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Speaker 1: We've gone from not caring about kids emotions to being

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Speaker 1: scared of kid's emotions. The more you optimize for happiness

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Speaker 1: in childhood, the more you actually wire for anxiety in adults.

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Speaker 2: Doctor Becky can, Doctor Becky can go to voice for

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Speaker 2: mot helping parents break cycles and build connections. What actually

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Speaker 2: makes a good parent?

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Speaker 1: Repair without a doubt is the most important parenting strategy.

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Speaker 2: What's the worst thing a parent can say to a

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Speaker 2: child that's going through a difficult time.

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Speaker 1: I don't care about your feelings. I'm not listening, I'm

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Speaker 1: not really connecting. I am telling you what to do.

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Speaker 1: I'm leading with control.

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Speaker 2: Can you be your kid's best friend and still set boundaries?

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Speaker 1: Kids need us to embody our authority, boundaries and validation.

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Speaker 1: When paired together, that's what makes for really resilient folks.

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Speaker 2: What's the cost of being a good kid who never

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Speaker 2: caused problems?

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Speaker 1: You can't learn to manage emotions you feel like you're

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Speaker 1: not allowed to have. If we can't tolerate the challenging

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Speaker 1: feelings our kids have and we look for a quick distraction,

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Speaker 1: what they learn is I'm a kid and I find

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Speaker 1: my feelings overwhelming, But oh my goodness, my parent lies.

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Speaker 1: Myth is overwhelming.

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Speaker 2: You've said it's not your job to make your kids happy? Yeah,

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Speaker 2: what is a parents to the number one health and

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Speaker 2: wellness podcast.

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Speaker 1: Jay Sheety, Jay Sheddy, see Y Only Jay shet.

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Speaker 2: Hey. Everyone, Welcome back to On Purpose, the place you

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Speaker 2: come to become happier, healthier, and more healed. I'm so

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Speaker 2: grateful that I get to talk to today's thought leaders

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Speaker 2: and experts about the things that matter that make a

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Speaker 2: difference in our daily lives. And today's topic is something

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Speaker 2: I'm fascinated by. It's something I talk to my wife

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Speaker 2: Riley about a lot, and it's something that takes a

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Speaker 2: lot on my mind space, even though I'm not one

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Speaker 2: of these yet. But today's topic is parenting, and today's

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Speaker 2: guest is doctor Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist, best selling author

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Speaker 2: and founder of Good Inside, a global parenting and mental

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Speaker 2: health platform named by Time as the Millennial parent Whisperer.

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Speaker 2: Doctor Becky is known for bringing practical, compassionate tools that

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Speaker 2: help families and individuals thrive. Doctor Becky's best selling book

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Speaker 2: Good Inside has helped over a million people feel seen

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Speaker 2: and supported through life's toughest moments and in today's episode,

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Speaker 2: we dive into how to honor hard emotions, set healthy boundaries,

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Speaker 2: and grow through the everyday challenges of parenting and connection.

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Speaker 2: In all honesty, I've sparked so many of the best

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Speaker 2: conversations I've had around becoming a parent because of doctor

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Speaker 2: Becky Kennedy's work, So I'm so excited to have her

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Speaker 2: on the show today. Becky, Welcome to On Purpose.

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Speaker 1: Thank you. I'm so excited to be here.

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Speaker 2: So great to have you here. I want to start

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Speaker 2: off by diving into just things that you say that

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Speaker 2: really stick with me and I, oh, yes, I feel

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Speaker 2: like that resonates. You said we've gone from not caring

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Speaker 2: about kids feelings to letting kids' feelings dictate what we

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Speaker 2: do as parents.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: And when you said that, of course, I'm looking at

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Speaker 2: this as someone who wants to be a parent, but

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Speaker 2: I'm looking at parents around me that idea that we

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Speaker 2: all feel. We grew up at a time when our

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Speaker 2: parents didn't care, they weren't present, they didn't know what

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Speaker 2: was going on with our feelings and emotions. We've now

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Speaker 2: gone to a place of our kids' feelings dictating what

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Speaker 2: we do. Yeah, talk to me about that.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think naming this over correction is really helpful because, yes,

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Speaker 1: decades ago, I mean probably still some families now, right,

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Speaker 1: it's I don't know, it's say some version of I

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Speaker 1: don't want to go to Aunt Sally's house. I don't

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Speaker 1: care if we want to go to Aunt Sally's house.

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Speaker 1: Put in a smile, put on your shoes or else,

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Speaker 1: and then some consequence. Right, Okay, that would be I

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Speaker 1: don't care about your feelings. I'm not listening, I'm not

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Speaker 1: really connecting. I am telling you what to do. I'm

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Speaker 1: leading with control, And I think there's a generation of

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Speaker 1: people who are like that. Didn't feel good? Yeah, And

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Speaker 1: we also know that emotions and learning how to understand

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Speaker 1: your emotions, how to manage your emotions. You can't learn

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Speaker 1: to manage emotions. You feel like you're not allowed to

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Speaker 1: have disappointment as a kid. How could you ever manage

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Speaker 1: disappointment as an adult? So it's not really the pathway

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Speaker 1: to strengthen resilience, right, But yes, what I've noticed is

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Speaker 1: something completely overcorrected that I would say is equally as

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Speaker 1: bad for kids. Same situation, I don't want to go

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Speaker 1: to Aunt Sally's today. It's so boring. I want to

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Speaker 1: hang out with my friends. Okay, you know what, and

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Speaker 1: then fill in the blank. I'll get a sitter, I'll

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Speaker 1: stay home. I'll let me call three different people, and

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Speaker 1: you see what you can do. And there's so many

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Speaker 1: examples of this. I don't want to leave the playground, Okay, well,

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Speaker 1: I guess we'll stay at the playground longer. And it's

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Speaker 1: not to say I'm against parent flexibility. Sometimes, of course

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Speaker 1: we can be flexible, but we've gone from not caring

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Speaker 1: about kids emotions to being scared of kid's emotions. That's

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Speaker 1: why we let them run the show. That's why we

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Speaker 1: give our kids emotions kind of the steering wheel. And

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Speaker 1: I think what we stand for a good inside is

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Speaker 1: something remarkably in the middle. It is very important to

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Speaker 1: see your kid's feelings as real. That's really what it is.

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Speaker 1: That's what validation is. It's a process of saying to

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Speaker 1: someone else kind of I might not be feeling what

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Speaker 1: you're feeling, but what you are feeling is real, and

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Speaker 1: I am interested in learning about it. I think that's

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Speaker 1: very important. Oh, you don't want to go to Sally's house.

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Speaker 1: I get it, you'd rather be sitting home and watching

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Speaker 1: the basketball game on TV. Totally hear you, and then

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Speaker 1: I think there's a well placed and because that is

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Speaker 1: part of our job. Empathizing with a kid's feelings is

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Speaker 1: only half of your job as a parent. The other

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Speaker 1: half is setting a true boundary. Is what I think

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Speaker 1: of as authority without aggression, which is rarely modeled but

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Speaker 1: is important, which is some version of we committed to

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Speaker 1: going to Aunt Sally's as a family. And the truth

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Speaker 1: is there's a good amount of things we all have

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Speaker 1: to do that are number one on our agenda, that

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Speaker 1: are even a little bit boring. This is one of

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Speaker 1: those things. It's okay if you whine on the way there.

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Speaker 1: I know when we get there, you're going to be

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Speaker 1: able to pull it together. It's not going to be

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Speaker 1: your most fun Saturday, but we'll get through it as

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Speaker 1: a family. All right. What kind of music do you

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Speaker 1: want to listen to in the car?

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Speaker 2: Why do we find that so tough? Why is that

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Speaker 2: so hard to do as a parent.

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Speaker 1: I think there's so many factors, So I think part

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Speaker 1: of it is actually just a lack of confusion and teaching. Right,

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Speaker 1: I think we can get into this bigger conversation I'll

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Speaker 1: just name it and not go into it. Now. Parenting

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Speaker 1: is the last job in the world where we glorify

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Speaker 1: instinct alone. We haven't been taught well, how do I

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Speaker 1: connect to my kid but also hold a boundary?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 1: It would be like telling a surgeon to do surgery

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Speaker 1: without medical school. That's kind of what we do to parents.

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Speaker 1: So it's really hard, yeah, literally right. And I remember

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Speaker 1: going home with a baby. I looked around really like,

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Speaker 1: no one's just a car seat. Like, I remember looking

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Speaker 1: around and no one was coming. I was like, guess,

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Speaker 1: I'm good. Okay, that's what we do. And it's the

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Speaker 1: hardest job in the world. So I think part of

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Speaker 1: it is how can you employ a skill in a

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Speaker 1: difficult situation when you've never been taught a skill and

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Speaker 1: that skill wasn't modeled in your own childhood. So I

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Speaker 1: think that's number one. Number two And this is like

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Speaker 1: a really big one for kind of why right now

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Speaker 1: is this so powerful? So much of parenting is inconvenient. It's

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Speaker 1: just the word that's not talked about enough for parenting.

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Speaker 1: When you have to get out your door to go

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Speaker 1: to Aunt Sally's fiftieth luncheon, which my guess is maybe

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Speaker 1: you're not really even dying to do either. There's a

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Speaker 1: lot of frustration, like your kid is whining, your kid

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Speaker 1: is saying why they shouldn't go. And if I think

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Speaker 1: about where parenting is today versus decades ago, I think

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Speaker 1: as adults we've become less and less tolerant of frustration.

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Speaker 1: We have our phones, we have our dopamine, we have

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Speaker 1: so much more ease in our life. And one of

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Speaker 1: the things I always think about is our kids can't

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Speaker 1: learn to tolerate feelings we don't tolerate in them. So

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Speaker 1: if I have an increasingly lowered frustration tolerance because of

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Speaker 1: all of the ease and dopamine hits in my life,

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Speaker 1: I am inherently less tolerant of my kid's whining.

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Speaker 2: Wow.

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Speaker 1: And then the reason I let my kids whining take

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Speaker 1: the driver's seat and I say, fine, you know what,

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Speaker 1: just go to your friend's house. I actually think it

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Speaker 1: doesn't even have to do with making our kid happy,

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Speaker 1: which I don't think is good as a predominant philosophy either.

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Speaker 1: I actually just want to stop feeling frustrated myself. I

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Speaker 1: just don't want to deal with it. So if we

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Speaker 1: can't tolerate our kids disappointment or frustration, they're not learning to,

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Speaker 1: which is why then it looks like their emotions are

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Speaker 1: making all the decisions.

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Speaker 2: Wow, that's extremely powerful, which is why because they can't

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Speaker 2: tolerate their feelings because of our reaction to their feelings,

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Speaker 2: they now don't actually develop resilience or grit or all

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Speaker 2: the things we want them to develop, because tolerance and

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Speaker 2: knowing how to accept and sit in the feeling is

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Speaker 2: such an important skill set.

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Speaker 1: I mean, this is everything right. I think I'm a

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Speaker 1: visual person, so I've done this before, but I think

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Speaker 1: it matters that. You know, if we think about kids,

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Speaker 1: they're born into the world, and they're born with all

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Speaker 1: the feelings and none of the skills to manage feelings.

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Speaker 1: There's a gap. All the feelings, none of the skills.

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Speaker 1: Bad behavior, whether it's a four year old hitting their sister,

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Speaker 1: whether it's your teenager saying I'm not going to aunt Sally's,

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Speaker 1: whether a kid is saying I hate you, you're the

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Speaker 1: worst mom, I don't want to be in this family.

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Speaker 1: Lying to your face, every single acting out behavior is

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Speaker 1: a sign that feelings are greater than skills. But the

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Speaker 1: problem isn't the feelings the problem is the lack of skills.

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Speaker 1: So the answer to over time having a lot better

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Speaker 1: behavior or something more powerful than behavior, it's building skills,

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Speaker 1: building emotion regulation skills. Kids are not born with those skills,

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Speaker 1: and we as parents, we are kind of the coaches.

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Speaker 1: But I think as our life gets so busy, right

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Speaker 1: as we're more distracted, and just to be clear, me

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Speaker 1: say right away, I'm not like above this, I'm not

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Speaker 1: like you should all watch me. I'm a perfectly present

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Speaker 1: parent all the time. Nor modern life is so hard, right,

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Speaker 1: But yes, if we can't tolerate the challenging feelings our

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Speaker 1: kids have and we look for a quick distraction or

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Speaker 1: a quick exit for them right away, then what they

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Speaker 1: learned is something really interesting. What they learn is I'm

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Speaker 1: a kid and I find my feelings overwhelming, but oh

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Speaker 1: my goodness, my parent lives my feelings overwhelming. The things

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Speaker 1: that feel scary and toxic to me, maybe they really

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Speaker 1: are scary and toxic, and then you know, things can

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Speaker 1: kind of go from there.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think one of the challenges with that

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Speaker 2: is that not only do the kids not have the skills,

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Speaker 2: we potentially as adults have never had time to develop

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Speaker 2: the skills ourselves and no one taught us, and so

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Speaker 2: that pattern continues. How do you overcome? Mom?

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Speaker 1: Gill Ah, such a good question. So let me paint

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Speaker 1: a scenario, because I want to know if we're talking

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Speaker 1: about the same thing. So I'll hear what I kind

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Speaker 1: of refer to before as a situation like I'm going

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Speaker 1: out to dinner with my friends, and it's often I

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Speaker 1: have a group of my friends without kids around, and

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Speaker 1: I don't know, however long a long time. But then

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Speaker 1: I have my daughter my son clinging to my leg. Mom,

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Speaker 1: you never put me to bed. Meanwhile, in this situation,

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Speaker 1: if it's like my house, I've like put my kid

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Speaker 1: to bed for the last thirty seven nights, okay, but

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Speaker 1: still in that moment, it's like, you never put me

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Speaker 1: to bed. And then what a mom will often say

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Speaker 1: to me is I feel so guilty, Like I feel

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Speaker 1: so guilty it's not even worth going out to dinner,

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Speaker 1: Like it's not even worth it. I don't know, is

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Speaker 1: that kind of along the lines? Okay, let's for Okay,

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Speaker 1: So the way I see this, I actually don't think

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Speaker 1: we're talking about guilt here. I don't. I think this

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Speaker 1: is a misunderstanding of what guilt is, so we'll start

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Speaker 1: with that. To me, guilt is a feeling you have

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Speaker 1: when you act out of alignment with your values, and

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Speaker 1: in that way, it's a very important feeling, Like all

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Speaker 1: of our feelings are important for information because it helps

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Speaker 1: you have enough discomfort to reflect. I'm like, well, what

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Speaker 1: are my values? Like if I know showed to this

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Speaker 1: podcast and didn't even text you, I'd feel guilty. It

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Speaker 1: is not within my value system to no show on people, right,

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Speaker 1: that would be helpful, And I think, why did I

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Speaker 1: do that? Right? But what I hear all the time

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Speaker 1: from moms is going out to dinner my kids clinging.

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Speaker 1: I feel guilty. So I'll say, okay, really, is it

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Speaker 1: within your value system? And only you would know this

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Speaker 1: while you're a mother to see your friend some at

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Speaker 1: the time, one hundred percent of moms say yeah. So

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Speaker 1: I say, okay, So this is interesting. This is definitely

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Speaker 1: a painful experience. But this is not guilt. This literally

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Speaker 1: isn't guilt. And here's what I think it is. I

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Speaker 1: think as women especially, but it's not only for women.

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Speaker 1: Going back to that good girl idea, we've developed the

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Speaker 1: tendency to scan our environment and see other people who

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Speaker 1: are upset with us, and we kind of do this.

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Speaker 1: We're like, you're feeling uncomfortable. I will take that feeling

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Speaker 1: out of your body. I will take it into my body,

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Speaker 1: and I will call it guilt, and I will change

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Speaker 1: something I'm doing so you don't have to feel that way.

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Speaker 1: That's not guilt, that's actually emotional confusion. And I find

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Speaker 1: visuals helpful. So to me, if you picture yourself on

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Speaker 1: a tennis court, Let's say I'm on one side and

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Speaker 1: my daughter, who's clinging to me, is on the other side.

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Speaker 1: But instead of a tennis net, let's say there's a

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Speaker 1: glass wall. What will happen is I'm like, okay, I'm

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Speaker 1: on my side. I know I want to go dinner

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Speaker 1: to my friends. I haven't seen them. It's important. It's

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Speaker 1: in my value system. I'm grounded in that. Over there

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Speaker 1: is my daughter who's upset. Number one or two things

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Speaker 1: are true? Can help here? Two things are true. I'm

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Speaker 1: allowed to go to dinner. My daughter's allowed to go upset,

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Speaker 1: to be upset, period. But if I picture that tennis court,

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Speaker 1: the reason that's helpful is I now picture my kid.

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Speaker 1: You never put me to bed. I'm so upset. It's

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Speaker 1: actually really powerful. How many people have told me it's true.

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Speaker 1: It's like somehow those feelings in her body start to

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Speaker 1: come out and start to come to my side of

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Speaker 1: the court, and all of a sudden, they're on my side,

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Speaker 1: and I'm saying things like don't you want me to

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Speaker 1: be happy? Or fine? All cancel? And actually, the interesting

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Speaker 1: thing is, I'm not even doing that for my daughter

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Speaker 1: at this point. That's why it's not guilty. I'm doing

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Speaker 1: that to rid myself of this feeling that wasn't even

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Speaker 1: mine in the first place. And you can't even empathize

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Speaker 1: because you can only empathize with someone's feeling when it's

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Speaker 1: their feeling. As soon as you've made it your own,

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Speaker 1: you're playing your own game. So if we go through

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Speaker 1: the scenario and I do this with so many women,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, so you're on this core. I want

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Speaker 1: you to literally imagine doing this, and if anyone's listening,

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Speaker 1: you can't see me. I'm putting my hands by my

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Speaker 1: chest and I'm like pushing it out the visual matters

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Speaker 1: like my kid's sadness. I am pushing it out of

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Speaker 1: my body and I'm giving it back to them. I'm

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Speaker 1: not pushing it away, and I'm not doing it violently.

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Speaker 1: I'm just kind of giving it back to its rightful owner. Okay,

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Speaker 1: because then I can actually empathize, because once it's back

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Speaker 1: in her body, I can say, Oh, you really wish

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Speaker 1: it was me putting you to bed and not Daddy.

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Speaker 1: I get that, Yeah, I really wish it was you. Listen,

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Speaker 1: this is one of those nights. I'm going to dinner

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Speaker 1: with my friends. It's okay. If it feels hard. You're

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Speaker 1: safe with it. Dad. You're allowed to be upset. I

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Speaker 1: will see you in the morning. Now, when I do

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Speaker 1: that again, my child has never said to me have

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Speaker 1: a great dinner, mom, or that was sturdy leadership, or

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Speaker 1: you use that guilt tennis image, didn't you? That have

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Speaker 1: never happened. They keep crying again. We're not our good interventions.

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Speaker 1: They're just simply not rewarded by kids calm behavior, and

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Speaker 1: the sooner we realize that you know the better, even

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Speaker 1: though we keep wanting it me to to be true.

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Speaker 1: And now I go out and the truth is my

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Speaker 1: walk to dinner. I feel a little uneasy. Oh my,

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Speaker 1: I'm so guilty. But I say, Becky, that's not guilt.

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Speaker 1: I've actually literally not guilt. I am acting in alignment

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Speaker 1: with my values. That is my daughter's distress, and actually

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Speaker 1: my job is to help her build tolerance for distress.

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Speaker 1: And I actually just did that while I kept my

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Speaker 1: dinner plan, because I know if I canceled, you think

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Speaker 1: I'm not resentful of my daughter and not screaming her

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Speaker 1: head off at the time she asked for a second

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Speaker 1: book at bedtime, because I wish I was at dinner

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Speaker 1: at my friend in the first place.

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Speaker 2: And I know you've also said that women in particular

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Speaker 2: feel a pressure because there's always been this idea that

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Speaker 2: women should have a maternal instinct, and you talk about

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Speaker 2: parenting being a skill as much as the kids needing

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Speaker 2: these skills as they're growing up, and women have this

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Speaker 2: unfair pressure of well, it's natural to you.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I think that that's the thing when I

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Speaker 1: became a mom that was so personally striking. This idea

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Speaker 1: of maternal instinct I think has had a profound impact

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Speaker 1: on our culture, right because I'm not saying there's nothing

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Speaker 1: about parenting that's instinctual. I think we instinctually love our kid,

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Speaker 1: or there's certain moments that come naturally, but yet when

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Speaker 1: your kid is having a grocery store milldown and the

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Speaker 1: mom you're trying to become friends with is kind of

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Speaker 1: watching you in the store right when your kid says,

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Speaker 1: I hate you, You're the worst parent in the world.

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Speaker 1: When your kid is delaying I don't know, at bedtime,

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Speaker 1: or brushing their teeth, when your kid lies to your face,

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Speaker 1: I don't take money, and you like see the nestcam

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Speaker 1: of them taking money. We're saying, we think our instinct

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Speaker 1: is going to lead to good decisions. Now, most people

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Speaker 1: I know would say, my instinct is telling me to

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Speaker 1: scream in my child's face. You know why, because you're

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Speaker 1: a parent. Probably screamed in your face because they didn't

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Speaker 1: have the resources they need. Right and over and over,

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Speaker 1: I'd be meeting parents. It was so interesting, and it

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Speaker 1: was mostly moms who would tell me always some version

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Speaker 1: of the same story. They'd come into live event. They'd

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Speaker 1: say it's something nice, and then they would unload, and

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Speaker 1: it was kind of some version of I go to

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Speaker 1: bed feeling awful about myself. I don't know what I'm doing.

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Speaker 1: I'm yelling at my kids all the time. I feel

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Speaker 1: like I'm a monster. I feel like I'm messing my

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Speaker 1: kids up forever, right, And then I would kind of

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Speaker 1: contain the situation. I'd listen, and then I'd dig in

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Speaker 1: because I always want to know when someone's struggling so much,

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Speaker 1: what resources do they have, And I'd always hear the

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Speaker 1: same thing, resources, Like they shouldn't be this hard. It

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Speaker 1: shouldn't be this hard. I should be able to figure

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Speaker 1: this out on my own. I don't know, It's just

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Speaker 1: it was striking if I think about the best athletes

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Speaker 1: in the world, even the ones who have amazing athletic instinct, right,

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Speaker 1: I don't know, Steph Curry, Lebron James, Like, I'm pretty

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Speaker 1: sure they had a lot of coaching. Yeah, I'm pretty

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Speaker 1: sure they weren't. Like, coaching's not for me. I should

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Speaker 1: be able to figure out this basketball thing on my own.

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Speaker 1: It's really interesting. I think people in almost every other

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Speaker 1: field they take pride in coaching. I even think the

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Speaker 1: best CEOs. Now it's almost embarrassing if you don't have

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Speaker 1: an executive coach and you don't just get your advice

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Speaker 1: on Instagram, like you really have knowledge and learning and

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Speaker 1: you dig in and you feel good about it. And

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Speaker 1: so yeah, if something is supposed to be done by

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Speaker 1: pure instinct. Then the only explanation for why you're struggling

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Speaker 1: is that you're broken. Yeah, and I feel very passionately

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Speaker 1: about changing that narrative.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and I believe you are. And to that point

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Speaker 2: that you're saying, I mean, I had the fortune of

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Speaker 2: interviewing Kobe Bryant before he tragically passed away around three

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Speaker 2: months before, and he was so clear about the fact

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Speaker 2: that he just put in more time. So he was

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Speaker 2: exactly what you're saying. It's reaffirming your point. He was

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Speaker 2: actually doing double the coaching that everyone else was, So

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Speaker 2: he was in the gym before everyone got in the gym.

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Speaker 2: Then he did what everyone else was doing in the gym,

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Speaker 2: and then he'd go home and work out again. And

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Speaker 2: so you've got this person investing in doubling down into coaching,

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Speaker 2: as opposed to saying, oh, I'm actually naturally gifted and

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Speaker 2: I don't really need that. Even after winning two, three, four,

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Speaker 2: and then eventually five championships. I wanted to ask you

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Speaker 2: about that point because you talk about this idea of

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Speaker 2: parents not being perfect yes, but being good at repairing yes,

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Speaker 2: which I really really value as an idea because I

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Speaker 2: do think we all want to get it perfect the

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Speaker 2: first time, and that's our instinct, and like you said,

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Speaker 2: the natural instinct, even though we want to get it

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Speaker 2: perfect as a desire, the natural instinct in any of

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Speaker 2: those circumstances is to act out, is to shout, scream yell, instruct, direct, dictate,

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Speaker 2: And you gave a few really great anecdotal examples there,

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Speaker 2: but very real ones as well. Talk to me about

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Speaker 2: what and instinctively do, so that we just normalize the

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Speaker 2: fact that it's okay, because no one's going to get

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Speaker 2: it right the first time, and then talk to me

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Speaker 2: about how you've repaired that. Given one of those types

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Speaker 2: of scenarios of going to Aunt Sally's or screaming in

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Speaker 2: the playground or.

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Speaker 1: Great repair, without a doubt, is the most important parenting strategy.

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Speaker 1: I would say repair is the most important relationship strategy,

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Speaker 1: because I think everything we talk about a good inside

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Speaker 1: is as relevant in a partnership or at work with

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Speaker 1: yourself any relationship. So let's start with this desire to

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Speaker 1: be perfect. I think this is especially true with moms.

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Speaker 1: I don't hear it as much from dads, honestly, and

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Speaker 1: I think this goes back to a lot of gender roles.

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of us are socialized to be

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Speaker 1: good girls, which I now put in quotes because I

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Speaker 1: realize being a good girl just means being trained to

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Speaker 1: gaze out and notice what everyone in the world wants

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Speaker 1: from you, and to become as distant as possible from

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Speaker 1: gazing in and noticing what you might want for yourself.

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Speaker 1: That's really what it means. How can I please do? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: How can I please? How can I meet your need?

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Speaker 1: Before you even have a need? I notice your twitching

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Speaker 1: and you're about to get mad. I also know you

429
00:21:05,359 --> 00:21:07,239
Speaker 1: kind of like this kind of drink, so I'm going

430
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:08,800
Speaker 1: to go make you a nice tea and bring it

431
00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:09,040
Speaker 1: to you.

432
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:09,280
Speaker 2: Right.

433
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:12,880
Speaker 1: You're looking everywhere and meeting everyone's needs all the time, right,

434
00:21:13,359 --> 00:21:16,119
Speaker 1: And I think a lot of girls they learned that

435
00:21:16,119 --> 00:21:19,280
Speaker 1: that's where their value was, and I think that's where

436
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:22,479
Speaker 1: they therefore they feel safest. Right, it's when I'm getting

437
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:26,960
Speaker 1: it right for everyone. Yes, So now we have parenting, right?

438
00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:29,760
Speaker 1: I Mean people often ask me like, is there a

439
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:31,960
Speaker 1: perfect parent? Are you a perfect parent? I am definitely

440
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,159
Speaker 1: not a perfect parent. There's no such thing as a

441
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,800
Speaker 1: perfect parent, and I just even want to say, I

442
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:38,800
Speaker 1: don't even think it would be a good thing for

443
00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:42,560
Speaker 1: a kid to have a perfect parent, because the dynamic

444
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,840
Speaker 1: you establish with your kid, the relationship with your kid,

445
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:50,399
Speaker 1: is the foundation for every relationship they'll have after that.

446
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:53,240
Speaker 1: And I know it's heavy, but it's true. So I'll

447
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:56,840
Speaker 1: say it. The nature of a relationship you develop with

448
00:21:56,880 --> 00:22:00,440
Speaker 1: your kid is also going to impact two they're even

449
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:04,560
Speaker 1: attracted to in adulthood because we're attracted to what feels

450
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:07,639
Speaker 1: like home, right for better or for worse, as a

451
00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:10,479
Speaker 1: natural attraction. So I don't think any of us think

452
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:12,400
Speaker 1: it's adaptive for a kid to go into the teen

453
00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:14,960
Speaker 1: adult years, like, who is that person out there who's

454
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,280
Speaker 1: perfectly attuned to my needs all the time? Like, I'm

455
00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:19,159
Speaker 1: sure you and your wife, that's not the way your

456
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:21,119
Speaker 1: relationship works. Definitely not me and my husband.

457
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:21,359
Speaker 2: Right.

458
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:24,760
Speaker 1: The best it gets is someone attunes to your needs

459
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:28,280
Speaker 1: a lot of the time, and they take ownership when

460
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:32,000
Speaker 1: they don't and don't gaslight you and don't kind of

461
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:34,800
Speaker 1: throw you under the bus or blame you for their reaction,

462
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:39,240
Speaker 1: and they repair. And so if we like play that

463
00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:43,439
Speaker 1: out right, Yes we are, we're humans, not robots. We

464
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:46,920
Speaker 1: have our own emotional life, our own triggers, and whether

465
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:50,200
Speaker 1: it's Aunt Sally's party, or being lied to or even

466
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:51,520
Speaker 1: you know, it's like the end of the night. I

467
00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:53,399
Speaker 1: think a classic one. I know this happens for me,

468
00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:57,199
Speaker 1: Oh chicken for dinner. This is disgusting, and it's like

469
00:22:57,359 --> 00:22:59,439
Speaker 1: everything you've done for the day, and all the moments

470
00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:02,240
Speaker 1: when you fell visible and the other things that happen

471
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:05,000
Speaker 1: that have nothing to do with your kid, it all

472
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:08,560
Speaker 1: completely overflows in your bucket of difficult moments I've had

473
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:12,120
Speaker 1: to hold together, and you explode at your kid. You're

474
00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:16,000
Speaker 1: so ungrateful. You know what do you mean? Kids around

475
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:18,119
Speaker 1: the world would be you know, whatever we say, we

476
00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:21,240
Speaker 1: lecture you're spoiled, and it comes out often in a

477
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:24,560
Speaker 1: voice that's legitimately scary, and it's scary in part because

478
00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:28,159
Speaker 1: our kids need us to survive. So they're like, wait, parent,

479
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:31,880
Speaker 1: I need for survival just became scary parent I'm distant from.

480
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:34,240
Speaker 1: It's a lot to manage. So that I would just

481
00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:36,439
Speaker 1: say is the rupture moment. And I know this is

482
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,560
Speaker 1: the moment. People listening are like, Yeah, that's it. I'm

483
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:41,199
Speaker 1: a monster. I've messed up my kid Forever. Those are

484
00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:44,480
Speaker 1: two different things. Having a rupture moment is not who

485
00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:47,560
Speaker 1: you are, and it's not your future, and it does

486
00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:51,960
Speaker 1: not dictate your entire relationship. Yelling at kids messes kids

487
00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:55,520
Speaker 1: up far less than yelling at kids and not repairing

488
00:23:55,960 --> 00:24:00,159
Speaker 1: after you've yelled. It's actually the not repairing that's really hard,

489
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:04,160
Speaker 1: because then kids are left alone with this intense set

490
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:06,680
Speaker 1: of feelings. They're confused and they have to figure out,

491
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:08,840
Speaker 1: how do I feel safe again? What do I do

492
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:11,480
Speaker 1: to move on? And if kids aren't given a story

493
00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:13,359
Speaker 1: by us to repair, they often make up a story,

494
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:15,360
Speaker 1: and it's often a story of self blame, because that's

495
00:24:15,359 --> 00:24:17,600
Speaker 1: the only thing they have. I'm a bad kid, must

496
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:20,200
Speaker 1: be my fault. When you repair with your kid, you

497
00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:23,800
Speaker 1: actually get to do something magical. I always tell parents,

498
00:24:24,119 --> 00:24:27,520
Speaker 1: you actually get to rewrite the ending of that chapter,

499
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:31,080
Speaker 1: because instead of that one chapter of your kid's book

500
00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:35,520
Speaker 1: being I complained about dinner and unleashed the scary voice

501
00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:37,560
Speaker 1: from my parent, and I went to my room and

502
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:40,800
Speaker 1: I felt alone and I felt really shaky. If you

503
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:43,040
Speaker 1: picture that as the ending of a chapter, you then

504
00:24:43,119 --> 00:24:45,720
Speaker 1: get to go in and write. And then my mom

505
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:50,480
Speaker 1: came in and she said, I'm sorry. I yelled. It's

506
00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:55,040
Speaker 1: never your fault when I yell. I'm working on managing

507
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:59,439
Speaker 1: my feelings, so I respond more calmly, even when I'm frustrated.

508
00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:02,720
Speaker 1: I love you. It actually changes the way the memory

509
00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:03,480
Speaker 1: lives in their.

510
00:25:03,359 --> 00:25:06,480
Speaker 2: Body those simple words that approach.

511
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:10,200
Speaker 1: Memory is an event and every other time you've remembered

512
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:12,600
Speaker 1: that event, which is why something like therapy is helpful.

513
00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:15,360
Speaker 1: So interesting. Why is there to be helpful? My childhood

514
00:25:15,359 --> 00:25:19,520
Speaker 1: didn't change, but remembering certain things in the context of

515
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:23,919
Speaker 1: a new relationship changes the way the original memory lives

516
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:27,880
Speaker 1: in your body. You change the story around the memory. Yes,

517
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:29,840
Speaker 1: and so every time you repair, whether it was a

518
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:31,960
Speaker 1: quick hey, I'm sorry, let me try that again. I'm

519
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:35,800
Speaker 1: sorry for yelling, you know at you earlier, or hey,

520
00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:37,919
Speaker 1: I listened to those podcast I heard a couple of things,

521
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,159
Speaker 1: and I think there were a lot of years I

522
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:42,440
Speaker 1: just sent you to your room. I think there were

523
00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:44,359
Speaker 1: a lot of years I never heard your side of

524
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:47,600
Speaker 1: the story, and I'm guessing that just felt really bad.

525
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:51,439
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, And look, we definitely might need time to

526
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:53,320
Speaker 1: cool off when things are hot, but I'm going to

527
00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:56,639
Speaker 1: really try to come to you and better understand instead

528
00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:58,400
Speaker 1: of judge, and I want you to know I care

529
00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:01,800
Speaker 1: about that. I mean the way that lands in someone's

530
00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:04,959
Speaker 1: body to reopen a file and kind of give it

531
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:08,040
Speaker 1: a different ending. Yeah, I believe it's the most powerful

532
00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:08,560
Speaker 1: thing we can do.

533
00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:11,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, even if they don't react well in the moment.

534
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:14,640
Speaker 1: Yes, And this is what I want to undo, the fantasy,

535
00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:17,119
Speaker 1: Like I go to my teenage son and I'm like,

536
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,879
Speaker 1: I'm so prepared. And you know, when I picture my

537
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:24,360
Speaker 1: teenage son saying Mom, I've been waiting for you to

538
00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:26,800
Speaker 1: say no, my teenage son is going to roll his

539
00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:29,600
Speaker 1: eyes and be like, you're being so weird, get out

540
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:33,040
Speaker 1: of my room. But in a way, a lot of us,

541
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:36,880
Speaker 1: when we hear something emotionally resonant in our best kind

542
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:38,720
Speaker 1: of moments, we say to someone else, I just need

543
00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:41,480
Speaker 1: to digest this. Yes, that's what most kids are saying,

544
00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:43,040
Speaker 1: whether it's a TODLD they're saying I need a snack,

545
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:45,040
Speaker 1: or it's my teenager saying you're being weird, good out

546
00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:47,399
Speaker 1: of my room. I really think they're saying that was

547
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,399
Speaker 1: a lot and I actually just need to kind of

548
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:52,480
Speaker 1: push it away for a moment so I can ingest

549
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:55,400
Speaker 1: it in my own time. So I would say, don't

550
00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:58,720
Speaker 1: take the bait, trust that it mattered, move on, don't

551
00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:01,480
Speaker 1: force the conversation. And I have a feeling you'll see

552
00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:02,760
Speaker 1: evidence of the impact later.

553
00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:05,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, the point about repairing really lands well because I

554
00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:08,080
Speaker 2: was thinking about when we were all learning how to drive,

555
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,880
Speaker 2: it was inevitable that at some point we'd have an accident.

556
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:14,440
Speaker 2: So you wanted to be mindful. You didn't want to

557
00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:16,240
Speaker 2: be neglectful when you were a driver and when you

558
00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:18,880
Speaker 2: were trained. I've had car accidents, and I think I'm

559
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:21,240
Speaker 2: a pretty good driver. I'm assuming with your nodding right

560
00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:23,040
Speaker 2: there with you, you've had a car accident. My wife said,

561
00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:26,280
Speaker 2: car accidents, thankfully, nothing too dangerous for any of us

562
00:27:26,359 --> 00:27:29,560
Speaker 2: and anyone I know. But the reality is you're going

563
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:32,520
Speaker 2: to have some sort of an accident, and the biggest

564
00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:34,720
Speaker 2: mistake you can make is to not repair your car

565
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:36,840
Speaker 2: when you have an accident and just keep driving that

566
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:39,280
Speaker 2: car around and getting into more accidents. And so that

567
00:27:39,359 --> 00:27:41,960
Speaker 2: lands really, really well, because it would be really strange

568
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,160
Speaker 2: if someone had told me that I was never allowed

569
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:48,280
Speaker 2: to scratch my alloys or a rim, or a hub

570
00:27:48,359 --> 00:27:51,080
Speaker 2: cap or a side of my car, and I had

571
00:27:51,119 --> 00:27:54,000
Speaker 2: to drive with that level of I would probably have

572
00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:56,880
Speaker 2: an accident simply because I was overthinking the whole thing.

573
00:27:57,040 --> 00:27:59,600
Speaker 1: That's right, Or stay in your room all day.

574
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:01,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, you won't even go out, right, I.

575
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:06,200
Speaker 1: Mean, a life worth living has inherent risk, right, And

576
00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:09,960
Speaker 1: so yeah, I think that's a really good metaphor. You're

577
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:12,520
Speaker 1: going to make mistakes as a parent, and if you

578
00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:14,399
Speaker 1: see that as kind of a feature, not a bug,

579
00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:18,200
Speaker 1: then then you can change the focus to Okay, what now.

580
00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:20,320
Speaker 1: And look, while we're talking about repair, I think it's

581
00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:23,480
Speaker 1: important to get in that one of the biggest things

582
00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:25,240
Speaker 1: that gets in our way of repairing with our kid

583
00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:28,600
Speaker 1: is that most of us haven't learned to repair with ourselves.

584
00:28:29,119 --> 00:28:31,280
Speaker 1: Because what happens is we do this thing. I yell

585
00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:33,679
Speaker 1: at my kid, I say they're spoiled, brat whatever happens

586
00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:36,640
Speaker 1: in the kitchen. When my son simply says, maybe it's

587
00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:39,040
Speaker 1: even just chicken for dinner again, but it's just enough

588
00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:40,880
Speaker 1: for you know, it feels like he's telling me I'm

589
00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:43,520
Speaker 1: a bad mom, you know, or something like that. So

590
00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:46,479
Speaker 1: I've done this thing. And for so many people, they

591
00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,240
Speaker 1: might have someone in their life or like this person

592
00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:51,000
Speaker 1: is so stubborn they never apologize, they're so cold hearted.

593
00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:53,720
Speaker 1: I see it a little differently. I tend to use

594
00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:57,920
Speaker 1: like a most generous interpretation MGI perspective. I think people

595
00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:01,160
Speaker 1: who really don't apologize, they've a really hard time separating

596
00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:04,400
Speaker 1: identity from behavior. And that idea of separating who we

597
00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:07,960
Speaker 1: are from what we do, identity from behavior is like

598
00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:09,880
Speaker 1: a core principle, a good inside, and a core way

599
00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:12,720
Speaker 1: we teach parents to see themselves and their kids right.

600
00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:16,320
Speaker 1: It's the difference between I yelled and I'm a monster

601
00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:20,320
Speaker 1: versus I am a good parent who had a moment

602
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:22,680
Speaker 1: I'm really not proud of. And I actually find doing

603
00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:24,880
Speaker 1: that with our hands really powerful because you can see

604
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:28,720
Speaker 1: the difference. I'm a good parent identity one hand, who

605
00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:32,560
Speaker 1: did something I'm not proud of another hand, Versus I yelled,

606
00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:35,080
Speaker 1: I'm a monster, something's wrong with me. It's an immediate

607
00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:38,320
Speaker 1: there's no separation. We can't repair from this place. We

608
00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:41,000
Speaker 1: can't even function from this place. The saddest thing is

609
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:44,160
Speaker 1: we can't learn from this place. It's shame. Right. Shame

610
00:29:44,240 --> 00:29:47,680
Speaker 1: is an animal defense freeze response. We all should know.

611
00:29:47,760 --> 00:29:51,320
Speaker 1: Right when you are frozen, you can't make movement. And

612
00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:54,080
Speaker 1: so people who don't apologize. They usually have to hold

613
00:29:54,120 --> 00:29:56,640
Speaker 1: this thing they did so far away from them they

614
00:29:56,640 --> 00:29:59,880
Speaker 1: can't even look at it because it feels so eviscerating

615
00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:03,080
Speaker 1: to their identity. So I actually think a first step

616
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:05,800
Speaker 1: for repair, I just yelled at my kid. I mean,

617
00:30:06,040 --> 00:30:09,280
Speaker 1: very practically, for me, if I'm in some shame spiral,

618
00:30:09,320 --> 00:30:12,920
Speaker 1: I sit somewhere quiets, often my bathroom, I close the door,

619
00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:14,960
Speaker 1: send the toilet, I put in my hand, in my heart,

620
00:30:15,040 --> 00:30:16,800
Speaker 1: put my feet on the ground, and I do say

621
00:30:16,800 --> 00:30:20,520
Speaker 1: to myself a bunch of times five, ten, sometimes twenty, Okay, Becky,

622
00:30:20,840 --> 00:30:23,760
Speaker 1: I made a mistake. I'm a good parent who did

623
00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:25,920
Speaker 1: something I'm not proud of. Even I'm a good parent

624
00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:29,760
Speaker 1: who yelled like I'm a good parent who forces us

625
00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:33,000
Speaker 1: as a sentence structure to separate those two things. And

626
00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:36,440
Speaker 1: then it's interesting, I'm in a place where I can

627
00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:39,080
Speaker 1: think about it more. Also, even before repair with my kid,

628
00:30:39,120 --> 00:30:40,960
Speaker 1: what was going on. I had a really bad day.

629
00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:42,920
Speaker 1: I honestly I haven't worked out in a while. I

630
00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:45,600
Speaker 1: know that's something I need to do for myself. I

631
00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:48,280
Speaker 1: was really frustrated from work, and I honestly just did

632
00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:50,080
Speaker 1: not take a moment, and my lobby to sit down

633
00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:51,680
Speaker 1: and talk to myself about it. And you know what,

634
00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:54,280
Speaker 1: I was probably just a ticking time Bob. I need

635
00:30:54,280 --> 00:30:56,160
Speaker 1: to a couple things. I need to look at my

636
00:30:56,160 --> 00:30:58,240
Speaker 1: calendar and do something for me. I need to take

637
00:30:58,280 --> 00:31:00,120
Speaker 1: some deep breast in the middle of the day. I

638
00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:02,720
Speaker 1: need to sit in my lobby before I go upstairs

639
00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:04,480
Speaker 1: and say, what was the most stressful part of my day.

640
00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:06,120
Speaker 1: Let me write about it, Let me do something to

641
00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:09,960
Speaker 1: manage my emotions. The only reason I can go through

642
00:31:09,960 --> 00:31:13,720
Speaker 1: that learning process is actually because I've been able to

643
00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:17,120
Speaker 1: separate what I did from who I was, and now

644
00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:19,080
Speaker 1: I can go to my son or my daughter, whoever

645
00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:21,360
Speaker 1: it isn't actually give them a repair. And the other

646
00:31:21,400 --> 00:31:23,440
Speaker 1: thing is when we don't repair with ourselves, we do

647
00:31:23,520 --> 00:31:25,880
Speaker 1: weird repairs with our kids, and they're not repairs. They're

648
00:31:25,880 --> 00:31:28,040
Speaker 1: either I'm sorry I yelled, but if you didn't complain

649
00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:30,280
Speaker 1: about dinner, it wouldn't have happened. That is not a repair.

650
00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:34,920
Speaker 1: Or we say something like I'm sorry, I yelled, It's okay, right,

651
00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:38,640
Speaker 1: it's okay, right, you forgive me, Like we ask our

652
00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:41,760
Speaker 1: kid to do our job for us, like I picture

653
00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:43,720
Speaker 1: like this five year old kid is like you're you're

654
00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:46,520
Speaker 1: asking me to take care of your emotions after you

655
00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:50,280
Speaker 1: yelled at me. That is not a relationship pattern we

656
00:31:50,320 --> 00:31:51,840
Speaker 1: want to establish. Right.

657
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:55,440
Speaker 2: That resonates so strongly. I feel like if you don't

658
00:31:55,480 --> 00:31:57,720
Speaker 2: go back and do the separation of the identity and

659
00:31:57,760 --> 00:32:01,080
Speaker 2: behavior on your own, the kid actually just goes I'm

660
00:32:01,120 --> 00:32:03,200
Speaker 2: just not going to say how I feel around mom

661
00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:06,760
Speaker 2: and dad or mom's just angry or dad's just mad

662
00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:09,640
Speaker 2: or whatever, and then that becomes the label. Whereas when

663
00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:11,480
Speaker 2: you actually get to go up to them and say, hey,

664
00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:13,400
Speaker 2: I had a really tough day at work today, that

665
00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:15,840
Speaker 2: doesn't excuse how I behaved with you. Yeah, I'm really

666
00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:20,440
Speaker 2: sorry about it, and you know yeah, and then you

667
00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:23,280
Speaker 2: know that kind of ability to even get them to

668
00:32:23,280 --> 00:32:26,440
Speaker 2: have some context without making it their fault. I think

669
00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:29,320
Speaker 2: what you're saying, when we repair wrongly, we may give

670
00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:31,239
Speaker 2: them the context, but make it their fault. Like, hey,

671
00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:32,560
Speaker 2: I had a really tough day today, So if you

672
00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:35,320
Speaker 2: didn't say chicken wasn't terrible, I would have been fine.

673
00:32:35,840 --> 00:32:37,479
Speaker 2: So I hope you understand I had a bad day.

674
00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:39,120
Speaker 2: And it's like, oh, well wait a minute, Like that's

675
00:32:39,120 --> 00:32:41,040
Speaker 2: too much for me to handle, right, now.

676
00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:43,680
Speaker 1: That's exactly right. And the thing that always like creeps

677
00:32:43,680 --> 00:32:45,960
Speaker 1: me out in a good way because it makes me

678
00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:48,600
Speaker 1: not do this is I picture my son I don't

679
00:32:48,640 --> 00:32:51,040
Speaker 1: know now he's thirty forty. Let's say he's partnered in

680
00:32:51,040 --> 00:32:53,640
Speaker 1: a matter's house visiting and he like screams at his

681
00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:55,719
Speaker 1: partner I don't know, in a nasty way, and then

682
00:32:55,760 --> 00:32:58,760
Speaker 1: I hear him say, look, I'm sorry I yelled, but

683
00:32:58,800 --> 00:33:01,120
Speaker 1: if you had remembered toilet paper like I asked you,

684
00:33:01,200 --> 00:33:06,120
Speaker 1: I wouldn't have yelled. I'd be like, ooh, this feels

685
00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:07,640
Speaker 1: like I don't want to be here it this is

686
00:33:07,680 --> 00:33:12,040
Speaker 1: a bad situation. But if if I've always repaired in

687
00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:15,360
Speaker 1: his childhood by saying, I'm sorry I did a bad thing,

688
00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:18,480
Speaker 1: but look, at the end of the day, your behavior

689
00:33:18,600 --> 00:33:20,840
Speaker 1: caused me to do that thing, why would I be

690
00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:23,640
Speaker 1: surprised that that's what he takes into the world. Right?

691
00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:25,440
Speaker 1: And then I just want to answer a question that's

692
00:33:25,480 --> 00:33:27,239
Speaker 1: I know, not actively being asked, but it comes up

693
00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:29,800
Speaker 1: every time because my parents are like, but can't my

694
00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:31,720
Speaker 1: kid ask if we could have a different dinner in

695
00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:34,920
Speaker 1: a nicer way, or Okay, maybe I didn't yell because

696
00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:37,000
Speaker 1: my kid didn't listen about putting on his shoes, But

697
00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:39,120
Speaker 1: if my kid put on his shoes, it wouldn't have happened.

698
00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:41,880
Speaker 1: Help me reconcile, separate the two things. I would say,

699
00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:45,360
Speaker 1: do a real repair and then give yourself very practically,

700
00:33:45,480 --> 00:33:48,800
Speaker 1: like twenty four hours, have a very different conversation, which

701
00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:50,800
Speaker 1: might be, Look, there's gonna be some days you don't

702
00:33:50,840 --> 00:33:53,760
Speaker 1: like dinner. Is there a way you could tell me

703
00:33:53,760 --> 00:33:56,400
Speaker 1: you don't like dinner that's equally as true for you

704
00:33:56,440 --> 00:33:59,360
Speaker 1: as it is respectful for someone else. Or my four

705
00:33:59,400 --> 00:34:01,200
Speaker 1: year old won't put on his shoes or her shoes.

706
00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:04,000
Speaker 1: Twenty four hours later, after I say sorry, hey, mornings

707
00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:06,200
Speaker 1: have been really tough for both of us, I wonder

708
00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:08,919
Speaker 1: if there's anything we can think about together that would

709
00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:12,880
Speaker 1: make putting on shoes easier. I totally understand that's realistic,

710
00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:15,600
Speaker 1: but just don't don't collapse them together.

711
00:34:15,760 --> 00:34:19,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's the point. Yeah. Usually again, we do extremes.

712
00:34:19,200 --> 00:34:21,959
Speaker 2: We either disappear and hope then tomorrow is a new day,

713
00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:25,719
Speaker 2: which doesn't work, or we try and do everything in

714
00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:28,280
Speaker 2: that first go at it and then then it collapses

715
00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:31,680
Speaker 2: too before we dive into the next moment. Let's hear

716
00:34:31,719 --> 00:34:35,040
Speaker 2: from our sponsors. Thanks for taking a moment for that.

717
00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:38,600
Speaker 2: Now back to the discussion. You've said this before, which

718
00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:41,040
Speaker 2: I really like this idea of they're not giving me

719
00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:44,480
Speaker 2: a hard time, they're having a hard time. Yes, And

720
00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:48,080
Speaker 2: that differentiate is really powerful because I think our languages

721
00:34:48,160 --> 00:34:49,520
Speaker 2: they're giving me a hard time.

722
00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:52,160
Speaker 1: Yeah. I mean, look, I'm sure you think about this

723
00:34:52,760 --> 00:34:55,200
Speaker 1: in so many other contexts and it's the same as parenting.

724
00:34:55,280 --> 00:35:00,160
Speaker 1: But to me, when you're in conflict with anybody, you

725
00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:03,400
Speaker 1: have one of two mindsets. Okay, the first mindset, and

726
00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:05,680
Speaker 1: let's say it's us where it's like I'm on one

727
00:35:05,719 --> 00:35:08,080
Speaker 1: side of the table and Jay is on the other

728
00:35:08,120 --> 00:35:10,120
Speaker 1: side of the table, and I'm just looking at you

729
00:35:10,560 --> 00:35:13,080
Speaker 1: like you are the problem, and we wouldn't have a

730
00:35:13,080 --> 00:35:16,000
Speaker 1: problem if you just came to my side and did

731
00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:17,440
Speaker 1: something more like me.

732
00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:18,200
Speaker 2: Right.

733
00:35:18,680 --> 00:35:21,440
Speaker 1: The other mindset is different. Instead of me against you,

734
00:35:21,480 --> 00:35:24,520
Speaker 1: where you're the problem, it's me and you on the

735
00:35:24,560 --> 00:35:28,480
Speaker 1: same side of the table against a problem. I actually

736
00:35:28,560 --> 00:35:32,280
Speaker 1: think in business, in marriage, with your in laws, definitely

737
00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:35,839
Speaker 1: with your kids, you literally shouldn't have a conversation about

738
00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:38,759
Speaker 1: something conflictual until you can get yourself in the me

739
00:35:39,320 --> 00:35:43,160
Speaker 1: and this person against a problem mindset. My kid is

740
00:35:43,160 --> 00:35:45,080
Speaker 1: giving me a hard time. Is such a good example

741
00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:47,760
Speaker 1: of me against you. My kid is having a hard time?

742
00:35:48,040 --> 00:35:51,439
Speaker 1: Is me and you against a problem? And I love

743
00:35:51,600 --> 00:35:53,719
Speaker 1: strategies and scripts. I'm sure we'll get into more of them.

744
00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:56,360
Speaker 1: I love all those things, but they all fall flat

745
00:35:56,440 --> 00:35:58,440
Speaker 1: at the end of the day if you're not operating

746
00:35:58,480 --> 00:36:01,160
Speaker 1: in an effective mindset. And to me, the most important

747
00:36:01,160 --> 00:36:02,840
Speaker 1: thing a parent can do when they're in a tricky

748
00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:05,560
Speaker 1: situation with their kid, Oh, mornings are so tough. My

749
00:36:05,640 --> 00:36:07,040
Speaker 1: kid is giving me a hard time. They won't get

750
00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:08,719
Speaker 1: out the door. Oh I hear that phrase, giving me

751
00:36:08,719 --> 00:36:10,880
Speaker 1: a hard time. How can I get into a me

752
00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:13,319
Speaker 1: and my kid against a problem, me and my kid

753
00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:16,640
Speaker 1: on the same team perspective, because then I can think

754
00:36:16,680 --> 00:36:19,360
Speaker 1: about it very differently. What might be getting in the

755
00:36:19,400 --> 00:36:21,200
Speaker 1: way my kid getting out the door. I guess they're

756
00:36:21,239 --> 00:36:23,320
Speaker 1: going to school, maybe getting out the door. They're a

757
00:36:23,320 --> 00:36:24,759
Speaker 1: smart kid. They kind of know as soon as they

758
00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:27,960
Speaker 1: put their shoes on, they're saying bye to daddy. Maybe

759
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:30,319
Speaker 1: that's it, and all of a sudden something happens when

760
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:33,120
Speaker 1: you get in the same team mindset. I think we

761
00:36:33,120 --> 00:36:36,480
Speaker 1: always love our kids. But when we're in an opposite

762
00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:40,080
Speaker 1: team mindset. Nobody likes to say this, but we stop

763
00:36:40,160 --> 00:36:43,799
Speaker 1: liking them in the moment, and there is nothing that

764
00:36:43,920 --> 00:36:46,319
Speaker 1: is a strategy that will matter more than the fact

765
00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:48,560
Speaker 1: that your kid just feels that from you. When we're

766
00:36:48,560 --> 00:36:51,600
Speaker 1: on the same team, like something amazing happens. You start

767
00:36:51,680 --> 00:36:54,480
Speaker 1: liking your kid again. Now it's like a problem to

768
00:36:54,560 --> 00:36:57,719
Speaker 1: solve together and everything becomes more effective from there.

769
00:36:58,160 --> 00:37:01,439
Speaker 2: What's been the hardest situation for you where you feel

770
00:37:01,440 --> 00:37:04,440
Speaker 2: like you've just been in that zone where you yelled

771
00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:06,640
Speaker 2: or you didn't like them, or you were just reparently,

772
00:37:06,719 --> 00:37:10,080
Speaker 2: what was the hardest for you personally that took you

773
00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:12,080
Speaker 2: the most time to get back to this?

774
00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:16,160
Speaker 1: I mean, it happens. I just want to say, I

775
00:37:16,200 --> 00:37:19,160
Speaker 1: feel like parenting is more like yoga than anything else.

776
00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:21,120
Speaker 1: Like people who are really into yoga are like, it's

777
00:37:21,600 --> 00:37:25,600
Speaker 1: it's the practice, Like there's no destination. So I'm happy

778
00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:27,040
Speaker 1: to share some stories and I will, but I don't

779
00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:28,640
Speaker 1: want anyone to think like, oh, that was then and

780
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:31,760
Speaker 1: this is now, right, Like this is a constant evolving

781
00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:35,120
Speaker 1: muscle and our kids are always changing. Right, So you know,

782
00:37:35,239 --> 00:37:38,000
Speaker 1: one of my kids, my you know my deeply feeling kid,

783
00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:41,800
Speaker 1: where she feels things more intensely. The explosions are more intense,

784
00:37:41,840 --> 00:37:44,920
Speaker 1: and there're gonna be huge reactions to things that seem

785
00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:48,080
Speaker 1: small on the surface. Going to a birthday party, not

786
00:37:48,160 --> 00:37:51,400
Speaker 1: having the chair she wants, not watching a family movie

787
00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:53,640
Speaker 1: that everyone else wants to watch. Right, And it can

788
00:37:53,640 --> 00:37:56,960
Speaker 1: feel in the time like why are you being so difficult?

789
00:37:57,600 --> 00:38:02,040
Speaker 1: Right versus hold on, she's having a hard time with something.

790
00:38:02,320 --> 00:38:04,120
Speaker 1: By the way, I want to say, that doesn't mean

791
00:38:04,160 --> 00:38:06,279
Speaker 1: I need to cater to that, Like, it's not like

792
00:38:06,320 --> 00:38:08,319
Speaker 1: she doesn't want to sit in this chair, so hey,

793
00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:11,520
Speaker 1: everyone get up so your sister can always have the

794
00:38:11,600 --> 00:38:13,640
Speaker 1: chair she wants, or oh, we're gonna watch the movie

795
00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:16,040
Speaker 1: she wants. I actually don't believe in that. But again,

796
00:38:16,080 --> 00:38:19,279
Speaker 1: if that's the boundary part over here, what can be hard? Yeah,

797
00:38:19,280 --> 00:38:21,800
Speaker 1: it's getting back to hold on, she's a good kid

798
00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:24,520
Speaker 1: who's having a hard time. I think that phrase to

799
00:38:24,560 --> 00:38:26,920
Speaker 1: me that I've put out in the world is like

800
00:38:26,920 --> 00:38:29,360
Speaker 1: one of the most important phrases just to like practice

801
00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:31,319
Speaker 1: at random times in your head. I have a good

802
00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:33,279
Speaker 1: kid who's having a hard time. It becomes like a

803
00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:34,080
Speaker 1: little song.

804
00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:35,920
Speaker 2: In the same way as I'm a good parent who's

805
00:38:35,920 --> 00:38:36,680
Speaker 2: having a hard time.

806
00:38:36,760 --> 00:38:39,319
Speaker 1: I am, you know, And then I mean I think

807
00:38:39,360 --> 00:38:41,000
Speaker 1: I have a kid who's getting older, who's a teen.

808
00:38:41,960 --> 00:38:45,080
Speaker 1: I mean it's tricky. You feel you feel it checked

809
00:38:45,080 --> 00:38:47,319
Speaker 1: it. It feels like it's on their time schedule. Like I

810
00:38:47,320 --> 00:38:49,440
Speaker 1: want to talk to my kid all day, and you know,

811
00:38:49,520 --> 00:38:51,640
Speaker 1: he doesn't. He's doing his things, he's with his friends.

812
00:38:51,640 --> 00:38:54,440
Speaker 1: And then it's nine forty five and I'm actually tired

813
00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:56,520
Speaker 1: and maybe I'll get to bed early, and he's like, mom,

814
00:38:56,560 --> 00:38:59,240
Speaker 1: I want to talk. And you know, my first reaction

815
00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:04,160
Speaker 1: is a little like a day and yet like what like, oh,

816
00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:05,840
Speaker 1: now that you want to talk, like you know, and

817
00:39:05,880 --> 00:39:09,600
Speaker 1: I kind of want to retaliate or something right. And

818
00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:11,560
Speaker 1: then I try to take a deep breath on my

819
00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:15,160
Speaker 1: good days and say, this is ado lescence. His job

820
00:39:15,239 --> 00:39:18,120
Speaker 1: is to separate from me. He's trying to figure that out.

821
00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:21,240
Speaker 1: It's messy. He is supposed to be exploring the world,

822
00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:24,080
Speaker 1: but I always think without a lessonce, like, they need

823
00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:27,200
Speaker 1: to be explorers, not nomads. But when we take them

824
00:39:27,200 --> 00:39:30,120
Speaker 1: so personally and then refuse to connect, we're actually just

825
00:39:30,239 --> 00:39:34,560
Speaker 1: leaving them as nomads, which is someone without a homebase.

826
00:39:35,080 --> 00:39:37,759
Speaker 1: It's great, he's a teen, he's doing his job. Let

827
00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:39,440
Speaker 1: me take a deep breath. I have five minutes. Let

828
00:39:39,440 --> 00:39:40,200
Speaker 1: me go to his room.

829
00:39:40,680 --> 00:39:40,879
Speaker 2: Right.

830
00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:42,360
Speaker 1: I think that's what it kind of like looks like

831
00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:43,040
Speaker 1: in real life.

832
00:39:43,280 --> 00:39:45,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, if I as a dad, when I have a child,

833
00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:47,560
Speaker 2: if they came up to me and they really were

834
00:39:47,600 --> 00:39:49,600
Speaker 2: excited about something, they wanted to share it, and I

835
00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:51,239
Speaker 2: was busy with worker and I said, hey, I just

836
00:39:51,239 --> 00:39:53,520
Speaker 2: can't talk about that right now. Yeah, well, what impact

837
00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:54,120
Speaker 2: does that happen?

838
00:39:54,280 --> 00:39:57,239
Speaker 1: First of all, I think there's some I don't know,

839
00:39:57,320 --> 00:40:02,200
Speaker 1: narrative out there, like as a parent, we should be

840
00:40:02,239 --> 00:40:05,120
Speaker 1: some type of always murder or you're in the middle

841
00:40:05,160 --> 00:40:07,719
Speaker 1: of a project, I'm making this up. You're like, you're

842
00:40:07,880 --> 00:40:09,480
Speaker 1: you know, we're similar, Like you have some idea, I

843
00:40:09,520 --> 00:40:11,480
Speaker 1: gotta get it down and it's gonna whatever it is.

844
00:40:11,520 --> 00:40:14,239
Speaker 1: You know, you're creating something, you're working on something. A

845
00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:17,360
Speaker 1: good parent is someone who drops that at every second

846
00:40:17,440 --> 00:40:20,680
Speaker 1: to look at my kid's art project. I don't know

847
00:40:20,719 --> 00:40:23,840
Speaker 1: whatever it is, I don't buy it. I don't buy it.

848
00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:25,640
Speaker 1: No do I think a good parent is someone who

849
00:40:25,680 --> 00:40:29,280
Speaker 1: would never do that. Obviously not Again, there's a middle ground.

850
00:40:29,840 --> 00:40:33,200
Speaker 1: I think, like most relationships, it's about the how can't

851
00:40:33,200 --> 00:40:35,120
Speaker 1: you see I'm working? This is ridiculous. This is a

852
00:40:35,239 --> 00:40:37,399
Speaker 1: lego tower. It's kind of stupid. I have a big job.

853
00:40:37,400 --> 00:40:40,480
Speaker 1: I wouldn't recommend that. That's not gonna feel good. Okay,

854
00:40:40,719 --> 00:40:43,520
Speaker 1: But if that's one extreme and the dropping you know

855
00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:44,880
Speaker 1: all the time is the other, I think what's in

856
00:40:44,920 --> 00:40:46,799
Speaker 1: the middle, like kind of the sturdiness we talk about

857
00:40:46,920 --> 00:40:49,120
Speaker 1: is Wow, it looks like you're working on something really interesting.

858
00:40:49,239 --> 00:40:50,279
Speaker 1: I really want to see it.

859
00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:50,600
Speaker 2: You know.

860
00:40:50,640 --> 00:40:53,400
Speaker 1: It's crazy. I'm working on something really interesting and I

861
00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:56,839
Speaker 1: need five minutes to finish it. I'm gonna need those

862
00:40:56,840 --> 00:40:58,840
Speaker 1: five minutes actually in silence, which is gonna be a

863
00:40:58,840 --> 00:41:00,800
Speaker 1: little annoying. I'm gonna ask you to leave my office

864
00:41:00,800 --> 00:41:04,000
Speaker 1: and close the door, and I promise you right after that,

865
00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:06,680
Speaker 1: I'm gonna come and I'm not gonna have my phone,

866
00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:08,200
Speaker 1: and I want to see this thing you built and

867
00:41:08,280 --> 00:41:12,319
Speaker 1: hear all about it. There's this kind of almost washer

868
00:41:12,400 --> 00:41:15,520
Speaker 1: and repeat that. I think in these moments where boundaries

869
00:41:15,640 --> 00:41:19,040
Speaker 1: and empathy and connection there, they're really not in either

870
00:41:19,200 --> 00:41:21,920
Speaker 1: or So many models of parenting have been one or

871
00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:24,359
Speaker 1: the other, and I think at good inside. We bring

872
00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:27,040
Speaker 1: them together and I think, you know, I don't know.

873
00:41:27,080 --> 00:41:28,680
Speaker 1: I think about people work in an office and they

874
00:41:28,680 --> 00:41:30,759
Speaker 1: want to talk to their CEO, and that's what you

875
00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:32,400
Speaker 1: want to hear from something. I actually don't want a

876
00:41:32,480 --> 00:41:35,879
Speaker 1: CEO all the times, like I'm gonna drop everything of course, right.

877
00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:39,640
Speaker 1: Or you're on a plane, right and you know you

878
00:41:39,680 --> 00:41:42,319
Speaker 1: want to visit the pilot with you know, with your

879
00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:45,240
Speaker 1: kid or something, right and they're getting the plane ready.

880
00:41:45,520 --> 00:41:47,479
Speaker 1: You don't want a pilot who they're getting everything ready.

881
00:41:47,480 --> 00:41:49,600
Speaker 1: They're like sure, come on in. You're like, were you

882
00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:52,680
Speaker 1: just fixing that engine? Like me, you know, Hey, I'm

883
00:41:52,680 --> 00:41:54,520
Speaker 1: in the middle of something. This is really important. I

884
00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:56,839
Speaker 1: see your interests. That's awesome. I'll let you know when

885
00:41:56,880 --> 00:42:00,560
Speaker 1: it's ready and then we'll do that. That combination boundaries empathy,

886
00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:02,080
Speaker 1: to me, that's always magic.

887
00:42:02,360 --> 00:42:04,239
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was. It was funny. I was thinking. I

888
00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:05,719
Speaker 2: was thinking of my kid coming running up to me

889
00:42:05,719 --> 00:42:07,720
Speaker 2: and like, go away, I've got to interview doctor doctor

890
00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:10,600
Speaker 2: Kennedy on the podcast How to Be a Good Parent.

891
00:42:10,680 --> 00:42:13,120
Speaker 2: Like I was like, that's the no. And I appreciate

892
00:42:13,200 --> 00:42:15,480
Speaker 2: that because that to me is just and I'm that's

893
00:42:15,520 --> 00:42:18,680
Speaker 2: really reaffirming. To hear, because I feel like that's just

894
00:42:18,719 --> 00:42:21,560
Speaker 2: having good, healthy adult conversations. That's what it is, and

895
00:42:21,600 --> 00:42:25,520
Speaker 2: it's giving context and it's providing a perspective on why

896
00:42:25,600 --> 00:42:28,279
Speaker 2: and what and where we're at. It's not just like, hell,

897
00:42:28,280 --> 00:42:30,200
Speaker 2: don't have time right now, I'm doing something really important.

898
00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:33,080
Speaker 2: There's there's a validation of them, but there's a validation

899
00:42:33,160 --> 00:42:36,400
Speaker 2: of yourself. And again, they may not react well to that.

900
00:42:36,440 --> 00:42:38,400
Speaker 2: They may when you come back downstairs and I'm not

901
00:42:38,400 --> 00:42:41,200
Speaker 2: doing anymore, right, like that's right, I don't care anymore,

902
00:42:41,239 --> 00:42:43,359
Speaker 2: Like right it was, it's done. It's broken, Like.

903
00:42:43,719 --> 00:42:47,040
Speaker 1: That's right, it's right. Or again, like when I set

904
00:42:47,080 --> 00:42:49,520
Speaker 1: some of the boundaries I feel really proud of with

905
00:42:49,560 --> 00:42:52,359
Speaker 1: my kid. Take a different example, right, like my kid

906
00:42:52,400 --> 00:42:55,000
Speaker 1: is watching TV and the show is over, and I

907
00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:56,960
Speaker 1: told them they could watch that one episode and it's over,

908
00:42:57,000 --> 00:43:00,000
Speaker 1: and I have the remote, because that's the thing. It's like, really,

909
00:43:00,200 --> 00:43:02,239
Speaker 1: our kid with the remote, and we're surprised, we have

910
00:43:02,280 --> 00:43:05,319
Speaker 1: power struggles. They shouldn't have the remote, right, because of

911
00:43:05,320 --> 00:43:07,000
Speaker 1: course they're gonna want to watch more. They are good

912
00:43:07,040 --> 00:43:09,319
Speaker 1: kids who are addicted to TV like the rest of us.

913
00:43:09,560 --> 00:43:11,120
Speaker 1: But let's say it's at the end, and my kid's

914
00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:13,480
Speaker 1: like one more, one more. Maybe for whatever reason, I've

915
00:43:13,520 --> 00:43:16,480
Speaker 1: decided it's really over tonight. Okay, this is like sturdy

916
00:43:16,560 --> 00:43:17,319
Speaker 1: leadership and action.

917
00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:17,839
Speaker 2: I might say.

918
00:43:18,080 --> 00:43:21,360
Speaker 1: Look, I get it. It's so hard to stop watching TV. Honestly,

919
00:43:21,480 --> 00:43:23,400
Speaker 1: it's hard for me too. It's kind of designed to

920
00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:25,040
Speaker 1: feel like it's not enough. You want to watch the

921
00:43:25,040 --> 00:43:27,440
Speaker 1: next episode something like that, or hey, you wish you

922
00:43:27,440 --> 00:43:30,799
Speaker 1: could watch another one. Keep it simple, next part and

923
00:43:31,640 --> 00:43:33,799
Speaker 1: TV time is over. I actually have the remote. I'm

924
00:43:33,800 --> 00:43:34,600
Speaker 1: gonna turn it off.

925
00:43:34,680 --> 00:43:35,080
Speaker 2: I get it.

926
00:43:35,120 --> 00:43:38,520
Speaker 1: That's annoying. If I do that in my house, I fear,

927
00:43:38,600 --> 00:43:41,239
Speaker 1: and it's a fear that people hearing me think I

928
00:43:41,360 --> 00:43:44,560
Speaker 1: do that, and my kids like stand up in applause

929
00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:47,600
Speaker 1: and they're like, that was a plus parenting from I'm

930
00:43:47,680 --> 00:43:50,120
Speaker 1: so lucky to have you. You're keeping me safe from technology,

931
00:43:50,160 --> 00:43:52,759
Speaker 1: and you're validating my feelings. That is never that has

932
00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:55,600
Speaker 1: never happened one time. Actually, what's important for parents to

933
00:43:55,680 --> 00:43:57,880
Speaker 1: know when you set a true boundary. I'm happy to

934
00:43:57,920 --> 00:43:59,719
Speaker 1: talk about this because I think people get boundaries all

935
00:43:59,719 --> 00:44:02,440
Speaker 1: wrong what they are. But when you set a true boundary,

936
00:44:02,800 --> 00:44:04,759
Speaker 1: especially if your kid isn't used to it your kid

937
00:44:05,000 --> 00:44:08,960
Speaker 1: always responds in the same way a tantrum every time.

938
00:44:09,160 --> 00:44:11,880
Speaker 1: That is your big reward as a parent, Like you're like,

939
00:44:12,000 --> 00:44:15,319
Speaker 1: I just did the thing, and this is the next thing,

940
00:44:15,440 --> 00:44:17,839
Speaker 1: Like where's where is the confetti?

941
00:44:17,960 --> 00:44:18,200
Speaker 2: Yeah?

942
00:44:18,520 --> 00:44:22,160
Speaker 1: Confetti? Okay. But if you actually know that your kid's

943
00:44:22,239 --> 00:44:26,960
Speaker 1: tantrum is a sign that you did actually set a

944
00:44:27,000 --> 00:44:30,080
Speaker 1: true boundary, you become a lot less reactive to it,

945
00:44:30,160 --> 00:44:33,359
Speaker 1: because unconsciously we think our kids tantrum is a sign

946
00:44:33,400 --> 00:44:36,040
Speaker 1: we're doing a bad job as a parent. Our kid's

947
00:44:36,120 --> 00:44:38,880
Speaker 1: tantrum is often a sign we set a boundary and

948
00:44:38,920 --> 00:44:41,360
Speaker 1: they're upset about it, which then means we can just

949
00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:43,359
Speaker 1: do the next part of a job. We can validate. Oh,

950
00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:45,319
Speaker 1: I know you wish you were an adult and could

951
00:44:45,360 --> 00:44:48,200
Speaker 1: decide whatever number of TV shows you wanted to watch.

952
00:44:48,840 --> 00:44:51,840
Speaker 1: But you better bet even as I'm saying that I'm

953
00:44:51,880 --> 00:44:55,920
Speaker 1: not turning on the TV again, I'm not. That's not happening. Boundary,

954
00:44:56,040 --> 00:44:58,799
Speaker 1: they get upset, We can validate. We hold the boundary

955
00:44:59,000 --> 00:44:59,919
Speaker 1: kind of over and over.

956
00:45:00,560 --> 00:45:04,880
Speaker 2: And where's any emotion? Is any hugging? Is there? Like affection?

957
00:45:05,560 --> 00:45:07,560
Speaker 1: Yeah? I think everyone's kid is different. One of my

958
00:45:07,640 --> 00:45:10,760
Speaker 1: kids might really want that oh, I know it's stinks,

959
00:45:10,760 --> 00:45:13,840
Speaker 1: come here, you know, And I'm hugging, right, because that's

960
00:45:13,880 --> 00:45:18,640
Speaker 1: what happens in the best relationships, right where if I

961
00:45:18,640 --> 00:45:21,719
Speaker 1: I don't know, if I was making not so good

962
00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:24,000
Speaker 1: decisions for myself even as an adult, I don't know.

963
00:45:24,040 --> 00:45:27,239
Speaker 1: I'm at a party and like seeing you and I'm like, Jay,

964
00:45:27,280 --> 00:45:30,600
Speaker 1: I hate you. Your podcast stinks. And my husband was there,

965
00:45:30,920 --> 00:45:33,400
Speaker 1: I would hope he'd like pick me up and carry

966
00:45:33,400 --> 00:45:35,319
Speaker 1: me out and fit with me in a room, not

967
00:45:35,520 --> 00:45:37,680
Speaker 1: because that's something he did to me, because it was

968
00:45:37,680 --> 00:45:40,040
Speaker 1: something he would do for me. And then maybe even

969
00:45:40,080 --> 00:45:41,520
Speaker 1: there I'd be like I had a bad day and

970
00:45:41,560 --> 00:45:44,160
Speaker 1: he'd be like, I know you had a rough time

971
00:45:44,200 --> 00:45:47,080
Speaker 1: at Jay's party. I was not your best, right, So yeah,

972
00:45:47,120 --> 00:45:49,480
Speaker 1: maybe I'm hugging. Another one of my kids would be like,

973
00:45:49,719 --> 00:45:51,400
Speaker 1: get away from me, and I might just kind of

974
00:45:51,400 --> 00:45:55,040
Speaker 1: stay where I am and say nothing because my com

975
00:45:55,120 --> 00:45:58,920
Speaker 1: presence is the version of connection she might want. Right.

976
00:45:59,000 --> 00:46:01,759
Speaker 1: So I think that's where what I really love about

977
00:46:01,760 --> 00:46:04,759
Speaker 1: good inside and what I see from our members is there,

978
00:46:04,800 --> 00:46:08,000
Speaker 1: Like I love that they've taken the principles and then

979
00:46:08,000 --> 00:46:11,840
Speaker 1: they take their unique knowledge, their unique values, their unique

980
00:46:12,120 --> 00:46:15,440
Speaker 1: awareness of what's happening, and they apply it in a

981
00:46:15,440 --> 00:46:17,000
Speaker 1: way that feels totally them.

982
00:46:17,080 --> 00:46:20,719
Speaker 2: Yeah. I agree. I think the challenge we've created is

983
00:46:20,760 --> 00:46:25,040
Speaker 2: that we think effective communication is when you get the

984
00:46:25,040 --> 00:46:30,520
Speaker 2: perfect reaction. Yes, And I don't think that's true as

985
00:46:30,560 --> 00:46:33,440
Speaker 2: a parent, or as an adult, or in any capacity,

986
00:46:33,520 --> 00:46:38,000
Speaker 2: because you could communicate something really exceptionally effectively and the

987
00:46:38,080 --> 00:46:42,520
Speaker 2: reaction is not the direct response to whether you communicate

988
00:46:42,520 --> 00:46:44,440
Speaker 2: it effectively or not. We think if the kid did

989
00:46:44,480 --> 00:46:47,319
Speaker 2: applaud or there was confetti, or day ten around and said, okay, mam,

990
00:46:47,360 --> 00:46:49,879
Speaker 2: I go to bed, we think that's a good day. Right.

991
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:53,600
Speaker 2: So it's almost this idea of and this again applies

992
00:46:53,640 --> 00:46:56,320
Speaker 2: to marriage too. You almost feel like when the person's

993
00:46:56,400 --> 00:46:59,560
Speaker 2: just responding to saying you're amazing, well done, or even

994
00:46:59,600 --> 00:47:03,960
Speaker 2: if it's that forward, the idea of I'm doing everything

995
00:47:04,000 --> 00:47:06,600
Speaker 2: you tell me to we see as a sign of

996
00:47:06,640 --> 00:47:07,480
Speaker 2: good communication.

997
00:47:07,880 --> 00:47:10,600
Speaker 1: I see something very similar with so many parents, and

998
00:47:10,600 --> 00:47:12,759
Speaker 1: I think this is maybe the biggest thing we love

999
00:47:12,840 --> 00:47:16,359
Speaker 1: to help shift. We use our kid's behavior or their

1000
00:47:16,400 --> 00:47:19,840
Speaker 1: reactions as a barometer of whether we're a good parent,

1001
00:47:20,480 --> 00:47:23,480
Speaker 1: and we lose ourselves in the process because we're so

1002
00:47:23,600 --> 00:47:28,319
Speaker 1: busy gazing out versus gazing in. What's a version of

1003
00:47:28,360 --> 00:47:31,600
Speaker 1: gazing in? Is this a decision I believe in? Do

1004
00:47:31,640 --> 00:47:34,520
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm actually being a good leader? Do

1005
00:47:34,560 --> 00:47:36,640
Speaker 1: I feel like this is a decision maybe not only

1006
00:47:36,880 --> 00:47:38,920
Speaker 1: for today, but for you know, every once in a

1007
00:47:38,960 --> 00:47:40,680
Speaker 1: while when we have the energy, a decision that really

1008
00:47:40,719 --> 00:47:43,440
Speaker 1: helps our kid become the kind of teen an adult

1009
00:47:43,480 --> 00:47:44,399
Speaker 1: we'd want them to be.

1010
00:47:45,000 --> 00:47:45,239
Speaker 2: You know.

1011
00:47:45,400 --> 00:47:47,279
Speaker 1: So I heard this story from a parent the other day.

1012
00:47:47,280 --> 00:47:49,720
Speaker 1: It was really interesting. It was kind of this classic

1013
00:47:49,840 --> 00:47:54,440
Speaker 1: public meltdown right birthday party. Her kid only wanted to

1014
00:47:54,440 --> 00:47:56,640
Speaker 1: sit next to the birthday party kid. I get this,

1015
00:47:56,719 --> 00:47:58,799
Speaker 1: It's a big thing. Sitting next to the birthday party

1016
00:47:58,880 --> 00:48:02,200
Speaker 1: kid is a big deal. Well, pizza time came, because

1017
00:48:02,200 --> 00:48:05,360
Speaker 1: everyone has pizza their birthday parties. Our kid had to

1018
00:48:05,400 --> 00:48:08,080
Speaker 1: go to the bathroom, and she's like this is this

1019
00:48:08,160 --> 00:48:09,640
Speaker 1: is not going to be good because I know after

1020
00:48:09,640 --> 00:48:11,839
Speaker 1: the bathroom that seat next to my kid would elbow.

1021
00:48:12,040 --> 00:48:15,480
Speaker 1: That's going to be gone. It was gone, Okay, major

1022
00:48:15,560 --> 00:48:17,480
Speaker 1: public mouthdown. Oh oh you.

1023
00:48:17,440 --> 00:48:18,720
Speaker 2: Know I had to have that seat.

1024
00:48:18,920 --> 00:48:20,080
Speaker 1: I need this heat mean when I was like this

1025
00:48:20,120 --> 00:48:22,839
Speaker 1: kid's birthday party, so many times I see this lack

1026
00:48:22,880 --> 00:48:26,479
Speaker 1: of sturdiness. I see, I'm making up this name. No Noura,

1027
00:48:26,600 --> 00:48:29,040
Speaker 1: we don't yell at other people's birthday parties. I mean

1028
00:48:29,080 --> 00:48:32,320
Speaker 1: it is. It is actually so sad to witness because

1029
00:48:32,560 --> 00:48:36,399
Speaker 1: kids need us to embody our authority. I would say,

1030
00:48:36,480 --> 00:48:40,480
Speaker 1: I couldn't side. It's authority without aggression, which almost feels

1031
00:48:40,480 --> 00:48:42,759
Speaker 1: like an oxymoron these days. It's rarely modeled, but it's

1032
00:48:42,840 --> 00:48:46,800
Speaker 1: authority without aggression. Now, this mom was telling me this

1033
00:48:46,880 --> 00:48:48,800
Speaker 1: story and she goes, you know, it's interesting. A number

1034
00:48:48,800 --> 00:48:51,040
Speaker 1: of months ago, I had a family dinner. My child

1035
00:48:51,120 --> 00:48:53,520
Speaker 1: had this major meltdown. It was the worst day of

1036
00:48:53,520 --> 00:48:55,360
Speaker 1: my week, Like I felt like it was my biggest

1037
00:48:55,360 --> 00:48:59,799
Speaker 1: parenting fail. Here's what's crazy. I knew exactly what to do.

1038
00:49:00,600 --> 00:49:02,560
Speaker 1: I picked her up first. I pulled her to the

1039
00:49:02,640 --> 00:49:04,239
Speaker 1: side and I said, oh, this is a hard time.

1040
00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:06,760
Speaker 1: Look this is the birthday party. That seat's not available,

1041
00:49:06,840 --> 00:49:09,520
Speaker 1: these others are. It just escalated further and further, and

1042
00:49:09,560 --> 00:49:11,160
Speaker 1: as a parent, sometimes you know this is past the

1043
00:49:11,160 --> 00:49:12,960
Speaker 1: point of no return. This is not not going to

1044
00:49:12,960 --> 00:49:14,799
Speaker 1: be a good situation. Did I knew what to do?

1045
00:49:15,000 --> 00:49:16,920
Speaker 1: I picked her up. I said, Nora, I'm picking you

1046
00:49:17,000 --> 00:49:19,400
Speaker 1: up I'm carrying you to the car. We're just not

1047
00:49:19,440 --> 00:49:21,359
Speaker 1: going to be able to finish this birthday party today.

1048
00:49:21,400 --> 00:49:24,080
Speaker 1: You're a good kid having a hard time. You're not

1049
00:49:24,160 --> 00:49:27,360
Speaker 1: in trouble. I'm going to help you through this. Her kid, no,

1050
00:49:27,640 --> 00:49:29,840
Speaker 1: give me another chance, but she was far gone. Carried

1051
00:49:29,880 --> 00:49:32,400
Speaker 1: her to the car, they drove away. They got home,

1052
00:49:32,640 --> 00:49:35,400
Speaker 1: and she said to me, is it weird that that

1053
00:49:35,520 --> 00:49:38,200
Speaker 1: was my parenting win? I just thought it was so beautiful.

1054
00:49:38,239 --> 00:49:40,640
Speaker 1: I don't think that's weird. I don't think that's weird

1055
00:49:40,640 --> 00:49:40,920
Speaker 1: at all.

1056
00:49:40,960 --> 00:49:41,120
Speaker 2: To me.

1057
00:49:41,200 --> 00:49:44,040
Speaker 1: The biggest wins we have in parenting and in so

1058
00:49:44,080 --> 00:49:47,600
Speaker 1: many parts of life are when we shift from my

1059
00:49:47,760 --> 00:49:50,719
Speaker 1: job is to avoid all turbulence too. I actually know

1060
00:49:50,880 --> 00:49:53,640
Speaker 1: exactly what to do in the turbulence. And when you

1061
00:49:53,719 --> 00:49:55,960
Speaker 1: know what to do in the turbulence, which takes practice

1062
00:49:56,000 --> 00:49:59,320
Speaker 1: and learning and support and never being perfect, you actually

1063
00:49:59,360 --> 00:50:04,240
Speaker 1: feel strong hunger having piloted a plane through that storm

1064
00:50:04,680 --> 00:50:07,920
Speaker 1: and safely gotten to ground, rather than the anxiety of.

1065
00:50:07,960 --> 00:50:10,440
Speaker 2: Like I just need to avoid. Well, yeah, that's so.

1066
00:50:11,200 --> 00:50:13,440
Speaker 1: We feel so fragile when we're doing that.

1067
00:50:14,560 --> 00:50:17,799
Speaker 2: You've said before that it's not your job to make

1068
00:50:17,800 --> 00:50:21,680
Speaker 2: your kids happy, which applies to what you're saying right now? Yeah,

1069
00:50:21,920 --> 00:50:23,080
Speaker 2: what is a parent's job?

1070
00:50:23,680 --> 00:50:25,759
Speaker 1: So I think I want to talk about both those things.

1071
00:50:25,800 --> 00:50:28,040
Speaker 1: I'll start with a parent's job, and then why not

1072
00:50:28,080 --> 00:50:29,920
Speaker 1: only isn't our job to make our kids happy, but

1073
00:50:29,960 --> 00:50:32,360
Speaker 1: why it's actually a really bad thing for them. The

1074
00:50:32,400 --> 00:50:35,320
Speaker 1: idea of a parent's job has actually come up for

1075
00:50:35,440 --> 00:50:37,200
Speaker 1: me because over and over i'd see people in my

1076
00:50:37,280 --> 00:50:40,480
Speaker 1: private practice and you know now through Instagram, different things

1077
00:50:40,520 --> 00:50:41,880
Speaker 1: and they'd be like, my kid is having a tantrum,

1078
00:50:41,920 --> 00:50:43,799
Speaker 1: my kid is so mean to her brother, my kid

1079
00:50:43,840 --> 00:50:46,840
Speaker 1: won't do his homework, whatever the situation was. And I'd say, Okay,

1080
00:50:47,239 --> 00:50:49,120
Speaker 1: all parents want to do a good job. I know that.

1081
00:50:49,160 --> 00:50:50,520
Speaker 1: But I'd always say to a parent to tell me,

1082
00:50:50,600 --> 00:50:53,000
Speaker 1: what is your job? Forget if you can perform it, well,

1083
00:50:53,200 --> 00:50:55,680
Speaker 1: what is your job? Every parent will look.

1084
00:50:55,520 --> 00:50:56,440
Speaker 2: At me like.

1085
00:50:58,560 --> 00:51:00,759
Speaker 1: I have no idea? Yeah, And then I think about

1086
00:51:00,760 --> 00:51:03,480
Speaker 1: just offices, Like I picture someone coming to their job

1087
00:51:03,560 --> 00:51:05,760
Speaker 1: the first day and their boss saying, do a good job,

1088
00:51:06,239 --> 00:51:07,759
Speaker 1: and the person saying, but but I don't have a

1089
00:51:07,840 --> 00:51:10,360
Speaker 1: job description. By the way, I also don't even know

1090
00:51:10,400 --> 00:51:12,520
Speaker 1: what that dude does over there. I kind of need

1091
00:51:12,560 --> 00:51:15,680
Speaker 1: to know what that person's lane is I definitely need

1092
00:51:15,719 --> 00:51:18,480
Speaker 1: to know what my job is if I'm going to

1093
00:51:18,520 --> 00:51:20,759
Speaker 1: do it well. So I think any parent listening is like,

1094
00:51:20,800 --> 00:51:22,920
Speaker 1: it's true, what is my job? If you don't know,

1095
00:51:23,880 --> 00:51:26,640
Speaker 1: then there's im men's clarity forget trying to do it well.

1096
00:51:26,640 --> 00:51:28,880
Speaker 1: We just have to have the clarity in the foundation. Absolutely,

1097
00:51:29,080 --> 00:51:31,080
Speaker 1: So I think a parent always has two jobs. It's

1098
00:51:31,080 --> 00:51:33,560
Speaker 1: almost every situation, and I'll define one of them which

1099
00:51:33,560 --> 00:51:37,279
Speaker 1: you didn't get to yet. So setting boundaries invalidating your

1100
00:51:37,360 --> 00:51:41,600
Speaker 1: kid's emotions, and they go hand in hand. Setting boundaries

1101
00:51:41,760 --> 00:51:45,319
Speaker 1: is widely misunderstood. I'll share what my definition of boundaries are,

1102
00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:48,120
Speaker 1: which is as applicable to adults as it is a kid.

1103
00:51:49,360 --> 00:51:52,920
Speaker 1: Boundaries are something you tell someone you will do and

1104
00:51:52,960 --> 00:51:58,719
Speaker 1: they require the other person to do nothing. We often say,

1105
00:51:58,800 --> 00:52:02,520
Speaker 1: this person doesn't respect my boundaries to me with respect.

1106
00:52:02,560 --> 00:52:04,880
Speaker 1: It's often assigned that someone has an inaccurate definition of

1107
00:52:04,880 --> 00:52:06,759
Speaker 1: a boundary because you're giving all your power to the

1108
00:52:06,800 --> 00:52:09,239
Speaker 1: other person. So I often ask a parent, well, what

1109
00:52:09,280 --> 00:52:11,440
Speaker 1: do you mean your kid isn't listening? Yeah, I live

1110
00:52:11,440 --> 00:52:13,960
Speaker 1: in New York City. This is like my kid and

1111
00:52:14,000 --> 00:52:15,960
Speaker 1: I always say when we go into the elevator, buttons,

1112
00:52:16,080 --> 00:52:20,319
Speaker 1: don't press the buttons, don't press all the buttons. And

1113
00:52:20,360 --> 00:52:22,040
Speaker 1: then my kid goes and presses all the buttons. He

1114
00:52:22,080 --> 00:52:25,440
Speaker 1: does not respect my boundaries. He has a listening problem. Now,

1115
00:52:26,120 --> 00:52:27,720
Speaker 1: if you have a kid like one of my kids,

1116
00:52:27,760 --> 00:52:31,200
Speaker 1: who is zero percent people pleasing, it's going to take

1117
00:52:31,239 --> 00:52:34,600
Speaker 1: a little bit longer than other kids to manage urges. Okay,

1118
00:52:35,440 --> 00:52:38,480
Speaker 1: A boundary isn't don't press the button. Is that something

1119
00:52:38,480 --> 00:52:39,719
Speaker 1: i'm telling my kid I will do?

1120
00:52:40,080 --> 00:52:40,160
Speaker 2: No?

1121
00:52:40,440 --> 00:52:42,200
Speaker 1: Does it require my kid to do nothing? No, I'm

1122
00:52:42,239 --> 00:52:44,239
Speaker 1: giving all of my power to my four year old.

1123
00:52:44,600 --> 00:52:46,960
Speaker 1: A boundary would be saying, hey, when we go into

1124
00:52:47,000 --> 00:52:49,760
Speaker 1: the elevator, I'm going to be between you and the buttons.

1125
00:52:49,880 --> 00:52:51,799
Speaker 1: I know it's fun to press the buttons, sweetish, just

1126
00:52:51,800 --> 00:52:53,960
Speaker 1: not something i'm going to allow. And yep, even if

1127
00:52:53,960 --> 00:52:57,279
Speaker 1: you lunch for it, I'm going to block you. Yet,

1128
00:52:57,719 --> 00:52:59,279
Speaker 1: It's true. It's like you got to get like there,

1129
00:53:00,200 --> 00:53:04,000
Speaker 1: like karate, Like there's some moves a parent I'll teach

1130
00:53:04,040 --> 00:53:07,360
Speaker 1: you now remarkably like kind of you know, some interesting

1131
00:53:07,440 --> 00:53:10,239
Speaker 1: dance moves going on. But that's a boundary. It's not

1132
00:53:10,320 --> 00:53:12,759
Speaker 1: something i'm doing to my kid. I'm doing it for him.

1133
00:53:13,120 --> 00:53:14,759
Speaker 1: So I don't let him feel like an out of

1134
00:53:14,760 --> 00:53:16,879
Speaker 1: control kid. And this is important, so I don't let

1135
00:53:16,880 --> 00:53:21,160
Speaker 1: myself get so frustrated that I end up yelling random

1136
00:53:21,200 --> 00:53:24,560
Speaker 1: punishments I have no intention of keeping anyway, no dessert tonight,

1137
00:53:24,600 --> 00:53:26,560
Speaker 1: And then I'm like, actually, you can have dessert. I

1138
00:53:26,800 --> 00:53:28,240
Speaker 1: don't even care. I don't might to have a tantrum,

1139
00:53:28,239 --> 00:53:30,080
Speaker 1: like this is what we do, so that's part of

1140
00:53:30,120 --> 00:53:33,480
Speaker 1: our job setting true boundaries. Another great example of this,

1141
00:53:33,680 --> 00:53:35,560
Speaker 1: my kid takes the iPad when it's not iPad time.

1142
00:53:36,040 --> 00:53:38,960
Speaker 1: First thing to a question. I'm like how, They're like,

1143
00:53:39,040 --> 00:53:40,960
Speaker 1: what do you mean? How he just takes it if

1144
00:53:41,000 --> 00:53:44,440
Speaker 1: it's not iPad time? Why does your kid even have

1145
00:53:44,640 --> 00:53:49,680
Speaker 1: access to where the iPad is? A boundary without words

1146
00:53:49,800 --> 00:53:52,400
Speaker 1: would be what I do. It's not, hey, don't touch

1147
00:53:52,440 --> 00:53:54,279
Speaker 1: the iPad in the kitchen. I'm sorry. I'm just gonna

1148
00:53:54,280 --> 00:53:56,080
Speaker 1: speak for myself. If my phone is in a room

1149
00:53:56,200 --> 00:53:59,160
Speaker 1: and someone tells me not to look at it, yeah, yeah,

1150
00:53:59,200 --> 00:54:01,040
Speaker 1: I'm just not that. I don't have a great hit rate there.

1151
00:54:01,239 --> 00:54:03,120
Speaker 1: Those things are very addictive, okay, and I have more

1152
00:54:03,160 --> 00:54:05,960
Speaker 1: self control than my five year old, right. A boundary

1153
00:54:06,120 --> 00:54:08,160
Speaker 1: would be saying, hey, from now on. Just so you know,

1154
00:54:08,320 --> 00:54:10,799
Speaker 1: the iPad is going to completely out of reach, out

1155
00:54:10,840 --> 00:54:12,719
Speaker 1: of sight. It's not because I don't trust you. It's

1156
00:54:12,719 --> 00:54:16,080
Speaker 1: because those things are actually built to draw your whole

1157
00:54:16,080 --> 00:54:19,200
Speaker 1: body to them. It really wasn't fair for me to

1158
00:54:19,239 --> 00:54:21,680
Speaker 1: put it somewhere and ask you not to get it.

1159
00:54:21,680 --> 00:54:23,919
Speaker 1: So it's just going to be away until it's iPad time.

1160
00:54:23,920 --> 00:54:25,799
Speaker 1: When it's over, it will shut off and then I'll

1161
00:54:25,800 --> 00:54:28,560
Speaker 1: put it back in that place. Done. That's part of

1162
00:54:28,600 --> 00:54:31,360
Speaker 1: our job. The other part of our job is connecting

1163
00:54:31,400 --> 00:54:34,759
Speaker 1: to our kids feelings, is seeing our kids feelings as

1164
00:54:34,840 --> 00:54:39,000
Speaker 1: real while not allowing those feelings to overpower us. That

1165
00:54:39,160 --> 00:54:43,640
Speaker 1: is so important. People think validating a kid's emotions means

1166
00:54:43,719 --> 00:54:48,920
Speaker 1: agreeing with their emotions. It does not. My kid is

1167
00:54:49,480 --> 00:54:52,960
Speaker 1: having a grilled cheese. They always like it cut into rectangles.

1168
00:54:53,000 --> 00:54:56,840
Speaker 1: These things matter, and I cut into rectangles, and today

1169
00:54:56,880 --> 00:54:59,600
Speaker 1: is the day. If the kids like I needed a try,

1170
00:54:59,680 --> 00:55:02,239
Speaker 1: I go, oh right, whatever it is now to me,

1171
00:55:02,320 --> 00:55:05,520
Speaker 1: I know intellection like this feels crazy. I actually thought

1172
00:55:05,560 --> 00:55:08,560
Speaker 1: about how to cut it in a rectangle. That's how

1173
00:55:08,600 --> 00:55:11,240
Speaker 1: you usually like it. But I don't have to agree.

1174
00:55:11,280 --> 00:55:14,640
Speaker 1: Who knows what this is really about? Validation would just

1175
00:55:14,680 --> 00:55:18,319
Speaker 1: be you really wish it was in a triangle today. Oh,

1176
00:55:18,360 --> 00:55:20,799
Speaker 1: this feels really bad. Oh it feels like the girl

1177
00:55:20,880 --> 00:55:23,279
Speaker 1: cheese isn't even gonna be yummy when it's cutting this way.

1178
00:55:23,800 --> 00:55:26,520
Speaker 1: People often think if I do that, that means I'm

1179
00:55:26,560 --> 00:55:28,680
Speaker 1: making a new girl cheese. Depending on the day, if

1180
00:55:28,680 --> 00:55:30,439
Speaker 1: I want to, maybe I will, but maybe I won't

1181
00:55:30,440 --> 00:55:34,120
Speaker 1: because I'm holding the boundary. But validation is simply seeing

1182
00:55:34,200 --> 00:55:38,160
Speaker 1: someone else's experience as real for them. And I think

1183
00:55:38,200 --> 00:55:40,960
Speaker 1: when you think about those two jobs, boundaries and validation,

1184
00:55:41,719 --> 00:55:44,600
Speaker 1: the reason they're so important is I kind of profoundly

1185
00:55:44,640 --> 00:55:48,000
Speaker 1: believe that kids are always asking two questions, am I safe?

1186
00:55:48,440 --> 00:55:52,160
Speaker 1: And our boundaries answer that? And am I real? Because

1187
00:55:52,239 --> 00:55:54,680
Speaker 1: kids have such intense feelings. I mean, you and I

1188
00:55:54,719 --> 00:55:57,759
Speaker 1: have intense feelings. And the thing about feelings that's so

1189
00:55:57,840 --> 00:56:01,480
Speaker 1: fascinating is when you fall and skin your knee, you

1190
00:56:01,520 --> 00:56:04,839
Speaker 1: see blood, You're like, oh, that's painful, But then you

1191
00:56:04,920 --> 00:56:08,359
Speaker 1: often have some representation of how it's real. Well, I'm

1192
00:56:08,400 --> 00:56:11,200
Speaker 1: bleeding or I have a black and blue. Feelings are

1193
00:56:11,320 --> 00:56:17,560
Speaker 1: very unique. They are such visceral sensations coursing through your

1194
00:56:17,560 --> 00:56:24,080
Speaker 1: body without any external manifestation, and there's no blood test

1195
00:56:24,360 --> 00:56:28,160
Speaker 1: to tell you you're having anger. So that's very confusing

1196
00:56:28,200 --> 00:56:30,640
Speaker 1: for kids. And so part of what happens for kids

1197
00:56:30,640 --> 00:56:33,560
Speaker 1: when they're feeling intense emotions is we sometimes take the

1198
00:56:33,600 --> 00:56:36,440
Speaker 1: bait too much about the concrete thing they're upset about.

1199
00:56:36,840 --> 00:56:38,960
Speaker 1: What they're really trying to figure out, which is really

1200
00:56:39,000 --> 00:56:42,759
Speaker 1: the basis of confidence is are the things that I

1201
00:56:42,800 --> 00:56:46,720
Speaker 1: am perceiving feeling in my body? Are those things real?

1202
00:56:47,000 --> 00:56:49,840
Speaker 1: Because I have to know if they're real before I

1203
00:56:49,840 --> 00:56:51,040
Speaker 1: can learn how to manage them.

1204
00:56:51,239 --> 00:56:53,120
Speaker 2: I feel like a lot of people think that their

1205
00:56:53,239 --> 00:56:57,879
Speaker 2: job is to make their kids good people, or to successful, yeah,

1206
00:56:58,040 --> 00:57:00,400
Speaker 2: or to do well or be able to survive the

1207
00:57:00,440 --> 00:57:04,040
Speaker 2: real world when they grow up. Would you say that

1208
00:57:04,560 --> 00:57:06,239
Speaker 2: am I safe and am I real? Which I love

1209
00:57:06,280 --> 00:57:09,480
Speaker 2: those questions. Would you say that boundaries and validation almost

1210
00:57:09,600 --> 00:57:10,920
Speaker 2: will help do all those things.

1211
00:57:10,960 --> 00:57:13,240
Speaker 1: I think that's a beautiful question because I guess I'm

1212
00:57:13,440 --> 00:57:15,360
Speaker 1: zoomed in often like, well, what is my job in

1213
00:57:15,400 --> 00:57:17,080
Speaker 1: the moment? And I think what you're saying is like,

1214
00:57:17,120 --> 00:57:18,880
Speaker 1: what is my goal for my kid? I have those

1215
00:57:18,920 --> 00:57:21,160
Speaker 1: goals for my kid. I want them to be resilient,

1216
00:57:21,320 --> 00:57:22,800
Speaker 1: which really means I want them to be able to

1217
00:57:22,880 --> 00:57:25,440
Speaker 1: handle challenges and know that they can bounce back from

1218
00:57:25,440 --> 00:57:28,600
Speaker 1: hard things. I want them to be able to tolerate discomfort,

1219
00:57:29,160 --> 00:57:32,040
Speaker 1: not avoid it or look for the quickest exit from it.

1220
00:57:32,520 --> 00:57:33,800
Speaker 1: I want my kid to feel really at home in

1221
00:57:33,840 --> 00:57:36,560
Speaker 1: their body. I want make it to feel confident, which

1222
00:57:36,560 --> 00:57:38,800
Speaker 1: to me has nothing to do with feeling good about yourself.

1223
00:57:38,880 --> 00:57:41,000
Speaker 1: Is actually about self trust, which is why it goes

1224
00:57:41,040 --> 00:57:43,320
Speaker 1: back to feeling like your feelings are real and feeling

1225
00:57:43,360 --> 00:57:46,760
Speaker 1: like you are a better perceiver of your feelings than

1226
00:57:46,800 --> 00:57:50,720
Speaker 1: other people are for you. Yes, I do believe. Of course,

1227
00:57:50,720 --> 00:57:54,160
Speaker 1: there's a lot more nuanced, but in general, setting boundaries,

1228
00:57:54,760 --> 00:57:58,160
Speaker 1: staying connected to your kid by validating their emotions. There's

1229
00:57:58,240 --> 00:58:02,640
Speaker 1: other things too, right, supporting them in their struggle, not rescuing,

1230
00:58:03,120 --> 00:58:06,000
Speaker 1: asking yourself pretty often, am I still doing things for

1231
00:58:06,120 --> 00:58:07,720
Speaker 1: my kid that they can start to learn how to

1232
00:58:07,720 --> 00:58:10,520
Speaker 1: do for themselves? And how can I solely back away?

1233
00:58:10,800 --> 00:58:13,760
Speaker 1: How can I set my kid up for capability not fragility.

1234
00:58:14,200 --> 00:58:16,400
Speaker 1: There's other things, but in general, yes, I think boundaries

1235
00:58:16,440 --> 00:58:20,040
Speaker 1: and validation, when paired together, they do that's what makes

1236
00:58:20,040 --> 00:58:21,240
Speaker 1: for really resilient adults.

1237
00:58:21,640 --> 00:58:23,440
Speaker 2: I would agree with you and I've never heard it

1238
00:58:23,440 --> 00:58:25,920
Speaker 2: that way before, and I really like that because I

1239
00:58:25,960 --> 00:58:28,120
Speaker 2: think sometimes when we think, all, I want to have

1240
00:58:28,200 --> 00:58:32,360
Speaker 2: kind kids, and then we're trying to model kindness for them.

1241
00:58:33,200 --> 00:58:35,440
Speaker 2: But the problem is if kindness is free of boundary

1242
00:58:35,440 --> 00:58:38,880
Speaker 2: and free of validation, or kindness looks like validation with

1243
00:58:38,920 --> 00:58:42,160
Speaker 2: no boundaries to us, that's right, And then they're not

1244
00:58:42,200 --> 00:58:44,800
Speaker 2: getting kindness because they don't know what self kindness looks

1245
00:58:44,880 --> 00:58:47,320
Speaker 2: like and they only see the martyr or the self

1246
00:58:47,320 --> 00:58:51,360
Speaker 2: sacrificed version of kindness quote unquote, and then that isn't

1247
00:58:51,360 --> 00:58:53,760
Speaker 2: an accurate form of kindness. Now they think kindness means

1248
00:58:53,920 --> 00:58:56,960
Speaker 2: I'll do things for people, even if they exploit abuse

1249
00:58:57,040 --> 00:59:00,040
Speaker 2: or don't have any set of understanding with me. I

1250
00:59:00,160 --> 00:59:02,240
Speaker 2: become a kind person. They become someone that people take

1251
00:59:02,240 --> 00:59:03,080
Speaker 2: advantage jobs.

1252
00:59:03,280 --> 00:59:06,640
Speaker 1: I think that's really poignant, right, And look, it's true.

1253
00:59:06,640 --> 00:59:09,600
Speaker 1: I think this thing people say flippantly, I'll be at

1254
00:59:09,600 --> 00:59:11,040
Speaker 1: a dinner or something, you know. So I was like,

1255
00:59:11,040 --> 00:59:12,560
Speaker 1: don't I just want your kids to be happy? And

1256
00:59:12,880 --> 00:59:15,680
Speaker 1: I always picture my husband being like, Becky, please don't ruin.

1257
00:59:15,800 --> 00:59:16,760
Speaker 1: That was just a throw away on.

1258
00:59:16,920 --> 00:59:18,520
Speaker 2: It, like this is amazing.

1259
00:59:18,680 --> 00:59:20,520
Speaker 1: I'll be a bummer you know, and then like half

1260
00:59:20,560 --> 00:59:22,400
Speaker 1: the time I listened. Half the time, I'm like, actually,

1261
00:59:22,400 --> 00:59:24,640
Speaker 1: it's not what you want. Everyone's like what, and I'm like, sorry,

1262
00:59:24,680 --> 00:59:28,680
Speaker 1: I just can't help myself. But and again, we love

1263
00:59:29,080 --> 00:59:31,920
Speaker 1: as humans. We hear someone say no, that's not true.

1264
00:59:32,040 --> 00:59:33,840
Speaker 1: And then people will say you want your kids to

1265
00:59:33,840 --> 00:59:38,160
Speaker 1: be unhappy. Obviously not. There's again so much in between

1266
00:59:38,240 --> 00:59:42,040
Speaker 1: two extremes. But here's the thing about optimizing for happiness

1267
00:59:42,080 --> 00:59:44,600
Speaker 1: in childhood. I firmly believe, and I've seen it over

1268
00:59:44,640 --> 00:59:47,280
Speaker 1: and over that the more you optimize for happiness in childhood,

1269
00:59:48,040 --> 00:59:51,520
Speaker 1: the more you actually wire for anxiety in adulthood.

1270
00:59:51,680 --> 00:59:52,360
Speaker 2: Explain that.

1271
00:59:52,960 --> 00:59:55,200
Speaker 1: Let's take a situation that happens often, and then I'll

1272
00:59:55,280 --> 00:59:58,920
Speaker 1: zoom out. But I think the stories matter. I'm the

1273
00:59:58,960 --> 01:00:02,000
Speaker 1: only one in my class can't read. My kid comes

1274
01:00:02,000 --> 01:00:04,400
Speaker 1: home and says this, this is first of all, let

1275
01:00:04,440 --> 01:00:06,840
Speaker 1: me just say, this is so painful, like seeing your

1276
01:00:06,920 --> 01:00:09,960
Speaker 1: kid in pain. As a parent, it's so painful. I

1277
01:00:09,960 --> 01:00:12,640
Speaker 1: think a lot of our instinct is let me make

1278
01:00:12,640 --> 01:00:15,040
Speaker 1: my kid happy, right, and we all need to. I

1279
01:00:15,040 --> 01:00:18,200
Speaker 1: will say the craziest things. I'm like, well, Bobby isn't

1280
01:00:18,200 --> 01:00:20,160
Speaker 1: even good at lacrosse. At least you're good at lacrosse.

1281
01:00:20,160 --> 01:00:21,520
Speaker 1: That's gonna matter more. And I'm like, why am I

1282
01:00:21,560 --> 01:00:22,520
Speaker 1: throwing Bobby under the bus?

1283
01:00:22,520 --> 01:00:24,720
Speaker 2: But a Bobby do He's like a totally nice kid.

1284
01:00:24,960 --> 01:00:28,240
Speaker 1: Whatever it is, we say naughty things right, And so

1285
01:00:28,360 --> 01:00:30,760
Speaker 1: I'm the only one in class who can't read right.

1286
01:00:30,840 --> 01:00:32,960
Speaker 1: And so I think an image helps here a lot

1287
01:00:33,000 --> 01:00:34,880
Speaker 1: because it explains why we don't want to make them happy,

1288
01:00:34,880 --> 01:00:37,920
Speaker 1: and it explains resilience and anxiety out once. So the

1289
01:00:37,960 --> 01:00:39,720
Speaker 1: way I think I want someone to imagine this is

1290
01:00:39,760 --> 01:00:42,320
Speaker 1: your kid is kind of wandering around a garden. And

1291
01:00:42,320 --> 01:00:45,760
Speaker 1: there's benches in this garden, a lot of them, and

1292
01:00:45,880 --> 01:00:47,680
Speaker 1: right now they're on the bench of I'm the only

1293
01:00:47,720 --> 01:00:50,080
Speaker 1: one who can't read. But I think you and I

1294
01:00:50,160 --> 01:00:52,160
Speaker 1: j we know that's not really the bench. The benches

1295
01:00:52,360 --> 01:00:54,320
Speaker 1: I see people who are able to do things I

1296
01:00:54,360 --> 01:00:57,520
Speaker 1: can't do, or I feel jealous or I feel less then,

1297
01:00:57,600 --> 01:01:00,760
Speaker 1: and the truth is that is a bench you will

1298
01:01:00,760 --> 01:01:04,680
Speaker 1: sit on at various times for the rest of your life.

1299
01:01:04,840 --> 01:01:08,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, that feeling of everyone else can read better than

1300
01:01:08,040 --> 01:01:10,680
Speaker 2: me is something like college.

1301
01:01:11,000 --> 01:01:14,680
Speaker 1: Life, or maybe it's I wasn't invited to you know,

1302
01:01:15,720 --> 01:01:19,000
Speaker 1: whoever's birthday party, you know what you're gonna I'm not

1303
01:01:19,080 --> 01:01:22,440
Speaker 1: included in something. I don't have that popular belong the

1304
01:01:22,480 --> 01:01:24,000
Speaker 1: rest of your life. So if I picture my kid

1305
01:01:24,000 --> 01:01:26,400
Speaker 1: on this bench, I think as parents, we often have

1306
01:01:26,400 --> 01:01:28,920
Speaker 1: two instincts. Number One, we try to we try to

1307
01:01:28,960 --> 01:01:31,560
Speaker 1: convince our kid that their bench isn't their bench. That

1308
01:01:31,600 --> 01:01:33,840
Speaker 1: can't be true. You can't be the only one not

1309
01:01:33,880 --> 01:01:35,920
Speaker 1: reading yet, even though our kid is kind of like

1310
01:01:36,320 --> 01:01:40,160
Speaker 1: telling them right, which, over time, if that's the pattern,

1311
01:01:40,200 --> 01:01:44,120
Speaker 1: creates a ton of self distrust. Oh maybe other people

1312
01:01:44,280 --> 01:01:47,240
Speaker 1: know how to perceive my world better than I know

1313
01:01:47,320 --> 01:01:49,320
Speaker 1: how to perceive this world, all in the name of

1314
01:01:49,360 --> 01:01:52,080
Speaker 1: trying to not make my kid uncomfortable, Or we see

1315
01:01:52,080 --> 01:01:54,320
Speaker 1: a sunny bench on that side of the garden and

1316
01:01:54,360 --> 01:01:57,160
Speaker 1: we're kind of like, just come, you're an amazing lacrosse player,

1317
01:01:57,320 --> 01:01:59,880
Speaker 1: you're the fastest kid, but you're an amazing artist, and

1318
01:02:00,240 --> 01:02:02,800
Speaker 1: all of that can be true. But if you think

1319
01:02:02,840 --> 01:02:06,480
Speaker 1: about to me what anxiety is, I don't think anxiety

1320
01:02:06,520 --> 01:02:09,800
Speaker 1: is a feeling as much as it's a running away

1321
01:02:09,840 --> 01:02:12,600
Speaker 1: from a feeling. It's kind of the experience of I

1322
01:02:12,920 --> 01:02:16,400
Speaker 1: don't want to be feeling the way I am right now.

1323
01:02:17,040 --> 01:02:19,280
Speaker 1: So a kid is wiring up their body. They're understanding

1324
01:02:19,320 --> 01:02:22,240
Speaker 1: how the world works, and they're understanding in childhood what

1325
01:02:22,440 --> 01:02:27,160
Speaker 1: feelings and experiences are tolerable and what feelings and experiences

1326
01:02:27,240 --> 01:02:31,000
Speaker 1: are intolerable. The latter become anxiety. So Mom, I'm the

1327
01:02:31,080 --> 01:02:33,080
Speaker 1: only one who can't read, and I'm like, oh, that's

1328
01:02:33,080 --> 01:02:35,600
Speaker 1: not true, or you know, I just kind of fix

1329
01:02:35,680 --> 01:02:37,920
Speaker 1: it right away, or I throw them a party to

1330
01:02:37,960 --> 01:02:40,160
Speaker 1: make them distracted. So what does my kid learn in

1331
01:02:40,200 --> 01:02:44,640
Speaker 1: their body? I was feeling disappointed, less than and what

1332
01:02:44,760 --> 01:02:49,360
Speaker 1: kids wire next is our response, and what comes next

1333
01:02:49,560 --> 01:02:54,440
Speaker 1: is escape into happiness, escape into distraction. And if we

1334
01:02:54,480 --> 01:02:57,440
Speaker 1: think about this bench, my kid is sitting on this bench,

1335
01:02:58,440 --> 01:03:01,520
Speaker 1: and I think we're all in those moments just looking

1336
01:03:01,520 --> 01:03:03,800
Speaker 1: for someone to sit down next to us. Because the

1337
01:03:03,840 --> 01:03:06,440
Speaker 1: thing is, if my parent can sit on this bench

1338
01:03:06,480 --> 01:03:10,240
Speaker 1: with me, it can't be as awful as.

1339
01:03:10,120 --> 01:03:10,680
Speaker 2: I think it is.

1340
01:03:11,120 --> 01:03:13,640
Speaker 1: It literally can. If they yank me from it or

1341
01:03:13,680 --> 01:03:15,640
Speaker 1: try to convince me it's not true. What they're really

1342
01:03:15,720 --> 01:03:21,000
Speaker 1: saying is you're feeling upset, but I I can't really

1343
01:03:21,040 --> 01:03:23,959
Speaker 1: connect to the part of you that feels this way.

1344
01:03:24,160 --> 01:03:28,240
Speaker 1: I can't do that. That is so scary for a

1345
01:03:28,320 --> 01:03:30,760
Speaker 1: kid because they're like, I guess this really is bad.

1346
01:03:31,520 --> 01:03:34,080
Speaker 1: And so in the name of kind of making our

1347
01:03:34,160 --> 01:03:39,000
Speaker 1: kid happy, what we really do is we develop a

1348
01:03:39,040 --> 01:03:42,960
Speaker 1: whole range of emotions our kids learn are intolerable, and

1349
01:03:43,160 --> 01:03:45,880
Speaker 1: if we think about what anxiety is later on, kind

1350
01:03:45,920 --> 01:03:47,960
Speaker 1: of okay, So let's say this kid later on. Again,

1351
01:03:48,240 --> 01:03:51,280
Speaker 1: this is not one intervention, This would be many, many patterns. Right,

1352
01:03:51,640 --> 01:03:55,240
Speaker 1: But whenever a kid is upset, optimize for happiness. Optimize

1353
01:03:55,280 --> 01:03:57,320
Speaker 1: for happiness. I think the thing we realize at a

1354
01:03:57,320 --> 01:04:00,960
Speaker 1: certain age it's different for everyone fourteen, eighteen, thirty, fifty,

1355
01:04:01,000 --> 01:04:04,120
Speaker 1: whatever it is, is when I'm really upset about something

1356
01:04:04,160 --> 01:04:07,680
Speaker 1: and something doesn't go my way, there actually isn't always

1357
01:04:07,680 --> 01:04:10,160
Speaker 1: an off ramp to happy. Like when I get fired

1358
01:04:10,160 --> 01:04:13,320
Speaker 1: from my job, I'm not gonna be happy in an hour.

1359
01:04:13,880 --> 01:04:16,840
Speaker 1: I mean, and I mean this, I mean seriously. I guess,

1360
01:04:16,840 --> 01:04:18,920
Speaker 1: maybe if I go to drugs, I'll be happy right away.

1361
01:04:19,240 --> 01:04:21,600
Speaker 1: I mean maybe if I have something else. But feelings

1362
01:04:21,600 --> 01:04:24,040
Speaker 1: don't work that way. Yeah, And there's no one I

1363
01:04:24,040 --> 01:04:26,920
Speaker 1: don't think, who's just given me a new job. And

1364
01:04:27,000 --> 01:04:28,920
Speaker 1: so by the time I get to those hard moments

1365
01:04:28,920 --> 01:04:32,640
Speaker 1: in adult life, either I've developed the ability to cope

1366
01:04:32,800 --> 01:04:40,400
Speaker 1: with feelings or I'm so accustomed to always expecting happiness

1367
01:04:40,800 --> 01:04:43,760
Speaker 1: that ironically the way I feel my distress is even

1368
01:04:43,880 --> 01:04:47,920
Speaker 1: more intense because the gap is so big. Right, It's

1369
01:04:48,000 --> 01:04:50,200
Speaker 1: kind of like the light goes on of distress, and

1370
01:04:50,240 --> 01:04:53,840
Speaker 1: I've always expected it to go totally off. I don't

1371
01:04:53,880 --> 01:04:57,160
Speaker 1: even have a dimmer switch anymore. It's just on. Is horrible,

1372
01:04:57,160 --> 01:04:59,120
Speaker 1: and I need it to go off. When I think

1373
01:04:59,160 --> 01:05:00,920
Speaker 1: about what that means, I like to get parents like

1374
01:05:00,960 --> 01:05:04,480
Speaker 1: an alternative. My kid says, I'm the only new in

1375
01:05:04,480 --> 01:05:06,600
Speaker 1: my class who can't read. I actually think there's three

1376
01:05:06,640 --> 01:05:09,920
Speaker 1: lines because I like it's great. Yeah, that can like

1377
01:05:10,160 --> 01:05:12,760
Speaker 1: really embody the idea of what I say. Like, we

1378
01:05:12,800 --> 01:05:15,200
Speaker 1: always say a good inside the feelings bench, sit on

1379
01:05:15,200 --> 01:05:18,960
Speaker 1: the bench, sit on the bench, and you become a benchwarmer. Right,

1380
01:05:19,080 --> 01:05:23,320
Speaker 1: So the first one is just I'm so glad you're

1381
01:05:23,360 --> 01:05:26,520
Speaker 1: talking to me about this. This is so powerful. In marriage,

1382
01:05:26,560 --> 01:05:30,400
Speaker 1: do like or work? You know, Hey, I feel like

1383
01:05:30,400 --> 01:05:32,480
Speaker 1: you've been on your phone a lot, and I don't know,

1384
01:05:32,560 --> 01:05:35,400
Speaker 1: I feel really disconnected. Imagine if the first thing your

1385
01:05:35,440 --> 01:05:38,640
Speaker 1: partner say back is I'm so glad you're talking to

1386
01:05:38,640 --> 01:05:40,919
Speaker 1: me about this What you're actually saying in a deep

1387
01:05:40,960 --> 01:05:43,440
Speaker 1: attachment way is the part of you who feels this

1388
01:05:43,480 --> 01:05:46,280
Speaker 1: way is attachable to me. I'm sitting with you. I'm

1389
01:05:46,280 --> 01:05:48,600
Speaker 1: so glad you're talking to me about this. Yeah. They

1390
01:05:48,640 --> 01:05:51,000
Speaker 1: were handing out books and everyone got chapter books and

1391
01:05:51,280 --> 01:05:55,400
Speaker 1: I got this baby picture book. Oh. The second line,

1392
01:05:55,480 --> 01:05:59,160
Speaker 1: ultimate confidence builder, is just I believe you. We can

1393
01:05:59,200 --> 01:06:00,520
Speaker 1: talk more about that. I think those are the three

1394
01:06:00,680 --> 01:06:04,160
Speaker 1: most important lines in parenting often just I believe you.

1395
01:06:04,840 --> 01:06:07,960
Speaker 1: And then the third is going to feel remarkably unsophisticated,

1396
01:06:08,320 --> 01:06:10,520
Speaker 1: but it's so powerful. It's just tell me more, tell

1397
01:06:10,560 --> 01:06:12,560
Speaker 1: me more. Oh yeah. And then then it was like

1398
01:06:12,640 --> 01:06:14,560
Speaker 1: me in a reading group of one and my friends

1399
01:06:14,560 --> 01:06:16,960
Speaker 1: are on this other reading group, and the amazing thing

1400
01:06:17,000 --> 01:06:19,560
Speaker 1: that happens ninety nine percent of the time. So glad

1401
01:06:19,560 --> 01:06:21,439
Speaker 1: you're talking to me about this. I believe you. Tell

1402
01:06:21,480 --> 01:06:23,960
Speaker 1: me more. Your kid then tells you the story. What

1403
01:06:24,000 --> 01:06:25,800
Speaker 1: you're really saying is, I'm on the bench with you.

1404
01:06:25,840 --> 01:06:27,320
Speaker 1: I'm not afraid of this bench. I don't need to

1405
01:06:27,320 --> 01:06:29,360
Speaker 1: take you to a sunny bench. I'm here. How bad

1406
01:06:29,400 --> 01:06:31,440
Speaker 1: could a bench be if I'm willing to sit on it.

1407
01:06:31,480 --> 01:06:34,120
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna let us both self destruct, I am here,

1408
01:06:34,200 --> 01:06:36,000
Speaker 1: and then what happens ninety nine percent of the time,

1409
01:06:36,040 --> 01:06:38,080
Speaker 1: truly in this visual is your kid gets off the

1410
01:06:38,080 --> 01:06:40,720
Speaker 1: bench before you do. They literally like I've seen this

1411
01:06:40,760 --> 01:06:43,280
Speaker 1: a millionis of my kids are like, oh, can I

1412
01:06:43,280 --> 01:06:44,840
Speaker 1: have that snack now? And I'm like, I'm sorry, what,

1413
01:06:45,000 --> 01:06:49,480
Speaker 1: Oh okay? Like you just wanted to know that I

1414
01:06:49,520 --> 01:06:51,520
Speaker 1: could tolerate this, that I could be with you in this,

1415
01:06:51,600 --> 01:06:54,000
Speaker 1: And then what we do in their body is not

1416
01:06:54,120 --> 01:06:56,280
Speaker 1: with the story, because the story is just a representation

1417
01:06:56,360 --> 01:07:00,560
Speaker 1: of a feeling, disappointment, jealousy, embarrassment, whatever it is, has

1418
01:07:00,600 --> 01:07:02,560
Speaker 1: a little bit more of a container and a home,

1419
01:07:03,000 --> 01:07:05,400
Speaker 1: So the next time a kid feels that feeling, it's

1420
01:07:05,440 --> 01:07:07,680
Speaker 1: not as panicky as as a home. And if you

1421
01:07:07,720 --> 01:07:10,160
Speaker 1: think about your body as all these jars of feelings,

1422
01:07:10,200 --> 01:07:13,360
Speaker 1: and this is the irony about happiness. The more jars

1423
01:07:13,480 --> 01:07:17,560
Speaker 1: we have to contain different parts of our distress, the

1424
01:07:17,600 --> 01:07:21,360
Speaker 1: more space there is for happiness. Anyway.

1425
01:07:21,880 --> 01:07:24,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's that's a beautiful visual as well. It's a

1426
01:07:24,680 --> 01:07:27,960
Speaker 2: really nice thing to think about. But first, here's a

1427
01:07:28,040 --> 01:07:32,120
Speaker 2: quick word from the brands that support the show. All right,

1428
01:07:32,200 --> 01:07:34,960
Speaker 2: thank you to our sponsors. Now let's dive back in.

1429
01:07:35,480 --> 01:07:39,000
Speaker 2: Is there a part of that? Do you then address

1430
01:07:39,280 --> 01:07:42,360
Speaker 2: the reading challenge or what do you do from a

1431
01:07:42,400 --> 01:07:44,560
Speaker 2: product for stamp on that after that moment?

1432
01:07:44,720 --> 01:07:47,600
Speaker 1: Love it so right? So let's say this is happening

1433
01:07:47,760 --> 01:07:49,720
Speaker 1: and then you're thinking like does my kid need a

1434
01:07:49,800 --> 01:07:51,880
Speaker 1: reading tutor? Do I just need to spend it right?

1435
01:07:51,960 --> 01:07:54,600
Speaker 1: All of that can happen now. I think what kids

1436
01:07:54,640 --> 01:07:57,320
Speaker 1: really feel in our first response, oh, the only one

1437
01:07:57,360 --> 01:07:59,440
Speaker 1: who class can't read? Okay, one second, I'm calling the

1438
01:07:59,480 --> 01:08:02,360
Speaker 1: reader tutor right now. In a way, the visual again

1439
01:08:02,480 --> 01:08:03,880
Speaker 1: is like my kid is still alone on the bench,

1440
01:08:03,920 --> 01:08:04,560
Speaker 1: like where'd.

1441
01:08:04,280 --> 01:08:05,720
Speaker 2: My mom go? Where might dad go?

1442
01:08:05,800 --> 01:08:07,480
Speaker 1: She is like, you know, I just so I would

1443
01:08:07,520 --> 01:08:11,000
Speaker 1: say again, just like stay for a bit. I think

1444
01:08:11,280 --> 01:08:14,080
Speaker 1: one of the most underutilized things in parenting is time.

1445
01:08:14,920 --> 01:08:17,479
Speaker 1: It's like yeah, and I think we do yeah, or

1446
01:08:17,479 --> 01:08:19,880
Speaker 1: maybe we do have you know, I can call that tutor.

1447
01:08:19,920 --> 01:08:21,840
Speaker 1: Why don't I just give myself to the night, let

1448
01:08:21,920 --> 01:08:24,840
Speaker 1: me sleep on it, because my kid is going to

1449
01:08:24,880 --> 01:08:28,360
Speaker 1: pick up on kind of my panic and my own

1450
01:08:28,400 --> 01:08:32,040
Speaker 1: anxiety around it. So absolutely, if that was me, I

1451
01:08:32,120 --> 01:08:34,720
Speaker 1: might think, ooh, maybe I need to sit with my kid,

1452
01:08:34,760 --> 01:08:37,240
Speaker 1: Maybe I need to teach them some phonics. It doesn't

1453
01:08:37,280 --> 01:08:38,920
Speaker 1: have anything to do with phonics. Are they a kid

1454
01:08:38,960 --> 01:08:41,479
Speaker 1: who's kind of perfectionistic and they're just not wanting to

1455
01:08:41,520 --> 01:08:44,400
Speaker 1: try because they're failing. Do they have a sibling who's

1456
01:08:44,560 --> 01:08:48,120
Speaker 1: really gifted and so they've labeled themselves as the not smarket? Again,

1457
01:08:48,160 --> 01:08:50,080
Speaker 1: there could be a million things that might not even

1458
01:08:50,080 --> 01:08:52,639
Speaker 1: be an academic tutor. But I think when you sit

1459
01:08:52,680 --> 01:08:54,800
Speaker 1: on the bench, you give yourself also a little bit

1460
01:08:54,880 --> 01:08:58,200
Speaker 1: more time to tolerate it. You can access your curious

1461
01:08:58,280 --> 01:09:02,360
Speaker 1: mind and then absolutely, of course I love taking action,

1462
01:09:02,920 --> 01:09:06,680
Speaker 1: but it would be from like a sturdier place and

1463
01:09:06,720 --> 01:09:08,360
Speaker 1: in a way that's actually going to be more helpful

1464
01:09:08,360 --> 01:09:08,800
Speaker 1: to your kid.

1465
01:09:08,960 --> 01:09:11,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's I could agree more. I mean, I know

1466
01:09:11,880 --> 01:09:15,519
Speaker 2: when I've done the healthy thing or the unhealthy thing

1467
01:09:15,520 --> 01:09:18,880
Speaker 2: in my marriage, Like it's really common. I remember the

1468
01:09:18,920 --> 01:09:21,040
Speaker 2: other day my wife approached me and she had this

1469
01:09:21,120 --> 01:09:24,160
Speaker 2: new business idea that she just shared with me randomly

1470
01:09:24,200 --> 01:09:25,840
Speaker 2: in a moment. I was like, yeah, we can't do

1471
01:09:25,880 --> 01:09:27,720
Speaker 2: that right now because doing this thing over here, like

1472
01:09:27,760 --> 01:09:30,320
Speaker 2: we're already building this and that's gonna and she was like,

1473
01:09:30,439 --> 01:09:33,000
Speaker 2: just give me an opportunity to just tell you about it. Like,

1474
01:09:33,280 --> 01:09:34,960
Speaker 2: and she said, and she called me out in a

1475
01:09:35,040 --> 01:09:37,040
Speaker 2: nice way, and she was just like, I literally just

1476
01:09:37,080 --> 01:09:39,519
Speaker 2: wanted to share something I was really enthusiastic about. And

1477
01:09:39,560 --> 01:09:41,000
Speaker 2: I was like, oh god.

1478
01:09:41,439 --> 01:09:44,080
Speaker 1: She's like sit on my enthusiasm bench for a moment.

1479
01:09:44,080 --> 01:09:46,680
Speaker 2: Actually, that's all she wanted to do. And you know,

1480
01:09:46,800 --> 01:09:50,000
Speaker 2: she was more than willing to hear my logical reason

1481
01:09:50,080 --> 01:09:52,439
Speaker 2: as to why it is not the right time or

1482
01:09:52,479 --> 01:09:55,120
Speaker 2: maybe it was or maybe I and I was And

1483
01:09:55,160 --> 01:09:59,479
Speaker 2: again it was a complete reflection of my own insecurity anxiety.

1484
01:09:59,520 --> 01:10:02,639
Speaker 2: I was having something else, yeah, and I was reflecting

1485
01:10:02,640 --> 01:10:05,200
Speaker 2: them projecting that onto her, and she was kind enough

1486
01:10:05,200 --> 01:10:06,880
Speaker 2: to call it out to me in a way that

1487
01:10:06,920 --> 01:10:09,280
Speaker 2: didn't lead to an argument, which you may have in

1488
01:10:09,320 --> 01:10:12,000
Speaker 2: the past, like you know, which maybe maybe five years

1489
01:10:12,040 --> 01:10:14,240
Speaker 2: we've been together for twelve years, but five years ago,

1490
01:10:14,320 --> 01:10:16,720
Speaker 2: maybe we would have dealt with that very differently. But

1491
01:10:16,840 --> 01:10:18,280
Speaker 2: her being able to say that to me, I was like, yeah,

1492
01:10:18,280 --> 01:10:20,759
Speaker 2: you're right, actually, like you just were excited to share

1493
01:10:20,800 --> 01:10:23,160
Speaker 2: something with me, and I had the time I was

1494
01:10:23,200 --> 01:10:25,479
Speaker 2: there with you, I was just giving you. I wasn't

1495
01:10:25,479 --> 01:10:26,240
Speaker 2: even listening.

1496
01:10:26,720 --> 01:10:29,519
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I just want to be clear, like I

1497
01:10:29,560 --> 01:10:32,320
Speaker 1: talk a really good game this whole sitting on the

1498
01:10:32,320 --> 01:10:34,240
Speaker 1: bench thing. It's it's hard. Of course I don't do

1499
01:10:34,280 --> 01:10:36,600
Speaker 1: that all the time. We're all, of course rush, we

1500
01:10:36,680 --> 01:10:39,280
Speaker 1: just want to fix and move on. But these ideas

1501
01:10:39,320 --> 01:10:42,200
Speaker 1: and doing them a little bit more often, or trying

1502
01:10:42,240 --> 01:10:45,839
Speaker 1: them one time, Yeah, it's really cool to see what happens.

1503
01:10:45,920 --> 01:10:47,320
Speaker 2: Well, I think you hit the nail on it, the

1504
01:10:47,400 --> 01:10:51,240
Speaker 2: fix and move on. It's like that. We want to

1505
01:10:51,360 --> 01:10:54,800
Speaker 2: remove the pain of the people we love, right We

1506
01:10:54,840 --> 01:10:57,759
Speaker 2: want to be able to extract the pain in that moment,

1507
01:10:57,800 --> 01:11:00,280
Speaker 2: and we see that as success for us. Help healthy

1508
01:11:00,320 --> 01:11:03,120
Speaker 2: parenting or healthy relation is if you share a pain

1509
01:11:03,200 --> 01:11:05,280
Speaker 2: with me, if I can take it away right now,

1510
01:11:05,320 --> 01:11:07,960
Speaker 2: like magic, then I've done my job. And therefore we

1511
01:11:08,000 --> 01:11:11,160
Speaker 2: call the tutor. I say, oh, hear all the logical,

1512
01:11:11,200 --> 01:11:14,960
Speaker 2: realistic reasons. Don't worry about it is this fix and

1513
01:11:15,000 --> 01:11:17,760
Speaker 2: move on. And what you're asking us to do is

1514
01:11:17,840 --> 01:11:21,160
Speaker 2: not fix until later. It's almost like, don't move sit

1515
01:11:21,280 --> 01:11:24,519
Speaker 2: right here, yeah, and then think about fixing it maybe

1516
01:11:24,560 --> 01:11:26,560
Speaker 2: in twenty four hours, forty eight hours and trying to

1517
01:11:26,560 --> 01:11:29,519
Speaker 2: figure out what the problem is. But it's completely the

1518
01:11:29,560 --> 01:11:31,680
Speaker 2: opposite of what we think success is.

1519
01:11:32,120 --> 01:11:34,320
Speaker 1: It is and I think kind of having that idea

1520
01:11:34,840 --> 01:11:37,960
Speaker 1: in your mind really matters to start the different actions,

1521
01:11:38,000 --> 01:11:40,000
Speaker 1: Like wait, even if I just say it, like, we

1522
01:11:40,080 --> 01:11:42,439
Speaker 1: have to try on the ideas before we believe them.

1523
01:11:42,840 --> 01:11:45,960
Speaker 1: It's not my job to remove my kid's distress. It's

1524
01:11:46,080 --> 01:11:49,760
Speaker 1: not my job to make my kid happy. If my

1525
01:11:49,920 --> 01:11:53,400
Speaker 1: kid has a really hard day, that is not a

1526
01:11:53,439 --> 01:11:57,160
Speaker 1: sign I have failed. Now, I like to take hard

1527
01:11:57,160 --> 01:11:59,160
Speaker 1: ideas and turn them like so far on their head

1528
01:11:59,160 --> 01:12:01,040
Speaker 1: that they become hyper. And so I'll share it here

1529
01:12:01,040 --> 01:12:03,679
Speaker 1: because it might be useful because now that I work

1530
01:12:03,720 --> 01:12:06,759
Speaker 1: the amount I do, right, I think about the time

1531
01:12:06,800 --> 01:12:08,599
Speaker 1: that I have with my kids, right, I'm like, I

1532
01:12:08,640 --> 01:12:10,920
Speaker 1: really want to make the most out of it. And

1533
01:12:10,960 --> 01:12:13,080
Speaker 1: there was this period when my kids were younger. I

1534
01:12:13,080 --> 01:12:15,360
Speaker 1: was like, man, I come home, it's just like a

1535
01:12:15,479 --> 01:12:18,720
Speaker 1: tantrum and whining, and it's really easy. I hear this

1536
01:12:18,760 --> 01:12:20,640
Speaker 1: from friends too, Like that's what I come home too.

1537
01:12:21,160 --> 01:12:23,920
Speaker 1: I bust my butt to leave work early, to come

1538
01:12:23,960 --> 01:12:27,440
Speaker 1: home to the tantrum, to the whining. Okay, but here's

1539
01:12:27,479 --> 01:12:29,519
Speaker 1: the way to shift it, right, or to hear about

1540
01:12:29,520 --> 01:12:32,960
Speaker 1: my kid being left out these painful things. I know

1541
01:12:33,000 --> 01:12:34,640
Speaker 1: a lot of people, and I definitely would put you

1542
01:12:34,680 --> 01:12:37,640
Speaker 1: in this category who are driven by impact, And I

1543
01:12:37,680 --> 01:12:39,320
Speaker 1: actually think as humans we have a lot of needs.

1544
01:12:39,360 --> 01:12:41,240
Speaker 1: I actually think impact is in need, Like I think

1545
01:12:41,280 --> 01:12:44,000
Speaker 1: we need to feel impactful in the world when our

1546
01:12:44,080 --> 01:12:47,519
Speaker 1: kids are perfectly happy. Oh mom, you came home from work.

1547
01:12:47,560 --> 01:12:49,519
Speaker 1: Thank you. Also, I got one hundred on my test,

1548
01:12:49,640 --> 01:12:51,840
Speaker 1: and three of my friends are planning parties. I was

1549
01:12:51,840 --> 01:12:54,479
Speaker 1: invited to all of them, and in general just feel

1550
01:12:54,479 --> 01:12:56,320
Speaker 1: in ten out of ten. Okay, that's never happened, but

1551
01:12:56,400 --> 01:12:58,799
Speaker 1: let's just say that did. I would love to witness

1552
01:12:58,840 --> 01:13:00,880
Speaker 1: that moment, but I promise you I'm not impactful in

1553
01:13:00,880 --> 01:13:04,080
Speaker 1: my kid's life in that moment. My kid's fine, moving on.

1554
01:13:04,280 --> 01:13:06,080
Speaker 1: I don't even know how many of us need anybody

1555
01:13:06,240 --> 01:13:06,960
Speaker 1: when that's happening.

1556
01:13:07,040 --> 01:13:07,920
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1557
01:13:07,960 --> 01:13:10,000
Speaker 1: But I started to do this reframe to myself, and

1558
01:13:10,000 --> 01:13:12,120
Speaker 1: it was very extreme because that's the only way it

1559
01:13:12,160 --> 01:13:14,639
Speaker 1: caught for me. Where I was coming home, my kid

1560
01:13:14,680 --> 01:13:17,880
Speaker 1: was having that tantrum about whatever it is, the blue

1561
01:13:17,880 --> 01:13:20,400
Speaker 1: cup wasn't blue enough today, I don't know something like that.

1562
01:13:21,600 --> 01:13:26,160
Speaker 1: And I started to say to myself, Becky, this is

1563
01:13:26,240 --> 01:13:30,760
Speaker 1: my bang for my buck moment. Literally, this is the

1564
01:13:30,840 --> 01:13:34,519
Speaker 1: moment if I'm driven by impact that I want to

1565
01:13:34,520 --> 01:13:37,200
Speaker 1: be home for because my kid is probably just releasing

1566
01:13:37,240 --> 01:13:39,479
Speaker 1: the stress of their day or the blue cup is

1567
01:13:39,520 --> 01:13:41,160
Speaker 1: too blue as a way of saying, there's so many

1568
01:13:41,240 --> 01:13:42,920
Speaker 1: little things in my day, mom, that didn't go the

1569
01:13:42,920 --> 01:13:45,200
Speaker 1: way I wanted and I haven't released it until now,

1570
01:13:45,680 --> 01:13:47,760
Speaker 1: And if I can be there in that moment. Don't

1571
01:13:47,760 --> 01:13:49,680
Speaker 1: get me wrong, I'm not going to say it's like

1572
01:13:49,720 --> 01:13:54,920
Speaker 1: purely enjoyable, but oh my goodness, is it impactful and

1573
01:13:54,960 --> 01:13:58,000
Speaker 1: that really really matters down the.

1574
01:13:58,040 --> 01:14:00,559
Speaker 2: Road, and it motivates you too in the moment kind of.

1575
01:14:00,640 --> 01:14:03,320
Speaker 1: Does motivate me. The other thing that motivates me too

1576
01:14:03,479 --> 01:14:06,040
Speaker 1: is you know, I think about this thing that happened

1577
01:14:06,360 --> 01:14:09,680
Speaker 1: with one of my kids where they have these projects

1578
01:14:09,680 --> 01:14:11,960
Speaker 1: in his school, and some of the projects for this

1579
01:14:12,000 --> 01:14:13,920
Speaker 1: week are really good. They're like amazing. We live in

1580
01:14:13,920 --> 01:14:16,200
Speaker 1: New York, They're like these amazing opportunities, and I've think

1581
01:14:16,320 --> 01:14:18,000
Speaker 1: three or four of them are like everyone's like those

1582
01:14:18,000 --> 01:14:20,680
Speaker 1: are the bad ones, like life. So there's how good

1583
01:14:20,720 --> 01:14:22,639
Speaker 1: of a project you get? And then also they split

1584
01:14:22,720 --> 01:14:24,400
Speaker 1: up kids into groups, so kids want to be at

1585
01:14:24,400 --> 01:14:26,280
Speaker 1: their friends, so there's always factors how many of my

1586
01:14:26,280 --> 01:14:28,559
Speaker 1: friends am I with? Did I get the good project.

1587
01:14:28,640 --> 01:14:32,519
Speaker 1: First project we came out my son and it just

1588
01:14:32,640 --> 01:14:35,840
Speaker 1: was the worst project with not a soul. He knew.

1589
01:14:35,880 --> 01:14:39,640
Speaker 1: It was like the yeah, yeah, so this is the

1590
01:14:39,640 --> 01:14:42,600
Speaker 1: moment I think, am I kid my son? Obviously he

1591
01:14:42,760 --> 01:14:44,519
Speaker 1: was like really upset? Again, I don't know have kids

1592
01:14:44,520 --> 01:14:46,200
Speaker 1: who were like this is a learning moment. No, he

1593
01:14:46,280 --> 01:14:47,840
Speaker 1: was like really upset? Why is this the case?

1594
01:14:47,920 --> 01:14:48,040
Speaker 2: Right?

1595
01:14:48,760 --> 01:14:51,599
Speaker 1: Okay? So the phrase I've developed that I do think

1596
01:14:51,680 --> 01:14:53,920
Speaker 1: is powerful just because it gets me a different mindset

1597
01:14:54,200 --> 01:14:57,799
Speaker 1: is sick joy. And I'll explain what I mean. Okay,

1598
01:14:58,520 --> 01:15:03,200
Speaker 1: I know what really matters life going forward is being

1599
01:15:03,200 --> 01:15:05,080
Speaker 1: able to stay grounded when things don't go your way.

1600
01:15:05,960 --> 01:15:07,880
Speaker 1: He might not get into his college at first choice.

1601
01:15:07,920 --> 01:15:10,120
Speaker 1: He might not get the job he wants. He might,

1602
01:15:10,600 --> 01:15:12,400
Speaker 1: you know, whatever it is, go buy a car and

1603
01:15:12,439 --> 01:15:13,960
Speaker 1: he thinks he's getting a certain car and they don't

1604
01:15:13,960 --> 01:15:15,960
Speaker 1: have that one in stock. I mean, not getting the

1605
01:15:15,960 --> 01:15:19,559
Speaker 1: thing you want is It happens every day in adult life,

1606
01:15:19,640 --> 01:15:21,479
Speaker 1: and I think you and I know adults who are

1607
01:15:21,520 --> 01:15:24,320
Speaker 1: no more prepared to deal with those situations well than

1608
01:15:24,320 --> 01:15:26,679
Speaker 1: they were when they were two. It's just adult versions

1609
01:15:26,720 --> 01:15:30,880
Speaker 1: of tantrums. We can't build skills for experiences we don't have.

1610
01:15:31,040 --> 01:15:34,080
Speaker 1: We can't buy that skill. We can't verbalize it, we

1611
01:15:34,120 --> 01:15:36,640
Speaker 1: can't lecture it. You have to feel it. It's just

1612
01:15:36,680 --> 01:15:39,840
Speaker 1: the unfortunate truth. And I think, especially if you live

1613
01:15:39,840 --> 01:15:42,280
Speaker 1: a life where there's a decent amount of privilege, my

1614
01:15:42,400 --> 01:15:45,759
Speaker 1: kids have, like there's a lot of ease in moments

1615
01:15:46,360 --> 01:15:48,160
Speaker 1: and so look, I did not say to my son

1616
01:15:48,280 --> 01:15:50,160
Speaker 1: because I don't want to. I'm not going to walk

1617
01:15:50,200 --> 01:15:52,800
Speaker 1: myself into a bomb. This is a good situation. No,

1618
01:15:52,880 --> 01:15:55,360
Speaker 1: I'm not going to say that, Okay, but in my head,

1619
01:15:56,040 --> 01:15:59,040
Speaker 1: I really mean this. Instead of being like my urge

1620
01:15:59,120 --> 01:16:01,400
Speaker 1: is to take that away, I'm like, you know what,

1621
01:16:01,600 --> 01:16:04,519
Speaker 1: like I have a little sick joy like this is.

1622
01:16:04,720 --> 01:16:06,160
Speaker 1: This is not going to be fun for the next

1623
01:16:06,160 --> 01:16:09,320
Speaker 1: three days. First of all, he needs to borrow my

1624
01:16:09,400 --> 01:16:11,639
Speaker 1: belief in him. If I can't believe he can get

1625
01:16:11,640 --> 01:16:13,719
Speaker 1: through this, if I am, I calling the school right away,

1626
01:16:13,760 --> 01:16:16,120
Speaker 1: you need to change. What I'm really saying to him

1627
01:16:16,160 --> 01:16:20,000
Speaker 1: is I see you as a very fragile human and

1628
01:16:20,120 --> 01:16:23,559
Speaker 1: kids form their identity through us. We are their mirror,

1629
01:16:23,680 --> 01:16:26,400
Speaker 1: We show them who they are. I'm basically saying you

1630
01:16:26,439 --> 01:16:29,960
Speaker 1: are fragile. You can only operate successfully when things go

1631
01:16:30,080 --> 01:16:32,720
Speaker 1: your way ish and title man, all the things we

1632
01:16:32,760 --> 01:16:35,720
Speaker 1: don't want, and so a party. The party is like,

1633
01:16:35,800 --> 01:16:38,960
Speaker 1: this is so good for him. It's actually funny. There

1634
01:16:38,960 --> 01:16:40,840
Speaker 1: are this is this dynamic you'll see when you if

1635
01:16:40,880 --> 01:16:42,800
Speaker 1: you have kids, where people call the school a lot

1636
01:16:42,920 --> 01:16:44,280
Speaker 1: and they're like, I need my kid to be with

1637
01:16:44,320 --> 01:16:46,840
Speaker 1: this teacher and these three best friends. I was telling

1638
01:16:46,840 --> 01:16:49,000
Speaker 1: the story to one of my friends about, you know,

1639
01:16:49,040 --> 01:16:51,040
Speaker 1: the middical project, and my friend, who knows me well, goes,

1640
01:16:51,040 --> 01:16:52,960
Speaker 1: did you call the school and ask him to get

1641
01:16:52,960 --> 01:16:54,240
Speaker 1: the worst project with no friends?

1642
01:16:55,800 --> 01:16:59,479
Speaker 2: And I was like, the girl, I didn't go that far. Joy.

1643
01:17:00,040 --> 01:17:03,080
Speaker 1: That is like not like if you really totally shift

1644
01:17:03,080 --> 01:17:07,480
Speaker 1: your mindset, because how we respond, as you know, is mindset.

1645
01:17:07,520 --> 01:17:09,960
Speaker 1: It's our framework. The events are the same, but when

1646
01:17:09,960 --> 01:17:13,400
Speaker 1: your framework changes, everything changes. So if you're like, my

1647
01:17:13,479 --> 01:17:16,760
Speaker 1: kid didn't make the soccer team, holy moly, not enjoyable,

1648
01:17:16,760 --> 01:17:20,360
Speaker 1: painful for both of us. But I can really have

1649
01:17:20,439 --> 01:17:23,200
Speaker 1: an impact that probably when he's twenty five, he's not

1650
01:17:23,240 --> 01:17:26,000
Speaker 1: going to thank me for, but I know he's going

1651
01:17:26,040 --> 01:17:29,320
Speaker 1: to function better because this happened and how I showed up,

1652
01:17:29,360 --> 01:17:31,479
Speaker 1: And I think that's so amazing to hold on to

1653
01:17:31,840 --> 01:17:32,320
Speaker 1: I love.

1654
01:17:32,200 --> 01:17:34,760
Speaker 2: That for two reasons. The first is that I think

1655
01:17:34,800 --> 01:17:38,320
Speaker 2: we have a warped view of what care is. So

1656
01:17:38,360 --> 01:17:40,559
Speaker 2: we think care means let me call, let me figure

1657
01:17:40,560 --> 01:17:42,519
Speaker 2: it out, let me get you a better friend group,

1658
01:17:42,560 --> 01:17:45,160
Speaker 2: let me get you a better project. So we're thinking

1659
01:17:45,200 --> 01:17:47,280
Speaker 2: that that's what care looks like. And now my kid

1660
01:17:47,320 --> 01:17:50,599
Speaker 2: knows I care for them, But actually what you're saying

1661
01:17:50,600 --> 01:17:53,400
Speaker 2: in your words is I don't believe in you. I'm

1662
01:17:53,400 --> 01:17:55,639
Speaker 2: not sure you can get through this and I can

1663
01:17:55,680 --> 01:17:58,800
Speaker 2: fix everything. And so instead of them thinking, oh mom

1664
01:17:58,880 --> 01:18:01,880
Speaker 2: cares about me, it's mum or dad or whoever, maybe

1665
01:18:01,880 --> 01:18:05,240
Speaker 2: it can fix everything because they don't trust in me. Yes.

1666
01:18:05,560 --> 01:18:07,839
Speaker 2: And then the other part why I love that answer

1667
01:18:07,960 --> 01:18:10,519
Speaker 2: is because you're also not doing what I think we

1668
01:18:10,680 --> 01:18:13,360
Speaker 2: often do with our family and friends. And because I'm

1669
01:18:13,400 --> 01:18:14,960
Speaker 2: not a parent, I've not done it with a child.

1670
01:18:15,000 --> 01:18:19,599
Speaker 2: But you're trying to teach the lesson before living the lesson, right,

1671
01:18:19,640 --> 01:18:21,200
Speaker 2: So you're trying to teach the lesson where it's like

1672
01:18:21,360 --> 01:18:23,200
Speaker 2: this is a good thing, and your kid's like, no,

1673
01:18:23,280 --> 01:18:25,439
Speaker 2: it's not, mom, I hate this, and you're like, no,

1674
01:18:25,560 --> 01:18:27,519
Speaker 2: it's a really good thing. You learn in the long

1675
01:18:27,640 --> 01:18:29,639
Speaker 2: term that this is the best thing that I've happened

1676
01:18:29,640 --> 01:18:31,719
Speaker 2: to you. I think it's like, what are you talking about?

1677
01:18:31,760 --> 01:18:33,960
Speaker 2: And so rather than like, let's just do it for

1678
01:18:34,000 --> 01:18:35,880
Speaker 2: three days, that's exactly right.

1679
01:18:35,920 --> 01:18:40,120
Speaker 1: Like I I'm not a marathon runner. I'm not terribly

1680
01:18:40,120 --> 01:18:41,960
Speaker 1: good shape. But if I was and I was running

1681
01:18:42,000 --> 01:18:44,800
Speaker 1: a marathon and someone's like, this is an amazing thing.

1682
01:18:44,840 --> 01:18:46,680
Speaker 1: Are you loving everything? I'd be like, I'm sorry, I'm

1683
01:18:46,720 --> 01:18:48,800
Speaker 1: going to feel really good about myself the day after

1684
01:18:48,840 --> 01:18:51,960
Speaker 1: the matter. I don't know that no one feels great.

1685
01:18:52,000 --> 01:18:54,120
Speaker 1: I don't think climbing Mount Everest, you do it for

1686
01:18:54,160 --> 01:18:56,880
Speaker 1: an experience. You bear down, you know it's going to

1687
01:18:56,920 --> 01:18:59,519
Speaker 1: be really hard, and at some point you look back

1688
01:18:59,520 --> 01:19:01,200
Speaker 1: and you're like, that was good for me.

1689
01:19:01,360 --> 01:19:02,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that.

1690
01:19:02,320 --> 01:19:04,400
Speaker 1: And what you said also, that just made me have

1691
01:19:04,479 --> 01:19:07,080
Speaker 1: a new thought. When we call the school, when we

1692
01:19:07,360 --> 01:19:10,479
Speaker 1: do the puzzle, when we fix the friendship issue, right,

1693
01:19:10,520 --> 01:19:14,760
Speaker 1: assuming it's not some really intense abuse of bullying, okay,

1694
01:19:15,320 --> 01:19:20,560
Speaker 1: we might end up feeling capable, but we steal our kids' capability,

1695
01:19:20,880 --> 01:19:24,240
Speaker 1: We steal it from them. I called the school, I

1696
01:19:24,280 --> 01:19:28,000
Speaker 1: fixed it. My kid is now deprived of an opportunity

1697
01:19:28,040 --> 01:19:32,040
Speaker 1: to watch themselves do something they thought they couldn't do.

1698
01:19:31,880 --> 01:19:34,320
Speaker 1: I don't think we want to take that away from

1699
01:19:34,320 --> 01:19:34,760
Speaker 1: our kids.

1700
01:19:34,840 --> 01:19:36,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, my wife's talked about that all the time. She

1701
01:19:36,880 --> 01:19:38,840
Speaker 2: talks about it, like when she was a kid, if

1702
01:19:38,840 --> 01:19:41,640
Speaker 2: she wanted to not go to the dentist or not

1703
01:19:41,680 --> 01:19:44,200
Speaker 2: go to the doctor, whatever it was, she'd get her

1704
01:19:44,640 --> 01:19:46,720
Speaker 2: or even as a teenager at this point, she'd get

1705
01:19:46,720 --> 01:19:48,920
Speaker 2: her older sister to make the call, and she wouldn't

1706
01:19:48,960 --> 01:19:50,920
Speaker 2: want to make the call. And so as she's got older,

1707
01:19:51,120 --> 01:19:53,080
Speaker 2: it's got harder and harder and harder for making these

1708
01:19:53,080 --> 01:19:55,519
Speaker 2: calls or to cancel something or whatever it may have been.

1709
01:19:55,560 --> 01:19:59,080
Speaker 2: And it took us so long, even probably in through

1710
01:19:59,120 --> 01:20:01,680
Speaker 2: to when we fest out dating, because then she'd ask

1711
01:20:01,800 --> 01:20:03,680
Speaker 2: my opinion, to ask me to do and I'd be like, no,

1712
01:20:03,720 --> 01:20:05,800
Speaker 2: you do it right, because I grew up the other

1713
01:20:05,840 --> 01:20:07,960
Speaker 2: way where I always did everything like paid for my

1714
01:20:07,960 --> 01:20:10,040
Speaker 2: car insurance, paid for my first car, my phone bill,

1715
01:20:10,080 --> 01:20:12,000
Speaker 2: so I was very comfortable doing those things. And I

1716
01:20:12,040 --> 01:20:13,920
Speaker 2: was like, no, but I don't want to be seen

1717
01:20:13,960 --> 01:20:15,880
Speaker 2: as a savior in this situation. I also don't want

1718
01:20:15,880 --> 01:20:18,200
Speaker 2: to be seen as like I'm the hero of this

1719
01:20:18,240 --> 01:20:20,240
Speaker 2: scenario because I don't want to make you dependent on

1720
01:20:20,320 --> 01:20:23,479
Speaker 2: me for you know, for those things. And it was

1721
01:20:23,520 --> 01:20:25,439
Speaker 2: really interesting for her. And now she'd look back and

1722
01:20:25,439 --> 01:20:26,840
Speaker 2: she'd be like, oh my gosh, like I was just

1723
01:20:26,920 --> 01:20:30,920
Speaker 2: never given the opportunity. That's right, do you really? And

1724
01:20:30,960 --> 01:20:33,400
Speaker 2: I'm not going to Those things feel hard at the time,

1725
01:20:33,479 --> 01:20:36,439
Speaker 2: and so I don't want to take that away. But yeah,

1726
01:20:36,479 --> 01:20:38,960
Speaker 2: if you never get given the ability and the opportunity

1727
01:20:40,040 --> 01:20:42,240
Speaker 2: later on, it's going to make you really unstable.

1728
01:20:42,439 --> 01:20:45,800
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I'm really big on helping parents teach these kids,

1729
01:20:45,840 --> 01:20:48,920
Speaker 1: because again, I think there's a lot between two extremes.

1730
01:20:49,280 --> 01:20:52,120
Speaker 1: One extreme is I don't think about it. Okay, Like

1731
01:20:52,160 --> 01:20:54,680
Speaker 1: your kid can't make their sports practice and they have

1732
01:20:54,720 --> 01:20:56,960
Speaker 1: access to a computer for an email to their coach,

1733
01:20:57,360 --> 01:21:00,439
Speaker 1: so easy, just write the email, right, Okay. So extreme

1734
01:21:00,520 --> 01:21:02,080
Speaker 1: is write the email to your coach, and your kid

1735
01:21:02,160 --> 01:21:03,920
Speaker 1: might be like, I can't do it, right, it's not

1736
01:21:03,960 --> 01:21:05,720
Speaker 1: a big deal. Write it, And over here is I'll

1737
01:21:05,720 --> 01:21:08,040
Speaker 1: write it for you. I really believe in a middle ground.

1738
01:21:08,400 --> 01:21:11,080
Speaker 1: Your kid is nervous, right, But there's a lot between

1739
01:21:11,560 --> 01:21:13,439
Speaker 1: it's not a big deal, do it yourself, and I'll

1740
01:21:13,479 --> 01:21:15,120
Speaker 1: do it for you. And I think that can start

1741
01:21:15,160 --> 01:21:16,880
Speaker 1: with look, I get it. It's a new thing to

1742
01:21:16,880 --> 01:21:18,800
Speaker 1: write your own email. Yes, here's what I can do.

1743
01:21:19,280 --> 01:21:21,559
Speaker 1: You know, give me a couple of minutes. I need

1744
01:21:21,600 --> 01:21:23,800
Speaker 1: to finish this worst project. Then I'm going to give

1745
01:21:23,840 --> 01:21:25,880
Speaker 1: you my full attention. Let's sit at your computer together,

1746
01:21:26,360 --> 01:21:29,760
Speaker 1: and let's start writing the email together. Scaffolding, right, just

1747
01:21:29,800 --> 01:21:32,280
Speaker 1: like we kids don't go from not knowing how to

1748
01:21:32,320 --> 01:21:33,880
Speaker 1: swim to swimming in the ocean.

1749
01:21:34,040 --> 01:21:35,240
Speaker 2: Yes, there's scaffolding.

1750
01:21:35,280 --> 01:21:39,519
Speaker 1: Okay, well, how could you start? Okay, okay, I'll teach

1751
01:21:39,560 --> 01:21:43,719
Speaker 1: you. You often start dear, dear, what's your coach's name? Coach? Okay,

1752
01:21:43,720 --> 01:21:45,599
Speaker 1: oh dear, okay, yeah, and then you do a comma.

1753
01:21:45,640 --> 01:21:46,840
Speaker 1: Do you see what the comma is? Right there? But

1754
01:21:46,880 --> 01:21:48,599
Speaker 1: I make my kid press it right. Then you press

1755
01:21:48,640 --> 01:21:51,000
Speaker 1: for turn. What is something you could do? You can

1756
01:21:51,120 --> 01:21:53,200
Speaker 1: lead your kid to the water. How could you tell

1757
01:21:53,240 --> 01:21:56,439
Speaker 1: coach Mike something like I'm not able to go to

1758
01:21:56,479 --> 01:21:58,800
Speaker 1: practice today and your kid's gonna say, I guess I

1759
01:21:58,840 --> 01:22:02,680
Speaker 1: could say I'm not able to go to practice. That's yes,

1760
01:22:02,880 --> 01:22:05,719
Speaker 1: yet that great, But let them have the win, yeah,

1761
01:22:05,800 --> 01:22:08,559
Speaker 1: help them type it right? Maybe the next time you

1762
01:22:08,720 --> 01:22:11,880
Speaker 1: check in on them, like that's I think the middle ground,

1763
01:22:11,920 --> 01:22:15,040
Speaker 1: and if we think again, kids aren't born with the skills,

1764
01:22:15,120 --> 01:22:17,719
Speaker 1: And then you think about yourself as a coach. Good

1765
01:22:17,720 --> 01:22:20,559
Speaker 1: coaches in any sport don't usually say this isn't a

1766
01:22:20,560 --> 01:22:23,559
Speaker 1: big deal. Yeah, but they also don't make the layup

1767
01:22:24,000 --> 01:22:25,240
Speaker 1: for someone right.

1768
01:22:25,920 --> 01:22:27,479
Speaker 2: No, it's such a great way of putting it. It's

1769
01:22:27,960 --> 01:22:30,320
Speaker 2: and I like the whole how good insight is based

1770
01:22:30,320 --> 01:22:33,479
Speaker 2: on this middle ground, yeah, because we all get lost

1771
01:22:33,520 --> 01:22:36,120
Speaker 2: on the edges and on the corners and the extremes,

1772
01:22:36,160 --> 01:22:39,920
Speaker 2: and we keep oscillating between these two ways of being

1773
01:22:40,000 --> 01:22:41,720
Speaker 2: rather than realizing, well, it's a bit of this and

1774
01:22:41,760 --> 01:22:44,000
Speaker 2: a bit of that and probably not all the way

1775
01:22:44,000 --> 01:22:46,240
Speaker 2: on either side. And it's so much more easier to

1776
01:22:46,280 --> 01:22:48,040
Speaker 2: think about it like that, because I think our brain

1777
01:22:48,080 --> 01:22:49,720
Speaker 2: does this thing where it goes, well should I be

1778
01:22:49,760 --> 01:22:52,320
Speaker 2: assertive or should I be affectionate? And it's like we'll

1779
01:22:52,360 --> 01:22:57,120
Speaker 2: be assertively affectionate, like you know, rather than rather than yeah,

1780
01:22:57,160 --> 01:22:59,240
Speaker 2: do I be kind or do I be like you know,

1781
01:22:59,280 --> 01:23:01,599
Speaker 2: do I challenge them? And it's like, well, figure out

1782
01:23:01,600 --> 01:23:03,639
Speaker 2: a way to kindly challenge them, like, which is what

1783
01:23:03,920 --> 01:23:06,120
Speaker 2: you just did in this email writing, which was like

1784
01:23:06,160 --> 01:23:08,040
Speaker 2: it was a challenge but you were kind about it

1785
01:23:08,080 --> 01:23:10,519
Speaker 2: and all of a sudden, and it's so real that

1786
01:23:10,520 --> 01:23:12,880
Speaker 2: that's what we all want. If I think about anything

1787
01:23:12,920 --> 01:23:15,519
Speaker 2: my parents failed at teaching me, it was because it

1788
01:23:15,560 --> 01:23:17,680
Speaker 2: was just expected that I should know how to do it,

1789
01:23:18,080 --> 01:23:20,760
Speaker 2: and anything they wanted teaching me, it was because they

1790
01:23:20,800 --> 01:23:22,760
Speaker 2: sat down and did it with me, or someone did.

1791
01:23:22,760 --> 01:23:25,080
Speaker 2: And I remember I worked at a company where I

1792
01:23:25,160 --> 01:23:27,200
Speaker 2: learned how to cold call when I was like fifteen

1793
01:23:27,280 --> 01:23:29,639
Speaker 2: years old, probably one of the best lessons I've ever

1794
01:23:29,720 --> 01:23:32,000
Speaker 2: learned in my entire life. But it only worked because

1795
01:23:32,040 --> 01:23:35,280
Speaker 2: this guy called Joel sat next to me who was

1796
01:23:35,320 --> 01:23:37,400
Speaker 2: a pro at it, and he sat next to me

1797
01:23:37,520 --> 01:23:40,680
Speaker 2: for my first like ten calls and would write out

1798
01:23:40,680 --> 01:23:42,360
Speaker 2: the words for me and script and coach for me.

1799
01:23:42,680 --> 01:23:44,679
Speaker 2: And then I did two hundred nighty phone calls after

1800
01:23:44,720 --> 01:23:47,479
Speaker 2: that without him, and it was just those ten calls

1801
01:23:47,560 --> 01:23:49,200
Speaker 2: that made me feel so confident. I didn't know what

1802
01:23:49,280 --> 01:23:51,840
Speaker 2: cold calling was, and now everyone's listening going, what the

1803
01:23:51,840 --> 01:23:53,920
Speaker 2: hell is cold calling? But it was when you were

1804
01:23:53,960 --> 01:23:56,120
Speaker 2: trying to sell stuff over the phone to people you

1805
01:23:56,120 --> 01:23:59,200
Speaker 2: didn't know, and back in the day, back in the day, yea,

1806
01:23:59,479 --> 01:24:01,880
Speaker 2: And it was just that kind of an experience of yeah,

1807
01:24:01,920 --> 01:24:04,240
Speaker 2: having someone hold my hand and have a script and

1808
01:24:04,320 --> 01:24:06,040
Speaker 2: kind of could see me stress out on the phone

1809
01:24:06,040 --> 01:24:08,160
Speaker 2: when someone said something I didn't expect and kind of

1810
01:24:08,200 --> 01:24:11,040
Speaker 2: put a word in front of me and it was like, oh, okay,

1811
01:24:11,040 --> 01:24:11,960
Speaker 2: that's how you do it.

1812
01:24:12,160 --> 01:24:14,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, And look, I think this stuff it's so old

1813
01:24:14,320 --> 01:24:16,559
Speaker 1: in our body, right, Like I think about an issue

1814
01:24:16,560 --> 01:24:18,240
Speaker 1: as having with one of my kids a year or

1815
01:24:18,240 --> 01:24:20,880
Speaker 1: two ago. It's small issues like why is this towel

1816
01:24:20,880 --> 01:24:22,880
Speaker 1: on the floor? Why is it always on the floor.

1817
01:24:23,280 --> 01:24:24,920
Speaker 1: I actually am not someone who cares about my kids

1818
01:24:24,960 --> 01:24:26,639
Speaker 1: having like a very neat room. I don't know why.

1819
01:24:26,960 --> 01:24:28,960
Speaker 1: I'll look into in therapy, but like the towel, the

1820
01:24:28,960 --> 01:24:30,760
Speaker 1: wet towel on the floor is just it's the thing

1821
01:24:30,800 --> 01:24:32,360
Speaker 1: my kids no way care about. And there's not that

1822
01:24:32,400 --> 01:24:35,200
Speaker 1: many things like that, so it's on the floor and

1823
01:24:35,360 --> 01:24:37,800
Speaker 1: every time. How hard is it? How hard is it

1824
01:24:37,840 --> 01:24:40,400
Speaker 1: to take your towel and put it on the hook, right, Like,

1825
01:24:40,400 --> 01:24:44,200
Speaker 1: there's so many ways. And if we go back and

1826
01:24:44,240 --> 01:24:46,519
Speaker 1: you think about your equivalent and your childhood of towel

1827
01:24:46,560 --> 01:24:48,680
Speaker 1: on the floor, right, I think that's what a lot

1828
01:24:48,680 --> 01:24:51,599
Speaker 1: of us were met with, just like our parents' frustration. Again,

1829
01:24:51,600 --> 01:24:53,640
Speaker 1: they were doing the best they could with the resources

1830
01:24:53,640 --> 01:24:57,679
Speaker 1: they had, right, But the best bosses in the world,

1831
01:24:57,720 --> 01:24:59,599
Speaker 1: if they get a report from someone that's not good,

1832
01:24:59,680 --> 01:25:02,479
Speaker 1: I can't imagine, they're like, how did you do it

1833
01:25:02,520 --> 01:25:03,920
Speaker 1: like this? Like, well, I don't know how to do

1834
01:25:03,960 --> 01:25:06,840
Speaker 1: it differently. Then, and so I thought about this, and

1835
01:25:06,880 --> 01:25:10,080
Speaker 1: I find a helpful question with your kid to start with,

1836
01:25:10,240 --> 01:25:11,560
Speaker 1: be like, okay, wait, I have a good kid. Me

1837
01:25:11,680 --> 01:25:14,160
Speaker 1: remind myself, I like my kid, I have a good kid.

1838
01:25:15,200 --> 01:25:18,639
Speaker 1: What is a skill my kid would need to develop

1839
01:25:19,080 --> 01:25:23,599
Speaker 1: to be better able to even pick up the towel

1840
01:25:23,600 --> 01:25:25,800
Speaker 1: on the floor. And when I asked myself that question,

1841
01:25:25,840 --> 01:25:28,800
Speaker 1: something crazy happened. Just I had a thought I'd never

1842
01:25:28,840 --> 01:25:31,040
Speaker 1: had before because of the mindset shift. I said, I

1843
01:25:31,040 --> 01:25:33,200
Speaker 1: wonder if he notices it, Like when I look in

1844
01:25:33,240 --> 01:25:35,200
Speaker 1: his room and the towels on the floor, I don't

1845
01:25:35,240 --> 01:25:38,720
Speaker 1: notice anything in the room except that towel. But I

1846
01:25:38,760 --> 01:25:40,200
Speaker 1: know this. There's so many times that me and my

1847
01:25:40,240 --> 01:25:41,760
Speaker 1: husband where he's like, did you not see this? And

1848
01:25:41,760 --> 01:25:44,519
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, it just wasn't capturing my attention.

1849
01:25:45,000 --> 01:25:47,639
Speaker 1: So I realized that and then I really, he probably

1850
01:25:47,640 --> 01:25:49,800
Speaker 1: walks by it, he goes out, it's not in his mind.

1851
01:25:50,080 --> 01:25:51,960
Speaker 1: So we talked. I talked to him about this. I said, hey,

1852
01:25:52,000 --> 01:25:53,679
Speaker 1: this has become a thing. I don't want to keep fighting.

1853
01:25:54,280 --> 01:25:58,960
Speaker 1: What would you need to do to remember to pick

1854
01:25:59,000 --> 01:26:00,760
Speaker 1: up your towel in pursus? Like, I don't know? And

1855
01:26:00,800 --> 01:26:03,280
Speaker 1: I was like, well, where do you walk, like in

1856
01:26:03,280 --> 01:26:04,719
Speaker 1: your room before you go out? He's like, I always

1857
01:26:04,760 --> 01:26:07,880
Speaker 1: go buy my door, So well, what would you need

1858
01:26:08,240 --> 01:26:10,839
Speaker 1: to do or even put around your door to remember?

1859
01:26:10,960 --> 01:26:13,599
Speaker 1: And literally he goes, I don't like a post it note?

1860
01:26:14,200 --> 01:26:17,519
Speaker 1: It was It was so simple. My heart'schating. It felt

1861
01:26:17,560 --> 01:26:20,160
Speaker 1: so deep because of the process. And I was like, oh,

1862
01:26:20,240 --> 01:26:22,240
Speaker 1: like what would the post it note say? And he's like,

1863
01:26:22,280 --> 01:26:25,080
Speaker 1: I don't know. Cowl. He's like okay, And then this

1864
01:26:25,160 --> 01:26:26,640
Speaker 1: is an interesting moment. He goes, could you write it

1865
01:26:26,720 --> 01:26:31,400
Speaker 1: for me? I was like, no, I'm not. Kind of again,

1866
01:26:31,439 --> 01:26:32,760
Speaker 1: I'm not going to do it because I know that's

1867
01:26:32,760 --> 01:26:34,200
Speaker 1: something you could do for yourself, and I think it

1868
01:26:34,240 --> 01:26:36,519
Speaker 1: will be more meaningful if you do. And in our family,

1869
01:26:36,560 --> 01:26:38,599
Speaker 1: you know, we take care of our things, and this

1870
01:26:38,640 --> 01:26:40,439
Speaker 1: is one small thing I ask. And so you know

1871
01:26:40,479 --> 01:26:42,760
Speaker 1: what we're together, you have post it notes right where

1872
01:26:42,760 --> 01:26:45,160
Speaker 1: you work? It would be great, if that's something you

1873
01:26:45,160 --> 01:26:46,160
Speaker 1: could do now, or if you want to do it

1874
01:26:46,160 --> 01:26:48,800
Speaker 1: your own schedule, maybe some point before tomorrow. And then

1875
01:26:48,800 --> 01:26:50,360
Speaker 1: I do the thing where I think this really matters,

1876
01:26:50,400 --> 01:26:53,439
Speaker 1: I walk away. Nobody likes to listen or do something

1877
01:26:53,479 --> 01:26:56,040
Speaker 1: someone asks when you're like breathing over their right, so

1878
01:26:56,080 --> 01:26:59,439
Speaker 1: there's like an element of trust. And truly the next

1879
01:26:59,520 --> 01:27:04,280
Speaker 1: day I saw a note and I would say after

1880
01:27:04,280 --> 01:27:06,439
Speaker 1: that it was like a maybe a fifty percent hit

1881
01:27:06,560 --> 01:27:09,599
Speaker 1: rate with a doll fifty was better than zero. I

1882
01:27:09,680 --> 01:27:11,640
Speaker 1: learned so much in this process. I use it with

1883
01:27:11,680 --> 01:27:13,640
Speaker 1: so many other things for my kids, like, oh, you

1884
01:27:13,720 --> 01:27:16,720
Speaker 1: always forget to take your water bottle, okay, Like I

1885
01:27:16,760 --> 01:27:19,080
Speaker 1: can get frustrated about that, or I could help them

1886
01:27:19,120 --> 01:27:21,879
Speaker 1: build some new skill because again, what's going to transfer

1887
01:27:21,960 --> 01:27:23,880
Speaker 1: is when my kids are in college, there's going to

1888
01:27:23,880 --> 01:27:26,160
Speaker 1: be something that happens, Oh, I keep forgetting to study

1889
01:27:26,200 --> 01:27:28,120
Speaker 1: for my tests on time, or I'm like to class.

1890
01:27:28,640 --> 01:27:31,559
Speaker 1: Either they'll hear my voice saying what's wrong with you?

1891
01:27:31,760 --> 01:27:35,439
Speaker 1: This isn't that hard, or they'll hear hold on a second, yeah,

1892
01:27:35,439 --> 01:27:38,439
Speaker 1: I'm a good person. What's going on? What would I

1893
01:27:38,520 --> 01:27:41,720
Speaker 1: need to do to be better? Able to do this?

1894
01:27:41,800 --> 01:27:45,400
Speaker 1: Thing I want to accomplish. That's the process. You're really

1895
01:27:45,439 --> 01:27:48,320
Speaker 1: modeling that process into adulthood. As we know, that's a

1896
01:27:48,360 --> 01:27:49,200
Speaker 1: winning process.

1897
01:27:49,640 --> 01:27:52,479
Speaker 2: It's going to pay off, yeah big, And even if

1898
01:27:52,520 --> 01:27:53,400
Speaker 2: it takes time, that's right.

1899
01:27:53,439 --> 01:27:54,920
Speaker 1: And you know what I don't want when my kids

1900
01:27:54,960 --> 01:27:57,000
Speaker 1: in college, Like I always say, there's certain jobs. I

1901
01:27:57,000 --> 01:28:00,000
Speaker 1: always want my kid's going through a hard time, something tricky,

1902
01:28:00,360 --> 01:28:03,360
Speaker 1: happy for them to call me like water bottle, remember,

1903
01:28:03,760 --> 01:28:06,880
Speaker 1: alarm clock setter. I don't need my kid in college

1904
01:28:06,920 --> 01:28:08,799
Speaker 1: to be calling me that they forgot their water bottle

1905
01:28:09,040 --> 01:28:11,479
Speaker 1: or that they you know, don't know how to pick

1906
01:28:11,520 --> 01:28:12,880
Speaker 1: up their towel, or that they forgot to set their

1907
01:28:12,880 --> 01:28:17,599
Speaker 1: alarm clock. So if I'm not helping them scaffold those skills, yeah,

1908
01:28:17,800 --> 01:28:19,720
Speaker 1: I shouldn't be surprised. I don't know when they kind

1909
01:28:19,720 --> 01:28:20,760
Speaker 1: of still lean on me for them.

1910
01:28:20,960 --> 01:28:23,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, at that late rage. Yeah, no, it's it's such

1911
01:28:23,760 --> 01:28:26,960
Speaker 2: a I wonder whether it's I felt like my parents

1912
01:28:27,040 --> 01:28:29,439
Speaker 2: felt very comfortable getting us to do chores early on though,

1913
01:28:30,120 --> 01:28:34,280
Speaker 2: and so I remember ironing my shirts for school since

1914
01:28:34,320 --> 01:28:38,280
Speaker 2: I was probably like thirteen. Yeah, maybe, And then my

1915
01:28:38,680 --> 01:28:41,240
Speaker 2: sister and I had a routine after dinner where we'd

1916
01:28:41,320 --> 01:28:43,040
Speaker 2: either one of us would washing the dishes or clean

1917
01:28:43,080 --> 01:28:44,640
Speaker 2: the table, and the other would clean the table and

1918
01:28:44,720 --> 01:28:46,800
Speaker 2: washing the dishes. And I felt like those were healthy

1919
01:28:46,880 --> 01:28:48,760
Speaker 2: routines that we just knew that were locked in if

1920
01:28:48,800 --> 01:28:51,320
Speaker 2: we hate doing them. I never liked doing it ironing.

1921
01:28:51,360 --> 01:28:53,000
Speaker 2: I got some pride in I'm still like a very

1922
01:28:53,040 --> 01:28:55,679
Speaker 2: proud We used to iron, not steam, and I've learned

1923
01:28:55,680 --> 01:28:57,880
Speaker 2: how to steam since moving to this country. But this

1924
01:28:58,040 --> 01:29:01,240
Speaker 2: idea of I didn't like washing up the dishes all

1925
01:29:01,240 --> 01:29:03,519
Speaker 2: cleaning the table. It was just part of our routine. Yes,

1926
01:29:04,000 --> 01:29:07,920
Speaker 2: what is the value of discipline even when you hate it?

1927
01:29:08,360 --> 01:29:10,719
Speaker 2: And what early chores are healthy and useful?

1928
01:29:11,520 --> 01:29:13,880
Speaker 1: I think this is such an important conversation, and you

1929
01:29:13,920 --> 01:29:17,080
Speaker 1: actually said something that I often say. You beat me

1930
01:29:17,120 --> 01:29:19,799
Speaker 1: to the punch. First of all, there is just immense

1931
01:29:19,920 --> 01:29:23,320
Speaker 1: value to kids spending time doing things that are unenjoyable.

1932
01:29:23,840 --> 01:29:26,320
Speaker 1: I think, especially now. And I'm not trying to say

1933
01:29:26,320 --> 01:29:29,200
Speaker 1: I'm always above this, but we've somehow moved to this

1934
01:29:29,240 --> 01:29:34,200
Speaker 1: world where we're always optimizing for each kid. It's really interesting,

1935
01:29:34,240 --> 01:29:36,160
Speaker 1: even like the weekends are split, like I'm making this

1936
01:29:36,240 --> 01:29:38,160
Speaker 1: kid here, this kid here. We do that sometimes too.

1937
01:29:38,160 --> 01:29:41,439
Speaker 1: It's necessary, but almost unconsciously we don't realize. I'm like

1938
01:29:41,520 --> 01:29:45,000
Speaker 1: always optimizing for my kid's pleasure. I remember the time

1939
01:29:45,080 --> 01:29:46,640
Speaker 1: that when my kid's like what, I'd go to my

1940
01:29:46,640 --> 01:29:49,840
Speaker 1: sibling's soccer like he's not even good at soccer, which

1941
01:29:49,880 --> 01:29:52,320
Speaker 1: was true, it wasn't that good, right, And it was

1942
01:29:52,439 --> 01:29:55,200
Speaker 1: at the moment where I was like, that's actually exactly

1943
01:29:55,240 --> 01:29:58,000
Speaker 1: why you're going to go, Like the weekend is not

1944
01:29:58,560 --> 01:30:04,720
Speaker 1: about optimizing your personal pleasure at every second. Like it's

1945
01:30:04,760 --> 01:30:07,000
Speaker 1: good for you to go and be bored. It's good

1946
01:30:07,040 --> 01:30:09,519
Speaker 1: for you even if you could have a playdate to

1947
01:30:10,120 --> 01:30:13,040
Speaker 1: sit and watch. That is such an important thing to

1948
01:30:13,040 --> 01:30:15,400
Speaker 1: be a good human. And it reminds me of the

1949
01:30:15,439 --> 01:30:18,559
Speaker 1: time that my kid is like, folding clothes is boring?

1950
01:30:18,600 --> 01:30:20,120
Speaker 1: Why do we have to do this? And I found

1951
01:30:20,200 --> 01:30:23,920
Speaker 1: myself I said this thing. I'm just like, you know what,

1952
01:30:24,479 --> 01:30:27,679
Speaker 1: to be a good human, you just have to do

1953
01:30:27,800 --> 01:30:30,960
Speaker 1: things that are boring and unenjoyable. Sometimes. I don't know,

1954
01:30:31,360 --> 01:30:33,519
Speaker 1: but I think it's true, true, it's true. I don't

1955
01:30:33,560 --> 01:30:35,120
Speaker 1: have a better way of saying it, just and my

1956
01:30:35,240 --> 01:30:38,840
Speaker 1: kid was like, oh, I kind of like struck him,

1957
01:30:38,880 --> 01:30:40,479
Speaker 1: like you know, no one had ever just said that

1958
01:30:41,040 --> 01:30:44,679
Speaker 1: that's so the fact that you had a childhood where

1959
01:30:44,680 --> 01:30:48,560
Speaker 1: there was this built in routine of things that were mundane,

1960
01:30:49,080 --> 01:30:51,479
Speaker 1: largely unenjoyable, you can make them enjoyable. Put on the music,

1961
01:30:51,520 --> 01:30:53,000
Speaker 1: do things. We try to do that in our house.

1962
01:30:53,240 --> 01:30:56,320
Speaker 1: But actually I think that's relieving for a parent. Oh,

1963
01:30:56,360 --> 01:30:59,280
Speaker 1: I don't have to make my kid's life amazing at

1964
01:30:59,280 --> 01:31:04,240
Speaker 1: every moment. Going back to entitlement, like what an individualist,

1965
01:31:04,600 --> 01:31:08,000
Speaker 1: relatively entitled view of the world to go forward, like,

1966
01:31:08,479 --> 01:31:11,639
Speaker 1: I should spend ninety nine percent of my waking hours

1967
01:31:11,720 --> 01:31:15,559
Speaker 1: doing things that I want to do and bring me pleasure. Now,

1968
01:31:15,640 --> 01:31:17,679
Speaker 1: so I think you should spend some amount of time, Yes,

1969
01:31:17,880 --> 01:31:21,000
Speaker 1: what but the idea that some of your childhood is

1970
01:31:21,080 --> 01:31:24,040
Speaker 1: doing things that are good for the family, that are

1971
01:31:24,360 --> 01:31:27,720
Speaker 1: more about being there for your sister, right, I think

1972
01:31:27,760 --> 01:31:31,760
Speaker 1: that is so important. But what it means is tolerating

1973
01:31:32,000 --> 01:31:37,120
Speaker 1: distress and tolerating pushback and tolerating whining. There's so much

1974
01:31:37,280 --> 01:31:39,720
Speaker 1: whining now. The other reason though, I think toores are

1975
01:31:39,720 --> 01:31:43,120
Speaker 1: really important. They're a way to feel impactful. It's one

1976
01:31:43,120 --> 01:31:44,960
Speaker 1: of the biggest things we take for our kids is

1977
01:31:45,000 --> 01:31:47,760
Speaker 1: when they're only spending time doing the things they want

1978
01:31:47,800 --> 01:31:51,920
Speaker 1: to do, they're not really having an impact in the

1979
01:31:51,960 --> 01:31:55,720
Speaker 1: real world, like clearing your plate and learning how to

1980
01:31:55,800 --> 01:31:58,519
Speaker 1: wash it off and putting it in the dishwasher. How

1981
01:31:58,640 --> 01:32:02,800
Speaker 1: concrete that is and how visual all the plates were there.

1982
01:32:03,280 --> 01:32:07,320
Speaker 1: Then they got cleanish, then they went to the dishwasher,

1983
01:32:07,680 --> 01:32:11,240
Speaker 1: then someone wiped them down, like you are watching yourself

1984
01:32:11,800 --> 01:32:15,920
Speaker 1: have purpose an impact in the world. Your kids will

1985
01:32:15,960 --> 01:32:18,160
Speaker 1: not say thank you for that when they're younger, but

1986
01:32:18,200 --> 01:32:20,880
Speaker 1: I promise you that's critical to their mental health. They

1987
01:32:20,880 --> 01:32:23,200
Speaker 1: don't want to live in their own world where they're

1988
01:32:23,240 --> 01:32:26,519
Speaker 1: just spinning and thinking and optimizing. They actually do have

1989
01:32:26,600 --> 01:32:28,639
Speaker 1: a need to feel like they're that's what it's feel

1990
01:32:28,640 --> 01:32:31,400
Speaker 1: like they're a part of something. And I actually think

1991
01:32:31,520 --> 01:32:34,519
Speaker 1: chores again, if done right, so many times tours are

1992
01:32:34,520 --> 01:32:35,599
Speaker 1: almost given us punishment.

1993
01:32:35,760 --> 01:32:36,559
Speaker 2: Yeah, got it.

1994
01:32:37,600 --> 01:32:40,080
Speaker 1: I think it's a really important structure for that.

1995
01:32:40,400 --> 01:32:42,400
Speaker 2: Yeah. And I love the way you bron down that process,

1996
01:32:42,520 --> 01:32:47,000
Speaker 2: like seeing yourself do something from start to finish and

1997
01:32:47,640 --> 01:32:49,920
Speaker 2: complete something and have to do it as a routine.

1998
01:32:49,920 --> 01:32:52,920
Speaker 2: That is so much of adult life. Yes, and it's hard.

1999
01:32:53,000 --> 01:32:54,400
Speaker 2: It was one of the mistakes I made it so

2000
01:32:54,439 --> 01:32:56,160
Speaker 2: I started working when I was like fourteen. I used

2001
01:32:56,160 --> 01:32:58,760
Speaker 2: to deliver newspapers. Then I worked at a grocery store,

2002
01:32:58,760 --> 01:32:59,880
Speaker 2: and so I've been working for a long time. And

2003
01:33:00,280 --> 01:33:01,800
Speaker 2: I have a younger sister's four and a half year

2004
01:33:01,840 --> 01:33:03,760
Speaker 2: younger than me, and I never wanted her to work

2005
01:33:03,760 --> 01:33:06,600
Speaker 2: because I just wanted her to be protected in my

2006
01:33:07,200 --> 01:33:10,519
Speaker 2: naivety being a teenager myself at the time of love.

2007
01:33:11,320 --> 01:33:13,760
Speaker 2: But we talk about it all the time now, where

2008
01:33:13,800 --> 01:33:16,120
Speaker 2: like I started working since I was fourteen, so work

2009
01:33:16,200 --> 01:33:18,400
Speaker 2: is very normal to me. I get it, I know

2010
01:33:18,479 --> 01:33:20,719
Speaker 2: what it takes. It's part of my life. I've always

2011
01:33:20,720 --> 01:33:23,519
Speaker 2: had to pay my way. And for my sister, it's

2012
01:33:23,560 --> 01:33:27,640
Speaker 2: like she didn't start working until she graduated, and she

2013
01:33:27,800 --> 01:33:29,320
Speaker 2: likes to get away from work as much as she

2014
01:33:29,320 --> 01:33:32,000
Speaker 2: can because she didn't have that routine and rhythm from

2015
01:33:32,000 --> 01:33:34,280
Speaker 2: that early age. And there was so much growth at

2016
01:33:34,320 --> 01:33:37,320
Speaker 2: that time that you made socially by having a job

2017
01:33:37,360 --> 01:33:39,759
Speaker 2: and being around people of different backgrounds at different ages.

2018
01:33:39,840 --> 01:33:42,960
Speaker 2: My boss was fifty and there was a sixty year

2019
01:33:43,000 --> 01:33:45,840
Speaker 2: old person at the checkout and a twenty year old

2020
01:33:45,840 --> 01:33:50,240
Speaker 2: person and just generational, you know, experience and exposure and

2021
01:33:50,360 --> 01:33:52,400
Speaker 2: so much again from working in a grocery store that

2022
01:33:52,439 --> 01:33:53,679
Speaker 2: I could never have learned at home.

2023
01:33:54,240 --> 01:33:57,000
Speaker 1: And I think about that word capability. I bet you

2024
01:33:57,040 --> 01:33:57,920
Speaker 1: built a ton.

2025
01:33:58,520 --> 01:33:59,160
Speaker 2: Absolutely.

2026
01:33:59,520 --> 01:34:01,360
Speaker 1: I'm a person and who can do hard things. I'm

2027
01:34:01,400 --> 01:34:05,800
Speaker 1: a person who can go into a situation that's totally new, nuanced,

2028
01:34:06,479 --> 01:34:09,000
Speaker 1: has ups and downs, and no matter what I finished

2029
01:34:09,000 --> 01:34:11,320
Speaker 1: the day, just the best to dolphin is knowing I

2030
01:34:11,360 --> 01:34:14,439
Speaker 1: can get through it. That's so important. It's the other

2031
01:34:14,600 --> 01:34:17,400
Speaker 1: thing that it's kind of different than chores. But having

2032
01:34:17,400 --> 01:34:20,760
Speaker 1: our kids do real things in the real world, right,

2033
01:34:21,200 --> 01:34:23,400
Speaker 1: I think it's something that we need to put a

2034
01:34:23,439 --> 01:34:27,200
Speaker 1: lot more attention to. I know John Hyte talks about

2035
01:34:27,240 --> 01:34:30,120
Speaker 1: this a lot, right. We kind of overprotect kids online,

2036
01:34:29,800 --> 01:34:32,640
Speaker 1: and or we underprotect kids online and overprotect them in

2037
01:34:32,640 --> 01:34:34,680
Speaker 1: the real world. And he and I talk about this

2038
01:34:34,760 --> 01:34:36,920
Speaker 1: a lot. I think I've watched my kids. Right. We

2039
01:34:36,920 --> 01:34:40,200
Speaker 1: live in Manhattan, right, and so mobility for kids is

2040
01:34:40,240 --> 01:34:42,240
Speaker 1: maybe a little easier. They don't need to ride somewhere.

2041
01:34:42,680 --> 01:34:45,280
Speaker 1: But when I see, you know, my kid who can

2042
01:34:45,920 --> 01:34:48,599
Speaker 1: go get bagels for the family on their own, right,

2043
01:34:48,720 --> 01:34:53,000
Speaker 1: take public transportation on their own, the pride and capability

2044
01:34:53,040 --> 01:34:55,960
Speaker 1: they feel, I promise you. I mean, I think academics

2045
01:34:55,960 --> 01:34:58,000
Speaker 1: in school and all those things in sports are really important.

2046
01:34:58,000 --> 01:35:01,639
Speaker 1: Don't get me wrong. I just I literally don't see

2047
01:35:01,640 --> 01:35:04,519
Speaker 1: this like visceral feeling in any other place than when

2048
01:35:04,520 --> 01:35:08,519
Speaker 1: they're in the real world, feeling like a capable person

2049
01:35:08,640 --> 01:35:11,840
Speaker 1: who's operating like everyone else. And so I think that

2050
01:35:12,320 --> 01:35:14,400
Speaker 1: and everyone can ease into that in their own way.

2051
01:35:14,840 --> 01:35:15,000
Speaker 2: Right.

2052
01:35:15,040 --> 01:35:16,920
Speaker 1: It might be you go to the doctor with your

2053
01:35:17,000 --> 01:35:19,519
Speaker 1: kid and you let them check in. It might be

2054
01:35:19,600 --> 01:35:22,760
Speaker 1: you let them tell their pediatrician, Hey, how's she doing

2055
01:35:22,800 --> 01:35:26,800
Speaker 1: this year? Let her answer first, Right, it's emailing the

2056
01:35:26,840 --> 01:35:29,720
Speaker 1: coach instead of you doing it. It's maybe you don't

2057
01:35:29,760 --> 01:35:31,200
Speaker 1: live in a city where kid can walk to the

2058
01:35:31,200 --> 01:35:33,400
Speaker 1: grocery store, but maybe you hang back and let them

2059
01:35:33,479 --> 01:35:36,640
Speaker 1: check out. I mean, there's so many situations, but that

2060
01:35:36,720 --> 01:35:39,680
Speaker 1: communication of trust and capability, if you reflect that to

2061
01:35:39,760 --> 01:35:42,920
Speaker 1: your kid and then they start to experiment with that

2062
01:35:43,920 --> 01:35:44,599
Speaker 1: so critical.

2063
01:35:45,040 --> 01:35:47,960
Speaker 2: Before we dive into the next moment, let's hear from

2064
01:35:47,960 --> 01:35:52,400
Speaker 2: our sponsors and back to our episode. Yeah, I think

2065
01:35:52,439 --> 01:35:54,320
Speaker 2: a lot of pressure that parents are feeling right now

2066
01:35:54,320 --> 01:35:58,000
Speaker 2: about that overprotection is also feeling that they have to

2067
01:35:58,000 --> 01:36:03,200
Speaker 2: be available and monitoring and be around and entertain all

2068
01:36:03,280 --> 01:36:06,800
Speaker 2: the time. And it goes back to this point that

2069
01:36:06,840 --> 01:36:09,479
Speaker 2: you've spoken about the whole time, this dichotomy of we

2070
01:36:09,520 --> 01:36:11,559
Speaker 2: didn't get a lot of time from our parents growing up.

2071
01:36:11,680 --> 01:36:14,000
Speaker 2: For a lot of people, parents weren't around because they

2072
01:36:14,040 --> 01:36:16,639
Speaker 2: had to pay the bills and take care of stuff.

2073
01:36:17,360 --> 01:36:20,120
Speaker 2: And now it's the opposite where parents feel like, well,

2074
01:36:20,120 --> 01:36:21,240
Speaker 2: I have to work from home, I have to be

2075
01:36:21,240 --> 01:36:23,639
Speaker 2: completely flexible, I have to be there all the time.

2076
01:36:24,360 --> 01:36:27,040
Speaker 2: And I feel like that's a lot of pressure. For

2077
01:36:27,080 --> 01:36:30,360
Speaker 2: two reasons. One is you now feel like every waking

2078
01:36:30,360 --> 01:36:33,160
Speaker 2: moment has to be spent entertaining a kid, which is exhausting.

2079
01:36:33,720 --> 01:36:36,439
Speaker 2: But we all feel the pressure societally and culturally of

2080
01:36:36,960 --> 01:36:40,000
Speaker 2: if you don't, your kids can have trauma. And then

2081
01:36:40,040 --> 01:36:42,760
Speaker 2: the other side of it is we talk about what

2082
01:36:42,800 --> 01:36:45,559
Speaker 2: it means to be a good parent because it makes

2083
01:36:45,640 --> 01:36:50,320
Speaker 2: us feel good about ourselves, but not about what kids

2084
01:36:50,360 --> 01:36:53,840
Speaker 2: actually need. So if I think about the difference between

2085
01:36:53,880 --> 01:36:57,080
Speaker 2: what makes me feel like a good husband versus what

2086
01:36:57,160 --> 01:37:00,000
Speaker 2: does my wife actually need, Like, what makes me feel

2087
01:37:00,240 --> 01:37:02,639
Speaker 2: like a good husband is a long list of things

2088
01:37:02,680 --> 01:37:04,920
Speaker 2: that my wife would pick up on and be like, yeah,

2089
01:37:04,960 --> 01:37:07,479
Speaker 2: I don't need any of that stuff, And I feel

2090
01:37:07,479 --> 01:37:09,360
Speaker 2: like kids might do the same.

2091
01:37:09,880 --> 01:37:13,160
Speaker 1: I think that's really smart. I haven't thought about it

2092
01:37:13,200 --> 01:37:16,000
Speaker 1: that way, but yeah, I think we should dive into that.

2093
01:37:16,080 --> 01:37:18,760
Speaker 1: I mean, I think we have an idea what makes

2094
01:37:18,760 --> 01:37:22,040
Speaker 1: me feel good? As if, Yes, I'm always available, always watching,

2095
01:37:22,160 --> 01:37:26,000
Speaker 1: I'm always make sure they don't slip off the ladder

2096
01:37:26,040 --> 01:37:30,320
Speaker 1: of the playground, Right, what does my kid feel? Nobody

2097
01:37:30,360 --> 01:37:33,559
Speaker 1: trusts me. I don't have any space. I don't even

2098
01:37:33,640 --> 01:37:35,599
Speaker 1: know anymore what's me and what's my parent?

2099
01:37:35,720 --> 01:37:35,800
Speaker 2: Like?

2100
01:37:35,840 --> 01:37:39,360
Speaker 1: It's like we're living this in meshed world now. I

2101
01:37:39,360 --> 01:37:41,720
Speaker 1: don't think a kid could ever articulate. Right Again, we're

2102
01:37:41,720 --> 01:37:42,960
Speaker 1: not going to hear from our eight year old. I'd

2103
01:37:42,960 --> 01:37:47,559
Speaker 1: love little more space, right, Yeah, but they might, they

2104
01:37:47,640 --> 01:37:50,200
Speaker 1: might say it in other ways, right, And I really

2105
01:37:50,240 --> 01:37:51,920
Speaker 1: don't think it's just me. I think the good inside

2106
01:37:51,960 --> 01:37:55,600
Speaker 1: really is this movement. It's ignited something in people. I

2107
01:37:55,600 --> 01:37:57,920
Speaker 1: think there's a lot of us who are like, yeah,

2108
01:37:58,000 --> 01:38:02,639
Speaker 1: this whole always being there, always fixing, right, I'm always

2109
01:38:02,760 --> 01:38:07,760
Speaker 1: witnessing this kind of way. We've confused emotional safety with

2110
01:38:07,840 --> 01:38:12,760
Speaker 1: emotional comfort. Those are very different things. I think there's

2111
01:38:12,960 --> 01:38:15,000
Speaker 1: I think there's like a new wave, right. I mean,

2112
01:38:15,320 --> 01:38:18,040
Speaker 1: I think one of the reasons why we're so resentful,

2113
01:38:18,280 --> 01:38:21,560
Speaker 1: we're so reactive. We can be so rageful. We're on

2114
01:38:21,640 --> 01:38:24,120
Speaker 1: our phones all the time around our kids. Is because

2115
01:38:24,160 --> 01:38:30,080
Speaker 1: we rarely have time without our kids, right, And it's

2116
01:38:30,160 --> 01:38:33,120
Speaker 1: actually important for everyone. And again, people hear that and

2117
01:38:33,120 --> 01:38:35,560
Speaker 1: they go to these awful extreme places. So you're just

2118
01:38:35,560 --> 01:38:37,200
Speaker 1: gonna slam your door and tell your kids you can't

2119
01:38:37,240 --> 01:38:40,080
Speaker 1: hang out with them. Nobody said that. I'm definitely not

2120
01:38:40,080 --> 01:38:41,559
Speaker 1: saying that that would not be a good way to

2121
01:38:41,600 --> 01:38:45,080
Speaker 1: operationalize this concept. But helping your kids learn how to

2122
01:38:45,080 --> 01:38:48,000
Speaker 1: play independently, if you live in a neighborhood with other kids,

2123
01:38:48,200 --> 01:38:50,080
Speaker 1: helping them figure out that they can play on that

2124
01:38:50,120 --> 01:38:52,280
Speaker 1: neighbor's lawn and you don't have to be there. Maybe

2125
01:38:52,320 --> 01:38:54,760
Speaker 1: you're nervous, but maybe we have to fake it till

2126
01:38:54,800 --> 01:38:56,760
Speaker 1: you make it. You're like, yeah, I totally trust you,

2127
01:38:56,800 --> 01:38:58,280
Speaker 1: and then you turn You're like texting your friend like,

2128
01:38:58,320 --> 01:39:00,160
Speaker 1: oh my goodness, help me through this. Okay, I have

2129
01:39:00,200 --> 01:39:02,800
Speaker 1: one window up top that actually is black and from

2130
01:39:02,840 --> 01:39:04,720
Speaker 1: the outside so they can't see him watching them. But

2131
01:39:04,760 --> 01:39:07,080
Speaker 1: then maybe after a week you're not doing that right

2132
01:39:07,200 --> 01:39:10,280
Speaker 1: or for me too, letting our kids go to the

2133
01:39:10,280 --> 01:39:12,719
Speaker 1: grocery store without them, it is a leap of faith

2134
01:39:12,760 --> 01:39:15,360
Speaker 1: and we all have different levels of anxiety to manage.

2135
01:39:15,960 --> 01:39:19,639
Speaker 1: But I think that's right. Kids need space. Of course,

2136
01:39:19,720 --> 01:39:23,760
Speaker 1: kids need attention, They like to be witnessed. But I

2137
01:39:23,800 --> 01:39:28,759
Speaker 1: mean imagine your wife, yeah, following you around at every

2138
01:39:28,920 --> 01:39:32,559
Speaker 1: moment beyond probably on some level feeling annoying. There's a

2139
01:39:32,640 --> 01:39:36,880
Speaker 1: message like I actually don't trust you, and I also

2140
01:39:37,000 --> 01:39:40,800
Speaker 1: don't trust our relationship enough to feel like we could

2141
01:39:40,920 --> 01:39:44,040
Speaker 1: have that be strong if you are also your own person,

2142
01:39:44,120 --> 01:39:46,680
Speaker 1: And I think I think we really need to redefine

2143
01:39:46,680 --> 01:39:48,160
Speaker 1: parenthood around those lines.

2144
01:39:48,240 --> 01:39:49,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I'm glad, you know. I was just thinking

2145
01:39:49,840 --> 01:39:52,120
Speaker 2: about it. I was just like when you think about

2146
01:39:52,160 --> 01:39:57,639
Speaker 2: any other space. It's almost like if I from any job,

2147
01:39:57,720 --> 01:40:01,680
Speaker 2: if I serve burgh as at McDonald my worth is

2148
01:40:01,720 --> 01:40:04,599
Speaker 2: not calculated by if I feel good doing that. It's

2149
01:40:04,640 --> 01:40:08,040
Speaker 2: calculated by what the customer needs and wants. So if

2150
01:40:08,040 --> 01:40:10,840
Speaker 2: the customer orders a cheeseburger and I serve them a

2151
01:40:10,880 --> 01:40:14,360
Speaker 2: coke and fries because that makes me feel better, that's

2152
01:40:14,400 --> 01:40:16,160
Speaker 2: not accurate. It's about and so I'm not saying we

2153
01:40:16,160 --> 01:40:18,840
Speaker 2: have to do our kids want totally. It's probably a

2154
01:40:18,880 --> 01:40:21,200
Speaker 2: bad example. Actually I take that back, but there's a

2155
01:40:21,280 --> 01:40:24,240
Speaker 2: sense of like am I aware of what children actually

2156
01:40:24,280 --> 01:40:26,519
Speaker 2: need need? I think what a children actually need is

2157
01:40:26,720 --> 01:40:28,519
Speaker 2: that's a bad metaphor, but yeah, it's like what a

2158
01:40:28,600 --> 01:40:32,400
Speaker 2: children actually need versus what makes me feel good in

2159
01:40:32,439 --> 01:40:32,800
Speaker 2: the moment.

2160
01:40:32,800 --> 01:40:35,240
Speaker 1: I think that's right. And look, there's this dance, the

2161
01:40:35,400 --> 01:40:43,479
Speaker 1: dance between independence and dependence. It's constant, right, independence grows

2162
01:40:43,760 --> 01:40:46,760
Speaker 1: from the safety of dependence. It's true for us too.

2163
01:40:47,360 --> 01:40:50,160
Speaker 1: I'm sure in part you feel like you can try

2164
01:40:50,200 --> 01:40:53,839
Speaker 1: all these new things and you know, be honest and vulnerable.

2165
01:40:53,880 --> 01:40:55,479
Speaker 1: In part maybe because you feel like at the end

2166
01:40:55,520 --> 01:40:57,040
Speaker 1: of the day at my wife, I can come home

2167
01:40:57,080 --> 01:40:59,800
Speaker 1: to like I have a secure base, which means I

2168
01:40:59,800 --> 01:41:04,400
Speaker 1: can explore. That's really important. So yes, the time we

2169
01:41:04,439 --> 01:41:07,040
Speaker 1: spend with our kids the way we connect with them.

2170
01:41:07,320 --> 01:41:11,800
Speaker 1: But the truth is, after those stages of intense kind

2171
01:41:11,840 --> 01:41:16,240
Speaker 1: of connection or dependence, the way kids actually grow is

2172
01:41:16,280 --> 01:41:19,840
Speaker 1: from the safety of dependence. They do things that are new.

2173
01:41:20,280 --> 01:41:22,280
Speaker 1: It's when so many parents say, like, I feel so

2174
01:41:22,320 --> 01:41:25,040
Speaker 1: guilty going on a trip away from my kid, and

2175
01:41:25,040 --> 01:41:27,479
Speaker 1: my kid's upset, right, and I haven't ask we who

2176
01:41:27,479 --> 01:41:29,080
Speaker 1: are they stay? I don't know they're staying with Grandma's

2177
01:41:29,120 --> 01:41:31,040
Speaker 1: someone who they're like or they're staying with their partner

2178
01:41:31,080 --> 01:41:34,439
Speaker 1: and someone who they're perfectly safe with, and is this

2179
01:41:34,520 --> 01:41:36,400
Speaker 1: so bad for them? And I always say the same thing.

2180
01:41:36,439 --> 01:41:39,040
Speaker 1: I mean it. Not only do I think it's good

2181
01:41:39,040 --> 01:41:41,760
Speaker 1: for them, I think your kid is going to consolidate

2182
01:41:42,240 --> 01:41:46,160
Speaker 1: all of the skills you've been working on them with. Right.

2183
01:41:46,240 --> 01:41:47,920
Speaker 1: It's kind of like if you are a basketball player

2184
01:41:47,920 --> 01:41:50,120
Speaker 1: and you have a coach and they're watching, and they're watching,

2185
01:41:50,200 --> 01:41:52,400
Speaker 1: and they're working on this thing. You need time in

2186
01:41:52,439 --> 01:41:54,920
Speaker 1: the gym without that coach to then kind of go

2187
01:41:55,160 --> 01:41:56,679
Speaker 1: do the thing and then you know what, you're gonna

2188
01:41:56,680 --> 01:41:58,360
Speaker 1: get back with a coach and work on the next thing.

2189
01:41:58,400 --> 01:42:01,200
Speaker 1: But I just want parents to hear that, yes, be there,

2190
01:42:01,280 --> 01:42:06,040
Speaker 1: that connection, that validation, and then the periods where either

2191
01:42:06,560 --> 01:42:10,800
Speaker 1: you're traveling or you're not there, that is actually probably

2192
01:42:10,840 --> 01:42:13,640
Speaker 1: the time your kid can bring it all together and

2193
01:42:13,680 --> 01:42:16,320
Speaker 1: not only consolidate skills. That's when you know it's yours.

2194
01:42:16,600 --> 01:42:19,680
Speaker 1: If I'm only I don't know able to do a

2195
01:42:19,720 --> 01:42:21,720
Speaker 1: good presentation when my boss is in the room, a

2196
01:42:21,760 --> 01:42:23,040
Speaker 1: part of me always wonders.

2197
01:42:22,800 --> 01:42:26,479
Speaker 2: Like, yeah, wow, that's a great point.

2198
01:42:26,800 --> 01:42:28,759
Speaker 1: My boss is sick, and I go to my boss,

2199
01:42:28,880 --> 01:42:31,479
Speaker 1: I crushed it. I feel like it's me now, I'm like,

2200
01:42:31,720 --> 01:42:34,519
Speaker 1: that was me, So yeah, we really want to give

2201
01:42:34,560 --> 01:42:35,840
Speaker 1: our kids that opportunity.

2202
01:42:35,960 --> 01:42:37,920
Speaker 2: That's such a great point. I love that I was

2203
01:42:38,240 --> 01:42:40,200
Speaker 2: better than the McDonald's, definitely better than.

2204
01:42:41,680 --> 01:42:42,600
Speaker 1: We're trying to get there to.

2205
01:42:43,520 --> 01:42:45,960
Speaker 2: I was like, it's not working backtrack before you.

2206
01:42:46,120 --> 01:42:48,519
Speaker 1: Something with metaphors, you never know the like, actually it's not.

2207
01:42:48,920 --> 01:42:50,439
Speaker 2: I was like, I never said that before, so let's

2208
01:42:50,479 --> 01:42:53,639
Speaker 2: vat track. But no, there's that resonates strongly.

2209
01:42:53,720 --> 01:42:53,920
Speaker 1: I was.

2210
01:42:54,120 --> 01:42:57,479
Speaker 2: My tour manager is from London. He was traveling with me.

2211
01:42:57,600 --> 01:43:00,240
Speaker 2: We just finished a North American and kind of tour.

2212
01:43:00,320 --> 01:43:03,759
Speaker 2: We did like fifteen cities and he's toured with me twice.

2213
01:43:03,840 --> 01:43:05,640
Speaker 2: We did a World War two years ago. So he

2214
01:43:05,680 --> 01:43:08,559
Speaker 2: comes from London. He has two little boys, and he

2215
01:43:08,600 --> 01:43:11,080
Speaker 2: was saying that the last time he left he was here,

2216
01:43:11,080 --> 01:43:12,840
Speaker 2: only had one. But he was telling his kid that

2217
01:43:12,840 --> 01:43:14,680
Speaker 2: he was like, oh, I'm really sorry I have to

2218
01:43:14,720 --> 01:43:17,559
Speaker 2: go away, And this time he said, he was changing

2219
01:43:17,560 --> 01:43:19,200
Speaker 2: it where he's like, I'm really excited to go away.

2220
01:43:19,240 --> 01:43:21,920
Speaker 2: I'm going to miss you, but I'm really excited I'm

2221
01:43:21,920 --> 01:43:23,800
Speaker 2: doing the show and we're going live and we're doing

2222
01:43:23,800 --> 01:43:26,680
Speaker 2: this thing. And he was saying how he wanted his

2223
01:43:26,840 --> 01:43:30,200
Speaker 2: kid to I feel excited for him rather than feel like, oh,

2224
01:43:30,280 --> 01:43:32,240
Speaker 2: dad hates going to work and he's sorry and he's

2225
01:43:32,479 --> 01:43:34,920
Speaker 2: feeling bad about it, and at the same time like

2226
01:43:34,960 --> 01:43:38,320
Speaker 2: feeling like his kid had space to grow and feel

2227
01:43:38,360 --> 01:43:40,160
Speaker 2: that confidence. And yes, of course his kid faced down

2228
01:43:40,200 --> 01:43:41,840
Speaker 2: there every day I missed him and whatever it was,

2229
01:43:41,880 --> 01:43:43,880
Speaker 2: but there was that sense that he was like, no,

2230
01:43:43,880 --> 01:43:46,439
Speaker 2: I want him to feel positive the fact that I'm

2231
01:43:46,439 --> 01:43:48,760
Speaker 2: going away. I don't want him to feel like I'm

2232
01:43:48,800 --> 01:43:50,240
Speaker 2: nervous that I'm going away and I'm going to be

2233
01:43:50,280 --> 01:43:53,320
Speaker 2: away from him. And now he's taking on that anxiety

2234
01:43:53,360 --> 01:43:56,320
Speaker 2: as well. The dad's scared that he's leaving me behind

2235
01:43:56,400 --> 01:43:59,680
Speaker 2: without him with Mum, who obviously you know like right

2236
01:43:59,800 --> 01:44:02,600
Speaker 2: there too. The main Gara loves me and you know

2237
01:44:02,640 --> 01:44:04,840
Speaker 2: he's always around there for me, and so it's he

2238
01:44:04,960 --> 01:44:07,320
Speaker 2: was like, no, I want him to leave feeling good.

2239
01:44:07,520 --> 01:44:09,880
Speaker 1: And I think really sturdy leaders do that. Like my

2240
01:44:10,000 --> 01:44:12,519
Speaker 1: language for that is two things are true. So going

2241
01:44:12,520 --> 01:44:14,960
Speaker 1: back to boundaries and validation, two things are true. I

2242
01:44:14,960 --> 01:44:17,360
Speaker 1: can set a boundary, you can be upset. Two things

2243
01:44:17,400 --> 01:44:21,520
Speaker 1: are true. I'm excited about going on tour with Jay

2244
01:44:21,640 --> 01:44:24,160
Speaker 1: and I'm going to miss you, or two things are true.

2245
01:44:24,200 --> 01:44:26,960
Speaker 1: I'm excited for this next step, and I get that

2246
01:44:27,000 --> 01:44:29,960
Speaker 1: you wish I was staying home. Like, I actually think

2247
01:44:30,280 --> 01:44:32,599
Speaker 1: that phrase two things are true. It trains our mind

2248
01:44:32,640 --> 01:44:34,559
Speaker 1: to then say the things and then the thing that's

2249
01:44:34,560 --> 01:44:37,240
Speaker 1: a small shift that makes a huge difference is kind

2250
01:44:37,280 --> 01:44:40,439
Speaker 1: of upgrading the butt to an ant. I'm excited, but

2251
01:44:40,520 --> 01:44:43,320
Speaker 1: I'm going to miss you. I'm excited and I'm going

2252
01:44:43,400 --> 01:44:45,920
Speaker 1: to miss you right like, and look, I think in

2253
01:44:45,960 --> 01:44:48,360
Speaker 1: the world we see this like collapse of our ability

2254
01:44:48,400 --> 01:44:52,080
Speaker 1: to hold two things that is true. It's in every

2255
01:44:52,120 --> 01:44:54,840
Speaker 1: small and big way, which again is why I think

2256
01:44:55,840 --> 01:44:58,880
Speaker 1: I think about good inside is really so important. I

2257
01:44:58,880 --> 01:45:02,200
Speaker 1: think the one one of the most powerful ways we

2258
01:45:02,240 --> 01:45:03,920
Speaker 1: can change the world is how we raise the next

2259
01:45:03,920 --> 01:45:06,760
Speaker 1: generation of kids who will become adults. And to me,

2260
01:45:06,800 --> 01:45:10,000
Speaker 1: that idea of holding oppositional true set once and maybe

2261
01:45:10,040 --> 01:45:12,639
Speaker 1: this relates to what people say is mom guilt. Two

2262
01:45:12,720 --> 01:45:15,479
Speaker 1: things are true. I'm going to dinner with my friends tonight,

2263
01:45:15,560 --> 01:45:18,200
Speaker 1: so PERSONEX, your dad, my mom, whoever it is, is

2264
01:45:18,200 --> 01:45:20,000
Speaker 1: going to put you to bed. Two things are true.

2265
01:45:20,280 --> 01:45:23,120
Speaker 1: I'm excited to see my friends and I understand you're

2266
01:45:23,160 --> 01:45:25,880
Speaker 1: going to be upset, Like, I don't have to fix

2267
01:45:25,920 --> 01:45:28,519
Speaker 1: the upset. I don't have to change my plans. I

2268
01:45:28,560 --> 01:45:30,599
Speaker 1: don't need to get my five year old. But don't

2269
01:45:30,600 --> 01:45:32,720
Speaker 1: you understand it's really good for me to go out

2270
01:45:32,760 --> 01:45:36,200
Speaker 1: with my friends. I'm a better mom again. What's happening

2271
01:45:36,200 --> 01:45:38,759
Speaker 1: there now? They can just both be true, And when

2272
01:45:38,880 --> 01:45:42,879
Speaker 1: we become better able to like verbalize that, we actually

2273
01:45:42,920 --> 01:45:45,120
Speaker 1: teach our kids to be able to tolerate those two

2274
01:45:45,160 --> 01:45:45,719
Speaker 1: things at once.

2275
01:45:45,920 --> 01:45:48,519
Speaker 2: That's all. I'm so glad you raised that. It's probably

2276
01:45:48,520 --> 01:45:50,400
Speaker 2: the thing I've been focused on the most right now,

2277
01:45:50,479 --> 01:45:54,920
Speaker 2: because I love that what f Scott Fitzgerald wrote, which

2278
01:45:54,960 --> 01:45:57,800
Speaker 2: was the test of a first rate intelligence is the

2279
01:45:57,840 --> 01:46:01,040
Speaker 2: ability to hold two opposing ideas of the same time, yep,

2280
01:46:01,600 --> 01:46:05,080
Speaker 2: and not and retain the ability to functions. Yeah, And

2281
01:46:05,120 --> 01:46:07,200
Speaker 2: it's just so well said. And then he goes on

2282
01:46:07,280 --> 01:46:09,880
Speaker 2: to say that one should therefore be able to see

2283
01:46:09,920 --> 01:46:14,320
Speaker 2: that things are hard, but that I have the possibility

2284
01:46:14,320 --> 01:46:18,400
Speaker 2: to change them, right and yeah, sorry, and yeah, that's

2285
01:46:18,479 --> 01:46:21,200
Speaker 2: exactly it so real, And I'm so glad that you've

2286
01:46:21,240 --> 01:46:24,720
Speaker 2: taken it from parenting into parenting, yes, because that is

2287
01:46:24,760 --> 01:46:27,960
Speaker 2: the ability that none of us have today in any capacity.

2288
01:46:28,640 --> 01:46:32,240
Speaker 1: And this is the stuff. It drives us parents crazy.

2289
01:46:32,320 --> 01:46:34,680
Speaker 1: So just to model how you can go from these

2290
01:46:34,720 --> 01:46:39,679
Speaker 1: singular truths to this duality. Like, I love the heck

2291
01:46:39,680 --> 01:46:43,160
Speaker 1: out of my kids, and many days I miss so

2292
01:46:43,280 --> 01:46:45,559
Speaker 1: many the moments before I had kids. I am so

2293
01:46:45,640 --> 01:46:49,080
Speaker 1: grateful for my kids, and I feel exhausted, And I

2294
01:46:49,080 --> 01:46:51,799
Speaker 1: think what's important is one doesn't have to be more

2295
01:46:51,960 --> 01:46:56,080
Speaker 1: true than the other. They can just both be there.

2296
01:46:56,120 --> 01:46:59,519
Speaker 1: They're like two boxes sitting on a shelf, and it's

2297
01:47:00,040 --> 01:47:04,000
Speaker 1: powerful to start to watch your mind try to collapse them. Right, Oh, good,

2298
01:47:04,000 --> 01:47:06,400
Speaker 1: parents don't feel that way. Wait, this might just be

2299
01:47:06,479 --> 01:47:09,400
Speaker 1: a two things are true situation. Maybe I'm allowed to

2300
01:47:09,520 --> 01:47:12,439
Speaker 1: love being a mother and miss my life before I'm

2301
01:47:12,439 --> 01:47:15,320
Speaker 1: a mother, And maybe there's no resolution. Maybe I just

2302
01:47:15,360 --> 01:47:16,760
Speaker 1: gone back to the bench. Maybe I just have to

2303
01:47:16,800 --> 01:47:18,120
Speaker 1: like sit with that.

2304
01:47:18,400 --> 01:47:21,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm thinking back to all the times

2305
01:47:21,880 --> 01:47:24,320
Speaker 2: I did that to my parents because we forget, yeah,

2306
01:47:24,360 --> 01:47:26,280
Speaker 2: like we forget that we did the same things. Like

2307
01:47:26,320 --> 01:47:28,360
Speaker 2: I find it really funny when I swing to a

2308
01:47:28,360 --> 01:47:30,720
Speaker 2: friend of someone and they're like, yeah, you know, my

2309
01:47:30,800 --> 01:47:33,200
Speaker 2: teenager just doesn't get me right now, I'm like, did

2310
01:47:33,200 --> 01:47:35,200
Speaker 2: you get your parents on you're a teenager? Like I'm like,

2311
01:47:35,320 --> 01:47:38,240
Speaker 2: I was the worst, and you know, and I think

2312
01:47:38,240 --> 01:47:40,200
Speaker 2: about even being a kid, and I remember my mom

2313
01:47:40,680 --> 01:47:42,200
Speaker 2: had to go out to work in the evening, so

2314
01:47:42,240 --> 01:47:44,040
Speaker 2: she couldn't put me to bed a lot of the time,

2315
01:47:44,479 --> 01:47:47,320
Speaker 2: and I remember crying until she left, like I'd hold

2316
01:47:47,320 --> 01:47:49,240
Speaker 2: onto her foot until she walked to the door and

2317
01:47:49,280 --> 01:47:51,240
Speaker 2: she'd walk out to get to work, and then Dad

2318
01:47:51,280 --> 01:47:53,479
Speaker 2: would put me to bed. And I still remember it,

2319
01:47:53,479 --> 01:47:56,559
Speaker 2: and it's just it's so interesting that we forget that

2320
01:47:56,640 --> 01:47:59,400
Speaker 2: we did all of those things because it feels like

2321
01:47:59,439 --> 01:48:01,439
Speaker 2: such a long time time ago. But the reality is

2322
01:48:01,479 --> 01:48:05,960
Speaker 2: that children haven't changed that much. They just have different ways.

2323
01:48:06,120 --> 01:48:09,920
Speaker 2: They might have an iPad instead of a PlayStation versus

2324
01:48:10,000 --> 01:48:13,600
Speaker 2: the TV or whatever it may have been. And it's

2325
01:48:13,800 --> 01:48:16,800
Speaker 2: just when you remember that you can actually empathize with

2326
01:48:16,840 --> 01:48:19,280
Speaker 2: it better and realize your parents also had to do things.

2327
01:48:19,800 --> 01:48:22,120
Speaker 2: That wasn't the reason you end up feeling neglected, like

2328
01:48:22,200 --> 01:48:24,880
Speaker 2: that wasn't it, Like I don't think I don't look

2329
01:48:24,920 --> 01:48:27,000
Speaker 2: back at that memory with my mum and go I

2330
01:48:27,000 --> 01:48:30,400
Speaker 2: felt neglected when she left for work because she explained

2331
01:48:30,400 --> 01:48:31,880
Speaker 2: it to me I knew where she was going. I

2332
01:48:31,920 --> 01:48:34,360
Speaker 2: knew I was her dad like it was it's And

2333
01:48:34,400 --> 01:48:36,720
Speaker 2: of course there are people who have very opposite experiences

2334
01:48:36,760 --> 01:48:39,360
Speaker 2: where they could have been neglect and trauma, and I

2335
01:48:39,400 --> 01:48:42,000
Speaker 2: think that's that's what I wanted to ask you about,

2336
01:48:42,040 --> 01:48:45,599
Speaker 2: is if someone's listening, going, look, I love my parents.

2337
01:48:45,680 --> 01:48:47,880
Speaker 2: They weren't perfect, but I love them, and or maybe

2338
01:48:47,920 --> 01:48:50,240
Speaker 2: they actually caused me a lot of pain, but you know,

2339
01:48:50,360 --> 01:48:52,360
Speaker 2: it is what it is. How do I not be

2340
01:48:52,640 --> 01:48:57,120
Speaker 2: like them? Because that's what I'm most scared of, because yeah,

2341
01:48:57,200 --> 01:49:00,479
Speaker 2: I am probably carrying some trauma and maybe I feel

2342
01:49:00,479 --> 01:49:02,320
Speaker 2: positively to them, but maybe there's one of them that

2343
01:49:02,360 --> 01:49:04,439
Speaker 2: I never want to talk to again, and I'm scared

2344
01:49:04,479 --> 01:49:05,920
Speaker 2: of becoming them.

2345
01:49:05,960 --> 01:49:08,639
Speaker 1: And I totally understand that fear, and what i'd say

2346
01:49:08,680 --> 01:49:12,760
Speaker 1: to that person first is like, I hope you give

2347
01:49:12,800 --> 01:49:15,240
Speaker 1: yourself a lot of credit for even just naming that

2348
01:49:15,479 --> 01:49:18,479
Speaker 1: and letting yourself see that there are things in my

2349
01:49:18,560 --> 01:49:20,840
Speaker 1: parents I love and I appreciate, and there are things

2350
01:49:20,920 --> 01:49:23,400
Speaker 1: I want to do really differently. I'm so scared of

2351
01:49:23,439 --> 01:49:26,640
Speaker 1: repeating that pattern that I would just say, that's kind

2352
01:49:26,680 --> 01:49:29,000
Speaker 1: of amazing and brave to even just name that that's

2353
01:49:29,000 --> 01:49:32,760
Speaker 1: step one, step two. I'd actually just want to learn more,

2354
01:49:32,800 --> 01:49:34,920
Speaker 1: tell me more. What don't you want to be like, well,

2355
01:49:35,680 --> 01:49:37,280
Speaker 1: I would have never talked to my parent when I

2356
01:49:37,280 --> 01:49:39,240
Speaker 1: was in a tricky situation. I felt like my parents

2357
01:49:39,240 --> 01:49:43,400
Speaker 1: were just controlling, judgmental, Like I'd want to get more specific, right, Okay,

2358
01:49:43,439 --> 01:49:45,960
Speaker 1: So what I think is helpful to know again is

2359
01:49:47,200 --> 01:49:49,760
Speaker 1: parenting is like a language, right. And if you were

2360
01:49:50,000 --> 01:49:53,559
Speaker 1: brought up in English, right, and you want to speak

2361
01:49:53,960 --> 01:49:57,960
Speaker 1: a little English, but also Mandarin, your first instinct with

2362
01:49:58,040 --> 01:50:00,880
Speaker 1: your kid, even as your learning Mandarin is going to

2363
01:50:00,880 --> 01:50:04,719
Speaker 1: be English. It just especially in stressful moments. And that's okay,

2364
01:50:04,760 --> 01:50:07,080
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean you're failing. It just means probably got

2365
01:50:07,120 --> 01:50:10,040
Speaker 1: to go back to those Mandarin lessons and you goverpair

2366
01:50:10,120 --> 01:50:12,320
Speaker 1: and you keep going. So I just also want people

2367
01:50:12,320 --> 01:50:14,639
Speaker 1: to know that's that's what change looks like. No one

2368
01:50:14,760 --> 01:50:18,520
Speaker 1: goes and does a complete one eighty. But people underestimate

2369
01:50:18,520 --> 01:50:20,719
Speaker 1: If you think about your family lineage like a ship

2370
01:50:21,040 --> 01:50:22,920
Speaker 1: and it's going toward a certain destination, you're like, I

2371
01:50:22,960 --> 01:50:25,720
Speaker 1: don't want to go there. Even a small shift in

2372
01:50:25,760 --> 01:50:31,439
Speaker 1: the ocean leads to a dramatically different destination, right, And

2373
01:50:31,560 --> 01:50:34,880
Speaker 1: that's what cycle breaking is. And then I think we

2374
01:50:35,000 --> 01:50:37,920
Speaker 1: work on one thing at a time. Okay, let's say

2375
01:50:37,920 --> 01:50:40,320
Speaker 1: it's I really want my kid to be the kind

2376
01:50:40,320 --> 01:50:42,240
Speaker 1: of kid who can come to me. Stakes are even

2377
01:50:42,280 --> 01:50:45,360
Speaker 1: higher now there's stuff on TikTok it, sex, drugs. I

2378
01:50:45,400 --> 01:50:47,360
Speaker 1: want my kid to come to me. I would have

2379
01:50:47,439 --> 01:50:49,880
Speaker 1: never with my parent. It still haunts me things that

2380
01:50:49,920 --> 01:50:52,040
Speaker 1: happened because I didn't or they yelled at me. Great,

2381
01:50:52,200 --> 01:50:54,519
Speaker 1: I'd feel, Okay, well, hold is your kid now? Five? Okay,

2382
01:50:54,720 --> 01:50:57,240
Speaker 1: let's start building that because I think that's a topic

2383
01:50:57,280 --> 01:51:00,160
Speaker 1: that comes up a lot. The idea that whether or

2384
01:51:00,160 --> 01:51:02,720
Speaker 1: not our team comes to us in tricky moments is

2385
01:51:02,760 --> 01:51:05,880
Speaker 1: something that like magically starts in the teenage years, as

2386
01:51:05,920 --> 01:51:08,760
Speaker 1: if there's no history to it. Right, So let's think

2387
01:51:08,800 --> 01:51:11,120
Speaker 1: about how you respond when your kid hits. Let's think

2388
01:51:11,160 --> 01:51:13,439
Speaker 1: about what happens ooh, you just got a female from

2389
01:51:13,479 --> 01:51:18,880
Speaker 1: school that your kids stole a truck from his friend's cuppy.

2390
01:51:18,920 --> 01:51:21,400
Speaker 1: These things seem very small compared to sex and drugs

2391
01:51:21,400 --> 01:51:24,160
Speaker 1: and rock and roll, but in a way, they're the

2392
01:51:24,160 --> 01:51:27,720
Speaker 1: same circuit. I did something I know you're not going

2393
01:51:27,800 --> 01:51:30,559
Speaker 1: to approve of. Frankly, I did something even I feel

2394
01:51:30,960 --> 01:51:34,880
Speaker 1: shameful about. How do we deal with that in this family? Now,

2395
01:51:34,960 --> 01:51:37,400
Speaker 1: what do I think that parents' first instinct is going

2396
01:51:37,479 --> 01:51:39,599
Speaker 1: to be? What do you think?

2397
01:51:40,000 --> 01:51:42,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, like, oh my god, I can't believe you stole

2398
01:51:42,080 --> 01:51:43,080
Speaker 2: the truck. What's wrong with you?

2399
01:51:43,160 --> 01:51:45,400
Speaker 1: Like exactly what's wrong with you? Go to your room?

2400
01:51:45,640 --> 01:51:46,880
Speaker 1: By the way, when you go to your room, I

2401
01:51:46,920 --> 01:51:48,960
Speaker 1: took away all your trucks, Like I don't, by the way,

2402
01:51:49,000 --> 01:51:51,240
Speaker 1: I guess it's just what we we like just come

2403
01:51:51,360 --> 01:51:54,040
Speaker 1: up with this stuff because it's been so many generations,

2404
01:51:54,080 --> 01:51:57,000
Speaker 1: even though it's laughable, like why would that help my kid?

2405
01:51:57,240 --> 01:51:59,320
Speaker 1: But we all have the instinct. I do too. But

2406
01:51:59,360 --> 01:52:02,360
Speaker 1: if you know you're gonna have that instinct, you're more prepared,

2407
01:52:02,600 --> 01:52:05,120
Speaker 1: and you might. And this is where I tell parents, like,

2408
01:52:05,400 --> 01:52:07,720
Speaker 1: if you thought of it like a new language, you

2409
01:52:07,760 --> 01:52:11,479
Speaker 1: would never expect yourself to learn Mandarin just because you

2410
01:52:11,640 --> 01:52:15,160
Speaker 1: wanted to learn Mandarin, like frankly, I don't know. You'd

2411
01:52:15,160 --> 01:52:17,680
Speaker 1: probably just download dueling. I don't know, and you'd be like,

2412
01:52:17,880 --> 01:52:19,760
Speaker 1: I'm gonna practice as many days as I can. If

2413
01:52:19,800 --> 01:52:21,680
Speaker 1: I miss my streak, it's okay, I'm gonna get back on.

2414
01:52:21,800 --> 01:52:24,519
Speaker 1: And that's what I feel like good insight is it

2415
01:52:24,600 --> 01:52:26,599
Speaker 1: is a new language. So what does that mean? First?

2416
01:52:26,640 --> 01:52:28,160
Speaker 1: You have to learn how to regulate your own emotions.

2417
01:52:28,200 --> 01:52:30,479
Speaker 1: You're probably telling yourself the story my kid's stealing trucks

2418
01:52:30,520 --> 01:52:32,240
Speaker 1: at age four. They're gonna be in jail by age nineteen.

2419
01:52:32,280 --> 01:52:34,000
Speaker 1: I have a sociopath. That is what you do as

2420
01:52:34,000 --> 01:52:36,000
Speaker 1: a parent. The number of times you start thinking your

2421
01:52:36,080 --> 01:52:38,200
Speaker 1: kid's a sociopath when really they're just a good kid

2422
01:52:38,240 --> 01:52:40,240
Speaker 1: having a hard time is way too many to count.

2423
01:52:40,520 --> 01:52:42,360
Speaker 1: But let's do that. So what do I say to myself?

2424
01:52:42,520 --> 01:52:44,559
Speaker 1: What is the mantra? Where do I go? Do I

2425
01:52:44,560 --> 01:52:46,200
Speaker 1: have a support group? Do I have a friend to text?

2426
01:52:46,200 --> 01:52:48,840
Speaker 1: Do I have a little chatbot that helps me these

2427
01:52:48,880 --> 01:52:49,320
Speaker 1: day and age?

2428
01:52:49,400 --> 01:52:49,519
Speaker 2: Right?

2429
01:52:49,520 --> 01:52:52,120
Speaker 1: That's what we have right too? Okay, there's that. Then

2430
01:52:52,160 --> 01:52:55,120
Speaker 1: I'm gonna remember we're on the same team. Then I'm

2431
01:52:55,160 --> 01:52:57,280
Speaker 1: gonna remember a little of that sick joy which is

2432
01:52:57,280 --> 01:52:59,800
Speaker 1: true there too. Hold on a second. If I know

2433
01:53:00,120 --> 01:53:03,639
Speaker 1: my kid sees things that they want and doesn't yet

2434
01:53:03,680 --> 01:53:07,120
Speaker 1: have the impulse control to not take them, if I

2435
01:53:07,120 --> 01:53:10,280
Speaker 1: can help my kid without at age four, do you

2436
01:53:10,320 --> 01:53:14,240
Speaker 1: know much better that is than learning at age fourteen

2437
01:53:15,000 --> 01:53:17,880
Speaker 1: forty four like then things get bad.

2438
01:53:18,120 --> 01:53:19,439
Speaker 2: Yeah, we all have an urge to.

2439
01:53:19,439 --> 01:53:22,160
Speaker 1: Take things that we want, right, so you can actually, okay,

2440
01:53:22,240 --> 01:53:24,200
Speaker 1: this is a good thing, same team. And then there's

2441
01:53:24,439 --> 01:53:26,280
Speaker 1: maybe I'm gonna get curious. Yeah, that would have been

2442
01:53:26,320 --> 01:53:29,080
Speaker 1: nice if my parents were curious. Okay then, and this

2443
01:53:29,200 --> 01:53:31,679
Speaker 1: is just a rule I have for any relationship. Don't

2444
01:53:31,720 --> 01:53:34,880
Speaker 1: ask anybody a question you know the answer to. It's

2445
01:53:34,920 --> 01:53:38,280
Speaker 1: not a question, that's an accusation with a question mark.

2446
01:53:38,560 --> 01:53:42,120
Speaker 1: Did you take anything from the copy today? You're just

2447
01:53:42,160 --> 01:53:45,519
Speaker 1: setting yourself up to be adversary. Say the truth. I

2448
01:53:45,520 --> 01:53:49,280
Speaker 1: heard what happened. This is a good line, right, You're

2449
01:53:49,280 --> 01:53:53,160
Speaker 1: a good kid, made a bad decision. That's okay, You're

2450
01:53:53,200 --> 01:53:56,519
Speaker 1: not in trouble. My job is to help understand and

2451
01:53:56,640 --> 01:53:59,360
Speaker 1: help you through it. This actually happened with my kid, Okay,

2452
01:53:59,560 --> 01:54:02,839
Speaker 1: one of my kids. You know, he saw something he wanted,

2453
01:54:02,880 --> 01:54:04,160
Speaker 1: and you know what, a lot of us when we

2454
01:54:04,200 --> 01:54:06,680
Speaker 1: see things we want, we wish it was ours. And

2455
01:54:06,840 --> 01:54:08,680
Speaker 1: so we talked about it. We did this, and then

2456
01:54:08,720 --> 01:54:10,479
Speaker 1: we did a lot of other things. I really do

2457
01:54:10,600 --> 01:54:13,400
Speaker 1: take coaching, I think to the next level. Like if

2458
01:54:13,479 --> 01:54:15,200
Speaker 1: you're and I always go back to sports because I'm

2459
01:54:15,200 --> 01:54:17,760
Speaker 1: a sports person too. But if you are a basketball coach,

2460
01:54:17,800 --> 01:54:19,720
Speaker 1: you can sit down some kids and teach them how

2461
01:54:19,800 --> 01:54:22,479
Speaker 1: to make a layup, but we all know you then

2462
01:54:22,520 --> 01:54:25,880
Speaker 1: actually have to get in the gym and like do it.

2463
01:54:26,000 --> 01:54:29,280
Speaker 1: You can't just mentally learn it. The body movements matter.

2464
01:54:29,640 --> 01:54:31,360
Speaker 1: So one of the things I did with my son

2465
01:54:31,439 --> 01:54:33,720
Speaker 1: in this example is I was like, after not all

2466
01:54:33,720 --> 01:54:36,400
Speaker 1: on the same day, we're gonna play a game. I'm

2467
01:54:36,440 --> 01:54:40,480
Speaker 1: gonna have a truck and I'm gonna put it somewhere

2468
01:54:40,480 --> 01:54:43,040
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna walk away, and I want you to

2469
01:54:43,080 --> 01:54:45,760
Speaker 1: see it, and let's practice this. You're gonna say to yourself,

2470
01:54:45,800 --> 01:54:48,200
Speaker 1: I really want that, and then we're gonna practice the

2471
01:54:48,280 --> 01:54:54,440
Speaker 1: thing we just talked about. This stinks, but it's not mine.

2472
01:54:54,760 --> 01:54:57,840
Speaker 1: Some like mini mantra literally a tool, and I'm gonna

2473
01:54:57,960 --> 01:55:00,840
Speaker 1: actually practice that, and then I'll kids a resistance. It'll

2474
01:55:00,880 --> 01:55:03,280
Speaker 1: reverse it. Okay, I'll be you. Okay, Oh I want

2475
01:55:03,320 --> 01:55:07,000
Speaker 1: that truck. Maybe if I take it, nobody will notice.

2476
01:55:07,240 --> 01:55:09,120
Speaker 1: Then it'll be mine and then it'll just be my

2477
01:55:09,160 --> 01:55:11,680
Speaker 1: little truck and it's all gonna be Okay. Wait, Becky,

2478
01:55:13,080 --> 01:55:17,920
Speaker 1: I want it. This stinks, but I can deal with it.

2479
01:55:17,920 --> 01:55:21,400
Speaker 1: It's actually amazing when you give kids little mantras, little

2480
01:55:21,440 --> 01:55:24,920
Speaker 1: alternative behaviors, and I know it, sense I hear a

2481
01:55:24,920 --> 01:55:28,320
Speaker 1: pound's voice. I do like that takes a lot of time. Yeah,

2482
01:55:28,440 --> 01:55:30,600
Speaker 1: I hear that. But in life, I think we either

2483
01:55:30,680 --> 01:55:35,760
Speaker 1: spend time preparing or reacting. And however you spend time naturally,

2484
01:55:35,920 --> 01:55:37,480
Speaker 1: you just don't account for it as time. You know

2485
01:55:37,480 --> 01:55:39,080
Speaker 1: how much time it takes to be mad at your

2486
01:55:39,120 --> 01:55:40,960
Speaker 1: kid all day, how much time it takes when you

2487
01:55:41,040 --> 01:55:44,120
Speaker 1: stay up at bed feeling so kind of ashamed of

2488
01:55:44,120 --> 01:55:46,960
Speaker 1: how the day went. How much time those things take

2489
01:55:47,000 --> 01:55:49,320
Speaker 1: time too. I promise you these little interventions can take

2490
01:55:49,360 --> 01:55:51,320
Speaker 1: forty five seconds. Again, my son, we're not having some

2491
01:55:51,520 --> 01:55:54,480
Speaker 1: in depth conversation. It's just a thing, and we move on.

2492
01:55:55,040 --> 01:55:58,600
Speaker 1: And then and then they literally always then with NYE

2493
01:55:58,600 --> 01:56:01,440
Speaker 1: pretzels now, and you're like, I guess they're saturated. But

2494
01:56:02,200 --> 01:56:04,920
Speaker 1: regulate your own emotions. Remember you're on the same team.

2495
01:56:05,280 --> 01:56:07,920
Speaker 1: It's good news when you see bad behavior when they're young,

2496
01:56:08,160 --> 01:56:10,880
Speaker 1: because they're always younger than they are tomorrow. And if

2497
01:56:10,920 --> 01:56:14,160
Speaker 1: you see it again as a feeling an urge gap

2498
01:56:14,280 --> 01:56:17,280
Speaker 1: with the skills, the answer becomes I can be a coach.

2499
01:56:17,360 --> 01:56:21,240
Speaker 1: Teach skills, practice skills here and there, and then often

2500
01:56:21,680 --> 01:56:24,360
Speaker 1: what's amazing is not only does behavior change, it doesn't

2501
01:56:24,400 --> 01:56:27,480
Speaker 1: change from fear, because in behavior changes from fear, I'm

2502
01:56:27,480 --> 01:56:30,440
Speaker 1: just so scared of my parent. That then leads to

2503
01:56:30,520 --> 01:56:34,240
Speaker 1: becoming a teen. You know, when you're a teen, you

2504
01:56:34,240 --> 01:56:36,960
Speaker 1: don't care about the timeouts, you don't care about your kids,

2505
01:56:37,120 --> 01:56:39,840
Speaker 1: you don't care about your parents stickers, You're just not

2506
01:56:39,880 --> 01:56:42,120
Speaker 1: really having a relationship with them, and you're hiding things

2507
01:56:42,120 --> 01:56:42,520
Speaker 1: from them.

2508
01:56:43,160 --> 01:56:48,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, all said Becky, You were very clear that there's

2509
01:56:48,920 --> 01:56:50,520
Speaker 2: no such thing as a perfect parent, but you are

2510
01:56:50,560 --> 01:56:54,000
Speaker 2: a perfect coach, and your advice and insight is This

2511
01:56:54,040 --> 01:56:57,280
Speaker 2: has been by far my favorite conversation on parenting, and

2512
01:56:57,720 --> 01:57:00,240
Speaker 2: that's such a great time learning from you today. Like

2513
01:57:00,280 --> 01:57:04,560
Speaker 2: I've had mind blowing moments, have had affirmations on things

2514
01:57:04,600 --> 01:57:07,480
Speaker 2: that I already believed were true. I've had clarifications, I've

2515
01:57:07,520 --> 01:57:10,280
Speaker 2: had extensions of things that I thought I understood, but

2516
01:57:10,320 --> 01:57:12,600
Speaker 2: you've expanded my mind. And I think everyone at home

2517
01:57:12,720 --> 01:57:14,880
Speaker 2: is listening and watching or on the road would feel

2518
01:57:14,920 --> 01:57:16,480
Speaker 2: the same way. And so I hope everyone who's listening

2519
01:57:16,480 --> 01:57:19,040
Speaker 2: and watching, I hope you go and check out the

2520
01:57:19,280 --> 01:57:22,520
Speaker 2: app Good inside, check out the platform, go and grab

2521
01:57:22,520 --> 01:57:24,720
Speaker 2: a copy of the book. Follow back You online if

2522
01:57:24,720 --> 01:57:27,840
Speaker 2: you don't already. Her Instagram and social media is full

2523
01:57:27,880 --> 01:57:30,480
Speaker 2: of great insights that are really simply and succinctly put

2524
01:57:30,600 --> 01:57:33,480
Speaker 2: for you to start making real change. And at the

2525
01:57:33,480 --> 01:57:35,400
Speaker 2: same time, I really hope that you'll tag both of

2526
01:57:35,480 --> 01:57:37,960
Speaker 2: us and share the insights and the thoughts that have

2527
01:57:38,040 --> 01:57:41,120
Speaker 2: resonated with you today that you're putting into action, that

2528
01:57:41,160 --> 01:57:44,040
Speaker 2: you're trying out and whether you've got the reaction you

2529
01:57:44,080 --> 01:57:46,360
Speaker 2: wanted or not, but the win that you had of

2530
01:57:46,400 --> 01:57:49,680
Speaker 2: actually communicating effectively, of following some of these scripts and

2531
01:57:49,680 --> 01:57:51,880
Speaker 2: making them your own and putting them into your own

2532
01:57:51,960 --> 01:57:54,800
Speaker 2: language and words with your kids, I really hope this

2533
01:57:54,840 --> 01:57:58,720
Speaker 2: helps you build the child and the life and the

2534
01:57:58,760 --> 01:58:01,880
Speaker 2: relationship that you're looking for with them. And Becky, I'm

2535
01:58:01,920 --> 01:58:03,480
Speaker 2: just so grateful to you for having your time and

2536
01:58:03,560 --> 01:58:04,560
Speaker 2: energy to do this with me.

2537
01:58:04,880 --> 01:58:05,200
Speaker 1: Thank you.

2538
01:58:05,560 --> 01:58:06,400
Speaker 2: That's such a great time.

2539
01:58:06,720 --> 01:58:08,400
Speaker 1: It's such a great time to hope. You know it's

2540
01:58:08,440 --> 01:58:09,520
Speaker 1: not too long till I see you again.

2541
01:58:09,600 --> 01:58:11,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, you have to come back. I have so much

2542
01:58:11,360 --> 01:58:12,640
Speaker 2: more I ney to talk to you about. We just

2543
01:58:12,640 --> 01:58:15,400
Speaker 2: spoke for two hours and I could literally talk to

2544
01:58:15,400 --> 01:58:17,120
Speaker 2: you for another two hours, but I've been mindful of time.

2545
01:58:17,160 --> 01:58:20,000
Speaker 2: But I would love for you to come back because

2546
01:58:20,000 --> 01:58:21,839
Speaker 2: I feel like there's so much more for us to uncover.

2547
01:58:22,120 --> 01:58:22,720
Speaker 1: I'm all in.

2548
01:58:22,960 --> 01:58:25,360
Speaker 2: I'm so grateful. Thank you so much. If you love

2549
01:58:25,400 --> 01:58:29,120
Speaker 2: this episode, you'll love my interview with Dr Gabor Matte

2550
01:58:29,560 --> 01:58:33,720
Speaker 2: on understanding your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds

2551
01:58:34,040 --> 01:58:37,080
Speaker 2: to start moving on from the past. Everything in nature

2552
01:58:37,080 --> 01:58:39,880
Speaker 2: grows only where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't go

2553
01:58:39,960 --> 01:58:41,440
Speaker 2: o where it's hard and thick, does it.

2554
01:58:41,440 --> 01:58:43,800
Speaker 1: It goes where it's soft and green and vulnerable.