Speaker 1: Welcome back everyone to another episode of Stories with My Man.
Speaker 1: Donnie has always Donnie love you man. How are you
Speaker 1: doing today? Doing well? Man? Good to see her face,
Speaker 1: Black wise man super excited about our guests today. Somebody
Speaker 1: you guys may know very well. One of the greatest
Speaker 1: pictures that I've seen watching baseball since I was a kid.
Speaker 1: Six time All Star World Series Champion, Cy Young Award winner,
Speaker 1: ALCS MVP one wins, leader in MLB twice over two
Speaker 1: hundred and fifty wins. Please welcome the great CC Sabathia
Speaker 1: to the show. CC welcome, man. Appreciate y'all. What's going on, fellas?
Speaker 1: Not too much man, blessed, blessed to have you here.
Speaker 1: So I just want to dive right into your story. Man.
Speaker 1: We love to start was with what was it like
Speaker 1: growing up for you know, you from the Bay Man,
Speaker 1: So tell us what it was like. Yeah, now, growing
Speaker 1: up I grew up in in val California. Grew up
Speaker 1: in a Bay Area big Raiders fan, big like Bay
Speaker 1: Area sports fan period. You know, I grew up at
Speaker 1: AI's fan Raiders Warriors at the time. But where I
Speaker 1: grew up in Valel was a big baseball town. Like,
Speaker 1: you know, it's the Inner City, it's the hood. But
Speaker 1: like everybody where I grew up played baseball. I love baseball.
Speaker 1: All our dads were baseball coaches and you know, involved
Speaker 1: in the little leagues and around, and it just made
Speaker 1: me fall in love with the game. We played other sports.
Speaker 1: I played football, I played basketball, played soccer growing up,
Speaker 1: but baseball was just always my love. I just always
Speaker 1: felt good playing it. Always, like felt like I had
Speaker 1: a high baseball IQ. Like I knew where to throw
Speaker 1: the ball to, which bases and the situations and stuff
Speaker 1: like that. So it just was always came natural to me,
Speaker 1: and there was something I always loved to do. We
Speaker 1: love to ask because we've looked back into our lives
Speaker 1: and seen instances and events from our childhood that have
Speaker 1: shaped our perspectives and how we thought about life going forward.
Speaker 1: Were there any instances that were may be painful or
Speaker 1: shocking to you, or things that may have altered your
Speaker 1: mindset going forward as a child that you had to overcome. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean I think it's you know, obviously, growing up
Speaker 1: in inner City, there's always a lot of different challenges. Um,
Speaker 1: you know, my parents were young when they had me,
Speaker 1: trying to figure things out. So I spent a lot
Speaker 1: of time with my grandparents house. Um. You know, I
Speaker 1: went to school, Um, in my elementary school, I went
Speaker 1: to school from my grandparents' house. UM. So I did
Speaker 1: a lot of things over there. UM, spent the night there,
Speaker 1: a lot of nights and different things. But you know,
Speaker 1: for me, I had, um, you know, two uncles that
Speaker 1: lived in that house that were on drugs and from
Speaker 1: a young age, you know, UM, I could see you know,
Speaker 1: the different things them coming in and out of the
Speaker 1: house at night. UM, different you know, scenarios and situations
Speaker 1: that I probably shouldn't have been in as a young kid.
Speaker 1: That kind of you know, shaped and hardened me. And
Speaker 1: but it but it really, honestly, like being up up
Speaker 1: close and personally to to that at such a young age,
Speaker 1: you know, made me made me understand that I didn't
Speaker 1: want to do that, you know what I'm saying. Like,
Speaker 1: I feel like every time I had, you know, these
Speaker 1: these situations put in front of me as a young child,
Speaker 1: whether it was the drugs or you know, different things
Speaker 1: with gang members and stuff like that. UM, I was
Speaker 1: always able to see the other side of the and
Speaker 1: be like, nah, I don't want to be in that life.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Like, I don't want to
Speaker 1: be in jail, I don't want to be in the streets.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be in a noose type of situations.
Speaker 1: So let me just stay over here with my little
Speaker 1: friend group and stick to my sports. So I was
Speaker 1: always able to see, I guess, a better way. If
Speaker 1: that makes sense. No, it makes a ton of sense.
Speaker 1: And I feel like in order to keep that perspective
Speaker 1: of seeing further down the road, having a greater vision
Speaker 1: for your life, there had to have been people pretty
Speaker 1: early on that we're helping you and guide you in
Speaker 1: that direction. To who are some of the people that
Speaker 1: you would consider like your teachers or your mentors that
Speaker 1: really impacted you in a positive way. Yeah, it was.
Speaker 1: I mean my dad obviously, um, you know, being a
Speaker 1: baseball coach, um, and and and putting the glove you
Speaker 1: know in my career, I guess, and you know, really
Speaker 1: you know, putting the love of sports um in me.
Speaker 1: My grandmother um for sure. Um. You know, she was
Speaker 1: always a huge advocate of mine. And you know, just
Speaker 1: anything that I did, whether you know, school sports, whatever,
Speaker 1: she was always you know there and super supportive of me.
Speaker 1: Um and my high school baseball coach. I think if
Speaker 1: I hadn't had a chance to meet him Abe Hobs
Speaker 1: when I was fourteen years old, I think my life
Speaker 1: would be a lot different. Um. You know, he was
Speaker 1: the one that that really taught me about what it
Speaker 1: was to be a professional. Um, you know what I
Speaker 1: had to look forward to, you know after high school.
Speaker 1: UM and just kind of really shaped me and moded
Speaker 1: me into being a man. I have to say one
Speaker 1: more person, uh, the director by Boys and Coach Club,
Speaker 1: mister Fillmore Graham. He uh, he took a huge interest
Speaker 1: in liking it to me when I was a young kid.
Speaker 1: Went to the Boys and Girls Club from the time
Speaker 1: time I was I think five until I was fifteen.
Speaker 1: So for ten years, every day after school I went
Speaker 1: to the Boys and Girls Club until I started playing
Speaker 1: high school sports. UM, and I was there every day
Speaker 1: with mister Graham and he maybe he was the impact
Speaker 1: on my life. I really love that man, because it
Speaker 1: really does take a village to get to where we
Speaker 1: want to go. But at the same time, I feel like,
Speaker 1: you know, with the way that you were ultimately thrust
Speaker 1: into the majors I feel like you were one of
Speaker 1: the youngest players in the majors when you first got there, Like,
Speaker 1: what was it like trying to cope with such pressure
Speaker 1: and uh, you know, success so early on in your life, Like,
Speaker 1: what was it like going through that? Yeah, it was,
Speaker 1: it was, it was. It was weird to be honest
Speaker 1: to being the youngest guy in the big leagues at
Speaker 1: the time. Um, you know, I was. I was twenty
Speaker 1: when I got called up. Twenty six years old at
Speaker 1: the time felt super old to me, being twenty years old,
Speaker 1: you know. Um, so it was. It was. It was
Speaker 1: really tough dealing with that. And I think for me,
Speaker 1: the that's when the drinking really started for me was
Speaker 1: my earlier in my career, my first couple of years. Um,
Speaker 1: I was, I was too young a getting the club, honestly,
Speaker 1: So like if I got snuck into the club, guys
Speaker 1: would just like stink me drinks to the bathroom and
Speaker 1: I would suck down like six or seven long eyelid
Speaker 1: in the bathroom stall, and that's how I got Like,
Speaker 1: that's that's how I would have to drink because I
Speaker 1: couldn't carry a drink around the club, so I just
Speaker 1: that's how I really started my binge drinking and the
Speaker 1: alcohol dependency really took a turn. I think when I
Speaker 1: became professional in my early part of my career. CEC
Speaker 1: a great to connect with you, man, It's an honor
Speaker 1: to have you on the show. I'm a next baseball guy.
Speaker 1: Definitely didn't make it near near as far as you did,
Speaker 1: but I was. It's interesting. I was just h with
Speaker 1: Mike Hampton a couple of days ago and just talking
Speaker 1: to him and saying, man, you gave it such a
Speaker 1: solid run. You know, to be able to pitch for
Speaker 1: that long, and for you and for him to to
Speaker 1: just carve hitters up for that long, it's so rare,
Speaker 1: and it's it's really cool to have you on here
Speaker 1: in the timing and the synchrony cities. Just to give
Speaker 1: our listeners some context, Darren and I are virtual. Um.
Speaker 1: Some big changes have happened in the last couple of days,
Speaker 1: and I know we were I've been trying to get
Speaker 1: you on for a little bit. And at the time,
Speaker 1: you mean a Raiders fan, Darren was playing the Raiders.
Speaker 1: It's just not the case anymore. You're sitting here wearing
Speaker 1: a Yankee shirt and Darren's now going to be playing
Speaker 1: in New York. So it's uh, everything is in perfect
Speaker 1: timing right absolutely, And you know, Darren's a Georgia Tech guy.
Speaker 1: I have a freshman, My oldest son is a freshman
Speaker 1: at Georgia Tech right now. So he's playing baseball at
Speaker 1: Tech and enjoying, uh, Downtown, I'm never gonna get this
Speaker 1: kid to move back, bro. Like he loves downtown Atlanta.
Speaker 1: He loves the campus. Whether it's over, He's never coming home.
Speaker 1: Believe you see, I've heard you say before how and
Speaker 1: I love that you say. You say this, This line
Speaker 1: of the end of the story doesn't mean anything if
Speaker 1: you don't know everything that came before that. I mean,
Speaker 1: our podcast is called comeback Story. That's why we start
Speaker 1: off all of our podcasts asking tell us what it
Speaker 1: was like growing up. And I'm I'm familiar with your
Speaker 1: story in your background and even going back, if we
Speaker 1: could sit childhood a little bit longer and just talk
Speaker 1: about well first, just talk about the grapefruit tree, because
Speaker 1: I think that's really significant. Yeah. No, so, uh, and
Speaker 1: my grandmother's backyard we had like we had everything. Like
Speaker 1: my grandparents came from Mississippi. They migrated to California. So
Speaker 1: in our backyard, it was a full farm. Basically, we
Speaker 1: had chickens, we had, I mean everything, We had our
Speaker 1: own produce. We had our own plum tree, lemon tree,
Speaker 1: all these different trees. And right the right by the
Speaker 1: back door was this huge grapefruit tree. The first thing
Speaker 1: you've seen when you came out our backyard was this
Speaker 1: huge grapefruit tree and it and it kind of covered
Speaker 1: the front part of the backyard, and it would be
Speaker 1: grape fruits that would fall down off the tree all
Speaker 1: the time, and I would grab the ones that fell
Speaker 1: down and get a folding chair and put it probably
Speaker 1: like it'll probably be like forty feet at the time,
Speaker 1: and I would pick him up and throw the grape
Speaker 1: fruits through the back of the folding chair. And that's
Speaker 1: really how I started like pitching and throwing, was those
Speaker 1: grape fruits and my grandmother's back. And then I know
Speaker 1: your parents divorced at twelve, and I remember you saying
Speaker 1: how your dad was never too tired to to play catch,
Speaker 1: but at some point during the divorce, your dad then
Speaker 1: was out of the picture. Correct. So yeah, so my
Speaker 1: parents divorced when I was twelve years old and I
Speaker 1: went from having my dad pretty much every day around
Speaker 1: to play catch, to hit ground balls, to go shoot
Speaker 1: jumpers with too. Now you know, I'm not seeing him
Speaker 1: as much, and uh, you know, he was dealing with
Speaker 1: his own, um you know, drug dependency problems at the time,
Speaker 1: and I had no idea, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: So you know, um, I had no idea what he
Speaker 1: was going through. The one thing that I feel like
Speaker 1: my mom did, which was huge that me and my
Speaker 1: father's relationship together, was she never bad mouthed him. She never,
Speaker 1: you know, once if he was you know, coming to
Speaker 1: pick me up for the weekend and couldn't couldn't make
Speaker 1: it or whatever, she never ever once you know, made
Speaker 1: a bad comment about him. And that made me never
Speaker 1: have ill will towards him. So whenever, you know, he
Speaker 1: got clean and I you know, I got drafted, you know,
Speaker 1: in nineteen ninety eight, I was seventeen. Um, that's kind
Speaker 1: of when we reconnected. Um it was I have to
Speaker 1: give my mom a lot of credit for that because
Speaker 1: I had no animosity towards him, because she never had
Speaker 1: said a bad word about him. She would always just say,
Speaker 1: you know, he's trying, he's got different things going on,
Speaker 1: give him a break. And I'm thankful that she was
Speaker 1: that way because it allowed me and my father to
Speaker 1: have a relationship, you know, the five years after I
Speaker 1: got drafted until he passed away. Yeah, that is such
Speaker 1: an important lesson if you're a listener and you're going
Speaker 1: through a divorce or walking through a relationships. As a coach,
Speaker 1: I have coaching clients that will often be going through
Speaker 1: a change like that, And I'm so I'm so grateful
Speaker 1: for my parents because they did the same thing. They
Speaker 1: made the best out of what could have been a
Speaker 1: bad situation and no one was talking bad about each other.
Speaker 1: Where you know, you'll get a lot of that projection
Speaker 1: and confusing as a child. So the fact that your
Speaker 1: mom did that is so so huge. Yeah, it is.
Speaker 1: And and it allowed me to have a relationship with
Speaker 1: my dad. It allowed me to forgive him on my
Speaker 1: own terms, you know, and not have their mess get
Speaker 1: in the way of our relationship. You know. So I'm
Speaker 1: very thankful for her that, you know, I was that
Speaker 1: she was able to do that for me, and I
Speaker 1: was able to reconnect with him because you know, after
Speaker 1: I got drafted, Um, you know, me and him became
Speaker 1: you know, thickest thieves. Again, we were tight. He was
Speaker 1: coming out all the time. My first two years in
Speaker 1: the big leagues. He lived with me in Amber, you know,
Speaker 1: the whole summer, so um, you know, we had a
Speaker 1: chance to really reconnect and m kind of get back
Speaker 1: to where we were when I was a child. Knowing that,
Speaker 1: knowing your story, worry about that. I'm just thinking about
Speaker 1: how much that helped you have your own perception of
Speaker 1: your dad, where your mom wasn't like projecting things on,
Speaker 1: so you had this belief because I've heard you say like, yeah,
Speaker 1: my dad was, my dad was in rehab my dad was,
Speaker 1: my dad had to HIV and I never you know,
Speaker 1: maybe he wasn't there, but I never saw him for that.
Speaker 1: I was just happy to have a dad around. Where
Speaker 1: if your mom was in there chiming in, I think
Speaker 1: you might have a different attitude in relationship with him. Yeah. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: And even with the you know, with the with the
Speaker 1: drug use. You know, she never really made that clear
Speaker 1: to me either. So the first time I went to
Speaker 1: go see my dad in the rehab acility, I had
Speaker 1: no idea it was a rehab acility. Me and Amber
Speaker 1: walk out of the rehab place, and my dad couldn't
Speaker 1: leave the door, and he was like, I just I
Speaker 1: could just walk you out to the door. And then
Speaker 1: I got to turn around and we walk out. I
Speaker 1: hadn't thought nothing of it. And me and Amber get
Speaker 1: to the car and Amber goes, how long has your
Speaker 1: dad been a rehab I'm like, what are you talking about? Rehab?
Speaker 1: She was like, Cze, that's a rehab facility. We just
Speaker 1: left right there. So, like I was oblivious to all
Speaker 1: of it, you know what I'm saying, Like I had
Speaker 1: no clue of what was going on. And but for
Speaker 1: the better to be honest, because I think if had
Speaker 1: I've been worried about any of that stuff, or had
Speaker 1: had any of that ill will in my heart, maybe
Speaker 1: I don't have a chance to get to the big
Speaker 1: leagues at nineteen twenty years old and have all the
Speaker 1: success and have all these different things going on if
Speaker 1: I'm you know, consciously worried about and thinking about what
Speaker 1: my dad has going on. Yeah, I mean I could
Speaker 1: see all that. How much of that could be a
Speaker 1: weight as you try to elevate, you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: Like the struggles I had early in my career where
Speaker 1: I wasn't performing the way that I would have liked to.
Speaker 1: It was the mental weights. There was nothing really physically
Speaker 1: that was holding me back. You know. I feel like
Speaker 1: I had the gifts and I was, you know, progressing
Speaker 1: in that way, but it was all the mental and
Speaker 1: emotional and the spiritual things that were just having me
Speaker 1: feeling chained up. Man. And it's, uh, you know, such
Speaker 1: a really good perspective. Staying on your dad. I reading
Speaker 1: your Players Tribune essay. You said something about and it
Speaker 1: kind of touches on mental health and me and Donnie
Speaker 1: are always on that. And you talked about how the
Speaker 1: day you made your first All Star team, your dad
Speaker 1: was pronounced with six months to live. I believe it
Speaker 1: was six weeks to live six week cancer. Yeah, yes,
Speaker 1: six weeks to live. And you talked about how I
Speaker 1: can't think good things will happen without something bad going
Speaker 1: alongside with it, and it's hard to have faith in
Speaker 1: the good things lasting. Like, what was it like dealing
Speaker 1: with that and trying to grow out of that mindset?
Speaker 1: You know what? I still deal with that. I still
Speaker 1: have to let myself be happy in the moment, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, and not think something's coming on
Speaker 1: the other side, you know, whether it's I mean just
Speaker 1: small things, you know what I'm saying, whether it's like
Speaker 1: you know, watching my son hit a home run, then
Speaker 1: I'm always thinking about the flip side, or like you know,
Speaker 1: I'm always thinking, you know, just because that's been that's
Speaker 1: been my experience. Every time something good happens in my life,
Speaker 1: there's something that's that's probably bad, that's coming around the corner.
Speaker 1: Um And and that that story that you just said
Speaker 1: was the perfect example. Um you know, two thousand and three.
Speaker 1: Um Amber gets pregnant in January two thousand and three.
Speaker 1: Um So we're having our first kid. This is my
Speaker 1: third year in the league. My dad is living with
Speaker 1: us at the time. UM So I'm having a great
Speaker 1: first half. My dad goes back to California in May
Speaker 1: to get checked up, just to have like a checkup.
Speaker 1: My dad had had got diagnosed with HIV in nineteen
Speaker 1: ninety nine, so he was going back just to have
Speaker 1: a checkup. Um he hadn't been feeling that well. Um
Speaker 1: So he was going for like two months from June
Speaker 1: and July. UM So I'm pitching great, I get a
Speaker 1: I get the Sunday before the All Star Game, I
Speaker 1: get called into the office, the manager's office, Eric Wedge,
Speaker 1: and he's like, you know, hey, um, you've been having
Speaker 1: a great year. You know, this is this is I'm
Speaker 1: excited to tell you that you're going to the All
Speaker 1: Star Game. This is the first of many you know,
Speaker 1: blah blah blah whatever. You know, all the stories. So
Speaker 1: we're all excited everything. And as literally as I'm walking
Speaker 1: out of his office, my cell phone rings, like this
Speaker 1: is back in the day too, like you had the
Speaker 1: old Nokia flip cell phones, Like my cell phone rings
Speaker 1: and this is my mom. And she was like, hey,
Speaker 1: did you hear the news? And I'm like, yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: going to the All Star Game. Can't wait. We're going
Speaker 1: to Chicago, Like this is gonna be so much fun.
Speaker 1: And she was like, no, your dad's in the hospital
Speaker 1: and they're giving him six weeks to live, like his
Speaker 1: cancers progressed, and I think you may need to come home.
Speaker 1: So I'm like damn, Like this is like I'm literally
Speaker 1: walking back to my I'm walking back I hadn't even
Speaker 1: told Ambryet, Like I'm walking back to my locker to process,
Speaker 1: like I just made the All Star Team and then
Speaker 1: my mom telling me my dad has six weeks, had
Speaker 1: six weeks to live. So we ended up me and
Speaker 1: Amber flying back to California. I get back to California,
Speaker 1: I get into the hospital room that is, and he's like,
Speaker 1: what are you doing here? He's like, you just made
Speaker 1: the All Star Game. Me and him watch the home
Speaker 1: run derby together and he just begged me to go
Speaker 1: to Chicago to play in the game. So I got
Speaker 1: on the first thing. I got on the first thing,
Speaker 1: smoking the next morning, made it to Chicago like during
Speaker 1: BP time and the day of the All Star Game,
Speaker 1: and didn't get the pitch. But that was my first
Speaker 1: All Star Game experience. You know, as you go on
Speaker 1: from there in your career. Talked about the times that
Speaker 1: build up to October twenty fifteen where he talked about
Speaker 1: you're drinking and how you were, you know, in the
Speaker 1: in the bathroom as a young dude, like can you
Speaker 1: take us through progressing through drinking? And then you know
Speaker 1: how you know how the story goes for alcoholics. It's
Speaker 1: like it eventually it turns on you. You know, it
Speaker 1: eases your anxiety for a bit, but then after a while,
Speaker 1: you know the literature talks about you, there's a time
Speaker 1: where you can't imagine life with or without alcohol, and
Speaker 1: it's just like this place of you know, like demoralization.
Speaker 1: Can you tell us what it was like building up
Speaker 1: to that time in October when you were in that
Speaker 1: hotel room in Baltimore. Yeah, I mean, I mean, but
Speaker 1: you know, going like like like Donnie said, you know,
Speaker 1: they can't tell the end of the story without telling
Speaker 1: the whole story. I think I knew that I was
Speaker 1: an alcoholic at fourteen years old. I knew the very
Speaker 1: first time I drank that this was not gonna be
Speaker 1: good for me. The first time I ever drank, I
Speaker 1: was fourteen, and it was about three months after my
Speaker 1: grandfather had passed away, and me and my cousin was
Speaker 1: just at his house, was sleeping over. I was sleeping
Speaker 1: over at his house and he had a pint of
Speaker 1: Bumpy Face m Gin Secrets Gin and I took a
Speaker 1: sip of it, and I was like, you know, this nasty,
Speaker 1: But then I liked the way it made me feel.
Speaker 1: So then I just like I like my bench drinking.
Speaker 1: I just I just guzzled it, like I took like
Speaker 1: four big guzzles of it, and I was like, drunk
Speaker 1: is drunk is could be? And I knew that this
Speaker 1: is gonna be I knew it was gonna be a problem.
Speaker 1: And I always I didn't necessarily so much like to
Speaker 1: like the taste of alcohol, but I like being drunk,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, Like because I'm I feel
Speaker 1: like I'm a shy guy. I don't talk a lot.
Speaker 1: And when I was younger, it was even worse. And
Speaker 1: then the more I drank, the more I feel like
Speaker 1: my personality would show up. And you know, I feel
Speaker 1: like I was more social when I was drinking. So
Speaker 1: I knew that this was eventually gonna be a problem.
Speaker 1: But but it started day one, fourteen. And then you know,
Speaker 1: I drank all the way through high school, minor leagues,
Speaker 1: and like I said, you know, being the youngest in
Speaker 1: the big leagues, you know, you end up being in
Speaker 1: the bathroom stall sucking down four or five, you know,
Speaker 1: six drinks at a time. Um, you know, it got
Speaker 1: to a point where, you know, the year I won
Speaker 1: to sig Young two thousand and seven, before every single start,
Speaker 1: I would go to a liquor store and buy two
Speaker 1: bottles of Christall. I was drinking champagne back then, And
Speaker 1: it was always a reason to drink, like I can
Speaker 1: drink because I pitched great, celebrating because we won. And
Speaker 1: then if if I didn't pitch good, I was pissed off.
Speaker 1: So I definitely need drink this, you know what I mean. Like,
Speaker 1: So it was always it was always a drink in
Speaker 1: my hand. It was always a cycle. Any clubhouse I
Speaker 1: went to, they already knew to have my crown and
Speaker 1: Coke in my locker right after the game. Like as
Speaker 1: soon as I'm coming out of the game, the first
Speaker 1: thing I'm drinking, not gatorade, not water, not nothing, it
Speaker 1: would be Crowning Coke. And that was in every ballpark,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So it wasn't a thing
Speaker 1: where you know I was. I was, you know, people
Speaker 1: didn't know that that I drank. I don't think people
Speaker 1: knew that I drank to the extent that I drank
Speaker 1: where you know, Um, there would be nights, um you
Speaker 1: know what, I would drink everything in a mini bar,
Speaker 1: like everything, the wine, the whiskey, to burn everything, every
Speaker 1: single thing. Um, I can't I can't count how many
Speaker 1: times I did that, just drinking literally everything that they
Speaker 1: had there, um because I thought that's what you was
Speaker 1: supposed to do, you know, the first time in the
Speaker 1: big leagues, being so young, I see a mini bar,
Speaker 1: I'm drinking it all, you know what I'm saying. So
Speaker 1: it was it was always a problem, and you know,
Speaker 1: leading up to two thousand and fifteen, well, two thousand
Speaker 1: and twelve, me and Amber go to marriage counseling because
Speaker 1: it just had got too much for her, and you know,
Speaker 1: for me, I wasn't ready to stop drinking yet. So
Speaker 1: I'm going to you know, counseling and doing these different things.
Speaker 1: And I started taking an abuse which is a pill
Speaker 1: that if you if you drink while you take this pill,
Speaker 1: you'll start throwing up like really bad, like really violently.
Speaker 1: So I could I could figure out, you know, if
Speaker 1: if I took this pill like on Monday, and Amber
Speaker 1: seeing me take it by the weekend when we would
Speaker 1: go on the road, if I hadn't taken it, then
Speaker 1: I can drink while we're on the road, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. So that's how from two thousand and
Speaker 1: twelve to two thousand and fifteen, that's what I was doing.
Speaker 1: Like I was at home being sober, but then when
Speaker 1: I was on the road, I was drinking all the time. Um.
Speaker 1: So get to two thousand and fifteen, Um, you know,
Speaker 1: UM kind of out of control, to be honest, you know,
Speaker 1: not really pitching that well. I'm trying to learn a
Speaker 1: new pitch. I'm trying to learn how to reinvent myself
Speaker 1: as a picture, learning the cutter. And you know, I
Speaker 1: had an incident where I'm in Atlanta, I'm out on
Speaker 1: the balcony smoking weed. They took a picture of me. Um.
Speaker 1: I had a big fight in Toronto where I was
Speaker 1: drunk and you know, made a big scene. And you know,
Speaker 1: after that, after that Toronto incident, I felt like I
Speaker 1: had kind of had enough. I knew that, you know,
Speaker 1: I needed to go to rehab. I just didn't know
Speaker 1: how I was gonna get to rehab. You know, I
Speaker 1: didn't know, um, you know, what type of decisions that
Speaker 1: I needed to make or anything like that. And you know,
Speaker 1: we get to that weekend in Baltimore and you know,
Speaker 1: we it's we had clinched on a Thursday, and we
Speaker 1: played Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and we got clinched on a Wednesday.
Speaker 1: We had Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday in Baltimore. It rained
Speaker 1: the first two days of that series, and I drank.
Speaker 1: I literally drank myself to sleep those whole days, Like
Speaker 1: the Thursday and Friday, I drank the whole time. I
Speaker 1: woke up on Saturday morning, I was supposed to throw
Speaker 1: a bullpen at the stadium, and I get there and
Speaker 1: I went right back to the back and started drinking again.
Speaker 1: So I told him, I was like, let me just
Speaker 1: throw my bullp in tomorrow. We got the last day
Speaker 1: of the season. I'll throw it again tomorrow. So I
Speaker 1: drank that whole day on Saturday, get to my room drinking.
Speaker 1: And then that next morning I woke up and I
Speaker 1: was supposed to throw the bullpen that day, but again
Speaker 1: I got to the stadium again, I was feeling a
Speaker 1: little hungover. That was my m O, Like, if I
Speaker 1: was feeling a little hungover the next morning, I would
Speaker 1: I would get back on whatever I was drinking. So
Speaker 1: I was feeling a little hungover. It got to the stadium,
Speaker 1: made myself a drink in one of the our mental
Speaker 1: conditioning coach, Chad Bowling, he caught me. He was like, bro,
Speaker 1: what are you doing you drinking at eight in the morning,
Speaker 1: and I just broke down crying because I hadn't stopped
Speaker 1: since that Wednesday night. And we went into Joe's office
Speaker 1: and I told him I needed help. He called Brian
Speaker 1: Cashman right away. And then the first two people I
Speaker 1: went to to tell was christ Young and Dylan Betances,
Speaker 1: two of my closest friends to this day. Um they
Speaker 1: were on the team at the time, and the first
Speaker 1: thing both of them said was, you know, you're making
Speaker 1: the right decision. This is gonna be tough right now,
Speaker 1: but you're making the right decision. And it gave me
Speaker 1: the courage to go and really go tell the team
Speaker 1: and leave. At that time, it was it was a
Speaker 1: tough decision, but I feel like if I didn't make
Speaker 1: that decision at that time, my life would be completely
Speaker 1: different right now. So I had heard you say that
Speaker 1: I need to do this, meaning I need to go
Speaker 1: to rehab and I need to make it public or
Speaker 1: I need to let people know why it was that
Speaker 1: so important And how did you have the courage to
Speaker 1: do that in New York City, the media capital of
Speaker 1: the world. Like man, it came, it came from dying
Speaker 1: and Chris Young to be honest, like I didn't have
Speaker 1: the courage. Like I mean, I was scared to death.
Speaker 1: I thought, you know, I thought my career was over. Um.
Speaker 1: You know, I didn't know how the Yankees were going
Speaker 1: to react. I didn't know how the fan base was
Speaker 1: to react. I mean, you talk about, you know, a
Speaker 1: fan base that can make or break you, and that's
Speaker 1: that's here in the bruk. So um, I really didn't
Speaker 1: honestly didn't know. What gave me the courage was Chris
Speaker 1: Young saying, you know, I know this is a tough
Speaker 1: decision right now, but this is gonna be the best
Speaker 1: thing that you can do for your life. And that's
Speaker 1: really what gave me the courage to do it. And really,
Speaker 1: all my teammates, all the guys I mean in the
Speaker 1: in the organization, the guys stepped up. They all have
Speaker 1: my back. M Brian Cashman had my back, Joe Girardi,
Speaker 1: everybody to a man in the organization really really supported me,
Speaker 1: and it made me feel like I was making the
Speaker 1: right decision. But I mean, I was scared to death
Speaker 1: at the time, and I had no idea if I
Speaker 1: what I was doing was the right thing. But you know,
Speaker 1: Big Poppy, when I wanted to rehab. He reached out Derek,
Speaker 1: you know, reached out Andy. All these different people reached
Speaker 1: out to me and made me, you know, feel like
Speaker 1: I was, you know, making the right decision. So um yeah,
Speaker 1: But but I can't sit here and say, hey, I
Speaker 1: had the courage to do this. It was it was
Speaker 1: really my friends and family and teammates, um that gave
Speaker 1: me the courage and for me to make it so public.
Speaker 1: I wanted to make it public because if I'm if
Speaker 1: I'm at a Raider's game or if I'm at a
Speaker 1: Giant's game and somebody see me walking with a beer,
Speaker 1: they can check me and be like, hey, I thought
Speaker 1: you went to rehab or you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: Like it's just another way for people to hold you accountable.
Speaker 1: And I want to be held accountable, especially with my drinking.
Speaker 1: Like I don't want to be sitting in the airport
Speaker 1: somebody see me with a drink and be like take
Speaker 1: a picture and be like, hey, I thought he was
Speaker 1: at real you know, I thought he went to rehab.
Speaker 1: I want somebody to be able to come up to
Speaker 1: me and confront me and be like, I thought you
Speaker 1: wasn't supposed to be drinking. So That's why I made
Speaker 1: it so public. That's such a huge shift from because
Speaker 1: I feel like as alcoholics, like we become such isolative people. Um.
Speaker 1: And that's something that I still try to get over,
Speaker 1: is um, you know, just no matter how good things
Speaker 1: are going, I still feel like I had to go
Speaker 1: hide or to be safe or be alone. And um,
Speaker 1: you know, I always had like certain behaviors that I
Speaker 1: was hiding. And you know, to get to a play
Speaker 1: that's the ideal place for an alcoholic to get to
Speaker 1: to really start to build a life again, is to
Speaker 1: have other people hold them accountable, invite community into the picture,
Speaker 1: and have real deep friendships and relationships with people to
Speaker 1: where they can check you. Because that's really what love is.
Speaker 1: You know, we get told like you know, essentially love
Speaker 1: is telling people what they want to hear. But no,
Speaker 1: it's like love is checking people and tell them what
Speaker 1: they need to hear because you know, what they may
Speaker 1: not necessarily want to hear is what could save their life.
Speaker 1: So anybody that's in that position of struggle, it's like
Speaker 1: it's not an easy thing to do to have people
Speaker 1: in and it's not always comfortable to have people in
Speaker 1: your business and knowing the intimate details of your life.
Speaker 1: But it's it's what's necessary for you to continue to
Speaker 1: build upon what you set and to you know, enjoy
Speaker 1: life of people, because that's what life is meant to
Speaker 1: be about. Now, I mean, that's one hundred percent right.
Speaker 1: And you said something like for people to check you,
Speaker 1: and I had, I had made myself uncheckable, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. Like I feel like the only person
Speaker 1: that could have really checked me was my dad, and
Speaker 1: my dad away, so there was nobody here to check
Speaker 1: me or anything, like who the fuck gonna check me?
Speaker 1: To do what? I'm paying for everything, Like any vacation
Speaker 1: we go on my family, anybody, we do anything, it's
Speaker 1: all on me. So who gonna who gonna check me?
Speaker 1: If I want to have a couple of drinks while
Speaker 1: we on vacation, I'm gonna have a couple of drinks,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So I had to I
Speaker 1: had to reconfigure the way I was thinking. And I
Speaker 1: have to be checkable, Like I have to be able
Speaker 1: to sit here and have my wife check me or
Speaker 1: my best friend or whoever else, Like you have to
Speaker 1: to to be that vulnerable, to be able to be checkable,
Speaker 1: and that was something that I wasn't for a long time.
Speaker 1: Like I said, from twenty fifteen, I was going to
Speaker 1: counseling with my wife just for her. It wasn't for me.
Speaker 1: It was like me faking stuff for her, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. So I had to I had to.
Speaker 1: I had to really open up and let her check me.
Speaker 1: She she can check me, you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: Like she runs it so um. You know, you have
Speaker 1: to have those people and be comfortable with those type
Speaker 1: of people, with those people, if you have those people
Speaker 1: in your life to be able to let them help
Speaker 1: you and love you. Like you said, I love this
Speaker 1: conversation so much. There's staying one more for another minute
Speaker 1: on that making it public, just for context for the listeners.
Speaker 1: You had said like it was the last day of
Speaker 1: the season. It was the last day of the regular season,
Speaker 1: but you guys were going to the playoffs, So I mean,
Speaker 1: I if I got the timing right, you guys were
Speaker 1: going to the playoffs, So you're checking yourself into rehab
Speaker 1: as your team's about to go make a World Series run.
Speaker 1: So it wasn't like the season's over and nobody's gonna
Speaker 1: know anything like and plus doing it in New York City.
Speaker 1: I mean, I think that's it's amazing. And I think
Speaker 1: in recovery and addiction they say selfishness and self centeredness
Speaker 1: is the core of our disease. And I love that
Speaker 1: you did it because you need to be held accountable.
Speaker 1: And that's why essentially I shared my story publicly, which
Speaker 1: actually was a selfish move, but it was selfish in
Speaker 1: a way where I like, I need that accountability. I
Speaker 1: want this to be part of my identity so that
Speaker 1: people can check me. So it creates like this massive
Speaker 1: layer of accountability where now it's like for for Darren
Speaker 1: and I and yourself, it's it's part of our identity
Speaker 1: and it makes it a lot easier about to slip up,
Speaker 1: you know, No, I mean, and and this is this
Speaker 1: is gonna sound crazy, but like you know, and like
Speaker 1: you said, being a recovering alcoholic, like you have to
Speaker 1: be selfish and think about yourself. It's easy for me
Speaker 1: to be selfish. I'm a selfish my fucking like, I
Speaker 1: just I'm always gonna put myself first, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, Like that's just you know, that's just how
Speaker 1: I am. And and and who I am. That's just
Speaker 1: the kind of the way I was. That's just the
Speaker 1: way I'm wired, you know what I mean. So it's
Speaker 1: it's easy for me. It's easy for me to be selfish.
Speaker 1: So once I figured that out and rehab, I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be pretty good at this recovering alcoholic thing
Speaker 1: because I could always be selfish, you know what I'm saying, Like,
Speaker 1: that's that's that's not a problem. But like you said,
Speaker 1: checking myself in back, going back to the rehab, that
Speaker 1: was my rock bottom. Like people always ask me, like,
Speaker 1: what was your rock bottom? Like what made you check
Speaker 1: itself in the rehab one? It was me realizing that
Speaker 1: I couldn't stop drinking, like that weekend in Baltimore. I
Speaker 1: really wanted to stop myself from drinking and I could
Speaker 1: not stop that that that whole weekend. So being powerless
Speaker 1: to the alcohol was the was the first thing. But
Speaker 1: but the second my rock bottom was being in that
Speaker 1: rehab facility in Detox. I'm sitting in there with no
Speaker 1: shoe strings in my shoes. I got on a hoodie,
Speaker 1: I got on like pajama pants, and I'm watching my
Speaker 1: team play against the Houston astros in the playoffs, Like
Speaker 1: there's a playoff game going on and I'm a part
Speaker 1: of this organization, this Yankees organization I have on right
Speaker 1: now are playing in the Bronx and I'm in a
Speaker 1: rehab facility. Like that made me feel I mean, there
Speaker 1: was no other I mean, I can't even explain how
Speaker 1: low I felt, you know, and not being able to
Speaker 1: be there for my guys. I wouldn't have been pitching
Speaker 1: for I mean, no way I was gonna pitch that day,
Speaker 1: but just being there, you know, not being there killed me.
Speaker 1: And I think being there with it had it would
Speaker 1: have been a different story. But that was, you know,
Speaker 1: the point where I was like I need to get
Speaker 1: myself together because look where the fuck you are. You
Speaker 1: you couldn't stop drinking that much, and now look where
Speaker 1: you are now, Like you can't even be there for
Speaker 1: your teammates, Like that's how bad you got. So that
Speaker 1: was really like a turning point for me. Was that
Speaker 1: day that they played in that playoff game. I'm sitting
Speaker 1: in the I'm sitting in the in the Detox place
Speaker 1: kind of like just staring at the TV like I could.
Speaker 1: I couldn't believe I let myself get to that point.
Speaker 1: What did what did REHABU unlocking you and transform in
Speaker 1: you just as a man, and then how did that
Speaker 1: play into the rest of your career? UM going forward
Speaker 1: with a with a fresh perspective. I think rehab for
Speaker 1: me just gave me a time to grieve. I had
Speaker 1: never really grieved my father passing away. UM. And two
Speaker 1: weeks into the UM my rehab stay, we had we
Speaker 1: did an exercise where you had to write a letter
Speaker 1: to UM. You had to write a letter as a
Speaker 1: as a family member, to you as if you died
Speaker 1: from alcoholism or as you died UM, from whatever your
Speaker 1: dependency was. So I ended up writing a letter from
Speaker 1: my son little C to me UM, you know, and
Speaker 1: talking to his voice, talking to me as if I
Speaker 1: passed away from alcoholism. And I get halfway through the
Speaker 1: letter and I realized the letter is me writing a
Speaker 1: letter to my father. Like it's me talking all the
Speaker 1: things that I miss about my dad and all the
Speaker 1: stuff that I wish he was here to tell me
Speaker 1: and talk about, and the relationship I wish he had
Speaker 1: with my son, like all these different things that that
Speaker 1: that that I'm telling myself through my son. I'm talking
Speaker 1: to my father at you know what I mean. So, um,
Speaker 1: after that that day, I remember I called my wife
Speaker 1: and I was like, like, I feel like it's like
Speaker 1: a big weight lifted off my shoulder, like like like
Speaker 1: I can like I can finally breathe, like like I'm
Speaker 1: not like pinned down by this thing. And um, and
Speaker 1: it was it was that it was me letting go
Speaker 1: and um understanding that I do miss my dad. I
Speaker 1: still miss my dad. I think about my dad every day. Um.
Speaker 1: I I still wish he was here to you know,
Speaker 1: go see my son player at Georgia Tech. All these
Speaker 1: different things, but I can't hide from those and run
Speaker 1: from those emotions, you know what I mean. UM, I
Speaker 1: think I was trying to use that alcohol to numb
Speaker 1: from that and and those emotions, and um, you know,
Speaker 1: being able to deal with that and grieve and get
Speaker 1: through those through through those feelings and work through that
Speaker 1: process and still work through that process. Um is it
Speaker 1: was was It was the biggest thing for me going
Speaker 1: into rehab. For sure. I love how you mentioned that. UM.
Speaker 1: I think for me, I could relate a lot when
Speaker 1: you said I think it was in the Doctor, the
Speaker 1: HBO documentary, how when you went into rehab, you wanted
Speaker 1: to figure out how you got there and why or
Speaker 1: what was wrong with me? And for me that was
Speaker 1: the same thing. I was a college baseball player and
Speaker 1: going from this baseball player star identity to now a
Speaker 1: drug addict, Like where did it all go wrong? Now?
Speaker 1: I had a massive surgery on my left knee that
Speaker 1: ended everything for me, but just figuring out like what happened?
Speaker 1: And for me, it was actually the loss of a
Speaker 1: loss of baseball, the loss of my purpose. Yes, I
Speaker 1: had a traumatic surgery on my knee and got prescribed
Speaker 1: adi purpose at a week for a month straight and
Speaker 1: then cut off cold turkey. But when I really took
Speaker 1: ownership and stopped blaming everybody else, it was the loss
Speaker 1: of my identity and the loss of my purpose. And
Speaker 1: so I'm just curious we have the gift of addiction
Speaker 1: where we can find purpose. Like I'm sure you're good
Speaker 1: without baseball now, I'm sure you miss it, but you
Speaker 1: have purpose. You're carrying the message. But what would you
Speaker 1: say to other people? And do you talk to old
Speaker 1: baseball friends that struggle with that transition from baseball into
Speaker 1: life after baseball? Yeah? No, I talked to a lot
Speaker 1: of um you know different you know players and older
Speaker 1: guys all the time. Um, you know that that are
Speaker 1: trying to figure out what their purposes, you know after baseball. Um.
Speaker 1: And for me, I feel like my purpose is my family.
Speaker 1: Like I'm here and and I'm able to be around
Speaker 1: and be a dad. And you know, I felt like
Speaker 1: I went to rehab to get a second chance to
Speaker 1: really be here from my family, and I take that
Speaker 1: as my job now, you know, being dad, like you know,
Speaker 1: being the uber dad right, driving around with my son
Speaker 1: to baseball practice and um, all these different things I
Speaker 1: get a chance to to be and enjoy now because
Speaker 1: I don't have alcohol. You know, I think you said
Speaker 1: something earlier about um, you know all I think Darren
Speaker 1: said all alcoholics, you can't imagine alcohol with with or
Speaker 1: without your life, Like I couldn't. I couldn't imagine going
Speaker 1: a day without you know, be with with with being sober.
Speaker 1: But now I can't even imagine the day with you know, drinking.
Speaker 1: Like my life is so much better now. And people
Speaker 1: used to say that to me, Like people got sober
Speaker 1: and be like, oh my life so much better, and
Speaker 1: I'll be like bullshit, like no way it is it's
Speaker 1: so much better. My relationships are better, you know, I'm
Speaker 1: able to get up and my body feels healthier, like
Speaker 1: I'm just you know, in a better space because I'm
Speaker 1: not bought down and foggy about from all the drinking. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I think to double on that, I feel like
Speaker 1: there's something to be said about people like us that
Speaker 1: make life and sobriety look attractive to people, because I
Speaker 1: feel like there's a lot of times where people that
Speaker 1: may have been sober, it's like I was just like you.
Speaker 1: I was like, damn, I'm fending my life into be
Speaker 1: lame as fuck, Like yeah, I don't know what I'm
Speaker 1: about to do, like you know. But then it's like,
Speaker 1: you know, now we can take ownership of the fact that,
Speaker 1: you know, if people are gonna make this decision to
Speaker 1: change their lives and turn it around and they don't
Speaker 1: know what it's can look like down the road, we
Speaker 1: have the opportunity to paint the picture for them, like, hey,
Speaker 1: life can be great, life can be amazing. We can
Speaker 1: enjoy the simple moments, the great moments, the vacations, the
Speaker 1: cool things people get to do. But really, like we
Speaker 1: can take ownership of the fact like hey, Like they
Speaker 1: can look at CC, they could look at Donnie, they
Speaker 1: can look at me and be like, oh man, yeah,
Speaker 1: like they're doing that when they when they So we're like,
Speaker 1: oh man, I didn't think that was even possible. But
Speaker 1: you know, way though. That's a different perspective that I've
Speaker 1: taken into account. But I felt like you even more
Speaker 1: than me because you're young, and I felt like, you know,
Speaker 1: I went in at thirty five years old. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Like, yeah, I mean, it's sure, it's
Speaker 1: it's fine. People can say, yeah, I mean you went
Speaker 1: into rehab when you were done partying, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, Like, when you were you were done. But like,
Speaker 1: for you to do it, you know, at the beginning
Speaker 1: of your career and then still go on to do
Speaker 1: all these great things and still be in the league,
Speaker 1: I think is as huge. And I commend you for
Speaker 1: that because I think kids can really look at your
Speaker 1: story and relate to your story more more so than
Speaker 1: they can't mind because I'm you know, I was thirty
Speaker 1: five years old. You're doing this, you know, in the
Speaker 1: prime of your career. So um, thank you for that.
Speaker 1: And you know, I definitely commend you for you know,
Speaker 1: always speaking out and being an advocate for alcohol depends
Speaker 1: it for sure. Brings me to a moment just two
Speaker 1: weeks ago witnessing Darren's wedding and being there and just
Speaker 1: sitting back and I've got I've got some video proof
Speaker 1: of this, but watching him dance, like you know, in
Speaker 1: the middle of the circle, the whole weddings circled around him,
Speaker 1: and he's just dancing solo and he's performing. He's you know,
Speaker 1: he's performing up on stage, rapping. I'm like, man like
Speaker 1: and just you know, working with Darren and especially I
Speaker 1: mean he's been good on the sobriety thing, just relationship
Speaker 1: wise and love and to sit back and just watch
Speaker 1: and be like, this is all going down and it's
Speaker 1: pure and it's sober, and that's like me. I thought
Speaker 1: my life was over when I had to stop getting
Speaker 1: fucked up, but really it was just getting started. It
Speaker 1: really was. And so yeah, that was a beautiful moment Darren,
Speaker 1: just watching you man dance. And I will still look
Speaker 1: back at that video and show some of my close friends.
Speaker 1: I'm like, you can have a lot of fun. And
Speaker 1: and then it was crazy because my sponsor officiated the
Speaker 1: wedding too, and not a lot of people know this,
Speaker 1: but walking down the you know, I was the first
Speaker 1: one down there, and he was standing down there and
Speaker 1: he gave me a hug and he was like, you know,
Speaker 1: you almost missed this right, and I was just like
Speaker 1: it just like floored me, you know what I'm saying. Like,
Speaker 1: and in that moment of just like before she walked
Speaker 1: down the eye, I was just like reflecting on all
Speaker 1: the different situations of where it could have been left,
Speaker 1: where it could have been over for me, where you know,
Speaker 1: not just my career, but you know, my life being
Speaker 1: in the balance, you know, from overdosing in just things
Speaker 1: like that. It's just we don't take those things into account.
Speaker 1: And you know, like even as like I remember when
Speaker 1: I was still using, there were times where you know,
Speaker 1: I know the consequences, the consequences of my actions and
Speaker 1: my using are so clear, but I don't even take
Speaker 1: those things into account. Like I still hold you know,
Speaker 1: that feeling or that buzz or that picture I have
Speaker 1: in my head of when I got when I'm a
Speaker 1: couple of drinks in and a couple of pills in,
Speaker 1: what I feel like then I still can't get that
Speaker 1: out of my head as what's best. You know, I
Speaker 1: can't bring up everything that was almost tearing my life down.
Speaker 1: So that was just a moment where everything was bought
Speaker 1: full circle. And there's plenty of full circle moments in
Speaker 1: my life today just leave me just amazed. But it's
Speaker 1: cool to have those moments stuff, right, Like it's cool
Speaker 1: to be able to I mean, obviously it's hard to
Speaker 1: go through the stuff that we went through, but it's
Speaker 1: cool to be able to sit back and reflect and
Speaker 1: be appreciative in the moment, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: Like I feel like now that I'm you know, sober,
Speaker 1: I can I can sit back and I get emotional
Speaker 1: all the time, Like I was watching myself. I get
Speaker 1: a chance. I got a chance to see my son
Speaker 1: playing on ESPN the other day. I started crying, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, Like it's just like those little
Speaker 1: things that I get a chance to appreciate, like as
Speaker 1: his father and still have him, like have our relationships
Speaker 1: still be there and still be intact, And I didn't,
Speaker 1: you know, ruin all of that, you know, from my
Speaker 1: alcoholism makes me feel good, man, It makes me want
Speaker 1: to stay in these moments and stay sober. I think
Speaker 1: of having one of the other gifts of having constant
Speaker 1: conversations like this, especially with other men. And part of
Speaker 1: the gift of recovery has been able to feel and
Speaker 1: actually being our emotions and have three men talking about,
Speaker 1: you know, watching our boy and getting emotional and crying
Speaker 1: and being okay with that and really reshaping what a
Speaker 1: real man looks like these days. And to me, that's
Speaker 1: it's all about vulnerability and being able to feel. And
Speaker 1: that's kind of why Darren and I always wanted to
Speaker 1: start this mission and create conversations like this, so hopefully
Speaker 1: we can give people permission to do the same and
Speaker 1: reshape this whole idea of what it means to be
Speaker 1: a man and to man up like all of those
Speaker 1: things that we were taught and told by our coaches
Speaker 1: growing up. You know what, man, Dunnie, I had to
Speaker 1: I have to give my youngest son, Carter, credit for that,
Speaker 1: because I was I grew up in the eighties. I
Speaker 1: grew up in the nineties, Like that's that's how I
Speaker 1: was raised, Like you don't cry, shut up, sucking up
Speaker 1: all those different things. And he I think he was
Speaker 1: about seven or eight years old, and he got in
Speaker 1: trouble and I'm yelling at him, and he started crying,
Speaker 1: and I was like, what you're crying for? He was like,
Speaker 1: I'm crying because you're yelling at me. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. He was like, you want me to calm down,
Speaker 1: but then you're yelling at me, so it's making me cry,
Speaker 1: But then it's making you more angry, So it's like,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. Like he was like, I
Speaker 1: wouldn't even give him a chance to work through his emotions.
Speaker 1: So like he was, he was telling me, you have
Speaker 1: to give me a chance to work through our emotions
Speaker 1: and then I'll tell you what's wrong with me. So
Speaker 1: from that day forward, I haven't yelled him since it's
Speaker 1: been like six or seven years where we can just
Speaker 1: sit down and talk and have a conversation about anything
Speaker 1: that's going on with him and and and it's changed
Speaker 1: me as a parent and changed the way I think
Speaker 1: about you know, like you said, being a man and
Speaker 1: how we teach our boys. He dropped that on you
Speaker 1: at seven years old. Seven years old, yes, seven years old.
Speaker 1: I want to touch on another comeback story that you have.
Speaker 1: I know that you had. I think it was twenty eighteen,
Speaker 1: you had like a heart procedure. Um, can you can
Speaker 1: you take us through that experience and what that was like,
Speaker 1: the thoughts of emotions with it and what it may
Speaker 1: have taught you. Yeah. So, uh in November twenty eighteen,
Speaker 1: me and my wife we had celebrated, I think it
Speaker 1: was eighteen years at that point of marriage, and we
Speaker 1: had a big, big wedding like a re um a vowry.
Speaker 1: Knew what we had in uh in Napa, huge, huge celebration.
Speaker 1: It was. It was crazy. The party was nuts, juvenile
Speaker 1: performed like it was. I mean, it was. It was crazy.
Speaker 1: So halfway through that party, like I started feeling like
Speaker 1: my stomach started hurting, like like I got like nauseas,
Speaker 1: so I like I ran out the back and I
Speaker 1: threw up and and honestly I was still um. I
Speaker 1: was taking and abuse at the time. So my wife
Speaker 1: was like, did somebody give you like some champagne or
Speaker 1: something like that, like like you know, you never really
Speaker 1: throw up, So I didn't think nothing of it. Um,
Speaker 1: we finished the party, all of that stuff. In the
Speaker 1: middle of the night that night, I wake up and
Speaker 1: I tell my wife, I was like, babe, I'm having
Speaker 1: a heart attack, like something's wrong with me. I felt
Speaker 1: like I couldn't breathe and I had to throw up again.
Speaker 1: So I ran to the bathroom and I threw up again,
Speaker 1: And that was kind of the beginning of it, all
Speaker 1: of that, all of everything that happened, so that I
Speaker 1: actually went through that for three more weeks, where like
Speaker 1: I was going to the hospital and I was trying
Speaker 1: to figure out what was wrong with me. They thought
Speaker 1: it was something with my stomach that was putting cameras
Speaker 1: down trying to figure everything out, and but because I
Speaker 1: was nauseous, that was my symptoms. I was throwing up,
Speaker 1: so they never you know, checked my heart. So literally
Speaker 1: for three or four weeks, like I couldn't sleep, I
Speaker 1: couldn't lay over, like walking up the stairs. I'm getting tired.
Speaker 1: And I went into the stadium. I was like, because
Speaker 1: the season's about to start, so I was like, let
Speaker 1: me just go in, like get a workout in and
Speaker 1: then maybe I'll just bounce back start feeling better. I
Speaker 1: got on the treadmill for like three minutes and I
Speaker 1: was like keeled over, and the trainer was like, Nah,
Speaker 1: you gotta go. You need to go to the doctor.
Speaker 1: So I went to the doctor. They checked and they
Speaker 1: did a stress test. And once they did the stress test,
Speaker 1: like I started walking on the treadmill and I think
Speaker 1: I got like a minute and thirty en and I
Speaker 1: couldn't like I couldn't even like my like, I couldn't breathe.
Speaker 1: I couldn't I couldn't like take a deep breath. And
Speaker 1: the doctor was like, yeah, we got to put a
Speaker 1: stint in right now because we think you're like ninety
Speaker 1: five percent block. So like in my artery the Widowmaker,
Speaker 1: I was ninety eight percent block, and I was I
Speaker 1: was actually supposed to get on a flight that next
Speaker 1: day to go to London because the Yankees and the
Speaker 1: Reds actually playing in the London series. So I was
Speaker 1: going over to watch a couple of soccer matches and
Speaker 1: you know, be the ambassador for series. And the doc said,
Speaker 1: if you would have got on that plane to go
Speaker 1: to London, you probably not probably you definitely would have died.
Speaker 1: You'd had a massive heart attack and died. So them
Speaker 1: catching that and putting that stin in, it was so
Speaker 1: that happened. It was November eighteenth, we had the wedding.
Speaker 1: I did that for a whole It was like a
Speaker 1: whole month. So I think it was like right after Christmas,
Speaker 1: like December twenty seventh or twenty eighth when they put
Speaker 1: the stin in. And you know, we caught it luckily
Speaker 1: in time, because if not done, I definitely would not
Speaker 1: be here to be talking to you guys on this podcast.
Speaker 1: What do your practices look like? Now? What are your
Speaker 1: Darren and I always talk about morning routines and rituals
Speaker 1: and the things that kind of keep our mind right,
Speaker 1: keep our body right. Are what are your practices these days? Man?
Speaker 1: My morning routine routine is I normally get up about
Speaker 1: seven o'clock. I come downstairs, I wake up all the kids.
Speaker 1: I have four kids. One is in college, two are
Speaker 1: in high school, one is in elementary school. So I
Speaker 1: get the girls car ready to go, I warm it up,
Speaker 1: do whatever they needs to be done, and then I
Speaker 1: just I come and sit in a living room and
Speaker 1: I do like a little five minute calm at meditation
Speaker 1: before anybody gets up drinking my I have like hot
Speaker 1: water and lemon and that's really it, to be honest,
Speaker 1: like that's that's kind of it. After that my days
Speaker 1: get started. I go to the gym and do whatever
Speaker 1: I gotta do after that. UM. As far as like
Speaker 1: like AA meetings and stuff like that, I don't. I
Speaker 1: never did a meetings. Always went to a private therapist UM,
Speaker 1: which I still see. But I talk about my sobriety
Speaker 1: all the time to anybody who will listen. So whether
Speaker 1: it's doing podcasts like this, or you know, somebody will
Speaker 1: call and say, hey, can you talk to this kid
Speaker 1: or do this or do that, then I'm always I'm
Speaker 1: always willing to share my story and talk about the
Speaker 1: things that I went through. UM. And and and those
Speaker 1: are like my meetings, you know what I'm saying, Getting
Speaker 1: a chance to share and and you know, talk to
Speaker 1: you guys or whoever it is. UM. You know, I
Speaker 1: feel like it puts me in a good space and
Speaker 1: give me a good perspective. Yeah, I think it's so
Speaker 1: important to Darren and I have had multiple guests on
Speaker 1: here that have that are sober, but have had different
Speaker 1: paths into getting to getting sober, and so there are
Speaker 1: many paths to it. We had an author on, Holly Whittakers.
Speaker 1: She wrote a book called Quit Like a Woman, and
Speaker 1: in that she she talks about it like she's not
Speaker 1: an AA person, but she's sober. And really the essence
Speaker 1: is finding purpose, giving back, carrying the message in community
Speaker 1: and finding whether it's men or a group of like
Speaker 1: minded people that can in a sense keep you accountable,
Speaker 1: or you know, we can let everybody else know, so
Speaker 1: the world's keeping us accountable. But I do think it's
Speaker 1: important for people to know that there are many paths,
Speaker 1: but that our way doesn't work. And if we keep
Speaker 1: trying to do it our way, like the way we
Speaker 1: did it before, we're going to end up right back
Speaker 1: where we were. And that's that's rehab, or that's dead
Speaker 1: or that's jail. And you know what, like most of
Speaker 1: the time, we don't realize we have a lot of
Speaker 1: these support systems already in place. We just haven't been
Speaker 1: taken advantage of them. You know. UM, for me, you know,
Speaker 1: whether it's you know, a sense of community, it's somebody
Speaker 1: to talk to, UM, you know, the support system with
Speaker 1: my mom and my wife and you know my teammates,
Speaker 1: so UM, you know you most of the time, you know,
Speaker 1: we we think we're going on this journey alone, but
Speaker 1: you don't have to. And I feel like, you know,
Speaker 1: as alcoholics, we like like like Darren said, we tend
Speaker 1: to isolate and you know, to stick to ourselves, but
Speaker 1: there is this, you know, there are people out there
Speaker 1: that that can help us and will help us if
Speaker 1: you reach out and be honest. That's the hardest thing
Speaker 1: as an alcoholic was to admit that I was an alcoholic.
Speaker 1: That's that's yeah, man. I mean asking for help as
Speaker 1: men as uh, it's forever going to be a crippling thing,
Speaker 1: you know. I picture you know, the herd, like you
Speaker 1: being on the stage for a world series, or in
Speaker 1: the pressure moments, or you know, for me, like me
Speaker 1: going over the middle and getting my helmet, my chin
Speaker 1: strap knocked loose, like those are things of toughness that
Speaker 1: people may think of that what it takes. But I
Speaker 1: feel like the toughest thing to do is ask for
Speaker 1: help or put yourself out there and paint yourself like
Speaker 1: man like I can't do this on my own, you know,
Speaker 1: And that's a that's a powerful uh legacy to leave
Speaker 1: behind a new definition of toughness, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So on that note, I want to ask you, you know,
Speaker 1: as your life goes on, you know, I imagine you
Speaker 1: being in your forties and to feel like, you know,
Speaker 1: if you're like me, I feel like life just continues
Speaker 1: to go buy faster and faster. Like what do you
Speaker 1: imagine your legacy being at just as a man, and
Speaker 1: you know, what are some of those things that you
Speaker 1: do to further imprint that on the world. I think,
Speaker 1: you know, hopefully my legacy as a man is just
Speaker 1: you know, someone who shared his story. You know, I wasn't.
Speaker 1: I wasn't. I'm not perfect. You know, I'm gonna make
Speaker 1: more mistakes. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life,
Speaker 1: but I'm here to share them with you. You know
Speaker 1: what I mean. And I think you know, for me,
Speaker 1: going back when I was talking about my my my childhood,
Speaker 1: I was always looking and learning from different people's mistakes,
Speaker 1: like you know, whether it was this athlete or that athlete,
Speaker 1: or you know this uncle, this family, remember that family.
Speaker 1: Remember like I learned and see the bad stuff, and
Speaker 1: then I'm gonna do the opposite of that. You know,
Speaker 1: I know how I want my whole life to go,
Speaker 1: and I don't want to do any of those things.
Speaker 1: So um, you know, for me, it's it's it's just
Speaker 1: you know, being someone that that was open about everything
Speaker 1: that I you know, all the mistakes that I made
Speaker 1: and and um, you know somebody that was that was honest.
Speaker 1: But I think for my for me, my legacy, hopefully
Speaker 1: it's just you know, my name is carried on through
Speaker 1: my kids in a good way. Um. You know, I
Speaker 1: think that's that's the only thing you can ask for
Speaker 1: his parents. Um, you know, that's it to be honest.
Speaker 1: I mean, I honestly don't want to remember it as
Speaker 1: a baseball player. And if people remember it's a baseball player,
Speaker 1: I just want people to know or remember that I
Speaker 1: played hard and I was a good teammate. I love that. Man.
Speaker 1: What you know, we I introduced you as with your
Speaker 1: baseball statistics and accolades, but um, hearing you share and
Speaker 1: getting to have this conversation with you, you're a lot
Speaker 1: more than that. And I appreciate you coming on here
Speaker 1: and being open and vulnerable in the way that you have.
Speaker 1: And I feel like you will be remembered for far
Speaker 1: more than that. And uh, I definitely feel like I'm
Speaker 1: a better man walking away from this today just by
Speaker 1: having this conversation. So I just want to say thank
Speaker 1: you man. Now, I appreciate it. Man, Thanks for having me.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry this took so long, man, but you know,
Speaker 1: I'm glad that we was able to get this done.
Speaker 1: And uh, like I said, I commend you for you know,
Speaker 1: walking this path and obviously being a phenomenal football player,
Speaker 1: but this this journey that you're on in sobriety and
Speaker 1: mental health and being honest and letting people know what
Speaker 1: you're going through, it's going to change a lot of lives, man,
Speaker 1: So I really appreciate what you're doing. Yeah. Thanks, C See,
Speaker 1: it's an honor, man, It's an honor to have you
Speaker 1: on here. I keep thinking about the visual of you.
Speaker 1: Your wife had mentioned how on the on the mound
Speaker 1: you were like a grizzly bear and then when you
Speaker 1: were drinking, you like turned into the Hulk, right, And
Speaker 1: I feel like you've you've found your way into Like
Speaker 1: when you talk about legacy, it sounds like you. I know.
Speaker 1: For me, it's like breaking some generational dysfunction and being
Speaker 1: the change. And I know you grew up with addiction
Speaker 1: and alcoholism around you. And now how you show up
Speaker 1: for your for your family and you're warming the car
Speaker 1: up for your kids and being there you are You're
Speaker 1: changing the legacy and that's that's the legacy that I
Speaker 1: see and admire the most. And also just your transparency.
Speaker 1: And you know, I think all three of us can
Speaker 1: say that we're just you know, turning our mess into
Speaker 1: our message, and it's really given us a purpose beyond
Speaker 1: whatever the label of the position we play or the
Speaker 1: role that we're in. So thanks for these conversations, man,
Speaker 1: we really appreciate it. Man. That's awesome. Thank you, Donnie.
Speaker 1: I like that I've turned our mess into the message,
Speaker 1: Like I like I can do that all day. That's awesome. Ye,
Speaker 1: Donnie got bars bars. I love it. All right, thank
Speaker 1: you my man. We're out. Yeah, I appreciate you, man,
Speaker 1: but yeah, thank you. Her