WEBVTT - Dear Banya: Therapy Thursday

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<v Speaker 1>Scrubbing In with Beca Tilly and Tanya rad and iHeartRadio

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<v Speaker 1>and two time People's Choice Award winning podcasts.

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<v Speaker 2>Hello everybody, we are scrubbing In. It is Thursday, so

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<v Speaker 2>it is a Dear Bonya episode. But Becca's not here

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<v Speaker 2>with us today, and we have two special guests, and

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<v Speaker 2>so what we were kind of wanting to do with

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<v Speaker 2>the podcast today is every Thursday we do a Dear Bonya.

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<v Speaker 2>So it's like scrubbers email in their questions that they

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<v Speaker 2>needed advice on. And we have our guests who have

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<v Speaker 2>a podcast called Therapy Thursday where you're giving advice and

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<v Speaker 2>you're giving your knowledge to people, so we figure, why

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<v Speaker 2>not combine them.

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<v Speaker 3>I love that you call them scrubbers.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, that's amazing. I love it.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, our scrubbers. They need a lot of advice. And

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<v Speaker 2>we are not professionals.

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<v Speaker 4>We give our opinions, but we have a professional here.

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<v Speaker 2>We have Sarah Dash She is a licensed psycho therapist. Yes,

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<v Speaker 2>and you are part of Therapy Thursday with I Am

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<v Speaker 2>you Want and only Ellen Kay.

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<v Speaker 5>Yes.

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<v Speaker 4>Ellen k needs no introduction.

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<v Speaker 2>She is the voice of Los Angeles, the female voice

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<v Speaker 2>on Los Angeles.

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<v Speaker 5>Oh thanks, you are.

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<v Speaker 4>I mean I could go on and on about you.

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<v Speaker 5>But we have friends for a long time, for.

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<v Speaker 4>A long time.

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<v Speaker 2>Ellen K is the host of Coast one three point

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<v Speaker 2>five's The ellen K Morning Show. But I mean, you

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<v Speaker 2>have so many accolades. I mean I could go on

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<v Speaker 2>and on.

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<v Speaker 1>No, you don't need too, Tanya, thank you. That's a

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<v Speaker 1>very nice introduction.

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<v Speaker 3>She's amazing here, Charlie, amazing.

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<v Speaker 1>Tanya and I have been friends for a very long time.

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<v Speaker 1>We've been through a lot of life together.

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<v Speaker 2>Yes, I met you, and I was twenty two, I

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<v Speaker 2>think twenty two or twenty three.

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<v Speaker 5>Yes, yeah, And Tanya was.

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<v Speaker 1>Just kind of going through finding the love of her life, yes,

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<v Speaker 1>and so that meant losing who she thought was the

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<v Speaker 1>love of her life and moving on and also becoming

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<v Speaker 1>a woman, Like I have watched you grow.

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<v Speaker 5>Into being the woman you are today.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, Like I was like a kid, well.

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<v Speaker 2>But you were you know, you know, I was embarrassing, nosed.

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<v Speaker 5>Oh my gosh.

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<v Speaker 4>I thought that breakup was like the end of my life.

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<v Speaker 4>Like I was like, I'm never going to find someone

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<v Speaker 4>like him, and.

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<v Speaker 6>Devastating, especially if it's that first big breakup's absolutely annihilating.

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<v Speaker 2>But like I couldn't separate like my personal life and work.

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<v Speaker 2>Like I would come to work and I would just

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<v Speaker 2>like cry the whole time. I'm like, thank God, Like I.

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<v Speaker 5>Feel like that's part of our jobs though, is that.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, we go through, other people are going through, and

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<v Speaker 1>so it's bringing us all together and relating to it.

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<v Speaker 1>And I think that that was one of the your

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<v Speaker 1>magic sauces.

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<v Speaker 4>Oh thank you.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, when I first started on on air, the Ryan Seacrest,

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<v Speaker 2>alan Ka was the co host, and she was so

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<v Speaker 2>sweet to me, and we found out that we were

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<v Speaker 2>sorority sisters.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh wow, my sister was a Theta Oh my gosh.

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<v Speaker 4>Okay, yeah runs deep.

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<v Speaker 5>Yes it does, it does, it does.

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<v Speaker 4>But yeah, it was just like such a special time.

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<v Speaker 1>Yes, really, this is a special time. We're so happy

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<v Speaker 1>to be on your podcast.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah okay, sorry, good, let's go back to Therapy Thursday.

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<v Speaker 2>So you started Therapy Thursday on your morning show.

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<v Speaker 4>And then but for how long.

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<v Speaker 1>It was just a radio feature. We were probably I

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<v Speaker 1>don't know, almost a year.

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<v Speaker 6>I would say six months, maybe not even that long.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, And then there was you know these research projects

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<v Speaker 1>the company does. So there's a research project and I

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<v Speaker 1>got a call from our program director and he said, hey,

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<v Speaker 1>can we talk? And I was like, oh no, Like

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<v Speaker 1>he got the research back and listened to this, and

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<v Speaker 1>I'm like, really do it? I don't really, I don't know,

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<v Speaker 1>do I? And then he said, I said, why don't

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<v Speaker 1>you tell someone else to tell me? So he said, no,

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<v Speaker 1>this is really good news. The research came back for

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<v Speaker 1>therapy Thursday, and the perceptuals and the verbatims they want more,

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<v Speaker 1>and so I was like, that's great, so exciting.

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<v Speaker 5>And then.

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<v Speaker 1>And then they said, let's make it into a podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>That way we can just like let it go and

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<v Speaker 1>just talk and get the people on with us or

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<v Speaker 1>the problems have.

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<v Speaker 2>More time and have more time when you're on the radio,

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<v Speaker 2>you're on a strict schedule.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 3>And it's so fast.

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<v Speaker 5>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>Really, because we started on the radio, we were doing

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<v Speaker 1>like therapy in three minutes.

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<v Speaker 5>That's what we should have called it.

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<v Speaker 6>That would have been perfect because it was like, I mean, never,

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<v Speaker 6>never over five minutes.

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<v Speaker 4>But can I be honest? But it's also nice sometimes.

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<v Speaker 5>It is you know what, You're right, it's like speed dating.

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<v Speaker 2>It's like yes, because sometimes my biggest gripe with therapy

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<v Speaker 2>is that I go in and I just feel like.

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<v Speaker 4>I'm unloading for a full hour. H and it drains me.

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<v Speaker 5>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 2>And I love therapy, like I see like I'm like

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<v Speaker 2>such an advocate. I love it so much, but sometimes

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<v Speaker 2>I feel like if I'm doing multiple a week, it's draining.

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<v Speaker 5>Yeah, what do you say that, because you're you're on

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<v Speaker 5>the other.

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<v Speaker 6>Side about doing like multiple sessions a week or like.

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<v Speaker 1>This therapy, say, Tanya is your patient, right and client

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<v Speaker 1>and she's there unloading? Does it also is it also

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<v Speaker 1>draining for the therapist? For me, it's absolutely not okay.

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<v Speaker 1>For me, it's I find it energizing. I find it inspirational.

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<v Speaker 1>And I'll tell you what we were talking about looping earlier.

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<v Speaker 1>How you can get in your brain and you looping

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<v Speaker 1>like it's basically like rumination where from the past or

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<v Speaker 1>I mean something where you're just kind of rehearsing that

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<v Speaker 1>scenario over and over, like you're telling the story to

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<v Speaker 1>yourself about the guy.

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<v Speaker 3>Huh exactly.

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<v Speaker 1>And loop it's a different it's it can it can

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<v Speaker 1>morph and change and it can get worse or it

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<v Speaker 1>can get better. Yeah, So that's your loop. So you

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<v Speaker 1>got out of your loop. And some people according to Sarah,

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<v Speaker 1>because you were talking about never get out of.

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<v Speaker 3>Their loop and you can stay stuck in your head.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, so you're stuck in your head. So like, let's

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<v Speaker 1>say that you can't get over this guy, well, you

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<v Speaker 1>keep looping him and so you're looking.

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<v Speaker 4>You only remember the good stuff, right or or the

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<v Speaker 4>bad stuff.

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<v Speaker 6>That's why people have really like black and white memories

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<v Speaker 6>in regard to a past relationship.

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<v Speaker 1>So when you finally got out of your loop with him,

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<v Speaker 1>you kind of freed yourself and to other people.

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<v Speaker 5>I mean, so you broke the loop.

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<v Speaker 4>He broke the loop for me.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, then, but then it was up to you to

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<v Speaker 2>move on, to step into my power, and you didn't.

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<v Speaker 6>And that's and that's okay, that's amazing. That's what you

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<v Speaker 6>want to have happened. In terms of doing like a

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<v Speaker 6>speed kind of session, I think it's amazing. I think

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<v Speaker 6>it's really helpful. Sometimes you just like hit the points

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<v Speaker 6>and I really do never get overwhelmed or feel drained

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<v Speaker 6>because it is so interteresting and it gets me out

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<v Speaker 6>of my own loop.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, I'm.

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<v Speaker 3>With whoever I'm talking to.

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<v Speaker 2>But it's cool that you guys have this as something

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<v Speaker 2>for people like, you know, like because you can't do

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<v Speaker 2>you can't book a five minute session with a therapist, right,

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<v Speaker 2>you know what I mean.

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<v Speaker 4>And so it's like this is.

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<v Speaker 2>Kind of their way of getting a quick hit if

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<v Speaker 2>they need something, you know what I mean, instead of

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<v Speaker 2>like booking a full hour exactly.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 5>Like this lady called she was set to get married.

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<v Speaker 1>Her wedding's four months out, and her husband to be

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<v Speaker 1>couldn't make it to some kind of family dinner. So

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<v Speaker 1>the brother flies in from Miami and he's like this single,

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<v Speaker 1>like he's the man, right, So he goes to the dinner.

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<v Speaker 1>She goes to the dinner, and she's like electrified through

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<v Speaker 1>her body by this guy. And he brushes up against

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<v Speaker 1>her and she was like, oh my god, this guy

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<v Speaker 1>is like turning me on just by touch.

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<v Speaker 5>Then walks through.

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<v Speaker 1>To her car and says, if only we had met earlier.

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<v Speaker 1>So he's like, this is his brother's going to marry

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<v Speaker 1>this girl?

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<v Speaker 3>That's so gross, right and pretty intent.

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<v Speaker 5>She couldn't stop thinking about him, but.

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<v Speaker 6>Like to the point of thinking I shouldn't get married.

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<v Speaker 6>I'm having such intense feelings for this other guy.

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<v Speaker 5>So what do you tell his brother?

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<v Speaker 1>So so That's the beauty of the five minute is

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<v Speaker 1>that we didn't have Like Sarah doesn't have time to

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<v Speaker 1>really dig in and just said, you know, you gave

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<v Speaker 1>it to her straight.

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<v Speaker 6>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 5>I can't remember that.

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<v Speaker 6>I'm trying to remember, but I said, oh, oh, the

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<v Speaker 6>transgression arousals?

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<v Speaker 5>Okay, have you ever wanted?

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<v Speaker 6>It's when something is erotic because it's taboo, and if

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<v Speaker 6>it weren't taboo, you really really cared.

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<v Speaker 3>That much about it. But it's like what's elusive and.

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<v Speaker 5>Bad makes it? Did you ever have that? Tell us

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<v Speaker 5>about your transgression?

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<v Speaker 4>But I never, like you just.

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<v Speaker 5>Want because it's bad.

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<v Speaker 4>I've never been that girl.

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<v Speaker 5>Okay, I don't.

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<v Speaker 4>I like following the rules.

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<v Speaker 2>I like, you know what I mean, Like, I'm not

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<v Speaker 2>like a rule breaker, literally need the taboo.

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<v Speaker 1>Has ever had transgressional arousal? We'll have to ask you.

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<v Speaker 4>That's something I've never asked her, but I think I

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<v Speaker 4>should a.

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<v Speaker 3>Pretty interesting conversation.

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<v Speaker 2>But what I was listening to you were giving somebody advice.

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<v Speaker 2>It was like they were with somebody. The details aren't

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<v Speaker 2>exactly accurate. I'm just going off my memory, but she

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<v Speaker 2>was with someone for like eight years and they were

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<v Speaker 2>engaged for five years and he wouldn't like talk about

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<v Speaker 2>getting married.

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<v Speaker 5>Yes, And he kept.

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<v Speaker 2>Saying it's not the right time, it's not the right time.

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<v Speaker 2>And like you said this line, you were like, drop

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<v Speaker 2>the word time, and I.

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<v Speaker 4>Was like that that means it's not right.

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<v Speaker 5>It's not right.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, And I was like that's a good one, really

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<v Speaker 2>good about it.

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<v Speaker 4>I was like, that's deep.

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<v Speaker 5>Right, it's not the right time. It's not just the

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<v Speaker 5>word time.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 5>Se, So that's in a quickie form.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>Like I'm always amazed by Sarah because she can just

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<v Speaker 1>get right to it because you you've seen and heard

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<v Speaker 1>so much.

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<v Speaker 4>And you're trained to do that.

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<v Speaker 5>I'm trained to do that. Yeah, right, I know.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm always like I'm anytime I have, like I talked

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<v Speaker 2>to my therapist about something, I'm just like, how do

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<v Speaker 2>you see it? Like I'm like, I wish I had

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<v Speaker 2>it inherently in me to like have that ship or

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<v Speaker 2>see the other side, you know what I mean.

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<v Speaker 6>Like you might have it inherently when it comes to

0:10:30.040 --> 0:10:32.000
<v Speaker 6>hearing what's going on with somebody else, But I don't

0:10:32.000 --> 0:10:35.560
<v Speaker 6>think any of us are able to look at things

0:10:35.640 --> 0:10:38.520
<v Speaker 6>accurately in the same way that somebody else can when

0:10:38.520 --> 0:10:39.199
<v Speaker 6>they're hearing it.

0:10:39.960 --> 0:10:42.080
<v Speaker 2>Do you have sorry, and then we're going to get

0:10:42.080 --> 0:10:44.880
<v Speaker 2>to some advice, But do you have any do you

0:10:44.920 --> 0:10:46.240
<v Speaker 2>like clients or patients better?

0:10:46.960 --> 0:10:47.760
<v Speaker 3>I think either one.

0:10:47.840 --> 0:10:49.880
<v Speaker 4>I think clients.

0:10:50.080 --> 0:10:51.719
<v Speaker 3>I usually say.

0:10:51.480 --> 0:10:56.320
<v Speaker 5>Clients, but either one is like they're like they're sick.

0:10:56.559 --> 0:10:59.319
<v Speaker 6>It was going to say it can be pathologizing, right,

0:10:59.360 --> 0:11:00.800
<v Speaker 6>So that's I think request some people.

0:11:00.920 --> 0:11:03.840
<v Speaker 2>So, do you have any clients that are kind of

0:11:03.880 --> 0:11:08.840
<v Speaker 2>like always waiting for the shoe to drop, like my

0:11:08.920 --> 0:11:12.240
<v Speaker 2>life is too good, something bad is going to happen, like.

0:11:12.440 --> 0:11:15.960
<v Speaker 6>A type of anticipatory anxiety where they're kind of in

0:11:16.000 --> 0:11:16.439
<v Speaker 6>that state.

0:11:16.760 --> 0:11:18.640
<v Speaker 4>Absolutely, what is that?

0:11:19.440 --> 0:11:24.760
<v Speaker 6>I think that ultimately that's about keeping ourselves safe because

0:11:24.760 --> 0:11:29.319
<v Speaker 6>we're prepared for that bad thing. And I think if

0:11:29.320 --> 0:11:33.000
<v Speaker 6>somebody is used to being in that space, it actually

0:11:33.080 --> 0:11:36.640
<v Speaker 6>doesn't feel safe to feel safe because your guard is

0:11:36.679 --> 0:11:37.439
<v Speaker 6>no longer up.

0:11:37.920 --> 0:11:40.360
<v Speaker 3>So it's really counterintuitive.

0:11:40.960 --> 0:11:44.240
<v Speaker 6>But if my mind stays just a little bit anxious,

0:11:44.360 --> 0:11:47.840
<v Speaker 6>a little bit on guard, that actually gives me a

0:11:47.880 --> 0:11:49.160
<v Speaker 6>feeling of safety.

0:11:49.440 --> 0:11:51.120
<v Speaker 4>Oh okay, so it's not bad to have that.

0:11:52.440 --> 0:11:54.400
<v Speaker 2>Because I was having this conversation with some friends over

0:11:54.400 --> 0:11:56.520
<v Speaker 2>the weekend and I thought it so interesting that like

0:11:56.880 --> 0:12:00.360
<v Speaker 2>some people just don't have that like that chip at all,

0:12:00.400 --> 0:12:04.160
<v Speaker 2>and then it's like plagues them. Oh right, I'm kind

0:12:04.200 --> 0:12:06.440
<v Speaker 2>of in the middle, like it doesn't plague me, but

0:12:06.520 --> 0:12:08.400
<v Speaker 2>I do have it. Like I'm like, Okay, things are

0:12:08.440 --> 0:12:10.120
<v Speaker 2>like good right now, what's going to happen?

0:12:10.679 --> 0:12:13.520
<v Speaker 6>And you don't want it to steal your joy? Yeah,

0:12:13.520 --> 0:12:15.439
<v Speaker 6>you know, you don't want it to take you out

0:12:15.640 --> 0:12:18.560
<v Speaker 6>of the present moment. So I think it is a

0:12:18.600 --> 0:12:23.240
<v Speaker 6>fine line in somebody who's just blissfully unaware, right, yes,

0:12:23.320 --> 0:12:28.800
<v Speaker 6>and you know, versus our thinking about something you know constantly.

0:12:28.880 --> 0:12:30.720
<v Speaker 6>But it's it's I don't really think of it as

0:12:30.760 --> 0:12:34.480
<v Speaker 6>good or bad. It's just protective. It's just part of

0:12:34.520 --> 0:12:36.520
<v Speaker 6>the human condition for some people.

0:12:36.760 --> 0:12:57.400
<v Speaker 2>Okay, Okay, we're going to get into a couple of emails.

0:12:57.440 --> 0:12:58.760
<v Speaker 4>If you don't mind, I would love that.

0:12:58.800 --> 0:12:59.839
<v Speaker 3>Okay.

0:13:00.120 --> 0:13:02.959
<v Speaker 2>This is from Anonymous. I'm thirty one and currently going

0:13:03.000 --> 0:13:05.280
<v Speaker 2>through a divorce after leaving an abusive marriage. For the

0:13:05.280 --> 0:13:07.440
<v Speaker 2>first time, I think I may have feelings for a woman.

0:13:07.880 --> 0:13:10.600
<v Speaker 2>I'm open to exploring that possibility, But the complication is

0:13:10.600 --> 0:13:13.440
<v Speaker 2>that she's my coworker and I'm technically above her at work.

0:13:13.960 --> 0:13:16.440
<v Speaker 2>She's openly gay, openly gay, and for months there's been

0:13:16.480 --> 0:13:18.800
<v Speaker 2>a lot of flirting, teasing, eye contact, and what feels

0:13:18.840 --> 0:13:21.800
<v Speaker 2>like chemistry. At times, she seems interested, but she also

0:13:21.840 --> 0:13:25.400
<v Speaker 2>has turned down invitations to hang out outside of work. Recently,

0:13:25.440 --> 0:13:27.280
<v Speaker 2>she invited me out for drinks after work, and I

0:13:27.280 --> 0:13:29.000
<v Speaker 2>thought it might be a one on one hangout, but

0:13:29.080 --> 0:13:31.800
<v Speaker 2>a couple of days later she suggested inviting other coworkers,

0:13:31.840 --> 0:13:34.680
<v Speaker 2>which left me even more confused. Now I'm wondering if

0:13:34.720 --> 0:13:36.600
<v Speaker 2>I'm reading too much into it. How do I figure

0:13:36.640 --> 0:13:39.240
<v Speaker 2>out if there's something there without making things awkward at

0:13:39.240 --> 0:13:40.600
<v Speaker 2>work or ruining the friendship.

0:13:41.960 --> 0:13:45.160
<v Speaker 6>I think it's really complicated, and I'm going to say

0:13:45.160 --> 0:13:46.760
<v Speaker 6>what I think, but I want to hear what you think.

0:13:46.840 --> 0:13:48.920
<v Speaker 1>Oh, I think that she should find someone else to

0:13:48.960 --> 0:13:51.880
<v Speaker 1>explore the female.

0:13:51.679 --> 0:13:53.040
<v Speaker 5>Relationship outside of work.

0:13:53.080 --> 0:13:56.440
<v Speaker 1>Outside of work, I feel like she's kind of making

0:13:56.480 --> 0:13:56.960
<v Speaker 1>a mess.

0:13:57.280 --> 0:14:02.160
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I agree with that completely, so accompanying exactly.

0:14:02.200 --> 0:14:05.280
<v Speaker 6>It's not a good idea, especially with her being her subordinate.

0:14:06.200 --> 0:14:09.760
<v Speaker 6>That's not it's not a good idea. And it seems

0:14:09.840 --> 0:14:12.880
<v Speaker 6>like that this woman has mixed feelings about it as well,

0:14:13.080 --> 0:14:15.920
<v Speaker 6>because she keeps sort of moving closer and then pulling

0:14:15.960 --> 0:14:19.240
<v Speaker 6>back plans. Then she invites other people. You know, she

0:14:19.320 --> 0:14:22.840
<v Speaker 6>turns down offers the plans. I think that the woman

0:14:22.920 --> 0:14:24.840
<v Speaker 6>that she's interested in since is that.

0:14:25.400 --> 0:14:27.840
<v Speaker 2>But this is why it's good to have you guys here,

0:14:27.960 --> 0:14:30.040
<v Speaker 2>because if I was just what would you do?

0:14:30.040 --> 0:14:31.840
<v Speaker 4>It would have been like shoot your shot?

0:14:32.200 --> 0:14:35.960
<v Speaker 1>Oh see, I was thinking, see what's asking?

0:14:36.440 --> 0:14:37.560
<v Speaker 3>But you're okay, Say.

0:14:37.400 --> 0:14:38.560
<v Speaker 5>You're her, Say you're anonymous.

0:14:38.600 --> 0:14:42.680
<v Speaker 1>You're experimenting like you don't think right, So why experiment

0:14:42.760 --> 0:14:43.840
<v Speaker 1>with something.

0:14:43.640 --> 0:14:44.600
<v Speaker 5>That could love in your face?

0:14:44.720 --> 0:14:45.680
<v Speaker 3>Correct or someone?

0:14:45.760 --> 0:14:47.760
<v Speaker 1>Yeah you can hurt and you really don't want that,

0:14:47.840 --> 0:14:50.000
<v Speaker 1>but you just want to see I don't know, do

0:14:50.120 --> 0:14:53.680
<v Speaker 1>I like women? Let me go find someone super fun, right,

0:14:53.880 --> 0:14:56.600
<v Speaker 1>who I feel comfortable with, who I could I don't know,

0:14:56.640 --> 0:14:57.520
<v Speaker 1>explore this.

0:14:57.440 --> 0:15:00.920
<v Speaker 5>With and then make up my mind right, But I

0:15:00.920 --> 0:15:01.280
<v Speaker 5>don't know.

0:15:01.640 --> 0:15:07.280
<v Speaker 2>No, it's actually my really smart advice. My advice is.

0:15:08.880 --> 0:15:09.480
<v Speaker 4>Questionable.

0:15:10.920 --> 0:15:15.240
<v Speaker 2>Okay, this is from anonymous friends attended x ex's wedding. Okay,

0:15:15.280 --> 0:15:17.080
<v Speaker 2>So my ex husband and I divorced two and a

0:15:17.120 --> 0:15:20.080
<v Speaker 2>half years ago after ten years together. It was mostly amicable.

0:15:20.600 --> 0:15:23.320
<v Speaker 2>The challenge is that our friend groups are deeply intertwined.

0:15:23.520 --> 0:15:25.960
<v Speaker 2>This weekend, my best my three best friends traveled to

0:15:26.040 --> 0:15:29.240
<v Speaker 2>Charleston for my ex husband's wedding, and I found out

0:15:29.240 --> 0:15:32.200
<v Speaker 2>through Instagram photos. What hurt was that none of them

0:15:32.240 --> 0:15:34.880
<v Speaker 2>gave me a heads up or checked in beforehand. They

0:15:34.920 --> 0:15:37.760
<v Speaker 2>said that they had mentioned they they've said they didn't

0:15:37.800 --> 0:15:39.720
<v Speaker 2>mention it because they didn't want to upset me or

0:15:39.720 --> 0:15:42.240
<v Speaker 2>bring up painful memories. But to me, a wedding feels

0:15:42.240 --> 0:15:44.000
<v Speaker 2>like a big enough event that a close friend would

0:15:44.000 --> 0:15:47.680
<v Speaker 2>at least acknowledge for context. I'm in a wonderful relationship myself.

0:15:47.680 --> 0:15:50.000
<v Speaker 2>This isn't about wanting him back. It's just about feeling

0:15:50.000 --> 0:15:52.360
<v Speaker 2>supported by the people I considered my closest friend.

0:15:52.480 --> 0:15:54.160
<v Speaker 5>Oh that hurts, Yeah, it is.

0:15:54.200 --> 0:15:58.400
<v Speaker 6>I mean, I understand that most people are hesitant to

0:15:58.520 --> 0:16:01.920
<v Speaker 6>have difficult discussions, but I think that's something we owe

0:16:02.080 --> 0:16:03.960
<v Speaker 6>our friends and the people we care about, is the

0:16:04.000 --> 0:16:08.800
<v Speaker 6>willingness to have an uncomfortable conversation. And that didn't happen

0:16:08.840 --> 0:16:10.880
<v Speaker 6>in the situation. And that's why it's so hurtful.

0:16:11.320 --> 0:16:14.640
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, because if you really care about the person, you're

0:16:14.760 --> 0:16:17.320
<v Speaker 1>going to put it out there, no matter how painful

0:16:17.320 --> 0:16:19.120
<v Speaker 1>it's going to be. Yeah, And then to find out

0:16:19.120 --> 0:16:21.600
<v Speaker 1>on social media that, to me, that's just like the

0:16:21.640 --> 0:16:24.160
<v Speaker 1>worst because we all done it. We'd all opened up

0:16:24.520 --> 0:16:28.200
<v Speaker 1>someone's whatever and seen something and go out like that.

0:16:28.400 --> 0:16:30.720
<v Speaker 5>Of course that hurts it. I didn't know.

0:16:31.520 --> 0:16:34.680
<v Speaker 1>That this was happening or well, I felt like I

0:16:34.760 --> 0:16:37.000
<v Speaker 1>was really close with this person, but they didn't share this.

0:16:37.240 --> 0:16:39.800
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, and the betrayal is not that they attended the wedding.

0:16:39.840 --> 0:16:42.400
<v Speaker 6>I mean, she says that the friend groups are intertwined.

0:16:42.640 --> 0:16:45.040
<v Speaker 6>It's that they didn't have that. They were not willing

0:16:45.080 --> 0:16:46.760
<v Speaker 6>to have that difficult conversation.

0:16:46.880 --> 0:16:50.000
<v Speaker 2>They chose their Let's say they had the conversation, how

0:16:50.040 --> 0:16:52.280
<v Speaker 2>would they have it? Because I'm like, I'm not trying

0:16:52.320 --> 0:16:55.160
<v Speaker 2>to run through my head. Okay, let's say I really

0:16:55.200 --> 0:16:57.960
<v Speaker 2>can't even put myself in this situation right now. But like, okay,

0:16:58.000 --> 0:17:01.000
<v Speaker 2>so I'm going to somebody's wedding that one of my

0:17:01.040 --> 0:17:01.720
<v Speaker 2>best friends.

0:17:01.560 --> 0:17:04.000
<v Speaker 4>Was dating in the past, right right, how do I.

0:17:04.119 --> 0:17:06.560
<v Speaker 2>Even start that conversation? Like, Hey, I just want to

0:17:06.600 --> 0:17:09.320
<v Speaker 2>let you know we're going to so and so's wedding.

0:17:09.359 --> 0:17:13.160
<v Speaker 3>That's perfect? Is that not Awkward's And that's the thing

0:17:13.240 --> 0:17:16.040
<v Speaker 3>is it's going to be awkward. Embrace it. You can

0:17:16.080 --> 0:17:17.640
<v Speaker 3>even say this is awkward.

0:17:17.760 --> 0:17:19.919
<v Speaker 1>Oh yeah, I would love starting conversations like that, like

0:17:19.960 --> 0:17:21.639
<v Speaker 1>this is gonna be really hard to say, but it

0:17:21.720 --> 0:17:22.680
<v Speaker 1>can or this is.

0:17:23.359 --> 0:17:25.160
<v Speaker 6>I'm telling you something. I'm going to tell you something

0:17:25.280 --> 0:17:27.919
<v Speaker 6>it may be hard to hear, and you go into it.

0:17:28.600 --> 0:17:31.040
<v Speaker 6>There's nothing wrong with that, and I think people deeply

0:17:31.119 --> 0:17:31.879
<v Speaker 6>appreciate that.

0:17:32.200 --> 0:17:34.680
<v Speaker 2>I know I like to I feel like I shy

0:17:34.720 --> 0:17:37.520
<v Speaker 2>away from awkwardness too, But it's not the right thing

0:17:37.600 --> 0:17:37.880
<v Speaker 2>to do.

0:17:38.040 --> 0:17:38.639
<v Speaker 3>Most people do.

0:17:38.680 --> 0:17:41.520
<v Speaker 6>We don't like we hate the idea of making somebody

0:17:41.520 --> 0:17:45.200
<v Speaker 6>else feel bad unless you're a psychopath. So by virtue

0:17:45.200 --> 0:17:47.320
<v Speaker 6>of the fact that you're not a psychopath, it doesn't

0:17:47.320 --> 0:17:50.240
<v Speaker 6>feel good, and that's that's not a bad thing that

0:17:50.280 --> 0:17:52.639
<v Speaker 6>it doesn't feel good. It also doesn't mean you should

0:17:52.840 --> 0:17:54.520
<v Speaker 6>do it just because it doesn't feel good.

0:17:55.119 --> 0:17:55.520
<v Speaker 5>I have a.

0:17:55.520 --> 0:17:59.920
<v Speaker 1>Problem too with that confrontation, Like I when, for instance,

0:18:00.400 --> 0:18:02.679
<v Speaker 1>there's someone I know who if I tell her a

0:18:02.720 --> 0:18:05.920
<v Speaker 1>piece of information will actually help her life, I don't

0:18:05.960 --> 0:18:08.639
<v Speaker 1>know if it's my business to tell her, and I

0:18:08.720 --> 0:18:10.520
<v Speaker 1>feel awkward telling her.

0:18:10.680 --> 0:18:13.480
<v Speaker 3>What's the concern? What's your worst case scenario?

0:18:15.440 --> 0:18:17.959
<v Speaker 5>I mean, I guess there isn't one if it's going

0:18:18.000 --> 0:18:20.840
<v Speaker 5>to help her life.

0:18:19.840 --> 0:18:22.199
<v Speaker 3>But is it that, like she won't be my friend anymore.

0:18:22.240 --> 0:18:23.640
<v Speaker 3>I mean I know that. I mean like to break

0:18:23.680 --> 0:18:27.560
<v Speaker 3>it down to like a super kind of Oh.

0:18:27.520 --> 0:18:29.720
<v Speaker 1>No, I guess not. I guess there really is. I

0:18:29.720 --> 0:18:31.880
<v Speaker 1>guess it's just more that I don't want to have

0:18:31.920 --> 0:18:35.199
<v Speaker 1>to say I don't want have to have to be

0:18:35.240 --> 0:18:35.960
<v Speaker 1>the one to say it.

0:18:36.119 --> 0:18:38.720
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, you don't want to be the bearer.

0:18:38.400 --> 0:18:41.800
<v Speaker 1>Of bad news and not even really bad news, just

0:18:41.840 --> 0:18:44.600
<v Speaker 1>like pay attention to this, like, yeah, you know what

0:18:44.640 --> 0:18:44.960
<v Speaker 1>I mean.

0:18:45.840 --> 0:18:47.960
<v Speaker 5>I don't know. I have a hard time with that.

0:18:48.320 --> 0:18:50.920
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's so tough because I feel like even sometimes

0:18:50.960 --> 0:18:53.800
<v Speaker 2>like we'll get a lot of emails or people saying, like,

0:18:54.359 --> 0:18:59.240
<v Speaker 2>I know my friend is about to marry a bad guy. Yes, right,

0:18:59.280 --> 0:19:02.720
<v Speaker 2>and like, you know, should I say something? And my

0:19:02.800 --> 0:19:04.200
<v Speaker 2>advice is always.

0:19:05.000 --> 0:19:07.240
<v Speaker 5>No, yeah, let her learn for herself, right.

0:19:07.280 --> 0:19:09.840
<v Speaker 2>Because if you say something and then they're in their

0:19:09.840 --> 0:19:12.199
<v Speaker 2>head about it, and then they end up not getting married,

0:19:12.240 --> 0:19:14.560
<v Speaker 2>and then it's on you, And it.

0:19:14.480 --> 0:19:17.399
<v Speaker 6>Depends, I think, on whether it's just a feeling or

0:19:17.840 --> 0:19:21.480
<v Speaker 6>there's evidence that he was left with somebody else, sure,

0:19:24.200 --> 0:19:29.239
<v Speaker 6>a person No, no, no, no, this happened to tell us.

0:19:29.800 --> 0:19:32.760
<v Speaker 4>I was in college. I didn't like my friend's boyfriend.

0:19:32.880 --> 0:19:34.959
<v Speaker 2>I thought he was like, not a great guy, and

0:19:35.000 --> 0:19:37.840
<v Speaker 2>I told her, and I will never do it again

0:19:38.119 --> 0:19:42.880
<v Speaker 2>because she ended up marrying him. Okay, now great, Yeah,

0:19:42.880 --> 0:19:45.600
<v Speaker 2>and now I'm like the you know, the one that

0:19:45.720 --> 0:19:46.720
<v Speaker 2>I didn't believe in him.

0:19:46.920 --> 0:19:47.160
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

0:19:47.760 --> 0:19:51.320
<v Speaker 4>So yeah, not my rodeo, not my poney.

0:19:51.560 --> 0:19:54.439
<v Speaker 3>I understand the hesitation you had that experience.

0:19:54.520 --> 0:19:55.800
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, it scarred me.

0:19:56.800 --> 0:19:58.919
<v Speaker 5>It was traumatic. Yeah it sounds like it was.

0:19:59.240 --> 0:20:04.440
<v Speaker 2>Yes, I wasn't. Okay from anonymous. These are all anonymous.

0:20:04.480 --> 0:20:04.800
<v Speaker 4>Okay.

0:20:05.000 --> 0:20:07.480
<v Speaker 2>I'm thirteen weeks pregnant with my first child, and my

0:20:07.560 --> 0:20:09.320
<v Speaker 2>husband and I are thrilled. My boss and I have

0:20:09.359 --> 0:20:12.359
<v Speaker 2>worked together for years and are also friends outside of work.

0:20:12.640 --> 0:20:15.200
<v Speaker 2>She helped me grow professionally, but I've also worked hard

0:20:15.200 --> 0:20:18.600
<v Speaker 2>to earn my raises and promotions. This year, five women

0:20:18.640 --> 0:20:21.200
<v Speaker 2>on our team became pregnant around the same time, creating

0:20:21.280 --> 0:20:25.720
<v Speaker 2>overlapping maternity leaves and added stress for management. When I

0:20:25.760 --> 0:20:28.520
<v Speaker 2>told my boss I was pregnant, her initial reaction was great,

0:20:28.760 --> 0:20:32.720
<v Speaker 2>I'll just quit. She later apologized, and I thought we

0:20:32.840 --> 0:20:36.080
<v Speaker 2>had moved past it. Recently, I learned she's been telling

0:20:36.119 --> 0:20:38.959
<v Speaker 2>coworkers that after everything she's done for me professionally, she

0:20:39.000 --> 0:20:41.439
<v Speaker 2>feels like I've taken advantage of her and that this

0:20:41.600 --> 0:20:42.880
<v Speaker 2>is how I've repaid her.

0:20:43.800 --> 0:20:44.520
<v Speaker 5>She has even.

0:20:44.400 --> 0:20:47.439
<v Speaker 2>Questioned whether our relationship can recover because of my pregnancy.

0:20:47.560 --> 0:20:50.760
<v Speaker 2>Hearing that was incredibly hurtful because I never viewed my

0:20:50.800 --> 0:20:53.960
<v Speaker 2>career opportunities as something that gave anyone a say in

0:20:54.040 --> 0:20:56.600
<v Speaker 2>when I start my family. How do I maintain this

0:20:56.720 --> 0:21:00.000
<v Speaker 2>relationship moving forward without taking on guilt that doesn't belong

0:21:00.119 --> 0:21:00.359
<v Speaker 2>to me.

0:21:01.640 --> 0:21:02.360
<v Speaker 4>That's loaded.

0:21:02.520 --> 0:21:04.440
<v Speaker 3>That's pretty serious.

0:21:04.520 --> 0:21:09.639
<v Speaker 6>I mean it comes that's I think pretty deeply inappropriate. Yeah,

0:21:10.119 --> 0:21:14.280
<v Speaker 6>to even make a comment about somebody else's pregnancy and

0:21:14.520 --> 0:21:15.600
<v Speaker 6>their life choices.

0:21:15.960 --> 0:21:19.439
<v Speaker 2>You know, I want to hear your advice on this,

0:21:19.560 --> 0:21:22.800
<v Speaker 2>But then I want to go into a dovetail of

0:21:22.960 --> 0:21:23.720
<v Speaker 2>this conversation.

0:21:23.800 --> 0:21:30.320
<v Speaker 6>Oh I'm sorry, right now you want to hear my advice, Like.

0:21:30.280 --> 0:21:32.400
<v Speaker 4>What what would you tell her to do in this situation?

0:21:33.600 --> 0:21:37.480
<v Speaker 6>God, this is complicated because it is her boss, so

0:21:37.720 --> 0:21:41.240
<v Speaker 6>you're kind of limited in how direct.

0:21:41.240 --> 0:21:43.679
<v Speaker 3>It you should probably be.

0:21:43.800 --> 0:21:47.880
<v Speaker 6>I think there's something to be said for just pulling back, gently,

0:21:47.920 --> 0:21:51.840
<v Speaker 6>pulling back maybe a little bit more boundaried. And as

0:21:51.880 --> 0:21:57.160
<v Speaker 6>far as what she says, it depends on the context.

0:21:57.320 --> 0:21:58.280
<v Speaker 3>In terms of.

0:21:58.160 --> 0:22:01.280
<v Speaker 6>Where she would like to see that relation in the future,

0:22:01.880 --> 0:22:05.400
<v Speaker 6>Like is this a relationship where she wants to maintain

0:22:05.560 --> 0:22:08.560
<v Speaker 6>a personal connection or would she feel better kind of

0:22:08.680 --> 0:22:11.920
<v Speaker 6>moving it into a professional sphere only.

0:22:12.960 --> 0:22:15.680
<v Speaker 4>Right like picking a lane, Yeah, exactly.

0:22:16.560 --> 0:22:18.560
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, what's your dovetail?

0:22:19.880 --> 0:22:24.159
<v Speaker 2>My dovetail is the whole, like the pregnancy culture with

0:22:24.280 --> 0:22:29.119
<v Speaker 2>women and work. I feel like I had a girlfriend

0:22:29.240 --> 0:22:31.960
<v Speaker 2>who got her dream job and she wanted to start

0:22:31.960 --> 0:22:33.679
<v Speaker 2>a family like right away, but she was like, I

0:22:33.680 --> 0:22:36.160
<v Speaker 2>can't do that because I just got my dream job,

0:22:36.200 --> 0:22:39.080
<v Speaker 2>so I can't just like go on maternity leave, And

0:22:39.160 --> 0:22:41.800
<v Speaker 2>so she put it off, trying trying for her baby

0:22:41.840 --> 0:22:43.639
<v Speaker 2>for like a year, and then she ended up having

0:22:43.720 --> 0:22:47.720
<v Speaker 2>a harder time getting pregnant than she thought. And it

0:22:47.880 --> 0:22:50.560
<v Speaker 2>just made me like sad because I'm just like, as women,

0:22:50.720 --> 0:22:53.040
<v Speaker 2>like we do, we have to think about all these things,

0:22:53.080 --> 0:22:57.960
<v Speaker 2>you know, like and it's like such a hard Starting

0:22:57.960 --> 0:22:59.520
<v Speaker 2>a family is like such a hard thing in and

0:22:59.600 --> 0:23:01.359
<v Speaker 2>of itself, but then you add that layer of like

0:23:01.480 --> 0:23:05.320
<v Speaker 2>career onto it, and it's just like tough. How do

0:23:05.359 --> 0:23:07.639
<v Speaker 2>you navigate? Do you deal with women that have to

0:23:07.680 --> 0:23:08.719
<v Speaker 2>deal with any of this stuff?

0:23:08.840 --> 0:23:10.720
<v Speaker 3>I do deal with that, and it comes up.

0:23:11.520 --> 0:23:14.040
<v Speaker 6>I think comes up more often than we wish it

0:23:14.119 --> 0:23:18.119
<v Speaker 6>did because of exactly the reasons that you said that

0:23:18.200 --> 0:23:21.719
<v Speaker 6>it's complicated. It's not like you just decide to do

0:23:21.760 --> 0:23:23.639
<v Speaker 6>this one day and then you just switch into something

0:23:23.640 --> 0:23:26.600
<v Speaker 6>else the next day. If you choose to have a child,

0:23:26.680 --> 0:23:30.400
<v Speaker 6>you are simultaneously a mother and a career person, right,

0:23:30.680 --> 0:23:34.760
<v Speaker 6>And I don't know that our culture is as supportive

0:23:35.040 --> 0:23:35.800
<v Speaker 6>as it should be.

0:23:36.880 --> 0:23:39.119
<v Speaker 5>Okay, I have a movie forew to watch both of you.

0:23:39.280 --> 0:23:40.080
<v Speaker 5>We haven't seen it yet.

0:23:40.119 --> 0:23:44.520
<v Speaker 1>Sasha Varon Cohen is the star of Ladies First. Okay,

0:23:44.680 --> 0:23:46.239
<v Speaker 1>and so what have you heard of it?

0:23:46.320 --> 0:23:46.520
<v Speaker 5>Yeah?

0:23:46.560 --> 0:23:48.720
<v Speaker 1>I know it's band new. Oh yeah, it's brand new.

0:23:49.160 --> 0:23:51.080
<v Speaker 1>I think it just came out this weekend actually. And

0:23:52.400 --> 0:23:57.119
<v Speaker 1>he is just the worst kind of male boss.

0:23:57.280 --> 0:23:57.480
<v Speaker 5>You know.

0:23:57.560 --> 0:24:00.520
<v Speaker 1>He objectifies the women, he puts them in all the rules,

0:24:00.560 --> 0:24:03.120
<v Speaker 1>and he's the man, and then he works with the man.

0:24:03.200 --> 0:24:07.320
<v Speaker 1>So these two men they're just like they're like just pigs.

0:24:08.000 --> 0:24:11.640
<v Speaker 1>Well it's a huge, successful company. And one day he

0:24:11.760 --> 0:24:13.760
<v Speaker 1>is chasing one of his employees out who wants to

0:24:13.840 --> 0:24:16.040
<v Speaker 1>quit because she doesn't want to work for Pig anymore.

0:24:16.480 --> 0:24:19.760
<v Speaker 1>And he hits his head and when he comes to

0:24:20.560 --> 0:24:23.240
<v Speaker 1>all of a sudden, all the roles are reversed. Now

0:24:23.280 --> 0:24:26.760
<v Speaker 1>the women are in charge of the world, and he's objectified,

0:24:27.200 --> 0:24:30.080
<v Speaker 1>so all the billboards instead of being like sexy women,

0:24:30.480 --> 0:24:32.640
<v Speaker 1>it's like a man with his butt cheeks out.

0:24:33.320 --> 0:24:36.640
<v Speaker 5>And now he is the lower ring guy.

0:24:37.440 --> 0:24:40.320
<v Speaker 1>And the people that used to be his minions are

0:24:40.359 --> 0:24:43.880
<v Speaker 1>now running the company, like the cleaning lady is now

0:24:43.920 --> 0:24:46.480
<v Speaker 1>the owner of this other woman he put at the

0:24:46.480 --> 0:24:48.760
<v Speaker 1>front desk just because he didn't trust that she could

0:24:48.760 --> 0:24:52.480
<v Speaker 1>do anything else, is now the CEO. Wow, And the

0:24:52.520 --> 0:24:55.960
<v Speaker 1>girl he was running after becomes his boss. And he

0:24:56.000 --> 0:24:58.240
<v Speaker 1>has to go to all these dinners and he dresses

0:24:58.280 --> 0:25:02.119
<v Speaker 1>sexy trying to get attention, and it just shows really

0:25:02.160 --> 0:25:06.879
<v Speaker 1>how objectified women are in the workplace. And it's just

0:25:06.960 --> 0:25:09.119
<v Speaker 1>so great the journey that he goes through and he

0:25:09.160 --> 0:25:10.600
<v Speaker 1>comes out, of course, he comes out a better guy.

0:25:10.600 --> 0:25:12.920
<v Speaker 1>I don't want to do a spoiler alert, but it's

0:25:13.440 --> 0:25:17.760
<v Speaker 1>a really funny kind of dark dark humor no humor comedy.

0:25:18.280 --> 0:25:20.639
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, it's really it's really fun and funny.

0:25:20.680 --> 0:25:24.400
<v Speaker 1>And then you see, because it's so extreme, you see

0:25:24.520 --> 0:25:28.320
<v Speaker 1>how hard it is for women, like truly hard it

0:25:28.359 --> 0:25:32.679
<v Speaker 1>is for us versus men. Because most of the men

0:25:32.760 --> 0:25:36.480
<v Speaker 1>are the decision makers, and so when they flipped it around,

0:25:36.680 --> 0:25:39.280
<v Speaker 1>it was great because they even they did every detail,

0:25:39.680 --> 0:25:42.920
<v Speaker 1>Like he would go to these dinners, the women would

0:25:42.920 --> 0:25:45.280
<v Speaker 1>be in these suits, and then he would have like

0:25:45.320 --> 0:25:49.760
<v Speaker 1>this low cut shirt on and showing his boobs basically,

0:25:50.240 --> 0:25:53.639
<v Speaker 1>and then he was invited over to the CEO's penthouse, right,

0:25:53.880 --> 0:25:55.440
<v Speaker 1>and she answers in a robe.

0:25:55.560 --> 0:25:56.520
<v Speaker 5>It's like Harvey.

0:25:56.200 --> 0:26:00.959
<v Speaker 1>Weinstein, kind of stuffy, but it's a great and you see,

0:26:01.040 --> 0:26:02.959
<v Speaker 1>I think every man needs to watch it.

0:26:03.000 --> 0:26:04.760
<v Speaker 5>I think every woman needs to watch it.

0:26:04.800 --> 0:26:07.200
<v Speaker 6>Sound funny, It sounds really funny, but it also sounds

0:26:07.240 --> 0:26:09.720
<v Speaker 6>that it touches on some pretty important things, yes, which

0:26:09.840 --> 0:26:13.160
<v Speaker 6>I think is what a great movie ideally does, even

0:26:13.200 --> 0:26:13.720
<v Speaker 6>a comedy.

0:26:13.920 --> 0:26:16.760
<v Speaker 2>I just think I feel like being a woman, especially

0:26:16.800 --> 0:26:22.680
<v Speaker 2>a career woman, is just like such an interesting, layered,

0:26:23.560 --> 0:26:28.560
<v Speaker 2>complex thing to be in twenty twenty six. Yeah, you know,

0:26:29.040 --> 0:26:31.119
<v Speaker 2>like I'm just going through it now, where like my

0:26:31.160 --> 0:26:33.439
<v Speaker 2>friends are like going on attorney leave and they're like

0:26:33.840 --> 0:26:38.639
<v Speaker 2>it's the weirdest thing, going from like grinding every single

0:26:38.760 --> 0:26:44.560
<v Speaker 2>day to them being swept into this like other world,

0:26:45.880 --> 0:26:48.439
<v Speaker 2>watching like somebody fill in for you or whatever.

0:26:48.480 --> 0:26:50.160
<v Speaker 4>Your whatever's happening.

0:26:49.960 --> 0:26:52.040
<v Speaker 2>And then all of a sudden, your maternity to leave

0:26:52.119 --> 0:26:55.560
<v Speaker 2>is up, and then you have to transition back to

0:26:55.640 --> 0:26:58.239
<v Speaker 2>that with like all this going on at home, like

0:26:58.400 --> 0:26:59.840
<v Speaker 2>it's so crazy.

0:27:00.080 --> 0:27:04.800
<v Speaker 1>Happened on our show. So Darlene, my producer, she got pregnant.

0:27:05.040 --> 0:27:08.040
<v Speaker 1>We were all happy for her. She was an unexpected pregnancy,

0:27:08.320 --> 0:27:10.960
<v Speaker 1>like she's like it's an IUD fail, but she was

0:27:11.119 --> 0:27:13.280
<v Speaker 1>the real They were so happy, and she has now

0:27:13.760 --> 0:27:15.760
<v Speaker 1>the most adorable four year old boy, like such a

0:27:15.800 --> 0:27:18.520
<v Speaker 1>blessing in their lives. He came into their world and

0:27:18.520 --> 0:27:20.760
<v Speaker 1>they have she's a sixty or eighteen year old and

0:27:20.800 --> 0:27:23.160
<v Speaker 1>a sixteen year old and now a four year old,

0:27:23.240 --> 0:27:26.280
<v Speaker 1>so he has brought so much joy to their lives.

0:27:26.359 --> 0:27:30.480
<v Speaker 1>But when she came back after her maternity leave, she

0:27:30.560 --> 0:27:32.639
<v Speaker 1>had had a fill in and it was it was

0:27:32.720 --> 0:27:35.760
<v Speaker 1>awkward for all of us, like we were so happy

0:27:35.760 --> 0:27:38.320
<v Speaker 1>to have her back, but then we'd also fall in

0:27:38.359 --> 0:27:39.199
<v Speaker 1>love with her fill in.

0:27:39.680 --> 0:27:42.680
<v Speaker 5>So it was like this weird but great transition.

0:27:42.880 --> 0:27:45.520
<v Speaker 1>I mean, of course, like we missed her so much,

0:27:45.880 --> 0:27:48.159
<v Speaker 1>but I can remember having these conversations with her and

0:27:48.160 --> 0:27:50.439
<v Speaker 1>she was like it felt so weird to like hear

0:27:50.600 --> 0:27:52.640
<v Speaker 1>someone doing my thing.

0:27:52.880 --> 0:27:54.280
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, you know what I mean.

0:27:54.280 --> 0:27:56.119
<v Speaker 1>And we're in the radio, so sometimes she'd be on

0:27:56.119 --> 0:27:58.960
<v Speaker 1>the race, so it was it was all very like uncomfortable. Yeah,

0:27:59.160 --> 0:28:01.280
<v Speaker 1>even and we'd be a woman and then having a

0:28:01.320 --> 0:28:04.600
<v Speaker 1>woman and having done maturnity leave myself and having women

0:28:04.680 --> 0:28:06.800
<v Speaker 1>fill in for me and then coming back you know,

0:28:07.320 --> 0:28:09.320
<v Speaker 1>it just it's it is. You're right, it's a really

0:28:09.400 --> 0:28:14.760
<v Speaker 1>awkward thing because you're also hormonal. Yeah, and then you're

0:28:14.800 --> 0:28:17.400
<v Speaker 1>like you've been through so much and then you're coming

0:28:17.400 --> 0:28:20.760
<v Speaker 1>back to a world that's basically the same, yes, and

0:28:20.800 --> 0:28:22.840
<v Speaker 1>so it's kind of like this Twilight.

0:28:22.840 --> 0:28:25.159
<v Speaker 6>I mean, it's it's a big transition and it's like

0:28:25.200 --> 0:28:27.800
<v Speaker 6>this temporary transition. You can go into it and then

0:28:27.840 --> 0:28:28.800
<v Speaker 6>you're yank back.

0:28:28.920 --> 0:28:32.040
<v Speaker 5>Yes yeah, yeah, you're not even.

0:28:31.920 --> 0:28:34.040
<v Speaker 4>The same person exactly exactly.

0:28:34.240 --> 0:28:36.280
<v Speaker 1>But I tell you, I think your priorities shift and

0:28:36.320 --> 0:28:38.040
<v Speaker 1>then not in a bad way, but in a good

0:28:38.040 --> 0:28:41.120
<v Speaker 1>way where now you're like really super woman because now

0:28:41.160 --> 0:28:44.920
<v Speaker 1>you're like, I've got it's Christmas every day, I have

0:28:45.000 --> 0:28:48.240
<v Speaker 1>my baby, I'm back at work, I love it, and

0:28:48.320 --> 0:28:50.200
<v Speaker 1>I'm and then you just want to like do your

0:28:50.240 --> 0:28:50.880
<v Speaker 1>best at both.

0:28:51.120 --> 0:28:51.719
<v Speaker 4>Yeah.

0:28:51.920 --> 0:28:54.960
<v Speaker 1>So but there is that awkwardness that the re entry

0:28:55.000 --> 0:28:57.120
<v Speaker 1>period is strange.

0:28:57.440 --> 0:28:58.920
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, I'm a friend Mary to it.

0:28:59.360 --> 0:29:02.440
<v Speaker 1>Yeah to a he's a movie actor, so he goes

0:29:02.480 --> 0:29:04.120
<v Speaker 1>away for three months at a time and she's like,

0:29:04.480 --> 0:29:07.800
<v Speaker 1>re entry sucks. He comes back and dumps his laundry

0:29:07.840 --> 0:29:11.520
<v Speaker 1>and we're like strangers in the house again. And even

0:29:11.560 --> 0:29:14.840
<v Speaker 1>though they're facetiming every night, right've been married for you know,

0:29:14.920 --> 0:29:20.120
<v Speaker 1>fifteen years. Re Entry when for anyone, let alone also

0:29:20.160 --> 0:29:25.440
<v Speaker 1>a pregnancy, I think, is a really hard thing for humans.

0:29:25.680 --> 0:29:28.240
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, I mean there's so many changes all at once,

0:29:28.320 --> 0:29:33.560
<v Speaker 6>Like you mentioned physical changes, relationships within the partnership. You know,

0:29:33.600 --> 0:29:36.080
<v Speaker 6>if you're having a child with somebody, then you have

0:29:36.160 --> 0:29:37.200
<v Speaker 6>the career element.

0:29:37.480 --> 0:29:38.400
<v Speaker 3>So it's a lot.

0:29:38.680 --> 0:29:40.040
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, it's a lot at once.

0:29:40.880 --> 0:29:43.960
<v Speaker 1>I think that you know, as women, we we don't

0:29:44.320 --> 0:29:47.600
<v Speaker 1>I don't think we celebrate ourselves enough or or really

0:29:47.640 --> 0:29:49.479
<v Speaker 1>like look at what we do, do you know what

0:29:49.520 --> 0:29:51.560
<v Speaker 1>I mean? I mean I know that you you are

0:29:51.720 --> 0:29:55.600
<v Speaker 1>a big advocate for powerful women.

0:29:56.200 --> 0:29:58.360
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, but it's like that's right.

0:29:58.400 --> 0:29:59.240
<v Speaker 5>But I don't think.

0:30:00.040 --> 0:30:03.560
<v Speaker 1>I don't think that we carry out with us every

0:30:03.600 --> 0:30:04.719
<v Speaker 1>day as much as we should.

0:30:04.960 --> 0:30:08.920
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I know, And it's like we are so awesome,

0:30:08.960 --> 0:30:12.360
<v Speaker 2>it's so complex and like we also feel things so much,

0:30:12.400 --> 0:30:13.880
<v Speaker 2>and like, I don't know, I've.

0:30:13.760 --> 0:30:15.040
<v Speaker 4>Just obviously been having these like.

0:30:17.480 --> 0:30:20.840
<v Speaker 2>Existential conversations like myself, I was a late.

0:30:22.760 --> 0:30:23.720
<v Speaker 5>I don't know, but I.

0:30:23.680 --> 0:30:25.760
<v Speaker 4>Feel like, do you think most are most of your

0:30:25.760 --> 0:30:26.360
<v Speaker 4>clients women?

0:30:27.080 --> 0:30:32.120
<v Speaker 6>I would say about sixty sixty five percent women?

0:30:48.640 --> 0:30:52.520
<v Speaker 2>What's the biggest thing that you I know that there's

0:30:52.560 --> 0:30:55.080
<v Speaker 2>like client privileges and you can't share specifics or anything that,

0:30:55.080 --> 0:30:58.840
<v Speaker 2>but like, what's like the biggest overarching theme that you

0:30:58.880 --> 0:31:00.640
<v Speaker 2>see in a lot of your way clients.

0:31:00.680 --> 0:31:01.600
<v Speaker 5>That's a great question.

0:31:01.800 --> 0:31:07.000
<v Speaker 6>I think it's not really that different from my male clients.

0:31:07.480 --> 0:31:13.560
<v Speaker 6>It's most of it is relational within a partnership, maybe family, friends,

0:31:13.680 --> 0:31:19.120
<v Speaker 6>co workers. So whatever's going on oftentimes presents as relational,

0:31:19.720 --> 0:31:21.200
<v Speaker 6>whether it's a man or a woman, and then you

0:31:21.280 --> 0:31:25.440
<v Speaker 6>kind of dig more deeply into the reasons for that.

0:31:28.000 --> 0:31:29.960
<v Speaker 5>Sarah always says people be peopling.

0:31:31.400 --> 0:31:32.280
<v Speaker 4>Well, I do find that.

0:31:32.360 --> 0:31:36.360
<v Speaker 2>I do find it, like relationships so interesting because I

0:31:36.400 --> 0:31:44.080
<v Speaker 2>feel like two humans. Yeah, we're born raised differently, right,

0:31:44.280 --> 0:31:48.120
<v Speaker 2>deal with things differently, and then you're in a relationship

0:31:48.640 --> 0:31:51.719
<v Speaker 2>and you have to figure out how you do things together.

0:31:52.080 --> 0:31:54.880
<v Speaker 4>That's not a natural thing, right.

0:31:54.880 --> 0:31:57.480
<v Speaker 5>It's not a lot of compromise.

0:31:57.760 --> 0:31:59.560
<v Speaker 6>It has a lot of compromise, and it is a

0:31:59.640 --> 0:32:01.400
<v Speaker 6>huge adjustment period.

0:32:01.320 --> 0:32:02.280
<v Speaker 3>For both people.

0:32:02.640 --> 0:32:07.440
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, but hopefully within that adjustment you kind of grow

0:32:07.480 --> 0:32:11.000
<v Speaker 6>together and it's actually part of what strengthens that bond.

0:32:11.360 --> 0:32:11.959
<v Speaker 4>Yeah.

0:32:12.120 --> 0:32:15.640
<v Speaker 2>I remember when I just met my now husband, when

0:32:15.680 --> 0:32:18.160
<v Speaker 2>we would fight, like when we didn't really fight that much,

0:32:18.160 --> 0:32:20.320
<v Speaker 2>but like you know, you have disagreements and arguments, right,

0:32:20.680 --> 0:32:23.160
<v Speaker 2>He always needed to like step away and like process

0:32:23.880 --> 0:32:27.320
<v Speaker 2>and I used to be anxiously attached, so I would

0:32:27.360 --> 0:32:29.000
<v Speaker 2>need to talk it out right then and there, like

0:32:29.000 --> 0:32:30.240
<v Speaker 2>I could There's no way I could go.

0:32:30.200 --> 0:32:33.200
<v Speaker 4>To sleep, sleep on this and then talk in the morning.

0:32:33.240 --> 0:32:34.520
<v Speaker 4>Like I was like, this is crazy.

0:32:35.160 --> 0:32:37.640
<v Speaker 2>And so it took like a couple rounds of arguments

0:32:37.640 --> 0:32:39.960
<v Speaker 2>where we both were just like having to like be

0:32:40.080 --> 0:32:42.800
<v Speaker 2>like I was like I can't just go to sleep

0:32:42.840 --> 0:32:44.760
<v Speaker 2>and like not talk about things, and He's like, well,

0:32:44.800 --> 0:32:48.320
<v Speaker 2>I can't just like hash things out when I'm tired,

0:32:48.400 --> 0:32:49.760
<v Speaker 2>you know. So I had to like come to a

0:32:49.800 --> 0:32:52.840
<v Speaker 2>compromise and like now we have a kind of a

0:32:52.840 --> 0:32:55.040
<v Speaker 2>good flow going to have these situations.

0:32:55.360 --> 0:32:56.640
<v Speaker 4>But it took a minute to get there.

0:32:56.800 --> 0:32:59.000
<v Speaker 6>It does take a minute, because, as you said, you're

0:32:59.000 --> 0:33:04.400
<v Speaker 6>talking about two different people who regulate themselves differently like you.

0:33:04.560 --> 0:33:07.160
<v Speaker 3>It sounds like regulate like through that.

0:33:07.080 --> 0:33:12.800
<v Speaker 6>Connection through resolution, where for your partner he regulated by

0:33:12.840 --> 0:33:15.640
<v Speaker 6>having a little bit of space to regulate and then.

0:33:15.520 --> 0:33:16.720
<v Speaker 3>He moves back towards you.

0:33:16.960 --> 0:33:20.800
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, but at the beginning, especially if you don't have

0:33:20.960 --> 0:33:23.760
<v Speaker 6>a sense of safety within that, it can be pretty

0:33:23.760 --> 0:33:25.320
<v Speaker 6>destabilizing for both people.

0:33:25.560 --> 0:33:29.560
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, so true, so true, because I always thought space

0:33:29.840 --> 0:33:32.640
<v Speaker 2>meant like, oh, you're going to take like the ultimate space.

0:33:32.720 --> 0:33:39.920
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, space of space mint abandonment exactly. And that's why

0:33:40.640 --> 0:33:43.160
<v Speaker 6>if people are arguing and they have those two different

0:33:43.200 --> 0:33:46.920
<v Speaker 6>attachment styles, what I always tell people is space is

0:33:47.000 --> 0:33:50.000
<v Speaker 6>often good, but space needs to be taken with the

0:33:50.080 --> 0:33:52.680
<v Speaker 6>understanding I'll be back in an hour, you brit me

0:33:52.720 --> 0:33:55.320
<v Speaker 6>back in two hours, I'll be back in fifteen minutes. Right.

0:33:55.560 --> 0:34:00.000
<v Speaker 6>As long as the anxiously attached person has an understanding

0:34:00.360 --> 0:34:04.280
<v Speaker 6>of the expectation, they're usually okay. And that can change

0:34:04.280 --> 0:34:06.480
<v Speaker 6>that dialogue one hundred percent.

0:34:06.640 --> 0:34:08.600
<v Speaker 2>Do you believe in all that, like the attachment style

0:34:08.760 --> 0:34:13.440
<v Speaker 2>one hundred languages, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, especially attachment style.

0:34:13.719 --> 0:34:14.920
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, you can learn.

0:34:14.800 --> 0:34:18.720
<v Speaker 6>So much and understand somebody with a pretty accurate degree

0:34:18.719 --> 0:34:20.279
<v Speaker 6>of clarity once you know.

0:34:20.280 --> 0:34:21.200
<v Speaker 4>The attachment style.

0:34:21.400 --> 0:34:24.200
<v Speaker 2>Do you I feel like, what population of the world

0:34:24.280 --> 0:34:25.440
<v Speaker 2>are securely attached?

0:34:25.440 --> 0:34:26.000
<v Speaker 5>Do you know that.

0:34:26.160 --> 0:34:29.120
<v Speaker 3>Around fifty that many?

0:34:29.440 --> 0:34:35.080
<v Speaker 6>That's the latest number, that was around fifty percent by.

0:34:35.000 --> 0:34:40.279
<v Speaker 1>That So secure meaning no worries, not no worries, not

0:34:40.360 --> 0:34:40.840
<v Speaker 1>no worries.

0:34:41.200 --> 0:34:42.800
<v Speaker 4>My husband is securely attached.

0:34:42.880 --> 0:34:50.120
<v Speaker 2>So he's like, doesn't really need much validation, Like he

0:34:50.239 --> 0:34:52.040
<v Speaker 2>knows I love him, he knows even if we take

0:34:52.080 --> 0:34:53.680
<v Speaker 2>some space, like doesn't mean like.

0:34:53.640 --> 0:34:56.960
<v Speaker 5>The wakay, just like that's a confidence in the relationship.

0:34:56.480 --> 0:35:01.080
<v Speaker 6>Yes, and a confidence in himself where even if things

0:35:01.160 --> 0:35:03.640
<v Speaker 6>go awry with somebody, you know that you're going to

0:35:03.680 --> 0:35:04.240
<v Speaker 6>be okay.

0:35:04.600 --> 0:35:06.279
<v Speaker 3>You don't have that life and.

0:35:06.480 --> 0:35:10.240
<v Speaker 1>Death okay that comes securely attached.

0:35:10.320 --> 0:35:12.719
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, yeah, you probably are securely attached.

0:35:13.040 --> 0:35:15.879
<v Speaker 1>Like I don't feel I feel like we'll always work

0:35:15.920 --> 0:35:20.440
<v Speaker 1>it out and I don't feel anxiety when an issue arises.

0:35:20.480 --> 0:35:22.640
<v Speaker 1>I feel like, oh, you know, well and even more

0:35:22.640 --> 0:35:24.799
<v Speaker 1>as time goes by. Yeah, like I feel I feel

0:35:24.800 --> 0:35:28.880
<v Speaker 1>like yeah, but I didn't like really know the definition

0:35:28.960 --> 0:35:30.360
<v Speaker 1>of that securely attached.

0:35:30.440 --> 0:35:33.960
<v Speaker 2>It's securely attached, anxiously attached, and what's the last time.

0:35:33.960 --> 0:35:38.160
<v Speaker 6>There's like secure, and then you have anxious, and then

0:35:38.280 --> 0:35:39.400
<v Speaker 6>there's avoidant.

0:35:39.640 --> 0:35:41.360
<v Speaker 4>Within that Becca's avoidant.

0:35:41.760 --> 0:35:45.719
<v Speaker 6>There's a smaller category avoidant. She really, Yeah, how does

0:35:45.719 --> 0:35:47.120
<v Speaker 6>that show up between the two of you?

0:35:47.400 --> 0:35:47.920
<v Speaker 4>It's awful?

0:35:48.840 --> 0:35:50.920
<v Speaker 5>No, I mean with with you or with her partner?

0:35:51.000 --> 0:35:52.760
<v Speaker 4>No, no, no, but with us as a friendship?

0:35:52.800 --> 0:35:54.560
<v Speaker 5>Oh okay, yeah, I mean we're best.

0:35:54.360 --> 0:35:56.359
<v Speaker 4>Friends, so like, yeah, it's not.

0:35:56.640 --> 0:35:58.320
<v Speaker 1>She's probably you guys, I'm sure you talk about it

0:35:58.320 --> 0:36:00.799
<v Speaker 1>a lot. Yes, yes, So she avoids what.

0:36:00.880 --> 0:36:05.799
<v Speaker 2>She avoids conflict confrontation, Like she just like she'll just

0:36:05.840 --> 0:36:08.960
<v Speaker 2>shut it out, she'll shut it down, and I'm like

0:36:09.160 --> 0:36:11.440
<v Speaker 2>the anxious one, so I'm like needing it from.

0:36:11.239 --> 0:36:15.760
<v Speaker 6>Her very So how have you negotiated that within your friendship?

0:36:17.640 --> 0:36:18.440
<v Speaker 4>A great question.

0:36:19.840 --> 0:36:24.040
<v Speaker 2>I think that we both know who each other the

0:36:24.080 --> 0:36:28.680
<v Speaker 2>other person is, so like she'll know when she needs

0:36:28.680 --> 0:36:30.520
<v Speaker 2>to like give me a little more, and I'll know

0:36:30.640 --> 0:36:32.080
<v Speaker 2>when to back off of her love.

0:36:32.320 --> 0:36:34.200
<v Speaker 5>So you guys compromise, Yeah, we compromise.

0:36:34.480 --> 0:36:36.600
<v Speaker 1>Do you feel like you're because you were friends with

0:36:36.680 --> 0:36:40.480
<v Speaker 1>Becca before you met your husband? Do you feel like

0:36:40.960 --> 0:36:45.600
<v Speaker 1>your friendship and the way your energies mix attracted you

0:36:45.719 --> 0:36:47.160
<v Speaker 1>to a man like your husband.

0:36:48.800 --> 0:36:50.360
<v Speaker 5>He's not avoidant, but he's.

0:36:50.160 --> 0:36:55.040
<v Speaker 2>Like he's like the amazing And what's funny is they're

0:36:55.160 --> 0:36:55.800
<v Speaker 2>very similar.

0:36:56.120 --> 0:36:58.160
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, that's I'm wondering, Like, did you see a.

0:36:58.160 --> 0:37:01.239
<v Speaker 4>Little fiance is very similar to me?

0:37:01.560 --> 0:37:04.439
<v Speaker 3>Okay, Usually anxious and avoidant pair.

0:37:04.560 --> 0:37:08.600
<v Speaker 6>That's why when you said your husband was secure, I

0:37:08.680 --> 0:37:11.960
<v Speaker 6>was like, that's interesting because more oft than not secure

0:37:12.080 --> 0:37:17.120
<v Speaker 6>will pair with secure. Okay, anxious and avoidant. It's almost

0:37:17.200 --> 0:37:17.960
<v Speaker 6>like magnets.

0:37:18.560 --> 0:37:21.760
<v Speaker 5>That's interesting fit each other. That's cool.

0:37:21.880 --> 0:37:23.719
<v Speaker 4>That's so funny.

0:37:23.840 --> 0:37:27.400
<v Speaker 2>I think I'm more securely attached now, like I was, like,

0:37:27.520 --> 0:37:29.239
<v Speaker 2>I'm like night and day compared to how it was

0:37:29.280 --> 0:37:29.800
<v Speaker 2>in the beginning.

0:37:29.800 --> 0:37:32.680
<v Speaker 6>Well, there's there's such a thing as earned secure. Yeah,

0:37:32.719 --> 0:37:35.840
<v Speaker 6>you can become secure. Yeah we've earned it telling yeah,

0:37:36.719 --> 0:37:37.680
<v Speaker 6>yes you earned it.

0:37:38.120 --> 0:37:43.279
<v Speaker 4>Finally, I thank you guys so much for good.

0:37:44.600 --> 0:37:45.920
<v Speaker 3>This was amazing.

0:37:46.280 --> 0:37:50.240
<v Speaker 2>Tell everybody when the podcast drops, where they can listen,

0:37:50.280 --> 0:37:52.680
<v Speaker 2>where they can watch, where they can follow all the things.

0:37:53.040 --> 0:37:56.840
<v Speaker 1>So it is therapy Thursday. Here's the thing, enter Ellen

0:37:56.920 --> 0:38:00.880
<v Speaker 1>case therapy Thursday. Because we're sending people to the therapies.

0:38:01.360 --> 0:38:04.000
<v Speaker 1>So it's early case therapy Thursday. Like if you put

0:38:04.000 --> 0:38:05.560
<v Speaker 1>that in your Google search or whatever.

0:38:05.600 --> 0:38:07.920
<v Speaker 2>So I looked at the podcast app and I just

0:38:07.960 --> 0:38:09.680
<v Speaker 2>typed in Therapy Thursday and you popped right.

0:38:09.680 --> 0:38:10.640
<v Speaker 5>Okay, great, that's good.

0:38:10.640 --> 0:38:13.719
<v Speaker 1>That means we're winning that working, yeah, because we're like

0:38:13.760 --> 0:38:16.360
<v Speaker 1>we're started pretty much, so so that's good to know.

0:38:16.719 --> 0:38:20.600
<v Speaker 1>When you go to YouTube, it's Therapy Thursday podkay, And

0:38:20.640 --> 0:38:22.640
<v Speaker 1>then all of our episodes are up there on video.

0:38:23.080 --> 0:38:27.120
<v Speaker 1>And then yeah, so Therapy Thursday on the iHeartRadio app

0:38:27.120 --> 0:38:28.400
<v Speaker 1>and wherever you listen to your podcast.

0:38:28.480 --> 0:38:30.840
<v Speaker 5>Every Thursday we dropped new episodes, okay, and then we

0:38:30.880 --> 0:38:34.080
<v Speaker 5>also put them up on YouTube. Perfect. Yeah yeah yeah perfect.

0:38:34.600 --> 0:38:36.239
<v Speaker 4>Thank you so much for so much.

0:38:36.280 --> 0:38:40.879
<v Speaker 2>Thanks yes a, dear Bonnie. I hope everybody got some

0:38:40.920 --> 0:38:44.520
<v Speaker 2>great advice. It's just like morphed so perfectly together.

0:38:44.800 --> 0:38:46.880
<v Speaker 5>O love you.

0:38:47.080 --> 0:38:47.799
<v Speaker 4>I will, I will