WEBVTT - “I GET BIT A LOT” 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:02.280 Where are you in my living room? 0:00:02.680 --> 0:00:03.360 What's going on? 0:00:04.080 --> 0:00:08.160 I'm just hanging out, kind of looking at the lights. 0:00:09.039 --> 0:00:11.200 Been a hope for a little bit, watching the show. 0:00:12.960 --> 0:00:15.960 Girlfriend just went to sleep, so I've just been chilling. 0:00:16.600 --> 0:00:18.279 How can I get you today? Is there anything in 0:00:18.280 --> 0:00:19.840 particularly called in to talk about? 0:00:20.320 --> 0:00:20.720 Man? 0:00:22.320 --> 0:00:27.120 Well, I got bit today, and honestly, like stuff like 0:00:27.160 --> 0:00:33.080 this is a normal occurrence. I just don't really know 0:00:33.120 --> 0:00:35.760 how to deal with it anymore. Kind of over it, 0:00:36.720 --> 0:00:40.519 and I kind of feel bad because I think it's 0:00:40.560 --> 0:00:46.480 my responsibility not to be over it. So I'm just conflicted. 0:00:46.720 --> 0:00:48.479 So it says here that you are a bit today 0:00:48.560 --> 0:00:52.240 by a human child, and that you work with children 0:00:52.280 --> 0:00:55.560 that have behavioral issues. Is that accurate? 0:00:57.520 --> 0:01:00.000 Yeah, that's very accurate. 0:01:00.080 --> 0:01:07.080 It tough job, tough it is, So tell me this. 0:01:09.080 --> 0:01:11.080 I'm sure you knew before you got into it that 0:01:11.120 --> 0:01:13.399 it would be a tough job, and yet you chose 0:01:13.440 --> 0:01:16.160 to get into it anyway. Why did you make that decision? 0:01:20.040 --> 0:01:26.880 Well, I you know, I love the community I grew 0:01:26.959 --> 0:01:32.280 up in. I've loved sports in general, and so I 0:01:32.480 --> 0:01:39.480 started coaching, you know, local basketball teams as a side hobby, 0:01:39.520 --> 0:01:41.840 and I realized there's something I really love to do. 0:01:42.120 --> 0:01:45.399 So I tried to get back into my you know, 0:01:45.520 --> 0:01:50.920 hometown system where I can start coaching and you know, 0:01:53.040 --> 0:01:57.520 just being a part of something again. And it's just 0:01:58.000 --> 0:02:00.400 been something that has brought me like a lot of 0:02:00.480 --> 0:02:05.440 joy and purpose in my life. But I'm not like 0:02:05.560 --> 0:02:09.200 somebody that has a typical degree, So being in the 0:02:09.200 --> 0:02:12.400 school systems just hard in general. So I kind of 0:02:12.440 --> 0:02:15.480 have to get in where I can fit in. And 0:02:15.560 --> 0:02:19.120 being in one of these roles as like a helper 0:02:19.320 --> 0:02:25.200 for you know, these kids with special needs, you know, 0:02:25.560 --> 0:02:27.800 is a great way to get into these districts, but 0:02:29.639 --> 0:02:34.000 it just kind of sucks in general, just because you're 0:02:35.480 --> 0:02:42.720 more or less just viewed as not you know, super 0:02:42.720 --> 0:02:46.639 important or a super integral to anything that. 0:02:47.560 --> 0:02:51.520 Really you feel as though this job working with special 0:02:51.560 --> 0:02:53.520 needs kids, you feel as though it is it is 0:02:53.639 --> 0:02:57.519 not a respectable or not respectable, but not a respected 0:03:00.360 --> 0:03:01.120 around the community. 0:03:03.280 --> 0:03:05.079 Well yeah, like and it's not something I guess I 0:03:05.200 --> 0:03:09.120 necessarily knew what before I got the job. After getting 0:03:09.120 --> 0:03:11.640 the job, and just like through social media and stuff, 0:03:11.680 --> 0:03:15.400 I see like, yeah, this is definitely something where other 0:03:15.440 --> 0:03:19.160 people have these same issues where they you know, are 0:03:19.200 --> 0:03:22.800 stressed out about what's going on, and they do with 0:03:23.520 --> 0:03:26.639 too much at work for you know, to be honest, 0:03:26.800 --> 0:03:32.240 not enough pay. It's just it's just tough. So I 0:03:32.240 --> 0:03:35.080 feel like I'm in this box where I did actually 0:03:35.200 --> 0:03:38.520 end up being getting into a situation where I'm able 0:03:38.560 --> 0:03:42.760 to coach. So I am coaching now and I'm loving it. 0:03:43.600 --> 0:03:46.560 But my day to day is just so awful, and 0:03:47.400 --> 0:03:50.760 you know, getting bit and punched and slapped and kicked 0:03:51.640 --> 0:03:56.240 and cussed out by children you know who I know, 0:03:58.080 --> 0:04:03.400 you know can't necessarily control it, so it's not their fault. 0:04:03.680 --> 0:04:07.119 I just need it. 0:04:07.120 --> 0:04:10.680 It's just a weird anger. Not anger, but it's just 0:04:10.720 --> 0:04:13.200 a weird emotion to have because you're not really sure 0:04:13.200 --> 0:04:17.760 who to direct your frustrations at. 0:04:18.160 --> 0:04:20.440 So I wanted just the thing you said at the 0:04:20.440 --> 0:04:25.400 beginning where you were like, you feel as though part 0:04:25.480 --> 0:04:30.320 of the job is dealing with I forget exactly what 0:04:30.360 --> 0:04:33.480 you said, but you said something where that that indicated 0:04:33.520 --> 0:04:39.880 that you were feeling guilty about this feeling you have 0:04:40.040 --> 0:04:42.320 of of it being too much, and of not wanting 0:04:42.360 --> 0:04:43.039 to do it anymore. 0:04:45.600 --> 0:04:53.040 Yeah, because honestly, like you build these relationships with these kids, 0:04:53.080 --> 0:04:58.200 and you know, if I'm not even if I'm not 0:04:58.240 --> 0:05:02.159 a full on teacher. Like these kids come to school 0:05:02.160 --> 0:05:04.880 every day and they, you know, look forward to seeing me, 0:05:04.920 --> 0:05:06.840 and I look forward to seeing them and having our 0:05:06.880 --> 0:05:11.520 little interactions. But at the end of the day, I'm 0:05:11.520 --> 0:05:15.480 not able to pay my bills. I'm not able to do, 0:05:15.760 --> 0:05:18.960 you know, extra things for my girlfriend who deserves it, 0:05:19.000 --> 0:05:21.400 who's supposed to hell out of me, you know. And 0:05:21.480 --> 0:05:24.320 so it's just like it's a really conflicting place to 0:05:24.360 --> 0:05:27.919 be in. So now I'm like, like, I need to 0:05:27.920 --> 0:05:31.480 get out and get something better. That way I can 0:05:31.960 --> 0:05:34.000 get to the next stage in life. But at the 0:05:34.000 --> 0:05:37.040 same time, I know they're not going to hire somebody 0:05:37.040 --> 0:05:40.560 that maybe cares as much as I do. And maybe 0:05:40.560 --> 0:05:42.799 it's because they didn't grow up in the same town 0:05:43.720 --> 0:05:46.200 as me, you know, and they don't see themselves and 0:05:46.320 --> 0:05:46.920 these children. 0:05:47.080 --> 0:05:48.480 But I don't know. 0:05:48.520 --> 0:05:50.600 It's one of those tough things where it's like, Okay, 0:05:51.120 --> 0:05:53.640 if I give up on everybody else's too. 0:05:54.480 --> 0:05:57.360 That's a lot. That's a lot. That's a lot. 0:05:57.600 --> 0:06:00.400 I just don't want to be bit Yeah, I mean that's. 0:06:00.279 --> 0:06:04.960 A reasonable desire to have. Let's can we start there, 0:06:05.800 --> 0:06:08.040 just that that's a reasonable desire to not want to 0:06:08.080 --> 0:06:13.960 get a bit. You know, you're I think you're demanding 0:06:14.040 --> 0:06:21.640 this like superman like energy out of yourself. That it 0:06:21.920 --> 0:06:27.240 is not realistic off the bat. Yeah, because you're like 0:06:27.360 --> 0:06:29.800 guilty about the fact that you don't want children to 0:06:29.839 --> 0:06:30.800 bite you and hit you. 0:06:33.920 --> 0:06:34.920 Yeah. 0:06:35.040 --> 0:06:36.840 But also I get it, I understand what you're saying. 0:06:36.880 --> 0:06:39.800 You feel as though you feel this responsibility which is 0:06:40.279 --> 0:06:44.279 noble of you. It's noble of you, And there's many 0:06:44.279 --> 0:06:46.080 I don't know, man, it's it's this is tough thing, 0:06:46.120 --> 0:06:47.800 and I don't know either way, because there's a lot 0:06:47.800 --> 0:06:53.160 of different schools of thought about it. There's a school 0:06:53.160 --> 0:06:57.680 of thought to nobility, which is that you you kind 0:06:57.680 --> 0:07:07.200 of take on pain and discomforts and unruliness of these 0:07:07.279 --> 0:07:11.960 kids and you do it for the noble higher purpose 0:07:13.760 --> 0:07:19.240 that if you give up on them, do everyone else will. 0:07:20.080 --> 0:07:25.320 And there's something to that school of thoughts. But there's 0:07:25.360 --> 0:07:30.280 a lot of other schools of thought that could say, well, 0:07:30.640 --> 0:07:36.840 you're a human being too, and you need to recognize 0:07:37.680 --> 0:07:44.480 your own fallibility that yeah, getting kicked and hit sucks, 0:07:44.520 --> 0:07:47.520 and if you can't do it anymore and you don't 0:07:47.560 --> 0:07:54.960 have the energy, then it's a disservice. To yourself and 0:07:56.200 --> 0:08:01.560 possibly even to the kids, for you to be involved 0:08:01.920 --> 0:08:06.840 in something that you know is just fucking weighing down 0:08:06.880 --> 0:08:11.680 on you. And I don't know where I'm not gonna 0:08:12.760 --> 0:08:19.960 say that any of those are the right choice, but 0:08:20.240 --> 0:08:25.560 maybe that is the point here, Maybe that neither of 0:08:25.560 --> 0:08:30.480 those is the right choice, you know what I'm saying. So, yeah, 0:08:30.560 --> 0:08:38.320 whatever you do decide to go with, I would hope 0:08:38.320 --> 0:08:43.120 that there is I hope that the understanding that neither 0:08:43.160 --> 0:08:46.679 of those is the quote right choice helps you with 0:08:46.760 --> 0:08:52.200 the kind of cognitive dissonance of it, you know, as 0:08:52.280 --> 0:08:56.080 in whichever you choose you can lean into. If you 0:08:56.120 --> 0:09:02.280 decide that you want to this on as a noble 0:09:02.280 --> 0:09:06.800 purpose and you want to you know, go at it 0:09:06.920 --> 0:09:10.760 warrior mode, then all right, we can lean into that, 0:09:10.840 --> 0:09:13.199 and we can take pride in the fact that that's 0:09:13.200 --> 0:09:16.880 what we've chosen and that you know, it's not the 0:09:16.880 --> 0:09:19.280 wrong choice. And if we want to do the other 0:09:19.280 --> 0:09:21.320 thing and we want to go I need to live 0:09:21.400 --> 0:09:28.200 my own life and not get fucking, you know, stuff 0:09:28.240 --> 0:09:34.040 thrown at me all the time, then you know that's 0:09:34.080 --> 0:09:38.720 not the wrong choice either. Yeah, what do you think 0:09:38.760 --> 0:09:39.439 about all of that? 0:09:41.920 --> 0:09:44.440 No, it's it's you bring up you know, a lot 0:09:44.480 --> 0:09:48.080 of other points, even just the stuff weighing down on me. 0:09:49.559 --> 0:09:55.880 I felt that today, Let's say I coached basketball, so, uh, 0:09:56.040 --> 0:09:58.520 like I went to practice today after you know, having 0:09:58.559 --> 0:10:01.559 a tough day at work. I just felt myself being 0:10:01.600 --> 0:10:05.400 a little bit more heavy on, you know, the the 0:10:05.440 --> 0:10:07.920 other kids that I work with, and at the end 0:10:07.920 --> 0:10:11.120 of the day, they are kids like their high schoolers, 0:10:11.160 --> 0:10:14.960 and so it's just like, Okay, now I'm you know, 0:10:16.080 --> 0:10:19.640 face face with a lot of emotions, you know there 0:10:19.720 --> 0:10:21.960 it's like, okay, you know, now you're not you're not 0:10:23.000 --> 0:10:26.160 being the best you. And I've been having more and 0:10:26.200 --> 0:10:30.240 more thoughts of like, uh, I only do get one life, 0:10:30.320 --> 0:10:33.960 so yeah, I have to kind of choose how I 0:10:34.000 --> 0:10:34.280 live it. 0:10:35.000 --> 0:10:37.080 Yeah, the next step. 0:10:38.000 --> 0:10:42.360 It's pretty crucial. I love what I do, Like I 0:10:42.400 --> 0:10:46.160 wish I could do what I do forever. Honestly, if 0:10:47.280 --> 0:10:49.360 I was getting paid enough to live on, I could 0:10:49.360 --> 0:10:52.920 get you know, punched and slapped and kicked by a 0:10:52.960 --> 0:10:55.160 billion of these kids. Like it doesn't matter to me. 0:10:55.320 --> 0:10:59.320 But yeah, you know, whenever you have to go home 0:10:59.400 --> 0:11:03.440 and face you know, other realities, that's just makes it tougher. 0:11:04.080 --> 0:11:06.439 So what state do you live in? 0:11:06.480 --> 0:11:06.600 Can? 0:11:06.640 --> 0:11:12.400 I ask, uh, Kansas, Kansas and they don't. And your 0:11:12.840 --> 0:11:13.720 high school teacher? 0:11:16.000 --> 0:11:19.440 Uh, so I work in the elementary school and. 0:11:19.400 --> 0:11:23.400 I yeah, I think you said they were high school kids. 0:11:24.640 --> 0:11:26.840 So I coach at the high school level. 0:11:27.840 --> 0:11:29.760 You coach at the high school, Okay, And you don't 0:11:29.760 --> 0:11:32.280 really get paid to coach that much? You met. Your 0:11:32.320 --> 0:11:35.720 main job where you can pay it is the elementary school. 0:11:37.080 --> 0:11:37.280 Yeah. 0:11:38.160 --> 0:11:42.760 Yeah, essentially I get a stipend for coaching, but with 0:11:42.880 --> 0:11:44.880 the hours I have to miss because I'm hourly, and 0:11:44.960 --> 0:11:48.360 that a normal teacher, I actually end up losing money, 0:11:49.600 --> 0:11:52.199 you know, driving back and forth and taking hours out 0:11:52.200 --> 0:11:54.920 of the check to go over and coach. Yeah, but 0:11:55.360 --> 0:11:57.560 that's that's something I knew I was going to have 0:11:57.600 --> 0:11:59.960 to do, so that's not as big a deal to me. 0:12:00.720 --> 0:12:04.080 Hey, you bring up a good point when you say 0:12:04.160 --> 0:12:05.720 that you only have one life, and is this how 0:12:05.760 --> 0:12:08.120 I really want to live it? I mean, I always 0:12:08.160 --> 0:12:14.240 think that that's what's a prime way to think about 0:12:15.440 --> 0:12:19.040 That's a prime framing device upon which to to think 0:12:19.080 --> 0:12:24.720 about your life. You know that it's crazy, crazy short, Yeah, 0:12:24.760 --> 0:12:32.600 and you should you know. Yeah, it's tough man, Yeah. 0:12:31.400 --> 0:12:35.840 Tough honestly though, like you know, I've been reading some 0:12:35.880 --> 0:12:40.240 books that have been you know, interested in Again, I 0:12:40.320 --> 0:12:42.480 haven't been reading it in a while, you know, for 0:12:42.520 --> 0:12:44.079 the last couple of years of my life. So I've 0:12:44.080 --> 0:12:47.400 been kind of just rethinking myself and you know, listening 0:12:47.440 --> 0:12:50.320 to podcasts. Me and my girlfriend discovered you about a 0:12:50.360 --> 0:12:52.679 year ago, and it's I mean, stuff you say, man, 0:12:52.720 --> 0:12:55.080 it changes some of my perspectives. So I got to 0:12:55.080 --> 0:12:57.360 thank you there and it's helped me to the last 0:12:57.360 --> 0:13:01.040 couple you know whatever months and just trying to be 0:13:01.080 --> 0:13:02.079 a better human about it. 0:13:03.040 --> 0:13:08.800 Cool. I'm glad to hear that. I think. Fuck, man, 0:13:09.400 --> 0:13:11.480 I don't know. You're doing the best you can out here. 0:13:11.960 --> 0:13:14.679 I feel like that's all you can do, right, I mean, 0:13:14.720 --> 0:13:19.640 you gave if if anything, if anything, I hope that 0:13:20.400 --> 0:13:24.800 whatever you choose, listen, listen. First of all, so many people, 0:13:24.880 --> 0:13:29.240 more people than not, have been like fuck those kids. 0:13:29.280 --> 0:13:32.960 Why would I ever want to do that? That's like 0:13:33.120 --> 0:13:35.720 most that's me, by the way, I would never do this. 0:13:36.520 --> 0:13:43.640 I'd never do this. So for you, well, okay, and 0:13:43.720 --> 0:13:45.560 I don't say that. I say that. I say that 0:13:45.600 --> 0:13:49.400 to me. For you to do it is a lot 0:13:49.440 --> 0:13:51.520 for you to do it for however much time you 0:13:51.559 --> 0:13:55.080 did it. For you to do it, you literally like 0:13:56.160 --> 0:14:01.200 to do it until you cannot any longer. Is so much. 0:14:02.440 --> 0:14:07.160 So whatever you decide to take, you know, pride in that. 0:14:08.920 --> 0:14:11.240 Thank you and I will. 0:14:13.040 --> 0:14:13.280 Thank you. 0:14:14.200 --> 0:14:18.240 Yeah, just thank you for talking to me about this. 0:14:18.559 --> 0:14:22.480 And there's been a lot on my chest. And honestly, 0:14:22.520 --> 0:14:25.680 it's not something I can talk to my coworkers about 0:14:26.000 --> 0:14:28.680 because it just gets weird, you know, because now you're 0:14:28.680 --> 0:14:30.440 talking to your boss about how much you hit your 0:14:30.480 --> 0:14:33.640 job and just stuff like that. And my girlfriend, like, 0:14:34.720 --> 0:14:36.800 you know, I don't like bothering her with about it 0:14:36.840 --> 0:14:39.240 every day because you know, you'd like to keep their positive. 0:14:39.360 --> 0:14:41.560 So well, well, well I want to say that it's 0:14:41.680 --> 0:14:44.840 it's you mentioned a funny thing just now. Your coworkers, 0:14:44.920 --> 0:14:47.240 I mean, not necessarily your bosses, but the other coaches, 0:14:47.280 --> 0:14:48.640 how do they feel about this ship? 0:14:51.960 --> 0:14:54.360 So they don't kind of have different you know life, 0:14:55.280 --> 0:15:00.760 you know places. Some of them work at the high 0:15:00.800 --> 0:15:02.640 school level, so they kind of make a salary and 0:15:02.720 --> 0:15:05.560 they you know, they've been making some money for a while, 0:15:05.640 --> 0:15:10.960 so they're a little more comfortable online. Another like a 0:15:10.960 --> 0:15:13.840 couple other ones have other jobs to where they have 0:15:13.920 --> 0:15:17.960 good money. So I'm the only one that's really still 0:15:17.960 --> 0:15:23.680 at that first stage of life still and it's due 0:15:23.680 --> 0:15:26.880 to me making them just like silly choices in my 0:15:26.920 --> 0:15:31.400 early twenties, which is whatever, Like that's everybody. But I'm 0:15:31.440 --> 0:15:33.600 just kind of trying to play catch up. But I'm 0:15:33.640 --> 0:15:35.600 trying to play catch up my way to I don't 0:15:35.640 --> 0:15:39.680 really want to, you know, if I'm forcing this box 0:15:39.680 --> 0:15:42.560 where I have to go to the conventional route, I 0:15:42.560 --> 0:15:44.040 guess I'll have to at the end of the day. 0:15:44.040 --> 0:15:50.960 But I'm just trying to, you know, do what I can. 0:15:54.880 --> 0:15:57.480 Josh, thanks for all the kind of words and for 0:15:59.040 --> 0:16:02.760 you know, getting bit by children so that so that 0:16:02.880 --> 0:16:04.240 I and many others don't have to. 0:16:07.040 --> 0:16:10.040 Hey, lal h, thank you for your kind of words. 0:16:10.120 --> 0:16:12.880 Zid anything else you want to say to the people 0:16:12.920 --> 0:16:14.120 of the computer before we go. 0:16:16.200 --> 0:16:21.800 No, you know, live your life. Be you. Like I said, 0:16:21.800 --> 0:16:25.400 you only get one life, so it's true. Uh, do 0:16:25.480 --> 0:16:28.720 what you can to make sure it is the best 0:16:28.760 --> 0:16:29.360 one for you. 0:16:30.920 --> 0:16:40.600 Hey, take care Josh, you too. I liked I liked him. 0:16:41.200 --> 0:16:43.520 I liked him he was nice. I didn't just like 0:16:43.600 --> 0:16:47.280 him because he was nice to me. Sometimes I like 0:16:47.320 --> 0:16:51.040 people when they're when they're mean to me, So you know, 0:16:51.120 --> 0:16:53.880 you can't make me like you just by being nice. 0:16:54.200 --> 0:17:00.360 I liked him because, well, because he was nice and 0:17:02.040 --> 0:17:06.280 I felt just I kind of felt him because that's 0:17:06.320 --> 0:17:10.320 a tough thing with the with the money, and I 0:17:10.359 --> 0:17:12.320 don't I was gonna say something about how it's a 0:17:12.359 --> 0:17:17.159 failure of the system, but I'm I don't like talking 0:17:17.160 --> 0:17:23.119 about social economics stuff because I'm stupid and I have 0:17:23.119 --> 0:17:28.400 no idea what I'm talking about. But he's really doing 0:17:28.440 --> 0:17:29.840 the best he can. I could tell he. 0:17:31.560 --> 0:17:31.679 Is. 0:17:31.880 --> 0:17:35.200 I could tell he was like he's down to go 0:17:35.640 --> 0:17:39.760 the fucking warrior mode of like, I believe in what 0:17:39.800 --> 0:17:42.000 I'm doing so much that I don't care about getting 0:17:42.680 --> 0:17:47.720 pissed on by high school kids. But he just can't 0:17:47.960 --> 0:17:50.919 because they're not paying him enough to to do it, 0:17:51.280 --> 0:17:54.399 and it's a bummer. But again, I meant what I 0:17:54.480 --> 0:17:58.960 said when I was like, I wouldn't do this. Most 0:17:58.960 --> 0:18:00.840 of the people who are stending to this right now 0:18:00.920 --> 0:18:03.280 wouldn't do it. So the fact that he did it 0:18:03.320 --> 0:18:06.720 for any amount of time is something to be proud of. 0:18:09.320 --> 0:18:12.520 And I hope he finds a good balance where he's 0:18:12.520 --> 0:18:18.000 not fucking killing himself just to serve this cause, but 0:18:18.440 --> 0:18:24.119 feels as though he's doing a thing that is, like 0:18:24.200 --> 0:18:31.120 he was saying, worthy of his short amount of time 0:18:31.200 --> 0:18:35.720 on the earth. I let's take a call. Hell, Hi, 0:18:35.760 --> 0:18:37.320 who is this? 0:18:37.320 --> 0:18:38.040 This is Chloe? 0:18:38.640 --> 0:18:40.480 Hi? Chloe has gone going good? 0:18:40.800 --> 0:18:41.400 How about you? 0:18:43.320 --> 0:18:49.000 I am, I'm feeling pretty good. Actually, I'm I'm I'm 0:18:49.400 --> 0:18:52.560 I'm on a I'm on a spiritual journey, Chloe. I'm 0:18:52.600 --> 0:18:59.520 trying to protect my peace more. I'm trying to work 0:18:59.560 --> 0:19:04.600 as a little as I possibly can, take more deep breaths, 0:19:05.960 --> 0:19:12.960 and I do not eat thirty pieces of candy in 0:19:13.000 --> 0:19:15.400 one day. It's going all right. 0:19:15.960 --> 0:19:18.000 You know those are good goals. It sounds like you're 0:19:18.000 --> 0:19:19.320 crafting mindfulness a bit. 0:19:20.320 --> 0:19:23.480 I'm trying. I mean, I get up on this fucking 0:19:23.520 --> 0:19:27.440 podcast and everyone's asking me about what to do in 0:19:27.560 --> 0:19:30.280 their lives, and I hope they know that I have 0:19:30.440 --> 0:19:34.480 absolutely no idea. I don't know. 0:19:34.480 --> 0:19:36.040 I don't know what to do with my own hearing 0:19:36.040 --> 0:19:36.840 advice and my get go. 0:19:40.240 --> 0:19:41.720 What's going on with you, Chloe? 0:19:43.880 --> 0:19:48.080 Oh not much. I'm chilling in bed right now talking 0:19:48.119 --> 0:19:48.240 to you. 0:19:49.960 --> 0:19:52.280 Why what did what did you do? Today? 0:19:55.000 --> 0:20:00.120 Let's see, I went to the gym, had a crazy 0:20:00.000 --> 0:20:06.560 sessions and got back and just had to meet myself an. 0:20:06.400 --> 0:20:13.280 I day and I had a therapy session and I 0:20:13.440 --> 0:20:16.840 just chilled and I watched you and here I am. 0:20:16.880 --> 0:20:23.639 Now, how do you feel right now? Do you feel therapized? 0:20:27.480 --> 0:20:31.120 I feel relaxed, but that's probably because I am good. 0:20:32.520 --> 0:20:36.560 Mm hmm, well listen, uh, you did tell the call 0:20:36.640 --> 0:20:40.480 screen or something and I got you told the call 0:20:40.560 --> 0:20:43.680 screen or that your mom wishes that you were gay. 0:20:46.160 --> 0:20:49.520 Yeah, she kind of wished that ever since I was 0:20:49.880 --> 0:20:51.520 in high school. 0:20:51.920 --> 0:20:54.880 What your what your mom? Ever since? Ever since she 0:20:55.000 --> 0:20:57.600 was in high school, she wished that you were gay, Like, 0:20:57.680 --> 0:20:59.159 ever since she was in high school, she wish she 0:20:59.160 --> 0:20:59.880 had a gay daughter. 0:21:01.440 --> 0:21:04.440 No, no, ever since I was in high school. Basically, 0:21:04.560 --> 0:21:09.440 I think there's a few reasons for it, but I 0:21:09.640 --> 0:21:13.280 believe in love at first sight, and I only experienced 0:21:13.280 --> 0:21:15.639 that once in my life. It was when I was 0:21:15.680 --> 0:21:20.280 in high school, and it was with a girl. Nothing 0:21:20.320 --> 0:21:24.199 ever came of it, but I think that's when she 0:21:24.400 --> 0:21:30.000 started really pushing for me to be gay. And I 0:21:30.240 --> 0:21:32.760 don't know ever since, with any time that I've had 0:21:33.240 --> 0:21:36.720 a partner, they've all been men. It's like they lose 0:21:36.760 --> 0:21:39.320 brownie points for not being a woman. 0:21:41.760 --> 0:21:43.480 Man. Your poor mother. 0:21:48.240 --> 0:21:52.280 I mean, I think her part is in the right place. 0:21:52.520 --> 0:21:56.600 It's just for for me, it's a little bit. It 0:21:56.680 --> 0:21:59.400 caused me to question things because she hasn't really ever 0:21:59.440 --> 0:22:03.800 steered me wrong and and parents don't know everything that 0:22:04.280 --> 0:22:07.080 She's been pretty dan right a lot of the time 0:22:08.080 --> 0:22:10.680 and interesting. Sometimes I'm like, should. 0:22:10.359 --> 0:22:14.600 I be mm hmm Okay, So your mother has uh, 0:22:14.920 --> 0:22:17.119 you know, given you advice and direction in life that 0:22:17.160 --> 0:22:20.720 has been very beneficial to you, and so part of 0:22:20.760 --> 0:22:23.399 you is wondering if if maybe she's right and you 0:22:23.440 --> 0:22:26.280 should be gay. 0:22:26.400 --> 0:22:31.679 Yeah, I mean, I'm bye h. But I've never really 0:22:32.040 --> 0:22:33.080 explored her relationship. 0:22:33.280 --> 0:22:40.280 Wait your your your bye. Yeah, that's a really good compromise. 0:22:40.680 --> 0:22:41.720 She has to admit. 0:22:44.359 --> 0:22:47.000 Yeah, you know, well, I think her argument is that 0:22:47.680 --> 0:22:52.119 since I've never explored it, that I should. 0:22:53.119 --> 0:23:01.120 Okay, your your mom's your her mom said to you 0:23:01.160 --> 0:23:06.680 that you should explore sexually with other Like, Okay, Here's 0:23:06.720 --> 0:23:08.200 what I wanted to ask when you said your mom 0:23:08.240 --> 0:23:10.080 has pushed you to be gay? What does that actually 0:23:10.119 --> 0:23:11.280 look like? What does that mean? 0:23:13.480 --> 0:23:18.200 It means that? Okay, So when it started in high school, 0:23:18.200 --> 0:23:20.480 it was very subtle. It was always like, you know, 0:23:20.560 --> 0:23:23.600 I'd be okay with it if you want to date 0:23:23.640 --> 0:23:26.760 a girl, or she would try to elude that my 0:23:27.000 --> 0:23:29.119 girl friend. 0:23:29.880 --> 0:23:30.240 Yeah. 0:23:30.240 --> 0:23:33.159 But in adulthood it's been more like, you know, you 0:23:33.880 --> 0:23:38.080 try to date a woman, don't don't go with that guy. 0:23:38.200 --> 0:23:43.920 Go need a girl first. When I'm in a relationship, 0:23:43.960 --> 0:23:48.480 a committed one, she always just kind of hyes, And 0:23:49.040 --> 0:23:53.080 I just know what she's dying at. I know what 0:23:53.119 --> 0:23:56.080 she wishes, she wishes, but I was an independent woman 0:23:56.240 --> 0:23:59.000 living in a wife with a girlfriend, with maybe two 0:23:59.080 --> 0:24:02.040 cats in a high ride. That's what she wishes. 0:24:02.560 --> 0:24:05.879 Here's what I think. Here's what I think. Obviously, we 0:24:05.960 --> 0:24:10.680 all know you cannot choose your sexuality. And I think 0:24:10.800 --> 0:24:14.640 your mom, I think your mom is. I think your 0:24:14.680 --> 0:24:15.920 mom wishes she was gay. 0:24:18.560 --> 0:24:21.880 You know it could be, but she's married to a man. 0:24:22.440 --> 0:24:25.600 She's been through I think she's had terrible experiences with men. 0:24:25.920 --> 0:24:31.000 She wishes that she was gay, but and so because 0:24:31.040 --> 0:24:33.920 but because she can't just be gay, she I guess, 0:24:33.960 --> 0:24:36.680 wants you to be gay so she can live vicariously 0:24:36.720 --> 0:24:37.160 through you. 0:24:41.200 --> 0:24:43.800 I mean, it's so strange though, because I have a 0:24:43.880 --> 0:24:49.399 trans brother and before he was trans. He was dating 0:24:49.400 --> 0:24:54.680 a girl for school, so it's like she could live 0:24:54.760 --> 0:24:59.199 vicarious him, but she wants to do it through me. 0:25:01.800 --> 0:25:09.560 Wait, so your brother is trans and I guess before 0:25:09.640 --> 0:25:18.919 they transitioned they were presenting as female yeah, and dating 0:25:18.960 --> 0:25:26.399 a woman yes, and then transitioned into a straight man. 0:25:28.720 --> 0:25:29.000 Yes. 0:25:29.320 --> 0:25:35.399 And your poor fucking mother she almost had. 0:25:37.000 --> 0:25:40.440 Her dream almost almost. 0:25:42.720 --> 0:25:43.000 Wow. 0:25:43.200 --> 0:25:47.120 Yeah, it's a it's a strange family. My mom's students, 0:25:47.359 --> 0:25:50.240 My brother is Wickan, and my sister is Jewish. 0:25:50.920 --> 0:25:52.760 Your brother is Wickan? What does that mean? 0:25:55.400 --> 0:26:01.920 It's a vein off of paganism. I belief that's sick. Yeah, 0:26:01.960 --> 0:26:04.159 it's pretty cool anytime that I go to him and 0:26:04.200 --> 0:26:10.080 his wife, But they do rituals. I'm not like candles. 0:26:10.840 --> 0:26:13.840 I think there's something to do with gods and goddesses. 0:26:14.359 --> 0:26:15.040 It's interesting. 0:26:16.280 --> 0:26:20.960 Mm hmmm hmm. I So let me ask you this 0:26:21.000 --> 0:26:26.880 in seriousness. Do you have a good relationship with your mom? 0:26:26.960 --> 0:26:29.840 Yeah? I definitely do. I went to go with her 0:26:30.520 --> 0:26:34.200 in Wales for three months last year and it helps 0:26:34.240 --> 0:26:34.800 me so much. 0:26:36.119 --> 0:26:37.239 Mm hmmm mm hm. 0:26:40.640 --> 0:26:42.920