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Speaker 1: Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce

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Speaker 1: my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can

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Speaker 1: experience on purpose in person. Join me in a city

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Speaker 1: near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It

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Speaker 1: could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO

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Speaker 1: or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,

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Speaker 1: spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to

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Speaker 1: meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences

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Speaker 1: for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a

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Speaker 1: meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now.

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Speaker 1: Head to Jaysheddy, dop Me Forward Slash Tour and get

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Speaker 1: yours today.

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Speaker 2: Who you decide to partner with is one of the

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Speaker 2: most important decisions you will ever make. If someone is

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Speaker 2: not into you, they absolutely are not for you.

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Speaker 1: World renowned relationship coach, podcast host, and speaker.

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Speaker 2: It's the why me. This is never going to happen.

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Speaker 2: People then get into this learned toplessness. This state that

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Speaker 2: I am in is permanent.

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Speaker 1: No, what are the three biggest mistakes I'm making in

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Speaker 1: dating right now?

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Speaker 2: Okay, so number one is the number one health and

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Speaker 2: wellness podcast.

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Speaker 1: Jay Sheety Jay Sheety mdy Only Shetty. Hey everyone, Welcome

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Speaker 1: back to On Purpose, the place you come to become

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Speaker 1: a happier, healthier, and more healed. Today's guest is Jillian Tareki,

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Speaker 1: a relationship coach, teacher, podcast host, and speaker with over

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Speaker 1: twenty years of experience helping people transform themselves and their

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Speaker 1: love lives. As the founder of the Jillian Tareki Coaching

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Speaker 1: she offers transformative workshops, retreats, and coaching that blends psychology, yoga,

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Speaker 1: and somatic practices. Her teachings, influenced by diverse spiritual traditions,

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Speaker 1: connect ancient wisdom with modern relationship dynamics. Jillian's first book,

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Speaker 1: It Begins with You, has Nine Truths Everyone should know,

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Speaker 1: the nine hard truths about love that will change your life.

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Speaker 1: And it's going to be out on January fourteenth. Make

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Speaker 1: sure you go and grab a copy if you're trying

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Speaker 1: to figure out your love life right now. Please welcome

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Speaker 1: to On Purpose, Jillian Tareki. Jillian, it's great to have.

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Speaker 2: You here, wonderful to be here. Thanks for having me.

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Speaker 1: Of course, of course, I'm so fascinated by love and

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Speaker 1: relationships and my last book was all about love and relationships,

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Speaker 1: So whenever I get to sit down with a fellow

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Speaker 1: coach and a fellow author to learn more and understand more.

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Speaker 1: I'm a huge fan of the videos you post on

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Speaker 1: social media, and I think you're doing such a great

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Speaker 1: job of speaking about really, really interesting things when it

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Speaker 1: comes to love. But I wanted to start off with

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Speaker 1: asking you because this is I always trying to get

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Speaker 1: a sense of what our audience is worried about and

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Speaker 1: concerned about and challenge with. And one of the big

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Speaker 1: things that keeps coming up is what are the three

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Speaker 1: biggest mistakes I'm making in dating right now?

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Speaker 2: Like?

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Speaker 1: What am I getting wrong about dating? That seems to

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Speaker 1: be the top question.

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Speaker 2: So there's a few things. One is it shouldn't just

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Speaker 2: be the apps. I don't tell people get off the apps.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes I say get on the apps. But if you

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Speaker 2: just focus on that, that's going to burn you out

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Speaker 2: and it's going to exhaust you and you're meeting a

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Speaker 2: bunch of strangers. So that's like another mistake that people

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Speaker 2: make is that they're impatient. It's not every day that

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Speaker 2: you meet someone who you want to build a relationship with,

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Speaker 2: like it's just not that easy. But you have to

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Speaker 2: get out there. You have to be proactive. Look, there

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Speaker 2: are people who are sitting around on their couch waiting

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Speaker 2: for like that person to fall onto the couch next

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Speaker 2: to them, and it's not going to happen that way.

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Speaker 2: So you can either live your life to the fullest

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Speaker 2: and enjoy your life and trust that one day organically

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Speaker 2: it may or may not happen if you put yourself

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Speaker 2: out there and you why din your circle, or you

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Speaker 2: actually have to be proactive, and that might mean going

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Speaker 2: on a like dating like it's your business, like going

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Speaker 2: on a bunch of dates every single week with this

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Speaker 2: low of an expectation as possible. Because one of the

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Speaker 2: biggest mistakes that people make in dating, like I have

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Speaker 2: nothing but compassion and empathy for this, but you're texting

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Speaker 2: with someone, you're kind of excited, you feel like there's

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Speaker 2: a vibe, and then you go out and you're like, oh,

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Speaker 2: I don't feel spark or I'm not into it, and

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Speaker 2: then there's this People then get into learned helplessness. And

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Speaker 2: when they go into learned helplessness, they're like, you know,

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Speaker 2: it's the why me. This is never going to happen.

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Speaker 2: It's this state that I am in is permanent, like

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Speaker 2: I will never find anyone.

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Speaker 3: No.

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Speaker 2: Dating is really an opportunity for you to practice your

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Speaker 2: social skills. Social skills are things that most people are

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Speaker 2: not that great at. Honestly, even the people who think

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Speaker 2: that they're really great at it. It takes a lot

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Speaker 2: to really talk to someone and not interview them and

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Speaker 2: actually be curious about them. You know, a lot of

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Speaker 2: people are nervous. So practice and being comfortable in your

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Speaker 2: body and getting to know someone, and who knows, maybe

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Speaker 2: you make a friend and maybe you never want to

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Speaker 2: see that person again, but at least you're practicing. So

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Speaker 2: the three biggest mistakes is just focusing on the apps

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Speaker 2: and not actually expanding your circle and doing new things

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Speaker 2: and letting the certain things unfold organically. Number two impatience.

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Speaker 2: Number three just sort of high expectations. But I want

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Speaker 2: to add another one if I can. People will get

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Speaker 2: into these very long I mean when I say long,

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Speaker 2: like weeks texting exchanges with these people, and it gives

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Speaker 2: them a false sense of intimacy. Oh I have this

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Speaker 2: amazing connection. They never even met the person, and then

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Speaker 2: maybe they never meet. Don't do that text a little

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Speaker 2: bit back and forth like a day, and make a

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Speaker 2: date to either meet on FaceTime zoom or in person.

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Speaker 2: You really should go about it as if your time

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Speaker 2: is too precious to waste texting back and forth with

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Speaker 2: a stranger who may not be available for a month,

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Speaker 2: for a month or more. And then you're getting all excited.

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Speaker 2: I understand, like the thrill of it, and it's all

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Speaker 2: it's exciting, but it's such a waste of time. Honestly,

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Speaker 2: you know, meet the person.

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Speaker 1: As you were speaking, I was thinking about what's at

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Speaker 1: the root of that for so many people, and one

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Speaker 1: of the things that came to me was this fear

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Speaker 1: of rejection. So even the idea of I'm talking to

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Speaker 1: this person for a month is because I don't have

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Speaker 1: to potentially face meeting someone and them never wanting to

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Speaker 1: meet me again, or the resistance that we have to

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Speaker 1: make work and dating feel the same. I know so

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Speaker 1: many people who will cancel on dates last minute because

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Speaker 1: they're scared of well, what if I go and it

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Speaker 1: doesn't work out. And rejection, by the way, is two

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Speaker 1: types of rejection. One type of rejection is that person

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Speaker 1: doesn't want me, and the other type of rejection is

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Speaker 1: that person doesn't meet my expectations or that person I

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Speaker 1: don't want to be with them. Yes, so I'm not

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Speaker 1: just saying rejection in that we're scared of, well, what

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Speaker 1: if that person doesn't like me. We're also scared of that,

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Speaker 1: am I going to reject another person? And like you said,

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Speaker 1: with the high expectations, what do we do about both

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Speaker 1: of those types of our fear of rejection? Because let's

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Speaker 1: take the more obvious one to start with. We all

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Speaker 1: want to be loved, we want to be liked. We

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Speaker 1: all want the next person to be the person. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: chances are that's not going to happen. We know that, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: but still we struggle with the fact that I'm going

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Speaker 1: to meet someone and they're going to say, well, you're

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Speaker 1: not right for me, or you know, don't don't really

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Speaker 1: want to see you again. Like, how do you get

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Speaker 1: over that? Because we talk about it in an entrepreneurship,

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Speaker 1: we talk about it in life, but when you do

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Speaker 1: it with love, it seems so personal.

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Speaker 2: It's one thing to be rejected by the person you love.

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Speaker 2: It's another thing to be rejected by a stranger who

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Speaker 2: you don't know. This is just human nature. We go

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Speaker 2: on dates even if we're not into the person, we

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Speaker 2: want them to be into us or right yes, or

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Speaker 2: like we find them. Let's say we find them attractive

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Speaker 2: and then find out, wait, you're not into me, you

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Speaker 2: don't find me attractive. Yeah, but life, really, the quality

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Speaker 2: of our lives is very much determined by how well

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Speaker 2: we can confront rejection. Like, you're not going to be

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Speaker 2: for everyone. And I really believe this with all of

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Speaker 2: my heart and soul. If someone is not into you

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Speaker 2: for whatever reason, like let's say you're in the early

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Speaker 2: dating process, they're not attracted to you, they're not feeling

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Speaker 2: a spark, whatever it is, they absolutely are not for you.

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Speaker 2: I can guarantee that. So it's important to build that

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Speaker 2: resilience against rejection muscle. First of all, it makes a

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Speaker 2: person more attractive. Second of all, it's just part of life.

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Speaker 2: And I know that it's like you're putting yourself out there.

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Speaker 2: But I wish there was like a magic pill that

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Speaker 2: I could give people to just get over it. But

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Speaker 2: you have to become more resilient when it comes to that.

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Speaker 2: You know, you can't be hiding behind text and not

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Speaker 2: actually meet the person. It sounds hard, but you have

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Speaker 2: to be stronger than that. Honestly, you really really do.

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Speaker 2: And you have to just trust that, like you're not

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Speaker 2: for everyone and not everyone's for you. And yes, it's awkward,

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Speaker 2: and maybe we can just all acknowledge the awkwardness of

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Speaker 2: it all, you know, but you still have to If

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Speaker 2: you want love and you want a relationship, you have

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Speaker 2: to go for it. You can't just be passive.

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Speaker 1: You're looking for one person to fall in love with

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Speaker 1: you and for you to fall in love with yes,

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Speaker 1: and for that you're going to have to meet a

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Speaker 1: lot of people to find that one person. But all

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Speaker 1: you need is one person to say yes, one person

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Speaker 1: to say I do, one person to say I love you.

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Speaker 1: And if you're only looking for one person, just by

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Speaker 1: the nature of odds, you should know that that probably

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Speaker 1: won't be the next person. So switching to that, you

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Speaker 1: said one thing about kind of going in at the

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Speaker 1: lowest baseline expectation, which I agree with, because then you're

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Speaker 1: allowing it to become a friendship. You're allowing it to

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Speaker 1: become a nothing ship. You're allowing it to become what

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Speaker 1: it is. Yes, as opposed to us walking in and

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Speaker 1: going this next person's going to be my wife, my husband,

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Speaker 1: whatever it may be. Yeah, my partner. I think it's

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Speaker 1: so natural for so many of us to want to

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Speaker 1: speed up love. Yeah, like speeding up love seems to

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Speaker 1: be our addiction and obsession with I just want to

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Speaker 1: meet the one now that we're daying, I just want

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Speaker 1: to get married now, you know, it's we're trying to

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Speaker 1: accelerate love almost So how do we slow it down?

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Speaker 1: And how do we take it back to baseline?

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Speaker 2: Number one? Is there is no the one? There really isn't.

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Speaker 2: I mean, we actually choose who the one is? And

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Speaker 2: this is this is really really important. Love, as I'm

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Speaker 2: sure you know, is a choice, Like it's a feeling

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Speaker 2: for sure, But we're so conditioned to believe that love

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Speaker 2: is just a feeling as opposed to a choice, and

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Speaker 2: that when if you do decide to be with someone

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Speaker 2: long term, you're going to have to make that choice

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Speaker 2: many many times throughout your relationship, which is I choose you, right,

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Speaker 2: So people want to rush it, and so what they

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Speaker 2: do you and what I've done is that we lie

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Speaker 2: to ourselves. And it's also because we've been lied by

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Speaker 2: society that there is in romanticism, that there is this

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Speaker 2: one person who's going to come into your life and

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Speaker 2: rescue you and make your life better, and that once

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Speaker 2: you find that person, like everything becomes easier. And I'm

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Speaker 2: certainly not advocating for people being in difficult relationships, but

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Speaker 2: the more challenges you've had in relationships, the less that

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Speaker 2: you've been modeled what it is to actually really love someone,

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Speaker 2: the more you are going to be challenged to overcome

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Speaker 2: and transcend old things and old patterning to actually love

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Speaker 2: someone and to do love to where it's a verb

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Speaker 2: and not just a feeling. So how do we slow

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Speaker 2: it down? And we just want to rush it? It's

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Speaker 2: about acknowledging that feeling. So a lot of people they

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Speaker 2: meet there's chemistry, and I know that this was me.

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Speaker 2: I think if there's chemistry, then this is it as

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Speaker 2: opposed to, well, maybe in the past there's been chemistry,

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Speaker 2: and I haven't had chemistry with the right people, So

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Speaker 2: maybe I need to slow down a little bit and

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Speaker 2: sort of process my enthusiasm. And it's not about I

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Speaker 2: don't want anyone to I don't want to reign on

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Speaker 2: anyone's parade. Like all that stuff is really fun in

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Speaker 2: the beginning, but you want to just say, okay, hold on,

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Speaker 2: what am I feeling right now? This feels really good,

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Speaker 2: this is really exciting. But I need to slow down

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Speaker 2: because I actually need to uncover this person's character. I

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Speaker 2: need to uncover their values. I perhaps need to get

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Speaker 2: a little bit clearer on what it is that I need,

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Speaker 2: what it is that I value, and what it is

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Speaker 2: that I really really want, Not just my preference, but

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Speaker 2: what do I need in order to function in a relationship.

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Speaker 2: Do I have some understanding of myself? You know, it's

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Speaker 2: difficult women, childbearing, age, societal pressures, get married. I understand.

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Speaker 2: I have nothing but compassion for that. The more that

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Speaker 2: I can stress that who you decide to partner with

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Speaker 2: is one of the most important decisions you will ever

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Speaker 2: make in your entire life. And we are meant to

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Speaker 2: kind of get it wrong, and some of us get

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Speaker 2: it wrong for a longer time than others right, But

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Speaker 2: it is the most important decision. So if you're going

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Speaker 2: to rush that, you're really truly doing yourself a disservice.

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Speaker 2: And you have to get comfortable with the fact that, yes,

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Speaker 2: you're scared. You're scared to be alone, you're scared to

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Speaker 2: not be loved. You don't want to be in the

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Speaker 2: dating world. I get all of that. Be mindful of it,

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Speaker 2: you know, connect to that within yourself, and remind yourself

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Speaker 2: always that who you decide to spend your life with

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Speaker 2: might be one of the most important decisions, if not

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Speaker 2: the most important decision, because there's no one in your

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Speaker 2: life who's going to have a bigger impact on your

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Speaker 2: overall well being and emotional state than the person who

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Speaker 2: you choose to spend your life with. So you've got

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Speaker 2: to take that decision very seriously and not rush it.

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Speaker 1: I have often said to friends, there's the pain of

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Speaker 1: being single, and there's the pain of being in the

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Speaker 1: wrong relationship. Yes, and the pain of being single is

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Speaker 1: a lot better than the pain of being in the

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Speaker 1: wrong relationship.

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Speaker 2: Agree one hundred percent agree on It's so.

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Speaker 1: Hard when you're dating someone and you've got enmeshed into

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Speaker 1: each other's lives. There's the toxicity, there's complexity, there's as

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Speaker 1: you said earlier, there's a disconnect in your values the

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Speaker 1: person's character. You think you just discovered it, but actually

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Speaker 1: they showed it all along and you didn't see the signs,

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Speaker 1: And now you're thinking, gosh, I was happier when I

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Speaker 1: was single, and you can't see that when you're single,

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Speaker 1: because the promise of being in a relationship is so

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Speaker 1: alluring and intoxicating that we feel like I must have

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Speaker 1: that now.

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Speaker 2: Yes, and many of those people might think, yes, it's

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Speaker 2: easier when I'm single, but they're actually free to go

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Speaker 2: back to it, and that's why they stay in these relationships,

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Speaker 2: because we fear the unknown.

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Speaker 1: Why is it that we end up being attracted to

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Speaker 1: people that are not into us, and then people who

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Speaker 1: are into us we're not into them. Why does that happen?

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Speaker 2: I'm going to give you some theories, and there are

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Speaker 2: theories shared by many, but one thing that I say

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Speaker 2: is that if anyone truly understood one hundred percent the

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Speaker 2: answer to that, they would win the Nobel Peace Prize.

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Speaker 2: Right because everyone has these theories and they're good theories

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Speaker 2: and they're rooted in psychology. I really want to put

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Speaker 2: out there that no one truly has the answer to that.

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Speaker 2: But there's some really good theories. So one theory, when

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Speaker 2: someone is not paying as much attention to us that

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Speaker 2: could trigger attraction, and one of the reasons is, well

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Speaker 2: maybe they are, like, maybe there's something really special about

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Speaker 2: them and so we put them on a pedestal, and

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Speaker 2: where we are on the spectrum of our self esteem

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Speaker 2: impacts that greatly. So we are on the lower end

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Speaker 2: of self este then we are going to meet people

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Speaker 2: often and think that they are better than us. If

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Speaker 2: our self esteem is on the healthy level, then we

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Speaker 2: kind of are like, well, I'm not better than anyone else,

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Speaker 2: and no one's really better than me. We are all one, right.

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Speaker 2: And then there, of course there's the grandiosity, which is

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Speaker 2: they think everyone is sort of below them in some way.

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Speaker 2: But the people who I work with and most of

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Speaker 2: the problems, and I think the people who probably write

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Speaker 2: into you, there's more of a lower self esteem issue

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Speaker 2: happening where they put someone up on a pedestal and

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Speaker 2: they project unconsciously their ideal partner onto this person. Maybe

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Speaker 2: this person looks exactly like a childhood crush or like

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Speaker 2: you know, the actor who they were always in love with,

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Speaker 2: or maybe there is just something about them and their

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Speaker 2: vibe that they're like, this is the person that I want,

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Speaker 2: and or maybe it's their job. The things on the surface,

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Speaker 2: people will then think I must get this person, because

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Speaker 2: if I get this person, then I'm actually getting everything

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Speaker 2: that I've ever wanted in a partner. On the surface,

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Speaker 2: if I get this person, I'm validated. I'm going to

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Speaker 2: have a good life. Right, So it's all an illusion.

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Speaker 2: It truly is all an illusion. Then there's like the

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Speaker 2: deeper childhood wounds of my father was very rejecting. I'm

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Speaker 2: putting this in the context just because I'm a woman

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Speaker 2: who dates men, so I'm just thinking more. But it

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Speaker 2: could be you know, obviously whoever you date, but if

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Speaker 2: one of your parents was rejecting of you, and that's

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Speaker 2: all you ever knew, and so you never really felt

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Speaker 2: good enough. So actually, in dating and in love, your

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Speaker 2: sort of like center of gravity psychologically is I work

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Speaker 2: really hard to earn love as opposed to understanding or

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Speaker 2: being used to no, Like, all I have to do

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Speaker 2: is be myself and the right person is going to

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Speaker 2: fall madly in love with me, right, you know, be

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Speaker 2: myself with a little dosage of like also let me

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Speaker 2: check myself.

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Speaker 1: Right.

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Speaker 2: So people are used to that, They're used to the

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Speaker 2: rejection they and then again the lower self esteem if

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Speaker 2: they're not into me challenge accepted. So other people are

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Speaker 2: just like there's a competitive edge. I'm going to be

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Speaker 2: like I'm going to change this person, or I'm going

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Speaker 2: to be the inspiration for their change, or I'm going

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Speaker 2: to make them notice me. There's just a conglomerate of

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Speaker 2: influences around that. Why are they not attracted to the

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Speaker 2: person who's actually into them? Again, a lot of theories,

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Speaker 2: and I think they're good ones. Fear of intimacy. You know,

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Speaker 2: if and this is all unconscious, if I'm into the

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Speaker 2: person who's into me, then we actually have to be

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Speaker 2: in a relationship, and then I actually have to be vulnerable,

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Speaker 2: and then I actually have to be emotionally available, and

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Speaker 2: then we're going to build this thing. And like, ooh,

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Speaker 2: that's icky and scary. What's easier for me is to

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Speaker 2: go for the person who's completely emotionally unavailable, who's actually

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Speaker 2: not that into me and may not even be that

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Speaker 2: nice to me, but they're hot and there's something about

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Speaker 2: them and I really want to have sex with them,

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Speaker 2: and I'm just going to use that as sort of

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Speaker 2: like an inn. There's some deeper healing needs to go

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Speaker 2: on there, like that might require therapy, that might require

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Speaker 2: looking into your family of origin and trying to understand

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Speaker 2: that there could be like for a woman who's dating

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Speaker 2: a man. You know, maybe she has a very misguided

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Speaker 2: understanding of what it is for a man to be masculine. Right,

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Speaker 2: So a woman typically is looking for lots of different things,

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Speaker 2: but a lot of women who date men are looking

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Speaker 2: for a man. Or she wants to feel safe. She

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Speaker 2: wants to feel safe, and she wants to feel seen,

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Speaker 2: she wants to feel understood. Maybe she's looking for some

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Speaker 2: providership and maybe that has nothing to do with money,

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Speaker 2: but just has to do with energy and vibe, right,

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Speaker 2: And so then she'll look to the man who may

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Speaker 2: on the outside seem strong. Maybe he's tough, you know,

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Speaker 2: maybe his physique is big and strong. Maybe he's got

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Speaker 2: a little bit of like that dark edge. So she

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Speaker 2: reads it as, oh, he's going to protect me. There's

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Speaker 2: something masculine and sexy about him. But on the inside,

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Speaker 2: he's broken. He has no idea how to love because

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Speaker 2: he doesn't know how to love himself. He's not safe.

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Speaker 2: He's actually very unsafe. Even if not physically, he's going

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Speaker 2: to be unsafe emotionally. And so there's a maturity that

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00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:16,119
Speaker 2: needs to happen to understand that, like your type, you

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Speaker 2: have to get under the hood of the car a

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Speaker 2: little bit more and understand, Like, if you're looking for

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Speaker 2: those qualities in a person, and I'm just using this

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Speaker 2: an example, then really what's actually going to be safe

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Speaker 2: is someone with strong character, someone with presence, someone who

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Speaker 2: has a sense of self, who can actually feel safe

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Speaker 2: in his or her own body. And when they can

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Speaker 2: feel safe in their body, they can actually provide safety

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Speaker 2: for you in the relationship. And that you also have

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Speaker 2: to understand how to make yourself safe. So there's a

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Speaker 2: lot going on. I hope I'm not saying too much,

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Speaker 2: but yeah, But so there's maturity level here, there's misguided

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Speaker 2: understanding of what it is for someone to truly be

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Speaker 2: embodied and safe and valued, and then there's also childhood

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Speaker 2: wounding and they could be all part of it.

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424
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Speaker 1: as their weakness. And if someone's not into us, we

425
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Speaker 1: see it as their strength. And it goes back to

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Speaker 1: with you, because all of that is made up in

428
00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:47,080
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429
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Speaker 1: then that means you must be weak because you're into me.

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00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:52,360
Speaker 1: If you're not into me, then that means you must

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Speaker 1: be really specially important because you're not into me. And

432
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:58,720
Speaker 1: so again it comes back to us. And so when

433
00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:01,680
Speaker 1: you say it begins with you, you, how do we

434
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:07,919
Speaker 1: learn to acknowledge our strengths and accept our weaknesses? How

435
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:11,080
Speaker 1: do we learn to build our self esteem at the

436
00:23:11,119 --> 00:23:14,639
Speaker 1: same time as have self awareness? Yeah, of our shortcomings?

437
00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:15,440
Speaker 1: What does that look like?

438
00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:19,040
Speaker 2: So it's difficult because when you're dealing with because what

439
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,720
Speaker 2: you've just said, like, if you're into me, then you

440
00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:24,359
Speaker 2: must be weak, but if you're not into me, then

441
00:23:24,359 --> 00:23:26,200
Speaker 2: you must be strong. That's all through the filter of

442
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:30,040
Speaker 2: low self esteem and low self worth. It's like, what's

443
00:23:30,119 --> 00:23:33,880
Speaker 2: wrong with you that you are actually into me? It's

444
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:38,560
Speaker 2: not just about accountability. It's like, can you see how

445
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:43,800
Speaker 2: incredibly powerful you are that you can be the change

446
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:46,160
Speaker 2: that you want to see in your life. This isn't

447
00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:50,960
Speaker 2: about like, oh, you're the problem. It's really rarely that

448
00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:55,080
Speaker 2: it's one person who's the problem in a relational dynamic. Yes,

449
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:59,200
Speaker 2: it does exist for very extreme cases, and I'm never

450
00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:01,159
Speaker 2: going to say that it's fifty to fifty. You know,

451
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:03,480
Speaker 2: it really could be someone who's seventy percent of the

452
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:07,800
Speaker 2: quote unquote problem and someone who's thirty percent. But if

453
00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:12,280
Speaker 2: you can see that your relationship or your life is

454
00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:15,960
Speaker 2: really the product of the choices that you make, and

455
00:24:16,119 --> 00:24:19,080
Speaker 2: that it's not your fault if you didn't learn, Like,

456
00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:21,879
Speaker 2: we're all trying to figure out what it really truly

457
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:25,280
Speaker 2: means to love someone. Philosophers have been talking about this

458
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:29,359
Speaker 2: for centuries, trying to understand what love is or is not,

459
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:31,800
Speaker 2: and especially if you were raised in a family where

460
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,000
Speaker 2: like your parents really kind of didn't love each other.

461
00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,359
Speaker 2: You know, maybe they said they loved each other, but

462
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:40,359
Speaker 2: their actions would speak otherwise. So we're all really trying

463
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:42,000
Speaker 2: to do the best that we can do with the

464
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:44,399
Speaker 2: tools that we have. And really this book is just

465
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:47,400
Speaker 2: about giving tools. So how do you build self awareness

466
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:50,119
Speaker 2: and also have the self esteem. You're never going to

467
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,880
Speaker 2: raise your self esteem by being too precious with yourself.

468
00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:55,960
Speaker 2: You have to be willing to be brave and to

469
00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:58,760
Speaker 2: look at the hard things, but also at the same

470
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:03,040
Speaker 2: time knowledge how strong you are. Like, let's just start

471
00:25:03,119 --> 00:25:05,679
Speaker 2: with that, Like all the miles that you've walked, all

472
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:08,720
Speaker 2: the things that you've had to overcome, all the struggles,

473
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:11,800
Speaker 2: all the late nights that maybe you've had of being

474
00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:14,320
Speaker 2: really anxious, and yet you still manage to go to

475
00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:17,359
Speaker 2: sleep and get up the next morning and get ready

476
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:20,280
Speaker 2: for work or get your kids ready. It takes a

477
00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:23,359
Speaker 2: tremendous amount of resilience just to be a human being.

478
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:27,960
Speaker 2: So just acknowledge that and at the same time get

479
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:33,200
Speaker 2: really curious. We are very complex, weird creatures, you know,

480
00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:36,760
Speaker 2: Like we're all so nuanced and quirky. Don't think that

481
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:40,879
Speaker 2: you're so unique in your problems, Like you are not.

482
00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:44,120
Speaker 2: These these things that you worry about, millions of people

483
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:46,480
Speaker 2: are having the same worry at the same time. That's

484
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:49,760
Speaker 2: actually not what makes you unique. Your problems don't make

485
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:53,520
Speaker 2: you unique. The other beautiful things about you are actually

486
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:56,920
Speaker 2: what makes you unique. Yeah, The healing happens when you

487
00:25:57,119 --> 00:26:01,639
Speaker 2: can acknowledge the way in which maybe you've been standing

488
00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:04,200
Speaker 2: in your own way and contributing to whatever it is

489
00:26:04,359 --> 00:26:06,000
Speaker 2: that you don't want to have in life.

490
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:09,080
Speaker 1: What's your take on the mindset that a lot of

491
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:11,720
Speaker 1: people can naturally again, I empathize with it too, can

492
00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:15,320
Speaker 1: get stuck into, which is like there's no good men left, yeah,

493
00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:18,040
Speaker 1: or this idea that all the good men are either

494
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:20,159
Speaker 1: taken or yeah.

495
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,119
Speaker 2: Or they don't exist anymore, emotionally unavailable.

496
00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:25,280
Speaker 1: What happens when you've got into that place and let's

497
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:28,560
Speaker 1: say it's been a valid experience you've had, like the

498
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:32,800
Speaker 1: last three guys you were talking to ghosted you. Yeah, right,

499
00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:35,280
Speaker 1: Maybe there was someone who you actually started dating. You

500
00:26:35,359 --> 00:26:37,680
Speaker 1: were seeing them and then you asked them an important

501
00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:40,560
Speaker 1: question to you or shared something vulnerably and now that

502
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:42,760
Speaker 1: person cut you out. So what do we do with

503
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:45,400
Speaker 1: the mindset? Because it could be valid or it could

504
00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:47,560
Speaker 1: be something you came up with, but either way, what

505
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:48,159
Speaker 1: do we do with that?

506
00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:50,400
Speaker 2: I've worked with hundreds of couples. I work with people

507
00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:53,239
Speaker 2: at all stages of their relationship life, but a lot

508
00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:55,080
Speaker 2: of singles are kind of like, you know, kind of

509
00:26:55,119 --> 00:26:57,000
Speaker 2: the loudest because they want love and I understand that,

510
00:26:57,080 --> 00:26:59,119
Speaker 2: and so I the first thing they work on is

511
00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:01,879
Speaker 2: their mindset and their belief system, and so yes, all

512
00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:03,840
Speaker 2: the good ones are taken, and yeah, I want to

513
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:07,879
Speaker 2: validate everyone who've had really hard experiences. So I'm going

514
00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:09,119
Speaker 2: to tell story that's okay.

515
00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:09,480
Speaker 1: Yeah.

516
00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:12,040
Speaker 2: So I was out for dinner recently with some friends,

517
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:15,240
Speaker 2: one man and two women, and we were in New

518
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:17,560
Speaker 2: York City. I really care about this girl, like, you know,

519
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,200
Speaker 2: she helps me out, and I'm just like, I want

520
00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:20,960
Speaker 2: to get you. I want to get your partner. I like,

521
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:23,840
Speaker 2: what's going on. I wanted to sort of like understand

522
00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:25,680
Speaker 2: what was going on with her. I said, well, what

523
00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:27,879
Speaker 2: is it, what is it that you believe about men?

524
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:30,040
Speaker 2: She's like, well, I just think all men really just

525
00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:35,000
Speaker 2: want one thing sex. I was like, wow, interesting, I

526
00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:37,560
Speaker 2: don't really think that's true. And then our guy friend

527
00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:40,840
Speaker 2: who was there, was like, that's really not true. But

528
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:46,440
Speaker 2: she has this core belief and it's reinforced because she's

529
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:51,200
Speaker 2: gone on dates with men and they've sort of not

530
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:55,920
Speaker 2: really valued getting to know her and have made advances

531
00:27:55,960 --> 00:28:01,159
Speaker 2: that were really inappropriate. But guess what, she gives them

532
00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:04,200
Speaker 2: a second date, and then she gives them a second date,

533
00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:08,760
Speaker 2: and then it's even more reinforced. And I said to her,

534
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:11,119
Speaker 2: and she wanted me to be really brutally honest with her.

535
00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:14,040
Speaker 2: I said, first of all, that's actually not true. Sure

536
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:16,760
Speaker 2: it's true for some, but it's actually not true. There

537
00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:21,760
Speaker 2: are actually men out there who will be very attracted

538
00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:23,879
Speaker 2: to you in a way that they want to know

539
00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:28,120
Speaker 2: more about you, Like they're drawn to you, they're magnetized

540
00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:31,240
Speaker 2: to you. Yes, it's attraction in the beginning, it's less,

541
00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:34,320
Speaker 2: but they want to they want to know you, and

542
00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:38,480
Speaker 2: they want a relationship. There's millions of men single, men

543
00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:42,800
Speaker 2: who want love and want a relationship, but you're choosing

544
00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:48,680
Speaker 2: the ones who kind of suck and who just want

545
00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:52,680
Speaker 2: that from you, And you are actually rewarding their behavior

546
00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:56,360
Speaker 2: by giving them another date. So you're part of the problem.

547
00:28:56,920 --> 00:28:59,560
Speaker 2: These men are getting rewarded because they're getting some smart

548
00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:03,200
Speaker 2: and tent and beautiful woman. They're getting a second date

549
00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:06,240
Speaker 2: after they are treating you like they could care less

550
00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:11,320
Speaker 2: about you. So you are actually training these men to

551
00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:15,360
Speaker 2: do more of what they already do, instead of being like, yeah,

552
00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:18,920
Speaker 2: I'm not interested and absolutely never seeing them again, and

553
00:29:19,440 --> 00:29:22,800
Speaker 2: deciding to be a little bit higher with your standard

554
00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:25,280
Speaker 2: and a little bit stricter with your sort of boundaries

555
00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:29,080
Speaker 2: about who you decide to date. I think that's actually

556
00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:32,120
Speaker 2: a really good example of how someone can get really

557
00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:34,760
Speaker 2: fixated on a belief. And your beliefs are what create

558
00:29:34,800 --> 00:29:40,320
Speaker 2: your mindset. Then your reality becomes a reflection of your

559
00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:43,960
Speaker 2: belief system, and yet you don't even realize the things

560
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:47,200
Speaker 2: that you're doing to reinforce it. Hence it begins with

561
00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:51,960
Speaker 2: you and so having this conversation and also having like

562
00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:55,600
Speaker 2: a really good looking partnered man at the table when

563
00:29:55,600 --> 00:29:57,280
Speaker 2: I say good looking, I mean on the inside on

564
00:29:57,360 --> 00:30:01,120
Speaker 2: the outside, like you know, a great catch, saying absolutely,

565
00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:04,960
Speaker 2: that's not true, and then me pointing out her sort

566
00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:07,960
Speaker 2: of pattern and all that we were able to kind

567
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:12,400
Speaker 2: of chip away at a belief that was actually the

568
00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:17,120
Speaker 2: belief that's keeping her single. Yes, yeah, it's a combination

569
00:30:17,240 --> 00:30:19,800
Speaker 2: of things of challenging yourself like is that really true?

570
00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:23,320
Speaker 2: Where did I adopt that? How am I reinforcing that?

571
00:30:23,920 --> 00:30:26,680
Speaker 2: Could it be true that I've had a couple of

572
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:31,040
Speaker 2: bad experiences? But sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles,

573
00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:33,920
Speaker 2: and that doesn't necessarily mean that it's everyone.

574
00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:36,320
Speaker 1: Well, I think until we do that, we also keep

575
00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:38,960
Speaker 1: repeating who we're attracted to as well.

576
00:30:39,320 --> 00:30:40,480
Speaker 2: Yes, you have to change your type.

577
00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:45,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, so often we're attracting and attracted to the same person,

578
00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:48,120
Speaker 1: and therefore we keep having the same result and keep

579
00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:51,360
Speaker 1: having the same experience of all men just one one thing.

580
00:30:52,120 --> 00:30:54,280
Speaker 1: All men are x y Z or whatever, women all

581
00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:57,800
Speaker 1: men or anything. Yeah, we start creating a mindset that's

582
00:30:58,040 --> 00:31:01,520
Speaker 1: very embroiled in one particular type. But that's because we

583
00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:03,200
Speaker 1: do keep going off to the same type.

584
00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:05,400
Speaker 2: So you keep going for maybe the guy who you

585
00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:07,480
Speaker 2: think is really smart, looks a certain way, has a

586
00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:09,760
Speaker 2: certain job, or she looks a certain way or whatever,

587
00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:13,280
Speaker 2: and you're so attached to that that you keep getting

588
00:31:13,360 --> 00:31:16,200
Speaker 2: the same thing as opposed to the mindset shift has

589
00:31:16,240 --> 00:31:18,800
Speaker 2: to be. Yes, listen, chemistry is important. You've got to

590
00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:20,320
Speaker 2: be attracted to the person if you want to sleep

591
00:31:20,360 --> 00:31:23,480
Speaker 2: with them, But you want to also train yourself to

592
00:31:23,560 --> 00:31:29,440
Speaker 2: be drawn to certain qualities like someone's character, and give

593
00:31:29,640 --> 00:31:32,560
Speaker 2: people who you are like, oh, you know, there's something

594
00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:34,680
Speaker 2: kind of interesting about them. I don't know if I

595
00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:38,360
Speaker 2: feel an immediate spark. Screw the immediate spark. Let's see

596
00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:41,600
Speaker 2: if you're actually like who you are and when you're

597
00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:44,480
Speaker 2: with this person, and I'm not saying endless amount of

598
00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:48,280
Speaker 2: time you can't force chemistry, but it can sometimes turn

599
00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:51,120
Speaker 2: on like a light switch after three or four dates.

600
00:31:51,680 --> 00:31:54,160
Speaker 2: If when you get home from the date, you're like,

601
00:31:54,760 --> 00:31:57,120
Speaker 2: I had a good time, but I'm not sure if

602
00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:59,000
Speaker 2: I feel the spark. They're not really my type. That

603
00:31:59,040 --> 00:31:59,800
Speaker 2: whole chatter.

604
00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:02,600
Speaker 1: Interesting because we talk about the spark in chemistry so much,

605
00:32:02,640 --> 00:32:05,200
Speaker 1: and it feels like we've got to talk about it

606
00:32:05,280 --> 00:32:07,400
Speaker 1: for so many more years now to undo all the

607
00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:09,760
Speaker 1: work that all the movies and that we grew up

608
00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:12,880
Speaker 1: on did. Because I was thinking about this recently and

609
00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:14,360
Speaker 1: I talked about it in my book, which was this

610
00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:17,720
Speaker 1: idea of today. The word going around is someone's aura

611
00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:20,680
Speaker 1: or their charisma, and this idea, and I'm like, I

612
00:32:20,800 --> 00:32:23,120
Speaker 1: promise you, if you see someone's aura and you're attracted

613
00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:25,800
Speaker 1: to it, so is everyone else in the room. So

614
00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:28,840
Speaker 1: you're not special, and you don't have a special inclination

615
00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:33,000
Speaker 1: towards that person. And chances are that that aura doesn't

616
00:32:33,080 --> 00:32:35,600
Speaker 1: make them a good partner. Yes, And so you might

617
00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:37,400
Speaker 1: be attracted when you walk in and you hear someone

618
00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:40,720
Speaker 1: speak and you're like, Wow, they're so intelligent, they're amazing speaker.

619
00:32:41,320 --> 00:32:43,920
Speaker 1: That's not their character. You walk in and you see

620
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:46,160
Speaker 1: someone in their dress really well and they've got all

621
00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:49,520
Speaker 1: this swag in this charisma. That doesn't mean they're a

622
00:32:49,560 --> 00:32:52,520
Speaker 1: good partner and have good character. You see someone who

623
00:32:52,520 --> 00:32:54,280
Speaker 1: has an amazing job and makes all this money and

624
00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:57,360
Speaker 1: drives a really great car. That's not their character, doesn't

625
00:32:57,360 --> 00:32:59,440
Speaker 1: make them a good partner. And so it's almost like

626
00:32:59,600 --> 00:33:03,479
Speaker 1: everything we're attracted to about someone isn't what makes them

627
00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:06,240
Speaker 1: a good partner and makes them good at a relationship.

628
00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:09,720
Speaker 1: You keep saying the word character, and I agree with you. Conundrum,

629
00:33:10,040 --> 00:33:12,280
Speaker 1: what is that because we're not even seeing that. It

630
00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:14,280
Speaker 1: seems like we look at how people think and we're

631
00:33:14,280 --> 00:33:16,200
Speaker 1: attracted to that. We look at how people look and

632
00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:18,320
Speaker 1: we're attracted to that. We look at what people do

633
00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:20,680
Speaker 1: and achieve and we're attracted to that, and none of

634
00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:24,400
Speaker 1: that makes someone a good partner. No, they're completely different things, right.

635
00:33:24,520 --> 00:33:29,600
Speaker 2: Completely different things. Some of the most intelligent, charming, witty,

636
00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:32,440
Speaker 2: beautiful people on the planet are also the most unhealthy

637
00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:36,880
Speaker 2: and the ones who will harm you emotionally. I mean,

638
00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:40,400
Speaker 2: it really is a cruel joke, isn't it. I'm never

639
00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:43,280
Speaker 2: going to suggest that you date someone who you're not

640
00:33:43,680 --> 00:33:47,120
Speaker 2: attracted to. I do think though, and I would really

641
00:33:47,200 --> 00:33:49,160
Speaker 2: be curious to hear your thoughts day, Like I do

642
00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:52,560
Speaker 2: think that with maturity and maybe that's age and wisdom

643
00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:56,080
Speaker 2: and that looks different for everyone that you do start

644
00:33:56,160 --> 00:33:59,880
Speaker 2: to find other things attractive, like for me personally, so

645
00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:02,840
Speaker 2: one who's like really present with me and like a

646
00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:05,760
Speaker 2: good listener. It's not a guarantee. If you're really present

647
00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:07,479
Speaker 2: with me and a good listener, that doesn't mean I'm

648
00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:10,800
Speaker 2: going to be attracted to you. But if you're not

649
00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:13,320
Speaker 2: present with me and you're not a good listener and

650
00:34:13,360 --> 00:34:16,080
Speaker 2: you're not interested, that's definitely going to be a turn off.

651
00:34:16,840 --> 00:34:20,880
Speaker 2: Whereas in the past, I would have felt that in

652
00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:23,880
Speaker 2: my body, I would have felt that red flag and

653
00:34:23,920 --> 00:34:26,440
Speaker 2: then intuition that would have felt off in my body,

654
00:34:27,200 --> 00:34:29,520
Speaker 2: but I would have suppressed this is what And I'm

655
00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:33,000
Speaker 2: saying this about myself because I represent so many people

656
00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:35,279
Speaker 2: who are I know do this too, because I see

657
00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:39,080
Speaker 2: it all the time. Let me just repress that because

658
00:34:39,719 --> 00:34:42,719
Speaker 2: I want to be seductive. I want to lure them in.

659
00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:46,440
Speaker 2: I want the validation. I think they're hot, you know,

660
00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:51,080
Speaker 2: maybe there's something there, And I think with maturity it

661
00:34:51,239 --> 00:34:54,879
Speaker 2: translates as actually, no, like that's actually a really big

662
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:58,160
Speaker 2: turn off when we start to have a clearer sense

663
00:34:58,200 --> 00:35:00,440
Speaker 2: of self. And I don't believe that anyone is ever

664
00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:03,440
Speaker 2: fully whole. Ever, I think that's I think that's the journey,

665
00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:05,959
Speaker 2: and I think that's the biggest lie. It's two whole

666
00:35:06,040 --> 00:35:08,399
Speaker 2: people coming together. I mean, if that's really the truth,

667
00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:13,040
Speaker 2: then we're all screwed, honestly. However, having no sense of

668
00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:18,120
Speaker 2: self and no center is problematic too. Life isn't binary.

669
00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:19,880
Speaker 2: It's not black or white, but it's we live in

670
00:35:19,960 --> 00:35:22,560
Speaker 2: the gray area. But I do think that as we

671
00:35:22,840 --> 00:35:28,319
Speaker 2: do get sent a clear understanding of ourselves, meaning what's

672
00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:31,279
Speaker 2: important to us? You know, what are the things that

673
00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:35,440
Speaker 2: we struggle with? Can we find some sort of self

674
00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:39,560
Speaker 2: acceptance even in the midst of our greatest ambivalence towards

675
00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:43,040
Speaker 2: the things that really we don't quite like about ourselves.

676
00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:46,440
Speaker 2: Can we start to actually hold ourselves in high regard,

677
00:35:46,600 --> 00:35:51,320
Speaker 2: even though we are keenly aware of our imperfections and

678
00:35:51,480 --> 00:35:55,080
Speaker 2: the ways in which perhaps we're difficulty And to me,

679
00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:59,759
Speaker 2: that's healing is really being able to be familiar with

680
00:35:59,800 --> 00:36:02,360
Speaker 2: the parts of ourselves that are good and maybe not

681
00:36:02,520 --> 00:36:06,000
Speaker 2: so great, and still accept ourselves and see that we

682
00:36:06,200 --> 00:36:08,480
Speaker 2: have intrinsic value and that we deserve love. And I

683
00:36:08,560 --> 00:36:11,279
Speaker 2: think that the more that we get an understanding of

684
00:36:11,360 --> 00:36:14,399
Speaker 2: how to meet our needs better understanding what our needs are,

685
00:36:15,160 --> 00:36:18,160
Speaker 2: learning how to stand on our own two feet emotionally

686
00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:21,719
Speaker 2: for some people, that's financially whatever it is. Then who

687
00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:26,239
Speaker 2: we are attracted to changes, and the things that maybe

688
00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:30,680
Speaker 2: we used to be attracted to we're not so attracted to,

689
00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:33,399
Speaker 2: or like, I mean, I've definitely in the last couple

690
00:36:33,440 --> 00:36:36,719
Speaker 2: of years have been like, oh my god, like that

691
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,360
Speaker 2: is the guy totally would have gone for and like what,

692
00:36:39,680 --> 00:36:43,200
Speaker 2: But I know that that is not right for me,

693
00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:45,960
Speaker 2: So I kind of I just switch it off. I

694
00:36:46,040 --> 00:36:49,160
Speaker 2: don't indulge it. It's like I can actually compart to

695
00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:52,680
Speaker 2: menalize and be like, yes, totally attracted him, but I

696
00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:55,360
Speaker 2: know that that would never be the right partner for me,

697
00:36:55,680 --> 00:36:58,239
Speaker 2: So I don't even They're just putting this box over here,

698
00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:01,719
Speaker 2: and I don't pursue that. Yes, that does not mean

699
00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:05,000
Speaker 2: that I can't be attracted to a really good person.

700
00:37:05,520 --> 00:37:07,879
Speaker 2: It just means that we can be attracted to many

701
00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:11,080
Speaker 2: different people for many different reasons. And the more that

702
00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:15,120
Speaker 2: we heal and grow, the more we find qualities that

703
00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:19,359
Speaker 2: are maybe not so you know, charm for it, Yes,

704
00:37:19,880 --> 00:37:20,719
Speaker 2: very attractive.

705
00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:23,439
Speaker 1: I feel. One of the challenges from what I'm hearing

706
00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:26,799
Speaker 1: from you is that a lot of us in our

707
00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:30,840
Speaker 1: thirties are still chasing our sixteen year old crush and

708
00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:34,640
Speaker 1: in forties, yes, and so we're wanting a relationship that

709
00:37:34,719 --> 00:37:37,839
Speaker 1: we wanted back then, and because it was never satisfied

710
00:37:37,880 --> 00:37:41,000
Speaker 1: in our teens or in our twenties, we still spend

711
00:37:41,040 --> 00:37:43,560
Speaker 1: our thirties and forties looking for it. Yeah. So when

712
00:37:43,560 --> 00:37:45,719
Speaker 1: we're in our teens, all we wanted was pleasure, fun

713
00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:48,719
Speaker 1: in chemistry. But now if I actually look at what

714
00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:50,800
Speaker 1: I want in my thirties or my forties, it's peace

715
00:37:51,600 --> 00:37:55,680
Speaker 1: and it's a connection, and it's a sense of comfort

716
00:37:55,800 --> 00:37:58,560
Speaker 1: as opposed to the unease of do we like each

717
00:37:58,600 --> 00:38:01,160
Speaker 1: other today? Do we not like each other? So you

718
00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:04,120
Speaker 1: asked me earlier or alluded to it. So I'm very

719
00:38:04,160 --> 00:38:08,759
Speaker 1: attracted to my wife, but that isn't what's kept us together, right,

720
00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:12,160
Speaker 1: That would be a very weak reason to stay with someone,

721
00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:15,440
Speaker 1: because you can be attracted to many people again and

722
00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:17,919
Speaker 1: again and again. The reason why you stay with someone

723
00:38:18,040 --> 00:38:22,920
Speaker 1: is because there's peace, there's no drama. We both forgive quickly,

724
00:38:23,080 --> 00:38:23,840
Speaker 1: we both move on.

725
00:38:23,920 --> 00:38:24,800
Speaker 2: First say friendship.

726
00:38:24,920 --> 00:38:27,440
Speaker 1: There's friendship. We deal with problems in a way that

727
00:38:27,520 --> 00:38:30,319
Speaker 1: I enjoy. Like, what keeps you together? Isn't that? So? Yes,

728
00:38:30,360 --> 00:38:32,479
Speaker 1: I'm still attracted to my wife, but we've been together

729
00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:34,839
Speaker 1: for eleven years and married for eight, But that isn't

730
00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:40,279
Speaker 1: what's kept us together. What I find attractive has not

731
00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:43,279
Speaker 1: necessarily changed. I still find the same things attractive as

732
00:38:43,320 --> 00:38:45,520
Speaker 1: I did when we first got together. But what I

733
00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:49,719
Speaker 1: need for a long term, long lasting relationship is so

734
00:38:49,960 --> 00:38:52,680
Speaker 1: much more than chemist an attraction. I have a friend

735
00:38:52,719 --> 00:38:54,640
Speaker 1: that I was talking to the other day and she

736
00:38:54,719 --> 00:38:56,920
Speaker 1: said she was out on a date. She got back

737
00:38:56,960 --> 00:38:59,560
Speaker 1: from the day and she usually does this. She messaged

738
00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:04,200
Speaker 1: me straight way and her messages said, Jay, he was perfect,

739
00:39:04,280 --> 00:39:07,200
Speaker 1: he said all the right things. We have the same values,

740
00:39:07,680 --> 00:39:10,839
Speaker 1: great family, guy character. I can't believe. I don't want

741
00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:11,880
Speaker 1: to go out on a second date with him.

742
00:39:12,040 --> 00:39:13,479
Speaker 2: Did you force her too? I hope you don't.

743
00:39:13,520 --> 00:39:16,040
Speaker 1: Yes, I did. And I was like, wait a minute,

744
00:39:16,040 --> 00:39:18,239
Speaker 1: what are you talking about, Like, how does that make

745
00:39:18,280 --> 00:39:20,040
Speaker 1: any sense? Yeah? And it was just like because I

746
00:39:20,120 --> 00:39:22,640
Speaker 1: was like yes, because of course, your sixteen year old self.

747
00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:28,160
Speaker 2: Yes, wanted this shiny butterflies and almost danger like excitement.

748
00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:31,400
Speaker 1: Yes, correct, And it wasn't there. And so it's so

749
00:39:31,560 --> 00:39:33,600
Speaker 1: interesting to me about how we all have to mature

750
00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:35,840
Speaker 1: and grow up, yes, to be like, what is my

751
00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:38,600
Speaker 1: thirty forty fifty year old self? Whatever age you are, yeah,

752
00:39:38,680 --> 00:39:41,080
Speaker 1: mid twenties, whatever, What do I actually want right now?

753
00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:43,279
Speaker 1: What do I need right now? Yes? And let me

754
00:39:43,400 --> 00:39:45,640
Speaker 1: not still be stuck in a sixteen year old mind,

755
00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:48,440
Speaker 1: because we are more than we think we are. And

756
00:39:48,480 --> 00:39:51,239
Speaker 1: I've also seen this for people who explored later on

757
00:39:51,360 --> 00:39:55,160
Speaker 1: in life. Even friends who because of their cultural tradition,

758
00:39:55,440 --> 00:39:58,360
Speaker 1: came out later on in their life, they found that

759
00:39:58,440 --> 00:40:00,960
Speaker 1: their first few relationships, even though they were thirty one

760
00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:03,239
Speaker 1: years old when they came out, they were still dating

761
00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:05,320
Speaker 1: like a sixteen or eighteen year old because it was

762
00:40:05,360 --> 00:40:09,640
Speaker 1: their first relationship. So it wasn't a material AIDS thing.

763
00:40:10,120 --> 00:40:13,680
Speaker 1: It was a mental and relationship AIDS thing. So if

764
00:40:13,680 --> 00:40:16,439
Speaker 1: you're someone who hasn't dated for a long time, yeah,

765
00:40:16,600 --> 00:40:20,799
Speaker 1: your age of relationship is actually much younger than you're

766
00:40:20,800 --> 00:40:21,439
Speaker 1: actual age.

767
00:40:21,600 --> 00:40:24,319
Speaker 2: That's very well said, and that's very very true. There

768
00:40:24,360 --> 00:40:28,560
Speaker 2: are people who are really accustomed to very unhealthy relationships,

769
00:40:28,640 --> 00:40:32,040
Speaker 2: a lot of push pull dynamics, there's a lot of toxicity,

770
00:40:32,520 --> 00:40:37,279
Speaker 2: and often their physical intimate lives are the glue. Is

771
00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:39,520
Speaker 2: the glue that keeps it together, like that's the hot

772
00:40:39,600 --> 00:40:43,239
Speaker 2: part of the relationship. And that person then might get

773
00:40:43,280 --> 00:40:45,560
Speaker 2: out of it and say, well, I may not ever

774
00:40:45,680 --> 00:40:48,600
Speaker 2: have sex like that again, and I tell them, no,

775
00:40:48,760 --> 00:40:52,960
Speaker 2: you probably actually won't. But that's okay, because if you

776
00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:57,200
Speaker 2: are at least attracted to someone and you feel safe

777
00:40:57,200 --> 00:41:02,239
Speaker 2: with them, you can explore so much more. You can

778
00:41:02,320 --> 00:41:05,360
Speaker 2: go into the depths of your vulnerability with this person

779
00:41:05,840 --> 00:41:09,640
Speaker 2: and then create a sex life that can be very

780
00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:13,279
Speaker 2: wonderful with that person, and that's what you want to do.

781
00:41:14,239 --> 00:41:16,640
Speaker 2: For some people, they even say, you know what, I

782
00:41:16,840 --> 00:41:20,279
Speaker 2: just I've deprioritized that. You know, they've been through so

783
00:41:20,560 --> 00:41:25,080
Speaker 2: much crazy in their relationships that they actually have made

784
00:41:25,080 --> 00:41:27,879
Speaker 2: the decision. It's not that it's not important, but they've

785
00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:31,279
Speaker 2: deprioritized it because they've associated with so much pain. So

786
00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:35,000
Speaker 2: everyone is on a different journey. But ultimately the sixteen

787
00:41:35,080 --> 00:41:38,279
Speaker 2: year old self, like, you just have to just acknowledge

788
00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:40,200
Speaker 2: that person and be like, no, you're not in charge,

789
00:41:40,239 --> 00:41:43,640
Speaker 2: because what you want is actually not good for you absolutely. Yeah.

790
00:41:43,719 --> 00:41:46,279
Speaker 1: Yeah. One of your hard truths that I loved is

791
00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:50,160
Speaker 1: truth number five. You must speak up and tell the truth. Yes,

792
00:41:50,680 --> 00:41:52,920
Speaker 1: And I was going to ask you, what's the difference

793
00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:56,319
Speaker 1: between telling the truth and being worried about being too

794
00:41:56,360 --> 00:42:00,200
Speaker 1: honest too early on? Because it's almost like we want

795
00:42:00,239 --> 00:42:01,640
Speaker 1: to share our truth and we want to be honest,

796
00:42:01,680 --> 00:42:03,640
Speaker 1: but we don't want to scare them away. We don't

797
00:42:03,719 --> 00:42:08,040
Speaker 1: want to overstep. Yeah, it's a fine balance, and I

798
00:42:08,080 --> 00:42:09,920
Speaker 1: think it's hard for people, like you said earlier, we

799
00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:12,480
Speaker 1: also want them to like us. And yeah, so what

800
00:42:12,560 --> 00:42:13,960
Speaker 1: does that look like for me?

801
00:42:14,280 --> 00:42:16,000
Speaker 2: What I tell people, I think you should be as

802
00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:18,359
Speaker 2: direct and honest from the very beginning, and I think

803
00:42:18,400 --> 00:42:23,160
Speaker 2: that that's actually very attractive. That is different, however, than

804
00:42:23,719 --> 00:42:29,160
Speaker 2: sharing your entire childhood pain to a stranger. So that's

805
00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:31,719
Speaker 2: not the honesty I'm talking about. Someone has to kind

806
00:42:31,760 --> 00:42:34,239
Speaker 2: of earn that information, and I don't think it's appropriate

807
00:42:34,320 --> 00:42:37,160
Speaker 2: to share everything like that with a stranger. I think

808
00:42:37,200 --> 00:42:39,319
Speaker 2: that has to go a little bit more slowly. There's

809
00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:41,800
Speaker 2: a progression to getting to know someone. It's like you

810
00:42:41,880 --> 00:42:44,400
Speaker 2: know someone, then you're getting closer, and then you're sharing

811
00:42:44,440 --> 00:42:46,680
Speaker 2: a little Then you're starting to open up and be vulnerable.

812
00:42:47,440 --> 00:42:48,960
Speaker 2: You don't have to do that on the first date.

813
00:42:49,320 --> 00:42:51,880
Speaker 2: But in terms of honesty of what it is that

814
00:42:51,960 --> 00:42:54,640
Speaker 2: you really want, what it is that you really need,

815
00:42:55,520 --> 00:42:59,120
Speaker 2: I think right from date one, I agree, this becomes

816
00:42:59,200 --> 00:43:03,279
Speaker 2: more complicated in when you're actually in a relationship. You know,

817
00:43:03,440 --> 00:43:06,520
Speaker 2: I spent many years not really telling the truth. I've

818
00:43:06,560 --> 00:43:09,319
Speaker 2: worked with many couples where there's a lot of love,

819
00:43:09,400 --> 00:43:12,200
Speaker 2: but they weren't telling the truth. Fear of not being enough,

820
00:43:13,000 --> 00:43:15,960
Speaker 2: fear of abandonment, fear of rejection. This is where rejection

821
00:43:16,200 --> 00:43:19,279
Speaker 2: really is intense, when we already love the person. Fear

822
00:43:19,360 --> 00:43:23,520
Speaker 2: that we might disappoint our partner, fear that they will

823
00:43:23,960 --> 00:43:26,759
Speaker 2: never look at us the same way, fear that they

824
00:43:26,800 --> 00:43:30,760
Speaker 2: will resent to all of that, and these are very real.

825
00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:35,400
Speaker 2: But withholding the truth is what becomes the sickness in

826
00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:39,200
Speaker 2: the relationship. And I always say, you don't just have

827
00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:43,080
Speaker 2: the hard conversations for you or for your partner. You

828
00:43:43,200 --> 00:43:45,840
Speaker 2: do it in service of love. You do it in

829
00:43:46,000 --> 00:43:49,839
Speaker 2: service of the relationship. When two people in a relationship

830
00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:52,759
Speaker 2: have the mindset, since we've been using that word, have

831
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:57,600
Speaker 2: the mindset of I'm going to protect our relationship, that's

832
00:43:57,760 --> 00:44:01,640
Speaker 2: the priority. Sure, you're a priority priority, but what we

833
00:44:01,760 --> 00:44:06,160
Speaker 2: are building together that's our baby, Like, that's the priority.

834
00:44:06,600 --> 00:44:10,440
Speaker 2: And so if it means having to have really uncomfortable conversations,

835
00:44:10,520 --> 00:44:13,879
Speaker 2: if it means having to say something instead of going

836
00:44:13,960 --> 00:44:16,440
Speaker 2: into what's familiar, which is stuffing it down and becoming

837
00:44:16,520 --> 00:44:19,000
Speaker 2: resentful and then hating your partner for it, It's like,

838
00:44:19,200 --> 00:44:22,360
Speaker 2: whenever we have a higher purpose, whenever we feel like

839
00:44:22,640 --> 00:44:26,320
Speaker 2: there's something that we're working towards, we will do what

840
00:44:26,480 --> 00:44:29,320
Speaker 2: it takes. We'll climb that mountain, we'll transcend that ego,

841
00:44:29,480 --> 00:44:33,240
Speaker 2: we'll transcend our fears because we're doing it in service

842
00:44:33,320 --> 00:44:36,600
Speaker 2: of something greater than ourselves. And in a relationship, your

843
00:44:36,680 --> 00:44:39,560
Speaker 2: relationship has to be the thing that's greater than the

844
00:44:39,640 --> 00:44:42,320
Speaker 2: two of you. That's the encouragement that I want to

845
00:44:42,400 --> 00:44:44,320
Speaker 2: have people to have to tell the truth, because it

846
00:44:44,480 --> 00:44:47,240
Speaker 2: really sucks when you don't. It's very hurtful.

847
00:44:47,440 --> 00:44:50,319
Speaker 1: I love that, and I think the challenge I've seen

848
00:44:51,320 --> 00:44:54,840
Speaker 1: with that is our ego. Going back to something you

849
00:44:54,920 --> 00:44:58,120
Speaker 1: mentioned right at the beginning, that we want the other

850
00:44:58,239 --> 00:45:02,320
Speaker 1: person to make us feel important. We want them to

851
00:45:02,440 --> 00:45:04,960
Speaker 1: know that we don't need them, but we really do.

852
00:45:05,360 --> 00:45:07,600
Speaker 1: Like it becomes about and I don't want to just

853
00:45:07,640 --> 00:45:10,520
Speaker 1: say games because I think everyone thinks they don't play games,

854
00:45:10,520 --> 00:45:12,279
Speaker 1: so I don't want to use that language. But but

855
00:45:12,360 --> 00:45:12,680
Speaker 1: we all do.

856
00:45:13,000 --> 00:45:13,520
Speaker 2: But we all do.

857
00:45:13,719 --> 00:45:16,359
Speaker 1: Yeah, But there's just this feeling of like, I love

858
00:45:16,440 --> 00:45:17,960
Speaker 1: what you just said. You said the most important thing

859
00:45:18,040 --> 00:45:20,239
Speaker 1: is to protect the relationship, which is beyond both of you.

860
00:45:20,840 --> 00:45:24,480
Speaker 1: But most of us can't look beyond ourselves and we

861
00:45:24,680 --> 00:45:26,719
Speaker 1: want the other person to look beyond themselves. But when

862
00:45:26,760 --> 00:45:28,279
Speaker 1: they don't do it, we're like, well, then why will

863
00:45:28,320 --> 00:45:30,840
Speaker 1: I do it? And then it becomes this, you know,

864
00:45:31,040 --> 00:45:35,480
Speaker 1: back and forth. So if someone has withheld information or

865
00:45:35,560 --> 00:45:39,239
Speaker 1: broken trust in that way, not being honest because of

866
00:45:39,320 --> 00:45:42,120
Speaker 1: the fears you mentioned earlier, which I think we're very

867
00:45:42,200 --> 00:45:45,120
Speaker 1: well and clearly laid out, how do you repair that?

868
00:45:45,360 --> 00:45:46,239
Speaker 1: What does that look like?

869
00:45:46,840 --> 00:45:50,680
Speaker 2: Well, it depends on what the withholding or the lies

870
00:45:50,760 --> 00:45:55,560
Speaker 2: are about. Sometimes it's you're withholding a truth of just

871
00:45:55,640 --> 00:45:58,920
Speaker 2: how you feel, and that's like not as much of

872
00:45:59,000 --> 00:46:01,680
Speaker 2: a betrayal to the other as it is to oneself,

873
00:46:02,920 --> 00:46:06,200
Speaker 2: which is I'm not speaking up, I'm not telling you

874
00:46:06,920 --> 00:46:10,239
Speaker 2: how this landed in my body for me and how

875
00:46:10,360 --> 00:46:13,560
Speaker 2: angry I am at you, because no one will lie

876
00:46:13,640 --> 00:46:16,200
Speaker 2: to you more than you'll lie to yourself. And so

877
00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:19,160
Speaker 2: a big part of telling the truth begins with telling

878
00:46:19,239 --> 00:46:23,040
Speaker 2: the truth to ourselves because oftentimes we don't want to

879
00:46:23,120 --> 00:46:26,399
Speaker 2: look at it. It's hard, We suppress it, we don't

880
00:46:26,440 --> 00:46:31,320
Speaker 2: want to express it. But how do you repair from that? Well, again,

881
00:46:31,360 --> 00:46:35,600
Speaker 2: it depends. Maybe you need a third party understanding you

882
00:46:35,680 --> 00:46:39,480
Speaker 2: know what exactly, what were the boundaries that were crossed

883
00:46:39,600 --> 00:46:43,040
Speaker 2: to what degree? How much can you find compassion for

884
00:46:43,160 --> 00:46:46,680
Speaker 2: the person when they were withholding the truth? How much

885
00:46:46,719 --> 00:46:49,719
Speaker 2: can you see that it actually wasn't personal and that

886
00:46:49,800 --> 00:46:52,040
Speaker 2: it was just something that they were doing because they

887
00:46:52,080 --> 00:46:55,200
Speaker 2: were afraid. You repair with a lot of listening, a

888
00:46:55,239 --> 00:46:59,759
Speaker 2: lot of communication, and possibly with a third party. But yeah,

889
00:47:00,239 --> 00:47:03,640
Speaker 2: it's not easy, and it depends on the degree of again,

890
00:47:04,080 --> 00:47:07,600
Speaker 2: if it's actually a betrayal or this is hard. But

891
00:47:07,719 --> 00:47:10,040
Speaker 2: we have to learn to not take so many things

892
00:47:10,160 --> 00:47:15,960
Speaker 2: so personally because oftentimes, and I'm not talking about infidelity

893
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:19,080
Speaker 2: and things that are really detrimental to the sanctity of

894
00:47:19,200 --> 00:47:24,160
Speaker 2: a relationship, but oftentimes people are doing that and they

895
00:47:24,280 --> 00:47:26,120
Speaker 2: just were too afraid. It's like, well, why didn't you

896
00:47:26,200 --> 00:47:27,560
Speaker 2: tell me how you feel. You have to tell me

897
00:47:27,600 --> 00:47:30,680
Speaker 2: how you feel, and yes, you kind of do, and

898
00:47:30,960 --> 00:47:33,520
Speaker 2: you have every right to feel sort of like a

899
00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:37,000
Speaker 2: mini betrayal from that, like how can I show up

900
00:47:37,080 --> 00:47:39,200
Speaker 2: for you? How can I be in this relationship if

901
00:47:39,239 --> 00:47:42,440
Speaker 2: you don't tell me how you feel? And that's very valid,

902
00:47:43,480 --> 00:47:47,200
Speaker 2: But if the other person can say, you're right, I

903
00:47:47,360 --> 00:47:49,560
Speaker 2: was afraid, this is what I was afraid of, And

904
00:47:49,640 --> 00:47:52,200
Speaker 2: then two people are really starting to tell the truth

905
00:47:52,320 --> 00:47:55,560
Speaker 2: and now we're really getting into the deep stuff and

906
00:47:55,719 --> 00:47:56,560
Speaker 2: getting vulnerable.

907
00:47:56,760 --> 00:47:59,600
Speaker 1: We also expect the other person now to change their habit.

908
00:48:00,640 --> 00:48:05,160
Speaker 1: So we're waiting for the one therapy session after which

909
00:48:05,239 --> 00:48:08,760
Speaker 1: our partner will be transformed. We're waiting for one coaching

910
00:48:08,880 --> 00:48:12,200
Speaker 1: session after which our partner will be the person that

911
00:48:12,280 --> 00:48:14,279
Speaker 1: they promised to be. And it almost feels like we're

912
00:48:14,719 --> 00:48:17,120
Speaker 1: we just are looking for this moment where they're going

913
00:48:17,200 --> 00:48:19,440
Speaker 1: to get it and the penny's going to drop and

914
00:48:19,680 --> 00:48:23,680
Speaker 1: they're going to be like this new, profound individual. And

915
00:48:23,880 --> 00:48:26,320
Speaker 1: that's just not reality. Like people are going to change

916
00:48:26,440 --> 00:48:29,480
Speaker 1: if they want to over a number of years. Yes,

917
00:48:29,840 --> 00:48:31,759
Speaker 1: And the key part of that is if they want to,

918
00:48:31,960 --> 00:48:33,799
Speaker 1: and a number of years and a number of years

919
00:48:33,840 --> 00:48:35,799
Speaker 1: and we're so focused on No, they have to change,

920
00:48:35,840 --> 00:48:37,879
Speaker 1: they have to change, They have to change.

921
00:48:38,080 --> 00:48:40,040
Speaker 2: But it begins with you because there's something that has

922
00:48:40,120 --> 00:48:42,080
Speaker 2: to change in you as well. Because if there's something

923
00:48:42,160 --> 00:48:44,760
Speaker 2: going on in the dynamic and you love this person

924
00:48:44,920 --> 00:48:48,840
Speaker 2: and it's a good relationship, otherwise you are contributing in

925
00:48:49,000 --> 00:48:50,960
Speaker 2: some way, whether you know it or not, to them

926
00:48:51,040 --> 00:48:54,080
Speaker 2: not feeling comfortable to telling the truth. Like people come,

927
00:48:54,239 --> 00:48:56,280
Speaker 2: they come to a couple's counseling and a couple's therapy,

928
00:48:56,320 --> 00:49:00,279
Speaker 2: they sit down and inevitably both people are thinking the

929
00:49:00,320 --> 00:49:03,440
Speaker 2: other person so that I can be okay in this relationship,

930
00:49:03,800 --> 00:49:06,640
Speaker 2: when really it's when we change ourselves. We actually can

931
00:49:06,920 --> 00:49:10,040
Speaker 2: influence the relationship and the change and the other Not always,

932
00:49:10,320 --> 00:49:12,719
Speaker 2: but a lot of the times we can. If you

933
00:49:12,960 --> 00:49:15,960
Speaker 2: have the belief they just need to change and be

934
00:49:16,040 --> 00:49:19,600
Speaker 2: fixed and we're going to be okay, you are in

935
00:49:20,200 --> 00:49:22,719
Speaker 2: for a run for your money because that's actually not true.

936
00:49:22,800 --> 00:49:24,719
Speaker 2: Like maybe they do have to change more than you,

937
00:49:24,840 --> 00:49:26,279
Speaker 2: but there are things that you need to change in

938
00:49:26,360 --> 00:49:27,279
Speaker 2: this dynamic as well.

939
00:49:27,440 --> 00:49:29,239
Speaker 1: Yeah, we really convince ourselves, though we do.

940
00:49:29,600 --> 00:49:31,240
Speaker 2: We reach another lie we tell ourselves.

941
00:49:31,400 --> 00:49:34,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, we really convince ourselves it's a one way thing, yeah,

942
00:49:34,120 --> 00:49:35,920
Speaker 1: and that if they were to change the entirety of

943
00:49:35,960 --> 00:49:38,400
Speaker 1: who they were, and then people say, oh, well, you

944
00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:40,320
Speaker 1: keep giving them the benefit of the doubt if you

945
00:49:40,400 --> 00:49:42,840
Speaker 1: don't do that, And I think that's the balance that

946
00:49:42,880 --> 00:49:44,480
Speaker 1: we're trying to strike is how do you give someone

947
00:49:44,520 --> 00:49:47,600
Speaker 1: the benefit of the doubt that it's not personal, and

948
00:49:47,719 --> 00:49:52,160
Speaker 1: at the same time hold yourself and them accountable for change.

949
00:49:52,160 --> 00:49:55,240
Speaker 2: If you want your partner to change. That's we're getting

950
00:49:55,239 --> 00:49:57,520
Speaker 2: into sticky territory. You have to accept your partner for

951
00:49:57,560 --> 00:50:00,800
Speaker 2: who they are, but also you can have expectation that

952
00:50:00,880 --> 00:50:04,319
Speaker 2: they want to grow. And look, I mean if we're

953
00:50:04,400 --> 00:50:08,520
Speaker 2: not growing in a relationship, meaning trying new things together

954
00:50:08,719 --> 00:50:12,040
Speaker 2: and also separately, you know, following our dreams in some

955
00:50:12,200 --> 00:50:14,880
Speaker 2: way or you know, even in our own personal lives,

956
00:50:15,040 --> 00:50:17,279
Speaker 2: just being willing to pick up a book or try

957
00:50:17,280 --> 00:50:20,040
Speaker 2: a new thing, the relationship is going to get very boring.

958
00:50:20,200 --> 00:50:22,360
Speaker 2: I mean, that's really what we're trying to do in

959
00:50:22,520 --> 00:50:25,000
Speaker 2: so many ways in a relationship is how to combat

960
00:50:25,040 --> 00:50:28,040
Speaker 2: in a long term relationship, how do we combat boredom?

961
00:50:28,400 --> 00:50:32,600
Speaker 2: And really it starts with are we becoming more interesting?

962
00:50:32,880 --> 00:50:35,080
Speaker 2: Are we growing? Are we trying new things? You know,

963
00:50:35,160 --> 00:50:37,359
Speaker 2: are we not just are we doing new things together?

964
00:50:37,440 --> 00:50:40,080
Speaker 2: But are we doing things individually? But if you fundamentally

965
00:50:40,200 --> 00:50:42,880
Speaker 2: think that your partner needs to completely change who they are,

966
00:50:42,960 --> 00:50:45,719
Speaker 2: you're not with the right person. But if you can

967
00:50:45,800 --> 00:50:47,759
Speaker 2: accept them for who they are but also want them

968
00:50:47,840 --> 00:50:51,839
Speaker 2: to evolve and change certain things about themselves, look, many

969
00:50:51,920 --> 00:50:54,080
Speaker 2: people will come will have to come to a moment

970
00:50:54,440 --> 00:50:57,520
Speaker 2: where they ask themselves, is this enough? You know, like,

971
00:50:57,680 --> 00:51:01,360
Speaker 2: can I tolerate this? And all I would say is no,

972
00:51:01,480 --> 00:51:05,240
Speaker 2: one is perfect. Everyone's growth is ultimately their own business,

973
00:51:05,360 --> 00:51:08,800
Speaker 2: their own evolution, their own business, and people grow in

974
00:51:08,920 --> 00:51:12,400
Speaker 2: different ways. But if you want an apple, then you

975
00:51:12,480 --> 00:51:15,480
Speaker 2: have to sit under an apple tree, not sit in

976
00:51:15,960 --> 00:51:18,840
Speaker 2: like a pear tree and then expect the apple to

977
00:51:18,920 --> 00:51:21,960
Speaker 2: come down. So you have to know who your partner

978
00:51:22,040 --> 00:51:24,759
Speaker 2: is fundamentally and be okay with that.

979
00:51:25,280 --> 00:51:28,960
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, you agree with that? Yeah, well said, yeah, no, absolutely,

980
00:51:29,080 --> 00:51:32,359
Speaker 1: I could agree with you more. I think that one

981
00:51:32,400 --> 00:51:36,000
Speaker 1: of the reasons we struggle to accept people the way

982
00:51:36,080 --> 00:51:39,360
Speaker 1: they are is because we've never taken an interest in

983
00:51:39,480 --> 00:51:42,520
Speaker 1: how they became the way they are. We don't actually

984
00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:47,760
Speaker 1: have context of why they became this way. That question

985
00:51:47,880 --> 00:51:50,000
Speaker 1: of what happened to you, how did you end up here?

986
00:51:50,680 --> 00:51:52,680
Speaker 1: And when you start uncovering all of that, you start

987
00:51:52,719 --> 00:51:55,920
Speaker 1: realizing it's so not about you, and it's all about them.

988
00:51:56,000 --> 00:51:57,440
Speaker 1: And by the way, the same is true for you.

989
00:51:58,000 --> 00:51:59,520
Speaker 1: And how did you become this way? And how did

990
00:51:59,560 --> 00:52:01,800
Speaker 1: you expect all of this to be this way? And

991
00:52:01,880 --> 00:52:03,480
Speaker 1: so I feel like that You've talked about this a

992
00:52:03,560 --> 00:52:07,160
Speaker 1: few times today, this idea of curiosity, learning about your partner,

993
00:52:07,320 --> 00:52:10,200
Speaker 1: understanding how they got there, and all of a sudden,

994
00:52:10,239 --> 00:52:12,520
Speaker 1: when you understand that, you go, oh my gosh, I

995
00:52:12,640 --> 00:52:15,000
Speaker 1: get it now, And now I understand how long it

996
00:52:15,040 --> 00:52:18,879
Speaker 1: will take to unwire or rewire that as well, if

997
00:52:18,920 --> 00:52:21,400
Speaker 1: they want to, and if they notice it. As opposed

998
00:52:21,440 --> 00:52:23,920
Speaker 1: to this idea of well, I snapped my fingers, and

999
00:52:24,280 --> 00:52:27,399
Speaker 1: you should get it. You should know how I feel immediately. Yes,

1000
00:52:27,680 --> 00:52:30,319
Speaker 1: I agree with you completely. I don't think there's at

1001
00:52:30,400 --> 00:52:35,239
Speaker 1: least in my relationship. I learned that the smart way

1002
00:52:35,320 --> 00:52:40,520
Speaker 1: to be early on was respecting my partner's values and

1003
00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:44,640
Speaker 1: having her respect mine, and not trying to change our

1004
00:52:44,760 --> 00:52:48,239
Speaker 1: values because we couldn't. Like I don't think I could

1005
00:52:48,640 --> 00:52:50,280
Speaker 1: change deeply.

1006
00:52:50,560 --> 00:52:52,399
Speaker 2: My core value, your core ones.

1007
00:52:52,520 --> 00:52:55,520
Speaker 1: No, I can't, And if someone was trying to change them,

1008
00:52:55,560 --> 00:52:58,239
Speaker 1: I'd find that very uncomfortable. And if I was trying

1009
00:52:58,280 --> 00:53:01,400
Speaker 1: to change theirs, I'd find that very own comfortable. And

1010
00:53:01,600 --> 00:53:04,640
Speaker 1: so I'm with you on the idea of you've got

1011
00:53:04,680 --> 00:53:06,719
Speaker 1: to accept them the way they are, and if you don't,

1012
00:53:06,800 --> 00:53:09,600
Speaker 1: then that's okay too. It's okay to move on and leave.

1013
00:53:09,840 --> 00:53:13,480
Speaker 2: Yes it is, or you know, but always know that,

1014
00:53:13,640 --> 00:53:16,600
Speaker 2: like you know, there's no one who's actually perfect. Yes,

1015
00:53:16,760 --> 00:53:19,920
Speaker 2: you know, that does not exist. And I think that

1016
00:53:20,120 --> 00:53:23,040
Speaker 2: I do think that people know that intellectually, Jay, but

1017
00:53:23,120 --> 00:53:24,759
Speaker 2: I don't. But I still think that a lot of

1018
00:53:24,800 --> 00:53:28,680
Speaker 2: people expect perfection in others. You know, one mistake that

1019
00:53:29,640 --> 00:53:32,760
Speaker 2: many people have made is it's okay that I'm flawed,

1020
00:53:33,800 --> 00:53:37,120
Speaker 2: but unconsciously I'm looking for this person who's so perfect,

1021
00:53:37,239 --> 00:53:40,000
Speaker 2: who's going to actually make up for the deficits that

1022
00:53:40,080 --> 00:53:43,560
Speaker 2: I have in my in my personality and make up

1023
00:53:43,600 --> 00:53:45,160
Speaker 2: for the deficits that are actually inside of me.

1024
00:53:45,600 --> 00:53:48,239
Speaker 1: I think we've got so disconnected, going back to it

1025
00:53:48,360 --> 00:53:51,759
Speaker 1: begins with you. It's just we've got so disconnected from

1026
00:53:51,960 --> 00:53:55,359
Speaker 1: knowing ourselves and knowing what's right for us and what's

1027
00:53:55,400 --> 00:53:55,920
Speaker 1: good for us.

1028
00:53:56,120 --> 00:53:56,319
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1029
00:53:56,320 --> 00:53:57,800
Speaker 1: I feel like the amount of people that are just

1030
00:53:57,840 --> 00:54:01,560
Speaker 1: constantly seeking advice from anyone and everyone in their life

1031
00:54:01,800 --> 00:54:04,520
Speaker 1: and not listening to them and not listening to themselves.

1032
00:54:05,360 --> 00:54:08,080
Speaker 1: And you have one text thread over here with like

1033
00:54:08,239 --> 00:54:11,040
Speaker 1: nine girlfriends, and then you have you post it on

1034
00:54:11,160 --> 00:54:13,520
Speaker 1: Instagram and say I'm dealing with this on my stories

1035
00:54:13,840 --> 00:54:16,399
Speaker 1: just to your private friends, and then you reach out

1036
00:54:16,400 --> 00:54:19,040
Speaker 1: to your family and your parents, and so you're talking

1037
00:54:19,080 --> 00:54:23,000
Speaker 1: to like twenty seven non experts about something in your life,

1038
00:54:23,880 --> 00:54:26,880
Speaker 1: and no wonder you're confused because everyone has their own opinion,

1039
00:54:26,960 --> 00:54:29,680
Speaker 1: someone saying give them another chance, someone saying, oh leave them,

1040
00:54:29,760 --> 00:54:32,399
Speaker 1: someone you know, and you've just got these You've also

1041
00:54:32,480 --> 00:54:37,000
Speaker 1: got actions to take without understanding. Yes, And I wanted

1042
00:54:37,040 --> 00:54:40,560
Speaker 1: to ask you, if there is no the one, how

1043
00:54:40,640 --> 00:54:42,960
Speaker 1: do you know who to focus on? How do you

1044
00:54:43,040 --> 00:54:45,759
Speaker 1: know who to kind of make it work with?

1045
00:54:46,480 --> 00:54:49,360
Speaker 2: Number one? The person who treats you well. And that

1046
00:54:49,480 --> 00:54:51,239
Speaker 2: doesn't mean I think that you know, when we're in

1047
00:54:51,320 --> 00:54:54,839
Speaker 2: a relationship for long enough, we will unconsciously hurt each

1048
00:54:54,840 --> 00:54:59,400
Speaker 2: other's feelings, and sometimes we will, even the most mindful

1049
00:54:59,440 --> 00:55:03,600
Speaker 2: of us will behave or say something or do something

1050
00:55:03,760 --> 00:55:06,200
Speaker 2: that's not filled with a lot of mindfulness. You know

1051
00:55:06,280 --> 00:55:11,560
Speaker 2: will act unconsciously, but fundamentally, you want the person who

1052
00:55:11,640 --> 00:55:15,520
Speaker 2: treats you well, who respects you, who you feel good around.

1053
00:55:15,640 --> 00:55:18,520
Speaker 2: You feel like you can safely express an opinion. You

1054
00:55:18,600 --> 00:55:21,560
Speaker 2: feel like you can be yourself with them. That's so important.

1055
00:55:22,160 --> 00:55:25,600
Speaker 2: I think that is probably one of the most underrated

1056
00:55:26,640 --> 00:55:31,920
Speaker 2: criteria for choosing a partner is can you really be

1057
00:55:32,080 --> 00:55:35,120
Speaker 2: yourself with them? I'm not talking about be your bad self,

1058
00:55:35,200 --> 00:55:37,200
Speaker 2: your lower self with them, but can you actually be

1059
00:55:37,320 --> 00:55:40,080
Speaker 2: who you are? Do you feel comfortable in your skin

1060
00:55:40,960 --> 00:55:44,279
Speaker 2: when you're with this person or do you have to

1061
00:55:44,440 --> 00:55:49,120
Speaker 2: hide parts of yourself so that they can accept you?

1062
00:55:49,719 --> 00:55:51,920
Speaker 2: So I think that's the most important thing. And so

1063
00:55:52,400 --> 00:55:56,160
Speaker 2: someone with whom you share values, someone with whom can

1064
00:55:56,239 --> 00:55:59,360
Speaker 2: you agree on what a life well lived is, because

1065
00:55:59,440 --> 00:56:02,400
Speaker 2: you can have there could be a wonderful connection with someone,

1066
00:56:02,600 --> 00:56:04,880
Speaker 2: But to them, they want to live a nomadic lifestyle

1067
00:56:05,120 --> 00:56:07,080
Speaker 2: and you're like, no, no, no, I want to root

1068
00:56:07,120 --> 00:56:10,480
Speaker 2: and have children. Like it's not going to work. You

1069
00:56:10,600 --> 00:56:13,560
Speaker 2: might have a great love affair, but you're never going

1070
00:56:13,640 --> 00:56:15,759
Speaker 2: to work long term. So agreeing on what a life

1071
00:56:15,800 --> 00:56:19,560
Speaker 2: well lived is there's some compatibility and just in terms

1072
00:56:19,600 --> 00:56:23,839
Speaker 2: of core values. I think that's incredibly important because when

1073
00:56:24,160 --> 00:56:28,040
Speaker 2: in the duration of your relationship things get really hard.

1074
00:56:28,320 --> 00:56:33,640
Speaker 2: Life happens, family members die, maybe illness happens, money, whatever

1075
00:56:33,719 --> 00:56:36,839
Speaker 2: it is, it's your values. It's not your sex life.

1076
00:56:36,840 --> 00:56:39,120
Speaker 2: It's your values. Like as you were saying that, there's

1077
00:56:39,160 --> 00:56:41,480
Speaker 2: not attraction or chemistry, your values that are going to

1078
00:56:41,560 --> 00:56:44,600
Speaker 2: really keep you together. And I think it's you know,

1079
00:56:44,920 --> 00:56:48,759
Speaker 2: that person who if you had to be stranded on

1080
00:56:48,840 --> 00:56:51,080
Speaker 2: a desert island like that would be the person you'd

1081
00:56:51,120 --> 00:56:55,480
Speaker 2: want to choose. And that's how you know, and all

1082
00:56:55,560 --> 00:56:59,319
Speaker 2: their little eccentricities that annoy you and like maybe they're

1083
00:56:59,400 --> 00:57:02,080
Speaker 2: not as neat in the kitchen as you would like,

1084
00:57:02,960 --> 00:57:06,880
Speaker 2: or maybe they're not exactly the height, or you know,

1085
00:57:07,000 --> 00:57:08,960
Speaker 2: maybe they've got some stuff that like you can go

1086
00:57:09,080 --> 00:57:11,120
Speaker 2: down the list and be like, that's not my preference.

1087
00:57:11,920 --> 00:57:14,120
Speaker 2: Those are the things you need to tolerate and accept

1088
00:57:15,239 --> 00:57:18,800
Speaker 2: because they have the other things of values. You enjoy

1089
00:57:18,920 --> 00:57:20,960
Speaker 2: being touched by them, you enjoy kissing them like there's

1090
00:57:20,960 --> 00:57:24,240
Speaker 2: attraction there. You agree on what a life well lived is,

1091
00:57:24,920 --> 00:57:29,720
Speaker 2: and you really feel comfortable being who you are when

1092
00:57:29,760 --> 00:57:30,280
Speaker 2: you're with them.

1093
00:57:30,720 --> 00:57:32,960
Speaker 1: Does the one that got away actually exist.

1094
00:57:33,160 --> 00:57:35,160
Speaker 2: I don't know. I think that's a story that people

1095
00:57:35,240 --> 00:57:35,920
Speaker 2: tell themselves.

1096
00:57:36,120 --> 00:57:36,760
Speaker 1: Why do we do that?

1097
00:57:37,280 --> 00:57:41,200
Speaker 2: What I've seen is we've made some poor choices, and

1098
00:57:41,320 --> 00:57:43,480
Speaker 2: so that we look back at that person and we

1099
00:57:43,760 --> 00:57:46,959
Speaker 2: romanticize them and pedestal them and actually see them maybe

1100
00:57:47,080 --> 00:57:49,880
Speaker 2: better than what they were, better for us, and so

1101
00:57:50,000 --> 00:57:52,200
Speaker 2: we get into our heads and we romanticize them. So

1102
00:57:52,320 --> 00:57:54,520
Speaker 2: I'm not quite sure. What I do know for sure

1103
00:57:54,640 --> 00:57:57,120
Speaker 2: is that if you tell yourself that story, well then

1104
00:57:57,200 --> 00:57:59,600
Speaker 2: you're just like sealing your fate, that there's just no

1105
00:57:59,640 --> 00:58:01,880
Speaker 2: one else out there for you. And to me, that's

1106
00:58:02,000 --> 00:58:06,440
Speaker 2: part of the whole romanticism theory that keeps us very

1107
00:58:06,800 --> 00:58:08,200
Speaker 2: stuck and suffering.

1108
00:58:08,440 --> 00:58:12,000
Speaker 1: I agree. Yeah, it's almost like that nostalgia effect. Yes,

1109
00:58:12,160 --> 00:58:14,040
Speaker 1: you look back on everything and it was always so

1110
00:58:14,240 --> 00:58:16,360
Speaker 1: much better, I know, And if you actually went back there,

1111
00:58:16,360 --> 00:58:18,640
Speaker 1: you'd be like, this was the worst thing. Just go

1112
00:58:18,720 --> 00:58:21,320
Speaker 1: and find an old journal when you're a kid or

1113
00:58:21,360 --> 00:58:23,560
Speaker 1: a dary whatever and look back at it and be like, oh,

1114
00:58:23,640 --> 00:58:26,000
Speaker 1: life wasn't as great as I pretend to think it

1115
00:58:26,240 --> 00:58:29,240
Speaker 1: was exactly, And nostalgia just makes everything seem so much

1116
00:58:29,280 --> 00:58:31,680
Speaker 1: more romantic and beautifully colored.

1117
00:58:31,840 --> 00:58:33,000
Speaker 2: Quite manipulative, isn't it.

1118
00:58:33,040 --> 00:58:35,560
Speaker 1: It really is. It's what you said, it's a protective

1119
00:58:35,640 --> 00:58:38,760
Speaker 1: mechanism of oh, things used to be better, and you

1120
00:58:38,840 --> 00:58:42,640
Speaker 1: know that's a safe space, and I feel good. But

1121
00:58:42,800 --> 00:58:46,120
Speaker 1: actually it's not really protecting you because it's like you said,

1122
00:58:46,120 --> 00:58:49,920
Speaker 1: it's manipulating you into unhealthy belief. You have a beautiful

1123
00:58:49,960 --> 00:58:52,240
Speaker 1: quote in the book where you say, stay in your head,

1124
00:58:52,280 --> 00:58:55,240
Speaker 1: and your relationship is dead. And I think that's partly it.

1125
00:58:55,480 --> 00:58:58,560
Speaker 1: That we stay in our head in relationships in a

1126
00:58:58,600 --> 00:59:00,760
Speaker 1: lot of ways. Some of them can be negative thoughts.

1127
00:59:01,320 --> 00:59:05,240
Speaker 1: Some of them can be doubts, some of them can

1128
00:59:05,320 --> 00:59:07,680
Speaker 1: be questioned, some of them can be you know, ruminating

1129
00:59:07,760 --> 00:59:10,680
Speaker 1: on the past. Yes, how do we get out of

1130
00:59:10,760 --> 00:59:13,439
Speaker 1: our heads and get out of those repetitive thoughts? Yeah?

1131
00:59:13,440 --> 00:59:16,000
Speaker 2: I love talking about this because I'm someone I tend

1132
00:59:16,080 --> 00:59:20,320
Speaker 2: to lean sort of intellectual, and when I am not centered,

1133
00:59:20,400 --> 00:59:22,720
Speaker 2: I leaned, as a lot of people do, and a

1134
00:59:22,760 --> 00:59:24,600
Speaker 2: lot of women these days anxious. So I can get

1135
00:59:24,680 --> 00:59:28,000
Speaker 2: like very like ruminating, analytical and all that. So I

1136
00:59:28,160 --> 00:59:31,400
Speaker 2: feel very equipped. And also when I work with so

1137
00:59:31,520 --> 00:59:36,360
Speaker 2: many people, I mean the stories that they tell themselves

1138
00:59:36,520 --> 00:59:39,760
Speaker 2: about themselves and about their partner that's not rooted in

1139
00:59:39,840 --> 00:59:41,960
Speaker 2: the truth because they're not communicating. I mean, that's the

1140
00:59:42,040 --> 00:59:45,760
Speaker 2: stories in our heads that ruin relationships. So how do

1141
00:59:45,840 --> 00:59:47,280
Speaker 2: we get out of our heads. Well, we start telling

1142
00:59:47,320 --> 00:59:49,280
Speaker 2: the truth and we start communicating. Like that's like the

1143
00:59:49,400 --> 00:59:54,680
Speaker 2: low hanging fruit, Like build enough self awareness, and this

1144
00:59:54,800 --> 00:59:57,600
Speaker 2: picks practice where you can say, oh, I'm in my

1145
00:59:57,680 --> 01:00:00,320
Speaker 2: head right now, I am getting lost in a story

1146
01:00:00,440 --> 01:00:03,439
Speaker 2: right now, because it's a habit. And some people really

1147
01:00:03,520 --> 01:00:05,800
Speaker 2: have a bad habit of getting lost in such a

1148
01:00:05,880 --> 01:00:09,520
Speaker 2: story about another person and then get themselves so worked up.

1149
01:00:10,120 --> 01:00:12,440
Speaker 2: And so what you have to do is keep practicing.

1150
01:00:12,760 --> 01:00:15,320
Speaker 2: That's that storyteller in me right now, that's that storyteller.

1151
01:00:15,880 --> 01:00:18,600
Speaker 2: Maybe something else is true? Could something else be true?

1152
01:00:19,040 --> 01:00:21,600
Speaker 2: Let me communicate. Getting out of our heads is also

1153
01:00:21,640 --> 01:00:25,120
Speaker 2: getting in our bodies. So exercise, movement, breath work, going

1154
01:00:25,200 --> 01:00:29,080
Speaker 2: for a long walk, having a long healing conversation with

1155
01:00:29,200 --> 01:00:32,600
Speaker 2: a friend, doing something where you're social. If we're too

1156
01:00:32,720 --> 01:00:35,080
Speaker 2: much in isolation and we're spending too much time with ourselves,

1157
01:00:35,120 --> 01:00:37,720
Speaker 2: we're too much in our heads. So it's a really

1158
01:00:37,800 --> 01:00:39,800
Speaker 2: beautiful strategy to get out of our heads. When we

1159
01:00:39,880 --> 01:00:41,800
Speaker 2: see a friend or two, or we even go to

1160
01:00:42,440 --> 01:00:44,720
Speaker 2: something that we're invited to and just because then our

1161
01:00:44,760 --> 01:00:48,680
Speaker 2: attention is outwardly focused. Like right now, our attention is

1162
01:00:48,760 --> 01:00:50,880
Speaker 2: outwardly focused. Yes, we have to go a little inward

1163
01:00:50,960 --> 01:00:52,840
Speaker 2: to kind of think. You have to go inward to

1164
01:00:52,920 --> 01:00:54,720
Speaker 2: kind of think of the question, right, I have to

1165
01:00:54,760 --> 01:00:56,240
Speaker 2: go a little bit inward to kind of give you

1166
01:00:56,320 --> 01:01:00,439
Speaker 2: an answer. But we're very because we're having this like commnsation.

1167
01:01:00,560 --> 01:01:02,280
Speaker 2: It's just you and me, and the lights are on

1168
01:01:02,400 --> 01:01:05,520
Speaker 2: us and the cameras are rolling. We're outward focused, and

1169
01:01:06,000 --> 01:01:10,160
Speaker 2: when we're alone, everything is so inward focused. So moving

1170
01:01:10,240 --> 01:01:13,320
Speaker 2: our bodies is always the easiest, fastest way to get

1171
01:01:13,360 --> 01:01:16,680
Speaker 2: out of our heads. It's really and it's daily movement.

1172
01:01:16,800 --> 01:01:18,120
Speaker 2: It's like, oh, in my head, I'm going to go

1173
01:01:18,160 --> 01:01:20,120
Speaker 2: for a walk. Oh I'm going to have in my head.

1174
01:01:20,160 --> 01:01:22,680
Speaker 2: Maybe I have to take a cold shower, get out

1175
01:01:22,880 --> 01:01:25,000
Speaker 2: of this state. Maybe I have to talk to someone.

1176
01:01:25,400 --> 01:01:27,880
Speaker 2: But it starts with the awareness of you know, my mind.

1177
01:01:28,280 --> 01:01:31,280
Speaker 2: All of our minds can be become battlefields. Our mind

1178
01:01:31,320 --> 01:01:33,840
Speaker 2: can be a beautiful thing, but if we don't stand

1179
01:01:33,920 --> 01:01:35,520
Speaker 2: guard of our mind, we are going to be in

1180
01:01:35,600 --> 01:01:39,080
Speaker 2: serious trouble. And no one is invulnerable to that.

1181
01:01:39,400 --> 01:01:41,200
Speaker 1: As we're talking about it, one thing that came to

1182
01:01:41,280 --> 01:01:45,400
Speaker 1: my mind is just how we're really focused on starting

1183
01:01:45,520 --> 01:01:49,880
Speaker 1: things as humans, and we're good at reacting to when

1184
01:01:49,960 --> 01:01:55,120
Speaker 1: things end, and we're really complacent and ignorant in the middle. Yeah. Right,

1185
01:01:55,200 --> 01:01:57,040
Speaker 1: we've talked a lot today about dating and then we're

1186
01:01:57,040 --> 01:02:00,960
Speaker 1: talking about when things go wrong, and maintenance is not

1187
01:02:01,040 --> 01:02:04,120
Speaker 1: something we find interesting exactly right, It's so true. Yeah,

1188
01:02:04,120 --> 01:02:06,760
Speaker 1: it's not something as humans that we like maintaining a home,

1189
01:02:06,920 --> 01:02:09,240
Speaker 1: like building a home, designing a home, that's cool. Yeah,

1190
01:02:09,720 --> 01:02:11,720
Speaker 1: when if you leave something and you're finding something new,

1191
01:02:11,840 --> 01:02:14,480
Speaker 1: that's that's interesting. It's something to pay attention to. Sure,

1192
01:02:14,600 --> 01:02:18,680
Speaker 1: But maintenance is something that we ignore so much. And

1193
01:02:19,200 --> 01:02:23,280
Speaker 1: I was thinking if you could recommend a reflection someone

1194
01:02:23,320 --> 01:02:26,280
Speaker 1: could do with their partner right now, whether they're stuck

1195
01:02:26,400 --> 01:02:31,280
Speaker 1: or maybe it's like, what if something feels almost right

1196
01:02:31,720 --> 01:02:34,320
Speaker 1: but not fully right, as in there's nothing wrong? Huh,

1197
01:02:34,480 --> 01:02:36,600
Speaker 1: what do you do in that situation? Because I think

1198
01:02:36,600 --> 01:02:38,440
Speaker 1: a lot of people find themselves there where it's like

1199
01:02:38,600 --> 01:02:41,720
Speaker 1: they're in that maintenance phase. You're not getting married, you're

1200
01:02:41,760 --> 01:02:43,920
Speaker 1: not you know, you're not having the big moment, and

1201
01:02:44,080 --> 01:02:46,520
Speaker 1: you're not you're not kind of ending it like there's

1202
01:02:46,520 --> 01:02:46,920
Speaker 1: nothing there.

1203
01:02:47,040 --> 01:02:50,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, but you're just kind of like coasting, maybe borderline

1204
01:02:50,840 --> 01:02:52,440
Speaker 2: a little bit bored or complacent.

1205
01:02:53,000 --> 01:02:53,200
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1206
01:02:54,440 --> 01:02:59,560
Speaker 2: So like let's say this couple has kids, stop making

1207
01:02:59,640 --> 01:03:02,440
Speaker 2: your kid it's the only focus of your life. You

1208
01:03:02,600 --> 01:03:06,200
Speaker 2: have to your children actually want you to focus on

1209
01:03:06,320 --> 01:03:08,720
Speaker 2: each other. That's what's going to be really good. Like

1210
01:03:08,880 --> 01:03:12,960
Speaker 2: you are benefiting your children's mental health and lives when

1211
01:03:13,040 --> 01:03:17,040
Speaker 2: you are connecting with each other. So that's important. Shake

1212
01:03:17,080 --> 01:03:21,240
Speaker 2: things up a little bit, whether that's individually or together.

1213
01:03:21,440 --> 01:03:25,040
Speaker 2: Go on a date, try something new, bring some novelty,

1214
01:03:25,600 --> 01:03:28,640
Speaker 2: whether that's in the bedroom or completely outside of the bedroom.

1215
01:03:29,240 --> 01:03:31,680
Speaker 2: Take some time to really connect with each other. Maybe

1216
01:03:31,760 --> 01:03:35,080
Speaker 2: it's sitting down and having a meal and just being like, Okay,

1217
01:03:35,080 --> 01:03:36,560
Speaker 2: we're going to put the phones away and we're going

1218
01:03:36,640 --> 01:03:39,360
Speaker 2: to really connect and maybe we're going to talk about

1219
01:03:39,400 --> 01:03:41,720
Speaker 2: something a little bit deeper today. And I went to

1220
01:03:42,200 --> 01:03:44,720
Speaker 2: I had dinner over to friends last night and it

1221
01:03:44,840 --> 01:03:47,560
Speaker 2: was so wonderful, Like we just went into really deep stuff.

1222
01:03:48,120 --> 01:03:50,840
Speaker 2: I mean also sprinkled in with a little fun and

1223
01:03:50,920 --> 01:03:53,320
Speaker 2: silly stuff, but we just went into very deep stuff

1224
01:03:53,320 --> 01:03:55,920
Speaker 2: and it's like, wow, this is so refreshing to be

1225
01:03:56,000 --> 01:03:58,200
Speaker 2: around people where you could be vulnerable and open. And

1226
01:03:58,280 --> 01:04:00,360
Speaker 2: I think couples kind of you I want to be

1227
01:04:00,400 --> 01:04:02,640
Speaker 2: doing that all the time because you need a little levity.

1228
01:04:03,160 --> 01:04:05,840
Speaker 2: So this is an interesting thing as a couple. Maybe

1229
01:04:05,880 --> 01:04:07,800
Speaker 2: you have to do a temperature check, like do we

1230
01:04:07,920 --> 01:04:09,960
Speaker 2: need a little bit of levity? Like do we need

1231
01:04:10,040 --> 01:04:12,720
Speaker 2: a little bit of lightness? Have we been too bogged

1232
01:04:12,720 --> 01:04:15,160
Speaker 2: down with their routines? Are we talking about the relationship

1233
01:04:15,280 --> 01:04:19,160
Speaker 2: too much and we need to have some fun? Then

1234
01:04:19,680 --> 01:04:22,960
Speaker 2: do something new, Do something fun, Do something that you

1235
01:04:23,040 --> 01:04:25,200
Speaker 2: would have done in the first three months of your

1236
01:04:25,280 --> 01:04:29,240
Speaker 2: relationship a few years in and watch the change happen

1237
01:04:29,280 --> 01:04:32,600
Speaker 2: in your relationship and build it into your weekly routine

1238
01:04:32,800 --> 01:04:36,120
Speaker 2: or at least your monthly routine. If your relationship is

1239
01:04:36,320 --> 01:04:39,400
Speaker 2: kin you're feeling a little disconnected, right, So it's not

1240
01:04:39,520 --> 01:04:41,800
Speaker 2: the lack of levity, but there's the lack of connection.

1241
01:04:42,760 --> 01:04:46,560
Speaker 2: Get vulnerable. Maybe maybe connect in the bedroom or outside

1242
01:04:46,560 --> 01:04:49,960
Speaker 2: of the bedroom, have a real heart to heart. Maybe

1243
01:04:50,040 --> 01:04:54,320
Speaker 2: do something new that's also very bonding. Touch each other

1244
01:04:54,400 --> 01:04:56,640
Speaker 2: and I'm not even talking in a sexual way, but

1245
01:04:57,200 --> 01:04:59,560
Speaker 2: are you touching each other? Like do you put a

1246
01:04:59,640 --> 01:05:01,920
Speaker 2: hand the leg or on the shoulder. Are you being

1247
01:05:02,080 --> 01:05:06,280
Speaker 2: present with each other? Again? This is the part that's mindfulness,

1248
01:05:06,680 --> 01:05:10,200
Speaker 2: and it really sometimes it's so little that has a

1249
01:05:10,480 --> 01:05:15,120
Speaker 2: huge ripple effect, and it's just a matter of, oh,

1250
01:05:15,280 --> 01:05:18,760
Speaker 2: this is what we need, and one of you take

1251
01:05:18,840 --> 01:05:21,360
Speaker 2: the leadership role in that way, be like, Okay, let's

1252
01:05:21,400 --> 01:05:23,760
Speaker 2: do this. I really want to do this. It shouldn't

1253
01:05:23,760 --> 01:05:26,160
Speaker 2: be framed as like, oh, you know, we need this.

1254
01:05:26,440 --> 01:05:29,520
Speaker 2: Otherwise it's just like I would really love this. Wouldn't

1255
01:05:29,520 --> 01:05:33,840
Speaker 2: this be so lovely if And sometimes it's just let

1256
01:05:33,920 --> 01:05:36,800
Speaker 2: me change something in me. Maybe it's not even a

1257
01:05:36,880 --> 01:05:40,959
Speaker 2: conversation with your partner, it's how you're showing up. Maybe

1258
01:05:41,040 --> 01:05:44,400
Speaker 2: you've grown a little complacent towards the relationship, towards your life,

1259
01:05:44,440 --> 01:05:47,160
Speaker 2: towards anything. Maybe you need to shake things up a

1260
01:05:47,200 --> 01:05:49,800
Speaker 2: little bit inside yourself and bring a little bit more

1261
01:05:50,360 --> 01:05:52,120
Speaker 2: of the part of you, because we all have so

1262
01:05:52,240 --> 01:05:56,120
Speaker 2: many different parts to our psyche and our personality. Maybe

1263
01:05:56,200 --> 01:05:58,640
Speaker 2: bring a little bit more of what you brought in

1264
01:05:58,720 --> 01:06:00,440
Speaker 2: the beginning of the relationship now.

1265
01:06:00,840 --> 01:06:01,120
Speaker 1: And that.

1266
01:06:02,640 --> 01:06:06,080
Speaker 2: Kind of always does the trick if people are willing switching.

1267
01:06:05,800 --> 01:06:07,960
Speaker 1: From going back to the beginning of the relationship, looking

1268
01:06:07,960 --> 01:06:10,560
Speaker 1: at the end of a relationship. Yeah, if someone's broken

1269
01:06:10,680 --> 01:06:14,800
Speaker 1: up with you, what's the best self reflection exercise that

1270
01:06:14,840 --> 01:06:17,720
Speaker 1: you'd recommend to someone If someone's just broken up.

1271
01:06:17,600 --> 01:06:20,400
Speaker 2: With them, Well, if they're just in the shock and

1272
01:06:20,480 --> 01:06:22,600
Speaker 2: the pain of just broken up after they air, yeah

1273
01:06:22,680 --> 01:06:24,760
Speaker 2: I would. Yeah, I would say after that because in

1274
01:06:24,840 --> 01:06:27,200
Speaker 2: the beginning, it's more just like how can I survive

1275
01:06:27,280 --> 01:06:30,000
Speaker 2: and who's going to support me? Right, But when you're

1276
01:06:30,120 --> 01:06:35,560
Speaker 2: sort of out of that initial shock of pain, you're

1277
01:06:35,600 --> 01:06:37,680
Speaker 2: still hurt and you're still sad, but you're ready to

1278
01:06:37,760 --> 01:06:40,520
Speaker 2: self reflect. One of the hardest things to do yet

1279
01:06:40,600 --> 01:06:43,200
Speaker 2: most important things to do, and maybe you'll never one

1280
01:06:43,240 --> 01:06:47,360
Speaker 2: hundred percent get clear, is how did I contribute to

1281
01:06:47,560 --> 01:06:53,880
Speaker 2: whatever did not work? And how did they contribute? It's

1282
01:06:53,960 --> 01:06:56,120
Speaker 2: so hard not to go into the blame game and

1283
01:06:56,320 --> 01:06:58,840
Speaker 2: just blame them for everything and blame ourselves for anything,

1284
01:06:58,920 --> 01:07:01,360
Speaker 2: but true self when it comes to the end of

1285
01:07:01,400 --> 01:07:05,240
Speaker 2: a relationship is can I have some clarity around some

1286
01:07:05,440 --> 01:07:09,480
Speaker 2: of the patterns that I have that have contributed to

1287
01:07:09,600 --> 01:07:12,680
Speaker 2: whatever didn't work? And can I get clear about what

1288
01:07:12,920 --> 01:07:16,040
Speaker 2: they did and what their patterns were that really didn't work?

1289
01:07:16,640 --> 01:07:19,320
Speaker 2: And that's a process, and it's a journey of self reflection.

1290
01:07:19,520 --> 01:07:22,240
Speaker 2: But I think that is absolutely important to start with,

1291
01:07:22,840 --> 01:07:24,800
Speaker 2: what are some of the ways in which maybe I

1292
01:07:24,920 --> 01:07:26,640
Speaker 2: have contributed to what didn't work?

1293
01:07:26,800 --> 01:07:26,920
Speaker 3: There?

1294
01:07:27,600 --> 01:07:29,840
Speaker 2: Is there something in my self esteem that needs to

1295
01:07:29,880 --> 01:07:33,360
Speaker 2: be worked on? Is there something that I learned from

1296
01:07:33,440 --> 01:07:37,000
Speaker 2: childhood that maybe isn't working? And then to add to

1297
01:07:37,120 --> 01:07:41,080
Speaker 2: that is what did I contribute that really worked? What

1298
01:07:41,200 --> 01:07:44,640
Speaker 2: are my strengths in relationship? Because you have to reflect

1299
01:07:44,680 --> 01:07:47,959
Speaker 2: on that too. How was I really really loving? Maybe

1300
01:07:48,000 --> 01:07:51,040
Speaker 2: I was too loving to a fault, but I'm still loving,

1301
01:07:52,000 --> 01:07:53,920
Speaker 2: you know, And I'd rather be too loving to a

1302
01:07:53,960 --> 01:07:56,280
Speaker 2: fault than not loving at all, you know. So those

1303
01:07:56,320 --> 01:07:58,960
Speaker 2: are some of the questions that we need to ask ourselves,

1304
01:07:59,040 --> 01:08:01,600
Speaker 2: and those are hard. You know, I've gone through tremendous

1305
01:08:01,640 --> 01:08:04,640
Speaker 2: heartbreak and just having to go through that, but I

1306
01:08:04,880 --> 01:08:07,240
Speaker 2: was so hell bent on I don't want to this

1307
01:08:07,440 --> 01:08:08,400
Speaker 2: to ever happen again.

1308
01:08:08,840 --> 01:08:09,880
Speaker 1: So what do I have to do?

1309
01:08:10,520 --> 01:08:14,440
Speaker 2: And look? Accountability in a relationship wherever the relationship is,

1310
01:08:14,520 --> 01:08:17,360
Speaker 2: and the beginning, middle, or end is the most important thing.

1311
01:08:17,439 --> 01:08:21,639
Speaker 2: If you cannot take responsibility for being another human being

1312
01:08:21,680 --> 01:08:24,840
Speaker 2: in this dynamic, then you are essentially a nightmare to

1313
01:08:24,880 --> 01:08:27,439
Speaker 2: be in a relationship with and I hate to be

1314
01:08:27,520 --> 01:08:30,880
Speaker 2: so blunt, but it's true. Accountability is everything. That's not

1315
01:08:30,960 --> 01:08:33,760
Speaker 2: about taking all the blame, but we have to be

1316
01:08:33,840 --> 01:08:37,280
Speaker 2: able to own our stuff. And when two people are

1317
01:08:37,400 --> 01:08:41,400
Speaker 2: doing that, I really think that there's tremendous healing that

1318
01:08:41,479 --> 01:08:43,439
Speaker 2: can happen between two people if they're willing.

1319
01:08:43,240 --> 01:08:45,000
Speaker 1: To do that. Killian, thank you so much for your

1320
01:08:45,080 --> 01:08:48,200
Speaker 1: insights today. It's been really wonderful having this back and

1321
01:08:48,320 --> 01:08:50,960
Speaker 1: forth with you of just kind of thinking about all

1322
01:08:51,000 --> 01:08:56,360
Speaker 1: the different iterations, moments, phases of a relationship. And we

1323
01:08:56,600 --> 01:08:59,559
Speaker 1: end every episode of On Purpose with a final five Yes,

1324
01:09:00,080 --> 01:09:02,240
Speaker 1: fast five. Every question has to be answered in one

1325
01:09:02,280 --> 01:09:05,799
Speaker 1: word to one sentenced maximum. Okay, so Jillian and Toureki,

1326
01:09:05,880 --> 01:09:09,200
Speaker 1: these are your fast five. The first question is what

1327
01:09:09,439 --> 01:09:12,559
Speaker 1: is the best love advice you've ever heard or received?

1328
01:09:13,040 --> 01:09:15,040
Speaker 2: No one is perfect. Figure out what you can tolerate

1329
01:09:15,479 --> 01:09:16,519
Speaker 2: and what you can't tolerate.

1330
01:09:16,720 --> 01:09:19,360
Speaker 1: I like that second question is what is the worst

1331
01:09:19,439 --> 01:09:20,880
Speaker 1: relationship advice you've ever heard?

1332
01:09:21,760 --> 01:09:24,240
Speaker 2: You don't have to lean on your husband when you're

1333
01:09:24,280 --> 01:09:26,840
Speaker 2: going through a miscarriage. You just lean on your mother

1334
01:09:26,960 --> 01:09:29,200
Speaker 2: and your sister. That was the worst advice that I

1335
01:09:29,280 --> 01:09:31,559
Speaker 2: got from a therapist someone said that to you. Yeah,

1336
01:09:31,560 --> 01:09:32,519
Speaker 2: a therapist said.

1337
01:09:32,360 --> 01:09:37,240
Speaker 1: That, let's take a detour to focus on that list. Yeah,

1338
01:09:38,000 --> 01:09:38,760
Speaker 1: how did that feel?

1339
01:09:39,280 --> 01:09:43,280
Speaker 2: Very confusing. I understand when you're in a relationship that

1340
01:09:43,360 --> 01:09:46,400
Speaker 2: your partner should not be your only confidante. That it's

1341
01:09:46,479 --> 01:09:50,240
Speaker 2: really important to have some community or other people around

1342
01:09:50,360 --> 01:09:52,240
Speaker 2: you that you go to, Like you don't have to

1343
01:09:52,320 --> 01:09:55,760
Speaker 2: go to your partner for every single thing. Yeah, to

1344
01:09:55,840 --> 01:09:59,560
Speaker 2: have other sources. But if you're going through the miscarriage

1345
01:10:00,000 --> 01:10:04,120
Speaker 2: and you can't lean on your partner, to me, that

1346
01:10:04,320 --> 01:10:09,040
Speaker 2: sounds insane. But I think her intention was don't lean

1347
01:10:09,120 --> 01:10:12,439
Speaker 2: on him for everything. And so I took that on as,

1348
01:10:12,760 --> 01:10:14,680
Speaker 2: oh my god, you know, I'm being too dependent or

1349
01:10:14,720 --> 01:10:17,839
Speaker 2: to doing being too codependent, And it was very confusing.

1350
01:10:17,880 --> 01:10:19,519
Speaker 2: And it was only later on when I started to

1351
01:10:19,600 --> 01:10:22,000
Speaker 2: do this work where I recognize that that was the

1352
01:10:22,080 --> 01:10:25,600
Speaker 2: worst piece of advice I've ever received ever from anyone.

1353
01:10:25,320 --> 01:10:27,519
Speaker 1: And I've especially in that situation, and.

1354
01:10:27,560 --> 01:10:29,880
Speaker 2: Especially in that situation, and I could not disagree with

1355
01:10:29,920 --> 01:10:33,160
Speaker 2: it more. That's exactly who you should be leaning on,

1356
01:10:33,240 --> 01:10:35,360
Speaker 2: and it's exactly who you should feel safe leaning on.

1357
01:10:35,840 --> 01:10:40,080
Speaker 1: Question number three. One of your hard truths is number eight,

1358
01:10:40,120 --> 01:10:43,360
Speaker 1: no one is coming to save you. What do you do?

1359
01:10:44,200 --> 01:10:50,000
Speaker 2: Save yourself and choose someone who's going to have your

1360
01:10:50,080 --> 01:10:50,920
Speaker 2: back while you do that?

1361
01:10:51,320 --> 01:10:56,599
Speaker 1: The right answer? And question number four truth and number

1362
01:10:56,680 --> 01:10:58,920
Speaker 1: nine you say you must make peace with your parents.

1363
01:10:59,280 --> 01:11:00,559
Speaker 1: Why is that so important?

1364
01:11:01,160 --> 01:11:04,000
Speaker 2: What I will say first, because I think this is important.

1365
01:11:04,880 --> 01:11:06,680
Speaker 2: I don't in the book. I do say if you

1366
01:11:06,760 --> 01:11:10,280
Speaker 2: were sexually abused or terribly abused, I would no way

1367
01:11:10,360 --> 01:11:12,640
Speaker 2: tell someone to make peace with your parent. What I

1368
01:11:12,680 --> 01:11:14,640
Speaker 2: would encourage them to do is to figure out how

1369
01:11:14,680 --> 01:11:16,760
Speaker 2: to become the hero of their story rather than just

1370
01:11:16,840 --> 01:11:19,559
Speaker 2: the survivor. Even if you never speak to your parent again,

1371
01:11:20,120 --> 01:11:23,479
Speaker 2: you have to figure out a way to question the

1372
01:11:23,560 --> 01:11:25,960
Speaker 2: story that you have about them so that you are

1373
01:11:26,080 --> 01:11:27,960
Speaker 2: looking at them and thinking of them through the lens

1374
01:11:28,000 --> 01:11:31,400
Speaker 2: of your adult self and not your child's self, because

1375
01:11:31,400 --> 01:11:35,719
Speaker 2: if you don't, that is going to infiltrate your romantic

1376
01:11:35,800 --> 01:11:38,000
Speaker 2: life and cause you a lot of problems. I wish

1377
01:11:38,040 --> 01:11:41,559
Speaker 2: I was one word, but the time absolutely yeah.

1378
01:11:41,960 --> 01:11:44,439
Speaker 1: And fifth and final question, if you could create one

1379
01:11:44,600 --> 01:11:47,160
Speaker 1: law that everyone in the world had to follow, what

1380
01:11:47,200 --> 01:11:47,600
Speaker 1: would it be?

1381
01:11:47,840 --> 01:11:53,000
Speaker 2: Oh? I normally say something, and then later I'm explained

1382
01:11:53,000 --> 01:11:56,479
Speaker 2: that one lare Oh my god, letting go is so

1383
01:11:56,640 --> 01:12:01,759
Speaker 2: much easier than clinging. Letting go is so much easier

1384
01:12:02,439 --> 01:12:05,240
Speaker 2: than clinging. It's really hard, but your life will be

1385
01:12:05,320 --> 01:12:09,320
Speaker 2: so much better than clinging if you learn to just

1386
01:12:09,800 --> 01:12:10,720
Speaker 2: let things be.

1387
01:12:11,439 --> 01:12:14,439
Speaker 1: Jill Interrechti, thank you so much. The book is called

1388
01:12:15,160 --> 01:12:18,280
Speaker 1: It Begins with You, The Nine Hard Truths about Love

1389
01:12:18,479 --> 01:12:20,760
Speaker 1: that will change your life. You can grab your copy

1390
01:12:20,880 --> 01:12:23,320
Speaker 1: right now. You heard about some of the hard truths

1391
01:12:23,320 --> 01:12:25,760
Speaker 1: in this conversation, but I hope that you'll dive into

1392
01:12:25,800 --> 01:12:28,439
Speaker 1: the book to learn and understand so much more. It's

1393
01:12:28,479 --> 01:12:30,880
Speaker 1: out on January fourteenth. I'm sure this will be out

1394
01:12:31,640 --> 01:12:33,799
Speaker 1: while you're watching this. The book will be out already

1395
01:12:34,160 --> 01:12:36,880
Speaker 1: or very very soon. Julian, thank you so much for

1396
01:12:36,920 --> 01:12:40,639
Speaker 1: coming on on purpose. Thank you for sharing so wonderfully.

1397
01:12:40,720 --> 01:12:43,200
Speaker 1: And I'm excited for people to connect with your content

1398
01:12:43,320 --> 01:12:46,200
Speaker 1: online and continue to follow along to see how much

1399
01:12:46,240 --> 01:12:48,640
Speaker 1: more they can learn about love. And thank you for

1400
01:12:48,760 --> 01:12:50,200
Speaker 1: reminding us all that it begins with you.

1401
01:12:50,520 --> 01:12:51,840
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for having me.

1402
01:12:52,000 --> 01:12:53,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you so great.

1403
01:12:53,200 --> 01:12:53,920
Speaker 2: Thank you you too.

1404
01:12:54,360 --> 01:12:56,840
Speaker 1: If you love this episode, you're going to love my

1405
01:12:57,000 --> 01:13:00,160
Speaker 1: conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get up over

1406
01:13:00,240 --> 01:13:03,400
Speaker 1: your ex and find true love in your relationships.

1407
01:13:03,600 --> 01:13:07,840
Speaker 3: People should be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion

1408
01:13:08,000 --> 01:13:12,040
Speaker 3: to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to

1409
01:13:12,080 --> 01:13:15,080
Speaker 3: your future self is doing something that gives him or

1410
01:13:15,160 --> 01:13:17,479
Speaker 3: her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life