who might be on their

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Speaker 1: thirties or forties or fifties. And while that I think

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Speaker 1: all of that is well meaning, it can be really

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Speaker 1: frustrating when somebody says that to you, because while they

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Speaker 1: might have found it when they least expected it because

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Speaker 1: they were so young. These people can't just turn that off,

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Speaker 1: and I just think that's something to be mindful of

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Speaker 1: when you are speaking to somebody. And I also think

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Speaker 1: it's worth noting that there were some things that people

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Speaker 1: sent in that I didn't actually think we're bad or wrong,

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Speaker 1: but to the person who submitted it, they weren't helpful.

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Speaker 1: So it's very important to be aware of what it

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Speaker 1: is that someone is wanting when they're talking to them.

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Speaker 1: Some people want to push. Some people may have tried

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Speaker 1: the things you're saying though, so it's hurtful because even

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Speaker 1: the advice that you're giving doesn't seem to work. So

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Speaker 1: I also put up a little poll asking people well

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Speaker 1: when they thought it would be appropriate to give advice

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Speaker 1: on dating, and the majority of people got it right.

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Speaker 1: The answer was it's appropriate to give some advice when

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Speaker 1: somebody asked for your advice, which can be kind of

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Speaker 1: hard to remember, and also leads me to the question

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Speaker 1: that somebody sent in in that question box, asking like,

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Speaker 1: what are some things that I can say or how

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Speaker 1: can I support people best? Because I might have been

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Speaker 1: getting it wrong this whole time, And before I really

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Speaker 1: get into the answer, what I want to bring up

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Speaker 1: is that we often fail to remember that what worked

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Speaker 1: for me or what has worked for me may not

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Speaker 1: work for you. So what I need to hear, what

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Speaker 1: the person you're with needs to hear, could be different

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Speaker 1: than what the person next to them might need to

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Speaker 1: hear or what you would have needed to hear. And

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Speaker 1: just because we want to say something, it doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: we should. So this brings me back to these questions

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Speaker 1: that I've talked about on here, and there are questions

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Speaker 1: that I ask myself to keep myself in check when

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Speaker 1: I want to give feedback, and I do this as

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Speaker 1: a therapist, but I also use this all the time

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Speaker 1: in my life. And those three questions are does this

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Speaker 1: need to be said? Does this need to be said

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Speaker 1: right now? And does this need to be said by me?

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Speaker 1: So you have to say yes to all three of

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Speaker 1: those for you to say it, and my humble opinion,

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Speaker 1: and I mean yes, not maybe, because that means part

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Speaker 1: of its no. These have to be a yes, yes,

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Speaker 1: yes because sometimes, and I know this is a therapist,

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Speaker 1: sometimes this needs to be said and sometimes it needs

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Speaker 1: to be said by me, but it doesn't need to

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Speaker 1: be said at that moment. Maybe this person needs time

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Speaker 1: to grieve, or maybe we need to build a better relationship.

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Speaker 1: And so when I can say yes to all three

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Speaker 1: of those, that's when I will say the thing that

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Speaker 1: I want to say. And when it really comes down

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Speaker 1: to it, often we're giving advice, and I mean advice,

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Speaker 1: not feedback. We could advice because we want to fix

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Speaker 1: things or make them better or make someone feel better.

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Speaker 1: And a lot of the feedback around singleness just actually

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Speaker 1: isn't helpful. It continues to send the message that either

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Speaker 1: they're doing something wrong or their feelings are invalid. Now,

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Speaker 1: there is also always nuance, So that isn't to say

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Speaker 1: that maybe someone who is single might be doing something wrong.

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Speaker 1: I can't speak for all of humanity on here, but

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Speaker 1: what one person may think someone is doing wrong, another

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Speaker 1: person might find endearing. So a lot of times people

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Speaker 1: are single for really no reason other than that they

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Speaker 1: haven't found their person yet, or maybe they want to

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Speaker 1: be single. And that can be really freaking hard to

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Speaker 1: sit with as a person if you just haven't found

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Speaker 1: that person yet and you don't want to be single,

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Speaker 1: or as somebody who can't comprehend that somebody would actually

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Speaker 1: choose this life. So maybe instead of giving feedback, we

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Speaker 1: might want to try asking someone what they need, how

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Speaker 1: can I support you? What are you looking for from me?

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Speaker 1: And honestly, even saying something like I don't really know

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Speaker 1: what to say because I don't want to say something insensitive,

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Speaker 1: but I want to be helpful right now could be helpful.

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Speaker 1: Who knows. They might ask you to tell them your

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Speaker 1: story of how you found your person or what it

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Speaker 1: was like for you and what you did, or they

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Speaker 1: might say I just want you to listen to me,

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Speaker 1: and I want to event and I want you to

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Speaker 1: tell me that this sucks. So rather than me giving

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Speaker 1: you things to say to people that will blanket, just

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Speaker 1: help everybody. Because going back to the above, some of

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Speaker 1: the things that I got in those boxes, I would

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Speaker 1: have been like, yeah, this is good feedback, but it

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Speaker 1: was hurtful to somebody else. So instead of me giving you, guys,

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Speaker 1: this is what you should say, it's more about how

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Speaker 1: do we open up space to ask that person what

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Speaker 1: they need. Depending on the person, it can be helpful

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Speaker 1: and hurtful to hear someone else's love story, and depending

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Speaker 1: on the time. There are moments in my life and

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Speaker 1: I know very specifically when I started to see my

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Speaker 1: current therapist. This is probably five years ago. This was

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Speaker 1: after a really bad breakup, and I remember in one

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Speaker 1: of our first sessions she told me a little bit

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Speaker 1: about her story and the end of a relationship that

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Speaker 1: was very traumatic for her, and then how and when

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Speaker 1: she found her new partner. And that was very helpful

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Speaker 1: for me at that time in my life, because I

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Speaker 1: was so unsure of how I would ever find somebody

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Speaker 1: again that would feel as good as the person that

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Speaker 1: I was with. In hindsight, that person sucked, but that's

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Speaker 1: not the point of the story. But it was so

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Speaker 1: helpful for me to hear that somebody else had experienced

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Speaker 1: such a traumatic and tragic breakup and then also was

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Speaker 1: happy and they found somebody else. So I needed to

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Speaker 1: hear that. And then there are times in my life

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Speaker 1: where I have been talking about how it's been hard

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Speaker 1: to find somebody or find somebody that I want to

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Speaker 1: be with and that we mutually like each other and

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Speaker 1: all that. It's been hurtful to hear about people who

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Speaker 1: are like, oh, I just did this, or you should

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Speaker 1: do this, because yeah, maybe I had done those things

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Speaker 1: that didn't work for me, or maybe I was tired

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Speaker 1: of doing those things or maybe I was exhausted, And

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Speaker 1: so it depends on the person, but it also depends

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Speaker 1: on where they are in their life and what's happened

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Speaker 1: to them recently and what they've experienced recently. So again,

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Speaker 1: the best thing that you can do, in my opinion,

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Speaker 1: is asked the person what they need, and if they

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Speaker 1: don't know, then maybe you can respond with, well, I'm

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Speaker 1: not the expert and what you need either, and I'm

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Speaker 1: here to listen and help you figure it out. And

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Speaker 1: that might feel anticlimactic for some of you or not

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Speaker 1: good enough, but I'm telling you, when you're on the

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Speaker 1: receiving end of that, sometimes that is like so I

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Speaker 1: don't even know the word like powerful, And I know

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Speaker 1: there have been moments in my life where I've been

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Speaker 1: really distraught and upset and crying and all I've wanted

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Speaker 1: is for somebody to be there, Like all I've wanted

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Speaker 1: is to be able to like go to my mom's

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Speaker 1: house and sit with her as I cry. There wasn't

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Speaker 1: anything she was going to say to make it better,

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Speaker 1: because a lot of times that's the truth. There's nothing

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Speaker 1: that we can say to make it better, but we

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Speaker 1: can feel connected and supported and loved by people, and

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Speaker 1: in the depths of some of that stuff, that is

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Speaker 1: what we need, even if we can't like put a

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Speaker 1: finger on it or a word on it. So, like always,

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Speaker 1: I hope that was helpful, and if you have more

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Speaker 1: questions again, you can send them to me Catherine at

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Speaker 1: You Need Therapy podcast dot com. I've also been talking

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Speaker 1: to somebody I'll keep this under wraps, but I've been

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Speaker 1: talking to somebody who's been on the podcast four who

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Speaker 1: reached out after seeing a post about this episode, and

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Speaker 1: she was giving me some thoughts on her experiences as

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Speaker 1: somebody who's been both single and married and dating as

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Speaker 1: an adult. And there might be some more on this

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Speaker 1: topic in the future, because, like I said on the

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Speaker 1: episode on Monday, we could have taken the topic of

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Speaker 1: singleness five hundred different directions, so more to come on that.

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Speaker 1: I am so grateful that you guys connected with it,

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Speaker 1: those of you that did, and I'm also grateful for

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Speaker 1: those of you who are asking, hey, what can I

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Speaker 1: do and how can I help and how can I

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Speaker 1: be better? Because maybe I accidentally, like not maliciously, have

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Speaker 1: been saying things that aren't helpful and maybe a little hurtful.

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Speaker 1: So I appreciate all of you guys, and I hope

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Speaker 1: that you guys have the day you need to have.

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Speaker 1: You can follow me at Cat dot de fata on

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Speaker 1: Instagram and at You Need Therapy podcast on Instagram and

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Speaker 1: don't forget. You can still rate or you can now

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Speaker 1: rate the podcast on Spotify. If you listen on Spotify,

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Speaker 1: you can just click those five stars and I would

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Speaker 1: so love it if you did that. So again, have

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Speaker 1: the day you'd have. I will be back on Monday.

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Speaker 1: Bye mhm